Dumb People Town - DPT Mini - Harry Moroz - The Phantom of the Rafters

Episode Date: February 14, 2020

Dan, Jason and Randy welcome Harry Moroz to town to hear about a man who secretly moves into a supermarket.

Star Pains, I know. Hey, Tatties, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you. Population, Moros. Jerry Moros. In the house. Hello, hello, hello. Hey, buddy. How's it going?

It's so good to have you here. It's great to be halved here. We are a friend of yours. We are a fan of your comedy. We've been performing on your show, which is so great. Crane's Comedy in LA. If you aren't hip to this show and don't know, and then you have another one called The Dirt Pit, correct? Yeah, that's on hiatus until it warms up a little bit.

Yeah, it's an outdoor show. It's an outdoor show, which I always love that. Which will come back. Where do you guys do that? It's in Glendale. This dude hit me up. The Galleria? In the middle of the Galleria.

They actually call the Galleria The Dirt Pit. The Dirt Pit. Wait a minute. I thought that was the Americana. That's the food court. It's the Target of was the Americana that's the food court it's the target of the Americana that's the dirt pit

for sure but it's in Glendale yeah it's in Glendale it's just this dude's house like his friend is like hey my friend runs a place called the dirt pit do you want to have

a comedy show there and I was like no no I can't think of anything worse it's a pile of dirt there's raccoons there all the time

it's actually a great spot though they have it set up nice they're lighting dudes by the way the raccoons are great laughers. They are. No joke. They show up every show. You know what's weird about raccoons?

They do. They're bringers. They bring like two or three or four. And shares. I told you the time I was like, I heard scratching on, not in my house, but on a tree outside of my house. And I shined the flashlight of my phone out my son's window. Ten raccoons.

Like five. And theycoons. Like five, and they just look at me like, bitch. What do you want? What do you want? And then they went back to scratching the tree. Bitch.

Why are you scratching the tree? What is that? Well, Harry, we believe that the world is getting dumber as evidence of Jason just shining lights on raccoons. We try and shine the light

on the raccoon of dumb in this world, and we do it in every episode, and I think we gotta get to a story with you. Shall we jump in? We do. Let me pull it up because my computer is not working. So in the meantime, do you believe that the world's getting dumber?

I mean, I believe that it's getting showcased as dumber, and also I think because we're being showcased so much dumb and people are bringing it in, that people are accepting dumb and participating in dumb a lot more. So dumb's been normalized. I know we use that word normalized and bad behavior and dumb behavior is now so normalized that no one even identifies it anymore and that's what we're here to do to be like hey wait a minute like remember when we used to call it out i feel like hey that hey dummy don't do that was something that like people would say now everyone's like

yeah get your phone out and get this guy. This guy's great. Look at this crazy guy. There's a lot of get him, I think, out there. Get him. Get him is big. Get him and post it. I've been got him'd. I'm going to read this off my phone. Dan is going rogue off the phone.

Dan's going phone. Here we go. This was sent in by Jocelyn at Little Castle. C-A-S-S-E-L-L. Little Castle's made of sand. Ooh, there you go. Okay, here we go. Ready?

Auburn, Washington. Ooh. Police in Auburn released surveillance video of a suspect they believe has been living in the rafters of a grocery store, emerging only to steal from the store, then return to a hiding place somewhere above the store. She's up in the rafters. All right. I have to say, before we even get into the story, as somebody who used to work at a grocery store, I get this.

You understand it. It's like crazy. I worked at a grocery store, too. Produce? Were you produce? I was all over. I did bagging. Were you produce?

What store? Meyer? It was in Ann Arbor. It was some health food store store it was not meyer which one was it which wasn't i don't know is arbor wellness market or some shit you can imagine someone like living in the rafters coming down grabbing some wheat grass and going back up i would have handed it to them like no joke it would have made perfect sense to me when they hired me me, I applied for cash register, and they're like, we don't see you as a people person. But I'm funny. Come on, man. No, you know what? Just take care

of the produce and the guy living in the rafters, and we'll be fine. No, but in basketball, for basketball teams, when someone is like an all-time great, they'll retire their number and put them up in the rafters. At grocery stores. Maybe you're the greatest shopper ever and put them up in the rafters. At grocery stores. Maybe you're the greatest shopper ever.

She goes up in the rafters. Retire those reusable bags. Just hang them up there. Get them up in the rafters. She wanted a bag. Hey, look, she never went over 13 items in the express line. Always courteous. She never paid with a check.

Never took too many samples. She never took too many samples. She always told other people what to do. She didn't come with a lot of coupons. Put her up in a rafting. Get her in a rafting. She's one of the Hall of Famers, right, Dan? Yes, sir.

Never once switched out the conventional for the organics for the number. Never once switched that out. Never stole any ball food. She's in a rafters now. Get her up in a rafters. Tired her number. Auburn Police Commander Mike Herman said video shows a person dressed in black, wearing a face mask, and walking the aisles of a Hagen Northwest fresh market while carrying a black bag filled with thousands of dollars in cigarettes stolen from the store. This sounds like a French cartoon character.

By the way, cigarettes. Oh, my God. She's like an unhealthy ninja. I think it's a she. It's a he. Let me say this. She's an unhealthy ninja. They.

Who knows? So we don't know how they're identifying. Right. But I will say this. We used to work at a gas station where we sold cigarettes, so I knew the price of cigarettes. I know they've gone up a lot. Thousands of dollars of cigarettes, and this is just a guess, two packs of cigarettes. Is that right?

Is that what it is? Because I remember my first, like one of my first memories of my stepdad smoking, like he would just have a carton, he would buy cartons. Yeah. But I don't think- Like he was- Once I was- You were trying to get it closed up, right?

Once I was trying, any of you saw a carton of cigarettes? Would he trade it in the yard for stuff? Yeah. Exactly. Exactly. A better it in the yard for stuff yeah exactly exactly um a better detail but a carton because it's like it's about it's like what 11 12 a pack in chicago and a carton has how many you guys might remember i have no idea had like 64 packs no no like 24 20 i want to say 24 let's guess how many do you think is in a carton of cigarettes carton's probably a numerical number right let's see how much you know we don't

smoke. I'll go 36. 36? Dan, what do you think? Dan, what do you think? 12. We can all pay. I think it's 24. Jay, look up in a carton of cigarettes. What did I say? One of us is already on the phone. Jay, what did you say? Are you texting someone? I said 64. Okay, how many

is it? See, we all get to play this game. This is why this is so much fun. How many packs of cigarettes are in a carton? Why is it so hard for you, Jay? How many packs of cigarettes in a carton? Yep. Boom. I honestly can't even picture what a carton would look like. I got it.

I said 64. What did you say, Dan? 12. I said 24 and you said 36. I know. It's 10 packs. I don't know what you guys are thinking. 64. I don't know what I'm thinking of. 64 would be like 10 packs totaling

200 cigarettes. Some cartons contain 20 packs totaling 400 cigarettes. 10 packs is like one of those mini cereal bags that you get that has a little flavor of each of them. Right. Thousands of them. Right.

But that's a lot. Thousands of dollars. It's a bag full. If he had 20 cartons in Chicago, he'd have two grand. So it's possible to have thousands. Is it 20 cartons is two grand? Yeah, because 10 bucks a piece, right? No.

No, that would not be me. You're way off. He'd need 200 cartons. He'd need 200. Does he live in the route? Is he the phantom of the old age? 10 bucks a piece, right? No. No, that would not be me. You're way off. He'd need 200 cartons. He'd need 200. Does he live in the rafters? Is he the phantom of the old age? Well, let's get into it. Okay.

Let's get into it. I love that picture I showed you. It'll be up on the Facebook page. Me too. He is sleeping in the streets, living in the store. No one's there. It's closed.

And he's still committed to like, you will not see my identity. He hasn't gotten lazy at all. Well, but he knows that there are cameras. That's what I'm saying though. Some people get lazy over time. He knows. Not at at all. Well, but he knows that there are cameras. That's what I'm saying, though. Some people get lazy over time. He knows. Not at all.

Get him up in a Raptors. Herman, that's the sheriff or cop, whatever, said the suspect- Sheriff Herman. Sheriff Herman, you have a telephone call at the front desk. Good reference. Sheriff Herman. Great movie. Just saw it the other night.

Come on, peewee. All right. Herman said the suspect first came to their attention on Christmas Day when police were called about what they thought was a burglar at the store. Imagine that. They're open on Christmas Day. They're all mad about it. Yes.

And they start hearing someone walking around. Santa? Do we have rats? Santa? Santa? Also, if you're there on Christmas Day. By the way, we got a ton of grief for the Greg Fitzsimmons episode where I'm called the guy who stole a sex swing two days before Christmas.

We call him the anti-Santa. Right. Anti-Santa, or Anta. Yeah. And everybody said the Grinch is the anti-Santa. And the Grinch used to go up the chimney. Maybe act one, act two Grinch, but not act three. We said going up the chimney is a sexual act.

Come on. He went up her chimney. Come on. He went up her chimney. But imagine if you're working Christmas Day, you're not happy there. Everyone in a grocery store on Christmas Day is frantic over something. Yeah. They forgot.

If you're in the grocery store on Christmas, you're either a Jew or you forgot something. Right. Or your spouse who's cooking. Exactly, yeah. Your spouse who's cooking. Either way, you're stressed. It's like, Harry, yeah. Your spouse who's cooking is like, Harry,

Harry, go to the store. We need eggs and we need then something that you don't understand. Or you're saying to your wife, honey, you gotta go. We gotta go. And she's like,

I don't wanna go. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. They're not open. Sometimes the only thing my girl needs is for me to be out of the apartment. Just get away from the food.

Just get to the fucking grocery store. I need you to get out of here. Go cool off. Check the rafters. Go back to produce. You walk in declaring what you need. I'm here for ice.

I'm just here for ice. And emotional support. Always. And emotional support. I need ice and a hug. But you start hearing somebody, you're like, I can't deal with this shit right. Whatever you're doing up there, leave it for tomorrow. We're not dealing with you today.

Would a hug and ice be considered fire and ice? Yes, a song of fire and ice. Herman said the suspect came to their attention on Christmas Day when police were called about what they thought was a burglar at the store. Yeah. Officers found evidence that someone had accessed a vent in the roof of the store, including some jackets, gloves, tools, and debris. Debris. I know. Debris. This is a human raccoon. Great line and debris. This debris. I know. This is a human raccoon.

Great line in Twisted, too. Let's be honest, right? They got the face mask. Face mask. This is a human raccoon? Yeah. Later, police discovered a length of rope near the entry point. They have a whole case here.

This is like Oceans 1, right? It wasn't until employees reported hearing footsteps overhead in the store and seeing a man's legs dangling from the ceiling of the storage closet that they determined the suspect was squatting in the store. Yep. I think there's someone up there. How come? Because there's fucking legs.

There's two legs right there. In the storage closet, no less. I feel like this could be some sort of a literary phrase. Living in the rafters of the supermarket of your heart. What are you, an indigo girl? I don't know. I think I am. Closer to fine.

Look, we have enough to deal with. We make a social contract that you're not going to go live in the rafters. Don't go live in the rafters. This isn't Burning Man. This isn't World War II. This isn't World War II. Did I tell you guys I went to Burning Man stop

you have to stop did I tell you I think I'm going this year and you're not I can't believe it Dan are you really gonna go Dan why won't you don't

wait for me to go Rory and I I think are gonna go and Dave Holmes next year and Andy Wood and Moshe have you been

I go to like all the other festivals cause I do those shows with like Hooper so it's like all these Desert Heart festivals out in the desert. Yeah.

It's very great. Alex Super is the physical manifestation of a boa. Oh yeah. To me if like if they were like I love that guy. Hey,

hey, you know the movie Cats? One of them gave birth to a comedian. His name is an insult comedian who will rip you to shreds in a brilliant way

you may know him as tree stump if you watch TV there you go okay so they find a rope right and then they hear footsteps and then they see legs dangling right right

police were called to the market twice in one day and once each on subsequent days each time they discovered new evidence. Which point? I'm going to ask you guys.

At a minimum, how many days has this person been living in the grocery store? Wow. At a minimum. They know for a fact it's at least this many days. Okay. Okay. Barry, you're our guest. You can go first, Tig, or third.

Tig is in between the two of us. He knows. I'll go first. Okay. I'll do a first one. Okay. How many days? Is that the two of us. He knows. I'll go first. Okay. I'll do a first one. Okay. How many days? Is that it?

At minimum. At minimum. That they know at the very least, we found out on Christmas Day, and then this is when it got resolved. Okay. So the whole month of Christmas. As of when this was recorded. The whole month leading up to Christmas.

Okay, fine. You got to be on high alert in that store, right? Like everything matters. But you don't find out until Christmas. No, I know you don't find out until Christmas, but this guy's prepared, right? He's got the rope. He's got the costume. He has to know that place is being scoped out for the entire month of December.

So I'm going for 60 days that this guy's in the store. Wow. Two months. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say two weeks. Okay. Two weeks in the store. Okay.

That's a NOAA. 21 days. 21 days. Okay. All right. We'll find out who is closest after we take a quick break. We'll be right back. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. What else can we tell you? We've got plenty of great stuff on the horizon, including our live Dumb People Town shows, which we're doing in Minneapolis, at the Cedar Cultural Center on Thursday the 19th,

which we're going to say right now, we have the guys from Mystery Science Theater 3000 as our guests, Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, Bill Corbett, they're our guests, and then the Cactus Blossoms, a phenomenal band, is gonna be playing music for

us in this show they sound like hank williams senior two young guys who sound like old country cedar cultural center we want to sell this thing out we've sold a good number of tickets thus far but we need to get many more we're like a third of the way sold or maybe halfway at some point if somebody out there who is a townie could help us. If they wrote out the sheet music to the theme songs and we could give it to people. Yes. That would be great. And here's the sheet music. Do anything you want with this.

Change it all. We don't care. Just don't change the lyrics. And the Cactus Blossoms may do their own interpretation of it. 100%. Or they may do a song inspired by the theme song. And we're okay with that, too. We're still talking to them.

Then in St. Louis the next night, Dave Holmes, the great Dave Holmes will be our guest there and we haven't even settled on music yet. Then the next night in Milwaukee at Turner Hall. So that's Delmar Hall in St. Louis on the 20th.

Only 390 seats in that place and that's our hometown. So let's sell it out. If you're thinking about going to that show, you have to get your tickets now. Because the worst thing is when a townie tells me, I couldn't get in,

I couldn't get a ticket. You're the people I want there. Get it now, and then, of course, the next night, Turner Hall. Then we've been selling tickets already for our June dates. You ready for this? June dates, I cannot wait for these. Rio Theater in Vancouver. That's on the 18th.

The 19th, we're at Washington Hall in Seattle. And then the 20th, we are at the Aladdin Theater in Portland. And we sold some tickets at the Aladdin Theater. I already almost sold 100 tickets there right away. So, guys, get your tickets. We want to see you at all these shows. We want to sell them out because we want to be able to do the show on the road live. It is such a blast to do it live.

Again, we just did it at Sketch Fest in San Francisco. Incredible. And we also have to mention that the week before we're doing that tour in March, Randy and I are at Comedy on State, which we haven't been to that club in Madison it is one of the best you've never done that we've had like three years I featured one of our favorite clubs in the country we want to send a message to them that we can sell this out before our plane come on just down so come on since it's constant people on some people show people you're only an hour away listen to the Madison show and then we'll see at the podcast the next week.

And as a guy who has seen these guys in a bar, you have to get them in a comedy club. That's right. Well, your show's at the bar. When is the Cranes comedy show? Second Wednesday every month. Our four-year anniversary is March 11th. Nice. So come out to that.

It's always packed. Yes. It's crazy. If you want to see some of L.A.'s best comedians trying out new stuff and some up and coming people who are just killing it in a small environment that always rocks, cool bar downtown LA. I always tell people, it's downstairs in an old bank vault and not pretentious. No. No cell phone service either. No.

Everyone's watching the show. Everyone's watching the show. Great mix of comedy fans and then local folks who are like, oh, yeah, this show is just great. I'm coming down here. For sure. That's incredible. It's actually the show, I will say this also, that the most amount of times our agents,

like assistants, come to because they're like, we just love the comedy here. We know we're going to see great things here. So it's a great show, Crane's Comedy. All right. Let's get back into- Before we do, I want to tell everybody the 27th of february if this is then i will be guesting on the daily zeitgeist live in chicago maybe do some sets and tell when i'm there and then on the 11th what day is that thursday the 20s around over that weekend no i'm there in chicago you're in chicago that weekend

you should do the paper machete oh yeah see if. See if you can get it. And I'll probably pop into some other, maybe like Laugh Factory and some other stuff too. So keep an eye out for that. But then if you're in and around Austin on the 11th through the 14th, I'm headlining Cap City Comedy Club. Come out and hang with me. And let's see each other.

High fives and handshakes. Okay, so before we left, we said how many weeks did you think, or how long? You said 60 days, Harry. I said 60 days. I stand by it. Okay, good.

Jason, you said two weeks. 14 days. And you said 60 days 60 days i stand by it okay good jason you said uh two weeks two weeks and i said 21 21 days okay okay adam minimum starting on christmas from when this i want the guy's name to be adam minimum adam minimum adam adam minimum uh from when this was written and when we're recording adam Immelman It could be longer right now I don't know But at this point When I have it At a minimum When this was written

The amount of days That this person Who's been living In a grocery store Are we gonna freak out When we hear this Is 23 days

Yeah That's pretty good That was too long Michael Jordan That's a long time. Wait, but can they not get him out? At that point, you're like Chuck Mangione in King of the Hill. Like, you're just part of the squad.

To get squatter rights? Yeah. Right. Quote. Possession is half the... We found where someone had been, said Herman. There's ventilation that had been moved and tracks that had been moved. We spent probably four and a half hours up in the rafters trying to hunt this guy down.

He's still... Let's relax a little bit. They don't have him. You're not Al Pacino hunting Nazis. They don't have him. They don't have a guy. They do not have him. Okay.

Raccoons are hard to catch. He might... As we're recording this, he might still be doing it. He's listening right here. He might still be up there. In the rafters. I know. Also, how relieved

must every one of the employees be that they can blame all the stolen cigarettes on this dude in the roof instead of them? Like, roof guy, you know they've been taking them. It's not me.

It's Adam. Adam Minimum. Adam Minimum's in the roof. Adam Minimum is in the roof. He's in the roof. I saw him take one of the cash registers, too. Yeah, it's crazy.

Did you see that? I did. If you're living in a grocery store. He's taking all the Prosecco, too, crazy. Did you see that? I did. If you're living in a grocery store. He's taking all the Prosecco, too, man. You got to get an eye on that. If you're living in a grocery store, how much Steve Winwood have you heard? So much. So much.

You're at a higher level, for sure. If you see a chance, take it. I mean, you know them all, right? All of them. Bring me a higher love. Bring it on home. Bring me a higher love. Bring it on home. Bring it up to the rafters.

This is the moment where you're like, hey, maybe we should spray for termites. Let's tent this bitch and see what we got. Or you just burn it down. Yeah. Back in the high life. He's in the high life. Back in the high. Back in the rafters again. Four and a half hours.

That's just a whole bunch of cops being like, come on, buddy. Hey. Do you think they're whistling for him like a dog? I'm just going to shoot. I'm going to pick a direction and shoot. Hey, come on. We've talked to your parents. Hey, boy. Herman said this is

how the lengths they've gone is a direct indicator of how pissed off they are. Oh, they're pissed. Herman said police have even used heat mapping infrared technology. Because you know they're like, guys, we get to use it.

What do you get, like a Bassmaster up there or something? We get to use it. Put on the glasses. We get to use it, guys. Hey, it's not just for the cops. I love it's like Chicago cops who've been transferred to Washington. Right. Put on a glasses. Put on those glasses. We had one of these at 81st and stole the item.

Oh, yeah. The Jewel Osco. Guy lived up there for four years. All the time we used it was to hit a company party. I bought it at the Jewels. All right. They've also used canine units to try and find the suspect to no avail. Even the dogs are like, I don't know.

Because it wasn't a shit in the deli section. Right, exactly. What are you going to do? Right. Also, by now, he smells exactly like the grocery store. So they're like, I just smell bread and milk. And meat. And lunch meat.

Right. And like- Spreadable lunch meat. Yes. Spreadable lunch meat's perfect. Lunchables. Quote, it's very difficult. This is a cop who's telling, he doesn't want to say he's given up.

Look, it's very difficult. This is a cop who's telling. He doesn't want to say he's given up. Look, it's very difficult. There are many. This is what he said. There are many, many little hiding places where he could have been. Also, still is. Still is. Look, we can't be expected to run down every perp who's out there trying to do stuff. Wait a minute.

That is your job. Yes, you can be expected to do that. That's what we expect of you. How are we supposed to find a guy who's covering his face in Nutella like he's a predator? Guy's covering his face. He can avoid this heat stuff. Can't see him. It's such a large store, and it's very crowded with venting and everything.

He's also just like, I don't know. I'm done talking to you. Everything's bad, and we did it all. There's venting. There's everything. I don't know if you guys understand how tiring it is to look around the place. Listen to me. I got to turn my head this way.

I got to turn my head this way. Did you tell them about the venting? Yeah, I told them about the venting. I got lost. I got hungry. There's food everywhere. There's dark corners. It's like a grocery store in here.

Am I supposed to shine a light in every dark corner now? What are we supposed to look at every nook and cranny? Who am I now? All of a sudden it's a hide-and-go-seek game that I didn't ask to sign up for. Four and a half hours I'm up there. You're down here with the Poke Bowl maker thing. You're down here

at WikiStacks. Guy's getting you know Easter egg, plastic Easter eggs for his family and I'm up there with a flashlight. I'm in a flashlight looking for a human raccoon. You think I signed up to spend four and a half hours looking for somebody? Yes. That's your job. That is literally what we expect of you.

I just also love the dogs that are like, I don't know. Customers said the situation sounded like something out of a movie. I think I heard in an international airport someone was living in the airport and hiding at night and coming up, but never in the supermarket, said customer Trevor Hall. This person just wants the terminal. Catch me if you can.

Or terminal. Terminal or catch. Terminal. Die hard two. Did I combine terminal and catch me if you can? Yeah, you did. Terminal if you can. Terminal if you can.

Catch my terminal if you can. It's about the story about someone being cancer. Is this Slenderman? I don't know who Slenderman is. Is this Darkman? Sarah Bull said, I think he's clever and if he's homeless and he's got nowhere to go, I think he's found a safe spot for now. I think she's single. That's what I'm

getting out of this. That's a cry for a pickup. That's our story. I love it. Oh my god, this dude. If anybody knows of that, if anybody lives near this store. I know. Try and take a picture of feet and send it to, dangling from down below, send it to.

I'd walk around it and be like, you up there, Adam? Yeah. Adam? How's it going? Yeah, Adam? I guarantee he's French. This guy's name is Guy de Flamboise or something like that. Guy?

Man on Roof. Maybe they mean over the course of three weeks, he stole thousands of dollars. Man in Rafters is the sequel to Man on Wire. Man in Rafters. But he gets laid because of it. All right, there you go. That is the story. Did you say Frito-Lay?

It's a Frito-Lay. We walk off on that one. We walk off on that one. How can people follow you on the old Instagram and Twitter? Instagram, H-R-Moros, M-O-R-O-Z. So H-R like home run, Moros like my last name. Awesome. And then HarryMoros.com.

And then, I don't know, I'm trying to record an album this year. So if I'm in your town, come out. Let me know if it's good. Let me know if it's not good. Guys, that is one of the best things you can do. And if you're at a club and you're like, oh, I want Harry to come to that, go on Twitter, go on Instagram and at those clubs and say, hey, you know, you should come here. That matters when people do that.

And if you do come out to a show, tell them you heard them on Dumb People Talk. That always feels great. I guarantee I'm the only hairy under 50 that you know. There you go. Comic, not a private investigator. Also, the only one not involved in magic. That's the other one. This is our new Chicago guys.

They're just, I love it. All right, guys. Oh, shit, we need to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, Oh shit, we need to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town.

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