Dumb People Town - Dwayne Perkins - Pineapple or Giant Pair of Pants

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

This week Dwayne Perkins comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. This week's story is about an adorable mistake.

Skypains, out of here. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Perkins. Dwayne Perkins, our old friend, our good friend. It's good to see you, buddy. And I'm so happy you're on this podcast with us. Oh, thank you, man. It's really, really good to be here. You guys do a

great job. Thank you. And we need to shed more light on dumb people. Don't we? Thank you. I feel like you do that a lot in your stand-up. I love the stand-up, especially you did that wound up on Stars. I feel like you do that a lot in your stand-up. I love the stand-up, especially you did that wound up on Starz. I feel like it was almost like you were teaching a lecture. You were, like, lecturing on, and a lot of it is, like, I can't believe this happens.

Right. And it's breaking down the inconsistencies of the dumb behavior. I mean, the great thing about shedding a light on dumb behavior is dumb people will then look directly into that light yes they almost welcome it exactly you know what's weird is uh you know how they say people say like uh it's not a great saying but people say like uh you know fat is temporary but ugly is forever that kind of thing yes and i'm paraphrasing of course but uh dumb works that way too because there was a show in in England where they would get people drunk. And they would record them and then let them watch it when they were sober.

And people would be like, oh, my God, I said that. I did that. I said that. I did that. Yes. But dumb people aren't going to be not dumb tomorrow. That's right. You don't sober up from being dumb.

You don't. No, dumb wasn't built in a day. And dumb wasn't built in a day and dumb wasn't built in a day dan we gotta make that a t-shirt here's the deal we get uh great stories sent to us by our fans dan does tweet at daniel van kirk uh hashtag dumb people town and then he knows what order these stories came in because a lot of times people will tweet the same story over and over again and we want to give it to the first one that came through right so let's jump into the story right now you ready yes i'm sitting by jj osh or j josh j josh uh mount at j mount m-o-u-a-t and i appreciate it a four-year-old spongebob squarepants fan got carried away while using his mother's

Amazon account. Why? I don't have kids, but when you guys would give your phone to your kids when they were much younger, there's safeguards against all this stuff, right? I'm not blaming the parent because you never know what kids can figure out how to get into.

Wouldn't it be a nightmare of yours when you gave them your phone that like yes your amazon account is set up after a long day of parenting all right there's a minute where you're just like i don't care where the comedy store and check my avails yes the kid is take my phone please give me five minutes i just want to watch the beginning of the clippers game just please leave me alone let me just do what i do and then all of a sudden you you're like, 20 minutes later, you're like, wow, it's really quiet wherever that phone went. That's a bad sign. Really quiet wherever that phone went.

I'm not hearing beeps. I'm not hearing boop, boop, bop, boop, bop. I'm not hearing noises. No one's talking to anyone. They're ordering stuff on Amazon. And you're like, oh, shit, you just ordered a lot of Amazon stuff. And that's the good thing about communism. It's sort of like the government says,

these sites are off. And you don't have to worry about it. You get this. You don't get any more than this. They're helping you help them. That is the good thing about communism. Your kids can't sabotage your Amazon account. Because like Amazon or any place you order stuff,

they say, do you want to keep this card on file? But I imagine if you're a parent, you always say, no, I do not want to keep any card on file. But it's easier for you that way. It's just what I run the risk later on. What I hear is we're going to be returning a lot of stuff. Yeah, right. Here we go. Yeah.

Guess what I'm doing when all this stuff comes from sending it back. CBS New York reported that the Brooklyn boy named Noah ordered an insane amount of non-refundable SpongeBob SquarePants popsicles on Amazon. Wow. How did the kid know to make it?

I'm going to show you guys a picture of this kid, and you'll see how much he loves SpongeBob SquarePants. And it is, he's almost too cute. Like, it's like hard to get. Dan, I'm going to tell you right now, earlier that day at the SpongeBob SquarePants popsicle factory, the foreman was like, we're going to have to make some earlier that day at the Spongebob Squarepants Popsicle Factory, the foreman was like, we're going to have to make some tough decisions we have to make some cuts

something crazy happens we're not making our sales you guys are doing your job, you're making the pops we're just not moving Leland, Brian, you know I love you but unless we get some insane windfall today I've been watching Silicon Valley, that's like every other show is that Leland, Brian, you know I love you but unless we get some insane windfall today

I've been watching Silicon Valley that's like every other show is that it's at the end it's ruined, nothing's going to work and then they get some sort of whatever they do to solve that thing creates a problem that they didn't know they were now going to have

you guys ready to take a look at Noah? here's Noah I love, I want to take a look at this kid. Here's Noah. I love him! Give it to him! I mean, glasses. Boy, you put up glasses on a four-year-old kid and I'm like, he's going to do anything. He can do anything. He is adorable.

He is adorable. This is a good story already because he's a black kid, which I didn't see coming. And, you know, if he did not get a beating, then I'm really happy with this story. I'm really happy with this story, too. He's, you know, this kid,

well, I don't think he's Adrian Peterson's son, but, I mean, he's not going to get beaten. So this kid is just, you're right, Dan, this kid is going to get away with a lot. It's like that old Dave Foley sketch from kids in the hall. It was like, people say you can't get very far on a good smile. You can get pretty far. And he's a surgeon and he has no idea what he's doing.

That's it. This kid is super cute. Also, by the way, this might be the cutest he is in his whole life. Like he might be, which is when you want to make these kinds of mistakes. You want by the way, this might be the cutest he is in his whole life. Like, he might be. Which is when you want to make these kind of mistakes. You want to make mistakes like his. Cuteness. At the height of the cuteness. I mean, he could just grow up to look like a normal guy.

Right. But right now. Right now. Right. Get away with murder. Right. Okay. So.

Like his smile. His smile is better than the popsicle smile. On Monday, a friend, enter Katie Schloss, set up a go fund me to help noah's mom cover the cost oh my god whoa he did keep the plant he did keep the plant running schloss a new york university student and social work intern said the go fund me page that not said on the go fund me page that noah's non-refundable Popsicle order from Amazon was for how many Popsicles? By the way, if this story gains traction,

and I am Amazon, or I am SpongeBob SquarePants, which is a multi-million dollar thing, you say to yourself, what's the bill? I'm going to pay for it, and we're going to make this a PR story for us. Exactly.

This is good PR for us. Look at how cute this kid is. We're going to make this a PR story for us. Exactly. This is good PR for us. Look at how cute this kid is. We're going to make a commercial with him. How much do you love popsicles? You went into Mommy's account and did a lot of bad things, didn't you? Yeah! That's it. How many popsicles do you think he ordered?

Do we – how many boxes? No. Actual, straight up number of popsicles. Dwayne, you are a guest. You can go first. You can go last. Whatever you want. What's the unit?

Are you buying them per popsicle? Per popsicle. I don't know. So I don't know the amount of boxes. I imagine if I had to guess

there's either four or six in a box because eight feels like too ergonomical. Four feels normal because looking at the popsicle it's a big thick popsicle. These are the popsicles. My kids get the popsicle. They're a size. It's a big, thick popsicle. So these are the popsicles.

My kids get this popsicle from like the trucks that work out in parks that have like popsicles. So this is a loved one. Alright, so how many do you think he ordered? Okay, well it's got to be enough that it put his parents in financial peril, right? That's right. And he's got a Mickey Mouse shirt on. So they already had a

they have a little bit of money to throw around if they can buy a Mickey Mouse shirt. That's what I'm looking at. Because those Mickey Mouse shirts are a minimum $27. And that's not a fake Mickey Mouse. It didn't have like one ear down. If you bought that at the park, that's a $43 shirt. That's not from a swap meet. I could tell.

They don't have that design. That's not Mikey Mouse. Yeah, it's not Mackie Mouse. It's not Mitchell Mouse. That's not Mickey not Mackie Mouse. It's not Mitchell Mouse. It's not Mickey Mice. I'm going to say 12,000. 12,000 popsicles. How many popsicles?

12,000 popsicles. That's pretty good. Man, I'm going to say, because you said it's an insane amount. I think so. I'm going to say he bought 25,000. Okay. I think he bought 15,000. Okay. I think he bought $15,000. Okay.

The amount of popsicles that are non-refundable, we will find out right after this break. On the other side, Ray! Ray! Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to the show. We got Dwayne Per back to the show. We got Dwayne Perkins on the show. He's got a killer podcast. Ran, you did it. I did his podcast. It's Conspiracy Theories. First of all, when I hear Conspiracy Theories, my first thing is like, oh my God, this is like not true.

It's Q&A. I get very upset about that stuff. But I had the most fun breaking down babe ruth calling his shot and what happens is like you provide the guest with a bunch of information that you're going to go over and i get to do my research on it and then i get to formulate what i is your funniest opinion of what actually happened because the conspiracy is that at wrigley field he did not call it correct was he it was like was he pointing at the Cubs dugout? Right.

Was he pointing at the crowd who was kind of getting on him? Where do you fall on it? So you have to listen. I'm not going to say. You have to listen to the podcast that I did. And then what we do is each, my co-host, Jennifer Field and Koji Sakai, and then our guest, in this case, Randy, we all come up with our theory. And then we kind, in this case, Randy, we all come up with our theory and then we kind of workshop it and we take the bits and pieces from the ones we like and form a new theory of what really maybe happened. Yes.

It's so much fun. It's really collaborative and great. like I was able to contribute a lot to that specific podcast. Cause I injected as much knowledge as I could about the situation about, you know, the, you know, how long the Cubs had to wait to win a world series. Dan, I don't know if you know how long the Cubs had.

It was a long time. A really long time. A hundred and eight years. A hundred and eight years. Dan is a Cubs fan. Are you a Chicago guy? Yes. Yeah.

So this happened in 32, 1932, but it was just super fun. And I love the podcast. So please tell them the name of it and how people can get to it. Yes, it's called The Unofficial Official Story. And each week we grab a different sort of conspiracy theory or we talk about different monsters, whatever it is that is out there, we we break it down the main thing is to explore it not to give it credence or to like shoot it down but just to explore it and then sort of come up with our own theory

because that's the fun about conspiracy theories they can't be unproven right so you just have a good time the official unofficial story yes official unofficial story so good and uh are you getting out and you're gonna do stand up as it sort of starts to clear up? I'm sorry, say that again. It's the unofficial official story. The unofficial official story. There you go. Let me get that right. I may have said it wrong.

I have a theory about the name. Just kidding. So are you going to get out and do stand-up on the road a little bit as it starts to open up? I am a bit. I actually went to Seattle

like maybe a week ago, two weeks ago. I was in Utah the weekend before that. So it's opening up. I'm really excited about it. People can see your dates at DwaynePerkins.com? Yes, they can see my dates

at DwaynePerkins.com. Love it. Sometimes my local LA stuff pops up kind of quick. So it's better if they follow me at Instagram, Dwayne Perkins, because sometimes I don't have time to put it on my calendar, but I'll

post or tweet or Instagram about it. Same. Same. Daniel's about to embark upon an amazing tour. 38 cities now. Probably go up to 50 starting in August in Chicago and ending November 19th in

Rochelle, Illinois. See, I listen. I pay attention. DanielVanKirk.com. You can get those tickets, and he is just a joy to see live. We've got some dates, too. We're going to be at Moon Tower County Festival in September, September 23rd through the 25th. Then we're going to be in Ann Arbor, Michigan,

at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase, October 22nd, 23rd. At the club that we did a benefit for to save and hopefully keep alive long enough so that we could come back through the pandemic. So we were a part of that. That's a very special club for us. If you live in that area, those shows are always incredible. Super fun. And then we'll be in D.C. in the beginning of February at the Comedy Loft,

which is a great club there. All things, you can go to supersclars.com. We'll post up our dates there. And then we got a Patreon, Sclar Brothers. Follow us there. Five bucks a month. It's super fun.

All right. So when we left, we had a boy who ordered an insane amount. He's really cute, guys. It was an insane amount. Little Noah from Brooklyn ordered an insane amount

of SpongeBob SquarePants. Oh my God. I didn't catch that he was from Brooklyn. Brooklyn. Brooklyn. So you know the parents are pampered. I feel like I came in way under. He's a Brooklyn kid. Anyway that he was from Brooklyn. Brooklyn. So you know the parents are pampered.

I feel like I came in way under. He's a Brooklyn kid. Anyway, go ahead. You said 12,000, right? I said 15,000. Jay said 20,000. 25,000. 25,000.

Wow. The amount of popsicles that he ordered, we still have more of this story to go, is 918 popsicles. Still a lot. That's a lot. You guys really whipped each other up. Yeah, I know. we still have more of this story to go, is 918 popsicles. Still alive! That's a lot. You guys really whipped each other up.

Yeah, I know. That is still insane. That's an insane number. Nearly 1,000 popsicles? Here's what I love. Which he had sent to his auntie's house. He knew. Yeah, he knew.

I can't have these sent to my mom. Four-year-old knew, this shit can't come to my house. I gotta send it out. I gotta send it to another house. What's crazy about that is most four-year-olds don't even know their own address, let alone

their auntie's address. I wonder if it was already preset from a previous order that she might have had sent there. I'm just saying. Mom, can I set up a P.O. box? Why? Why do you need that? Sloss wrote, that's the friend who set up the

GoFoMe, wrote that despite this being an adorable story jennifer bryant noah's mom simply cannot afford this right yeah bryant a mother of three who studies social work at nyu didn't know how she was going to pay this off in addition to student loans and all of her other family expenses how about the popsicle place chill out and just give her a break. Yeah. As a Popsicle place, chill out. Would you guys like to take a guess? How expensive it was?

How much it was to order 918? Oh, I have an idea. What do you think? Sponge Bob Popsicles. Well, I mean, me personally, I think there should be $3 a Popsicle, but I'm thinking it's more like $5. Okay. Less $5 or $6.

With the shipping? I mean, you are buying in bulk. That's true. A lot of bulk. So if it's $5, then it would be $4,500. So I'll go with, I feel like I'm on Price is Right, $4,544. $4,544. That's a good guess, Jay. What do you think? $3,600. $3,600.. $4,544. That's a good guess, Jay.

What do you think? $3,600. $3,600. That's a lot of money. I think $4,900. $4,900. Yeah, yep. Okay.

The total bill for 918 popsicles with shipping. With shipping. You probably got free shipping. Nope. You're spending that much money. I mean, did he order it prime? What's this kid doing? Did it all come in one box?

Or did it come in like seven boxes? No, it had to be like 12 boxes. $2,618.85. Wow, Jay, you were closest. I was close. It's just a ridiculous amount of money that you do not want to spend. But as of midday Thursday. How much did the GoFundMe raise?

The GoFundMe page showed that donors had contributed a total of how much money? Come on, world. Come on, world. This is where you love it. Do this woman right. Do this woman right. Can you set GoFundMe at any amount, right? You set it at the amount, but it can keep going until it expires.

It can just keep going. You can reach your goal, and then people can still get it. So how many people said, Jennifer Bryant, we're going to cover the cost of Noah's? If they did, or maybe even exceeded it, how much money do you think the GoFundMe raised as of midday Thursday when they wrote this back on May 6th? And how much do you think his older brothers beat the crap out of him because of this?

These kids got popsicles for life. They got popsicles for life. Or at least a few days. At least until they get sick of them. Right. I'm going to say they raised six grand. Yeah. It's like bar mitzvah money.

I'm going to say like nine grand. Okay. I'm going to say 45. What did you say? 45, 44. 45, 44. I'm going with Dwayne's number. Jay, what was your guess?

Mine was nine grand. And Dwayne had six. Six? As of midday Thursday, the GoFundMe page showed that donors had contributed a total of $5,811. Oh, no! Got within $200, which is well beyond the goal

needed to pay off Noah's Popsicle debt. But again, I ask you this. If you hear about this story, and you have to have PR people at the SpongeBob SquarePants headquarters, which is probably just a giant pair of pants that is a building. It's a pineapple.

It's a pineapple or it's a giant pair of pants. And you go in through the zipper, right? You walk in the front zipper and you go in there. If you see this, you have so much money, you buy these things. And you spent spend five i mean whatever it would have been twenty six hundred dollars say say can we shoot a video of us coming to your house and giving you the money for this thing and just say absolutely our chance to say this woman would be like oh my god thank you that would be so great we want to send out the void and you know if i if I'm them, I'm like, you know what?

You're a single mom. I don't know if she's a single mom. I don't know. But you're a mother of three. You're going to school. Guess what SpongeBob SquarePants is going to do for you? We're going to pay for your semester of school. Like 20 grand.

40 grand. People spend hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars on positive PR and positive press. This would be the story better than this, right? Absolutely. And, and they've already gotten way beyond that and free advertising. That's right.

Because I didn't, I didn't know you could buy, uh, you know, SpongeBob popsicles. You can't know. Apparently you can get 918 if you want to wait. Grateful Jennifer Bryant.

We'll get out of here on this. A grateful Jennifer Bryant wrote on the gofundme page thank you so much for your mind-blowing generosity bryant noted that the surplus donations quote will go towards noah's education and additional supports for her son who she said uh has autism spectrum disorder okay so you can't get mad at the kid. No. But you have to do a better job of locking that Amazon thing down because just log out every time. Just log out every time and

really don't give him the password. That's it. Don't give him the password. There you go. That's it. Unreal. So all I'm saying is it could have been easy, got tough. If you got kids, you know how tough that is. And then it got good again

for her. But then how long before he's like, I'm sick of these popsicles? Like six in. I don't know. Dude, six or seven. Six is the,

that's right at the over 100 numbers. Last question before we wrap this up. You run out to the ice cream truck. Whether you can give this as the answer when you were nine or now. Or now. What You run out to the ice cream truck. Whether you can give this as the answer when you were nine or now, what is your order?

Okay, so what do you get from the ice cream truck? The ice cream truck is coming through Dwayne Perkins' neighborhood. What are you jonesing for? Well, I'm going to say it's a tie, right? Either just a regular cone, but like a swirl with two or three different, like a chocolate vanilla kind of situation. Or I remember growing up I feel like there was one popsicle

that had gum on it. So you could eat the ice cream and then have some gum at the end. Yes, those still exist. I love it. That was like the ultimate transitioning dessert. I loved the fudge cones. But you know what?

I think I would probably go for just a classic push-up. Push-ups are great too. Push-ups are nice. Push-ups are good. You get that orange. Yes. Orange is so good.

Such a good flavor. Jay, what was yours? I'd go with a drumstick. Choco taco? Drumstick. Drumsticks are great, man. That's a great call. Because you're getting the sugar cone

and that's its own treat on its own. I would just eat a cone and then you get the vanilla ice cream and then you got nuts and chocolate on top. Jumbo Neapolitan ice cream sandwich. Oh, so good. I was thinking either ice cream sandwich or just a simple fudgesicle,

which is so good. Fudgesicles were just super great. But I got to be honest with you, if it's really hot out, and again, my mouth is water. We up in st louis missouri because you guys love a treat yes a treat or a snack two oh dwayne these two a snack or a treat that's why we're fat that's why we're not fat at all so so i we have to battle so but i think a bomb pop in the summertime is like it's that refreshing thing and it's all the colors. And to me that was like, okay, I'm refreshed now.

It's more patriotic than being mad at Colin Kaepernick for kneeling. That's right. Yeah, it is great. And if you get the no napkin thing and it just goes down your arm and it feels, you're going to get that. You're going to get that. You're going to get to hold it to the side. It's a race against time. Am I going to eat this whole piece or is. And then we have to hold it to the side and it's a race against time.

Am I going to eat this whole piece or is it going to fall? Am I going to flip it? It's a race against time. There's somebody right now screaming at us for the double chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich. Oh, that one's a good one, too. Oh, chipwich. Chipwich. I love it. All right. We are in the heat of summer. I hope you guys go out and enjoy the old ice cream

man or woman when she comes home. Yeah, support your local ice cream shop person because they need it. And that's it. Dwayne Perkins, thanks so much. Again, the unofficial official story podcast, which I did. Start with mine where I did Babe Ruth. It was super fun. And then work your way back through those.

Absolutely. We love seeing you on this podcast. Thanks so much, Dwayne. Thank you, guys. Oh, shit. We got to get back to work boom dum dum dum dum

dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum stick around make a sound

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