Dumb People Town - DPT Mini - Francesca Fiorentini - Everything's Under Control

Episode Date: January 31, 2020

A gift of a magnifying glass causes problems for Christmas.

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population of... Population Fiorentini. Francesca Fiorentini. Hello. Welcome. Thanks for having me. It's great to have you.

We got a chance to work with you at Sketch Fest. You performed on a show that we did, I think, at Cafe du Nord. Was that where it was? And you were awesome. Two years ago? Two years ago. And you were great. And we said, when you're in LA la let's have you on the podcast and

here we are and then i've been dming ever since she's like please guys please no i think we were going back and forth and tried to get you in on another time but you weren't around but you're here i'm happy to have you the world is still dumb thankfully so dumb so much dumber it's getting getting dumber yeah but that's just because like i focus on politics which i know we will not talk about we don't really get political, but you know what? It's like political adjacent because there's dumb everywhere in politics, as we know, as people try and speak only to their constituents.

It's trickle-down dumb, is what I think. A senator said yesterday, if the evidence is so overwhelming, why do we need witnesses? It's just dumb. Hold on. Do you not understand how any trial... And you're a senator

it's dumb it's dumb well they're speaking to they're trying to dumb it this is what we're saying if you want to like actually extrapolate it out into the world

is that they're speaking to the dumbest faction that exists out there so we're comedians right and when we stand on stage

we always try to say hey where are we aiming we're shooting for the smart corners of this room if we can right i mean that's what we're trying to do they're always in the corner in the corners right if you don't get it then i'm sorry but we're not going to slow it down and explain it for you i'm not saying we're the smartest comedians on earth i'm just saying like if we have references or things in there we're not going to pull those out because we think there's an impeachment going on uh you don't know i think that's what we're referring to right now just in case but i love it because to me it feels like i was trying like what is this analogous to and i feel like it's like i'm

watching a school play of like third graders enact what an impeachment is looks like you know. And we're all there with the iPads, like, don't fuck it up, don't fuck it up. Yeah. That's it. It does feel good. We're the parents. And who's that for? That's for the lowest.

It's for the little brothers and sisters who don't really understand what's going on. That's right. Dan, let's get to the story. So we get dumb story sent to us. Do you want to do it? We're going to try and understand dumb behavior. We don't even point out and say that's dumb.

We say, why is that dumb? Right. So here we go. Sent in by Joseph that's dumb. We say, why is that dumb? Right. So here we go. Sent in by Joseph Gaccione. How would you see it? G-A-C-C-I-O-N-E. Fiorentini, how would you say it? G-A-C-C-I.

The C-C is ch, right? Yeah. Gaccione. Gaccione. But it's Gaccione or Gaccione? It's Gaccione. Because, I should have kept reading, it's at G-A-S-H-E-O-W-N-E. So Gacchione.

Gacchione. Gacchione. I've been there. You've been there. Funitini is kind of. I love this story. Christmas went up in flames for a family in Texas after a boy decided to use a magnifying glass for something other than reading.

Jerking off? No, I don't know. He's looking at... Interior designer Nissa Lynn Parson shared on Facebook how her family's Christmas day was, quote, memorable to say the least after her son used the magnifying

glass he received as a present to try and light things on fire. Of all... Just imagine what's going through... This kid's already try and light things on fire. Of all, like, just imagine what's going through the, this kid's already lit, like, all the things on fire. So much things on fire, yes. Right? And I was like, all right, we can't give him anything to, like, nothing with batteries. We can't take trips to national parks.

Right. Like, we can't go anywhere with this guy. He's a pyromaniac. So we have children, Randy and I do, and we know that in order for someone to light something on fire or multiple things on fire, you have to really not be paying attention to that

kid, right? You need some time. Because it's not like immediately when the sun goes through the thing, you're starting a fire. But when you guys were little, did you have the wood burning kit? No. No, is that the... I had the two rocks. You just sit there for an hour because I can only assume. Did you start a wood burning kit? No. I had the two rocks. You just sit there for an hour. Did you start a fire with two rocks?

No, but I definitely singed the fuck out of some ants. With a magnifying glass. Oh, yeah. I used to do it too. I would burn styrofoam cups. I'd be like, oh, it's melting. Well, that's dangerous. I mean, less sadistic.

Oh, for sure. Yeah yeah you were hurting animals yeah he was really make a statement about what dan was hurting the ozone layer yes yeah but back then we didn't care no you were hurting she was hurting pests and you were hurting all of us dan yeah thanks a lot because you got the wood burning kit no no what i asked you was there was a toy remember it was like for kids, and it would be like, you could, it was like a little soldering pan. Do you remember this? I was just thinking about, we gave a kid a magnifying glass. Was this like Jax? This is like pre-date me.

This is like a gift from the 60s. My little welder. There was like a gift, this was like a toy for kids in the 60s. Where it was like a little wood burning thing, and it was like the hottest thing in the world. You guys don't remember? I don't remember those.

Do you remember how they had like the My Chemistry set for kids and it literally had like chemicals in it that were like you could really harm yourself. I wanted one so bad.

Yeah. She just wanted to like You just want to pour one thing into another thing and watch it bubble over and then you open it up and now you're working for Monsanto.

Yeah. That's how it starts. That's how it starts. That's how it starts. It's a solid career. It is a solid career. Caden, you're all ready. I don't like the kid. Caden.

With a C or a K? C-A-D-E-N. C-A-D-E-N. Y-D-E-N. No! Caden, Jaden, Braylon, Brayden. That's so Texas. Kaelian.

That's some Texas shit. Kaelian. Shaley. Kaelian. Kaelian. Shaley. I'm sorry. Speaking of Texas, we've all watched Cheer.

Yeah, I've started watching it. I finished it three days after it came out. Do you know what Cheer is on Netflix? No. Oh, come on. It's about- Jerry? Jerry.

Jerry. Wait, is it about actually a squad? Come on, ladies! Come on, ladies! You said- It is about a- It's from The Last Chance U, people. It's from The Last Chance U, which was an amazing-

And they're doing it about cheerleading, about high level at this- Competitive cheerleading. So when you watch on ESPN, they do like the Orlando, Florida, the cheerleading competition. It is like super high level how they get up on the pyramids and the tumbling and all that stuff in the sink. But it is dance, gymnastics, and I guess you could say cheer. The cheer is such a small part of it. But it is like a. Also maybe make like $35,000 a year at some point.

Juco kids. No. I mean, they don't. Yeah. They don't even do. Like the I mean, they don't even do, like the Dallas cheerleaders don't even do what these kids are doing. But maybe they could be like,

if you did that and you were at Navarro College, which has won 13 championships, which is the college they follow. You could become a- Is this like a Japanese cheer? Or is it just like a special cheer? I don't know. I'm like, anything that's like more-

No, this is like college, junior college cheer. It's like bring it on if bring it on was, you know, like- I gotta college cheer. It's like Bring It On if Bring It On was, you know. I gotta watch this. It's so good. It is so good and it's just young people trying to. What's crazy is they, so what they do is the cheerleaders, if you get two people to join the cheerleaders and then they get two more people.

So you're saying it's a pyramid scheme. I do. Okay, fine. You said Kaelian. So I'm like, do you know what Kaelian is? And I just feel like what if aliens from outer space came down? I was like, it's not alien. It's a pyramid scheme. I do. Okay, fine. You said K-lien. So I'm like, do you know what K-lien is? And I just feel like, what if aliens from outer space came down? I was like, it's not alien. It's K-lien.

Redneck aliens? We'd be like, oh, we can take you. If you've ever... Hey, K-lien, get down here and do an anal probe. You hear me, K-lien? If you've ever used a plastic spoon for an anal probe. Get your sister Brayley in and you take care of this guy. He's out. We took him off the track.

Caden asked for a magnifying glass for Christmas, Nisalyn Parsons said in a video posted to Facebook. By the way, he already knows what's happening. By the way, I like that he asked for a magnifying glass. I like that he asked for an old glass. He knew what he wanted to do with it.

Quote, we thought, oh, he wants to magnify something. No, he wanted to see if he can make fire with it, and they did. He did want to magnify something. He wanted to magnify how little parental involvement they have in his life. But I like for that moment, they were like, we always knew he was going to get into science. He's so scientific. for that moment. They were like,

we always knew he was going to get into science. He's so scientific. You know, when you just have to, like, how much do we really know about things up close? Yeah, right.

He's, I mean, we have a far away look at it, but we even bought him a lab coat, which he lit on fire. The only person who wants a magnifying glass to look at something

are your elderly parents for menus. Yes. That's it. That's who, the magnifying market is for people in restaurants. My son,

my kids now would probably hold up a magnifying glass and do this to it. What is that? To try and make it look good. To pinch and zoom? No,

the only thing I use a magnifying glass, there's two uses, which was burning ants and doing the whole, holding it away from your mouth and making the big mouth face. Yes. Which now there's a filter for.

Which was like an Ace Ventura thing, right? Or a Funhaus mirror effect. Naked, gun, fun. Yeah, Funhaus mirror. All that. Ace Ventura, I think. So magnifying glass has two uses. Tomfoolery and murder of animals.

Okay, good. Animal murder. Caden's father, Craydon. I'm just joking. Justin Parson told Fox 4. That's who gave us this, by the way, that on Christmas morning when his son opened the magnifying glass, he reacted with, yay, magnifying glass. I don't know what that has to do with the story.

This kid is 15. Thank you for putting that in the article. The other son in the background said, yay, now we can light stuff on fire. All right! So now they're admitting it before they do it.

Remember how they were so surprised? Here are these two kids when they're 28 and 29. Okay, we're gonna go rob that bank, y'all. Right.

We're gonna do it right now. And we were like, oh dear. With a magnifying glass, obviously. They're gonna burn a hole. Burn a hole through a vault

It has to be sunny out How is that not a super villain? But that's a typical Elder brother thing to do also Is to convince the younger child To get something That really is about their own plot Oh so you think

The one in the background Is the older? For sure Yes And he's the puppet master And this guy's the puppet Alright Fine

Shut up Caden How old Shut up, Caden. How old do you think Caden is? At what age is a kid saying, yay, magnifying glass? You're our guest. You can go four. Four. Four. Jay?

This kid's six. Six. Kidding. Eight. All right. We'll take a quick break. We'll come back. We'll find out how old Caden is.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. And I hope you're having a happy Friday. We are so happy that our guest is here. I would say she's a fantastic follow on the old Instagrams. You want to get a lot of good fun videos on there.

What's your handle? So people can follow at Franny Fio, F R-A-N-I-F-I-O. My name's very long. It is very long. It happens. There's great videos on there. I was talking earlier before we got on the air about the video you did where you ask a softball question then a hardball question.

Yeah. Was that in a movie premiere or a TV show? That was at Sundance a few years ago at a movie premiere, which was fun because I worked for AJ plus Al Jazeera media network and no one had heard of us then. And not really now either. And so we were like, you know,

when you went on the press line, you're freezing cold, you're outside. And they're like, yeah, is the blog? Hello giggles here. And they come out and call like,

and you're the, I was the last person there. Like, come on, come on, like hello giggles was above Al Jazeera Media Network and that makes sense. And then you would go up and you would ask

like a straight up, straight regular question of softball. Yes. And then Nicole Kidman answered that and then you tried to ask one semi-real question about, was it politics or what was it? It was about a climate summit and the coral reef bleaching in Australia and she was like, I've got to go yeah

and then they pushed her away like the quickness with coral bleaching came up like yeah four people were like all right let's get her she would have answered like do you bleach your ass that's what I was gonna say if it was anal bleaching she would have answered that question she can do this one and then we got to go but the second it's coral bleaching, get her out of there. Chris Pine had nothing to say about Black Lives Matter. I remember that. That's crazy. He said that I have got nothing to say about that.

And she would tell Ejiofor. Couldn't he just say, yeah, they do. Yeah, yeah, they do, bye. Yeah. Oh my God. Yes, yes. I support any. Unbelievable cause.

I support any and all groups that are seeking to help diversity and promote health and life. Health and life and that stuff. I'm Chris Pine. Yeah, exactly. Goodbye. Chip will tell LG4 was really smart. He was like, that's a massive question. I was like, what's the line between exploitation and sovereignty when it comes to oil in Nigeria?

First of all, he knows all about it, too. I love that you, because you always lead with the softball, right? You always lead with the softball. So now they're in. Now they're in, and they've been through a whole line. They're not ready to answer it. And I'm sure you present the softball in such a sweet way that like, here comes this just, I'm going to come down the pike with just a great other

one. You know how hard it is to come up with softball questions? Like we all watch those interviews and you guys have done those interviews. Like you rack your brain for like the lightest thing. The fluffiest. It's the setup. How fun is it to work with your friends on a project? Like that's where you have to make it. You have the setup for your person. How fun is it to work with your friends on a project?

That's where you have to make it. You have to put it right there. I said, how do you do an Australian accent? Tell me how to do it. Yeah, great softball. Why are we putting kids in cages? Right on the heels of that. Because you want to catch them in a moment where they try and start to answer.

Well, let me just say this, because that's a good jumping back point into the story. If there was one kid that I would want to see put into a cage, it would be Caden. Caden. The why in Caden is, why are you doing this? Why are you allowing this kid to have a magnifying glass? Why are you doing this, you dummy? So let's get back into it, Dan. Okay. How old is he?

Well, as we said last, he said, yay, a magnifying glass. You said four. And the other son yelled, yay, now we can light stuff on fire. Caden is, let's run it back. Four, six, eight. Four, six, eight. Okay. Come on, townies.

Because one of you is probably going to say this right. Caden is 12 years old. No! It's a lot of fires. He's a year older than my son. God. He knew exactly year older than my son. He knew exactly what he was doing. On a sunny Christmas day in Texas,

the 12-year-old and his two brothers went out to the driveway and burned a couple of holes in some newspaper. But after one of them dropped the now burning paper, the blaze ended up spreading to the front yard of their home in the Dallas suburb of McKinney. Everything was under control until, that's what you say to a fireman or a police officer. Everything was under control until the parents decided to have children.

The paper burned all the way through. I don't know what the problem was. Fire did what it was supposed to do. Fire just was being fire. It was being fire. Somebody is not naked and afraid being like, please fire. Please get a little fire. It was being fire. Somebody is not naked and afraid being like please fire. Please get a little fire.

This asshole with a magnifying. Camed over here like you suck. Everything was under control until the boys came running into the house. Also, everything isn't under control if your kids are outside setting things on fire. You just think everything's under control. It was not under control before they came

and told you what was happening. Everything was under control until the boys came running into the house telling us that a corner of the lawn was on fire and the Christmas lights were melting. A corner of the lawn? There is the whole front lawn. The whole lawn is ablaze. Dad, a corner,

a part of the earth is on fire. It's really like a square foot. Meanwhile, it's like the whole neighborhood. But here's the thing. How much? A quarter. Mom, Caden.

Don't look. Don't look. I just. You guys. They all were saying the other kid's name. Braylon. Braylon started. Shilin.

Caden dropped the Kayden did the Mom, Merry Christmas. Don't be mad, okay? A corner of a piece A tiny corner of the yard. I was thinking we should get some new Christmas lights for next year.

That's the giveaway. When they're saying it's a corner but then you're like, is that it? Christmas lights are melting? There's no way that's a corner. If they're saying it's a corner, but then you're like, is that it? The Christmas lights are melting? There's no way that's a corner. If you've melted things on the house. Is that it? The Christmas lights? Get out there right away.

The Christmas lights are melting? Mom, remember the Branch Davidians? That's happening on our front lawn. You think the dad used it as a teaching lesson? How much of the lawn is actually on fire right now is it we talked about a half a quarter is it a and if the lawn is the square footage is 20 look he's in the science nissa lynn said justin and i rushed outside to see the entire front lawn turning black yes fire quickly, generating a cloud of smoke within minutes that one of the couple's sons said was as high as a tree.

Look at this photograph. Who said it was a fire? It was a tree. It was as high as Woody Harrelson at Burning Man. I know. Look at Christmas morning in this. This is their yard. Oh, this is staged.

And they're all wearing, we have matching Christmas morning pajamas. Oh, yeah. Imagine the neighbor be like, honey, the Parsons are up to some sort of Christmas morning ritual. This is the real thing. Like, it's not about matching pajamas and pumpkin spice and everyone smiling and all that BS. It's burning the front lawn down and everyone running around. I wish their pants actually just caught on fire. Then that's Christmas.

Hey, Dale, I think the Parsons are sacrificing a goat. That's scorched earth, bros. Family members rushed to get buckets of water and blankets to smother the flames while also turning the sprinklers on to prevent the flames from spreading to their neighbor's home. Oh, God. Can you imagine that? Either the husband or the wife, one of them looked at the other one and said, we are not hosting next year.

Exactly. What a sight to see. A bunch of people running around crazy trying to put a front lawn fire out while wearing matching Christmas jammies. I mean, that is a sight to see. The blaze ended up scorching the front yard of the family home in addition to destroying some of the Christmas lights out

front. The family, however, is grateful that no major damage or injuries resulted from the blaze. Yay! A magnifying glass. So wait, I'm getting no one helped. They were just like... No, the family all came running outside, but that was it. No neighbors. No neighbors is what I mean.

No. Hell no. That's your problem. Not in my front yard. Right. You made your bed lying in it. Nissa Lynn Parsons said, after the incident on Christmas Day, the magnifying glass is now going to be strictly used in non-flammable situations, a.k.a. your kids don't want it

anymore. Oh, they eat it? Yeah, but you're taking away the fire fun. The kids are like, put it on a shelf. Why would I even have a magnifying glass? It's going to sit on a shelf. My favorite thing about this,

and this cannot go unstated, is that at the very beginning, this woman was introduced as an interior designer. For what purpose? Well, she's not, I mean, get it in there, make sure they know.

She doesn't do exteriors. No. She knows how to burn down an exterior. She's just going to wallpaper the lawn at this point. Hey, we're going to put a few throw pillows on the lawn. It's an open concept. Quote, no burning like it is in house. I want it only for reading or words, she told Fox for adding that her son now.

You put that on words. That's all you put that on. Ants or words. Hey, you know what you can get your kids instead of a magnifying glass to get? Glasses. Glasses. To read words. Or books.

Readers. Her son now has some hard work of his own ahead. She said, quote, they will definitely have yard work to do once spring comes. I'd burn the yard again. Yeah, exactly. It appears Caden also learned a valuable lesson after the incident. Definitely have yard work to do once spring comes. I'd burn the yard again. Yeah, exactly. It appears Caden also learned a valuable lesson after the incident. Quote, this is from Caden, I shouldn't start any more fires.

I'm glad he learned his lesson. Merry Christmas. Caden is a very basic dude. Caden's going to start more fires. Absolutely. I was going to say Caden is a prodigy. And by prodigy, I mean the guy who sang the song I am the fire star That's our story friends There you go

There are certain gifts you don't get your kids Unless they can handle them That's what we learned on this story Know your kid Get him glasses Next year don't give them another Because I feel like he's going to get another magnifying glass What do you want for Christmas Caden? A lighter?

For what? You know, stuff. Reading. To hold it. Reading. Words. Words. To start fire.

To hold it. To start fire. No. To hold it. To hold it. I'll just be in the corner over here. The corner of the lawn that used to exist. What do you want?

Gunpowder. For what? Why? To hold it. To shape it? You're going to use it to blow things up? No. Just going to use it in the corner of the lawn.

There you go. That's the story. She's glad you have girls. Yeah, very, very. He's got a boy, but he knows a little bit. He knows not to do that. All right, there you go. That's a Friday episode of any episode. Thank you so much for being on the show with us.

Again, tell people how they can follow you on Instagram. Instagram and Twitter, Franifio. Franifio, however you want to pronounce it. Franifio. Francesca, thank you so much for joining us. This was so much fun. And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb