Dumb People Town - DPT Mini - Zach Bornstein - These Automobiles Are In Cahoots

Episode Date: October 11, 2019

Zach Bornstein visits town to discuss a man who is fed up with a truck partially parked on his lawn. 

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Bornstein. Hello. How are you? How are you, buddy? Welcome to the show. Oh, my People Town. Population you. Population Bornstein. Hello. How are you? Sorry, Bornstein. How are you, buddy? Welcome to the show.

Oh, my God. Thank you guys for having me. I love it. So happy to have you. Yeah, man. That's so nice of you guys. You are a phenomenal writer. You are fantastic.

A great follow on the old twits. Oh, my God. Get out of here. You want me to leave right now? Get out. I'm gone. Leave. Get him out of here.

Scram. With those damn compliments. But I feel like you are uniquely and perfectly engineered. Genetically engineered? Yeah. As Jews, are we allowed to say that? Yes, exactly. Genetically.

You've been mangled into being the perfect person to do this show. We believe that the world's getting dumber. I don't know if that's your thought in this world. I think the things we hear about are getting dumber. But then people are just building quantum computers and shit, and we the things we hear about are getting dumber. But then like there's, there's just like so, like there's, people are just like building like quantum computers and shit

and we just don't hear about it. But the things that are so juicy that you want to talk about, that's for sure getting dumber. So we're getting more access to dumb news. Yes. Oh my God.

The access is incredible. Dumb got a better PR guy. Right? It's dumb just, whoever's PR for dumb is just killing it right. PR for dumb, that's a great whoever's PR for dumb is just killing it right PR for dumb that's a great Scott

PR for dumb smart can't get can't get on the radio when they go high we go loud yes all right

that's gotta be a shirt as Melania once said when they go high we go loud when we go high they go loud that's right so we get stories

sent to us by our wonderful, who are not dumb, but very smart listeners, and we just try and make sense of them. So we got one sent to us. Do you want to jump into one right away? Let's do it. Ready? I'm excited. A man. Ooh. Angry that a pickup truck. Or just a man angry.

A man. Welcome to 2019. A man angry that a pickup truck. I don't even know what's coming next, but he's mad at an inanimate object. Well, he's definitely personified the pickup truck, so now the pickup truck has personal tricks. I saw a pickup truck yesterday that was the tallest thing I've ever seen, and just on the side of it, it said vagina guitars.

Oh. You play everyone different. Yeah. I don't know the market for it. Hey, yo, baby, I'm tuning you up. I don't know the market for it. Hey, yo, baby, I'm tuning you up. I can't find the pick. No, I've always... That's far, brother.

Stop. You know, the thing... I can't find the G chord. There it is. There it is. The G string is missing. It ain't real. It ain't even real.

I don't think it's possible. It doesn't exist. So it's out of tune. So I drive by those vans. I drive by those vans that say like topless maids. Oh, yeah. I'm like, what is the moment? Because you know the actual service of having whatever you have cleaned.

They do have to do some cleaning. It's going to be terrible. Do they show up with stuff? Imagine. We all know someone who called them, and I don't want to blow their spot up, but we all know this person. Name names. Okay. What was the girl from Casey and what's it?

Lacey and Cagney? Cagney and Lacey. Tyne Daly. Tyne Daly. She called one of them. That is obviously not who it is. No.

And they said that they will come over and do some light dusting but then if we hit it off we can we'll talk more. If we hit it off.

Yeah. So I just would love to have that moment where there's a topless person in your house and you're like hey listen you need to

you need to pull out my son's trundle. I'm not going to say this to you again. It's each figurine. If you're not going to clean all of the precious moments, why clean one? I don't want a hummer. I want you to be passive aggressive. Clean my hummels. Don't give me a hummer. You lock yourself in your office. You don't even look at them the whole time. Do you even own a Dyson?

Why are you here? You're good going around corners, but... Man mad at a pickup truck. Wait, did you find out is it just vagina guitars? I didn't do any more research. I was like, I want that amount of information and I went out. It feels like a Van Halen song that

never made it on an album. Well, that's a new definition for a flying V. There it is. Guitar. That was on the C side of their tape. Is that a C cut? This story also comes to us from the Omaha World Herald. They have a tagline under their thing. Let's hear it.

Who wrote it? They wrote this as three different thoughts. Okay. It's interesting. But it should, you want these all to run together. Don't choose them individually. Real, fair, accurate, period after each one okay no real fair and don't just choose which one you're doing real fair accurate i guess it's very fox newsy fair and balanced yeah who wrote

who wrote the article nancy gar i'm gonna try Gardner. There's too many A's in here. Gardner is close enough. No, it's classic Nancy Gardner. Classic Gardner. That's a classic. Classic Gardner. You can't keep her away from those pickup truck stories. She's constantly gardening. A man angry that a pickup truck had parked partly on the grass in front of his home.

No, a person parked that way. He's just mad at the truck. Don't blame the truck. Sir, get out of there. I'm mad at your truck. Yeah, let me talk to the truck. Sir, get out of there. I'm mad at your truck. Yeah, let me talk to the truck for an hour. Leave it on. I want to talk to it.

People don't park on your long trucks, too. He was mad that the truck had parked partly on the grass in front of his home. Also, that's public property, right? If you're on roadside sidewalk. But if he's on the grass For real what do you think happened guys? Was there any curb? It may have been one of those smooth curbs

No curb And also it might not be a sidewalk So yard could come all the way up to the street The yard goes into the street It's in two lanes of traffic The yard fizzles out into gravel What do you call that an easement? The property line is not up to the gravel.

No. It's an uneasement. This guy definitely thinks his property line goes three feet into the gravel. Yeah. I get part of the street. I own the shoulder. That's what he told me. He was mad that it parked on the grass in front of his home.

Why is that news? Took a knife to the truck's tires. Now it's news. Now you want it to move? Now it's news. Now you want it to move? Now it's news. Now you can't get it out of there. I know. You're going to be scraping up your lawn with hubcaps.

What are you doing, man? Well, now we're not going anywhere, buddy. Yeah. So you want this problem for a long time. Right. Hammered out the lights on a cement mixer across the street, to which those guys are like, Oh, hey! What are you?

Why? Who's got a phone? Someone's taping this. Someone's taping this. Don't throw those papers at that bird. Like, it's just anything he sees outside. Why does this guy have such an elaborate toolkit, too, that he brought out? Does he think that the cement truck let that happen?

Yeah. You knew this. He's just mad at inanimate objectsimate object he's like this truck let that truck do that and so now i'm going to take it out on that truck right his automobiles are in cahoots couldn't fix his marriage so he broke his spatula he hammered out the lights on a cement mixer across the street then this is my favorite part then stomped through freshly poured concrete and swore at men doing street repairs a sheriff's report and cell phone video indicate i would just love to see this and

i know it's only in cartoons does it do this but like for him to like be stomping really fast and then slow down and then he's getting lower with each step and he's stuck and one foot up in quick sand would have been the only thing that would have been better. The video was taken by one of the crew members. It shows the man wearing... I mean, that is the best lunch break ever. Ever! Because these guys don't give a shit about what's happening. They're like, oh, I got to work for another two hours?

Fine. Whatever. I get overtime because I get to go home early. It shows the man wearing cut-off brown overalls, a red t-shirt, and a baseball cap across the street to the cement mixer where he asked the person videoing him, you got this? You ready? Nothing good ever happens. I don't care what it is.

You got this? You ready? Let's serve this soup kitchen. Usually it's like, you got this? You ready? I'm going to do a backflip in this bar. You've never done a backflip. Nope.

You got this? There's nowhere to land. Daddy. There's nowhere to land. You move that table, it's not going to matter. No, no. You might this. There's nowhere to land. Daddy. There's nowhere to land. You move that table, it's not going to matter. No, no. You might hit it outside. Yeah.

You got this. You ready? Before he starts hammering at the mixer's lights. I like that he finally talked to a person at the end, though. I know. He was just yelling at trucks. No, no. He wants the person to document him.

No, he could have just been talking to the phone. Oh, sure. Because he believes that the phone is the thing that takes the video. Hey, phone, you got this? You ready? Take the video. I put down that guy who's holding you. Let's talk about this. Also,

Mixer's Lights sounds like a knockoff of White Claw to me. Mixer's Lights. Mixer's Lights. Quote, I want that truck off my lawn, he yells at the workers. Like Bethany Frankel came up with Mixer's light. Yes, and it's crushing it. Right?

It's like, it's the way to make a margarita with half the calories. Get me back! You know what got announced yesterday? She's got her own sketch comedy show. No. Because you know that's what she wants to do. I did not know that. Yeah, she wants to be a sketch comedian.

White Claw has put out a pumpkin spice flavor. It was bound to happen. Because that's the epitome of basic bitches like me. It comes in an Ugg boot. You have to drink it straight out of an Ugg boot. If you buy enough cases, you can trade it in for an autumnal scarf. That's kind of nice. for an autumnal scarf.

Okay. Stop it. That's kind of nice. The man, Thomas Mailander, has been ticketed on suspicion of... Suspicion. Is it a male

or a female lander? Male lander. Okay. I just want to make sure. M-A-I-L. Oh, mail lander. Mail lander. Mail lander.

Meaning they used to land mail. Some sort of Ellis Island. Yeah. Wherever the mail lands, that's where I am. Just don't let it land on my lawn. He's been ticketed on suspicion of criminal mischief, says Douglas County Sheriff Lieutenant Rob Jones.

That's not suspicion. He did it. He got it on video. We got it. You got this? Yeah. The incident occurred Thursday morning on Potter Street in the Deerwood Park area,

which is northwest of the intersection of Blair High Road and Ida Street. So that is all you need for the Dumb People Town walking tour. Put it on the walking tour. You know where to go. I don't think Nancy captured all of this in the headline. I'll be honest. Because just mad at pickup truck doesn't fully capture.

It's like mad at pickup truck and loses his mind. It just goes crazy. It starts breaking shit. Gets his hardware tools out. Something happened before today. Man mad at pickup truck makes Crispin Glover seem sane. That's a good headline.

Man mad at pickup truck shows us why men shouldn't be in power. These are Pulitzer headlines. Later in the video, after hammering at the back of the cement mixer, Mailander steps into the wet concrete and then stumbles through it. He falls down as he tries to extricate himself.

And you know he was like, don't help me. Sir. I got it. If that sets, you are in trouble. You're in trouble. No, I'm not in trouble. Oh, yeah? Still glad you wore cutoff overalls, bro.

Who's talking to me? The forklift? Oh, laughing at me, forklift, sir. I love embarrassments based with concrete because there's a record forever. It's like now people are going to ask, why is there these dips and handprints in there? Why is there a knee print? Those are mail landers. Once out of the muck with the hammer still in one hand and his feet and other caked in wet concrete.

He walked over to the thing and hit the thing. We will get into it right after we talk. Oh, man. Teasing us. You dirty dumb. More Dumb People Town right after this. Hey, guys. Welcome back more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Before we go any further in this story, we should mention some dates. We are in, depending on when this drops. This should drop right before the- We go to, in October, October 13th, we are doing a live Dumb People Town at the Bell House in Brooklyn. We have Michael Che on the show. And just added a partner, Nonchella. Oh, she'sth. We are doing a live Dumb People Town at the Bell House in Brooklyn. We have Michael Che on the show. And just added a Parnanon Chella.

Oh, she's wonderful. Yes, we're very excited to have her on the show and him on the show and then we may be getting a musical guest on that show as well. Guys, come into the city.

Come check it out and then we may do a second show, a totally different show. We can sell it out. Let's do it. A tight five from Mailander.

Mailander is going to do his cement set. And actually, the weekend after that, I will be at Zaney's in Chicago. Look at that. And then a whole bunch of tour dates that should be out by now. So go to DanielVanKirk.com. I'm all over the Midwest and the East Coast wrapping up the Together tour. Superscleros.com is us, and we have a number

of dates coming up, including we haven't been to Comedy Out State in a while while We're coming back there In March March 12th Heyo Heyo Madison Wisconsin You sir Zach

Have a little thing That you're doing On Comedy Central Original Yes sir It's a new talk show Called My Least Favorite Thing Where I talk to celebrities

While we do their Least favorite thing Which is like Driving to LAX Driving to LAX Laundry Yeah laundry Could be facing Their fear of snakes It could be Confrontation Which is like driving to LAX. Driving to LAX. Laundry. Yeah, laundry. Could be facing their fear of snakes.

It could be confrontation. We make them actually confront people in their lives. Firing off an angry email. I love it. And all the while you're interviewing them. Yes. In the midst of them doing this horrible thing. While they're furious.

While people are parking on their lawn. My least favorite thing. Check it out. That'll be available on Comedy Central. There you go. It's on TV. I love it. Gots to love it. My least favorite thing. Yes. Check it out. That'll be available on Comedy Central. There you go. It's on TV. I love it. Gots to love it.

All right, Daniel, bring us back into the story. It's a great idea for a show. Thank you. So I said later in the video, after hammering at the back of the cement mixer, Mailander then stepped into the wet concrete, then fell, and then tried to extricate himself. Can I help you with that, sir? Is that quick settings?

That would be my favorite part of the video, is the lull after he's fallen and they're like do we like let go of the hammer man yeah no let him get up i want to see him get up once out of the muck with the hammer still in one hand and his feet and the other caked in wet concrete how long do you have before that sets i don't know 20 minutes it depends on it's dry so It depends on how hot it is. In cartoons, it's like 30 seconds. Max. Can we get a bucket in here of it? In the barber of Seville.

You can then be seen confronting Carrie Jackson, co-owner of Jackson's Complete Concrete. Not complete anymore. I'm sorry, Ms. Jackson. Jackson asks. I am concrete. Carrie Jackson says, and this is perfect you've got a guy covered in cement he's already knocked out lights on your cement truck and you could come in hot right but what's the best thing to do with you this is all he says everything all right yeah the worst the worst them like Donald. Patronize them.

Are we done? You having a good day? Kerry Jackson. Kerry Jackson. I haven't seen him. He has gone as Dog the Bounty Hunter for Halloween. Oh, yeah. For sure.

And then drove around the next day still in costume. See what's going on over here. Picked up five bounties. At which point Mailander responds response everything all right does everything look all right to you you dumb fuck did fuck make it into the newspaper uh and then four periods and then a question mark dan it is okay mail lander now i haven't seen the highlander movie i haven't seen it can be only one mail and there can be only one mail Lander. There can be only one Mail Lander. That was what I was asking. Number two, is this the new fantasy movie series? Beyond Highlander.

Mail Lander. Mail Lander's Academy. And I would call it You've Got Mail Lander. That's perfect. That's perfect. Everything alright? I love that he repeats it. Everything alright? Does everything look alright to you? You dumb fuck. I want that truck

off my lawn. You mean the truck that no longer has working tires? Or the truck that you're now going to bash the headlights out of. He's mad about the truck. The pickup truck. The F-150 I wish I owned. And then he's also now hitting the

cement truck. So he goes, I want that truck off my lawn. Cary Jackson tells Mailander that he doesn't know who owns that truck. So he goes, I want that truck off my lawn. Kerry Jackson tells Mailander that he doesn't know who owns that truck. Of course. Of course. Even if you do, you say, I have no idea. It could be his truck. That is definitely his truck. Shortly thereafter,

the video ends and sheriff deputies arrive and ticket Mailander. Jackson has said he later found out who owns the pickup truck. It was a son visiting his mother who lived across the street from Mailander. So this guy. So can I just say something, though? Mailander is right to go after the cement truck because apparently the cement truck parked in the spot that that truck would have parked in.

So now the cement truck forced this guy to go on his lawn, so he's got to take a boat down. That's some angry guy logic. That's some Mailander logic right there. I was hoping it would be Mailander's son, and he just forgot that he parked outside his house. It's not time to make a change. He doesn't know his own son. Daddy, no.

Doesn't know his own son. It's his own truck. Yeah. This is like a memento situation. He looks at his arm and just says. Mailmento. There it is. There it is.

You could be my John G. Yeah. The citation, Mailander could be my John G. Yeah. The citation, Mailander could not be reached for comment, which to me means they didn't even try. Right.

Gardner should have tried because he'll talk to you. All you gotta do is just go to the lawn and turn on a tape recorder. Yeah, you'll get something. Just pull up just on the front of the lawn

just a little bit. He'll come out. You can whisper Mailander wherever you are, he'll show up. Three times. Say his name. Say his name. Say his name three times.

Caked in cement. The citation is for a misdemeanor based on $500 to $1,500 in damage, Jones said. That's Sergeant Jones, I believe, or Lieutenant. Should the damage to the trucks total more than $5,000, Mailander would be charged with a felony. And the actual property where the truck was parked, it was on a public right-of-way jones said i did not know that i will ask you guys now and we will then get out of this on this how yes how old do you think that mr mailander is 14 i wish come on for real he's

thomas mailander, it's good. He owns a hammer. He owns a hammer. He's lived long enough to feel like he's been wrong. He's wearing a baseball cap. He has property, or at least his renting property, that he takes ownership of. Sure.

He's around enough to be sick of these guys and their cement. Who is the type of guy that would be mad that you park on your lawn? How old is that type of person? And would be willing to fight. That's right. I don't want to dissuade you guys, but as I thought about this too, I was like, well, what would be sides of both? A young guy could be, we're trying to make meth in here.

Right, yeah. Get out of here. Why are you so close to my property? He's inviting suspicion, though, by going insane. That's what these druggies do. He might not be thinking ahead. Look at that problem out there. It's like, no one will know we're doing anything wrong. Look at all the tinfoil we have in the windows. No one will have any clue that we're doing anything wrong.

Look at the explosion that just came out of the chimney. Right. All right, you are our guest. Do you want to go first, Tigger, or third, Zach? He's 38. 38 years old. All right, Jason Oran. He's 57.

57 from Jason Sklar. I think he's 49. 49 from Randy Sklar. I think he's 49. 49 from Randy Sklar. Townie? It sounds old, but it's very close to us. Get your answers in right now, and please play along with us wherever you're at, loudly. Scream it. Thomas Mailander

is 70 years old. Oh my God! And here is the video. And it'll be posted on the Facebook page. Guys, join the Facebook page. Join us on Patreon. Look at him.

He's just picking them up and putting them down. It gets harder as he goes, you can tell. He makes it almost all the way to the edge, and then he falls backwards. I wish I had that energy at 70. New form of Roy White. To be able to stomp through concrete, no problem. Nobody helping him up.

Stomping to the oldies. Nobody helping him up. You know, this is a nicer neighborhood than I would expect. It looks gated. Yeah. It looks really nice. Would you help him? Nope.

I wouldn't either. Not if he's got a hammer in his hand. Yeah, he's got a hammer. Daniel, post that video on the Facebook page. I will. Join the Facebook page if you haven't yet. And join our Patreon. We got lots of extra.

We have some great Patreon stories for you on that. Oh, they're the best. Extra content. We bring the stories. Dan gets to listen to them. Play along. Now's your chance to be a part of that. Follow Zach Bornstein on the old Twitter.

We want to let them know what the old handle is. At Zach Bornstein, Z-A-Z-K-B-O-R-N-S-T-E-I-N. Real simple. Great Twitter follow for the yeah it's so so funny and i cannot wait for the talk show dude the talk show i'm so excited when do we when do we think there's three there's three like sample episodes up right now and uh we got some more coming love it and people can find it at comedycenter.com comedycenter.com or on the youtube page let's do it and uh we've got to get back to work. Stick around.

Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Star Bands Audio. A podcast network. Down in Stump People Town.