Dumb People Town - Duncan Trussell - The Best of Crimes. The Worst of Crimes.

Episode Date: April 14, 2020

This week, Duncan Trussel comes to town to celebrate dumb in the world. In story one, a woman won’t stop dancing during a traffic stop. In story two, a woman sues Chuck E. Cheese over a ticket mishap. To wrap up the show a teachers assistant requests assistance from a student. 

Skypain's out of here. make this so listen to our podcast with co-host our man Dan don't be a jerk cause when the music hits the funny hits we are gonna take you down stick around make a sound on your downies Dumb People Town

hey townies welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town population you population Trestleulation Trestle. Duncan Trestle, welcome to town, my friend. Hello. Glad to be here. Grew up here.

You grew up in Dumb People Town? Good to see y'all. Where did you grow up again? I actually, I don't want to insult where I grew up. I grew up in Hendersonville, North Carolina. And I wouldn't call it a dumb person town any more than any other town, which are all dumb people town. That's right.

So what's up, y'all? How's it going, man? How comforting to get to see your beautiful faces during a pandemic. Amen. Amen. It's so good to talk to you. Actually, we've been wanting you on this show

for a long time. It just took a global pandemic to make it happen. It took a pandemic to make it happen, but we've been wanting you on because show for a long time. It just took a global pandemic. It took a pandemic to make it happen, but we've been wanting you on because Jay and I, first of all, have been sort of loving your trajectory and your career and just watching you sort of come into your own as a very thoughtful, very interestingly taped person.

You have such an interesting take on the world. And we believe that the world's getting dumber I don't know if you even believe that or subscribe to that or feel like dumber's getting louder

but that's what we see and so we just try and under we try and understand it in a weird way with this show oh yeah that's actually

backed up that is in Hinduism the term for the age we're in. Have you heard this? It's Kali Yuga. And this is the final age.

In a lot of world mythologies, this is considered the final age. And essentially, one of the qualities of the age is a diminishing of human intelligence. diminishing of human intelligence. And one of the examples given for that is this entire, just volumes of scripture called the Vedas used to be recited. And these are like books, like the size of books. They would sing them and they would go on and on for hours and hours and hours. Also to put it in a more mundane perspective, do you remember high school when you had like 20 phone numbers memorized? That wasn't a big deal. Do you remember that? Yeah. Now you can't

do it. I don't bet you couldn't even do like three of your friends' phone numbers. Do either one of you know your wife's cell phone number by heart? I do. I do. Dan, who is our partner in crime, for the last seven years, and we talk to him all the heart. I do. I do. Dan, who is our partner in crime. For the

last seven years. Seven years. And we talk to him all the time. I can't tell you his number. I don't know your phone number either. He had to tell me the number to tell you to call in just now. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. That's it. That's it.

What is it? What's your theory on this? Is it technology? Is it fluoride? Is it 5G, 4G, 3G?. What is it? Is what's your theory on this? Is it technology? Is it fluoride? Is it 5g, 4g, 3g? Well, if it's 5g, hang on a second. If it's 5g, now we're into Woody Harrelson territory, but I, it might be, I don't know. I'm just saying, I don't know. None of it's proven.

I think technology has a lot to do it. Well, it's like glasses, man. You start to get glasses and then your eyes, like, which are not great to begin with, start to get worse. Then you got to get a stronger prescription than a stronger prescription. Then you start leaning on the crutch and you don't learn how to walk on your own. Either way, we know the world's getting dumber.

We have amazing stories sent to us by our brilliant dumb ears on the ground. And we just try and figure them out. So should we jump, our dumb boots on the ground. Should we jump into one? You ready to jump into one with us? Yeah. Did you say your dumb boots? Dumb boots on the

ground. They work hard. They work hard, man. These are townie friends. Very meandering. They don't walk in uniform, but they work hard. Okay. All right. This was sent in by Jake Groney at Jake Groney. Thank you so much, buddy. Anybody can send me stories. If you see something dumb in your neck of the woods or anywhere that the internet connects

you to, go to at Daniel Van Kirk hashtag dumb people town. That's who you got to put on twitter and send it to me duncan by the way uh big plug we'll do them later but your twitter account is refreshing fantastic great we'll plug it later thank you this comes from the pj star which i believe stands for peoria journal star okay illinois peoria yes a uh pulled-over motorist would not stop dancing even while undergoing field sobriety tests and later exposed herself to police. Now.

That's a home run. She's touching all the bases. Is she just having fun? Are we squashing fun here, Duncan? Well, she was having fun until the cops ruined it. No, that's just... I mean, that's, okay, I'm going to assume this person is, doesn't have some

mental illness or something like that. We wouldn't do that story. Yeah, we don't do stories of mental illness. I'm sure you did a big background check on this. 100%. 100%. So this is dumb. I mean, this is dumb. Okay, for one, it sounds like, I think I could say just having fun.

I could even almost twist reality enough to think maybe some kind of mystical person who is so in contact. That'd be great. You know, like she's dancing in the joy of life up until she pulls her pussy out. Now we're just like, what we're in a different thing. Right. What are you doing? And think of the cop. You know,

I bet this is the end of his shift. Yep. He's about to go home. Nothing has happened. And suddenly you've got to like handcuff this dancing lunatic with her vagina hanging out. She gets her chakra out. Dude,

she is, she is dancing in the, the moonlight did something she gets her chakra out. Dude, she is dancing. The moonlight did something to her. It did, or this is a woman who's like, let me see how far I can go. So I haven't seen a photo of her, and Dan, are we going to see a photo of her? No. Okay, so we won't see a photo of her.

So if she's an extremely attractive person, then she is saying to herself, how far can I use my sexuality to get what I want? Or the alcohol makes her think she is an extremely attractive person. Alcohol can make you think you are more attractive than you are.

That happens. At 120. I guess so, man. That's crazy to imagine that somebody thinks they can sex their way around. How often does that happen to cops? I know. Probably a lot. That happens a lot. Probably a lot. Women are are like i don't want this ticket i don't want to go to jail i use my sex all the time to get out of stuff dude yeah look at me i buy that i buy that do you think that the implication is that that okay it could be that that has worked for her before. Yes. Sure.

That might mean that she does that, like does the dance, didn't get naked thing whenever she gets pulled over. She could have been taught that by somebody. She could have like, that might be how she gets extra hot sauce packets at Taco Bell. It could be how she warms up her crystals at 1.28 a.m. Saturday. A Peoria cold crystals. She got cold

crystals. You gotta warm those up, Duncan. You can't keep them cold. Duncan, hate it when you first thing in the morning when your crystals are too cold. They don't work until they're warmed up, my friend. Yeah, you gotta warm them up. Peoria County Sheriff's deputy pulled over a driver ignoring a stop sign, which I hope just means her like she,

it was trying, she thought it was trying to talk to her on North Pearson Avenue before turning East onto West Nebraska Avenue. They want you to know exactly where this happened. The driver from Peoria handed over her license saying she believed, she believed to have been driving properly, but the deputy had suspicions of further wrongdoing. I love that.

You know, when you're a cop and you walk up to somebody, they're like, I wasn't doing a damn thing. You're like, okay, well, nevermind. Go on, go on about your night. I wasn't even going to ask you, but now that you're denying something, anytime you deny something that wasn't asked of you,

you're in trouble. Yeah. Right. Like if a cop approaches you because whatever, some disturbance, and the first thing out of your mouth is I didn't hit her. My kids, my kids do that my kids do that if i walk in on my daughter and she's just us and i'm like hey and she's like

nothing i'm like nothing what do you mean nothing so something i just said hey well going back to this her eyelids were dripping partially invading her pupils i have never heard someone be drunk and described that way her eyelids were invading her. That's a quote the deputy wrote in the police report. Somebody somebody's writing a book on the side. Yeah, he's he's got the next Flannery O'Connor. Look at me. Yeah, and you know they're telling his sergeants like Rick. I'm not going to tell you again and you don't need the flourishes in your report. Okay. The wind did not come sweeping across your hood as you careened into the. No. Yeah.

It just was. It was 65 degrees. Darkness did not creep over this town like a stalking coyote. Wouldn't it be great though if that was a cop's report? Oh my God. If cop's reports were just so beautifully written that you're just like, God, this is lyrical. It was the best of crimes. It was the worst

of crimes. Excellent, Dan. Nicely done. She seemed to be relaxed as her radio was loud and she was dancing in her seat. That's seat dancing. I detected the odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from inside the vehicle. She said

she had consumed two shots of liquor while working at Lux show girls. That's L U X, X, X. And if I had thought I had, I would have gone on Yelp to see some reviews for Lux.

Yeah. Lux show girls, a gentleman's club on Farmington road in West Peoria. She did not specify her job at the club. Although I will say this article wrote, she did not dishwasher. Dan, she's a dishwasher coat check. What difference does it make? Who cares? That's a weird thing. You care.

She works at Lux. That's all you need to know. I completely agree. Whether or not she's a sex worker has nothing to do with her ability to let her eyelids invade her pupils. Thank you. She agreed to exit her car and take field sobriety tests, but she twice interrupted the process. Quote, she wanted to dance and sing a song that she could hear on the loud radio from her car. She even apologized saying, I just really love this song. They do not say what song it is, but if it's anything by Seals and Crofts, I endorse it wholeheartedly I have the Lux Showgirls Facebook page Get out of here

Stop Let's take a look Dan if she comes from a showgirl place It could be anything in the white snake Canon It could be Luxury adult entertainment Performers from all over,

from all over the country. Yeah. So I'm going to be honest. It's sophisticated. What show girls? It's not what I, it's not what I thought it would be like. This seems to be like a burlesque club.

Yes. You know, this is like, this probably truly is a gentleman's club. You know, I see true gentlemen come to this place. So now here is the club doing, and this is a post that they, okay. So they said they now have, which I think is really being creative.

I got to give it to Lux. Drive through where you can pull up and watch from a TV. So you're driving. Why not just do that? Why not just go on the internet? But still, you could get in your car and go drive.

I love this. Isn't this? Now this is fantastic that you guys, it's like a fractal of dumb. It starts off, you know, classic dumb,

just a dumb drunk thing. Right. And you have zoomed into like what's got to be the height of dumb right now is that people are driving to a tv screen yep that's how they do that's it i agree during a pandemic yeah during you don't know how the

shit's spreading they're why they're huffing yeah in their cars watching the tv screen the breath drifting through the wind. The spray. Oh my God. The spray that goes out there. But the other thing is the fact, I can't believe they wouldn't put what song it was in this article. He was so focused on details, the guy who wrote up the report. But he wouldn't tell you what song. Alright, so song

is playing, she's dancing, she's got the music in it. She had two shots, which means I bet it's Hagar Van Halen. Okay, so she had two shots, which Duncan, that means she had what? Seven? Eight? Seven, eight, a mescaline probably. Somebody found a jar of ludes

out in the... Two means eight. Let's just get to that. Eight shots. Probably some cocaine. Half a Xanax. Half a Xans. For sure. There you go.

She says she kept apologizing, saying, I really love this song, which I love courtesy. I'm sorry, but I love this song. Meaning that she has no control over what's happening. The song has control over her. The I'm sorry means I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. Right. The flubbing. Wow. The flubbing.

Wow. While flubbing portion. Maybe it's some. Go ahead. Maybe it's like HP Lovecraft's thing, you know, like this trumpets of Cthulhu or something, which is why the officer is writing like that. Her eyelids invading her pupils and the darkness from inside her something ancient that has always been here

the sound of trumpets and flutes maddening from her camaros radio from her i-rock t-top yeah i got two shots of adrenochrome well while she was flubbing portions of the heel-to-toe test, she said she had, quote, been distracted by the good music on the car radio. So she's blaming that, according to the report, which did not note the names of any of the distracting songs. Why do you put that?

You don't include the song. Include the song. After the deputy turned off the radio, he asked if she would take a breath test. She agreed and blew an alcohol concentration level of what percent? How high? Six, six, six. Mark of the beast.

So if you're familiar with blood alcohol, and we've become very familiar with it, 0.08 is legally drunk, okay? 0.1 is pretty bad. 0.2 is really bad.. Point three is you're just pouring vodka on the breathalyzers. So if .08 is

legally drunk, what do you think she's at? Oh, I'm going to say I don't know. One? Very close to one. Point one. I'm going to say she Okay. One. One. Okay.

We'll go 0.1. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say she's at a 0.18. 0.18. I think she's at a 0.23. 0.23. This is the best price is right. It's so good. I love this.

We should. It's so great. I know. It's fun to guess. Okay. She agreed and blew. And we've got a couple more things after this. We're not out yet. She agreed and blew a blood alcohol

concentration percentage of .204. Oh, he's up there. He's up there. And the crazy thing about it is, you know, a lot of times when people blow whatever they blow on their breathalyzer is pretty much equal

to their grade point average as when they were seniors in high school. That's not too bad. So the more drunk you are, the smarter you are. Well, 2.0 is good. Point two is terrible. Point two is awful. After the deputy then handcuffed the woman

and led her back to the back of a squad car, she asked if she would be fed at the Peoria County Jail. Such a weird question. She also asked, well, I don't know, if you're that drunk, I'm ready for any food. Mop up, as Matt Bronger said, soak up the night there. Yep. She also asked if her incarceration put her at risk

for a particular sexual act, but the deputy advised her that she could post bond. So he didn't even say no. He just said, you can post bond, man didn't even say no he just said you can post so she offered she offered sexuality she wanted to know if she was going to be a victim of a particular sex i think she just wanted to know if anybody was going to have sex with her if she got put in jail yeah during the transport to jail she asked the deputy to take her through a fast food drive-thru she can i stop you for just one moment yes she was hungry she She's hungry. Yes. That means she's super hungry because the order of concern there was not, am I going to be assaulted?

Right. It's, is there food? Yes. And then is someone going to sexually attack me? That's her order. That person is ravenous. They're not paying enough at Lux. No.

They aren't. And they're not offering snacks in the green room. They're not letting them go to the buffet. That's just the problem. So as I was saying, during the transport to jail, as Duncan correctly pointed out, she then asked the officer to take her through a fast food drive-thru. This is all she wants is to eat.

Starving. Starving. Look, you got me. I danced to music. I messed up the heel-toe test. Can we now eat? And you know she's saying, like, can I get my last meal? You're not going to the chair.

Yeah. The deputy who found that request, quote unquote, odd, drove, how many has he never dealt with a drunk person that wants to eat? Drove straight to the jail. At the jail, while the arresting deputy filled out paperwork near the woman, she said, now he is looking down, writing, filling out paperwork. He hears her say, quote, I'm not taking these out. filling out paperwork, he hears her say, quote, I'm not taking these out. As the deputy recounted, I quote, I looked up from the paper and she had pulled down her top, exposing her breast and pointing towards her nipple rings. Yep.

I turned my head away and yelled at her to put her breast back in her shirt. Yep. And I advised her that she cannot expose herself like that inside the facility. At which point she asked if they could go outside the facility so she could do it there. I'm joking. I made that less fun. She said he told her you got to put your tit away and then she it says she apologized and complied, which I also a shameful tit exposure. Sorry, sorry, sorry, I'm sorry. You know what? The music got to me earlier. That's my bad. That one's on me. That's not on you guys.

That one's on me. She later admitted that she had drunk. How many shots did you guys get? She said eight. Duncan, how many shots do you think she had? She admits it. She said two, but what do you think that actually means? Jesus. I don't know what that... It's not just shots.

I mean, it's... Who knows? It's bottles. Who knows? It's bottles. Who knows? It's bottles. But you said a number earlier. Do you remember what it was? Did you say nine earlier? Nine or something.

I went low. I shouldn't have. I don't know why. I kind of trusted her. I didn't hear the whole story. So you say seven. I say eight. And Duncan says nine.

Okay. All right. Guys, I just have to say this. This is where I'm stuck. All of this is dumb beyond dumb, but I just keep thinking like this club, Lux, in Peoria. Yeah. Because they have like a TV outside of their place and haven't figured out that their dancers could just as easily dance from home. That's right.

And stream that to the tv outside the place that's right they're like written and then inside the satanic club where there are no no people except the dancers getting hammered in front of a webcam yep that's projecting outside the club yep they're putting everyone at risk. Everyone. This is the wet market. This is Wuhan. This is the thing.

We've got to stop this shit. Lux, their slogan is putting people at risk since 1997. This is like long before. That's what they were founded on. Right. We base this club on putting people at risk. Are you ready for how many shots she had? Yes.

She later admitted that she had drunk four shots of liquor at home before going to Lux, where she then had two double shots of liquor for a total of eight. Eight. That was you, Randall. That was me. Wow. According to the report, when asked if she felt intoxicated,

she said yes. She was then cited for DUI and disregarding the stop sign. She was released from jail after posting a $100 bond. There you go. Story number one down in the books. When we come back, Duncan Trussell has a brand new

animated show on Netflix that looks amazing. We're going to talk to him about it. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We got Duncan Trestle with us. First of all, he's got a great podcast. You're still doing that, correct, sir?

Duncan Trestle Family Hour. Duncan Trestle Family Hour, yep. So good, so smart, so interesting. Literally brings up everything you want to be talking about and in the deepest, most thoughtful way. It's fantastic. Thank you. Subscribe to that. And funny. And funny.

All that stuff. And then talk to us a little bit about how this Netflix show came together because we saw the trailer and we're It's you combined with one of the creators of Adventure Time, which if you're an Adventure Time fan. Pendleton. Yes. So freaking good. That show, that show was just, I mean, it was one of those shows that like kids watched and adults watched and you're just like, there's something for everyone in it. But I watched the trailer for your show. First of all, tell people what it is, how they can see it, and then just explain about it because it is fascinating and beautiful. Well, thank you. What happened is I

got an email in the early days of my podcast from Pendleton saying he liked the podcast. And that was, you know, in those days I was like blown away that anyone was listening at all because that was before the big podcast boom or whatever you want to call it. Yeah. So I couldn't believe it that the guy who made Adventure Time was listening to it. And then Pendleton and I, we hung out a few times.

He came and did the podcast with Jesse Moynihan, who was the background artist on the show. And at some point after that, he left Adventure Time. And then he emailed me and said, I've got an idea about maybe a way to animate your podcast. And my heart just jumped in my chest. I was so excited. We went and had coffee. And then at the end of the coffee, he just he just said you know man i'm just really

busy i don't i'm sorry i don't i don't see how we're gonna be able to do it i tried to act like i just wasn't shattered i'm like oh what's good yeah your voice gets higher your voice keeps getting like do i pay for the coffee on this thing too? But, but then like a year later after that, he called me and he said, let's do that idea. And then, um, and it was, you know, the idea was real simple at that time, which was just, he realized that if you take podcast dialogue and put it to like the way he put it is like put podcast dialogue to indiana jones so this action is happening while people are having these like spiritual heady sometimes didactic conversations it's it's funny it's just it's naturally funny and also kind of poignant

if you make the uh situation that these conversations are happening in the apocalypse. And so that's, that's kind of when we started working on it, we realized, well, let's make this a show about a guy, a guy named Clancy who has a multiverse simulator that he's not taking care of. So all the universes inside of it are going through various apocalypses or apoco. I don't know what the plural of apocalypse is. Apocalypse.

Yeah, I think technically you can't have more than one. Apocalypses. Apocalypses because they're like ellipses. Ellipses. Apocalypse. I don't know. I should know that by now. Yeah, because usually you only need one apocalypse. One apocalypse

kind of takes care of everything. Yeah, you usually don't have more than one. But if you have a multiverse simulator, universe simulator, you're screwed. Infinite. Yeah. Infinite apocalypse. And so, yeah, it was the best, man. We had a writer's room for two weeks, like a writer's summit is what they called it. And Weird Al came in for a week and helped us the best he's

man that that he is the best and uh emo phillips came in and we had uh maja da u who's this witch in echo park the white witch of the the witch of the dawn is what she calls herself jason lube who's this occult scholar and then comics and but basically for two weeks we just had everyone come up with all the ways that the world can end for two weeks we just came up with like so many different types of doom scenarios and then picked a few of those and those kind of became the episodes of the show that's how we got COVID-19. Yep. That's unbelievable. And now I'm telling you, this to me is the part that's like, that it was already sitting in a room with like Pendleton Ward and weird

out. I felt like that kind of vertigo, like this is a dream. Yeah, sure. You're just going to wake up. You, this is,

you know, the guy, brilliant penalty made adventure time. I grew up listening to weird al none of it made any sense anyway it was just too too amazing and then to also now see now the world is going through a mini apocalypse when a show about the apocalypse this is the only time it could be released this is the only time it could be released i it's so weird man and and and and and like poignant and kind of awful you know it's like on one level i'm like oh my god this is

amazing then you remember fuck people are dying losing their jobs i mean you should spin it you should spin it that netflix is just that good at marketing it's very good they actually caused an apocalypse just so they could release your show. That's just incredible guerrilla marketing. I'm terrified. I smoke enough weed that I have thought things like, did they have an AI over there? That is so powerful.

It's like telling them, oh yeah, we're going to have a pandemic coming up. So do some shows about the apocalypse. I don't know, but to me it's come on it's a little too on the nose no it's it's amazing and your story right now and then we'll jump into another story and i can't when does it premiere by the way and the name of it april 20th april 20th and it's called it's called the midnight gospel the midnight gospel clancy so so this comes out on Tuesday.

This one will drop on Tuesday the 14th, I believe. So then the following Monday. Following Monday, I want everyone to watch this show and go on to Netflix, give it five stars. First of all, you guys will love it. It is so deep and interesting and cool and do whatever you need to do to get yourself in the mood to watch it.

I'm assuming this is a great show to watch while completely zooted out. But even still, if you're completely fine and you're completely sober. Two shots. Two shots. Quote, unquote. Two puffs. But I will just say your story, the way you just described it, is what I would tell everyone, which is be who you are,

believe in what you're doing, and organically people will come to it. Like this guy, Pendleton came to your show because he found it because you were just doing what you believed in and what you thought was great that so many people came to. I mean, your podcast is extraordinarily popular because you speak the truth and because you are really interesting. And so this guy came to it and yeah, it didn't work out. Okay. It just didn't work out at the exact time that it happened, but you never know you cause you, so you're, you keep doing what you're doing. You keep getting better at it. And then a year later he's like, let's try this thing. And the next thing you know, you have an animated series coming out on Netflix, which is for many people, it's the gold standard. So I'm just so

proud of you. And I'm so psyched for you, buddy. Thanks. Well, I got to say this real quick, both of you, man, I was working at the comedy store and I was, I was nervous to talk to either of you on the phone. Y'all are crushing it at the comedy store. It would be, it was like, you know what I mean? So like, it's just surreal that I get to be talking about my show now with both of you. Cause you're just so damn funny. And man, it was, it's like, even this is like kind of weird to me.

Cause I, I don't know if you, I don't know if you remember. Sure. You guys were calling me bots and I got to talk to you. I get like nervous. No, we loved it.

We were just, it actually made us love that aspect of it and getting to know sort of younger comics as we were there in 99, the early two thousands and moving up. Mid-2000s. It was the best. For us, it was like a chance for us to stay connected with younger comics coming up and look where we are right now. So let's jump into another story. You ready?

Yes. Here we go. Sent it by Jake Groney. I'm going to read you the headline. Thanks, Jake. He's two for two on this episode. He's doing great. Woman sues Chuck E. Cheese

after alleging... You can stop right there. Woman sues Chuck E. Cheese. Yeah, this is pre stay-at-home order. Now, do you have to read it in like... Because you know how everything is elevated when you go to court. The woman is like, so and so, so and so against Charles

E. Cheese. Woman sues Chuck E. Cheese after alleging that her hair got stuck in a ticket machine. Okay, so I've been to many a birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese. They serve beer at Chuck E. Cheese. Oh, yeah, by the pitcher. Wow. So the ticket, the way they do it there, which is what they do is they, you get on certain games

and then it spits out like a bunch of tickets, but then you can't just come up to their counter where you redeem them and just turn in a giant pile of tickets. They make you go to these other ticket machines and you plug in your tickets and then it prints out a thing that says like 847. And then you take that sheet all in an effort to try and make things easier on the people at the front.

So you can get a Frisbee. So you can take, so you get a Frisbee that you'll never use. Not even a Frisbee. It's like, I took like 1,300 tickets up to the front. And I was like, what can we get with 1,300 tickets? And they're like, you can buy this replica ticket. That's all you can buy for 1,300 tickets. Are you? Same ticket. It's like you can buy this replica ticket that's all you can buy for 1300 are you same ticket it's like you get one well it's it's like that so it goes right into blow

holes man yeah chuck e cheese it's been proven that 90 of plastic they find in dead marine animal carcasses comes from chuck e cheese that. That's proven. That's a fact. That's scientific fact. That is science. No, it's crazy in there. And they have a weird animatronic Chuck E. Cheese. Oh, I know. And what's crazy, and my kids,

my son was at a birthday party where my daughter, so my son's 11, my daughter's six. So she's just there, happy to be there. My son pointed out that there's an animatronic giant Chuck E. Cheese thing. And then for the party, another, an actual guy in the mascot suit comes out. And my son was like, who's the real one? Because this guy is.

And then I'm like, are we in like a conspiracy theory moment right now? This feels like an episode of. Duncan Trestle Family Hour. Because you're like, wait, who is the guy? Who is the real Chuck E. Cheese? I was going to say Westworld. It's Westworld. What the fuck? Who is the real Chuck E. Cheese? I was going to say Westworld. It's Westworld. What the fuck?

It is Westworld. Your kid is brilliant. That's like bending my mind. That's brilliant. I thought it was going to... Holy shit. It's like a Zen koan. Who is the real Chuck E. Cheese?

Charles E. Cheese. Okay. Charles Edward Cheese. And what does the E stand for? I don't know. Entertainment. A woman is a woman is suing a family entertainment center. That's what they

did the most official way to call Chuck E. Cheese. A woman is suing a family entertainment center after she alleges that her hair got stuck in a machine at the at the location in Southeast Portland. Keeping it strange up there. Keeping it weird. Eshrina Scott is suing CEC Entertainment.

So that's the official parent company of Chuck E. Cheese. Also known as Chuck E. Cheese Family Fund Center. For $1,000. I can't believe Trump defunded the CEC. I can't believe he defunded. At this time. That's how we ended up here. That's how her hair got stuck. The team that was supposed to be there. you guys don't understand the amount of diseases the CEC kept out.

She alleges that the business was negligent. In addition to the money, Scott has asked for a jury trial. That's a little much. Well, at this day and age, you probably would find 12 people to be like, yeah, get him. Get Chuck. Get his ass. Scott has asked for a jury trial and that Chuck E. Cheese put an adequate warning sign next to the ticket counting machine. If your hair gets stuck in a ticket, that's got to be on.

You're not paying attention. Dan pointed this out a couple months ago, or maybe it was like several months ago. Like, there are no more accidents anymore. I don't know if you realize this either. Like, if something happens, people are like, it's their company's fault. Right, right. If someone trips on the ground and, well, that

route was up under the cement, and they didn't tell me, and now you got to pay me for that. If you fall into the Grand, if you, it used to be, if you fell into the grand if you used to be if you fell into the grand canyon you were you that's on you you made a mistake standing at the edge there's no yeah accidentally get to the edge of the grand canyon now it's like let's bankrupt this right donkey company yeah well uh nearly i love a good donkey company neither scott nor her attorney could immediately be reached for comment that is not the way to handle when you're suing someone. You want

to comment. According to the lawsuit, Scott was at the at the Chuck E. Cheese on Southeast 92nd Avenue in Portland, Oregon Southeast Powell Boulevard on December 8th when she got her hair caught in the machine where players feed paper tickets, which can be redeemed for prizes.

Wow, Jason was right. The lawsuit states that she was stuck with her hair in the machine for how many minutes before a Chuck E. Cheese employee was able to free her. You are our guest, Duncan. Do you want to go first, second, or third? First, second, third.

Let me go third. I'm sorry. I don't mean to be rude. I'm just Googling other historical events on December 8th. You guys go ahead. Don't worry about it. You go ahead. I'm going Googling other historical events on December 8th. You guys go ahead. Don't worry about it. I'm going to say she was in there for 36 minutes because when you want a Chuck and Cheese employee, you can't find them.

They're not there very much. They're not there that often. I'm going to say she was in there for 27 minutes. 27 minutes. All right. Wow. Look, man, I feel like I'm going to bomb on this one, too. I'm going to say an hour and a half. Hour and a half. She ate her pizza and drank her beer at the machine.

Yes. Yes. With her hair. With her hair stuck in it. Right. And pulled in. Okay. Ready?

She was. Where was I? Okay. She lost her state. She was stuck until was I? Okay. The lawsuit states she was stuck until a Chuck E. Cheese employee was able to free her. It caused her injuries, discomfort, and headaches

because she was stuck in the machine for 20 minutes. 20 minutes? That was fast. That's a long 20 minutes. That's a long... I mean, is it the scene from 16 Candles where there's like a drunk person behind her with the scissors cutting through her hair,

taking it out? Yep. Court documents say that before filing the lawsuit, Scott issued Chuck E. Cheese's insurance company written demand to pay the negligence claim, but the insurance company refused to settle. I'll be honest. This is a frivolous lawsuit, but a thousand dollars does seem like an, an ask that you would have gotten paid from your hair got stuck in the machine and you're asking a large national company for a grand they'd be like just pay her yeah just pay her a grand we're done with this they're like nope yeah yeah but they said no we'll go to jury you want to take chuck you want to take chuck what if they said we won't give you a thousand dollars but we'll give you a thousand tickets she probably would have taken it i know they're like great she's

like what does that get me uh that gets your hair caught in the machine again. That's an endless loop. Yeah, I don't know, man. This is, well, I'll be, okay, how about this? Sam Kinison was born on this day. Famous comedian Sam Kinison. And you know where Sam's from? Peoria, Illinois.

Is he really? He's from downstate Illinois. Yeah, which is where the first story happened. Oh my God, we're drawing connections here, you guys. Wow. I'm pretty sure he's from Peoria, yeah. Yeah. Which is where the first story happened. Oh my God. We're drawing connections here. You guys. Wow. From Peoria. Yeah.

Yeah. Guess who else? Ann Coulter. Oh my God. Talk about a buzzkill. See, now we're getting it. Now we're figuring out this is a curse day. This is a curse day.

You knew hair would get caught. This is some Westworld shit. We're in the maze now, boys. Yep. Yeah. We're deep in the maze, But you know, I gotta say, this situation, as you're describing it,

I was thinking it pulled her scalp off or something. She's having convenience. Just a little hair pull. The fact that she said she had headaches from it, I mean, I can understand it maybe hurting your head that day, but headaches seems like this is it's not like

like the machine gave you agent orange while you go to dave and buster and let me tell you something it's not like the machine reaches out and gets you you have to plug stuff into it i know well we'll get out of here in this a chucky cheese manager at the southeast 92nd location wouldn't comment on the suit but they did say that the ticket machines do currently have signs in front of them warning people that their hair could get caught, which means it's happened enough. So that's on her. Yeah, but also if it's happening enough, you got to put a sign up, get a new machine.

I agree with that. Yeah. Every time I see a sign, I'm like, whatever you see a sign warning you for anything, it's because it happened enough for someone to realize it was a problem, talk to other people about it, make the sign, and put the sign up. What's the tipping point? I think you got to put a little plastic thing over where you insert the things. That way nothing can go in.

A little shield. A little shield that doesn't allow hair to go underneath it. A little plastic over shield. It could be they use the hair. The hair could be used to patch up the Chuck E. Cheese outfits. They build the costume out of human hair that gets stuck in the machine.

We built this Chuck E. Cheese on people's hair. Inside the Chuck E. Cheese could be some clone. They could be taking the hair and cloning people. Throwing them in vats. Okay, so this is something we used to say in our standup,

which I'm so dying to hear your thought about this. Remember like when we cloned a sheep, Dolly the sheep from a cell from another sheep, okay? We cloned the sheep successfully and that sheep lived. And then you didn't hear about cloning ever again. We haven't heard about it at all. That tells me that like they've cloned full nations of people and they all live underneath the Denver

airport. And they're crisis actors. And that's who they use for crisis actors and school shooting victims. No, I'm not saying that. No, this is one of my favorite conspiracy theories. It's weird. Conspiracy theories have seasons you know we're

like suddenly without one will become popular but they remember i can't remember the sportscaster's name but all of a sudden he just stopped moving like he froze up and looked like a robot for a second remember that everybody was saying that's a clone oh my god that's in the clone like the signal got this yeah he shorted Yeah, he shorted out. Do you remember? You know what I'm talking about, right? I wish I could remember who it was. Jay's going to look it up. That's going to do it for story number two.

Story number two. Can you give us a little taste of what we're going to see in the final segment? Teacher of the Year, maybe? Teacher of the Year. Duncan Trussell's with us. He's got a brand new show on Netflix that's going to premiere next week. It's an animated show. It just sounds amazing. You and Pendleton from Adventure Time.

The trailer is unreal. The Midnight Gospel. It's just fantastic. We'll come back with one quick story right after this, so stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Duncan Pupil Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Duncan Trestle is our guest.

We've been wanting him on the show for a long time. And now that we're doing this virtual one, the next time when we can all gather together, we'll have you back on the show again. I hope so, man. That would be real nice. And I want to tell everybody to be checking out your guys' daily podcast. We do have like 19 different names for it,

but why don't you just call it your daily Sklarbro fix. It's the Daily Sklarbro Country, the Virus Edition, a.k.a. the Pandy Pods, a.k.a. the Basement Takes, a.k.a. Two Guys, One Couch. And Dan Van Kirk has a daily one as well. A nightly one. A nightly one called the Good Night

Show. It's a good night show. Listen to us during the day, listen to Dan at night. And we just launched a YouTube channel where we're putting all of our clips. It's called Sklarbro Country. We want to get tons of people to sign up for it. Please, if you're listening to this show, go over to YouTube.com slash Sklarbro Country. It'll have the full episodes of

the virus edition, because we only put clips up on our thing, but the full episodes on video will be there. We're going to have cheap seats clips up there. When we are able to reconvene again, we're going to put new clips of cheap seats on there. When we are able to reconvene again, we're going to put new clips of Cheap Seats on there. So anyone who's a fan of this show and anyone who's a fan of what we do,

it's free to subscribe. We just want to get those subscriberships up. Go to youtube.com and look up Scalabro Country. Nice. All right, let's jump into the last story. Sent in by, and there was a vacuum created for people to send me stories. That's the first person I think who's ever done this.

Sent in by Jake Groney, at Jake Groney. He got all three today. Good for him, man. Thanks, Jake. It's a Groney, Groney, Groney. Really appreciate you out there, man, sending me so many stories during this time. I know that everybody has a lot to worry about. And to be able to give us more content as we put this out for everybody, I really appreciate it.

All right. Here we go. Ready? Yep. Should I just read you the headline? Yes. C-N-Y, which is the schooling in New York, here we go. Ready? Yep. Should I just read you the headline? Yes. CNY, which is the, that's schooling in New York, right? Yes.

I thought it was Crossview, Stills, and Nash, but that's right. CNY, teaching assistant, pays student to punch classmate. Wow. Yeah. Oh my gosh. So we're at an age now where adults can't hit kids anymore. But there are times where I would say, like, if one of your kids was being a dick

and you could get the other one to hurt them for you, you'd be like, I'm going to give you 20 bucks. There's 20 bucks. Just go kick them in the nuts. Police arrested, this is a short, quick story. Police arrested a teaching assistant for allegedly paying one student to punch another. On Friday, deputies arrested Lisa Hutchinson.

A woman! I did not think this was a woman. I did not by the way. Good that this is a woman of Whitesboro who is teaching assistant at New Hartford B. O. C. E. S. I don't even know what that means. Police found that Hutchinson made a deal with a student to punch another student for her. She allegedly paid the first student. How much money do you guys think Lisa Hutchinson, what's the going rate to get someone to punch another kid? Duncan, what do you think?

I'm not good at 10 bucks. I don't know, man. That actually feels pretty good. I was going to say 1,000 Chuck E. Cheese tickets, but I could be wrong. That's 5 bucks. I think she did it for 20 bucks. A 20 would do it. 50 bucks, punch this kid, and we'll never speak of this again.

Okay, I will tell you right now that one of you is exactly right. So we get to play another game called who do you think is right? Duncan, you can go for a second or third. My confidence has been shattered. So who do you think is right? Do you think it's me or Jay? Fucking I'm right. You're right. Okay, good.

I love it for you. I think I'm right. I think I'm right. I see 50 and it's clear to me. Lisa Hutchinson allegedly paid the student $50. Yes. Sorry, Duncan. Jay's so good at this. You ready for the best part of this story?

Yep. The student received the money from her, but did not hit the other student. Oh, that's so much better. Doesn't that give you a little bit of faith in humanity? Like, all right, I'm going to take it and then I'll tell on you and you'll get arrested. Did she Venmo it?

So it has been charged with two counts of endangering the welfare of a child. She was released on an appearance ticket from Chuck E. Cheese and will be arraigned at the new Hartford Town Court at a later date. We will close out this episode by me asking you guys, how old do you think

Lisa Hutchinson is? At what age does a teacher's assistant have had enough with one student that they pay $50 for another kid to take care of it? Because you know this woman's waking up in the middle of the night from dreams of strangling this kid. I gotta

handle this on the schoolyard, but use my sort of delegate or surrogate to take care of it. And I can't wait for that kid, both of those kids, I can't wait for their college entrance essay. When they're like, the time I almost got hit or how I made money from my teacher. So how old do you think she is?

She's a pretty dumb teacher because you don't pay someone until the job is done or you put half up about 25 when it's complete. Or rip the bill in half. That's right. So how old do you think she is? God, I don't know, man.

I love it. We've turned you around here. I feel I'm just a mess. I don't know, like 26. 26 years old. By the way, this is the way I feel after watching the trailer for The Midnight Gospel. I don't even know what's up. I don't know what's down.

But I'm into it. I'm like, what multiverse are we in that's apocalyptic? Duncan, just from watching that trailer, I felt my third eye start to open up. Oh, hell yes. Good. Well, that's in there. We did that on purpose. That's some MKUltra technology we wove into the show.

You woke it up. Wait, Who did the music for the trailer? That music during the trailer is unreal. Joe Wong, who did the music for Russia's Doll, did the music for our show. And I don't know who did that trailer. That was just Netflix. Yeah, that's their department. I love that song, though.

Me too. Okay. All right. So 26 from Duncan. Randy or Jason? Jay. Duncan's on the right track because teacher's assistants tend to be younger. And I think this is kind of like young, dumb, you know, like this is the solution. I think she's like 23. Yeah, I'm going to go even younger.

I say 22. She's right out of school. This is a rookie mistake. She's not going to make it again. She say 22. She's right out of school. Okay. This is a rookie mistake. She's not going to make it again. She's going to learn the hard way. Okay. Let's find out which one of you is closest, and we will get out of here on this,

because Lisa Hutchinson. Or, and before you say this, she could be someone who's come to teaching late, and one of those people that just can't handle certain things. Or she's like old school to the point of like, this is how we used to do it. I think she's, I'm going to change my thing from 22 to 56. 56 years old.

Okay. So the teacher's way younger than her. She's way out of control. She's out of her depth. Her husband is like, just go do something. Become a teacher's assistant. She is, and now she's in way overhead. She's paying kids to beat other kids.

50 bucks is a lot of money. She probably took it from maybe someone else. All right. Lisa Hutchinson is 41 years old. Duncan would have won because he was 15 years away, but Randy changed his answers

which put him 14 years away. I said 56. No, you didn't. away. I said 56. No, they tied. I thought you said 55. But I was right in thinking 41 years old, Duncan. Isn't that great? You got to be real out of, you got to really feel like you're out

of options to pay one kid to punch another kid. 41. You're in the wrong profession. Thank you, Duncan Trestle, for doing this. I want all of our fans out there, if you want to. I cannot wait to watch your show on Netflix. The Midnight Gospel, it comes out on the 20th of April. Everybody check it out.

You will love it. I mean, you will thank us. And I want everyone to tweet at us and at Duncan Trestle and just thank us for telling them about the show because I'm just so excited to see it. It's just going to be mind blowing. Y'all are the best. I really appreciate that, man. Thank you so much for signal boosting the show and for letting me hang.

It's so nice to see you in real life, but even in quarantine, pandemic times, hopefully we all get to hang out in person soon. I really want to. All right. We are out and everybody take care of yourselves. Be nice to each other. Be kind to each other. Stay distance. Even though we,

we've all socially stay, stay distance, but stay connected. Stay. Yes. Stay distance, but stay connected. That's a huge thing.

And oh shit, we're going to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Punk it down. It's Dumb People Town.