Dumb People Town - DPT Live - Jon Hamm - Sorry Alaina's Mom

Episode Date: November 10, 2020

This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Jon Hamm and musical guest Tennis. To kick off the show, Daniel reads some amazing headlines. In story one, medical practitioners reveal the most "interesting" sex related injuries they encounter. In story two, woman says her boyfriend pushed her to the ground...then changes her story when the police arrive. 

Skypains Avenue We're going to get into this, but I think we need to kick things off the way we normally do with some music and then we'll get back and do the show so this next band is one of our favorite bands period uh we were performing in minneapolis when they were performing there this is like how many years ago this is about 12 or 11 or 12 years ago and we finished our show and went to go uh see them and we saw them afterwards and we're like we love you guys so much. Maybe sometime you'll perform on our podcast.

And they were like, and now is that time it has come full circle. They, they're just so good. What they do is so great. And we've gotten to know them through the years and they're just become really good friends. So we're going to enjoy some music from our friends,

the band tennis. Tennis everybody Tennis, everybody! Woo! Hi, Patrick. Hi, Elena. Hello. All right. Take it away, guys. So good to see you. Matt, give me some reverb. There we go. Yeah.

All right. Here we go. Late night Carried by the wind It took such a long time to make up my own mind Everything is changing But I would not attempt to control you I never could help myself

I waste my time It's taken, it's hold on my health I waste my own time Like Mary Magdalene I'm on my knees again But if you see me as a saint You'd be missed again Good night. Now the saddle hangs heavy and I can never lift my eyes To where it sits indifferently on the mover of the sky I never could help myself

I waste my time It's taken It's all I might have I waste my own time Like Mary and that And then I'm on my knees again But if you see me As a saint

You'd be my second I am the master of my ship, my ship, the master of the sea Though we're a topical distinction, I think I'm finally feeling free Staying true to the people Finally Feeling free For the first time For the first time Zooming. I love it. You guys zoomed the shit out of that. You guys are doing it. And I love that I asked you guys. I said, you can either be truthful to the

exact words of the Dumb People Town theme song, or you can interpret it. And whatever you want, because we're in your hands. And so you guys chose to interpret it. I cannot wait to hear it. I'm sure everybody can't wait to hear it too. This is Tennis' version of the Dumb People Town theme song. to interpret it. I cannot wait to hear it. I'm sure everybody can't wait to hear it too. This is Tennis' version of the Dumb People Town theme song.

Okay. I have to read the lyrics though. I'm sorry. Totally cool. Down and round and she will share Tales of folks so unaware They're lacking grace and sometimes and she will share tales of folks so unaware

they're lacking grace and sometimes choose the life they choose will make them lose breaking down each epic fear in Florida there's half price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make this shit up

so listen to a black guest I'm happy to say they couldn't make this shit up. So listen to a podcast jam with co-host our man Dan Van Kirk. Don't be a jerk. Cause when the music quits, the funny ends. It's Dumb People Town. Yay! You guys can unmute yourselves so you can hear you guys so they can hear you.

Yes! Oh my god. I love it and I love that you guys are here for the whole show. Let me just say this. Hey, townies. Welcome to a live Zoom episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you.

Population, everyone. Randy's grabbing the hat. Uh-oh, you guys. Here's the hat. Someone's about to quit a case. Randy's shirt has more Native American material than dances with wolves. That's what I want to say. Okay, guys.

You look like you're about to get kicked off the first episode of Chopped. Hey, you guys, can I mute yourself so we can hear your laughter if you want? Yeah, we'll have you mute again in a second, but for this little part, feel free. Or leave it, whatever you want to do. Randy, you do look good.'t randy look doesn't really look like he's leading at risk into the city for the first time i look like i know where the hell carmen san diego is it's like it wants to keep the electoral college uh you guys first of all how about the timing the fact that we were able to get the speech in?

Amazing. Like, can we just have a moment right now and just think about the greatness and the moment that we're in in history? Like how close we were to having Kanye West as our president? I mean, we just reordered it. That's number one. Number two, let's think about Kamala Harris. She is the highest,

the highest, most powerful elected official in the United States next to Oprah. She's the most powerful. After her. And it's just a great moment for all of us. And we're celebrating, and I hope you guys are celebrating too

I mean should we start this out The way we always start on our shows Yeah I think we should Guys we should admit we were originally supposed to be doing this show From the Four Seasons Hotel in Philadelphia Then Four Seasons Landscaping Company Couldn't get there

So then Four Seasons Cleaners Down the street from my house And then we decided we would just listen To a song like So then Four Seasons cleaners down the street from my house. And then we decided we would just listen to a song from the Four Seasons. From the band, the Four Seasons. And then we got some tennis in. Dan, should we start it off? Okay, we are. So

we are going to be, you'll be able to see the images and everything that I refer to tonight. Helping me do that. If you've done any of the Hub City shows, you know her and you love her. She's sitting right over here. You don't get to see her, but we do. Lissa is here. She'll be switching all this stuff for us. Okay. Here we go.

Ready? Yes. First headline. Here it is. Headline number one. These are stories that get sent to me that aren't good. There's not enough meat on the bone. Sent in by Bob Satinan. Those Satinan knights. At B underscore Satin. Sent in by Bob Satinon. Those Satinon nights.

Those. At B underscore Satinon. Nights in white Satinon. Never reaching the end. Patrick just almost turned off his Zoom on that one. Here we go. Naked teen covered in ranch dressing crashes Kansas gas station, sheriff says. Okay.

Yeah. Okay. So first of all, this definitely happened in Kansas City, station, sheriff says. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So, first of all, this definitely happened in Kansas City, Missouri, not Kansas. Kansas City, Kansas. Kansas City, Missouri. Randy and I went to Kansas City, and we said they shouldn't build a wall between the United States and Mexico. They should build it between Kansas City, Kansas and Kansas City, Missouri.

And they should get Mexico, Missouri to pay for it. Thank you. That's how it is. What happened to this kid that he got covered in ranch dressing and then was like, I Missouri to pay for it. Thank you. That's out of the city. What happened to this kid that he got covered in ranch dressing and then was like, I need to run an errand. Exactly. Like, I need baby carrots.

I need baby carrots now. Listen, show the first photo. This is the only photo I could find. It's not even of the kid, but I also don't care. It's just as perfect. That is... I guess he wanted to show everyone

his hidden valleys. Oh, this is what happens when you tell someone, I'm sorry, we only have blue cheese. They're like, no, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. I'll prove that. Okay. Second headline.

You ready? Yeah. Let's hear it. Headline number two. And we do have video, but you just need to hear it. Oh, God. Son slaps his mom's boobs as part of

tick tock challenge. We have turned the curve. Come on. I know it's exactly what you think it is. Oh my God. What? When will tick tock like when eventually it's going to be like it's the cut off your own finger tick tock challenge.

Do we have video of it? We do. Can we switch over to it? We're going to share this screen. Okay, get ready. Why is he so happy? I know. Why is she so happy? Is he aging backwards? I'm looking at his face, and he looks like he has Benjamin Button. He definitely looks like he owns an internet company. Okay, here we go.

No. As a mom, you can't. Oh, my God. Too much joy. Way too much joy. Also, I love that it says glum Trump. Glum Trump is what I'm calling him for the rest of my life. Glum Trump. Glum Trump.

Glum Trump should be like a beaver that's turned upside down. We'll have three glum Trumps. Is this a kid that was breastfed until he was 11? That's what I want to know. What is the start of that conversation? Mom, I know you want me to have more friends on the internet. Here's my idea. Dan, I'm going to tell you right now.

When your kids become teenagers, you start to see them less, and then you're like, all right, what do you want me to do. And then you're like, all right. Whatever the interaction takes. What do you want me to do? At least we're interacting with each other. The first conversation we had in a long time. Oh, that is too much for me. Yeah.

All right. Those are our headlines. Those are great headlines. And let me ask if anybody is John here. Is he in? I think he is. So while we do that, if you do me a favor, turn off all your mics. We want to give you guys the true podcast experience.

So everybody in the audience, we'll still be able to see you. Sometimes you'll see the camera pop up. It's amazing what we can see. We can still all see you. Okay. All right. So I'm bringing on our guest. We love him.

He's one of those people that you don't even need to have any credits for. That's how wonderful he is. Even though he went to John Burroughs High School. We still love him so much. Will you please welcome our friend John Hamm. Is Hamm in the house? John Hamm, are you there, buddy? Come on, my friend.

Please. We're crossing fingers. I'm holding out. I'm waiting for the camera to not go. Is he here? Is John Hamm here? I feel like we're that Wendela guy and we walked out onto the wire but didn't clip. Dan. I know.

You mean the guy who fell in Costa Rica? No, that happened? The grandpa died. Really? The grandpa fell off the thing and then died. They say if you die doing what you never should have loved. He died doing what he loved, being scared. Screaming ocean oh shit.

If he's not here, all right. Oh, there he is. No, that might be a different Jon Hamm. Yeah, that's somebody who wants to get kicked out of the Zoom. That's a different Jon Hamm who's not Jon Hamm. We're going to get Jon Hamm on here soon. But should we just do tennis? Should we?

Yeah, I mean, we could start it off. I could talk about the fact that nothing made me happier We're going to get Jon Hamm on here soon. But should we just do tennis? Should we? Yeah. I mean, we could start it off. I could talk about the fact that nothing made me happier than when I was looking at the map of where all the states were going. And it took me a while until I finally realized. I don't know when they awarded it. But at some point, I mean, it was blue. Lake Michigan went for the Democrats. Lake Michigan went for the Democrats.

So happy. Pacific Ocean went for the Democrats. Gulf of Mexico went for the Democrats. Which it went for the Democrats. Gulf of Mexico went for the Democrats. Which it almost never does. The Gulf of Mexico. Right, but if you're going to have Wisconsin and Michigan, you want to, you need the lake. The lake people up in the U.S., they're up there. The boat people.

We don't know how we live up here. We're on a boat. Nobody can tell us nothing. My boy. It just becomes Manitowoc. My boy. I love it. It just becomes manna to walk. My boy. They took him. Okay.

So we can, while we wait for John, we can start out. A fun thing that we like to do is find out what our guests Florida man is. And a little game we like to call. Which Florida man are you? Now, we normally do this with birthdays, but we can always find another great occasion to do it. So for tennis, you guys tell me if I'm wrong. I hope to God I'm not because it's already

written. Your most recent album came out on Valentine's Day, February 14th. Is that correct? That is correct. What's the name of the album? Where can people get it? Let's plug it. Thank you. It's called Sw oh thank you it's called swimmer get it anywhere awesome um circuit city oh yeah circuit city the parking lot fight still happened even though the store is not open

i own it i own it oh we can't hear you can you you hear us now? Yes. Cool. Yeah. Literally anywhere. Okay. Awesome. Well, here is your Florida man. This headline is wonderful. Okay.

In honor of the album that came out on February 14th, Florida man doesn't believe wife tried to kill him by setting the bed on fire. Well, I mean, she could have been trying to kill a spider. Well, he's in it. And she's like, I didn't want to wake you. You always say, let me sleep. Well, he could have also been her brother, and she was trying to light some incest. Oh, come on.

At Scar Brothers. I see a lot of head shaking. Tough. This is what I love. There's a blurb about it in honor of your guys' Florida man. With the help of his son and son's girlfriend, the man used buckets of water to put it out before dragging the burning heap into the backyard.

I think he means the bed. Not his girl. Yeah, exactly. He said, quote, no one got hurt. Everybody's fine. I just happened to wake up, and I got hurt. Everybody's fine. I just happened to wake up and I was in a cloud of smoke. You're way too downplaying the fact that you were almost killed by arson. You need to be more scared.

And you know, she was like, well, honey, you're always saying that you're cold. You know how like there's that moment where you're like, it's so cold in here. And your wife's like, I'm so hot. Yeah. Well, then he goes on to say, I was in a cloud of smoke and flames. I escaped with my son. I don't know if that means together or he carried him. We put it out together and got the box with the mattress out of the house.

Quote, I love her so much. You're with a woman for 12 years. You just don't throw them away. Just I love her. Is he talking about the mattress? Yeah, that's the mattress. And how long do you guys think the mattress was in the backyard? Patrick, Elaine, what do you guys think?

You mean when he was sleeping on it? Yeah. Oh, I can't hear you guys. Maybe lean in tight on those mics for me. Yes. You got us? Okay. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, what's standard? I mean, I normally leave my mattress outside for 12 to 18 hours safe. Yeah. So, that's my guess. Smart. Love it. Because what you want to do is give the raccoons enough time to see if they want a new home. That's right. That's the goal of any outdoor mattress

is what woodland creature wants to take this over. And a lot of times it's mice. I mean, you really know where you're at, where you're like, am I going to use the outdoor mattress after it rains? You know what I mean? That tells you where you're at. That tells you how low. Have you hit rock bottom yet? Have you gone there yet?

Right. Exactly. Okay. I think we might have had somebody enter into the waiting room here. Do we? It'd just be great if we were getting pranked again. Yeah, that'd be so great. Somebody's like, what are you going to do with the show you bought tickets for?

Ruin it? Ruin it. All right, well, that's one option. Do we have Izzy here? Okay, all right, let's bring him in. All right, let's bring him in. Ladies and gentlemen, he needs an introduction. He is our friend, and we love him, even though he went to John Burroughs High School.

Would you please welcome John Hamm, if it's John Hamm. He is John Hamm? If it's John Hamm, are you here, John Hamm? There he is! Unmute yourself, young man. How are you, sir? Well, to start with, I'm unmuted. Yes. Secondly, I didn't appreciate the

dig at my high school. Wow! Anybody in this Zoom is from St. Louis knows is like a very specific st louis insult to be fair we missed each other in grade school by like a year and like a half of a demographic zip code yep that's right gone to the same junior high and senior high as Randy and Jason had I not been an excellent, remarkable student. That's true. All right.

All right. All right. So now you're digging on our high school. Our high school, Parkway North, whose colors were. I was a high school judo. I just flipped the script. Yeah, you did. So, John, our high school's school

colors were acid and wash. Is that fair? That's a good... Alright, so John, you are not in LA. You're shooting a movie right now. How's everything going? I live in a constant state of beige, as you can see.

Yes, yes. Ooh, get that, John. Love a good kitchenette. And thank you for wearing a white shirt state of beige, as you can see. Yes, yes. Ooh, get that, John. Yeah. Love a good kitchenette. And thank you for wearing a white shirt to accent that. Thank you. Thank you, John. You are your own back screen. Because all things must

pass. Yes! Apropos for today. Perfect. Is everything good? Are we good? I think we're okay. I we're gonna be okay i'm dvr-ing the election so we'll see let me know when it turns there's still county pennsylvania good good well i'm in michigan i'm in detroit michigan i'm working on a film with uh with mr steven soderbergh don cheetle benicio del toro but I'm sorry to hear. What a bummer, man. It's a bummer.

It's a bummer. It's actually exciting. Being from the Midwest, it is peak fall here right now. It's really nice. I will say, if there's any Michiganders out there, good job.

You did a good job. You did a good job coloring in the leaves. You nailed that foliage. Well, John, you know, we do a thing when we do the live shows. You did it. You did it. Yeah, you did it. I don't know if we were doing this then,

but where we tell everybody, as you see on the screen, which Florida man are you? I have it here that your birthday is March 10th. That would be the month and date. Is that correct? Yes. All right. Okay. 310. Here's your headline for what

Florida man you are. All you do is put those dates into Google with the word floor man and you find out Florida man who fought McDonald's worker over straw sentenced to jail. It's about the little things in life. I think we would all agree. Also, if you're going to fight somebody over

a straw, do it at Dairy Queen. Those are worth it. Those are better straws. I would also throw maybe 7-Eleven into the mix just because at least you got a little spoon on the bottom. That's right. It's a straw and a spoon and fun. I don't want to harken back to your show

and our childhood, but I would throw Burger Chef in there if need be. Burger Chef and Jeff. That's all you need. Burger Chef was a great pull. Mr. Steak. Did you ever eat at Mr. Steak on Page Road? Definitely ate at Mr. Steak,

which is a terrible name for a restaurant. And I was reminded of our own St. Louis' Baskin-Robbins knockoff, which was called Velvet Freeze. Velvet Freeze, which could be the name for like a superhero who's a woman

whose vagina can kill you. Velvet Freeze. I just love, you guys in your St. Louis stories, like if I didn't say anything, you'd eventually get to the point where all of you at some point got a handjob in Soulard

and you'll just keep going with these. We're like, do shirley thompson do you know her by the way handjob and soulard is is the worst charles buchowski novel but it is actually the best tennis album ever yes well should we should we jump in yeah let's jump right into it you guys want to do a story let's do a story you guys want to do a story all right here we go this was sent in by la asanina i know i love it la asanina she's in new york yes yes we love her. It's perfect. Here it is. Now, John, you did a similar story like this with us before. So I thought only fitting tennis jump right in because the headline is doctors and nurses reveal most embarrassing sex related injuries they've ever seen. Okay.

Okay. Here we go. We're going to dig into this country. All right. I'm going to go early. I'm going to go. There's going to be an anus slash rectum. Yes.

The nasal passages. Yes. And I'm going to go out of the box on the third one. And I'm going to say belly button. Yeah, definitely. I'm going to go sat on a fork is somewhere in there. Somewhere in there. Sat on a fork.

Or spork. There's no doubt about it. Sex can give you some of the best times you'll ever have but also some of the most humiliating experiences by the way i'm sorry did that first part of that sentence need to be written no it was just set up for the second part god okay elena what did you say elena what we plug sex yeah yeah guys guys i love this article but someone needs to just mention how fun sex is. I don't think people know how enjoyable it is.

It's like everybody can't shit on sex without saying it's great. And by the way, I'm not shitting on people that like to be shit on. That's all part of it. It could be a great time, too. Chuck Berry, I'm very sorry. Okay. It's like that guy or girl every orientation that's like hey uh my name is gary i love to laugh uh like no shit here oh you like to laugh

you're the guy oh okay hard stance gary okay but it also can have some of the most humiliating experiences you'll ever endure sure the latter is certainly true if you've ever had to explain to a team of medics why you have a household item wedged up your vagina. Here we go. And I've done that twice. Here it says, according to the NHS data in 2018, over 24 million people visited

accident and emergencies across the UK. Right. I'm going to ask you guys, out of those 24 million, Tennis, get ready to give your answer. John Hamm, Sklars. How many of those were related to an intimate injury? Out of 24 million,

how many million do you think? It is in the million. Yes, it is in the million. You are our guest, Tennis. I'm not a good person to answer i was a minister's daughter and i wasn't even allowed to that was too sexy um so according to my mom to all 24 million that's how she kept you from it okay fair patrick what do you think i'm'm going to go with a respectable $2 million.

Respectable $2 million? I love that. Very respectable. $1. $1. They got $1 stuck up there. It was a roll of quarters. All right, John, what do you guess out of the millions?

I'm going to say $1. $1 million? Okay, what do you think? I'm going to say five million. Five million intimacy-related injuries. I see someone in the crowd holding up a five on my side. Wait, what, John? What do we got out there? All 24, two, and five. I know I'm flipping the script here and going out of order, but I'm still going to go with one.

Okay, good. I'm going to say 3.7 million. 3.7 million. Okay. Out of 24 million people visiting the A&E across the UK. The people who had UK. UK. This comes from the UK.

What? It's not the US. It's the UK. No, it's UK, baby. Okay. The total number is... They love butt stuff over there. They do love butt stuff. Thank you for saying that.

It is 3.4 million. Wow! Way to go! I know about my UK-related sex problems. You're really accurate. Yeah, that was like

way too close. Guys, i've studied the dossier the steel dossier babe i've done my research you were not gonna go to the hospital only three point something people one in eight it happens to one in eight of us all right here we go that that that is a study about, you know, deviant sex practices on the president of the United States that couldn't be called the Steele dossier? It's perfect. The droopy leather dossier.

All right, here we go. Yes. On a Reddit thread where you know everything's the truth. Everything is the truth on Reddit. They asked doctors and nurses to reveal the most embarrassing sex-related injury they've ever treated. One person wrote, here we go. Also, I should say this out the gate. There are elements to this story that I am certain we've done before.

Now, maybe we did the story that these people are referencing, but I looked through all the way back to county. I could not find them. So if we did it and you're out there in the audience, you're like, I know exactly who you did that with. Let me know and you're a better person at running this show than I am. Here we go. This person said on Reddit, I am an EMT.

That would be an emergency medical technician. Wow, brag much? Jesus Christ. Don't go brag. Why don't you chill out? I know. What high school do you go to? And one time, we transported a lady who had three hot dogs in her vagina. And they had been in there

for how long? How long before they went to go help a woman? Now, Jason and I worked at the Jewish Community Center pool in St. Louis, which Ham probably went to go help a woman. Now, Jason and I worked at the Jewish Community Center pool in St. Louis, which Ham probably went to with some... You know, I went to racquetball camp at the Jason's

camp. Of course you did. And we worked at the snack bar outside. Marty Hogan. Marty Hogan was one of the greatest Jewish racquetball players of all time. Yes, Jason. And there was a rotating thing of

hot dogs and i swear to god it was like it was on there for weeks there were for weeks but but here's the thing this woman had three hot dogs in her vagina but what they're not telling you is that she was dating kobayashi at the time okay so there you go yeah those count as consumed. Okay. Elena. Once again, preacher's daughter. Minister's daughter. This is more about how long is someone a hoarder before they deal with things. Right. How long does it take before someone cleans out their garage?

Okay. Well, based on how long I know, girls have lost tampons up there 24 hours. 24 hours. Four hours. 24 hours to sort it out on her own and then gave up right and then went to the hospital uh what do you think patrick honestly i didn't know this show was going to be so sexy jesus sexy sexist sexist yeah I'm gonna go with I'm gonna play it safe here I'm gonna say an hour an hour okay fine hammer what do you think how long do you think she had hot dogs

in her vagina before she said guys come get me pardon the pun but I'm gonna go deep and say how long two weeks two weeks wow two weeks a fortnight. All right. Jesus.

And I don't know what he's doing with his shirt. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say a long weekend. Three days. Three days. Three days up in the chute. I mean, I hate to go all bare naked ladies on this, but it's been one week. One week.

One week since you took me out. I'm in here with two others. Now, did they have buns? That's on the other side. That's on the other side. That's up the bum. That's around the outside, around the outside, around the outside. Sailor bird.

Bring it back to Detroit. Okay, I get it. outside. One time they transported a lady who had three hot dogs in her vagina. Get your answers into that chat right now, you townies. I saw somebody put the right answer in there. There we go.

She had three hot dogs in her vagina and they had been inside of her for three weeks. Wow! Oh my God! Jesus Christ. Three weeks. Wow. Oh, my God. Ham. Ham. Jesus Christ.

Three weeks. The ham shirt dance is my favorite. That's just showboating, Ham. There's no place in the game for that. John is currently auditioning to be in the background of a Nelly video. It is getting hot in her. It is getting hot in her if you have three hot dogs in your vagina

for three weeks what else are you ignoring in your life exactly how many times have you lost your keys that way or your kids something doesn't feel right on many levels there you go okay she said it started to get a bit uncomfortable

so she decided to call the fire department. Good call. It's a great call. Because you may need the jaws of life. Am I right or am I wrong, guys? This is going to be gross, so if you need to mute us for the next sentence, I understand. This is what the EMT

said. I took a look, and there was a rotting hot dog peeking through, like that scene from Role Models with Jane Lynch and the corn dog. Nope. Hit it, Lissa. Guys, remember this? Ken Marino. I know.

Everybody loves a Ken Marino. Why? I know. I know. You need to care more about yourself. I know. That's a rough moment. And also that means that it's close to the surface, right, John?

I mean, she should know what's going on. You're asking me why? Yes. I think you hit it on the head. Let's treat ourselves better, guys. Yeah, guys. You can't put a hot dog in your vagina. Yes. Just remember it's there and take it out.

My hope is that it was like a Talladega night situation. The first one got stuck, so then she tried to use a second hot dog to get the first one out. It's like when you throw a Frisbee on a roof. You get another one up there to get that one down. I tell my kids, I'm like, look, here's the deal. You take the toys out you got to put them away same thing with hot dogs and put them in you got to take them out well she she said she knew they were up there no shit yeah but she couldn't reach them and figured

they would come out on their own i'm going to tell you guys if any of you are here and i can see a lot of you if you have any problems in your life right now inside or outside they're not going to work themselves out on their own. I mean, she has the same plan that Trump has on coronavirus. Yes. It's a plan. You have to have a plan, guys. Yes.

Don't worry about taking all three of the rotted hot dogs out of your vagina. Yes. Then the next one. She was like, she george bush circa 2006 no exit strategy she says she couldn't reach them and figured they'd come out on their own i'm assuming there was something she wasn't telling us no shit yeah there you go uh like help me another person commented my partner is a nurse and and has once had to extract a crunchy for those of you who don't know that is a honeycomb

chocolate covered bar oh that got that got yeah it's delicious right very fantastic very good uh that got lost from a woman's vagina. I do not envy his job. Now, does that mean it never came back? I mean, it's like, yeah, it might have just, it went into the upside down. First of all, if you're doing sex like candy bars, everybody knows. Frozen, whatchamacallit. That's what you want.

And if you're going to, or yeah, there's a lot of ways to go, but Frozen, I think, is the right move. Because then you've got some wiggle room. No puns. You intend that pun, sir. Intend it. Elena, you're shaking your head like, what did I? Perfectly picked a show that my mom can't listen to. I know.

I'm so sorry. And your mom is on the Zoom, right? Okay, good. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And your mom is on the Zoom, right? Okay, good. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. Well, that's a show, guys. There is plenty to talk about.

Here we go. Now, someone said he had an older gentleman. Now, I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry, my latest mom. He had an older gentleman. Now, I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry, Linus, Mom. He had an older gentleman come into the ER around 2 a.m. for constipation. These are just medical. This is like real stories in the ER.

You don't feel well. Something is presenting itself. The doctor ordered an x-ray per use. That's written here. Results come back. He had a soy sauce bottle up his rear end. The doctor explained he'd need to go to the operating room. Soy sauce.

Soy sauce. This feels like an hourglass deal, right? You could pour both ways. Yes, yes. I guess he didn't like any MSG. Or a Kiko man with a screw top. Kiko man. Kiko man with a screw top or in the shape of a tiny fish.

If it's the other one, if it's the pour both ways one. Oh, yeah. I know what you're talking about. Well, but here's the good news is that he was health conscious, so it was the low sodium soy sauce. He went for the green top. He understands heart health. Yeah, see how he gets it?

He understands. He doesn't want to hurt his body. If he was really health conscious, it would have been liquid aminos. Thank you. Fair enough. Great point. And your mom was glad that you said that. Thank you. Yeah, this is plugging like nutritional

food. Let's do it. Let's do it. So then they go on. We'll close it out with this. It is a list. At what point is it normal procedure when you come in with constipation for the guy to go like x-ray? Yes.

Real overuse of the x-ray. Yeah. That's a guy who's like, if we get 40 x-rays, this month we all get starbucks so let's try to get up there we're at 36 now i have a list for you guys this is the top 10 items used during intimacy that have led to an a and e visit okay all right not the network for you americans but the Americans Number 10 Soy sauce Doesn't say the bottle

Just says the seasoning In general it does tend to make things a little bit better Spicier You know what this sex needs? A little soy sauce Salt it up a little bit Number 9 crunch bar Again mistake

At least go with a mounds Almond joy Almond joy over a mounds. Right? Almond Joy? I mean, come on. I would go with an Almond Joy over a Mounds just because of the pops. Right. You want to avoid like a Fifth Avenue or a Butterfinger just because it takes so long to clean it back up. Dan, you

definitely want to avoid a Butterfinger. Number eight, a Candlestick. Now that makes sense, right? Unless you're talking Yankee full jar. I love that now we're moving to things that could have killed someone in the game clue. Yes. It's like Daniel with the candlestick in the vagina.

Number seven, showerhead. How intense is that spray? That's a lot of pressure if that's sending you. Very pulsating. It doesn, showerhead. How intense is that spray? That's a lot of pressure if that's sending you. Very pulsating. It doesn't say stuck. It just says used. The one that comes, that's attached to the like, you know, that you can pull down. No, John, I want it to be a rainfall and you have to climb

up there and mount yourself. Like a spider on the roof, John. Number six, and This is just sad. This is somebody who needs to accept where they're at and deal with it. Bicycle pump. Oh, come on. That makes sense. Yeah, it does. That checks out.

That's a hope of making something bigger. Right there. There's a handle. I get it. Right. Five. Jalapenos. Why? It's a handle. I get it. Right. Five jalapenos. Why? You know, why? It's a spicy poppers. Yeah, definitely.

Poppers. They became poppers. That's on a bet. That is a bet. That's a bet. Number four. Number four. Toilet brush.

Yeah, sure. Right there. I mean, more of a convenience issue than anything else. I would say you always have to clean around the rim, but I don't know if that's what it is. That's Ask Laura Brothers with a thumbs up. I am going to have to send Elena's

mom a gift basket from Bath and Body Works. I am so sorry. Number three. A toilet brush will be in it. Number three, this is timeless. Lava lamp. You don't want that. Look at it. Oh, God.

It's kind of the extreme version of the soy sauce bottle. It is. For sure. It's soy sauce, but groovy. Yeah, for the pro level. When you're done being an amateur. It will break and you'll probably die. Yes, you're going to die.

There's heavy amounts of mercury. There's more mercury in that thing than the sushi that you eat with the soy sauce. I was going to say than the sushi that sidelined Jeremy Piven. Remember that? Remember when that was our biggest story, John? Too much sushi.

Too much. You can't go on. John? Too much sushi. Too much. Too much sushi. You can't go on. I ate too much sushi. Yeah, the mercury levels were huge. It was hit like an excuse in 2011. Yeah, you could do that. All right, number two, bowling pin.

Well, are we talking spare? I mean, I don't want to call it a 7-10 split, but I mean, at some point, what is it? What are we talking spare? I mean, I don't want to call it a 7-10 split, but I mean, at some point, what is it? And number one, nobody wants to pick up that spare. Wouldn't it be great if the game of that sexual activity was to act like

one of the little machines and you just squat down and pick it up and put it back on. And the irony is once you get that in, you live in the gutter. Folks, I'll be out of here. Number one, if you guys can tell me how this would even work, I have no idea. I probably can't.

Number one is computer chair. Computer chair? Computer chair. An Aeron chair? Oh my god. A gaming chair? I have no idea. I'd be a part of a gaming chair. Wow. An Aeron chair? Oh my god. A gaming chair? I have no idea what... It would be a part of a gaming chair for sure. If you're spending that much time in a

seat, eventually something's going to get put in your butt. We are spending a lot more time at home these days. By the way, my hope is that that happened at a Staples.

That didn't happen at home. No. That was at an office. That was the last day of the Circuit City being open. And your boyfriend or girlfriend had to go up to the manager and say, we'll just take the floor model. Yeah, we'll do what's out. We're going to go ahead.

Can you knock off 20%? We're going to roll this off the lot right here. Because 20% is up his ass. Sorry, Elena's mom. mom yeah all right that that'll do it for story number one story number one down in the books elena's mom the next story is none of that stuff you'll love half this show and so the band tennis i love you guys again i want to say this go out and get all the albums but having known you guys from like your cape dory days till like now every single album you've done has has just shown such growth and maturity it's a very difficult thing to do as we have put out comedy albums ourselves we have definitely devolved you guys

have evolved and uh i just think it's so amazing so So play another song. We can't wait to hear it. Go for it. All right. Well, since we've been living through plague years, this song is pretty Old Testament. Give me some of that reverb, babe. All right. Here it is. Before we play, Ham, we're going to put you in a breakout room for one second

and do a little something with your audio. Okay? So accept that. All right. Go ahead. Do you want to do Runner? Yeah, Runner. Clay, Ham, we're going to put you in a breakout room for one second and do a little something with your audio, okay? So accept that. All right, go ahead. Are you a runner? Yeah, runner. Okay. Okay. I know you're living with a wild hunger

Weeping like the most of us You know you'll never be around And leave me on a cloud of dust. Living in the same old scene. I feel it blowing in the wind. Like a manna in the desert. Gonna take a miracle. Every little bit of sweat.

Feel it running down my neck. When you look at me like that, feeling like we can't go back If I become a pillar of salt, I'll know that it was all my fault Every little bit of sweat, every little bit of sweat. You're just a bite in this bit of hunger. Lead me to the promised land. Your manhood is only a fine man wondering what I said, oh. Gonna take a miracle. Every little bit of sweat. Feel it running down my neck. When you look at me like that. Feeling like we can't go back.

If I become a pillar of salt. I know that it was on my fault Every little bit of sweat Every little bit of sweat Let me make the most of us You know you'll never be a runner And meet me in a cloud of dust Living in the same one sin

I feel it blowing in the wind Like a banner in the desert Hey, every little bit of sweat Feel it running down my neck When you look at me like that Feeling like we can't go back If I become a pillar of salt I'll know that it was on my front.

Every little bit of sweat. Every little bit of sweat. Yes! Come on! Oh, my God, you guys! That's a good time. You sound so good. I love it.

So let me ask you guys this, because when you play, you guys are playing with synthesizers and drums and all that stuff. When you normally do what you do, is it hard to strip your stuff down? It sounds so beautiful. It's like a different version of what you guys do,

but is that difficult to try and conceive of on a much more sort of stripped down basis? Terribly hard. We're so bad at it. Stop. We're like singer songwriter so none neither one of us just sits alone in a room with the guitar and writes a song we write it from the beginning with the synths and the drum machines and whatever but right we also had like a crazy aversion to acoustic guitar because elena because my worship background yeah so we were like it's like guitar equals instant church

so i don't want any of that rich mullins vibe sandy patty out i like acoustic guitars like it's a big deal to us now yeah yeah i worked we came through that full circle who actually made us stop swearing off acoustic guitars was patrick carney from the black keys stupid limiting factor it's like he gave us like a dad talk about a real dad talk very harsh but also george harrison all things must pass yeah john's not in here anymore in the breakout room but all things must pass is one of our top all-time favorite records acoustic guitar yeah i mean it's it really is amazing because you're like, okay, this is the essence of the song. It's just you there and you there and there's nothing else to it, but this is the heart of what it is.

The core, the spine of the song, as it were. Do you guys get, do you get this a lot? Because I don't know, I was playing this for my kids recently, but I was playing like early, early Madonna. Like early, early Madonna. Do you get that a lot all the time? Do people say you sound like her, the early Madonna, like early, early Madonna. Do you get that a lot all the time? Do people say you sound like her, the early Madonna? I'm very flattered, but that's great. It's a discerning ear. We literally, whenever we're writing, I will listen to like, like a virgin or like

early Madonna. I'm so obsessed with her, like super high belting voice that sounds very childish but somehow so cool at the same time. I'm very flattered, but I love that. It's good stuff. All of your stuff, I'm just going to tell all the fans who are watching this right now on this Zoom. And who will be listening

when this podcast drops. Their music is so deep and so important to us. And again, I just love the friendship we built with you guys. Every time we came through Denver, like you guys would come see us do shows at Comedy Works when you lived at the apartment

right around the corner and just going back to your place on a Thursday night after shows and hanging out till like three, four in the morning, listening to your records. You guys showed us FJ McMahon too, right? Yes.

Yeah. We got that on vinyl after you guys showed it to us. And full circle. I got William on your board. Who is William on your board from you? And I watched like a whole sort of, it was just great. Like,

yeah, he's weird. He like bought a bunch of synthesizers and you're like, were you funded by the Russian government? You're weird. There's some backstory there that we don't know about we've been wanting to thank you guys forever and just like shout out to everyone because i what you guys don't realize when you we met in minneapolis

i just believe that you went to see a tiny tiny band play at a metal bar before you did two comedy sets in a row. And Pat and I were like, that's a true music lover to do that. I, we, I can't even get enough energy to leave the venue for dinner. Journeyed out while you're on tour to see another act before you did two shows. So that's amazing. We love that.

Thank you guys. And again, we'll, we'll check out. So the new album is Swimmer the newest album that you have out check that out and work your way backwards from there stick around make a sound for more

Dumb People Town Ham you're back you are back how you doing buddy I'm back and I'm better than ever because apparently I didn't have my sound settings on the right thing so you're good ham you're wearing a blues hat and i'm so happy you're wearing the blues hat because well dan take a back seat because it took 50 years for us to actually get a stanley cup and then when we did john ham was in st lou Louis for the parade with drunk Brett Hull, which you texted.

I was like. Randy said. This is why Jon is the funniest person. One of the funniest people we know. Randy said, who is better, drunk Brett Hull or fat Thor? Because I just watched that. And then Jon said. And then Jon said.

You make a great couple. Jon said drunk Brett Hull is fat Thor. And then John said, and then John said, John said, drunk is fat Thor. I want to ask you what it was like because, because we were, we were kids in that town at the same bread hall and Adam Oates. We were going to games like that. And then you went back to St. Louis and you got to stand there in the parade

and you got to lift up the Stanley Cup. Oh my God. In front of St. Louis. Please tell me what that was like. Well, it was weird because like, I don't know, like Kelly Chase and Holly and those guys like who full disclosure, I used to basically be their bartender. I was, I waited tables and bartended in St. Louis and they would come into my

restaurant. So Brendan Shanahan and Brett Hall and Kelly Chase and all those guys, Sergio Momesso. By the way, he had my favorite salad dressing. You guys. Sergio Momesso.

I'm going to talk about Chicago, Illinois for the next 22 minutes, and you guys are going to eat a big peep dish. No, relax, relax. So you held the cup up. But they invited me on this parade, and then they invited me up to the thing, and then they handed me the Stanley Cup. I'm like, what are you supposed to do?

I was like, I don't. Hold it up. Put it over your head. It was so cool. And Jake Allen allen who was our backup goalie uh took a picture of it from behind me with like 250 000 people underneath the gateway arch like holding up the stanley cup and he sent it to me and he's like hey man i thought maybe you'd want this picture and i was like are you kidding me yes i'm wallpaper i'm wallpapering

my house grandkids like yes And then you text them back. You're like, new phone, who dis? Yeah, sorry. That's so amazing, man. What a seminal moment. That was a beautiful moment. Dan has another moment, a dumb moment. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Okay. Let's jump in another story. Thank you, all of you, for being here because we've got a greenly okay now john did you yes john has done a greenly with us i did yes okay so i vaguely remember it so let's explain it for patrick and elena when you take a bottle of soy sauce no shut it up elena's mom is still on the zoom no uh basically will greenlee is a quote-unquote journalist for the tc palm down in florida treasure coast palm in florida he writes articles that we and we don't want to know i actually don't want to know i know i don't want to ever speak to him and find out but

he writes we think he has to fill 1200 words and he every time only has 600 so he'll explain things that we already know what they are to a full extent like pants. So he'll explain things that we already know what they are to a full extent. Like pants. At random. He'll explain what an anchor is. Yes. One time he wrote not one, but two verses of the Thong song in one of his articles. He'll even tell you what time a day breakfast is commonly eaten.

That's right. I'm willing to bet Cisco doesn't know too much. Exactly. Here's the deal. Here's here's the game i'm gonna read the story it's from florida for tc palm so it's already weird in its own right okay uh-huh and then when i read some sort of random ass over explanation of what meatballs are aka as he put it balls of meat then you guys have to guess whether it was Dan or Greenlee who wrote it, because Dan is so good. You'll understand

the game. Dan, are we going to add a twist to this? If we get it wrong, we have to do a shot? No, I won't make you do that. I should say it's Malora. I don't get to do that. But when I reveal the correct answer, you'll either see a picture of Will Greenlee, which looks like this. Oh, Jesus! I saw a lot of people Greenlee, which looks like this. Oh, Jesus.

I saw a lot of people jump. He was great in the 1991. Straight up David Cronenberg extra. Yes. Yes. He looks like an early test rendering of TV's Beauty and the Beast. Yes.

He's like Max Too Much Headroom. He looks like he literally just said, good heavens, Miss Sacramoto, you're beautiful. He looks like he's going to quit LensCrafters tomorrow. And then burn it all down. Yes. Burn it to the ground. So he can build it anew.

And people would just listen to him. I have a utopian idea for LensCrafter. It's called Pearl Vision. Okay. It's like the human being representation of 4chan. He looks like the character in a Ridley Scott movie that you know is the android. This guy wears a duster in July.

Okay, here we go. So if it's green, you'll see this picture. If it's me, you'll see this picture. Right. If it's me, you will see this photo. Dan, looking like he's about to do the knife game where he goes around all of his fingertips. Or he's about to get ice cream because he's been a very, very good boy.

He looks like he's waiting for Keith Morrison. I look like I've been given one chance to be in this JCPenney's catalog. And they're like, if you get too handsy and you move your hands too much, we're not putting you in the catalog. Hands on the table. If I put them like this, will it look natural?

Hands on the table. No, they're hands. They look great there. Just don't miss it. And we can fix it in post, but just keep them there. Those aren't even Dan's hands. I look like I'm yelling to people in the parking lot, who wants to see a trick?

Which hand is it under? What? My dignity. Okay. All right. Here we go. All right. Are you ready?

Yes. This was sent in by Derek Shipley at Derek Shipley. Thank you, buddy. Derek sent this in, believe it or not, last December. That's how long I'll hold on to a story. I'm not joking. Here we go. December. That's how long I'll hold on to a story. I'm not joking.

Here we go. A woman told emergency dispatchers her boyfriend pushed her, but not when police arrived and affidavit states that she then said she wanted help finding her TV remote. A television remote

is a handheld device typically powered by triple A or double A batteries that can control a television remotely. He didn't, he didn't just say remotely. Did he? Can I say, can I tell this story?

Like what are the very first VCR Jason and I got was from our uncle who worked in Southern California for this appliance. Uncle Leonard. No, Uncle Leonard. They're going like hotcakes. No, it was a Phil and Jim's appliances. He's doing this joke.

Phil and Jim's appliances, and it was a Hitachi. That was the name of it, like a brand that you've never heard. Hitachi. And they called it Hitachi because the remote was attached to the VCR and didn't go all the way to our couch. It was wired. It was wired remote. So in order to use the remote, which is supposed to make your life easier,

you had to stand up and walk over towards the TV. Yes. Let me hold the remote four feet away where no chair would ever be. All right. So who said that? I'm going to ask you, Elena, Patrick, John, Jason, and Randy. Who wants you to know what a remote control is? Elena, did I write that?

Or did Will Greenlee put that into an actual newspaper? Was that in an article that appeared in a newspaper? Will. Will Greenlee. Okay, great. I love it. Confident. Patrick, we couldn't hear you.

I agree with Elena on this one. Okay, Will Greenlee. John Hamm. John Hamm. That is not a Greenlee. You think that's Dan? Okay. I think that's dan okay i think that's dan i think that's dan too okay i've been wrong before i've been wrong i don't know i've been wrong before i played this hey i voted for trump that's in the trade that's in the try would you even all right

so i want to make a shirt that says i've never not known more because that's how i feel right now and we just started and we just started i'm gonna say that i'm going with uh tennis i'm gonna say that was will greenlee okay really okay the person who wanted you to know just to clear it up that a television remote is a handheld device typically powered by triple A or double A batteries that can control a television remotely. Is Will Greenlee. Yes!

Yes! Yeah, people! I'm feeling good right now. I know. That's it. That was 100% tennis. Here we go. Back to the story. John, my God. John, you and I need to step it up.

I mean, lost, though, in the shuffle is that the woman said, my boyfriend pushed me, called the cops over and was like, hey, guys, that didn't happen. Can you help me find my remote? Can you just help me find my remote? Right. I know. Hashtag defund the police. They're like, I think she said that.

They're like, what does a remote do? I couldn't even find my remote. Defund those assholes. Okay, here's something, a fun little tidbit I'm just going to give you guys, because now you know that Will wanted you to know what a remote was. Sure. This is a picture he included with the story. Oh.

Look at what he wrote. This is a TV remote control. Will Greenlee took that himself. So to leave nothing to confusion. So he gave himself photo credit for that as well. He gave himself photo credit, and he wanted you to see exactly what it was. By the way, a TV remote control. The fact that he took it all the way out to control is just too much.

Too much. This is a remote. It reeks of the way you use the type like sophomore year papers in college of like yes, got to hit the word thing. So yeah, it's it 1200. It's like when people say when you ask

someone with their email addresses and they're like W. Yeah, that or they go, they're like, oh yeah, it's I don't know. It's Michael Davenport at gmail.com. What do we think goes after it? It's not gmail.org? It's like saying you're holding your press conference at the Four Seasons.

Landscaping. That's right. Full landscape. I feel like, by the way, that remote looks like it's for a very old television. No, no. I feel like Will Greenlee would be like, so let me just put in here that this is a TV remote. Like someone would look at it and be like, a TV what? Yeah.

A TV remote control. Oh. Okay. Oh, yes. Got it. I got it. And you know it's on the floor and he's standing. It controls it remotely.

Oh, okay. Fair. Thank you. Thank you for clearing that up. I got you. Thanks, Will. Yeah, because I saw that and I was like, that looks like a remote.

For what? Yeah. For what? For controlling a TV remotely. How would you control it with a TV remote? For what? It's a remote. For what?

A TV. For what? To's a remote. For what? A TV. For what? To control it. How? Remotely. Thank you. Thank you. This finally confirms. Pat's family calls the remote a clicker.

Yes. That's not what it is. A remote to remotely control. That's a clicker and i don't know what it is and now it's really a remote to remotely control that that's a clicker that's because it used to do you know yeah it used to it used to be the remote controls operate under sound and there were four uh little basically like uh tone bars in and a little hammer would hit the tone and it would change the channel raise the volume lower the volume whatever and uh we had one we had a zenith a television piece of furniture on pounds right you put the remote control that was operated by sound and when our dog would scratch his neck

his um the chain his collar would make the same sound and he would change the channel. He also did not like the Jeffersons. Let's be honest. I mean, your dog was like, get it off. He was like more of a Carson guy.

I get it. I get it. I'm not a Tom Snyder fan. All right. All right. Back. Here we are. So the December 15th, it's the holiday season, guys.

Sure. Call the cops. The case happened at the 800 block of Schumann Drive, where Sebastian police reported hearing a woman yelling. Officers went there after a reported physical disturbance, with the woman telling dispatchers she had been pushed to the ground by her boyfriend. It is not known if the two live together, but a boyfriend is a man that is unmarried

but is in a committed relationship with another person. Jesus Christ. No, no, no. No, no, no. You. No, no, no. You can't do it. So I wish she would have just said, I've been pushed by my boyfriend. And then when they came, she could have been like, he's pushing me in directions that I don't want to be pushed emotionally.

Exactly. And she can get away with that. Push to the ground is like, you got to show what happened. You got to show it. So Elena, what do you think? Who wants you to know what a boyfriend is? He stumbled while reading it. So I, what do you think? Who wants you to know what a boyfriend is? He stumbled while reading it, so I don't think he wrote...

Yeah, I'm going with Will again. Okay. Will Greenlee. Very good. I like it. Hammer, what do you think? I'm going to stick with my own thing. It's not happening. It's not Will. It's not a Greenlee. It's Dan. Okay. I think he deliberately stumbled stumbled this is how dan gets you okay because you know we were in new york we were at the bell house

michael che was like i got it i know i got his tells i know it and then the next three he got all wrong as soon as he said that we're like you definitely don't have it, Michael. Who left the stage? Johnson and Riley? It's like I've always said, I'm just like Michael Che. You are just like Michael Che. You're the Michael Che of comedy. You're the Michael Che of the St. Louis Blues fandom. I would say that is Will Greenlee.

Okay. And what did you say, Jay? I think that's Dan. I'm with Ham on this. Okay. I can see so many of you. There's hundreds of you. One twin each. Okay. I'm going to ask you guys, just put your hands up if you think it's Will Greenlee. Who thinks it's Will Greenlee?

Put your hand up. I can see hundreds of you. Okay? Okay. Put your hands up if you think that it is me. Who thinks that it's me? Lots of people think it's Dan. Lots of people think it's Dan.

You're with me. Overwhelmingly Dan. All right. It is not known if the two live together, but a boyfriend is a man that is unmarried, but in a committed relationship with another person. The person who wrote that and wants you to know what a

boyfriend is. That would be me. Yes! Thank you. Way to go, Ham. I'm two for two, and you're right, Ham. By the way, Dan, that is the longest explanation to try to get a girlfriend ever.

The person who wants you to know what a boyfriend is. There you go. Jessica. I'm just a podcaster standing in front of a Zoom screen. I love you. Asking the audience to love him.

Okay, here we go. Dan, you're going to get a bowl of ice cream in two seconds in that photo. You're going to get that bowl of ice cream. That's all. That's what I was a good boy for. You're so ready. So I was a good boy for it, Dan. Very good boy.

You just have to be quiet for another two minutes, and then you're going to get it. I just don't want that one part of the Neapolitan. Okay, here we go. Neapolitan. That's what the little kid would say. part of the Neapolitan. Okay, here we go. Neapolitan. That's what the little kid would say. I love a Neapolitan. Some German chocolate cake. Oh, come on, come on.

I know, but God forbid I go down an end road like you guys with St. Louis history. Bring up the Germans in front of two shoes, Dan. Jesus Christ. What, do you want to bake the Alaska with it, too? Jesus. It's called Grieve Curve, but some lady jumped off a cliff and landed on a McDonald's. Thank you. Now we're back. By the way,

Jan just rattled off the history of Creve Coeur, which was our town, which is Broken Heart in St. Louis. It was a man jumped off a cliff because he couldn't be in love with the Native American squaw. He was a white settler. And then she found out that he died. And so she jumped off the same cliff.

And we're like, what fucking cliffs are in St. Louis? It's the flattest town. The most you can do is get a high ankle sprain. A high ankle sprain is the biggest thing that can happen to you. They both jumped off Cliff Claven. And that's higher than any hill in St. Louis.

And that's a bad sprain if you do it wrong. If you land on a Ratzenberger, you're going to get a... You're going down. You're going down. Well, you mess with the Ratzenberger. You get the... I'm going to let you guys go as far as you want. You mess with the Ratzenberger, you get the Wendt.

All right, go. It's got to be your bowl. The woman who police said smelled of booze told investigators she wasn't in a physical altercation with her boyfriend did i say that i was instead what's a boyfriend explain it to him instead according to the affidavit she was grumpy quote with him due to him hiding her television's remote. A television remote affords television viewers the luxury of remaining seated

while performing functions, including changing channels and lowering the volume. Who wanted you to know what a remote can do? This is a mindfuck. Patrick. Patrick, Elena, what do you guys think? Oh, sorry, I don't know why i said it's shane

i'm sorry elena elena all right i mean we don't know anything anymore um will again yeah greenly okay this was his like crusade in life there you go he's gotta explain what it is on every aspect of the remote about modes are for that's right for. That's right. What they are. Use them. Are they wired or wireless? Yeah, exactly. What do you say, John Hamm? Hamm, what do you think?

I will concur. Okay. I've learned my lesson. I think this man is on a remote crusade. I think so, too. He's on a crusade remotely. I think I'm going to go. I'm going to go.

Will Greenlee, too. Okay. You'm going to go Will Greenlee too. You going to be the one to hold out? Because he already explained what a remote is. No. That's what the fuck is next. We should tell Tennis, and John, I don't know if we didn't do this with you, we've done ones where I wrote all of them. We've done

ones where I wrote none of them. Where it was all green. And that broke Will Arnett's soul. Yeah, that broke his soul. Will Arnett stood on stage at Largo and said, I am going down to Florida and I'm going to punch this guy in the face. I see a lot of people holding up signs for Dan.

Alright, I'm going to go with Dan. I'm going to go with Dan. I think Dan... Alright, so... Me and John and I and Patrick Alano, we're all Will Greenlee Jays, Dan. If right. So... Okay. I'm two for two, by the way. John and I and Patrick Alano were all Will Greenlee Jays, Dan. The television remote... If you win, you win.

Yeah. Yeah. If we win, it's a four-way tie. If we win, America wins. The television remote affords television viewers the luxury of remaining seated while performing functions

including changing channels and lowering the volume. Get your hands up if you think that I wrote them. A Ford's is the key word. Yes, a Ford's is the key thing. Who thinks it was Dan? Raise your hand if you think it was me.

Okay. Raise your hand if you think it was Will Greenlee. Greenlee. Okay. All right. I see a lot of Greenlees out there. There we go. A lot of Greenlees out there.

The person who wants you to know exactly what a remote can do for your life if you act now is... I love looking at all of you. Yeah! Yes! Okay, now I'm going to ask Patrick and Alana because this is the first time they've ever played this game. Does this

make you happier than you think it should have made you? You got it right. No, I thought this would be a dope game. Yeah, okay. So you were already. You were like bar is high. You knew it was going to be fun. Ham has got a good record in this game. I think from my memory

back on stage too, you were good on this. Yeah, he was really good. I'm two for two. Two for four. I'm two for four, which by the way, if it was baseball, and we can run through some old Cardinals if you want to. If anybody wants to talk about Tommy Herr. If you want to talk about Glenn Romer. How about anyone?

Dane York. I'm mixed on Jim Edmonds. All right, here we go. All right, so it's Jim Edmonds. Scott Spezia. I know. I love it. I tee it up. You guys hit those St. Louis references. We hit them down into the turf.

Hit them down. Run it out I tee it up. You guys hit those St. Louis references. We hit them down into the turf. Hit them down. Run it out. Run it out. Let's do it. Let's go to the St. Louis Bread Company. All right. Here we go. Soup and a bread bowl. Soup and a bread bowl. She then asked me, this is the police officer,

she then asked me if I could help her locate her television remote inside her residence, the affidavit states. It wasn't immediately clear whether she was trying to watch a specific program, such as Dancing with the Stars or the Andy Griffith Show, or whether she wished to browse what currently was on a practice commonly known as flipping through the channels. Who wanted you to know some options of shows? What was on TV from Dancing with the Stars to Andy Griffith? Honey, what do you want to watch tonight? You want to watch Dancing with the Stars or Andy Griffith?

You two. Are we going to watch Mandalorian tonight or Gomer Pyle? Honey, it's the Queen's Gamut or F Troop. That's our only option. I forget what episode

of Dobie Gillis are we on? Honey, are we watching The Great Tonight or Gunsmoke? Did we finish Ethel? Have Gun Will Travel or just the Travel Channel all night? You tell us. Who wanted you to know that? Patrick, Elena, who do you guys think? I feel like the tone really shifted on this one.

I'm going with Dan. It actually is like a Bible verse. Like, she then spoke unto him or something. She layeth knowledge on him. All right, so you say Dan. Patrick. I'm with Elena on this. That's Dan.

Dan. Okay. Hammer, what do you this. That's Dan. Dan. Okay. Hammer, what do you think? I'm going Dan. I agree. I felt like the voice changed. Yeah, I'm going to go with Dan too. Okay. I'm going Will Greenlee. Okay, Jay. Hold on. I'm a contrarian. Just to be contrarian. You got it. I love it. I love it. It's great. It's great. Let me see. Raise

your hands if you think that I wrote it. Who thinks Dan wrote it? Some committed, some half-hearted. Who thinks Greenlee wrote that? Who thinks that Will Greenlee wrote that? Whoa, okay. All right. 60-40.

A lot of Greenlees. All right. Who thinks we should have a recount? Just kidding. Georgia? Folks? Anyway. The person who wanted you to know that it wasn't clear if she was watching Dances with

the Stars or the Andy Griffith Show. Dances with the Stars? Sorry, Dancing with the Stars. Dances with the Stars or the Andy Griffith show. Dances with the Stars? Sorry, Dancing with the Stars. Dances with the Stars is my favorite reality show. He danced with... He danced with Whitney Houston, who he was also the bodyguard for.

That's right. Or whether she wished to see what was currently on a practice known as flipping through the channels. The person who wrote that is Will Greenlee. Oh, Jason. He's going on. How you doing, John?

It's also not known as flipping through the channels. It's known as channel surfing. That is. Idiot. Nobody calls it flipping through the channels. Elena, what were you saying? Was that his later work? Yes. Yes.

Yes. By the way, I'm the only one with three victories right now. Calm down. I just want the world to know I don't often win. I need it in my life. The woman told police she'd spent the entire afternoon

imbibing vodka a clear alcoholic spirit of russian origin made by distillation of rye wheat or potatoes the vodka martini was popularized popularized by sean connery who ordered his drink shaken not stirred although most known for his role as james bond sean connery won an oscar in 1987 for his work in Brian De Palma's The Untouchables. You the man now, dog. Well, that's a different one. Sorry. Who wanted you to know what vodka is? And who James

who Sean Connery is? May he rest in peace. Yes. All right. What do you guys... And what a shocker. He won an Academy Award for The Untouchables. It's amazing. You didn't know that? Okay.

Neither did I. Patrick, Elena, who do you think wrote that? Dan or Greenlee? I'm saying Greenlee because I just enjoyed the tangent. Yeah, exactly. He's known for them. So does he, I feel like. Elena, what do you think?

I just feel like Dan's trying to trick us. So, yeah, Dan Greenlee. You got it. Will Greenlee. Will Greenlee. No, she feel like Dan's trying to trick us. So, yeah, Dan Greenlee. You think Dan? Okay. Will Greenlee. No, she's saying she's customizing my name. Yeah. Okay.

So, this is our first split ticket for you guys? Are you guys splitting the ticket? I'm saying Will. Oh. Sorry. I misspoke. Two Wills. Two Wills.

Two Wills. Two Wills. I'm going Dan. Okay. Okay. I think that's Will Wills. Two Wills. Two Wills. Two Wills. I'm going Dan. Okay. Okay. I think that's Will Greenlee. Okay. I can't believe it.

So here's why I think it's Will Greenlee, and I don't purport to believe that there's a pattern in this game. I believe that this game is much like life. Like, you haven't earned anything. You are not promised anything. Nothing should be given to you. But I think the fact that he went on a tangent that led to another tangent that led to another tangent is all about Will Greenlee.

It started one place. Triple tangent is Will Greenlee all the way. That's what I'm going with. By the way, that's a great analysis, except I would say the reason I think that's Dan, and I could very well be wrong, is that there was a real first grader Google search of what vodka is made of. That's right. I feel like Will Greenlee has a way deeper understanding of vodka. Right.

Sure. Vodka from the Russians. He's got a reporter deeper understanding of vodka. Right. Sure. Vodka from the Russians. He's got a reporter's understanding of vodka. Okay. Elena, what were you saying? I could be wrong. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, he did say an anchor, something that holds something in place. Look, Dan. Here we go. And what do most people think? Who thinks it's Dan? Raise your hands. Raise your hands if you think that it is me. And then who thinks that's Will your hands. Raise your hands if you think that it is me.

And then who thinks that's Will Greenlee? Raise your hands if you think that Will Greenlee. I feel like the majority will say Will Greenlee. And I'm just going to say right now we have Steve Kornacki in another room just touching a big board. Tallying the votes. Tallying the votes. By the way, and Steve, but the gap should give, because his pants are a certain type of khaki, and I think they should be called Kornacki khaki. Kornackii khaki and the gap should be selling straight up kornacki khakis that dude's amazing

they're missing an opportunity they that's right they really are the person who wants you to know by the way as of yesterday steve kornacki not verified on twitter how is that a human being no one knew his name no one knew him nobody who he was. Now he's got 11 million followers. Okay. The person who wants you to know what vodka is, how it then became popularized by a movie, and then who Sean Connery is,

and then what he won awards for. Why he won the award. The person who wanted you to know all of that stuff. Triple tang. Triple tang. Going on a triple tang.

That person's name is Daniel Van Park. John Hamm. John Hamm on Google search. You're damn right I Google search. That's what told me. I was like, nobody else is Googling. That's very good. That's what the me. I was like, nobody else is willing. That's very good. That is very good.

Are we almost done? Yep. Here we go. Investigators said that in the end, the woman caused the physical disturbance herself when she put her hand inside her pants pocket and opening near the hip that usually contains keys or a cell phone and wouldn't take her hand out. Who wanted you to know what a pocket is? By the way, this story is the story your mom should have tuned in for. I really am sorry. Your mom left at hot dogs in the vagina.

She should have stuck around for what's a pocket. Which, by the way, that could be said about the vagina. It's an old, rotting hot dog pocket. It's where you keep your rotting hot dogs. That's right. It's your rotting hot dog pocket. By the way, our mom is in this Zoom as well. That's right.

Exactly. In St. Louis. Elena, what do you think? Is that Dan or is that Greenlee? I don't know. I have no instinct anymore. I feel like he's playing games with us at this point. Right. Dan fucks with you so much that you forget what you know of anything.

Of reality. Okay. So what do you think? It's like living through the Trump era. You don't know what is true anymore. Gaslit. Gaslit. It's a total assault on facts. What do you think? I'm going to say Will again. Okay. Will? We have to play like rock, paper, scissors. We do the three at a time. It's a common tactic.

Yeah, sure. I agree. So you think Will too? Okay. Ham, what do you think? It's a quickie. It's a quick one. Yeah, I'm going to say that's a greenly. I think that's a greenly too. Greenly. Okay.

A straight greenly. Unanim too. Greenlee. Okay. It's a straight Greenlee. A unanimous. A unanimous Greenlee. Okay. Ben Lee, by the way, does not think it's Greenlee. He thinks it's Dan. He thinks it's Dan. We have a tiebreaker. For the record.

The person who wanted you to know that she put... Amy Coney Barrett is willing to weigh in also on saying that it's Greenlee. And again, Kornacki at the big board. The person who wanted you to know that she put her hand inside her pants pocket and opening near the hip that usually contains keys or a cell phone and wouldn't take her hand out. Boys, join me for a shot on this one. As

I tell all of you, the person who wanted you to know that drink them if you got them is ready? Yeah, baby. Wow. Me. Me. ready wow me anyway let me say this

let me say oh my god this is like someone turned on oh I don't know a hose with hot sauce inside my ham I wish you I wish all of you could have been with us in North Carolina where the Sklars drank some friendly moonshine and then they went to a parking lot and were

given real bathtub moonshine. Oh dear. I've never I did a spit take like I was in North Carolina. Yes. Yeah. I mean, it was a guy in a minivan. It was a guy in a minivan in a parking lot who rolled up and handed them some moonshine. I literally...

Guy in a minivan. Guy in a minivan. I mean, it wasn't a pickup truck. It was a minivan. That should be your new Greenlee thing of like, was it Dan or was this a guy in a minivan? A guy in a minivan. So let me say this that I want to announce to everybody before Tennis Plays Out. So our next live one of these is going to be a holiday show on Saturday, December 12th.

Our musical guest. Are you guys ready? Are you guys ready? Our musical guest is a gentleman by the name of Mac Lethal. He is fantastic. Hip hop dude from Kansas City. He's one of the best around. Fastest rappers in the world. And our

guests are going to be Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds. The Dollop. It is going to be Dollop People Town for the holidays. And some of the proceeds are going to go to two different charities. One for seniors and one for kids for the holidays. We're going to post that link tonight. And again, we're going to pick five of you who buy regular tickets.

If you get the tickets in the next 24 hours and bump you up to the VIP section. Yep. I want to thank fun. Go to DanielVanKirk.com right now. That ticket, that link is right there for you to get your tickets. Get in on that contest. And also while you're there, play some games with me. We're doing a movie club on Friday.

I love it. Jon Hamm, you are the best. Thank you so much for being a part of this with us, and good luck with everything that you're doing, and I can't wait till there's a universe where we can hang out together. We miss you, man. Me and you just so much, so fun. La Pubelle, all night long. Yes, and the band Tennis pick up

all their stuff. You guys are going to play one final song and play us out to all of our fans here. What a wonderful celebration of an amazing night. A great historic night. Where political justice has been served. The post-show hang is going to be off the hook. I don't know. They released some extra tickets. If you want to grab one, you can probably

still do it right now. Maybe. But it's going to be fun. One or two pages of dumb people. That's impressive. I love it. I love it. I love it. Thank you Jon Hamm. Tennis, take us away. Looking for someone to carry you into Futures that beckon but need to be followed I hope you're happy, I hope you're pleased I thought you were a victim but it's clear to me I need your love and I need your touch

Like I need a bolt of light And from the sky above I've been thinking about you Thank you. Talking a lot like a prophet But there's no wisdom in what you've been saying And I can't seem to get a read on you Bending your bridges and spreading around Those rumors that sprout from the cracks in the ground I hope you're happy. I hope you're pleased. I thought you were a victim, but it's clear to me that baby, you've got more poison than sugar. Baby, you've got more poison than sugar. Baby, you've got more poison than sugar Baby, you've got more poison than sugar

Baby, you've got more poison I need your love and I need your touch Like I need a bolt of lightning from the sky above I've been thinking about you, thinking about you I need a bolt of lightning from the sky above I've been thinking about you, thinking about you I can't escape you, oh I'm thinking about you, thinking about you I can't escape you, oh

Who could blame me? Every time I hear your name I go crazy Ooh baby, baby Every time I hear your name I go crazy I need your love and I need your touch like I need a boat of laughing from the sky above. I've been thinking about you, thinking about you. I can't escape you.

I'm thinking about you, thinking about you. I can't escape you. Thinking about you I'm gonna skip you I'm gonna skip you I'll take all of that you got. You guys are the best. That was so good. Thank you, tennis.

Thank you so much, Jon Hamm. There might be a couple of post-show hangs. If people want to hang out post-show, just go to eventbrite.com. Look up Live Don't People Town. If there are any more post-show hangs, that ticket link might be live. And the ticket for the next show, if it's not up right now, it'll be up very, very, very shortly. Again, December 12th, the Dollop and Mac Lethal. It's our holiday show. Dollop

People Town. This was such a joy. We love you guys so much. Thank you for making this wonderful night in America so special for us. I got emotional today. We have so few things to look forward to in this pandemic.

We have had so few things to look forward to. As much as you guys look forward to, and I hope you guys look forward to these shows pandemic. We have had so few things to look forward to. As much as you guys look forward to, and I hope you guys look forward to these shows that we do, Randy is your name Randy? Yes, it is. Randy, Dan, and me. We look forward to these shows. The fact that that news

came this morning, and I was already excited about today. I was already looking forward to tonight. The way it felt to know that you had a show tonight. And we had you guys with us. All of these people. It's the best. That have been with you for so long because they prioritize the same shit you prioritize. That's being kind, being

smart, and having fun. And to be able to have you guys here for the post-show hang, I might really not have a shirt on this time. You never know. Dan cried in the pre-show. I got emotional. You got emotional. Dan cried in the pre-show. Hey, I got emotion. You got emotional. Rosemary Van Kirk, you're touching the heart, baby.

So we love you guys so much. And oh, shit, we got to get back to work. Bye, you guys. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb