Dumb People Town - DPT Mini Andrew Lopez - Please don’t fight them

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

For this weeks mini, we have a Greenlee!!! Andrew Lopez visits town to discuss the story of a man who tries to answer the questions of how many beers is too many.

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunker down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Lopez. Andrew Lopez.

What's up, buddy? What's up, y'all? Welcome, dude. Thank you for having me. From Iowa State to here, the prophecy has been fulfilled. I know. You guys are the first people I ever opened up for. I love it. That's not even in common.

That's just in the world. Open up to us. You open up your heart to us, and you let these two Jews in your heart. Yeah, I appreciate that. Thankfully, we did. No, you were, I will say this, we make no bones about the fact that Andy Kindler was super instrumental to us when we were at University of Michigan. We always took that with us. We took his generosity and his truthfulness with us, and it inspired us to want to go into comedy.

And we said, if we ever have a chance to pass that on to someone else, we ever have that opportunity, we will. And you were one of the people that we've gotten to do it. And I'm so happy that you followed through and did it. Yeah, it was truly like I still think about that all the time. That whole night was crazy to me. I ate Panda Express. I went to the girl I was dating. And I was like, I can't believe I'm going to open up for these guys.

And then after you guys were like, moved to LA. And then I broke up with that girl, stopped eating Panda Express. And here I am. Those are the three things you told me to do. Break up with that girl, stop eating Panda Express, and get your ass out to LA. And now look at me. I make hundreds of dollars a week. Hey.

Hundreds of dollars a week. No, but jealous girl from Iowa State. Well, I am really excited that we reconnected with you again, once again and again, but at our buddy Kyle Dunnigan. Yeah. And this is something we've wanted to do because we believe that your perception of the world and you just started telling us a story that was so funny.

I feel like you're uniquely tapped into sometimes people, even your own, your own dumb behavior. And you're like, why is this happening to me? Will you please recount this story? Just all I heard was I was at a game night

and got blackout drunk game night I'm the youngest one there I'm 29 everyone's around 30 to 34 and it's a Saturday night everyone is just

so into this game and I get blackout drunk by myself there you go are you playing Mafia what are you doing I love Mafia

I love Mafia too Mafia is my favorite game I used to run a Mafia night What are you doing? I love Mafia. I love Mafia, too. Mafia is my favorite game. It's so good. I used to run a Mafia night at the Soho house. Oh, really? Yeah. I'll run one for us.

I have music cues and lighting cues. Oh, my God. Dude. It's lit, dude. Music cues. Yeah. Music cues. I have a playlist, bro. It's awesome.

Luigi's Mansion is the best song for Mafia, by the way. But I got blackout drunk because I was, my whole thought process is this, is that I'm 29, I'm one year away from 30. We were just talking about how I don't have, like, I don't have family and kids right now. So why not take a night like mafia night where I have no responsibility and just party out while my body can take it.

That's right. And no one agreed with me. Zero percent of the people agreed with me. You went out on that hill by yourself. So just all these people had to take care of you. 100 percent. I won, though. Clean up your mess.

Of course you won the night. I won. I won the night. As far as you remember. This is actually true. As far as I remember, I fucking dominated. They might have just told me I won. I killed it.

Can I tell you guys something I shouldn't say out loud? Were you playing Settlers of Catan? We were playing Settlers. Two different Settlers game going. And it was a round-robin tournament. Gotcha. And this is so lame. something I shouldn't say out loud? Were you playing Settlers of Catan? We were playing Settlers. Two different Settlers games going, and it was a round-robin tournament. Gotcha. And this is so lame, and I shouldn't be admitting this. I hope they don't listen, but this is the dumb behavior I had.

I was drunk enough that I started cheating, so you know, at some point in the game you have to let go. If you have more than seven cards, you have to give some away if they roll a certain number. I was hiding cards in between my legs. Oh! No wonder you won.

But by the way, that's how the settlers actually did it. That's how you get to play. You got to cheat life a little bit if you want to make it out on the... If you want to survive on the Oregon Trail. That's right. That's why I'm single, man. Hey, dude. I look out for me.

You can't cheat game night. That's what I'm saying. Andrew Lopez, we believe the world's getting dumber as we speak, and the only way to fight back is through comedy. Our friends and our good fans who listen to the show send us stories, literally the dumb stories that get passed around the world. We're going to try and break one down with you right now while we have you here. Okay, ready?

Yes. Sent in by Eric James Hiltner at EJH underscore 3K. All of us are members of the Hiltner's Honor Program. I love it. Hiltner Awards. Who sends in stories. Been around since the jump. Thanks, baby.

Paris Hiltner, big fan. St. Lucie County. This comes from us from the TC Palm because we got a Greenleaf. Oh! This is huge. Explain to Andrew what a Greenleaf is. So Will Greenleaf is a writer who writes for the TC Palm. He covers, I guess, crime and true crime stuff.

Odd news, true crime. You have odd crime news. And his thing is this, and we still don't know because we've never spoken to this guy, and he is aware of this podcast, but we believe that he has a certain word count that he has to fill, like 1,500 words, and his stories are usually about 900 words long. So within the stories, he then decides that he's going to explain to adults what every single adult already knows.

Like in one story, he explained how an anchor works. He explained how pants work. Right. Lengthy description about things. So I can't decide if it's that he has a word count that he has it or he reads these stories and believes that the world is

so dumb that I have to explain the simplest Or he's writing the story for the person who committed the dumb crime. We don't know. So the game we play is that and you'll quickly understand this. Dan will read the article and at certain points he will over explain something and then we have to guess if that was

Greenlee or Dan imitating Greenlee's style. I love this. So this is one of the most fun things we have. St. Lucie County. Is it possible to drink too many beers in an evening? Just ask Andrew Lopez on Game Night. I'm going to kill this one. Let's go.

Apparently so, if you're Michael Monaghan. Apparently so, if you're Michael Monaghan. According to an arrest affidavit, that's what Monaghan told St. Lucie County Sheriff's deputies he did. Drank too many beers. After accusations, he tried to fight outside Body Talk Sports Bar on South US 1 and used foul language. Body Talk Sports Bar is the worst name for a sports bar ever. Body Talk is like the spray. It's like Axe body sprays. Body Talks for a Spar is the worst name for a Spar ever. Body Talk is like the spray. It's like Axe body sprays.

Like spray for when you want. Body Talk is like. Let me hear your body talk. Your body talk. So that's like a 1980s gym. You know they use that in their radio commercials. It's a gym where they only have those weights that are like all metal and tiny at the end. Yes, yes. That's Body Talk.

And they have one of those machines that like rubs you. Yeah, a belt. It shakes you like that. A belt thing. You know that the Body Talk shots, though, are dope. at the end. That's body talk and they have one of those machines that rubs you. You know that the body talk shots, though, are dope. Do you get to do a body talk shot? Well, I'll talk to you later after I do it. They don't have a shot ski. They have a jet ski. You literally have to help nine people.

You lift up a jet ski and drink it out of the tailpipe. Accusations. He tried to fight outside Body Talk Sports Bar on South US 1 and used foul language. Not foul as in birds, but rather the seven dirty words made popular in the 1972 monologue from George Carlin. Who wrote that, me or Greenlee?

Greenlee. You think it's Greenlee? Jay, who do you think? I think that's Dan, me or Greenlee? Greenlee. You think it's Greenlee? Jay, who do you think? I think that's Dan. That's too smart for Greenlee. I think that's Greenlee. Really? I think it's Greenlee.

Andrew and I think Greenlee. Jason thinks... Not Fowls and Birds, but rather the seven dirty words made popular in the 1972 monologue from George Carlin. The person who wrote that? Me. I knew it! Too Me. I knew it! Too smart.

I'm learning. Monologue is what tripped me up. I figured Dan would never call it a monologue. God, you're getting good, Dan. At about 11.40 p.m. on July 8th, deputies went to the Adult Entertainment Establishment. Body Talk is a strip club. Strip club. That makes more sense.

At about 11.40 p.m. on Julyuly 8th deputies went to the adult entertainment establishment after a report of a man passed out in the parking lot an area located near or in front of businesses for customers to leave their cars not a place for sleeping i want to say really quick none of this sounds dumb to me this all tracks this seems like iowa You like that he's telling you what a parking lot is. I get all of this, and I'm gripped. I'm gripped. So who wrote that a parking lot is a place where cars are parked and not a place for sleep? That's got to be Greenlee.

I think that's Dan. Dan? I think it's Dan. I've done this game so much, and I'm so confused. We're so not good at this game now. I'm going to say Greenlee. Okay and I'm so confused. I know, we're so not good at this game now. I'm going to say Greenlee. Okay. I'm with Andrew.

Okay, the person who wrote, was passed out in the parking lot, an area located near or in front of businesses for customers to leave their cars, not a place for sleeping. The person who wrote that? Me. No!

Dan! So much fun. Wait, you have to understand, we've done stories. We've done stories where Dan's done all of them. Or where I've done none. That's the biggest mind-eff ever. You're like Army's running game.

Sometimes they run like 19 runs in a row. Alright, go. Go, Dan. Investigators found a woman... This is also where the story gets fun. So they find the man passed out in the parking lot place for cars not where he slept. Investigators found a woman rubbing the back

of an apparently unconscious man later identified as Monahan. He's okay. Let me just pat him. He's okay. He's good.

The woman identified as Monahan's fiance, the common term for someone engaged to be married, said... I'm going to stop there because I want to read

this whole sentence. Who wrote what a fiance is? Greenlee or me who do you think i'm gonna i'm staying with greenlee here i'm really warm i've never been more confused in my life like there was a moment before my first child was born we didn't know the gender i felt like i knew more of what it was that it could have just been one of two things. It's like this moment right now. Every time you do this, it's like a child coming into the world. Do you want me to read it again? Yes. The woman, identified as Moynihan's fiancée,

the common term for someone engaged to be married, said, and we'll finish the sentence. I think it's Dan because there's not enough explanation. I agree with Andrew. I think that's Greenlee. Okay. The person who said that a fiancée is the common term for someone engaged to be married.

The person who wrote that? Me. What? I knew it. Three in a row. I knew it. I was fresh. I don't like you, dude.

I'm telling you, he's maniacal. He's got us, and we played this. You have to hear the whole sentence. Okay. This is what she says. As she's petting a past out man. She's doing hands on a hard body right now. Hands on a body talk. She's doing a on a hard body right now. She's doing a body talk.

Hand on a body talk. The woman, identified as Moynihan's fiance, the common term for someone engaged to be married, said, quote, Be calm. Please don't fight them. He's asleep. Uh-oh. Here they come. Stop.

Don't do it. Be calm. Don't fight them. Which means he's tried to fight people all the time. That's his MO. She has to say that. Yeah, she's seen it. She's been there for it.

She has said, be calm and don't fight them, and he's not listening. She's trying to get out in front of the situation. She knows her fiance because here's from the article. Instead, Moynihan hopped up saying, quote, oh, you want to fucking fight? Let's go then. Their cops are just walking up to see what's going on. Hey, buddy.

Oh, you talk to me like that? I am not your buddy. Let's go then. Then. Not let's go. Let's go then. Oh, you want to fight? He took it as a question. Please be calm.

Please don't fight. Please be calm. Please be calm. He just hopped up. He woke up. That's literally what Greenlee wrote. Hopped up, saying, quote, oh, you want to, and then he did expletive. You want to fucking fight.

Let's go then. Oh, my God. Deputies told Monaghan they were there to help. But his alleged pugilistic behavior continued he put his fist up saying let's go and then it says expletive i can only imagine fuckers investigators took him into custody his fiance this is also what i love investigators took monahan into custody custody his fiance which is somebody who i love investigators took monahan into custody his fiance which is somebody who you're going to marry said he's someone who still has time to get out

right yeah by the way she's not married yet still standing not married yet they must have asked her what happened because this is the next sentence his fiance said he ran around the parking lot and got aggressive before passing out there was no no one else out there. Which for her, she was like, thank God. He's just like a golden retriever. Let's just run himself tight. What was Tommy Davidson's old comedy bit about white people dancing at weddings? There was just a white woman just running in a circle.

That's great. Him doing that made me laugh so hard. That's great. He sounds like a Will Ferrell character. Exactly. You want to fucking fight? Let's do it. All right, we'll take a quick break. We'll find out

a very interesting fact about what he says he did this night. Alright, stay with us. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town! Alright guys, and we're back on the show. We have Andrew Lopez. People can follow you on Instagram

at The Andrew Lopez. Please follow him on instagram at the andrew lopez uh please follow him on instagram he's a great comic tell us where people can see you what you're working on and yeah i'm on uh i'm on tour joe coy right now amazing awesome which we all know and love um it's crazy that's the biggest crowds i've ever done yeah we're doing arenas next how crazy is that do you have to adjust what you're doing for that? I'm still learning, man. So it's like, you know what it is? I'm still trying to find who I am on stage, I think.

And it's kind of like the fastest way to do it is to do it at these crowds. You're like, this will either work or it will not work. Yeah. And Joe has been awesome about teaching me how to take risks. And also like, yeah, when you look out and you just see lights and you don't see any faces i can just say myself i can just say the things i want to say that's right it's not like you're in hollywood in front of four people you know and one of them you dated and then like you're like it's that's the worst so this is kind of like shooting fish in a barrel a little bit of of uh of comedy school it is good to kind of make it somewhat anonymous yeah yeah

but it's been dope and then um yeah and Yeah, and I'm out and I just got done writing on an HBO Max show and I'm out with a feature right now and it's looking good. What's the HBO Max show by the way? I wrote on an animated show.

Great. Awesome, dude. Beautiful. I love it, man. I just want to say too, just to go back to that last story, I want to reiterate this.

That is all of my friends from Iowa. There you go. That felt dumb to me I was like yeah that's living life man so this doesn't seem like weird behavior

we're not even done with this story we're going to get back into it before we do Dan anything you want to let people know about yeah just go to

danielvankirk.com for all of my dates I'm going to be in like up and down the east coast and Ohio and upstate New York and then Chicago on the 16th to the 19th at Zany. So go to danielvankirk.com.

Chances are I'm going to be somewhere near you between now and November 15th, which is where I will end my tour in Rochelle, Illinois. We're doing this podcast live at the, I don't know when this is going to drop, but at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York on October 13th. We got Michael Che as a guest, and Aparna is going to drop. No, this is the Bell House. So at the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York on October 13th with, we got Michael Che as a guest

and Aparna's going to be a guest and we might add some music to that thing. That's October 13th at the Bell House. Before that, we've never done comedy in Boston, Jay and I.

We're doing the 11th and 12th at Laugh Boston and the night before that, the Comedy Loft in D.C. Never performed there. On the 10th. So we're going to do the comedy D.C.,

Boston, and New York, all in one fell swoop. And if you go to superschoolartist.com, we'll be in Denver later that month, be in Austin. We're coming back. San Diego at the beginning of the year, coming back to, what else?

Cleveland at the beginning of February. And then we're going to be, we might add some other stuff. Madison, Wisconsin. Hell yeah. And we are going to start to book some dates of the podcast on the road, maybe three days in a row.

Look for that in the 2020 year. So all that stuff. And I want to encourage everybody to join the Patreon if you haven't. A lot of people. It is so much fun. We give as much new little separate content for you guys. We get to do stories where Dan is the one who's in the dark and is hearing the facts for the first time.

I tell my Burning Man stories. So if you want to hear my Burning Man stories. They're insane and fantastic. They're insane and so much fun and so cool and so personal. So if you join the Patreon, there are different levels in which you can give. We're saving.

The lowest one gets you that free episode. They get you that free episode every week, but they're meet and greet stuff. So check that out. And let's hop back in the story. Yeah, let's hop back into Drunk Man laying in parking lot. So Moynihan, as you remember,

was running around being aggressive. Please, baby, don't fight him. She's the only thing he wanted to do. She into drunk man laying in parking. So Moynihan, as you remember, was running around being aggressive. Please, baby, don't fight him. She's the only thing he wanted to do. She's petting his Don't hurt him, Hammer. All right,

here's where it gets fun. Moynihan of Vero Beach was taken to the hospital where he said he quaffed how many beers throughout the night. How many beers do you think

he said? Andrew, you're the expert here. This is what he said. This is not what he did. So what he said is a third of what he did. Right, right. So how many do you think he said here. This is what he said. This is not what he did. Got it. What he said is a third of what he did. Right, right. So how many do you think he said he had?

I bet he says he had four. Right. Okay. So which means 12. All right, Jason, what do you think? I think he says he had seven. I think he says he had 10 because that's the only number in his brain. Okay.

All right. Let's run it back. Andrew, what did you say? Four. Four. Four. Four. Four.

Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four.

Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four.

Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four.

Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four.

Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four. Four's run it back. Andrew, what did you say? Four. Four. Jason, seven. Me, I said ten. Okay. None of you are exactly right. God damn it. Play along wherever you are, Tony, because Matt Monahan, or Moynihan, of Vero Beach,

Vero Beach, told the beers that he drank enough Cops. No, other way. I know. That's right. This is how many. Ready? 33. Oh, my God. Dude. So he overestimated. I know. This is how many. Ready? 33. Oh, my God.

So he overestimated. Assuming. No way he had 33 beers. I don't even understand that thought process there. Assuming they were 12-ounce cans, that would be three gallons of suds. Who wrote that? Greenlee or me. Who wanted you to know?

That's a Greenlee. That if you added up all of the. That's a Greenlee. Andrew and I both. Greenlee. All three That's a Greenlee. Andrew and I both agree. The person who said that assuming there were 12-ounce cans, that would be three gallons of suds, that was written

by Greenlee. Yes! Moynihan was arrested on charges of disorderly intoxication resisting an officer without violence. That's our story, friends. Oh my God. Alright, there we go. That's our story, friends. Oh my God. All right, there we go.

Jesus Christ. That's a Friday show. Andrew Lopez, thanks for coming by. Thanks for having me. So much fun. I'm psyched for all of our fans who listen to this show who are fans of Joe Coy

to see you do what you do on the road. Yeah, come through. Keep working. Follow him at TheAndrewLopez on Instagram. Follow Dan on Instagram, too, by the way.

Get him up to 10,000. That's how we do it. And then just let us know when you're hosting Mafia Night oh yeah seriously if you guys are down

I'm down it's lit we'll make that a Patreon that'd be so fun for the Patreon fans let's do that alright and oh shit we gotta get back to work

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