Dumb People Town - DPT Live - Mike Birbiglia - Just Be Happy
Episode Date: October 6, 2020This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Mike Doughty. To kick off the show, Daniel reads some amazing headlines. In story one, man reta...liates after neighbor leaves dog poop on his lawn. In story two, man breaks up with wife to then marry... his mother-in-law.Â
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Skypains Avenue I wouldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan.
Man, jerk, don't be a jerk.
That's when the music hits the funny hits and we are gonna take you down.
Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town.
I present to you, Dumb People Town Live.
Dumb People Town Live! What's up?
What's up?
That's awesome.
You guys.
Hello, friends.
How you doing?
I think I'm missing something because
uh-oh.
Oh!
There's the hat.
You know what's coming.
But first, an unwanted hug.
Someone who doesn't know how to properly get this show rolling.
Randy is due back working at a Trader Joe's in Yellowstone.
I feel like a guy who says that you can't only you cannot prevent forest fires.
He identifies who cannot identify. He identifies who cannot stop.
You got the joke.
I'm going to introduce. We are so excited about this show.
We have great guests. Our guest is great.
Our musical guest is great and I'm going to introduce him to play a little music at the top. He's someone that we've loved for so long.
I loved him in his original incarnation of his band. His solo stuff is incredible as well. He's
coming to you from Memphis. I think he is a deeply soulful person. He's going to play an original
song and our theme song. Would you please step aside
and let the man go through.
Let the man go
through. Here comes our good
friend Mike Doty.
Mike Doty!
Don't touch the box. Don't touch the shelf. Don't touch the people. Don't touch the box, don't touch the shelf
Don't touch the people, don't touch yourself
Lysol, sprayed on the wheel
No hugging, no speaking, hand holding, no feel
With the sad warfare
Picking shoe, pillowcase, mask, and death in hair
Conversating with an Amazon bot
On a broken drive-thru dressing like an astronaut.
Do the rona,
polona.
Do the rona, polona.
You won't know it if you're doing it right.
You never know it if you're doing it right.
You won't know it if you're doing it right. And if you're doing it right, you're doing it right You won't know it if you're doing it right And if you're doing it right
You're doing it right
Fuck this curve, fuck Mnuchin
If I was a kid, I'd find me a mall to loot
Shut up, at least you learned to use your phone
So the bird may be the home of loans
What you live, don't watch the vain man
Who can't forgive Jesus for the common good
Got the mask on, laying in the cut
Got the dunk in my tigga
Like an extra and my eyes wide shut
Sorry
I tried super hard
Do the Rona, Polona
Do the Rona, Polona
Won't know it if you're doing it right You're the Rona Polona. Voices in your head like a little tiny Cardi B On the ledge with the boxer Wipes next to me if I chuck
They'll scrape me up
Throw me in a sanitized Supergolf cup
Come correct with the stimulus
Checked by a yellow esteem
I'm unsure when but I'll check before they close down
France again
To the Rona
Polona
To the Rona Polona you won't know what if you're doing it right you never know what if you're doing it right
you won't know what if you're doing it right if you're doing it right
you won't know what if you're doing it right you'll never know what if you don't want to write You'll never know what if you don't want to write
You won't know what if you don't want to write
If you don't want to write
You don't want to write
Thank you
Yes, love it
Thank you very much
All right.
Do the song.
Yeah, let's do this.
Give it to us, buddy.
You know, it's a tough one.
Dan and Rand and Jay will share.
Tells folks so unaware.
They lack in grace and sometimes shoes.
The life they choose will make the news.
Breaking down each epic fail
in Florida. There's half-price bail.
I'm happy to say they
couldn't make this
up. So listen
to our podcast jam
with co-hosts, our man Sam
Van Der, don't be
a jerk, cause when the music
quits, funny hits
and we are gonna take you down.
Jump around,
hunker down, make
a sound, at the ground round
in a strapless gown, like
downtown Julie Brown in Stone
People Town.
Yes!
Thank you.
Thank you. You gave Dan a new name
I'll take it
Dan has become Sam Van Kirk
Did I call you Sam?
It's not an easy song
It's not an easy song and you crushed it
And you added your own twist at the end
It was beautiful
Whatever throws Sally Mae off my case, you help out.
So Mike Doty, you're with us, and I'm so happy you're here.
You're going to be playing music throughout.
You're going to help us get through these things.
But first, I have to ask everybody and send everybody.
Hey, townies.
Welcome to a Now comedy club live zoom
version of
town
town
town
that was good that was very good
population you
you know before we get to our
guests we always have hi Dan how are
you what's up buddy
great to see you
we always have a little thing that we started to do now,
aside from making fun of Randy's hat.
I don't know why people are making fun of my hat.
I think it's fantastic.
You also don't know why you lost the deposit.
I'm in a mighty, mighty Boston's cover band.
Boston's cover band.
From Portland, Maine.
Randy bought that hat just so he could help people
his opinions on the fire.
That's what Randy wants to know.
So he could never solve the case.
You look like the half-worn dude.
Randy, you also look like you're a private investigator in jackson wyoming
i'm a public investigator that's right okay uh so we start out every show with a little bit of fun
and of course on this one we're going to dig into what we love to do because there's some
there's some stories that can't make a full show. Yeah, it's just a headline. That is why we just do headlines.
All right.
Okay, you guys ready for this?
Oh, I'm ready.
All right, here we go.
I'm going to give you guys the first one.
These are stories that don't have enough content in them.
But the headlines alone are worth making fun of.
Yeah, exactly.
Okay, here we go.
Ready?
Just to be clear.
Here it is.
First one is this man who had sex with
bicycle sentenced and he could not look any more pissed about it man who had sex with bicycle
i just to me i'm assuming it's a it's a unicycle.
There's also a daughter somewhere asking him,
what are you into these days, Dad?
I'm into banana seats.
What part of the bike do you have sex with?
I don't know. The tires?
The pump?
Look.
You think he'd be wearing biking gloves and not mittens?
I feel like that would be more... I don't know. To me me i feel like it could be a recumbent unicycle now that i think about it exactly exactly okay you're
ready for another one that is the tour to france as far as i'm concerned how many bicycles can you
have sex with i want to remind everybody we're running this we're all figuring out just like
everybody's doing in life i always say this at the beginning of every zoom show I ever do.
I can guarantee you two things. One, we're going to have a lot of fun to some of this.
If not, a lot of it will not go as planned.
Just that is what's happening in life right now.
Bear with me. You'll be able to see the wires at some point.
There you go. You can see yourself there. Ready for this second headline.
able to see the wires at some point.
There you go. You can see yourself up there.
Ready for this? Second headline.
Someone breaks into Gulf Home, but it's spelled
G-U-E-L-F, and defecates
in their dishwasher.
Okay.
Yeah.
You are going to defecate
anywhere.
Does that qualify as doing a good?
Here's the best.
Yes, it does.
Thank you.
That's an Ask our brothers double win.
The entire story for this is three sentences.
Ready?
Let's see.
The whole story is three sentences.
Let's hear it.
Sometime between 1 a.m. and 8.15 a.m.
Two pick of a window.
Two pick of a window.
I know.
You don't know anything more than that?
I'm going to say this.
I think the window
to deliver that dishwasher was
smaller than the window they gave
when someone took a shit in it.
On September 13, 2020, a residence
located near the intersection of Starwood
Drive and Eastwood Road. They don't even know which
I have no idea what time.
I love that we can't be specific about the
house. Right.
In the city of Gulf, so they know where,
was entered through an unlocked back
sliding glass door. Which one?
We don't know. Who knows? Also, people
lock your goddamn doors.
One could say that he dropped
his load using an unlocked sliding glass
door back door.
While the residents were asleep, nothing was
taken. However, the culprit defecated
in the open dishwasher before leaving the residence.
Why would you leave your dishwasher open?
I disagree with that.
Nothing was taken.
Someone's dignity was taken.
For sure.
Someone's innocence was taken.
That's what I love, too.
Anyone with information is asked to contact Constable John Hunt, who literally by his name should be doing a better job.
Constable John Hunt.
Is he from original Mary Poppins?
Who calls it a constable anymore?
Constable John Hunt.
Mike's brother.
We know that for sure.
I wanted to give out some love and I forgot that first headline.
See, I've already messed this up.
Jesse Malgren at Jesse Malgren sent it in.
And then the second one, Missy Jacobs at Missy MI77269017, which may or may not be Missy's social security number.
All right, just try it out.
Try it out.
See if it works.
Don't want to forget it.
Go apply for a loan and see if it works.
You ready for the third headline?
Yeah, I love this one.
Let me cue this up here.
Here we go.
Okay, here we go.
This is somebody, oh, man, if we saw her in the wild.
Oh, God.
This is somebody, oh man, if we saw her in the wild.
Oh God.
Jackson,
Jacksboro woman charged with public intoxication for chewing on horses,
Maine and calling it candy.
Okay.
By the way, she's good.
He's good.
People is what I said.
Here's the church. Here's the the people why is she chewing on a horse
somewhere
somewhere there's a bedroom
with a niece inside of it wondering
what happened to their aunt
said she was going out for some
milk I just think it's good that the
bitter beer face guy is still getting work
I like this
and I do I don't like the some milk. I just think it's good that the bitter beer face guy is still getting work. I like this.
And I don't like the fact that after she was caught, they took
her out back and shot her.
Man, what are you doing?
Shooting candy? Is it good?
No.
You like it?
You want to take it out of your mouth?
Okay.
Come over here behind this barn.
I can't tell.
She thought she was chewing on candy.
The horse's name was candy.
Or her name.
All the people have told Cynthia people, we gave you money last time.
We gave you money last time.
Cynthia Teeple right now is not allowed to ride a public bus.
Cynthia Teeple has her picture in four diners, all for not paying.
No autograph.
Do not serve this woman.
Cynthia Teeple has shown up to three different family reunions this year and none of them are her family.
Always had a
little Caesars hot and ready.
That's right.
Is it good? It's hot and ready.
You guys got any candy?
Candy's not bad.
Cynthia Teeple has looked
at more than one dog and said it looks tasty
i mean cynthia teeple has told someone at some point if you leave you're never gonna get this
back
cynthia teeple has bangs and she did not ask for them.
Yes.
They grew of their own volition.
That's right.
They grew despite her.
Cynthia Teeple's pissed up at you three.
That's okay.
Those are headlines to get us warmed up.
And we have Mike Doty here. We're going to bring in our guest. He is...
I can't tell you how much I love this guy.
I love that he has blown up the way that he has. I love him tell you how much I love this guy. I love that he has blown
up the way that he has. I love him as a
comedian. I love him as a filmmaker.
I love him as a friend, as
an author. You know, he's the one, he was
one of the only guys we used twice on our
show, Cheap Seats in New York. That's how long
we've known him and love him. Would you please
welcome our friend, Mike Birbiglia.
Birbig!
For you, my friend.
There he is.
You know, I really like those news stories.
I think you guys have a lot of great jokes.
And I'm all for jokes.
I'm all for humor.
I have to be a little bit political when I make jokes at people's expense.
Yeah. humor. I have to be a little bit political when I make jokes at people's expense.
Because my last film, Don't Think Twice,
was nominated for Teeple's Choice Award.
And so...
So I just don't want to say anything.
You gotta be careful.
It's gonna step on the wrong toes.
A hundred percent.
You don't want to lose the feature
in Teeple Magazine. I get it.
I got you.
The same joke you did.
I do think it was cool
that when they chased her, she ran over
a hurdle, stepped in some water,
and we called that the TEEFL chase.
I know.
By the way,
Cheap Seats is
my first ever IMDb credit.
And I'm using that to this very day.
You played, this is my favorite thing that you played.
You played a man dressed in an apes costume that served tea very daintily to our guests on the show.
Your object work was so amazing.
I also played the super teams
me guy.
Morgan Spurlock,
you watched a lot of super teams.
30 days of super teams and you lost your mind
and fell out the window.
That show
was the best and i saw a petition being
passed around and circulated to bring back cheap seats and i will sign that petition i'm thrilled
i love it thank you thank you thank you for doing that i appreciate that well i have a question for
you because you know you you now have a kid you've been uh, you've sort of been locked in lockdown in that mode.
Do you feel like in New York,
do you feel like the world is getting dumber or are we just more privy to
the dumb that exists?
We, I think it's,
it's either we were that dumb before and we're opening up the matrix of dumb. Oh, we were dumb dumb before. Sure. And we're opening up the matrix of dumb.
Yes.
Oh, we were dumb all along.
Uh-huh.
Or we're getting dumber,
which is what you're saying.
I don't know.
Either way, it's out there,
and it's there.
Well, we like to do,
Dan, should we do?
Yeah, I mean,
they say, like,
struggle shows character,
and I think that's where our world
and country is right now.
It's like, oh, you guys are struggling? Here's how bad you are.
And part of this show is we've all done dumb things in our lives, so we're going to present you with some stories and some things that will make you feel better about the dumb stuff you've done.
And we'd love to kick off the show, Mike. I don't know, both Mikes, I don't know, Dodie and Birbiglia, I don't know if you've ever played, but we do a little thing here to open the show called What is Your Florida Man?
Which Florida man are you?
The way that this is played, we will start out with Mike Birbiglia.
According to the interweb, Mike, your birthday is June 20th.
Is that correct?
Correct.
Okay.
Happy birthday.
June 20th. Thank you. Head Correct. Happy birthday. June 20th.
Headline is... I'm going to get this ready here. Headline is
man...
Well, specifically
Florida man. Florida man
couldn't drive stick
after carjacking.
Now,
according to witnesses
and investigators, Antoine Chief Keith Bell.
Is that?
That is.
Yeah.
Chief Keith.
Yes.
Chief Keith.
Chief Keith Bell ordered a woman out of her car, but abandoned the car a short time later because he couldn't drive a stick shift.
So he tried to jack the wrong car.
You got to know what to do.
You have to know your limits as a criminal.
That's bad. Can you imagine?
You tried to jack the car,
but the couldn't drive stick failed.
Failed. Miserably. Which I also
hope was a conversation they had as
he was getting her out of the car.
Can you drive? I can drive it, ma'am.
No, you can't.
I need this car. And she's trying
to be nice, but it's making him feel worse.
She's like, you got to put your foot on the car.
I know what I'm doing.
I know what I'm doing.
I've played Need for Speed.
I know how this works.
I also hope he kept stalling out so she was just next to him.
I wouldn't be like, nope, you're still halfway.
Mike, did you ever have a stick shift car?
No, no, I can't drive stick. But I've driven, I would say, 100,000 plus miles across this great America of ours.
But I've never driven a stick.
It's always intimidated me.
Yeah, so Randy and I, we took a job in, what was it?
2000.
The year 2000, We took a job. This was like before... I mean, they wanted us to do
10 hours of filming a day
to drive a Toyota
Spyder. An MR2 Spyder.
Across country. And they said,
do you guys know how to drive stick? And we didn't even
look at each other. We were both like, yes.
But we had to have
our friend who knew
how to drive stick come to the toyota place in torrance
and drive it off the lot because we didn't know how to drive it and we were about to drive it
across the country we learned how to drive stick in two days and then we went on this trip and i
just remember we were on we were missing i was in we were in phoenix seven hours into the trip and i
missed the exit or he was just missing the exit and so Randy went
from fifth gear down to
first gear without downshifting
at all.
It sounded like I stepped
on a puppy. Yeah, it was just the
worst noise
ever. The worst noise ever
and so we were terrible
at it. So it's not something you can pick up in a
second so I understand what he's talking about. Kudos to you can pick up in a second. So I understand what you're saying.
Kudos to you guys for lying.
I mean, that's straight up lying.
If someone asks if you're a god, you say yes.
Yes.
Okay.
I'll take it to the next level.
I'll take it to the next level on the stick shift.
I don't know what the stick shift is doing.
That is how illiterate I am.
Explain it to am. Explain it
to me. Explain it to me.
You know when you're getting on a freeway
and your car goes
like that?
Dan, I find this tone
insulting.
This is all done
out of love.
No, no. I don't like how you're kind of cocky
about how you went into it.
Yeah.
All right.
So you know what a car.
It's almost like you're wearing Randy's hat.
I feel like this would be wearing Randy's hat.
No, no.
Give it to Dan.
I'll look so good in this hat.
Jesus Christ, Dan.
Okay.
I know.
Look at me.
I feel like I'm going to solve a Dick Tracy comic.
Okay.
Oh, my God.
Don't I look like I just started being a park ranger and got fired in the same day?
You look like you're in the touring company for the movie Rounders.
Right.
I look like I'm only allowed to handle the drums.
Okay.
Essentially, the stick does... You're doing
that. You're controlling when it goes...
You're controlling when it goes up to each
gear. He knows.
He's a smart guy.
Dodie, where are you at?
We got your Florida band here.
I'm right here.
Okay, brother.
Now, these are always
fun. When I come across a great story in any context,
it's always a gem.
I can't wait to share it with the world.
I have June 10th for you.
Is that correct?
That is my daughter's birthday.
And you're only
10 days older than Birbiglia.
Okay, so this is your birthday.
Your Florida band is one of those stories.
When I saw it, I was like, how did I
miss this? Okay. Headline
is perfect.
Florida man said cocaine
on his nose
wasn't his.
Look at this
honor student.
So
I've done that. You have done that. honor students.
I've done that.
You have done that.
Well, that would be cocaine in your beard. You'd be like,
this is mine.
How much stuff lands in your beard that you're like,
I've never seen that before in my life.
I didn't have Cheetos.
You have to think
about it a lot in life,
except during quarantine, that's really the beauty.
Anything can fall in here, and I don't care.
It's yours.
What I love about your Florida man is if we look at him,
he looks like he's still in the middle of his lie.
How many times do I have to tell you?
I do not do cocaine.
Cocaine does me.
He definitely heard this.
It's like a selfie.
Yeah, he definitely...
This is not my cocaine selfie.
Yeah, it's like the officer's probably like 20 minutes into it.
We're like, yeah, I don't want to hear you talk about sirens anymore.
I can tell you about sirens.
I love the back of your
car yeah have you ever been back here uh no here's a little blurb for you dodie uh fabricio jimenez
was pulled over during a traffic stop early sunday one of the deputies almost immediately
spotted a white powder on his nose and identified it as cocagna. The powder later tested positive for the drug,
but Fabricio tried to tell
deputies the cocaine on his nose
was not his. I'm just holding
it up in my nose for a friend.
Maybe he got
smacked. Yes.
Somebody was doing the bump off their hand
and just, oh, rage.
That's a great story.
Yeah, and he won't stop telling everyone about it.
I mean, he got essentially smacked with a ton of confidence.
That's what you're saying.
It's like when my brother asked me one time,
what do you do when you have a friend who keeps doing cocaine?
And I said, introduce them to anyone else.
That'll take care of them for the night.
He did not own the cocaine.
No.
Is there a feasible way
that we could make his excuse
feasible, Burbiggs?
No, I don't know.
I was just
imagining like, maybe
there was some kind of
a cocaine blower
that came in, like a guy came in like a leaf blower, but it's a game blower.
And he blew it all over his face and he's trying to wipe it off.
Yeah, this isn't even mine. I'm so sorry.
So you're OK, so you're talking about cocaine like it's being shot out of a T-shirt.
Yes, against his will. It's almost like it's like the clerk's excuse.-shirt cannon at a mixed game. It's almost like the
clerk's excuse. I wasn't even supposed
to do cocaine today.
And let me just make
a note of this. Our mom is watching this,
Annette Sklar, and this is
the longest we've ever spoken about cocaine
in front of our moms.
You guys just get right to it.
There's no talking. talking yeah we go straight to
the cocaine talk with our mom we do it we don't talk about it that's it all right everyone should
we get to story number one you guys ready to get into story number one everybody here we go welcome
all of us on this journey through dumb people town sent in by one of the stalwarts i mean a pillar of the
community carlene mcdermott at she be carlene she be carlene which to me should be a companion show
to that so raven i agree or a store that's that's now taking over all the defunct toys are us
she be carly it's like they sell toys
and also like clothes
from Chico's.
I love that place. It's right next to
Shibby Teeples.
You can get a lot of horse brushes
at Shibby Teeples.
They sell horse brushes and dentures.
Okay. Are you ready?
Yes.
This is a fun one.
A man has gotten revenge on his neighbor for constantly leaving dog waste outside of their home.
He decided to leave his own treat at the offender's doorway.
Yeah, this is not a one-for-one.
Everyone has a ring doorbell these days.
Right.
This would be a quote of like,
if you step on somebody's foot repeatedly and then they decide to hit you
with a hammer.
Yeah.
Like you don't get to go like your dog shit in front of my house.
So I'm now going to take a human person.
Yeah.
Your doorway.
That's dog.
Doesn't know better.
Dog does not know better.
Right.
Sean Miller.
Who sounds like he's never had a good time based off of what we know about him probably sean miller's that are crazy
and then there's sean miller's that are like dude take your shoes off
like an in-between a lot of rules sean miller's phone his phone is always on his belt yeah and
he always and what he says is my phone is always
holstered sean miller also i know we do this a lot but it fits car dealership yeah sean miller
sean miller sean miller ford sean miller chevrolet sean miller see it works
okay sean miller first noticed there was an issue when one of his neighbors put up signs
asking the dog owner to
stop leaving the animals excrement in front of people's apartments that would also insinuate
that you think the person who has these dogs is like taking their shit and putting it in front
of you which is not what's happening so the dog isn't pooping there but they're just putting it
they're moving it but they're saying so they put up signs sean mose neighbors said hey please don't
let your dog shit in front of our places anyway. Do you have a dog?
I do not. I also don't follow this story
at all.
That's fine.
Welcome to town.
This dude lives
in apartments.
There's dog shitting in front of people's
houses. Some neighbors put up signs and
he thought that wasn't enough so he took it to another level that's right yes but the situation
continued to be messy that's when somebody who writes an article wants to be funny yep uh why
not if you want to be funny just become a southwest flight attendant yeah sean biller
seriously how did 9-11 not kill Southwest comedy?
It really should have killed comedy
on Southwest.
Like, if you go on a
Southwest Airlines flight, anybody, and I'm not
assuming that will happen for another two years,
and someone starts telling a joke
over the microphone, you're allowed to yell
too soon.
Too soon.
Reference to 9-11.
Too close to when Otis Redding's plane went down. Too soon. Too soon. Reference to 9-11. Too close to when Otis Redding's plane went down.
That's right.
Too soon.
Too soon.
Okay.
Sean Miller decided to go rogue, which is giving him too much credit.
Like, that is not... You shit on people.
Literally.
Which means that Sean Miller went to a meeting in the apartment complex.
And he's like, excuse me, I have a way
to fix this. And everyone's like, we're not going to do that.
I want to shit on their porch.
You're here on a sublease. You're not even part
of the HOA.
Just let me shit on his porch.
No, Sean.
Alright, well, I have
a different solution.
What is your different solution?
It's that I shit on his porch.
No, Sean.
Sean Miller decided to go rogue.
Waiting?
Like at the end of the meeting.
Yeah.
At the end of the meeting.
He's like, great.
Point of order?
Point of order.
I just want to make sure that we're all set.
We're all on the same page here.
And Sean, please do not.
No, I hear you.
I hear what you're saying.
I don't think you're listening to him. You guys have been heard, but then I wouldn't be going rogue if I hear you. I hear what you're saying. I don't think you're listening to him.
You guys have been heard, but then I wouldn't be going rogue if I listened.
So I get what you're, I'm picking up what you're putting down.
And Sean's like, great meeting everyone.
I'm just going to shit on their porch.
No.
Sean waited for the culprit to strike,
then followed him and his two dogs back to their home.
So Sean follows the man and his dogs.
Meanwhile, you're like, buddy,
don't, right?
Miller, lady returned to the guilty
party's home in Hackney, East London,
at 2 a.m., taking a
Sainsbury's carrier bag with him
that contained his own waste.
So, I guess
that's a little bit better than
actually doing it.
Yeah, because I don't know
if I could poop on command.
You're not living, dude.
You need more coke.
Mike Doty, what were you going to say?
If you get outdoors,
it's not easy.
It takes a fair amount of mental
wherewithal
to accomplish it.
You really have to,
you know...
I haven't tried often,
but I have tried.
Yes.
Well, you wouldn't be a rock and roll guy if you haven't tried.
I mean, for sure.
Camping is another thing.
Yeah, it's hard to do.
It gives me more more i actually have more
respect for dogs that they can do but i but now i don't respect this guy because he already he had
like a pre-packaged poop like he didn't he in fairness i believe his nickname is porto shawnee
yes at least that's what his tattoo says yes Yes. Sean Miller shared his own story on Facebook because that's where you go to put anything negative in your life.
That's right.
That's where you go to figuratively take a shit that everyone can see.
Claiming that there had been no doggy dumpings since he left his in July when he took matters into his own hands.
Again, that's him being like, so if anybody wants to start giving me credit everybody's like sean delete your post he asked sean said obviously my other neighbor's warning signs
didn't deter the person from letting their dogs relieve themselves outside other people's homes
i hope one person that he went to college with is like sean you understand you're publicly writing
that you're shitting in front of other people's places that's what he's doing you're creating a
paper trail he, so one night
I saw the man. You think he'll ever wonder
why he didn't get away with it? Yeah.
So one night I saw the man,
followed him to find the block
he lived in, and I marked it down.
You're not a detective.
You're also
not the Golden State Pooper.
You don't need to do reconnaissance.
Oh, it gets better. He says, I checked that there was no CCTV like you don't need to do oh it gets better he says i checked
that there was no cctv because you wouldn't want to be caught doing something like that
i knew it would look pretty normal wearing a mask like a ninja no right no now you already
know everything about him i pretty much think if you and put it in a bag and put it on someone's doorstep, you've broken the ninja code.
Yes.
Yeah.
Also, if you tell someone what you did, you've broken the ninja code.
Yeah, ninjas are pretty hush-hush about what they've done.
I would say that.
Go ahead.
Go ahead, Mike.
Go ahead.
I wanted to say that, like, look, it probably intervened effectively on the dog owner's behavior yes yes
and so you know whatever you think of the method it worked i bet you it worked you got the job
you would say so i would i will also say this you don't see a lot of ninjas on facebook
no did you ever see the greatest onion headline of all time go ahead i don't know if
he's available for an interview but i would ask him uh which character he related to in the film
neighbors yes also i guarantee you he's available for an interview this guy wants to talk to anyone
about his accomplishments.
I would also ask him
which Sex and the City girl was he?
Is he a Carrie?
No, he's obviously a Samantha.
He's a Samantha.
He doesn't mind getting dirty,
but he'll regret it later when he does other roles.
He says he checks CCTV,
he wore a mask which made him feel like a ninja,
then one night after having a nice meal, I let one out,
which is also the most discreet and disgusting way to do it.
It's also what you say when you're saying it's time to let the dogs out.
Yeah.
Well, he did.
It wasn't as impressive as one of my usual ones.
No one cares, Sean Miller.
And you need to understand what the word impressive means.
I don't think we all think anything you're doing is right.
An Igor Stravinsky concert is impressive.
What you did in that bag is not impressive.
Right.
The Legos Death Star is impressive.
He's like, if you think that's good, you should come down to the dealership.
No, we're not.
We're not.
We got some great APRs.
Sean, this is a horrible commercial for you.
Sean Miller strikes me as the only
car dealership that just sells stick
shifts. Yeah.
He doesn't know how to drive.
I don't know how to drive. Get these off here. I can't.
He says one night he let
one out. It wasn't impressive, but I left
it there outside their door along with
a roll of poo bags
so they had no excuse in the future so he's dropping a little he's giving a little by the
way there is no way that anyone would understand the message he sent yes well yeah don't be so
sure we'll get into that he said uh i felt like a bit of a hero afterwards it's a bit like i'm dirty batman stop escalating
also this is not at all how batman operates yeah batman
if batman were to do that he would have to take off the utility belt right it's just a lot of
logistical what if what if sean miller's facebook post like all of a sudden took a hard left turn and he's like, because I watched my parents die
and ever since...
You're like, whoa!
I am
my own butler.
He said, I'm clearing the streets of dog
shit one shit at a time.
Again, not close to what Batman does.
Also, you're leaving shit. You're not clearing
anything. You're adding to the problem
yeah it's been one of them things that's been on my mind for a while i'm sure like a lot of things
and so at least i got it out of my mind so now it's more about him it's about me getting out
of my mind it's really not about anything but what does his wife or girlfriend have to say
oh yeah he's probably right she took the swords he says and it got out of my body as
well so he's got jokes if there's a positive out of it that's a bonus miller laid his poop on the
floor with a message attached to a cocktail stick that was a stark warning to the dog owner we are
now going to see what that message looked like. There's some appropriate
blurring, but if you do need
to look away, this is
a great time. But it's blurred
out. It's blurred out.
It's like
the cutest little piece of shit I've ever seen.
To the
tramp with the two dogs.
You've been leaving your dog outside people's homes
no apostrophe on people's fine that's fine i'm an englishman i'm sorry people's homes
i thought i'd again no apostrophe for the i there's like there's certain punctuation
i feel like he maybe shit out all of his ability to punctuate. Leave a
present bag. Please use the
enclosed poo bags to avoid any further
presents coming back to you.
But he did it in don't.
You're about to get my favorite part.
Don't blame the wrong person for this.
Which means he knows who this person's gonna
think it is.
Why do you have to call her a
tramp like that that just seems
unnecessary it seems like he's
getting the message through quite strongly
without the without the
insult yeah he didn't need such strong
words Mike what'd you say Burbiggs what'd you say
I was just gonna say like you know there's a lot of
things you could call Sean but one thing I would
think of him as is a low information
voter
very much very much Sean, but one thing I would think of him as is a low information voter.
Very much. Very much. He's a one issue guy. He's a one issue guy.
He's a number two issue guy. He's a number two issue guy. Here's the great thing. Sean said that soiling the offender's shared entrance meant that there could have been a few innocent people
affected by the stunt,
which means he didn't even leave this in front of their door.
He left it in the entrance to the
apartment building. So cut to all these
other people being like, the hell is this about?
We call that collateral damage.
Collateral damage.
However,
he hopes they'd notice who owned
the dogs and pass the sentiments
on to them.
So now Sean is hoping that they,
someone else says to like,
I don't know.
Let's call him Greg.
Greg,
did you see the sign for your dogs out front?
Like he wants them to help.
No,
no.
It's cleaned up.
That's like when Randy and I,
we used to have this discussion about the old Phil Collins song,
uh,
in the air tonight.
I'm sure you guys know it.
But apparently the urban myth
surrounding that song
was that he saw somebody
watch somebody else drown.
And we're like,
wait a minute, Phil,
that means you watched someone drown.
You're culpable here.
Saw someone watch someone drown and then he invited that person to his
concert and then a spotlight came down on that person and then he sang in the air tonight but
as we all know you go to a concert like what if you know that at that moment that the spotlight
comes down the guy's out getting nachos or somewhere. And Phil
had to say to the band, like, hey,
we got to have a loose set list tonight, guys.
Trust me.
If I go into this, we got to make sure
he's going to be there. He looks like he's going to leave.
He literally said, I need this to happen
against all odds.
Alright, guys,
we have to do it. We're in too deep.
But that's what this is. Oh, go. What were you saying?
This is a little bit of a digression,
but I did an outdoor show last week and there were port-o-potties.
And, and, and, you know, the, it's a, it's a pain to wear the mask.
And, but we have, we all have to do it. But then I wore a portal.
I wore a mask in a porto potty.
It was the first time that I understood the genius of the porto potty.
Because if you can't smell the potty, you're going, this is a pretty good portable potty machine.
And then I started thinking, I was like, oh, I think the problem is that we all, there's just too much potty.
It's just a volume thing.
It's a mountain of potty that almost reaches your butt.
Enter in Dirty Batman to help clean it up.
That's right. Dirty Batman needs to fix this situation for you.
You're so right. They should give masks. They should
have them hanging on the door before you go in.
Why am I doing a Heil
Hitler?
The mask says, I love to
potty. I love to potty.
Oh, yeah.
Potty with us. Here's
where we get to really learn about Sean
Miller. He says,
they do it in front of my place, too.
He's now talking about the dogs and the owner.
They do it in front of my place, too.
But it's on a bushy bit that nobody really goes on.
So it doesn't really affect me or my immediate neighbors.
So he was just looking for a reason to put his shit in front of somebody else's door.
This isn't even his problem.
Say the word.
You say the word, and I'll poop all over this town.
He's probably just trying to constantly fix other people's
problems. I think I'm going to break up with David.
Well, if you want me to, I'll poop
all over there and I'll leech
in front of his door. No, Sean.
He sees his poop
as like his superpower.
That's right. He's like,
I don't want to unleash this, but if you need me to.
Let's be honest.
It is his pooper power.
All right.
Oh, God.
That's our brother.
We'll get out of here on this.
Story number one.
How old do you believe Sean Miller is?
Donnie and Birbiglia, you are our guests.
So you guys get to go first.
How old would you guess Sean Miller,
a man who picks up other people's problems
and leaves his shit in its place?
How old
do you think he is?
Birbiglia or Dodie?
My theory
based on your
leading question, Dan,
is that he's younger than I would expect.
Because you'd think he's sort of an angry old get off my lawn man.
Sure, sure.
But I think that what you're getting at is maybe he's more in the realm of like a 34.
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
So you're saying he's less of a get off my lawn and more of a get more of me on your lawn.
Yes.
Jody, what do you think?
I would say 38.
I would think that's the age at which he has really internalized the fact that he's never going to get into show business.
So this is his thing.
And no one's going to read his dirty
Batman script.
It's like what they're doing with Pattinson,
but it's even darker.
How long is it?
It's 200 pages.
I don't need to read it.
It reads fast.
It reads fast.
The dialogue's real snappy.
I don't know if there's a lot of dialogue
in Batman. Stage directions.
All right.
You go first, Jim.
I'm going to go older because I do think he is older.
I think he's 53,
which, by the way, like a long time
ago, 53 sounded so
old. That is
four years older than me and Randy. Okay.
I'm going to even go older.
I'm going to say 62.
This guy has
had it up to here with having
it up to here. Okay.
All right.
Okay, so let's run through.
Upper Big says 34.
Doty says 38.
I say 54.
53.
And I say 62.
62.
Okay.
None of you are exactly right.
Okay.
And not only that, as we've seen a little bubble in the chat on the Zoom, I love that you guys are playing along.
Not one of you, as far as I've seen, has guessed it exactly right either.
Now, I'm not saying every single it exactly right. Someone just wrote 15.
You guys are still putting in numbers.
No one has guessed it.
87. 87.
He should be proud of that.
Someone wrote 4.
Someone wrote 4 years ago.
118. I one wrote four years. 118 years came out.
I'll tell you this.
I have seen the correct number on the screen
three times.
It's probably out there more.
But I will reveal his photo
and tell you at the same time.
Sean Miller.
Sean Miller.
Dirty Batman.
Dirty Batman.
A.K.A. Dirty B. The Dirty B. Dirty Batman, a.k.a.
Dirty B.
The Dirty B, whose parents are probably like,
I wish we had died when he was young.
All right, ready?
He went on Facebook and told everybody.
Here's the thing about Dirty Batman.
No one wants to be his Robin.
I hope his dad saw the post first and did the classic like, you want to know what your son did?
Real problem.
Mr. Studio apartment.
Real problem.
I just sent you a link, Diane.
Okay, here we go.
Dirty Batman is
24 years old.
He looks like he never
waits for her to come.
Ever.
If he were to get married,
he'd get married in polar tech.
Those glasses work perfectly,
but he also found them.
Those glasses work perfectly, but he also found them.
He looks like he works for a CD-ROM company today.
Sometimes you can look directly in front of someone and tell how long their ponytail is. Yes, yes.
Strangely, the scaffolding is behind him in all of his photos.
Folding is behind him in all of his photos.
He looks like he never knows why he's being let go.
That's right.
He tells people that he puts
the artist in martial artist.
There you go.
All right. That's our first story down in the
books. I love it, you guys.
We're going to take a quick break.
But as we go to break right now, let's throw it back to our good man, Mike Doty.
Take it away, brother.
And everybody, as he's playing music, let's just make sure we don't make a lot of noise
so we can hear the beautiful sounds.
If you can do that quickly, it'll help.
Yep.
Mike, take it away, brother.
All right.
I haven't played this in like five years, just so you know. I love it. Older looks, smarts, and that gaze for the right intention. Sunk in that girl, don't let me go.
You're the world and you barely know so.
You're the drinks I drink and keep drinking and fall down the stone.
All the drinks I drink and keep drinking and lay down and tremble down.
Drinking and lay down, trembled out.
These tears are bound to fall.
Sunken eyed girl on the low street.
Bulletproof glass in the KFC suit. Keep the man safe in his paper hat.
Keep the wrong hands off the biscuit porch.
Sunken eyed girl, don't let me know. Keep the wrong hands off the biscuit portion. Chunk and I'd burn.
Don't let me know.
You're the world and you barely know so.
I'm a.
No prize for you.
No trophy to.
Keep walking through.
Can I guess how many socks I have on?
Nine.
Four pairs.
Nine worth of time.
I'll drag you
down.
Don't waste your time.
Alright.
I forgot the bridge.
So this is the riff from 38 Specials, Hold On Loosely.
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah.
All right.
Keep sucking our girl onto Lancy Street Bulletproof glass and the KFC
To keep the man safe in his paper hat
Keep the wrong hands off the biscuit fortune
Sucking our girl, don't let me go
You're the one where there's barely no soul.
I know
no prize for you.
No trophy
to
keep walking through.
And I'm
not worth
the time.
I'll drag you down.
Don't waste your time.
So can that girl in the sandwich shop.
Ladled my soup from the kettle pot.
So swooning myself with the smolder looks.
Bars and that gay is for the ragging section.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It was like one major fuck-up, and that was it.
No.
You got a special version.
For all the people like us who have that song on repeat a lot of times,
we got a brand-new version.
You have a new EP.
I want everyone who's listening on the Zoom to go check it out and pick it up tell them what it is
and tell them how to get it it's called ghost of vroom um it's a band with me and scrap livingston
uh the the ep is called ghost of room two because we have made ghost of room one but not put it out yet awesome and it's on
it's on spotify and your apple music and your pandora and and all the places where you do the
things with the things uh this is a guy you want to support i just can't tell you like how much
your music for us like i remember listening to you know lazy bones that of course you know like getting the silk coughing album
when we were living in new york in the mid 90s and just how much that was the soundtrack for there
and they're just songs off the album that sunk a night girl is on that album that i would just put
on and walk through the the streets of manhattan like i own the place with your soundtrack playing
through it it's just it's such a treat for
us to have you on the show i hope you realize that mike oh i mean i i'm i'm uh i feel privileged to
be with you guys thanks thanks for having me and thanks for telling me about the cocaine guy because
that's that's a choice yeah that is
stick around is. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People
Town.
As we get to the top
of this next segment, as we're here already,
I want to talk about Mike Birbiglia.
You got a new book out. It's new-ish.
Just came out last month. Birbigs,
tell folks about it and how they can grab it
and what it is. It's called The New One,
Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad,
with poems by J. Hope Stein, my wife.
And so it's a mix of comedy and poetry about how I never wanted to have a child
and then how my wife and I had a child and how I was right in all the ways I was right.
And then wrong.
And it's emotional.
And the poetry is really beautiful.
And the cover is gorgeous.
It's Wendy McNaughton and Crystal Saka designed it.
And so I would say just support your local bookstore and get it.
Curbside.
Chances are your local bookstore, if you request it, will get it.
And they'll give it to you curbside and it'll
be safe. And yeah,
I really appreciate it. And I actually
I'm enjoying Mike Doty so
much tonight. I just got word in my ear that
he's been nominated for a Teeple's Choice
Award. Oh, get out of here. That's unbelievable.
Yeah.
Holy cow. Yeah. I mean,
she's probably going to select something from
Boz Skaggs, but still, that's great for
Dodie.
Neato.
Oh!
Go ahead. Whatever you say, Mike.
Dodie? Who could
falter
for choosing Boss Skaggs?
Okay.
It's an honor to be nominated.
There you go.
It's an honor for people.
Seriously, the new one, go pick it up.
This is the time.
And one quick plug, too, is my podcast, Working It Out,
where I'm working out new jokes with new comics every week.
This week, Maria Bamford, amazing episode.
I love it.
And, you know, this is kind of born out of the thing you were doing on Instagram Live,
which was so much fun that we got a chance to do with you, which was it's my favorite thing in the world when comedians riff together and you've got a new kernel of a bit of something that you want to do.
And then if you have someone that you really trust across the table to then throw, hey, have you ever thought of going it this way?
Or I thought you were going to go this way with this.
And then it opens a whole new world up. That's what comedians do in green rooms everywhere i love this idea of course
jay and i love this idea working it out we're the tagmasters 2000 working it out and i look forward
to an invite come on it's going to be great i want to do it so working it out you can find that
that's per big thing and then uh catch you on all the shows you're doing on nowhere comedy club so
just look up yes event event pride.com so yeah check that out too uh all right should we jump in another
story i'll do another one let's do another one here we go just listening by jake groney at jake
groney jake sends in so many great stories thank you for being such a great contributing person
of the town i want to remind while i have so many of you a couple things if you turned your mic off
just to make sure we got to hear the music as best as possible feel free to turn it back on right now i want to hear
your laughter and have you be part of this town hall meeting here we go also at daniel van kirk
hashtag dump people town if you want to send in a story as well here we go ready for this uh
headline let's hear it man married his mother-in-law after breaking up with his wife i don't
see anything wrong with this what i don't see anything wrong with this.
What?
I don't see anything wrong with this.
That's the hat talking.
That's the hat talking.
It's so hard for me because I like Woody's movies so much.
He's going the other way.
He's marrying that mother-in-law.
He's going up. So at's marrying that mother-in-law he's going up so at least he
married her mother and not his own mother because his wife already hated his mother
so now it just becomes like a reverse edible thing a man who married his mother-in-law says
he has no regrets despite the unusual start to their relationship if you marry your mother
understatement if you marry your mother-in-law,
if you marry your mother-in-law,
you are not someone who has a lot of regrets.
You just go, you Christopher Cross it through life.
You ride like the wind and whatever happens.
Or you sail.
Or a lot of times you're caught between the moon and New York City.
That's crazy.
I was a huge fan of that TV series, How I Met Your
Mother-in-Law.
Sorry, Mike.
It was an eight-minute short.
It was tight. I remember that.
Josh Radner, I can watch him do it.
I think it was How I Met My
Mother.
I remember that.
Josh Radner, I can watch him do anything. I think it was How I Met My Mother.
How I Met My Mother.
Dan, where are they registered?
Oh, where are they?
Cheeky Hoes.
Look at these two.
Look at these two.
To be no son of life.
Why does he look older than her?
I know.
And she does.
You know how when a really old person wears a kid's T-shirt?
It's like seeing a really old guy in cargo shorts.
I know.
Maybe he's Benjamin Buttoning.
Maybe he's only five years old.
He's reversed Benjamin Buttoning. Maybe he's only five years old. He's reversed Benjamin Buttoning.
This proves two things. One, some people can go their whole life and never learn how to smile.
And two, if you're watching this show, if you're with us, you're listening to it, wherever you're taking it in, and you're in your 20s, this is what smoking does.
They are 40.
in your 20s, this is what smoking does.
They are 40...
Dan, I'm going to say this, and my mom
is watching this, but I'm looking at
this woman, and she is
filthy.
She is a dirty brat.
They don't kiss during sex.
They get to it.
I have a theory, which is
maybe he helped her move in that couch, and he was like, fuck it, I have a theory, which is maybe he helped her
move in that couch and he was like,
fuck it, I'm staying.
And by it,
I mean you.
Okay, here we go.
I was just thinking that
when you're
with somebody and you sort of have that
anniversary or special occasion
and it's like, Oh,
do you remember the movie where we went to dinner and that thing you said and that thing you wore and theirs will end with,
and we never would have met if I didn't marry your daughter.
In a way she introduced them.
Remember that one Christmas,
the one when you were married to my daughter or with me,
the one where it was our whole family or the ones where it was just us for introduced them. Remember that one Christmas? The one when you were married to my daughter or with me?
The one where it was our whole family or the ones where it was just us for every year
after that?
I just
love that if they do get married, it makes
his ex-wife his daughter. I know.
We'll get
into it. Here we go. Ready? Now look,
I know we've had fun with people
and we've had fun with T-Pole. And we've
had fun with many names
that have come into Dumb People Town.
She's a T-Pole person.
People are T-Poles,
so why should it be?
How many times have you been on top of a bar with a
bottle in her hand that they're asking
her to put down, yelling,
We the T-Pole will not take this.
Okay.
You ready for this thing? Yeah.
Clive Blunden. Yes.
When you make a really big
mistake, you make a Blunden.
Clive Blunden is a sex thing.
I gave her a
Clive Blunden. That's a British
sex thing.
Clive Blunden. I mean. Clive Blunden.
Clive Blunden only
lies.
Clive Blunden is the type of guy who's like,
I've never had Coke in my life.
I've never had Coca-Cola
ever. Clive Blunden knows which
street meters are broken.
Clive Blunden can only eat applesauce.
Clive Blunden wore boots to his wedding.
Both of them.
Clive Blunden.
It's too close to Fred Garvin
while also being way far from him.
Clive Blunden.
Clive Blunden, male prost him. Clive Blunden. Clive Blunden, male prostitute.
Clive Blunden.
Who is always here to fix something.
Yep.
Clive Blunden's here, you guys.
Guys, Clive Blunden's here.
Hey, hon.
So he's going to fix the washer and the dryer.
Hey, Birbiglia, who did you invite over to our party tonight?
Clive Blunden.
No.
He's going to talk about his divorce.
I just want to let you know, babe, Clive is going to
stop by. He's just stopping by.
He never just stops by.
Clive Blunden, he's like a vampire.
He can only get into the garage.
After that, you have to invite him.
I'm in the house.
Clive Blunden is a great...
It reminds me of our friend Brian Lewis.
He had a handyman named Fred Porps.
Best friend of our handyman.
Fred Porps is the Clyde London of his town.
And he's from Chicago.
And his mom, Terry Lewis, had the most Chicago accent ever.
She'd be like, Brian, Fred Porps is coming here.
He's going to be here.
Fred Porps.
Fred Porps is here.
Have you seen his hair?
All right, here we go.
Clyde London was actually arrested
when he first tried to marry brenda in 1997 who was before that his mother-in-law yep okay and
despite brenda admitting she wasn't so keen when she first met him more than two decades earlier
yeah the unusual couple say they have no regrets,
reports the Mirror Online.
You do you.
I'm going to tell you this now, guys.
Everyone in the town who's listening to this.
By the end of this story...
We're going to love them.
We're going to love them.
Yes, it's weird.
It's like at the end of Midsommar
when you were like, yeah, burn it down.
I get it.
People thought we wouldn't last, but we're stronger than ever, says Clive.
It's like the end of the movie Over the Top where you're like, arm wrestling for custody of his kid?
Sure.
I buy it.
I buy it.
He says, we're together 24-7 and there's magic to it.
Is there magic to being with your spouse
24-7? A lot of people are finding out
right now.
Is there magic to being with your spouse
24-7?
I'm not going to speak to this
because I
just feel like
everybody's different.
Yeah.
Sure.
I don't know.
That's why you're in a kitchen in someone else's different. Yeah. Sure. I don't know. That's why,
that's why you're in a kitchen in someone else's house
right now.
I will say that.
I will,
I will say this.
My experience of the pandemic
is that nothing is
as it seems like
you'll talk to your friends
and they'll be like,
I'm having a great pandemic
getting a lot done.
And the next week
they're like,
we're getting divorced. The next week they're like we're getting divorced
the next week they're like we ate my grandmother
you guys at the end of this you're gonna kind of be like you know what let him do it
here we go who am i to fight it brenda added clive is a gentleman and he looks after me
i can get a bit argumentative but he he quiets me down, which feels a little oppressive.
That's some NXIVM stuff right there.
All he has to do is raise his hand.
No, no, no.
Brenda wasn't such a fan of Clive when he got together with her daughter, Irene, who is pissed.
In fact, he disliked him
the moment she saw him. So they
started out on the worst few problems.
Romantic comedy. This is a romantic comedy.
Clive and Irene married in 1977
and had daughters Sarah and
Tanya before divorcing in
1985. Somebody is being
toned out to their local fire department
right now.
In fact,
four years later, in
1989, Clive and Brenda
began dating in secret,
which is all great things.
Sound like a romantic comedy.
I gotta drop something off at your mom's house
tonight.
They're so old,
I would call this 5,000 days of
summer. Look at these two in the 80s.
Look at these two.
Look at these two. the 80s. Look at these two. Look at these two.
Is that the mom?
Yes. No, that's the woman from the thing.
That's Brenda. They look close in age. All right, here we go.
I feel like they're wearing each other's
tank tops.
I hope so.
That's love.
We followed up, Brenda. That's love. We fall off, Brenda.
He took revenge.
And we ended up kissing.
Oh, someone's being loud.
We're good.
In 1997, they decided to marry.
But a few days after they put their bands up at the register office in their hometown of Warrington, Cheshire, Clive was arrested.
Clive was arrested.
He was told there was lawful impediment to marrying his mother-in-law
and warned he could be jailed
for how long?
How long do you guys think
Clive was looking at going to jail for?
For marrying
his mother-in-law. What do you think?
I would say that's
a misdemeanor of maybe two years
in jail.
Two years in jail.
Dodie, what do you think?
Well, they do a thing here in Tennessee, which is a lot.
Which thing?
Just shy of 10 months, which is like nine months and 29 days.
Yeah.
And if you say that, it just means like they gave you the maximum misdemeanor.
Okay.
Jail time.
And it's just kind of hilarious.
Like how vindictive of a judge to underline it like that.
I think I'm going to nine months and 29 days.
That's so good.
Jay,
what do you think?
I mean,
marriage itself is kind of a prison.
Am I right?
Folks,
I'm going to say one year, one year, one year one year i'm gonna say three years okay three years
i have not seen the answer in the chat for the little bubble that we have here but i will tell
all of you that he could have been jailed for up to seven years if they went ahead of it
to marry years ago it's like breaking a mirror because
they tried to marry years ago because brenda's first husband richard passed away and irene
remarried so why no one should care it's like she's moved on guys you gotta remember this is
like 97 they started dating secret like eight years prior like they really
like each other by this point they wrongly assumed they'd be free to wed instead they had to settle
for brenda changing her surname to clive's because everybody wants to be a blunden that's right yeah
but this wasn't good enough for the smitten groom-to-be who began campaigning
for the 500 year old law to be altered i thought we should
be married because we had been through everything together some of it you started but also yes yes
exactly we we were being stopped unfairly i didn't think it was right so i wanted to change it it was
10 years before a european court ruled a ban on in-laws marrying was a violation of human rights
cut to clive remembering when he heard the
news on TV in September 2005.
I went straight down on one knee and
proposed to Brenda. I had tears in my
eyes. Come on.
I love him.
I know.
Don't worry.
What's the story of a European court
convening to decide this?
I know.
This is our Aaron Brockovich.
I mean, when he went down on one knee, he did contaminate the groundwater.
So it is very much like Aaron Brockovich.
Which I thought for a long time was Aaron Bronkelstein.
I got that wrong.
On March 17, 2007, they finally became husband and wife at Wilmington Register Office,
the same place where Clive had married Brenda's daughter, Irene, 30 years earlier.
Oh, you got to change it up a little bit.
Era the dog.
I mean, he had a high percentage match match with Irene and then it was a 100%
match with Brenda.
He was on the dartboard
and he just got closer to the bullseye.
The majority of the people, including Irene,
did not wish to attend.
Only one distant relative sent them
a congratulations card.
You know how if you have a destination wedding, it weeds
out all the people you don't want to come?
Sure. This is his way of weeding out all the people you don't want to come.
Yeah, marry your mother-in-law.
You'll find out who cares.
We'll have a small wedding.
We'll have a nice small wedding.
We're going to cut to a picture of Irene, and you're going to know exactly how she feels about this situation.
Okay, let's hear it.
Here we go.
Boom.
Oh.
Irene looks like we all divorced her. Boom. Irene looks like we all
divorced her.
Irene is
like who I'm going to. She's like
the slip and fall.
It looks like you just asked
her, are you going to your mom
and now stepdad ex-husband's
wedding?
Also, love the piercing.
I'll say, Irene, you don't have to smile for every
photo it's okay it's a nice it's a straightforward one some people never learn clive's ex-wife irene
little did not attend the wedding and previously said she felt that she was still angry at her
mother clive who serenaded brenda with a rendition of what song do you guys think oh my god now i
know there's no way you're going to get
this exact, but if you do, I will
lose it. Her bigs, what do you think?
What would you serenade your mother-in-law with
to show how much you love her?
Girl,
You'll Be a Woman Soon?
Winner of nine People's choice awards right i was just thinking that the um the the a sad ending to the story would be like if you
as a gift if you gave them the book Codependent No More.
And they just read it and died.
That was it.
That gave him permission to go.
Tony, what do you think?
I think it was something
embarrassingly
and awkwardly tied to
her generational mindset.
You know, like in a way that's like, oh, why'd you do that?
So, you know, she would think that I'm going to go a groovy kind of love.
Ooh.
Wow.
I know this is wrong, but I want to say I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Now, go back to the picture.
I just love that in that song sir mix a lot just tells you he
he wants to be able to lie he wishes he could lie to you he would make nothing more than to
be able to tell you an untruth and he's like i can't do it i would like to tell you honesty
is such a strong feeling inside of me wanted to be able to walk into the studio that day and say,
you know what?
I like a skinny butt.
He might have even said that at first.
Then he was like, guys, I'm sorry.
I'm not being truthful with myself.
Let's go back to the very beginning.
The first line, I have to be honest.
I like big butts. That's what you think one. And I just want to tell you. It's the first line, I have to be honest. I'm like, big butts.
I can't lie.
All right, so that's what you think it was?
That is what I think. Randy.
You say, don't stand so close to me.
But who wants her closer?
He does want her closer.
God, I don't even know.
You can't say in the air tonight.
I'm not going to say.
You watched another guy drown.
I'm sorry, Phil.
I think I have to go back to another Phil Collins song.
And I know that like this marriage was 100%.
People said it couldn't happen.
All the things, everything was stacked against it.
So I'm going to have to go with the Phil Collins song, Susudio.
Oh, Jesus.
So bad, man. I literally thought one of you was going to guess Come Oh, Jesus. So bad, man.
I literally thought one of you was
going to guess Come On, Irene.
Irene!
Daughter.
I obviously would go with
Clarence Carter's Stroken. That is the
greatest wedding. I also
would go with, and of course you know I love
this song, and anybody who's ever been at
karaoke with me knows that this is my go-to song.
Gregory Abbott, Shake You Down.
Of course, yes.
Come on, girl.
Let's start the show.
Well,
cut to
what's her name? Teetle?
Teetle.
She's singing low down.
Alright, here we go.
Clive marinated Brenda with his own personal rendition of,
he's not even going, Groban, West's Life, You Raise Me Up.
What?
Groban, West's Life, which is like this boy band-ish,
I mean, they're great singers.
I've watched the video.
West's Life sounds like the song you raised me on.
Westlife sounds like the church from The Vow.
Westlife sounds like the magazine you read
in the plane.
Well, Westlife sounds...
Westlife sounds like a pyramid scheme.
There's a great article
about gyms in Phoenix
in Westlife.
Westlife.
Westlife.
Oh, my God.
You raised me up.
We crushed it.
It had been a struggle to get to that point,
but it was a wonderful day,
and we will always remember.
You guys have been together at that point for 20, 30 years?
That's right.
You're always going to remember that day brenda says you will always remember the day when you get down on one knee and ask
your former mother-in-law to marry you they headed off to spain for a month-long honeymoon love it
awesome but after hitting the headlines they were instantly recognized we went uh we went to get
away from it all we walked into the apartments and God helped me. They all knew who we were.
The barman said, ooh, we've got celebs.
But everyone was really nice about it.
We had a fantastic honeymoon.
There you go.
I love this.
And thankfully, married life is everything that they hope for.
Clive said, marriage to Brenda definitely changed me.
I felt different straight away.
I was more relaxed.
Until we got married, I felt like something was missing.
We've been through a lot and we came through it on the other end and that's an achievement.
What made it perfect is we can be on our own all day and still get along. We would do it again. I
hope so. What's crazy is that Mike Pence calls his wife mother. This guy can do it.
His favorite thing about her is that he can be away from her all day.
Whatever works, dude.
Whatever works.
We don't go out of our way to tell strangers how we met and they don't believe us.
If we do, a lot of people thought it wouldn't last.
I will tell you this.
If you want to prove anybody wrong in your life, just be happy.
By the way, whatever it is is if you like over time you're
gonna be like okay i guess we were wrong they really do they love each other now i'm thinking
that mike dodie is right he should have sang groovy kind of love yes yes yeah okay we're gonna
go back we're gonna go back to them one more time before we get out of this the question I have for you, how many years apart do you think Clive and Brenda are?
How many years apart?
If you told me that Clive 10 years ago used to be a woman, I would believe you.
No, no, no.
He could do anything.
He has no regrets.
I look at her and I think of Greg Fitzsimmons' bit about his grandma where her hair is like an old dandelion and he just wants
to blow it and just watch it
all disappear into the wind.
I can tell you this by looking at these two.
They love popcorn.
They love it.
They love to get the barrel
that's... I'll tell you about this.
It's caramel corn
and cheese.
And then you know what these guys do?
They take the dividers out.
They don't care anymore.
They basically take the dividers out of life.
That's true too.
Dodie over bags.
I'm going to say 10 years
based on
otherwise,
I just don't know
quite how it happens
unless it's about a 10-year differential.
10-year differential. Okay, and who do you think
is older? You think she's older by 10?
I think she's older by 10
is what my theory is.
10. Dodie.
I want to take the freaky counterintuitive uh route and say
he is one year older than her
go for it uh the price is right one dollar move right yeah it's so good so smart jay what do you
think uh i'm gonna say say I'm going to say
she's five years older than him.
Okay. And before I give my age, I got to give
a quick shout out to, there's a
guy, I think he's watching, his mom is a teacher
and I want to shout out to all the teachers out there.
There are teachers out here who are doing their thing
right now. Thank you so much.
Shout out to
Nathan Spicer's
mom. She's a teacher. Way to do your job. So I'm you to think. Shout out to Nathan Spicer's mom. She's a teacher.
Way to do your job.
We're about to wrap this up.
I'm going to give mine. I think
they are 15 years apart.
She's 15 years older than him.
She's
77 and he's 62.
Let's run it back. I say 15
years. Dodie says he's a year
older. Big says she's 10 years older. Big says she's 10 years older.
And I say she's five years older.
Okay.
I did see some correct answers.
And before I give it, do we want to make our quick announcement?
This is okay.
We're getting to the end of the show.
So we're going to announce right now to all of you who our guests are going to be for the November 7th show that we're doing here at Nowhere Comedy Club of Live Down People's Town.
Are you guys ready?
And the ticket link is live.
The ticket link is live. Right now, is live right now. If you buy tickets
between now and 8 a.m., you will be
entered. We had five people. We choose
you randomly. You get automatic
entrance into the
VIP hang after the show.
You get that. So if you buy between now and 8 a.m.,
a little bit more incentive for you. And obviously
as so many found out today, it does sell out.
So I guarantee you're going to get to be there. Here are the
guests.
Jon Hamm is our guest.
And the band Tennis.
Yes, people.
This guy is a little Hamm and Tennis.
On November 7th.
Ticket link is live.
Okay.
Give it to us, Dan.
Okay.
Brenda and Clive Blunden.
Yep.
I don't even remember.
Blunda.
I don't even remember. Are you about to say they're the same?
What if I'm about to say that?
What are you going to say?
We will get out of here on this.
They are
12 years apart.
Wow!
I saw some out there. Way to go, Purves.
Purves was close with the win.
Everyone pick up Mike Purbiglia's book.
The new one.
I don't have a copy of it but i have
david sedaris's let's explore diabetes without
which is very hilarious
get them both get them both get them one and uh and uh and also check out your podcast as well. And Mike Doty's EP, check that out too.
Doty's going to send us away with a song as we say thank you so much to you guys.
We love you so much.
Doty, take it away.
I hope that's going to work.
I just sort of, this is like a last minute.
I love it.
Do it.
When all the limbs are numb and clean
and you're in transit dream to dream
Well, I'll be there to lift you lazy bones
When all the world has lain and sank
And money sleeps inside the banks will i be there to lift you lazy bones Cameraman's ways to remember how the eye dances
Drunkenness is a handheld scrambling down the dance scene
I come stumbling, well I hear you have to take a shine
And if I ran you random, I hear the rays fell upon mine
Cool you in the maze with a handful of water
Trucks encircling, bearing down, coming louder.
If I could stay here under your idle caress and not exit to the world and phoniness and
people.
Lizzy bones. Lazy bones
Lazy bones
When all the noise has left your head in the world,
someday you rise off the bed and I'll be there to lift you lazy bones.
Yes.
Dude, that's my favorite.
I'll take all of that.
You got it.
Thank you, Mike.
Literally the battery ran out.
Perfect timing.
Dude, you're the best, man.
Mike Doty, thank you, Mike Birbiglia.
Thank you, Nowhere Comics.
Love you guys.
Thank you so much for your time.
Thank you to all of you.
Thank you, Nowhere Comics.
Go to Ben Gleib's show tomorrow night.
Oh, shit.
We got to get back to work.
Thank you. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
Stick around.
Make a sound.
Buck your downies.
Dumb people town.
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