Dumb People Town - DPT Mini Randy Feltface - Ghost Behind the Wheel

Episode Date: November 8, 2019

On this weeks mini, Randy Feltface visits the town all the way from down under to tackle a story about an abandoned running car with an odd collection of items inside.

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population to you. Population, felt face.ulation, Feltface. Oh, my gosh.

Randy Feltface. How are you, buddy? I'm so good. It's so great to be here. You don't have to eat the microphone, man. Thank you so much for having me. All right, Jesus. Dude, I'm a professional.

Look at you. It's been so long since last we met, gentlemen. So we met Randy Feltface at the Montreal Comedy Festival, and he roasted like a champion. I roasted. I did some roasting. You look like you've been roasted. Do I? Yeah, you roasted like a champion. I roasted. I did some roasting. You look like you've been roasted. Do I?

Yeah, you look like a bit of a burn victim, but, you know, it's fine. It's the UV rays in Australia. I'm very close to the hole in the ozone layer. I get fried every time I leave the house. But you've got to put sunscreen on, I mean, especially with no hair on the top of your head. I know. And you've got Dan's haircut, Dan Van Kirk's hair.

I do. Me and Dan, we took notes before the show. We compared trends. I want Randy to grow a beard. I can't. I've tried. You can't get the connectors? It comes out like a blue sort of fuzz. It looks weird.

Well, here, let me ask you this. Ask me it. I'm going to ask it to you. I feel like I'm not. Can you make the mic look... There we go. Check. look There we go That sounds good So Rand Randy My question to you is Do you believe the world's getting dumber

Yes It's global Does the dumb in Australia go in the opposite direction It does Down there stupid people push on pull doors whereas here they pull on push doors. Thank you. Okay, I'm glad you have the guts to actually say that. I had to say it.

Someone had to say it. Thank you, Randy. Who's pushing the pool doors? Oh, jeez. I'll tell you who's pushing the pool doors. Australians. All right, so let's get into a story because we have you here. We've got a story and our friends are-

Is it from Florida? Maybe. I don't know. What is the Florida? Is it Adelaide? Is that the Florida? Is that the Florida? Adelaide is the Florida of the world.

Is that where Yummy Mummies takes place? Oh, God. I don't even know what that is. You don't know what Yummy Mummies is? Is it some sort of podcast? No. Yummy Mummies is essentially like the Real Housewives of Orange County or something like that.

They're just the Real Housewives of Atlanta or something like that. Something Jason likes. All right, okay. See, this is good. I'm glad I don't know what that is. All right, well, you no longer know it, but we're going to get into this right now. Let's do it. This was sent in by Jordan Bolt at JW Bolt, B-O-L-D-T, Bold T.

Bold. Bold T. JW Bold T. Bold. All right, ready? JW, what do you got? Police call Joe Williams. Last month's comes to us from OregonLive.com.

So this is Oregon. Oregon also, by the way, Randy Felface, they- Like Florida. Like Florida, they release their police blotter, meaning they let you know what's going on, where some states don't do that. Yeah. Release the police blotter. And how often do they release it?

Is it a daily blot? It's a full release. Like full block release. Happy ending, so to speak. Oh my god. Not a lot of happy endings. Alright, Dan, give it to us. Police called Joe Williams. That sounds like a fake name. Joe Williams? Yep. Last month to tell him his

1995 Jeep Cherokee reported stolen a week before had been found idling on a residential street in northeast Portland. Still running. That's what's weird. Still running, Randy. After a week? A 1995 car.

Still running. After a week. It's a Jeep, baby. Well, let me just say this. It was his first thought. Joe Williams? Is that what it is? Yeah.

Which, by the way, it feels like he's missing a first name before Joe. Yes. Bobby Joe Williams. Bobby Joe. Billy Joe. Billy Joe Williams? Is that what it is? Yeah. Joe Williams. Which, by the way, it feels like he's missing a first name before Joe. Yes. Bobby Joe Williams. Bobby Joe. Billy Joe. Billy Joe Williams. Beautiful baby Joe Williams. Frankie Joe Williams.

Frankie Joe Williams. Frankie Joe Williams from Portland. Did he think that his first thought is a ghost, right? A ghost is driving this car. Well, the ghost is still behind the wheel, right? The ghost behind the wheel. Or my car is a ghost. Or Jesus was behind the wheel. Ricky Joe Williams, the ghost is still behind the wheel, right? The ghost behind the wheel. Or my car is a ghost. Or Jesus was behind the wheel.

Ricky Joe Williams, the country music singer, his album is called The Ghost Behind the Wheel. There you go. There it is. Also, how great that you steal a car, and when you're done with it, you leave it ready to go for the next thief. You're like, keys in, engine on. Just keep it idle. Someone else take it now.

It's the definition of turnkey. It's like not paying for ending your bird ride. You pull it over, and you let the next person take the ride on you? Do they have bird scooters in Australia, Randy? The little ones that you just get on and see. Lime scooters. Do you take those? Do you take those? Yeah, I take them everywhere. I've got the legs for it. I just get on and sip around

all over the place. Yeah, exactly. I know. They are the, that is why, that's the perfect crystallization of how we've become stupider as a people. Free scooters. Because they're in Brisbane in Australia. Very hilly. Very hilly place. Very hilly.

The San Francisco of Australia. People just eating shit. Just crushing each other down. Constantly face grinding on footpaths. Face grinding on footpaths, which is the name of your new album. I guess. And also, no helmets. No one ever is like, you know what?

I'm going to get on this scooter, but I better take out a helmet. Well, this is the thing in Australia. Helmets are compulsory, but not for the scooters. That you can ride it like 50 mile an hour. With a baby in a Bjorn. With a baby in a Bjorn. And just let it. And one on the back.

Thank you. And a ghost behind the wheel. And a ghost behind the wheel. Oh my God. So what happened to this freaking car? Yeah, is there a part two? Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

The suspected thieves left behind some curious odds and ends the Jeep owner would discover. Yes, they did! A large stuffed bear, a tattoo gun, ink and rubber gloves, and a portable cell phone charger. What is happening? Tattoo gun? A tattoo gun? Is that like in case you need to quickly give someone a tattoo? Tattoo gun. and rubber gloves and a portable cell phone charger. What is happening? A tattoo gun?

Is that like in case you need to quickly give someone a tattoo? Tattoo gun. That's just what they call it. That's what they call it. Tattoo gun, ink, and rubber gloves. I'm inkless. If you got a tattoo. Face tattoo, full face tat. It would be of your face on your face.

On the back of my head of my eyeballs. Of your actual face. Yeah. Like my face on the back of my head. You have a very tattooable head. I'm going to say that. It's a lot of surface area. Yes my face on the back of my head. You have a very tattooable head. I'm going to say that. It's a lot of surface area. Yes.

A lot of surface area. It could go at me with a Sharpie and it would never come off. Nice. A teddy bear, Dan? A teddy bear. So they went to the fair. They won a bear. Went to the fair, won a bear, got a tattoo.

On waiting. No, well, on route to tattoo perhaps. Right. Started an apprenticeship where they got the gun, the ink, and the rubber gloves. Out of all of those things, I think they were most inconvenienced by losing their phone charger. Right. It's like, you're just irresponsible. Yeah.

Irresponsible thieves. That's a $40 mistake. So you know, by the way, this guy's phone was in charge for a week. Yeah. You know what I mean? It was like, as soon as it runs out, there's nothing I can do. A quote here, and some crazy tools, like the ones you'd use to break into cars, said Williams, 55, who lives in southeast Portland's Richmond neighborhood with his family.

Well, that doesn't add up. No, it does not. The angle, I'm sorry, the angles. The alleged Prowlers, it turns out, also found a disposable camera the family had long forgotten about in the glove box. Here comes some pictures of some assholes. So they snapped a couple pictures of themselves during the escapades.

You are dumb. Of their faces? I love that in a 1995 G... Just selfies? Yes. And left the camera? Yes. Oh, this gets better. They're idiots. Fools. There was marijuana involved. Probably.

Portland, maybe. That turned out to be a problem because they neglected to take the camera with them when they ditched the car, engine running, heater and windshield wipers on. Why are they leaving the car like this? Was it cold and rainy? Maybe. It's Portland. But here's what I'm going to say. Okay. You cannot get film

developed anywhere anymore you just can't it's like if you go to a drugstore or somewhere you can't get it so maybe they thought

no one's ever gonna see these pictures there was definitely someone in the car saying just leave it they'll never develop it they didn't care about this remember the old day

when you have to take it with the white you have to wind it and then hold the orange yes hold the thing down did you have to go to the chemist or the pharmacy yeah you have to wind it and then hold the orange light turned down. Did you have to go to the chemist or the pharmacy?

Yeah, you go to the pharmacy and get them. And they would do it. But now no pharmacy has a thing that can develop it. Nobody has a dark room anymore unless you're like a serial killer. Yeah. Thank you. We're going to find out what happened in the photos. We're going to take a quick break.

We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Donumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We got Randy Feltface here. Before we get back in and find out what happened to the photos. Where is Randy Feltface performing? Where can we see you?

Where can we catch you? I'm doing a show at Dynasty Typewriter. Oh yeah. Yes. Love it there. In November. When does this go out? Is this live? No, this is not live. I'm on tonight. No, not. Yes. Love it there. In November. When does this go out? Is this live? This is not live. I'm on tonight. No, I'm not on tonight.

So this is in, so Dynasty Typewriter, do you know the day? 24th of November. It's a Sunday. You know what? Tickets are selling like hotcakes. I bet they are. By the way, this guy is so fun. Right around Thanksgiving, if you get your tickets now, you will be thankful that you

got tickets. It's the week before Thanksgiving because Thanksgiving's so late this year, which I'm so invested in because I've never celebrated Thanksgiving in my life. There's really nothing you're going to be thankful for. I don't thank anyone! It's a surprise because I think of you as a jive turkey. You're the least gracious

puppet I've ever met. And I do have a turkey-like neck. You do have a turkey neck. Touch it with your face. That's sweet. That worked well on a podcast. If I told you what that smelled like, Randy. What would it smell like?

Desperation. This is a new game. Welcome back to what does Randy's neck smell like? Desperation. Yep. Cheetos. Yep. Broken dreams.

Okay. I mean, that's what we expected. Wasn't anything that we didn't expect. Dan, go. Desperation and broken dreams. Go to danielvankirk.com. I'm going to be where you are. Go to superschoolers.com. They're going to be where you are, too.

Come see all of us. That's right. And October 13th, if this is around then, we should see you in New York. Yep. Here we go. Williams said his teenage children found the camera after he got the Jeep back, and they were cleaning it out. They took the film to Fred Meyer to be developed.

Oh, Freddy Meyer. Well, it's not a guy. Freddy Meyer, the photo guy. No, it's a story. It was a guy to start with. It was a guy. Fred Meyer was a guy to start with. Yeah, he was. What an idea, too. You create your business. You're like, what do you want to call this store? Me. My name. Me. I'm going to call my store Randy

Felface. What are we going to sell? Everything. Everything. Desperation. And years from now, people will go, Randy Feltface. What are we going to sell? Everything. Everything. Desperation. And years from now, people will go, Randy Feltface isn't a person. It's a shop. It's a store. No, it was a person. It was a person.

It was desperate. Well, they took it to Fred Meyer thinking they'd unearth a few old gems just of their family. They came home from Freddy's and said, Dad, you won't believe what we found on the camera. The Blair Witch. One photo showed a tattooed and dark-haired man in the driver's seat drinking what appears to be a fountain soda or 7-Eleven Slurpee. A second man sits behind. Not a White Claw? They're just taking candids. Yeah.

I know. White Claws all the way around. You drinking White Claws these days? Randy? Chilling. Chilling. Sorry, I was just obsessing about them going to the 7-Eleven in the way around. You drinking White Claws these days? Randy? Chilling. Chilling. Sorry, I was just obsessing about them going to the 7-Eleven in the stolen car. How about getting those pictures back, Randy, from Fred Meyer,

and you're just looking through and expecting to see it, and then you see other people in your picture. Terrifying. Terrifying. Although that used to happen. Yeah. Occasionally you would get one snap. Get somebody else's.

Remember at weddings they used to have disposable cameras at the tables at weddings in the 90s. People would go wild. Yes. Yes. That's a thing again now. Is it? It is. Oh, that would be fun.

That's actually kind of fun. Thanks, guys, for constantly correcting my mic. Another photo was a selfie of a blonde-haired woman mouth agape. You don't even know how to take a photo. Hang on. About to do what? I don't know. Just screaming into the camera. Amused, Williams posted the photographs

to the social networking site Nextdoor. Because everyone's on that. So let me tell you what Nextdoor.com is. Nextdoor.com is the place where people who have too much time complain about things that shouldn't be complained about. Okay. For example, in my neighborhood, someone said that there was

a chicken, a chicken, Randy, a chicken walking across the street, a very disoriented chicken that was walking across the street. Just setting up a joke. So this is the truth. My wife, who felt the need to respond, and I was like, do not. You're just going to bring a ring. And do not. You're getting into a bad place. She said, she asked, how funky was that chicken?

Now, why would she ask that? Which I actually think is a really funny thing. She didn't say to get to the other side? And then someone else said, no, not to get to the other. And then someone else responded. This is how they don't have a sense of humor, Randy, on nextdoor.com. The person wrote back and said, that is a real chicken with real problems and suffering from real things. What?

To which we read that, and my oldest daughter put that quote up on our quote board. And so in my house, on my refrigerator, it says, That is a real chicken with real problems and real issues. Great. Woman on Nextdoor.com. Well, this guy said,

Does anyone recognize these Einsteins? Great joke. Several people in the neighborhood thought they did, Williams said. However, he does not plan to provide the photographs to police or pursue the case any further. He got his truck back and he doesn't care. That's also dumb people, Tom. They're like, whatever. I got it.

What are they going to do? Come back and steal it again? The Jeep's older than dirt, Williams said. When I bought my new car, I was going to trade it in. How much do you guys think that the dealer offered him for a 1995 Jeep Wrangler? $65.58. All right.

What would you say, Randy? Me? Yes. All right. We're going to see. They're both called Randy's here. They're both called Randy's here. Jay, you go. I'm going to say he offered him $400. Okay. Do you really think it's $65, Randy? Come on. Give your real guess.

I thought this was a comedy podcast. It is! I picked a funny number. All right, I want to win it. You got the laugh. Now get the real guess. Now do the real number. $350.

$350. I said $400. I think $720. Oh, okay. All right. Are you guys ready for this? Hit me. Because when he took his Jeep to get traded in when he wanted his new car, the total amount offered by

the dealership was get your answers in now, Tyler. It has to be low enough that he didn't want to take the money. Right. So maybe, Randy, you were right the first time. I was right the first time. I got pressured into changing my answer. No, no, no. Randy, if it's close to 65, we'll give it to you. Yeah, you give me

65? Let me just say this. Because, Randy, you feel like two people, I'm going to give it as- You get two guesses. That's right, two guesses. So you get the 65 and the 350. Thank you. I feel so welcome on this. The total amount of dollars offered by the dealership for the Jeep Wrangler is $65.

No! Swear to God. No! Jump, jump, jump, jump. $65. No! Swear to God. No! Jump, jump, jump, jump! I swear on my grandfather's grave. Oh, my God. Randy!

$65. Randy's open? We just got owned by a puppet. We just got felt-faced. Can you edit out when I changed my answer later? No. No, but we- You didn't change it. We gave you both.

I still got both. Your initial answer. So what do I get? What's my prize? You just get the tattoo gun. Just knowledge

that you understand the world of the dumb better than any of us. Can I have the glove? Can I get the glove that was left in the car? You can grab a glove. The glove

and the tattoo gun. And the ink. Just the glove. Looking out here on this, it's one of those things where we've had it so long that's talking And the ink. Just the ink and the glove. Look at out here on this. It's one of those things where we've had it so long that's talking about the car. The kids grew up with it.

So now it's part of the family. William said- That sounds like a grandma. Yeah, but it's like part of the family that was then abducted and now you don't know what happened in that week. And you're not willing

to punish the people that did it. So you don't really care that much about it. Right. And this is what I love too. We'll leave it here. William said- I can't believe you got. Right. And this is what I love, too. We'll leave it here. William said... I can't believe you got that right! How do you think I felt?

I had to keep that in. Dan! I did. This is how good Dan is. When you guys made Randy change, I couldn't then say one of you got it exactly right because he technically... And then you went on both.

So I had to keep it all in. What's wrong with us? We should have never questioned Randy Felface. William said he also planned... I love this last little thing. We'll get out of here on this. So I had to keep it all in. What's wrong with us? We should have never questioned Randy Felface. William said he also planned, I love this last little thing. We'll get out of here on this. William said he also planned to keep the tattoo equipment left behind in the Jeep, but his wife didn't want it in the house.

So, quote, so I left it on the front porch. Someone stole it. That's a story, friend. Sounds like you got to move, bro. You're in a bad neighborhood Oh my god There you go There you go Randy Feltface

It's just been so much fun Being done with you people How do people follow you On social media? Randy Feltface On the Instagram On the Facebook On the

I'm on Twitter But I never tweet Alright so you never tweet So follow you on Instagram Randy Feltface He's gonna be in the UK We have fans in the UK He's gonna be in Australia

he will also be back here at Dynasty Typewriter on November 24th I think people are going to love you and we'll have you back on this damn show yes

Randy Felpace we love you and oh shit we got to get back to work Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb