Dumb People Town - DPT Mini - Hunter Duncan - Kringle In The Hallway

Episode Date: August 7, 2020

For this Friday episode, Hunter Duncan comes to town to hear about a man at a hotel arrested for threatening another guest.

Star Pains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Duncan. Hunter Duncan, what's up, my brother? How are you? Oh, I'm good. Thank you so much for having me. I would have been doing nothing else.

Yeah, well, no. Dude, I'm so happy that we get a chance to do this with you. So we've performed with you in Austin, Texas. You have a new stand-ups feature on Comedy Central, which we will talk about, how people can check that out in the middle of the show. We've gotten amazing breakfast tacos with you south of Austin and Valentina's.

We've done a lot of Austin hanging with you. Is that the gas station place? No, it's Valentina's. It's that amazing San Antonio backyard place. That guy's so nice. Remember, they came to the show and they hung with us and they're just good it was amazing it was amazing everybody loves you guys you know they the uh we went to the uh aviator nation and then they were like hey

you got a sweet sweatshirt uh yeah so yeah lots of cool stuff we love coming to austin even when we're not doing a weekend of shows with you at Cap City. We still hang out and that makes us very happy. We've been wanting to have you on the show. The good news is that the pandemic has not stopped people from doing dumb things. You're in Texas, so I'm sure you see a lot of that. That's all I see. Yeah, it's been nice. How do you navigate the stupidity that literally smacks you in the face on a daily basis? I mean, the best outlet for me so far has been I go on walks, and then I'll walk around my neighborhood and just say mean things about the people's houses around me. And that's been my outlet. And so I've been recording that and me just essentially...

That's my favorite part of those House Hunter remodel shows is that first part where they walk through and they're like what the fuck is this burn this shit down yeah i don't know what i complain about the most easy changes where they're like oh yeah that window's cracked and you're like fix it yeah they're like i don't like the color of these cabinets paint pain yeah it's like one time i watched someone recently they bitch about a house for 15 minutes and if you added it all up so far they had needed to buy a new shower curtain and two buckets of paint that's all they were in for so but you acted like somebody was like this. Right. Exactly. This is like a crack house. This is a prison.

Yeah. Well, we've got dumb to serve up to you. We'll talk about your Comedy Central show that people can check out. But first, Dan, hit us up with a story, brother. All right. This was sent in by our buddy Jake Groney at Jake Groney. Groney, Groney, Groney. Groney, Groney, Groney. Mount Pleasant, Wisconsin.

I'm guessing there's nothing pleasant about what happens in this state. You're very true. Have you spent much time in Wisconsin, Hunter? No, no. You got to live, buddy. Is that where it's at? You know what Wisconsin and Texas have unlocked, both of them? Floating rivers.

Floating rivers is very crucial to both of those states' economies. And lakes. And I do think madison and austin are like very similar north south sister cities because you got a great university it's a capital city there's a lot of smart people and great comedy clubs in both of them great phenomenal yeah a lot of smart people a lot of dumb people though i assume in both whenever there's floating involved it's not like uh the intelligentsia is out there like hey you know i got a 12 pack let's put it on my

belly and uh float for four hours my girlfriend i went out to san marcos and i floated the river out there and it was an experience i'll do it again in a heartbeat yeah you you learn about yourself and other people when you float the river on a saturday afternoon outside of austin when you see a guy drink 12 beers and not get out of his tube, you're like, you're just pissing all over this river. That's right. Asshole. That's right.

Oh, 100%. Yeah. My girlfriend actually is a, she does water purification and learned it in San Marcos. And she used to test that river. And she said after July 4th, the concentration of urine in that river, the San Marcos River, went up like 7%. Come on, God. I mean, yeah. That's a lot of urine.

That's a lot of urine for a river. It's not standing water. 7% in flowing water. That's a capital P. Yeah, exactly. Well, this is a little bit of sconce because a Racine man allegedly threatened a hotel guest with a knife over a Kringle at America's Best Value Inn and Suites. All right, we'll say this.

Now, a Kringle is the state dessert. It's like a strudel. It is. It's a big strudel. It's like a long strudel. But our concept of hearing the phrase, Grandma made a Kringle, it sounds like Grandma made a Kringle sounds like she took a shit in the living room. Grandma made a Kringle. It sounds like grandma made a Kringle sounds like she took a shit in the

living room. And the, all the dogs eating it. Get it out of there. It's on the coffee table. Why did she put it there? Grandma made a Kringle. Grandma made a Kringle.

So, but people get very proprietary. It's like Migos. You know what I mean? It's like your, your, your tacos or your breakfast tacos what they or barbecue kringle is serious shit so he was he was threatening him because he

what did they run out of kringles or oh they were trying to trying to lift his kringle that we haven't gotten into it yet i just also love this is happening at america's best value in because it's not saying it's the best they're not saying they're not even telling you they're the best place. No, they're just the best value for what you're getting for. You get what you pay for. Right. You're going to get knifed for a Kringle. It's like the whole Coors Light campaign that all they

highlight is that how cold it is. No, nothing else. And same thing with Little Caesars. Hot and ready. Coldest beer in town. Is it good? It's cold. It's cold. Is your pizza enjoyable? It's hot. Hey, here's something I can say. Is it worth me buying? It's ready

right now. What more do you want? It's hot and ready. By the way, hot and ready is how a lot of people got laid in high school. For sure. Okay. Trevor Rogers of the 5100 block of Emston Hills Road was charged with disorderly conduct and use of a dangerous weapon. According

to a criminal complaint on Sunday, an officer responded to America's best value in and sweets and you know that's not really like that's always the end of your shift. Have ever had seattle's best coffee you've ever had that coffee you have hunter right yeah it's not seattle's best it's not even the best coffee probably on the block that you get it right in the airport it's not the best and and yet so anytime anyone claims that something is the best it is not probably not also i think at walmart there's a brand called america's best there's presidential choice i think but there's also america's best and my thing with that was always like isn't that only reflective as to how well we're doing yes yeah like right now as much as i hate to say it this is america's best and we're horrible at

what's happening in our country right now but it's our best dan when i when my son is playing in a game basketball game whatever when i am don't have the compliment to give him for the game hey you did the best you could do but that's also that is there's something horrible about that but i would say ask your kid did you do the best you could do and if hunter say yes then you're like good hunter you see a friend perform and do their set and it's not good they come off stage looking at you what do you say you uh you say you guys are two of the most famous people from creep core yeah i i usually say you know like just uh keep trying you'll get there and uh you know that's uh hey man hey a couple people left before you got up and that was when the audience wasn't good they were good

for everybody else yeah it was just a weird people weird time of the night did they drop the checks no no it's just a weird time in the night nobody nobody likes comedy at 917. Right. Yeah. Okay. So there, this cop gets called. Officer responds to America's best value in regarding a civil complaint. Dispatch advised. This is what the dispatch told the cop. Advise that a guest at the hotel was threatening another guest with a knife. So you're ready to go in because you don't know what it's going to be. And by the way, knife fight is so old school.

Like knife fight is Crocodile Dundee. It's like we're in the Australian back. Right. Who's got a knife? What do you, I mean, you know, this whole right to bear arms thing. I mean, right. You're rolling. You know, going nunchucks. I'll appreciate

it. I'll appreciate a knife because a knife can only inflict damage on really one person. Right. And you know what? They also always, almost always catch knife because a knife can only inflict damage on really one person. Right. And you know what? They also almost always catch a knife dispute. Yeah. It's too personal. You were mad at that.

It's easy to find out who hit you with a knife. You never get caught in friendly fire when it comes to a knife. Right. You're always knifing the right person. There's no such thing as an itchy knife trigger. Even in Young Guns, Lou Diamond Phillips knew where his knives were going yeah you know it wasn't even in stand and deliver lou diamond phillips knew where his knives are going uh upon arrival do you think if you're a cop showing up in america's best value and you think two people are fighting with a knife and you're ready to go

and you get there and these motherfuckers are fighting over a kringle you're like guys this is it this is what you're doing get in the back of the car and i'll buy to go and you get there and these motherfuckers are fighting over a Kringle. You're like, guys, this is it. This is what you're doing. Get in the back of the car and I'll buy you each a Kringle and shut the hell up. Upon arrival, the officer spoke to the victim who said that the Kringle in the hallway was for Halo staff

members only. I don't know what Halo is. By the way, the Kringle in the hallway sounds like a lifetime movie about like a Lifetime movie about like a woman who died. It's Christmas, though. Kringle in the hallway is about a guy who had a girlfriend who left him to be a big-time Nashville star.

Now she's back at home to take care of her grandmother who's passing away, and they run into each other again in the hallway over a Kringle. And that's what brings them back. That is a Hallmark classic. It is. Hallmark classic is that. He's raising his sister's son and she passed away.

This is my Kringle in the hallway Hallmark story, okay? A guy's wife goes on a business trip and she never comes back. Right. And they think she's dead, but every Christmas he leaves a Kringle in the hallway. There you go. He's going to come back. Okay. And it hasn't happened for 17 years.

And his daughter who knows better, but just wants to let dad do what dad does says, Hey, maybe this year don't leave one out. And then at the last minute she puts one out and then it's half eaten when they come down the next morning. And it turns out that the problem is she didn't put it on a plate. She just put it straight on the carpet. Okay, woman returns because her brother has been missing. No one knows where he is.

Turns out he'll end up being fine. She's estranged from her parents. So even though it's over the holidays, she has to stay at America's best value. On her way to the lobby, There's a kindly portly man very jolly with a white beard selling cringles. She refuses one. He leaves it for her. She

goes out in the middle of night, sees the cringle, takes it by instantly transport. She's back in time. Her parents and her get along and she gets to write the wrongs that made her brother go missing. It's a cringle in the hallway. It's a wonderful crinkle. Crinkle in the hallway was the English beats follow up to mirror in the bathroom. That's right. Am I correct in the hallway it's a wonderful crinkle crinkle in the hallway was the english beats follow-up to mirror in the bathroom that's right am i correct in the hallway okay upon arrival the

officer spoke to the victim he said that the crinkle in the hallway was for halo staff and members i don't know if that's some sort of video game club that meets at does anyone know what halo stands for dan it's probably like angel level like uh i don't know hunter looks like he knows what it is yeah i mean well i mean i i forget the actual acronym but it's uh it's for when they jump like special forces or army people yes yeah low what is it it's oxygen or i don't know high altitude low oxygen sounds right it's where they have the yeah they have to wear the mission impossible yeah you know not with a mask gun you mean no in mission impossible the most recent one they had to design a special mask so that you could see it was actually tom cruise's face they

designed this because he did it himself where they did he did a high a high altitude jump a halo jump yes someone's screaming at me because they know what the alanos yeah it is high altitude low oxygen but i think i feel like their halo is different because it's staff and members of halo right rogers yeah i think it's halo is a video game too yeah yeah i said i don't know if it's a video game club a kringle in the hallway definitely sounds more video game related than uh guys yeah the way in the closet. Take a shit in your drawers. Yeah, baby in the hot

tub. All right, we got it. So Trevor Rogers. Okay, so upon our Trevor Rogers stopped the victim and asked if the hotel had any coffee or cereal.

This is just two people who do not work. Hey, man. Yeah, yeah, coffee or cereal in this hotel. I don't know. Are you all that criminal? Are you part of the people who do not work. Hey, man. Yeah. Yeah. Coffee or cereal in this hotel. I don't know. Are you all that?

Are you part of the group? Yeah. Your lanyard. He said, but he had to ask. He was holding the Kringle and he had to ask if they had coffee or cereal. Right. Like he had.

Why couldn't he just walk I think he thought that if I ask a question it seems like I'm with the group right the victim advised Rogers that the hotel did not have coffee or cereal and that the Kringle was for halo members and staff only that is

when Rogers became irate calling the victim expletives okay which doesn't really make senseate, calling the victim expletives. Oh, God. Which doesn't really make sense. You're just calling the expletives. Yeah, exactly. The victim reported that Rogers then reached into his pocket and pulled out a knife and said, I will cut you, to which I will say,

enjoy this Kringle. That's right. Have your Kringle. Have your Kringle and eat it, too. Do we know what time it was that this happened? Oh, this had to be daytime. It was a daytime Kringle snack. But too. Do we know what time it was that this happened? Oh, this had to be daytime. It was a daytime Kringle snack. But he did say breakfast, didn't he? He said cereal.

He just wants coffee or cereal. So I think it's a.m. I think it's a.m. Yeah. I mean, if it's 645 in the morning, you know, I'm getting up for the day. All I need is some Frosted Flakes that I, you know, know i invested 39 in this fucking hotel room all right i need i want the breakfast that comes with it and then somebody's trying to snatch my kringle i feel you man trevor rogers he tells the kringle owner that i will cut you police later located a small

this is almost like if we were in a writer's room right now you'd be like it's two on the nose two on the nose police later located a small black Harley Davidson folding knife in a backpack in Trevor Rogers' room. Yep. Which means he also was like, you can come in and look.

Yeah, go for it. Look around. Never mind the knife right over there. Right. That's not a knife. That's Harley Davidson Collective memorabilia.

Yep. Dan, should we take a break? Yeah, let's take a quick little break. When we come back, we'll wrap this story up. Stick around. make a sound. There's more at Uncle People Town.

Hey, guys, welcome back to the show. We got Hunter Duncan with us, who almost did, I mean, you were on the road to doing what I consider to be one of the funniest things in the world, which was run for Congress against a guy named duncan hunter yeah who in los angeles who was perhaps the dumbest and worst part can you describe him and why you decided to almost do it yeah so uh essentially he'd been in office for like 10 years and he had been indicted for stealing 250 000 from his campaign fund he had been lying and saying he was donating it to the Wounded Warriors

Foundation and Habitat for Humanity. Halo. Yeah, exactly. Halo Kringles. He's also the guy with the rabbit, right? Yes. The guy with the rabbit? Okay. Yes, he wrote off, he

expensed a $600 flight to fly his pet bunny across the country. And yeah, he was cheating and he was cheating on his wife nonstop with her, with her best friends. And yeah, that's kind of what came back to bite him is that she was like,

I'm standing by him. Cause they were both doing, they were both, he was, she was the finance director and they were in on it together. And then the FBIbi was like here uh here are pictures of him going into hotels with all of your you know and then she was like all right well never mind i'm gonna rat on him so exactly yeah and but he was indicted and he kept getting re-elected he got real he was indicted and kept

getting re-elect. And his dad before him held that same seat and his name was Duncan Hunter. So it had been 30 years. Duncan Hunter, just terrible. Yeah. And so I decided that, you know, what if I run for Congress in his seat and I run as a Republican too, obviously i'm not but i would go out there and see if enough people were if they're dumb enough to vote for him in the first place be dumb enough yeah yeah get confused easily confused to get confused that would be the it would oh god because as it would read it would be your last name first and then your first name so as it would read a lot of people just duncan they just see

that and they'd probably vote for it duncan hunter yeah exactly and so the problem was i it started getting close to where so i filed everything to run it was all happening and uh and i actually um i think still owe them some money or something but i was getting like people were donating and it was getting a lot of traction. And then at the last second, he dropped out because he copped a charge or he, you know, took a plea deal.

Yeah. And so then the political advisor, people that were helping me were like, you know, it's been 30 years of guys named Hunter Duncan. It's now very possible that you could win the seat. And I was like, I don't want that.

You're like, I don't want to be, I want to release a comedy central. I wanted to do a video about this and then release it. Well, you, so even better that you dropped out. So you were able to do this comedy central spot,

tell people how they can find it and what it's called and where it is and all that jazz. Yeah. Uh, if you can go to comedy central.com and go to YouTube, essentially, if you just Google my name, Hunter Duncan comedy, um, it should pop up. Uh, if you can go to ComedyCentral.com go to YouTube essentially if you just Google my name Hunter Duncan Comedy

it should pop up if you can watch it like it share it anything like that it would help me. It is so funny my kids and I like I showed the bit I showed the Jesus bit to my to my wife and our kids and my two daughters we love it so much

like living in a house full of women it is such the the loose premise and we'll of women, it is such the loose premise, and we'll let you guys watch it, but the loose premise is that, how do we know that Jesus was a man? It's such a great, that like, Jesus could have been a woman. Yeah.

Well, thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah, justice. Justice. So funny, dude. One of you bitches. I love it. So funny.

It is so great. And I was just so happy to see that bit on there. And I was like, God, this is so really funny. One of those bits that like, it doesn't matter if it's in a 10 minute, a half hour or an hour long special. If you have a great bit that is memorable, people will say it.

So now like my, we say it to each other. Like my kids and I say it all the time. We'd say great punchlines from this bit and i'm not gonna spoil it you gotta go watch it uh hunter duncan just look it up and uh you know watch it because what we believe and what we know to be true and this is how you guys can help great comics that we love uh if you watch it and like it and all that stuff and it gets a lot of views then then he'll get to do a half hour special, which will be, which is the next step.

And again, just even getting a, the spot that you got on there is awesome. Yeah. Thank you. So you guys were huge helping me. I mean, early on,

I don't, I don't know if that's talked about enough on your podcast, how, how good you guys are to comics like myself that nobody knows. So you guys are great. Thank you. Of course, man.

Well, look, we it's, it's, it's what we do. And we got on the road. are to comics like myself that nobody knows so you guys are great thank you of course man well look we it's it's it's what we do and we got on the road it's like nice to go out and be friends with people and actually enjoy yourself and go to see people that you really enjoy hanging out with that's part of it too so all right let's uh take the story home dan okay so they found a harley davidson knife on his back yeah after he wanted all he wanted was coffee or cereal i don't know why he started going after the cereal i don't know why he started going after the kringle right exactly well he found out they didn't know the kringle was first and the coffee or cereal was to make it seem like he was part of the group could be

the officer spoke to a witness who said after the altercation uh trevor rogers came to the front desk and continued to act irate and yelled about the victim i didn't start with him he started with me that's right Very ramble. First of all, that's here. That's like when he comes up to the desk and the person is doing something else. He's like, first of all, you're like, what? Start this conversation. Exactly. Trevor Rogers. This is just one

sentence. Trevor Rogers is no longer allowed back at America's best in and sweets. I should hope not. Talk about the how low of a bar you had to not clear to make that happen. As of Monday morning, Trevor Rogers remained in custody at the Racine County Jail on a $200 signature bond

online court records show a status conference is set for August 17th at the Racine County Law Enforcement Center. I will ask you my friends. How old is Trevor Rogers? How old do you think a guy with a backpack a hotel room and a harley davidson pocket knife who's mad about coffee cereal and wants your kringle is um i'm i'm gonna say uh he is 41 years old okay why do you say 41 you just you know what

i'm thinking harley and then i'm thinking somebody who's got the harley knife and i bet you he doesn't actually own a harley that's right like a nice porsche jacket yeah exactly any any solo audi mode yeah yeah for sure you know oh man it's all right jay what do you think'm going to say 41 is a good age for this dude. I'm going to say 53. 53 years old. I think it's more. I think he's 61.

61 years old. 61 is this guy. Okay. Trevor Rogers, who I will tell you looks a little like Tiger Woods. I love it. So before you get to the thing we should mention, do we mention the... I don't think so. We're doing a live

Dumb People Town on August 15th, which is Saturday. If you're hearing this and you like this show, don't miss out on tickets for it. Because right now, this is dropped,

this show's I think on August 7th. Yeah, so it'll be next Saturday, a week from this Saturday, a week from tomorrow. We may be close to out of tickets.

So if you haven't gotten your tickets yet, you gotta get them. Go to nowherecomedyclub.com, check it out We may be close to out of tickets. So if you haven't gotten your tickets yet, you've got to get them. Go to NowhereComedyClub.com. Check it out. Or you go to Eventbrite.com slash probably Dumb People Town. And you'll see the live Dumb People Town. We will already have our guest settled.

But we're really excited to do this. And we hope we can get as many people as we can to do this show live and do it in that Nowhere Comedy Club setting, which is amazing. Dan did it a few weeks back. We did it a couple months ago. We love it. All right.

Okay, ready? Yes. Trevor Rogers. Knife, backpack, Kringle. 41, 53, 61. Is 47 years old. Wow. You guys split it.

You guys split it. Right up the middle, dude. I'll share the word with you. Doesn't he kind of look like Tiger? No. Oh, split it. You guys split it. Right up the middle, dude. I'll share the word with you. Doesn't he kind of look like Tiger? Oh, my God. He's our age. He's very handsome. For Christ's sake.

All right. All right. Hunter Duncan comedy. Look up this 10-minute special. It's so, so funny. Again, for the Jesus bit alone, it is worth it. It is one of those classic comedy bits. You will love it.

Thank you so much for coming on and doing the show. love you buddy oh thank you so much love you guys i really appreciate it all right no shit we gotta get back to work stick around make a sound Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your downies. Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio.

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