Dumb People Town - DPT Mini - Katie Rich - Distant Bar Socializing

Episode Date: May 29, 2020

Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Katie Rich for a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. In today’s story, a woman in Florida ignores social distancing and then reporting

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population rich. Katie Rich. The best intro of all time. We had to fire it up. You are part of the intro. I'm so happy we saw you on this hilarious Zoom that we did for the Big Ten Network. But first met you in Chicago.

I'm just saying recently. And it was like, oh, my God. Recently. We have to have you come do our podcast because we love you. network but first met you in chicago i'm just saying recently and it was like oh my god recently we have to have you come do our podcast because we love you and we just think katie we have known each other for 10 years i think longer no that's when i started really night staff at second city was too was like early like late winter 2010 yeah so i was still in high school yeah uh yeah so we so we were there what like 2000 13 14 13 14 somewhere in there where we came and did stand up at up and then we uh came down and did monologues and improvising on you did the set yeah and we did the set we did the set at

second city and it was just such a blast. And I remember you guys were so gracious, because you showed up, and it was towards the tail end of the show. But you literally, you sat, and you watched it, and you genuinely watched it. Yeah. Oh, my God. We loved it. You referenced it. I mean, it was, it really, it meant a lot.

It was very cool. We thought it was, like, very cool to just get that invitation to come downstairs. We were like, not everybody get that invitation to come downstairs. We were like, not everybody gets this invitation to come down. I know, but like it meant a lot to us. And we had- Because we were like, we're never going to host Saturday Night Live.

We're just never going to host that. But this is as close as we're going to get to stand on the stage. I'm not ready to give that dream up yet. They don't have a budget for two people. That's right. They did the Olsen twins once and boy did this suck. Well, one of you would have to be the musical guest. That's right. They did the Olsen twins once and boy, did this. One of you would have to be the musical guest.

That's fine. What would happen if like, what I do is if we were, this is what I would do. If we got a chance to host Saturday night live, I would be hosting it. And in the middle of a sketch, have somebody come on like from it,

that say that we had to get replaced by another set of twins because we work long enough. We'd been working for too long and then bring the Olsen twins to finish the sketch. You should pitch it. I mean, that's genuinely very funny. Okay, good. So we believe that the world's getting dumber and I don't know if you're kind of subscribing,

if you subscribe to that, or do you think that it's just dumbers getting louder and we are hearing it more and it's always been this dumb? What do you think? I think more people have a voice. Yeah, the opportunity to showcase how dumb they are. And it's not necessarily the right people.

Yeah. Yes. I would agree. Too many people have that voice. Yes. That's why there's one person in a comedy club who has a microphone, and that's the comedian. Well, now with social media, we're at every table, there's a microphone. And some people that's good, but I would say 40% of it is terrible.

And then another 50% is unlistenable. Well, it gives equal weight to everything in a way, right? Right. Yes. It doesn't necessarily deserve that. It's a great point. We have a banger of a person today. We try to understand dumb behavior

on this podcast we get great stories sent to us from our fans and we're so happy you're here to just uh we've never heard it katie's never heard dan has barely heard it let's jump into our awesome story for today uh this was sent in by linda hartman uh linda hartman linda hartman i know i love i love linda uh. If you're a Linda right now, are you just breathing a big sigh of relief? Because it was either you, Karen, or Donna that were going to get picked as the name of all these Karens.

Or maybe a Deb. You could get a Carol in there. Yeah. But Carol Baskin kind of took Carol over. Yeah. But Deb, Donna, Linda. Jennifer. Yeah.

Karen. There is a Jennifer now. Yeah, there is. There is a Jennifer. So this was sent in by Linda Hartman at LKHTM. And she's been around since the jump. She's awesome. I appreciate her.

Here's the first line from the article. Listen, we'd all like to return to some semblance of normal. This is like, I always say this is writing. This is like when a menu talks to you. Oh, you're going to love these chicken fingers. Now, when you say article, are you using that very generously? It might be a loose. Yeah, this comes out of Florida.

Okay. Fox affiliates. Okay. But it's a Fox affiliate. This is not like a blog. But listen, let's like when the menu Dan is not like a blog. But listen, it's like when the menu, Dan, says like, you're going to want to pinch yourself, brother.

Yeah, first we took biscuits. I don't care. Don't tell us your process. Just say what it is and how much it's going to set me back. Bring me the finished product. And you can only use the word smothered twice on your menu. That's it. You can use smothered and you can use slathered, but not for the same item.

No, not at all. No, because then it borderlines on like Serial Killer Manifesto. If you're smothering and slathering, then it's just paper towel napkins. That's right. Not great. It's going to be a mess. You are going to be,

you're going to need a shower after these biscuits. That's going to be nasty. Yeah. Listen, let's also, somebody writing this who's in Florida who's probably like, if I have to write one more article to these people. Listen. They probably were just like talking and their phone picked it up. They don't type their article.

They talk their article. It's writing by speak and spell. It's like our mom with every text. Love Annette. I know, mom. Yeah. article it's writing by speak and spell it's like our mom with every text love annette i know mom yeah we know it came from thanks annette we saw it's all that's also a voicemail situation too my dad's always like hi katie it's your dad i know i know listen we'd all like to return to some semblance of normal when it comes to socializing at our local bars but baby steps please exclamation point this is somebody down in florida who's like people by the way i love so far i'm i agree with this

except that like we'd all love to get to some sense of normal when it comes to socializing at your local bar. That's the first thing on everyone's priority. How about let's get stores open then? Let's get sports back, and then we can worry about your dumb bar scene. I haven't felt persecuted as far as my ability to drink. No, not at all. This has happened.

Although I have wondered how many of pro in Chicago, because the summer and socializing, what's happening to the Chicago Social Sports Club? Chicago Social built a whole... Are there people who are like, we got to get these volleyball nets back up? No, that's down the line. They're playing

Zoom volleyball. Listen, I'll hit my shot. Have you been to a Chicago 16-inch Zoom meeting? Basically, it's the same. That's a very different meeting. That's not. That's the only time everybody's wearing gloves. It's actually the same

as it was every summer. No game. You still burn your own cooler. We just drink. So pretty much the same. Yeah. Yeah. I would say that a zoom 16 inch softball game is probably more athletic than the actual game. That's the first time I broke a sweat in the past 19 years doing this

game. Just a whole bunch of guys who live, like just moved in from Burwin wearing Ron John surf shop t-shirts. They're so excited. I got my Mr. Zog sex wax shirt on. Like keeping the Zubaz industry up front.

Look, I like when my pants get really tight at the bottom. And they give me room in the thigh in case I gotta stretch out. Okay, listen. We'd all like to get back to normal. Baby steps, please.

A woman in Florida was arrested earlier this week after allegedly trying to kiss the patrons of the Brevard County Bar. So the county has its own. Oh, no. I thought it was of a Brevard County Bar. Then repeatedly calling 911 after trying to kiss people to report that the very same bar was ignoring social distancing guidelines. So this woman is all over the map. So she's trying to kiss people in the bar. Well, they're clearly saying no, and she's hurt by that.

So she called 911. Well, I'll show you, right? Or am I wrong? Yes. I mean, I think if a guy did it, he could probably run for president. But maybe. I just love that she's like, I'm going to be the problem and the solution. I'm going to try and kiss people.

And then I'm going to call the cops on all of you for letting me get too close. Well, do you remember? Go ahead. It sounds to me like she was that level of drunk. I was talking to my husband the other day. And I was saying how it should be illegal to serve someone more than six beers, but it should also be illegal to serve someone less than two. There's a range.

Right. Because I feel like if you've just had two beers, you'll be like, oh, I can drive. Right. But then there's like that window where you're like, no, I'm drunk. And then there's that other window where you're like, no, I'm drunk. And then there's that other window where you're like, let's kiss everybody. That's right.

And it sounds like she cycled through that. She was above the sixth level. She was above. And then she kind of started to sober up and was like, whoa. I got it. I got to start calling the cops. I got to blow the whistle on this whole thing. She was so drunk. She was at that level where she tried to kiss somebody. And then when they said no, she was like, I didn't this whole thing She was so drunk she was at that level where she tried to kiss somebody And then when they said no she was like

I didn't do it She strikes you as someone who's like She tried to blow everybody And then when she couldn't she had to blow the whistle Yes She's like I'm blowing something tonight Alright But the idea of

It's making me think of Morgana the Kissing Bandit. Remember her, that woman with the gigantic. Katie, you have to remember. She was a blonde-haired woman with large breasts who would run out onto professional. I mean, I'm listening. Who would run out. Oh, yes. Professional baseball fields.

I know who you're talking about. Stop games. Right. Kiss Mark Grace full on the mouth. Just like big old kiss. Which he was fine with. He probably saw her the night before on Rush Street. By the way, nobody stopped her.

Security didn't tackle her. Right. No. She just went out and did her thing, and then people cheered, and then they kind of escorted her out. Like, she was like, that's my, I did it. Right. Something tells me this woman didn't have the charm so to speak of morgana yeah there's a there's a charm to morgana in that she was given like a team issued and sanctioned

jersey to wear yeah like that yeah like everyone was in on it they're like that we're gonna then she had sort of a um a follow- because remember the Brewer's Girl? Yeah. There was that Brewer's Girl who always sat in front. Oh, yes. And she would do what? And she would flash or no? No, she just had a low-cut shirt on. Right, and she would just be distracting.

She was just, let's put her out there. Which, if you're a Cubs fan, they always seem to find Harry and Sneever like, beautiful day at the park oh it was the best and he didn't it's not like he was like bob euchre he didn't have that cough button where he could you know like where he would push it harry carrie was just like there's no button right yeah look at her steve i'm a jew uh police in Melbourne, Florida, which feels, isn't that like a hat on a hat? Melbourne, Florida. It's a hat on a hat.

Yes, that is like two. It's like Mexico, Missouri. Even for Florida, though, you're like, you want to bring Australia into this? Yeah. Police in Melbourne, Florida arrested Audra Adams on charges of trust. Double A.

Double A. I know. On Amy's younger sister. On charges of trespassing and disorderly conduct among other charges after responding to the monkey bar and grill on the night of may 12th where they found adams in the parking lot refusing to leave that's also one of my favorite levels of drunk like you guys go no the bar can't go anywhere right yeah well also like if you have to be acting like an asshole to get a trespassing at an open bar right yeah you know what i mean

get that that was the part that jumped out to me how was she trespassing she was a patron until they tell you to leave dan you've worked at bars before i mean i kicked people out of second city i remember one night I had to tell somebody you got to go. And they're like, what did I do? And I just said to the guy, do you understand the volume you just used? What did I do?

I could now be asking you to leave based on how loud you said what did I do. You just broke three more rules. The worst at Second City and I'm sure you get this too, was when you're doing stand-up, was when someone was clearly having fun. It was like they were watching TV.

I'm helping, yeah. And they would be like, I get that. That's great. And you're like, fuck. They are enjoying themselves. Right, but they're a problem. Because they don't understand. I also like, I don't understand i also

like we i don't know second city of the scene when like every couple of months you'd have people fooling around during the show oh yeah one time we put what is that what oh it was that little corner and yeah one time we put the um spotlight on this guy who's just fingering his day that happened a lot one time we had two we had a guy and girl and he just fingering his date. I know. That happened a lot. One time we had a guy and girl and he was fingering the girl. Yeah, it's a lot of fingering. It really is. It really is.

Some adults. Like these aren't like... Full on adults. This isn't like a... Yeah. And I walked up and they both looked at me, his hands still between her legs.

I go, guys. They both just go, sorry. One of the house managers there heather winner a dear friend of mine her theory was always that they were having affairs okay and this is where we go yeah and so they would go somewhere dark she loved catching people too heather loved it she would gather the entire staff before we kicked them out like she would somehow let everyone we got one no we got one so that all of you guys knew what was happening out there yep but like i don't know god bless

for like i know one time finger bang i think i've told it here one time you know because we'd always get like bachelor and bachelorette parties at second city so one time these guys roll in having the night of their life it's like friday or saturday night they're coming to the second show you can smell the lipitor i know and i go i go i go guys are you sure you want to come in yep and they were like what i'm like we have will call there's plenty of people waiting we can get you your money back why why we don't want we we don't want this show i'm just asking you this you've been having a great night do you want to come in here and have to be quiet sit down for an hour and a half and have to be quiet and have to respect other people tell you right now right a couple of you are going to love it the rest of you are going to fall asleep at best so i'm just

do you want to put the brakes on this whole night and they looked at me and they were like we can get our money back i go i understand why you came here but i'm telling you it just isn't going to work it's a great idea on paper bad idea i wish you were in every club i wish you were i agree that's so smart and i was like it wasn't they were like thought i was doing them a solid the guy turns to leave one of the guys he walks out and he just i'll never forget it the rest of the he just he just yells it's poon hunting season. And then walks out. And you were like, I'm following them. Yeah.

Take me to your leader. You're like, I didn't know it was March 9th already. I'm like, what are you even talking about? Also, imagine that was their thanks so much. Yeah. Like verbiage. That was Dan. That was them going like going like we're out imagine if i had to kick them out do you know you sound like a predator a hunter yes whoever they're they all made some girl very lucky that yes for sure no it's like i need a location. Her vagina. No. No.

No. We're not taking any more locations from the upper right part of this audience. You tell me where the Admiral's at. All right. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we'll wrap up the rest of this story, find out what's going on with Katie Rich, and I will talk to her about dancing with Dave Ross. All right.

We'll be back. Stick around. Make a sound. There's, we'll be back. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We want to remind people about a few important things. Number one, Dan has a nightly show called The Good Night Show.

It is fantastic. It is a wonderful podcast that I choose to listen to in the morning because that is how I don't wake up and freak out that the world is ending. It eases you into your day and it's just such a sweet and wonderful. And Katie, you should do that. I'm going to make this connection right now. You should do Dan's show. It's really sweet and awesome. Yeah, we have guests twice a month, so I'll hit you up. And we do a daily podcast called Sklarbro Country, the Virus Edition,

and we do a daily podcast called Sklarbro Country, the Virus Edition, a.k.a. The Panty Pods, a.k.a. One Egg, Four Legs. I like that one. It's a good one. I like that. And we break down just, you know, stories related to COVID-19

that are absurd and ridiculous, and hopefully we make you laugh for 20, 25 minutes a day. But this drops, this episode is going to drop tomorrow, okay, of this show. So Friday the 29th is when this drops. And Jason and i and dan

we are doing a stand-up show we have not done this yet uh we've done it once but we haven't done a full like hour-long set on this show it's called the nowhere comedy club our buddy ben glebe has set this thing up it's fantastic i know ben you know ben so this it's a you get to do stand-up in like they cap it at 390 people uh we have already sold like a third of the tickets right now we're doing our dance gonna do 20 minutes and we can hear everybody it's like if everybody shows up it's a 400 person zoom call and people turn their volume of their microphones down a little bit but we turn it down to one-fifth the volume but we can still hear the laughs so it's like being in a comedy club it is the most fun thing that we have done and we're doing it thursday june 4th 7 p.m west coast time 10 p.m

eastern and 9 central but we want everyone to to come check it out it is the nowhere comedy club go to eventbrite.com and look up night of a thousand ten bars or 15 bucks it's really for all the people out there who said you guys never come to x you i wish you came to my city i mean this is your chance to see us dan is so funny his new material is so good i just i can't wait so yeah uh check that out and you can get those tickets and that's fun all right katie well first of all what i know you're working on a project that you're not allowed to talk about which i'm so excited to talk about that you're not allowed to talk about but it just makes me happy that you're working on something can i I ask you, are you enjoying working on the thing

that we're not allowed to talk about? Very much so. Good. Then I can't wait, because whatever you work on is fantastic. I was at SNL for six years, and I worked for Weekend Update, and so everything was topical, topical, topical, which is lovely and wonderful, but then you get to a point where you're

like oh no i gotta gotta get out of this cycle of this yeah yeah it's a grind it's a grind so but speaking of weekend update that is where you dance with dave ross oh it wasn't just david i know i know everybody's his joy of like dancing and your joy are like seared into my it was right after the cubs won and i i watched game seven to new york you were giving me tips on where to go uh to see the game and so you getting to like dance with them fulfilled so many other people's like emotions do you know what i mean like you're like oh that's my buddy it was it was i was like so sad because i couldn't be in chicago you know and um and then it was oh, the Cubs are coming to me?

Yeah. Who was it? It was you, Dave, and who? Anthony Rizzo heard of him. Rizzo was there. Dexter Fowler heard of him. Yeah. Cardinal.

The only Cardinal I cheer for, sorry. Okay, good. It's all right. Take it. And Bill Murray heard of him. A little bit. and uh bill murray heard of him and it was so fun because it was my the the the team at weekend update i was like is there any way i could like be one of the singers they were like absolutely yes but but the other singers were actual singers you know yeah who are sag and who are like you

know this is a and and they were like, you know, this is a, and, and they were like, okay, so Katie knows the song and they're trying to like, ask me about harmonies. And I was like, I don't fucking know.

I'm just mouthing these words. This is the most sober I've ever sung this song. So this will be like the only time that you'll ever see me singing on TV. Just like, this is the only time the Cubs will ever win the World Series again. We're taking one event. That's fine.

What a fun turn. This really took a turn. It's amazing. Well, you're a great follow on the Twitters. Please tell people how they can, and all the stuff that you do, how they can follow you. Well, it's my full name.

It's Katie Mary Rich. So my name is actually Advice. That's really my actual name. I did not follow my own advice. Great job. So yeah, that's a great place to start. Awesome. All right.

And hopefully when you can announce. When you can announce, you'll come back. On your Twitter field also you'll announce and then you'll come back and do it. You'll come back here and we'll promote it, okay? Hell yeah, I'll come back. I love it. I love it. Let's finish the story up.

Okay. The bar owner told police that Adams, because they eventually got there, tried to kiss random patrons inside the bar before she was asked to leave. Adams initially refused, believe it or not, but then wandered, which I love that word, just kind of like meandered her way into the parking lot where she continued to refuse to leave. The cops offered to call her a cab or phone her family to pick her up, but instead she sat on the ground and stated that she would not go.

So we're at like three-year-old level of like... Tantrum. Right, right. So the pills have kicked in. Right, exactly. I always say too, you always get that level of drunk where you want everything to wait. Like, no matter what you're trying to get your friend to do, they're like, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Just get in the fucking car, Kyle. Wait a minute. Wait. Or we're like, dude, order. Wait, wait. She phoned the cops five times, including once after police had already responded to the bar

and once while she was talking to the cops. Who are you talking to? I'm talking to the cops. That's what they said. They asked why she was calling them once. She said she felt the bar was not practicing social distancing or following guidelines. I mean, she would know.

And she also felt that the parking lot was spinning. Yeah. And she said an African-American man is threatening me. I was going to say, no need to google this she's white police asked again asked her again to leave at which point she refused and stated she would quote sit in the parking lot all night if i had the hours if they didn't care about overtime and i'm that cop i'd be like let's see it how long can this does this then become a stakeout? A standoff, at least. A standoff, yeah.

Jeez. After that is when she was arrested. She was charged with trespassing after a warning, disordered conduct, resisting without violence, and misuse of 911. I'm going to ask you guys. They get into other things we don't care about. How old do you think Audra Adams of Melbourne, Florida,

or the surrounding area is? She called the cops five times. She's trying to kiss people in a bar, and she wants to sit in a parking lot all night. I have in my brain what it is. Katie, what do you think? 45. 45 years old. That is peak Karen.

I will tell you that right now, in my mind, she's 67 or she's 22. And you probably can't tell by looking at just know which way she looks so good i'm gonna say i'm gonna say she's i'm gonna say she's 22 22 okay i'm gonna say she's 54 54 years which sounds old to anyone in their 20s but it's really not that far especially in flor, because you could still fight. You're in your fighting prime. 54, but she dresses like she's 22. Yeah, her shirt says like 1-800 You Wish. She shops at Forever 21.

And her pockets are dazzling. Okay. Audra Adams, we will get out of here on this, is 32 years old. Oh, jeez. Where would that be? I was 10 off. It's me.

And I went over, so you were the $1. Thank you. But over is okay. We go over. You were 13 away. I was 10 away. 32 and didn't have the kids that weekend. That's right. No, she did. He's 13. He can stay by right. No, she did. Mom.

He's 13. He can stay by himself. I cracked a window. They're in the car. They're in the car in the parking lot. Mom. Stop.

Mom. 32 and she had the grandkids. Stop. Katie Rich. You are the best. I'm so happy we got to do this. You are all the best. What a bright spot. What a treat. What a bright spot. I'm so happy you got to do this you are all the best

what a bright spot what a treat what a bright spot I know I want everyone to follow you and I'm gonna just cross fingers

and hope that what you're working on gets made so that we can all enjoy all the great work that you do more of it yeah

well and you got I'll see you guys on the 4th well you'll hear me yay yeah I love it you're the best kiddo

and we gotta go oh Oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. On your down. It's Dumb People Town.