Dumb People Town - DPT Live - Jim Gaffigan and Ben Lee - The Penis Master

Episode Date: August 25, 2020

This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Jim Gaffigan and musical guest Ben Lee. To kick off the show, Daniel reads headlines and Jim and Ben find out who their Florida Man is. In story one, they hear a story about a man who loses a body part only to have it reappear in another location. In story two, a couple argue over pasta. 

Skypains Avenue It is. Ran, Dan, and Jay, put your hands together for Dumb People to Now! Yes! You got it! Yes! Ran, Dan, and Jay. Put your hands together for Dumb People to Now. Yes. Hello. You guys. Yes. What is up?

This is amazing. We're coming to America. We're going nowhere else. Today. All right, you guys. This is how Neil Diamond should do all of his concerts. You know how much money I would pay to get drunk in my own house at a Neil Diamond concert?

I'd call it Diamond in the Rough. It's a little bit rough. Neil Diamond, may he rest in peace. He's not dead. We just want him to get a good night's sleep. Actually, you guys, I just saw on Twitter. Did he die? No.

He's not sleeping on a purple mattress. Today's episode brought to you by Purple Mattress. It's not. We just made it up. We are so happy that all you guys are here. You're more than welcome to sponsor this. You are. Even retroactively.

Look, if Jenny Craig wants to sponsor me or Jason, I'm just saying, 18 pounds thinner, Jason. Unbelievable. Wasting away. If anybody's Aunt Jenny wants to sponsor me. If Jay loses any more weight we're not going to be twins yeah that's how much weight is the woman at jenny craig said how much weight do you want to lose and i said i want people to come up to me and be like are you sick that's terrible i've been there when people are worried about a woman the woman at jenny craig

and we go to two different jenny cra I went to the woman and Jenny Craig and it's never me. The woman and Jenny Craig came up to, I went and get my food and she said you're doing better than your brother. I was like, how do you know I have a brother? Why does Jenny Craig know everything that's about me? They're like listen, you should probably move this money from your kid's IRA. I'm like, Jenny Craig

knows everything. Jenny Craig is just like a prequel to Vanilla Sky. They're taking over. But it is vanilla, a prequel to Vanilla Sky. They're taking over. But it is vanilla. It's a little Cal vanilla. It's an aspartame vanilla made from almond milk. All right. So if any of you have been to

or listened to our live shows that we've done at Largo, that we've done at the Bell House in Brooklyn, we like to start things off with a little bit of music. And so we thought we'd do that tonight and today in this show. It's a tradition to get a musical artist that we love.

They will do some of their original songs. But what's also exciting is in the opening segment, they do their take on our Dumb People Town theme song. We're so happy that this gentleman is with us here. We've been fans of his long before we became friends of his and he does great solo stuff. The stuff he does with Josh Radner Radner and Lee. That stuff is great and he was amazing in the Benz. We love him so much. Would you please give a warm Dumb People Town welcome

to Ben Lee. Ben Lee! Yeah! Hey! What's up, buddy? He's not on the show right now. He's not on the show. Fantastic. I wanted to preface this the way i preface every zoom show i do none of this is going to go perfectly yeah that's right some moments actually might and that's the surprise that's the surprise or not but when you're like

oh that one part no we should all be grateful i didn't even do the beginning of the show all right put it on hey townies Welcome to a special virtual live episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population you. I think while we're waiting for Bentley, you should put on the hat. You guys ready? This is... Okay, so Randy brought a hat that we can all make fun of.

This hat is the reason why they're shutting down the Boy Scouts. I want you to know. Wait a second. Wait a minute. Randy, you look like you're going to tell us how close we are to starting a forest fire. We're very

close to starting it. Randy, you look like you've convinced five people to go on an upper ropes course. That they don't want to. I am working with hipster youth at risk. Got a problem with that? Up on the ropes, up on the music.

That's what we call it. Hipster youth at risk. You're like an intern for a Canadian Mountie program. That's what it looks like. You're an intern. This hat looks like, can I make fun of myself a little bit too? Of course.

I mean, why not? You look like the manager of the band's about to fire. That's right. This is the reason that the traveling Wilburys stayed home. Yes. Or were traveling. Did you get that hat when you got

your ear pierced, but you didn't do the ear piercing part? No. I didn't get my ear pierced. I'm still married. Did you trade that hat in because you had two smalls and a medium prize? That's right. I did. Guys, Dave and Buster's prizes are so... They really are. They're stepping up the game. I love Dave and Buster's.

Do you love Dave and Buster's? That is one of the things hurting me the most, that Dave and Buster's is on. I know. Will Dave and Buster's ever one of the things hurting me the most I know will Dave and Buster ever come back Dave Mike Dave Mike Buster is your no faith in Dave's got a business model we just use the old circuit city parking lot this will work

we'll get him in here one thing we can tell you guys also while we're doing this and then I have some more jokes for you is one of the best ways you can view this show the while we're doing this, and then I have some more jokes for you, is one of the best ways that you can view this show, the way we're going to do it, because we have multiple people, and obviously if you listen to the show, you know how Dumb People Town works. If you've been lucky enough to see a live show, then you definitely know how it works when we do it like that.

If you want to reach up to your computer screen, your monitor, your cell phone, whatever you're watching on, and just click to take away your video. The reason we want to do that is because then the only people that will have them left are Jim Gaffigan and Ben Lee and the scholars and I together so that you will then be able to see all of us on one screen rather than jumping around and wondering where that voice has come. So if you can

reach forward and just click off that you're sharing video, you should find it in the bottom left if you're on some sort of flip phone. That either means you are way behind the times or way ahead of them yes and I'm just going to say this our mom who is watching this

in St. Louis Missouri Annette Sklar she's not going to she's not going to know how to do this no it's going to end up being Jim Gaffigan Bentley the Sklars myself and our mom's new card table and our mom speaking off camera going I'm going, I'm in it. I'm in the zoo. I know I'm on it. I'm over the zoo. We're all in the zoo. So yeah, if you, wherever you are,

I promise you all, I just, we will, you will love this show so much more if you can just reach and tap to turn off your video. They might also be going around. They, we have these great ushers. I mean, how about a big round of applause? I know where you're going. I know where Comedy Club is for making this happen. So they've got great people that are in the room helping everybody kind of turn everything off.

They're going to make sure that the show goes great, and we only suggest that to make it great for you because then you will be able to see all of us at once. We're all in this together. Have I ever said this before? Yeah, Dan, you said it. I'm like the one Canadian Mountie that doesn't have a horse. Yes.

You look like the only thing that was cut out of the Irishman. They left everything else in. They left everything else in. You look like you're about to ask me how come my kids don't like you. I want to say they left everything in. You look like you're about to say you can call me dad, but you don't have you. I want to say they left everything into... You look like you're about to say, you can call me dad, but you don't have to. I'm like your real dad.

That hat says to me, do you want some gum? That's what that hat says to me. But I only have Orbit. You look like you're running a walking tour no one signed up for. That's right. You guys don't want to go on a walking tour of the Dead Sea?

No. I'm here. No. You know what that hat says to me? It says you own three rain sticks. Yeah. It says to me that you just finished watching season one of Perry Mason. That's right.

Guys, it is so good, Perry Mason. That's right. He does. It is so good, Perry Mason. I can't believe how good it is. Do we have Ben Lee? Is he here? Is he in the Zoom? Casey, I'm not sure if we can speak directly to you. Yeah, we are still looking for...

Ben is missing. We're still searching. And that's what this whole show... He said he was in there searching for Ben Lee. That is the name of the show. Also, can you make sure his display name says Ben Lee? Yeah, make sure his display... Jay, text him.

Do you guys like that you're seeing the behind the scenes? Jay, text him. Come on, Jay, text him. I think I have his number. Mail him, Jay. Jesus. I mean, listen. Once the hat goes on, the demands start happening. The great thing is there's so many people on this show.

We're so lucky to have so many townies that someone probably has Ben Lee's number. I hope that someone has Ben Lee's number. Jay, you doing it? I want him because we can't start the show without the theme song. We could always go back. We can always go back and do it. What do you guys think? Should we? Yeah, let's forge forward. Okay, we're going to forge forward with this thing and then we'll the theme song. We could always go back. What do you guys think? Let's forge forward.

We're going to forge forward with this thing and then we'll do this song. As soon as we can get him on as Jay's trying to find. Jay right now is just going through his emails. I'm sorry. I'm getting a lot of emails from Jenny Craig. They're asking me how I'm doing. Jay will share. Someone singing it

Appreciate that What do you want to do? Let's do headlines You want to? So as you know if you listen to the wonderful show That we did with Mr. Paul of Tompkins Will Arnett who I think is still out there Running through Florida looking for

Will Greenlee And then Colin Hay was on that show as well We now start all of the live shows with something very, very fun. It's more like people send me so many great stories, but a lot of these stories,

there's not enough meat. There's not enough details. Great headlines. Yes, that's exactly what they are. So, without further ado, we are now going to start out the show with a little bit of headlines the great thing about these is too i get to incorporate more people who send stuff in so maybe you're somebody that just sent me a headline that never was good enough to be a story and not you you were good enough but the story wasn't so now you get a chance oh this is somebody who sends in a lot. This was sent in by Carleen McDermott. Hello. Okay.

Headline. Florida man attempts to hide underwater from cops, gets arrested after coming up for air. I know. He looks like he hasn't come up for air yet. His tattoos

are the plot for National Treasure. That's like the movie memento if you don't want to remember where you were it doesn't say john g anywhere on there it literally looks like they said to an elephant stand in this ink and then stand on this man i love the face that he's making he looks like like, yeah, I'll walk, but I don't agree. I should be arrested. This is the guy who, I'm going to tell you, this isn't the first time this guy has gone swimming in pants.

I'll tell you that much. This is the guy who shows up to every family function and immediately takes his shirt off. This is the guy who feels like he should win if he gets the eight ball in too early. This is the kind of guy who feels like he should win if he gets the eight ball in too early this is this is the kind of guy who watched who watched the tiger king and was like i don't know why so many people have their shirts on being interviewed also i hope when he came up from air like to get air he yelled out did you time me is anybody on a clock? Okay. Ready for the second headline? Yes. Okay.

This is a short headline sent in by Nick Tangborn at Jack Pine Social. At Jack Pine Social. Okay. Headline is blundering bank robber forced to remove

pillowcase disguise after forgetting to cut eye holes. Yeah. I don't think this is the same guy. I just tried to find somebody with a pillowcase on, but I'll tell you this much. Anything you're putting over your head,

it's never a good look if the point is that high. That's right. He's literally a dick. That's right. That's what he is. That's right. That's what he is. That's the tip, though. That is ribbed for his pleasure. Yeah. Also, like, here are the rules. What are you going to do? You're going to rob a bank. You sure you can get away with it? 100%. What's my disguise?

Pillowcase. Are you forgetting anything? No. I can put it over my head and put the money in it. No, you can't. He just walked up to, like, a plant. Come on. Quit being rude. I'm going to give you a note. Ready for one more?

This is a great example. I'm just going to say this before we get to the last one. Ben Lee's name on the Zoom, his Zoom name is Ben Lee. I'm saying to Casey. He's in here. We'll do this last one. Look, guys. This is the way we do it.

We mess it up a little bit. I love Bentley. Okay. Third one. This is a case of the entire story being the headline. I wanted this to be a story so bad that it was all of us here. Sent by ThreeFourthGeek at ThreeFourthGreek. Fourth is written out.

ThreeFourthGreek or ThreeFourthGeek? Geek. Is this my big fat geek wedding? I'm a geek on my mom's side. Headline is this. Waukesha blotter. So you is this. Walk a shaw blotter. So you already know. Walk a shaw blotter. I know. I know.

I want you to walk a shaw mile in my shoes. I'm going to tell you right now that the woman who is married to the guy who does the walk a shaw blotter has over 10 times told him to stop doing it. I was going to say, stop bringing his work home. Nobody reads this.

You're all day working on the blotter. Then you get home and you get in front of that goddamn CB radio and you just keep telling people what you saw all day. What's the difference? We have kids, Michael. The guy who runs the Waukesha blotter has three fuzzbusters that don't work. I'm going to get them fixed. Then fix them, Michael.

I told you to call me Mickey. No, Mickey is not short for Michael. And he considers himself an author. Ready? Did I write it on a napkin? I wrote it. I published it. Okay. A woman was performing

a spiritual ritual on a dead possum in the road at Springdale and Blue Mound by throwing goldfish and windshield washer fluid on it. She then pulled out a Packers lawn chair and yelled repent at the dead animal. Okay. I know. I love it too much.

Oh my God. This obviously is not from the story. That is from Midsommar, but it felt right. This could be a deleted scene from Sound of Music. She pulled out a Packers chair. She sounds more like a Bears fan. She's sitting on it. She's sitting on it.

Well, yeah, Bears fan, you are cheering for dead things. Was she throwing real live goldfish or goldfish the snack? It's got to be the snack. It's got to be the snack. It's got to be the snack. It's got to be the snack. And why is she telling the possum to repent? What has the possum done that requires repentance? Also, if you're the possum and you're not dead and you're playing dead, aren't you like, I think I've met my match?

Yeah. She is committed to this. Or what if the possum agrees to repent and then says, I was just faking it. Yeah. Or what if the possum agrees to repent and then says, I was just faking it. So what, what do you not have to do in your life that you have time for this? I'm saying what of her grandkids or nieces did she neglect in order to perform this? All of them.

Yeah. She gets, she gets a call from the mom of the kids. You watching them? Yeah. I can see them out of the corner of my eye. They're over there. If you mean a possum on County C. Alright, those are headlines.

Those are headlines. Alright, so we have Ben Lee here and we're going to let him kick things off, sing an original song and then sing the Dumb People Town theme song. Ben Lee, are you there, buddy? I am. Sorry, there was a little issue. It's okay. Don't sweat it.

We're so happy to have you. We built up the excitement a little bit before we brought you on. All right, play a little bit, and then we'll talk to you about what you got going on, and then we'll bring on Jim Gaffigan. What do you got for us, buddy? I'm going to play a new song. It's called Parents Get High.

Love it. I remember their parties Everybody talking just a little too loud I passed my bedtime Maneuvering through the crowd Cigar smoking whiskey Telling stories about the war Somehow my father Fell asleep on the living room floor

What made my parents get high Fell asleep on the living room floor. What made my parents get high? What made my parents get high? Hey, let him play. Oh. Sometimes it seemed like everybody would know I tried to figure out the meaning Of the things I was too young to know Cause lovers share glances And give themselves away They had a world where they played The way that children play

Wouldn't make your parents get high the way that children play Oh my, oh my. So hugs and kisses. We both love you but it's time to sleep. Your dreams are gonna take you somewhere complicated and deep. I'll build a fire. Mama put a record on. Let's plan for the future. Let's sing our special song. What makes your parents get high?

What makes your parents get high? What makes your parents get high? Oh, why? Oh, why? What makes your parents get high? Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my.

Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Yes. Give me all you got.

Amazing. Is that on a new album? I'm making it right now. Oh, my God. I can't wait to get it. That is so good, and it's so vintage you. I love that you're not from America, but you have a country twang to yourself. Well, Australians got some good country music, too. Of course they do.

Of course they do. And I love that you put down that this is my musical background. You put down a guitar that looks exactly like the other guitar that you just picked up. All right. So one of our choices is that we get to hear you play our theme song. So this is the Ben Lee version of the Dumb People Town theme song. Take it away, Ben.

Woo! Denim running, jail will share tales of folks so unaware. They're lacking grace and sometimes shoes. The life they choose breaking down ain't yet been found in florida there's a press bear i'm happy to say they couldn't make this up so listen to our podcast The co-host I'm in Dan

Ben Kirk Don't be a jerk Cause when the music quits The money hits And we're gonna take you down Stick around Make a sound Hunk of ham

Stomp deep and smile Woo Ben Lee you are the best stick you stick around because we're

we're gonna now jump into this shall we and we'll talk and we'll talk about what you're working on too throughout the show but we'll get into it again

but Ben Lee it's such a joy to have you on as we said before we were fans long before we were friends and now we get to be friends and thank you for being on the show. Right.

Are we ready? Let's bring him on. Let's bring him on. You guys ready for your guest, your featured guest, your comedy? This guy is, again, another friend of ours since the 90s, coming up doing comedy in New York. He has his own comedy channel on Sirius Radio. His special out on Amazon. That is so good.

And he's also my favorite CBS Sunday morning correspondent. There you go. And he's our good friend and just someone we love seeing. And again, the beauty of this show is being able to have a guest like him on. He's in New York and we're here. Would you please welcome our friend, Mr. Jim Gaffigan. Jim Gaffigan, everybody. Oh, jeezaffigan, everybody. Oh, jeez. Thanks, guys. Hi, Jim. Did it work? Yeah, it worked.

Someone just laughed at your hat. I can't believe it was me. Here, I'm on Golden Pond. I love it. I had, I needed to find a hat that looked like the grandfather of the other hat. So I got this one.

I love your hat, Jim. I just want to know where the other grumpy old man is. Jack Lemon. I was supposed to meet him and go fishing with him. I love it. I feel like no matter what you say, your hat gives very good advice. Yes. You know what?

I'm just kind of homespun and I'm a little grumpy, but I'm kind of down to earth. I love it. My favorite thing about that hat is while wearing it, you've never had a fishing lure that's worked. Yes. It's a damn thing. I can't get it. Darn it. Yes. It's a damn thing. I can't get it. Darn it. Well, I am so happy

you're here with us and we get to play a little game with our guests who come on. We'll do it with both Ben and we'll do it with Jim. We do a little game that we like to call, Dan. It is called What is Your Florida Man? Alright, here we go. Ready? Yeah. Click to it. Dan's going to click to it. It is called What is Your Florida Man? All right.

Here we go. Ready? Yeah. Click to it. Dan's going to click to it. There we go. Which Florida man are you? Okay.

Jim Gaffigan, according to the internet, your birthday is July 7th. Is that right? Okay. Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you, my friend. Happy 36th. Here we go. Happy birthday to you, my friend. Happy 36th. Here we go. To the hat. All right.

I think I remember him wearing that hat in 1997. This is the hat from Chappaquiddick. I'm too cheap. You stole it from the set. By the way, that was the biggest tragedy that's ever happened in Chappaquiddick. Literally the set. Okay, so... And by the way, that was the biggest tragedy that's ever happened in Chappaquiddick.

Literally. You take a mad hat. Mm-hmm. Okay. All right. July 7th, you put that and Florida Man into Google.

You get this story. Florida woman crashes car into house while praying with her eyes closed. Yeah. Yes. For heaven's sake. I know. Here's the blurb authorities of florida said a

woman who crashed into a house after blowing through a stop sign told investigators she'd been praying with her eyes closed if this is not the most obvious joke in the world of letting jesus take the wheel then i do not know what it is what would jesus do what are you praying for that supersedes the fact that you're driving? Someone else to drive. She was praying for no traffic, I guess. She got it. She got it.

She got it. I feel like I should be holding a guitar too. Do you want one? Dan's got two of the same one. I have some stuff from my garden. Oh my God. You're such, I'm so jealous of your fricking garden. And,

uh, these pickles. I don't know what I'm doing. Let me say this, Jim. What if a woman, okay. I know how hard you've worked on the garden.

What if some woman who was praying to Jesus and closing her eyes while she was driving drove through your garden and ruined everything? What would you do that? I would be, I would be upset. Yeah. I would say thanks for the new 10 minutes. You know, it's like, do we, you know, there's one thing about texting and driving,

but praying with your eyes closed. I know. I know. She ran into a house. Dear Lord, just take me to a new place to live. I mean, she can say that was God's plan, right? Yes, yes. It was.

Okay, you ready for the next one? The devil made me do it. Ben Lee? Yes. According to the internet, I have your birthday of September 11th. True. Hey, I'll never forget it.

Way to go, Ben. Way to go. A coincidence? I think not. 9-11 was a birthday job. What's up, Epstein? Playing like Ben? A lot of people are saying, like Dan said,

Ben's birthday is an inside job. Okay, here we go. Between his parents, it was an inside job. Yeah, of course. I saw the documentary, Loose Change. I know what's up. Are you ready? Yep.

I'm ready. September 11 documentary, Loose Change. I know what's up. Are you ready? Yep. I'm ready. September 11th, Florida man is actually, much like Jim's, Florida woman. Florida woman bites, hits man with light bulb for taking her broomstick, deputies say. Can you consider that a good idea? I don't know, but this person was- Because it involved a light bulb? Look at her. She was born angry.

This woman doesn't want to speak to your manager. She wants to clobber your manager. She was born with two black eyes. Bites and hits the guy with the light bulb. First of all, that better not be the order. Because if somebody's

already bit you, get out of there. I would understand, but you need your distance after you let yourself get bitten. And I don't mean as in victim blame. I mean, you continue to cohabitate with this person. Fighting is very intimate. Isn't it? Jim, you... She's in the middle of a quibbage game.

I was going to say, like, how much can you love your broomstick? Ben, is that an Australian thing? I mean... I was not able to grasp the conflict what was the here's the verb the man told them that would be the police that he had been in a verbal spat which is the nicest way to put something that results in you taking a broom and getting hit with a light bulb okay in a verbal spat on monday with kimberly ruth man

but things got violent after she picked up a broomstick. I'm sorry, yes, after she did. The Miami Herald reported, first, she poked him with it. Then the man said he grabbed the stick, but Mann wasn't going to let him have it. So this whole argument's over a broom? She picked it up. I fully endorse poking as

a more pacifist approach to fighting. Yes. There should be so. More poking. There should be so much more poking. Poke each other, don't punch. Yeah, poking's fine. Facebook tried to get us all to do that. Is that still a thing?

Poking someone on Facebook? It can't be, right? I don't think you can do that. Oh, it feels so problematic. It does, right? I don't know. Ask our mom. She's on the Zoom. She's on Facebook all the time.

Karen, I think you can't poke someone when they're sleeping. That's true. No. Don't do anything to anybody when they're sleeping. That's true. No. Don't do anything to anybody when they're sleeping. What, Jim? She's got pretty eyes. She does.

Jim, you have 27 kids. Is that right? That's correct. I do. I do. You've had to mitigate and deal with some fights. Serious fights. Oh, my God. you've had to that you've had to mitigate and deal with some fights serious fights i mean is that the order it goes poking hitting biting or poking biting hitting i know you've been in the middle of it well there's always a light bulb too yeah yes there's always a lot but someone grabs a

light bulb uh-huh uh you know it's like you know it's also it's very similar to uh it's once a light bulb gets involved that's i don't know it's weird it's always kind of like like ben said i don't even know how to grab on to this one it's like there's information the deputy said like there's got to be some part of this that we're not knowing this is not a fight over a broom this this is a fight over like other things. This isn't even a fight that started that day. Yeah. And I'm not going to be the only person to point this out.

I just want to help her with her eyebrows. Yeah. She was into it. She was into her eyebrows. No, she went to the person who does her eyebrows and says, I want you to make me look curious. Surprised. Always surprised.

Always interested. Always interested. Always surprised. Well, there you go. Those are the Florida men. Are you guys, are we ready to get into a story? Are you guys ready to get into a story? Okay.

All right, let's do it. Here we go. This was sent in by Catherine Tuck. Catherine Lorna. Tuck rule. Love her. Here we go this was sent in by katherine tuck and katherine laura here we go ready yes we only need the headline that last story even with the lorbin everything was never enough we didn't get enough out of it this is all you need okay let's hear it so much more let's hear it man who lost penis to blood infection has new one built on his arm. No. Yes.

And this is real. Oh my God. Why? Why the arm? Just to get it closer. We're going to learn so much in the course of this story. Trust me. I heard he spent an arm and a leg for it.

Oh God. At Sklar Brothers. I blame my hat for that joke. It happens. A British man whose penis fell off. You thought you were having a bad day. I mean, we've all stepped in it. Honey, where are my keys?

What am I forgetting? What am I forgetting? I think I dropped something. There were probably some warnings before it fell off. You would hope, right? We can't just be walking around like Mr. Potato Head. It was probably dangling a little bit. Maybe it was like, you know, this thing just fell off.

He was like, I can get another day out of this. I promised myself I would get my oil changed first. Do you have an erection that lasts more than four hours if you describe your penis as hanging on by a thread call a physician describe your junk as living on a prayer okay he didn't have enough iron in his diet i know he didn't or grip a british man who's need some gorilla tape a british man whose penis fell off due to a severe blood infection had a new one built on his arm where he even got an extra two inches this is a long way to go to get a bigger penis

victory victory victory wait is that important here right yeah but how like anyone sitting there is sure he's got a penis on his arm but is it longer

than the other one I'm not impressed I love that's a New Yorker I'm not impressed same length Jim I want you to do one of my

favorite I'm gonna make you do it one of my favorite jokes ever is the guy. This is such an old joke of yours. The guy who drove up and asked you for directions in New York City and asked you, please. He just looked at you and said. Yeah.

Well, in New York City, people don't ask for directions. They just demand them. They'll just be like, well, Hall and Tunnel. Like you were supposed to directions like i don't even know it's my shift hey how big is this penis so you know how big is it two inches longer more i just love the conversation that doctor was like now, now we're going to have to, I've got a good solution. We're going to grow

you another penis. You know how people grow extra penises. But instead of the crotch area, which is just disgusting. What if we did it on your arm? That way, you know, that way you're near

your watch. You're near your arm. That way, you know, that way you're near your watch. You're near your watch. You always know what time it is. That feels like a reach. Literally. Also, I love what Ben says. I'll do it if you make it two inches longer than the other one. I love that Ben just calling it victory

because it makes me want to say, despite this whole story, you just cut to the guy fist pumping himself. Literally. Do you want to say like despite this whole story you just cut to the guy like fist pumping himself literally literally fist pumping okay are you do you want to see what this guy looks like uh do we have to yeah of course we do so is it um is it going to like function well we're gonna we're gonna find out here he is ready yeah all right it's downward face that is the definition of downward facing dog if you know what i mean this might be the greatest high school senior picture i've ever seen put your chin up a little more because i want i want a better picture of your face what should i do with my non-dick arm?

Put it on a fist under your... Oh. You're thinking maybe we'll get a picture of you just in the room. How about in the park? park you know like you take a year right let's go outside you want to do this outside there's probably better lighting outside photographers like just act natural he's like i can't i can't even go near a school are you kidding me let's try one have you seen this statue of the thinker I just want him I just want him

to try to join any pickup basketball I'm on skins you're on shirts long sleeves you're on long sleeve shirts he got me on the look at my arm every time he tries to drive the lane he's like I got it Long sleeves. Long sleeve shirts. You're on long sleeve shirts. He got me on the arm. He got me on the arm. Every time he tries to drive the lane, he's like, I got it. I got it.

He got me on the arm. His face looks too casual and too concerned at the same time. He's trying to like have gravitas. His facial expression and the blurred image indicates he's not impressed by the photographer. Forget about... He's not impressed by the penis. It looks like it was involuntarily placed there. That's right.

He's just hanging out, literally. Look what I'm stuck with. My favorite thing about this is actually take away the penis on his arm. Dress shirt, dress pants, sneakers. Adidas sneakers. Also, the dress shirt, dress pants, sneakers. Yeah, sneakers. Also, the dress shirt,

I'm not shaming at all, but I just feel like all the focus is going to be on your arm penis. I get that. But the shirt's uncomfortably tight for me. It feels like he's not comfortable in it. He's too tight. When you're growing a penis on your arm, you're eating for two.

Every time he goes into a TJ Maxx, he's like, do you have shirts where there's a lot of room in the floor? I need a puffy shirt. He needs a puffy shirt. He's just Seinfeld puffy shirt. Oh, my God. Suddenly, he's always... Go ahead, Jim.

No, no. I don't understand. Why is it the arm yeah well listen he's suddenly now only dressing in flamenco dancer wear jesus i love it i it just takes a little elbow grease guys and then we can get something done in this world okay malcolm malcolm i'm sorry malcolm mcdonald malcolm in the middle. Malcolm McDonald. McDonald's. 45 years old. 45. That guy is three years younger than us. There's no way

he's 45. He's 45, but his dick is a newborn. It's a brave baby dick. Okay. Where was I? Malcolm. Baby Dick McDonald. He's a mechanic. What kind of work can he get done now? I don't know. You're like flopping around under the

hood of your car. I don't need a dipstick. I'll just drip this in there. I mean, this is a beautiful car. Hey, listen, you want me to keep that hood open? You got to excite me.

He's a mechanic. He suffered a horrific infection in his perineum if you're in college that's the taint yeah uh that turned his fingers toes and manhood black the sun reported this comes by the way this article does come from the new york post even though that's from the sun okay quote i had struggled for years with an infection in my perineum that is so uncomfortable but I had no idea what could happen. The separated dad of two. Why do you need to put that in there? Separated.

I know. We're down with the break. We're just trying to talk. Yeah, it's not an official divorce. When she sees my arm, she told me I needed to do some growing, and I'm going to prove her right. Just like his penis, he's waiting for it to completely fall apart my arm she told me i needed to do some growing and i'm gonna prove her right just like just like his penis he's waiting for it to completely fall apart before he gets it i'm sure he left him

because he looks like he's 70 yes it has nothing to do with no penis uh the separated data to from thetford i tried or tetford norfolk i. I told the outlet. Quote, when I saw my penis go black, I was beside myself. That is an understatement. Yeah. Once you go black, you fall off. You had a black penis. You probably should have been excited. Quote, it was like a horror film.

I was in complete panic. That's racist. It is not. That's the most positive thing I could say. I knew deep down it was gone and i was going to lose it yes he said quote he was completely gutted when his penis quote this is what gets you into dumb people town wording like this and again our mom is on the zoom i just want everyone to remind when, quote, just dropped off onto the floor. Which means he was naked when it happened or it wiggled down the floor.

That happened at an Applebee's. We didn't order that. Can you wrap that up? Maybe he was in the middle of showing his wife. He's like, you can't leave me. I gotta show you something. She's literally signing

the divorce papers. If this stays on, you stay. You don't know what's going to happen to gotta show you something. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She's literally signing the divorce papers and then it falls off. If this stays on, you stay. You don't know what's going to happen to me if you go. Quote, he says it had just dropped onto the floor in 2014 but his testicles remained intact according to the outlet, which I feel has a point that he keeps pushing. He's like, put that in there.

Make sure they write that. Put that in there. We thought 2020 was bad. Yes. Yes. Because I had been through the devastation of knowing i was going to lose it i just picked it up and put it in the bin oh i know that's too cavalier to lose your penis and then just throw it in the garbage i mean i would have put it's just weird that they call the garbage can a bin. A bin. Come on, grow up. And a trunk is not a boot. A trunk is not a boot. Shut up.

Also, cut to the guy who's like, here's the deal. Every Saturday, I rummage through people's garbage. You won't believe what I found. There's great stuff in there. Look at this dead snake. All right. I just want to put this. He should have put it in like a

shadow box with like a frank lampard jersey that's what i'm saying yes listen i say why isn't he composting this yes please good to give it back to the earth that's right okay he says uh he threw it into the bin uh where was i with that oh go. Quote, I went to the hospital and they said the best they could do for me was to roll up the remaining stump like a little sausage roll. It was heartbreaking. That's the worst bedside manner I've ever heard in my life. Oh, do you like bangers and mash? We're going to roll this up. We're going to do both.

We're going to do both. Sausage roll is very big in West Virginia. Well, you know, sausage roll, sausage roll, and I hate to go back to an old Jim Gaffigan bit, is Great Britain's answer to the Hot Pocket. It kind of is. It is. It really is. It's their empanada.

They're kolache for all my Houston. It's like the Australians have the meat pie right then. Yeah, yeah, meat pie. We have sausage rolls too. But that conversation between doctor and patient is so disturbing. It is. You're going to tell this guy we can't do anything for you other than a little roll up, and you got to get out of here.

It's the stiff upper dropped off penis. I mean, I guess you could put it in a tiny blanket if you want my little pig okay quote for two years after losing my penis i felt like a shadow of a man but then he found out from his doctor about a so-called, quote, penis master. Who is this doctor? If you told me it was Liam Neeson on a mountain in Tibet, I would believe you. Listen to me. Last time you were in here, I know I sounded crazy. We were going to roll it up like a little sausage. I could have used better words.

However, the reason I called you back in, have you heard of the penis master? The penis master. Penis master. Penis Master. And you know, Ron Jeremy has been accused of a lot of things. Exactly. A lot. This was Suzanne Somers' failed product that she was never able to get off the ground. The Penis Master is Professor David Ralph of London's University College Hospital.

What is he a professor of? The phallus expert famously created, quote, a bionic penis for Andrew Wardle, who was born without one, according to The Sun. Quote, this is back to Malcolm McDonald, it gave me a glimmer of hope that I could go back to being a normal bloke. A bionic, every time he has sex, it goes, da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

That's right. Call it a kit. Ralph, that was an iRider, dude. I know-na. That's right. Call the kit. Ralph. That was an iRider, Dan. I know. I still call the kit. But here's my thing. I want to bring back the $6 million man, but I want to do it with today's medical system.

So what $6 million can get you? Can just get him a replaced knee. That's all it gets you. So he still has to fight crime, but he also has medical bills that he still has to pay. Because he's not, everything's out of network. Ralph said that the penis master could perform an arm graft procedure, which would take up to two years.

So you have to really want that dick back. It's a commitment. It's a commitment. Fortunately, he received funding for the procedure. This is why our country needs to be so much better. He's getting this covered. He's getting this covered? He received funding for the procedure because it would eventually allow him to urinate properly,

not just perform sexually. Hello, Annette Sklar. I'm sorry. My mom is still on the Zoom. I think my daughter's watching too. This is what I love. Quote, it was all my Christmases all at once. How happy is

Malcolm McDonald? Or how bad were his Christmases been? This to me is an indication this guy hasn't had a real Christmas. I was so emotional because it was a chance at a boxing day more than Christmas. It needed to be returned.

It was my boxing day. Quote, I wasn't... Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead. Sorry. No, you can jump in whenever you want. Please, Jim. We all have staring wells.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just here fishing. I'm fishing in a steakhouse. Oh, okay. Do I want to make a Rooster's joke? Quote, I wasn't worried about the procedure because I had seen what Professor Ralph

and his team could do. As far as I was concerned, they were miracle workers and I was up for anything that would give me my willy back. Quote, not having a penis felt awful. It's most men's worst fear. I can think of worst fear.

I can literally think of one worst fear, having a penis on awful. It's most men's worst fear. I can think of worst fear. I can literally think of one worst fear, having a penis on your arm. That would literally be the worst fear. For me, I was never worried about sex because I already had two children. You're 45, not 95. Jesus.

I don't understand. He's like, there's the penis master doctor who's like, I so there's the penis master doctor who's like i built a robot dick before and the guy's like so great you're gonna build me a robot dick he goes no i'm gonna over the course of two years i'm gonna grow a peanut grow you a penis amazing on your arm okay now do you know that's not where a penis listen i'm a penis man how many times in conversations with this guy did he say which one of us is the penis master you answer me that question and then i'll answer you the question you had this would literally be

like a contractor coming to your house and being like, we're going to put the toilet in the kitchen. Let me hang on. Go with me on this. This is where you want it. It was always more about my self-confidence and simple things like using the loo. McDonald also decided to request an extra two inches on the $65,000 appendage. Wow. Now, that's a lot of money. And you want two more inches? An extra two inches on the $65,000 appendage. Wow.

Now, that's a lot of money. And you want two more inches? I'd stop while you're ahead, buddy. Here's a picture I want to show. Again, I would say before inches, I would say not the arm. Right. Find a better place to do it. It's real estate. It's location, location, location.

Okay. Ready to look at another picture of him? Does it move from the arm eventually? We'll get there, yes. I mean, maybe it's like Jim Gaffigan's garden. Yeah, it could totally be. Okay, ready for this? Here we go.

Why does he look so angry? I don't know. Also, that's the worst way to present your penis, even if it was in the right place. He's like a waiter. He's like a waiter, like, offering it to you. Like, can I interest you in the specials tonight? Yes.

We have a hot dog. Would you like me to top you off? He looks like he's like, fine, I'll show it. But then are we done mom i know i know i know he doesn't look divorced at all no they were happy they were happy to listen to what i wanted it to be like which was amazing not many can say they have a designer penis not many should just him and prince i would argue that you don't you couldn't say that i would say the same thing uh-huh surgeons

formed a new manhood with its own blood vessels and nerves using a skin flap on the left arm of the right-handed man they created a urethra and installed two tubes inflated with a hand pump allowing him to achieve an erection the shaft was then moved removed was then removed from his forearm leaving the base allowing it to form natural skin and tissue he's now waiting it for The shaft was then removed from his forearm, leaving the base, allowing it to form natural skin and tissue. He's now waiting for it to be finally transferred to its proper location. Which is Palm Beach, Florida. The thing. So here's a diagram of how it works, everybody.

You grow it on the arm. Grow it on the arm. Yes. This is the garden, Jim. This is the... He looks so different in this picture. I don't recognize him

without the deep level of sadness in his eyes. Time for Christmas. I also hope that they just give you that when they're like, all right, so we've given you that. You do the rest of the work.

It's like ikea you got an allen wrench you gotta take out the allen wrench you put it in there there's always like five like haven't we bought things from ikea and you still have like i still have parts from things that we built years ago and i just take them and i put them in a plastic bag and i drop them behind the washer that's smart i would love it if I would love it if they went through all these steps, like they threw it on his arm, and then they showed him the graph, and they're like, all right, so come in.

We're going to attach it to your crotch. We just need your old penis that you dropped off. And he's like, wait, but I... I threw that out. It didn't go out. You didn't throw it out. I didn't throw it out. We need that. I thought you said I could throw it out.

No. No. We need that. Why would you throw out your penis? We need it. Rain above it? Come on, you can't throw out a penis. You can't throw out a penis. You can't throw out a penis.

You have to recycle it. When I saw it on my arm for the first time, I was so proud. After everything I had been through, it didn't feel weird at all. It was just part of me. That's true and weird. Yes. Pride is not the thing that I want. I was like any other man.

No, you were not. You were not. I just couldn't leave it alone to begin with. You need to. That is still. That's right. That is harassment. After everything I'd been through, it didn't feel with. You need to. That is still, that is harassment. After everything I'd been through,

it didn't feel weird. It was just the best thing ever. I took to it so much. I think the thing is you want it to take to you. That's right. Then he says, I nicknamed it Jimmy. No. Malcolm, this is why she left.

And if he became an arm wrestler and hit the circuit, I don't think anyone would tell me. It's called over the tip. It's over the circuit. I don't think anyone would tell me... It's called Over the Tip. It's Over the... You're done? Over the tip. Over the tip. And when he really wants his kid back, the penis

comes up and goes over the person's head. Then you know that he's going to win. I love... In that movie... And it turns the condom around backwards when it's ready to go. In that movie,

people had a problem with Sylvester Stallone just beating that gigantic guy. I'm like, I love that people didn't have a problem with him winning custody of his kid through an arm wrestling match. Yeah, that's the unbelievable part, that he beat the big guy. How about the fact that he gets his kid back? Right.

But it's my chance at a normal life. It's been the first step towards being able to go to the toilet and be intimate with someone. I thought you didn't want sex. She's a lane here. I know. He said, McDonald said that despite wearing long-s long sleeve shirts to hide his bulge people have sometimes spotted his misplaced member could you imagine I mean I'm sitting down to a bar in Chicago and this guy pulls I would look at him and go thank you for the next album yeah exactly

you did it buddy oh my god people ask me about it when they see me Dan's first album is thanks Diane his second album would be thanks Malcolm. To Malcolm and Jimmy. People ask me about it when they see me at the pub and of course make jokes, but I get it. It's not every day you see a man with a penis on his arm. It's not any day. It's no day at all. There's no day.

There's no day. I see someone raising their hand in the back. Oh no, it's you Malcolm. Please don't point. Of course, I see the funny side i have to i don't have any other option if i couldn't laugh at the willie on my arm i'd be finished he added and then they did get him to smile and it was worth it for me to show all of you oh my god the willie in our the willie in my arm does sound like it's its own version of the Indian in the cupboard.

Look at him. You're scaring the kids, Malcolm. Is that a smile? It's like a wince. His teeth are gone. His teeth are gone. It's a wince. He doesn't really know. He looks like he's holding out the saddest little pinata.

Exactly. But his penis is still not This is exactly like that Kathy Griffin photo. Yeah. Holding up Trump's decapitated head. Oh my god. It has been more than two

years since it was supposed to take two years to get his penis back. I will now ask Ben, Jim, Randy, Jason, how long do you think it has been since he had this procedure with still a penis on his arm and nothing between his legs? Ben or Jim, you are a guest. You can go first or take whatever you want. I'm going to say he still doesn't.

I'm going to say it's still on his arm. You got to give me a number. How many years? Four years. Ben, what do you think? I'm going to go eight years. Eight years. I don't look dated.

I'm going to go six. Jason, what do you think? Five years. One of you is exactly right. All right. So now we get to play the game of who do you think is exactly right. Jim, who do you think is right? Yourself or

somebody else? Well, I'm the penis master. That's a joke. Well, didn't it happen in 2014 and then two years later the doctor who said... I might have said that. All right.

So, Ben, what do you think? What do I think about what? Who do you think is exactly right? Well, I think I'm right. That's why I said my guess. I love it. That's confidence. Oh, wait.

Did I say six years? I said six years. So, it's me. I'm going to say Jim's right. It's four. I think it's four because it was 2014. Oh, you know what? It might be.

Six. It might be. What's the smallest number that someone got? Oh, I said five. Wait. I believe myself. I believe in me. Okay.

I believe in me. All right. Due to a series of missed appointments, scheduling problems, staff shortages, and at the hospital. You never want to hear the shortage relation to your penis. Also, you know what? If you're trying to go a dick on your arm, don't miss your appointment. Give me a priority. I thought this was all your Christmases. He can't wear a watch.

You're reminded for that. They canceled again due to the coronavirus, but it feels like I'm Let me ask you something. Do you put the Apple Watch on the penis? I think you do. Look at how many steps I got today. do. Look at how many steps I got today. Look at how many steps I got. They canceled again on him because of the coronavirus.

It feels like I'm cursed sometimes, he said. No, you're not cursed. Your penis fell off. You're fine. We don't deal with bad luck. He said, adding that he hopes to finally have it grafted between his legs by the end of the year I'm determined this penis will ultimately be used what it was built for

he has been waiting a total of four years wow very nice brilliant you are the penis master and with that that's our first story and so we go back to Ben Lee Ben why don't you play us another She's a penis master. You are the penis master. And with that, that's our first story.

And so we go back to Ben Lee. Ben, why don't you play us another song and then we'll talk about what you got going on. Right on. Okay, here's another new one. It's about re-evaluating hedonism as an adult. Something in the corner calls me Trials lane, stuff and me Adventures I perceived when I was small

Life in present tenses The arrangement of the senses I'm unraveling the mystery down the hall And then my parents' voices Come intruding on my choices While I fight to earn the right to have some fun Running off to join the circus Of my personal perversions

My destiny is further But the finest wines are wasted on the young All poets are forsaken Read them Rambo, Keats, and William Blake I'm young and I'm pretentious, I don't care Reaching for the gods, yeah, all I ask for Is a nod of recognition, come on, prove to me you're there Desires all around me and it calls me and it taunts me Like it keeps an ancient secret I forgot

Of those wee years of dreaming Yes, I'm not to wake up screaming But I still prefer my madness to anything you've got Sex and drugs and rock and roll What better now than back when I began to kiss my lips and feed

my soul. I came to hear the band. Growing up means taking chances, selling soul for big advances, mortgages a family needs space Vacationing on sunny beaches Scheduling of parent-teachers

Conversations we don't want to face But underneath it still There is a brutal source of will That wants to storm the gates of heaven Just because And a growing new commitment To a radicalized vision Some things take their time to grasp

Like understanding sex and drugs and rock and roll. What better now than back when we began? So kiss my lips and heal

my soul. Aim to hear the band when i touch you now i can finally hear the sound it's like the world senses enemy no more and all those silly past frustrations now just bodies undulating i accept the job i came here for i taste the fruit the nectar drips. And I'm a sucker for your hips. The universe is singing like a bird. Connected to the cosmos. I cannot believe we're this close. Love is just a word until there's music playing. Sex and drugs and rock and roll.

I better have them back when I began So kiss my lips and feed my soul Come on baby, breathe it in, yeah we remember everything, it's clearer than it's ever been We came to hear

the band We came to hear the band. We came to hear the band. Wow. Yes, sir. Lee. Wow. That was good.

You might want to write some lyrics. I mean, I know it's all instrumental with you, but Jesus. Wow. Stick around. Make a sound's all instrumental with you, but Jesus. Wow. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more at Uncle People Town. I love the new stuff.

It's so good. I can't wait for that album to come out. But you have an album or you've been producing stuff with our buddy, Josh Radner. Let people know how they can check that stuff out and other stuff for you. Yeah, me and Josh have a little duo called Radner and Lee, very creatively named. Love it.

And we put out a record. We put out a couple. The last one's called Golden State. It came out a month ago. People are going to listen on streaming services and whatnot. Check it out. It is so good. I love it.

I've been listening to it as I hike around the neighborhood and buy your house. love it man it's so good thank you for doing this and being a part of this everyone on the zoom and everyone who's uh who's listening to this podcast definitely continue to check out his stuff we love it benley music is a good follow on uh instagram and are you on twitter as well or just yes i am i am and it's ben Lee music. And then, thanks, man. And Gaffigan, you've got the new Sirius station. It's a whole station of Gaffigan and things that you love. It's like getting an airport named after you. Jesus.

It's the last channel on the thing. Like, I was excited. And then I did an interview, and they're like, oh, you're like channel 780. I'm like, oh, what's that mean? And they're like, oh, you're like channel 780. I'm like, oh, what's that mean? And they're like, well, you know how many channels they have? And I'm like, no, no, it's 780. So it's the last stop.

But it's still flattering. It is. Dude, it's great. It's amazing. That's what you should call it. Jim Gaffigan's last stop for comedy. It's the last stop. The last stop. Well, it's great.

And you have a special on Amazon. I highly recommend people go back and watch all of your specials. If you're not a Jim Gaffigan connoisseur. Get on it. Get on it. Get into it right now. Catch the net. New special just dropped or is dropping?

No, it just came out, right? Just dropped. Yeah, it's up there now. It's a two-part special. It's going to be three parts, but Corona hit. But it's a special. I shot one in Canada and one in Spain.

And I was going to do one in Mexico City. All right, that's to come. And now I'm fishing in a steakhouse. I love it. I want everyone to check those things out, please. And we are going to announce huge news. Are you guys ready for this? If you're a townie perk up.

So we are going to do this again, this live thing that we're doing. Are you guys enjoying this live show? Everyone who's here for this. We're going to do it again. We're going to do it again on September 26th, which is a Saturday night and our guests are Mike Birbiglia. And the music of Mike Doty, who is the lead singer of soul coughing and has a great solo career himself. So that's it. Tickets are on sale. Uh, now the ticket link is live.

So after the show, get the tickets. If you buy your tickets tonight, sometime tonight, we will grab five people, no matter what level you grab, except for VIP. And we will bump you up to right so five random people who buy tickets tonight uh before this end so i'd say 12 o'clock our time so you got plenty of time on the east coast uh five people will be randomly chosen to get a vip ticket so if you buy a group you buy a couple you buy whatever you will automatically five people begin that only goes for tonight so we're going to pull the list of names of people and email addresses that bought tickets by midnight tonight.

We want to do this on a regular basis because we're having so much fun. What's good is you know that this show will be happening on the 26th because you're never leaving this situation.

That's right. I can't wait until Jim does a show on this. I'm stuck in a steakhouse. Only fishing equipment. I imagine I'm just like that corporate the higher up

guy in the years. He was like a fisherman guy I'd have to lose some more weight but no listen the pandemic is like a penis on the arm we're wondering when is it going to end when do we move it back down our lungs it's like all our Christmases

but the amazing thing is there's shows not that we're going to be doing this indefinitely but I have a show here on zoom that will be, uh, it's, it's, uh,

scheduled for November, 2025. Oh, but if you buy tickets tonight, uh, you'll be bumped up. Okay. Thank you for doing that.

Thank you for your service. Thank you so much. Everyone gets a penis on their arm. Penis on your arm. To the first five people get a penis on their arm. Man or woman. Two people. We should do a song about penis on the arm.

I think there's some lyrics in that, right? It's called I'm Shaking My Hands For You. It's called Stand Up Guy. No, but also. Or Arm Foreskin. shaking my hands for you it's called stand up guy um no but uh also arm foreskin also mike burbigley is doing a show on nowhere comedy club on oh that's right on august 25th you can get your tickets uh through nowhere comedy club event right look up mike burbigley i love these guys we keep supporting live comedy you guys are the best for supporting this and us let's jump into this story. Shall we, Dan? Let's do it. This was sent in by Rich McCabe at Rich TMC. I've got some news for you guys.

It's a greenling. Dan looking in. He'll wait. I'll wait. I'll wait all goddamn night for you kids. I'll wait till the penis on your arm goes down. You think I can't be a mean uncle? Get in the truck. We've got a Greenlee. Okay, let us

explain now to Jim and to Ben what a Greenlee is. So, Will Greenlee is a reporter. When we say journalist, we are putting every air quote we can around that. He writes for the TC Palm down in the Treasure Coast in Florida. And he writes about the dumbest stories ever that happened down there.

And we like to think that he is given a mandate to write a 1200 word story. And he only has 600 words of story every time. So then what he does is fills that space by over explaining things that we already know what pants are or how an anchor works. Or he one time did two verses of the thong song. He put two verses of the thong song in an article. Ben and Jim, what I do is I then pull out those weird things he explains that everybody already knows or doesn't need to know. And then I might add in some of my own. And you will have to guess who wrote that crazy over explanation of something was will greenlee or dan van kurk and i'm going to tell

you something dan is so good at this that like we we have never known dan like a penis on your arm is going to get inside your head and you will not will arnett started crying when he played this played this game and bobby lee stopped being sober. So it is broken. And Michael Che claimed to have the pattern. He claimed he knew what was going on, and the second he claimed he knew the pattern, he got the next three wrong. Now I will bring you guys up to speed. So the way it will work

is if the person who said or wrote this was Will Greenlee, we will all see this. Let me bring it up right here. That's Will Greenlee. That's Will Greenlee. We will all see this. Let me bring it up right here. That's Will Greenlee. Look at him. He's got to get that

mold checked out. I don't think so. That's his thinking. His brain is... He's got to move that mold to his arm. If I am the person who wrote it, when we reveal the answer, you will see this. Dan waiting for ice cream.

Yes. Before you got your penis removed. That's before. You look like you're playing a game of Simon Says and you're not allowed to stand up. You look like you're blind for some reason.

I don't know why. I look like if I wait here long enough, she'll come back. And you look like you're currently being deprogrammed from a cult. You look like, how long do I have to sit outside before I can go back in? Dan, if you stay here and keep smiling and don't make any noise, you can go floating down that river behind you. This is like if people took dog commands. Stay.

That's right, Dan. Stay. Stay. Hands down. Stay. If you tell yourself that that isn't a picnic table, it looks like a pallet is stuck to my hands and I'm trying to pretend it's not happening. Why did I put my hands in super glue?

I love this book. Here here we go here's the story all right martin county a woman accused of pouring a pot i should probably not block my face a woman accused of pouring a pot of spaghetti water on her husband got to dry out in the Martin County Jail, according to a report. Now, our mom, who was listening to this when we were kids, accidentally poured spaghetti, like hot pasta water on her leg. And she had a burn on her leg.

She had a burn on her leg for years and years and years. So this is not a nice thing to do. This ain't no joke. Well, what could be considered a soggy case boiled over. He's an artist, my friend. Boiled over. Speaking of boiled, show the picture

of him. Show the picture. Boiled over about 1250 AM, May 27th, when Martin County Sheriff's deputies went to an unspecified address in Stewart. I love that the cops are like, we're not telling you where it is, Will. You'll drive by and take a picture of their house. We're not telling you. The woman

said her hubby returned home intoxicated and they started quarreling about signing divorce papers, as one does. By the way, if you're fighting about signing divorce papers, sign them. Right. Yes. Also, you're getting divorced. Yes. Somebody needs to go

live in a tent in the backyard. If you're that on the edge with each other. Never start a fight when someone's starting pasta, by the way, too. This is something we should know. Ready? Intoxication refers to a person consuming alcoholic drinks or drugs, causing them to lose control of their faculties or behavior with usually bad results. Unlike intoxicating which

usually refers to something good like perfume or the smell of fresh fruit okay okay that was in the article jim or was it or was it so now is now was that dan who wants you to know the definition of intoxication and that intoxicating can sometimes refer to perfume or fresh fruit. Do you think that's Greenlee or Dan? Jim, what do you think? I think that's Greenlee. Okay. By the way, Jim, you played some great characters in movies recently. The way you just said that was like you worked for CBS News way back in the 1960s when they first set. And for me, I think

that's Greenlee. I think that's Greenlee. I'm going to go Greenlee. Dan, what do you think? I'm going to go Dan. You think that's Dan? Wow. I'm nervous. Now I'm nervous. Don't be nervous because we've played this game

so much and I'm telling you, Jim, I have no clue. I actually think I think because one time Dan did it were in the game. Every single one was Greenlee. And another time he did it, every single one was Dan. Because you have to ask the philosophical question is does Greenlee think the people that he's writing for are so stupid that he has to explain these things or that he covers all this crime. If people are dumb enough to commit these crimes and continue to do so, I'm doing it for a dumb readership.

I think that's Greenlee. Okay. I think it's like, it's so amazing because not only does he explain intoxicated, but then he goes on to explain... Intoxicating. You know what? I've got the time.

Look out for people. I love fruit. I'm talking about perfume. You know what I mean? I mean, look, I don't want people to make the mistake. I better be safe than sorry. All right, Jay, what do you think? I think it's Greenlee.

Okay. All right. You got three Greenlees and one Dan. Okay. And none of us know if we're right. Tonnies, whether your mic is muted or not, right now, I would like to hear what do you think? Greenlee? Greenlee. Greenlee.

Greenlee. Okay. All right. Okay. I don't know. That was maybe the most honest answer I heard. Well, none of us know. The person who wanted you to know the definition of intoxication and intoxicating also, contrarily refers to something good like perfume or the smell of fresh fruit.

That was written by me. Bentley. I know. Thank you guys. Thank you. That is Christ. Me. Oh! Ben Lee. I know. Thank you, guys. Thank you. That is... That could have very well been Greenlee. Jay and I both got fooled.

We played this game more than anyone, and I literally was convinced it was Greenlee. Okay. I don't know who I am. I don't want to... I think, you know, I don't want to put the penis on the arm here, but... Did Dan... Did you steal that formula from another one where he describes it...

He explains a word and then he goes on to explain... Yes. He loves to do that. He loves to do that. Dan is aping many, many old Greenlee tricks. There are many Greenlee tropes. Sometimes he'll write a whole article, no over explanation of anything in the whole thing.

And we're like, who are you anymore? Yeah, do I even know you? What newspaper does he write for? For the TC Palm. You have now entered the stage where every guest gets where they start to wonder, who is he doing this and why is he doing this? But for real, like when he writes her article where he doesn't over explain anything, it's like you don't even understand it.

It's like the first time I took my kids to Subway and they ordered food for the first time. They ordered things that we've never eaten in our entire lives. I'll have a tuna with lettuce and cheese and spinach. I was like, you don't even eat those things. Who are you? I don't even know you. Greenlee knows you guys do this, right?

I think he does. You got to get him as a guest. I think we may have to get him on a future one. I think the internet would explode. The internet is a series of tubes. A woman said that her husband, quote, took a pot of water he set on the stove to boil spaghetti and poured it on her.

Wait, he took... She's saying that he poured the water on her. Okay, all right. Italian in origin, spaghetti is a thin cylindrical pasta made with water and milled wheat it is high in carbohydrates and often served with a sauce such as pesto, bolognese, or marinara

Ben, Jim, Sklars who wants you to know what spaghetti is you think that's Dan first of all it's like you don't even start with pesto you start with i liked him repping pesto so yeah i'm a big pesto man so you think that's any lead with it you think that's greenlee yeah i do all right okay i think it's greenlee too i'm so turned around right now

i don't know anything jay i'm gonna go i gotta put the hat back on god you're thinking that i'm gonna say i think that's greenly okay the person who wanted you to know that italian and origin spaghetti is a thin cylindrical pasta made with water and milled wheat it is high in carbohydrates and often served with a sauce such as that's like a penny that's a penny the person who wrote that It is high in carbohydrates and often served with a sauce such as pesto. It's not cylindrical necessarily. That's like a penny. That's a penny. The person who wrote that.

Townies? Greenlee. The person who wrote that. Here we go. Is? Of course, Greenlee. So he did start with pesto, Jim. Yes, he did.

That's how he gets you. See, that's how he gets you. You know, it's like, so what we've seen just in these two is Dan does a better version of Greeley than Greenlee himself. That's why this game is impossible to try and get. That's why we will never. You can play this game is impossible to try and get. That's why we will... You can play this a million times. So two things are coming out of this. After this is over with,

Jim Gaffigan is only... He assumes that somebody reading the article is like, I was reading your article, but I didn't know what Paxil was. Yes! Now you get it. Right.

I was reading your article, but I'd never seen glasses before, so I didn't know. Dan is so good at this, I'm going to start calling him Dan Lee. I'll take it. And Ben is so good at this, I'm going to start calling him Ben Lee.

You should. Here we go. Ben should be better at this. What are you, Ben? Two for two? Two for two. He's two for two. You got to go with Ben Lee.

Meanwhile, deputies noted that the woman's shirt was dry and her jeans had some water spots, which given a combination of oxygen, heat, and time would disappear. Who wants you to know how water spots go away? Water spots is like comedy. Tragedy plus time. Yes. How do they go away? All right Yes Alright Jim who do you think it is Well I mean it almost seems Like it's not insane

Enough I'm going to say That it's Dan Okay Ben what do you think Yeah I'm going to go Dan on this one too Okay I think this is a mislead Ben, what do you think? Yeah, I'm going to go Dan on this one too. Okay. Jay?

Jay, Rand? I think this is a mislead that Dan pulled something that was like kind of a sidebar thing that wasn't an over-explanation. And that's why he's tricking you into thinking that it's Dan, but it's actually Greenlee. Okay. I think it's Dan. Okay. This is how divided, we're a house divided. The person that wants you to

know how water spots disappear with a combination of time, oxygen, and heat in comedy is me. Yay! Yes.

Jay, you're the only one who didn't do it. Wait, Ben, are you three for three, Ben? I'm three for three. I'm sure someone has said this before, but I think people are overthinking it. No, you don't know the pattern. You don't know it. It's not?

It's not. Ben. Stop. Stop before you get ahead. Okay. You don't run the table. No, your biggest mistake is trying to figure out what's going on. Pride cometh before the fall. pride comes before the fall correct it's unclear whether her shirt had spaghetti straps but a thinner version of spaghetti is

referred to as angel haired pasta while a thicker version is linguine who wants you to know various types of noodles and this is by the way coming off of a thing that isn't a fact so he's not reporting it as a fact he's saying unclear if her shirt had spaghetti it's unclear whether her shirt had spaghetti straps but a thinner version of spaghetti is referred to as angel hair pasta while a thicker version is linguine. All right. This is absolute madness. It starts to make you mad, right? Jim is mad. This is, this, all right, first of all, if it's not Dan, then you guys are wasting your time.

This guy is a raving lunatic. Whoever's doing this is either a comedian or mentally ill. You're making fun of an unstable person who's going to hunt you down and do it on you, bro.

Jim, he's one of the reporters that crapped the Robert Kraft sex trafficking case in Florida. He was like a stringer down there who cracked that case. With USA Today. I don't trust anyone where we can't see the top of his head. We don't know if he might have an absolute phone.

What are you going with, Jim? I'm going with that. It's you. Ben, what do you think? Greenlee. All right. What are you going with, Jim? I'm going with that. It's you. Okay. Ben, what do you think? Greenlee. Greenlee. I think that's Greenlee too.

Okay. Now I literally am just going to vote with Ben Lee because I don't know. That's how little of a plan we have. That's my plan. Gaffigan could be right here. I don't know. Okay. You know what's crazy, guys?

Some of these, they get so crazy, I forget. You forget what she did? He did it? Yes, I'm not joking. Okay. Okay. It's unclear whether her shirt had spaghetti straps, but a thinner version of spaghetti is referred to as angel hair pasta,

while a thicker version is linguine. The person who wrote that is... Greenlee. Jim, can you believe that was in a newspaper? That was in a newspaper, Jim. So it... It's like,

so there's no editor? There's just no one? Nobody is reading his stuff. There's no one to say, like, what are you doing here? By the way, maybe it was cut down to this. You know what I mean? Maybe someone suggested putting this in. This might be the best version of what he said.

What if the editor was like, you know what? Maybe add something in, you know, spaghetti straps. Use what we're dealing with here. We're dealing with pasta. We're dealing with stuff like that. You know, go on. The editor egged him on. Needs to be stated.

Ben Lee, four for four. This is amazing. This is insane. If that doesn't make everyone go out and get the last Radner Lee album, you need to. I don't know what. Okay.

Are you guys ready? Mm-hmm. Okay. Her husband, however, said his wife dumped the pot of water on him. He said the water wasn't warm. His shirt was wet and there was water on the floors and kitchen countertops, but no spaghetti and meatballs. Meatballs or balls of meat are a classic accompaniment to spaghetti.

Who wants you to know that meatballs are balls of meat? It's Dan. That has to be Dan. You think that's Dan? All right. If it's not Dan, I'm hunting this guy down in Philly. You and Will are next, buddy. You might not have to.

You might have to. All right. So, Ben. Yeah, I'm going to go with Dan too on that one. I think it's Greenlee. It can't be. I'm so torn right now. I don't even know.

I'm going to say Greenlee. I'm going to go with Randy because it's so absurd that it died. The person who wants you to know that meatballs or balls of meat usually classically accompany spaghetti. The person who wrote that was Will Green. First of all, man, you were so close. man, you were so close. Second of all, you know, he doesn't,

he's inconsistent. He's going to pesto and then he's like, oh, by the way, meatballs are always there. You either go pesto love or you can't do pesto and meatballs. He assumes you know what pesto

is, but you do not know what a meatball is. It's a ball of meat. It is why this game is impossible to master. You can play it. Anyone can play it. And some people can get lucky on any given day. But you cannot win it. All right.

You cannot be the penis master. The greenliest master. Okay. All right. You cannot be the penis master. The greenliest master. Okay. The woman was jailed on a battery charge.

Note that spaghetti, while typically a food, is also used to describe a subgenre of Western movies that most critically acclaimed of which were three a fistful of dollars a few dollars more and the good the bad and the ugly directed by the late sergio leone with music by anino morricone okay did i say it wrong yes probably it's okay i copied and pasted it jim who wrote that who wants you to know what spaghetti westerns are was that dan or greenlee how confused are you right now, Jim? It has to be Dan because if it's the other guy... Greenlee. That's not a logic you can use in this game. I'm just telling you. The thing is, this Greenlee guy, he needs help.

He thinks we need help. He thinks we need help. He thinks we need help, though. He thinks we need help. He thinks we need help. But no one needs... There's tangents, but this is a mental problem. No, Jim, I'm telling you. We're going to find out.

No, I specifically never do stories where mental illness is a factor. No, this is a fully functioning guy. And he's done AMAs. I think he feels like he's speaking to his audience. And I actually think there's an added wrinkle to it. I think he is. I think he's in a bet with somebody. I think he now knows that we're doing this.

No. No, no, no. I don't think it's us. I think he's doing it for us. No, Randy. He wants Jim Gaffigan or whoever we have on here, Ben Lee, to be like, this guy's nuts. No, no. I think this is a guy who thinks that this is his style, his thing, the thing that makes him uniquely him. What if he just puts it-

That separates him from all other journalists. Like all other guys are hacks. They just write the story. Well, I go the extra mile and make a funny. And it to you. Even explain what. There is, there is a writing exercise, which I'm sure every, everyone on this.

Yeah. Zoom has done, which is writing down the bones. We just write stream of consciousness, but like this isn't stream of consciousness. This is someone who's going to murder the president. He can't see the top of his head. You're in his picture. You're absolutely right, Jim.

There is no top of his head. The top of his head is just filled with penises. Right? What if he's a bot? He's a, I don't know. So what do you think? Wires coming out. Do you think it's Greenlee or do you think it's Dan?

You might have to answer Dan for your own sanity. I think it's going to be Dan, but I think his demographic is older people, right? Yes. Who don't know what meatballs are. He's like, maybe he's savant. He's like, if people are dealing with dementia, this is how they love to read.

This is how they read. I have to bring people back to the real world. Okay. So you think it's Dan. All right, Ben, who do you think it is? I'm going to go with Greenlee on this one. Yeah. God.

Jay, what do you think? Like I've said this before, I've never not known more in my life. But I will say. Ben's got this figured out. No, Ben's five. He missed one. Go ahead.

I'm going to say that was Dan. Okay. I'm going to say that was Dan. I think that was Greenlee. Okay. The person who wants you to know that spaghetti, while typically food, is also used to describe a subgenre of Western movies,

like for a few dollars more, the good, the bad, to describe a sub-genre of Western movies, like For a Few Dollars More, The Good, The Bad, The Ugly, and A Fistful of Dollars. The person. I said Greenlee, you said Dan. Yes. And Ben Lee and I said Greenlee and Dan and Jason and Jim said Dan. The person who wrote that. As we end out, get some more music

and love to all of you. I hope you bought your tickets because it'll sell out again and you'll come back and join us. That's right. Mike Birbiglia on the 26th of September. That's a Saturday night. If you had fun tonight, then scoop them up for that night because it's going to be the same deal. The person who took you from spaghetti to meatballs

to spaghetti westerns. The person who wants you to go there. Townies, what do you think? Dan. The person who wrote that to go there. Townies, what do you think? Dan. Dan. The person who wrote that is? Dan. Greenlee.

Dan. Dan Lee maybe did one of the best. Dude, that was an insane one. Only one wrong. Wow. This is amazing. We love you guys so much. Thank you so much for-

Check out Jim Gaffigan's comedy series channel. It's like 1960 on the dial. It's 780. You get to the end. You're in the right place. Jim, did you have fun in Dumb People Town? I did. It was a blast.

Also, I'm posting a daily video on YouTube. Oh, dude, where can they find it? Just look up Jim Gaffigan on YouTube? My YouTube channel. I'm posting a daily video of stand-up. You're a great follow on Instagram, too. We follow you on Instagram and love the videos and the content you put up. Awesome.

One last time, before we get to the song, Ben Lee Music, follow him on Twitter and on Instagram and pick up the new Radnor and Lee album. And I can't wait till the new songs that you just played us come out. Golden State is the newest one that dropped a month ago. We're going to have you play one more song. Before we do, if you're in part of the VIP, we're going to all get out of here and then we'll come back in so we can't wait to hang

out with everybody who bought post-show hang tickets. Yep. And take it away, Ben Lee, and we'll just say goodbye after that. Right on. Well, thank you guys for having me. And this is a song for everybody who is continuing to offer resistance to the insanity that is going on in America right now with the dismantling of the post office and the impending theft of this election.

And anyone who's still got energy to fight for it, this song's for you guys. You're giving up romance. I want to learn to dance. You tell me culture's done. I disagree for fun. You're caught in cynicism I say your mind's a prison Keep staring in the mirror

I'm getting weirder I'm still here singing my song Loving everybody in the world gone wrong, yeah La la la la la la. I was born for this bullshit. I'm still here, feeling free. Away from the crowd is the place to be, yeah. La la la la la la.

I was born for this bullshit. desires you repressed them i joined three cults and left them you've come to sad conclusions i'm looking for some new solutions. In love with your depression. I advocate rebellion. It's your prerogative. But I'm staying positive. I'm still here singing my song. I don't know anybody in the world got home yet. La la la la la la.

I was born for this bullshit. Some say it's all too late. But not me, I don't relate to that. La la la la la la. I was born for this bullshit. You call it being stubborn. I'm gonna keep on loving. You tell me I'm naive. I've had my share of grief.

Watch everyone conforming. There's nothing worse than boring. You see swagger in my stroll. I call it soul, yeah. I'm still here singing my song. Loving everybody in the world. Go wrong, yeah. La la, la la la la in the world go wrong? Yeah. La la,

la la la la. I was born for this bullshit. I'm still here and that's okay. Nothing you can say is going to make me change. La la, la la la la. I was born for this bullshit. I'm still here.

I've got my dreams. Some of us like swimming upstream. La la la la la la. I was born for this bullshit. I'm still here singing my song. Loving everybody in the world. Go wrong here. La la la la la la.

La la la la la la La la la la la la La la la la la la I was born to this bullshit Yeah, man. That's all of that you got. Thanks, buddy. We love you so much and just wish you all the luck

in the world keep making great stuff Jim Gaffigan thank you for everything all you guys get your tickets for September 26 Mike Birbiglia and Mike Doty live dumb people town and go check out his stand up show on August 25th nowhere comedy club Mike Birbiglia thank you nowhere comedy club oh shit we gotta get back to work And go check out his stand-up show on August 25th, Nowhere Comedy Club. Mike Birbiglia. Thank you, Nowhere Comedy Club.

Oh, shit. We got to get back to work. All right. Thank you, guys. Good night, everybody. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Stick around, make a sound, calm your down, it's Dumb People Town.