Dumb People Town - DPT LIVE - Doughboys - Roadside Attraction

Episode Date: June 1, 2021

This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome the Doughboys, Mike Mitchell & Nick Wiger, and musical guest Chris Thile. To kick off the show, the guys take the fried chicken challenge. We get one of the best first stories maybe ever about an incredible family reunion at a wedding. In story two, a man destroys a toilet.

Skypains Avenue couldn't make this so listen to our podcast with co-host our man Dan don't be a jerk music we are gonna take you down stick around make a sound it's Dump People Town That goes on, guys.

Guys, I'm just telling you right now, I'm more relaxed than Michael Slater at the old house. You look like that. Ann thinks I look like the fanciest UPS man, but... You look like someone who knows everyone's zip code. I don't know what that means. Peter Whitacombe, 9048. Okay, just kidding.

I have no idea. You look like you have crystals, but you don't believe in them. I've got all the crystals. Crystals, but no meth. You have crystals, but no meth. I don't ever carry the meth, but we have got... I'm so excited about this show. There is going to be...

There are so many things happening on this show. First of all, thank you all for coming out to this. We just are tickled pink to have you guys here in this show. And these virtual shows have been such a special thing for us. It's carried us through this whole pandemic. I feel like we've gotten to know a lot of you guys through this whole process. And it's just great to see your faces. We see them on the, if you see the back shot, we can see you on both sides here. And it's just great to see your faces we see them on the if you see the back shot

we can see you on both sides here and it's just you make us so happy so thank you i'm going to bring out our musical guest he's someone that jay and i were huge fans of before we met we kind of traveled in the same largo in l.a circles there you go you can see us right out there can you see yourself oh yeah right cool shot i love. You look great. All of you. So we were a huge fan of this guy's music as part of the band Nickel Creek. And then Jay and I got a chance to do Live From Here

in Minneapolis. And we were flown out to do that in St. Paul. And we got to hang out with him for a whole day and really cemented our friendship with someone who is not only a super talented musician, but a really funny guy and a great guy and someone that we are so happy to call friend. I'm so excited for his version of the W-Town theme song.

So we're going to ask that everyone mute themselves right now so that his music comes in totally clear. And then as soon as he's done with our theme song, which is his second song, you can unmute and give him all the love that he deserves. So please welcome. Unless you're doing the dishes. Unless you're doing the dishes. Yeah, that's it. Or with a dog that's barking.

All right. All right. Are you guys ready? Shall we bring him in? Let's do it. Ladies and gentlemen, from Nickel Creek and on his own, Chris Thielen. Chris Thielen. Welcome to the show, buddy.

Hello. Hey, bud. Thank you so much for being here. In your childhood home. In your mom's's art room and not just my childhood home this is my this is my childhood bedroom although my mom has turned it into an art studio yeah oh my god oh here we go hold on we're gonna there he is all right great there you go so uh you're gonna play play. I'm so excited. I'll play a song of mine. You got the mandolin. You're going to play a song of yours,

and then you're going to play your version of the Dumb People Town theme song. Exactly what everyone's here for, myself included. All right, my brother. Take it away. So excited that you're here. Can't wait to hear you play. Thank you. Why? Like something beautiful Who's gonna show? Out from underneath your thumbs

Let freedom vib baby We can't listen to Everyone We want to hear ourselves sing My oh my What a wonderful Day We're having We're having, we're having.

Why oh why are we looking for a way outside here, outside here? Звучит музыка. I see the green grass below And I feel the warmth of the screen Is it beautiful? Is it beautiful? Is it so? Whatever keeps us singing My, oh my, what a wonderful day We're happy, we're happy Why, oh why, are we looking for a way outside here, outside here? How long, oh Lord, can you keep the whole world spinning under our thumbs

Spinning under our thumbs Spinning under our thumbs Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh a wonderful day we have having, we're having. Why, oh why, are we looking for a way outside, outside? i can't keep the whole world spinning under our thumbs speeding I'm sitting under our thorns. Ooh. Yeah. I just wish you cared. Amazing. I just wish you cared about your music. Yeah, just, you know, get to the music and really feel it in your soul.

Phoning a lot of stuff in. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. So good. Where'd you get them? Oh my gosh, it's so fun. It's like getting to see all the people like texting. Y'all are the best.

It's amazing, man. Y'all want to do extra nice to me? So good. So obviously this is why we fall in love with you because you find a way to take the mandolin and make it like I hear you play and I know it's you. If I'm hearing a song of yours on the radio, if I hear you on NPR, I just know it's you. It's like those are your fingers, that's your sound, and that's like the highest compliment I can give anyone.

And that's why we're so excited to hear you do your version of our theme song. So everybody mute yourself, and then you can bring it back up, the sound after that. But Chris Thiele is going to do the dumb. Give it the dumb people town treatment. Take it away, brother. All right, y'all. brother. I worked hard on this. I worked hard on it.

Here comes the mail. It never fails. It makes me want to wag my tail. When it comes, I want to wail. Sorry. That's the Blue's Clues mail song. Okay.

Was that an influence, though? Yeah, no, I don't know. Who knows? This is like dumb clues. It's like those first two Nickelback singles. They were like identical. Of course. Hey.

Okay, sorry, sorry. No, it's this one. It's this one. Sorry. Dan and Ren and Jay will share the tales of folks who are on the way and be lacking grace and sometimes shoes. The life they choose will make the news. Breaking down each epic fail.

In Florida, there's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam. We co-host our man, Dan. That was a really good chord right there. Right? I was so surprised. This one. Like, I'm going along. Right. Go half-stop and fan, fan Kirk. Don't be a jerk, because when the music quits, the funny hits, and we are going to take you down.

Jump around, hunker down, make a sound. It's Dumb People Town. Yay! Woo! Yes! So good. Woo! All right.

Okay, I got to say it. Such a good one. All right, let's I got to say it. Such a good one. All right. Let's do it, guys. Hey, townies. Welcome to a live episode of Dumb. Population U. Population U. Chris Thiele.

We're about to bring on our other guests, but we're going to do a little something first, dude. Thank you so much again. You put so much love into it. I mean it. That day we spent together and we spent with you, we made great friends with Greg Hess and Holly Laurent who have been on the show and

great friends and even met the Dirty Projectors and Dave Longstreth. So that was amazing as well. Thanks to you and just appreciate you being on here. So we're going to do something right now that we have talked about. And I know you can weigh in on this as much as you want.

We have decided to take, because of our guests on the show, the Doughboys, this is Dough People Town today. We're going to take the fried chicken sandwich challenge right here in front of you. Blind, the chicken sandwich wars. We've never done it. None of us have done it. I haven't eaten fast food. Let me just

say that when I went to get this stuff today, I went to three separate fast food places. Literally, it was so chaotic. Stuff was bouncing all over my car. Suddenly, I literally, in three trips to fast food places, became a hoarder. I was like, why are there 27

rabbits in my trunk? Thank you, Lisa Rubin, for helping to at least... We don't know... And there's a fourth. Here's the fourth. We don't know what is what. We're going to blind taste test here. We're going to try this out. I can guess which one.

This feels like Popeyes. Are you sure? You do not know. Chris, have you had any of these? You look too healthy. No, no. So I was just upset that you guys specifically told me that you didn't include Shake Shack, which is the New York fried chicken salad. I know, man.

I don't think the whole country has that. So this is just... Oh, okay. I see. I know. I've got you. I got you. The winner for this will do Wendy's, Shake Shack, Burger King and Hardee's. Are we starting with the big one? The one that's going to win.

Everyone thinks it's going to win. Here's the dipping sauce. This is a big one. Ready? Alright. Chicken sandwich wars. You definitely want it cold. It's... Alright, so This tastes like

when your stepdad is really nice to your mom, but he also carries around a golf club when he tells you to do things. You're like, are you into golf or are you threatening me? Why are you doing this? Yeah, this tastes like summer this is something that's chasing me with your grandma what hang on a second what is it

well you've never been to a family reunion do the egg toss wait you have games at your family reunion oh yeah 77 years straight they did a lovely one mini one last year we have egg toss water balloon toss hula hoop cont contest, bubblegum bowling contest. Doing your taxes. We can cut that. Do you have Thiele family reunions? Is there a Thiele family reunion? Well, it's happening right now.

It's, I mean, this is, people are in the other room eating fish tacos. Right at this moment. Here we go. They moved to, we moved from San Diego to Murray, Kentucky and they brought the fish tacos with them I love it

that first one was really good let's move to this one right here that was good bread, good pickle a lot of mayo it had a good crisp to it Dan, I was just going to say a Jewish family reunion, we just sit around and complain there are no games we're just like i can't believe we're all still alive okay that

first one i had so far is in first place damn you've only had one jesus christ i like this one more i like this one more i like this one more this is a heartier piece of chicken This is a better This is a buttery But the fried is not nearly as good But it is a meatier piece of chicken This tastes like when you're watching someone storm the capitol and then they

fall off and hurt themselves It tastes like your stepdad broke up with your mom but you still follow him on Facebook. Damn, this is better than that. This isn't the leader in the clubhouse. Is this the leader for you? Are you guys doing spicy or plain chicken? We went plain.

Come on, we're white Jews. We're Jews and we're white. We're not doing spicy anything. I would have gone spicy, but it might have given it away. All right. This one's pretty on the inside, but the might have given it away. All right. This one's pretty on the inside, but the fried on the out is not as good. It's a lower quality bread. So now we're going to try.

It's definitely lower quality bread, but I like it's a crunchier chicken. And I don't necessarily love that they call these wars. You know, I think they should have called it a battle or kerfuffle. I would handle that. Okay, so now we're going to do this one right here. I need to go for a cleanse. I need a full colonic after this. I mean it.

Dan wanted an amuse-bouche. Isn't this how the man versus food guy died? This is how he died. Okay, so right off the bat, I feel like you're going down in bread again, but it's got a good butter to it. And then also, it's a smaller patty. Yeah, it's a smaller patty. This is McDonald's, I bet. So Shake Shack is your favorite.

I think the fact that you called it a patty instead of like a breast or something means that it's probably McDonald's. Also, it looks very dry. I wouldn't even call this a chicken patty. I'd call it a chick's patty with an X. 100% McDonald's. I can't tell if I'm eating the chicken or the plate. That's a bad thing. That one's in third.

You're going one? First, second, third for me. One, two, three. In order in which I've eaten them. I'm not saying this is bad, but it's in fifth place. Okay, here we go. But also, I will say, I'm calling it as McDonald's.

If you had this on the road, I mean, I'd probably still go McChicken because I'm like white trash. But it's pretty good. All right, this one tastes like everyone got drunk at a 4th of July thing and started shooting off fireworks in their car.

This feels like the person who was making this quit in the middle. Like quit the job. Like it's gone. And they moved someone from fries over. He's like, I don't know how to finish this. I'm like, just put some bread on it. But this I still think is better than this one. Okay.

This one also had pickle. One and four had pickle. This one's way more butter. Butterier. Butterier. I'm curious. In the chat. Not a good quality bread.

Please tell us in the chat what your favorite out of these four would be. Because I want to hear that. They can't know, Rand. They haven't tasted it. Oh, would be because I want to hear that. They can't know, Rand. They haven't tasted it. I saved up so many Weight Watchers points for this. I mean, literally, I'm not going to be able to eat. But really, we've only essentially eaten one of these.

I was saying, we're saying to these people hanging out ahead of time, this is like, I didn't eat anything all day. This is like, it's like dumb people town Yom Kippur. It's dumb. I feel like in my stomach it's that Spider-Man meme where they're all looking at each other. Like right now

in my stomach there's all these similar chicken sandwiches going. It's like, you? Me? Okay. So if I had to do it, I would say this one right here is number one. You were going this. Oh yeah, I'm sorry. One, two, three, four, I would say this one right here is number one. You were going this. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry. One, two, three, four.

I would go one. Whoa. Whoa. Yeah, I would go one, two, three, four. Let's look at the four. It's definitely McDonald's. How do you know? How do you know? Guys, I know. There we go. I told you guys.

Wow. Nailed it. I'm going to go. I told you guys. McDonald's. Nailed it. I'm going to go. What else did we get? This one won't have writing on it because it's an actual plate. We couldn't write on the bottom of it. We also went to McDonald's, Popeye's, Chick-fil-A, and Kentucky Fried Chicken. I think this is probably Kentucky Fried Chicken.

No, this is not Kentucky Fried Chicken. Is there a mark on this? No. No. This is Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A, if I No. No. This is Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A, if I had to guess. That was Chick-fil-A. I could taste the homophobia.

Okay. By the way, that was very white meat. Just very. Hold on. For the record, you're paying attention. Randy went to pick crumbs off of this plate, and I thought to myself, he's going to eat it. Then he moves it and drops it. Then he goes crumbs off of this plate, and I thought to myself, he's going to eat it. Then he moves it and drops it.

Then he goes crumbs off the table and eats it. Thank you. Plate? No, no, no. I'm not crazy. I'm not eating off the plate. So this is crazy. Jay and I both think this was number one. Which is insane that two identical twins would pick the same one.

This is Chez Panisse. Is that weird? How did that get in here? Just kidding. KFC. KFC. KFC. KFC was ours.

And so Dan. That means Dan. Popeyes. I'm telling you guys. Dan is a Popeyes. Popeyes. There you go. So that is it.

There we go. There it is. We did it. We did the chicken challenge. Thank you. Thank you, Chris. Chicken challenge. Music.

Oh my God. Dan, how do you feel right now? I would eat entire sandwiches of all four of those. In one sitting? Right now. I would eat all of them. Again, none of them are like, get this shit out of here.

I could eat two of those right now. Fair. Hands coming in. Someone's eat two of those right now. Wow. Oh, my God. That was so good. Hands coming in. Someone's throwing hands on those dipping sauces. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town.

Randy, you want that crumb? Part of the reason why we did this today, or the reason why we did it on this show Jay are our main guests on the show do you guys want to see our main guests on this show they do an amazing podcast that sort of explores every corner of chain restaurants that exist out in this world

and I'm sure they have opinions on all of this I can't wait to hear them we did their podcast we love them. Would you please welcome the Doughboys to the podcast. Nick Weiger and Michael Mitchell. Come on in, boys. Join the fray. Turn your cameras on. Turn your sound on

if you guys are there. Let's spotlight them. Let's bring them up. If they're here, I don't know. There we go. Hi, Mike. Hi, Nick. How did we handle that? Did we do anything wrong there? I don't know. There we go. Hi, Mike. Hi, Nick. There we go. How did we handle that? I mean, did we do anything wrong there?

Like, please critique what we just did. And if you've eaten them, where do they fall in your pantheon? I'll say the thing that you did wrong is that you ate them at all. That, to me, is the issue. I was watching you eat those, and I was like, it was making me feel sick just because going through four of those sandwiches is terrible. You shouldn't do it. It was bad.

It was rough. It was bad. So I've been seeing a nutritionist lately. I hired a dietician. And when I explain what the podcast is, she turned to stone. Yeah. Like I was a Gorgon. She just she just said, you like, stop. Like, don't do it.

Like what? You have to stop doing this. Right. Your podcast is like what they tell you. If you've ever been in any TV or film scene where you eat, they always are like, don't take a bite in the shot because once that's established in the shot, you have to do that over and over again. You essentially, with your podcast, took a bite in the master of your lives. And now you just have to keep eating it in every shot.

And swallow it, too. You guys established that already. Can I ask you what your, I'm sure you get this asked all the time, what is your favorite chain restaurant of all? And why is it Cheesecake Factory? Stop. Cheesecake Factory is a great answer. As far as sit-down chains, it's hard to do better.

Cheesecake Factory is a closer. That's like a post-junior prom. We go all the way back to your episode with Beck Bennett. It got five forks. Yeah, 100%. You don't fuck with five forks when you did it again with, I think, Arden. Cheese Factory is just they know how to give small portions because they want you to be healthy when you walk out of there. I love a menu that's larger than like the five books of the Jewish Bible.

And they do it all good. When you do that five cheese pasta and you switch it to the penne and throw in some of the chicken. Stop it, dude. You are living life, guys. More brown bread all day. It's great. It's great. It's a great choice. Dan, I agree. That's a great choice.

I go with the combo, dude. I'll go with the steak Diane and the chicken Madeira. Dan, I ordered a water they gave me in Arnold Palmer. That's how unhealthy that is. What's the best chicken sandwich you've ever had at a restaurant have you had a fried chicken sandwich well this nick and i have kind of the same answer i'll just and i'll say this this blanket answer and then we'll get into the ones that are like good of the new chicken sandwiches but wendy's is a spicy chicken wendy from spicy chicken sandwich from wendy's we love

you love big fans of the spot it's's great. It's a great chicken sandwich. He loves it. He's on board at the pub pretzel, right? No, not just the classic one. Much. Yeah. By the way, Chris, nothing gets in like any performer or comedian said that watching a guy who's like actually good at what he does. Like we got to follow this guy. It's a lot.

Just keep playing. Why? He should have kept playing. I know. All of comedy, no matter how big we get, no matter how big anybody gets, all of comedy is saying something and then being like, right? But when you're a musician, you're like, I'm just going to fucking do this, and there's something wrong with you if you don't understand it.

It's magic. No, no, no. No one looks at Chris and is and is like dude you should do that you should totally do people look at us they're like i'm funny around my friend i could do this right there's probably people who threw away their mandolin when he got done like well we don't need i'll never be that there was there was a full there was like a full minute after you said like my family's in the other room and they're eating fish tacos. I'm like, I bet you he can go out and play the mandolin

for his aunt and his mom and they love it. And I can't do that for my mom. None of my family can see. They don't know what the fuck I do. I'm like, it's nasty. You guys suck. Mitchell, you walk into the living room and you're like, I need a one-word suggestion.

I need a one-word suggestion. I need a location. Like that. And your aunt is just like no it's not here chris what were you gonna say did did one of my family members just like did they like whisper to you guys that people were just shitting all over my special margarita recipe. Oh. Eat it a little, Bill. Yeah. How dare they?

How dare they? How dare they? Now I'm back on top, and I would happily make you that margarita. I thought you would never make anything for myself. Jay, do you hear what Jay just said? I would eat that margarita. That's not how you do a margarita. That's not how you handle a margarita.

I would eat that margarita. No, not how you do a margarita. That's not how you handle a margarita. I would eat that margarita. No, if we did this sandwich challenge... Since I'm a mandolin player, I don't know how to make a margarita. That's right. We know. If we did this sandwich challenge again, I would personally, if we could make it, I'd want to throw in Bojangles. That's on biscuits. I know, but

I'll customize it. I'll customize it. I've lived in Southern California my entire life, and so the Southern regional chains are the ones I have the least exposure to. I've never had Bojangles, never had Zaxby's. I did have Cookout on a recent tour. Cookout is tremendous. But so great.

But Mitch answered Wendy's for our favorite chicken sandwich, which I think is a great fast food answer. But I thought, Mitch, what you were going to say, and I think we're on the same page here, is Howlin' Ray's here in L.A. makes a dynamite chicken sandwich. Their spicy chicken sandwich, which is just, it's like a two-hour wait. It's an absurd queue if you go in person, but it's fucking tremendous. It's mind-blowing. What's it called? Howlin' Ray's.

Howlin' Ray's. And you can't get that anything but spicy. Like, if you ask for less than spicy, they punch you in the face, right? When I order from there, I get the mild. I go super non-spicy because it is very spicy. The spiciest level I did, I truly was like, I thought I was going to die for two days. I swear to God, I thought I was going to die. I was like, this is like, yeah, I'm i swear to god i thought i was i thought i was gonna die i was like this is like yeah i'm gonna have like a heart attack because i ate this i ate

the hot like the the the uh what's it called wager uh howlin is the hottest howlin is the hottest level of the thing yeah yeah i mean i there's a moment did you start saying goodbye to your friends like in that period hey man i've always loved you i'm like why am i getting this phone call from mike mitchell this is i think he just had a holland holland raise uh holland will make it will really make you feel like you're you you like i would like sweating for two days i'm not even lying it was way too much i go i go mild but i don't like to go super spicy by the way chris Chris, I love that you played Mr. Bojangles there. Yeah, you did play

a little Mr. Bojangles. Got it. You know why? Because no one wrote a song about Biscuitville. I was this close to like, I felt like each chicken sandwich probably needed like a little free improv. Oh, yeah. Just like a little description, just like a little free improv. Oh, yeah. Just like a little description.

Just like a little. Yeah. You know, that's so good. So good. Yeah. So good. Well, so we so I'm so happy.

By the way, that one was McDonald's. Oh, yeah. I love it. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Because we were like, where's the end of that song same with the sandwich the only problem is the Popeye's free improv is just

I know that's perfect and I would just chalk that up to something else Mike Mitchell can't do with his fingers or none of us for that matter I don't know why I singled him out. None of us can do that.

You're right. None of us can. Well, so we... I want to get into this show because we do believe that the world's getting dumber and we have stories sent to us by our fans. We're so happy you're here. We're so happy all of you guys are here in the crowd.

Before we get into the first story, Dan, we like to play a little game, Dan. We do. We play a game with our guests. It's called the Florida Man Game. Yes. Which Florida man are you? So the way this works is we take your birthday, just the month and the date, and then we find

out what Florida man did on your birthday. What's the craziest thing that happened on your birthday in Florida? Nick, the internet says that your birthday is August 28th. Is that correct? Nick Weigert, August 28th. I'm going to read you the headline. Yeah. On August 28th, Florida man once caught mowing lawn naked wants his teaching job back.

It is perfect. Wow. Sex education right there. I know. What did he teach? I'll give a little thing. Okay. I know. What did he teach? I'll give a little thing. Volusa United Educators President Elizabeth Albert is clear. When longtime teacher Brian Wheeler mowed the yard naked at his Port Orange home in 2017,

he made a very poor decision. A neighbor, this is my favorite part. Well, let's start with the fact that he lives in a condo complex. No one has to mow the lawn. Yeah, that's insane. The place will do it. Sir, let's start with the fact that he lives in a condo complex. No one has to mow the lawn. Yeah, that's insane. The place will do it. Sir, you cannot mow the median like that. All right.

Nobody asked you to. A neighbor. Here's my favorite part. This is how you know it's Florida, man. A neighbor who Wheeler believes has issues with him anyway. That is a big dispute about a tree. This is about something else. is so much it's about your garbage cans yeah she recorded wheeler and filed a police complaint wheeler was charged with

exposure of sexual organs and disorderly conduct how many times do you think across their property lines this woman just walked around saying roll the tape tape. Yeah. I would tell the times I'd want to be completely naked. Like, I feel like I would not want to be in anywhere near motorized blades. No. Like things like specks of things flying at your body. Yeah.

What are you doing? Right. It's terrifying. All right. I'd do it on a snowblower, though. Exactly. It's a challenge. Have you taken that challenge? That's a it on a snowblower, though. Exactly. It's a challenge. Have you taken that challenge? That's a challenge. The snowblower challenge?

Yeah. Okay. All right. Mike Mitchell? Yeah. The internet says your birthday is October 6th. Is that correct? Yeah.

Okay. Birthday soon. Spooky birthday near Halloween. It's great. Love it. Good birthday. Here we go. Florida man interrupts live TV hurricane report to yell dicks out for her on bay.

It's good. This woman is out here already in danger, just so people on the weather channel can see that they should have boarded up their windows. This guy rolls up straight from like a background actor from the movie Spring Breakers and just yells dicks out for her. I was going to say Sean White does not look good. His life is taking a 180. If you will, this is my favorite ad for blenders sunglasses.

This is this is D minus Snyder. Usually I have like a blurb about these. There's not needed. Here's what's crazy about this photo. You can see her expression. Even though she's turned away. Are you joking

that you just said dicks out for Harambe? That is. I mean, look, it's a good cause to be behind. Yes. Obviously, we're all behind that. All right, Chris. Obviously, all of our dicks are out for Harambe. Chris, the internet says that your birthday is February 20th.

Is that correct? That is right again, internet. Okay. Thank you. Here we go. Florida man goes on sledgehammer spree trying to destroy demons. This is it.

You got to get them out somehow. I found a great stock photo for it. When people say I have a lot of demons, you usually think it's inside of them. No. I have a lot of demons. I love the original video. I would have taken footage of this

and just put under there the Peter Gabriel song. Yeah, there you go. There's the new video. I got in one little fight with demons and my mom got scared. All right, here we go. The man tried to explain that he kept seeing demons and his only defense was to smash them

with a sledgehammer. There you go. This is an Eli Roth movie. Get them all. It is also important to note that the man had been drinking and had recently taken an unknown narcotic slash hallucinogenic drug, which caused the visions of demons dancing around him.

Dancing? Let them be. They're dancing? If they're dancing, you're at a Grateful Dead show. I don't understand why Coachella. Yeah. All right, guys. That's our Florida Man. There you go.

Florida Man birthday game. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Are you guys ready for story number one? You guys ready to jump into a story? Let's do this right here. We've got it. Now look, I've got to get serious for a second.

Uh-oh. Because the story that I'm about to read you guys is a winding fucking road. Okay. And I am calling dibs on probably working this story into my own stand-up. Okay, take it. It is wild.

I don't try to build things up very often unless they're greenly, which we have later, which we have later, but this was sent in by one of our patron saints of town Carleen McDermott at she be Carleen.

It's the toys are us of people who send in things. I'm going to read you guys the headline. Ready? This is all we need. I know I say that a lot, but it is all we need. Let's hear it. Groom's mother finds out that bride is her long lost daughter on wedding day. No.

Yes. daughter on wedding day. No. Yes. That's not zoom. That was frozen. All I'm saying is Chris Daly is in Kentucky and several ears just pricked

up. Right. We know her. Right. If anybody needs to do a Charlie Day, Carol and HR chart, I'm going to read it one more time.

Groom's mother finds out that bride is her long lost daughter on wedding day. Wow. Honestly, wait before he says we're doing this right. We're still doing this. Babe, we've doing this right. We're still doing this. Babe, we've come this far.

We've already. This is Ancestry.com at its best. Okay, you ready to get into it? Yep. On March 31st, 2021, a wedding in China was strangely turned into a family reunion. Oh, boy. strangely turned into a family reunion when the mother of the groom discovered that her soon to be daughter-in-law was actually her long lost biological daughter.

Oh my God. You just stumble on that. No, here's my thing. How she looks just like you're going to love her. Imagine the moment. Put yourself in the mom's uncomfortable shoes. Imagine the moment where you're sitting down. You're on the left side of the whatever the church and you're like,

is that is that hold on camp because you have to go through a time to where you're like, what was I doing? And then you say to yourself, if I say something and it's not right, that's like asking if someone's pregnant. Like you have to imagine the sweat that would be like is that imagine that feeling. We all want to marry

our moms, right? This is a form of that. I just want to drink wine with mine. All right. I guess I hope they were waiting for the night of. Yeah, exactly. I've heard of moms wanting to break up weddings, but this is the way to do it. I guess I hope they were waiting for the night of, I guess. Yeah, exactly. I've heard of moms wanting to break up weddings, but this is the way to do it. And when do you say it?

Okay. News reports stated that the incident began unfolding as soon as the groom's mother managed to catch sight of the bride's birthmark located on her hand. Wow. So you know at first she was like, I think, and then she sees the birthmark. And was like, this is my baby. But do you say something to the people next to you like, can I just run something by you before I make a scene? I want to workshop an idea here that both of those people

getting married to each other are my kids. Apparently, the birthmark appeared extremely familiar to the woman who had last seen it on her daughter many years ago before they were separated. How many years? How many years ago? What are you? Is this like a Jim Croce song? She never would.

Obviously enough to never forget this birthmark. Yeah. I mean, isn't that the thing that they'd be talking about each of them forever? Like the mom. Yes. Yes. Sister. sister and we got separated and then the wife i had a mother and we got separated like well what so tell me about it like i love that this fact hasn't come up for anybody like in this whole thing yeah well with the thought nagging at her the woman was moved to ask this is how she played it guys woman was moved to ask the bride's parents did you by any chance adopt your

daughter upon hearing the question the bride and her family were shocked because they had never revealed the fact to their daughter that she had been adopted guys episode of Maury revealed the fact to their daughter that she had been adopted. Guys, if I am at this wedding and I pray to God, it's one of those.

Everything happens in one place. If I am at this wedding, I am like open the bar right now. Also, could you imagine? I say this a lot about comics. Don't let crazy things happen around comics. We just talked to Kyle Kinane. He almost got arrested for not breaking into his sister's home. He knew. He was like, well, this is going to be on an album.

If I'm a guest at this wedding and everyone is horrified, I am like, the gift you fuckers have just given me. Thank you so much. I mean, they've given it to me anyway. Keep going. If I had just seen the Hulu show in and of much. I mean, they've given it to me anyway. I'll say this. If I had just seen the Hulu show in and of itself, I'd be like, this is part of it. Is this still part of that show? I gotta say that the moms, you gotta swallow

that forever. You just don't say. You don't say? I'm gonna let these siblings fuck. It's too late. It's too late. But here's the thing. This is the moment where fuck. It's too late. It's too late. Too late. But here's the thing. This is the moment where it's almost not too late. It's too late tomorrow.

Can I say this? It's too late. I have always had a big problem with the speak now or forever hold your peace moment of everything. Like, I love it. Who came to this wedding to literally like book the wedding got the hotel room got the nails done the hair so they could speak at that moment to be like i don't think i don't think so no one i don't like how she talks so there's that and then i also don't like the or forever hold your peace. It's like say it now or I'll shut up.

That's the thing. She would not have been able to forever hold her peace. It's her daughter. Yeah, it's her daughter and her daughter. Michael Mitchell thinks let these two let these two banister it out for the rest of their life. Or I think the groom like maybe like if you were the groom and

you had a long lost sister, isn't that something that you would maybe, I don't know. He didn't know about the sister? No. Did he not know? Okay. The bride and the family were shocked, having never revealed the fact that parents finally relented that they had found the bride by the roadside more than 20 years ago and had managed to adopt her as their child. In a wedding dress. Yeah, it's a kill Bill situation.

She's just the bride. Who they loved and cared for like their very own. So she was found at the side of the road. This is an actual cabbage patch kid. So now if I'm the daughter in this

relationship, I'm the every single time I talk to this woman I'm going to be like, hey, do you want to pass the ketchup over there or do you want to just leave it by the side of the road? But look, here's my thing. Irresponsible. No, Jason, you've gone too far. Think about it. You've gone too far down the wrong road is what I mean. For her to jump up and say something in first to me it was not her

decision that her baby was taken away okay like i think that she if she had done that she would have been like what bygones bygones but i think that she would have been if she jumps up she's like holy shit you know sometimes like young mothers and in china remember they had a real deal with this like so yeah they could have been yes so also could you guys imagine if she's like did you perchance adopt your daughter? And they were like, no. And now that woman's like losing her mind. This is insane.

But they fessed up. I guess they're like, well, this wedding's already fucked. So yeah, might as well. We adopted her. Here's what I'm going to pitch. J-Lo is the wedding planner. This is like, she's the one who put this whole thing together and it's called the Wedding

Family Reunion Planner. Medea's. Medea's Wedding Family Reunion Planner. Mamoru, gone. Tyler Perry plays the mom. Yes, and the lawyer. Wait, Nick, what were you going to say? I was going to say, how specific was this birthmark? It had to be very, right?

It was actually a birthmark of a picture of Gorbachev with the brown tie. That's to our brothers. Okay. So imagine if you're... Hand to God. Birthmarked hand to God. If you're the groom

and you love this woman, are you just like we're friends, I guess. I guess we're friends from here on out. A part of me is suspicious that he knew a little something. Like, a part of me is like, the day of the wedding, he's like, no, that can't be true.

I'm outraged. We can't, oh, that's so wrong. And we had sex? Oh, that grosses me out. Look, we should do it again. I'm going to kiss her right now and just show you. I'm going to read you another thing

and then we'll show a pic. I'm going to read you another thing. Following the confirmation by her adopted parents, the bride and her biological mother found themselves crying and embracing each other as they celebrated an extremely unexpected reunion. Okay, Dan, Dan, while they're doing that,

there's got to be an aunt or an uncle. Oh, my God, look at this. This is insane. If you're her adopted parents, are you like, do we still have to pay for this? How does this work out? Yes, you guys are paying for the wedding. We'll just get the check.

We'll just get the check. And then there's an aunt who's like, I want my blender back. I want that back. I don't want to get that back. You bought it for your niece and your nephew. Nope, I want it back. It's for a wedding, asshole. I like to think the bride and groom had like,

they put their hands together and the birthmarks connected. Yeah, dude. And then they both turn into falcons. Oh, my God. Guys, we are not done. Oh, my God. I said twist and turn. How old are they?

Do we guess how old they are eventually? I think mid-20s. Because I'm just trying to see if it lines up. This is just wild. Because if it is mid-20s, so 25. So this year is 2021. So we're talking like 96, I believe. And correct me if I'm wrong, Chris Thiele.

I believe that was the year of the incestual rat. The Chinese year of the incest rat. Just checking. I've been really quiet because this is the greatest bluegrass song ready to be released start writing it I don't know if anybody I'm just couplets

in your head if you can do the song of it and Dan can do the bit of it those will be independent if anybody wants to do the China version of the documentary The Wild and Wonderful Whites go for it right now here we go with the whole event now in a fountain of tears version of the documentary, The Wild and Wonderful Whites. Go for it. Right now. Here we go. With the whole event now in a fountain of tears, the bride

moved to confirm one last detail. Oh my God. This is the bride. She wants to confirm one more thing. Oh my God. What in the world could it be? Was her beloved and to-be husband actually her elder brother?

As it turned out, the groom was also adopted by the woman after she. Guys, guys, this is. This is their meet cute guys. Yeah, this is into this. And the groom broke down into tears. He was pissed. I mean, he was like,

I thought my porn search finally came to life. I have the name for this movie. She was left on the side of the road. I think you named this movie Adopt a Highway. No. No, I haven't. This is what I thought you were going to say. The name of this movie is either that or roadside attraction.

Dan, ask our brothers up a motor. Wow, we're not done. We're not done okay, thankfully not. As it turned out, the groom was also adopted by the woman after she lost all hope of ever finding her daughter again and I could also call it husband in law you could yes curb your romanticism

okay this meant that both the bride and the groom were gloom were completely unrelated and that the marriage could go on as planned. Now you're running out in the parking lot telling people, come back in. It's back. You remember that crazy ass bitch that stood up and said that was her daughter? It's all on Amazon and reordered the blender.

Reorder the blender. Reorder the blender. Can you guys also imagine if you're just – as entertainers, we've had this happen. If somebody just says, hey, it's not going to be a big deal. Would you mind officiating our wedding? It's super simple. We've done it. We've done it. Yes, 10 minutes.

And this is the one that you paid $40 to officiate? It would be the great. Now, this is what I secretly wish, that he was adopted because he's the biological kid of the other girl's parents. Oh, my God. Wow. That was cool. He's clapping. He's clapping.

It's a vice versa. Do you guys understand now why I claim dibs on this? Can you imagine telling an audience this story with jokes okay here we go here is dan guests at the wedding were no doubt shocked to find themselves witnessing such a peculiar occurrence it's amazing but all the same still sent their best wishes to the happy couple and their fate can you imagine how drunk everyone got this night? The only place you could go for this wedding for the honeymoon is Branson, Missouri. Imagine the next morning when you

are like at with your friends who were not at the wedding. It's bottomless mimosas and they're like, what was the wedding like yesterday? It was like a Mori episode that everyone liked exactly and dancing, so it's still like a Mori episode dancing. Okay, while the wedding still managed to proceed and things ended on a happy note, it must still be noted that on that day,

a woman curiously had the rare privilege of both her children and her children-in-law be the exact same people without the marriage being, how do you say this word, consanguineous? I don't know. I've never seen that word before in my life, and I don't know how to say it. And I'm ashamed to admit, I looked it up a couple days ago to remember how to say it. And you don't know. And I don't know how to say it and I'm ashamed to admit I looked it up a couple days ago to remember how to

say it and you don't and I don't know good. Hopefully the couple manages to have a lasting marriage without stumbling across any more hidden family. Wow, that is this fan. I mean, this is modern. This is the new modern family.

Could you but imagine the roller coaster for the mom you're like i'm about to ruin this wedding but it's my daughter who i was taken away from me 20 years ago and then so selfish and god i hope these people admit that they adopted her and then they do and you're like okay that i'm glad but now this still sucks for them and then and then and then everybody freaks out. Because the mom, remember, guys, she knew everything the whole time. She knows he's adopted, too.

That's right. But the other family doesn't necessarily know that. So she gets to be the hero there, and I feel like everyone should walk the bride down the aisle. Everybody gets to walk the bride down the aisle. Everyone gives her away. Everyone gives her away. You want to live long enough to marry your son to your daughter.

That's all you want to do as a parent. You want to live long enough to marry your adopted son to your real daughter who you left by the side of the road. Can you imagine if they do get divorced? You have to have shared custody of your mom. No, this marriage has to work.

What was the word at the end? Consanguineous? Consanguineous. That's how I would say it. I think the story was just so batshit that the journalist invented a new word. Yeah. Oh, Nick, you just made me feel better about myself

and my Rochelle Township High School education. That's story number one. Story number one, you guys. Holy crapola. Oh my God. Everybody mute yourselves so we can listen to the beautiful Chris Thiele.

He's going to do another song and then we'll come back and say the magic words that everyone loves to hear. We've got a green leak. Chris Thiele, take it away, my man. Wow. I don't know. I literally have no idea how to follow that.

There was the Leuven Brothers. Do you know about the Leuven Brothers? Yes, old country western. Yeah, put it on the cash on the barrelhead. Cash on the barrelhead. Dude, wow. Thank you. It's the hat.

It's the hat. I don't know it. Randy doesn't know the song. I'm getting all Leuven Brothers suggestions from the hat. I don't know it. Randy doesn't know the song. I'm getting all Lufin Brothers suggestions from the hat. The hat told him. Yeah. It also tells you

which house of blues you're sorted into. Also, look at your, look at your, your fans are pulling it out. Like someone just called out one of the great album covers of all time

from the Lufin Brothers, Satan is Real, where Ira Lufin makes a cardboard cutout of his, his like imagining of Satan, which I hope everybody Googles.

It's real good. I want to. I was going to play a thing from this new record that I probably should be promoting, which is called Lay Songs. It is kind of like a weird, messed up drinking song.

Or I could play one of these Louver Brothers songs that's like maybe the weirdest song about siblings that I've ever heard. Now, it sounds like it's going to be funny because a lot of Llewelyn Brothers songs are kind of weirdly funny. This is not a funny song,

but it actually, it is the weirdest song. Anywhere you want to go. So that's your choice. You guys choose between kind of a- I want you to play the Llewelyn. You can find seven, eight time about Dionysus or a Llewelyn Brothers song

like a weird sibling sitch. Let's do a weird sibling sitch. And everybody who is listening to this and everyone who will listen to this episode, we'll go get your album, which is called the new album. Lay songs. It's called lay songs.

There are, there are two songs out so far. And then the rest of it, I think comes out June 4th. All right. Everybody's going to get it. I feel like we've got to follow it up because this, this is a song by siblings about siblings.

Here we go. And a marital sweet. I love it. Let's hear it. All right. I've never actually tried to perform this before. I just know the song. I've heard the song.

So we've got to pick a key. C. I think C. No, D is going to be better. It's got to be high and lonesome, you know? Last night, my dear, the rain was falling I went to bed, so sad and blue Then I had the dream of you I dreamed I was strolling in the evening

Underneath that harvest moon I was thinking about you And we met out in the moonlight The stars were shining in your eyes But another was there too I don't believe you've met my baby You looked at her You looked at me I wondered who you were talking to

I'm sorry, y'all. I just realized this is the lyrics that Alison Krauss sang. She changed the pronouns. I'm going to do that one right quick one more time. I don't believe you've met my baby You looked at him You looked at me I wanted who you were talking to You looked at him, you looked at me.

I wanted who you were talking to. I shook the hand of your stranger, but I was still wandering through Your arm was resting on his shoulder You smiled at him. He smiled at you. His eyes were filled with victory. He said, my sister wants to marry. And then my heart was filled with glee I knew that you would marry me Oh my god, dude.

You are so unbelievably talented, man So good You got the acting, people Lay songs Lay songs Everybody, please, please, please go check that out Welcome back

Our guest, Chris Thiele on The Mandolin He's got a new album out Nick Weiger Mike Mitchell You guys from the fantastic Doughboys podcast Which is amazing. If you're not on that podcast, get up on it. Listen to it.

These guys break down chain restaurants. It's more than just that, but it's like that style of food in a way that is so hilarious. It is so much fun. When your guests are on the show, they're amazing. We've done it. If you start with our episode or start wherever wherever you guys want you can start anywhere on this show it's so freaking good uh what else is going on guys what else can people uh check out of yours and you gotta i know you got some movie stuff in

coming up uh mike what's happening i'm in a movie on july and again just right after chris's performance to give a breakdown of what we do just does it does not make us look good you you a site read that essentially, right? You'd never played that song before? Right. I pulled up the, oh, you can't see it. Yeah, I pulled up the lyrics on the old Google. Jesus Christ.

I know. Well, it's a country song. You know, it's what we do. More than once today on this episode, I've struggled to say a sentence. And you just fucking Crushed that That was incredible Unreal

But July 6th You've got a movie coming out July 2nd The Tomorrow War on Amazon Prime I'm excited about it It's still great Yeah I'm excited It's. Yeah, I'm excited. It's a big sci-fi action

movie and they let me hold a gun. Oh my God. That's dangerous. There was a picture of it posted today and everyone thought that I was storming the Capitol. That was the comment I got the most. You just have to tell people you're not on Facebook and they'll be like oh that's a movie

i just hope this is all building up to like you and tig being in an action movie together actually i think i may be replaced by tig before you might be one of us will be too but she crushes she. I'm so excited for her in that. That's amazing, man. That's so cool. Yeah, excited about it. Well, good luck with all of that. And then Nick, you're in reshoots for Fletch right now. That's right.

Yeah. They want to Fletch with less charisma. It's an interesting choice. Shorter, less charisma. Right. Can do less character work. But also less drinking, too. Yeah.

So, yeah. Yeah, Mitch is underselling it. He's in this big budget sci-fi movie with Chris Pratt stars in it. Wow. It's fucking awesome. It's a fucking amazing thing. Mary Lynn Rice Cub is in it. Oh, hell yeah. Sam Richardson. Yeah. A bunch of people are in it. It's fucking awesome. It's a fucking amazing thing. Marilyn Rice Cub is in it. Oh, hell yeah. Sam Richardson.

Yeah. That sounds so great. Funny. This is my joke. Funny people and you, Mike Mitchell. It's going to be fun. It's true. What is it called? It's called The Tomorrow War. The Tomorrow War.

Amazon Prime. Yeah. July 2nd. I love it. The Tomorrow War. Amazon Prime, yeah, July 2nd. I love it. We've got Amazon Prime. We love Amazon Prime. Beautiful. I love it. All right, so we'll check that out. All right, so are we ready?

We should tell everybody. We should let people know. We should let people know a great poster was made for this show by the great Jeff Tice, our friend, comedian, and fantastic artist. I don't know if we can pull that up. Our great friend, Lissa, is going to pull that up right now so you can see it. It is The Last Supper with the Doughboys and Chris Dealey on one side, Dumb People Town on the other, and, of course, in the center is Jesus Christ,

Will Greenlee. Proceeds to that are going to go from something you guys just raised a ton of money for. Yeah, you guys were super super super cool to volunteer this that uh all the sales for this are going to the restaurant workers community foundation which raises and distributes funds to empower uh restaurant workers who as we know from the past year have had you know we've just learned how essential they are and how fucking shitty their jobs are yeah and we always try to on our podcast because we couldn't do it without them we We always try to, you know, acknowledge

in the hard work of everyone in the service industry and the food service industry in particular. So, yeah, this is going to the Restaurant Workers Community Foundation. It's amazing. Thank you guys so much. How much did you guys just raise for that? You guys just had a telethon type of a deal. And how much did you raise? We did it on Twitch and we

raised. It was staggering. I mean, the support from people was incredible. Our fans were so generous. But yeah, we raised over $187,000. That's why tonight, Sklars and I are going to match it. We're going to match it tonight.

Wow. Yeah, it's an honor. It's great that you guys just found out my wife is my sister. Hold on a second. No, but so if you do want to get them, we'll make those available. I think, Alyssa, will you throw it in the chat? It links up in the chat. If you want to, we'll sign them and send them out to you guys.

And just thank you for everybody who supports it. We know some people along the way have been collecting each one. They're really cool posters, and we only make a limited amount. So jump on that. So to you guys. Just thank you for everybody who supports it. We know some people along the way have been collecting each one. They're really cool posters and we only make a limited amount. Jump on that. There you go. This is why we do this. This is why we do this. This is so much fun.

We will have to explain to you guys a little bit. Friends, guests, countrymen. We've got a green link. We've got a green link. I kind of explained a little to Chris, but I'll explain it to Nick and Mike. So here's the deal. So Will

Greenlee is a journalist in quotes for the TC Palm. We can't decide whether he thinks the people he's writing for are so dumb that he has to explain things like how to wear pants or what an anchor is. What pockets are.

Or he has every once wrote two verses of the thong song in one of his articles. Two full verses of the thong song. Which leads us to believe that maybe every article he writes is 700 words and he needs 1,200. We don't know. So the game we like

to play, and Dan is so good at it, there is no way. Jay and I have done this so much and we do not know. so the game we like to play and dan is so good at it there is no way jay and i have done this so much and we do not know so the game is dan will read the article and then he will read an over explanation of something and we all have to guess if that is greenlee over explaining and that's what you will see if it's greenlee will greenlee or is it dan is it dan there we go dan oh he's such a good boy dan is such a good boy he's such a good boy. Dan is such a good boy. He's such a good boy. You guys laugh, but I was the number one model for farm and fleet catalogs

for two years. Dan, wait, let me see that birthmark on your hand. All birthmarks on the table, guys. Let's go. I will tell you that Randy and I, no one has played this game more than Randy and I, and I can honestly tell you that we have, Randy and I, no one has played this game more than Randy and I.

And I can honestly tell you that in the most recent time I played, I have said out loud, I've never not known more. Dan is so good at this. It's so hard. Don't beat yourself up. Just do your best. And we'll guess it. And we'll get it. Here we go.

You guys ready? Yep. This was sent in by Max Bettman at Max Bettman. B-E-T-M-A-N. Thank you. He used Twitter, which is the only way to send me stories. You do hashtag dumb people town at Daniel Van Kirk. Love it.

Okay, you ready? Yes. Headline is this. Man destroys toilet in bathroom brouhaha, which I think was one we read the sentence from in a previous Greenleaf for one of the more. When you say destroys toilet, Dan, does that mean it just takes a horrible dump

or actually destroys? He could be coiling snakes. Who knows? Here we go. Oh, man. If this story takes place in Quincy, Massachusetts, I'm going to start sweating right now. Wait a minute. Martin County.

A man accused of destroying a toilet at the Coconut aka The Nut Bar was given a notice to appear in court in connection with the alleged commode carnage records show. I can't believe someone's calling him out on that.

Who is the person that is accusing him of said destruction? And to be able to say that you were busted at the nut. That's probably a shirt they sell, don't you think? I got busted at the nut. Of course. The case of the purported potty pulverizer began around 149 a.m january 19th as martin county sheriff's deputies went to the coconut in the 4700 block of southeast dixie highway now in honor of the doughboys being here and them giving reviews of places that they've been to. I have chosen three Yelp reviews of The Nut

that I would like to share with you guys. Let's hear it. I love it. Let's hear it. I sourced these from the source. These are from The Nut source. This is from Lou S. from Stewart, Florida. Okay.

He wrote a review on 7-10-2018 that reads as follows. This is Yelp reviews of The Nut. Okay, he wrote a review on seven ten twenty eighteen that reads as follows. This is Yelp reviews of the nut. Okay, cool little smoky dive bar with nice people. Monday five dollar pool tournament with good players. Lots of fun with two pool tables really like the friendly local vibe. So he has a stake in the company. I don't know. That sounds great. Three months later, on October 16th, 2018, he updated his review to this. That would be good. You can't get better than what he just said. It's not going this way.

Who knows? Changed my view of this place due to Cindy, the local skank meth head, ruining the friendly vibe. The place tolerates her for some reason. Just because she's eating the cue ball. Come on. We'll have

to stay away. All it takes is one really disgusting person like Cindy to wreck the place. Bummer. So we'll advance you. He was Yelp reviewing Cindy more than the bar. She's got to get her shit together. Here's another one. Lauren S. Farmington,

Michigan. It's not so much Cindy because Cindy's going to be a problem. It's the fact that everybody stood by and allowed it to happen. I'm guessing Cindy doesn't get a lot of invites to baby showers. Listen, if you are not curtailing Cindy's

bad habits, you are part of the problem. Like in a group of friends, somebody's like, okay, yes, I do want to go out tonight, but who's watching Cindy? Because I am not taking care of Cindy. Who's on CP? Cindy Patrol. Lauren S. from Farmington, Michigan must have been on vacation because in July of 2015, she

wrote, this woman cindy was hanging out my name is cindy no i'm joking okay folks down at the nut know me and cindy if this is her this is her review if you really dig nasty stinky smelly bars then this place is for you smokers paradise air is heavy and thick drinks are cheap but a very limited selection bartender and people were nice not sure how this stays open but seems to be a local hangout that could be a one star or a five i don't know what that is yeah although i love that this woman couldn't just walk in and be like too smoky for me walk out and that's it no need to write anything no need to spell check it okay we have one more. It's from

Marcy from Port St. Lucy who wrote this on 1-17-2021. So this is just a couple months old. Bars, by the way, open the entire time like there was no pandemic. There was no coronavirus at all. We don't care.

Every fourth or fifth word is its own line. I think she tried to do a haiku. I will read it as such. Feel free to snap at the end of this. This is from Cindy. Was it Cindy? No. Circe?

What was her name? Marcy. Marcy from Port St. Lucie. Marcy C. Here we go. Drunk, kissing old men, strong cocktails with my ride rider dies at this local watering hole on christmas day i'm that kind of jewish i'm that that is a new show i'm that kind of jewish not my first time it was the best time call me florida woman and in florida we are open thanks for the

memories nut you can trust me. Mayor and I were in the business and paved the road they're going down. What is she talking about? I have no idea. Is that her? And that is her. That's a party in a can right there, guys.

You don't mess with that. You do not mess with that. She's that kind of Jewish. Okay, back to the story. That's funny. She doesn't seem that kind of Jewish. Okay, back to the story. That's funny. She doesn't seem that kind of Jewish. So where were we? Somebody got in a fight with a toilet around 149 AM.

That's it, right. They called the cops. Okay, here we go. Greenling. Emergency vehicles were called because a customer was breaking the toilet, a report states. Typically installed in bathrooms, a toilet is a receptacle into which a person defecates and or urinates who wanted you to know what a toilet is is that dan or greenlee what do you think chris theely start us off who wrote that that did that exist in an actual journalistic

article that's the question typically put in a. Typically put in a bathroom. Typically put in a bathroom. Oh my God. I mean, I just really want to believe that that's Dan. Okay. I think it's Dan. Mike, what do you think? I just want to quickly one last plug. The Doughboys will be live at the Nut.

Oh! B-Y-O-T. Bring your own toilet because that one's all messed up. Speaking of live, I was going to say to you guys, if you ever do another live show in Chicago, you tell me. I'll go there on my own time. We will get hot dogs from Wiener Circle, Super Dog,

Gene and Jude, and even the Home Depot dogs, which is an underground hot dog thing in Chicago. You ever do it, when the world comes back, you tell me. I'm there. Love it. Dude, we'll go to Emo's Pizza dog thing in Chicago. You ever do it when the world comes back, you tell me I'm there. Love it. Dude, we'll go to Emo's Pizza with you in St. Louis. Hell yes. Awesome. So who do you think said that? Dan

or Greenlee? I mean, I think in my head that this is Dan, but then also like what I'm hearing from Greenlee is that this sounds crazy enough to be Greenlee, right? So I'm hearing from from from Greenlee is that this sounds crazy enough to be Greenlee. Right. So I'm going to go. I'm going to go with Greenlee. I'm going to go Greenlee. All right, Nick, what do you think? First off, I learned something from that.

So that's nice. I'm going to say I think Mitch's logic is sound. I'm pointing at Mitch on my Zoom. I'm not sure that's reflected. No, you're pointing in the opposite direction. OK, got it. I'm pointing at Mitch on my Zoom. I'm not sure that's reflected on everyone's opinion. No, you're pointing in the opposite direction. Okay, got it. Never did it right. I think that I agree with Mitch's logic that I think it's also, I think it's Greenlee.

It's crazy enough to be Greenlee. Crazy enough. Jay, what do you think? It's Greenlee. I think it's Greenlee too. Okay. But I could be wrong. I don't know.

And I tell you, I have zero confidence in my answer. I have no clue what this is going to be. Everybody get your answers in. Chris, I will tell you, we've built a great community here of doing these shows. Someone in this audience who's a huge fan of yours, her name is Kayla Weeks. She went greenly, and you went me, and it's probably the first fight you guys have ever had. Ever had. Here we go.

Just so you know. You guys can still be friends. You guys can still be friends. Kayla loves you. All right. Here we go. The person who wants you to know what a toilet is is

Will Greenlee. Wow. Wow. Come on. That's an article, Mitch. That appeared in an article. That is insane. Your logic was sound in an article. That is insane. It's insane.

Your logic was sound in that case. I'm not saying you have to dedicate your last song to Kayla Chris, but all right, here we go. Ready? Back into it. The customer was later identified as a 25-year-old Newport Ritchie man whose occupation is listed as plumbing. I don't know if that's just what he told the cops. So he's not a plumber, but he's yes. He'd been playing billiards in a tournament, but got cut off from alcohol. The bartender told

investigators, you know how when you're in a tournament, you want to just be really sauce to where you can't. You want to be tournament drunk, by the way. You know how drunk you have to be that a bar during a pandemic cuts you off? They're literally open to the disease

and not you. That's right. We'll take something we can't see wrecking this bar rather than you. COVID, come on in. You out. Take your plumbing somewhere else. After being cut off, he left the coconut

but returned during last call. A time when bars allow patrons to obtain one last drink before closing not to be confused with the 2004 Kanye West song, Last Call, in which he describes the origin of his career. Who wanted you to know what Last Call was and that it wasn't a Kanye West song from 2004?

Which describes the origin of his career. So I'm going to put that explanation on there. Chris Thiele, was that Dan Van Kirk or is that will greenlee i asked now now they're now just so in my mess with you you have no idea anymore you don't know anything i'm going down i'm going down again okay again okay all right uh nick what do you think nick what do you think there's a there's a reporter for restaurant business week who i like read pretty frequently

because of our podcast and his name is jonathan mays and i'm obsessed with him because his name is jonathan mays and i'm realizing like greenlee is your jonathan may yes that's right 100 obscure reporter who's become this obsession of yours i know jonathan mays i know jonathans. I prefer to call him Jonathan Corn, but that's just... I'm sticking with Greenlee. Mike, what do you think? After the first one, it's impossible. It could be anything.

Right, and he's so good. There's just no way to... You need to understand, when we did this with Will Arnett, he almost drove down to Florida that night to go kill Will Greenlee. He's like, I'm going to drive down and beat this guy's sense. At the start of the pandemic, we did a Greenlee with Bobby Lee, and he said that this kicked him off the wagon. Yeah, he's like, I might go back to this.

He's like, I've relapsed. We did it with Michael Che, and he said, I figured out the pattern and then got the next three wrong. Exactly. There's no way to know. Don't feel bad. What do you think? Is that Dan or Greenlee?

I'm going to go. I think this is Dan, just because I feel like Greenlee doesn't know Last Call. I don't think he'll know Last Call. We didn't think that he knew three verses of the Thong Song. That's a good call. Jay, what do you think? I think this is... My gut says Dan, and that's why I'm going to say Greenlee.

Trust anything about myself. By the way, contestants tonight will receive a home game of the Greenlee, a home edition of the Greenlee game. Hell yeah. We should make it. We should. I think it's Greenlee as well, but I don't know. I'm not...

I'm putting my confidence level at three. All right, friends. It's the last call for alcohol, because the person who wants you to know what last call is and that it's not a 2004 Kanye West song is me. Yes.

Yes. That was smart. You know it. You know what you're doing. God, this is really difficult. If it was Greenlee, it would have been not to be confused with a late night talk show hosted by Carson Daly. There you go. Great point.

Okay, back to it. He would have referenced the semi-sonic song. Closing time. The man then tried to buy a beer, an alcoholic beverage involving the brewing and fermentation of cereals, typically malted barley and flavored by means of hops. Who

wanted you to know that you said fuck this? Who wanted you to know what just said fuck this who wanted you to know what beer is literally what beer is it's so dumb Chris Jesus Christ I'm greenly on that

you're greenly on that okay Mitch what do you think I've never wished harm on anyone and I greenly greenly is a dead man I've never wished harm on anyone. Greenlee is a dead man. Is that where you're going? I'm going Greenlee and I'm mad. You're right.

If it's him, Nick, what do you think? I'm experiencing a new emotion. I'm so angry and I'm so delighted at once. I think it's Greenlee. That's the best way to describe it ever. It's like a good kind of pain. It's like when you eat a carrot too fast and it feels like it's going down your back. You're like, going down and I feel it,

but this is good. All right. I'm going to say it's Greenlee. That's also my favorite porn. I ate a carrot too fast. And it was a baby carrot. And it went down my back. I'm going to say that's Dan.

Okay. All right. The person. Am I the only one who said Dan? You guys all said Greenlee. You are the only one who said Dan. The rest of us said Greenlee. Get your answers in now, friends. Play along wherever you are. Because the person who wanted you to know what beer is and how it's made is Will Greenlee. Wow. Do you see how broken up about this I am?

So now I'm mad I didn't get it right, but I'm also mad that he put that in a goddamn article. Yeah, right? Yes. Also, I just picture our three guests talking to someone in their life or family member later being like, all right, this is how it worked, right? There was a guy and the people are going to be like, what are you fucking talking about? The guy in Florida. Why are you even mad at him?

You had to be there. Was he there? No, he wasn't there either, but you would be mad at him. Did he do anything to hurt you specifically? No, but he had to be there. Was he there? No, he wasn't there either, but you would be mad at him. Did he do anything to hurt you specifically? No, but he needs to be punched. Every time you flash a photo of Greenlee, it's a real shadow man energy. I'm going to be having

sleep paralysis and see Dan Greenlee in my room. I kind of feel like he's the thin man's brother. Yeah. Slender man. I'm not even cool. Here we go. Ready? The man was asked to leave, but refused.

He said he wanted to use the bathroom first. Now, look, I've worked in bars cumulatively probably 11 years of my life. You never let them use the bathroom first. They're out for a reason. They don't get any part of that. They'd be like, can I hold that glass before I go? No. Everything's done for you here. You get kicked out of the restaurant. Can I hold your baby? No, you're not. Okay, ready? He asked if he could use the bathroom first. An unidentified person followed him to the restroom to ensure he uses it and leaves immediately, which means it was one other drunk person who doesn't work. There's like I got him.

I got I got I got I got I watched Cindy earlier. I can handle it. I took care of that situation. The man was accused of getting upset. I don't know if he got upset. He was kicked out or just upset that somebody followed him to the

bathroom. Yeah, someone's watching. The man was accused of getting upset and removing the toilet lid and beating the toilet with it. Oh, God. This feels like that scene. I'm guessing he's a great boyfriend. That's right. This is like that scene in Casino where Don Rickles gets beaten by a pay phone. This is it.

He removed the toilet lid and then began beating the toilet with it. He removed the toilet lid and then began beating the toilet with it. A toilet consists of a large bowl affixed to an apparatus designed to flush away the urine and or fecal matter into a septic tank or sewer system. Who wanted you to make sure you knew exactly what a toilet was and that it involved a septic tank or sewer system. Chris, what do you think? Now I'm more... The only reason I'm guessing is thinking about the patterns. There are no

patterns. There are no patterns. This is like the movie Annihilation. The pattern is gone. This is like the movie the room you can't figure it out okay also annihilation great fucking movie and remember hey we got look at us we got our

people holding up over here in the corner yeah yeah they're holding up their erase boards their guesses okay I love it all right where we at or Chris it's that we so you know we went we went greenlee, Dan, Greenlee, and so I feel like you

wouldn't give us another Dan now because that would be too predictable a pattern, and so this is a Greenlee. He's a Greenlee. Okay, all right. You got to have something. Mitch, what do you think? By the way, Dan, one time we did it, it was all Dan, and the other time we did it, it was all Greenlee. Really? Yes. That's how maniacal he is.

He doesn't care about human life. I have a different definition on when it starts. I mean, we're playing checkers and he's destroying toilets. It's just totally different things all together. Mitch, what do you think? I'm now mad at how caught up I am in this because I really want to get it right. His name is Will Greenlee, right? I call him Dan Greenlee, which just shows where my head is.

You two are one now, Dan. You and Greenlee are one. Dude, you know what? If Will Greenlee is the other half to my Captain Planet, let's do this. Form together. What do you think? You're like that bear in Annihilation where you can hear Greenlee's voice when you come near.

Oh, shit. That's a good reference. Oh, let's hang out, Mike Mitchell. Keep going. I'm going to say... Fuck. I'm going to go Greenlee. All right, Greenlee. Nick. I think Will Greenlee is ahead of his time.

I've gotten to the point where I feel like his journalism will be the most useful to the archaeologists of the 32nd century. He's really giving a lot of context. He's trying to capsule every article he's ever written. Exactly. Wow. Got it.

It's too odd to explain his toilet a second time for it to not be Will Greenlee. That's my logic. I think it's crazy. Jay, what do you think? So Nick is wearing a flowered shirt in front of a flowered background. So that is flowers on flowers. Flowers on flowers. Which is what I believe

this explanation would be within an article of already having those explanations, and yet that's why I think it's Greenlee. Flowers on flowers? Also a great porn. Flowers on flowers. My favorite Rolling Stones album. It's my favorite unreleased R Greenlee. Flowers on Flowers, also a great porn. Flowers on Flowers, favorite Rolling Stones album. It's my favorite unreleased R.E.M. album. I think it's Will Greenlee too.

I hate to go with everybody here, but I think it's Will Greenlee. The person who wants you to know that a toilet consists of a large bowl affixed to an apparatus designed to flush away the urine and or fecal matter into a septic tank or sewer system, the person who said that is Will Greenlee.

Yeah. That's fine. That's insane. God damn it. That's insane. That was in the newspaper. That was in the newspaper. It's the same story.

Yeah, it's insane. That's not writing. Oh, my God. That is not. You would get kicked out of a university for putting that in a paper. Can you imagine if Will Greenlee was the journalist who was picked to cover the first story? His head would have exploded. Yes.

We would have learned what adoption is and sisters and what a wedding is. I also have this harmless little fantasy that so many of our townies every six weeks they're in an apartment building and their neighbors next door are like i don't know who they invite over but they yell at these two guys every six weeks on a saturday night they're yelling at some guy named dan they're yelling at some guy named greenlee they're just like knock it off over there someone actually i think said they would love to see a edited together montage of just our reaction

to who it is. To whether it's Greenlee or not. Literally a hundred things. It's like a firework show. A firework show. It's a human firework show. It's a finale of a firework show. It's a finale of a firework show. No, it is not.

Oh, Jesus. The toilet was destroyed and the man ran out, a report states. Investigators reported finding the man who denied knowing anything about the toilet. Deputies said he eventually fessed up to busting the toilet, referred

colloquially as a porcelain throne. Who wanted you to know that a toilet isially as a porcelain throne who wanted you to know that a toilet is also called a porcelain throne god this is it's a little one this is the one that gets you all right chris what do you think is that day and that now i mean i'm piggybacking on Nick's thing. I just, or maybe, actually, it might have been Mike's. No one would do three, and so it must be him. It must be Greenlee. It must be Greenlee. All right, Mitch, what do you think?

Man, I'm too invested in this. I don't want to get, I've gone perfect so far, so now I'm going to break that. I'm going to break it right here because I'm going to fuck up right now but there's no I'm so mad you're mad you're visibly mad

I'm very mad we didn't invite you on to make you mad but you are mad I mean this is the definition of gotcha journalism he got you ah man I think it's greenly but dan you know what now also fuck you too dan i'm mad at both of you i think i think if it was Greenlee,

he would have added context to what a throne is. I think he would have said that a throne is something that a head of state sits on in a ceremonial capacity. A moniker. Yes. For that reason, I'm going to say it's Dan. You're saying he would have played a game with a throne. Okay.

Pasklar Brothers, thumbs up emoticon. Okay. I like where you're going with that, Mr. Weiger. I think that there is something to the quickness and the swiftness of it in here. And I think that it's just a throwaway. And he makes more of a meal, if I can go back to the Doughboys podcast, he makes more of a meal of his over-explanations, so I do think that's Dan.

I think it's Greenlee. Okay. Everybody locked in? A house divided is what we are. A house divided, yeah. Yeah. I don't feel good about it. Michael Mitchell, this is your last chance to see if you run the table or not.

Do you want to stay where you're at, or do you want to switch? I kind of want to switch, but I'm going to lock in. I'll go with what I said first. Okay. Just so you know, you guys, if you're wrong, you guys got to give all that money back

to the people who donated. $180,000 to each person, and you got to pay the postage too. The person who wanted you to know that a toilet can also and also to see if our dear beloved Michael Mitchell ran the table. He may be the first

person to really run official guess. He could be the person who wanted you to know that a porcelain throne is also a toilet is will green. porcelain throne is also a toilet is Will Greenlee. Wow!

Amazing. Congratulations. You did it! I mean, this may be the greatest accomplishment of your life. And it still makes you mad. I mean, everything about it, yes. I'm more scared. I feel like I'm going to

wake up tomorrow and look in the mirror and see Will Greenlee's face and not know what the fuck happened. It's a thing. Do not say Will Greenlee into a mirror 17 times. He'll show up and he'll over-explain what the mirror is. He'll over-explain what a mirror is used for. This is called a reflection.

When this segment began, Mitch was six feet back from the camera he's now on the other side of his computer he's here he's here he's with us he's left from where he is he's with us oh my god is that it that is it my friend that is it oh my god you guys what an amazing i'm scared this is yeah okay you're. You're okay. You did it right. You did it right. I want everyone to check out the Doughboys. Check out their podcast. Watch on July 2nd, Mike Mitchell's movie.

What's the name of it? Say it one more time, dude. It's the Tomorrow War on Amazon Prime. Tomorrow War on Amazon. I think we're going to do another one of these in July. We're working on the guests. We don't have it yet, but keep your eyes posted. It's going to be big and wonderful like this. And we want to keep doing this.

We want to keep doing these things. Lay songs. Lay songs, a new album. And Chris is going to take us out by playing, hopefully, one of my favorite, favorite, favorite songs that he does. And thank you guys so much. We'll play this and we'll say goodbye.

All right? Take it away, guys. So this is a special request from Randy today. It's a cover, actually, that my band, Nickel Creek, used to do. It was a long time ago. But it's also, it's not only the perfect song, I think, given what we've all just experienced at the diabolical hands of Will Greenlee. But also kind of like the perfect pandemic number from the mind of Stephen Mountmess. It's a pavement song. However you feel, whatever it takes.

Whenever it's real, whenever it's right. Whatever you need, however so slight. Whenever it's real, whenever it's right, I've been thinking long and hard about the things you said to me. Like a bitter stranger, now I see the long and short, the middle and what's in between. in between I could spit on a stranger pull me out or a bitter stranger pull me out

Whatever you feel Whatever it takes, whatever it's real, whatever makes me feel, whatever you need, however so slight, whenever it needs, whenever it's right Honey, I'm a prize and you're a catch And we're a perfect match Like two bitter strangers Now I've seen a long, short life And I can make it last Like spit on a stranger, oh meow You're a bitter stranger, oh meow

I could spit on a stranger, oh meow Thank you. I see the sunshine in your eyes Child of things you never tried I'll be the one that leaves you high High High Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi... I'm a good of it and then some yeah i can't wait to get the album dude you're the best enjoy your family thank you for doing this with us love you buddy can't wait to hang with you buddy nick and mike you guys are the best thank you to everyone here thank you to everyone i know we're coming i want to say one thing before you roll out guys today is the birthday of brody stevens yes and i want to say to all of you no matter where you are in your life you have love to give and there are people who have love to give you. And I end almost every time we do this with these two words. No matter what you're going through, there are people who love you and people who you love. So make sure you enjoy it.

You got it. Oh, shit. We're going back to work. Goodbye, you guys. Woo. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum. a podcast network