Dumb People Town - DPT LIVE at Largo! - Will Arnett, Paul F. Tompkins and musical guest Colin Hay

Episode Date: February 25, 2020

Dumb People Town is LIVE at Largo with Will Arnett, Paul F. Tompkins and musical guest Colin Hay. To kick off the show Dan introduces a new headline game and each guest learns about their Florida Man. In story 1, they hear about three worst first date ever. In story 2 an underwear bandit gets caught!

Skypain's out of here. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music gets the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dump People Town. That's right! Largo!

What a treat it is to be here. We love this venue so much, and this venue has had such great history in our lives, and that's very important to the person we're bringing out to perform for us. When we were starting to perform at the Old Largo on Fairfax, we used to open for this guy and we'll tell a great

story with him. Well, you'll decide whether it's great or not. We'll tell a story about a time we opened up for him that was magical for both of us. He's amazing. He's got one of the greatest voices ever. He's one of the best storytellers ever. This show tonight is going to be electric and we're going to start it off right with our friend, the great Colin Hay. Thank you.

Yes, he said it's going to be electric. Well, it's acoustic, but it's plugged in, so I guess it's technically electric. My name's Colin Hay. Hey, or... If you're in West Hollywood, it's Colin Hay. If you're in West Hollywood, it's Colin Hay. So this is a song that you have to join in.

It's a great song. Even though I say so myself. It's a song I thought should be a hit. And when you hear it, you've probably never heard it. But if you hear it again, you'll think, fuck, I know that song. It's got a chorus, which is a handy thing for a song to have. It's called Tumbling Down, and this is your bit. It goes like this.

Tumbling down. Tumbling down. Tumbling down. Tumbling down. Try that, come on. Tumbling down. All right. Tumbling down. Try that, come on. Alright. This is good, this bit. I dropped a coin in the wishing well But it's a long time dry

I watched that old grey hampers kick up dust As it rolls on by I asked the man in the station he said son just take a look around there hasn't been a train through here since it all came tumbling down I'm tumbling down I'm tumbling down, I'm tumbling, I'm tumbling, I'm tumbling down I'm not a drinking man no more but this one night I got lost I've never been much of a dancer but this night I surely was I made it out to the cottonwoodwood slept with my ear down to the ground

And in my dreams I can hear the screams as it all came tumbling down Come tumbling down Come tumbling down Come tumbling, come tumbling, come tumbling down The corridors are all empty and there's a child sitting on the stairs She's seeing everything that is to see but somehow she still cares We took a ride on the ferris wheel made of glass and steel and such And now it's melting in the sun

It's not worth all that much I raise my hands up to the sky as we climb to higher ground Let's just keep on dancing till it all comes tumbling down come tumbling down come tumbling down come tumbling come tumbling come tumbling down Come Sutherland down Come Sutherland down

Come Sutherland Come Sutherland Come Sutherland down Come tumbling, come tumbling, come tumbling down Thank you very much, and thank you for singing along. That was very nice, very nice indeed. The Sclars asked me to do this and they have a theme song and they wrote me one of those emails

and they said to me, learn it. But put your own spin on it. And I thought, fuck that. I mean, I thought that I'd left the headmaster behind a long time ago. Because that's what he used to say, learn that, hey, learn that. But he never said put your own spin on it. But I didn't really learn.

I looked at it, you know, and I kind of sung it a few times and then I thought, oh, fuck, I don't really know it well enough to perform it now. So I got the words and I just thought, I put the words there and then I spilt fucking water on them and I can't read them they have that kind of power the sclars I don't know I'll see what I can make of it Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware

They're lacking grace and sometimes shoes The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida There's high price bail I'm happy to say They couldn't make this up Mmm

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Our man Dan Don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits, when the music quits, when the funny hits, we're going to take you down.

Jump around. Hunker down make a sound It's dumb people town Colin Hay, everybody. Colin Hay. Right there. Yes. Oh, wow. Okay.

Hey, townies. Welcome to a live episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. I don't think we have to do a show after that. That's amazing. That's a nice admission. We are good.

You did learn it. You did learn it. Stop lying. You grab a mic. I mostly learn it. Is this mine here? We like to put two seats between us and Colin. At all times.

I was told I have to sit on the bench. Sit on the bench and put your own fucking spin on it is what we said. Don't just regularly sit on the bench. Put a spin on it. So I just want you to tell this quick story. So we opened for Colin, this is years ago. This is probably around like early 2000s. At the old Largo.

Probably 2000, something like that. 2000. And we had never seen Colin Hay nervous at all, ever, ever. We walk up to the green room, which used to be above the kitchen at the old Largo, and Colin is pacing back and forth. And it's just a Friday night show. And we're like, what is going on?

It was actually a Saturday night show. God damn it. Makes a difference. We don't need to tell the story then. So we're like, Colin, what is going on? This is just a typical Friday or Saturday night show. Saturday show. And he said, I'm nervous because of who's in the crowd tonight.

And we said, who? And he said, Paul McCartney. Sir Paul McCartney is here to see me perform. We're like, great. Now we fucking know that he's there to see us do our stupid jokes exactly

in front of your set Beatle you were amazing that night by the way you were incredible you played your heart out well did he

you didn't even get to see him after the show I didn't get to see him after the show but I saw him before the show this is on right yeah it's good yeah it's good I saw him after the show. I didn't get to see him after the show, but I saw him before the show. This is on, right? Yeah, it's good. Yeah, it's good.

I saw him before the show and he looked exactly like Paul McCartney. The lead singer of Wings? No. Hey, there's Dan. You know how sometimes you meet people

who are the people you think they are, but they don't quite look like them, but he looked exactly like Paul McCartney. That's amazing. And he and he said oh there you are man yeah great yeah really cool he said i don't um don't get offended but we might have to leave we're a bit jet lagged you know so i said stay for two songs two songs he goes okay right that was when he was first dating

heather mills give you an idea how long ago it was sorry did I bring you down a wee bit no no I'm thinking of all the jokes so anyway so he stayed for the whole show

and how much of this story do you want I'll try and make it quick make it quick we only have 30 minutes and the room turns over so but anyway

he came to see me again at this other place in the Canyon Club. And it was like after the show, we went up to this VIP room and he was standing by the bar. And it looked like the bar from The Shining. You know, he was standing there by himself, which was weird. And I took my band and I said, there's Paul McCartney standing. He goes, hey, fellas, come on over here. Really great.

Really cool. Yeah, really great. And it was quite surreal. And I was talking to him for a while. And I thought, fuck, what do you say to a Beatle? So I said to him, what are you doing over here at the moment? He said, oh, I'm finishing a record. You know, I said, that's great. I said, a bit different from the old days, isn't it? And he goes, yeah.

And he proceeded to tell me what it was like in the old days. You know, what? And I could have stood there all night and just listened to him, you know, and he says, yeah, you know, we do a couple of songs before lunch, a couple of songs after lunch, you know. And a man with a white coat would come and say, right, you're up, lads. You know, me and John, you know, I'd pick him up in the bus.

He'd have a song, I'd have a song. We'd show the songs to George and Ringo. We'd record them really fast, you know. I'd say, yeah, that is fast, you know. And then there was a pause in the conversation. And they said, we want to come to your house. I said, you want to come to my house? And they said, I said well I'm going on tour on Thursday they said well we'll come on Wednesday I said okay I said you want me to make you something to eat and they said yeah

I said so you could say you're coming for dinner then and they said yes I said okay so they came on the Wednesday night the strangest dinner invitation ever. Jesus. And so they came. She came a bit early, and he came down the driveway about 8 o'clock. He came whistling down, you know, and I thought, I had one of those surreal moments where all the posters came flashing by me when I was a kid, you know, and I just thought, fuck, I had one of those personal things.

I just thought, fucking Paul McCartney's walking down my driveway. And he goes, yeah, there you are, man. really cool yeah I said come in come in you know and I made them all kinds of vegetarian food and Cuban beans and Peruvian rice and they finished eating the meal you know and he picked up all the plates and he took the plates into the kitchen started running all the plates under the tap no No. And I had another one of those moments where I just thought, fucking Paul McCartney is doing my dishes. Doing your dishes.

Doing your dishes. Doing your fucking dishes. As it should be. The way, if it, if it would have been Ringo, I would have had him dry them too.

It's not true. He's going on on tour with Ringo. I love it. He's very fun. Well, I'm so happy you're here with us. Yeah.

Amazing. He'll join in. We'll join in. We already brought out our second guest. Randy's hat. Randy's hat. So we got to talk about the hat. This hat is so great. It tells you where the nearest rest area is.

That hat comes with a saying, where are you headed? You look like you do magic for animals. You look like you hate renewable energy. I'll frack as much as I want. It looks like when you say you went to Vegas, you mean prim. By the way, this hat is going to get me laid and not just because my wife bought it for me.

All right. You look like you run a camp for rich youth at risk. They've got some troubles, all right? You look like you bought a knife and the hat was free. You look like... Alright, come on. There goes Dan. And they both came from SkyMall.

I look like I'm in the touring company of the movie Rounders. Oh, Dan! Oh, Dan is back. Dan just came back with his own hat. Oh, Silver Lake's on stage. Dan and Randy look like they sit outside of a cracker barrel

and they're like, you guys want to hear a story? We look like we have an argument about where the best soup is. Dan and I are the guys who tell the people at the Echo Park Craft Fair to roll it up. Guys, let's... Shut the booths down, guys. We look like we yell at people, you don't know who I'm voting for.

That's right. Well, should we... Let's do this because we have a new opening that we want to do for you guys. We do. We have a brand new way to open this show. We are going to start doing this. As many of you may already know,

we're about to kick off our first Dumb People Town tour. Yes. Yep. Thank you. We have a lot of success and the gratitude we have for getting to do this residency at Largo. We are hitting up St. Louis, Minneapolis. Milwaukee. Milwaukee.

Portland. Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. So that's happening. We want to have a brand new way that we're going to start the show. Now, I get sent so many stories. Believe it or not, one's about people killing their mother. Don't make the cut. They don't make it.

But I get some that are just as good as the headline. And that's as deep as the pool goes. So we like to say, what's the funniest headline we've seen? Right. So we are going to give those stories some of the attention they deserve when they aren't good enough for a full story. So we have a new segment to start out live down Pupil Town's craziest headlines

you saw this week. Are you ready for the first one, everyone? We're ready. Here we go. Your silence tells me that you're ready. They're ready. This was sent in by Veda Sleeping Face at Thrasher Vada.

We're not going to unpack any of that. Too much to unpack. That's like an uncle who raised him. I don't know. You know their pinned tweet has to do with chemtrails. Just based... I saw him today. I don't care.

No, it wasn't Northern Lights. That's the hat talking. Here it is. Ready? Florida City shuts down part of park due to annual snake orgy. Okay. First of all, I love that they're only shutting down part of the park. Right. Let those kids watch.

Kids need to see this. They need to see this. How are they going to learn if they don't watch snakes fuck? By the way, this does sound like Burning Man. There we go. I don't know if you guys know, but I went to Burning Man. Weren't you in a band called Snake Orgy for like a month? Didn't last.

Didn't last. They never do. Neither do most Snake Orgies. They're about eight minutes. My favorite part about this is the word annual. Because in Florida, that means it's some sort of celebration. I feel like there should be like a 10K attached to it. Have you run in the annual 10K snake orgy?

I also hope there's one snake guarding the doors. Like, sorry, snake. We got too many dude snakes in there. Hey, it's one in, one out at this point. You're a creeper. We can't. I want to know what snake monogamy looks like. Where were you?

I was at the park. Doing what? I want to know what snake monogamy looks like. Where were you? I was at the park. Doing what? Which part of the park? Which part? The part that wasn't cordoned off. Oh, okay. All right, you want to do the second half? I just think that Samuel L. Jackson

should be the master of ceremonies next year. I'm sick and tired of all these motherfucking snakes fucking other snakes' mothers in this motherfucking park. And then it turns into a Capital One commercial, which I think is... What's in your snakeskin wallet? That's good.

That's Glover Brothers' thumbs up. Thank you. Next headline sent in by Maria Pendolino At Maria Pendo Man tries to pay Undercover cop for oral sex With hamburger

Now again this sounds like Burning Man I'm sorry Because of the bartering system You don't go with money You go with This is the definition of an impossible burger. Right here. Because it's not happening.

Let me give you this meat between these two buns so I can put my meat between your two buns. There you go, Atzclar Brothers. Thank you. My favorite thing is you would just give $3. You're like,

I got to buy a burger. I found some sort of sex prostitution loophole. Or it's like when you give something like leftover food to a homeless person and they're like... What's on it? What's on it? What's on it? I don't know. If there's onions on it, I'll jerk you off. No onions, I'll blow you. Oh, come on.

He probably on his blowjob asked for all the fixings too. Blow onions on below you. Oh, come on. He probably on his blowjob asked for all the fixings too. Oh, Jesus. Blowjobs for burgers sounds like the worst child fundraising organization. It's like tits for tots. You know what I mean? It's like an AVN. Strippers raising money for kids.

Yes, exactly. It's like an AVN outreach program. Do you know that one time I saw the AVN Awards, the porn awards, it was a repeat of the porn awards from nine months earlier and I just started live tweeting it. So we share a Twitter

account and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing Randy right now? I don't know. This is coming from my account. There was a category in the AVN Awards for best acting. For sure. Best acting in the AVN Awards. That'd be There was a category in the AVN Awards for best acting. For sure. Best acting in the AVN Awards. That'd be like having a category in the Oscars

for best anal. Meryl Streep. Oh! Always nominated. She's so believable. All right. She sold it. Ready for the third headline? Yes. Sent in by Carleen McDermid

at SheBeCarleen. Headline number three. Woman accidentally stumbles across a meeting of satanic sex cult in a small vegan cafe. Jesus. So I read this. This is the greatest book club of all time. I seriously heard this. I didn't read it.

And I was like, it's S-E-I-T-A-N. Like satanic because it's a vegan restaurant, right? It's like a satanic cult. Fuck everyone. No. Like ten times over. Colin liked it.

I just love that the cafe is cool with it. They're probably like, hey man, it's cleaner than trivia night. You can tell, like, I imagine the vegan cafe is so passive aggressive. Like, I don't want them here, Deb. But I'm going to put them by the toilets. Put them near the bathroom. Also, how do you know when you walk in, like, oh, this is a sex cult? Like, are people just in cloaks going at each other?

I just love that they still have meetings, which means there was a trail of emails beforehand. Can you go to the cafe on Thursday? I can't do it after six. I gotta drop the kids off. What are the notes from the last meeting? What is new business at a satanic sex cult meeting? Alright, that is our brand new segment

to open the show. I love it. Shall we bring out our guests? All right, that is our brand new segment to open the show. I love it. All right. Shall we bring out our guests? I think we need to bring out our guests. We have amazing guests tonight. I'm just going to bring them both out here. I love them both so much. They just make me laugh, even just hanging out with them backstage.

And yet they are two of the funniest, best performers out in this business today. Mr. Paul F. Tompkins. And we'll... And I have... Oh, you got it. There he is. There he is. That's a three-hat show.

Paul F. Tompkins. Look at this embrace. It's like... It's a great hat. It's like Paul just got home from war in 1940 and Colin is seeing it for the first time. It's a It's a great hat. It's like Paul just got home from war in 1940 and Colin is seeing it for the first time. It's a three hat show. It's a three hat.

It's a three hatter. I feel like now you guys look dumb because you want a hat. Well, I'm going to invite out another guy who doesn't have a hat on, but god damn it, he's got his comedy hat on. Please welcome Will Arnett. Will Arnett, everybody! Yep. I love it.

It's a It's a BoJack reunion. Oh, I love it. It's a crossover. It's a crossover. It's been such a long time. It's been so long. I don't even... What is that? What is BoJack Horseman? It's an animated show. It's been a minute. It is that? What is Bojack Horseman? It's an animated show.

It took a lot to get us back together. It took two emails. Both of them promised me emailing you and you hitting the ground. And both of them promised snake orgies. It's going to happen.

How do we not know? They didn't say snorchies. It might have been a snake orgies. So it's going to happen. Snake orgies. How do we not know? Snorgies. They didn't say snorgies. It might have been a snake fuck party. Right. There's a difference. We're in Hollywood. We can talk about it.

We can say whatever we want. Skin at the door. Was it an orgy or just a fuck party? The snakes are offended by their categorization. First of all, we put a permit in for the whole park. That's first. Second of all, we put a permit in for the whole park. That's first. Second of all, we're serpents and we want to be identified as such. Did you

extend that S out a little bit? I tried to make an S at the end. It was an H. I tried to make it an S. Insert Slytherin joke here. Okay. We have a little game that we play to start out this show. It is called the Florida Man Birthday Game,

in which you find out who your Florida man is. All we do is we take your birth date, we find out if that was real according to the internet, and then, and it's just your month and day, and then we find out what a Florida person did on your birthday. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. And then what do we win? No, no, no. Actually, you know who wins? We all lose. We all lose, but America wins. I'm looking for the game. I'm looking for the game.

Paul F. Tompkins. You're always looking for the game. Paul F. Tompkins. September 12th. That's what I have here. Yes. Are you ready? Fall baby.

Never forget? Did you say never forget? Yeah. You never forget. I don't want people to forget my birthday. 9-12, never forget. That's good. It was the sunlight after a dark time. Yes.

To be honest, have you ever forgotten? Your birthday? Do I have to be totally honest? No. No, I never have. It's amazing. Mr. Paul F. Hopkins. Hi.

September 12th. That's right. Your Florida man or woman is this. Florida woman accused of pouring hot sauce in husband's eyes during fights. Ooh. Pouring. Pouring. Hold still. Hold still.

I let you finish. Let me finish. Wow. Pouring. Pouring. Hey, I'm going to take a quick mid-fight nap. And then we'll pick this up. Okay.

But I might prove a point while you do. Pouring. I'm reading. Pouring. By the way, that is so difficult to do. If you put hot sauce Poring. I'm reading. Poring. By the way, that is so difficult to do. If you put hot sauce on anything.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it seems unlikely. I call bullshit because there's no hot sauce comes, you can't pour a hot sauce. Poring. You think she pre-shook out

a ramekin of hot sauce. And then. I within the last 48 hours, this is not, within the last 48 hours, I discussed with somebody how much it would hurt to put a hot sauce

in your eyes. Yes. There you go. It's like a law and order. Yeah. We have a little blurb. A Florida woman has been arrested

after your deputy said she threw hot sauce, we'll pick it. Threw it or pour it. Here we go. Threw hot sauce in her husband's eyes during a heated argument.

Any good defense attorney is going to pick this apart. Yep. Now, which, your honor, permission to treat the witness is hostile. It was a mild argument.

Oh, now it's her motion to dismiss. Now it's a lawyer. He's a hot sauce lawyer. According to Fox 13, 41-year-old Esmeralda Lopez and her husband were arguing inside their home when she poured hot sauce into his eyes. Investigators said, quote, I love this, they needed you to know,

quote, this was done against the victim's will and without his consent. So no dare was involved. Ma'am, I have to ask you. Did your husband want this to happen? Put him in separate rooms. I want to get to the bottom of this. Do I have to be completely honest?

Completely honest? I thought it was a bit. Oh, this is what Esmeralda looks like. She looks proud of herself. She's like, yeah, I'll do it again. And I'll do it again. Do it again with Sriracha, bitch. How do you like that?

That's right. I would be proud if I was able to shake out enough hot sauce from a bottle to tickle it that the police got involved. I want him, though, to have been like, all right, I'm going to see where this goes. What point are you trying to make? She does look mildly surprised. How do you come back from this after this? What's like breakfast the next

day on the 9-12 of their life, if you know what I mean? 9-13. Yeah, I don't think when you're at the point where you're pouring hot sauce, I don't think it's back to regular scheduled breakfasts. I don't think they're on a

pretty tight schedule over that house. Certainly oatmeal the next day. I wouldn't do like a breakfast burrito. No. I would just every morning serve cucumbers. Just make it like a spa. If you're going to get mad at me, I'm just make it like a spa.

Would you like some cucumbers? Oh, I see on the eyes. Put the cucumbers on the eyes. I thought for breakfast. Here's a plate of cucumbers. You can imagine my confusion. That's an Israeli breakfast right there. Just cucumbers.

That's the Israeli continental. Yes, Paul. On a kibbutz. You're in the army. Everyone shares. You're 11 years old. That's the Israeli continental. Yes, Paul. On a kibbutz. On a kibbutz. Sure. You're in the army. Everyone shares. You're 11 years old.

That's right. You have a tomato, a cucumber, some cheese, and you like it. That's right. You don't have a choice. Will Arnett. Yeah. I have your birthday as May 4th. That is correct. Great dramatic pause.

Amazing pause. Amazing. I know. You know, and the reason is because I have listed in the past I used to when I'd go online

and register for stuff I'd put May 5th just because I thought I don't want the government that's right you know how I feel about the government sorry

the Canadian government the Canadian government is terrified of Cinco de Mayo yeah so say do they celebrate Cinco de Mayo here's the problem

here's the other thing here's the real thing is that my birthday forever was Cinco de Mayo. Yeah, so say, do they celebrate Cinco de Mayo? Here's the problem. Here's the other thing. Here's the real thing is that my birthday forever with Cinco de Mayo was fine. It didn't used to be as big a deal. But then it became

May the 4th be with you. Yes, yes. And that's been a bummer. That happened. Do you guys find that Cinco de Mayo is coming earlier and earlier every year?

You know. Every year it's earlier with that. I feel like I just took my decorations down. Every year it's earlier with that. I feel like I just took my decorations down. My neighbors are mad. Well, also, I love that you're giving false information on your documents.

You're doing a great job of staying off the grid. Yes. No one knows you. No one knows it. You're a ghost. I thought about doing one of those 23andMe. Because everybody's doing that and figuring out. And I thought, I don't want them to have my DNA. Because then they'll know about it. You're a ghost. I thought about doing one of those 23andMe. Because everybody's doing that and figuring out. And I thought, I don't want them to have my DNA. Because then they'll know about it.

I'm like, oh, fuck it. That ship has sailed, right? We got there, too. My wife and I did 23andMe. You did? Yeah. My brother-in-law was like, I'll never do that. I'll never give the government my DNA. I'm like, they got it already. Who's kidding? Somehow they got it.

You think that's going to be, ah, he never spit in that cup. Also, once they have your relatives, they have you. They can narrow it down to you. Yeah, they can narrow it down to you. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Yeah, I love those 23andMe commercials where they're like, the guy's like, so I went to Ireland and I visited my whole family and they took me around and then showed me the family bar. I'm thinking about it from the other side.

It was like, this fucking American is coming over here. Just drop him off down the road and say it's the family. Just tell him it's our family pub. Just leave him there. Get him out. We have shit to do. But does it ever occur to you? Have you ever had that feeling of like, shit, now I can't.

I don't want to commit a major crime. I don't want to murder anybody. No, not tonight. And I want to go on record saying that. You want to be able to have the option. I don't want to commit a major crime. I don't want to murder anybody. No, not tonight. And I want to go on record saying that. You want to be able to have the option. I don't want to be taken over by the spirit of a murderous spirit. But were it to happen. Yeah.

Leave the window open for that. I just feel like that's gone. That opportunity is gone. I don't want El Cucco to ruin my life. Yeah, exactly. It's like when it's taken away, then you want to do it more. Yeah, then you want it. Then you want it. It's like the N word age we live in. It's like when it's taken away then you want to do it more. It's like the N word.

Oh, no. Come on. Why can't I say it? What are you, Dennis Prager? I want to say it. Oh, God. I know. I think you're the one who showed that to me via Twitter.

Which is a wonderful place for friends. Have you ever done 23andMe? I'm sorry? Have you ever done 23andMe? Answer the question! No, I haven't. Do it. No, no, no, no. I don't want to close off any options.

True. I'm with you. All right, Will Arnett, May 4th. Headline is, this is your Florida person, Florida woman calls 911 to report that she needs beer. And then she got arrested for it? No. I look at her and you know what? I guess we're calling 911. Look at her face.

She does. She does need beer. She doesn't look like she does. Also, I did not make this. There's some person working for some local news channel that's an intern. Yes, that made this graphic. Yeah, I was going to say. This is when I'm like,

we need to get Postmates in more cities. That's what I think. But just with the real picture and then a caricature beer. Can I say though, that beer looks... It does look frosty. It looks so appetizing. I want to put a six packpack in that glass for Spire. I want to call 911 on my taste buds right now.

That's how great that beer looks. They said that she called 911 twice, once just after noon, and then just before 4 p.m., which means the second time she was like, are you coming or not? Where are you? Well, the second time is the real emergency. You weren't for me. Bernie said, I don't want to be a pest,

but I called four hours ago. Oh, they're going to spit in my beer now. Those cops are going to spit in my beer. I would love it if she called sober, too. It was like, I want beer for tonight. So I'm just planning ahead. Her name also is perfect.

The woman you are looking at right now, Jennifer Sue Sunday. Jenny Sunday. She would Sue Sunday if she could. All right, last one. Colin Hay. According to 23andMe.

December 17th? Completely wrong. Oh, really? Yes. Well, we're going with it. Exciting. When is your birthday? What is it for real?

6-29. 6-29. That's close. That's really close. By the way, don't say June. Don't ask him to say June. You have to literally do the math. 6-29. 6-29 do the math. 629.

629. Never forget 629. This is too good to not do. Okay. Alright. Also, it's already built into the slideshow. Alright, good. Woman, Florida woman charged after speeding down Florida interstate with man clinging to hood.

Oh. Oh. And I have to read this. I just want to know. It's the best hood ornament I've ever seen in my life. I hope he's looking at people on the interstate being like, what are you looking at? He's got slides on her. Those shoes are still on.

It doesn't look like he's cleaning it. If you can keep flip-flops on in that situation, you're a magician. You own the car at that point. A Miami woman was arrested this week after speeding down the interstate with a man clinging to the front of her car. It was captured on camera by a stunned motorist who desperately tried to get her to pull over.

If he couldn't get her to stop, how are you going to get her to pull over? Roll down your window. I have to tell you something. You might not know this, but there's a man on your car. There's something on your hood. He's so in control of the situation,

he called 911 while on the car. Unbelievable. She's swerving the car and I'm on top of the car. I really need help. He called. Where's the phone? she's swerving the car and I'm on top of the car. I really need help. Also he called. Yes. Where's the phone?

I think he's on Bluetooth. Don't put me on speaker. I don't mean to be a pest but I'm still on this car. I call four hours. And 911 is like hold on we have a call coming in on. Hold on. And 911 is like,

hold on, we have a call coming in on the other line. You need a beer? You need a beer. Sir, just roll up the windows and we can talk to you better. The man on the hood was identified by CNN

as Junior Francis, which also sounds like a candy. He said he was... Every Hanukkah, we give Junior Francis's to the kids. He said he was scared the entireukkah, we give Junior Francis's to the kids. He said he was scared the entire time, which means someone asked specifically,

when were you scared the most? The whole time. When were you the most scared? The whole time. You know who's going to be really pissed about this? Senior Francis. As if they have a speaking relationship. I know, I know.

I never thought I'd see the day when a Francis... What if he was named Junior Francis Junior? I feel like that would be more appropriate. I don't know why. He said he jumped on the car that he shares with his on-again, off-again girlfriend. No shit.

I'd say it's on-again. Well, he's on-again. That's for sure. She's off. She's off. He's on. He did it to keep her from leaving because he needed the vehicle that night, but she beat him to it.

Possession is half the law. All of a sudden, the guy with hot sauce in his eyes is like, we're okay, baby. We're going to make it. So when she was driving with him on the hood hood she was just going to where she needed to go yes you coming? you coming? cause I'm going

I'm going to the bank I'm going down the road both of us are gonna do these errands when he refused to get off the woman allegedly pulled out of the driveway and cruised down to the interstate she was reportedly

I know she was reportedly going 70 miles per hour whoa with Junior Francis clinging to the hood. We've never done this before, but I have to. We play little mini games where we like to guess a fun fact about this. How many miles do you guys think she drove with Junior Francis on the hood of her car up to 70 miles per hour? Okay, so now we've got to guess how far she lives from the interstate. Paul, what do you think? How far does she live from the interstate?

Oh, I think she's right on the interstate. She is, yeah. I think it's the first left out of the driveway. So quarter mile. Quarter mile. House on the highway. And she gets on the interstate. People notice.

He called. We didn't even meet other people. He called. Did he call right away? Yeah, people notice. He called. We didn't even need other people. He called. Did he call right away? Or did he call a while? He called as they were turning onto the interstate. Oh, you think he called that early? I think that it's a little bit before.

He called when they're on the surface streets. They're at a mile from the thing. I'm going to say five miles. Five miles. I think that he called later in the ride. Okay. On the interstate. I think when they got on the interstate.

She's going 75. You think he reached for his fucking phone? I think he said, uh-oh, this is taking a turn. Literally. Literally. Literally. I think he said, Siri, please call 911. Yeah.

I'm going to say... We're guessing how many miles? How many miles was he on the hood? God, I'm so glad you were born December 17th, Colin. I know, God. I'm going to say 10 miles. 10 miles. Okay, Randy or Jason or Colin?

Double what I said. Colin, what do you think? Colin, what do you got? I think that he took a while to text the police because he thought that he could reason with her. You have him texting the police. That's so much more complicated. There's no way he's firing on.

It's T9. I don't have a smart phone. 14 miles. 14. 14 miles. Jason? I think she drove for like 20 miles. 20 miles.

She was trying to prove a point. 20. Do you know how hard it would be to hold on for 20 miles? I know. Junior Francis we're talking about. The grip well. It's perfect for the... It makes you believe in intelligent design.

It's perfect for the human hand to get in there. We call that the Junior Francis handle. And those tire treads, that's when I carried you. When there was only one set of tracks. I think, yeah, I think he went 30 miles. 30 miles.

Jesus. Okay, Randy says 30. I say 20. 20. He said 14. 14. Will? 5.

5, 10. I said 10. I just wanted it to be 10. One of you is only one number off. All right, let's find out. Let's find out. Okay, so let's all guess who's. That's right. We get to do 10. One of you is only one number off. Let's find out. Let's all guess who's one. That is a version of the game.

Junior Francis held on to his love for a total of 19 miles. Wow. Thank you. 19 miles.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Well done, Jason. That's well done. I'm not saying I knew, but I knew. Feels like a full show already. I know.

And let's get into our first story know You want to do it? Let's get into our first story Here we go Sent in by Balner the Brave At Balner B I don't It's probably a Lord of the Rings reference

I'm not kidding Or like a side Like offshoot movie From that that no one saw Right, right It's like the Gollum's Friends Or something like that I'd watch Gollum's Friends.

I'd watch Gollum's Friends. I would watch that. Gollum's not so bad. Just ask the specialist. What time period are we talking? Like little Gollum. Schmeagle. He's already little. Are you going Schmeagle?

Maybe I would get the reference. He gets a little bit focused on one thing. He really latches on. Just like Junior Francis. Okay. That was a good quick callback. Alright. Comes to us from CNN. They're still doing a whole bunch of weird shit too.

It's like a menu that talks to you. And you thought your first date was bad. Okay, here we go. Who? I don't know. Who thought their first date was bad. Okay, here we go. Who? I don't know. Who thought their first date was bad? Who are you talking to? Very well. It ended in a kiss. I love when an article just starts with an accusatory question.

And you think you're ugly. No. You won't believe what these five people look like. You think your kids don't respect you. Well, look at Danny Bonaduce now. And you're sitting around all day talking about anal beads. No.

No, nobody is. Nobody did. Here it is. The first sentence gives us the whole story. It's really all we need, but we'll keep going. A Massachusetts woman became an unexpected getaway driver after a man she met on a dating app

robbed a bank on their first date. Oh. Wow. Jeez. I want you to know me. Exactly. Right. This is it. I've gone through a lot of relationships where I don't show who I am right away. Cut to the chase. Cut to the chase. Cut to the chase.

Cut to the chase. Holiday. What do you want to do tonight? I don't know. A little of this. A little of that. Do you mind if I swing by the bank now? Are they open? They're about to be. For us, they are.

Where was I? It all started, the woman told police, when she picked up Castillo. I don't know if he goes by one name. That's it. That's your first flag. From his parents' home. Red flag.

Second flag. Second flag. That's why you needed to rob the bank, guys. Oh, okay. Jesus, Paul, whose side are you on? So far, I'm on Castillo's side, but I'm willing to hear more. I hope the app is called I've Got Priors.

It all started at the Wimbledon police when she picked up Castillo. And you know, she was like, that's just it? Yeah, that's just it. From his parents' home in Chepachet. Does that work? Rhode Island. Does that work?

And drove him 30 minutes east towards north Attleboro, Massachusetts. So they're crossing a state line for a date. For a date. Is that normal on the East Coast? Yeah, dude. Fuck in that area? Everything's so fucking close. Dude.

I want to take you somewhere fancy. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Dude, dude, you're not going to fucking believe what we're doing. Dude, you can't go

for a fucking coffee without crossing three state lines right there. I don't know what that was. I don't know. Don't stop doing it. Yeah. I don't know what that was. I don't know. Don't stop doing it.

I don't care. You're like a guy. You're a mucinex all of a sudden. I fucking hate all this mucus in my nose. You look so good right now. My mom thought you were going to be ugly but you are fucking gorgeous. Or my name isn't fucking

Castillo. So he's drunk at the beginning of this date? Yeah. Oh my God. Wait for the next sentence. Guys, I barely read these. She said Castillo drank wine in the passenger seat of her Nissan Maxima. Yeah.

So when you're... Oh, is this a Maxima? It's a good car, guys. But when you're drinking wine in the passenger seat of a car, it is not in a dainty glass. No. You're going straight from the bottle. From the box. From the box with cork or whatever inside. But it's wine.

It's wine, so he has some class. Yeah, he wanted to. He didn't want to go whiskey because he wanted to send the wrong signal. Right. Yet. You don't want any? I brought it for you. Fine send the wrong signal. Right. Or you don't want any? I brought it for you. Fine.

I'll drink it myself. I actually drink a lot of wine. He's a ladies man. Just the idea of me behind the wheel and somebody next to you saying, wine? I'm fine, Castillo. I'm fine, Castillo. Are you sure? You should fucking drink it

because when my mom finds out that I took all her Zinfandel, she's going to be pissed. She's going to be fucking mad. All right, settle down. Are we bringing this fucking wine across state lines here? What the fuck?

I go, you're like a Boston person on helium. Yeah. You're like a Boston person who moved to New York and has forgotten how he used to talk Good I fucking forgot how to fucking talk I just heard that

Thank you Randy I fucking spent three years In Brooklyn Heights Oh my god Stop What do you mean you don't like my hair? But still better than most of the accents in Mystic River.

It is. It is. Yes, it is. It is. Was Mystic River the one where they got molested? I don't know. Okay. I couldn't.

The accents were so bad, I couldn't pay attention. Was that Mystic Pizza? Mystic Pizza was a different movie. Mystic Pizza, I think. But no one got molested. That was right. They were having fun. Weren't they having a ball? They were having a great time.

No one got molested, but some pizza got touched. Alright, let's go. I'm going to make a Manchester by the Sea joke later. Okay, here we go. She said he drank wine in the passenger seat of her Nissan Maxima. And then they have a parenthesis, which is also illegal, but he wasn't charged for that one.

They let that slide. The cop is like, you can pick one of these things you did. It's like a penalty in an NFL game. You get to pick one. You know what? We'll take the armed robbery and we'll let the other one go. They offset. They offset.

He was offsides, but we're going to let that go. We're going to decline the wine. So far, for me personally, just needing to go to a bank is a red flag. Like, plan your day out. But drinking wine while I drive, the date is over. She had to come pick him up.

Here's where we are. At his parents' house. Right. And she's already like, I don't know is his name is castillo one one one word one word no last name given picking him up at his parents we don't know how old he was it hasn't we're about to find out and then so she's already like i don't know this is this isn't great and then he shows and now he's got wine yeah that is that he's not planning on drinking at the destination. He's getting into it now.

And you know that he's the one who's offended that she's not drinking it. Yeah. He's like, what the fuck's wrong with you? As soon as the cork goes, you're like, I'm out. Goodbye. Yeah. If you're popping cork in the car. If you're popping cork in the front seat, you're just like, no, goodbye. Are you forgetting that he needed to psych himself up for this bank robbery?

Yeah. That is true. I keep forgetting that you're on psych himself up for this bank robbery? That is true. I keep forgetting that you're on his side. Let's not focus on the wine. It's unbelievable how sympathetic you are to his side. I heard the full story. A sober bank robbery. There were bad people on both

sides. On all sides. A sober bank robbery is not fun. For anybody. He was a very positive thinker, and he was already in celebration mode. Yes. He'd already robbed the bank. He had the money, so he just thought, well, I'll have a little wine now.

That's right. That's how you do it, too. It's like when you're karate chopping a board, you've got to think of your hand already going through the board. That's what he's done. Drink for the crime you're going to commit. And not for the crime you're already commit. Not for the crime you're already committing. He's in the right frame of mind.

He's drinking wine like he's already living outside of his parents' house. I'm not going back. We're engaged now. This is where I live. I live in your maxima. The two had never met in person before that fateful day she told police.

No kidding. So why would she think anything was wrong when he told her to pull over as they approached the bank? Pull over, pull over. Here's the bank, by the way. It looks ready to rob. Oh, God.

That looks like a church masquerading as a bank. It looks okay. Yeah, it does. I want to rob that bank. It looks like you could get away with it. It looks like they just give you money in there. Dude, I'm going to fucking punch that clock.

I'm going to punch that fucking clock. You know what time it is? It's time to rob that fucking bank. It's that time it is. Okay, here we go. He got out of the car and left Watch that fucking clock. You know what time it is? It's time to rob that fucking bank. It's what time it is. Oh. Okay, here we go. He got out of the car and left her there alone for a few minutes. By the way, pull over. This looks like a big parking lot.

Yeah. Are they driving in the parking lot? Pull over at this bank in this parking lot that we're driving in. Half an hour away. Yes. Half an hour away. Half. Half an hour away. Where are we going? Well, we've got to be in a different county. For what? Wait until you see. I've got a surprise for you.

Do you think he made her park in the handicapped spot? Use the handicapped spot. Fuck it. Where we're going, we can park there. They got him on that, though. They did charge him on that. They don't let that go. Under any circumstance. Nailed him on the handicapped spot. So he gets out of the car, and he left her there for a few minutes. During that time, I just pray that one of her friends checked in.

How's it going? Do you still need me to meet you up at the bar? Right now, you can meet us at the bank. Then he suddenly came running back, sweating with sunglasses, a hat, and a gun, and $1,000 cash in hand. Wow. And it's flying. He's holding it away from him. Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Look what I did. He's like a retriever. Look what I did. Look what I did. You know he ran to her side of the car and was like, take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. It looks like he cleaned out that bank, too. That bank doesn't look as if he's got a lot of money. Yeah.

But something told him that he thought it was okay to come back in that state. A hundred percent. With the thing still on. You'd think that he'd rob it and be like, oh shit, I gotta get back in the car with this. I better be calm. I'm on a date.

What do you think if you're the teller? Anytime someone comes walking in with wine mouth, you're like, oh, fuck. Here we go. What time of day was this date? It's a day date. Yeah, that's the other thing. He's like, look, this date has to start before 5pm. So it's a day date

and he's drinking wine. At night, you can almost excuse it. And Paul's still on the fence. Paul, justify it. I Paul's still on the fence. Look. Paul, justify it, Paul. I want to hear the whole story. And that's enough. Paul's buying it when he sits down in the car and he's like, it's fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.

You would make a great judge. You are now a parrot. You would make a great judge. You sound like a parrot. That'll do, counselor. I'd like to hear more from this. This is terrific stuff. Here's the thing. That'll do, counselor. I'd like to hear more from this. This is terrific stuff.

Here's the thing. Just today, I was at the 365 market. Sure. And I was checking out. I was buying wine, by the way. And drinking it. And drinking it, of course. I'm going to pay for them all. Can you stand this?

Before you got to the line. The checker asked me, because it was the middle of the line. The checker asked me, because it was the middle of the afternoon. The checker. The checker said... What's wrong with that? Checker. What should I have said?

I don't know if I've ever heard that term. Checker. Checker. Check out. I'm on board with it. Check out person. Check out person. Did I make that up?

No. You did not make that up. Who here? Is anybody here a checker? How many people have heard checker before? Thank you. Don't clap. Just put your hand up.

Clap for those people. These people don't know what cashiers are. She asked me. She said. So you're not working today? She said that to you. Wait. Were you dressed like this?

No, I was not dressed like this. What were you wearing? I was coming from the gym, so I was wearing gym clothes. Okay. But you could. Maybe you were a trainer. Maybe I'm out of work. You're like, who are you?

What a weird question to ask someone. There's some shade in there. So, middle of the day, not working, huh? You're like, who are you, my mother-in-law? In the 30s. In the 30s, everyone dressed like this. Yeah, in the 30s, everybody was out of work. By the way, you should never... It was okay to ask people not to work.

You should never hear this. No, I just jumped on a boxcar. Still in the Depression, huh? Not me, I got a job. You should never hear this from a checker. Yikes. But I did say, I'm working later.

You did. You felt embarrassed. I did. I was like, why would you ask that question in Hollywood? That's right. Of all places. Okay, so one name, parents' house, wind in the car,

drive a half hour away, stop by a bank, comes running out with money, guns, sunglasses, and sweat, jumps in the car, and quote, he told her then, fucking go.

Go. Which seems abrasive, but we don't know the tenor of their conversation before. Maybe he said it like, fucking go Maybe that's how they were talking. Fucking go! That's how they were talking to each other. Yeah, exactly.

Fucking go! What is he hoping? It's Massachusetts. It's New England. He might have said, fucking stop when they got to the bank. Hey, fucking pull over here. She's like, all right, I'll fucking pull. So consistent with how.

And she said, fucking get out. She's like, fucking get out. Oh, you're going to the fucking bank? Yeah, I'm at the fucking bank. It's so fucking good to see you. You look so fucking good. You mind if I drink fucking wine in here? Get the fucking wine.

Get the fuck out of here. Go fucking go. Stop. I just don't think we should hold his words against him. I want to hear more like Paul. But what is he hoping for? You get it. You get it.

What is he hoping for? He's done all this fucking go. Like, he's hoping he's with Karen from Goodfellas. And she's going to be like, all my friends would have hid that gun, but I just kept it. That's all we had. That's all we had. Karen, what'd you do? He blames her. Nothing bad happened.

She panicked. She told police she did as she was told. You don't have to do that. The district attorney's office... He does have a gun, so I guess you kind of... The district attorney's office fills in the blanks on what happened while he was inside the bank. I love that we now, we're going to like 30

minutes earlier or whatever. Time cut. It's like Tarantino. Castillo. Castillo. Castillo. He doesn't deserve it. Walked into the Bristol County Savings Bank. Castillo is more fun. Well, look who's here. Castillo. Hey!

Fucking go. Let! Fucking go! Let's fucking go! You're like a cartoon character of Al Capone. No, I'm fucking Castillo. Welcome back to Castillo's place. All right. Castillo walked into the Bristol County Savings Bank branch in North Attleboro and showed the

bank teller he had a weapon. He demanded $1,000 and she said that he told her he needed it badly because he was quote, really hurting. On the inside or outside? Yeah, I just want to say. Are you going over to Paul's side?

The guy's hurting. He only asked for $1,000. He you going over to Paul's side? The guy's hurting. He only asked for a thousand dollars. He's not trying to put them out. He doesn't want to break the bank. Not that much. And he's hurting. He's hurting. I'm hurting. I'm hurting. People do a lot of strength when they're in pain.

They do a lot of desperate things. It's like 5 o'clock and the teller was like, you're not working today? What's going on? She's like, have you been drinking? Actually, I'm on a date. I'm working while I'm on a date. Please don't tell her. It's very new. The teller handed

him the money, said, mouth the words I'm sorry. I'm joking. Then ran... You need this. Then ran back out to his dates maxima. His dates maxima is my favorite band. His dates maxima. And ordered her to step on it.

Maybe he is old timey. His accidental accomplice, another great band, obeyed at first, but once she spotted flashing sirens from the police cruisers on their tail, she immediately pulled over and walked away from the car. I hope she did not say a word other than, you did this. And then just got out.

She walked away. How cool is that? You know what, Castillo? I'm just going to pull over here. Remember what we did at the bank? Just get up and walk. Wait, before you go, you think we'll do this again? Castillo!

Castillo, wait three days to call her. Don't push this. Castillo, make her want it. He swingers messages her. And so then this cop approaches, right, this Massachusetts cop, and he says, Dude, what the fuck are you doing? I got it. then this cop approaches, right? This, this Massachusetts cop and he says, dude,

what the fuck are you doing? You fucking got here. Where are you from? What do you got, fucking wine in here? What the fuck? Dude, I just,

I just moved here from New York. Dude, you're not going to believe this. I don't know how this fucking town works. That was a fucking police. That a no, or,

I just want a sad Manchester by the sea, KCF, like, I don't know how to get the sea Casey Affleck position. She immediately walked away. Castillo stayed inside and his only plan was to then duck from police. I'm good, right? It's worth a shot.

If they can't see me, I'm not in the car. It's like when you play hide and seek with your kids and they just bend down and you're like, I see you. I know exactly where you are. Police struggled. Castillo, out of his hapless dates car and as he hide and seek with your kids and they just bend down and you're like, I see you. I know exactly where you are. Right. Police struggled Castillo out of his hapless dates car and as he violently struggled, spit on them

and told them his gun wasn't even loaded. No one cares at that point. They're not like, oh, then never mind. Guys, get back in the car, sweetheart. Let them finish their date. I do feel a fool. I wish I'd known that beforehand. Here's a thousand for your trouble.

There's another layer to this. After he was subdued and handcuffed, which I'm sure went well, police searched the car and found an antique handgun belonging to Castillo's stepfather. It's an old, old gun. They're letting him live there and he steals the good old gun.

And it's not even his own son. You're right. And he's like, fuck, this is it. This is the last your son's got to go. Don't worry. By the way, stepfather's antique gun, also a great indie band. Yes, it is.

I just want that later when he's like, hey, babe, want to hear how your son's date went? He just dropped the headline that she's date went? He just dropped the headline that she's eating breakfast and he just dropped the paper in front of her and folded his arms. I still got to get to know him? Is he a good guy now?

Deserves to live here? I got to give him a chance? You're the one who told me not to discipline him. I can't believe your son doesn't have a last fucking name. What kind of a woman has a one-name son? And she refused to take his name. That's what's so crazy about that family. When I hear the phrase antique gun,

the gun that I am picturing... I know, me too. It's so old. It's like real steampunk looking. Look, I got one shot to get this $1,000. Literally. Look through the glass lens here.

Antique gun. I hope the cop owns an auction house. Let me tell you a little bit about the gun you have here. Just a very quick antiques road show. cop owns an auction house. Let me tell you a little bit about the gun you have here. Just a very quick antiques road show. Yes. A lot of people like this gun, but you'll notice

yours has XX11 on the side. That makes it more rare than many other antique guns. These guns have only ever been used in robberies, so it's more about the gun than it is you. There it is. They also had in the car hat, sunglasses that matched the description

of what the robber was wearing. Yeah, this is the only place he's gone. It just happened. Guys, I think we've got it. I'm not sure it's our guy. Wait, hat, sunglasses. The bank is in the background. Let me double check with the bank.

What color hat? Hat, sunglasses, $1,000. This might check out. And a very solid eyewitness. Castillo ended up sentenced to five years incarceration. His date got off without a charge

and probably a healthy skepticism toward online dating. Don't editorialize. Just tell me the facts. Come on. Probably. Hopefully.

That makes me wonder then. If she's a good person. Now we're judging her character. Her motives. If she didn't have a healthy skepticism of online dating before this whole scenario, now she might have one. But I bet he was like, wait for me, baby. Five years. Five years.

We can make this work. You think like hand on the glass? Hand on the glass, yes. And they both hang up the phone at the same time in prison. Do we think there was an engagement ring in his pocket? That's what he needed the money for. Yes. I think it was a late call.

He was going to take her out, and he was like, fuck this. This is it. This is it. This is my person. He's the one. I've got enough money for dinner. Change of plan. We're going to Massachusetts.

We're doing it all tonight. I've got enough money for dinner. I need enough money for the rest of my life. There it is. Going to Jared. I'm going to ask you guys. How old? Oh, in this part, they gave us the full name.

How old is Christopher Castillo? I didn't see that coming. Why? Because you know he goes by double C. C.C. C.C. C.C. C.C.

C.C. How old is Christopher? Hey, C.C., hot thing tonight, huh? How old do you think Christopher Castillo is? Here's what we know. Doesn't have a car. Doesn't have his own residence. Needs to steal an antique gun. Is hurting for $1,000.

Loves a good passenger drink. Knows how to online date. Which is still legal in the state of Missouri, by the way. You can be... As long as you aren't driving, everybody else can get hammered. Is that true? Yes. Alright, anybody want to go?

That's miserable. Can you imagine? You're a drive guy. Please don't. I'm driving. Everywhere you go, everybody's hammered. You're the designated driver. You're the one guy in your group that doesn't drink. Yeah, you're like a substitute teacher

all the time. We just want to drive around, save money on cars. Where are we going tonight? Paul's car. He's got that third row. We can lay it down. I'm going to put an antique pistol in my mouth. Actually, to be in the group

sounds like fun. It does. To be the driver is horrible. to be in the group sounds like fun. It does. To be the driver is horrible. Get some buddies together. No, not to be the driver. If you were one of the other people, it's a blast.

Get some buddies together. You're like, me and Paul will be in the way way back. You guys, we don't even need to know what's going on. We're going to be

shooting at cars. How old is Cece is the question. I'm going to be shooting at cars. How old is CeCe is the question. I'm going to say CeCe is 31 years old. 31. Wow. I like it. That's my bid. Old enough to know. No way. Dude. CeCe.

Fuck. That fucking dude. I used to know him because his mother worked at the fucking dead and fire department. Matter of fact Nah forget it He's Oh yeah she was like

The Ghostbusters lady Of the Dead and Fire Department Yeah she was like Yeah she was like the checker She'd answer the She was like the checker She was the checker Dude she was the

Fucking checker What do you mean by checker What do you mean by Fucking checker She was a checker What do you mean She played checkers And we had this other crazy guy

who used to come in and he used to try to do our accent. What was that fucking guy? She's a fucking checker. She asked you if you're going to fucking work today or that.

Jeez. I would say CeCe is, I think he's 24. 24 years old. Colin? Colin? 32. 32 years old.

Cut him off. Wow, Paul's mad. $1 to him. We're not prices, right? We go close to one year old. So confident. He may be right. I'm just imagining a toddler with a bottle of wine.

Just a one-year-old. We have friends with a one-year-old. Just looking at people. You think you're fucking better than me? He's got talking skills. This is the plot of Look Who's Talking For. He's in the 90th percentile. It's incredible.

Did you say this is the plot of Look Who's Talking For? Okay. I'm going to say he's 38. 38 years old. 38 special. The older it gets, the more depressing. Yeah, it's depressing. It's a depressing story.

But the more the hurting is relatable. The hurting. Oh, shit. Yeah. Wait, I want to amend my agreement. Okay, go for it. Go for it. I forgot about how much he was hurting.

It's $1,000 worth of hurt. I forgot about this son of a bitch's hurting. But also, don't forget. I'm going to keep it in the 20s. Yeah. Okay. And I'm going to go 28. 28.

Yeah. You got to remember, he also had- Because he's had one, he's had his first big relationship- Yes. In his 20s that has fallen apart. Yeah. You got to remember, he also had... Because he's had one, he's had his first big relationship in his 20s that has fallen apart. So now he knows what hurt.

But running out of the bank with all your stuff showing, look what I did all by myself, feels young. It does. Yeah.

Yeah. But it could also be the wisdom of age. He's showing her everything so she'll get the message. Yeah. Like, you see this picture, right? So you understand when I get in the car,

we need to fucking go. Money, gun, sunglasses, sweats. It's really an accumulation of his whole life's experience. He's showing everybody. It's like a baboon presenting a pink ass.

I would say he's 44. 44. Jesus. Okay, run it down for me, Rand. 44, 31. 44 and having a stepdad. Here's another good question, if I could. Wait, you said...

32. Do you think he has a prior? Yes. You do? You think this is his first date? I don't know. No, not date. A prior date.

No, but they're all like this. They all end like this. They all end like this. What? You think it's a crime of date? Yes. That's how he gets the transpose. This is what a crime of passion is.

50 first crimes. This is his heat. All right. Dan, how. This is his heat. Dan, how old is he? Okay, we got them all? Yeah. All right. Christopher Castillo.

I liked him better when he was just Castillo. Cece. It's like the old Paul Reiser bit when he was like, you know, Christopher Castillo. You're like, who?

Castillo. Oh, like, who? Castillo. Oh, right. Half the information, twice the recall. Great bit. Great Paul Reiser bit. Christopher. Well, I should say that one of you is only one year old. Oh!

Christopher Castillo is 33 years old. Oh! Very nice. And you know what? Well done, sir. And that is our first.

That's our first story. Paul just realized what's happening on the screen. Oh, yeah. Scotty Pippen. That is our first story. And to play us into our first break. I saw a change out of my periphery. I was like, I got to see what this guy wants.

Oh, that's not Castillo. Scotty Pippen, baby. Scotty Pippen. To reward him for winning, how about another song from Colin Hay right now? How about that? How about it? Very hard act to follow, right? I'll play an obvious tune.

This song never expects to be played in this kind of situation. Because all the songs hang out backstage hoping to get a run on the ball. You know, sitting on the bench going, fuck I hope he plays me. Down Under never bothers. It just kind of stands there with stocking feet, just filing his nails going, yeah, he'll probably play me last because I'm the most famous fried-out Kombi On a hippie trailhead full of zombies I met a strange lady she made me nervous she took me in and gave me breakfast she said do you come from a land down under women glow and men plunder

men plunder can't you hear the thunder better run take cover Buying bread for my man in Brussels He was six foot four Full of muscles I said to you Speak my language brother He just smiled and gave me A Vegemite sandwich And he said

I come from a land of none love where beavers flow and men they chunder can't you hear the thunder you better run and take cover take over lying in a den in Bombay looks like you're not a lot to say I said to the man are you trying to tempt me?

Because I come from the land of plenty He said oh do you come from a land of all love? Yeah, yeah Women glow and men plunder Can't you hear the thunder You better run You better take cover Because we are

Living in a land of love Women glow And men they plunder Can't you hear the thunder You better run You better run You better run You better run

Take cover Living in the land down under Women glow and men plunder Living in the land down under. Women glow and men plunder. Can't you hear the thunder? You better run, yeah. Better take cover. I'll take all of that you got.

Hot damn. That is... Beautiful. Amazing. Thank you. That was great, man. Wow. Wow. Hearing that song like that is the greatest.

I'm so glad he listened to us and decided to do that at the end. Thank you. We got one more story to do. We do. Thanks, Tom. Can I just say that that was one of our favorite videos? Videos on MTV.

I was like, watch that video. But we could tell they had senses of humor, like that you guys were funny just by the videos. Well, we just had to find... Well, we didn't have any money, so you just had to find a location and do something interesting if you could. Yeah. Because we had to fight for, who could it be in our video was $5,000,

which is a lot of money. Which Australian, that's only like 20 cents. But then we had to get another 1,000 for the Down Under video. I'm too young. You're too young. I don't remember that. You remember MTV. You don't remember when MTV played music?

You don't even know. He only knows I didn't know I was pregnant. I grew up with a smartphone. Wow, Jesus Christ. You grew up watching Basketball Live. And YouTube. YouTube was really what he was we he was weaned on Randy That's right

Love YouTube Did you say basketball wives? I love YouTube too I said basketball wives So you've seen your fair share Of Caribbean brunches go south Is what I'm saying Friends

It's a basketball wives joke Anyway Before we get into the second story There was a little nugget That I've decided to include for you. I have a picture of Christopher Castillo and his date. Were you

withholding? Was this on purpose? I'm just not great at my job. Sorry to call that out. Oh, that's fine. The great thing is the show denotes that we're trying as good as we can. That's it. When you look at the two of them,

two things are going to happen. They make a great couple. They do look perfect for each other. Thank you. Wait, how old was she? I don't know. We don't know. You're going to think she was in on it.

Just judge this book by both its covers. Objection. Leading the way. Your Honor, this is prejudicial. If you want to see him and you're listening to this podcast, the jury will strike the line. We're not going to. Here we go.

The jury has the power to strike. Look at this knowing glance that everyone is. Don't they kind of seem like they were. So she's got a mugshot. Yeah. I think they originally arrested her. Yeah, because she walked away. Right.

With that look on her face. Right. Yes. She looks like she's thinking, I can fix him. Yeah. I can fix him. Meanwhile, you said wine mouth. He's got wine eyes.

That was a great Eagles song. Wine eyes. You can't hide your wine eyes. Thank you. I'll take it. Going back up. It's nice. Hey, it was fun up there.

I want to go back. I want to come back up. Go back up. But the Eagles are drunk when they're singing it. You can't hide your wine eyes. But the Eagles are drunk when they're singing it. You're right. I'm Glenn Frey. Ain't no way.

Was Glenn Frey doing a commercial just now? AARP? Yeah. It's just all of us around. Reverse mortgages. Reverse mort mortgages I wouldn't be selling it If I didn't believe it What the fuck Tom Selleck

They roll out The guys who are just looking The most bloated The guys who just look like They've just been on a run Tom Selleck But they're also like billion. Tom Selleck looks like he ate Tom Selleck.

Tom Selleck's like, look, I did a reverse mortgage on my mansion. Tom Selleck's like, when I'm not reorganizing my gun drawer, I am refinancing my house. Wait, let me ask Tom Selleck really quickly down under accurate? Quickly down under? No. Let's all do quickly

down under. Quickly Down Under. One round of Quickly Down Under and then we'll move on to the next. And then we do the chorus. Are you kidding me? It's a great movie. I just revealed how old I am. Jesus. One round of Quickly Down Under. They all believed it, Paul.

I thought you said Quickly Down Under. You are it too. Quickly. Quickly Down Under. I heard it too. Quickly. Quickly down under. I thought it was a great Tom Selleck movie. I heard it from my parents. No, you could have seen it. They FaceTimed me about it, Paul.

My Gen X parents. They couldn't figure out where to put their faces. We do it all the time. How old are you? They Snapchatted. I can't believe you said FaceTime. Is that where Tom Selleck plays baseball in Japan? Okay.

No. Jesus. You ready? Yes. Some stories are only fit for live episodes, and it seems like these are, because for our next story, we've got a Greenlee.

Okay. Let us explain what a Greenlee is. So Greenlee is a quote-un unquote journalist who writes for the TC Palm. And our theory is... For the what? TC Palm, the Treasure Coast Palm newspaper. And our theory is that... So it is what I thought.

It is what you thought. It is pre-exactly what you thought. I wanted them to know. Okay, thank you, Palm. Okay, go on. He is a journalist who writes about weird stories. He over-explains everything. To the point where we're like, you are given a 1,500 word, and these stories come in at 850.

So you try... He has explained to us what an anchor is and how it works. He has explained to us what pockets are. He wrote two verses of the thong song in an article. So he either thinks his audience is so dumb that he has to explain it. He has to hit a 1500.

So the game we play is, that's really fun, is... Maybe he's just learning these things. He could be too. And he's excited. It sounds like he knows his audience. Because these stories are coming from his area. I think he's in on it. So these people, it stands to reason.

The game we like to play here. Thank you. Back in the court. How did we get back in court, Paul? So the game we like to play here is Dan has broken down the story and then we all have to guess when something gets over explained, was that Dan or was it Greenlee? Fantastic.

If Greenlee is the person who wrote it when I reveal it, you will see this picture of Will Greenlee. Look at him. That's terrifying. Not what I expected. Serial killer glasses lenses. That's just like an AI. It is.

He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich. You know what I call that? I call that Quigley up over. Good heavens, Miss Sakamoto, you're beautiful is what I think when I see that. You've considered having him on

the show, obviously. He's aware Is he off or out? Is he tech avail? Of course Tech avail Tech avail, treasure coast He's got to hold on his dates

If I'm the person who wrote it, I will say so And then reveal this picture of me Dan, waiting I look like I got Look at that Waiting for an ice cream I look like I got tricked into what ice cream. I look like I got tricked into what I thought

was going to be a glamour show. Is that a river? Nope, it's a little pond. Hands up. Up by Point Reyes. Hands on the table or I throw you

in that fucking pond. Hands on the fucking... Dude, I'm going to take your fucking hands. Stop. I'm going to fucking chop them off. I was on a date with a guy.

He said, wait here, do not move. And then he said... Same jean jacket? Yep. I got a a date with a guy. He said, wait here, do not move. And then he said... Same jean jacket? Yep, same jean jacket. I got a thing for jean jackets. Same one? Yeah, held up.

Gets a lot of mileage. I like it. Solid jacket. You bet. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. That's what I say about jean jackets. If it ain't broke... If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

This was sent in by good people at GPDGorg. Thank you. Here we go. Fort Pierce, Florida. Set the stage. From the TC Palm. An apparent non-gender discriminating underwear thief may need to put her big girl panties on. All right.

Nope. No. Nope. I don't like it. Flat out no. Wait. No. Nope. I don't like it. Flat out, no. Wait. That's the headline? No, that's the

opening statement. Got it. You know how in journalism... That would be a hell of a headline. Yeah, you know how... I'll read you the headline.

You'll like the headline, too. Here's the headline. Accused bra booster skivvy swiper busted. Okay. All right. Skivvy swiper.

He thought of that one for a while. She's going to have to put her big girl panties on. That's because the 47-year-old woman got arrested after accusations of boosting bras and swiping men's skivvies at Beals Outlet on South US 1 and Virginia Avenue in Affidavit States.

Fort Pierce Police went to the store December 11th where a loss prevention worker... Never forget. Never forget December 11th. We never do. Never forget. I thought of it, but I let it go. Also, Colin's birthday. I thought of it, but it is Colin's birthday. To the day that it's

his birthday. To the day. This is your Florida man or woman. Fort Pierce Police went to the store December 11th where a loss prevention worker reported a woman went to the men's department, which is a department where men's clothing is displayed for sale. Jesus Christ. Okay. Who wants you to know that the men's department is defined as

the place where you buy men's clothing? Would that be Will Greenlee? By the way, there are multiple people have tried to look at Dan and get the cheat code. where you buy men's clothing? Would that be Will Greenlee or me, Daniel Van Kirk? There are multiple people who have tried to look at Dan and get the cheat code. Many people have tried to guess by how long the thing... No one gets it.

Dan will be in your head. You will doubt yourself by the end of this night. Yeah, it does feel like a fool's errand to look at Dan. Don't look at Dan at all. Think about it. And Paul and I

are obviously at a disadvantage because we're not, and Colin as well, we're not at a disadvantage. You're not. We've done it a million times and I never get Paul and I are obviously at a disadvantage because we're not as, and Colin as well, we're not. You're not. No, no, you're not. We've done it a million times and I never get it. I don't know. Last time we played this game,

I said something that we should put on a T-shirt. I said, I've never not known more. Which is a mantra in Dumb People Town. Why would you limit yourself to a T-shirt? I don't know. Because we're trying to sell merch. Put it on a plane. So who wanted you to know? On Put it on a plane.

So who wanted you to know... On the back of a plane. That's what you want to see when you look up at a plane. Someone flying a plane with the words I've never not known more. He's going through a divorce and he's going down today. Okay. Who wanted you to know

the men's department, which is a department where men's clothing is displayed for sale. Was that written by Will Greenlee or me, Daniel Van Kirk? You can go in any order. I'm going to say it was you. Me? Okay. I think it was you. Okay. Will?

I think... I think it was... You're scaring the kids. I think it was Greenlee. Greenlee. I think it was Greenlee. I think it was Greenlee. Okay.

The person who thought that you would be helped by knowing that the men's department is the department where men's clothing is displayed for sale, that was written by Will Green. I know it! Nice.

Okay, we're in it now. You're in it now. You're in it now, Paul. You're doubting every choice. Every choice you've made since you woke up this morning is out the fucking window. That was great. We're in the end game now, Tony.

Go to the store and work out clothes. I don't know if it was a good idea now. That's right. Not working today, it sounds like. Nope. Jesus, there are no rules. I just feel like the idea that he's like, but I don't need to explain that there's also a women's department.

That would be foolish. She selected four pairs of socks and two packs of underwear, concealing them in a bag before walking out. Although the quantity of underwear was not clearly stated, investigators specified four pairs of socks.

A pair is two. Thus, four pairs of socks totals pair is two. Thus, four pairs of socks totals eight socks. Who wanted you to know that a pair was two and then thought you would need help with the math

to figure out that four pairs of socks would be eight total socks? We are in uncharted waters, man. We are in un-motherfucking-charted waters. Honestly, this is like the condom is broken and you're still in there. Jesus Christ. You're fucked.

Fuck me, man. We don't know. You're in the game now, old boy. Who said that? This is such a dangerous game. I know. Dan or Greenlee. I'm going to say it was Dan.

Okay. Yeah, I'm going to say it was Dan. Okay. Colin? I have to go with it was Dan. Okay. Yeah, I'm going to say it was Dan. Okay. Colin? I have to go with Dan as well. Okay. Jay? I'm going to say Greenlee.

Okay. I think it was Greenlee too. All right. On the count of three, I would like you all to yell out who you think it is. One, two, three. Dan. Oh, wow. I overwhelmingly think it's you, Dan.

The person who wants to know that a pair is two, thus four pairs of socks totals eight socks. That was written by Will Greenlee. Oh, what? What? What? That's outrageous. In an article. That's outrageous.

That's journalism, motherfucker. No, fucking arrest him. Oh, yeah. That's outrageous. That's journalism, motherfucker. No, fucking arrest him. Arrest him. One man is crying. He's openly weeping. Arrest him. That is journalism. This needs to be a story about he outraged.

All I want is for someone to make a boomerang of that moment. By the way. That was like a paternity moment on Maury. They never had. By the way, Will Arnett has so much more aggression towards Greenlee than Castillo. Let the record state if we're still in the courtroom. He was willing to ride. It's an affront, man. It's outrageous.

I know. This is in an article that was published. Does he get paid by the word? I think that somebody needs to pay for that. This is like a Melville situation. It's unbelievable. I just hope he listens to this, and I want him to know

that I am motherfucking coming for you, dude. That's it. You got Lego Batman on your ass, motherfucker. Get ready. It's coming for him. Next sentence. Wow. This is the best.

Wow. I don't know what. I don't know what I don't know anymore you're doubting everything you're rattled I can't drive home after this I know I've never gotten this changes everything everything

everything next sentence I'll wait I've never been more engaged with something than this I know It's unreal It's unreal

Socks are items of clothing worn on the feet that function as a buffer between the skin and shoe I'm out of here Fuck this Fuck it No, no, no

Don't leave, don't leave Do not go Do not go Who thinks that you needed to know what a sock is? Paul, what do you think? And where it goes. You know what? I'll tell you what.

I'm just getting to know this guy, right? Oh, Jesus. I feel like he spaces them out more than this. You would have thought. And that he's like, okay, I'll explain. I'll explain. The concept of pairs of socks.

In a men's part of the story. But I feel like he's like, I'm going to let the idea of socks slide. You think he can? You think he can resist? You think that that motherfucker can resist the urge? This key is like the keyboard's calling me, man. I'm trying to believe in a world where he has restraint.

He has restraint. Yes. We've crossed. Who did that? Look, did you ever see that episode? There's no going back. Did you ever see that episode of Star Trek, The Next Generation? Yes.

Where they make Captain Picard, they're torturing him and they make him look at the lights and say how many lights there are. I'm going to be like that and I'm going to say it was Dan wrote that and that there's four lights. Okay. I see five, but okay.

Will. Will. Do you want us to come back to you? Yeah, come back to me. As your friend, I knew you needed it. I really appreciate that, by the way. Colin. I think it was Dan.

Why? He's going to write something. No, he doesn't. He doesn't. That's what's so fucked about this game. No, he does not. There have been a time where it was all Dan. Oh, that's true.

And everyone was like, he's got to be a Greenlee in there. No, Dan did it every time. And there are times where it's been all Greenlee. Yeah, but not tonight. Okay. Okay, good. That's confidence. You don't think he'd sully this stage with that?

No. Okay. Randy or Jason? Well, Will, do you? All right, I'll go. No, give Will some time. I think that's Dan. Okay.

I'm going to say it's Greenlee because I literally think, Dan, you're testing all of us. You're Ed Harris in the Truman Show right now. You're fucking with us to no end let him go when you were coming up with this is that a quote from the Truman Show

yes that movie exited my brain as it was happening it was like Jim Carrey in the third act yes I was going to... Like Jim Carrey in the third act. Yes. I was going to say like Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

What do you think, for real? When you were writing this, were you like, holy shit, this is explosive? Yes, it is. Every time. Yeah? Every time.

This is too hot to handle? It might be too hot to handle? Too hot for TV. Okay, here's what I'm going to say. Here's what I'm going to say. God damn it. I don't want it to be Greenlee. I'm an optimist

and I think that the world is a better place than this. That's how you see the world. I also, just going on, I got to say, and again, I can't stress this enough. I hope it's not him. You want to be wrong.

What does a pessimist want more than anything in the world? To be proven wrong. All right. So you're saying Greenlee. I'm saying it's Greenlee. All right. Two of us are Greenlee. The rest are Dan.

One, two, three. The person who says socks are items of clothing worn on the feet that function as a buffer between the skin and the shoe. That was written by... Will Greenlee. No! I don't even know. I don't even know. I don't even know.

I'm into two mics right now to tell you that I'm 3-0 right now. I gotta call my kids, man. Because this shit, it's over. Check in on them and make sure they're okay. Make sure they're okay. See, I thought I knew. Holy shit, Paul, what do you think? Here's what I think.

I'm fascinated. Here's what I think. I think this is because of you guys. No. You think that he's now doing this because of us? Yeah, it's possible. Why would he need to explain what socks are? You're wrong.

Wag the dog. Wag the dog. Wag the dog. Wag the dog. All right. If we're affecting this guy's writing, I could die. Paul getting the audience to say wag the dog is kind of wagging the dog. It's a definition.

They all said it, though. Well, it worked. Okay, I know we're not because he still writes articles that are just as weird. That we don't cover. No, he'll say nothing. Okay. Doing nothing over-explained. I think that reinfor don't cover. No, he'll say nothing. Doing nothing over-explained. I think that reinforces my theory.

He's writing this for an audience of three. And then an audience of like 100,000 who listen to our show. He's toying with you. He's like Jigsaw. He's like Jigsaw. What more do you want me to do? I know I'm for that too. What if... I almost want to do? I know I'm for that, too. What if... Of great love.

I almost want to get the house lights up. What if he's in the audience tonight? In disguise. Fuck you. Where are you? Show yourself. Where are you? Like, I go into my son's room, and he's, like, holding my son.

I'm like, Jesus. He's 11. That's a big kid. This is your son. That's a big kid. This is your son. A child comes from a man and a woman. You've been hanging out with this guy too long. The undies and socks rounded out to the nearest dollar were valued at

$59.94. I know. The loss prevention worker told police that four days earlier he saw... We all know what a loss prevention worker is. A phrase we hear every day. No need to... The loss prevention worker told police that four days earlier he saw the same

woman enter the woman's department, which is a department where women's clothing is displayed for sale. Who wanted you to know that the women's department is a place where women's clothing is displayed for sale? Dan. Okay.

Right? You don't know anymore. You don't know about anything. I'm not playing anymore. You don't know about anything anymore. This is the playing anymore. You don't know about anything anymore. This is the elimination of facts right here. Go ahead. Paul?

This one's very tough. This is... Paul, go into your hat for this one. It's just like, what do you see? Look into your hat. Look into your hat for the answer on this one. Who did that? Truman?

No. No, that did not happen in the movie. No, no, no. He's talking about Harry S. I know. What's his name? Came up with Mormonism. Mormonism, yeah.

Oh, Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith looked in the hat. Sure. Remember that? Look into the hat. He's like, oh, the hat. And also, by the way, it tells me I'm in charge. Yeah.

And no one else can look. No way, it says that in that? And it says I can have five wives. Five wives. It says I can have five wives. It says five wives. You can't have sex with that person too. Oh, but because God told me.

But then what if God told the other people not to have sex with you? No, he's not speaking to them. No, no, he's not speaking to me. That's Mormonism. Okay. Okay. I think it was Greenlee. Okay.

And Will says me. And Colin. Colin, who do you think? I want to say Will Greenlee, but I'm going to say Dan again. I'm saying Greenlee. I think this is one of those times this feels like it's in the flow of the article.

This one's pivotal. I am 3-0. I can lose this one and still walk away a winner tonight. So I'm playing with house money. I'm saying it's Greenlee again. Okay. I think this is Dan. Because I think you waited for this one.

And you were like, the other three were the trap. And I could be completely wrong. So a Trojan horse off the back of the men's department. Yes. And now he's in. He's in. No fucking way.

Everything is precursor to the women's department description. What if before the Trojan horse, someone else had given him a big animal, a big wooden animal? Yeah. So when they get the Trojan horse, they're like,

oh, another one of these. Great. Now we have two. Put it next to the giant wooden rabbit. Everybody's got their answers in? Run it down for me. Randy says Dan. Paul says Greenlee. Will says Dan. I say Greenlee and he says Dan. We are Greenlee. Greenlee. Will says Dan.

Dan. I say Greenlee and he says Dan. We are confused right now. One. House divided. Two. Three. Greenlee.

There's a house divided. Now you're shifting. Yeah. Now they're shitting themselves. First we said the women's department, which is a department where women's clothing is displayed for sale. That was written by Will Greenlee. I can't.

Four and O. I just want you to know. Four and O. And that's nothing to be proud of. It is literally nothing to be proud of. I'm for real furious. That's just his style, isn't it? That's just his style. I know. It'm for real furious. That's just his style, isn't it? That's just his style. I know.

It's just bad writing. She chose bras and was accused of getting the five-finger discount on ten items valued at $104. Bra, which is short for brassiere, is an undergarment women use to support the breasts. According to a dictionary

entry, brassiere is French in origin. And this is our last one of the story. I gotta run the table, man. Who wanted you to know what a bra was? And where it came from.

I feel like, Dan, you have fucked with us so hard on this that now I'm just fucking with myself. Yeah. It'd be like if Clarice, like, fucked herself over in Silence of the Lambs. Yes. And he didn't have to do anything.

Jeez. Welcome to the jungle. I know. Jesus. Does anyone have a thought immediately? Dan, okay. You guys think a thought immediately? Dan. You guys think it's Dan? This is the last one. This is the walk-off and then Colin plays a song and we all walk out here champions.

Before we go, our buddy Jeff Tice. Do you have any plugs? Yes, we should absolutely. While we hang on this, Paul. Let's go straight to plugs. No, we should do plugs. Let's go straight to plugs. Come on.

Straight to plugs. You got shows coming up here? Yeah, you're going on tour with... Yeah, I have a tour. You're going on tour with Ringo Starr, and you're going on tour on your own? I'm going on tour by myself. By yourself.

By his damn self. Where can people catch the dates? ColinHay.com. ColinHay.com. Go see him live. Go see him in your city. It's the best. Literally the best.

We got to see it live here. Okay. Lego Masters still on? Sure, but I'm also driving to Florida starting tonight. Are you really? Yeah. To kill Will Greenlee. Nick Cage in Wild at Heart. Going. No, he's like that woman

who was shunned by the astronaut. He's just going to wear a diaper and fucking take it all the way. Will Greenlee's going to walk in tomorrow and be like, Will Arnett started following me on every social media platform. Are you shitting me? No, hold on. Let me finish.

He's been harassing me all night. Yeah. A really tired and strung out looking Will Arnett outside the office. And he just keeps yelling, get out of here. I know you're in there. And I know what an office is! I ain't going nowhere! Come out that door!

A device to use to separate walls providing access! Get out here! What on? Wow. Can you read? Oh, plugs? Yeah, plugs. Hey, everybody. Well, they're not going to edit this on its own.

I do a couple monthly shows with friends of mine. The last Wednesday of every month, which includes this month, I do work juice improv at Dynasty Typewriter with my friends from The Thrilling Adventure Hour. So funny.

And then on the third Tuesday of every month at UCB Franklin, The Bajillionaires. It's me and my friends from Bajillionaire. The best show. One of my favorite. Jay and I played the Propertunity Brothers on that. That's the Propertunity Brothers. We played George and Gregory, the Propertunity

Brothers. Also, I have a podcast called The Neighborhood Listen where we take actual posts from nextdoor and we use them for improv. We interview people. One time my wife who was in the crowd said, Nextdoor is so ridiculous. Especially in Silver Lake.

Someone was like, there's a chicken walking across the road. Did you do that one? There are a lot of chicken posts. There's a chicken walking by. My wife, poking the bear that is Nextdoor.com, decided across the road. Did you do that one? There are a lot of chicken posts. There's a chicken walking by Maxon. And my wife, poking the bear that is nextdoor.com, decided to comment on that post.

How funky is it? Great joke, Amy. It's a good dig. Great joke. Solid dig. To which someone then answered, that is a real chicken with real problems and real issues. Shut the fuck up. No.

No, Nextdoor.com. And this is how much I love our 14-year-old daughter. She then went to the little white dry erase board on our refrigerator and wrote, quote, that is a real chicken with real problems and real issues. Good for her. Some dummy on Nextdoor.com. All right. So that is. Some dummy on nextdoor.com. All right. So that is a brilliant idea for a show.

So that is the third. No, that's a podcast. Yeah. And that's on Stitcher Premium. All right. Randy J., any dates? We go to superscleros.com. We're going to be in Madison, Wisconsin

on March 12th through the 14th. And you can go to look at all that. But we're going to be doing stand-up on Conan on March 9th. So you can check us out. all that. But we're going to be doing stand-up on Conan on March 9th. So you can check us on that. Conan. Conan O'Brien. Conan O'Brien.

I didn't know he had a last name. Okay. And I will be in Austin headlining Cap City Comedy on the 11th, 13th, and 14th of March. For all other dates and everything else I'm doing, go to danielvankirk.com. And our buddy Jeff. Jeff Tice. And guess what, guys? For the first time ever at Largo, in preparation for the tour we are doing this year,

we will be selling these posters after the show. They have the dates we're going and the Largo in residency. Jeffrey Tice, who is a fabulous comic and a great artist as well, made these for us. So if you want one, come grab one after the show. All right, here we go. Good, ready? Will you read it to us one last time?

One more. Read the thing in question. Yeah. Bra, which is short for brassiere, is an undergarment used to support the breasts. According to a dictionary entry, brassiere is French in origin. So this is really an issue of, do you believe that Dan

would just run the table with greenlees on us? Yeah, this is more of a question of who Dan is. Is Dan an asshole? And here is the other thing. Why would he now reference the dictionary? Ooh, that's a good point. Don't even try.

I remember Michael Che was like, I got it, man. I got the pattern. And Randy and I both looked at each other and were like, he doesn't have shit. He does not have. And then he missed the next four. What do you think, You think about Jack Allison? Yeah, that's right.

I think that. Weirdest Twitter. I think that not not fully knowing Greenlee's writing style, although I feel like I got a better sense. Now that I did before. The dictionary entry phrase makes me suspicious. Okay. And if I'm wrong, I'm wrong.

But I'm going to say that was Dan. Okay. Will? Will, stop touching that void. He's a broken man. You can't touch the void. You'll get lost. That's a full psychotic break.

I know. He's really broke me, man. Despondent. the void. You'll get lost. That's a full psychotic break. I know. He's just... This really broke me, man. Despondent. Despondent. I just... I didn't know it was going to be like this. You were a different person when you walked on stage.

I thought this was going to be fun. I was having a great day. I know. I had a great day today. Bought wine at 365. Yeah. Hung out with a checker. You know what I ran into?

That was Paul's story. All right. hung out with a checker you know what I ran into that was Paul's story alright I think that I gotta go back and say that this is green I mean greenly again

okay I'm not I'm not psyched about it no I'm not proud of that and I brought up I brought up the dictionary thing but now knowing that this

that there are no rules with this son of a gun none you know it's like Florida itself. I mean, shit. Colin. I had really no idea it was going to be like this.

I'm going to say Dan again. Dan again. Okay. All right, Jay. I can't believe, I literally, as I'm going to say this, I'm also going to tell you that I am wrong. Don't hedge your fucking bet. I'm doing it.

This was Dan. The rest of it was Greenlee, and I felt pretty good about it, and I've been right four out of four times, which I need to mention again. I love that some, I heard somebody like very knowingly go, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. She got it. She was like, I'll allow it. Tell me four times. Yeah. Fine like I'll allow it Call me four times Fine I'll allow it I am going to say that that was Greenlee

Because I am no longer the human being I once was You're lost I'm lost Okay One Two Three It's a house divided.

No, there was a lot of Dan. There was a lot of Dan. I don't know. I'm feeling Dan hard on this one, but we'll see. All right, go, go, go. All right. Colin, get ready to play us out, because this will be the last thing we have from this.

Yeah, you get to hear more, Colin. The person who wants you to know what a bra is, what it is short for, and where its origin comes from. To close out this long running podcast but I'd still say we created some magic here tonight you better believe it

the person who wrote that was Will Greenlee. Oh! sleep I think about the implications of diving in today possibly the complications

especially at night I worry over situations that I know will be alright it's just overkill situations that I know will be alright It's just overkill

Day after day it reappears Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear Ghosts to light my heartbeat shows the fear ghosts appear and fade away ghosts appear and fade away Ghosts appear and fade away Callan Hay, everybody.

Callan Hay. Callan Hay. Will Arnett. Paul F. Tompkins. We're the Star Brothers. Get back here. We're going to go back to work. Enjoy it.

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