Dumb People Town - DPT Mini - Alex Edelman - Whippet Real Good

Episode Date: July 10, 2020

A Syracuse man rams his car into a smoke shop and get into a fight with an EMT.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population Edelman alex edelman hi guys welcome to town man how are you i'm so excited i've always my parents have always said that i belonged in a town full of dumb people your dad almost won a nobel prize for his work with hearts so yeah everybody's dumb around that dude yes he is an idiot except yeah your your mom calls him an idiot which i think is hilarious is that story on your new album we'll talk about it in a little bit it is it is my my mom thinks my dad's a moron and of course it was it's on the album it was the first question i said i told my parents i was putting out an album and my mom was like

do you have that story about me thinking your father's a moron? And I'm like, yeah. And my mom just went, good. That's great. Well, I have a question for you. And you and I have walked and talked and philosophized about things. But what do you think? I'm curious to think as a young person, as somebody who has your perspective, you're worldly, you've lived in England, or you spent a lot of time over there.

Tell me about, do you think the world's getting dumber? Or are we just kind of more hip to the more dumb stuff that's happening? What is the phenomenon? Not to get too philosophical, but I think people crave simplicity in a world that is increasingly nuanced. So they put nuances in a black or white shade and that doesn't always make sense so uh i think people are really simple i think people crave like right or wrong good or bad like they want a binary that is very stupid so um so that's what i think is happening more and more and they don't

want a reaction to a more complicated right and they don't want to do the hard work that it takes to understand a nuanced world so like you said it's either this way or it's that way yeah it's either you're a villain or a hero you're an ally or an enemy you know like it's just you know there's no there's no nuance there's no there's no fence you know yeah yeah gotcha atheist or zealot you know like you gotta be one of two things red socks or yankees you know well that's hero or villain uh all right and i'll let you decide which is the hero and which is the villain i know where you land all right uh we got a great story sent to us from our dumb boots on the ground god do we love them The way you do it is you hashtag

dumb people town. You send the story to our tweet at Daniel Van Kirk and then he knows which came first and he can time stamp it and here we go. Okay, you ready for this? Yes. This was sent in by Brian Cohen. Okay. Thank you, Brian. I know.

I agree. I like that you found a Jewish guy to send in a story for Alex Settleman I love that that's perfect Brian Cohen sent this in You can find him at Brian Cohen BBC Great Also appropriate in a weird way For Alex Settleman

Love the BBC This comes from Syracuse.com And it happens in This is one of the more delightful town names I've ever heard you guys might be familiar with it This comes from Syracuse.com. And it happens in what I... This is one of the more delightful town names I've ever heard. You guys might be familiar with it. Maddydale, New York. Maddydale.

Maddydale. Do you know Maddydale? Yes, I do know Maddydale. What is it? Home of the Maddy. Ah, stop it. And it's spelled exactly like you would want it to be. M-A-D-D-a-l-e there you go

maddie dale new york a syracuse man i'm gonna this is the breakdown of what happened i wanted to get into it okay okay i can't wait a syracuse man rammed his car into a smoke shop, stole Whippets, got high, then had an issue with an EMT who tried to help him. Yep. Have you ever done a Whippet? I was going to ask you guys. Are you asking me? I've done a Whippet. I've never done a Whippet. Alex, have you?

I think about that every time since this Whippet. I'm like, Whippet real good. It's the only thing. You just did a different. I'm like, Whip It real good. It's the only thing. You just did a different song, but yeah, Whip It real good. I can't say, but no, I don't think I've ever done a Whip It. I think I've accidentally inhaled a helium balloon that's already been blown up, but I don't think I've already. Nitrous.

It's not smart. It's a three-second high. But it's real fun, right? It's kind of fun. It's like the little dragon roller coaster when you're a kid. It just kind of goes up and down real quick. A giant wave washes over your body for about 10 seconds. You are sitting on a chair, and then all of a sudden, you're underneath the chair.

Really? And that's pretty much it. I was once in a room in college where people were doing Whippets, and they weren't the best advertisement for it. No, it probably doesn't look fun when you're watching someone do it, but when you do it, it's like a kid. I feel like if you didn't know anything about dan van kirk you'd look at him and be like boy this guy's doing whippets right now i'll take it yeah i'll take it why not he's a man of the people uh okay so here i think the first line is basically the

headline a syracuse man rammed his car into a smoke shop to steal nitrous oxide cartridges and then got high. But I love that that was his way to do it. I'm going to create my own diversion and then not be, you know what I mean? Like, whoa, crazy accident over there. No, no, no. You ram your car into the laundromat two stores over. And then when people are like, oh my God, and the smoke shop people come out, that's when you go to get the whippets. Right. Do we know anything about how much this car costs or what it was? I'm guessing it wasn't a 2019 Range Rover.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Would that make it better or worse? This is a Ford. This is a Ford Probe, if I ever heard. What are you willing to sacrifice for five whippets? What kind of car? Can't you just sell your car? The damage you do to your car is going to cost so much more than it would cost to buy a couple of whippets.

Whippets, I know, period. If you sold your car for whippet money, you know what it is? Yeah, we'll get to it. Okay, we'll get to it. Okay. Andrew Kinnell. K-I-N-N-E-L. It's either Kinnell or Kinnell.

Kinnell. I think it's Kinnell. Kinnell. KinN-N-E-L. It's either Kinnell or Kinnell. Kinnell. I think it's Kinnell. Kinnell. But the two L's would make me feel like it was Kinnell. Oh, yeah. Kinnell. Kinnell. It might be Kynel. That's what I was... He's probably like, it's Kynel, asshole. It's Kynel. Yeah. Andrew Kynel

now faces a slew of charges in the Monday Morning Saga, which is giving him too much cred, I feel like. Don't give him a saga. I see now faces a slew of charges in the Monday morning saga, which is giving him too much credit, I feel like. Don't give him a saga. I see my Monday morning saga. By the way, Alex, Monday morning, do you think this was a sort of the end of a crazy weekend

that we're coming into? Is this recent news, Stan? Yes, June 8th. This is what happens when there's no sports on television. You've got nothing to take the edge off. You've got to create your own. After a weekend, if he just would have had

sports over the weekend, look, I needed to see my orange men of Syracuse do something. That's what I heard his lawyer is going to give as motive. Your Honor, he pleads the case of the Mondays. Andrew Kynal.

If I can bring in Bob Geldof of the Boomtown Rats. Sure. I hate Mondays. The drama began when Kynal rammed his car into the front doors of Zonen, Z-O-N-E-N, Zonen Limited Smoke Shop. So it's called Zonen Limited.

By the way, I don't love smoke shops. You don't love them? No. I don't like a cigar bar. A cigar bar is a club that you don't have to pay a membership to get into where you're just avoiding spending time with your wife. To me, a cigar bar, like a good name for a cigar bar or a good logo for it is an image of a woman with a circle around it and a line through it because there will never you will never see a

woman in a cigar bar never but have you guys done that have you guys all done the hookah thing no no i've never done you have i have i lived in israel for a little while so do we we did wait will you please will you please tell your joke that you told me the other day about living in Israel? That I said living in Israel. I said it doesn't really count as being abroad because it's just like being in New York but with fewer Jews.

I love it. So the drama began when Kynal rammed his car into Zone Unlimited, which happens to be at 6697 Old Colomer Road, according to the Sheriff Sergeant. No, please don't do that to people. Not that I don't love the song, but it'll get stuck. And then this was all according to Sheriff Sergeant John Sieber,

S-E-E-B-E-R. After busting into the business, John Sieber has the type of face that looks like it was just punched really hard. Yeah, he also won't pass in basketball leagues. Sieber! Sieber, come on, man. I'm open, bro. Sieber, you gotta pass.

You gotta look under the basket, man. They all come to you because you don't pass. Dribble with your head up, Sieber. John Sieber. John Sieber. You get no H either. Jan Sieber. it man they all come to you because you don't dribble with your head up seber john seber john seber uh yet no h either yon yon seber after busting into the business kynel stole

nitrous oxide cartridges also known as whippets which were created for whipped cream dispensers right that's how it all got going sure kynel then drove off down east malloy road to the maddie dale fire department he drove to the Matty Dale Fire Department. He drove to the fire department.

Oh my God. Let me fix this situation. Because he's dumb. Yeah, right. It's a dumb choice. That is located at 172 East Malloy Road. They really want you to know where to go on the dumb people town walking tour. It's unclear if he inhaled the nitrous gas before or after arriving at the fire station.

Why would you go to the fire station after you just committed a big time B&E with your car? With the same car. I don't know how you can drive after you do a handful of whippets. What car is this? I know, we're going to find out. Ooh, he asked at the right time

because Kynal crashed the Mazda 6 sedan he was driving. Did you know it was a Mazda? Is this the greatest commercial for the mazda six ever the most mazda commercial possible anyhow crash your car into the smoke mazda too legit to quit then you crash your car into a smoke shop you get a mazda six it comes with a whip it and an uncle cracker CD and you are good to go because life is a highway. There you go.

Kinell crashed the Mazda six sedan. He was driving. Notice they don't say his. Yeah, this is the one he was driving it. So it may not have been his when the EMT who had just arrived at the station responded. Kinell was in an unconscious stupor behind the wheel we're going to take a quick break when we come back we will find out what happens with kynal and the emt which is also my favorite 80s cop show kynal the mt alex edelman's

with us don't go anywhere stick around make a sound there's more don't people town hey guys welcome back to the show uh we have exciting news about alex edelman uh this is one of our favorite comics yeah before we get into it we gotta say this can i say this i love his stand-up so much uh i think if you love smart comedy this show is about being smart in a time of stupidity uh your bits are great your stories are fantastic and i know a time of stupidity. Your bits are great. Your stories are fantastic. And I know a lot of the material. Do you do the free solo bit? Is that in this thing? I don't.

I don't. That's going to be the next album. Dude, you have so much stuff. If that didn't make it on this one, I cannot wait. So your album drops today. Please tell people how they can get it and where they can listen to it and how they can support it. It's on all fun, fine streaming platforms, but obviously it's on iTunes.

And I link to it in all my social media bios. I'm at Alex Edelman on Twitter, at TheAlexEdelman on Instagram. And it's my favorite. People kept going, when are you going to put out an album? So I got my favorite jokes in the first seven years of of doing comedy and like put a hard cut off date on them and so it's my favorite jokes for my first uh seven years doing stand-up my first two great first seven years my friend yes for real for real man you came and just did a guest set in our flapper show and it was just you you texted me you're like that was great hey i'm coming over you just said hey i'm coming over and then you came over and you're like hey can i jump on this show we're like yes are you

kidding me i came to watch i'm i was you know the funny thing is randy and i were walking around the other day and i was just and he was discussing like you know cheap seats store he was telling cheap seat stories and i was trying very hard not to be like, I was trying not to fanboy out about something. Well, that's very sweet. I mean, it's, but you know what? Because Alex Edelman came, I feel like you helped keep, what's his name there?

JP Buck, so that we could see. Yeah, I feel like you were the reason that maybe we were able to do Conan after JP Buck's star set and was like, I want you guys to do Conan. So thank you. He's the best. Thank you for that.

It's the best. It's the best. So the name of the album, just so people can search it and find it is. The name of the album is until now, of course I should, the name of the album is, is yeah,

is until now. And it's, it's a lot of fun. It's got like stories about like meeting Neil Armstrong and meeting Obama and my parents and working at KFC and all that stuff, you know? Oh my God. I love it so much.

And again, just one of our, the thing that I love about comedy. And again, we're sitting here with Dan, Dan's about 10 years younger than us, eight years younger than us. You are almost 20 years younger than us,

but I feel like comedy connects us in so many different, like the fact that we, all of us just sit around and pour over, how can we make this joke better? Sure. And we look at the world and say, what's funny about this? Just what I've learned and what we've learned from doing this podcast and

doing sets at the comedy store and everything is that that's all it is. It's not men or woman, not black or white. It's not 48 years old and 31 years old it's just not it's just like we are all in we all do the same thing and i think it connects us and that's what i love so much it allows us to be close friends amidst this yeah yeah i think so too and also like it's great because you know you i'm serious i came up admiring uh you guys and then you know i got to uh i got to know dan a little bit and saw some of his stuff and started you know and i listened to thanks

diane when uh when i was on tour in the uk at the beginning of the year and it was like i don't know it's just nice it's a it's a family of people that keeps getting bigger and it's uh it's great i love that and again you you just moved out here in the last year or so, right? Yeah, I moved out here about a year ago to work on a TV show, and it's been nice. The weather is very good. It's the most dumb guy thing to say. No, I'm right there with you. There's all the time where I'm like... We don't talk about that.

It's fucking great. It's great, man. The fact that you and I can walk around, we're going to do more of that. And I'm going to definitely get a listen to his album as this drops on July 10th when this episode drops. I'd be downloading it tonight. That's going to be my hike listen. I can't wait.

Until now, Alex Edelman, let's jump into the rest of this story, shall we? I want to remind people before I do that, they should be listening to your guys' daily pod. If they want something a little bit better in each day of their lives, it is provided by the two of you. Scrabble Country, the virus edition.

I think it's growing. And so here's your homework, okay? Download Alex's new comedy album until now. Listen to our daily podcast, Scrabble Country, the Virus Edition. And then at night, to just land the plane that is your day. Sure, to decompress. Listen to the

Good Night Show with Daniel Van Kirk. It's so good. It's like 20 minutes. Two in the morning. It's 15 to 25 minutes. I've had somebody recently who's like, I wake up anxious every morning, so I started listening to this. That's what I do. It's chill. It's what I do. Yeah. It is your... It's like...

It's chill. It's very calm. Podcast ambient. Dan, I told you that in confidence. Well, it was worth the plug. One last thing I'll say is on July 16th at Nowhere Comedy Club, I am headlining. They do cap the room. I believe we will sell it out.

It's doing really well right now. Yeah. So go get your tickets if you can. They're only $15 for another 15. You can pay a little bit extra and hang with me after the show. Literally, we're just going to hang. We did a hangout after ours and it was so much fun.

Just quite. It's just great. It's all at danielvancurk.com. Go get your tickets. I would love to see a lot of people there. Sell it out. Sell it out. All right,

let's do it. Okay. So we left this guy. He was passed out or incapacitated at the fire station, which he decided to commit a big time B&E and then just drove to the fire department. Okay. As one is want to do when they're an idiot.

So he crashes his Mazda 6, proud sponsor of Dumb People Town Friday episodes, and he arrives at the station. That is when an EMT who had just arrived at the station responded and Connell or Connell was unconscious and a stupor behind the wheel. The EMT tried to get Andrew canal to wake up and check to see if he was injured. Canal did not immediately come to,

but after several minutes, that's a long time. Minutes. Yes. Several minutes. How did he drive the, you know, sometimes how many times do you think he said?

Come on, man. Oh, 14, 15. Come on, man. Come on, man. Come on, man. Hey, man. Come on, man. Come on. I wonder if he knocked on his head ready for this sentence. Andrew did not immediately come to, but after several minutes, he woke up and immediately started fighting the EMT.

I know. Yes, I know nothing like he's an angry from behind a seatbelt like he's an angry giant six and listen so maybe this is me master six come out fighting and i just talked about how we're all the same it doesn't matter if you're 31 or 40 or 39 or 48 it doesn't matter we're all doing the same thing but i'm to now tell you how old I am just by just explaining this. When I wake up and get out of bed too fast, it fucks up my entire morning. I'm like just

getting up. Or when you wake up thinking you're late for something. Getting up too fast will basically mean that my brain isn't in my head. So the fact that this guy woke up fighting is just, I can't even conceive of that. He said, I came here to do two things tonight.

Do some whippets. Kick fight some EMTs. Break down zone. It's like we're out of guns. The list of charges on this guy must be just the most fascinating. It's like a CBS receipt. Willful destruction of bongs. Yes.

Which is a misdemeanor in New York. Which is a mis's it's criminal mischief state new york yeah that's true criminal mischief this is i looked up maddie dale by the way yes okay um it's in uh it's next to the syracuse airport 40 of the um of the population is it's with it's always works at the airport yeah yeah well so right next to the airport so that whole pop is just full of people having to turn up their reruns of everybody loves raymond when that southwest 742 flight comes in at like around 2 p.m once they get internet they're gonna be they're gonna write so many angry letters at you there are 6 000 people who live in maddie dale and the and if you google what to do in maddie dale new york it says visit syracuse keep driving keep driving maybe through a smoke shop dinosaur binosaur BBQ. Oh, I'm down for that. I'm down for that.

Okay. Deputies arrived at the fire station around 7.09 a.m. Around 7.09 a.m. Also, this is early time to be getting your whips. Yeah. And they arrested Canal. The 22-year-old... Oh, hold on.

I skipped a fun point. So, Dan, I bet he drove into the smoke shop before it was open. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. He's not an idiot. He's not done. I skipped a fun point. So Dan, I bet he drove I bet he drove into the smoke shop before it was open. Yeah, so he's not an idiot. He's not done. He just goes to the fire department after he commits. Oh yeah, so he gets up and just starts fighting at one point. Cannell put the EMT in a headlock

right nine one one dispatchers received an emergency distress call from the EMT's portable radio, which means he's in a headlock and calling into the dispatcher. I'm in a headlock. They immediately sent sheriff deputies. I imagine that's when Sieber shows up. Deputies arrived at the fire station around 709

AM and back on track and arrested Kynal. The 22 year old EMT suffered a neck injury and cuts and was taken to the hospital center for treatment. Andrew Kynal complained of chest pain and was also taken to St. Joe's. I hope they're in beds right next to each other. Exactly. Just you did

this. You did it. Canel was charged with second degree assault, first degree criminal trespassing, third degree burglary and second degree criminal mischief, mischief, all felonies, as well as criminal obstruction of breathing or blood circulation, a petite larceny, both misdemeanors. Oh, and petite larceny. A petite larceny sounds like a delicious French pastry. I know.

I know. I want Paul Hollywood to tell me those flavors are good. Let me get the creme brulee, and my wife is going to have the petite larceny. Okay, before we get out of here. By the way, I heard the petite larceny, for its price, it's a total steal. Yeah. I'm more of a Jay Larceny kind of guy. You know what else is a steal for its price? It's the

Mazda 6 LSR. There he goes. Which retails at $24,100, 187 horsepower, and gets up to 26 miles per gallon in the city, 35 on the highway, and 18 through the front window of the Zone Unlimited.

I almost bought a Mazda CX-5. Okay, ready? Yes. We'll leave on this with my friends. How old is Andrew Keenel? Keenel. How old do you think he is? Now, we know what we know about him. Crashed in a smoke shop early morning. Mazda 6.

It's telling you what you need to know about this guy. Headlock within the first five minutes. Goes for the headlock. Ready to fight. Whip-ips. Woke up fighting. Down for a parking lot hang. Yeah. He's 16 years old. 16 years old. Come on, man. Okay. You never know. Maybe he's right.

He's 24. 24 from Jason. I don't know. He's 19. He's 19, according to Randy. Everybody don't know. He's 19. He's 19 according to Randy. Everybody's good with their answers? Yeah. Okay. I will leave you with this. Andrew.

Kynal. Kynal. Kynal. Kynal. Kynali. Kynal. Make sure you get Alex Edelman's album. Until now.

Because Andrew is 30 years old. What the fuck? Dude. Are you serious? Yes. I'm 31. I was worried today

that I haven't done enough. Yeah, I know. Well, you gotta start worrying even more. There's always time for whippets. You got one more year to pull off what this guy did. This guy's nipping at your heels. No, this guy's 30.

He's 31. Yeah. Guys. No, this guy's 30. He's 31. Guys, that's the... Remember when you were 30? That's amazing. I've never done a petite larceny. No. Chef's kiss for that one. A chef's kiss for the petite larceny

and a chef's kiss for Alex Edelman's album, which drops today. Until now, if you guys love comedy and good comedy, you will pick this thing up. Let's support the shit out of this thing, please. Support our friend. He is someone we love and someone we're so happy he was here. Six days from now, watch Dan live on Nowhere Comedy.

Get your tickets for that. That is probably close to sold out. Let's help him sell it out. And who knows? We may still be in the tournament of laughs at this point. If we are, because we're recording this way ahead of time, vote for us, which would be awesome. We'd love to keep going. And oh shit we gotta get back to work

stick around make a sound on come here down, it's Dumb People Town.