Dumb People Town - DPT Mini - Greg Warren - Horsin' Around at KFC

Episode Date: July 24, 2020

This week Greg Warren joins Daniel, Jason and Randy to hear a story about a man who is denied service at a KFC drive-thru.

Star Pains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Warren. Greg Warren. Welcome to the show, buddy. Hey guys, how you doing? We're good. Someone we know and love. So this is the highest compliment that we can ever give to a comedian is when we are not around that comedian, but we start doing one of that comedian's bits. That's awesome. Your classic bit, and it's making me excited for your new special, which is out on Amazon, which we will talk about later today.

But your bit about the cab driver who tried to get you to go to the Viking. You ever been to the happy hour down there at the Viking? No, we've never been. Why the hell not? You guys are from St. Louis. Hell, there's two of you. Not a one of you have been to the Viking? No, we just don't like to pay a lot of money for these drinks.

What's that? Have you never been to a happy hour before? You don't even know what a happy hour is? Well, I just think the drinks are going to be really expensive. $10 you call it's 50 cent drafts well i'm sure you can't afford not to go down but we like to we like to see attractive waitresses wearing skimpy clothes they got frogs wearing referees jerseys skin tight hell right now these frogs are wearing referees masks the question is i like to see a game, and I know there's no sports on,

and I'm just assuming there's only one small. They got 57 flat screens playing Korean baseball in there right now. They got seven in the job. I was going to say, if I go to the bathroom, I want to keep watching. There's seven in the job in there. I watched six innings. I didn't have to take a leak.

The TVs were so good. So good. In the bathroom. You have great access right above the urinals. All right. It's the best place to watch and enjoy the past. I mean, you know, there's no broads in there, so that's a drawback.

That lets you bring your mini chicken tacos into the bathroom. Yeah, if you want it, Marty ain't got no problem. Glad Marty's okay with it. Oh my God. So aside from loving your comedy and

also loving the fact that you like us brought like a St. Louis brand of comedy to New York and LA, like you took St. Louis with you as a comedian and took it to a coast, which is very much what we did. But it's also rooted in the very dumb people that we all grew up with in St. Louis. I mean, you know what I mean? There is this sort of Midwestern. There's a St. Louis dumb that is unreal. And Dan knows it. I know. Dan knows it being from Rochelle, Illinois,

but it's just, there's something actually sweet about it. Oh, yeah. I do find that in all of your comedy is that there is a true, you're never like mean about it. There's such a love of these people that you show how ridiculous they are, but in a way that says, I love how ridiculous they are. I think so.

Thanks for saying that. I mean, I think, and it's just, a lot of those people are right on the, not country, but sort of just right on the outskirts of St. Louis or some of my favorite, uh, St. Louis, but man, but I was listening. I listened to the episode with Jessica curse on.

And, um, I I'm just terrified. You guys are going to say one of these stories and I'll be like, yeah, I, I think I did that. Like,

like there was one guy in the last one. I'm like, man, I have a horrible guilty conscience. So I'm like, I didn't do that, but there's, there's some stuff that i've done hey if it inspires you to tell us of a story that you've done we're in for that all right let's jump in right away here we go this was sent in by carlene

mcdermott i love that she sent stuff in at she be carlene c-a-r-l-e-E-N. Thanks, Carly. A traveler. This comes my way of, I should say, UK Yahoo News. Okay. All right. A traveler has hit out at disgusting and discriminatory treatment from KFC. What? After he was refused service at a drive-thru because he was riding a horse and cart. So he went old school. He went way old school. Literally. How

drunk do you have to be to take a horse through the KFC? Let's go. Come on, Cinnamon. Get me up. Come on, Cinnamon. We're drunk. I'm going to take my horse to the KFC. Don't do that to people.

I was hoping you'd go the other way. I'm in love with a cinnamon girl. She's my horse and we're getting chicken. She's my cinnamon girl. Yeah, my muffin likes the bowls. Can we get a couple of those bowls? And then he turns to

the horse. He's like, you want a bowl, right? How many wedges you want? We're getting getting wedges they don't have french fries cinnamon they have wedges i just love that like every so often kfc like mcdonald's like yeah we got salads we got cleans that we got this stuff kfc every once in a while i'll be like look let's not sugarcoat what we're doing right here we We're going to put cheese in between. It's just chicken skin and cheese. That's all it is. The bun is chicken. We're just going to put chicken on either

side and that's what's the bun and then we don't even give a shit. There has to be a place for people who don't want to lie to themselves. Right? There was a time like sort of in the low carb uh craze that kfc sort of fell into it for a while right and people were very misinformed as like no just as much fat and whatever you want and kfc was like we've been telling you all along

i mean you know the colonel knows talking, Arlen. The Colonel knows health food. I don't know what you guys we've been telling you all along. This is good food. The guys at KFC corporate who are trying to

spin it. Yeah, we don't even have bread. It's just two chicken patties or the bun. KFC's been a hero on this show before. Remember, they were sponsoring people's weddings.

They were giving away a KFC-themed wedding. So I have a hard time believing that they weren't nice to this guy. But also, if you're on a horse and cart, there's rules that you think don't apply to you. Yes. So you can't be mad when you find out some rules do apply. Well, you definitely don't think you can get a DUI. Which you can. Because you're like, hey,

I'm not operating him. He's operating on his own. If he's drunk, then I'm... So there's that. Cinnamon, you drunk? I don't care if you want to test my horse. Test my horse. Yeah. She'll do the alphabet. She'll do the alphabet backwards.

But it's... You you know what it's so okay we that's four she's so four she got it she got it she got it she knows that's a d all right no but the other thing is and i'm gonna say this and dan is gonna respond with at sklar brothers but i'm gonna tell you if you think you can take a horse and a cart to a drive-thru, you're literally putting the cart before the horse. You can lead a horse

to KFC, but you can't make it eat a bowl. Now, if that horse was going through a KFC in St. Louis, what would you call it? A horse. Horse! There's three horses over there at the KFC in St. Louis. What would you call it? A horse. There's three horses over there at the KFC.

Two of them are the Clydesdales from the Bush show that they come out of the stadium. I think they escaped from Grant's farm. Two drunk people in the parking lot will see the horse come through and even though it's not a Clydesdale they'll be like, here comes the

king, here comes the king here comes the king of the one no no no Tony this isn't a thing this is this escape it's scared no no this isn't a ball game it's not opening day give the kids a ride

around the park when he comes around get us some peanuts. No, this is not a ball game. You can also use horse. I remember they described really good linemen in high school football. Yeah, Lindbergh. They got a couple of horses on the line. That's as strong as a horse.

I could eat a horse right now. Ian Bell queued up at a branch of the fast food chain in Carlisle, Cumbria, but was told he wouldn't be allowed to order because he was on a cart pulled by his 70-year-old Irish cop, John John. He said, I had queued up behind some cars and was about to order a bargain bucket when all of a sudden this manager came out and said you're not allowed through to which I'm sure he was like the hell right. Bell isn't the only one who is who has been craving fast food. The queues spotted at chains across the country when they reopened as part

of easing of lockdown restrictions were very full. He said I couldn't believe what I was hearing i've done nothing wrong john john was behaving himself he was as quiet as a lamb as though they were coming out saying the horse is too loud they're not saying the horse is too loud he's a very well behaved horse can you imagine if you are like let's say hopefully you're the designated driver okay but you everyone in your car is drunk. That is you pull into a KFC and there's a fucking horse in front of or behind you.

So you're like already annoyed with all these people get out and talk to do not get out of the get up and I want to brush him. I love horses. I think it's real. Of course it is real. We're in a drive-thru.

It's real? I think that's a real horse. It is real. It is. The man is animatronic, though. I'm getting on the horse. Don't do it. Don't do it.

I'm doing it, man. Get down. Don't do it. I'm going to sit on top of that horse. He's going to kick you. You're going to spook him. Don't spook him. I don't care

we already mentioned this place because they came in they're like you don't want them we'll take them in the end ian or yeah ian bell had to go to mcdonald's for a big mac no one there bad at an island of course tells you everything now The horse probably smells his brothers. They're inside of the Big Macs. Ian says they didn't say anything to me at all. They just served me my food. McDonald's is like, whatever. Come on.

We don't care. So you guys, you don't have a problem with my horse? No. Come on in, man. Okay. Like the other place. I mean, I had a problem with my horse. That's fine. Just come on in.

You're acting like you've seen several horses today or something. You're the sixth horse we've served. Greg, I don't know if you remember, in Creve Coeur in St. Louis, we did this bit in our act about how there was a McDonald's on Olive by Craig Road. There was a McDonald's across from the Ace Hardware, the central hardware. And that McDonald's on the wall had the story of Kreef Core on the wall, which was like the story of how a white guy fell in love with a Native American woman. Theirs was the love that couldn't happen.

And he realized that she jumped off that thing. Jumped off the cliff. Yeah, jumped off the cliff or like the cliffs of St. Louis. She got like a high ankle sprain. There's cliffs in st louis it's flat so jumped off the cliff and then he jumped off the cliff and he killed himself too and we're like what an uplifting story hey kids after you read about that double suicide why don't you come on over and have a double hamburger like are you kidding me that's inside of a mcdonald's i didn't know this man how is that fun that was on the wall i agree whole thing was written on it

I went walking in Creve Coeur Park yesterday and they got like they got a whole like kind of a waterfall shrine thing to that

Native American one oh dude that's awesome it's very sad it's pretty it's beautiful beautiful we're gonna take a quick break

we'll come right back we will dig into the end of this also play a fun little game we'll be right back after this. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Uh,

Greg Warren, first of all, great follow on Twitter. Please let everyone know what your Twitter handle and Instagram handles are. Oh, thanks. It's a at Greg Warren and the Instagram I think is at G rock Warren at G rock Warren, follow him. But let's talk about the special. It's up on

Amazon prime right now. Is that correct? So tell people about it. Where'd you shoot it and, and how'd you get it up on there? And, and I'm, I want everyone to watch it. So it's a, thank you by the way hey can i say one thing sure um yeah i before we get to that i i've been listening to some of the episodes uh and uh dan plays maybe the best drunk guy that i've ever ever i mean because it's so hard to play drunk because everybody sort of overdoes it a little bit man and you undercut it just the right amount where it is yeah it's something i've i always panic when it's like oh i have to play a drunk person in this bit of it you have to be really confident and unsure of

yourself you need to like you need to like be defiant while also seeking approval that's right yeah it's really good man thanks it's it's really really good so good so the special is called uh where the field corn grows uh-huh nice and um i i uh it's it happens i was in iowa a while back and there was you know i was doing a show and there's all these farmers and i i don't know anything about farming i mean both of us lived we grew up within 30 minutes of a million farms yeah you know we all so i um i asked this farmer what do you what do you uh grow and what do you farm and he said beans and i said like green beans and they all start laughing at me like i'm the dumbest right he thinks we're going green beans oh that's a good one there green don't this mean

all this fella you know i just asked you one question i don't know it was soy beans green beans that's not that ridiculous but exactly like i didn't say jelly beans like you know i said uh soybean you didn't say blue jeans you said green yeah yeah mexican jumping yeah i um so uh you know i i um i started telling that story and i just little by little started doing you know talking a lot about farming and what i didn't know about farming and i visited a bunch of farms and it's it's not all about farming but it's it's the central theme of my lack of knowledge of farming and i shot it um you guys will know in edwardsville illinois yeah which is um yeah just about 45 minutes from st louis and it's adjacent it's farm adjacent so i got that

st louis bread company so many times in edwardsville really so you want to impressive that you know that it's not panera yeah that's right he He knows. Bread company. So, yeah. And there was a bunch of farmers at the show and it was, yeah. We put it up on Amazon. These guys, 800 Pound Gorillas. Yeah, that's who did Canaan's. Canaan's album. Oh, yeah.

They are starting to get into video and they wanted to do something, so we got it up on Amazon Prime just recently and it's so far so good. Yeah. Are people watching? video and they wanted to do something so we uh we we got it up on amazon prime uh uh just just recently and it's so so far so good yeah are people watching how how has the reaction been so far have you been like sort of seeing on your social media that people are yeah i mean it feels like the biggest thing you know that i've done you know you know you know i don't think we've gotten they got like real early numbers and it was great but we don't have um we only had like

three or four days of the first so So they're real happy with it. From the social media, it feels like it's bigger than any of the other stuff I've done. It's great. Dude. You know, everybody, you know, getting really, really, really nice messages. And of course, there's always one or two. Sure. You're not doing it right if you don't piss off a few people.

You know what I mean? Like it's bad if you don't. I was feeling so good about myself, and then I got this message on Facebook. It was like, I'm a farmer's wife, and I hate you for your joke about daylight savings time. Oh, my God. I was like, okay.

If you're going to die on that hill, you might as well. Maybe you can die on that hill. Maybe she is going to die on that hill. I see you enjoying Facebook. Exactly. That's what it's for, for dummies to come out. But I will say this. We said it at the top of the show, and we'll say it again.

You are one of our favorite comics. Oh, thanks, guys. Proof is in the pudding. Randy and I walk around and do the Viking bit all the time. I swear to you, the fact that you let us do the bit with you makes us part of like your comedy team. You guys do it better than I do. No, no. I'll never forget it because we know exactly where you're going with it. I remember like when we were at Moon Tower Comedy Festival and you did the, and we were calling the ping pong tournament and Greg-

Which is the greatest thing ever to see you guys call that ping pong tournament. Hours of just ping on pong action. It's so good. Ping on pong action. It's so good. And Greg played and he lost. And so we always interviewed the loser. And without even talking to you, this is why I love you, man. Without even talking to you, we started to ask,

where are you going to go after the show? And he's like, I'm going down the bike. And we started going into the bit without, this is what I love, non-verbally we just started going into it. And it was like, we'd planned to do that all along. And it's just, it's beautiful, man. Yeah, it almost helped me get over.

That was like the quarterfinals when I lost. Yeah, you got deep. You went deep. It hurt. It hurt. They're real bad. Look, dude. You can't just shake that off.

No. All right. So let's help. Let's help Greg Warren forget the pain of that loss at Moon Tower. If you have Amazon Prime, again, tell them the title of it so that people can watch it and then just tell everybody about it. So it's called Where the Field Corn Grows. Where the Field Corn Grows.

Or if you search Greg Warren, I'm sure you can find it on Amazon Prime. We all have Amazon Prime right now. That's how we're getting everything in our lives get the app watch it watch him on your phone as you go to sleep watch it on your tv do whatever you want to do but i know everyone out there is starved for new comedy this will be the comedy that you turn to and makes you happy watch one of our favorites okay where the field corn grows greg warren check it out and let's get back to the end of this first of all there's a fun little sometimes in these articles you get like a read more where they want to tell you about some other article.

Absolutely. This is I'll just read it as an aside. Here it is. Girl who says read more girl who stabbed best friend in back over fear she'd steal her boyfriend is spared jail. The literal backstabbing stab someone in the back because

she feared that this woman was going to stab her in the back. This is like a hardcore version of Jolene. Yes. Back into this. So we got Ian Bell, who couldn't get his KFC. They wouldn't serve him. Went over to McDonald's. No one gave a shit about him and his John John horse. Nope. So he's

got like a salad shake or whatever it is. So at the time, he's the bell end. Yes. That's my British rip on something. Quote, he added, I think my, this is Ian Bell, I think my treatment from KFC has been downright disgusting and discriminatory against people who use horse and carts. First of all, how many of you do you think there are? Yeah.

Secondly, is it disgusting or just a policy? Yeah, it's a policy. You don't agree with the policy, and so you're now calling it discrimination. Right, but you remember I told the story when I was in Santa Cruz, and I needed food. It was too late. It was either Jack and Box or Taco Bell. You tried to walk through the drive-thru.

No, I called ahead to see if they were actually open, and the guy was like, you can't walk through here, but if you get one of those little like somewhere between a motorbike and a bike, those like little jump bikes that they have. He was like, to me, that counts so you can come here. So Andrew Youngblood and I were in line at a Taco Bell for way too long and start and we're waiting to buy on a

bike. Essentially, it's hilarious. And then people who aren't on bikes ended up asking us to order food for them that turned into a whole. Oh my God, it feels like you're buying beer for mine. That's a business right there. I should sell it there. It is. Upsell it.

Uber treats. I feel like Ian, he just won't stop talking about KFC, yet he doesn't. It's kind of a shot at McDonald's. I mean, they took care of them. Yeah, if you can't be with the one you love, eat with the one you're with. He says, the horse and cart

is a common way to get around where I'm from. Unless you're Amish. No, it's not. No, it's not a common way. It maybe was a common way in the 1800s. Stop trying to bring it back. Even the Amish know you can't go through. I know. I know. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know. I know through KFC. I know. Ian Bell argued that horse and carts were around long before motor cars. This is when someone tries to make a different argument. You're not just arguing about timeline. No one's having a timeline argument. No one is debating you on that. No one's arguing. My dad does that, man. He takes a different tack.

As soon as you back him into a corner, he's going to go with a different argument. 100%. And he still couldn't understand why he hadn't been allowed to order. If KFC came out and I was like, have you met Ian Bell? That's why we didn't serve him. I'd be like, I get it. We said it was about the horse.

It's about Ian. If your dad answered back that woman who was the wife of the farmer, like he would start a different thing. Well, did you know that Arizona doesn't have daylight savings? She's like, what? I'm not even talking about that.

Well, look it up. I don't think you respect Arizona. Diamondbacks have gone to hell in the last couple of years. And they stole a team. I tell you,

I hate that Bill Bidwell more than I hate that son of a bitch. Wait a minute. That do we get the Arizona Cardinals? That's not even the Diamondbacks. The guy was greedy. I'll tell you that right now. The guy was greedy. I had season tickets down there. That would be great if somebody came in and used some

bullshit complaint. And you just start another argument. You don't even like flying United. And they're like, what? Oh, there you go again. there you go trying to change the subject and deny it kfc defended the manager's decision insisting that the horse-drawn vehicles aren't allowed through drive-thrus because of the safety of its guests a spokesman said this is kfc not giving a shit now to hold your horses. Carlisle. We're not looking to stir up trouble.

We're sorry for Ian and John John's experience, but the safety of our guests is really important. So we can't allow horse drawn vehicles in our drive. Why didn't they say horsing around? General horseplay. We asked him to hoof it off the premise. There we go. Okay. Ian, who lives

in the nearby town of Salof. The main point of our argument. Oh, stop. He often takes John John to Carlisle in a car and horse box before setting up the carriage and trotting around the street. He just wants to be in a parade. That's right. That's all he wants. Yes, guys.

Somehow, I think if any one of us went through that KFC on a horse, we'd get served. I think it's Ian. It's Ian. He was a little too proud to be on that horse. He's more of a show pony than the horse. Ian said, going around in the horse and carriage is just something I like to do. It's also good training for John John. We'll get out of here on this.

How old do you think Ian Bell is? Greg, you're our guest. You can go first. You can go in between. What do you know about him? He'll put the horse in a little trailer. He'll go downtown. He likes some KFC, but he'll settle on a McDonald's. How old do you think this guy is? He has historical arguments that don't pertain

to the time he's living in. Man, you just put him over 70. That might be it. You never know. I think he's 72. 72. Wow. That's amazing.

That's funny because I was thinking old too. I say 56. 56. Okay. I think he's 38. 38 from Randy Sklar. I can tell you this. One of you is in the right decade. Okay.

And one of you is one year off. Okay. So does anybody want to adjust up or down a year before stick with what you got and just say i'm happy being i'll go down a year 55 okay i'll go up a year 39 all right 71 71 this is where we'll leave you friends what a fun mini today what a great what a great show, Greg Warren. Ian Bell. Ian, not going to eat at KFC Bell. John John,

I hope you get a better owner in life someday because Ian is 55 years old. And I made the right adjustment. He's got no excuses to be that age. You should know so much better than that. That's only right adjustment on that stuff. Oh, I felt it. Okay. He's got no excuses to be that age and be that kind of a guy. You should know so much better than that.

That's only six years older than us, seven years older than us. All right. The album is Where the Field Corn Grows. That's a special. It's on Amazon Prime. Greg Warren, watch it out. And then also, I believe, get tickets to see the live Dumb People Town at nowhere comedy club on august 15th saturday night we love that show dan just did a show there we headlined there you have you headlined there for

those guys i i haven't done it yet uh they were talking to me i did i uh you should you absolutely should do it first of all yeah you will make money and it will be fun and they you can hear the laughs we are so excited to do a live dumb people time because if it works and it's be fun and you can hear the laughs. We are so excited to do a live Dumb People time because if it works and it's good, this might be something we start doing on the regular because every show is different. You know, it's so fun.

Oh, that's great. Yeah, I could see that. I mean, I think that's a natural fit for that. Yeah, I think it totally is. Especially in this day and age, it's perfect. Yeah, and a lot of people are like,

hey, you've never come to Bangor, Maine. Well, we probably won't be able to make it to Bangor, Maine, but we're coming to your house. Yeah, you can know where it comes. You can watch us at nowhere. And that's the same with watching Stand Up on Amazon Prime.

So I'm going to go back again and say, watch Greg Warren's special. I'll go to Bangor, Maine. You'll go there. He'll do it. All right, Greg Warren, thanks so much for doing it with us. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb