Dumb People Town - DPT LIVE - Greg Fitzsimmons, Brad Morris, and Barry Fontenot - Red, Dead Dementia

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome in Chicago! In story one, a man squashes a world record. In story two, a man tries to hide a gun after a terrible mistake. The second story is about airdropping nudes. The last story is about the wildest way to try to poison your husband... And special musical guest Barry Fontenot!

Star Beans, out of here. They couldn't make this up, so listen to our podcast jam with co-host our man Dan. Ben Kirk, don't be a jerk. Because when the music quits, the funny ends. Stick around, make a sound, hunker down. It's Dumb People Town. Barry Bartnell! It's dumb people town. Barry Votno! Get out here! Dude, amazing.

Hold tight. Barry Votno. Hold tight. Barry. Oh, my God. I'll take all of that you got. Wow. Wow.

Chicago bringing it. Yeah, you're there. We steal that. I know. You guys didn't know that Jason was part of a Japanese rap team. Jason looks like he's on the marketing team for Cadbury eggs. I'm transitioning into a baked potato. You literally look like something someone wins out of a claw machine.

You look like this is the coat you give your mom when she says she's cold and it's just the fall. Take it easy, guy who says, is this a real ranch? This is what happens the day after someone really gets into the movie, there will be blood. Randy, I know I look like Nicki Minaj's lawyer, but you look like you train snakes to be on movie sets.

Hey, man, you got to have a backup to the backup of a rattler. If you get on the red line train tonight, someone's going to go, oh, racist. And they'd be wrong. Of course they would be, but the hat. You look like a sergeant in the Kiss Army. This is the type of hat that makes people think that I think they're teaching the wrong thing in schools. Jason looks like, on coat alone, he says,

don't hit me too hard. Randy, you look like they forced you to move your gift shop away from the entrance of the Grand Canyon. Your unsanctioned gift shop. Unofficial. What are you saying? People don't want Grand Manion mugs? Jason looks like he just got fired as a background dancer from a Puff Daddy video.

A Puff Daddy video from 1997. What other one would there be? Randy, you look like you're a nuisance in New Mexico. Jason's the guy at dinner who keeps going, is it hot in here? But won't take it off.

I refuse to take it off. I'm going to be drenched in about five minutes. Jason's embarrassing other people's kids at a bar mitzvah. Let's back up. What's up, guys? You having a good time? That's what he says to the other kids. That's what I say to kids at a bar mitzvah.

Just get away. Get him away from the iPads that are taking pictures. Jason looks like he had too much money to go on the hike. You kids on TikTok, what are your handles? I'll follow you guys. No, no, no. What are your handles?

I'll take the photos in the photo booth. I can do this, Jay. How hot are you in that coat? I'm so fucking hot. You're so dying. You're dying. Oh, really? Because I figured you'd just keep telling people,

I'll leave it on, it breathes. That's right. Just Jason sweating bullets. What time do you have to be at the Macy's Day Parade? He gets blown up pretty hot. That's right. Dude, you were so good in Batman when poison came out of your throat.

That was awesome. Guys, I have a way to make pumpkin spice CBD. I want to tell you all about it. It's for the fall. Dan, when you were talking about blood coming out of the foot, I was like, that was a deep cut in the foot and the reference. You look like a guy giving an instructional video called, so you're going to burning, man. You got to be prepared is all like the wind storms up there.

I don't know. All right. So for real, though. Yeah. Good luck running for Congress in Arizona. You look great. Yeah. I'm a one issue.

For the listener at home. I look perfect Dan Dan looks like 11 other guys I saw here in Chicago You know what Not with this jacket Seriously we left Dan

Like we left him He drove away in a car And then we saw a guy in a jean jacket We're like Dan Is that you Dan We left him. Like one second away. He drove away in a car. He drove away in a car, and then we saw a guy in a jean jacket who was wearing something. We're like, Dan? Dan? Dan? Is that you, Dan?

No, we just left him. We're watching your car drive. We have beards and girth. It's how you keep warm in the winter. Should we get the show started? Let's get the show started. Look who's over here. Well, we're going to find out in a second.

You guys want to meet our guest? Well, first, but should we say it? Oh, we should say it. Guys, welcome to a live episode of Dumb People Town. Population U, thank you for being here. The Den Theater. I always forget to say it. All right, let's bring out our guest because this, first of all, we'll bring our first guest.

He is one of our oldest friends in comedy. We had a show. We had shows together on MTV in 1997. Yes. When this coat would have made sense on Jason. All right. He is just one of the best comics ever to do it. He gave me my first advice in podcasting, and he doesn't even know it.

It said, get out. No, he's a genius, and he doesn't even know it. Get out. He's a genius and he's going to be doing a full set of comedy here tomorrow night. So if you like him here tonight, go see him tomorrow night. Please welcome our good friend Greg Fitzsimmons. Greg Fitzsimmons! Fitz Dog!

I'll give you a hug. You take one of these chairs. By the way, if these guys, do you know that if the tops of their bald heads touch, it's six more weeks of spring. That is true. We're going to do it. Which is about how much longer Jason's going to be wearing that coat. Do you want it? I'll let you borrow it.

First of all, you beat the dead horse, and then I come out, and I can't take a couple shots. Take a couple shots! He looks like somebody who's afraid he might be trapped in a car someday. Yeah, that the airbag deployed on him. He is the airbag. He is the airbag. I look like I walk around saying, Hi, my name is Hi.

It's not just that you bought the coat. It's that you were like Gold right Gold It's just sad That there's an entire Flock of geese That gave their lives

To that piece of shit And they were all In vain They died in vain Should we bring out Our next guest Yo suit He's out here

And we found this out Today He's our Chicago Spirit animal Oh my god He is a Second city legend You may know him He's out here, and we found this out today. He's our Chicago spirit animal. Oh, my God. He is a Second City legend. You may know him from the fantastic show he was on playing house. He played Jessica St. Clair.

He's one of the funniest people I've ever known. He also gave me advice at Second City and was at the Ale House the first time I had beer poured on me there. There you go. Won't be the last. We'll be there later tonight. No, he is amazing. And if you know our other podcast, View from the Cheap Seats, he does Christoph Waltz on there. He does Javier Bardem.

And he does Ozzy Guillen. And if you're really nice, we'll let him do it here tonight. Please welcome our friend Brad Morris. Brad Morris. My guy. My guy. He's my guy. There you go

I love Dan I love him How are you? Brad Brad So I mean do you know

It's a federal crime To introduce blindly Someone as a Second City legend And then have it be me No No Come on That's a great point actually

This is a great point Yeah Second City legend Alan Arkin Yeah Welcome to the stage be me. No, no. Come on. That's a great point, actually. This is a great point. Second City Legend, Alan Arkin. Welcome to the stage, Miriam Flynn. Alan Arkin or Alan Alda, just like an Alan. Any of the Alans. Do you have any things to say about Jay's coat right here? You like my coat? You like that? I do like

it. That's all we needed. It's sort of, it's that McDonald's, it's the nugget mustard. It is the nugget mustard. That's what makes him a Second City legend. Thank you. And that was his nickname in Second City, gold nugget mustard over there.

When you get back in Chicago, do you just start like thinking like Ozzy Guillen? That is my question. I'm not trying to make you do Ozzy. Oh no, I'm going to make him do it. I'm not making you do it. I like to think that there's a part of me, like 20% of me, just is constantly channeling

Ozzy. Because he's more than a voice. He's a philosopher. Philosopher? He's a philosopher. That's the way he's saying it. He wants all the nugget mustard, that guy. All the nugget mustard. And our bit with Brad constantly with Ozzy Guillen is that

former disgraced... Well, not disgraced. He won a World Series with the White Sox in 2005, and then he went to go get another job with the Miami Marlins and showed up drunk to a press conference. Okay, but so did the most recent manager of the Chicago White Sox. Right, right. So he's

alive still. Guys. But may he rest in peace. I just want him to get a good night. Right. He's alive still. But may he rest in peace. I just want him to get a good night's sleep. But Ozzy Guillen is, you walk around the city and you... Yeah, like right now in the fall especially.

Can you be eating more things? Second City eating legend. That's on Clark. First world thing. Improv. Always be eating. Always be eating.

A, B, E. I don't like to eat all the time. Okay, I see. But sometimes I love to eat. Okay. Because I'm hungry. You're hungry. But nobody respects what I eat.

He's like the Rodney Dangerfield of Baseball Mania. He's the Rodney Dangerfield of Baseball Mania. Because you get no respect. And he's on the post-game show. Local. Local any winner. Local any winner. With Chuck Garfine.

Chuck Garfine for all the real fans out there. Chuck came to one of the last shows we did in Chicago. Did you guys know that? Yes. Chuck Garfine looked like

a perpetual bar mitzvah boy. Yes. And slightly annoyed to be there. Yeah. No, he's like, this is so cool.

I get to be with Ozzy Gyan. Why has no one hired you, Ozzy, to be a manager? I think it's the alcoholism. That they have. That they have. That they have.

That they have. I mean, I love, I just, he's like, I mean, I don't want to get, yeah. It's just like, he deserves a statue as much as, to me, anyone in this city. Sure. He's still here. I once walked down in this neighborhood with a friend of mine, walked down like a Walcott in the summer and smelled some great meat being grilled, as you sometimes would get in Chicago. As one would. And looked over and did a double take.

He's just grilling steaks at like 3 p.m. on a Saturday alone. Alone. I don't know if this will land for anybody but me and you. I literally thought you were going to say, it's just him and Gary Fensick. Former Chicago bear. The hit man. Anyway.

That's amazing. Well, I'm happy you're here. As is customary for the guests, before we get into our first story, we like to do What Is Your Florida Man? We take your birthday. Your birthday. Florida man birthday. What Florida man thing happened illustriously on your birthday?

Barry, are you still here? Okay, good, because you're next. All right. Brad Morris, I have your birthday as August 16th. Is that right? That just happened. Congratulations. One of the times I...

A quarter ago. Have another two cough drops in honor in the middle of the show. When you were on your way here, were you like, I'll be done with this Halls by the time... It is a Halls. Of course it's a Halls. It's a Halls. Okay. It's not a Luton's.

Come on, guys. Here's your headline. From August 16th of some year. Okay. Florida man arrested after chugging $7 bottle of wine in Walmart bathroom. That's hitting for the cycle right there. There are no cameras in there.

I imagine that the employees do that every day at a Walmart. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. But this guy... You want to hear the blurb? Yes. A man was inside a Walmart on US 19 when he allegedly tucked a bottle of barefoot Riesling. Which, by the way, a Riesling. Yeah.

Nice taste. It's a nice taste. You mean barefoot makes a Riesling? They do. It's a dessert wine. All right. I would love to hear Ozzy. That's the headline right there.

I would love to hear Ozzy Guillen describe barefoot. A lot of people don't like a Riesling, Bob. if you're going to have a fondue, that's your wine. It's a dessert wine. You can pair it with a lot. It's much more versatile. That's a good wine. People say it's too sweet, but have you ever had a dry Riesling? That's nice.

That's a nice wine. I would listen to Ozzy Guillen talk about wine shows all day long. If we did a wine podcast, I would listen to Ozzy Guillen Talk about wine shows All day long If we did a wine podcast I would listen to it forever I feel like I can't make fun of him You ever have an oaky merlot? Really oaky

I don't like the Sometime with the Some kind of the cask That they use I don't like that one Wow that's so specific And I like a biodynamic one. As a person who, at 20 years old,

was regularly buying boons from the corner of Irving Park and Sheridan, I can't say much about people drinking barefoot. So let me ask this. Greg Fitzsimmons, you come home to your wife

with a bottle of barefoot wine. Sure. Are you getting a scowl or... Nice job, honey. You picked some decent wine. Well, my wife's an alcoholic. Oh, jeez. So you will get a scowl.

I'm getting whatever I want. Yeah, yeah. Okay, good. She's just happy it's in glass. Yeah. I can't make fun of her. She's here tonight. My wife is in the audience.

So this guy, he tucked a bottle of barefoot Riesling wine into his pants and walked straight into the bathroom. While in the restroom, the man took out said bottle from his hiding spot. That makes it feel weird. Hiding spot. By the way, that's what he's called his crotch for his entire life.

The hiding spot. It's also his favorite strip club. That's right. That's perfect. Where's daddy? He's at the hiding spot. Well, you're not supposed to know that. Oh, he's in his fort.

Am I the only person thinking, I'll take you to the hiding spot? No? Okay. It's the candy shop. He took the said bottle from his hiding spot. Also, I just want the cop to be like, where'd you have it, man? In my hiding spot. He drank it all before tossing away the container with ease as if nothing had happened at all. The man was arrested at the scene by Pinellas Park Police.

Would you like to take a look at this man? Yes. This is your Florida man right here. Let's bring it up. Ready? Theo Vaughn? Wow. He does.

His name is on the comedy store wall, but they had to cancel him. You guys want to guess how old he is? Yes. This is just for us on stage. 40. Is he MacGyver? This is Florida age. 40.

58. Okay. Brad? Yeah, I'm going 54. Okay. This man is 27 years old. That's a lot of barefoot in the old bathroom, if you know what I mean.

Farrell Sklar? I said 40. 40? I'm starting to think the hiding spot could be his nose. Greg. Greg, you're going to get canceled. Okay. No, he's not. One of you is one year off, but I will tell you in the sake of getting through this show, he is not. One of you is one year off. Okay. But I will tell you, in the sake of getting through this show,

he is 55 years old. Fitz dog. That's right in my neighborhood. That's right. That's right in the old. That's a cautionary tale. Barry. Take it easy.

Barry of Barry and the Fountains, where are you? Did I lose you? I love that I told him he was next. He's coming out. He's coming out with a microphone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Barry's getting a microphone. This is for my coat.

Okay. You have a stand, but no mic. That's okay. Jay, give him your mic. Okay. Okay, Barry. Yes. I could not find your birthday online.

You're a secretive fella. But your YouTube channel, which everyone should go to and subscribe and watch your clips. They're phenomenal. Was founded on June 24th. Okay. That's my anniversary. Well, then you guys are going to share this Florida man. I only have a headline and really it's all we need.

Let's hear it. Headline from June 24th of whatever year. Florida man arrested after punching dad during argument over Kool-Aid. There you go. Hey, Kool-Aid. Bam. I'm going to throw you through that fucking wall.

Well, at least that's not brand, dad. Oh, yeah. COVID escalated a lot of domestic arguments. That's very true, Barry. Congrats. You have your Florida man for the rest of your life. Also, I have a vague feeling we did that story. I think we probably did.

By the way, if Punch's dad is in your description, I don't think you can be a man. Like Florida boy Punch's dad. Or at least asshole. By the way, it was Kool-Aid, missed opportunity, should have been Hawaiian punch. That was good. At Sklar Brothers, thumbs up from us.

Okay, Greg. I have your birthday is April 5th. Correct. That's your birthday? Happy birthday. No one cares! This isn't a goddamn town hall. It is. It is a city official only meeting. Wait for new business.

Email your concerns to the city council. April 5th. I care. I care. Okay, ready? Yep. Headline. Florida man accused of stealing ambulance, getting it stuck in mud.

Yeah. Now, not that great of a headline. Let's look at the person. Ready? Here we go. Oh. Can you guys see that? Shazam.

Exactly. The image I sent you was cropped and way up closer than this. There we go. There we go. He's his own Bowie. That's right. Knife. He's Ziggy Dumbdust.

He's a Tampa Bay Lightning fan. That's right. Huge. And also, who stole that ambulance? Oh, I don't know. Were there any bizarre markings on it? I don't know. I think he was a Chargers fan.

I mean, his forehead looks like the back of Scottie Pippen's head. Yes. Also, Greg, I've never said this. Your Florida man is definitely an insurrectionist. Oh, yeah. He was there that day. He tried to get there. He got stuck in the mud.

Sure. When paramedics returned from dropping off a patient at Oak Hill Hospital in Brooksville, they realized the ambulance had been stolen, and deputies said they determined Trey Cornwell. That's who you got. Trey Cornwell. Trey Cornwell. Trey Cornwell of Weeki Wachee. Now, I imagine that has some indigenous people significant i know i know some i've been to

wiki watch have you really and i'll tell you what happens in wiki watch what happens it stays in wiki watch all right well it gets stuck in the mud there's a state there's a state park there that has a lagoon in it and people who are um into mermaid play uh- play go there to be mermaids and mermen. And it is a full, I don't even know that you can call it cosplay, because there might be even some surgical procedures that happen. Oh, stop it. Beyond cosplay. No, no, look it up.

You're going water world on me? Yeah, a little bit. Wait. It's a wiki watch. A wiki watchy. It's beyond gospel. No, no, look it up. You're going water world on me? Yeah, a little bit. Wait. It's a wiki watch. A wiki watchy. A wiki watch. Do they pray to Daryl Hannah? Like, is she their God?

They actually pray to Daryl Hammond. Okay. Because they got it wrong. They just didn't know. You know, and that's the wiki watchy way. Just adjust it one little. I love all of our first responders, okay? Yes.

However. Take the keys out and. Just adjust it one little. I love all of our first responders, okay? Yes. However. Take the keys out and don't leave it running. Or maybe when you step out of the ambulance, do a quick survey. If this carnival barker is anywhere. Anywhere near. There's a guy with a lightning bolt on his face chewing his cheek over there. Should I leave it running? I'll just leave it running and run inside and get a coffee. I do like

the look he's giving in the mugshot is, can you believe it? And I think he can thank that patch of mud because look where he was headed. He was on a mission to submerge the fucking ambulance. Greg, you are a perfect Dumpy Wotan guest. Drake Cornwell

is accused of driving the stolen ambulance miles away to Port Court in Spring Hill where he got stuck in the sand and mud as he was driving towards a body of water. Yeah. He looks like David Lee

raw. David Lee wrong is what he looks like. Might as well jump. There you go. Might as well drop. Might as well jump. Might as well jump.

Okay. Those are our Florida birthday people. Yes. All right. Now, as you guys know, we have started a new format in the show. Daniel gets to play along with some of these. I'm working part time.

I'm working part time. Each of us do a story. This is something we literally, this is the fourth time we've ever done it. Second live one we've ever done. Each of us do it. So I get the first story. Are you guys ready? Sometimes I just leave the

stage, guys. It's wonderful. Dan takes a walk. Here we go. Naturist. Oh, sorry. This story. I was going to read the headline, but you're right. It was sent in by

Carleen McDermott at Chibi Carleen. She sends at ChibiCarleen. She sends in a lot of our best stringers. With all our chance, and I have another podcast that's already touching on this, but with all our chance,

we're getting closer and closer to a cult. How many chance makes you a cult? At least three. Yeah, that's it. Three? Yeah. Naturist nicknamed How many chance makes you a cult? At least three. Yeah, that's it. Three in there? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three in your cult. All right.

Naturist nicknamed the Naked Carpenter is sentenced to jail after walking into a police station, exposing his genitals in see-through thong and trousers. Also shortened the headline. You know what I mean? Yeah, there were so many left turns in there. Right? So a naturist nicknamed the Naked Carman who walked to a police station

and exposed his manhood in see-through thong and trousers has been jailed for a period of time. Oh, great. You're going to bring him inside the room where he was just naked? Yeah. How long do you think he was...

I'm going to go straight out the gate. How long was he jailed for? First of all, he gave himself that nickname, right? The naturist? No, isn't he the naked carpenter? He's the naked carpenter, but also... Which, by the way, sounds like the most avant-garde restaurant ever. That's right.

Have you eaten at the naked carpenter? They turn the lights off. You're not allowed to talk to the chef. It's only apps. No knives, just saws. Just saws? Yeah. Miter saws? Yeah. Miter saws.

You put the chicken in the little box and then you saw it up. Communal seating to start and by the end everyone has two tops. If you do it right. Yeah.

You make your own two tops. So how long do you think he was put in jail for this little stunt of walking in? So he walked into the police station and said, look at me with see-through clothes. And see-through under and a thong. See-through clothes is not naked.

See-through clothes is Kardashian. Yeah. True, but this guy. It's not illegal. They said he exposed himself in a way that was, he exposed himself. How long do you think he got in jail for that? I mean, it's never enough for people. I think it was a long, hard week.

There you go. That's it. Three days? Three days. Two days? Three days. What do you think? Fuck.

Where did this happen? I think it happened in England. Oh, okay. Oh, in England. Yeah. Right, right, right. If England, then shoot. They don't even carry guns.

That's longer. Yeah. They don't even carry guns. That's longer. Yeah. They don't even carry guns. I'm going to go, I'll go a week. Week? Jay, what do you think? I want to say 32 years. And they just forgot about him and he's in the cell.

Why don't they make him, I mean, he's a carpenter. Give him 33. He can have a Jesus term. That's right. I'm religious. We get it. He built his own Jesus complex. All right.

He's a carpenter. I'm going to say four days. Four days. Brad, what do you think? I think it was a couple days. A couple days. All right. He has been jailed for 12 months.

Oh, good. Right? If you're a guy or girl, but especially it seems to be a male problem, and you're like, you know what? Everybody wants to see my dick. Without me asking,

you get to go away for a while. 12 months. I love that you brought up the Kardashians because this guy's name is Robert Jenner. No. Lil' Bobby J? Bobby Jenner is Robert Jenner. No. Little Bobby J? Bobby Jenner. Bob Jenner.

Little Bobby Jenner, who has gained notoriety in the past for his revealing behavior, was dressed in the flimsy mesh-type garments just hours after being released from prison for previous offenses of exposure. So once he's out, this is a compound offense.

He obviously has a real problem, but I would say his biggest problem is context. Because he walked into a police station with see-through clothes on where if he had just gone to a fucking pride parade, he would have been fine. He would have been a hero. It would have been like, oh, you're part of the party, you weird ass.

But see, for him, it's about offending people. Right. So as well as being on a wiener circle, they would have insulted him. That's right. He literally. That's off menu. A penis wrapped in mesh. It would look like a dolphin in a net. Someone release it.

Like those seals that they save on the beach. Yeah. You got to hold him down and cut him out of it. That's right. And he's screaming the whole time. It's just like his rendition, like a physical enactment of the cove, I feel like. A court heard the first police officer he met could see the, and I'm not going to say how old he is,

we'll get to it later, this gentleman's genitals. But she asked a colleague to confirm her sighting as she was not wearing her glasses. I mean, I see it. Randy? But I don't see it. Hey, Charlotte, come in here. Look at this little thing.

What is that little thing over there? I can't tell why it's so small. I am so proud of you right now because as I've been saying in one form or another, 10 years. Yeah. There is always a part in the story where you go. Well, this is why the guy

being problematic toxic masculinity bullshit sexual assaulter. Sure. But a woman who says I don't have my glasses. Tell me if that's a dick over there is dumb people. Tom.

By the way, smashing British accent. Thank you. Just because they're dumb, they don't have to have southern accent. Hey, she's an expat who's trying to get

into law enforcement. I'm not even going to embarrass myself. All right, then, love, come in here. Let me know. All right. Let me know.

Is that his shaft? Is that his knob? Is that his pecker? I All right. Let me know. Is that his shaft? Is that his knob? Is that his pecker? I don't have my glasses on. Is that his knob? That's a dick in it. Isn't it? That's my favourite.

He's got a bit of a dick out, doesn't he? That's a bit of a dick in it. I'm feeling the bell end on this one. He probably shouldn't do that, though, should he? I can see his Prince Charles through that. And I want to be a Prince Andrew, so come on in here. If this is a comedy sketch, right? Brenda brings in David.

David walks in and goes, I hate to admit this to you, love. I forgot to put in my contacts today. We're going to have to get Jonathan in here. And then Jonathan walks in and he's like, I just poured bleach in my contacts today. That's right. We're going to have to get Jonathan in here. And then Jonathan walks in. He's like, I just poured bleach in my eyes. You just keep going. Or you bring in Jonathan and it's guest star Stevie Wonder. Okay.

Perfect. And Jonathan's like, yeah, I see it. But in real life, she had to go get a co-worker. That's right. To say, do we have a dick eye? I'm not wearing my glasses. I don't know. When quizzed why that morning he had not simply put on the kind of underwear bought in Marks and Spencer,

the former Princess of Wales Regiment infantryman who served in the Iraq War replied that he had put on the first thing that came to hand. To which I would say the first thing that came to mind. To which I would say the first thing that came to mind? It's just my personal thing right there. However, the judge was told by prosecutor Simon Sanford can't get more of an English name. So he fought in Iraq. Yeah. So thank you for your service.

I would say you better desert shield that fucking thing. Or get out of here. Sklar brothers. Wait, who's Simon? Simon Sanford was told by, he was the prosecutor, that it was the most unlikely he had left prison

wearing the see-through clothes and therefore must have changed into them before going to see the police about reclaiming his mobile phone. So he had clothes on leaving the prison. They weren't going to be like, you can walk out in these. Wait, Randy,

either I missed it or you buried this. The argument here is he was let go from prison on a previous offense. For exposing himself. And his defense was, these are the clothes they gave me when I left. To which they're like, there's no way the prison gave you this mesh,

see-through, crotchless thing. Which if they did though, great prank. I mean, look mesh is the new black I think is the name of the series. So then he's saying fine I was there to get my phone or that's what they're saying. I had to go back in and get my phone. Which is a flip.

Obviously. It's a Nokia Pebble just like his dick. It's a flop. Alright. which is obviously it's a Nokia. I would just like his dick. It's a flop. All right. Jenner of no fixed address. Well, you knew that. Oh, claimed at his trial that how he dresses is a human right and denied breaching the CBO, saying that he covered his manhood. But he didn't because he was just wearing flesh. But a jury at Maidstone Crown Court, Kent,

took how many minutes to reject his defense and find him guilty? So everyone in the courtroom, I'm imagining, including the stenographer, is wearing one of those white powdered wigs. For sure. I would have taken it. Everybody.

And just for fun, because it's me, I would have taken it, and just for fun, because of me, I would have taken a tiny white powder wig and put it on his All right. You will respect the court. All right, then, love. Brenda, you are on Earth here. Can you please point to the penis you had a treble seeing on the day of? I didn't bring my glasses

in, David. Alright, so how many minutes did it take for the jury to take his defense of these are the clothes they gave me, I just went back in to get my mobile phone and so I should be fine and I should be let off. How many minutes did it take a jury? Dan, what do you think? Ten minutes. Okay.

Jay, what do you think? Was there a police lineup where they had like nine dicks in a row where she had to identify? I'm going to say 30 seconds. 30 seconds? That's all the jury? Greg, what do you think? I'm going to say three and a half hours because they got to make tea. They got to watch a soccer match.

Three and a half hours. Brad? I think it was a couple hours. Okay. Does anybody out here have any guesses? We'll take a couple. Raise your hand if you would like to guess. Oh, come on. Now you don't want to talk?

Because I yelled at one person. It's my birthday. Why not toss it right here? What is your name? What is it? Dave. Okay. Welcome to town.

How long do you think? Five minutes. Okay. Right here. Katie. Hi, Katie. Hi, Katie. Seven minutes. Okay, right here. Hi, Katie. Seven. Seven minutes. Okay, here we go.

It took a jury, a Maidstone Court Kent jury, 15 minutes to reject his offense and find him guilty. This is such a long story. I'm going to try and continue to go through. Pass the maximum sentence today for such a breach of fence, Judge Charles McDonald QC

said the jury saw just through his pack of lies. He's getting a little cheeky, isn't he? He peaked his blinder. He told Jenner there's a long and persistent history of behavior. I want you to think of everything he's saying as just laced with sexual innuendo.

I hate to give you the shaft, love. There's a long and persistent history of behavior that is inexcusably criminal and continuing the risk of criminal and antisocial behavior. A very long and very persistent. Very stiff penalties. You guys are going to get canceled. All that story of a top covering is

just a pack of lies the jury saw through. This repeat of things showing complete contempt for the court of law. They continued on whatever. I would like to show you. Let me see if I can do it. You have a pic? I have a whole thing on this. Jesus. No, we do need to.

We need to. This is the image you will all see right before you die. Ladies and gentlemen. This is our version of the ring. You will all die. You see it and then you die. If you don't give...

He's in shape. He is not bad looking. He is, you guys. To me. I only speak for myself. He looks like a... Did you hear the collective weight?

Wait a minute. Ooh, he looks like a homeless David Chokache. I don't. He's choking something. There he is. Here he is. Let's go up to the next one. I think that guy was on the show Lost.

This is my favorite picture right here. Excuse me. I was just sawing right here. Has anybody seen my hammer? Dude, he does not skip lat day. And the tiny Am I in the way? Are people seeing this?

Can you see this? He's got a tiny little. I'm starting to wonder if something's maybe just a little different, and that's what's freaking people out. Like, maybe he's got a Phillips head. Yeah, maybe he's got a... Either way, he's screwing something. Also, he's wearing Tevas. And by the way, you know he knows how long his penis is.

Yeah. He has a tape measure. And it's in centimeters to make it sound longer. Also, I don't know how many has ever done woodworking. And for the listener at home, this will all be up on the social media. Now, go back down to where we were. Go back down to the great picture. Keep going.

Keep going. That's not how you use a bench. That's right. He's literally sawing his workbench. For a guy that should be very concerned about splinters, that is not the position you want to be in. Yeah, exactly. Now, look. You want to cut your goddamn thigh open?

You can do that all day. Okay? That is not. He's not passing OSHA. That's all I'm saying. Dan, this is his LinkedIn photo. He's just trying to network, guys. Now I wonder, is he trying

to prove a point about what is and isn't clothing? That's it. It's clearly a breach of criminal behavior. He was arrested and on caution replied, this was his reply, pants have been washed a lot. That's why he's saying. Presuming they'd been washed so much

That they'd be falling off That they'd be coming see-through This guy I don't want to say this It's so obvious But he is a tool This guy is The court heard the clothing

Was placed on a mannequin By police for the purposes Of taking photographs for evidence With a piece of brown tape covering his penis. So that's what they did. Wait, for real? Yeah. So with all that we know, you look at him and you look at this guy.

How old is Mr. Jenner right here? Does Jim Carrey play him in his life story? I don't know. Look at him. Aaron Eckhart does. Called Knock on My Wood. Alright. How old, Dan? How old do you think he is? 36 years old. 36 years old. No, Aaron Eckhart does. Called Knock on My Wood. All right. How old, Dan? How old do you think he is?

36 years old. 36 years old. Jay, what do you think? I think he's like 42. 42? Fitzy, you were in the wheelhouse before. He's 38. 38.

Why are you so confident? Because it's how I am. Okay. There you go. He doesn't need glasses to see that he's 38. He knows that confidence is an aphrodisiac and his wife is in the room. Okay. There you go. He doesn't need glasses to see that he's 38. He knows that confidence is an aphrodisiac and his wife is in the room. Okay. There you go.

I've got the Darjeeling wine. Or is it Barefoot? Barefoot wine. A Riesling. A Riesling. All right. So, Brad, how old? Well, I'm going 38 now as well.

No, you can't go 38. You've got to be around. I'll take 39. 39. Wow. Okay. A couple of guesses in the crowd. Do you have one right here? Yes. What's your name? What's your name? Hi, Amy. Welcome to do your own. I'll take 39. 39. Wow. Okay. A couple of guesses in the crowd. Do you have one right here?

Yes. What's your name? What's your name? Hi, Amy. Welcome to town. 32. He looks shitty for 32. Jesus.

Or maybe he looks perfect. Anybody else have a... Right back there. Yes. Say your name. 37. 37. What was your name?

Hey, thanks for coming, buddy. Okay. One more. We'll take one more. Anybody have one more guess? Okay. Right there. Yes.

34. 34. All right. Mr. All right. Mr. Jenner. I want to be like, hey, Judd Apatow, this is 40. Okay, fine. All right. Might be 46.

So do you want to change this? No, I said 42. Yeah, I'm going to go 46. 46. All right. Everybody at home who's listening, get your answers in. Because this guy, Rob Jenner, is the naked carpenter. A naturist or naturalist or naturist?

I'm not what guy. I don't know. Either or. I think the word you're looking for is asshole. Wait, am I pronouncing that right? Naturist or naturalist? Asshole. Okay, great.

He is 48 years old. Whoa! Wow. There, great. He is 48 years old. Whoa! Wow. There we go. Jury's just a bunch of haters. That's right. And that is our first story. First story.

First story. Am I going to be a mic stand or he'll get his own mic stand? No, we'll put that in there. And we're going to invite Barry back up to sing another song. Barry's coming back up. You can use Jay's mic. Barry, you're coming. Here you go. So

Barry's going to do a song and then I'm going to do story number two. Are you guys having fun in Dumb People Town? All right. It's a very tight stage. Here we go. Take it away and feel free to adjust. Hey again, everybody. This song is called It Ain't So Easy.

That's a good title because then if it doesn't go well you can go, well that's... It was so easy. Harder than it looks. The subtle plea for mercy. Not part of the song, just tuning up. It's part of the song, just tuning up. It's part of while since I've seen your face Since you've been in my arms

Since I wanted you there Love vanished without a trace I'm immune to your charms, I just don't care Whoa, whoa, imagine if I'd understood The way you wanted me to The kind of man I could be And some nights I would pretend that I could But it'd never be true What if it mattered to me But it ain't so easy

Anyhow No, it ain't so easy In the here and now He never found it easy Just to live And I know I'm not that easy to forgive. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can't bring myself to ask where you've been.

To hear what I've done It's not my concern I can't listen to this lecture again I'm aware I was wrong I don't plan to learn Whoa, whoa, it's easy Just to sit there and judge To say how could you Take the high road, it's fine And it'll bring you satisfaction the way it always does.

Hope it sees you on through. I'll take my own road, it's mine. But it ain't so easy anyhow. No, it ain't so easy in the here and now. You never found it easy just to live. And I know I'm not that easy to forgive. Whoa. Thanks, everybody.

That was wonderful. Barry Fontenot, one more time. Barry and the Fountains. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. This show, guys, is sponsored by BetterHelp. And navigating any of life's challenges can make you feel unsure, whether it's a career change, new relationship, or becoming a parent.

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Don't miss out on this limited time offer on Common Goods. They are all out of the ordinary. Barry, how can people, if people hear and people listening to this podcast, when they hear it, how can people follow you, consume your music, follow you and all that stuff? Well, we're on Instagram. I run a seven-piece soul band called Barry and the Fountains out here in Chicago. Nice.

We've got a show coming up on the 22nd at Epiphany Center for the Arts on the west side. All of you guys go. Hit it. Hit it. Get there. Thank you very much. And yeah, you can follow us on all the platforms at Barry and the Fountains. Hey, Barry and the Fountains.

There we go. You got it. You're going to have some new fans, my friend. I'm telling you. Ozzy. Someday Dumb People Town is going to be so big that you can afford the whole band. Yeah. No, no.

We can't afford. It's going to be awesome. Maybe we can get three of them next time. That would be great. Ozzy, you like that? I love that. You love that music? I love that music, yeah.

Because you seem like you're in a great mood. I'm in a great mood right now, yeah. But you don't have a job. No. And then when I think about that, then I'm depressed about that. It's all right. Well, how can we get you out of it?

I don't know because it seems like I can't get a job. Well, you spent some time working at Williams-Sonoma. I'm over at Williams-Sonoma, yeah. And maybe talking about the small things you sell there might make you happier. I love to sell a ramekin. I like to sell everything, but mostly my favorite thing, when people say to me, because it's a great word. It is a great word.

People say, hey, I need a ramekin. Yeah. Or they say, I'm going to make omelet at home for my family, but I want to do it like I'm at a nice resort. You want to do it like an omelet station. And we like a little dish for my mise en place. Sure. And I say, I know what you need.

You need a ramekin. And I had never heard that word before until I was working there. Now I'm happy again. We did it. We did it. We got him out of the rut. Ozzy, the White Sox are going to need a new manager.

Are you going to make a call in and do a PowerPoint presentation or anything? I don't like a PowerPoint. Okay. No, because if you can't convince them with your words and your hands, then I don't care about that. Okay, great. Also, for the listeners, there is a person in my view wearing a white sock shirt right now, and they have pissed themselves three times. They have pissed themselves three times.

So much so, the person in front of them that I'm not sure is their friend keeps reaching back to go, are you okay? He's got a Harold Bain jersey on. No, he have a Jermaine Dye. Jermaine Dye. That's one of my guys. Which one did you want him to get? The pride of 2005. I was hoping he was going to wear a Bobby Yanks jersey.

Bobby Yanks. Because they had to sew five pair of pants together. Or how do you say, that ass, that ass. How do you, is it? That ass. You say, A.A. Pierinski? A.A. Pierinski. Okay, okay. I like that guy too. A.A. Pierinski? A.A. Pierinski. Okay.

I like that guy, too. All right. Shall we get into this? If you're into Chicago baseball, you love this show. Oh, shit. You love it anyway. You love it anyway. All right.

Let's get into story number two. I'll start with the headline, which feels like it's the whole story. Who was it sent to? with a headline, which feels like it's the whole story. This was sent in by Carlos Montalvan at Montalvan. Okay, good. Thank you. I don't know why I got very angry.

You got very excited. The headline starts with a quote. So out of context. It starts with an order, right? Quit sending naked pictures. Pilot says he'll turn the plane around after passenger airdrops nudes. Airdropping nudes. The show is lacking a lot of consent after two stories.

Was there a tool belt involved? No, there's not a tool belt. This is Southwest Airlines. If this was Spirit Air, you'd get bumped up to first class for doing something like that. Spirit Air, they check your nudes before you get on. How many nudes you got? You're not 40? We have to check those nudes at the gate.

Your main cabin group four now. So, you know, I mean, do you guys remember when Kevin Smith was on the Southwest Airlines flight? And they said he was, this was before he lost all the weight, too fat to fly. And of course our joke was that Shelley Duvall got on a Northwest Airlines flight that same week and she actually was kicked off the plane. She was

too flat to fly. Alright, that's not funny at all. Can I say something that's not funny either? But just maybe we'll help people. I don't know. You guys have done it. That hurt. I couldn't skip it. Either. He couldn't dig you out. Did you know, if you are a person who has a trouble fitting into

the seats, at least on Southwest Airlines, and you book a flight for you, you buy a second ticket, and you put your last name and the first name, and you put XS in the last name of the other ticket, after you land, you call Southwest and say, I bought an XS seat. They will refund you the price of that second seat. Did anyone else know? No. Why is it XS? Shouldn't

it be XL? Extra space. XS feels like extra small. They offer this to people. A lot of people don't know it and there are people who feel uncomfortable on planes. That is a way to... So if you don't have enough nudes on Spirit Air, you are too prude to fly. All right. Here we go. A viral video shows a Southwest Airlines pilot telling passengers

that if they continue to airdrop nude photos to each other... Like he's a teacher on a field trip. No, not even that. This is a parent. Yes. I'll turn this way around. Knock it off back there.

Knock it off. Like, do you think he used his hands? As he was flying, he was doing this motion to knock phones out of people's hands. Like, how much discussion went on, Greg, before they were like, you got to get on the mic. How many nudes got thrown around? And I guarantee they made him still do the push for the credit card before they made the announcement. But if you sign up right now, 800 miles, double miles for the month of September. And please stop airdropping nudes to each other, guys.

This is... I know we have other stuff as a country to be... There's other priorities. But seriously, how is that legal? How are they allowed when you're trapped on a plane? Oh, I think we're getting close to it not being legal. What's that? Yeah, it will soon be a criminal offense.

I mean, this is exposing yourself. This is a current issue. Have any of you been airdropped pictures against your will? That weren't yours? Someone airdropped pictures against your will? That weren't yours, someone airdropped them to you? Accidentally, just it comes up. It's happened to me on a plane.

Really? It wasn't nudes, it was just like dumb memes. And I then wrote a thing, screenshotted it, and airdropped it back, you're better than this. If someone airdropped me

a nude on a plane, I would just type back, nude dick, who dis? I would just loudly say out loud, stop it! I was at an airport once, and a guy runs up to me, kind of a nerdy, husky-looking dude, and he goes, there you are, Greg Fitzsimmons! I go, what do you mean, there I am? He goes, I knew you were nearby

because I was looking for wifi on my phone and under personal hot spots it listed Greg Fitzsimmons iPhone so I knew you were around here somewhere and there you are and I was like get the fuck away from me dude you he yelled at you like you were like

a challenge in the amazing race got him I got him I get credit for it I found it He yelled at you like you were a challenge in the Amazing Race. Got him. I got him. I was a Pokemon. I get credit for it. I found him. He's like, I can go to Peru now. I found you.

And can I make the joke? If you were a Pokemon, you would be Baldasaurus. Okay. You too. Wait. You have never been airdropped? I've never been airdropped. How many people have been airdropped? Something by mistake. Clapirdropped to a photo How many people have been airdropped something by mistake?

Clap if that's ever happened to you No, no A couple people Just so we can kick you out Does anybody in here send airdrops to people that don't want them? Alright, let's all start doing it right now Do not Do not

Well You know what? You have half consent This name of this person Well, you know what? You have half consent. This name of this person who captured the video of the pilot. You just say Robert Ravioli. No, I wish. The greatest name of anyone we've ever known. All right.

Taylor. I want you to try to spell Taylor. No. Taylor Marsalis. The lesser known of the Marsalis family. She doesn't play the clarinet. She doesn't play the trumpet. She plays the fucking tuba.

All right. Taylor, can you spell Taylor? I doubt you can. I know you can't. The way they spell it? The way she spells it. So that means it's not common and it's not clothing. Yeah.

Okay. Fuck. T-A-I-L-H-E-R. Ooh, I was going to go T-A-E-L-E-R. T-A-H-L-U-R. Oh, I love that. I love that. You know what?

That's the hat talking. Ma'am. Brad. What's that? Can you spell it? Taylor. Yes. I'm going to go with the rarely used silent W up towards the front.

It's going to be T-W-A-I-L-O-R. It is. One person. just give it. I want someone in the crowd to give a shot at this. Give a shot. Anybody? If you're feeling it. T-A-E-L-I-R.

T-A-E-L-I-R. Taylor. Horrifying, but not even close. Are you ready? T-E-I-G-H-L-O-R. What the fuck? Wait. Rerack it.

I need it again. That was like watching a Matlock episode. Is this a cab driver in New York City? No, this is like the end of the usual suspects. You're like, oh my God, that's what it was. Say it again. T-E-I-G-H-L-O-R. Oh, Taylor.

That's a swipe left. Taylor. Taylor Marsalis put down the tuba for a minute and captured... I love that the two names that Jay is now famous for in the early beginning stages of him doing stories is a guy

whose last name is Ravioli. Robert Ravioli, who was a psychiatrist in the 1970s. And a woman whose last name is Ravioli. Robert Ravioli, who was a psychiatrist. And a woman whose last name is the sauce in a chicken dish. Because I can't see the story. You know it's Taylor because of our world, right? But how would you pronounce it if that was like Lord of the Rings? Because it feels like a Lord of the Rings.

Tegelor. See? And then you're like, that's a powerful fucking wizard. Give the ring to T-Galore. He is a giant

from the Shire. That makes no sense. Just so you know, that's not canon. Dude, that's what made him unique. He was a giant in the Shire.

You know what? You're right. That would be dope. Everyone's like, you don't belong here. He was born, he was small, then he grew to him unique. He was a giant in the Shire. You know what? You're right. That would be dope. Everyone's like, you don't belong here. He was born. He was small. Then he grew to a giant. But he actually treated small people with respect.

Dude, you accidentally just wrote great children's book fan fiction. Giant in the Shire. Yes. He doesn't fit in. He doesn't have friends. I know. Tigalor, the giant. Tigalor Marcellus.

Captured the Southwest Airlines pilot's announcement in a TikTok posted on Thursday. In the video, the pilot says that if passengers continue to airdrop nude photos to other passengers while the plane is on the ground, he will have to pull back to the gate. Yeah. I'll pull back to the gate. Everyone's going to have to get off, which they already are, folks. Because they're looking at nudes, Fitzsimmons. I will pull over.

This is literally that. Are you all getting off? This is dangerously close to one of my favorite Greg Fitzsimmons bits ever. The bit of the porn star getting gas. Oh, of course. Which is? Well, I saw Ron Jeremy at a gas station once. This is a true story.

Well. May he rest in peace. Is he dead? Not yet, but he will die in prison, and he's earned it. Well I saw Ron Jeremy at a gas station This is a true story Well May he rest in peace Is he dead? Not yet but he will die in prison Anyway I saw him at a gas station And I knew it was him Because halfway through filling the tank He pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car

That's not That is a walk That is a walk He could walk out into the Chicago night. When our father, Richard Sklar, may he rest in peace, used to make us breakfast, salami and eggs, he used to put it down and say, that's a $5 breakfast right there. That was a $13 joke right there that he put on the table. I didn't think you were coming back.

I literally thought I would see you at two in the morning smoking outside of Kingston Mines. That would be the next place I saw you. I just want to know how this story ends. And I don't think we're ever going to get there. No, no, no. Not if you people keep sending nudes. Not if we keep enjoying

ourselves, Greg. He said we're going to have to get security involved. This is what he said then're going to have to get security involved. This is what he said then. Vacation is going to be ruined. Well, how can you make that judgment? Some people are flying for business. The pilot says over the plane,

whatever that airdrop thing is, well, don't act like you don't know what it is. All of a sudden, he's a caveman lawyer. I don't understand. I don't understand you. I'm just an alcoholic pilot. That's great.

Whatever that airdrop thing is, quit sending naked pictures and let's get yourselves to Cabo. They're going to Cabo! Where you can be naked at a bar. Right. You can just be naked seeing your frogs all day long. In the video's caption,

Tigalor Marsalis wrote... By the way, isn't this the airline that used to dress like a bunch of drunks at a luau? Remember they wore the Hawaiian shirts?

Shorts. They were short. There was a moment... There was a moment when there was turbulence. This is a joke they used to do on Southwest Airlines.

Turbulence, and then the person in the front would throw a bunch of snacks down the aisle. Peanuts down the aisle. Like, oh, the turbulence got so great, all the snacks went down the aisle. 9-11 should have killed all the humor on this point. As a Southwest A-list preferred member, I would like to say I love this company, and I'm still open to being a brand ambassador. This is like when Dan got Chili's to put him in viral videos. Okay.

Commercial. What is a commercial if not a viral video? You know what? You're not wrong. And what is an airdrop if not a viral video? Whatever this airdrop thing is, stop it. In the video's caption, Tigalore wrote, Southwest takes airdropping nudes very seriously.

Good one. Good one, Taylor. Nailed it. On Monday, her video had almost 2 million views. That is the TikTok. That's so depressing. All right. This isn't the first time a viral TikTok has shown someone airdropping nude photos on a flight. This isn't the first time a viral TikTok has shown someone airdropping nude photos on a flight.

A man was arrested in June for airdropping photos of his genitals to random passengers on his flight. It is illegal. I mean, if I received a genital picture from a gentleman, I would call the stewardess over, show it to her, and say, excuse me, I ordered a kosher meal. Brad can help me here. Thank you you it might be a best of second city i think i remember you doing this sketch emily was the girl and the basis of the sketch was that two idiot dudes are cat calling a woman being like yeah baby get over here and then she runs over and starts yelling yeah you want to fuck you want to fuck right now you want to fuck in this car don't even go through that green light

and they get freaked out and I've always thought is that this person's goal like is someone going to walk over and be like let's do it let's fucking jerk it right now you sent me that dick let's make that happen it seems like there's more yes there's more of a dream

attached to doing that. Yeah, this is a fantasy. Sick ass. The practice of airdropping nudes, by the way, yoga is a practice. Airdropping nudes is not a practice. The offense. Meditation is a practice. The practice of airdropping nudes to strangers, also known as cyber flashing.

Did you know that? Did you guys know that? While almost outlawed in New York State in 2018. What was the holdup? Why are these damn Democrats? They're degenerates. AOC trying to keep it, make America clean again. All right.

Make America clean again. All right. A current New York lawmaker is working to make sending unsolicited nude photos illegal through legislation. Good. I'm glad they're working on the issues that mean the most to Americans. They're working on the important things. We know it's not Anthony Weiner. He's done. He's done.

He's out of the game. He's out of He's done. He's out of the game. He's out of it? Who's the other guy, the governor? Andrew Cuomo. It's not him either. He put his hands all over that legislation. And then his brother didn't put his feet to the fire for it. All right.

Did he honestly say, did I dream this? Or did something come out where he goes, I'm not perverted, I'm Italian? Yes. He said that. He said that. Yeah. In my culture, we do a lot of hands. He literally said, that's a moray.

Which I feel like that's just insulting. That's immoral. That's immoral. When my hand hits your face and you don't want it there, that's immoral. When my hand touches your face and you don't want it in your space, that's immoral. Many commenters on Marcellus' video enjoyed that the pilot was acting like a parent who threatens to turn the car around with their kids who are acting up in the backseat. Now, are you ready to hear some completely unfunny comments by people?

I cannot wait. Sometimes TikTok comments crush. Sometimes they're amazing. This is not one of those times. Don't make me turn the plane around, at Jim Casey commented with a laughing emoji. Don't laugh at your own shit. Exactly.

Dumbass. All right. This feels like my mom turning around the car to me and my twin sister. If you two don't stop, I swear to God, at Nicky Marie photo.

So they just keep writing the same joke over again. While Sami commented, major dad vibes. Wait, hold on. From who? Because this person could have had a rough childhood.

Yeah, that's a cry for help. The sender or the pilot. Others discuss the complexities and consequences of airdropping photos to strangers. People don't realize that kids can have iPhones too, someone commented. Thank you. And then airdropped a nude to his child. You take that risk accepting anything airdropped from the stranger. That's blaming the victim.

Isn't that? You accept the airdrop from a stranger and then you're taking it. I mean, I would tell them. No, that's the thing. You don't have to accept it. You can decline it. Your only setting is contacts only, everyone or off. So if you have everyone, it's a preview and then you hit decline or accept.

Hang on a second. So few people accept my nudes. Dan, you know, your explanation of how to accept a thing made me long for the explanation you did about how someone can book an extra seat. You know what? Somebody's life is going to be better off thanks to me. I'm sorry it's not all puns.

What's the preview? Is it just like a puns What's the preview? Is it just like a penis peeking around the corner? Do you want to accept this? Guess who popped up in 7A? I know I'm not in one But now I feel like I'm in an exit row Alright I can't airdrop Thank you Dan

A picture to a member of my family Two feet away But on a plane I sometimes I can't airdrop a, thank you, Dan, a picture to a member of my family two feet away, but on a plane I sometimes get like five airdrop photos. Mic drop. That's hilarious. I'm sorry. That is super funny. That's it. There's nothing to, there's no other questions to this story. It's ridiculous. That's story number two.

Story number two. Before we bring Barry back up to play his last song, but we got one more story with Dan. I want to just ask you guys how people can... Greg, you got another show here tomorrow night for these fans here. You have a great podcast too. Let them know, let them know, let them know. Thank you.

Fitz Dog Radio has been on the air for many years. Sunday Papers is my podcast, which is a little bit like Dumb People Town. We do stories, but it's more national. It's more like national stories. Childish is the other. I do three podcasts. Yeah, beautiful.

And then I got dates coming up. Tampa, Fort Worth, San Francisco. Go to FitzDawg.com for tickets. Yeah, I love it. One of our, as we mentioned, a comic who we always loved and we're in the same milieu, but you started a little before us in New York

and we always looked up to him when we started there and still do. Just a treat to have you here. Thanks, guys. Beautiful. It means a lot to me. For real, for real. Now, Brad, I want Brad Morris

to tell us what he's up to as Christoph Waltz, if you could. I'm a little rusty with Christoph, but just writing and you know how it goes. Just developing, writing, not making enough. Yeah, and that's the problem. I like to make things more than to develop them. And what people don't know is that Christoph Waltz, he's German-Austrian. He's Austrian. But he is the biggest NBA fan ever.

So he can go very deep. And I know the NBA season has just started. I love this game. You do love the game. I love this game. You do love the game. I love this game. So he did a series of commercials. Yes. For Samsung.

For Samsung, where you really showed how much you loved America. I love this country. I know. And the fact that you love the NBA. What are you looking forward to, Kristoff, in this season of the NBA? There's so many storylines. Of course. Yeah.

So many to choose from. Will Russell Westbrook decide to be a team player? I don't know. It's a great question. I'm not sure. I mean, can you make sense of, again... Doc Rivers? Yeah.

Was he ever a good coach? That's a great question to pose. He had four Hall of Famers on that team. Who's doing the work, so to speak, Christoph? Who's doing the work? Who's doing the heavy lifting? Who is? Are you asking me?

I'm going to ask you. What about the Draymond? Draymond. I know. The video was damning. Yes, it was a damning video. It was a damning video. The Zapruder film had more mystery to it.

That's right. I agree. We kind of do exactly that. I like the Warriors. I like the dubs. And you know I love Porzingis. I know you love Christoph Porzingis. I love the unicorn.

I love what he does. And obviously, we are waiting to find out what happens in his rape trial. But love his game. Love his game. Glad you can say that. Are you excited about his game? Don't go anymore. But I'm very excited to be in Chicago and to be rooting for Ayo Dusunmu.

Yes. I like this kid. Yeah, he's from Morgan Park. He is from Morgan Park. That's a neighborhood here. He went to Illinois. He's in Illini. It has been a long, dry spell in Champaign.

And I'm not just talking about sports. It's not a place to visit. I can't believe, Christoph Waltz, you have this much insight and knowledge about a Big Ten school like Illinois. Yes, I love it. Probably, Christoph Waltz, you have this much knowledge about a Big Ten school like Illinois. My friend is, if you're in the neighborhood and you want to get some great sound equipment, used or new, I will tell you to check out Decibel Audio.

That's my friend. In Champaign. No, in Chicago. So quick plug for Decibel Audio. Well, you're actually, Brad, you're here shooting a pilot. I'm actually very excited to be directing a pilot that some young actor, writer folks created. And it's been an amazing experience. We start tomorrow morning really early. Jeez.

But mostly it's been taking care of my grandmother this past week because she cracked a couple ribs. And today she – Well, she's got to do a bar fight. She's got to do a bar fight. It's sad until – she's 95. She's had a good run. It was sad until this morning when I said,

I want to set up this Alexa for you because I'm going to be gone a bunch and it's a good idea. Can I please get the Wi-Fi password? That probably was three. And she goes, why are you doing this to me? to be gone a bunch, and it's a good idea. Can I please get the Wi-Fi password? That probably was three. And she goes, why are you doing this to me? I don't blame her. Just asking for the Wi-Fi code. Just asking.

And then I literally, she goes, look in the green book. Like, she's angry. She's got the green book. So I open up that book, and it's like, you know how in like... Like the safe place for African Americans in the 60s? Yes. I remember that. But you look in there and it's that thing where you know how people they have you know like

in Jerusalem you can go to the old part of the city and there's so many there's so many layers of civilization. That's like to try and find a number there's five numbers written on top. Like on layers you're like I think there's a three in there and an eight. So you had an archaeologist

come in and dust off some of the numbers. But no, it's good. Why didn't you just have her airdrop it to you? Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. Bring it all around. Should we bring Barry up for another song? Yeah, let's do it. Barry Fontenot.

And then Dan will bring us home. And then Dan will bring us home. As Barry's coming up here, Dan, can you tease us what we're going to hear in story three? Oh, yeah. Probably the worst way

to try and kill somebody. Okay. Good to know. Yeah. All right. That's great. All right. Here comes Barry again.

Come on through, bud. Woo! You know what? I take it back. Maybe the best way to try and kill someone. Okay, good. Really depends on your perspective. What was that old joke? Death by... No, there's a thing.

I'm only killing time because I know he's going to... Smoochie? Yeah, yeah. Is it Smoochie? Is that what it's called? The movie? Death 2 Smoochie. No, no, that's not it. All right, Barry Fontenot. Hey, everybody.

Well, with my band, Barry and the Fountains, we're working on a concept album, a neo-soul concept album about Sumerian mythology. I'm gonna play one of the songs from it for you guys tonight as the last number. I figured it was probably best to save the weirdest for last. It's called Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. I offer this prayer to Inanna, goddess of hunger, goddess of rage,

goddess of the sky, who burns down the sunset, who tears down the sunset who tears down the mountain who closes the floodgates who brings satisfaction all the means to my ends

I'm learning of heartache of rage and of longing of currents and pathways of fear and pretension of a world that pretends that each of its fictions is harder than hardship engraved in our numbers fixed beyond union and the great by and by. When we strike the deep where Tiamat stays, and when we reach the end of days, the jackals will shackle themselves along.

When the beasts which bite and sting Lay down their arms and start to sing The nations will come to know right from wrong The floodwaters beckoned, humanity answered The darkness washed over the lives of our people And drowned all the land Our grandfather saved us, he held back the waters Suspended us over, enveloped in cedar, preserved by his hand.

The waters receded, we saw what they'd taken, the desert they'd crafted, of all that we'd worked for, of all that we'd known. My brother was shaken. He never forgave them. Walked into the ocean. He asked me to promise they'd reap what they'd sown. Oh, oh, oh, what whirlwinds blow in heaven For the tongues, the idols twisted Are all keeping score now And the world is at war now

A never-ending war And I don't know how to sit and wait For my Dharma to find me I need you to remind me What I'm waiting for In unity at least We could survive till tomorrow And we could limit the sorrow and if the walls have to burn

oh then let them burn let them burn let the wheel begin to turn Let the lightning break on through Let the world believe in you Oh, let it burn Let it burn Let the wheel begin to turn Oh, let the lightning break on through Till the world believes in you

Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, yeah Ooh Thanks, everybody. Wonderful. Thank you very much, y'all. Barry and the Fountains, my man. Come on, dude. Incredible.

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Daniel, you ready to take us out? Before he does that, by the way, after the show, we do have some merch and some stuff that we will sign.

Took the words out of my mouth. And my goal is to have so much merch sold that when we get to New York on Sunday, you guys screw New York. Yeah, let's go.

Prove to them that you're the first city and they're the second city, right? All right, there you go. That was good, guys the second city. Right. All right. There you go. That was good. Thank you. That was good.

Good. Get them on. As we were saying it, I hated us. I hated it. I hated everything that was. I haven't said a word. Dan's like, don't buy it. I don't want you to buy it.

Hey, I like being the second city. Can I say? All right. Okay. Ready? Let's take a short. Short little fun story. Okay. Fucking crazy as hell.

Sent in by Sing Blue Silver at Dartmouth Dogs. There you go. Here we go. My favorite Bowie album. I also couldn't remember if we ever did this story either. We're getting to that part where I'm like, did I talk about this 10 years ago? Or are people making the same mistakes in the world? If they made this mistake twice,

they're in a book. Dumb history is doomed to repeat itself. Put their name in the Grandma Green book. If they've done this twice. The Grandma Green book. Is there a dick in this one? No. There's been one in all the others.

No. I didn't know if you should rename the show. I just found this out. Dick People Town? Dick People. Dumb People Dicks. Dumb Dick Town. Dumb Dick Town. Okay, here dick town. Dumb dick town.

Okay, here we go. All of it works. Brazilian woman laced vagina with poison to kill husband. Okay. And he's trying to satisfy you. Oh, my God. Now, if that was a Jewish woman, he would never die. Because Jewish men don't do that? It's painful, my God. If that was a Jewish woman, he would never die. Because Jewish men don't do that? It's painful, but true.

As someone from Rochelle, I have no idea what that means. Okay. Laced. How do you get this idea? Also, just get a divorce. Right? I know. It's an option.

You're going to go through all this? You're going to lace up your own vagine? I know. There will be an autopsy. That's some salt on the rim. Okay, here we go. Did you hear this, Ed? Okay.

That is wild. I did not? Okay. That is wild. I did not know that. That's weird. I call that a bloody Mary. That's a salty vagina. Put the celery stalk where it doesn't belong. Give me a kiss on the lips. Okay.

I just need to remind everyone that Greg's wife and son is here tonight as we continue to do this. They're with Greg. I know. And he's like a college senior. They know what to expect. A Brazilian, for some reason, that's in all caps. I don't know why. A Brazilian woman has confessed to trying to kill her husband by putting poison in her vagina and

urging him to have oral sex with her. Go ahead. I dare you. What point do you think she realized I think I just put vagina. I think I just put poison in me. Right. Yeah. How does that does that ever affect you can butt chug a beer

or the tampon vodka tampon tampons. Vodka tampon. Vodka tampons. It works. Okay. You're biting off your vagina despite your face. The bizarre murder plot dubbed... Who dubbed? The bizarre murder plot dubbed Cunning Cunnilingus.

Oh. Why not just Cunning Cunnilingus? Cunning Cunnilingus. Oh. Why not just Cunning Cunnilingus? By one commenter. Took place at the city of Sao de Jose Rio Preto. Perfect. You nailed it, Dan. That was exactly. R-T-H-S.

That is the native pronunciation, Dan. Guys, I don't want to speak Portuguese willy nilly here. But Dan, that was perfection. The intended victim, who has not been named, says his wife tried to lure him into bed and encouraged him to perform oral sex on her. His suspicions were aroused. Yeah, that was the only thing that was aroused.

That was. Her suspicions were aroused when she spoke to him directly. That is a bad marriage. That was. Her suspicions were aroused when she spoke to him directly. That is a bad marriage. Suspicions were aroused when her pubic hair was all dead. Suspicions were aroused when she died. Why can you not move from the waist down now? Her suspicions were aroused when her vagina smelled like Roundup.

Her suspicions were aroused when a... There's a class action suit. That was a class action suit from her hiding spot. I brought it back around. We should end the show. I brought it back around. We should end the show. I brought it back around. His suspicions were aroused when he noticed an unusual odor emanating from her private parts

hiding spot and fearing she was unwell, took her to the hospital. He cares about her. This guy. Also her being like, I really don't need to go. I don't need to go. Oh, you go. Can we go right after you go down on me? No, no, no. It smells like death down there.

I mean, more death than normal down there. You know what I mean, honey. Terrible. When they say he took her to the hospital, I have to imagine it's because she was like she was dying, right? She smelled something wrong.

Yeah, but I'm saying she would argue or go by herself and then lie about what happened in some weird way. But to take her, she must be starting to be incapacitated. Honey, did you sit in paint thinner? You have never tasted better. Honey, why is there a dead rat in your panties? Why is the dog passed out? Open a window.

Oh, wait a minute. First of all, if you think that's where I was going, you don't know me. And you went there. You airdropped that to yourself. Dan had nothing to do with it. Nothing. Fearing she said, well, he took her to the hospital.

My wife. Medical tests revealed she had doused her vagina with enough of the unspecified toxin to kill both her husband and herself. Wow. This is like the lost verse of that country song. I took a Louisville slugger to his car. That's Miranda Lambert. What the fuck? I put the poison down into my vajeej.

That is, this is why your hat shouldn't try to do comedy, Randy. hat shouldn't try to do comedy, Randy. You do look like the main character in a game called Red Dead Dimension. Red Dead Dimension? Here we go. Confronted with test results, the woman... Put that in the green book. Confronted with the test results,

the woman reportedly confessed... Wait, Randy does look like he's on the cover of an AARP brochure guys just cause you turned 50 doesn't mean you can't stop doing comedy or dousing your vagina with poison confronted

with the test results the woman reportedly confessed to her crime. It is believed she hatched the bizarre plot after asking her husband for a divorce, a request he now seems rather, plot twist maybe, rather more likely to acquiesce to. Yes.

TVI 24, I'm sorry, TVI 24, says the woman has received medical treatment and sources claim her husband plans to sue her for attempted murder.

Yeah. Vagina homicide. Vaginicide. I'll go with that. Vagicide. Vagicide I think is what it's called. Vagina homicide

is needless to say a highly unusual crime and local police a local police officer called what?'s called. Vagina homicide is needless to say a highly unusual crime and a local police officer called, what, named, called

Walter Coanchino Jr. He likes puzzles. Has reportedly, I don't know why, I just do. I know. Has reportedly ordered further investigation

due to the nature of the case. The woman may still face murder charges. The Jezebel website points out that poisoning someone through your vagina is not that good of an idea. Oh. They cracked it.

It's literally like burning your own bed. Yeah. It's not that good of an idea because, quote, your vagina is fairly absorbent and shoving a bunch of poison in it will probably hurt you as much as it hurts the person you're trying to kill.

No shit. But salons, Katie, why is the person who wrote this trying to create a beef war between other I'm-bored-at-work websites? Putting poison in your vagina is like dating Kid Rock. I'm sorry, I fucked it up. You can do it. I didn't get it out. Stay with it. I have poison in my vagina. You know Kid Rock. I'm sorry. I fucked it up. You can do it. I didn't get it out. Stay with it. I have poison in my vagina. You know what?

We'll cut that. Go again and we'll all act like it. Alright. Putting poison in your vagina is like dating Tommy Lee. Okay. That was good. It was good. I switched it. Well, that's better than how they end this article. I feel

horrible to do this at the end of our show. But Salon's Katie McDonough says, the fact that the man rushed his wife to the hospital despite her death by vagina plotting suggests chivalry is not dead. I mean, it was about to be dead. Yeah. She is. That story, number three.

Yeah. I love it. We will be over love it We will be over there We'll be over there I want to thank Brad Morris Oz again Greg Fitzsimmons here tomorrow night Give it up for Barry And the Fountains

Daniel Van Kerr Jason Sklar Randy's hat in the fountain. It's very fun to know. There we are. Daniel Van Kerr. Thank you. Jason Sklar. Randy's hat. Oh, shit. We got to get back to work. Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around.

Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town.