Dumb People Town - DPT Live at Sketchfest with Aimee Mann, Ted Leo and Chris Redd

Episode Date: January 28, 2020

Dan, Jason and Randy bring DPT Live from Sketchfest! First they start out with Flatos! Then they welcome Chris Redd and musical guests Aimee Mann and Ted Leo to hear about their Florida Man! For story number one, WE HAVE A GREENLEE where a woman is arrested for pointing at her husband. In story two, they recap the things people got stuck in their ears, nose and swallowed and other areas you shouldn’t search in 2019. 

Skypains Avenue What's up you guys? How you doing? This is amazing. I'm so happy to see all of you out here. 730. I'm glad traffic wasn't difficult. I'm happy that San Francisco is so cheap. I'm happy that the tech bros aren't destroying and shutting down restaurants. Okay. We have got a great show for you tonight with great guests. And as is common practice when we do this show live, we always like to have music throughout. And so tonight we have two people that are amazing in their own right individually together. They have a band called The Both. I'm going to bring them out here right now. They're two of our favorite people, two of our favorite musicians, and they're going to play some music in our theme song and then be up here on stage with us while we do this thing called Dumb People Town. Please welcome Ted Leo and Amy Mann. Thank you. Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They're lacking grace and sometimes shoes The life they choose will make the news

Breaking down each epic fail In Florida, there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make it Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum Thank you. There we go. Thank you, Amy Mann, Ted Leo. They'll be playing music throughout. Woo!

Wow. That got real. In the middle of that song, it got really real. We just got right down to it. It's like what Robert Plant said at Live Aid. He was like, where's all the pussy?

We're going to take the mood down a little bit. Maybe lift it up. Lift it up. We're very happy to be here in San Francisco. Dan Van Kirk. I can't believe none of you are making fun of my hat yet. They are.

Randy's hat looks like, and I love doing visual jokes on a podcast. Yeah, it's great. Smart. Very smart. Randy's hat looks like if Smokey merged with the bandit. You know what I'm saying? It's like a Diablo sandwich.

Dan, you got anything else for me about my hand? You look like you just got fired from the mill. And the high school football coach is trying to railroad your son's scholarship opportunities. Kid's been practicing hard. Why isn't he seeing the field? I got the kind of mustache right now that cops both love and hate.

Yeah. You look like you just made three citizens arrests. Yes. On nextdoor.com. You look like you personally hate John Rambo. Guy's not a patriot. You're rooting for the town to kill him. Right.

Exactly. Come on, people. When you put that hat on, you were clean-shaven. When I put that hat on, I thought women had a right to choose. Your outfit looks undecided. Should we get into this right now?

I don't know. Do you think a woman can be president? We don't need to talk about this now. We're going to kick it off? Are you? We got to officially. Oh yeah, let's kick it off. Hey townies, welcome to another live episode of Dumb People Town. Population U.

All of you. We have such a great show tonight, and we're gonna bring out our guests in a minute. But as is always just fun to do, I think this is the last time we're gonna do this. Because we've done so many, it may be time to move on and just make fun of Randy's hat. We have a spirit animal in Dumb People Town. For those who don't know, he took a woman to a casino. There he is. Is he coming up?

Dan's going to bring him up. He took a woman to a casino. He gave her $100. She put it in. They hit a jackpot, $100,000. Went up to go to the front and cash out and split it. And the casino said, no, you get all $100,000 because you pushed the thing. And she said, get security to keep that guy away from me.

I'm going to take all this money. And then we sort of, we kind of got into it with him. We met him. He became part of the Facebook page. Dan's going to bring him up right now. We're, of course, talking about, Dan, you ready? If he can. Hold on. At now we're of course talking about Dan you really can at least we're not in a techie City so he is coming up right you got it Dan okay just Dan's gonna scroll through some emails yeah guys so my

right five minutes Dan has 87 move on.org emails right now. You got it? Okay, there we go. There it is. That is nothing Jan Flato is wearing is not promotional. Okay. So we like to think there's a lot that we know about Jan Flato, but then in many ways there's a lot that we don't know about him. Like, for example, Jan Flato spent the last four hours

reorganizing his concert ticket drawer. Jan Flato has received a cease and desist letter from the Dustbuster company. Jan Flato's been in a Walmart and called it mood lighting. Thanks.

Jan Flato still calls it TiVo. Jan Flato still calls it TiVo. Jan Flato owns a three-piece bathing suit. Jan Flato has four tattoos that are covering up seven tattoos. Oh, jeez. Jan Flato bottles his own water. Jan Flato once had his hair laminated Jan Flato won't wave his hands in the air

Because he cares too goddamn much Jan Flato wants to make South America great again Jan Flato listens to Pandora for the ads. Jan Flato's the only person who thinks that Greta Gerwig didn't get snubbed. Jan Flato calls women's marches live Tinder. Jan Flato loves to pretend to drop your baby.

It's a good joke. Jan Flato once stole a parasail. A what? A parasail. It's a hard thing to do. When Jan Flato orders a Shirley Temple, he orders it neat. Okay.

There we go. Jan Flato, everybody. All right. So I want to bring out our guest who is going to join our awesome musical guests as well with us. He's amazing. We've got to hang with this dude at a number of... Because we don't live in the same city,

we seem to get together at festivals at Moon Tower and here at Sketchfest, and he is, in addition to being hilarious, just a great dude. Please welcome from SNL Chris red Chris red so good what up man I'm not I'm not going to make you do this bit, but you know how comedians you love have that bit that you then tell all your friends about? So when we were in Montreal,

you did the bit about your cousin who's super hard. Yeah. And you just, there's nothing hard about you and you try and be hard around him. Yeah, my cousin, Jake, he's in jail for stuff he definitely did. Yep. Okay.

All right. Fair enough. The jail system's real fucked up, but they nailed it with this guy. I love my cousin. He made me want to be a gangster. He's the coolest dude I know, but he would always get on me for shit,

like smiling, and that's hard. It's hard to combat that. Yeah, what can you say? Yeah, he was like, why are you smiling so much? I'd be like, because life is beautiful, nigga. Like, what? The sun's out. We're alive.

Yeah. He used to punch me a lot. Because puppies, motherfucker. Yeah. Just pet kittens. You know? It's life. All right.

Well, you know what we do? We believe the world's getting dumber. We try to fight back with comedy. We get great stories sent to us. Dan, should we start one? Well, we have to start out all of our live shows with a little thing we like to call the Florida Man Game. Yes.

Now, Ted and Amy, you guys have both done live shows before. This is your first time doing one together. That's true. So according to Wikipedia, the birth of both, the first time you performed a live show together was on March 8, 2013. Is that so? Under the term The Both.

That was like your first show of The Both. Ted, why are you fighting us on this? That's just weird. Yeah, man. I'm not fighting him. Hard to say. Okay. Acquiescing.

Wikipedia is definitely never wrong. Yeah, never. So March 8th, your Florida man, the Florida man for The Both, is Florida woman claims demons made her steal rental car. Oh. What? A woman in Jacksonville became so upset

when Ace Rent-A-Car didn't have a vehicle for her. Looks like Ace Freely Rent-A-Car. Ace Rent-A-Car. By the way, who rents a car from Ace rent a car? That's not a real thing. I don't even know what that, that sounds like a drug front. You know what I mean?

We got one car. Right. You got to drive him around in it. Yeah, right. I got to beat it the whole time. The car,

two stops. Two stops. On my trip, you got to beat it. The car has priors. Also hubcaps. Yeah. A woman in Jacksonville became so upset when Ace rent a car, didn't have a vehicle for her,

so she stole one that was being cleaned and drove it off the lot. Employees found it less than a mile away at a travel lodge inn. Wow. What an errand to run. What a great ad. She had high hopes. Cars so great you can steal them for a little bit. Local media asked her why she took it.

To which she responded, demons told me to do it. I didn't take it. The demons took it. Which is the only reason to go to a travel lodge. That's right. 100%. She was the most normal one at that travel lodge that night.

Okay. We're going to play another one. Florida Man Game. I wish that was the plot of the next Saw movie. You know what I mean? Yeah. You know what I mean? Demons made her do it. Can you imagine just driving with like all the hair in your face and you can't see anything?

I wish I had that excuse for one of the girls I dated. Really? Demons made me do it. These demons made me do it. I did not want to break up with you. Why do I not have a condom right now? Demons made me do it. Took it off. Sklars,

for those of you who don't know, you're about to learn, recently celebrated their birthday on January 12th. Hey. Thank you.

Now, for the birthday, did y'all do prank gifts to each other? Like you, that hat and whatever you got. Wait a minute. I heard y'all roasting the hat

and I had to get mine in. It was, I liked it. We'll allow it. So, we know, we've talked about one. They have one that we talk about a lot called A Man in Florida. We might have done this on the show. A man in Florida threatened to kill his neighbors with kindness, and then he revealed to his neighbors that he had named his machete kindness.

Yeah. So. Listen. his neighbors that he had named his machete kindness. Yeah. So, listen. That's the fucking best thing I've ever heard in my life, dog. Literally happy birthday. Come on, man. You can pick your friends. You can pick your friends, neighbors. The only thing better than that

is after he kills them, he's like, I'm not a hack. Thank you. Appreciate that. Thank you. I'll be here all week. At Sklar Brothers. So I wanted to find you guys a new one, and I did. All right. Here's the headline.

January 12th. January 12th. Florida woman breaks into police station, eats officer's dinner. This is an actual picture. First of all, look at the microwave. That just tells me officers don't know how to use a microwave ever. It tells me that someone's job was to clean half of it. And they left the Clorox so close to it.

They're like, make sure you get that ammonia close to my food. What were you warming up? Just a half-made steak? I mean... You can just put soup in there, right? Just throw it in. Just pour the creme brulee on the tray and it'll just...

I love eating a cop's food because that is a way to fuck with them. I don't know how she broke in because I think it's a public place. And it should be open 24 hours a day. When is a cop station closed? How do you break into the place? They stop that kind of thing.

I don't know. By the way, that is a pro move, to walk into someone else's room and eat their food. Because you're ruining the day for a long time. And it's not a detective, so he's not going to figure out the crime. This is a modern day I drink your milkshake. It is. Not to quote another Paul Thomas Anderson movie while

Amy Mann's on stage, but this is I drink your milkshake. I microwave your milkshake and then I drink it. There will be creme brulee. Okay. When officers walked into their station's kitchen... So this is deep in the police station. No one... First of all, these cops are bad cops.

So this lady's just walking around, and everyone's like, hey, hello, ma'am. Hi. Like, what... How many random people are walking? Is this a library? What is going on? It's a police station. I love how happy you made her on her way in.

Because that's how you would do it. I don't know how you would do it because I wouldn't. That would be confidence to talk to people as you're walking through. Good day. And yelping. You know we're out of blue pens? I'll go by the store. Who was that?

I don't know. I don't know. When officers walked into their station's kitchen, it became clear someone had broken in. The half-eaten remnants of an officer's chicken and asparagus dinner. That's sad. Chicken and asparagus? That was never good.

There's no sign of asparagus. We're still sitting on the counter. Investigators said 29 year old Valande Jean-Pierre That's her Valande Jean-Pierre So she's like a real person and half a Kenan character And all that

Valande Valande sounds like the make of the car that other woman stole It was a 1992 Valande She sounds like a perfume became a person. And it's wonderful. Investigator said 29-year-old Valande Jean-Pierre

left her wallet, ID, and state of Florida security officer card at the scene of the crime. She's a security officer. She probably walked in being like, we work together. We're basically... I'm checking security.

Right. Being a security officer in Florida outranks a cop in any other state. 100%. She probably said, I have a holster too. They won't let me put nothing in it, but I wear it. She's like definitely taken over a few investigations she shouldn't have.

She just shows up to the scene. I got it, guys. I got it. By the way, is there anything better than microwaved asparagus? I mean, you know it's going to be real stiff and wet. How can this be

hard and rubbery at the same time? So many consistencies. I have one cop who's like, hey, Dave, you smell asparagus and chicken? No, I couldn't be that. No, it couldn't be that. It couldn't be that. I think it's overworked. We were overworked.

You're having a stroke, Rick. Meanwhile, Jean-Pierre is like writing a letter to Richard Jewell. Okay. I just need to know who's charging their computer right next to the microwave like that. It's like a... I can't get any space in this fucking office.

It's a straight up Dell. You know what I mean? It's the bad computer. It's like a Dell that weighs like 80 Dell. You know what I mean? It's the bad computer. It's like a Dell that weighs like 80 pounds. You know when a computer cord goes to like another box and then another cord. He spends half of his shift just loading the computer on. The weird thing is,

and when everyone gets to see this on the Facebook page, the microwave is in pristine condition, with the exception of the plate of dead peeps on the side. Well, I wish they had some cleaning supplies peeking out of the back of it. Okay, ready? Chris Rudd, according to the internet, your birthday is May 25th. Is that correct? No, the internet lies. Well, your birthday is May 25th. Is that correct? No, the internet lies.

Well, today it's May 25th. What is it for real? It's March 25th. March 25th. Well, today you're May 25th. Maybe you couldn't read, Dan. Oh, you know what? I wrote May, but it is March because that is when this story from.

I guarantee. Thank you, W-E-C-T-B.com. Like this story, guys. No, I'm kidding. Here we go. Here we go. March 25th. Florida man calls cops after people he paid

for sex don't show. First of all, problem solve. That's the wrong order. It is. That is the wrong order. How did he even put that call in? I know. What seems to be a problem? Man!

I paid him. They ain't fucked me. Okay, sir. Can somebody come down here and fuck me? Sir, you're going to have to call the non-emergency line. It's an emergency. I'm built up.

I'm built up and I'm backed up. I immediately flashback to that guy's childhood and his father's like, listen, if something don't go your way, you call him about it. You make the call. I will do that, daddy. I promise.

West Palm Beach, Florida. When John Omer Sengel called the police last Friday, I love when articles are like, you're going to read this when we write it. He probably didn't imagine he'd be the one going to jail. The West Palm Beach Police Department said he wanted to report that he paid, listen to this sentence,

he paid four people $500 for one or more of them to come to his hotel for sex. The people he paid never showed up. Has he ever bought anything in his entire life? No. This is the downside

to Venmo, you guys. I imagine this guy goes to the store and just like, hey, can I buy some of this for all of this? Right. I'll pay you and then I don't know.

I'll pay y'all. Y'all give me some of whatever. How much shit can I have? One of y'all figure it out. I don't know y'all. It's too easy to pay for stuff. I want him to have been on a business trip just in a bar and he was like, one of you people want to have sex? And they're like, yeah, how much? He's like, I'll give you $500

for one or more of you to come over. It could be a group thing. It could. You guys decide. I'll give you the 500. You sort out the promise. You're coming. A person like this does not have a business. No, that's what it's all about. What's his business? I'm going to use carpets. Take as much as you want. Leave what you feel is appropriate. Everything in here has a little bit of history in it.

He's so trusting. Right. I'm going to show you a picture of John Omer Sengal, and it is the picture of a man who paid for sex he never got. Let's see. Oh.

Just got sass. This looks like Chuck Schumer post-impeachment proceedings. This guy looked like his wife left him in another room and they started a new relationship, but they lived together. Right, he's still there. He looks like a poor John McClane and the movie is still called Die Hard.

I've never seen sad eyes that have an echo under them. Yeah, yeah. He still can't understand why they're not arresting the people he gave money to. Why can't I put a full bowl of candy out in front of my house on Halloween and expect everyone to take one piece? That's him. According to WPTV, police said Sengle became so enraged he dialed 911 to make the report. By the way, there's nothing like enraged dialing.

Ever. With three numbers only, though. I know. I want you to know I dialed hard. Did you feel that come through like that? All right, that's our Florida Man game, guys. There we go. So much fun. So fun.

Do we want to go into a story? Let's jump into a story. Okay, here we go. Story number one. This was sent in by Derek Shipley, at Derek Shipley, D-E-R-I-C-K S-H-I-P-L-E Thanks, buddy. Thank you, Derek. Guys, we've got

a Greenlee. Alright. Explain to Chris. So this is not a perp. This is not someone who's committed a crime. This is a reporter who writes stories for the TC Palm. And he, our theory is he has been asked to write

1,500 words, and the stories he's writing about only come to like 800 words. So then he over-explains things that you already know what they are. So in one story, he explained what an anchor was. He's explained pockets

before. He wrote two verses of the thong song in the article. So we are convinced that this dude has to meet a word quota. Now, so the game we play is Dan reads the story, and he is so good. I will tell you, we did this in

Brooklyn, and Michael Che was like, I got it, man. I got it. And then he got the next two wrong. Exactly. He thought he got it. We have to decide whether or not the over explanation is Dan or Greenlee. Or this dude, Will Greenlee. Serial killer, yes.

That man got bodies in his house. How is he that? Okay, you ready? Yes. And you guys are in on this. Amy and Ted are both playing. Of course you guys are. Port St. Lucie. There's a point at which you can get into trouble for pointing your pointer finger at someone.

Oh, Jesus. I already hate it. Boo. A 31-year-old Port St. Lucie woman apparently reached that point October 19th as she was accused of pointing her right pointer finger at her husband and not stopping according to an arrest affidavit. So if

you're just joining me, someone got arrested for pointing a finger at someone else and Greenlee is on the case. This is unbelievable to get arrested for doing this. Also, if you haven't picked up on it by now, he is going to write the word point

as many times as he can. That will also become a game in this story. To which I say, what's the point? The husband pointed out to a Port St. Lucie police that he and his wife returned home from a party. He said his wife was beyond the point of intoxication, but he evidently didn't belabor the point. Okay,

so you can see what I'm talking about here. So in addition to like weird ass asides that this guy does, we're going to guess at least once. If you think I wrote the point pun or if Greenlee wrote it, okay, I'm here on now. Yes. Okay,

ready? He that's the husband. We're back to the story. He said his wife started an argument over their relationship. He tried to leave, though the affidavit did not state whether he expressed concern

about things reaching the boiling point or getting to the point of no return or being of the opinion that quarreling was pointless. Who wrote that many points into that sentence? Greenlee or me? Ted? I think that was you, Dan.

Okay. I feel like it was Greenlee. No reason for him to stop now. Okay. He's passed the point of no return. To stop now would be pointless. I'm reaching my breaking point. You say it's him.

I do say it's him. And you said Dan, Greenlee, Greenlee. I'm going to say that was Greenlee. I'm going to say that was Greenlee as well. Okay. The person who wanted you to know that things reached a boiling point or they were at the point of no return or the husband was at the opinion that quarreling was pointless.

The person who wrote that was Greenland. Yeah. He's insane. He is insane. Literally. Literally insane. Those glasses he's wearing used to have bottom frames. Okay, that's.

And there's no medicine in those. He just wears those for fashion. That's how insane he is. Yes. No prescription. He said... This is the husband. He said his wife got in front of him and stopped him from leaving.

He alleged his wife kept pointing her right pointer finger at him and would not stop. The pointer finger, also known as the index finger, is the first finger and second digit on the hand. There is a popular middle school prank involving flatulence in which a prankster asks an unwitting victim

to, quote, pull my finger, which triggers the prankster's audible passing of gas and usually shrieks of laughter. This guy sounds like a fun child. Who wants you to know what a pointer finger is and what the pull-my-finger gag is? Ted.

I gotta go. I'm gonna stick with you, Dan. I'm gonna stick with you. I'm gonna stick. I'm gonna stick. Okay. You're in your head right now, Amy. I know, Amy, come on.

I'm going to be so disappointed in Greenlee. Okay. So I'm going to have to vote you. Okay. All right. Yeah. See? This is a rough one.

It's crazy. Of course, yeah, but it's a game. It wouldn's crazy. Of course, yeah. It's a game. It wouldn't be a game if it wasn't another option. See? It was funny. I'm going you, man. Dan, okay.

Jason. I just want you to know that we've done this game on other shows and Dan has done it where every single one has been Greenlee and there's one where he's done it and every single one has been Greenlee and then there's one where he's done it every single one has been Dan. Just to mess with us. You should have said that at the beginning.

It's not every time though. There are times where I wake up in a cold sweat and I'm like Greenlee. No. Jesus. Okay. I'm going to say that that was Greenlee. Two in a row on Greenlee. I'm going to say that was Dan. Okay. The person who wants you row on Greenlee. I'm going to say that was Dan. Okay.

The person who wants you to know that the index finger is the first finger and second digit on the hand and there's a middle school prank where you pull someone's finger and everybody laughs, usually shrieks of laughter. The person who wrote that is Greenlee. Shit! I fucking knew it! Shit! Don't doubt your instincts.

What is wrong with this guy? It's just... Yo, what was he like as a kid? Just like, you guys want to hang out? Hanging out is not hanging, but it's more like just being around each other. Okay, okay, Will. Take a seat at your desk.

A desk is a place where one usually studies, reads books, does their homework. I'm upset. That means mad or angry or... Jesus. Pull my finger. Okay. Meanwhile... Remember... By the way, that appeared

in a news article. I hate it. I hate it so much. I've never hated something more than this. I hate it. Chris, we told you. Also, Will Greenlee, one of the people who cracked the Robert Kraft-like sex massage case down in Florida. So he was a stringer down in Florida. Yeah, because he was there?

Yeah. A spa. Oh, yeah. Child trafficking. No, this is literally the thing that bloggers point to and go, see, we can do journalism too, guys. Look at this. Look at this. 100%. This is bad confidence.

Okay, so back to where he alleged his wife kept pointing her right finger at her and wouldn't stop. Meanwhile, from the husband's point of view, he told investigators that his wife's pointer finger struck him in the left corner of his eye, which was perhaps the turning point in the situation. Not unlike the 1977

movie Turning Point, in which a... Shut up! In which a ballet dancing Shirley MacLaine points the finger at co-star and rival Anne Bancroft. The film was nominated for 11 Academy Awards, but one none would surely

cause some finger pointing backstage. Ted, this is just But one nun would surely cause some finger pointing backstage. Ted. This is just good journalism. At this point, I got to go with Greenlee. Greenlee. I'm Greenlee. Okay.

I'm Greenlee. Okay. Jason. He says in total despair. He's just giving up. You've resigned. He's beating the joy out of your life. Man, I'm two for two,

and I feel really good about both of them. I want to... In my heart, my first initial thought was Greenlee. I'm going to stay with that, Greenlee. Okay. I'm going to say Dan. Okay.

Yeah. Audience, on the count of three, just yell your answer. One, two, three. Dan! Wow! Thank you. On the count of three, just yell your answer. One, two, three. Wow! Thank you. On the count of three,

tell me what you think about my hat. One, two, three. Okay, great. Good. I'll take that as positive. I love how people try to say words and then just like... It's like when half the people are at someone's birthday party

but don't know her. They're like, Shakira. Happy birthday. Shakira? Shakira. Happy birthday. Aunt Debbie. Oh, it's two people's birthdays?

You're right. Someone said Aunt Debbie. I said Aunt Debbie. I don't know this lady. All right. The person who wants to know this was not unlike the 1977 movie Turning Point that was nominated

for 11 Academy Awards and didn't win any. To review, Ted said Greenlee. Green. Greenlee. Greenlee. Dan. The person who wrote that was me.

Me. Greenlee Dan, the person who wrote that was me. Gotta believe in the hat. Power of the hat. And it looks like you took a picture right where you wrote it. I know. Dan's about to have someone play the game where they put the knife between his fingers. I look like the person who kidnapped me

said, wait here for an hour. Don't stop smiling. You're like you just hit a body, just had to go there. I have had a day. Dan looks like he just said to two passersby, I'm getting cake. That's a great jacket.

Immediately after that picture, Dan jumped into the body of water and was never seen again. You look like you think this is what a barbecue really is. I look like I'm about to tell you that it's not a pyramid scheme. You guys.

No, it's just like there's levels to it. Right, right. I make money when you make money, but we all make money. You just got to tell four of your friends. Okay. Is there more to this story? Ready?

Yes. Thus, in terms of who pointed the pointer finger, the husband pointed the finger at his wife. The wife, however, made a different point. of who pointed the pointer finger, the husband pointed the finger at his wife. The wife, however, made a different point. She said that the couple had been at a party, a social gathering of invited guests typically involving food and entertainment.

It is not known if the party had games like pin the tail on the donkey or charades, both of which involve a great deal of pointing. At some point in the night, her husband got jealous, but she wouldn't say why, perhaps not wanting to put

too fine of a point on things. Who wants you to know what a party is? Definitely Grainly. Grainly. I've never been to one. I can't believe we've had no Pointer Sisters references.

I know. Well, we're not done. All right, fine. Did you ever meet the Pointer Sisters? I don't know why I'm pointing at you. I don't know why you're playing into Greenlee's game like this. You've said.7 times in the last 30 seconds. I've always thought of the Pointer Sisters as like people would be like,

man, do you know that those three ants had a band? And they crushed it. They killed it. I've only heard of the Pornicestors. I've never seen them, like the Boogeyman or Jesus. They only come out at weddings in the Midwest, and then they go back. But when they are resurrected, there will be a new dawn. I think it was, you say Greenlee.

What do you say down the end? Yeah, Greenlee. Greenlee. Greenlee, Greenlee. I say Dan again. Okay, Jason? I think that's... You say Greenlee. What do you say down the end? Yeah, Greenlee. Greenlee. Greenlee. I say Dan again. Okay. Jason? I think that's Dan.

Okay. I have no idea, by the way. Count to three. One, two, three. Greenlee. Wow. A lot of Greenlees. The person who wants to know a social gathering of divided guests typically involving food

and entertainment, it's not known if the party had games like pin the tail on the donkey or charades, both of which involving a great deal of pointing. The person who wrote that is me. Oh, come on. Good shit. That is... I am pointing to the balcony. Calling your shot.

Too classy. It's too classy. It's too classy. She said the incident never reached the point of physical violence, and she didn't know how her husband got the mark near his eye. The affidavit did not state whether the couple were fans of Gross Point Blank, a 1997 film starring John Cusack and Minnie Driver, or whether a PowerPoint presentation was used in explaining the case. PowerPoint presentation was used in explaining the case.

Who wanted you to know that the affidavit did not say whether they were Fran, Fran, Fran, Fran. I'm singing a birthday song. Fans of gross point point. That is you. Chris Redd says me. Ted or Amy? I'm going to go with Dan. Okay.

I'm going greenly again. Okay. Jason? For real, I'm going greenly again. Okay. Jason? For real, I've never not known more. That's a great t-shirt for Dumb People Town. For real, I've never not known more. Dumb People Town. Dumb People Town.

Sketch Fest 2020. Like, having your peak and recognizing it is amazing. That's right. That's right. You're like that dude in Flowers for Algernon. I was smart for two of them. And I'm seeing the smartest go away. Don't squeeze the rabbit.

Be nice to the bunny. He likes it. He doesn't like it. He's loving it. I'm going to say that is Dan. I think it. He doesn't like it. He's loving it. I'm going to say that is Dan. I think it's Greenlee. Okay. The affidavit did not state whether the couple were fans

of gross point blank, a 1997 film starring John Cusack and Minnie Driver, or whether a PowerPoint presentation was used in explaining the case. The person who wrote that and wanted you to know about a lack of gross point blank knowledge in this article

was... One, two, three. Grant. William Greenlee. You did the other ones to hide this one. That's right. You got a lot of points on the board. That's a very good point.'s right. You got a lot of points on the board. That's right. That's a very good point. All right.

God, shit. This is just... I'm 0 for 12. This makes you doubt everything you've ever known in your life. It's like, ah, he sucked me in. Now I gotta find more articles. That's right. You gotta get your groove back.

I wanna run up on him at a travel lodge or something. That's right. Come on now. It groove back. I want to run up on him at a travel lodge. That's right. Come on now. Come on now. It could not be said. I'm sorry. It could be said the wife got no brownie points from police because she was arrested on a battery charge

and taken to the St. Lucie County Jail. By the way, what brownie points would you get from the police in that instance? Yeah, I don't understand that. Just ducking your own head? I don't know. Okay. Took a second, but some of you got there. We will get out of here on this.

How many times do you think, or can you guess, that the word point was used in some form in this article, not including the ones I wrote, just the green leaves. What's the number you would like to guess? You guys can guess in any order. I love how confident Ted's just like, yeah.

Ted's been counting. He's like a card counter. Get ready. I'm going to pick three of you to play along too. Okay, ready? 31. 31 from Ted. Amy.

But these are just the original green leaves. Yeah, these are just the green leaves. Just from his stuff, nothing I added, how many times did he use point or some variant of the word? 19. 19. Okay. Chris? 31, 19. I'm going to say 40.

40. Wow. Love it. But this is not including yours. No. But like, girls, point blank, point would be included in that. I'm going to say 27. Okay. I'm going to say, you said 1931, 40, 27. I'm going to say 13.

13. No, no, no. I changed that. That was the hat talking. That was the hat. Yeah. You know. The hat and the man had a disagreement.

Let me get back into my real self here. It's also a great hat. It is a good hat. You look like you're starring in the adult Curious George. You look like you just found out that Sam Elliott is your dad. You look like you pull over people in Colorado, but you're like, don't worry. It's not like that. I'm going to say 25. 25. You look like you pull over people in Colorado, but you're like, don't worry, it's not like that. That's right.

I'm going to say 25. 25. Okay. Would anybody in the town like to play? I saw your hand right here on the end. What's your name? Ashley. Ashley?

29. 29. Your hand's up right here in the middle. What's your name? 60. Jackie. Jackie, welcome to town. Or 60, welcome to town.

Jackie is your guess. 60. Let's go to the guy right here in the flannel. 71 times. Jesus. Wow, this man just likes numbers. I know. 71. 71. The confidence. Yeah, I know. I can go higher than everyone.

No one got it exactly. Ah, damn it. Who was closer, though? That's it. Here, we're going to find out. You're going to find out. Someone is very close. The amount of times that Will Greenlee...

And again, 31, 19, 40, 27, 25, 29, 60, and 71. A billion over here. 71. Tell you what, I'll count to 71. Okay. 71. We got it. 71. 71. It would have had to have been point, point, point, point, point.

Point, point, point, point, point, point. He closes his phone. No, no, no, no, no, no. 71. Point, point, point, point, point. All right. I'm going to count to three. You guys can yell it

because I don't care. If I hear it, somebody will I'm going to count to three. You guys can yell it because I don't care. I'll just, if I hear it, somebody will get credit. I'll count to three, yell your number. Nobody got it right. Okay. That was a bad way to do that. Also, Dan, you never counted to three. You just, I said on the count of three and then.

Put it in the edit. Put it in the edit. Put it in the edit. That was like verbally walking into a police station and warming up some food. I'll have chicken and asparagus. You know what? I'll make it myself.

The amount of times that William Greenlee, Billy G, Billy G, wrote some variant of the word point in this article is 26 times. Billy G wrote some variant of the word point in this article is twenty six times and split one off one off

night. There we go. Is that the first story? That is the first story down the segment. You guys will be back with more dumb people town right after this stick around down. There's more Dumb People Town. Alright, how about a little more music from Amy Mann and Ted Lito. Yay!

Do you want to tell us about this song? We picked this song because it felt like a very Florida man kind of topic. It's a song that I wrote because I was watching a lot of Hoarders

episodes. So, it's about a hoarder and his name is Gumby. I don't know why. I remember why. Because for a while we decided that dummy should be spelled with a B. Right, Paula Tompkins

would say Dumby. And then I was going to call it Dumby but that was too dumb. So I called it Gumby. Slightly less dumb or slightly more dumb. For real, I know... What was it again?

I know... I've never known... I've never not known less than I know now. I've never... Never not known more. I've never not known comma more or I've never not known more. One, two, three.

Don't be Don't be You should call your daughter again Don't call me Call your daughter Don't be I just can't do anything, can't do

anything right Don't ask me if I help when helping you just means someone to fight It's so hard putting on your clothes You don't

even move to cover your skin why move, moving is how things begin the front yard taken by the crows black guards with the shiny pieces of tin

so much fury you bury it in Gumby, you should call your daughter Please call your daughter again You must see things are getting harder And getting more out of hand Dude, you're not even that old How bad must it be to be bad as this?

All day filling a bottomless pit All those string, buttons, songs All tokens you've thrown down to the abyss There's a bottom that you'll never hit And I don't know just how you explain this To a kid with no way to live. Tell her that the father she has means well, but just has nothing to give. Come be.

Come be. You should call your daughter again. Don't call me. Call your daughter again you should call your daughter again don't call me call your daughter So good. First things first, I watched a lot of Hoarders too, and I had a huge problem. There was like a point in time where I was watching so many Hoarders,

and the problem for me, and I don't know if this happened to you, is that I could not, like, I had all of these episodes of Hoarders and the problem for me, and I don't know if this happened to you, is that I could not, like, I had all of these episodes of Hoarders saved on my DVR and I could not get rid of any of them. Oh my God. Each episode of Hoarders

was attached to a memory. I can't believe I listened to you set that up and was like, oh really? This is a... Yep. Secondly,

the fact Chris Redd was at Saturday Night Live when Eddie Murphy came back and did Gumby on that, that seemed like fucking nuts. Insane. Tell me what was going on in the studio at that moment. The whole week was electric, man. I tweeted this and I meant it.

Even from the start, pitching Eddie Murphy is insane. Pitching Eddie Murphy a sketch is like reading a scripture to Jesus Christ. I'm sure you've thought about this before. Sure, yeah. Mr. Murphy. What if he walked on water? But he's insanely talented. I mean, we all know that.

But to see how hard he works, too. And it was insane. All week he was making everybody laugh the hardest I've heard anybody laugh throughout rehearsals and everything. That live Gumby was literally when I was like, oh shit, Eddie's in his bag. He was in it.

He was truly in it. It was insane to watch, man. It was like, yo, you're kind of like my comedy dad. Then they made me his son and everything. That's right. It was so good. I had no line in it. It was like, you're kind of like my comedy dad, and then they made me his son and everything. That's right. It was so good. I had no line in it. It was bad. Y'all are the white, but

the line in it is... No line. I love it. It was incredible. So good. So beautiful. You guys have a show tomorrow that people can come check out, correct? We do, yeah. We have our own podcast called The Art of Process. Which we've done, and it's amazing.

We actually talk to people. Yeah, we did. I fell behind on the editing, so the episode with Sklarus has not been released yet. Oh, really? We fucking promoted it all over the place. That's so good. Round two. You're in round two.

No, no, no. People told us we were good on it. Yeah, wait a minute. Is that just people lying to us? Yeah, tomorrow afternoon at four at the Brava Theater Center and we're talking to musician

Rhett Miller and Scott Thompson from the Kids in the Hall. Oh my God. Go check that out if you're going to see that. We just gave you something to do tomorrow at four. Except for the people listening at home. Should we jump into the next story? I love this because I know what it's going to be. This is San Francisco. This is the third year that we've done this at Sketchfest. It has become a tradition

that I love. The first person to send it to me sent this to me on Christmas Day. That was their gift to you. I believe, yeah. Eric File. At Eric File. E-R-I-C-F-Y-L-E. And I'm a huge fan of Eric File's work. I guess you could consider me an Eric File.

All right. You would say an expert on Eric's work? Eric File. So, for the third year in a row, the year changes. The things get crazier. We will ask ourselves, starting from the top down, what did we get stuck in ourselves in 2019?

What? Now, if you're listening at home, I have brought up a picture that was included in the article. I do not know what, it looks like an external hard drive or something. No, that was the laptop that was plugged in next to the microwave. Next to a jellyfish. It looks like the ghost of a microchip. I feel like there's several pairs of earbuds. Several, several pairs of earbuds.

And it's either a vagina or a butt. Either way, it's mazel. It's like someone said, draw an orgasm. Exactly. And now you have to go to the Facebook page to see what he's talking about. The person who wrote this up from vice.com,

I'm going to read what they wrote, then we'll get into the list. For a decade, I've been chronicling our country's cavity misadventures, and I've learned several things. First, that it's dangerous to be horny. The sheer number of sex toys removed in emergency rooms is too high to include on this list for the most part.

Second is that men are far, far stupider than women. I think we knew that When it comes to estimating what will fit and what will be retrievable Oh my god Just ask for it That's it, that's it This is obvious, but it's nice to have the data to back it up Third

Wow Third The human body is a wondrous thing But the human imagination is even stronger. All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, and all descriptions are verbatim. Objects are sorted by orifice working south.

Okay. Here we go. Ear. Okay. Now, as I go through this, stop at any point, ask a question. I will not have the answer. But sometimes that question should just be put into the universe. If you have a personal opinion on what must have gone into this moment, let us hear it.

Let's figure it out. Okay. In 2019, here is what we got stuck in our ears. Two wireless earbuds. Thank you. I saw that. No, think about that two in one ear or did the person just not know how to take them out

or I can't hear it enough. Put it the wrong way. Bar baby. Yeah, stuck the other. Yes, the end ears music. No, Was this an adult? I completely believe that a person just put in headphones then did not know how to take them out.

Because Illinois just got weed to be recreational. There have been, in Rochelle, Illinois, my cousin is a fireman, there have been two marijuana overdoses in Rochelle, which is impossible. Absolutely impossible. I've tried. This person,

one person called up. In my family, we all have scanners, so they can all hear my cousin Kenny's calls. And they're like, Rochelle Dispatch, we have a woman who says she took edible marijuana. She cannot move her legs

and is unable to see. Sounds like it works. You're high. One guy said, I tried the edible. I've obviously overdosed. I can't get out of bed. They said to him, what did you do? He said, I took one. It wasn't working. I've never tried this stuff,

so I took five more. Yeah, that sounds real smart. I'm telling you, this person just put earbuds in. By the way, I can't get out of bed. The first thing I'd say is get to a bed. Right.

I can't get out of bed and I'm not in it. All right. I'm also at work. Right. I'm at work. But I work at a mattress store, so... It's more of a money laundry scheme. Maybe you've heard of the conspiracy. Okay.

Loose change. It was an incentive. Here we go. Two wireless earbuds. Next, jewel. And I hope they mean the musician. That's hard because she's got a tooth. Hey. I would have gone with a foolish games joke, but that's me.

I picked on a homeless person. Who will save this person's soul? I don't know. There it is at our brothers with a thumbs up quote sister put long slender toy in patient's ear. Whoa

don't let don't just don't have a sister exactly don't have that is the moral of that metal piece of shirt. I'm sorry But don't have a sister. Exactly. That is the moral of that story. Metal piece of shirt. I'm sorry. What? You mean armor?

Metal piece of shirt? You mean armor. Ted Leo is a punk rock musician. You've seen a lot of metal at shows. Not on shirts. Not on shirts. No, not on jackets. Yeah.

Western shirts sometimes. Maybe it's got like a metal. Were they on the set of a Janet Jackson video? I know. There you go. I would say that's out of control. Also, that's just called chain mail. Rock salt. A berry.

A berry. A berry. A white. A patient says she had wax in ear and attempted to remove it with tweezers and a piece of string. We got to fish it out. I have no idea. You got to lasso it and then take the tweezers and...

Paper in both ears. I don't know. Sure. It got stuck? Here, the next one is the most horrific one to me. No. Because of the visualizing... most horrific one to me. No. Because of the visualizing. The person putting it in.

No, here it is. Quote, placed thermometer in ear. It broke. Hold on. Nope. Placed thermometer in ear, fell on bed. Wait a second. I know. He fell on bed. Oh! Wait a second. Oh, God!

I know. He fell on bed, like, but... What? Don't examine it. Just move on. Oh, let's just move on. And you know that person, like, got up from the bed and was like, I'm okay, right?

I'm okay. Dude, you're fine. You're fine. They got up so quick, though. I'm so quick. Oh, no I'm okay, right? I'm okay. You're fine. You're fine. They got up so quick, though, so we go. It's on the bed, right? It's on the bed. Tell me it's on the bed and not in me. I don't see it anywhere. I smell chicken and asparagus. What if he got up? It's like to da trick

juice box straw. Sure. Which is my favorite foreigner song. Is a juice box straw got stuff? No. Don't make Ted do that. Pearl.

Jam? Yes. Literally. Jammed right in there. Wood chip. If it could if it could microchip. If it

could decorative seashell. First of all, what a sassy seashell. I know man. Is that like a seashell that you just throw around on the floor? No, that's a seashell with an outing. Okay, so I'm going outing. Oh, okay.

I'm going out tonight. Put a coat on. Tooth of comb. Zip tie. One tooth. One tooth of comb. Zip tie. Zip tie. Slime. No. Plastic spider. Slime. That's a good prank. The only reason you get... A lot of these I can understand

they're like trying to get something out of the ear. A plastic spider is a dare. That is... That's just for fun. Or the slime is when you're on the show dare. Double dare. Lastly for ear, Christmas ornament.

I don't know. Let's hope it's the angel. Do not like. Okay, ready? Moving on to... Nose. I'm no idea. Let's hope it's the angel. Do not like. Okay, ready? Yep. Moving on to Nose. Okay. I'm going to have to move on. Do you have to roll?

Another show. All right. Chris Redd has to go do another show tonight. Transition, guys. I don't. Hey, that's what festivals are, baby. We have another show, too. We got another show back there.

Yeah, we got another show. I'm going to go back there and put a lot of shit in my ear. How about one more time for Chris Redd, everybody? Thank you so much. Chris Redd, Chris Redd, Chris Redd. Y'all are so fucking fun. I'm going to leave on a cliffhanger. Take the mic with you down the street.

We'll be there soon. To our other show. Ready? Nose. All right. We'll be there soon to our other show. All right. Ready? One over. Nose. Two rare earth magnets. What? Somebody was trying to heal something.

Rare earth. Are those... Made sense at the time. Those are just common earth magnets, right? Yes. No, they're very rare. Oh, okay. I don't know why they got this specific. Small heart sticker.

It's just a way to say I love doing this. Two button batteries. No. Bath bead. Stop. What? Randy already touched on this. Stop daring each other to do shit.

Bath beads. You ever notice some people go through their whole life not knowing someone can dare you to do something and you can just say, fuck off? Yeah. No, I don't have to do it. No, fuck off. I don't have to do it.

Chalk. Yeah. Yep, that's a kid who's not paying attention in school. Yeah. There's a quote. Bug tried to remove with bobby pin. Bobby pin now stuck. That was something in process.

Yeah. Candy wrapper. Googly eye. Moth moth ball. Sunflower seed. And finally, for nose Christmas ornament. Oh, my God. People spend time with your family. Talk to your grandmother. or nose Christmas ornament. Oh my God people family talk

to your grandmother. I know I'm a Jew with a Christmas tree, but I think I'm doing it wrong. Well, wait till we get to a dreidel in the ass. Okay, I'll take a dreidel in the ass always time. All right, some going on. We are now at the throat. Okay,

you guys are groaning. We're not at the throat. Okay. You guys are groaning. We're not even to genitals. Yeah. We have three holes to go. It's the build-up. This is hard for you. The build-up is why they did it in the first place.

Here we are. Ready? Fidget spinner. Oh, God. That's what those things are for. Ready for the second one? Condom. Sure. I know. She's getting pregnant now. Who among us?

Did you say who among us? Quote. We got another quote. Quote. Seven nuts from the Christmas tree mom and dad were taking down. Watch your kids. Yes.

Yes. In this day and age, some people say there's too much helicopter parenting. Right. Not enough in that house. That person needs to be literally helicoptered at all times. Laser pointer.

This is impressive. Somebody shoved that laser pointer down the door because they were pointing it. Come on, we'll see if we can see it through your belly. Greenly. Greenly from that story. Thank you. Tape dispenser. That's impressive. Yes. You gotta try.

You gotta want that. This is what I love too. The specificity of this. Decorative rock. Not regular rock. Not just gravel. dry. You got to want that. This is what I love to the specificity of this decorative rock, not regular, not just a gravel. That's how they knew it was missing. Where's my decorative rock? That's where the googly eyes that went up the nose came. Yeah, it has

an inspirational slogan painted on it. Help me figure out what this next thing, by the way, if someone asks, where's my decadent rock? your answer is you don't deserve it. Keep tabs on that shit or it's going

down someone's throat. I threw that and all 18 of your dream catchers away. Hey! This next thing is three words that I have never seen together and I don't even know how you could procure this to get it stuck in your mouth.

Piece of bed. Usually they come in one form. Okay, okay. I have a theory. I have a theory. Okay, okay. It's a bedpost. It's like the newel of the bedpost. But you're going frame. You fell on it, like, you know, much like the

incident. And it just swallowed it. It jammed, and then they had to saw it off in order to get you to the piece of bed. I know. All right, we got a TikTok on this next one. Tropical breeze detergent pod. Oh, yeah. Here we go.

This one's a quote. Here, all the way to the end because it's worth it. Swallowed three button batteries last p.m. and thumbtack this a.m. because quote they taste good. No. Oh, wow.

I'd be like, what do they taste like? I'd be like, what are you calling me for then? Yeah. You want them in that. That's like but truthfully, I don't drink hard alcohol, but if someone's like, come on, you'll like whiskey. Yeah. This person has done that about thumbtacks to lots of people. Seriously, dude.

If you just ate one thumbtack. It's an acquired taste. You will love it. Just have one. You got to do it with the button batteries. Yeah. Do them separately. It's a night in the morning thing.

Fuse. I love this one's cute and horrific capsule that expands into foam dinosaur. Oh, yeah. I love that. That was a sibling prank.

If you're a 911 operator, when they say that, you better just go. Oh, that's actually how the dinosaurs became extinct. Next one plastic sword. Oh God, I know. Yes, that's how I said sword. It can that be

sword swallowing sword. Okay, quote, switch. You call him Nick swords in. Yes, I did. Just quote swallowed stamp ink pad that he received as prize at the dentist's office. Can I tell you the shit that is on the dentist's prize wall is the most ridiculous stuff. I was like, this stuff is good. Just having it close to my kids is giving them cavities. Yes.

Ready? This is all one thing. I think. Are we still on mouth? Yeah, we're still on mouth. I think this is one thing. Cleaning solution, razor blade covered in toilet paper, broken plastic soap dish.

There's no way that's real. Come on, man. This is a murder. Yeah. I was going to say that's brunch for the thumbtack guys. Let's just hope let's hope it's three different people. Could they group this together for some reason? Cleaning solution. That's horrible. That's bad parenting as well. I think the cleaning solution didn't work. So then they wrap the razor blade and

exactly this is several different murder attempts. It's attempts. Razor blade covered in toilet paper is when you know you're going to jail. And you're like, I gotta be ready. Gotta have it in there. Broken plastic soap dish. No.

Okay, ready? Next one. Stuffed bird. Taxidermy. It's not just for your wall anymore. Ready? About ten, that's in quotes, about ten puzzle pieces.

All sky. I just kept going. That's horrible for the person who did it and the family who's trying to do the puzzle. Where's this fucking sky? Fucking A, Trevor. You ruined it. Pay attention to me.

It's a white lake. It's a cloudy day. What the fuck? Quote. Had necklace in mouth trying to untangle it and accidentally swallowed it. That you feel for. Ready? Glass Christmas tree light.

Why? Here's another one I don't understand. You'd have to try to eat this. The next thing is ice cream cup lid. It still had ice cream on it. What do you want? Right. There's a little bit.

Sometimes you got to get that last little bit in there. Drill bit. Hearing aid. What? Sorry, Graham. What? Sorry, Graham. What?

Key. Here's what, this is in quotes. Swallowed a thumbtack that she thought was a mint. I told you you'd like it. I had to hide it in this thing for you. You wouldn't do it, so I stuck it in a thing of Altoids, and boom, boom, you like it, right? Finally, for mouth, Christmas ornament.

Oh, I know! Look, I really did put our Christmas tree away for our whole family to have one in our house. And I will say, there was a moment where there were a couple of ornaments left over and I was like, what do I do with these? Only one option. Now I know.

You kids want to eat these? Okay. I'm sorry, three options. Three options. Apparently, so far. We're moving down south. Our next orifice is penis. Oh, God.

All right. Whoa. Let's be mature. It did a lot of work to find an image there that would work for this show. If you just Google penis hurts or stuck in penis and do an image search, you don't come back from that, guys.

You're targeted ads. It's like year three of the apocalypse. No one knows you anymore. Yeah. How much did Dan in the preparation Yes. Your targeted ads. It's like year three of the apocalypse. No one knows you anymore. How much did Dan in the preparation from this show have to just clear his history? Just clear it. Or find out I'm into weird shit. Ted was like, you're going to get a lot of targeted ads.

That's what he said. I hope I just get a lot of target ads. Okay. Four Christmas ornaments. Exactly. Here we ornaments. Exactly. Here we go. This is what people got stuck in their penises. Jesus. Crayons.

Oh, God. That I can kind of see. We can stipulate that every one of these is on purpose, right? Yeah. We also should remind that you can't do that by mistake. You don't fall on a penis crayon. It depends where you are in your level of excitement. I also need to remind you, each of these is its own incident. So it's not saying a whole bunch of people got crayons.

One person got multiple crayons stuck in their penis. Look, most artists are dicks. That makes sense to me. You think it was like barrel shot or in a row like a train? Guy's trying to be his own sharpener. You can take that. That's free. You can take that home. Enjoy that. Next up, marker cap.

Don't get too bored. That's right. Next up, chopstick. No. Yeah, there's always one in the kitchen. At least we're closer to the right diameter. That's right. That's true.

Ballpoint pen. There you go. It's got a point. Greenlee. That was Amy Mann. That wasn't Greenlee. That was Amy Mann. That wasn't green. That was Amy man. Perfect perfection. Piece of toy pliers. Oh God, I know your kids going to be sad. Well, the problem is the only thing I would have used to get it out was a

Yeah, it was a toy. Lollipop stick. I know. Ready? Coaxial cable. He should have been using an HDMI. I don't want to be a dick, but... It's all HDMI. I don't know the romance or divorce

that went into this next thing. Because it's either how much you love someone or how much you hate them. But the next thing on this list stuck in a person's penis is wedding ring. There we go. I love you, honey. It's forever. She told me when I proposed to do it in a way that surprises her. I said, honey, bend down. You didn't want to get cock rings, so I had to do it in a way that surprises her. I said, honey, bend down.

You didn't want to get cock rings, so I had to do this. Why'd she have to go with a marquee cut? All right. They're at a party later. It's for you healers out there. By the way, doing that is better than sticking 14 carrots up there.

I will say that. It's true. If he was not circumcised, that would be the plot of Uncut Gems. Okay. There we go. Magnets, people. Screwdriver.

Oh, God. Phillips head or... Or handle first. Here we go. This one is a thing and then the quote attached to it. Bobbypin, quote, unable to achieve erection and thought it would help. Nope.

Never mind. Any time... But there's some hard science behind that. Yeah, I'm just thinking... Did you say hard science? Amy, come on now. Alright, give me the hat. My question is why a Bobby pin, like, did they think they were building a cake that needed All right, give me the hat. My question is why a bobby pin?

Like, did they think they were building a cake that needed some sort of... That'll firm it up so that it... Okay. Ready for the next category? It's a stay. Next category is vagina. It's a gooseneck. This is...

The visual. Is that the new goop? Is that the new goop? Is that the new goop? Those are the googly eyes. That's the goop. Did you say that's where the googly eyes went? Yeah. They're there.

They're there. Look at it. It's a sad little vagina. You go Google stuck in vagina and see. Here we go. Vagina. Toothbrush. I'm never going to be the same after this night.

No, you won't. Toothbrush. Toothbrush. Got stuck. Where did I? Quote, a metal and plastic container. Tape. Tape.

So simple, so wrong. I'm sick of this thing. I'm taping it. It's been a world of problems. Nobody can have it. Closed for business. Double stick from the inside. And then that's the end. We're calling it a day. I'm taping it up and selling it on Poshmark.

The tape will get out the tampon. Okay. Quote, was being arrested by the police, so she took her cell phone and hid it from them Stuck in her vagina now Jesus Christ And it was a Nokia Pebble Worse

Alright perfume bottle Makeup sponge I love how specific they are This next one Large piece of underwear A large piece Was it as big as a bed piece Large piece of underwear. Oh. A large piece. Large piece. Was it as big as a bed piece?

This is the time of the show where I should point out that my in-laws are here. I just want to say that. Lovely. Glad I played it safe with these images. Toy action figure. All right. There you go. He gave it some action. You gave it some action.

She gave it some action. Rubber ball. And finally... Go get it. Go get it. Who's a good boy? Stop. Stop. So I...

You're going too far. In my back... Like, our next-door neighbor has a son, and in my backyard is just all these balls that have gone over the fence, and, like, there's a moment when I want to dump it all back, but I just imagine how funny would it be if it was the neighbor's son's ball. What?

That got stuck. Oh, in this? He's got a hell of an arm. All right. Well, just don't sit facing that way by the fence. Remember when I told you that thermometer in your fell on bed was the worst one?

Yep. This is runner up. It's close. Please don't tell me a lie possum. I don't even know how this is possible, but if it was, it's horrific. I think it's a lie. Either way, just imagine it.

No, this is verbatim. Jumped off couch, landed on spoon. Nope. Nope, didn't happen. You were naked when you jumped off the couch. Yes. And your aim is amazing. I feel like this is the best fairy tale ever.

And the vagina ran away with the spoon. Here we go. All right. Finally. Before we get to stuff stuck up the butt, and then these guys are going to play a couple songs, we should mention that we've got some merch out here. We'll be right outside, and we'll sell that after the show.

Yeah, we have posters from this show that we did. They were made by Jeffrey Tice, who's an amazing artist and comedian. So you can buy them. We will sign them for you. We have shirts and stuff like that. Say hi. Thank you guys for coming out to this. You guys are amazing. Here we go. Amazing. All right. Daniel.

So we have to follow Butt Stuff. That's what I mean. No, Butt Stuff has to come before you guys. Here we go. Quote. Patient states he slipped in the shower and landed on a metal air freshener can

and it went into rectum. No, the last part's the only thing that's true. By the way, that to me, I slipped in the shower and ended up in my living room. I can't get out of bed. My roommates are gone.

Ready for the next one? You better hope it's the way it's described. Folding knife. Oh, God. Should be an ED. I'd feel better if it was folded. Folded knife. That is the definition of a butterfly knife.

Plastic toy. Quote, about six inches long. Toothpick, let it go. I'm sorry it's gone now. Let it make its own way. Ready, toothpick, toothbrush, toothbrush holder. Those are three different people. I think they're going for the wrong spot there. Plunger handle. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. Call back to one we had earlier.

I was locked in the bathroom. New York City cop. Use what you can. Mattress foam. Why? What? How? Ready?

That's when you wish it wasn't memory foam. It is now. I had a memory foam joke going in my head, but yours was better. Okay, good. Two razor blades. My question is, if you have amnesia, can you sleep on memory foam? At Sklar Brothers.

It's the hat. In case anybody missed it, I will repeat. Two razor blades. What if the hat turns me into a Mitch Hedberg comedian? I'd be great. That'd be the greatest thing ever. Ready? Next one. Two small

vibrators. That's somebody yelling at the dispatcher. They're small. Doesn't matter. Are they stuck? They're tiny. I need a lot. Turkey baster. There you go. Is it ready? No, not ready. You gotta juice it up a little bit more and get it around there. Cond you go. Is it ready? No, all right. You got to juice it up a little bit more and get it around there. Condom wrapper. You are too excited. Slow down. It's gonna happen.

It's gonna happen. This is a thing is great and the quote is great. Coathanger quote patient unsure how it got there. The quote is great. Coathanger. Quote, patient unsure how it got there. To me, if you had an explanation. I did a lot of things today. How do I know?

I went to the bank. I went to the cleaners. Oh, it was at the cleaners. Oh, my God. The problem with this is that... Wait, you have one problem with this Is that Wait you have one problem with this? My one problem Is

Is that you hear it And you think How could that And then your mind start And then that's That's it And then it's all over Then it's on

Garden hose cap Not the hose Just the cap You know what Why leave the hose out? Cigarette lighter Cigarette lighter. Cigarette lighter. Toy hockey stick.

Oh, my God. Water gun. He shoots, he scores. Bag of heroin. It's the only logical choice in all this. It's the first one that's made sense. Doesn't know how that got in there. I did a lot of things today. I went to the bank. I's the first one that's made sense. I know. Doesn't know how that got in there. I did a lot of things today.

I went to the bank. I crossed the Mexican border. Oh, that's where it happened. I do love it. It's so simple. Coins. You hearing anything when I walk? I said I wanted you to change, not do this.

Egg timer. That's good. I know. Let's see when it's done. These are back to back. I'm going to read them both. Small shampoo bottle. Large shampoo bottle.

It is head and shoulders above the rest of all the choices. The first was a shot across the bow. The second one. Right. I got overeager. This one scares me. Light bulb. No. Someone had a good idea. I've heard that phenomenon.

When you get a good idea when there's a light bulb above your head, it's a bad idea when it's up your ass. This one's simple and horrific. Applesauce can. It's a bad idea when it's up your ass. This one's simple and horrific. Applesauce can. That's some stretching. Which, by the way, most applesauce comes in a jar.

If you're eating applesauce out of a can, you're going to stick it in your own can. Imagine that person checking out at the grocery store. In a can, huh? Don't worry about it. Who cares? Jars are too big. Too big for can. Don't worry about it. Who cares? Jars are too big too big for what don't worry about it. I don't even know we sold it in a can. Why do you keep worrying about this? We could get you in a jar. Well, a jar can't get me. You don't forget it.

It's not beeping. It's not beeping as I run it. I need the can. I can't. We got a price check on this can right here. He says he needs it for a... It will not scan. Here's one. They try... This is when you try to deny there's a problem and it doesn't get better. Quote, accidentally got a dildo lodged in rectum

and cut the end of the dildo off. All right. We'll just pretend the outside part's not here. Yeah, if we cut it off, it's not really in there anymore. I got to go to work. That's what I thought. When I read it, if we cut it off, it's not really in there anymore. I gotta go to work. That's what I thought. When I read it, I was like, I wonder if they're in such a hurry.

They're like, I gotta go. Cut it off. I'll put my pants on. We'll deal with this later. You should have gone with the can. Also, cut it off how? Cut it off how? Cut it off how?

Cut it off how? Cut it off how? A saw? That's a great Dumb People Town shirt. Cut it off how? Cut it off how? Cut it off how? That's a great Dumb People Town shirt. Cut it off how? With a machete. This is where you are not at fault and then you quickly become the entire problem.

Stuck a four-inch butt plug up rectum yesterday. Handle broke. That's not your fault. No. He continued to push the toy in. Stop. No, no, no. This could be like...

Look, he didn't say yellow, and that's our safe word. That handle broke, and I kept going. Kept going. Or it's like that movie Touching the Void, where the guy gets stuck in the crevasse. Yes. And he's like, if I just keep going, if I start digging down,

maybe I can come out on the other side. I was going to say it was like the last half of the movie, Ad Astra. If he keeps pushing it in there. No one knows. No one watched that. If he keeps pushing it in there. You're going to ruin it? I don't want you to ruin it. I'll be on a plane someday.

By the way, great space movie to watch on the back of someone's seat on a two inch screen. By the way, that movie opened on a Delta Airlines. Yeah, they didn't do that in theaters. Open on 32 planes. Quote,

was using prostate massager and it got, quote, sucked in. Oh. Just like everyone else in your life. Yeah. And finally, we will close out the last thing that we got stuck in our butts in 2019.

And the final part of our portion of this show before we go to some fantastic music. The person things got stuck in their butt was a Christmas ornament. Those are our stories. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. All right. Would you guys like to hear Ted Lee on Amy Mann play two more songs? They're going to play two.

We'll say goodnight after that. Thank you, guys. Enjoy the music. Thank you. Yeah, well, hang on. So is anybody familiar with a thing called Buckfast Fortified Tonic Wine? Oh!

This is dumb people town. For the most of you who aren't, it's like a treacly, molasses-y, fortified wine that they make and sell generally in the northern parts of the UK, Northern Ireland, Scotland. Made by monks, drunk by punks is what they say about it.

And if you ever do a UK edition of this, I would encourage you to just Google Crimes Buckfast. You got it. So that is, it's not about that, but that's kind of the narrative, that's the touchstone into the narrative of this song, so I thought it would be appropriate. piano plays Nine years down the road and I remember it still

Standing on a corner back in Govan Hill Nine days out from home Feeling no pain, that northern city sun Breaking through the rain, that wolfish sun Barely shining on me and you And a bottle of Bucky Me and you And a bottle of Bucky Me and you and a bottle of Bucky Nine years come and gone since I left you at home

And it's restless on my mind at me starting to roam The first time I stood on the banks of the Clyde I was so glad to have you standing back by my side So proud of what we were doing Only you and a bottle of bucky Me and you and a bottle of bucky Me and you and a bottle of bucky Me and you and a bottle of Pocky Me and you and a bottle of Pocky

Well I knew by the dew in your starry eyes Was the day we both had studied for all of our lives We're the bold missionaries, children's crusade No fear, pioneers, we were on our way. There never was nothing that could get in our way. Then the Nets with their knuckles and their Burberry scarves They said, how'd you Jersey boys ever make it this far? But you jumped in between and said, listen my son

Said you don't know nothing about where we're from And you don't know nothing about why it's now me and you And a bottle of Bucky Me and you And a bottle of Bucky Me and you and a bottle of bucky me and you and a bottle of bucky me and you and a bottle of bucky Three times I've been back in my wandering ways Last time it was July during marching days

When someone said to run from the bitter parade But I knew what you were doing, I decided to stay I knew no one ever got the better of me and you. Thank you. So about a month ago, Amy and I did a run of holiday Christmas shows down in Los Angeles, and Randy and Jason were very important guests, kind of practically an indispensable part of the show

at this point, I think. We wrote them a thank you Christmas card, and we forgot to give it to them back then. So... That's it. Oh! And I really mean this in the nicest possible, thank you Christmas card, and we forgot to give it to them back then. And I really mean this in the nicest possible way. I'm going to stick it up my ass right now, if that's okay. Absolutely.

Also at that show, our special musical guest was Lisa Loeb. And, you know, we're all of an age where the song Stay was ubiquitous at a certain point in our lives. And, you know, I stopped thinking about it. And then we played it with her for the show. And I had to think about it a lot again. And it's really, I have a new appreciation for the song because it doesn't really repeat itself. It just kind of starts and goes. Yeah, it has a really unusual structure. And Ted and I sang background vocals on it, and then after the shows we kept just singing our background vocal parts.

We're going to play Stay, but just our background vocal parts. Would you say the song stayed with you guys? Stop. All right, sorry. I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called

I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called I'm going to play a song called Don't Don't Only hear a negative

No, no, bad Turn the radio on Turn the radio up Lover's in love Lover is crying Dying since the day they were born But I'm thrown Thought I'd live forever

Now I'm anywhere with you Said that I was naive Hey, I can leave, I can leave Said that I was naive Hey I can leave, I can leave Said you call me cause you want me and one day you left me Girl you tried to give away a keeper A keeper cause you know you're just so scared to lose Stay I only hear what I want to

I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to

I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to

I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to

I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to

I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to

I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear what I want to I only hear We're the Squadroners. Daniel Van Kirk. We love you guys. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work. Enjoy it. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, come here down, it's Dumb People Town