Dumb People Town - DPT Mini - Jay Light - Your Son Is A Liar

Episode Date: September 18, 2020

This week Daniel, Jay and Randy welcome Jay Light to town to hear a classic Lego in the nose story with a SWEET ending.

Star Pains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People's Town. Population Light. Let's turn the light on. Jay Light is here. Hi, Jay. Hi. Hello. Dude, Jay Light is one of our favorite comics. For those who don't know, he's been on this show before. He is just one of the best joke writers we know. It's one of the

reasons why I love the comedy store and I miss the comedy store so much in this time. So much. Because it was an opportunity for people like us who do the road and headline clubs and whatnot and all over to also interface with a whole new generation of up-and-coming comedians doing the roast battle. We first saw you on the roast battle.

You were amazing. We saw you do three minutes of stand-up in the show before the roast battle, and we're like, this kid's really good. And then over time, we just became friends and started to help help each other with each other, stand up and writing and roasting and all that stuff. And you've been so good to us throughout the years. We appreciate you. Oh, I appreciate y'all so much. You know, it's, it's been a real pleasure to get to, to know you guys and work with y'all. And now we're here. Look at this. I know we're here. You've done the show in studio and you understand our philosophy that the world is getting dumber. The pandemic hasn't stopped that as a roast battle comedian.

That's what you, you immediately just turn on the, I got to roast the world, right? Exactly. That's all. That's the only way to cope. I mean,

that's what, that's what God's doing with the, uh, with all the fires in the West coast. She's got, we're seeing the world through roast colored glasses. Thank you. Hey,

well, the world through roast colored glasses. Thank you. Hey-o. Well, the world is getting dumber, and I know you believe that too, because we've talked about it at length. Daniel Van Kirk is here. Hi, Dan. I am. What's up, buddy? It is time to just jump into a story. We'll get into a story, and midway through, when we take a break, we'll come back and

talk about Jay Light's new comedy album, which you're going to want to check out. But let's jump into this right now. Okay. You ready? Yep. Yes. A Boy in New Zealand. album which you're gonna want to check out but let's jump into this right now okay you ready yep yes a boy in new zealand oh this was sent in by carlene mcdermott by the way at she be car lean to ease she be carlene it's the toys are us she be carlene it's like your excuse for somebody's

behavior well she be carlene carlene right carleen sounds like a Nickelodeon show, doesn't it? Yes. She be Carleen tonight at nine, right? After that So Raven. Yeah. A boy in New Zealand finally had a missing piece of Lego fall out of his nose after he pushed it up his nostril. Oh, boy. I mean, if you don't watch your kids these days, and I know, J Light, you don't have

kids that you know about, but if you watch watch your kid if you're not watching your kids dan dan sent out a video i highly recommend if you're not following dan on twitter you must or on instagram or on instagram dan put a video on twitter that we immediately sent to our mom that was making us laugh so hard have you seen this jay the kid trying to make cupcakes or cake oh yeah and eating all the raw ingredients right out of the bowl. He put a whole stick of butter. Raw eggs. He has an animalistic drive. It's a compulsion.

To not be able to stop eating the thing. And the second the authority figure, the mom or the grandma. Grandma. That's a grandma. Turns away for one hot second. He's got everything in a handful of egg like raw egg and that is what kids are with legos he's just like shoving it in i know it's just double fisting it raw ingredients you never want to hear the term double fisting when referring to

a kid but whatever yes unless they're punching unless they're punching unless they're punching yeah uh okay wait i was gonna ask you guys did you guys have any like up the nose in the ear i swallowed it no stories with your kids your dog kids but my dog one time when we had an english bulldog our old one virgil like he we fed it he just started throwing up like every time we would feed him he would it would go in and then it would he would throw it up. We're like, Jesus, what's wrong? So we took him in and he had the doctors put down

a tube that also had something that could retrieve stuff that might be blocking because they're like, something's blocking it. They pulled out this was about an inch, maybe three inch high action figure with a pedestal base of a rooster.

And I'm like, we don't even, where did he get that? Then it was like, has he just been hanging out with other kids and other houses and eating? And then I was like, who wants a three-inch high rooster as a toy to play with? That's the dumbest idea. Right, so now you're just shaming the kid, the person whoinch high rooster as a toy to play with. That's the dumbest idea. Right, so now you're just shaming the kid, the person who owns the rooster.

And there was also like a belt. He ate a belt. I could tell you a story. Yeah. So Vance, it was Thanksgiving, probably like 1992, maybe 93. Vance was born with his esophagus didn't connect to his stomach. So when he was like, this is my younger brother. So like hours after being born,

they had to do like life-saving surgery on him, obviously. And so there was a kink where like the fake tube met the esophagus. And so if food wasn't like chopped up enough, he would choke on it and it would get stuck in his esophageal whatever. Yeah. No, he would just cough it up. Right. And so this was like nothing new.

You get used to it after a while. You make sure his food is really chopped up. Another thing, being a little kid, you're like, that's too big of a bite, Vance. So one Thanksgiving, Vance starts coughing up, but he hasn't eaten anything. Everybody's like, okay, Vance is choking. And I know it's kind of like Randy Quaid in Christmas store.

Oh, he's just hacking up a bone. He's all right. Yeah. So he's choking, and he coughs up, and out comes a wheel, like a little motorcycle wheel. And my uncle Ken's dad,

Clarence, never forget, he goes, we sit here long enough we're gonna get that whole goddamn bike that's killed he killed he had the timing like he waited for he was a badass crush um hilarious yeah i never forget that like i never did you ever do that and like eat food eat toys or shit i never ate toys i do feel like i mean i could see eating a hot wheels car or pine derby car because those do look like candy they look very appetizing yeah yeah i did definitely get too far out of my like trying to be an adult when i was way too young i tried to help my parents fill up the car once at a gas station i was like five or six years old maybe and uh i pulled the gas pump out too quick uh-huh and i sprayed myself with gas and then i had to strip down at the gas station

oh my god that is terrifying that's awful fitzsimmons old joke fitzsimmons old joke was that he said he worked at a gas station with an ex-porn star, and the ex-porn star would always start filling up the tank. And right as he got to the end, he'd take it out and just spray it all over the hood of the car. It was just a force of habit. It's a great joke. But yeah, man, that's Jesus. Yeah, you got to watch your kids. That's the thing.

That's what we're saying. Watch your kids. So he has it finally fall out of his nose after he pushed it up there. Seven-year-old Samir Anwar of Dundon, New Zingler. Dunedin, and I've been there, and I'll tell you why. Never seen the word. I'll tell you why it's Dunedin. I like Dundon more.

Dunedin is pretty good. Dunedin sounds cool. Dunedin sounds like he's going to help the Mandalorian. Dunedin's a character on Sheeby Carlin. Yeah. What Dunedin be doing? Dunedin. So Dunedin is a town not far from Queenstown.

Okay. Queensland? Queensland. No, Queensland is Australia. Queens. Queens. Or Queens. Christchurch?

No, it's in the south part. Sheeby Carlin? Our flight couldn't take off and we had to, our flight couldn't take off and we had to our flight couldn't take off from queenstown because the the uh weather was so bad and they were like hundreds of people in the airport and they're like oh this happens all the time so it was just a disaster we rented a we we got into a car and drove two hours to this other town okay uh to dunedin and we took a flight out of dunedin and this is my wife and i this is in, this was a baby moon. So it was like 2009. And I remember we went to the airport in Dunedin, this little town. And you

could go through into the airport. And even if you didn't have a ticket, it was a small airport, kind of like Burbank Airport. And family members could go all the way to the gate. Old school. And so people were coming off the plane and getting hug, like family members could go all the way to the gate. Old school. And so people were coming off the plane and getting like hugged by family members and stuff like that. And I'm like, oh yeah, remember when the airport was nice? Yeah. Remember when it was like a place that you like went and saw happiness all around you? Yeah.

Now it's just misery. And I'm like, that's really fascinating. And we ended up getting to fly out of there up to Auckland and then home. You got your own happiness. We got our own happiness. So, Danita. And when did the Lego fall out of your up to Auckland and then home. You got your own happiness. You got your own happiness. So, Danita. And when did the Lego fall out of your nose? Right as we were about to leave.

Okay, good. He was taken to a local general practitioner by his parents after he inserted the tiny toy part into his nose. Doctors were unable to find it. What? The Lego piece unexpectedly fell out of Samir's nostril after the child sniffed a plate of cupcakes over the weekend. Wait a minute. How can they not find it? Do they not have the right medical equipment there?

If you know it's there and the doctor's like, we got no clue. I'm like, we got to go to a different doctor. Let's get a second opinion. Well, how do you know? Did you do an x-ray? No, we just kind of batted his head around a little bit. We just shook around a little bit yeah i mean about six dollars and forty cents and change fell out right right i mean at the very least put another lego up there and see if it connects then pull right um and so now fast forward he's smelling cupcakes over the

weekend and it falls out. Why is that? Are they weed cupcakes? Dan, Dan, you're talking about sniffing cupcakes like that's a normal thing to do. You never did a big cupcake whiff? Maybe. He just sniffed cupcakes. He was sniffing cupcakes. You know how you sniff cupcakes. Hey, I'm more of a mini pie guy, but it's fine.

Dan, how many pies do you get sent to you from? I got a lot for my birthday. Yeah, of course you did. I got sent- Mini pies? Yeah, I got sent 16 mini pies. You still got some? do you get sent to you from i got a lot for my birthday yeah of course you did i got set mini pies yeah i got set 16 mini pies you still got didn't i give you one no to try i thought maybe oh you didn't i got one i never got one one was it was pecan apple cherry and then one called texas two-step which was a brownie pie or a pecan pie with a brownie on top oh where is that one

dude i want to try that one. That was so good. You're from Texas. Are you not from Texas? I am from Texas, and that does sound like a fine dessert. I didn't know you were from Texas. Where? I grew up outside of Dallas.

Okay. Where everyone played football. I'm teeing you up for your bit. Oh, man. Everybody played football. I was on the C team, baby. C team? See, even all the uncoordinated kids can play.

Get out there. C standing for CTE. Wait, so you were on the team because you were explaining this to us, and then we helped you or we sort of bounced ideas off you to write this bit with you about the fact that everyone was forced to play football, right? Yeah, everybody. the fact that everyone was forced to play football right yeah everybody you if you're a kid going through public school you have to play football at least one year that's insanity it's like tom green talking about hockey we were heard him talk about hockey that he had to play no that he was like well yeah i mean he's like you had to play but he also quickly found out that you could do

whatever you wanted if you were playing hockey. Like you could stay out as late as you wanted. So he played hockey just because he wouldn't have... The kids who didn't play hockey had to come inside. It's nighttime. Right. But if you played hockey and you wanted to stay outside, as long as you were playing hockey, they let you stay out and do whatever you wanted to do. Like find a dead moose on the side of the road.

Or kill a moose. All right. Doctors are unable to find it. And he smells cupcakes the young boy was brought to the doctors by his concerned parents who found out that their son had lost a piece of lego part a lego character's arm up his nose the arm up the nut the old arm up the nose trick one day he told us he had slipped a tiny piece of lego and then we tried our breast our best to bring it out but nothing nothing came out. What would you try?

Vacuum cleaner. We're going straight to the doctor. Yeah, vacuum probably. This sounded wholesome at first with the Legos and the cupcakes, but if he's dismembering Lego minifigs, then this is an early darn turn. I've seen Mindhunter. That's an early sign. You get what you deserve.

Samir's father. I saw Mindhunter too, and I didn't think it was that great. With the TV show on Netflix? It was good. It's a slower burn. It was good. Okay. Did you like Manhunter?

No. The Michael Mann, William Peterson movie from the 80s? Oh, that's such a great movie. I thought Mindhunter was just what we talked to all the football kids after when they were trying to figure out their brain injuries. After having a thorough examination, the local general practitioner failed to find the minuscule piece of black plastic inside the young patient's nose. The doctor

advised that the parents to the parents that the piece may never have been up his nostril. I love that when the doctor is like, I think you got a little liar on your hands. It gives an idiot. I want some Lego attention. I'm sorry. And at that point, you'd be like. I'm sorry. And at that point,

you'd be like, I'm sorry, is that your official diagnosis that my son is a liar? That's a case of a liar-itis. You're a liabetic, honey. That's a line from our old from Back on Tops. No,

do you know that when doctors are predicting the gender of your child, they tell you one thing and then they write in their chart the opposite thing so that if they're wrong, when they come back, say, I don't think I told you that. They're like, no, no, we'd remember what you told us. You told us what I wrote down. Well, let's see what I wrote in my chart. Or they have it right when you know for sure. Then you're like,

why didn't I write down that? Yeah, that's weird. It doesn't matter anyway because you know what you want. Yeah, you got what you wanted. Yeah. Crazy. So then he says,

your little kid's a liar. And even if he did do it, it may have moved through his digestive system naturally. So he's saying it went up the nose and back down the throat,

but skipped the air passage and went into the digestive part of the throat. And then Vance coughed it up. Yeah. I don't know if I can ever trust a doctor in New Zealand ever again. Yeah. Well, the parents. It's like getting a medical degree in the Caribbean.

The parents soon forgot about the missing Lego piece, and Samir showed no signs of pain or distress. Yeah. Since then. It's an animal. He's never complained or anything. Mr. Anwar said he told the Guardian that his son was quite playful and a mischievous character. Yeah, because he's a liar. Yeah, and he sticks stuff up his nose and something

is like pinching his brain and making him a crazy kid. Then on Sunday night, we'll take a quick break. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we're going to hear about Jay Light's new album. This is Dumb People Town.

Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We always like to share with you guys

and give you a tip on something you can listen to. New comedy. New comedy albums. This on something you can listen to new comedy, new comedy albums. This let us be your gateway into new comedy albums. Of course, Jay light is our guest. He is one of the best joke writers we know,

and, and just a great standup too. So the new album, tell people about it and how they can find it, buddy. The new album is called good guy with a gun. It is out everywhere. You listen to music,

you know, streaming, you can buy it. It's got stand-up, it's got sketches, it's got a roast battle on there. Nice. It's a real culmination of all the comedic things that I do. I love that you put a roast battle on there. Which battle was it?

It was me versus Nicole Buchanan. Oh, my God. Nice. So I picked a titan. I got to go with one of the best and uh i worked with coach t on it too the roast battle dj so he produced the whole album it's got a nice nice uh roast battle family flow to it good i love it nominal if you do like the roast battle and if you don't know the roast battle then this would be a great introduction so you to feel we've

talked about it many times in this podcast start with this comedy album and you'll hear what an actual like power battle like one for the ages you'll hear it on this uh was the audience just nuts yeah they were they were very hyped up we picked it we picked a great night for it real hot crowd everything just came together really nice that's amazing and where did you record the album? It's the stand up Was at the Pack Theater Yeah Here in LA

Great And then the roast battle Was at the Comedy Store Comedy Store up in the Belly Room Nice Phenomenal And sketches in studio Or you just did those

Around In studio yeah That's awesome That's great Did you have any other friends Do them with you? Yeah I had Gene Whitney Who's another great comic and who's done Roast Battle.

And then my buddy Sean Patrick O'Connor did some voices on there also. And Quincy Weekly from the Comedy Store, too. Right on. That's awesome. I love it, dude. So good guy with a gun. Jay Light. Jay Light.

Grab it anywhere you get. This is a great way to support young comedians that's right that's right and rate it rate it review it all that good and i'll tell everybody after you go and listen to his album and you love it because i know that you will comedy clubs r.i.p cap city comedy we love you so much i was the last headliner at that club i'm sure it'll come back in some form it'll come back but jesus christ i will say this a lot of comedy clubs are putting out asking fans who do you want to see when we get to reopen and when you love jay light's album that should be the type of thing you're doing telling the clubs in your local community i want you to

bring jay light here right uh and obviously do that with us if you want to but it really matters if you are if you are running an independent comedy club in this country and six people in one day told you hey hey, I want to see So and So. You're not going to forget that. That matters. You guys have that power. So check out his album, buy it, send some funds his way, and then send some support by telling people to start booking him at the clubs. Also, and I

think this is dropping next Friday. It is. I think it's the 19th. Right. So then you have eight days. Eight days to get your tickets for the Live Dumb People Town with Mike Birbiglia. Yeah, and Mike Birbiglia and Mike Doty. right so then you have eight days eight days to get your tickets for the live dumb people town with mike berbiglia yeah and mike berbiglia and um mike dodie the lead singer of soul coffee and that's going to be live nowhere comedy club saturday night 6 30 west coast time 9 30 eastern time this is an event this yeah it's an event we did gaffigan last time and then gaffigan

was amazing on twitter he He lit people up. God knows what Burbigley is going to do after he gets a little Dumb People Town in him. We've wanted him on for so long. He's an East Coast guy. Get your tickets at ventprite.com. Look up live Dumb People Town and pick those up. It's going to be gone. They're flying off the shelf.

So get them if there's any left. And listen to our podcast as well. Daniel's got three podcasts. He's got Dumb People Town. He's got Pen Pals with Rory Scoville. And then he has The Good Night Show, which are amazing. So check that out.

We have Scalabro Country, The Virus Edition, which is daily. And then- Don't sleep on that, guys. You guys just bit on Gay God. Gay God? Go to your social media

and just watch that part and then check out the whole episode. Gay God. All right. So when we left, there was a kid in New Zealand, seven years old, who had a piece of a Lego that he ripped off the arm of a Lego character. It got stuck up his nose and the doctor said, maybe it's not there or maybe he pooped it

out. And the parents are like, he's fine. Until. Everyone screwed up. Sunday night. Sunday night, the young boy who was excited by a plate of pink cupcakes he was having. I imagine the whole, if he's having a whole plate of pink cupcakes, I can tell you where the problem started with this kid.

Yeah. He took a big sniff of the sugary treats and felt a sudden pain in his nose, thinking he'd sniffed up some cake crumbs. Yeah, because the guy's used to putting stuff up there. Right. Samir's mother helped her son blow his nose to clear his nostrils.

Oh my God. To their surprise, the missing piece of black Lego covered in fungus hopped out of the child's nose instead. I know. I know. I'm going to share this with you right now. Jay, you're going to be

able to see what this little kid looks like. You can also see the arm, but it doesn't really look like anything. But he looks completely like a mischievous little kid who's like, where did that Lego arm go? Oh, that kid. Oh, my God. He's adorable.

He is adorable. He's adorable, but he does look like a trouble. Did they take that picture mid-sneeze? Yeah. This is... He's at that age where that's what he thinks a smile is. His hair looks like Lego hair. His hair looks like it's got fungus coming out.

That's right. And then that's the black arm, although it doesn't look like an arm to me. It looks like a little hammer or a hairdryer. Yeah. But anyway, it's covered in like a penis and balls. Okay.

I'm sorry. I'm talking to the penis and balls. Here's the thing that this is you three. This is the height of, as a parent, you have to have a serious talk with this kid, or you got to watch him at all times. Or,

you know, that just something else is going to go up there. That's not the last time something's going up with this kid. Well, I'm going to ask you guys. This is definitely a kid who doesn't learn his lesson. Right. Yeah. Absolutely not. I'm going to ask you.

He's going to start snorting Playmobil characters. Thank you. Thank you. Then crushing up some codeine and then a few other things. Snorting. Scissor. How much time had passed between the doctor visit where the doctor goes,

I think he's a liar. And the pink cupcake sniff. How much time do you think had passed? It's a great question. With this kid having a Lego arm up his nose. Dan, that's a great question. I'm going to say a solid five days. Five days.

Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say nine days. Nine days. I think it was a friday and then it happened over that weekend i'm gonna say a month because they were surprised she just was like blow your nose so they just thought we're in the clear it's gone it either didn't happen or he pooped it out so like we don't care okay i will tell you this samir who remains a fan of the colorful plastic bricks was thrilled to discover the lego piece saying to his parents mom i found the lego you were telling me it wasn't there but it was there he's gonna work

that out in therapy someday let me say no one believes me you guys told me i was wrong do you clean it off and then put it back in the set i don't know no you might as well yeah you put it on the ground to step on in the middle of the night. That's right. You plant it and grow new Lego pieces. Okay, the amount of time that it passed between going to the doctor and smelling the cupcakes and dropping it out was two years.

Oh, I know reaction two years. Oh, two years of no one believing you. That's a Two years. Oh, two years of no one believing you. I mean, that's a two years of you know, it's like that scene from gross point blank two years.

Yeah, you're right. Yeah. Wow. I was just talking about that movie. Ten years. Apparently, this wasn't even the first time Samir had put something up his nose. His father said that the boy had pushed an imitation pearl up his nostril when he was a three-year-old but mr anwar was able to retrieve it later he's got a nasal fetish

the picture that we showed and we'll put on the facebook page is all and all of our other social media a picture shows a return piece of lego wrapped in tissue for all the family is still deciding what they should do with it throw it away or put in the dishwasher can't play with anything other than a basketball put it in that up his nose and we're going down America's Got Talent. Send it to Legoland. That's right. That should go in the- Yeah, you should get a lifetime pass.

Thank you. Lifetime pass to Legoland. You guys are on point. A two-year pass to Legoland. There you go. Because Mr. Anwar joked to his wife that we should donate it to a museum. Yeah. I know.

What museum? Our joke was better. Our joke's better. Sorry, dude. I agree. Shove it up your nose, buddy. Why don't you go back to doing what you do best, Mr. Anwar? Not paying attention to your kid.

Not watching your child. Denying your kid. Lying to your child when he says there's something up his nose. All right, that's the story. That's a mini episode. And here's the moral from this one. If you're not watching your kid and they tell you that they did something, you got to believe them.

You got to believe them. You got to believe them. Yeah. True until proven false. Right. True until the arm comes out of the nose. Yeah. You paid an arm and a nose for that thing. That'll do it.

Jay Light. Jay Light. Good guy with a gun. New album. Please check it out. He's so funny and I love it so much. And oh shit, we got to get back to work.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, I love it so much. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Hungry Down. It's Dumb People Town.