Dumb People Town - DPT LIVE - Zach Galifianakis - McNothing

Episode Date: January 26, 2021

This week Dumb People Town goes live as Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Zach Galifianakis and musical guest John Paul White. To kick off the show, Daniel reads some amazing headlines. In story one, a man is jailed for snoring too loud. In story two, we have 2020's top objects in orifices.

Skypains Avenue Couldn't make this up. Go listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Banders, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Hung your downies. Don't people town. Yay!

There we go! You guys, thank you for coming out in the middle of this insurrection to do this comedy show. You took a break from scaling walls. The only writing we're going to do here is right. It's laughter tonight. As we start everything off, we start off with music. We love to have music throughout these shows. And the gentleman who we have on tonight, I'm so excited.

Jay and I did a show with him. At Largo. At Largo. And we were backstage tonight, I'm so excited. Jay and I did a show with him. At Largo. At Largo. And we were backstage and just blown away by it. This guy is just one of the best singer-songwriters out there, musicians. He looks like Johnny Depp, sounds like Sam Elliott when he talks. Yes, but the voice is just so smooth and so good, so buttery. And we've since done his show before.

And he had a great charity show that we did with him. And who was on there? Tom Colicchio. so buttery and we've since done his show before and you know he had a great charity show that we did with him and who was on there? Tom Colicchio Tom Colicchio was on there and Rose Cash I believe was on that show too

this guy is deep into the music scene so we're going to listen to his songs he's going to do what I would consider to be what he's already said

is the saddest version ever of the dumb people time piece he's going to do an original one first would you please welcome first of all mute yourselves oh yeah mute your mute your microphones

right now just turn the music portion and then you can bring it back up afterwards as we bring in because we want you to hear the crystal clear sounds of our friend John Paul White John Paul White yay we're coming

there it is there we go someone's gonna hold your hand everything will clear Touch you in summer On where they finally does the trick Pull you in a fairy tale Where you were meant to be

Someone, someone won't be me Someone's out there praying for The day that you walk in And happy ever after I finally became Someone who'll stop at nothing To give you all you need Someone

Someone who won't be me And that's okay I'd never really loved you anyway At least not unconditionally Like subjects love the ones you equate If I thought I was good for you If I thought this could work I'd reach a little higher And pull you back to earth

But the man you're really looking for The one in all your dreams Someone that someone won't be me. And that's okay. You never really loved me anyway. Not enough to meet me half the way All of something you could only take That's okay I never really loved you anyway At least not unconditionally Like subjects love the ones The future queen Thank you.

Thank you. Yeah. Yay! amazing man and uh it's so good so beautiful all right do you want to do your version of the dumb people town theme song i'm so excited. And when I sent it to you like a month ago, you're like, all right, I'll whip something up. So here we go. John Paul White with his version. So remember, mute you guys again, and then you can bring it back on and give him the applause he deserves

for the Dumb People Town theme song. Go for it. ¶¶ Life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail Florida, there's half price bail Happy to say, couldn't make this up Listen to our podcast jam with co-host

our man Dan Van Kerr don't be a jerk when the music quits that's when the music quits That's when the funny hits And we're gonna take you down Jump down, hunker down

Cause it's dumb people town Some people tell. I'm a human. Yes! Ooh! So good. Ooh! Ooh! That was haunting. I would have never said this before,

but now I believe our theme song could have been included in the Magnolia soundtrack. John Paul White. All right, John, you could win a Grammy for that, but I think we got to do, it's the beginning of the show. Hey, townies, welcome to a live episode of Dumb People.

That's right. Our guest is one of the wardrobe pieces from Perry Mason. Randy, I just want everyone to know that this is a new hat. This is the new hat. Randy, I'm going to tell you this. Even after that was made, it's never been a new hat. Yeah, I'm going to tell you something. that was made, it's never been a new hat.

Yeah, I'm going to tell you something. In the immortal words of David Caruso, meet the new hat same as the old hat. And meanwhile, David Caruso didn't say that. I know, but I like to attribute every Who song to David Caruso. Randy, you look like a guy who feeds

raccoons Cheerios on his porch. Hey, how are they going to get fat? You look like somebody who doesn't understand what business class is. I'm not Indiana Jones. I'm Iowa Jones. There's a little airplane

on the side of your hat. What is that for? Wait, this is what I imagine. A nine-year-old used to own this hat. He flew for the first time to see his estranged father. They brought him up to the cockpit. They gave him a little airplane. This is the airplane you give a kid when you're like,

your grandfather is going to raise you now. That's what they say. Actually, this is my new prediction. My assumption. Let's hear it. You bought an airplane pin. The hat was free. That's what I came with.

You look like you own four almanacs. With this hat, and this is what this hat gives me, Southwest Airlines level C for life. Your group C? Group C for life. Group C for life. That's group C? Group C for life. That's what this hat guarantees. It's really nice. How'd you get this hat? My wife gave me this hat.

So Randy's wife first texted me the picture of the hat and she said is this different enough to make it a new hat? Hold on. Randy. Yes. Are you birthday hat goofing? This is birthday. Yes. Are you birthday hat goofing? This is birthday hat goofing.

Your birthday hat goofing? So she sent me the picture of the hat and I said, if you're asking me, can I make fun of Randy in this hat? The answer is yes, Bob. Your hat is what happened to the Velveteen Rabbit. Too soon? Too soon?

Too soon? I mean, if you're asking. The Velveteen Rabbit is the one that kept Kaylee alive on season nine of Alone. For sure. You got to check your snares is what we always say. You got to check your snares. Randy in that hat is always telling people to check their snares. Always check their snares.

Randy, that hat is always telling people to check their snare. Always check their snare. Randy, that hat knows the shortcut. This hat knows the shortcut, and this hat also watches out for the blind side. And the movie. And the movie. And the movie, the blind side. Oh, that hat loves Sandy Bullock. And only calls her Sandy Bullock.

Sandy Bullock, yeah. That hat was third build in Hope Floats. Yeah. That hat didn't build in Hope Floats. Yeah. That hat didn't understand Bird Box, but liked it. I loved it. Your hat is pro-union.

Your hat is the only thing that made the cut or didn't make the cut in the Irishman. My hat supports the war, but not the troops. Okay? make the cut in the Irishman. My hat supports the war, but not the troops. You guys, we're getting fired up. We're getting ready. Before we bring in and talk to John Paul White and bring in our other guests, Dan, we always

have our tradition on the show. We're fired up. It's almost like us stretching out and getting warmed up for the show. We do a little thing that we like to call headlines. We've got headlines. We got headlines. Okay, friends. These are just headlines. I will say who sent them in. There wasn't enough

meat on the bone to be a full story, but as we learned when we went live yesterday on Facebook and on Instagram, there's enough there to have fun with. Sometimes a headline is all you need. Someone else is giving someone instructions on how this show works. They're going to talk. He'll talk.

He'll introduce. He'll give a headline. They joke. They'll make a joke. Randy's hat's weird. Jason will tug at his shirt nine times. I don't need to mute. How would you hear me if I muted?

Dan isn't sunburned on his chest. That's just a t-shirt. That's a shirt. Here we go. I'm wearing a scarf. Does it blend in? Okay. First headline is shirt. Here we go. I'm wearing a scarf. Does it blend in? Okay. First headline is this ready? Yes. This is sent in by

La Asasininama. Stop it. She's our bouncer. You always leave the MMA on. She's the town bouncer. Okay, here we go. Ready? I've been usurped. Ready? Headline number one. Man leads three- year campaign to take the

hell out of hello and replace it with heaven. Heaven, oh heaven, oh heaven, oh is the worst motel in Oklahoma. Heaven, heaven, oh is a serial that is always stale. Heaven O. Who's the guy? How retired are you that this becomes your cause? Three years, Dan. Three years. This is a guy that got kicked out of his neighborhood watch for asking too many questions.

And then started a neighborhood watch of the neighborhood watch. I'm going to start watching you. Who's going to keep an eye on that organization? Who's watching the watchdogs, huh? Three years. You've lost a lot of relationships in those three years. Well, I'll tell you one thing that people have said. People aren't saying hello to him.

A lot of people are saying goodbye. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, you took the good out of goodbye, you son of a bitch. Okay, you guys ready for the second headline? Okay, second headline is this. Sent in by Jake Growney. Here we go. Headline number two.

Man caught rollerblading naked on Ohio Highway while wearing panda head, which is... That's too much. Look at this. First of all... First of all, how do we know that's not an actual panda? For sure.

For sure. I can't tell you the last time I rollerbladed. Apollo, oh no. That is bizarre. Apollo, Anton, oh no, you didn't. I mean, if you look at him, he's got a clean lane. He's hugging the line.

This guy's going to make the Olympic team. If he falls down, he's going to get a bam boo boo. This is what happens when you go too far with your fantasy football loser. Wait, hold on. Did you say he's going to get a bamboo boot? I mean, someone make the joke he fell down and broke his ling ling. All right. How many people do you think he was just like, go around?

He definitely makes a left turn signal with this. Yeah. I think PETA would get behind someone shooting this guy. PETA would be like, we'll allow it. We will allow that.

This does not come without a manifesto. That's right. Look at it. Well, at least he's going with traffic. That's true. You don't have to look at his jumper. How bad are the times you're in right now where you just say to yourself, at least he's nowhere near a Capitol?

Things are so bad right now. You see this and you're like, oh, good news. He's just on route nine. We'll get back to those days. I hope he gets back to his family. Okay. Should we go? Should we get it started?

Those are headlines, people. Those are headlines. All right. You guys. Let's bring John Paul White back on. Do we have him? Is he floating? We'll pop him back in.

I hear you. John Paul White, everybody. One more time for John Paul White. Doing a great job. Applause for this cat. Incredible. It's fun to do a show in front of people, right? I forgot what it was like.

Those days were great days. Well, we're so excited to have you on the show. And, you know, you're coming to us from down in Alabama, which how is life down in Alabama right now? Are you are you doing OK? You getting out? What's happening? I assume it's the same as it has been for the past hundred years. But we don't leave our house. Keep to your own.

You've been quarantining ever since you've been down there. Yeah, because of the pandemic. Yeah, exactly. Stay on the property, mind your own business. Don't tell them you're a musician. We got it. Well, we're so excited you're here. You're going to play songs throughout.

You're going to join us throughout. For sure. Shall we bring in our guest? Yes, let's do it. Okay, we're bringing in our guest. This is one of our oldest friends. He was at both of our weddings. You might have caught him at the Purple Onion.

Maybe at the Purple Onion. I'm just going to list the credit that you guys probably know him from the most. Apartment 2F. That's correct. And he is known as Dennis Gubbin's good friend. Would you please welcome the great Zach Galifianakis. Zach Galifianakis. Hello, everyone.

Hello. Hi, Zach. How are you? I'm doing really well. Randy, I like your hat. That's the best joke about the hat all night. The problem with your hat, Randy, is that you have a hat on that looks like a guy that has something always important to say. Something that's always important. No, you guys don't understand.

You guys don't understand. We're not eating enough corn. Randy always wants to know what the allotted time is. What's my allotted time? Randy's going to show you where all the exits are. I'm here with new business. He's the guy in the market, the only guy that, when you wear that hat, he's the only guy that asks for cantaloupe.

In the winter. Excuse me, where are the cantaloupe samples? That's never something you can say. You should say to people. Well, we love to, as we get started, Dan has researched your guys' birthdays. Yeah, we play a little game. Called What's Your Florida Man?

Yeah, it's your birthday, and then the news that happened on that day. We're getting a little bit of echo. Thank you for bearing with us. I promise we'll figure it out. We have the Florida Man birthday. Zach, you are going to go first according to the internet, which is never wrong or leads people astray.

Your birthday is October 1st. Is that correct? Yes. Okay, great. All right, here we go. Headline for your Florida man is Florida man arrested for throwing Bible at deputies. Yeah.

Look at him. Look at this guy. Look at this guy. Just throwing. Is he wearing bike shorts or is that underwear? I can't tell what he's wearing. I mean, I definitely wouldn't expect this guy to wear a shirt. And is that the biggest Bible you've ever seen?

Yes. Also, look at him. He just, look at the dog. The dog is like, I'm ready to leave if you're ready to be my new home. I mean, I've never seen a if you're ready to be my new home. I mean, I've never seen a Bible printed on just loose-leaf paper. Well, then yours isn't real. Here's the blurb. According

to the Marion County Sheriff's Office, Robert Hoskins, Bob Hoskins, Bob Hoskins, this guy, I can't believe it, confronted deputies and yelled, I commend you before throwing a Bible towardsed deputies and yelled, I commend you, before throwing a Bible towards the deputies. He thought this was

out of love and enjoying it. That's right. Whatever projection Hoskins thought he had was quickly proven false as he was immediately tased. There you go. Immediately. So he was like, I'm going to be friends with the cops. And I guess what would Jesus do? Jesus

just tased him. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, if someone has their TV on, we can hear it. So turn it up. Get that fucking bills game on. This is why we want your guys's mics on so we can hear Sports Center while we do a show. That's right. Fire it up.

If you got your TV on, turn it down. Okay. Here we go. Ready for our next headline? Happy birthday. Happy belated birthday to you, by the way. Of course. Thank you so much. Thank you. What did you do for your birthday this year?

What did I do every year? I just looked at my sizzle reel. Perfect. Love it. Perfect. Okay, you guys ready? John Paul White, are you ready for your Florida man? I most certainly am. Perfect. Okay, you guys ready for ready? John Paul White. Are you ready for your Florida man? Most certainly

am. Okay, here we go. Ready according to the Internet. Your birthday is August 4th. That's true. That is my mind is mine is yours is the fourth. My daughter is the fourth and I'm the fifth. Yeah, and Rory Scovel is the fifth or first six. Here we go. John Paul White, August 4th. Here's your Florida man.

Florida man clings to semi truck speeding down highway. Yeah, and we will cut over to that. It is wonderful. There is going to be video of it. Okay, here's a guy you just drive. Look at this.

It's a guy. This is John Paul White. This is your guy. Oh my God. That's just. Also, there was a guy on a truck. I love how much of this person's radio we got in the shot. Yeah, that's a bad. That's bad filming from that person.

Now, I have to say, being from Alabama, we don't really look down on anybody. Yeah. Facts. You're so close you can smell the panhandle. But to be fair, there are people in Virginia that can also do that, too. Yeah. But this is also one of those times where, like,

I need to know what happened 10 minutes earlier. Right. He definitely was not finished saying what he needed to say. Right. Like, what fight over a caffeine-free Pepsi in a truck stop parking lot did these two guys get into? I need to know.

All right. Should we go to the first story? You guys ready to go to the first story? Let's do this. Here we go. Ready? Now? You guys ready to go to the first story? Let's do this. All right. Here we go. Ready? Now, as a refresher, or if it's your first Greenlee, I will be reading an article with random over-explanations about commonly known things.

The game is for you to guess who wrote the completely useless non sequitur. When I reveal the correct answer, you'll either see a picture of Will Greenlee, which we will show right now. He is a journalist. He's a sane journalist. I love Will.

Okay, here we go. So we just chime it in from the audience. Sure. Okay. Why not? He does look pretty crazy. Okay, here we go. Or if it's me who wrote the over explanation you will see this photo

so the i know i love it dan's about ready to play that game where you put the knife on the table i keep waiting for someone to photoshop me like in the ocean while kate winslet is on the table and i'm trying to survive and you look like you look like you're hot. The person who's holding the hostage is like, if you want to not be thrown in the river, you have to smile and look straightforward. And I did it. And you did it. You did a very good job.

This is my good boy picture. You're being a very good boy, Dan. Here we go. Ready? So for Zach, I don't know if you guys know Zach. Zach, I think, had one. Did you have a Greenlee in the last show we did at Largo? You and Austin Wilforte.

Do you remember that? There was, okay, if you don't remember it, Greenlee is, okay, so he, had one. Did you have a Greenlee in the last show we did at Largo? You and Austin Wilforte? Do you remember that? Okay, if you don't remember it, Greenlee is... Okay, so he's a journalist who has... Basically, what we like to think is he's written every story, and he's written 700 words. He needs to get to 1,200 words. So he over-explains things and things that we know what they are. And I know the real story to what his deal is, and I'll never tell.

Okay, here we go. Here's the headline. Ready? Yes. Man jailed after snoring loudly at McDonald's. Okay. Why don't they just write anti-masker? All right.

Is it too much to say that he was a McNuisance? Oh, yes. Zach doesn't like that. Zach, you don't like that? You're not giving me anything for that. No, I don't like it. Jay, I think he's giving you

McNothing. This was sent in by Rich McCabe at Rich TMC. Thank you, Rich McCabe. Here we go. Ready? Yep. Want to read this story? You're going to tell me who said something you didn't need to hear. Okay. A man was arrested after snoring loudly and apparently

sleeping. How would he not be sleeping? Right. Okay. Behind the wheel in a McDonald's drive-thru lane, an affidavit states a drive-thru or drive-thru. If you're reading out loud, that makes no difference

and then he says a sensational spelling of the word through is a type of takeout service provided by a business that allows customers to purchase products without leaving their cars who wanted you to know what a drive-through is would that be me or will greenly you are a guest zach what do you think Would that be me or Will Greenlee? You are our guest. Zach, what do you think? Take your time. He's already blew up. Yeah, I can read it.

Actually, you know what? Let's go all the way back to one So John Paul White, if you could do the opening song I'll read it one more time A man was snowing loudly, apparently sleeping behind the wheel On a McDonald's drive-thru lane Okay, okay, okay You think it's Greenlee? Okay

I think it's Yeah, I do Greenlee? Okay. I think it's... Yeah, I do. Greenlee. Okay. John Paul White, do you think Dan wrote that, or do you think the quote-unquote journalist will print?

I think it's Greenlee. I'm going to go with that. Okay. God, he said it with such confidence. Yeah, and I'm going to say Greenlee, too. Okay. I think that feels Greenlee-esque, but I don't know what I'm doing,

and I've played this game eight million times. All right. Get your answers in in the chat. Hold up your left hand if you want to do it visually. If you think it's me, hold up your right hand if you think it's Will Greenlee. I will tell you that the person who wants you to know that a drive-through or drive-through, a sensational spelling of the word through, is a type of takeout service provided by a business that allows customers

to purchase products without leaving their cars. The person who wrote that is me. Oh, man. Yes, my friend. No one can get this. I say it all the time. Michael Che, he went through a couple of these and he was like, I got it. I got the pattern.

He figured it out. The second he said, I got it, we were like. He said I got it. We were like, you don't have it. The next three he got wrong. Okay, ready? This is going to make you question everything in your life. The case of the dozing dude began at 347 a.m. on December 20th when an

Indian River County Sheriff, it always feels problematic to say that deputy went to a McDonald's in the 700 block of South US one for a suspicious vehicle. A deputy Spider-Man in a Ford pickup parked outside the drive-through lane snoring loudly like

a rock wrong snoring is the horse or harsh sound that occurs when air flows past relaxed tissues in your throat causing the tissues to vibrate as you breathe snoring can be caused by a number of factors such as the anatomy of your mouth and sinuses alcohol consumption allergies a cold and your weight who wanted you to know what

snoring is yeah in a in a newspaper and also what causes it so by the way that means that if the for some reason if will greenlee wrote this he was like you know what i think people are going to be like something happened at this drive-thru sure it called snoring i wish i could have an explanation or he also would be saying that he thinks there's people who wake up 15 times a night and don't know why. Right. And they've never... Just general. All right. So, Zach, do you think Dan wrote that

or Will Greenlee? I think that Dan wrote it John You're so confident I'm going to stick with Greenlee I think I might say A Wrinkle

I love A Wrinkle A Wrinkle in Greenlee A Wrinkle in Greenlee was one of my favorite kids The movie did not nail H.G. Wells A Wrinkle in Greenlee was one of my favorite kids. It was. The movie did not nail. I'm going to say it was Greenlee. It was Greenlee. I think it was Dan.

I'm going to go with Zach. The person who wanted you to know what snoring is and what it's caused by, like allergies, cold, your weight, consumption. The person who wrote that is Will Greenlee. Yes! JP Dubs. This was in an article that was written by a journalist. An editor said

great, let's put this in the article. Why not? Ready? Yes. McDonald's does not have a sleep-through lane. I'm just going to tell you, Greenlee wrote that. Okay. That is wild, and I don't know. There's another level of person he thinks he's helping with that sentence.

That's a bit. No, he thinks someone was reading and was like, well, he was probably in the sleep-through lane, right, honey? Nope, nope. It says right here there is no sleep-through lane. But according to the police, the man seemed to be sleeping in the drive-thru as opposed to Sleeping with the Enemy, a 1991 movie starring Julia Roberts. Who wanted you to know that this was not the same as the 1991 classic

Sleeping with the Enemy starring Julia Roberts. Zach? Ben. Ben Kirk. Julia Roberts was in Sleeping with the Enemy? Yeah, Julia Roberts would never say that.

Whoa. Whoa. Julia Roberts was in sleeping with the enemy she was the enemy i think she was the enemy she was the enemy in that movie um i think that's dan okay okay john i agree i'm gonna go okay i i because it is so crazy because it is so absurd because that has nothing to do with this article and it does not belong in this article i 100 believe that it was written by will greenlee i agree will greenlee okay get your answers in in

the chat y'all left hand if you think itall. Left hand if you think it's me. Right hand if you think it's Greenlee. The left hand is found on the left side. I'm joking. All right, here we go. The person who wanted you to know about Sleeping with the Enemy, a 1991 movie starring Julia Roberts, that was written by Will Greenlee. Yes! Zach, so far you are 0 for 3.

Wow. Are you supposed to win? Yes. You are supposed to win. You are supposed to win. You want to win. Meanwhile, the man woke. Oh.

Meanwhile, the man woke and the deputy asked for his license. I don't have one, he is quoted as saying. I'm going to lay it out for you, officer. Don't have it. It's like a mammoth play. His truck smelled of booze and his speech was slurred. The man, a Fort Pierce resident, participated in field sobriety exercises and was arrested on charges of DUI and knowingly driving with a suspended license. He told investigators he imbibed six to eight beers at a bonfire.

A bonfire is a large open air fire used as part of a celebration for burning trash or as a distress signal. Locally, beach fire permits are only available during non-turtle nesting season from November through February in designated fire locations at Jensen Beach and Stewart Beach. Who wanted you to know what a bonfire was and then where

you get your permit? Licenses. Zach. I think the turtle part is pretty legitimate and seems pretty journalistic, referring to the turtles. um so what's the guy's name that's not dan greenlee greenlee yeah okay yeah that guy zach i thought you were gonna be like i think the

turtle part is pretty journalistic so i'm gonna going to say Dan. So I thought you were going to say that. John, what do you think? I'm going to go with Greenlee just because he names specific beaches, but hell. You never know. Dan could have done a wiki search, Jay. Yeah, I think it's Greenlee. I think it's Greenlee too. The person who wanted you to know what a bonfire is

and that it's used as part of a celebration burning trash or distress signal and that locally fire permits are only available during non-turtle nesting season. The person who wrote that? Me. Do you see him here? I'll roll deep, guys. I will deep.

I will find out the county that the Treasure Coast Palm consists of. Okay, so this reveals the sickness of Dan. Oh, I have a problem. Now going to turtle ordinances. It would have been greenly if he would have referenced the movie Bonfire of the Vanities, right? I swear to God, I thought of it,

but I thought with the sleeping with the enemy, I couldn't hit it twice. And I know I'm completely wrong here, but is Bonfire of the Vanities and Barbarians at the Gate the exact same movie? Yes, and it's also the same movie as the Fabulous Baker Boys. They're all the same movie. Guys, I've gone so deep with Greenlee, sometimes I text his wife as him,

and she can't even tell. Yes. A wife is a spouse. I'm sorry. Go ahead. After further questioning, the man admitted that he also had rum runners, a cocktail involving rum. Who wanted you to know that a rum runner is a cocktail involving rum? Involving.

Not necessarily doesn't have it. So it roped the rum in. Greenlee. Zach, what do you think? I think Greenlee because Dan seems upset, more upset at that one. It's a good one. Zach and I love your sweater. I love your sweater.

All right, John. John. Thank you. This is what I've been working on during the pandemic. Whoa, it looks good. You don't even know how to knit. It looks good. It's only up to here.

You can't see the lower half. It's fine. It's a progress. Right now you got a halter and it's great. And you knitted that entirely out of your beard hair. That's amazing. That's good work. John, what do you think?

Right? This is just a game of chance. This is roulette. All right. I'll say green. Yeah. You're good at this. So that's the thing about this game.

You think it's a shell game. You think you have an eye on the balls that's going around. That's not it at all. It's an illusion. Dan is an illusionist. And this is a trick on our souls. I'm going to say that that is

Will Greenlee. My heart is saying it's Will Greenlee. My head is saying, don't listen to your heart. I think it's Dan. Listen to your heart. Listen to your heart. Okay, here we go. After further questioning, he admitted that he also had Rum Runners, a cocktail involving rum.

Get your answers in on the chat, you townie friends. Love having you all here. Left hand if you think it's me. Right hand if you think it's Greenlee. Pedro, I see what you're holding up there. Here we go. The person that wants you to know that there's rum in a rum runner is Will Greenlee.

Yes! You guys. It pissed me off, Zach. It did piss him off. No, Zach tapped into the anger, the very real anger that Dan was experiencing. All right, we're going to get out of here on this. I will ask you all. Damn it.

How old do you think the man is? In the sleep through? In the sleep through. He does not have a license. It's 3.30 in the morning. He's sleeping. How old, if you had to guess based off the limited knowledge you have,

would you say the man in the sleep-through? The man in the sleep-through, a very scary children's book. That's a goose bump. That's a goose bump. The man in the sleep-through is a goose bump. That's like a real-life Lemony Snicket. Zach? Zach Hall, do you think he is? What age in Florida are you considered a man?

Nine. Nine years old. Nine. Well, you usually do your walkabout, I mean, kicked out of your parents' home at nine. Can I just say that I saw the Florida Project. My wife and I were watching. It's wonderful.

We were watching the Florida Project, and it's like a three-hour movie, and if you've seen the movie, it's about these I were watching. It's wonderful. We were watching the Florida Project and it's like a three hour movie. And if you've seen the movie, it's about these kids that wander. It's so good. And we were like watching it while our kids were downstairs and we didn't know what they were doing.

And there was a point in the movie where I was like, why the fuck am I watching these kids? I should hang out with my kids. Like I'm now watch, like the movie made me watch their kids. More than the parents in the movie. Right. I'm like, I don't want to watch these kids. And you could see those kids. The movie made me watch their kids. More than the parents in the movie. I don't want to watch these kids.

You could see those kids in that movie definitely going through a sleep through. Definitely. How old is this guy, Zach, if you had to guess? 42. 42. That's how old I was when I was doing that kind of thing. Fair enough.

I thought you guessed that in honor of Jackie Robinson. Okay. John Paul White, what do you think? Because you're asking, I think it's going to be ridiculous. So I'm going to say he was 19. 19 years old. One time on the road, I pulled up to a Taco Bell. Well, not ashamed or proud

to admit it. And no one would come to the window, and I finally got out and looked, and there was a person just laying on the floor asleep. Inside Taco Bell. Yeah, it was like 2 in the morning. It was like a 24-hour Taco Bell. And I was like, you know what? Live your life. Live your life. I don't need this. I went and got a gas station hot dog.

That's right. You definitely didn't need that, Dan. Well, I didn't need three of them. That's for sure. Jesus. I'm going to say 28. Okay. His Saturn is returning. I'm going to say 63 63. I just think

this guy. Okay. Something about him. Okay. Get your answers in the chat. Friends. Everybody get your answers in. Start typing them in. What number? How old do you think this guy. Okay, something about him. Okay, get your answers in the chat. Friends everybody get your answers in start typing them in. What number? How old do you think this guy the sleep through bandit is? I will tell all of us. One

of you is exactly right. So now we get to play. Who do you think is exactly right? Zach, you can stay with yourself or you can change your answer. You gonna stay at 42? Who's the one that said 42?

You! You did! You did! Go with that. Alright, John. I'm gonna to hold. You're going to hold, Jay. What do you think? I'll stay at 28.

I'm going to stay at 63. Okay. The Sleep Through Bandit. Closing out a wonderful Will Greenlee where we learned about sleeping with the enemy and what's in a rum runner. That's right. Who knew?

Is 28 years old. Where we learned about sleeping with the enemy and what's in a rum runner. That's right. Who knew? Who knew? Is 28 years old. Way to go, Jason. Very good. Very good. Way to go. I feel better than I should about that. No, you don't feel good enough.

You ought to have ran around the room. I almost did. I would have rum run around the room. Is there running in a rum runner? There's running. It involves running, Dan. That's right. I would have rum run around the room. Is there running in a rum runner? There's running. It involves running, Dan. That's right. All right.

That is our first story. We're going to take a quick break. But to play us into the break, John Paul White, let's hear a second song from you, buddy. You were so beautiful. Everyone mute yourself now, and then when he's done,

we can unmute to give him the applause. All right. Take it away, John. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. And any different door That I wrote Twenty years ago

Yellow paper And a faded picture And a secret in an envelope there's no reasons no excuses there's no second hand

Otherwise Just some black ink On some blue lights And a shadow you won't recognize Thank you. In the meantime I'll be waiting 20 years 20 more I'll be praying for redemption And you'll know, underneath the mountain walls And you'll grow old Underneath the mountain walls yes

there you go stick around make a sound there's more beautiful man i wish i wish there was just some sensitivity in your music i mean sometimes Beautiful, man. I wish there was just some sensitivity in your music. I know. Sometimes it's all like, I was like, what are we listening to, a system of a down here? Jesus Christ.

Oh, that's so good. There are people put on this earth to cheer you up, y'all, and I ain't one of them. No. I love it so much. And I'll say this for all of you guys, check out all of John's stuff online. I mean,

all the solo stuff and his stuff in the band, the civil wars, his album from last year, 2002 years ago, the hurting kind is just absolutely a beautiful album. And so just check them out. Start there, start there,

start there, move on from there. And I'm just so happy that we're getting a chance to do this with you. And beautiful, sad version of the Dumb People Town theme. When we sent it to you, were you like, how long did it take for you to say, okay, I'm going to whip this up? Or did it come right away? Just like that.

Okay. There you go. That is my horrible superpower. To make things sad. I grew up loving those songs my my dad loved those songs and and like when we would listen to the radio in in his car he would always point out certain songs like yeah pay attention to this one and it was always it was long black veil or sunny coming down or it was always a heartbreaker.

And I got what he meant because they made me feel something that happy songs just, you know, no offense to what you do for a living. Yeah. Thanks a lot. I appreciate that. But I don't know. I feel like, you know, times in your life like that mark you, scar you a little bit deeper. Yeah. I feel like you kind of, when you're talking about your life like that mark you scar you a little bit deeper yeah i feel like you kind of when you're talking about your life you're like oh yeah that was right before that car wreck or that was right after my divorce it just seems like at least in my life uh you're talking about

tiger woods right okay i'm just begging you to no but you're right no you're so right and what's funny though is i think a lot of comedy comes from pain as well. People are like, what do I do with this really hard thing? How can I twist it into something else? I'm sure that's true. I'm friends with a fair amount of comedians, but I read a ton and a lot of biographies. I've noticed that comedians, we have so much in common. And even the way that you go about constructing a joke or, right.

Especially if you're, you know, y'all, y'all riff and ad lib very well, but when you're actually building a bit, it's so like what we do. And, and, and you're also just, you have just as little self-esteem that's very true very true like imagine if you were like verse one into a song and the crowd was letting you know how much they hated it uh that's what it is to do a comedy no that didn't happen never that but i mean same thing we're right next to each other on the cul-de-sac. That's why I think every comedian wants to be a singer. A rock star.

And every singer wants to be a comedian. I think that's kind of one and the same. Yeah, that's John Mayer. Oh, true. We judge our shows by how much people laugh between songs. That is great. Your patter's got to be good. It's not a lot.

You can nail every song, and you walk up and be like, I don't know. I don't think they were feeling it. And just the opposite will be true as well. Yeah, because I do a lot of singing between my bits, and that's how I judge the show. Come on, Dan. Yeah, no, they like my show tunes.

And Dan really basically just sings instrumental songs. Yeah, that's what's so weird. I do. I'm good at it. Green onions. Yeah, yeah. really basically just sings instrumental songs yeah that's what i do i do i'm good at it green onions let's bring zach back in zach are you there are you need it knitting the rest of your sweater if he comes back and that sweater's fully done i hope he's here i hope to lord he didn't leave here we go pull him in zach how are you, are you writing comedy at all through the pandemic?

Have you written any jokes? Some could say that maybe you've never written comedy, but I would disagree with those people. I, you know, I live in Trump Tower. It's been a rough go of it recently. I don recently really come up with anything right now what's the hard time it's just a hard time to be in the building a lot of awkward elevator conversations. Yeah, it's just not a good time.

I mean, the guys are wearing more and more drakar. It's rough. It's rough. They're lathering up. Every time people leave, there's so many leather futons in the alley. You can tell you're losing people. Oh, man. But, Zach, you got kiddos. How's it being a parent during this time

right now? Well, my children, we live in the middle of the woods, so my children have gone completely feral. And you let them. At thiseral and um and you let them at this point my four-year-old had a bird in one hand and a snake in the other hand well that's what they say a bird at the hand is worth a snake in the other i know i i thought i thought there was an expression that went along with it but i couldn't

think of it that's it well you had the expression and then you thought maybe there's a better expression for me to and you dropped that expression waiting and you should have just stayed with it because the initial expression in a hand is worth a bird in one hand and a snake in your other child's hand. That's the expression. But my four-year-old is, it's interesting because I think he saw some Nazi propaganda stuff in a movie. Like I think he saw Indiana Jones. Yeah. And I was tucking him in the other night and i don't

know if he knows what i do for a living but he said to me he goes he has a weird accent he goes hey dad have you ever met hitler at a movie he seems like a pretty mean guy and you're like let's not judge him yet okay you're like i know people who are mean guys on all sides like i know people who are fans of his but i don't really get along with those people listen he's not he's he's number one on the call sheet. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's nine. He's number nine on the call sheet. That's good.

That's a good joke. What did your son say to your wife? You were telling me this great story. You were tucking him in. And he's hilarious another time i was talking to him and he's kind of he's kind of in um don rickles funny which is weird for a four-year-old and um my wife my son and i lean in bed my wife comes in she he goes hey mama leave us alone it's just me and dad just daddy and i want to cuddle and And she goes, okay.

And she turns around and he goes, I like the back of your head. The fact that your son is doing like a word-for-word Dean Martin lounge act. Hey, pretty pie. Hey, pretty pie. Why don't you move along?

You got to be a Jew lady. The only one in here. It's 106 degrees. You got a mink stole on. So I'll say this just about the Don Rickles of it all because it is special to us. Do you remember, Zach, when we first came to L.A. and you were out in Santa Monica and Jay and you and I, we drove you back from some party that we were all hanging out at and we drove out and we parked right in front of your house. And then this is after an evening of hanging out, you, me and Jay sat in our car and listened to

all of Hello Dummy, which was Don Rickles album, which was only like 33 minutes long. Cause they cut it all together. It was just hard for him. We were like like literally screaming with laughter it just was a great moment that i'll never forget yeah but i just want to those that are listening to it when uh when randy say we were at some party look i'm sure we were in a lobby of a bowling alley trying to get a stand-up show going yes that's what we were doing that's what we were doing it was not a cool party when i say party yeah uh zach i don't know if you're in a cool party the first time we met was at the old earwolf studios and i had to walk i didn't have a car i had to walk to ucb and you go i'll give you a ride and i go thanks so much we get in your car and you're driving me to ucb franklin and you go so you're getting to theater pretty early and I go

I'm interning there and taking classes and you go that's that's good that's a good place for you to be and I go thanks and you're like but so you know if we lose all these bees none of that shit's gonna matter I was like really I go really do like it's all the bees man we need these B's.

Well, then it would just be UC. And that's University of California. Okay. All right. All right. Shall we get into the second story? Yes. Let's jump into our second story.

Thank you. My friends, this was sent in. First of all, it is an annual tradition. I will just tell you the headline. What did we get stuck in ourselves last year? Yeah, and it was a big year last year. It was. A lot of people had a lot of time in their houses to make mistakes.

Listen, I don't know about you. We're clearing stuff out. Do we need this? Do we need that? Put the things we need over there in the garage. If you're trying to decide if something brings you joy anymore, stick it in your asshole. And find out.

Or any of your orifices. John and Zach, I will tell you, same for you, Randy and Jason, we have a lot to go through. But if anything jumps out at you and you would like to hold on a minute while we explore what I just said, feel free.

Everyone has a steering wheel. Okay. This was sent in by the person that does this great service and compiles this list every year. That's who sent it to me. His name is Barry Petschke. You can follow him at Barry. He's the deputy editor and co-owner of Defector, which is like a dead spin type sports site.

Barry Petschke sounds like a guy who makes his own pickles. I know. In fact, I'm going to go this far. if you're a dumb people townie and you love this service that he does every he puts this whole thing together himself. Go at him at Barry and just write. Thank you from dumb people town. I think it would be hilarious if he got so many. Okay, this is what he writes. Look, I get it. I do you're stuck inside. It's cold and dark outside. You're bored. That vaguely cylindrical object is calling to you, but resist.

There are many things out there that are specifically designed for you to self-insert. There are many, many more that are not yet still end up inside America's holes. This annual post honors the latter. Consider it a PSA and reconsider that object. Aren't our doctors and nurses busy enough these days amen to that and then he says all reports are taken from the u.s consumer product safety commission's database of emergency room visits all descriptions are verbatim and hey don't put that in there you might lose it anyway as always objects are sorted by orifice working

south but before we start we have a quick announcement to make. Yes, we're going to announce who our guest is going to be. Before we start, our guest on February 27th. Get ready to get these tickets before the general admission sells out. The link is live now, but we're telling you right now. We haven't said to anybody. Our guest on February 27th, the musical guest is Open Mic Eagle. Holy shit, if that's not good enough.

Get ready, people. And our guest himself will be Jack Black. So that is going to be on February 27th. We're going to be hanging out with Jack Black on February 27th. There you go. Let's do it. Here we go. Ready? Yes. That link should be in the chat. Starting from the

top, working our way south. Here's what people got stuck in their ears. Coffee grounds. Why? What did you lose? Your ear needs to wake up. Here we go. Rubber bands.

Sure. Several hair bands. How does that work? Because seven isn't enough. Well, you get one in there and you're like, this is a great place to keep it. And then the rest. Ready?

Like poison? Like. Yes. Yes. Poison. Cinderella. Rat. Winger.

All the hair bands. All of them. That does track. That totally tracks. This is in quotes. They're always fun when they're in quotes. Patient's siblings put a piece of paper in patient's ear trying to show him a magic trick. That's some mean brothers and sisters.

Let me put it in this ear and then I'll make it appear out of that ear. Is what one's sister told a brother. Some of these we have images for. They might be accurate. They might be what I hope the person tried to do. The next one is lollipop. Oh, my God. That's not accurate. They might be what I hope the person tried to do. The next one is lollipop. Oh my God, that's not accurate. But what if

okay, ready moving on toy sword, of course, that's say that say that seven times fast toy sword. Yep, you can't do it. Toy sortie to nope. Okay quote take shower with earplugs in ears and attempt to prevent water

from going in and now earplug is stuck in left ear yeah that's on you that's on you bobby pin hair yes bobby pin hairpin i don't know the difference between a bobby pin and a hair on where are my bobby pins what's the difference between a bobby pin and a hairpin? Han, where are my bobby pins? What's the difference between a bobby pin and a hairpin? I don't know. A hairpin might be bigger. The shape. I think sometimes a hairpin is bigger. You guys are both gentlemen who've had long hair.

Zach, did you ever wear your hair in a bun? Great question. Great question. Great question. I have it pulled back right now. It's long right now. This is part of a midlife crisis. It was either this or by a Mazda Miata. Where do you categorize the sweater that you're knitting? This? This is just my wife's sweater. Well, you're making it for her, and I love it. I was going to ask regarding your hair,

where are you practicing martial arts these days? where are you practicing martial arts these days? What's that guy's name? Siegel. What's the actor's name? Steven Siegel. Steven Siegel. Steven Siegel. Steven Siegel is the BoJack Horseman

version of Steven Siegel. I guarantee. Steve Seagal. Yeah, you guys know Steve Seagal. Konichiwa, I'm Steve Seagal. This is All Things Considered. You know what?

It's his friend, Charles Norris. Charles. Okay, here we go next thing hair trimmer attachment i don't know why quote found a bead and placed it in his ear so he wouldn't lose it you're an idiot that's what pockets are for next thing toy dinosaur i know tweezers fiberglass quote here's a new thing fiberglass that gets everywhere it does quote car was okay here we go this one has a little story to it okay good car was rear-ended and he hit his head on the back of the front seat also has headaches since he also put a piece of paper in his right ear one month ago. It's not the car accident, buddy. So that's the guy who,

like the kid who's telling the story and won't get to the real part of it until later. So we were walking with our friends and then we went around the park, but instead of going this way around the park and then me and Sophie did heroin. You're like, what? No.

Ready for the next three? Tooth. In your ear. What's in your tooth? Comb tooth. Oh, okay. Dog tooth. Dog tooth.

What type of home medicine are you practicing that you're putting a goddamn dog tooth in your ear? The dog can get the spirits away? Yeah, man. We have a picture of this one. Plastic magic wand. That trick did not work. No. Okay, ready? Here's a new one. Quotes. Was sleeping

when her four-year-old child broke wooden tip of paintbrush and put it in her ear. Zach, you have a four-year-old. Is that within the realm of possibility? That is within the realm of possibility with your four-year-old. Let's just say that we've had some problems removing things from the urethra. Okay.

Oh, wow. We'll get there. Let's just say we'll get there. We'll get there. Well, John. I wish your name was franklin so i could have said we've had some problems with the urethra franklin she she did the music for under siege

one way to get respect okay ready? All right, pen cap marker tip nail in AI quote was another one was experiencing pain in ear. So rolled up pieces of paper to put inside it, change them out a few times when the last one became stuck in ear. Yeah,

so they try to get more paper out with paper by putting him in by jamming it. Yeah, yeah, pearl piece of wicker clothes hamper. Stop fiddling around with stuff, people. I mean, that's the moment where, as a parent, you become like a cop as you see your kid over. And that might be an adult. The kid's just trying to rip off a piece.

What you doing over there, bud? What's going on? How we doing? How we doing tonight? The body is not your hiding place. That's what I want people to understand. Here's one, and we do have a pick. Put a crayon in each ear in school. Crayon removed from right

ear, but not from left. We did the best we could, ma'am. That's the way she is now. Necklace. Not part. Not a locket. Not a the way she is now. Necklace. Not part. Not a locket. Not a pendant. The entire necklace. Bracelet. We're still in here. Receipt.

That is not how you do your taxes. Can you just get it emailed to you? How would you like it? Like an email to you or stuffed in your ear? Clay. Clay. Yes. I'm not a person. I don't think. Yes. Quote had earbuds and ears under his snowmobile helmet hit a water bar and his helmet pushed his earbuds

deep into his ear. Oh, she candle wax that one. I kind of get it's my favorite band. That's my favorite band from the early two thousands. Yeah, candle wax blue slime plate. Here's a new one. Placed BBs in earbuds and forgot they were in there. Stuck the earbuds on and now has two BBs lodged in ear. BBs are definitely

something that we played with when we were kids. Yeah, you shoot them. You shot BBs. Soda Can Tab. Plastic Spoon. Soda Can tab. He was hanging out with Jimmy Buffett. Okay, fair enough. Air soft pellet piece of purple crayon, small rock, all

same patient. Yeah, I know never learn. Okay, and then this one ready felt something in their burning sensation flush the ear and here's your picture. A worm flushed felt something in there, burning sensation, flushed the ear, and here's your picture, a worm flushed out.

Oh! Oh! That feels like Alabama, John. Here's my question. Do you get to name it? Do you get to name the worm? No, you fish with it is what you do. All right, ready?

Moving on to the nose. Here we go. Oh, God. Earplug. Of course. Because that's where they go. They need to learn your shapes. Confetti.

Balloon. Happy New Year. Candy wrapper. Sure. Next thing, we got a picture. Fake diamond. Why not just say real? No one would have known.

No one's going to know. He went to Jerry. They're going to know. They're not going to know. They would have known no one's gonna know he went to jerry they're gonna know they're not gonna know they're gonna know he should have gone to jared and stuffed it up his nose flower this is in the nose sunflower seed sure you are not a chia pet toy toy car tire toy lizard tail just the tail well now the toy lizard tail. Just the tail. Now, the toy lizard tail, now this, I believe, was a QAnon conspiracy thing. This is all the Democratic Jews had lizard tails up their nose. Steel nut. Sure.

Quite a bit of tissue paper. Quite a bit. Even a little bit is quite a bit. If you can't get it out, it's too much guys can I just say something you can say anything

Randy if you're going to make for the QAnon and stuff I don't know if I can I'm sorry I know how you feel about it fair warning I know you have

your theories about QAnon. Sure. You have conspiracy theories about that. You have things you believe about. Okay, back to it. Mini flashlight. How small is mini? Mini bowling

pin. Sure. Sponge. Toy carrot. We got a picture of this one googly eye. That's a kid that is a kid at preschool right there bread bread. That's one way to take the communion pom pom two

batteries peanut and here's the one we're going to close out the nose with sister's hair what And here's the one we're going to close out the nose with. Sister's hair. Oh, God. What witchcraft is going on in this house? How little are the parents paying attention to the kids for that? At this point, yeah. Agreed.

Okay, ready? We are now moving on to the throat. Then after throat, we get into the real fun stuff. Okay. Here's things people had stuck in their throat in 2020. Disposable straw. That's not what they mean. No, that's things people had stuck in their throat in 2020 disposable straw. That's not what they mean. No, that's not what you throw metal straw

metal straw. Yeah, plastic fork, plastic cup, plastic jail wristband. What are we going to do when we get this off? We're going to eat it. It'll go down. It'll go down.

It'll go down. Cat toy. Look, I know everyone wants their cat to like the toy they got them, but you don't need to show the cat that much what to do with it. Come on in here. Get in here. Come on. I'm down here.

Give me a kiss. I know. I know you don't love me for real because you're a cat. Give me a kiss. Bib. Now, here's the next one. I'm going to say a lot of things that gross me out, especially when we get to the next

holes, but this one just seems so gross to me. Piece of sock. I feel like it would be better if it was a whole sock. Just the piece. What are you doing? First of all, he's not ridiculous. Nobody can eat a whole sock. Right.

You eat a piece, and then you save a little. You microwave up the rest of it later. Here we go. Next thing. Ready? Not for sure, but it was either, quote, a bee or a wasp. In their throats. You're not saving it.

As Zach famously said, we start losing the bees. We're done. We're done for. Your internship at UCB will not matter. But if it's a murder wasp, that's fine. Yeah, murder hornet. Jesus, come on. Small pool ball. I have no idea what that is. It's like a little mini bumper

pool ball. Billiards. I don't know if this is related to our earlier one. Honey. Ready for this? We'll pick. Tip of a knife. Just the tip. And I'm not doing that as a joke. I'm saying, what is happening?

Yeah. This is someone who wants to get into sword swallowing, but they're like, let me do a little bit. They're trying to be Tupac and above the rim. It's like that great old Seinfeld. It's the Seinfeld bit. It's like the guy who, and that's incredible, who catches a bullet in his teeth.

He's like, how did he practice? He's like, okay. You start tossing to him. Okay, Jake, this next one's going to be coming a lot faster. Ready? Metal pipe. And this next one seems so bad. Sewing needle.

Oh. Mac, why'd you do that? Okay. Ready? Moving on. We have four more. Electrical tape. Sure. Thermometer. Yep. Glow stick. And how

perfect for 2020. Someone got stuck in their throat. A tiny small American flag. There you go. I guess it's better than a Confederate flag. I agree. Oh, look at the reverse. We're throwing up the reverse for

everybody you can now see what we see which is all of you lovely people can you see what we see all right here we go we are now moving on to penis zach this might be traumatic for you there is a pic of what i'm about to show you i will let you figure out how it works if you kids go to bed yeah yep or wake up we're learning stuff tonight. This is educational. I don't want to get ideas. I know. Okay, well, I don't know if you can figure this out. It's going to hurt if you

can't figure it out. Stay the way you are and never change the first thing stuck in the penis in 2020 a cock plug. Okay, that is that's got a lot of girth to it and I'm going to let everyone else figure it out. Next thing, a tongue ring.

Well, no. In the penis, though. I forgot. Ready? That's not an accident, by the way. None of these are. Okay. Okay. Can I make a prediction?

Yes. Can I make a prediction? Yes. COVID test. Yes. And they passed. Yeah. They said break the swab off.

I don't know what everybody's so mad about. Zach, are you positive about that? Are you positive about that? Okay. Ready? String of magnetic beads. That will do damage. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. This next one, when we start getting to these holes, these are where people feel like they need to cover for themselves a little bit. Yeah. And this is where we need to remind people that our mom is in this zoo. Our mom is in this zoo. Keep that in mind. Well, you didn't do this.

This is like when Jay did Curb Your Enthusiasm and his scene was very clean, but the rest of the show was crazy. It was the filthiest scene ever. Crazy Eyes Killah episode where Larry gets the pubic hair stuck in his throat. Meanwhile, Jay didn't know anything about the episode, so he told our parents and they told our rabbi. So we're watching that. I couldn't even enjoy being on the show. We're watching the show and

Larry the entire time is like... And we're just thinking of our rabbi Bernard Lipnick watching that show with the rest of the banana sisterhood. And thanks a lot. I know. My dear friend and the man of the banana sisterhood. Thanks a lot. My dear friend and the man I love, Dave Jacoby, is watching. I hope him and Keith put the kids to bed.

Put them to bed. This is a quote and an excuse. Playing with phone and fell asleep. When he woke up, his stylus was in his urethra. Injury occurred four days ago and didn't seek treatment. Now he has to get excited just to move things around on the iPad.

He's like, you're never going to believe what happened. And I'd be like, you're right. I will not believe what you're about to tell me accidentally happened. All right, ready? Moving on. He got a burner and opened up four apps. I didn't mean to text you. Pen. Pencil. Paintbrush. I didn't mean to text you Pen

Pencil Paintbrush This is the penis That's right Metal screw in his urethra To cause an erection That is not how it works Let's have a picture of the next one

Wire hanger Men's warehouse. You're not going to like the way you look. You're going to hate the way you feel. We guarantee it. Ready for the next one? What goddamn Comic-Con is this person going to?

Lanyard. What? I went to Montreal Comedy Festival. We don't want to see it. Quote. Has had a marble in his penis and decided he needs it removed, has been in there for how long? Zach, John, Sklars, how long do you think this guy had a marble in his penis

and finally decided that it needed to be removed? Zach? finally decided that it needed to be removed. Zach? Was it a playing marble or a marble off like an old statue? Playing marble for keeps. Like marble the material. No, playing like a... There's a big difference from someone who says,

I sell marble to... I sell marbles. We have a big difference from someone who says, I sell marble to I sell marbles. We have a big difference. My countertops are made of marbles. I'm going to say... I'm going to say nine days. Nine days, okay. John, what do you think?

I would assume you wouldn't be able to urinate. Right. So I'm going to say 24 hours. 24 hours. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say three days. Three days. I'm going to say one year.

One year. And I can see your mother. All right. There's my mom. I'm sorry, Mom. I love you. We do love you. Get your answers in the chats y'all because he had a marble in his penis and decided he needed to

remove it. It's been in there for the past four years. Yes. Yes. That's what's wrong with our health system in this country. And the very last thing for penis. He's been telling people he has a glass eye.

That's funny. I can't see it. Not there. Not there. Not there. I do have one, though. I do have one. And the last thing, and this is somebody that I wish loved themselves more,

that got stuck in somebody's penis in 2020. Glue. There you go. Better than rubber cement. Better than rubber cement. Okay, moving on to the vagina. Here we go. Shampoo bottle.

Sure. Battery. You do not insert those things separately. The battery goes in the toy first. Dan, I want Rosie Perez to be reading the next thing. We have a pick of it. I picked out this picture. It's a pill bottle. Sure.

And you know what? If that's the pill bottle, that makes sense. Small vibrator, large vibrator, paper clips. You are not a walking office. No patient patient was intoxicated four months ago. Placed a crumble of tin

foil inside vagina. No. You're not supposed to put it in your vagina or the microwave. Both things can start inflammation. Both things can start a fire. Film canister. This next one might be my favorite one on the entire list.

Inside a vagina. Part of a slinky. Which part? And the amazing part is it was the middle of a slinky. It wasn't even the end. She was on the stairs. You know how slinkies can go downstairs. This thing just went down. Stairs.

Ready for this? Film canister. Sure. Okay. I might have already said that. Eye. Yeah, screw pen. Yes, come on. It's dump people town three bags of meth. Oh, this one. I do not. I am so glad they filed for bankruptcy because I imagine that's one of their members did this. Yeah, a bullet. There you go, NRA.

Okay, ready? Rock. Bath bomb. That's not how they work. And I endorse bath bombs. I thought you were going to say rock, paper, and scissors. I thought you meant Dwayne Johnston. No. Is it Johnston or Johnston? I think it's Johnston.

Seagull. Is it Johnston and Johnston? I think it's Johnston. It's Siegel. Siegel. Dwayne, is it Johnston and Johnston, Zach? What is it? I don't know what it is. Is it Dwayne? I don't know, but I know that all of these things lead to one condition, and that's beaver fever. Well, you called it, sir,

because the final thing that got stuck in a vagina and it bothers me on so many levels is a baby shoe. You couldn't find anything else. You couldn't break off the leg of a chair. You couldn't find anything else. A door stopper. Anything. A baby shoe.

You don't know anyone with a fist? You couldn't find anything else? A baby shoe is symbolic and that's why it hurts. You can't put the baby back in the vagina. Let's not throw out the vagina with the baby shoe.

I believe the phrase. And finally, the rectum. Okay. Here we go the rectum. Okay. Here we go. Bouncy ball. Sure. Multiple marbles. They tend to go together.

That's right. Yeah. I picked them up. I picked them all up. I was going to say, this is the same guy from the front. This is a very intricate game of jacks. Here's one. The first word I'm going to say shows up every year. The second word I'm going to say, shows up every year the second word i'm gonna

say new i believe ready uh-huh toothbrush holder in the butt i mean i know where my toothbrush is but i just can't put it away crayon you've got to keep it between the lines people quote put a pencil up rectum and now not able to sit. No kidding. Ready for this one? But I can fart out the best letter ever. Oh, the next one. We've got to pick Christmas lights.

Yeah. I feel like we decorate sooner and sooner every year. Every year, I feel like I'm bending over and you're loading me up. You know how we say there's nowhere to put these in the garage? Well, I have a solution. Every year. Every year I feel like I'm bending over and you're loading me up. You know how we say there's nowhere to put these in the garage? Well, I have a solution. We are the storage.

Ready? Nail polish bottle. Sure. Shaving gel bottle. Yep. Aerosol container. Quote, here's another one. Patent patient reports inserting a deodorant spray can inside his rectum last night as he was constipated.

Yeah. Which one of these is the lie? You he was constipated. Yeah. Which one of these is the lie? You were not constipated. To me, this is like every Diane Keaton movie. Something's got to give. I just hope his friend walked in right after because the next thing is, quote, shampoo bottle in his rectum

that he placed in there because he thought he was constipated. This guy is head and shoulders above the other guys. I need to stop it. This one? Stick. Again, that's my kid's favorite joke. What's brown and sticky?

A stick. And that after this. Ready? Exactly. It's very brown and very thick, folks. This one's so flatly delivered. It's perfect. Screwdriver and anus. Handle fell off.

Oh, God. I even ask if it was a Phillips or a flathead. Here we go. Quote was intoxicated and is uncertain if she used her anal beads or not. Can't find them at home. None found in ER exam. So it's still a mystery.

They're behind the couch. Never mind. Boy, this again is one of my favorite movies, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Anal Beads. There you go. Fantastic. They're on your head, Barbara. You've got them on your head. That's always the way.

I'm like, where are my anal beads? Pipe. Just laying it. Vibrator ring. Sure. Vibrator stuck in rectum. Vibrator is still on. Okay, well, go with it.

Eventually, it's going to turn off. Yeah, take it out. Eventually. This is a battery commercial. That's an EverRe ready commercial. Five inch dildo, six inch dildo, seven inch dildo, ten inch dildo. And as you're saying each of those, I can see

my mom on this. Okay, here we go. Apple. Sure. That's all it is. Computer. No, it keeps the doctor away. I won't wear another next one toy shark, and I hope this is what it is. That's in my imagination. It's just cute. Okay, we're getting

closer. Plastic turtle cat toy bell small foam football baseball. That's a lot of effort. Yes signed by Pete Rose actually newspaper. I hope it wasn't rolled up. That baseball was really

juiced. Okay. Ready for the next one? Yeah. It doesn't say what kind, but in my heart of hearts, this is what it is. Yeah. Cologne bottle. Sure. Yeah, it's got to be that gotta be that it has to be that yes. Yes. Or colors of Benetton of that would work to our lapidus

baby oil bottle. You're supposed to take it out of the bottle. Sure hand lotion bottle. Same thing as the thing. I just said foam dart quote. I love when a person lies about what they did quote was squatting in the shower when he got a small bottle stuck in his rectum. That

is not how it happened. It's not so it's really the bottle's fault when you think about it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. How do you pick up a shampoo bottle, Ben? How do you pick up a shampoo bottle? That's true. I mean, look, he's right.

Facts. There's an echo on that. When your hands are full, you never know. Okay, ready? This one did not have a picture, but I had to include the greatest picture of this item we've ever gotten on Dumb People Town. So it is Canon remote control picture

provided by Will Green. Yes. I hope it wasn't a universal remote. They never say... Every time I sit down, I switch to Fox News. I don't get it. They never say which end, so we can always pretend. The next thing, fork.

Water bottle. Here's, fork. Fork, sure. Water bottle. Here's this one. Quote, three weeks ago, he was drunk and put a light bulb up his rectum. Really got a good idea. I don't even know what this is. We have a picture of it. A pooparoo toy.

Pooparoos. What is that? Those are little toys. That are meant to be put up your butt. Okay, perfect. That checks out ready for the next one. We will wobble. There you go. We will wobble, but they don't fall down of your up, though

writing pen and bottle cap. We're going to close this out six magic markers and the last thing we got stuck in our butt in twenty twenty. We'll see you all in a year when we get to do this again. Put dildo into rectum

two days ago and was performing daily activities with it in place. When riding lawnmower, the dildo slid inside rectum completely. Yeah. To me, this is just someone that needs to get their stuff done

look i i hate to say it but that person was a little anal about getting their imagine though right before the writing lawnmower i'm gonna tell you david i've had it in for two days i've never gotten more done in my life I think this is the new me. I wouldn't ride that mower if I were you. Let me finish. How many people on this list said let me finish? The grass probably wasn't even that high.

The grass is always green. The grass doesn't even need to be cut. There we go. That is it. Oh my God. Those are our stories for this time stick around make it sound for more don't people town zach thank you for joining us my friend thank you so much we love seeing you brother i can't wait to thank you guys do i should i email you about payments? Yes.

Actually, let's talk about it. Let's get into it now, if that's okay with you. What do you feel you're owed? What would you pay you? If you could just dictate us your... I don't know how much you get paid for something like this, but I guess $25,000? Yes. We'll write you a Schedule F f let's just give us your info now just give us if you could dictate your w9 information and it's a corporation too and your corporation is uh distortion taco llc is that what it is i just wanted to tell you guys i'll be performing at Uncle Tampon's Comedy

Cave in Tampa I heard that place is a real mess Uncle Tampon's Comedy Cave is a real mess in there Thanks for having me, you guys. We love you, buddy. I can't wait to give you a hug, man.

Zach Galvanakis. To take us, thank you, and to take us home. Before we get him on, before you play, we will see you guys. Tickets are available right now. We'll see you on the 27th. Oh my gosh.

With Mike Eagle and Jack Black. This, I don't know for you guys, but for Dan, Randy, and myself, this thing is life-giving doing this show for you guys. I look forward to it for weeks. We appreciate you guys supporting it and us and this entire, and live performing

in this time. We'll hopefully figure out a way to keep doing this for a long time because we just love seeing all you guys too. That's a really special thing for us as well. Thank you guys for being here. We love you guys. We'll say goodnight at the end. At the very end. John Paul White,

one last song. We love you, buddy. Take us home. And mute yourselves while he plays, please. I wish I wish I could write you a song I have been trying so long Every rhyme feels wrong I wish I'd become a good words, words that the words never heard. I can't even finish A verse A melody With harmony So soft and sweet

Sounds like what it feels like When you dance with me It sways and bends But it feels like a new dance with me It sways and bends Like violence And it never ends I wish, I wish you'd climb in my heart Down where the real feelings are

You'd hear the real world, Lord So please, come over here next to me Lie in my arms softly And I'll show you things I can't see A melody with harmony It's soft and clean and like what it feels like when you dance with me It sways and bends like violence Swaying bands like violins And it never ends, never ends

I will love you from this moment on Until my last breath is gone But I wish I could write you a song Why can't I write you a song Yes. I'll take all of that you got. Turn your things on. Clap for him. Thank you.

Yes. That was so beautiful. That was the best. Thank you for all of your brilliance. Dude, thank you so much. And we'll just stay in touch. I can't wait until we can give you a big hug, man. We'll see each other in person. You're the best. Thank you.

Loved it, man. Zach will be getting you your money. A full $25,000 is coming your way. Coming your way, so be on the lookout for that. It's just going to be in a brown bag and we'll leave it right by the door. The problem is you have to stuff all the cash inside your urethra.

I love all you guys so much. We're going to dedicate this comedy and this show tonight to our buddy Neil Mahoney who passed this past a little over a week ago. Love that guy and he was all about the comedy and all about the goodness and good vibes and that's exactly what this is all about.

We love you guys and oh shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around, make a sound, come here down, it's Dumb People Town.