Dumb People Town - DPT LIVE - Dusty Slay, Rachel Lichtman and Grant Lee Phillips - Going To Need A Bigger Leash

Episode Date: October 25, 2022

This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Dusty Slay and Rachel Lichtman in Nashville! In story one, a man squashes a world record. In story two, a man tries to hide a gun after a terrible mistake. The final story is about a man who thought he saw a dog... And special musical guest Grant Lee Phillips!EXCLUSIVE NordVPN Deal ➼ https://nordvpn.com/dpt Try it risk-free now with a 30-day money-back guarantee!

Star Beans, out of here. I slowed it down a little bit, right? Can you tell the difference? I've given it my trademark cough syrup treatment. Dan and Ren and Jay were sharing Tales of folks who want to wear The lack of grace And sometimes shoes The life they choose Will make the news

Breaking down each epic fail In Florida This high-priced bail I'm happy to say They couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast Jam with co-host our man Dan Ben Kirk

Don't be a jerk When the music quits The bunny hits And we're gonna take you down Stick around Make make a sound Hunker down, it's Dumb People Down Dumb People Down Dumb People Down

Sing with me! Dumb People Down Deeper down Sing with me! Deeper down Deeper down G-U-M-B-B Let's get done! There he is! Grant Lee Phillips! B. Let's get done. There he is. Grant Lee Phillips III.

I'll take all of that you got. Hello, everyone. Hi, guys. I guess I should say this. Hey, townies. Welcome to a live episode of Dumb People Town. Population. Population Nashville.

Oh, my gosh. Nashville, Tennessee, the town that has been voted number one town in America. Congratulations. For girls in tank tops peddling bars down streets. That's right. You guys, I heard they're going to put the Ryman on top of a bar and all the bachelorette parties are going to be there. Oh, did your maid of honor say, let's not do Nashville? Welcome to Nashville.

Oh, did your slutty sister say, let's not do Vegas? Welcome to Nashville. Hotels booked in Austin, welcome to Nashville. Woo! For the listener at home, Jason's pedaling. I understand that, by the way. It's like, I want to get really blackout drunk. But I also love Peloton. That's right.

Can we pull something like that together? I want to do the equivalent of an Iron Man. What are you going to do tonight? I'm thinking about getting drunk and doing manual labor the whole time. Which is a lot of people in my family, to be honest. Grant, have you seen them running around Nashville? I have, yes. It's wonderful.

And when one comes pedaling your way, what is your inclination? To run in the opposite direction? Or to just yell, woo? Pretty much. A lot of folks on the razor boards here as well. My favorite thing is towards the end, there's always one girl or guy still pedaling,

and no one else is pedaling anymore. They're doing all the work. And that person was obviously the captain of the team because they're yelling at everyone else to pedal. Let's go, Sharon. That's my favorite part. Stacy, why don't you want this? Because I don't want to marry Derek.

Oh, wow. Wow, weird time to bring that out. This is your bachelorette party. Oh, it's not a real bachelorette party if somebody doesn't cry. That's right. Speaking of crying, I think we've got to talk about Randy's hat. Let's talk about my hat. I brought the hat.

Randy, you look like you both prevent and start forest fires. I do both. You look like somebody from Los Angeles who flew to Nashville today. You look like you make the website for Los Lobos. You look like your dad just left you the ranch. You look like you eat a lot of apple butter. You look like you misunderstood the destination wedding. You look like you misunderstood the destination wedding.

I'm just trying to think what Los Lobos... You look like you don't know the difference between hay and straw. Wait, it's not the same thing? No. Grant is not the same. I'm just trying to think what Los Lobos' website would be called. You look like a guy who pretends. You look like a guy who thinks all corn can be eaten.

That's right. It can be, right? No, it cannot. You look like a guy who makes announcements at places that he's not sanctioned to make announcements at. Guys, we've got to wrap this party up quickly. I'm not speaking on behalf of management. I'm going to be honest, looking at you all together, the only thing wrong with that hat is that it's not denim.

That's the only... I have many shades of denim going on right now. Some would say too many shades of denim. I don't know what show, but you are my favorite background actor. Deadwood? I thought you were going to be like,

you are my favorite dog whisperer. For sure. You look like you're waiting to pick someone up out of the, what is it called? Kid Rock, Honky Tonk, Fuck This Country Bar and Grill. I'm like, wait a minute. Kid Rock? Kid Rock, Honky Tonk, Biden's Fault

Bar and Grill. It's a great place. Did we do a story about Kid Rocks? Isn't that where the guy got kicked out and threw a colostomy bag at people? No one remembers? You can order them there. Or it was the one where the bartender

got kicked out of the bar for fighting people. It might be both. If you're at Kid Rocks bar and grill, can you order them to pour alcohol into your colostomy bag? You can order them to pour alcohol into anything you want. It's like, you know, those IVs in Vegas that when people have partied too hard, they get the like, I'm going to basically rehydrate myself. Yeah, it's actually very effective. At Kid Rock's Bar and Grill, you can put straight heroin in it.

For sure. It's in the back. It is. More of a parking lot. You got to ask for it. That's in the back. It is. More of a parking lot. You got to ask for it. Yeah. Kid Rock stuff. So we are so excited.

I want to bring out our guests tonight because we're going to do, first of all, we've been starting to do, I don't know if you've heard, we started to do our podcast in a little bit of a different way. Dan used to collect all the stories and do them all. But we're like, it's time. It's 10 years. It's time. It's 10 years. It's time. This is our first ever live show where the Sklars will also be reading

two of the stories. So this is very exciting. And we can't do it without our guests. And I'm so happy that we have both of them here tonight. One, we didn't know until the last minute she was going to be in town. And she's here. And her name is Dusty Slay.

I'm kidding. We're our favorite comics in Nashville. He's amazing. Would you please welcome the hilarious Dusty Slay? Dusty Slay! Netflix is on Dusty Slay. He might have the most beautiful hair on stage. Yes.

What is that, conditioner? What makes that so soft and beautiful? Pert and Pert Plus. Dusty is my pole mate. Oh, wow. And normally that would come with lap dances. But when we both did Moon Tower in 2019, we shared poles. They put banners up at the poles.

It was me and them. Oh, we did. Yeah. It was great. Do you know that Neil Pert, drummer from Rush, created Pert and Pert Plus? No, he did not. I don't know if that's true. He did not do that.

Our second guest, again, I found out that she was here. She's someone that we've worked with, and her work on, I highly recommend, on Program 4, which is her own special thing that she produces. How do you even describe it? It's art. It's art. It's comedy. It's the funniest send-up of, I want to say, public television and old 70s

network television that I've ever seen. Would you please welcome our hilarious friend, Rachel Lickman. Rachel Lickman! Look at this. Come on up. Welcome. Watch out. Front.

That's the way to go. Rachel, come on up. Yes. Welcome. Watch out. Front. That's the way to go. Rachel, come on down. Sit on down. You get a yellow chair. You get a yellow chair. I feel like White Oprah. Or Stedman. Folks, anyway, gang. I just wanted to say about

Kid Rock's bar, it's a great bar to make fun of on the outside, and then when you get in there, you're like, oh, this is cool. It is a good time. It is very fun. Which is probably like hanging out with Kid Rock. You want to make fun of him? And he's paying for everything, and he's got good chicken tenders. Why not?

What makes it great on the inside? It's just great. It's like a full-on concert. You get in there, and you're like, this is hard to make fun of. You make it sound like Wonka's just great. It's like a full-on concert. You get in there and you're like, this is hard to make fun of. You make it sound like Wonka's Chocolate Room. Whoa, what a magical, what have I stepped into? It's a jam in there and I don't even drink. I'm like, I don't know what I'm doing in here.

But it lured you in. But I'm happy I'm here for 10 or 15 minutes. Literally the best endorsement of that place I've ever heard. And Grant Phillips will be playing there next week. No, he will not be playing there. Anytime soon. You'll be in the January 6th room, right? They almost tore that one down.

Guys, the line to get into the January 6th room is nothing. There's no line. You just get in however you can. Just get on in. I got in through the window. Sure. You could take the ashtrays and the chairs. You could take anything you want.

I walked out of there with some of the mail from the night manager. I got Nancy Pelosi's podium. I stole all the mints from the bathroom attendants. It was wonderful. So, Daniel, one of the games we like to play with our guests, if you want to jump into that show. I do, yeah. So one of the things we're going to continue doing,

even though we changed that you guys are starting to do the stories, is we love to start out every show with our guests playing the Florida Man birthday game. What this is, is it's your birthday, and then what did a Florida man do on your birthday? Or Florida woman, or Florida they them, or Florida y'all. They're all, yes.

I want to be a y'all. Okay, you are a y'all. Y'all are y'all. Y'all are fun. Y'all are so sweet. How often do you throw a y'all around, Dustin? Well, I used to throw y'alls around like, I fun y'all are so sweet how often do you throw a y'all around well i used to throw y'alls around like i don't even have a comparison but i waited tables and i said y'all so much i was

like i gotta find another word i don't know and then i started saying you guys and the moment i did this lady was like we're not guys and i was like i'm just trying to find something else than y'all. I don't know what to do. I'm going to just make one suggestion. You all. You all. You're not in Alabama. How about you people? No.

Y'all. The crazy thing is y'all is the original woke. Y'all is like we're not gender assigning anybody. Did you see me going to a table? How are you all doing today? No. I see you sitting in the booth with the family going, what are y'all having?

I see you sitting, chair turned around with your back and I'm going, what are we having, guys? Dusty sits down first and he goes, first y'all, you're going to love the gravy. That's the first thing he says. I have a gravy.'s the first thing. I have a gravy. You have a gravy. Have you ever talked that possessively?

You want to do a Florida man birthday name game? Let's do it. Let's start out with Grant Lee Phillips. Grant Lee Phillips. Grant, tell everyone when your birthday is. September 1st. Barry Gibbs birthday. Wow.

The fact that you pulled that. Thank you for knowing that. The fact that you pulled that. Also my nephew's birthday. Don't worry about it. Ooh. On the nights on Broadway. And he was wrote about Broadway in Nashville. That's what.

Really? No. Not at all. Not at all. September 1st. September 1st. This is your headline. I'm sticking with that.

For your Florida man. Okay, let's hear it. Florida man accused of shooting at home after woman leaves negative restaurant review. All right. One way to... Does he own the restaurant? Wait, this is...

Or he loves the restaurant? This is Kid Rock. That's who did it. You don't... Sounds fair to me. Sounds fair, right? Yeah, I mean, don't leave a negative review you know I mean so this is allations coming your way we talk about this all the time we're at a point in

America where no one can take an L anymore ever you can't do bad review let's go to their house let's shoot it up let's be better next time what was the review though is there a way to see the review they did not give the review and I felt like if he had a stake, wouldn't it say restaurant owner shoots house after being mad at woman for... But it's just guy who was like, how dare you talk about my favorite Chinese buffet? What if in the review, the person just ripped the restaurant

and then said, come over and shoot my house if you don't agree with it and gave his address? Fair enough. But also like the house is like, what the fuck did I do? I know. I mean, I'm glad he didn't shoot at her. Don't agree with it. And gave his address. Fair enough. But also, the house is like, what the fuck did I do? I know. I mean, I'm glad he didn't shoot at her. Don't get me wrong. Obviously. But still, who's like, how dare you talk about the

domain like that? Dan, as the guy's shooting, he's like, oh, the steak was rare. You know what else is rare? Me shooting your fucking house. Boom, boom, boom. Okay, you ready for another one? What if the house was a duplex? One half was the restaurant. No, that's not a good idea. What did we do?

We just rent from these people. All right, Dusty Slay. I have your birthday as May 18th. That is my birthday. Okay. Okay. Here is your Florida man headline for your birthday. Florida man accused of exposing himself

claims he needed to air it out. All right, I get that. That's what he meant. I get it. Case dismissed. Sounds right. That's what my mom said the day I was born. That's right, you need to air it out.

And case dismissed. That's just healthy. Didn't know there was a baby in there. Hey man, what are you doing? Airing it out? You got a problem with that? A lot of people do, actually. Yeah.

Can't do that in front of a middle school. It gets hot in Florida. Did they say where? Oh, Florida. Oh, and do you want to know where in Florida? In Florida. It's hot. It's Texas Avenue, or was it?

It was over an open alligator's mouth. Just trying to air it out. You're airing it in. You know, he said I was just trying to air it out. You're airing it in. You know, he said I was just trying to air it out. So he's not even thinking that he can. He didn't even get to. I was just trying. I don't even know if I'm going to accomplish it.

Polk County, Florida is where this took place. I've never... Does anybody in this room know Polk County? It's horrible. Okay, we have a townie, or at least someone who stumbled in. We have room know Polk County? It's horrible We have a townie or at least someone who stumbled in We have confirmation that Polk County is horrible Because of that review someone from there

Will be coming to your house and shooting it up In about an hour I didn't have this pulled up To show all of you But it'll be on our socials That's the guy who wants to air it out This is a guy who does not Shape his beard

at all. Just on looks alone, this guy still talks about his high school offensive line. He refers to him as my guys. Grant is writing theme music for this guy. Don't. He doesn't deserve it.

That's pretty good. Okay, Rachel. Yes. I have you as December 1st. That's right. Okay, good. What, did you wiki me? What's that?

No, I hire a PI for every one of these shows. You've been followed for three weeks. I'm so in debt for doing these live shows. Yeah, Dan, I can't believe it. Okay, you ready? Yeah. This is what happened on December 1st of some year. Okay. Florida man

offered to pay officer with hamburger for oral sex. Okay. First question, how good is the burger? I mean, so across the street at Cookout, is that what you said? Cookout. It was Cookout. Cookout, as you said originally here.

What you said was a hot dog chicken restaurant. I meant chicken called Cookout. How that what you said? Cookout. It was Cockout. As you said originally here. Cockout. What you said was a hot dog chicken restaurant. I meant chicken called Cockout. How fresh was the burger? How fresh? That is what they claim on the outside of Cookout, the restaurant across the street, fresh burgers. They're also offering a huge T. Oh, I'll take a huge T.

I didn't say whether it was good or not, but there is a lot of it. I like huge Ts, and I cannot lie. Jason. Jason, at Sklar Brothers on all social media. How fresh. If you were a person, if you're standing in line at Cock Out, okay, and someone is in front of you.

By the way, Cock Out is what happened in the story in Dusty's birthday. I was just trying to air this thing out. If their slogan is not rock out with your cookout, what are they even doing? I don't have no idea. Or it's a chess and burger joint. Rook out with your cookout. These two. I've been around too long.

And it's also a library. and so it's book out, rook out with your cookout. Frank Caponi offered a hamburger in exchange for oral sex. Did he say, I'd gladly pay you that hamburger on Tuesday for the blowjob you're giving me right now? Was he already in trouble? Like, I don't understand how that went down. This is, I'm about to be arrested.

Let me get out of it. No, that's how they got him. No, he offered it. He's like, look, here's the burger. I'll make the special sauce. Don't you think that cop was like, oh, let me go talk to this drunk guy. I guarantee we can get him arrested.

We can get him on something. There is a part of me that wishes hetero men across the country, and gay men, I don't care, would just start telling people they like the food they've been served so much they're willing to suck your dick for it. Yeah. That would be wonderful. Glenn, I'm going to be honest.

I meant to tell you this at church last week. That burger was so good, I'm going to suck your dick. Hey, hey. Was it fresh, though? That's my question. That is our birthday, Florida Man birthday. All right.

There you go. Yes. We kind of did it. All right, good. We did it. Randy Sklar. Am I first? You have the first story.

All right, Daniel, get on. Are we going to switch? Yes. Do-si-do. Do we have interlude? Here we go. All right, I have the very first story. Good luck.

Are you excited? Hey, hey. I'm proud of you. Thanks, man. You haven't seen me do it yet. All right. You ready for this? I have no doubt. I will give you the headline.

Okay. And, okay. Then all of it, it's like, to me, there couldn't be something. This is like old Nashville. Because I imagine that, like, I don't know if this didn't even happen in Nashville, but I imagine there are a lot of people in Nashville who think Nashville was so much better before, right? Is there, like, a prevailing attitude that, like, it used to be good? Before what?

You don't understand. I wasn't here, but for sure that is here. I bet it was. Can I just tell, is there any, like, born and raised Nashville people in this room? Okay, cool. There's two. in this room. Okay, cool. There's two. So,

just so you know, we're coming up on year 15, maybe 17 of you guys going, everybody's fucking moving here. Eventually, everyone's moved here. You can't keep saying everyone keeps moving. You guys have been doing this shit since 2005, saying

everybody keeps moving here. No, it's happened. They're here. No, nobody's going to stop moving here. You know who we're sending here? All the people who moved to Austin. Wouldn't it be funny if people in these states like Texas and Tennessee were like, we got to stop these people moving here. You know what the only answer is? Raise our taxes.

So then it's an inverse of people who don't want higher taxes only asking for higher taxes to stop people from moving. And you figured it out. I think I have. I thought you were going to say make abortion legal. Okay. You ready for this headline? You guys ready? Here we go. Nebraska man squashes

record for floating in a pumpkin, officials say. Wait. He squashed the record. That's a pun. For floating in a pumpkin, officials say. Wait, wait, wait. He squashed the record. That's a pun. For floating in a pumpkin. This, by the way, is sent to us by Ace of Finance at Dragon Elm. Wait, wait.

So there was also probably a record for swimming in a pumpkin. No. This is floating in a pumpkin. This is, I love this story so much because this character, this guy, there he is right there. And he just grows. Thank you. Thank you, Greg. That's a guy who knows we're the best mechanic in town.

This is a guy. Absolutely. This is a guy who spent several nights in that boat after arguing with his wife. This is a guy who's never in his life put on sunscreen. Not once. This is a guy who says to you, now when you get to the fair, here's what you're going to want to do. This is a guy who

wears a life preserver to go grocery shopping. He knows where the bad bingo game is. He's like, before you kiss me, let me take my teeth out. Okay. All right, David. Look at him. He said to his kids. Is this him when he's younger? That's his son. All right, David. Look at him in that. He said to his kids.

Is this him when he's younger? That's his son. It's a family. Oh, there it is. Is this him? He is floating in the past. He has said to his kids, his dog, and a woman, please come back. Look at this. And just so you know that this is an actual commentator,

look at all these people floating in pumpkins. Did you know that this existed? No. People make giant pumpkins. Hey, where are you going this weekend, hon? The big pumpkin float? All of these people. If this is your hobby, you have been in jail. And you've gone so

far trying to straighten out your life, you float in fucking... But I will say this, Dan. I look at this the same way I look at CrossFit. I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? I know it makes sense to you, but I know you would be excited to tell me about it, but

I won't like it. What were you going to say? I just think these people, they're done carving pumpkins. You know what I mean? They're like, we got all these pumpkins. What are we going to do? We live in Nebraska. There's not a lot going on. We're going to eat a lot of corn. So we're going to learn about one guy who did this.

Now, he'd been trying to grow a pumpkin that big for nearly a decade. So he tried and failed for a decade. Or do you think it takes a decade? But Berta. Isn't that Hillary Clinton's book? Yeah. It takes a decade. It takes a decade, I think that Hillary Clinton's book? It takes a decade. To forget

about her lies. But Berta wasn't just for show. Hansen hollowed it out, plopped a cooler inside, and hit the banks of the Missouri River. There is a woman who is constantly telling her

friends, I don't know what he does out there. He's just gone for days. The man was on a quest to squash the Guinness Book of World Records for, quote, the longest journey by pumpkin boat. That is not a record. He was also on a quest to dry up every vagina in Nebraska. And he's done it. Rachel, there is no way that this... If a man

said to you... If you were starting to like somebody and they were like, oh, I carve out pumpkins and I float in them. Is that the moment? That's literally like the best thing I've ever heard from a guy. I was thinking the same thing. I'd be like, you know what? Good for you. You've got a hobby.

You're interested in something. You're engaged. Yes. Whatever. You never have to worry about not having a canoe. You're already there. We know the polar ice caps are melting. This guy's prepared. You know what I'm saying? If you're on Hinge and their profile says,

I'm a pumpkin floater, you go on that date just to find out what that means. I love how in this video, pumpkin floater. You go on that date just to find out what that means. Exactly. I love how in this video, it's like over the years, his sleeves just keep getting shorter and shorter. They're gone. Completely. And his trust

in love. That's right. It's shorter and his fuse. Yes, it's a thing. And Hanson's not the first to use a giant corded special. My knees still hurt. Oh, I love this guy. I probably won't try this again. And if somebody breaks this record, I will bow down to them.

Okay. Stop this guy already. Stop. Did anybody else feel like it was two seconds away from being very problematic? Because I know once the blacks come in here, it's like, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Rick Swenson, who in 2016 completed a how long trip? This is a different guy. Oh, a different guy. This is the guy he beat. He beat. In 2016, Rick Swenson, who was the creator and originator of Swenson's Ice Creams. No, it wasn't. Swenson.

Swenson. Wait, hold on. I need to know. It's Swenson's. You know Swenson. It's Swenson. Swanson. Wait, hold on. I need to know. It's Swanson's. You know Swanson. It's Swanson. Swanson's TV dinners. Wait, no, but it's the Swanson ice cream man. No way. It is Swanson.

I remember Swanson's. None of you on this stage had the Swanson man come to your house? No. There it is. It's Swanson's, and it was the scariest thing in the world when he would come. Because your parents, or at least in my case, your mom, did not have money to buy anything from the Schwan man. And he was going to sell her a lot of shit. So Rick Swanson who completed it, how long, I ask all of you, you can each guess.

Okay. How long did he travel in a pumpkin down a river? Two days. No. I love did he travel in a pumpkin down a river? Two days. No. I love that. In miles. In miles. Convert that into miles.

Hold on. Raise your hand. We're going to pick three people who also want to guess. But first, Grant. You're in charge. What am I doing? Yeah, Grant, what do you think? I'm going to say five miles.

Five miles. Dan, what do you think? I mean, it's a Guinness World Records record. I'm going to go 11 miles, okay? No, that's too long. Can I go seven? Sure.

I'm going to go seven. Jay? 1,200 miles. You think this was a pitch for the end of Castaway? Yeah, I guess. Like this guy... Bob Kidd!

Bob Kidd, I'm sorry! He's combined the beginning and the end of Castaway. He's now throwing out FedEx boxes to people's houses as he floats. Wait, can I ask a dumb question first? Sure. I'm going to start with Rachel. Dusty, I'm going to go down the line. When it gets big enough, does a pumpkin become a gourd?

No, I think it is. A pumpkin is a version of a gourd. A type of gourd, right? Yeah, I don't know a lot about pumpkins. I did grow one, not big enough to float in, but it was always a pumpkin to me. But at that big, what we saw, that's a gourd, right? No, gourd, pumpkins.

I think a gourd can be a small thing. For the listener at home, Jason talked off mic while getting onto his phone. You're always a pumpkin to me was my favorite Billy Joel song. I think it's in the Gord family. It is in the Gord. How long do you think? Pumpkin, squash.

How many miles did he travel? I'm going 50. 50? Okay. Rachel, what do you think? That's what I was going to say. I'll go 100. I'm going to say 35.

35 miles. All right. We're going to take three guesses from here. Yes. What's your name? What's your name? Mary. Hi, Mary.

Welcome to town. 20 miles. Okay. Yes. Right here. One mile but upstream. One mile but upstream. So he's just against the current.

26. We don't have the whole story. He's shoveling. He's a current lander. What's your name? Steve. Steve. Thank you.

Yes. Right here. Steve the Saga. Paul. Paul. It depends on how much he had in the cooler. Oh, here. Steve. Steve, thank you. Yes, right here. Steve the Saga. Paul. Paul. It depends on how much he had in the cooler. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's...

If he's got a 24-pack, he at least went 36 miles. Okay. If he's got a 28-pack, then he had to at least go on 50 miles. Sure. What do you think? You say 50, okay.

And you know it's bush. Good guess. Light. Light. The internet says, by the way, that a pumpkin is technically a gourd. I just want you to know. I love on a technicality, it's a gourd. I feel like I was right and wrong.

Five miles, says Grant. Seven, says Dan. 1,200. 1,200, says Jason. It was a void. 50. 50. You said 35.

Mary, you said 20. You said one, but, you said 20. You said one but upstream against the current. You said 50 as well. You essentially described a Bob Seger song. In a pumpkin against the stream. In a pumpkin against the stream. Against the stream.

I'm still paddling against the stream. I'm in a pumpkin. I'm still paddling against the stream. I'm in a pumpkin. I'm still paddling against the stream. Technically a gourd. Technically a gourd. All right. So Rick Swenson, who in 2016 completed a 25-mile trip. Oh!

Nice work. Beautiful. a 25-mile trip. Whoa! Eric. Beautiful. Insider Pumpkin, when he paddled from Grand Forks, North Dakota to Oslo, Minnesota, holds the title, but Hanson's float on Saturday blew past that record. It blew past that record? If verified by the Guinness Book of Records, he could join those

who have pushed the limits of what is possible. All right. Let's relax. This is possible. All right. All right. I support this. Relax. This isn't an untold documentary on Netflix. It was the person who cured polio. No, this is the examples of stuff they gave in the article. Push the limits of what's possible, whether it's growing eight-foot-long beards,

spinning basketballs atop toothbrushes. I didn't even know that was a thing. Stopping electric fans with their tongues. Is that a record? Is that a record? Is that a record? This guy revolutionized boat making. Oh, for sure. He is official in Bellevue, Nebraska. Nebraska announced Hanson's record

on Saturday just hours after he completed the voyage to Nebraska City. Now, to me, Nebraska City sounds like it wouldn't be in Nebraska. No, no, no. Right? It's in Missouri. Nebraska City, Missouri. Nebraska City, Missouri or Nebraska City sounds like it wouldn't be in Nebraska. No, no, no. Right? It's in Missouri. Right, Nebraska City, Missouri. Nebraska City, Missouri, or Nebraska City, Oklahoma. It's like named incorrectly. Congratulations, Dwayne, for smashing the world record.

They wrote in a Facebook post, we're proud that you started this record-breaking journey in Bellevue. Randy. Proud? Are you proud? If you are floating pumpkins as boats, everything you do is on Facebook.

Everything. You found your dog on Facebook. You reconnected with your illegitimate daughter on Facebook. Every part of your life is on Facebook. You communicate with the police on Facebook. You bought buttons off of Facebook?

So, Gives for Girl record didn't immediately respond to a request for the comment from the Washington Post to validate the record. The organization requires evidence with its submission, including photos and videos. We just showed you some of their witness statements. So it's like a crime, apparently. Did you see? I saw. I'm proud of this guy, and I don't even know him. Yeah, you are proud of him.

I want this guy to be related to me. I feel your pride. Hanson has taken some steps to comply with the rules after family members and officials documented the voyage. How many hours, before we get to what the record is, how many hours was he in this pumpkin? 48 hours. I'm sticking by two days. Jesse, I thought you were going to go 48 hours, three of which are on the water.

48 hours, which is ironically the amount of time it took to solve his cold case murder. Rachel, what do you think? How many hours? How many hours was he in the pumpkin for his record-breaking journey? Okay, so it was 25 miles.

No, we know he beat that. No, he beat 25 miles. He blew it away. Yeah, it's way better than that. We'll get to it at the end. Oh, I was talking about his the whole time. Oh, okay. His record. No, no, no.

Well, now you'll know to up. Wow. The new record. I think you're closer with 1,200. 1,200. Still on the table, guys. Still. If you're in a pumpkin on the river

for 1,200 miles, you don't want to pay child support. No, you don't. You don't want to see your wife's mother who's in town for a week. What are the guesses? You like alone time. Yes.

And the show. All right. So 48 hours is what Dusty says. How long was he in the record-breaking journey? How long was he in the pumpkin? I'm going to say 18 hours. 18 hours. Jay? I'm going to say 32 hours.

I'm going to stick with it. Go 11. Okay. And Grant, what do you think? I'm thinking maybe he's five hours, depending on the current. Five-hour energy kept him going. We'll take three guesses out here. Does anybody have?

Yes, sir. What's your name? Welcome to town. Oh, hey, Brandon. Hi, Brandon. It's getting so big. You don't two guys go down there. You've been getting so big.

Oh, Brandon. We don't have the time. Yeah, he's... Okay. 46 hours. Anybody else want to make a guess? Anybody else? We won't make funny.

I see one over here. What's your name? Hi, Margo. What's your guess? 72 hours funny. I see one over here. What's your name? Hi, Margo. What's your guess? 72 hours. And we have one over here? Yes, back there. 127 hours. So he sawed off

his arm when he couldn't get out of the pool. He needs both arms. Wait, what was your name? Katie. Thank you, Katie. I'm going to say this. One of you got it exactly right. Oh! So now we get to play the game. Who do you think got it exactly right?

I already know. Who do you think got it? Do you think you got it exactly right? Yeah, we all think we got it right. Does anybody want to change? Does anybody want to change? To someone else. And by someone else, I mean to me.

Okay. Okay. All right. Get your answers in at home Everybody Cause this episode's Gone out there He spent 11 hours

And Dan Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh

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Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh God God God God God God God God God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's speed, God's Don't excrement. I'm kidding. People across the globe followed his progress, wishing Hanson Godspeed as one fan. Godspeed.

Seriously, if God had any hand in making this... Wait, no, no, no. Finish the sentence you cut off. Say it again. Godspeed. Keep going. Seriously, if God had any hand in helping this man make a pumpkin journey... No, before that.

We're all fucked. As one fan put it, Godspeed. As one fan. He has fans. This guy's selling merch, y'all. This is where I want God to be the God from the First Testament. Very angry, smiting people left and right.

Yeah, let's smite whole cities. I tried to grow a pumpkin. I'm just saying. I've got a lot of respect for this guy. I tried to grow a pumpkin. I'm just saying. I've got a lot of respect for this guy. I tried to grow a pumpkin this year. It's this big. That's all I got. It was called a giant pumpkin in the packet. This is as big

as it got. This guy did this. This is amazing. So for the record, I just want people who are just listening to this podcast to know that Dusty held his hands about 12 inches apart. It looks very good, but it is not. As a performer. You couldn't even get a little face in there.

Musician and comedy alike, it's never good enough, right? So whenever, for the rest of my life, when somebody says to me, hey, I'm a huge fan of your comedy, I'm going to think, well, somebody's a huge fan of a guy who floats in a pumpkin. So really, what's the scale? Hey, God, maybe you want to help us get women's reproductive rights back? What's that? You're monitoring a man floating in a giant pumpkin trying to break the record for distance and time in that pumpkin?

Yeah, the apocalypse is upon us right now. Is that in the article? No, I just wrote it. Oh, Jesus. It's like this article took a hard left. Hanson is known for... You're like, no, Randy, It's like, this article took a hard left. Hanson is known for... You're like, no, Randy, you're like, this article comes from antifa.com.

Jeez. Hanson is known for growing large pumpkins and other produce. That's what he's known for. Also... He's already a star in this county. Thank you. Everybody knows this guy.

He's not known for being a good father. Well, right. So what's he like? What's he like as a person? I don't know, but he can grow a giant gourd if you ask him to. What were you saying? No, I'm just saying you know that going in, he's not a good father. Of course, he's a pumpkin

guy. Here's how fucked up I am. I thought Jason was going to finish that sentence. He's not known as being a good fuck. And I was like, geez, Jay. Father. Seriously, one of the biggest races I've ever seen, but not as big as the squash he grew

last year. Is that in the article? I said that. Randy. Hasn't brushed his teeth in years. Breath like the inside of a dead dog's asshole.

But once grew a seven foot parsnip. And that is in the article. I picture this guy and one half of the pumpkin floating. The other half, he has all this produce and he's taking it to children along the article. I picture this guy and one half of the pumpkin floating, the other half, he has all this produce, and he's taking it to children along the river.

Yes. Sending it out. That's how I see this guy. Yeah, he's a modern-day Paul Bunyan, Johnny Appleseed. Kids are coming along. Oh, the pumpkin guy's here. He's basically a folk hero. By the way, this could be the great pumpkin story.

You know what, Grant? You need to write a song about the guy who, this pumpkin guy, he needs a folk song. He needs a song. Oh, for sure. The man who grew the pumpkin, it floated down the river. I'll let you do it. When all the produce is gone, he takes both half of the pumpkin, seals it up, and goes into hibernation. Right, it disappears for 40 years.

Can we point out that halfway through this article, about a guy who spent 10 years growing a pumpkin, they said he's known for selling and growing produce around town. No shit. Hanson woke up two days earlier to woke up early two days later to begin

his attempt. This is later in the article. The gourd strapped over a mattress was hauled on a trailer, clad in denim shorts. You need later in the article. The gourd strapped over a mattress was hauled on a trailer clad in denim shorts. You need to slow way down. I don't care if we don't get to another story. You need to you just said pumpkin on a mattress

and denim shorts. Pumpkin on a mattress and denim shorts. That could be a song. That's a Carson bit. That guy loves that pumpkin. What is he? Pumpkin on a mattress. Loving spoonfuls. He's sleeping on is he? Pumpkin on a mattress. Yeah, right. Pumpkin on a mattress. Loving spoonfuls. He's sleeping on a cot. Pumpkin on a mattress.

I'm on that. What's the difference? Where is it? He was hauled in a trailer, clad in denim shorts, a life jacket, women's lingerie. Stop it. Joking. And a camouflage hat. Yeah, you don't want anyone to see your head.

I don't want anyone to see me. I'm just going to float down the river in a giant orange pumpkin. This has nothing to do with anything. And I don't even know if it's going to be funny, but I just thought about it yesterday. People who go into a furniture store, and I feel like Dusty and I were raised with these people, and they buy a camouflage Lazy Boy.

Did they walk in and go, that's it? That's it. That's my dream come true. That'll look good at the hunting club one day. Right? Right, when I get it. Like, they walked in, and of all the options, they were like, I want that son of a bitch

that's hard to see from a deer blind. That's what I want. I want to be reminded of basic training when I'm sitting back and watching television. I'm going to put this lazy boy outside. Not wrong on that. All right. So we're going to end this story with how far did Hanson go?

Okay. So his record. His record. The newer record. No, you said he blew past 25. 25 miles. He beat 25 miles. So it's like longer than a marathon.

How many miles did he go? Who do you want to guess first? Grant, what do you think? Oh, goodness. I have no idea. Okay, that's good. I'm going to say, how many miles? He blew past 25.

I thought we sorted this out already. No, no, no. 25 miles was the miles that he broke. We got the record. That's the record he broke. Just want to go higher now. I'm going to pass. I'm not very go higher now. I'm going to pass. Dan, what do you think?

I'm going to go 36 miles. I like that Grant's passing on just picking a number. It was too much for Grant to say 26. The story of this guy's record is too much for Grant. Imagine the people in this guy's life.

True. I'm going to stay. What did you say, Dan? I said 36. I'm going to stick with 1,200 miles. Fine. I'm going 150. 150.

What do you say, Rach? 42. 42. Do we have any other guesses out here? Rachel, it's going to go down. You, sir. Vinny. Oh, my man.

What's up, dude? 46 miles from the air. Vinny Hardy says 46 miles. Right there. 33. 33. The year Jesus died. That's right.

Yeah. That's so biblical. More of a Scotty Pippin. And this guy is sort of a messianic figure, if I may be so. And what did you say, Dan? 36. Okay, get your answers. I'm guessing you asked that because I nailed it.

Because this guy floated 38 miles. Oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh. Did you say 38? 38. He said 36. I think you had the story 38. He said 36. I think you had the story before. He said 36.

No, no, no, 36. He was close, though. Last thing I'm going to ask is how old is Dwayne Hanson? How old is Dwayne Hanson? We got a good look at him, although it was grainy. 58. 58? Or what do you think?

He's outside a lot. How do you guess an age when all of that was shot on a flip phone? How do you? And it could have been shot many years ago, but what do you think? Oh, how old is he now or at the time? No, no, no. How old is he now? Okay, sorry.

Okay. I'm going to say 49. 49. Jay, what do you think? I think he's 52. Mm-hmm. Dan? We're all around it.

My left-wing ass is going Barack, baby. 44. 44. What do you think? How old is that guy? I'm thinking he's in his late 20s. He's had a hard life. Saturn return is very hard. Pumpkin living is a hard life.

Pumpkin living is a hard life. Pumpkin living on TLC this fall. Of course it's only out in the fall. My pumpkin obsession. What does anybody else have any guesses out here? 55? Of course it's only out in the fall. My pumpkin obsession. All right. Does anybody else have any guesses out here? 55?

38? 48? 49. Okay, get your answers. 49 is a good guess. My 400-pound pumpkin life. Because Dwayne Hanson, the man who sailed. Dwayne?

Dwayne? The Rock Hanson. Dwayne the Rock Hanson. Dwayne the Rock Hanson. Dwayne the Pumpkin Hanson. You can do this. I'll hold your hand. And you don't like human touch. 38 miles is 60 years old.

Dusty Slate. Dusty Slate. Dusty knew it. And that is our years old. Whoa! Dusty Slate. Dusty knew it. And that is our first story. Wonderful. My first story. A lot of details. Super fun.

Thank you. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more at Old People Town. Hey, townies. Today we are talking to you about NordVPN. VPNs protect your internet connection and privacy online. They create an encrypted tunnel for your data,

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Visit NordVPN.com slash DPT to learn more. Boom. Grant Lee Phillips, how about playing a song for us? Is that sound good? Let's do it. How about Grant Lee Phillips, everybody? Grant Lee Phillips, everybody! Special Sklar Brothers request. Oh yes yes virginia creeper best album

ever get it people you're the last of your kind Mona Lisa, with a wink of your eye, you make it all right. Oh, there's more left to life. Mona Lisa, let me take you along for the ride He ain't nothing that stays the same Won't ask it of you Just how far some of you are yesterday Say you won't ever lose it

I've been down, I've been worse More Lisa Came in last, came in first But it all gathers dirt Lonely sun For your faith in that light Your love that stays the same Won't ask it of you

But just that first smile you wore yesterday Say you won't ever lose it Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh You taught me this much Come on Lisa, now I done set it aside For when you need the same little magic touch Or for when you need reminding He ain't nothing but stay the same Won't ask of you

But just that bird smile you wore yesterday Say you won't ever lose it Just that first smile you wore yesterday Say you won't ever lose it Won't ever lose it Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Say hello, my pumpkin friend

Say hello, my pumpkin friend. Say hello, my friend. Oh, Lord, oh, Lord, such a good hour. Say hello, my pumpkin friend. Pumpkin friend Hell yeah! I mean, shout out to Greg, our sound guy here at the Analog Room, and shout out to the Analog Room here at the Hutton Hotel in Nashville. Make sure you take care of your bartender. Sarah's over there. She's doing a great job.

Grant, it's amazing to me. I was listening to you sound check earlier today. I'm like, how does he generate that sound out of one human being? Effortlessly and beautifully. And if people want to see you live across the pond in December, right?

That's right. I'm going to be in Dublin and Belfast and Limerick and Cork and London and all sorts of places. So we have fans who listen.

Sarah Dunn, if you're listening and I know you are, get your whole goddamn village to go see this guy. Seriously, it is like such a joy to watch you play.

I think Carleen McDermott is in the UK. Oh yeah, Carleen. And we all remember her name at She Be Carleen. So she should come and see you there too. Well, so amazing stuff.

And dig into the whole catalog of Grant Lee Phillips. But that album was very, like, I don't know why that reminds us so much of LA because it was Largo and LA. When did it come out? 2004.

Early 2000s. Yeah, that sounds right. So it was a very in LA. When did it come out? 2004. Early 2000s. Yeah, that sounds right. So it was a very meaningful time in our lives as we were coming to... We had left New York in 99 and we were trying to find love in LA and why we loved LA. And that album was part of why we started loving Los Angeles.

So thank you. It's such a treat to have you here. Grant Lee Phillips. Come on. Thank you. Unbelievable. He's going to play more. And Lee Phillips. Come on. Thank you. Unbelievable. He's going to play more. And we'll get to what these guys are doing, too.

And by the way, we'll meet you after the show. We have some cool posters that Jeff Tice designed that we'll sign for you guys. All right. You guys ready for another story? Let's do another story. So this is a little thank God they don't serve food is all I'm going to say for this next story. I'll do the headline, and if this is tough for you, I'd say stay in your seat, because it only gets worse.

Criminal, so they just already identified him as a criminal. No alleged. Not man. No alleged. Criminal. Coming in hot. Shoots himself in testicles and tries to hide gun. Police say, oh, man.

So, I mean, hey, he might be the greatest truth or dare player of all time. Possibly. But to me, you want to hide the gun first and then shoot yourself in the testicles. Right. Yeah. So he shoots himself and then tries to hide. Well, he doesn't want anyone to know who did it. He's like, I always bleed like this.

All right. to hide. Well, he doesn't want anyone to know who did it. He's like, I always bleed like this. Alright, a convicted offender accidentally shot himself in the test. Well, he didn't do it on purpose. Can't this be... Okay, so he probably shouldn't have had a firearm and it went off accidentally. Well, here's the detail that

makes it a little bit more dumb people town. Convicted offender accidentally shot himself in the testicles while having drugs hidden in his anus. All right. So multitasker. That's just trying to get it all done in one day. Yeah. Look, if you've got stuff back there, then I don't think you want to be messing around up here. Right.

I don't know. I mean, shot yourself in the testicle. Is that What is that feeling right after it happens? Euphoria. And if you already have drugs in the anus, where do you hide the gum? He had no room left.

Are you ready for his name? Cameron Jeffrey Wilson, who I believe wrote the musical Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Am I wrong? James Cameron Mitchell. What's his name? Cameron Jeffrey Wilson. How about CJ?

Yes. How about CJ Dubs? CJ Dubs. I love him. CJ Dubs shot himself in the nuts. I loved him on Growing Pains. Yeah.

These are growing. I'm sorry. You mean Growing Pains? There we go. We got there. There we go. Rachel is shaking her head in disappointment. And Randy, you've given all of us some groan pains.

Okay. He was forced to seek treatment. That means he didn't want to seek it. He didn't want to seek treatment. At a Wenatchee City Hospital after the pistol in his front pocket discharged. Oh, my God. First of all. Don't put a gun First of all, why is it loaded? It's a lady gun.

It's fine. You can put it in your pocket. Wasn't that an Atlantis song? Lady gun? I got one gun in my pocket. And a bunch of drugs up my asshole, too. Working title. Rachel likes it. That's all I care about.

Gun in your pocket. He is accused of trying to hide the gun in the aftermath of the violent mishap. Where do you put the gun? I mean in all orifice do you put the gun in? What was the violent mishap? The gun went off and shot himself. Is he a criminal

up in, is that why he's a criminal? That's what I love. We started out with criminal and then around this point we're like, here's what's alleged. So here's the part where you go, alright, we know he's dumb up to this point, right? He's made some mistakes. Oh, he's really

dumb. A balloon full of marijuana was seen falling out of his ass. Just move to Colorado where it's legal. A balloon full of marijuana in your ass? A balloon full of whiskey in his ass.

In almost every state. A balloon full of Diet Coke came out of his asshole. It was Anacin. Oh, okay. I feel like in every state, even the states where they're trying to treat marijuana still like it's a stage one narcotic.

Even in those states, the cops would go, you really don't got to go through all this. No, even when it was completely illegal, no one put it up in a balloon. Nobody. Up there. You know what? That was a cocaine thing.

Dress for the drug mule you want to be. Okay. Not the drug mule you are. You know what? That was a cocaine thing. Dress for the drug mule you want to be. Okay. Not the drug mule you are. You're right. That's right. And you know it's a birthday balloon. But it's all sticks.

Yeah, it was in the shape of a poodle, which I thought was weird. Well, he had to move around a lot to get that. A balloon full of marijuana was seen falling out of his anus while doctors operated on his gunshot wound.

Well, that's embarrassing. Ignore that. Please keep working on my nuts. Ignore that. That's mine. No, no. He goes the other way. I think that's yours.

That's yours, doctor. This is his Wizard of Oz moment. Pay no attention to the balloon of marijuana to my ass. Jason, I don't know why this would be in there, so I guarantee it's not a guess. But I wish we could guess the amount, like how many ounces

of weed he had in his ass. He's like, I ate that balloon earlier today. I had no idea what was in that. I didn't know I was supposed to take the wrapping off. I ate it. I can't. I just, I don't know. How much?

It can't be a lot, Dan. Not much, right? Right? It's not a large. It's probably not even enough. Even in like the real shitty states, it's not enough because they're the ones that are maddest about marijuana where everyone needs marijuana even in those states

I don't know if you'd have enough for it to even be a felony right look I don't understand butt chugging and I don't need to go down that road oh well you need to because it is a good time so you put a beer bong in your tube

into your butt and then send the alcohol in the inside. Which, by the way, near the bar over there, there is a butt-chugging station here at the Analog Room. They make it very clear they want you to try it.

There's a type of doing it with tampons, too, right? You know, actually, that area is called the Analog Room area of the bar. Randy. Sorry.

I got Dusty to laugh. Police called the hospital to investigate the unusual 5th of April shooting searching Wilson's car. Imagine that call. Well, we got a balloon

of drugs here. Heroin? I wish. Searching Wilson's car and discovered that a bag of methamphetamine. Now we're talking. There we go. Now we've... He got them mixed up.

This is why you don't do the meth before you stuff your asshole. It's like packing drunk. He was trying to get it all in there when he shot himself. Where did this take place? This was in Wenatchee. He's trying to get it all in there when he shot himself. That's right. Where did this take place? This was in Wenatchee.

He's trying to air it out, really. What's the website? Maybe that'll give us a clue. I'm just wondering, where would you need to go? Oh, by the way, this was sent in by Matthew Friedman at NotYourAverageMatt. And this is NotYourAverageDumbass, who did all this stuff. Okay, so Chelan County authorities have claimed. Matt and this is not your average dumbass who did all this stuff okay so Chelan County authorities have claimed okay so later that month this is another

story about Wilson they just came guy same dude CW CJ later that month so this is already if you and if that shot you're not off and had a bag of marijuana come out of your ass while they're... Dude, that should be enough for the month for you. And don't forget, there's meth in your car. Right. That's a month's worth of dumb stuff. Right.

Later that month. While Wilson was being strip searched by police at Cheelan County Regional Justice Center, following his arrest on initial drug charges, a second balloon full of marijuana slipped out of his anus. All right! At this point, you like it. This is his thing. Yes.

Right? 100%. His thing is getting caught. This isn't about the marijuana. He's not hiding anything. No, he just likes it. Look, one balloon falls out of my anus. Shame on you.

Yeah, shame on you. Two balloons full of anus. Maybe he you. Scoot's balloon's full of vain. Maybe he's trying to get it into the jail. Like, he just can never get quite there. After being booked at the county jail on the 18th of April, he called his girlfriend from jail. Wait. Yeah.

So, hey, every pot has a lid. That's it. Every pot has a every pothead has a lid. That's it. Every pot has a balloon to go in your ass. Did you say pothead has a lid, too? The pumpkin guy doesn't seem so bad now, does he? I told you. That's all I'm saying. There's a lot of people swiping right on the pumpkin guy after this story.

Okay. He called his girlfriend from jail to tell her to keep silent about the accidental shooting and its aftermath as if they don't record those phone calls at all. You know, listen, we're on a telephone line coming from the jail. Let me say some secret

shit to you. I'm sure when he was like, I need you to do something for me, she was like, I'm not putting more marijuana up your butt. This is the article. Keep silent about the accidental shooting in its aftermath. A call recorded by the authorities. Wilson had allegedly told his girlfriend to hide the pistol at a friend's house before they drove to the hospital on the 5th of April. So he did this.

And then she saw it. And then instead of taking care of him, he's like, go hide this somewhere. Because he wanted to be like, someone shot me in the nuts. Right, yes. I'm not going to tell you how it was. Presumably. Well, didn't you say he didn't want treatment? He had to be coaxed into getting treatment.

Oh, God. I wish we knew what his. I mean, how high was he? He's really good at marijuana. He's like, I've been here before. I got it. I got it. I got this.

All right, this dude has been charged with unlawful drugs possession, unlawful weapons possession, and tampering with a witness and putting the wrong drug in his asshole. That is a charge. I can't believe it. All right, we're going to get out of here on this.

It was a tight one. It was a short one. A tight one like his asshole. And a lot of information dropped out of that one. Well It was a tight one. It was a short one. A tight one like his asshole. And a lot of information dropped out of that one. Well, it leaked out at the end. So this, we're going to guess, do you want to see his picture

and guess how old he is or guess how old he is? Picture, picture, picture. See the picture? Because sometimes, by the way, the picture, it makes it even more difficult. All right, let's get his picture up

because this, all right. So that's like a starter mullet. It's coming out. It's coming in very nicely. He's got like those college guy like little flyaways. Like all he's missing is a Gamecocks hat. The other way. Sweating a lot, Grant.

Sweating a lot. I see only pupils. Like I don't see any irises in that man's eyes. Also, a 1990s goatee. You've got to think that's pretty. He's got a smash mouth goatee. Hey now, you are not an all-star Cameron Jeffrey Wilson.

How old? We'll start with Grant. How old do you think this gentleman is? Take a good goddamn look at him. Goodness, this gentleman I would say maybe 26 at most. 26 years old from Grant at him. Goodness. This gentleman, I would say maybe 26 at most. 26 years old from Grant Lee Phillips. Daniel. I don't want to undercut.

I'll go 28. 28 from Daniel. I think he's 23. One of the 20s. I'm going 19. 19. No, no, no, 19. 22. 22.

22. 22, Rachel. We'll take three more from the crowd. Right here. What's your name, sir? Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Sorry, Steve. He's almost very legal, 17. He's only 17. I'm going to tell you, I've been doing this as a townie to townie. We wouldn't see his photo if he was 17. So do you want to change your, do you want to bump it up? Charges

as adults. Ring his ass up. If he wants to put shit in his ass, he's a man. He's a man. If you do man shit, you're going to get charged. All right, David. All right.

David. This is just a city council meeting. He's bringing his own ass up. This is a bake sale for Christ's sake. I'm sick of it. This is what happens when they close down the church. David. David.

This is old business. We're still in old business. Oh, fine. Fine. Fine. Kids, we're selling pies. Do you want a pie? We're literally selling pot brownies. He, fine. Kids, we're selling pies. Do you want a pie? We're literally selling pot brownies.

He did not need to put that up there. Okay. Weed is legal in this town. All right, so we got 26. We got 28. We got 23. We got 22. 19.

19 and 22. He even says try it as an adult 17. 17. We'll do two more. You're a pro. Right here, middle. Mary. 21. Anyone else it as an adult 17. 17. We'll do two more. You're a pro. Right here, middle. Mary. 21.

Anyone else over here? 38. 38. Great. That's the best looking 38-year-old I've ever seen. He looks good. If I told you. It's a fountain of youth putting drugs up your asshole, isn't it?

Yeah. If I told you that was. It's better than a good face cream. If I told you that was a 1992 Scott Stapp, you'd go with me on it. With arms wide open. With foot wide open. I will gape for you. Okay.

Did you say with cheeks wide open? I said butt, and then I threw a gape. All right. We're going to get out of here. Story number two on this. It was a quickie. Okay. But it was fun.

Nobody's right. Cameron. Okay. Jeffrey. Wilson. The was a quickie. But it was fun. Cameron. Jeffrey. Wilson. The third. The writer of Hedwig and the Angry Inch is 27 years old. Right in between you two. So right in between Dan and Grant. Congratulations. Nice job, you guys.

There you go. Story number two. Story number two. Love it. I think he's done well. I mean, despite those mistakes, he looks good. He does look good. His whole life ahead of him. And both of his nuts, well, I'm sorry.

Well, all right, fine. He and Lance Armstrong and John Kroc can hang out. All right, so those are one-nut jokes for these people. Vinny got them all. Thank you. For getting so close to winning, Grant, we're going to give you The right to do

Another song Really Yes So would you guys Like to hear Grant Leave those Another song And then we'll find out

What these two guys Are up to In one last story Stick around Make a sound For more Dumb People Town We all know this

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So shop now and get it taken care of early. Boom, check it off. They also offer Uncommon Experiences, which are more than virtual classes. They are unexpected opportunities to have fun and connect in new ways, from tarot card reading, romantic map making, cooking and mixology classes, and more. When you shop at Uncommon Goods, you're supporting artists and small independent businesses, and with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give a dollar back to a nonprofit partner of your choice,

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You made me nostalgic talking about neckbeards and goatees and facial hair. Let's do a 90s song. Let's do it, yeah. We'll do it. This is a Grant Lee Buffalo song from way back when. Yes. Okay, we'll do it. Okay.

Okay. It's the lock of the truck How you wound up with me I don't know how But I beg you to stay And crawl around on this earth while the world's still small Honey don't think about it too long

now Honey don't think we're liable to beg you maybe now right now I'd love it if you made me have Right now Something wrong with my stars Could you look at my chart

Help me heal these scars Could you learn to read my hands In the case of mine, do you read in the dark? Honey, don't think about me too long now. Honey, don't think we're liable to figure me out. Don't want to figure me out Don't wanna figure me out Don't wanna figure me out Don't want to

No you don't Oh honey don't think About it too long now Oh honey don't think Your lover looks making me mad Oh honey don't think About it too long now Oh honey don't think You're liable to figure me out

Figure me out Yes! Oh yeah! Figure me out Rachel Lickman. Rachel, let people know kind of what you're doing. And I'm just so curious. We participated in the Network 77 stuff that you did. You have a program for which you're editing right now, which sounds so cool. And if it's just the sort of evolution of what you did in Network 77, just explain it to everybody here so that they can know what it is and give examples and charts and all that stuff. Okay. Well, I started Network 77 in 2017. And it was an independent, sort of my own channel, like an umbrella to put a bunch of stuff under, you know.

Yeah. And then, you know, I did that. I did a couple episodes. It was just really raw and it was groovy and beautiful and fun. Got a lot of people involved. And then, you know, the pandemic happened and I kind of just decided to do work differently. And then I came up with Easy AM66, which was you guys.

I loved it. It sounds like a beautiful music format radio station, an AM station, but it's mostly just commercials, fake commercials and ads. And worked with some friends just during the pandemic to stay sane. Can people access those? Oh, yeah. Everything I've done is at program4.com. P-R-O-G-R-A-M-M-E.

M-M-E, four. Four. Yeah. Way to make it difficult. Yeah. And so then I just and then I had a bunch of stuff in the can from before the pandemic and then I just started

just making stuff and then it kind of evolved into sort of a new thing and it's going to be really beautiful so at program four there are some previews of things that have already been done including music video that's going in for Amy Mann and some other fake opening credits that I designed.

For fake shows. For fake shows that don't exist, like A Man Named Brady, the prequel to The Brady Bunch. The most brilliant thing ever. With his first wife. With his first wife. She died, right? He only has the two boys. One of them's played by Butch Patrick,

who didn't make it to the next because he's difficult to work with. It's so brilliant. And he's an architect. It's like a Mad Men kind of looking thing. I want to see this show so badly, I gotta tell you. Oh my God. And he's an architect. It's like a Mad Men kind of looking thing. It's just like that's what it was.

I want to see this show so badly. I've got to tell you. Oh, my God. A Brady prequel would be the great. A man named Brady. A man named Brady. He yells at his kids a lot. It's very serious. Music by Lalo Schifrin.

And the whole thing is just wonderful. And stuff like, you know, just little bits and pieces that I've done. Yeah, music by Lalo Schifrin, and the whole thing is just wonderful. And stuff like, you know, just little bits and pieces that I've done, and then there's a whole host of other things that are going in for a full episode that's coming out in the new year. I just love that you, and again, for all the people listening who are like, man, I want to do something. Like, you have these ideas, and you're like, I'm just going to make them. I'm going to reach out to people that I love, and I'm going to make these ideas yeah and you're like i'm just gonna make them i'm gonna reach out to people that i love and i'm gonna make these ideas and they're amazing i want everyone

who's listening and everyone here follow program four and just you know become a fan of this person that we could not endorse and recommend more i'm so happy you're here thank you so much i'm so i'm very happy to be here yes so good and dusty slay And Dusty Slade, Nashville's own Dusty Slade. We are so excited that you're here. You guys here can see him every month he does a show, correct? Yes, I do a show at Zany's in Nashville. Next one, November 22nd. There is one in December.

I don't know the date right offhand, but yeah. I love it. November 22nd. And my calendar, DustySlay.com is my website. I got, you know, I'll be in Syracuse, New York, and Phoenix, Arizona, Columbus, Ohio, Irvine, California. Just a great vibe. If you want a starting point, people at home who may,

we've known Dusty for a while, watch his comedy on Netflix. That really was, I think, the thing that launched you or at least connected the most people who didn't know your work with you. Yeah. Well, yeah, the stand-ups, season four, I'm on there. And yeah, it's great. It's a half hour of comedy that I worked on the road

for a long time and it's great. And I also have on YouTube a full breakdown of the song, It's Five O'Clock Somewhere. I want to see that. Oh, please. It's 5 o'clock somewhere. I want to see that. Oh, please. It is 5 o'clock somewhere. So let me ask you, what are you working on,

bit that you're working on that you're the most excited about now, even in development, even joke or bit or something you're like, this is the one I enjoy telling more than any right now. Well, I mean, you know, I got some other country songs that I do. You know, I got one about a songs that I do. You know, I got one about Travis Tritt's song called The Whiskey Ain't Working Anymore.

Yeah. Where he, you know, he has a line in that song where he says, a woman warm and willing, that's what I'm looking for. That's it. That's a high bar.

That is some low standards right there. Wow. Alive? Yeah, exactly. It's like warm, like alive. Breathing. But also willing. It's like warm, like alive. But also willing.

So there is some consent somewhere in there, right? Yeah, willing. She's like, yeah, I'm not that into it, but I'm lonely too. I mean, I'm willing to do it. It's like she's treating it like the eight-hour conference you have to go through when they try and sell you a

condo just so you can stay for free. Right. I'm willing to go to that conference. I just want to stay here for free. At Shadow Ridge. And then, you know, and I had a baby, you know, like a year ago. And so I've been reading children's books to my baby. And I'm like, a lot of these don't make a lot of sense.

No, they do not. A bit that I'm working on now is about Humpty Dumpty. You know what I mean? Like, who is Humpty Dumpty? We know he fell. We know he wasn't able to be put back together. But who is he? Really?

He's like half the people we went to high school with. Well, he seems like he's some sort of royalty. The king's horseman, the king's man. They're trying to put him together. But who was he? Why was he up on the wall? If he was so fragile, why would he put himself in such a... I would say that, in a figurative sense,

he was broken before he fell. That's true. And they don't say he's dead, so is he broken up now, just little pieces laying around the kingdom? They never put him back together again. Couldn't put him back together, but he didn't die. He didn't.

It's like a James Taylor song. He didn't die, but he was't die. He didn't. It's like a James Taylor song. He didn't die, but he was willing to fuck Travis Tritt. I'll say that. He was warm and willing. Warm and willing. Warm and willing. All right, well, follow him, Dusty Slay.

Yeah, Dusty Slay at Dusty Slay at all my social medias. I love it, dude. Hit it up. Follow them. Support these guys. Daniel, we've got one more story. Ready?

Has this been fun for you? You get to sit there. Wonderful. Much fun. Much fun. Okay, good. Okay, here we go. Ready?

Yeah, let's take us home, buddy. Sent in by James Scragman at Scragman. S-C-R-A-I. Scraggers. Yes. We're going to get out of here on me. Florida man to blame for being bitten by alligator. Okay. Yeah. It's your fault. Yeah. Isn't it usually for being bitten by alligator. Okay.

It's your fault. Isn't it usually your fault? There's a video of a guy who's like kind of taunting a monkey and then the monkey with both arms grabs his leg and pulls him to the cage. And I'm like, you deserve that. You did that shit too close. Don't do that.

Spoiler alert. Have you guys seen Nope? Nope. Nope. Nope. Not yet. Need to. There's a whole thing where you're like, of course this is going to happen.

That's right. I want Jordan Peele to make a movie called Not Yet. Okay. Not yet. It's very good. Nope. All right, ready for this story? Palm Beach, Florida.

A man in southwest Florida is recovering after he was bitten in the leg by an alligator. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission says the gator bit a chunk out of the man's leg outside of a motel late Tuesday night. Motel. Motel. Motel.

Honey, I'm going for a walk. Don't get... I'm saying this as a person who's stayed at more motels than probably anyone in this room. Say that again, Dusty. I said a lot of dangers at a motel, and you never think alligator. No. Okay, that's perfect, because what I was going to say, as a person who's stayed at a lot

of motels, when you stay at a motel, you are signing up for whatever happens in your life. You're going to find a bag of money and have to run from fucking killers, whatever it is. You could watch someone's kids like in the Florida Project. Yes. Did you guys see that movie, The Florida Project?

I was watching The Florida Project. It was just literally almost like a documentary about these kids that wander around a motel and then they hang out. And I was watching the movie with my wife for like, I don't know, two and a half hours. And my own kids were downstairs. And I'm like, why the fuck am I watching these kids? My own kids are downstairs. It's a good movie.

Okay, ready? The gator bit a chunk out of the man's leg outside of a motel Tuesday night. Doesn't even say necessarily that he's even staying there. So also, if you're hanging around a motel. Just walking around. If you get shot, that's on you. You get bit by an alligator, why are you outside that fucking motel?

Where are you going, Jim? He's outside looking for the drug crocodile. Yes. Can I fit it up my butt? A gator bit a chunk out of the man's leg outside of a motel Tuesday night. Here's why it made its way into Dumb People Town. He taunted it. He taunted it.

He taunted it. The victim says it was dark out, and he mistook the gator for a dog on a leash. Here, boy. Here, boy. Just say you're drunk. Sit. Yeah. Sit.

No, I can see it. That's a good boy. You can see that it looks... And you're saying it looks like a dog, honey? What is that? What is that? Hold on. We should not be showing this yet, Craig. Why do you hate me so much? Don't show it. dog, honey? What is that? Hold on. We should not be showing this yet, Craig.

Why do you hate me so much? Don't show it. What is that? Okay, you guys didn't see it. I didn't see anything. Craig! Hold on. I need to fire Craig.

It's Craig. First things first. Guys, you don't understand. We're just a little podcast trying to do the best we can with a lot of listeners. I told Craig before the show, don't worry. I'll tell you exactly when to show the best we can with a lot of listeners. I told Craig before the show, don't worry, I'll tell you exactly when to show the photo. And Craig thought, fuck it, let's throw that son of a bitch out.

Hey, Dan, Dan, maybe he's doing this because his name is Greg. Oh, really? You know what? Keep calling him Greg. He's going to show the rest of them. I know. Okay, ready? I told Brett.

I said, Brett, you don't put that. Hold on, Randy. Is your argument fair? Let's hear about what Brett Brad did. Is this his name, Brett Brad? Gavis, don't you put that up there. This is his name, Brett Brad. Okay, ready?

Look, the fact that you thought that Greg's name was Craig is the same mistake this guy made thinking an alligator was a dog. That's right. What kind of breed is it? That's only relative if he's going to bite me after the show. Well, he did kind of bite you in the ass.

We're not even at a motel. What is that, a crocodile? Imagine the conversation this guy had with the alligator prior to getting bit. You lost, buddy? Hey, come here.

Come here. I'm not going to hurt you. Get over here. Now, for the people who didn't look at the huge screen on stage, how many feet long was the gator that this guy thought was a dog on a leash? Grant Lee Phillips, did you see it? That's a good 32-footer.

Easily. So it's a mega. We're going to need a bigger leash. We're going to need a bigger leash. We're going to need a bigger leash. I'm going to need a retractable leash. Let's run it down the line. All right, I'm going to say 12 feet. Seven feet.

So you think he thought a 12-foot alligator was a dog on a leash? Seven feet. Okay. Seven feet. Dusty, what do you think? I will say, I know that I'm supposed to pretend that I didn't see it. Yes. But I did see it.

That's fine. I want your guess. But prior to that that I didn't see it. Yes. But I did see it. That's fine. I want your guess. But prior to that, I thought about three foot. Okay. That's what I thought. Sure. Small little alligator. That's what I thought it was going to be.

Oh. Three foot. As I was hearing it, I had pictured a little alligator out there. And I love the folksy way that Dusty called it. About three foot. Sure. Yeah. Three feet?

No. About three. That alligator's about three foot. Sure. Three feet? No, about three. That alligator's about three foot. So I says, Brent, show him the picture. It's about three foot. You can call him any name you want.

He didn't do it at the right time. Alright. I love Brent. Here we go. Rachel, what do you get? Five feet? Five feet. I said seven. Okay. Five, three, seven. You said 12.

I can't go to the audience because I don't trust any of you. I know. So just do it. Grant said 35 feet long. Could you imagine? Could you imagine 35 foot? For sure. Yeah.

Okay. One of you is exactly right. It's me. It's me. Okay. No, it's me. Okay. I think me. Okay. No, it's me. Okay. I think it's me.

I'm going to stay with it. I don't trust anything anymore, so we're not even going to play the game who do you think is right. Okay. Dan's lost. But it was me. People at home didn't see it, so they can guess and shout at their ham radios. The alligator.

But this guy, do you think also he keeps saying leash because of the tail? Yes. He thinks the tail is a leash. The alligator that he thought was a dog on a leash was seven feet long. Oh, kid. Well done, Ravis. Didn't even see it. Ravis?

A witness. That would be a badass name just for the record. Travis? A witness says he ran outside and saw a deputy surrounding the gator. Quote, and we had this sergeant. He jumped in the middle of the back of that gator, folded him up, and taped him up into a ball.

If you know anything about me, none of that happened. I would never do a story about an animal taped into a ball. They probably taped his mouth shut. What's that? They probably taped the mouth shut. Have you seen an alligator have their mouth taped shut before?

Yes, I'm from Florida. You are from Florida. She's from Polk County. She was Miss Polk County in 2005. She's not from Polk County. Orange County. Yeah, but you won Miss Polk County. So you've seen someone tape up a gator mouth. Chris, can we see that photo?

No. Okay, now here's what I want people to take in. They did just tape them out. Too many cops, and they all look way too happy to take this photo. They're really smiling. They were like, hey, let's do one for the calendar. We're going to be the police department where nobody's pants fit.

They're just laughing and this guy doesn't have a calf muscle anymore. Well, that's on him. The victim was taken to a hospital. I love this part of the article too. This is when you know they let an intern write things. The victim was taken to the hospital. I love this part of the article, too. This is when you know they let an intern write things. The victim was taken to the hospital and is doing okay. Not even okay-ay.

O-kay. He's doing okay. Doing okay. Water is vital. They're okay. It's okay. Has he lost much blood? I mean, it's okay.

He's all right. Well, your stepdad is okay. Deputies believe the gator came from a drain near the motel. Gators come from wherever the hell they want. Dude, it's a motel. That thing came out of a toilet. You know what I mean? Well, it was definitely put into one at some point.

As a baby. And then it grew in there. We will get out of this show and this story. Before we go, we have some awesome shirts over there that we're going to sign. And some limited quantities, which people in New York probably will not get to buy. If you sell them out, you can screw people in New York. The other thing is we have posters that we will sign, limited edition posters that are amazing artist-friendly. Do you want a photo or a high-five?

I will say about the – I mean, I've spent a lot of time in Florida, and it's like, the further south you get in Florida, the bigger the lizards get. Right. I don't know where I was at, but pretty far south. And just walking along the road, this big iguana thing came out.

And I wanted to hang out and video it. But then I thought it would attack me, and then I wouldn't want to be out there kicking an iguana. Then some kid runs out of his house, he's like, oh, my iguana got out. And then I'm out there kicking it. Curbs stomping it.

Yeah, okay. How old? I also wanted to keep my calves. How old is the guy who thinks that a seven foot alligator is a dog on a leash? So, I imagine this happened

in the middle of the night just based on this photo. Yeah. Right? So picture somebody out by themselves near a motel assume that they're drunk.

Definitely wearing a button down and basketball shorts. I hope... Black socks and flip flops. I hope he walked past it and then was like, I want a dog. I want a dog.

Get over here. Let's go reverse. Rachel? 52. 52 years old. I'm gonna go 47. 47. Randy? I'm going to go 47. 47. Randy, I want him to be 78. And I'm going to go 78.

This guy could be 78 or 22. That's how dumb. This story encompasses everything. I'm going to say See You Later, Alligator Guy is 24. 24 years old. Grant, what do you think? 33. 33. With two people in the, what do you think? 33. 33. With two people

in the audience who haven't guessed yet tonight. This gentleman right here in the striped shirt. Sir, what's your name? Justin,

welcome to town. 58 years old. This woman right here with Vinny, what is your name? Kylie. 57. We got some

Price is Right shit going on. Trying to shut Justin out. Okay. Welcome to the Showcase going on. Trying to shut Justin out. Okay. Welcome to the Showcase Showdown. But this is Dump People Town, so you guys have to knife fight after the man who tried to rescue a dog gator. And we will leave everyone on this.

Are we doing any music or are we just saying goodbye and getting out of here? We're going to say goodbye and then Grant's going to do one more song. He definitely is the kind of guy who goes, look, I don't know who rescued you in this situation. Exactly. I don't know who took a chunk out of who, huh? He's also the kind of guy who's looked at a lot of women and former bosses and said, I'm not like that anymore.

I'm not like that anymore. He definitely says to no one in particular a lot. Fuck if I care. He's definitely drunk after shave. Sure. Okay. He watches UFC fights on TikTok. Okay, ready?

I do that. So do I. Okay, ready? He is... I don't even remember who was closest. Just celebrate if you think you won. He is 49 years

old. Dusty Slade! He knew it. You guys are close. You guys, I want to thank Rachel Lickman. Go check out Program 4. Dusty Slade. Go check out Program 4. Thank you for joining us. You're going to need it. Dusty Slay.

Go see his show here in Nashville. And Grant Lee Phillips. We're the Sklar Brothers. He's Daniel Van Kirk. We love you guys, Non-People Town. And oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Thank you. Grant, play us out, my man. Oh, teary like the 4th of July

Proud as a plume But I don't know why Some folks don't go And bury their face I'd nickle what I got on the plow Flash them a grain, toss them a cow Going away for the rest of the days Rats in a barrel won't coach no tears out of me

And a barrel won't coach no tears out of me Cause they just bring misery Don't need it going through my grave Or running through our house I'm done with mercy, I'm all tapped out I read a couple school books once Done with mercy, I'm all tapped out. I read a couple school books once. Mama never raised a dunce, but some things still leave me itching my head. How people who get up at the dawn and toil the way can still get calm believing what some liar has said.

Rats in a barrel won't coach no tears out of me because they just bring misery. Because they just bring misery Don't need them going through my grave Or running through our house I'm done with mercy I'm all tapped out Hear them feelin' loud Lookin' scared

Took my marching orders from that man up there Hear them people laugh, I got caught up But you can't go throwin' punches when you're in the cops. Old Lincoln saw it all go down. Almost looked like the first time round On that January day Rats in a barrel won't cause no tears out of me Because they just bring misery

Because they just bring misery Don't need them going through my grave Or running through our house I'm done with mercy, I'm all tapped out Rats in a barrel won't coax no tears out of me Because they just misery Don't need them going through my grave Or running through our house I'm done with mercy now I'm done with mercy now I'm done with mercy now

I'm done with mercy I'm all tapped out Thank you guys very much. Thank you guys so much. Thank you. Thank you, Grant. Good night, everybody. Good night.