Dumb People Town - DPT LIVE - Neal Brennan and Chris Redd - I Do Meth

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Neal Brennan and Chris Redd. To kick off the show, Daniel reads some amazing headlines. In story one, a man makes a wild request from the police. In story two, we ask the age of old question... what did America get stuck inside themselves...

Star Beans, out of here. We'll make the news. Breaking down each epic fail. In Florida, there's half-price mail. I'm happy to say that you didn't make this up. So listen to our podcast. Ooh, we're losing steam. All right, good. A lot of people. Those gummies are kicking in. Nice work, guys.

I like it. And it's just one white guy and another white guy twice. All right, we're the same white guy twice. That's all we are. That's fine. That's fine. Randy, we're the same white guy twice. That's all we are. That's fine. Randy, what do you do back at Trader Joe's? As soon as they re-spack the chocolate pretzels. Should we start off?

Yeah, let's do it. Hey townies, welcome to a live Moontower episode of Dumb People Town! Population U. Feels so good. Dan looks like he's a bench coach for the Milwaukee Brewers in 1982. A loud clapper.

That's the clap. Dan's got the loudest clap. Dan's looking for a lot of hustle tonight. Look alive, look alive, boys. We're all looking alive, Dan. Dan, you look like you teach youth at risk how to box. Fuck yeah, dude.

And I hit back. Whether they want it or not. You like that? That's what I say a lot. Your parents signed the waiver. Get over here. On Dan's boxing website, it says, it's not bullying if it's coaching.

Right. It's not bullying if you signed up. Yeah. You haven't been at risk until now, bitch. Yeah. Hop, hop, hop.

Love up. Hustle up. Hustle up. I have an edited version of the karate kid that's just the Cobra Kai scene. It's just that. All their wins.

All their wins. Just one guy in the back. Yeah! Get him a body bag! That guy died, by the way. So they literally had to get that guy a body bag. They did. You think that's his last words?

Get me a body bag! Get me a body bag! Yeah! And then the other guy pops up from behind you. Sorry. Too soon? Not soon enough. I say not soon enough.

Oh my God, it is so great to be here in a covered patio. We're hanging out with Jason on his last day as an accountant. Guys, I'm gonna let it loose. He's like, write me up for untucking it. I don't care. Yeah, bitch.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't live there anymore. I don't work there anymore, motherfuckers. The good news is all of you are in line for Franklin Barbecue. So that's nice. Is that still open? You want to jump into this show? Yeah, let's jump into the show.

We got so much to do. We got a great guest. As always, we like to start out these shows with headlines. These are stories that get sent in by our townie faithful that the headline is all you need and really there wasn't much else anyway. So it's just an amuse-bouche of dummies.

Okay, here we go. We should be able to jump to that next headline that says headlines. It's a slide. Perfect. Come on, guys. This isn't South by Southwest. Let's go. Austin, tech capital of the world.

Okay. Oh! Some would say not worth it. They'd be right. Okay. Dan, I love that it's a headline of a newspaper on top of a computer. Right. I could watch this shit online, but I'm going to do it old school.

Right. What's the headline in this newspaper? Headlines. Okay. Car. Market. All right. Okay, ready? We're all good.

Yep, we're ready. Did we already see the next thing? We saw this one. Oh, that's fine. We can show it. Let's show it. Oh, God. That's the hardest transition I'd show it. Oh, God. That's the hardest transition I've ever seen in my entire life.

Or it's the best. Who's going into who? I don't know. This is Randy in my Halloween costume this year. For the listener at home, this is the first time I've ever looked at two people and just said, reverse cowgirl. Okay.

Cowgirl. Leave the hat on. All right. You can leave your hat on. Weirdest song ever. This was sent in by Jason Peters at Jeepster12. Thank you, Jason. Here's the headline.

You probably could have already figured this out just by the photo. Woman exposes herself in Naples restaurant husband asks to go to jail too oh that's the definition of codependence right there can I be honest?

no he didn't want to go to jail but she fucking jaded him she gave him the look she gave him the look and he's like I gotta fucking go to jail too. Alright. She's like, my boyfriend would go to jail for me. Alright, he's like, I gotta go. Is it weird? There's a part of me that says, like, that's sweet love.

Yeah. Like, the two of them are like, you're going, I'll go with you. That's like how you, essentially, going to jail with your partner is the Florida version of a promise ring. I'm gonna tell you, my wife didn't even come with me to her sister's daughter's bat mitzvah.

I wanted you to stop at me so bad. Didn't even come with me once in our entire experience. Let me ask you, is it a conjugal visit if you're both there? Yeah, right? It's just a visit.

No one's visiting. It's just a conjugal moment. Do you think their vows were just for worse or worse? Yes. It was for 15 years to life. You want to do another headline? Yes. Let's see that headline logo. Jump a slide.

Yes! Do you also feel like this picture was taken when somebody in their 20s, 20 years ago, was trying to tell their boss at the newspaper, like, I really think this is all just going to the internet and then their boss was like they'll always be this and he threw the paper down threw it right on that compact computer okay yeah there's like every key is like f12 f14 like i've never seen an f18 that's because you don't follow i see I see someone with a PC, I'm like, love yourself.

I see someone with a PC trying to plug it in a coffee shop. There's always the cord and then some giant long rectangular. And then more cord. And then more cord. Why is that thing not at the end? I was like, I'm sorry, I'm tripping over your transformer box to take a piss. Do you buy a PC? Wait, I'm sorry, you need three over your transformer box to take a piss. Do you buy a PC? I'm sorry, you need three extension cords

to plug this thing in? When you buy a PC at Best Buy, which is I think the only place still selling it. No, they do sell them still at Circuit City. And you're under the age of 65. Do you think they have a policy where they have to ask you, really?

Yes. Cut to some very smart tech nerds who are part of our town who being like actually actually actually and also for gaming I get it we're not talking about gaming we're talking about idiots with acers

okay dude the Samsung Galaxy is way better than an iPad shut the fuck up shut the fuck up and walk away. Actually, the Google Pixel allows you to. Shut the fuck up and get the. There was a while where Galaxies knew they were so bad, just like a Vietnam protester, they set themselves on fire.

That's right. They just started blowing up. Actually. Okay, here's the headline. Stay with me. All right. Prison officer. I know. Look at these two.

Prison officer. That's Vin Unletted, not Vin Diesel. Do you think the cop looked at her and was like, I'm not trying to neg you, but are you tired? She looks like she's melting. Okay. trying to nag you, but are you tired? She looks like she's melting. She has definitely had enough of this shit.

Okay, so Darius Trucker and Droopy's mom. This is who Andre Agassi and Martina Navratilova are going as for Halloween this year. That's good. I bet they know every word to wagon wheel.

Prison officer caught whole in her trousers to have sex with an inmate nicknamed Cocky. Cocky. Look at, we got nothing but love up here today. I mean, the truth of this

is that he does not have a lot of confidence. You today. I mean, the truth of this is that he does not have a lot of confidence. You know what I mean? Yes. No, it's a huge deal. It's just a giant case. His joke is when someone asks him, how long are you in for?

He's like, two minutes and 18 seconds. Pretty good. That's a good one. Pretty good. I give him credit. Pretty good run. He's got your haircut, Dan. But what if he's like,

my name's cocky and I don't want it. It's like those psychics who are like, I don't want this power. How do you, how do you, how do you build up to being like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna cut holes in,

a hole in my pants. And also like, if you have a roommate, imagine explaining, what are you doing? I like him. He's different. Just shut up.

Look at the wall and keep making toilet wine. I'm doing this. There are also people, I like him. He's different. Just shut up. Look at the wall and keep making toilet wine. I'm doing this. There are also people, God bless people, and their fetishes that everyone consents and nobody gets hurt unless they're consenting to the pain. That's right. But the people who are probably hearing this right now being like, I don't know.

Fucking somebody threw bars in a hole in their pants is pretty goddamn hard. I mean, it's how the Orthodox Jews make things. If you want to be technical, next year in Jerusalem, next year in your asshole. I don't know if I said it, that was sent in by Jake Grohny. At Jake Grohny. Stick around, make a sound, there's more at Old People's Town. Alright, should we bring out our guest?

Let's bring out our guest. We should bring out our guest. This dude, I mean, look, we could just say Saturday Night Live and then we could also say his stand up, but he's a friend of the show. Busted, yeah. Do it all.

So many projects going on right now. One of the best dudes. An amazing guy from Chicago. An amazing guy in comedy. And an amazing guy all the way around. Would you please welcome him? See him on The Living Wake tomorrow night with Daniel Bancurk. But would you please welcome our friend Chris Redd.

Come on, Chris! My guy. I love this guy. I love this guy. There it is. Austin. Right? What an interesting alley y'all found. That's right. Many drug deals going down in this alley as we speak.

Last time I was in Austin, I bought crack in this alley. They're like, you're going to be performing between two restrooms. Have a good time. Have a good time. And by the way, you, like every person in Austin, remembers the time when they used to do something shitty somewhere as the good time. Remember when we used to buy crack in this alley? It was way better back then.

It was way cooler. It was way cooler. It was way cooler back then. We call that the good time. Remember we used to buy crack in this alley? It was way better back then. It was way cooler. Way cooler. We call that the Austin 15. It takes 15 seconds for someone who's from Austin to tell you how great Austin used to be. That's the Austin 15. Oh, I thought the Austin 15 was when you do drugs and lose 15 pounds. That's right, that is.

I don't do drugs. For anyone who doesn't know me well, which is most of y'all niggas. I don't do drugs for anyone who doesn't know me well, which is mostly y'all niggas. I Mean I just came out here real quick with a crack joke And it set the record straight. I mean that was straight up a wisecrack Out the gate out the gate at Sklar brothers. All right Now Chris you've done the show before Did we do it in San Francisco?

Is that what we did? Yeah, we did it in Sketchfest. So as you know, and maybe you have forgotten either way, we love to play a game called the Florida Man Birthday Game where we find out what Florida Man did on your birthday. The internet, unless it's changed, the internet told me that your birthday was, oh, I didn't have it in it. October?

No. March. March 19th? 25th. You are so wrong. I got it in three. I got it in three. You're lucky we're not dating, nigga.

Otherwise, you'd be in the doghouse right now. You know, people say this, Dan, though. March 25th is the October 19th of spring. It is. You know what? It kind of is. It kind of spring. It is. You know what? It kind of is. It kind of is. It's like the joke

we wrote on our 1997 MTV show about horoscopes. Something, like something good or bad may or may not happen to you in the near

or distant future. That's so Capricorn. It is so Capricorn. It's a good joke. 1997 writing. All right. Still works. Still works.

Okay. Let's go to the next slide. We'll go to one more just because I put the time in. Which Florida man? Okay. I'll tell you when to go to the next one.

It looks like a gun and a penis. All right. Good. Both. Next one. Next one. All right.

Perfect. March-tober. Nope. Go back. Uh-oh. I'll tell you when, brother. Okay. I storm out.

If we can't do the fucking slides. All right. Come on, bench coach. Uh-oh. I'll tell you when, brother. Okay. I storm out. If we can't do the fucking slides. All right. Come on, bench coach. Let's do it. Let's do it. All right, let's go. Okay, here we go. Chris Redd, March 25th is your birthday.

Here is your headline. Florida woman charged with battery after allegedly throwing pizza at an employee. Oh. Oh, how hard was this pizza? Right. And how big of a slice is battery? Because if you're talking like tombstone pizza and it's just the corner, that's not even. Yeah, man.

Hold on. Who's in a food fight and it's like, battery? You're like, who? What the fuck? But if you had a whole pizza and you rolled it up and just started. Dude, I was going to say, pizza whipping some fool. A pizza slice is battering. A calzone, a salt. Yes.

Yes. Sure. Well, maybe the cheese was hot and it was, you know what I'm saying? It was like a fresh... Which is a waste of food. Which is a waste of food. So this woman has to be crazy. Yeah.

I'm going to read you the blurb. And doing well in her life. Exactly. Newport, in her life. Exactly. Newport, Ritchie, Florida. A Pasco County woman has been charged with battery after deputies say she chucked pizza slices at a pizza maker who was found covered in tomato sauce. That's a little much.

I mean... It's not blood. Wait, so he dyes all the cheese. Yes. But the tomato sauce was lingering right right what kind of fucking pizza is this clearly a bad one she was throwing slices i also like the idea she was chucking them like the hardest version of yeah right also if somebody's throwing multiple pieces of pizza at you the first one hits you fine every piece Every piece after that, that's not you. That's your fault, though. You're like, oh man, where's this pizza

coming from? Right here? Oh, what should I do? Oh, it's that woman. Battery! Bop, bop, bop. This feels like, or he, or she was just flinging him like that scene in Boogie Nights where they're just throwing the firecrackers down. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little Molina action. Got to get him. A little Thomas Jane. That's right.

The dispute happened around 1.30pm Friday at a pizza shop. This was middle of dispute happened around 1.30 p.m. Friday at a pizza shop. This was middle of the day? 1.30 p.m. P.M. What happened to this lady? She had a bad morning. I would say she had

a bad whole night before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We haven't gone to bed. It happened at a pizza shop on 7th Springs Boulevard in Newport, Ritchie. Investigators say Seattle?

How would you say S-Y-E-T-A? Ciata? Ciata. I wouldn't, dog. I just got a Hyundai Ciata. And it's a really sensible car. It is. It has no trunk. Ciata Salim

bought a pizza that she claims made her son throw up, prompting her to demand a refund and then start throwing pizza at the employee. I love that nobody's like, we had a bad meal. Let's not go back here. No, it's like, I'm going to make this right now. Also, the son could just be like, mom, I'm allergic to cheese.

She's like, no, no, no, this is on this pizza place. You're going to eat this fucking pizza. He's going to eat it, and he's going to eat it. I'm going to fucking make it right, son. Alright, you wanna jump into a story? Let's jump into a story. Should we jump into a story with Chris Redd, everybody? Full story.

For my friend running the slides, let's jump up to slide number 12, please. It should be the DPT logo. Alright. Boom, boom, boom. We'll come back to all... That's our girl, by the way. We'll come back later, too. Alright. Here we go. Wait, hold on. Before we bring her up, we have come back to all. That's our girl, by the way. We'll come back later, too. All right. Here we go. Wait, hold on. Before we bring him up, we have our second guest here. Should we bring him up on stage? Oh, let's do that.

You guys want to have our second guest on stage? Let's go back and slide. Just made his way from his amazing one-man show. He's just one of the best comedians to do it today, our friend, Neil Brennan! Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give it! Come on! Give it! I'll take it.

I'll take it. I got another Neil Brennan hug. I feel like Neil Brennan will be wearing shape-up shoes when he's 80. You know those shoes that curl underneath that give you a workout as you're walking? Yeah, they're great. Big Jagger shoes. I thought people only wore those as jokes. No, no.

Neil, how was the show? What part of standing ovation don't you fucking people understand? What part of... I like to open up very off-putting. You know, first I gotta say I love the acoustics in here.

It's great. Is this a crypto summit? No, no. It's an opportunity. If you'll just pay attention. Don't you love how you ask anybody how crypto works and even the people who are deeply into it are like, well, there's a thing

and they can't explain it at all. All they can say is it always goes up, bro. And blockchain. And no governments. No governments are involved. And look, I don't have to know how it works. I just know that it's a thing that you put your money into. So you have to still use your regular money. I didn't say that. I don't fucking know.

Let's go to slide number nine, please. Or ten. We can go to ten. Guest, Neil Brennan. Your birthday, according to the internet, is October 19th. Yes. Not March 25th? No, that's Chris's. Not anymore. You changed it, right? You changed it for a while.

What? No. You weren't here for this bit. Late to a bit? What? So we do a thing where we start off with our guests where we find out what a Florida man did on your birthday. So on October 19th of whatever year, here's your headline.

Florida man accused of using Kool-Aid packets to steal nearly $1,000 in Walmart merchandise so this guy took all of his shit up to the front and he did the self-checkout and he just kept scanning a Kool-Aid packet for every

item that he that man deserves everything he got that's a fucking genius and a Nobel Prize this feels racist to me everything he got. That's a fucking genius. And a Nobel Prize. This feels racist to me. Here, let's take a look at him. Go to the next slide. He's white.

Is it racist? No. That's our girl from Christmas. Yeah, mine's a pizza. Oh! He loves tango and cash. You can tell. This former wrestling coach is constantly telling people she'll be back. Yeah, that's right.

You know, he looked like the first thing he said when he put that jumpsuit on was, whoo, a v-neck. Yeah, thank God. Very happy. Thank God. I can lift that. Bradley Young was charged with grand theft and shoplifting after Collier County Sheriff's Office deputies said he hid

the powdered drink packets in his hand, so he palmed it, while scanning expensive items. In turn, each item he scanned at self-checkout rang up as only 24 cents each. That's genius. You know what's fucked up? That's the most prison-y shit you can do.

And somehow he did it at a Walmart. Yeah, he did it at a Walmart. I have some good news for you, friend. You're going home. Whatever you're doing at a Walmart is going to work in your next destination. That's right. 100%.

You like bars? You're going to be behind a bunch of them. I just want to know where he was at when he came up with the idea. Like, did he just wake up in the middle of the night and be like, Kool-Aid package? Like, package like how he's like I scanned it I just hand it what crime have I committed sir did I not scan Dan there are probably 14 to 18 people in this audience right now we're like I'm gonna try this but a hundred percent

just once and I won't get greedy I I won't go for like $2,000. Can I ask a question of the ladies? How many ladies would have fucked this guy in your 20s? Not now, but in your 20s, you know you would have. A hundred percent. Now, how many of you same ladies would have fucked this guy knowing what he did in your 40s?

Now, how many of y'all would have fucked a lady chucking pizza? I guess you can't say that in 2022. You can't answer that question. Alright, let's go to the next slide, number 12. I'm going to read you guys the headline. This was sent in by Liz Haggerty

at Liz Haggerty. Gentlemen, Liz Haggerty. Love her. Florida man asked cops to test his meth. Alright. I mean, what's wrong with that?

How do you know if it's good? That's right. That sounds like a threat. Like he meant to say suck my dick and he's like test my meth,

motherfucker. And his brain's like no, dude. No, no, no. No, dude. No. No, no, the opposite. But cops know meth and they're around a lot of meth,

so that's a guy who would be an expert. That's a great point. That's stupid. Can you get high for the little, like, the pinky touch? I've always wondered this. I think you can tell the strength of the drug. You're like, ooh, that's... Ooh, they got a kick. That's spicy.

Spicy. Oh, is that cinnamon? You really haven't done drugs. I haven't. I want it. I had to prove it. I've always wondered that. March 11th. Concerned that the meth he had purchased was actually bath salts, a Florida

man asked police to test his stash, a request that resulted in arrests on multiple drug charges. Where'd you get it from? Bath and Body Works? What the fuck? Yeah, doesn't he not know there's other ways to test it? Yes, exactly.

Like try it. Or ask the dealer you bought it from. Exactly. Well, it's not like they're going to tell you. Yeah, it's bath sauce. My bad, dog. I ripped your arm. I'm going to be honest.

It's not my best work. I'm not proud of this. It's my my best work. I'm not proud of this. It's my bad, dog. They can't all be winners. Opens his jacket. All sales final. He's like, sorry, bro. Do you have a receipt?

I would like to help you, but I can't. Yeah, no, I'd love to refund your money. I was just here. I don't remember you, dog. I'm on meth. According to investigators, No, I'd love to refund your money. I was just here. I don't remember you, dog. I'm on meth. You already be wondering. According to investigators, Thomas Colucci.

Thomas Colucci. Colucci. Dialed 911 last night and requested that a sheriff's deputy be dispatched to his residence in Spring Hill, a Tampa suburb. Colucci explained that he, quote, wanted law enforcement to test

methamphetamine that he had just bought. Imagine that call with the dispatcher. How can I help you? You guys got to get down here. Yeah. What do you need? I need you to help me with my drugs. Why? There's gonna be a man on drugs here any minute. In about five minutes. I need to know. When deputies met with Colucci, he explained that he had just purchased meth from a man named JJ at a local bar. Sounds about right. All of it checks out.

Every city got a JJ. That's right. It checks out a little too much. But after using some of the drug, Colucci became concerned that the substance was bath salts, the synthetic stimulant. If you do... Wait a minute.

He gave me bath salts. Also, if you do any sort of drug and then you start to wonder, should I call the cops to find out if my drug is working? It's working. Also, he didn't call the hospital. No. He was like, I don't care what it's doing to me didn't call the hospital no no it was like i don't care what it's doing to me i don't know what what if i got ripped off or not also and i think in his brain

he's like i already called the crime stoppers he's like i'm gonna go get this jj right for fucking me over how dare he i hope he had one friend who was like you should call the cops man like just the shittiest friend in the world. Well, I heard meth head friends aren't the greatest friends. They're not the most reliable. No. No. They're tough. They're not the most reliable. Hey, guys, I have a Rick James story. Let's hear it.

Let's hear it. Bonus. Let's hear it. I heard a story that Todd Bridges, who you may know from Growing Pains. Different Strokes. All of those. Was a very bad crackhead. Was he really? Yeah. And at one point, Rick James went to his house to do a one-man intervention and said,

I need to confiscate all of your crack immediately. When Rick James comes to your house. Yeah. He robbed him. He just took his crack. That's all. He just pretended it was an intervention. He just stole his crack. He just pretended it was an intervention. He just stole his crap.

He peered the crag. Yeah, that's right. It's less of an intervention and more of a B&E while he's there. So we went, do you know that Rick James is buried in Buffalo? Like, I did not know that. We found out that he was buried. We're like, how is this not on the airport in Buffalo? It's like, welcome to Buffalo.

Rick James is buried here. Bitch. Bitch, whatever. But we go to his grave and there's like, people obviously show up at his grave. There are like

leis at his grave. Hawaiian leis. Yeah, we're like, because no one repped Hawaii more than Rick James. Yeah. But there was like

trash and Mardi Gras beads and we're like, what was artfully placed here versus what just blew in from the highway? And then we're like, I can't placed here versus what just blew in from the highway and then we're like i can't think of a better tribute to the man's life because how many parties did he have in his house where he was like who did i invite and who just blew it from

the highway right yeah probably most yeah i like the show i went to visit the grave i don't i don't do that type of shit because i always feel like somebody's like you next. You know, but I was raised in a different household. So Tommy Colucci, he tells the cops he purchased this from JJ at a local bar. But after using some of the drug, he thought it was something else. Cops say Colucci described himself as, quote, an experienced drug user who knew what it should feel like upon ingesting the meth. So I love that. The cops get there and he starts bragging about himself.

I do meth. You think I'd call you down here if I didn't do meth? No, I would've lost my phone if I did meth, but here I am being a responsible citizen. Show me the respect a meth head deserves.

What was that? None. You think my electric bill wouldn't be pink if I didn't do meth? I'm a very decorated meth user. I made lieutenant of meth last year. I haven't had a headboard in 25 years. Motherfuckers. My headboard,

I sold that long ago On the street Not this eBay pussy shit Look at this house You see what I've done with aluminum foil on these windows I'm not a meth head I bought meth with a window painted half a Nutri-Grain bar Bitch you don't tell me shit

I stole my own copper piping Look at all this kitty litter. I don't even have a fucking cat. I've done so many drugs today, there's a spider on your face and I'm not even saying anything about it. I don't have one fork, but I've got 8,000 spoons. Who fucking does that?

Who? What do you want, these lighters? So he says, I know what it should feel like. I love that. Just be indignant with the cops into the crime you're committing. So he allegedly provided deputies with two small baggies containing a crystalline substance, expecting that the contents

would be tested by law enforcement. Go ahead. Test it. Go ahead, test it. Colucci said he did not want other consumers to purchase fake meth from the dealer. Yeah. He's doing it for the kids, right? Just looking out.

He's really a people person. That's right. At the end of the day. He's a hero. He's a hero. Most drug users are selfish. I'm a meth head, but I'm also a consumer advocate. He started a Yelp page for JJ.

He's like, here's what to expect if you're getting drugs from JJ. This is the first meth head activist I've ever heard of. He called the cops and he's like, I'm worried about JJ. He said, I did not know JJ's full name or have his contact information.

He did not possess such things. Colucci wanted deputies, quote, to put the person in trouble for peddling the narcotics you know what we have to give a shout out to jj for remaining anonymous as fuck through all this he made he made his whole situation unsnitchable you know how hard that is with the internet he's so good they don't even give the name of the bar that's how good he is he's like where you at a bar wait i also love that this guy went to the word possess.

Like, you know when someone's fucked up and they're talking to, like, authorities, they're, like, slip in one big word. You use some police words. One big police word. We need to apprehend JJ. Right. Wank.

Well, what are we going to do about this? Do I ride along with you guys? You and I are so different after all, officer. You should commandeer the rest of his stash. Halfway through his description, he's like standing between the cops and he's like on their side and like riding in their path. Yeah. He offers to drive. Let's go right now.

I'll drive. I mean, but could y'all imagine if they actually caught JJ? You just see this meth head watching him get arrested. Like, I told you, brother. You should have watched out. Got you. So he wanted to get him in trouble. A field test of the material provided by Tommy Colucci

showed that... By the way, I'm not sure he's not JJ. This is like a usual suspect. I'm not positive. He's not sure he's not JJ We need to find JJ Look I'll call JJ's phone right now The call's ringing in the house

No Okay I'm JJ damn Just trying to grow my business You guys talk to a lot of methods I need my Kool-Aid friend in prison Field tests contain that it did It did contain meth I talked to a lot of meth friends. I made my Kool-Aid friend in prison. Field tests contained that it did contain meth, according to the Hernando County Sheriff's Office.

All this to find out it is meth, obviously. Oh, thank God. All this and he's not right. That's so good. As a result, Colucci was arrested on felony drug possession charge and a pair of misdemeanor drug paraphernalia counts. Colucci was released from the county jail at 5.30pm today after posting a

$7,000 bond. Wow. He is definitely JJ. What method you know keeps money? That's crazy. He's definitely walking around with JJ money, if you know what I mean. Colucci was convicted in 2019 of slamming his SUV into another vehicle.

They just threw this in to be mean. They're making Colucci look bad. Man, they're trying to besmirch Colucci. Do you think the whole time they were arresting him, he's like, what are you guys doing? I'm not the problem here. JJ. No, speaking of all your mistakes, little motherfucker. Let's go through them.

He ran into somebody that was getting gas. That's what he ran his truck into. When confronted by cops, Colucci said his bought alcohol content was measured at twice the legal limit. Okay. So the cops go, they pull him over. They go, you just ran into somebody getting gas. We had to follow you and get you to pull over. He said,

quote, look, I've been drinking. I don't know what you want from me. Honestly, that's the realest motherfucking answer. I let him drive away. At that point, I'm like, if I could be white for a day, I would just

live to be that. Wait, what do you just said? Man, if I could be white for a day, I would just do it to say that to a police officer. Yo, I'm drunk. What do you want from me? That's so real. You know he threw the keys

when he did that. What? You drive it then, bitch. He starts walking down the street. Sir, I don't need this shit. Sir. I'm an American. Sir. I'm so sick of your shit. You're right. I am so sick of the police. You're under arrest. No, you're under arrest. Sir.

He starts giving them first names. Fuck you, Dave. Fuck you. My name is not Dave. It's Dave, you son of a bitch. Or JJ. All right, we're going to play a game. How old is Thomas Colucci? What age do you think a guy

has $7,000 bond to bail himself out? Let's see him one more time. Can we see him? We haven't seen him yet. No, no, no. We'll wait. I'm going to go... I'm going to go. I'm going to go. Think of everything you know about this son of a bitch. 51. Oh, you're going up.

And he's overweight. Okay. Despite the meth and everything. He's over cheap. He loves food. He loves fried food. You know he loves fried food. And he's Polish.

Kaluchy. Kaluchy. Kaluchy. So 51, a little over 8, not a great head of hair. I'm going to say 33. And he's spotty. You know how

meth heads get spotty after a while. Yeah, I got you. He thinks I'm immune to the cops and also what type of guy says to cops, I'm drunk, what do you want from me? We're going 33. Jason Sklar. I'm going to the cops, and also what type of guy says to cops, I'm drunk, what do you want from me? We're going 33. I'm going to say he's 40.

Like, hey Judd Apatow, this is 40. And I'm going to say he is super thin. Like, crazy thin. The kind of thin that you're like, if you're a little overweight, you're like, God, I wish I was thin, and then you see him and you're like, I'm okay. I'm actually alright with how I am. Hey man, if you're a little overweight, you're like, God, I wish I was thin. And then you see him and you're like, I'm okay.

I'm actually all right with how I am. Hey, man, fuck you. Jesus. I am so sick of your shit. This has been boiling up for years. Let's get it out. Let's get it out. Neil Brennan, a.k.a. JJ.

I think he's 28 years old. 28 years old. Saturn's returning for this guy. Okay. Is there a couple townies in the audience? Raise your hand if you would like to guess how old you think. I saw your hand right here. Tell me your name.

Janessa. Janessa, welcome to town. How old do you think Thomas Colucci is? 54. 54 years old. I used to sound old. I saw a couple more hands right here. It's Florida. What'succi is? 54. 54 years old. I saw a couple more hands right here. It's Florida. What's your name? Hold on, what was it?

Caitlin. 45. Right here, Dixie Cup in the front. What's your name? 47. Trevor? You're going to say 45 and also 47? She said 45. There's a woman begging

me to go. She wants to creed it up and go higher. Begging is extreme. Okay. Now do you see what I mean? Yeah. I'm joking. What do you want me to do? I'm going to show your honor I was not begging. Okay. Chill. 73 years old. Yo. I'm joking what do you want me to do okay chill

73 73 years old yo I would respect this man if he was 73 he's like buddies with Robert Durst one of two choices be a Walmart greeter or go on meth and maybe this is what he's doing okay one of you on this stage

is only one year off so now all of you have the option is only one year off. So now all of you have the option to go up a year or down a year. What would you like to do with your guess of 51? I want to go. I'm going to stay firm, even though it's not right. I love it.

I'm a very defensive person. You don't quit on you. That's thin guy confidence. I'm a thin firm. Chris? I said 33. I'll go 34. 34?

I'm going to be 39 and holding. I'm going to go 28. I'm going to go 27. 27? Thomas, what do you want from me, Calucci? Is 41 years old.

Let's hit that slide. Take a look at this guy. We'll go to the next slide and we get to get a good look at him. Neil! That's a big- get a good look at him. He's not thin at all. Hey, hold on. That's a big-ass meth head. I nailed him. I nailed this fucking clown.

I'm in his head, this fucking guy. That's a swole-ass meth head, bro. That goes against every stereotype of meth heads I've ever learned. He loves eating. I mean, he looks like a cop, though. I think he looks like a friendly guy who's just gone a little bit weird in his life.

I think he looks alright. Is that your brother, Mo? No. Hey, hey, hey. Easy, easy. Growing up, we called him JJ. This guy looks like he wakes up and starts breathing hard.

You know what I mean? For sure. He looks like every time he looks in the mirror, he's like, you're under arrest. Oh, wait, that's me. That's me. This guy's a diary and he writes the same thing every night. I want a boat. There you go. It definitely looks like he's looked at a woman and said,

I'd stop grabbing your arm if you'd stop walking away. Oh, shit. It looks like he's looked at a woman and said, I'd stop grabbing your arm if you'd stop walking away. I don't like him. I don't like him. I don't like him. We're not condoning that. No. Is that first story?

That is our first story. First story. I like that. For our folks at home, we'll be right back after this. Stick around. Make it sound. For more folks at home, we'll be right back after this. Stick around. Make it sound. Four more Dumb People Town. Hey, welcome back to the show, everybody.

We're back. Now this, okay, this is a treat to do. This is our last story that we'll do in the night, but it's got a lot of stuff in it. No pun intended. Dan, explain this. Well, first, we should do some plugs. Where are you guys going to be? Where do people want to tell everybody that they are?

Neil, are you on the road right now? Oh! Yes, what's happening? Yeah, I'm going to be in Austin tomorrow. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, I'm on the road. NeilBrennan.com. N-E-A-L-B-R-E-N-N-A-N.com. Go see him, America. Doing the one-man show on the road. Doing my one-man show on the road. Doing my one-man show. Fucking amazing.

Neil Brennan, everybody. Go see him. Go see him. My sad-ass stand-up trombone. Here it comes. I love it. That's so good. I like when it gets sad.

My fellow Chicago guy, Christopher Redd. Oh, wow. You said my full name like an angry mother. Christopher Redd. I'm only going to give you 12 minutes to tell everybody what you're working on right now my favorite recent Chris Redd tweet was you have friends

or family members who are like yo man you wanna hang out Saturday night you're like you don't know what I do at all no it's real it's both family members and friends after five and a half years they still hit me up on Saturday like yo come outside outside, B.

Outside where? My dressing room? Nigga, what are you talking about? Right now, currently, I'm finishing up SNL, but please go watch Bust Down on Peacock.

I know it's a dumb name for an app. Just download it. It's a good show. I'm going to be at Stateside Theater here in Austin, and then I'll be in New York for a little while

I am chrisred.com I'll have all my dates hit me up boys we're going to be in Portland at Helium on the 12th of May and then in Seattle at the Crocodile

but we're doing our show Tag It Here Tomorrow Night which is a stand up show that I love so much. So our friends come on stage and they do their sets and Jay and I are off in the corner writing tags. We come up on stage

and we pitch them the jokes on stage. One of my favorite nights in the improv ever was Neil Brennan. It was like a weird audience and the three of us got on stage

and we all just tried out jokes that we were thinking about. And then tried to tag each other's jokes. Do you remember that? Yeah, of course. So much fun. Wonderful. That's exactly what this show is because so many

times, and this has happened to us so many times at the Improv or wherever, come on stage and I'm like I love where you're going with that. I thought you were going to go here. Have you ever tried this? And you're like, oh shit, that's great. And you've given us some of our favorite tags that we use in our acts. So thank you, Neil Brennan. Wonderful. Look at that camaraderie.

Superscleras..com I am on tour right now I'll be in like San Antonio, New Orleans Mobile, Asheville Atlanta a whole bunch of places that's all at danielvancurk.com I can't wait I can't wait but if you're listening to this as I'm saying it at the

festival tomorrow night we are doing the living wake of Chris Red it is going to be a night of comedy memories and friendship So if you want to come out and see someone be told how much they are loved while being really funny while they're still around To hear it. You can come see that tomorrow night. It's gonna be extremely uncomfortable for me Gonna be one of them. Okay every year We have a wonderful tradition on this show. We did not get to do live shows for quite a while, so I've held on to this for months. Every year, a report comes out that states all the things we got stuck inside of ourselves last year.

It's great. Now, we are going to keep the tradition going by running down the list of what did America get stuck in themselves last year. Let's go to the next slide. This was sent in by Michael Burris. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. Merry fucking Christmas.

I got to say, this is a very great invite. This is the definition of Secret Santa. This is my save the date. This is the weirdest way to tell someone you're having a baby. I always say this. Anytime someone gets something stuck inside themselves, there is a lot of trust involved. It was either with them or someone else,

but they trusted someone. Also, think about the fucking candy cane. How they got that... All it had to be twisted in. What were you trying to accomplish with the candy cane? It's like when you try to move a couch around a corner. Pivot.

This was sent in by Michael Burris. That's a whole jar, though. That's crazy, Sam. Those are preserves. The weird thing is it's a jar full of piss. Put it back! Put it back! Where'd my jar full of piss go? This was sent in by Michael Burris

at Mikey B Style. I will read what's written here. Last year, we were learning how to live in quarantine. This year, that'd be 2021, we've perfected it. Boredom, curiosity, horniness, and an awful lot of time stuck at home have combined to make it a banner 12 months of shoving objects inside ourselves

that cannot be removed without the aid of a trained professional. Here now, the, my God. The annual tradition of recounting the weirdest stuff hospitals have found in America's holes. All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission database.

All right. But in truth, like, hospital workers have had to deal with so much. That shit is insane. I'm going to show my mama that. Let's see how that fits. This red just took a picture of that she's like what is this like i'm gonna explain in detail that's it all descriptions are verbatim

as they were entered in medically for the patient when they arrived as always objects are sorted by orifice working south let's go to the next logo. Should be our own logo. We're gonna start out with ear. You can hit the next slide when I say it. First thing, Christmas light bulb. A Christmas light bulb. Yeah. Feel free to show that slide. Oh my god.

They got this stuck in their ear? Yeah, their ear. Next slide. We will now go. I will read these off. I'll let you know when to hit that slide. I mean, lights are like children. They're supposed to be seen and not heard. Am I right? Sure. Melatonin gummy. You guys, I'll tell you when there'll be slides, you goofballs. Melatonin gummy. Espresso beans. Okay. Quote, was at school today when she had a pencil in her left ear and broke the eraser off inside of her ear.

Patient also had another eraser placed in the right ear that happened three days ago. Oh. Yo, what kind of showing off is that? That is... I don't want to listen to anything you have to say ever. That's what that means. Yo, there's a different way to get rid of bad memories.

That's right. It's called therapy. Hairpin. Hairpin. Candypin. Hairpin. Candy wrapper. Hairpin is like you just missed. That's what that is. These two things are one patient, one ear.

Throw that candy wrapper away. Where? I don't know. Inside of me. Wherever. Toilet paper and apple seed. Wait, okay. Toilet paper I get.

They just wiped so hard, it disappeared? Right. Toilet paper and apple seed sounds like a weird children's book. It does. Toilet paper and apple seed. It's also one of my favorite 70s cop movies. Toilet paper. Toilet paper.

In my office. I know me from different places. Here's a quote. Patient and friend were playing with a BB gun. Patient grabbed some BBs off the ground in hand, tried to wipe them off near head. When one BB fell into his ear, when tried to remove, patient pushed it in further.

I'm sorry. Why are you wiping BB guns off on your head? Yeah, dog. And how do they fall into your ear? You're like wiping it like this? Yeah, let me get these dry. I've never dried anything off of my head. No. No.

Lollipop. Okay. That takes work. He's like, what if I suck the lollipop with my butthole? We'll get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. We'll get there. Next up, slide googly eye. Oh. I only say to remind everyone, go see

everything everywhere all at once. Is that the show on Hulu about the magician who knows shit about people? No. Oh, sorry. That's this in of itself. Okay, in and of itself. Have you seen that? Have I seen it? I feel like you were like, I was there.

The guy directed my show. What? You didn't know this? Yeah, Dairy Talk Audio directed the show. So there you go. Amazing show. David Wayne in the audience. Crying. Amazing. A match? Just a match? Sure. Quote, throwing beads at her friend

then threw one at herself and it lodged in her ear. Dog, these are not real. These are 100% real. These are in the butt? Where are these? These are in the ear. I thought we moved on to butt.

We haven't even gotten to butt yet. I thought we moved on to butt. Quote, while at recess... Can you fast forward to the butt section? Young man. While at recess, some friends broke apart a necklace and started throwing around the beads from the necklace

and one landed in patient's left ear unable to remove it. I'm sorry, are these people living as they fall down? Yeah. In the sky? I just don sky so on this wooden end of toothbrush oh my who's using a wooden toothbrush that's from my George Washington series piece of cake in their ear a literal piece a piece of cake that's a maybe a very fat person or like a wedding whatever you You can hit the next slide, whatever you want.

They're up there for you. You can look at it. You would see that the next one would be, go ahead, a piece of cake. Oh, it's like a four-layer cake? That's crazy. That's just what I pulled off the internet. I get a three-layer. Three-layer gets snug.

You understand a three-layer in the air. A three-layer is like, ooh, I can hear what the bread talk about. Four layer is just wasteful. I get it. I don't know who I'm talking... Who's doing the slides? Raise your hand. Who's the slide bender? If I give you one of these, just hit it for me. Just hit it. Okay, nice. Chopstick.

Yeah, sure. Why not? Sure, man. Sometimes your ears... Damn. Perfect. Yeah, perfect. Why not? Sure, man. Sometimes your ears... Perfect. Yeah, perfect. I didn't know this would be the most difficult part of the show. Dan's about to stick his computer in his ear. Patient states he was playing his bagpipes

and usually wears earplugs, but earplug got stuck in the ear and he cannot retrieve. That's how shitty he is at bagpipes. Does anybody have experience with sticking shit in your ear? Like, is it, does anybody secretly thinking right now? Like, I hope they don't ask us. Why, did anybody get anything stuck in themselves bad?

It's a safe place. Nothing will leave the room. We're not even in one. No, we're in an alley. I mean, the bagpipe shit sounded the most normal to me. Right, here. To me, I'm like, I thought playing the bagp shit sounded the most normal to me. Right, here. To me I'm like, I thought playing the bagpipes would be the worst thing about this guy. Yeah, true, sure. Mothball, eucalyptus oil, bleach, gasoline.

In the same ear? Is anything liquid stuck in your ear? Gasoline at these prices? I know, I was gonna say. Way to brag, that's a brag. I got gasoline in my fucking ear. I'm so rich. I got gasoline coming Way to brag. That's a brag. I got gasoline in my fucking ear. I'm so rich. I got gasoline coming out the ear.

$6 a gallon? Bitch, I'm making gasoline in the ear. Who did that, Bill Gates? I can't afford gas as it is. I wasted porn in my ear. Hot milk. Hot milk. Ew.

Okay, here we go. Oh, that's what that slide was for. It was hot milk. That makes sense. it's all coming together It's like memento, we do it backwards Put the end of a ballpoint pen in the ear canal It got lodged in, and then the prison staff Was not able to remove it

That's a short story Well, that makes sense, he's in prison He has nothing else to do That could have been in his ear while he was Fucking her with the hole in her thing Seashell, circus peanut, packing peanut, sticky putty. Quote, ear pain

after using candle wax and tweezers to remove something from ear. Oh my god. She's made it worse. A bean, a tic-tac, was playing with her hair and tried putting it up with a phone charger. States that the end of the charger went into her ear. Oh, shit.

What the... And this is only in Florida? No, no, no. This is the whole country. Yes, yes, it is. Are we sure that... I got here late. This is just Florida? What's going on? The whole country. Are we sure these people aren't animated? No, they're real. It's ball pump.

Cotton balls and plastic sword. Plastic sword? I know. It's ball pump. Cotton balls and plastic sword. Plastic sword. I know. It'll come up. Straight off a ham on rye. People don't love themselves, man. Playing with a toy wrestler and took out a small battery and was pretending it was an earring,

at which point it fell into his ear canal. That's not where the earring is. It's not. Noodles was tired of hearing her mother yell at her, so she decided to put some stickers in both ears. Her name is Noodles? No, that's just a thing. She put Noodles in. Noodles decided to, I'm like, what?

This last one for ear is all one ear. Aluminum foil, glitter, and rhinestones. Oh my god. I mean, that's a party, man. That's a party or that's Mariah Carey's party. We're gonna go on to nose. We're gonna go on to nose. We're gonna go on to nose. Aluminum foil. Right back where we left off. Rubber snake.

Pink balloon. Quote. You're gonna have to hear me. Stuck a hard poop up her nose. What? That she found in her sister's drawer in their bedroom. Wait, is this part of the... I'm sorry. Is this part of the Johnny Depp trial?

Yes. Yes, it is. Yes, it is. I told her, I texted her, I will throat you and fuck you like a demon when you get home today. So she was like, I know shit.

The Johnny Depp thing, as you're watching that, you're like, what accent is he trying to do? That's what I'm saying the whole time. You know what? This is not going to get a laugh. You know what accent he's always doing? Robin Williams. Really? Oh, you're right. Oh, yes. Mulch. Quote,

put metal wire up the right side of his nose in order to unclog his sinuses. It's causing bleeding. Yeah. Metal wire, dude. Metal wire. Well, that's stupid. That's the worst season of The Wire of all time.

I just want to say that. You going up in those sinuses? Potato chip bag. What? The whole bag? Zaps. Zaps. Do they not have trash cans?

I don't want to get a littering thing, Dad. This is not how you fight climate change. Candy corn. Gum wrapper. Quote, was picking her nose with a coffee stirrer, and it broke off in her nose. Oh, my God. She reports trying to get it out, but it went up further. Oh, God.

The next two are great. Dollhead. And then this. Bullet. Bullet. And then this. Bullet. Bullet. Oh, shit. Hey, listen, if you're trying to hide evidence, the nose is a great place for that. No one's gonna look up there.

Quote, was helping mom fold clothes and inserted white string into right nostril. I don't even know what that means. Could it be like a very dumb mobster where he's like, put a bullet in the guy's head and he shuts it in his mouth? Get up there! I'll jam it out there.

Soda can tab, dish soap, rock from fish tank. Quote, patient was attempting to pierce her own nose when she accidentally stuck a bead up her left nostril. Oh my God. That's not how you pierce your own nose. By the way, you don't pierce bead first, is what I'm saying. Cat food.

Quote, toy pill that expands into sponge dinosaur. Oh, no. Oh, shit. We do have a picture of that. Oh, shit. We do have a picture of that. Oh, fuck. Here's one that's so specific, and it's almost cute.

That's hilarious. Number eight button from the TV remote. The number eight. Lucky eight. That's such a troll. If your sister loves Channel 8. Yes. The number eight. Lucky eight. That's such a troll. If your sister loves Channel 8. Yes.

You get her ass. Or 888. Yeah. Guys, that's our HD channel. Last one for this is a quote. The last one for nose is a quote. Quote, with her parents, mom discovered a plastic bead stuck in right nostril. Twin sister has same problem. That's right.

I can relate to that. That's a good question. We buy that. They didn't even want that to happen, but it just does. We're going to go to throat. I've got a picture for the very first one. Was holding a pill in one hand and his earbud in the other. Got distracted.

Took the earbud instead. All right. Now, I can understand that. Talk about noise canceling. Folks, I'm walking out. Bye. This is all throat. We're on throat. Was at home eating popcorn while holding coins and mixed

them together? This is the thing. While holding coins? Why is that an activity, man? Man, you know I like to jiggle my coins while I'm eating popcorn. Hey, bro, can you come out to play? Man, you know I like to jiggle my coins while I'm eating popcorn. Hey, bro, can you come out to play? Nah, man, I'm holding coins right now. What are you doing with the other hand?

I'm eating popcorn. Nothing could possibly go wrong. But I love that this hand had to be occupied with something while this hand was doing the eating. Video game cartridge. Quote, was in hospital lobby chewing on a plastic bottle cap when she accidentally swallowed it. Okay. At least you're in the hospital.

That's right. Ring pop. Mood ring. Sim card. USB cable. Those are separate. Sim card, I believe. Sim card was definitely like somebody got caught cheating. This one? And had to hide some shit real fast. Show me the SIM card.

What SIM card? Oh, yeah. What SIM card? Quote, this one's rough. Inhaled a sewing needle in a plastic tube with a string attached when trying to use it as blow dart. Oh. As blow dart? You got to go in through the nose, out through the mouth when you're doing as blow dart. Oh. As blow dart?

You gotta go in through the nose, out through the mouth when you're doing a blow dart. Don't take a deep breath before you blow dart someone else. Swallowed a sewing needle. Do they live in a village? What is happening? Mirror, magnifying glass. This is what it says.

Several small fishing sinkers. What? Of course. What is that? Here we go. Ready? This is like the show alone. Jesus Christ. Was swinging on a swing and his brother threw some gravel

in his face and he inhaled some. Yeah. That's a good prank. That is classic kid shit. By the way, that's the best. Look at this kid. Yeah. Close your fucking mouth, child. That's right. This is how you learn. You don't be walking around with your mouth open like nothing could happen to you.

Like your brother's not going to throw gravel at you. I don't want to blame the victim here, but yeah. Cologne sample. Mom's birth controls. Oh. Wow. Someone wants a brother. Here's what I love.

It's like, when you get to the emergency room, just tell the doctor what you did. This next one, four words. Unknown amount of marbles. Just saying. That's that game, man. How many marbles are in me? The doctor couldn't figure out how many marbles was in this motherfucker?

Unknown amount. This one's weird. We have a picture of it. Sticky hand toy. Oh, yeah. Because you wanted to see it go down your esophagus. That's just so funny. Wait, how old was this person? It doesn't say, but I'm guessing 40s.

This looked delicious. Quote, was playing in a soccer game with friends, had a thumbtack in his mouth, and when he got excited, he aspirated the thumbtack. This is the weirdest version of Tupac from above the rim. Why do you have a thumbtack in your

mouth for fun? UL Washington used to play baseball with a toothpick in his mouth. Toothpicks make sense to me. Wrapped candy. This is one person. A golf pencil and five to eight

hair beads. That's a dare. We can just say wrapped candy. Wrapped candy. How much do you love a Snickers? That's right, just get it down. To not even open the shoe. I can't wait. This next one had better be a three-year-old.

Swallowed a penny because she says she is a human piggy bank oh that's a that's just right wing that's how they do that you gotta save money you know what i'm saying that's right per mom there's a quote again per mom she was looking for her car remote and said out loud where is the battery that goes in there? That's when the patient replied, I ate it. Oh. Hell yes. Yes. Ceiling tile. Oh my god. What? Ceiling tile. So somebody was like, that looked delicious.

Yeah. Looks like a rice cake. Looking up, dropped into the... Are we gonna get to dick hole at any point? We are gonna get to dick hole. We're gonna get there. Hello Kitty, guitar pick. Quote, he was drinking a soda and saw a nail at the bottom. States that kids placed two nails in the drink and he swallowed one of them. Oh, my God.

Small juggling ball, quarter used in magic trick. Poker chip, golf ball marker. Quote, trying to do a plastic bag challenge, fill the plastic bag with liquid and popping the bag while trying to swallow the liquid. Ended up swallowing a piece of the bag. By the way, the plastic bag challenge, what sickness was that? I think it's called suicide. Okay. That was to prevent suicide.

Christmas ornament. Three Christmas tree hooks. Three Christmas tree hooks. Five pointed star. Jingle bell. Quote, swallowed a water bottle cap. Normally pokes hole in cap and drinks through hole, but this time the cap came off when attempting to drink and swallowed the cap.

All right, let's get to the dick. Let's get to the penis. We're coming up to B. Engagement ring. Are we in the dick? We're in the dick hole? We're in the dick hole. Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen.

We're in the dick hole. We're in the penis. You made it in the dick hole. Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen. We're in the dick hole. We're in the penis. You made it. Although I love the last one for throat. Confetti started coughing, some came up. Hell yeah. It's a party, you guys. Hey, that's amazing.

That was a surprise. All right, you ready for the penis? Let's try to go to the penis. Look, Pride Week is wild. It is wild. Penis. Yep, here we go. Pl is wild. Penis. Yep. Here we go. Plastic fork.

Wow. Which side though? Well, the next one, the next item spork. There you go. Now we know which side. How is that better? The next item four plastic spoons. Oh my god.

That's a big dick, man. I like that we're all looking like, what does four plastic spoons. Oh my god. That's a big dick, man. That is. I like that we're all looking like, what does four plastic spoons look like? It looks like that. Shit. Ooh. OK, ready for more?

Yeah. I mean, are you? Sure. Are we ever. Marble. OK. Screw. Screw.

Screw. And piece of pen. Oh my god. Yeah, they're trying to figure something out. Yeah. Tape and paper. Tape and paper? Well, you got it. Dan, they're trying to figure something out. Yeah. Tape and paper. Tape and paper? Well, you gotta... Dan, should I be

getting a hard right? Yes. 100%. Okay. I'm not, but I just want to know if I should. Okay. Quote, put a chopstick in his urethra last night to make his penis longer and wasn't able to remove it. Oh my god. Bud. Bud.

Cut to his roommate being like, where's the other fucking chopstick? But, say what you want, his penis is longer. And his penis is hard all the time. And he's not allowed to go to that sushi bar ever again. Look, before we

had Viagra, that's what we would do. Just use it as a splint. Put a stick in it. Beads on a string. Sure. That was my favorite Sinatra song. I was going to say my favorite Sam Jackson. I'm tired of all these motherfucking beads on a splint.

Clothing price tag. Sure. What? It's called mini pole. No, the shirt is actually $2. I have a picture of this one too, just so we all know we're talking about the same thing. And the image of someone having this in their penis

is wild to me. End of rat tail comb. End of rat tail. Oh my god. Come over here. Let me brush your hair. You put the end of the comb in your penis and then you comb your penis. I don't know why this is weird.

Ready? Tweezers. Two pairs. There's no pair. Two pairs of tweezers. Well, he tried to get it out with the first. He tried to get it. You see how that happened. He lost it.

How do you get tweezers out of your dick? He had the first tweezers to get the gonorrhea out, and then that got stuck. To me, I would love this if this became the new corporate speak where they're like, guys, we're just throwing tweezers in the dick office. We need to come up with a new plan.

This next one is a quote, and you should be talking to your children about sexuality and things that happen to your body because, quote, headphones cord to prevent wet dreams. Oh. Wow.

So you want to trade in wet dreams for fucking nightmares? Exactly. Nails. Just nails. Hex key, which is an Allen wrench. Uh-huh. Dart.

Ooh. Bead. I'm sorry, bread. Bread twist tie. Oh, God. Piece of metal from COVID mask. So we've come all the way around. Look, Dr. Fauci told us to.

Here's the last one for penis. While masturbating with a sewing needle. Oh, my God. You reap what you sow, guys. You reap what you sow. Ask our brother. Excuse me. You peep what you sow. Excuse me.

You peep what you sow. While masturbating with a sewing needle, he lost control of the needle. Settle down. He lost control of the needle and it disappeared into the meatus of his penis. No, no, no. The meatus? Meatus. M-E-A-T-U-S.

It's not a dog you're giving a bath. It's not a dog you're giving a bath. It's not a dog you're giving a bath. You didn't lose control of the thing. You stuck it in. A meatus is a passage or opening leading to the interior of the body. So his meatus, his urethra. That's right.

You ready for a vagina? Yes. Vagina, then asshole, then we're done. I promise you. You and Brad are so heterosexual. We stay ready for it. I mean, look at that man's haircut. He's ready for it.

This is like me. I thought they'd never ask. Am I right, Brad? You damn right showed it. This is my man, JJ. This is my man, Marble Dick. Vagina. This is basically me as a 17-year-old.

I'm finally ready for the vagina. All right, let's do it. I'm fine. Spiked penis ring. Oh, that's not her fault. That's just... Hey. That's not her fault.

Don't hate the player, hate the game. All right. Two halves of broken colored pencils. Okay. Uh-huh. She's being creative. This one. Creative.

Disposable razor. Oh. I mean, it was supposed to go away. That's one place to dispose of it. Yeah. Hairbrush. Sure. Barbell. Oh, barbell? How big was the barbell?

She wanted to do some really intense Kegel exercises. Yeah, that's how it works. Pill bottle. Two batteries. You gotta charge that thing up. How big's your vagina? Triple A's, bitch.

Tight as fuck. I could go all night. One second. We got you, we got you. A penny and a shampoo bottle cap. That's like a little junk drawer. That's for a rainy day. I call my vagina the hardware store.

You do. You got some soy sauces in there. All kinds of shit. The junk drawer, ladies and gentlemen. Quote, patient was having sex with her boyfriend last night and a vibrator was placed in her vagina. It's still vibrating and it's stuck. All right.

Oh, so she's having a great weekend. That's right. Also, I looked into this. All reports are non-criminal in nature and consensual in action. Okay, good. Hey, Dan, they're giving us the lights. We might have to go to butt. Well, we can.

We have a few more. We can't just speed through pussy like this. You gotta take your time with pussy. Everybody knows that. My man is heterosexual. Especially when the next thing stuck in a vagina we have a slide for is toy dinosaurs.

Which one? Not the stegosaurus, right? It's gotta be. Now that's what I call a Jurassic question. No, see, the blue one, that's for her pleasure right there. You know what I'm saying? That's rib.

You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? That's just sex education. What do I want? I wanna go. I wanna keep going. A lot of people thought the meteors extinct the dinosaurs. It was this. Candle, a unicorn, husband's wedding ring,

glow-in-the-dark ball, Spider-Man action figure, and the last one for vagina, Spider-Man coming home. Good job. Nice. Good job. Nice.

I pointed to Neil like I said it. Detergent pod. Oh, not the tie challenge. A clean pussy is a healthy pussy. That's right. Put that vagina on the spin cycle. Let's do this. Let's breathe through the ass.

Just breathe through the ass. We're going to breathe through it. Here we go. Bottle cap. Sure. Plastic soda bottle. Why not? Makes sense to me. Mountain Dew Code Red.

Have a coconut smile, sir. Ready? I love this quote. I love it. I'm assuming this is all men, by the way. Look at that. I love it. Oh.

Who? Quote, was joking around with his friends when the joke was taken too far and a can was put into his rectum. A hand? The can. That's one way to recycle it. What kind of friends are these? Guys, we're going too far.

I'll pull my assholes out, but don't y'all get carried away. Click. Click gel pen. Bronze handle of a tool. Two batteries everything's had two batteries you gotta have i mean that's how they start it up bro you gotta start that ass up glue bottle quote went to sit down in the bathtub and sat on a plastic bottle of bubble bath and it went into his rectum no that is not how that first. First of all, when it starts to enter, you don't just stop? Right.

You're like, ooh, that's not normal. The tub's certainly changing. I want to get through these. Flathead screwdriver, Phillips head screwdriver, toothbrush case. Pump action plastic bottle dispenser. There you go. Yeah.

Quarantine changed us, guys. Bar of soap, rolling pin, quote, states... Rolling pin? Rolling pin. I know. I mean, I thought, I never saw the end of the Julia Child movie, but I'm assuming. Quote, states he and his wife were having sex when she placed

a rubber penis in his rectum and it broke off. Oh. Quote, stuck plastic toilet paper holder in rectum during sexual encounter with partner while intoxicated. There you go. Quote, reports was playing with my wife when the cap of an aerosol can became

dislodged and stuck in his rectum. Hey, come on. That's pamphlet. That's Ozone. That's playing with my wife. I know. What are we doing here, guys? I get it. You love each other. Rubber ball, squishy ball, stress ball, billiard ball. Wow. Eight ball back pocket.

Patient, there's a quote, patient states, was attempting to hold a ball in the gluteal fold and believes it got lost. Not 100% sure that ball is in rectum. That's right. You would know. You would know. Toy dinosaur.

Again, toy rocket. Possibly, this is the most frustrating one of all. Puzzle pieces. Oh. Don't you hate when you lose those? Where are they, Kevin? Where are they? We can't finish the sky, motherfucker.

This moon will be incomplete. That's right. All right, we got a few more. Some marbles. That's the few more. Some marbles. That's the whole thing. Some marbles. Hex bug robotic toy. I brought this up

in case anybody needs to know. That's what it is. That was in somebody's ass. Ew. Christ. Stakes, he and his friends had a practical joke going on each other.

This time he was sleeping when his friend put a dildo in his rectum and now he's unable to get it out. That's not a... I hate practical jokes. Shampoo bottle, lotion bottle,

hairspray. Having trouble going poop so he placed a mechanical pencil in his rectum. Patient now unable to remove pencil. Pencil is sticking out. I'm sorry, so he had trouble getting shit out so he decided to put some shit in. Magic dice. He's putting tweezers in a dick hole. We're to put some shit in. Magic dice.

He's putting tweezers in a dick hole. We're throwing tweezers in the dick hole. Alright, here we go. Head of action figure. Tweezers, of course. Scissor tongs. Okay, you guys ready for the Russian doll of anal mishaps? Towel with a sock over it and a glove over the sock.

Oh my gosh. Well, that's just safe sex. Wait, how's the person his roommate's supposed to know that he's doing all that? He took it off the doorknob. Axe body spray. Knight, 12-inch knife, handle first. That's the axe body spray.

Of course handle first. Handle first, right? Was drinking with friends and believes that he may have placed a nickel and a dime into his rectum. What's crazy is he got back a quarter. Lightbulb, grass and golf tee, carrot,

lottery ticket. By the way, lightbulb is when you have a really bad idea. It goes up there. Last one. And it's kind of the perfect person to do it. Quote, foreign body in his rectum. He states he believes it is a vape and is not answering any more questions.

I love that. You guys shut it down. You guys shut it down. Shut it down at that point. All right, you guys, that is a show. Thank you, Neil Brennan. Thank you, Chris Redd. Oh, shit, we got to get back to work. Love you, Neil Brennan. Thank you, Chris Redd. Oh, shit, we gotta get back to work.

Love you guys. Happy New Year! Happy New Year! Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Stick around, make a sound, calm your down, it's Dumb People Town