Dumb People Town - DPT Live - Mike Birbiglia - Just Be Happy

Episode Date: October 6, 2020

This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Mike Doughty. To kick off the show, Daniel reads some amazing headlines. In story one, man reta...liates after neighbor leaves dog poop on his lawn. In story two, man breaks up with wife to then marry... his mother-in-law. 

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Skypains Avenue I wouldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, jerk, don't be a jerk. That's when the music hits the funny hits and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. I present to you, Dumb People Town Live. Dumb People Town Live! What's up? What's up? That's awesome.
Starting point is 00:00:51 You guys. Hello, friends. How you doing? I think I'm missing something because uh-oh. Oh! There's the hat. You know what's coming.
Starting point is 00:01:06 But first, an unwanted hug. Someone who doesn't know how to properly get this show rolling. Randy is due back working at a Trader Joe's in Yellowstone. I feel like a guy who says that you can't only you cannot prevent forest fires. He identifies who cannot identify. He identifies who cannot stop. You got the joke. I'm going to introduce. We are so excited about this show. We have great guests. Our guest is great.
Starting point is 00:01:43 Our musical guest is great and I'm going to introduce him to play a little music at the top. He's someone that we've loved for so long. I loved him in his original incarnation of his band. His solo stuff is incredible as well. He's coming to you from Memphis. I think he is a deeply soulful person. He's going to play an original song and our theme song. Would you please step aside and let the man go through. Let the man go through. Here comes our good friend Mike Doty.
Starting point is 00:02:13 Mike Doty! Don't touch the box. Don't touch the shelf. Don't touch the people. Don't touch the box, don't touch the shelf Don't touch the people, don't touch yourself Lysol, sprayed on the wheel No hugging, no speaking, hand holding, no feel With the sad warfare Picking shoe, pillowcase, mask, and death in hair Conversating with an Amazon bot
Starting point is 00:02:40 On a broken drive-thru dressing like an astronaut. Do the rona, polona. Do the rona, polona. You won't know it if you're doing it right. You never know it if you're doing it right. You won't know it if you're doing it right. And if you're doing it right, you're doing it right You won't know it if you're doing it right And if you're doing it right You're doing it right
Starting point is 00:03:08 Fuck this curve, fuck Mnuchin If I was a kid, I'd find me a mall to loot Shut up, at least you learned to use your phone So the bird may be the home of loans What you live, don't watch the vain man Who can't forgive Jesus for the common good Got the mask on, laying in the cut Got the dunk in my tigga
Starting point is 00:03:28 Like an extra and my eyes wide shut Sorry I tried super hard Do the Rona, Polona Do the Rona, Polona Won't know it if you're doing it right You're the Rona Polona. Voices in your head like a little tiny Cardi B On the ledge with the boxer Wipes next to me if I chuck They'll scrape me up Throw me in a sanitized Supergolf cup
Starting point is 00:04:09 Come correct with the stimulus Checked by a yellow esteem I'm unsure when but I'll check before they close down France again To the Rona Polona To the Rona Polona you won't know what if you're doing it right you never know what if you're doing it right you won't know what if you're doing it right if you're doing it right
Starting point is 00:04:40 you won't know what if you're doing it right you'll never know what if you don't want to write You'll never know what if you don't want to write You won't know what if you don't want to write If you don't want to write You don't want to write Thank you Yes, love it Thank you very much All right.
Starting point is 00:05:07 Do the song. Yeah, let's do this. Give it to us, buddy. You know, it's a tough one. Dan and Rand and Jay will share. Tells folks so unaware. They lack in grace and sometimes shoes. The life they choose will make the news.
Starting point is 00:05:23 Breaking down each epic fail in Florida. There's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-hosts, our man Sam Van Der, don't be
Starting point is 00:05:40 a jerk, cause when the music quits, funny hits and we are gonna take you down. Jump around, hunker down, make a sound, at the ground round in a strapless gown, like downtown Julie Brown in Stone
Starting point is 00:05:55 People Town. Yes! Thank you. Thank you. You gave Dan a new name I'll take it Dan has become Sam Van Kirk Did I call you Sam? It's not an easy song
Starting point is 00:06:17 It's not an easy song and you crushed it And you added your own twist at the end It was beautiful Whatever throws Sally Mae off my case, you help out. So Mike Doty, you're with us, and I'm so happy you're here. You're going to be playing music throughout. You're going to help us get through these things. But first, I have to ask everybody and send everybody.
Starting point is 00:06:42 Hey, townies. Welcome to a Now comedy club live zoom version of town town town that was good that was very good population you
Starting point is 00:06:55 you know before we get to our guests we always have hi Dan how are you what's up buddy great to see you we always have a little thing that we started to do now, aside from making fun of Randy's hat. I don't know why people are making fun of my hat. I think it's fantastic.
Starting point is 00:07:13 You also don't know why you lost the deposit. I'm in a mighty, mighty Boston's cover band. Boston's cover band. From Portland, Maine. Randy bought that hat just so he could help people his opinions on the fire. That's what Randy wants to know. So he could never solve the case.
Starting point is 00:07:37 You look like the half-worn dude. Randy, you also look like you're a private investigator in jackson wyoming i'm a public investigator that's right okay uh so we start out every show with a little bit of fun and of course on this one we're going to dig into what we love to do because there's some there's some stories that can't make a full show. Yeah, it's just a headline. That is why we just do headlines. All right. Okay, you guys ready for this? Oh, I'm ready.
Starting point is 00:08:11 All right, here we go. I'm going to give you guys the first one. These are stories that don't have enough content in them. But the headlines alone are worth making fun of. Yeah, exactly. Okay, here we go. Ready? Just to be clear.
Starting point is 00:08:23 Here it is. First one is this man who had sex with bicycle sentenced and he could not look any more pissed about it man who had sex with bicycle i just to me i'm assuming it's a it's a unicycle. There's also a daughter somewhere asking him, what are you into these days, Dad? I'm into banana seats. What part of the bike do you have sex with?
Starting point is 00:08:57 I don't know. The tires? The pump? Look. You think he'd be wearing biking gloves and not mittens? I feel like that would be more... I don't know. To me me i feel like it could be a recumbent unicycle now that i think about it exactly exactly okay you're ready for another one that is the tour to france as far as i'm concerned how many bicycles can you have sex with i want to remind everybody we're running this we're all figuring out just like everybody's doing in life i always say this at the beginning of every zoom show I ever do.
Starting point is 00:09:26 I can guarantee you two things. One, we're going to have a lot of fun to some of this. If not, a lot of it will not go as planned. Just that is what's happening in life right now. Bear with me. You'll be able to see the wires at some point. There you go. You can see yourself there. Ready for this second headline. able to see the wires at some point. There you go. You can see yourself up there. Ready for this? Second headline.
Starting point is 00:09:47 Someone breaks into Gulf Home, but it's spelled G-U-E-L-F, and defecates in their dishwasher. Okay. Yeah. You are going to defecate anywhere. Does that qualify as doing a good?
Starting point is 00:10:04 Here's the best. Yes, it does. Thank you. That's an Ask our brothers double win. The entire story for this is three sentences. Ready? Let's see. The whole story is three sentences.
Starting point is 00:10:14 Let's hear it. Sometime between 1 a.m. and 8.15 a.m. Two pick of a window. Two pick of a window. I know. You don't know anything more than that? I'm going to say this. I think the window
Starting point is 00:10:25 to deliver that dishwasher was smaller than the window they gave when someone took a shit in it. On September 13, 2020, a residence located near the intersection of Starwood Drive and Eastwood Road. They don't even know which I have no idea what time. I love that we can't be specific about the
Starting point is 00:10:41 house. Right. In the city of Gulf, so they know where, was entered through an unlocked back sliding glass door. Which one? We don't know. Who knows? Also, people lock your goddamn doors. One could say that he dropped his load using an unlocked sliding glass
Starting point is 00:10:58 door back door. While the residents were asleep, nothing was taken. However, the culprit defecated in the open dishwasher before leaving the residence. Why would you leave your dishwasher open? I disagree with that. Nothing was taken. Someone's dignity was taken.
Starting point is 00:11:11 For sure. Someone's innocence was taken. That's what I love, too. Anyone with information is asked to contact Constable John Hunt, who literally by his name should be doing a better job. Constable John Hunt. Is he from original Mary Poppins? Who calls it a constable anymore? Constable John Hunt.
Starting point is 00:11:32 Mike's brother. We know that for sure. I wanted to give out some love and I forgot that first headline. See, I've already messed this up. Jesse Malgren at Jesse Malgren sent it in. And then the second one, Missy Jacobs at Missy MI77269017, which may or may not be Missy's social security number. All right, just try it out. Try it out.
Starting point is 00:11:51 See if it works. Don't want to forget it. Go apply for a loan and see if it works. You ready for the third headline? Yeah, I love this one. Let me cue this up here. Here we go. Okay, here we go.
Starting point is 00:12:00 This is somebody, oh, man, if we saw her in the wild. Oh, God. This is somebody, oh man, if we saw her in the wild. Oh God. Jackson, Jacksboro woman charged with public intoxication for chewing on horses, Maine and calling it candy. Okay.
Starting point is 00:12:19 By the way, she's good. He's good. People is what I said. Here's the church. Here's the the people why is she chewing on a horse somewhere somewhere there's a bedroom with a niece inside of it wondering what happened to their aunt
Starting point is 00:12:35 said she was going out for some milk I just think it's good that the bitter beer face guy is still getting work I like this and I do I don't like the some milk. I just think it's good that the bitter beer face guy is still getting work. I like this. And I don't like the fact that after she was caught, they took her out back and shot her. Man, what are you doing?
Starting point is 00:12:59 Shooting candy? Is it good? No. You like it? You want to take it out of your mouth? Okay. Come over here behind this barn. I can't tell. She thought she was chewing on candy.
Starting point is 00:13:14 The horse's name was candy. Or her name. All the people have told Cynthia people, we gave you money last time. We gave you money last time. Cynthia Teeple right now is not allowed to ride a public bus. Cynthia Teeple has her picture in four diners, all for not paying. No autograph. Do not serve this woman.
Starting point is 00:13:46 Cynthia Teeple has shown up to three different family reunions this year and none of them are her family. Always had a little Caesars hot and ready. That's right. Is it good? It's hot and ready. You guys got any candy? Candy's not bad. Cynthia Teeple has looked
Starting point is 00:14:03 at more than one dog and said it looks tasty i mean cynthia teeple has told someone at some point if you leave you're never gonna get this back cynthia teeple has bangs and she did not ask for them. Yes. They grew of their own volition. That's right. They grew despite her.
Starting point is 00:14:34 Cynthia Teeple's pissed up at you three. That's okay. Those are headlines to get us warmed up. And we have Mike Doty here. We're going to bring in our guest. He is... I can't tell you how much I love this guy. I love that he has blown up the way that he has. I love him tell you how much I love this guy. I love that he has blown up the way that he has. I love him as a comedian. I love him as a filmmaker.
Starting point is 00:14:50 I love him as a friend, as an author. You know, he's the one, he was one of the only guys we used twice on our show, Cheap Seats in New York. That's how long we've known him and love him. Would you please welcome our friend, Mike Birbiglia. Birbig! For you, my friend.
Starting point is 00:15:06 There he is. You know, I really like those news stories. I think you guys have a lot of great jokes. And I'm all for jokes. I'm all for humor. I have to be a little bit political when I make jokes at people's expense. Yeah. humor. I have to be a little bit political when I make jokes at people's expense. Because my last film, Don't Think Twice,
Starting point is 00:15:30 was nominated for Teeple's Choice Award. And so... So I just don't want to say anything. You gotta be careful. It's gonna step on the wrong toes. A hundred percent. You don't want to lose the feature in Teeple Magazine. I get it.
Starting point is 00:15:45 I got you. The same joke you did. I do think it was cool that when they chased her, she ran over a hurdle, stepped in some water, and we called that the TEEFL chase. I know. By the way,
Starting point is 00:16:02 Cheap Seats is my first ever IMDb credit. And I'm using that to this very day. You played, this is my favorite thing that you played. You played a man dressed in an apes costume that served tea very daintily to our guests on the show. Your object work was so amazing. I also played the super teams me guy.
Starting point is 00:16:34 Morgan Spurlock, you watched a lot of super teams. 30 days of super teams and you lost your mind and fell out the window. That show was the best and i saw a petition being passed around and circulated to bring back cheap seats and i will sign that petition i'm thrilled i love it thank you thank you thank you for doing that i appreciate that well i have a question for
Starting point is 00:16:57 you because you know you you now have a kid you've been uh, you've sort of been locked in lockdown in that mode. Do you feel like in New York, do you feel like the world is getting dumber or are we just more privy to the dumb that exists? We, I think it's, it's either we were that dumb before and we're opening up the matrix of dumb. Oh, we were dumb dumb before. Sure. And we're opening up the matrix of dumb. Yes. Oh, we were dumb all along.
Starting point is 00:17:29 Uh-huh. Or we're getting dumber, which is what you're saying. I don't know. Either way, it's out there, and it's there. Well, we like to do, Dan, should we do?
Starting point is 00:17:39 Yeah, I mean, they say, like, struggle shows character, and I think that's where our world and country is right now. It's like, oh, you guys are struggling? Here's how bad you are. And part of this show is we've all done dumb things in our lives, so we're going to present you with some stories and some things that will make you feel better about the dumb stuff you've done. And we'd love to kick off the show, Mike. I don't know, both Mikes, I don't know, Dodie and Birbiglia, I don't know if you've ever played, but we do a little thing here to open the show called What is Your Florida Man?
Starting point is 00:18:08 Which Florida man are you? The way that this is played, we will start out with Mike Birbiglia. According to the interweb, Mike, your birthday is June 20th. Is that correct? Correct. Okay. Happy birthday. June 20th. Thank you. Head Correct. Happy birthday. June 20th.
Starting point is 00:18:28 Headline is... I'm going to get this ready here. Headline is man... Well, specifically Florida man. Florida man couldn't drive stick after carjacking. Now, according to witnesses
Starting point is 00:18:43 and investigators, Antoine Chief Keith Bell. Is that? That is. Yeah. Chief Keith. Yes. Chief Keith. Chief Keith Bell ordered a woman out of her car, but abandoned the car a short time later because he couldn't drive a stick shift.
Starting point is 00:18:59 So he tried to jack the wrong car. You got to know what to do. You have to know your limits as a criminal. That's bad. Can you imagine? You tried to jack the car, but the couldn't drive stick failed. Failed. Miserably. Which I also hope was a conversation they had as
Starting point is 00:19:15 he was getting her out of the car. Can you drive? I can drive it, ma'am. No, you can't. I need this car. And she's trying to be nice, but it's making him feel worse. She's like, you got to put your foot on the car. I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm doing.
Starting point is 00:19:30 I've played Need for Speed. I know how this works. I also hope he kept stalling out so she was just next to him. I wouldn't be like, nope, you're still halfway. Mike, did you ever have a stick shift car? No, no, I can't drive stick. But I've driven, I would say, 100,000 plus miles across this great America of ours. But I've never driven a stick. It's always intimidated me.
Starting point is 00:19:56 Yeah, so Randy and I, we took a job in, what was it? 2000. The year 2000, We took a job. This was like before... I mean, they wanted us to do 10 hours of filming a day to drive a Toyota Spyder. An MR2 Spyder. Across country. And they said, do you guys know how to drive stick? And we didn't even
Starting point is 00:20:16 look at each other. We were both like, yes. But we had to have our friend who knew how to drive stick come to the toyota place in torrance and drive it off the lot because we didn't know how to drive it and we were about to drive it across the country we learned how to drive stick in two days and then we went on this trip and i just remember we were on we were missing i was in we were in phoenix seven hours into the trip and i missed the exit or he was just missing the exit and so Randy went
Starting point is 00:20:46 from fifth gear down to first gear without downshifting at all. It sounded like I stepped on a puppy. Yeah, it was just the worst noise ever. The worst noise ever and so we were terrible
Starting point is 00:21:02 at it. So it's not something you can pick up in a second so I understand what he's talking about. Kudos to you can pick up in a second. So I understand what you're saying. Kudos to you guys for lying. I mean, that's straight up lying. If someone asks if you're a god, you say yes. Yes. Okay. I'll take it to the next level.
Starting point is 00:21:14 I'll take it to the next level on the stick shift. I don't know what the stick shift is doing. That is how illiterate I am. Explain it to am. Explain it to me. Explain it to me. You know when you're getting on a freeway and your car goes like that?
Starting point is 00:21:36 Dan, I find this tone insulting. This is all done out of love. No, no. I don't like how you're kind of cocky about how you went into it. Yeah. All right.
Starting point is 00:21:50 So you know what a car. It's almost like you're wearing Randy's hat. I feel like this would be wearing Randy's hat. No, no. Give it to Dan. I'll look so good in this hat. Jesus Christ, Dan. Okay.
Starting point is 00:22:01 I know. Look at me. I feel like I'm going to solve a Dick Tracy comic. Okay. Oh, my God. Don't I look like I just started being a park ranger and got fired in the same day? You look like you're in the touring company for the movie Rounders. Right.
Starting point is 00:22:17 I look like I'm only allowed to handle the drums. Okay. Essentially, the stick does... You're doing that. You're controlling when it goes... You're controlling when it goes up to each gear. He knows. He's a smart guy. Dodie, where are you at?
Starting point is 00:22:37 We got your Florida band here. I'm right here. Okay, brother. Now, these are always fun. When I come across a great story in any context, it's always a gem. I can't wait to share it with the world. I have June 10th for you.
Starting point is 00:22:52 Is that correct? That is my daughter's birthday. And you're only 10 days older than Birbiglia. Okay, so this is your birthday. Your Florida band is one of those stories. When I saw it, I was like, how did I miss this? Okay. Headline
Starting point is 00:23:08 is perfect. Florida man said cocaine on his nose wasn't his. Look at this honor student. So I've done that. You have done that. honor students.
Starting point is 00:23:26 I've done that. You have done that. Well, that would be cocaine in your beard. You'd be like, this is mine. How much stuff lands in your beard that you're like, I've never seen that before in my life. I didn't have Cheetos. You have to think
Starting point is 00:23:43 about it a lot in life, except during quarantine, that's really the beauty. Anything can fall in here, and I don't care. It's yours. What I love about your Florida man is if we look at him, he looks like he's still in the middle of his lie. How many times do I have to tell you? I do not do cocaine.
Starting point is 00:24:06 Cocaine does me. He definitely heard this. It's like a selfie. Yeah, he definitely... This is not my cocaine selfie. Yeah, it's like the officer's probably like 20 minutes into it. We're like, yeah, I don't want to hear you talk about sirens anymore. I can tell you about sirens.
Starting point is 00:24:24 I love the back of your car yeah have you ever been back here uh no here's a little blurb for you dodie uh fabricio jimenez was pulled over during a traffic stop early sunday one of the deputies almost immediately spotted a white powder on his nose and identified it as cocagna. The powder later tested positive for the drug, but Fabricio tried to tell deputies the cocaine on his nose was not his. I'm just holding it up in my nose for a friend.
Starting point is 00:24:55 Maybe he got smacked. Yes. Somebody was doing the bump off their hand and just, oh, rage. That's a great story. Yeah, and he won't stop telling everyone about it. I mean, he got essentially smacked with a ton of confidence. That's what you're saying.
Starting point is 00:25:12 It's like when my brother asked me one time, what do you do when you have a friend who keeps doing cocaine? And I said, introduce them to anyone else. That'll take care of them for the night. He did not own the cocaine. No. Is there a feasible way that we could make his excuse
Starting point is 00:25:31 feasible, Burbiggs? No, I don't know. I was just imagining like, maybe there was some kind of a cocaine blower that came in, like a guy came in like a leaf blower, but it's a game blower. And he blew it all over his face and he's trying to wipe it off.
Starting point is 00:25:51 Yeah, this isn't even mine. I'm so sorry. So you're OK, so you're talking about cocaine like it's being shot out of a T-shirt. Yes, against his will. It's almost like it's like the clerk's excuse.-shirt cannon at a mixed game. It's almost like the clerk's excuse. I wasn't even supposed to do cocaine today. And let me just make a note of this. Our mom is watching this, Annette Sklar, and this is
Starting point is 00:26:17 the longest we've ever spoken about cocaine in front of our moms. You guys just get right to it. There's no talking. talking yeah we go straight to the cocaine talk with our mom we do it we don't talk about it that's it all right everyone should we get to story number one you guys ready to get into story number one everybody here we go welcome all of us on this journey through dumb people town sent in by one of the stalwarts i mean a pillar of the community carlene mcdermott at she be carlene she be carlene which to me should be a companion show
Starting point is 00:26:54 to that so raven i agree or a store that's that's now taking over all the defunct toys are us she be carly it's like they sell toys and also like clothes from Chico's. I love that place. It's right next to Shibby Teeples. You can get a lot of horse brushes at Shibby Teeples.
Starting point is 00:27:21 They sell horse brushes and dentures. Okay. Are you ready? Yes. This is a fun one. A man has gotten revenge on his neighbor for constantly leaving dog waste outside of their home. He decided to leave his own treat at the offender's doorway. Yeah, this is not a one-for-one. Everyone has a ring doorbell these days.
Starting point is 00:27:46 Right. This would be a quote of like, if you step on somebody's foot repeatedly and then they decide to hit you with a hammer. Yeah. Like you don't get to go like your dog shit in front of my house. So I'm now going to take a human person. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:59 Your doorway. That's dog. Doesn't know better. Dog does not know better. Right. Sean Miller. Who sounds like he's never had a good time based off of what we know about him probably sean miller's that are crazy and then there's sean miller's that are like dude take your shoes off
Starting point is 00:28:13 like an in-between a lot of rules sean miller's phone his phone is always on his belt yeah and he always and what he says is my phone is always holstered sean miller also i know we do this a lot but it fits car dealership yeah sean miller sean miller sean miller ford sean miller chevrolet sean miller see it works okay sean miller first noticed there was an issue when one of his neighbors put up signs asking the dog owner to stop leaving the animals excrement in front of people's apartments that would also insinuate that you think the person who has these dogs is like taking their shit and putting it in front
Starting point is 00:28:54 of you which is not what's happening so the dog isn't pooping there but they're just putting it they're moving it but they're saying so they put up signs sean mose neighbors said hey please don't let your dog shit in front of our places anyway. Do you have a dog? I do not. I also don't follow this story at all. That's fine. Welcome to town. This dude lives
Starting point is 00:29:19 in apartments. There's dog shitting in front of people's houses. Some neighbors put up signs and he thought that wasn't enough so he took it to another level that's right yes but the situation continued to be messy that's when somebody who writes an article wants to be funny yep uh why not if you want to be funny just become a southwest flight attendant yeah sean biller seriously how did 9-11 not kill Southwest comedy? It really should have killed comedy
Starting point is 00:29:48 on Southwest. Like, if you go on a Southwest Airlines flight, anybody, and I'm not assuming that will happen for another two years, and someone starts telling a joke over the microphone, you're allowed to yell too soon. Too soon.
Starting point is 00:30:03 Reference to 9-11. Too close to when Otis Redding's plane went down. Too soon. Too soon. Reference to 9-11. Too close to when Otis Redding's plane went down. That's right. Too soon. Too soon. Okay. Sean Miller decided to go rogue, which is giving him too much credit. Like, that is not... You shit on people.
Starting point is 00:30:18 Literally. Which means that Sean Miller went to a meeting in the apartment complex. And he's like, excuse me, I have a way to fix this. And everyone's like, we're not going to do that. I want to shit on their porch. You're here on a sublease. You're not even part of the HOA. Just let me shit on his porch.
Starting point is 00:30:36 No, Sean. Alright, well, I have a different solution. What is your different solution? It's that I shit on his porch. No, Sean. Sean Miller decided to go rogue. Waiting?
Starting point is 00:30:50 Like at the end of the meeting. Yeah. At the end of the meeting. He's like, great. Point of order? Point of order. I just want to make sure that we're all set. We're all on the same page here.
Starting point is 00:30:59 And Sean, please do not. No, I hear you. I hear what you're saying. I don't think you're listening to him. You guys have been heard, but then I wouldn't be going rogue if I hear you. I hear what you're saying. I don't think you're listening to him. You guys have been heard, but then I wouldn't be going rogue if I listened. So I get what you're, I'm picking up what you're putting down. And Sean's like, great meeting everyone. I'm just going to shit on their porch.
Starting point is 00:31:14 No. Sean waited for the culprit to strike, then followed him and his two dogs back to their home. So Sean follows the man and his dogs. Meanwhile, you're like, buddy, don't, right? Miller, lady returned to the guilty party's home in Hackney, East London,
Starting point is 00:31:35 at 2 a.m., taking a Sainsbury's carrier bag with him that contained his own waste. So, I guess that's a little bit better than actually doing it. Yeah, because I don't know if I could poop on command.
Starting point is 00:31:52 You're not living, dude. You need more coke. Mike Doty, what were you going to say? If you get outdoors, it's not easy. It takes a fair amount of mental wherewithal to accomplish it.
Starting point is 00:32:07 You really have to, you know... I haven't tried often, but I have tried. Yes. Well, you wouldn't be a rock and roll guy if you haven't tried. I mean, for sure. Camping is another thing.
Starting point is 00:32:22 Yeah, it's hard to do. It gives me more more i actually have more respect for dogs that they can do but i but now i don't respect this guy because he already he had like a pre-packaged poop like he didn't he in fairness i believe his nickname is porto shawnee yes at least that's what his tattoo says yes Yes. Sean Miller shared his own story on Facebook because that's where you go to put anything negative in your life. That's right. That's where you go to figuratively take a shit that everyone can see. Claiming that there had been no doggy dumpings since he left his in July when he took matters into his own hands.
Starting point is 00:33:00 Again, that's him being like, so if anybody wants to start giving me credit everybody's like sean delete your post he asked sean said obviously my other neighbor's warning signs didn't deter the person from letting their dogs relieve themselves outside other people's homes i hope one person that he went to college with is like sean you understand you're publicly writing that you're shitting in front of other people's places that's what he's doing you're creating a paper trail he, so one night I saw the man. You think he'll ever wonder why he didn't get away with it? Yeah. So one night I saw the man,
Starting point is 00:33:31 followed him to find the block he lived in, and I marked it down. You're not a detective. You're also not the Golden State Pooper. You don't need to do reconnaissance. Oh, it gets better. He says, I checked that there was no CCTV like you don't need to do oh it gets better he says i checked that there was no cctv because you wouldn't want to be caught doing something like that
Starting point is 00:33:51 i knew it would look pretty normal wearing a mask like a ninja no right no now you already know everything about him i pretty much think if you and put it in a bag and put it on someone's doorstep, you've broken the ninja code. Yes. Yeah. Also, if you tell someone what you did, you've broken the ninja code. Yeah, ninjas are pretty hush-hush about what they've done. I would say that. Go ahead.
Starting point is 00:34:18 Go ahead, Mike. Go ahead. I wanted to say that, like, look, it probably intervened effectively on the dog owner's behavior yes yes and so you know whatever you think of the method it worked i bet you it worked you got the job you would say so i would i will also say this you don't see a lot of ninjas on facebook no did you ever see the greatest onion headline of all time go ahead i don't know if he's available for an interview but i would ask him uh which character he related to in the film neighbors yes also i guarantee you he's available for an interview this guy wants to talk to anyone
Starting point is 00:35:03 about his accomplishments. I would also ask him which Sex and the City girl was he? Is he a Carrie? No, he's obviously a Samantha. He's a Samantha. He doesn't mind getting dirty, but he'll regret it later when he does other roles.
Starting point is 00:35:19 He says he checks CCTV, he wore a mask which made him feel like a ninja, then one night after having a nice meal, I let one out, which is also the most discreet and disgusting way to do it. It's also what you say when you're saying it's time to let the dogs out. Yeah. Well, he did. It wasn't as impressive as one of my usual ones.
Starting point is 00:35:37 No one cares, Sean Miller. And you need to understand what the word impressive means. I don't think we all think anything you're doing is right. An Igor Stravinsky concert is impressive. What you did in that bag is not impressive. Right. The Legos Death Star is impressive. He's like, if you think that's good, you should come down to the dealership.
Starting point is 00:36:00 No, we're not. We're not. We got some great APRs. Sean, this is a horrible commercial for you. Sean Miller strikes me as the only car dealership that just sells stick shifts. Yeah. He doesn't know how to drive.
Starting point is 00:36:15 I don't know how to drive. Get these off here. I can't. He says one night he let one out. It wasn't impressive, but I left it there outside their door along with a roll of poo bags so they had no excuse in the future so he's dropping a little he's giving a little by the way there is no way that anyone would understand the message he sent yes well yeah don't be so sure we'll get into that he said uh i felt like a bit of a hero afterwards it's a bit like i'm dirty batman stop escalating
Starting point is 00:36:48 also this is not at all how batman operates yeah batman if batman were to do that he would have to take off the utility belt right it's just a lot of logistical what if what if sean miller's facebook post like all of a sudden took a hard left turn and he's like, because I watched my parents die and ever since... You're like, whoa! I am my own butler. He said, I'm clearing the streets of dog
Starting point is 00:37:16 shit one shit at a time. Again, not close to what Batman does. Also, you're leaving shit. You're not clearing anything. You're adding to the problem yeah it's been one of them things that's been on my mind for a while i'm sure like a lot of things and so at least i got it out of my mind so now it's more about him it's about me getting out of my mind it's really not about anything but what does his wife or girlfriend have to say oh yeah he's probably right she took the swords he says and it got out of my body as
Starting point is 00:37:48 well so he's got jokes if there's a positive out of it that's a bonus miller laid his poop on the floor with a message attached to a cocktail stick that was a stark warning to the dog owner we are now going to see what that message looked like. There's some appropriate blurring, but if you do need to look away, this is a great time. But it's blurred out. It's blurred out. It's like
Starting point is 00:38:17 the cutest little piece of shit I've ever seen. To the tramp with the two dogs. You've been leaving your dog outside people's homes no apostrophe on people's fine that's fine i'm an englishman i'm sorry people's homes i thought i'd again no apostrophe for the i there's like there's certain punctuation i feel like he maybe shit out all of his ability to punctuate. Leave a present bag. Please use the
Starting point is 00:38:47 enclosed poo bags to avoid any further presents coming back to you. But he did it in don't. You're about to get my favorite part. Don't blame the wrong person for this. Which means he knows who this person's gonna think it is. Why do you have to call her a
Starting point is 00:39:05 tramp like that that just seems unnecessary it seems like he's getting the message through quite strongly without the without the insult yeah he didn't need such strong words Mike what'd you say Burbiggs what'd you say I was just gonna say like you know there's a lot of things you could call Sean but one thing I would
Starting point is 00:39:21 think of him as is a low information voter very much very much Sean, but one thing I would think of him as is a low information voter. Very much. Very much. He's a one issue guy. He's a one issue guy. He's a number two issue guy. He's a number two issue guy. Here's the great thing. Sean said that soiling the offender's shared entrance meant that there could have been a few innocent people affected by the stunt, which means he didn't even leave this in front of their door. He left it in the entrance to the
Starting point is 00:39:49 apartment building. So cut to all these other people being like, the hell is this about? We call that collateral damage. Collateral damage. However, he hopes they'd notice who owned the dogs and pass the sentiments on to them.
Starting point is 00:40:05 So now Sean is hoping that they, someone else says to like, I don't know. Let's call him Greg. Greg, did you see the sign for your dogs out front? Like he wants them to help. No,
Starting point is 00:40:15 no. It's cleaned up. That's like when Randy and I, we used to have this discussion about the old Phil Collins song, uh, in the air tonight. I'm sure you guys know it. But apparently the urban myth
Starting point is 00:40:27 surrounding that song was that he saw somebody watch somebody else drown. And we're like, wait a minute, Phil, that means you watched someone drown. You're culpable here. Saw someone watch someone drown and then he invited that person to his
Starting point is 00:40:49 concert and then a spotlight came down on that person and then he sang in the air tonight but as we all know you go to a concert like what if you know that at that moment that the spotlight comes down the guy's out getting nachos or somewhere. And Phil had to say to the band, like, hey, we got to have a loose set list tonight, guys. Trust me. If I go into this, we got to make sure he's going to be there. He looks like he's going to leave.
Starting point is 00:41:15 He literally said, I need this to happen against all odds. Alright, guys, we have to do it. We're in too deep. But that's what this is. Oh, go. What were you saying? This is a little bit of a digression, but I did an outdoor show last week and there were port-o-potties. And, and, and, you know, the, it's a, it's a pain to wear the mask.
Starting point is 00:41:40 And, but we have, we all have to do it. But then I wore a portal. I wore a mask in a porto potty. It was the first time that I understood the genius of the porto potty. Because if you can't smell the potty, you're going, this is a pretty good portable potty machine. And then I started thinking, I was like, oh, I think the problem is that we all, there's just too much potty. It's just a volume thing. It's a mountain of potty that almost reaches your butt. Enter in Dirty Batman to help clean it up.
Starting point is 00:42:20 That's right. Dirty Batman needs to fix this situation for you. You're so right. They should give masks. They should have them hanging on the door before you go in. Why am I doing a Heil Hitler? The mask says, I love to potty. I love to potty. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:38 Potty with us. Here's where we get to really learn about Sean Miller. He says, they do it in front of my place, too. He's now talking about the dogs and the owner. They do it in front of my place, too. But it's on a bushy bit that nobody really goes on. So it doesn't really affect me or my immediate neighbors.
Starting point is 00:42:55 So he was just looking for a reason to put his shit in front of somebody else's door. This isn't even his problem. Say the word. You say the word, and I'll poop all over this town. He's probably just trying to constantly fix other people's problems. I think I'm going to break up with David. Well, if you want me to, I'll poop all over there and I'll leech
Starting point is 00:43:13 in front of his door. No, Sean. He sees his poop as like his superpower. That's right. He's like, I don't want to unleash this, but if you need me to. Let's be honest. It is his pooper power. All right.
Starting point is 00:43:27 Oh, God. That's our brother. We'll get out of here on this. Story number one. How old do you believe Sean Miller is? Donnie and Birbiglia, you are our guests. So you guys get to go first. How old would you guess Sean Miller,
Starting point is 00:43:48 a man who picks up other people's problems and leaves his shit in its place? How old do you think he is? Birbiglia or Dodie? My theory based on your leading question, Dan,
Starting point is 00:44:03 is that he's younger than I would expect. Because you'd think he's sort of an angry old get off my lawn man. Sure, sure. But I think that what you're getting at is maybe he's more in the realm of like a 34. Yeah. Okay. All right. So you're saying he's less of a get off my lawn and more of a get more of me on your lawn.
Starting point is 00:44:25 Yes. Jody, what do you think? I would say 38. I would think that's the age at which he has really internalized the fact that he's never going to get into show business. So this is his thing. And no one's going to read his dirty Batman script. It's like what they're doing with Pattinson,
Starting point is 00:44:57 but it's even darker. How long is it? It's 200 pages. I don't need to read it. It reads fast. It reads fast. The dialogue's real snappy. I don't know if there's a lot of dialogue
Starting point is 00:45:12 in Batman. Stage directions. All right. You go first, Jim. I'm going to go older because I do think he is older. I think he's 53, which, by the way, like a long time ago, 53 sounded so old. That is
Starting point is 00:45:27 four years older than me and Randy. Okay. I'm going to even go older. I'm going to say 62. This guy has had it up to here with having it up to here. Okay. All right. Okay, so let's run through.
Starting point is 00:45:43 Upper Big says 34. Doty says 38. I say 54. 53. And I say 62. 62. Okay. None of you are exactly right.
Starting point is 00:45:55 Okay. And not only that, as we've seen a little bubble in the chat on the Zoom, I love that you guys are playing along. Not one of you, as far as I've seen, has guessed it exactly right either. Now, I'm not saying every single it exactly right. Someone just wrote 15. You guys are still putting in numbers. No one has guessed it. 87. 87. He should be proud of that.
Starting point is 00:46:20 Someone wrote 4. Someone wrote 4 years ago. 118. I one wrote four years. 118 years came out. I'll tell you this. I have seen the correct number on the screen three times. It's probably out there more. But I will reveal his photo
Starting point is 00:46:35 and tell you at the same time. Sean Miller. Sean Miller. Dirty Batman. Dirty Batman. A.K.A. Dirty B. The Dirty B. Dirty Batman, a.k.a. Dirty B. The Dirty B, whose parents are probably like,
Starting point is 00:46:50 I wish we had died when he was young. All right, ready? He went on Facebook and told everybody. Here's the thing about Dirty Batman. No one wants to be his Robin. I hope his dad saw the post first and did the classic like, you want to know what your son did? Real problem. Mr. Studio apartment.
Starting point is 00:47:14 Real problem. I just sent you a link, Diane. Okay, here we go. Dirty Batman is 24 years old. He looks like he never waits for her to come. Ever.
Starting point is 00:47:33 If he were to get married, he'd get married in polar tech. Those glasses work perfectly, but he also found them. Those glasses work perfectly, but he also found them. He looks like he works for a CD-ROM company today. Sometimes you can look directly in front of someone and tell how long their ponytail is. Yes, yes. Strangely, the scaffolding is behind him in all of his photos.
Starting point is 00:48:02 Folding is behind him in all of his photos. He looks like he never knows why he's being let go. That's right. He tells people that he puts the artist in martial artist. There you go. All right. That's our first story down in the books. I love it, you guys.
Starting point is 00:48:25 We're going to take a quick break. But as we go to break right now, let's throw it back to our good man, Mike Doty. Take it away, brother. And everybody, as he's playing music, let's just make sure we don't make a lot of noise so we can hear the beautiful sounds. If you can do that quickly, it'll help. Yep. Mike, take it away, brother.
Starting point is 00:48:43 All right. I haven't played this in like five years, just so you know. I love it. Older looks, smarts, and that gaze for the right intention. Sunk in that girl, don't let me go. You're the world and you barely know so. You're the drinks I drink and keep drinking and fall down the stone. All the drinks I drink and keep drinking and lay down and tremble down. Drinking and lay down, trembled out. These tears are bound to fall. Sunken eyed girl on the low street.
Starting point is 00:49:36 Bulletproof glass in the KFC suit. Keep the man safe in his paper hat. Keep the wrong hands off the biscuit porch. Sunken eyed girl, don't let me know. Keep the wrong hands off the biscuit portion. Chunk and I'd burn. Don't let me know. You're the world and you barely know so. I'm a. No prize for you. No trophy to.
Starting point is 00:50:02 Keep walking through. Can I guess how many socks I have on? Nine. Four pairs. Nine worth of time. I'll drag you down. Don't waste your time.
Starting point is 00:50:22 Alright. I forgot the bridge. So this is the riff from 38 Specials, Hold On Loosely. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. All right. Keep sucking our girl onto Lancy Street Bulletproof glass and the KFC To keep the man safe in his paper hat
Starting point is 00:50:54 Keep the wrong hands off the biscuit fortune Sucking our girl, don't let me go You're the one where there's barely no soul. I know no prize for you. No trophy to keep walking through.
Starting point is 00:51:19 And I'm not worth the time. I'll drag you down. Don't waste your time. So can that girl in the sandwich shop. Ladled my soup from the kettle pot. So swooning myself with the smolder looks.
Starting point is 00:51:42 Bars and that gay is for the ragging section. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. It was like one major fuck-up, and that was it. No. You got a special version. For all the people like us who have that song on repeat a lot of times,
Starting point is 00:52:01 we got a brand-new version. You have a new EP. I want everyone who's listening on the Zoom to go check it out and pick it up tell them what it is and tell them how to get it it's called ghost of vroom um it's a band with me and scrap livingston uh the the ep is called ghost of room two because we have made ghost of room one but not put it out yet awesome and it's on it's on spotify and your apple music and your pandora and and all the places where you do the things with the things uh this is a guy you want to support i just can't tell you like how much your music for us like i remember listening to you know lazy bones that of course you know like getting the silk coughing album
Starting point is 00:52:46 when we were living in new york in the mid 90s and just how much that was the soundtrack for there and they're just songs off the album that sunk a night girl is on that album that i would just put on and walk through the the streets of manhattan like i own the place with your soundtrack playing through it it's just it's such a treat for us to have you on the show i hope you realize that mike oh i mean i i'm i'm uh i feel privileged to be with you guys thanks thanks for having me and thanks for telling me about the cocaine guy because that's that's a choice yeah that is stick around is. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People
Starting point is 00:53:25 Town. As we get to the top of this next segment, as we're here already, I want to talk about Mike Birbiglia. You got a new book out. It's new-ish. Just came out last month. Birbigs, tell folks about it and how they can grab it and what it is. It's called The New One,
Starting point is 00:53:44 Painfully True Stories from a Reluctant Dad, with poems by J. Hope Stein, my wife. And so it's a mix of comedy and poetry about how I never wanted to have a child and then how my wife and I had a child and how I was right in all the ways I was right. And then wrong. And it's emotional. And the poetry is really beautiful. And the cover is gorgeous.
Starting point is 00:54:10 It's Wendy McNaughton and Crystal Saka designed it. And so I would say just support your local bookstore and get it. Curbside. Chances are your local bookstore, if you request it, will get it. And they'll give it to you curbside and it'll be safe. And yeah, I really appreciate it. And I actually I'm enjoying Mike Doty so
Starting point is 00:54:31 much tonight. I just got word in my ear that he's been nominated for a Teeple's Choice Award. Oh, get out of here. That's unbelievable. Yeah. Holy cow. Yeah. I mean, she's probably going to select something from Boz Skaggs, but still, that's great for Dodie.
Starting point is 00:54:47 Neato. Oh! Go ahead. Whatever you say, Mike. Dodie? Who could falter for choosing Boss Skaggs? Okay. It's an honor to be nominated.
Starting point is 00:55:03 There you go. It's an honor for people. Seriously, the new one, go pick it up. This is the time. And one quick plug, too, is my podcast, Working It Out, where I'm working out new jokes with new comics every week. This week, Maria Bamford, amazing episode. I love it.
Starting point is 00:55:19 And, you know, this is kind of born out of the thing you were doing on Instagram Live, which was so much fun that we got a chance to do with you, which was it's my favorite thing in the world when comedians riff together and you've got a new kernel of a bit of something that you want to do. And then if you have someone that you really trust across the table to then throw, hey, have you ever thought of going it this way? Or I thought you were going to go this way with this. And then it opens a whole new world up. That's what comedians do in green rooms everywhere i love this idea of course jay and i love this idea working it out we're the tagmasters 2000 working it out and i look forward to an invite come on it's going to be great i want to do it so working it out you can find that that's per big thing and then uh catch you on all the shows you're doing on nowhere comedy club so
Starting point is 00:56:04 just look up yes event event pride.com so yeah check that out too uh all right should we jump in another story i'll do another one let's do another one here we go just listening by jake groney at jake groney jake sends in so many great stories thank you for being such a great contributing person of the town i want to remind while i have so many of you a couple things if you turned your mic off just to make sure we got to hear the music as best as possible feel free to turn it back on right now i want to hear your laughter and have you be part of this town hall meeting here we go also at daniel van kirk hashtag dump people town if you want to send in a story as well here we go ready for this uh headline let's hear it man married his mother-in-law after breaking up with his wife i don't
Starting point is 00:56:43 see anything wrong with this what i don't see anything wrong with this. What? I don't see anything wrong with this. That's the hat talking. That's the hat talking. It's so hard for me because I like Woody's movies so much. He's going the other way. He's marrying that mother-in-law.
Starting point is 00:57:04 He's going up. So at's marrying that mother-in-law he's going up so at least he married her mother and not his own mother because his wife already hated his mother so now it just becomes like a reverse edible thing a man who married his mother-in-law says he has no regrets despite the unusual start to their relationship if you marry your mother understatement if you marry your mother-in-law, if you marry your mother-in-law, you are not someone who has a lot of regrets. You just go, you Christopher Cross it through life.
Starting point is 00:57:37 You ride like the wind and whatever happens. Or you sail. Or a lot of times you're caught between the moon and New York City. That's crazy. I was a huge fan of that TV series, How I Met Your Mother-in-Law. Sorry, Mike. It was an eight-minute short.
Starting point is 00:57:58 It was tight. I remember that. Josh Radner, I can watch him do it. I think it was How I Met My Mother. I remember that. Josh Radner, I can watch him do anything. I think it was How I Met My Mother. How I Met My Mother. Dan, where are they registered?
Starting point is 00:58:10 Oh, where are they? Cheeky Hoes. Look at these two. Look at these two. To be no son of life. Why does he look older than her? I know. And she does.
Starting point is 00:58:25 You know how when a really old person wears a kid's T-shirt? It's like seeing a really old guy in cargo shorts. I know. Maybe he's Benjamin Buttoning. Maybe he's only five years old. He's reversed Benjamin Buttoning. Maybe he's only five years old. He's reversed Benjamin Buttoning. This proves two things. One, some people can go their whole life and never learn how to smile. And two, if you're watching this show, if you're with us, you're listening to it, wherever you're taking it in, and you're in your 20s, this is what smoking does.
Starting point is 00:59:01 They are 40. in your 20s, this is what smoking does. They are 40... Dan, I'm going to say this, and my mom is watching this, but I'm looking at this woman, and she is filthy. She is a dirty brat.
Starting point is 00:59:18 They don't kiss during sex. They get to it. I have a theory, which is maybe he helped her move in that couch, and he was like, fuck it, I have a theory, which is maybe he helped her move in that couch and he was like, fuck it, I'm staying. And by it, I mean you.
Starting point is 00:59:35 Okay, here we go. I was just thinking that when you're with somebody and you sort of have that anniversary or special occasion and it's like, Oh, do you remember the movie where we went to dinner and that thing you said and that thing you wore and theirs will end with, and we never would have met if I didn't marry your daughter.
Starting point is 00:59:58 In a way she introduced them. Remember that one Christmas, the one when you were married to my daughter or with me, the one where it was our whole family or the ones where it was just us for introduced them. Remember that one Christmas? The one when you were married to my daughter or with me? The one where it was our whole family or the ones where it was just us for every year after that? I just love that if they do get married, it makes
Starting point is 01:00:15 his ex-wife his daughter. I know. We'll get into it. Here we go. Ready? Now look, I know we've had fun with people and we've had fun with T-Pole. And we've had fun with many names that have come into Dumb People Town. She's a T-Pole person.
Starting point is 01:00:32 People are T-Poles, so why should it be? How many times have you been on top of a bar with a bottle in her hand that they're asking her to put down, yelling, We the T-Pole will not take this. Okay. You ready for this thing? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:47 Clive Blunden. Yes. When you make a really big mistake, you make a Blunden. Clive Blunden is a sex thing. I gave her a Clive Blunden. That's a British sex thing. Clive Blunden. I mean. Clive Blunden.
Starting point is 01:01:06 Clive Blunden only lies. Clive Blunden is the type of guy who's like, I've never had Coke in my life. I've never had Coca-Cola ever. Clive Blunden knows which street meters are broken. Clive Blunden can only eat applesauce.
Starting point is 01:01:30 Clive Blunden wore boots to his wedding. Both of them. Clive Blunden. It's too close to Fred Garvin while also being way far from him. Clive Blunden. Clive Blunden, male prost him. Clive Blunden. Clive Blunden, male prostitute. Clive Blunden.
Starting point is 01:01:48 Who is always here to fix something. Yep. Clive Blunden's here, you guys. Guys, Clive Blunden's here. Hey, hon. So he's going to fix the washer and the dryer. Hey, Birbiglia, who did you invite over to our party tonight? Clive Blunden.
Starting point is 01:02:01 No. He's going to talk about his divorce. I just want to let you know, babe, Clive is going to stop by. He's just stopping by. He never just stops by. Clive Blunden, he's like a vampire. He can only get into the garage. After that, you have to invite him.
Starting point is 01:02:18 I'm in the house. Clive Blunden is a great... It reminds me of our friend Brian Lewis. He had a handyman named Fred Porps. Best friend of our handyman. Fred Porps is the Clyde London of his town. And he's from Chicago. And his mom, Terry Lewis, had the most Chicago accent ever.
Starting point is 01:02:36 She'd be like, Brian, Fred Porps is coming here. He's going to be here. Fred Porps. Fred Porps is here. Have you seen his hair? All right, here we go. Clyde London was actually arrested when he first tried to marry brenda in 1997 who was before that his mother-in-law yep okay and
Starting point is 01:02:54 despite brenda admitting she wasn't so keen when she first met him more than two decades earlier yeah the unusual couple say they have no regrets, reports the Mirror Online. You do you. I'm going to tell you this now, guys. Everyone in the town who's listening to this. By the end of this story... We're going to love them.
Starting point is 01:03:15 We're going to love them. Yes, it's weird. It's like at the end of Midsommar when you were like, yeah, burn it down. I get it. People thought we wouldn't last, but we're stronger than ever, says Clive. It's like the end of the movie Over the Top where you're like, arm wrestling for custody of his kid? Sure.
Starting point is 01:03:37 I buy it. I buy it. He says, we're together 24-7 and there's magic to it. Is there magic to being with your spouse 24-7? A lot of people are finding out right now. Is there magic to being with your spouse 24-7?
Starting point is 01:03:52 I'm not going to speak to this because I just feel like everybody's different. Yeah. Sure. I don't know. That's why you're in a kitchen in someone else's different. Yeah. Sure. I don't know. That's why,
Starting point is 01:04:06 that's why you're in a kitchen in someone else's house right now. I will say that. I will, I will say this. My experience of the pandemic is that nothing is as it seems like
Starting point is 01:04:17 you'll talk to your friends and they'll be like, I'm having a great pandemic getting a lot done. And the next week they're like, we're getting divorced. The next week they're like we're getting divorced the next week they're like we ate my grandmother
Starting point is 01:04:31 you guys at the end of this you're gonna kind of be like you know what let him do it here we go who am i to fight it brenda added clive is a gentleman and he looks after me i can get a bit argumentative but he he quiets me down, which feels a little oppressive. That's some NXIVM stuff right there. All he has to do is raise his hand. No, no, no. Brenda wasn't such a fan of Clive when he got together with her daughter, Irene, who is pissed. In fact, he disliked him
Starting point is 01:05:05 the moment she saw him. So they started out on the worst few problems. Romantic comedy. This is a romantic comedy. Clive and Irene married in 1977 and had daughters Sarah and Tanya before divorcing in 1985. Somebody is being toned out to their local fire department
Starting point is 01:05:22 right now. In fact, four years later, in 1989, Clive and Brenda began dating in secret, which is all great things. Sound like a romantic comedy. I gotta drop something off at your mom's house
Starting point is 01:05:37 tonight. They're so old, I would call this 5,000 days of summer. Look at these two in the 80s. Look at these two. Look at these two. the 80s. Look at these two. Look at these two. Is that the mom? Yes. No, that's the woman from the thing.
Starting point is 01:05:53 That's Brenda. They look close in age. All right, here we go. I feel like they're wearing each other's tank tops. I hope so. That's love. We followed up, Brenda. That's love. We fall off, Brenda. He took revenge. And we ended up kissing.
Starting point is 01:06:11 Oh, someone's being loud. We're good. In 1997, they decided to marry. But a few days after they put their bands up at the register office in their hometown of Warrington, Cheshire, Clive was arrested. Clive was arrested. He was told there was lawful impediment to marrying his mother-in-law and warned he could be jailed for how long?
Starting point is 01:06:30 How long do you guys think Clive was looking at going to jail for? For marrying his mother-in-law. What do you think? I would say that's a misdemeanor of maybe two years in jail. Two years in jail.
Starting point is 01:06:45 Dodie, what do you think? Well, they do a thing here in Tennessee, which is a lot. Which thing? Just shy of 10 months, which is like nine months and 29 days. Yeah. And if you say that, it just means like they gave you the maximum misdemeanor. Okay. Jail time.
Starting point is 01:07:06 And it's just kind of hilarious. Like how vindictive of a judge to underline it like that. I think I'm going to nine months and 29 days. That's so good. Jay, what do you think? I mean, marriage itself is kind of a prison.
Starting point is 01:07:18 Am I right? Folks, I'm going to say one year, one year, one year one year i'm gonna say three years okay three years i have not seen the answer in the chat for the little bubble that we have here but i will tell all of you that he could have been jailed for up to seven years if they went ahead of it to marry years ago it's like breaking a mirror because they tried to marry years ago because brenda's first husband richard passed away and irene remarried so why no one should care it's like she's moved on guys you gotta remember this is
Starting point is 01:08:00 like 97 they started dating secret like eight years prior like they really like each other by this point they wrongly assumed they'd be free to wed instead they had to settle for brenda changing her surname to clive's because everybody wants to be a blunden that's right yeah but this wasn't good enough for the smitten groom-to-be who began campaigning for the 500 year old law to be altered i thought we should be married because we had been through everything together some of it you started but also yes yes exactly we we were being stopped unfairly i didn't think it was right so i wanted to change it it was 10 years before a european court ruled a ban on in-laws marrying was a violation of human rights
Starting point is 01:08:43 cut to clive remembering when he heard the news on TV in September 2005. I went straight down on one knee and proposed to Brenda. I had tears in my eyes. Come on. I love him. I know. Don't worry.
Starting point is 01:08:59 What's the story of a European court convening to decide this? I know. This is our Aaron Brockovich. I mean, when he went down on one knee, he did contaminate the groundwater. So it is very much like Aaron Brockovich. Which I thought for a long time was Aaron Bronkelstein. I got that wrong.
Starting point is 01:09:26 On March 17, 2007, they finally became husband and wife at Wilmington Register Office, the same place where Clive had married Brenda's daughter, Irene, 30 years earlier. Oh, you got to change it up a little bit. Era the dog. I mean, he had a high percentage match match with Irene and then it was a 100% match with Brenda. He was on the dartboard and he just got closer to the bullseye.
Starting point is 01:09:52 The majority of the people, including Irene, did not wish to attend. Only one distant relative sent them a congratulations card. You know how if you have a destination wedding, it weeds out all the people you don't want to come? Sure. This is his way of weeding out all the people you don't want to come. Yeah, marry your mother-in-law.
Starting point is 01:10:09 You'll find out who cares. We'll have a small wedding. We'll have a nice small wedding. We're going to cut to a picture of Irene, and you're going to know exactly how she feels about this situation. Okay, let's hear it. Here we go. Boom. Oh.
Starting point is 01:10:24 Irene looks like we all divorced her. Boom. Irene looks like we all divorced her. Irene is like who I'm going to. She's like the slip and fall. It looks like you just asked her, are you going to your mom and now stepdad ex-husband's
Starting point is 01:10:40 wedding? Also, love the piercing. I'll say, Irene, you don't have to smile for every photo it's okay it's a nice it's a straightforward one some people never learn clive's ex-wife irene little did not attend the wedding and previously said she felt that she was still angry at her mother clive who serenaded brenda with a rendition of what song do you guys think oh my god now i know there's no way you're going to get this exact, but if you do, I will
Starting point is 01:11:07 lose it. Her bigs, what do you think? What would you serenade your mother-in-law with to show how much you love her? Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon? Winner of nine People's choice awards right i was just thinking that the um the the a sad ending to the story would be like if you as a gift if you gave them the book Codependent No More. And they just read it and died.
Starting point is 01:11:49 That was it. That gave him permission to go. Tony, what do you think? I think it was something embarrassingly and awkwardly tied to her generational mindset. You know, like in a way that's like, oh, why'd you do that?
Starting point is 01:12:06 So, you know, she would think that I'm going to go a groovy kind of love. Ooh. Wow. I know this is wrong, but I want to say I like big butts and I cannot lie. Now, go back to the picture. I just love that in that song sir mix a lot just tells you he he wants to be able to lie he wishes he could lie to you he would make nothing more than to be able to tell you an untruth and he's like i can't do it i would like to tell you honesty
Starting point is 01:12:40 is such a strong feeling inside of me wanted to be able to walk into the studio that day and say, you know what? I like a skinny butt. He might have even said that at first. Then he was like, guys, I'm sorry. I'm not being truthful with myself. Let's go back to the very beginning. The first line, I have to be honest.
Starting point is 01:13:05 I like big butts. That's what you think one. And I just want to tell you. It's the first line, I have to be honest. I'm like, big butts. I can't lie. All right, so that's what you think it was? That is what I think. Randy. You say, don't stand so close to me. But who wants her closer? He does want her closer. God, I don't even know.
Starting point is 01:13:16 You can't say in the air tonight. I'm not going to say. You watched another guy drown. I'm sorry, Phil. I think I have to go back to another Phil Collins song. And I know that like this marriage was 100%. People said it couldn't happen. All the things, everything was stacked against it.
Starting point is 01:13:37 So I'm going to have to go with the Phil Collins song, Susudio. Oh, Jesus. So bad, man. I literally thought one of you was going to guess Come Oh, Jesus. So bad, man. I literally thought one of you was going to guess Come On, Irene. Irene! Daughter. I obviously would go with
Starting point is 01:13:55 Clarence Carter's Stroken. That is the greatest wedding. I also would go with, and of course you know I love this song, and anybody who's ever been at karaoke with me knows that this is my go-to song. Gregory Abbott, Shake You Down. Of course, yes. Come on, girl.
Starting point is 01:14:12 Let's start the show. Well, cut to what's her name? Teetle? Teetle. She's singing low down. Alright, here we go. Clive marinated Brenda with his own personal rendition of,
Starting point is 01:14:30 he's not even going, Groban, West's Life, You Raise Me Up. What? Groban, West's Life, which is like this boy band-ish, I mean, they're great singers. I've watched the video. West's Life sounds like the song you raised me on. Westlife sounds like the church from The Vow. Westlife sounds like the magazine you read
Starting point is 01:14:51 in the plane. Well, Westlife sounds... Westlife sounds like a pyramid scheme. There's a great article about gyms in Phoenix in Westlife. Westlife. Westlife.
Starting point is 01:15:07 Oh, my God. You raised me up. We crushed it. It had been a struggle to get to that point, but it was a wonderful day, and we will always remember. You guys have been together at that point for 20, 30 years? That's right.
Starting point is 01:15:24 You're always going to remember that day brenda says you will always remember the day when you get down on one knee and ask your former mother-in-law to marry you they headed off to spain for a month-long honeymoon love it awesome but after hitting the headlines they were instantly recognized we went uh we went to get away from it all we walked into the apartments and God helped me. They all knew who we were. The barman said, ooh, we've got celebs. But everyone was really nice about it. We had a fantastic honeymoon. There you go.
Starting point is 01:15:52 I love this. And thankfully, married life is everything that they hope for. Clive said, marriage to Brenda definitely changed me. I felt different straight away. I was more relaxed. Until we got married, I felt like something was missing. We've been through a lot and we came through it on the other end and that's an achievement. What made it perfect is we can be on our own all day and still get along. We would do it again. I
Starting point is 01:16:14 hope so. What's crazy is that Mike Pence calls his wife mother. This guy can do it. His favorite thing about her is that he can be away from her all day. Whatever works, dude. Whatever works. We don't go out of our way to tell strangers how we met and they don't believe us. If we do, a lot of people thought it wouldn't last. I will tell you this. If you want to prove anybody wrong in your life, just be happy.
Starting point is 01:16:42 By the way, whatever it is is if you like over time you're gonna be like okay i guess we were wrong they really do they love each other now i'm thinking that mike dodie is right he should have sang groovy kind of love yes yes yeah okay we're gonna go back we're gonna go back to them one more time before we get out of this the question I have for you, how many years apart do you think Clive and Brenda are? How many years apart? If you told me that Clive 10 years ago used to be a woman, I would believe you. No, no, no. He could do anything.
Starting point is 01:17:18 He has no regrets. I look at her and I think of Greg Fitzsimmons' bit about his grandma where her hair is like an old dandelion and he just wants to blow it and just watch it all disappear into the wind. I can tell you this by looking at these two. They love popcorn. They love it. They love to get the barrel
Starting point is 01:17:39 that's... I'll tell you about this. It's caramel corn and cheese. And then you know what these guys do? They take the dividers out. They don't care anymore. They basically take the dividers out of life. That's true too.
Starting point is 01:17:59 Dodie over bags. I'm going to say 10 years based on otherwise, I just don't know quite how it happens unless it's about a 10-year differential. 10-year differential. Okay, and who do you think
Starting point is 01:18:15 is older? You think she's older by 10? I think she's older by 10 is what my theory is. 10. Dodie. I want to take the freaky counterintuitive uh route and say he is one year older than her go for it uh the price is right one dollar move right yeah it's so good so smart jay what do you think uh i'm gonna say say I'm going to say
Starting point is 01:18:46 she's five years older than him. Okay. And before I give my age, I got to give a quick shout out to, there's a guy, I think he's watching, his mom is a teacher and I want to shout out to all the teachers out there. There are teachers out here who are doing their thing right now. Thank you so much. Shout out to
Starting point is 01:19:01 Nathan Spicer's mom. She's a teacher. Way to do your job. So I'm you to think. Shout out to Nathan Spicer's mom. She's a teacher. Way to do your job. We're about to wrap this up. I'm going to give mine. I think they are 15 years apart. She's 15 years older than him. She's
Starting point is 01:19:16 77 and he's 62. Let's run it back. I say 15 years. Dodie says he's a year older. Big says she's 10 years older. Big says she's 10 years older. And I say she's five years older. Okay. I did see some correct answers. And before I give it, do we want to make our quick announcement?
Starting point is 01:19:32 This is okay. We're getting to the end of the show. So we're going to announce right now to all of you who our guests are going to be for the November 7th show that we're doing here at Nowhere Comedy Club of Live Down People's Town. Are you guys ready? And the ticket link is live. The ticket link is live. Right now, is live right now. If you buy tickets between now and 8 a.m., you will be entered. We had five people. We choose
Starting point is 01:19:50 you randomly. You get automatic entrance into the VIP hang after the show. You get that. So if you buy between now and 8 a.m., a little bit more incentive for you. And obviously as so many found out today, it does sell out. So I guarantee you're going to get to be there. Here are the guests.
Starting point is 01:20:06 Jon Hamm is our guest. And the band Tennis. Yes, people. This guy is a little Hamm and Tennis. On November 7th. Ticket link is live. Okay. Give it to us, Dan.
Starting point is 01:20:15 Okay. Brenda and Clive Blunden. Yep. I don't even remember. Blunda. I don't even remember. Are you about to say they're the same? What if I'm about to say that? What are you going to say?
Starting point is 01:20:27 We will get out of here on this. They are 12 years apart. Wow! I saw some out there. Way to go, Purves. Purves was close with the win. Everyone pick up Mike Purbiglia's book. The new one.
Starting point is 01:20:42 I don't have a copy of it but i have david sedaris's let's explore diabetes without which is very hilarious get them both get them both get them one and uh and uh and also check out your podcast as well. And Mike Doty's EP, check that out too. Doty's going to send us away with a song as we say thank you so much to you guys. We love you so much. Doty, take it away. I hope that's going to work.
Starting point is 01:21:17 I just sort of, this is like a last minute. I love it. Do it. When all the limbs are numb and clean and you're in transit dream to dream Well, I'll be there to lift you lazy bones When all the world has lain and sank And money sleeps inside the banks will i be there to lift you lazy bones Cameraman's ways to remember how the eye dances
Starting point is 01:22:31 Drunkenness is a handheld scrambling down the dance scene I come stumbling, well I hear you have to take a shine And if I ran you random, I hear the rays fell upon mine Cool you in the maze with a handful of water Trucks encircling, bearing down, coming louder. If I could stay here under your idle caress and not exit to the world and phoniness and people. Lizzy bones. Lazy bones
Starting point is 01:23:31 Lazy bones When all the noise has left your head in the world, someday you rise off the bed and I'll be there to lift you lazy bones. Yes. Dude, that's my favorite. I'll take all of that. You got it. Thank you, Mike.
Starting point is 01:24:04 Literally the battery ran out. Perfect timing. Dude, you're the best, man. Mike Doty, thank you, Mike Birbiglia. Thank you, Nowhere Comics. Love you guys. Thank you so much for your time. Thank you to all of you.
Starting point is 01:24:19 Thank you, Nowhere Comics. Go to Ben Gleib's show tomorrow night. Oh, shit. We got to get back to work. Thank you. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Buck your downies.
Starting point is 01:24:48 Dumb people town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.

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