Dumb People Town - Eddie Ifft - Pork Chop Slippers

Episode Date: August 16, 2019

After winning a meat raffle, a drunken prank involving pork chops ruins a fellow bar goers career.

Star Pains, I know. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population ift. Eddie ift. to another episode of dumb people town population population if you can eddie if you cannot spell the word if without part of the word riff riff i don't know uh this is one of our favorite people in the world of comedy and every time we see him it is the extra f and his last name is for funny that is yeah the extra f is not necessary too it not necessary. Some guy told me that like a year ago. He goes, hey, you know, you don't need that second F. And I went.

Like you were thinking you needed it. Well, I went, oh, I've wasted a lot of time. Signing things? That's a backup F in case the first F goes out. One of those Fs is silent, you asshole. Yeah. Thank you. If it was just IFT, it's the exact same name.

It is, but like, hey, you don't need that extra. I don't understand. Suggest that you put it in there just because you thought you needed it. I didn't put it in. Somebody in Ellis Island put it in. Exactly. Well, dude, I'm so happy you're here. I want to jump right in.

We'll talk about stuff that you got going on, but I know you are uniquely designed to understand this because a lot of times you make fun of yourself for doing stupid things. It is one of the things I love about you is that you have an awareness of the dumb shit that you actually do. And have done. Yeah, it's all I have.

It's all you've got. It's all you got. It's all I have. It's a brand at this point. Yeah. Well, but we think that the world is getting dumber. You've been dumb for a long time, It's all you got. It's all I have. It's a brand at this point. Well, but we think that the world is getting dumber. You've been dumb for a long time, but we think the world is getting dumber.

They're matching me. They're catching up. Right? Is it catching up to you? I started a trend. You did. He's a pioneer. Dan Van Kirk. Hi, buddy.

What's up, man? So we got Eddie Yift here. I'm sure that someone has sent a great story for us to just dig in with. We got one sent in by Starla Mint at It's Just Starla down in St. Louis, Missouri. I love her. She's great. She came out, I think, last time we were out there together. Yeah.

She came out on my tour. I love it. She's awesome. By the way, a lot of people in St. Louis said that they were looking forward to going and seeing you when they saw us. Oh, well, that was nice of them. I hope they all made it to the show i'm sure uh pub patron this is the headline pub patron wins 61 000 after prank falls flat wins in a court case i wouldn't call it a prank if you had to be sued over what happened yeah well prank is, prank is like something you've pulled pranks on your friends.

Yeah, I used to love pranks. Yeah. What's the craziest prank? How do you end a prank war? Someone just gives up? I used to do a lot to Artie Fuqua. You know Artie? Yeah.

How is he? He's great. He's worth a lot of money now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The accident with the face of Margaret. Yeah.

He's- Is he physically okay? Yeah, he's fine. I mean, arty was never mentally okay no so so now he's so now he's fun to fuck with yeah he uh one time i did a show and he was late and he i was supposed to close and he was supposed to go on before me but he was late he called he goes just going first so when i was was on, I said, when Artie shows up, like 10 minutes into his act, everybody leave. Just everybody. You got the audience in on it?

The entire audience walked out of his show. That is such a great, and he had no clue why. He had no idea, but like a table came in late and didn't know. So they sat down

and he tried to talk them into coming up front to like finish the show they they all finished that's how much that's how much a narcissist comedian he's like i had we're like even if the whole crowd leaves i gotta finish where were you are you backstage i am laughing so hard and then i keep going outside and seeing the audience and they're outside they're like i love you guys that's i love that you did that's a great i also one time at stand-up new york told the audience he was on his way i said when he performs do not laugh no matter what just stare at me and he had a meltdown and then i had him on my podcast and

we talked about all these things and then at the end of the podcast, I had the guy that records say that he didn't record the podcast. So I've done this to him like over and over and over. So he could have sued you for $60,000. No, no, no. But we highlight these to say that this is something you do to your friend who you love for fun. I'm guessing this was more this was a little more. Let's get into this. A drunken prank involving

which is all I mean. Cannot be good. It's never well thought out. Dan would you consider the two guys in Chicago racing on a sidewalk and then one guy runs into a post. A prank? It's not really a prank but it is drunken. Par for the course. It is not a prank. That was a contest.

You guys know what's going on at Wrigley right now? What? They're called cup snakes. Have you heard of this? No. Everybody in these sections, it's only in the bleachers. They hide their cups down by their feet, and they stack them up together until they literally get like 100 or 200 together.

And then somebody holds them up in the air, and then everybody starts yelling cup snake. And then if it gets big enough, the cup that's on the very end, they'll pour beer in, and then they'll let it bend over and start pouring it into people's mouth. And the cups, when you stack them up, are like maybe a quarter of an inch, and these things get like 20 feet long, which is what, 300 cups? This is great. Oh, my God.

By the way, the cups are good. Right. This is something you would do in the 70s. The Bleacher Bums used to do a deal where they'd have somebody start in the left field and right field foul poles, get on the wall, and then race each other to the center.

Which is where they put the basket up so people would stop falling onto the field. That's why the basket's lower than the wall. That's hilarious. I did not know that. The ushers in security, it's a whole thing. You don't get kicked out because it's the bleachers. They just walk up and take the cup snake from you, and then everybody tongue-in-cheek boos,

and then they wait until someone builds another one. That's right, man. And the cups, it's out of control. There's shirts there that say the Chicago Cups. Please tell me you were talking about this on stage. I haven't talked about this at all. You absolutely should. It's unreal.

It is brilliant. Barstool Chicago has been retweeting these things, so then they got a cease and desist letter from the Cubs saying, if you keep this up, we will no longer have any future relationship with you. They have no relationship with them at all. And then the Cubs went as if you keep this up, we will no longer have any future relationship with you. They have no relationship with them at all. And then the Cubs went as far to be like, we have talked to other MLB teams, and they also think they wrote, this is BS, one of whom are the Cardinals. Now, I love you guys, but why would any Cubs fan care if the Cardinals organization is

anti what they're doing? Dan, you know what's going to happen. They're going to build a giant Cubs snake, and they're going to pour beer into a seven-year-old's mouth. That's it. That will happen. It will get caught on a giant cup snake, and they're going to pour beer into a seven-year-old's mouth. That's it. That will happen. It will get caught on camera, and then that'll be the end of the game. At the time we're recording this, the Cubs are playing in San Francisco.

They built a 35-foot-long cup snake in San Francisco last night, and the ushers there thought it was awesome. They're cool with cup snakes in San Francisco. What were you going to say? My favorite is that they wrote this letter, and they're like, by the way, Cardinals don't like this either. Exactly. You guys need to, Cardinals don't like this either. Exactly. You guys need to, hey.

It gets one level better. So this Barstool Chicago place, they then got contacted by a commenter on their website and their message boards. And he's like, hey, I work for the Cubs. I'm a security guy. I can tell you how they feel about us. So they brought the guy in and did gangland style,

like covered his face in masks so he can't feel. But the Cubs, there's only a few people who work there, so they fired the guy the very next day. And the handle that he goes by is Ligma Ballsack. So then in the email, the Cubs are like, you guys are really going to side with somebody named Ligma Ballsack.

And then the people were like, you're the Cubs and you just wrote an email using the words Ligma Ballsack. So then in this bleacher bands people will hold up cupsnakes and then people start yelling ligma ballsack wait this might have to be instead of the story like almost the end of it that's the end of it let's let's hear it just set it up and then we'll take a little break and then we'll uh sorry to derail that is so amazing i've been holding this in and no one knows outside of the bleachers that this is even happening. But they act like it's the biggest deal.

It is, though. Okay, well, let's get into this. Cup snakes. A drunken prank involving pork chops almost cost Russ Leukock a grilling worth thousands of dollars in court yesterday. Almost cost him? Yes. After winning a meat raffle at his local hotel... Dan's won a meat raffle.

I love a good meat raffle. Have you ever entered a meat raffle? No, but I'm in Australia a lot, and they always have a meat raffle. When you have sex with a woman for the first time, do you just tell her she won the meat raffle? Yeah. Depends on how confident you are.

Or if you have sex with a guy. Yeah, he won the meat raffle. Yeah. Or you won his meat raffle. He won a meat raffle, Trey, at his local hotel on November 3rd, 1997, and with at least 15 schooners warming his

belly, Mr. Leucock strapped pork chops to his feet when he was told he'd be barred from buying more beer because he wasn't wearing shoes. So they were like, hey, you're out. We gotta kick you out. Why? You don't have shoes. So they were like, hey, you're out. We got to kick you out. Why? You don't have shoes on. I do now.

I do now. And then he tied pork chops that he had just won in a meat raffle to his own feet and wore them as shoes. Okay. By the way, that and tying a pork chop to your feet is far more difficult than tying your shoes. Yeah, I don't know what he tied with. Maybe some bacon.

That's what I was wondering as well. I want him to tie with bacon. This is how... Shoe laces. If you told me this is how John Krakauer got down Everest once people were dying up there and into thin air, he just strapped on two poor chops and slid down the... Right past

Beckweather's face down in the snow. Slid down the kumbu ice. What a reference. You want me to drop a Yasuka Namba on you if I have to? On the South Coast? How about a Sandy Hill Pittman? She's got this guy carrying the bat.

She's got this guy my next door neighbor. What? Yeah. Sandy Hill Pittman's your next door neighbor? Was, was. We're very good friends.

Oh my God. Well, Sandy Hill now. Oh, she got divorced? Yeah. Used to work for MTV. Bob Pittman owned MTV. Well, here's my other question to you.

I'm sure she got a lot of positive feedback after that book came out. Oh yeah, people loved her. Yeah, yeah owned MTV. Well, here's my other question to you. I'm sure she got a lot of positive feedback after that book came out. Oh, yeah, people loved her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She had one of her Sherpas carry a fax machine up to the top of the list. So he puts on pork chop shoes.

Then he proceeds to walk around the bar. Let's call them what they are, pork chop slippers. Fair enough. Slides. Pork chop slides. Mules. Then he proceeds to walk around the bar.

That is when the meat's greasy residue caused Troy Michael Boron to slip and fall. So a guy walking behind him who doesn't realize that he's in the pathway of a guy who just walked. You're in a pork chop wake. I love how you guys are calling this guy dumb. And I'm like, this guy's a genius. Wait, Dan just called it a pork chop wake. Which, by the way, is what it's called when the guy dies, and you have an open cast at viewer. Because if that guy were to die, you definitely-

Slip and fall and die, you'd have a pork chop wake. Pork chops on his feet. I'm thinking if you send him down the wheelchair ramp, this guy's got a really fun ride. So, wait, guys, this is not the guy with pork chops on his feet who slipped and fell. No, the guy who walked behind him. The guy who waited in his pork chop wake. Yeah, Troy Michael Boron. Yeah.

Who you know says his name twice every time he introduces himself. What's your name, Troy? Troy Michael Boron. Boron. You moron. It caused him, I'm going to read this full sentence. He's like a bully and a moron. I'm going to read this full sentence. I feel bad for the guy, but it has a cork to it

that you would only find in a Coen Brothers movie. Here's the full sentence. The meat's greasy residue caused Troy Michael Boron to slip and fall, breaking his left arm and destroying his career in upholstery. I feel for him.

That's his passion. That's his passion, I feel for him, but it's such a cute little left arm. I saw my entire upholstery career flash before my eyes when I fell down in that bar. Bethany Hamilton is still surfing on the world tour with one arm. I am sure

this guy can still upholster with one arm. Right. I think he's looking for a winning court. Listen, listen, listen. You hear what that is? That's the sound of one-armed upholstering. I hear you. God damn it.

Slip and fall, breaking his left arm. It's not like his arm is amputated. It didn't just end his career. It destroyed his career. That might be his scissor fingers, though. That's a great point. If you're not cutting, if you can't cut. The John Lee Inn in Sydney South and its licensee, Kelly Wells, were ordered to pay Troy Michael

Boron $61,515 in damages for failing to clean up the mess. Yeah, it's a slip and fall, man. Did you say, is this in Australia? Yeah. Yeah, I knew it. I knew it. This is dumb, drunken Australia. But this is like every night there.

Right, this is not a crazy. This has done a lot of stuff. Yeah, I practically live there. That's every night. It's a slippery slope, as they say, when you allow people to put this. If you are in Australia and you are at a bar, you look down first and check for pork chop grease. And just be like, are we clear? Are we clear?

There are so many things that'll kill you or ruin your upholstery career in Australia. That's not pork chop grease. Yeah. So the Janali Inn, they had to pay over $61,000 in damage For failing to clean up the mess By the way, is that what his upholstery career is worth? One that's been destroyed And do you have insurance that covers this?

Which New South Wales District Court Judge Anthony Puckeridge said posed a foreseeable risk to patrons Here's where Puckeridge is what your asshole does Maybe he upholstered with like His choice of leather was pig And this mentally affected him It destroyed his

Eddie it destroyed his upholstery career Mr I can't look at another pig leathered upholsterer Mr. Leukock That's our guy who put on the pork chop shoes Was also sued By Mr. Bolron But he got off scot free After the judge found he did not breach any duty of care to his mate of 15 years.

It's not his responsibility that the floor be clean. Right. So Mr. Boron did not get his second lawsuit against Lukak. Lukak and Boron. Lukak and Boron. It is the Australian Rizzoli and Isles. I'm just thinking these are some really fatty pork chops as well. Oh, yeah. A lot of grease. The Boron run, run, the Boron. This is the show I watched. It is the Australian Rizzoli and Isles. I'm just thinking these are some really fatty pork chops. Oh, yeah.

A lot of grease. The Boron, Ron, Ron, the Boron, Ron. This is why. Mr. Boron was playing in a pool competition when he fell. So a billiards competition. So he fell. This is what's really funny. He fell in a pool.

He went flying in the air and chalk. He dusted up some chalk. Yeah. It went LeBron style. He was playing in a pool competition when he fell at that time. He was aware that Mr. Leucock, the pork chop shoe man was walking near him,

but did not. But Boron did not complain to staff. So you had your chance. Right. Right. They said that Mr. Boron did not complain to staff. You had your chance. Right, right. They said that Mr. Boron joined in on the laughter and may even have joined in on the general pantomime that developed when pieces of pork chop disintegrated

and were thrown around the room. Wait, but how is it a pantomime? How is it a pantomime? All right, should we take a break before we hit the end? All right, let's take a break. And when we come back, we're going to hit the end of this thing with Eddie. If there's pork chops being flown around, this is Dumb People Town. Stay with us.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Guys, welcome back to the show. Eddie Ift, you're doing shows. How can people catch you? You're doing a charity, like, 68-mile run. Well, I'm attempting it, but I'm also, you know,

I plan on directing an Academy Award-winning film also. So I haven't. I don't know if this will ever get done. One of those two will happen. I said I'd do it. This is called Dumb Solo? Yeah, pretty. No, I got a group of guys coming with me.

Nice. So you're going to run 68 miles where? The backbone trail goes from the Palisades all the way to Point Magoo. And I, my God, I pretty much live up there in the middle of like in the Malibu mountains. And I run there all the time. And I was there when the fires happened and my whole neighborhood burned down. So this is to raise money for that? Yeah, for the firefighters.

What day are you doing it? November 22nd. How can people out there, because it's a great cause, how can people donate to you? Stand on the street and hand me a protein bar or something like that. Come on, but I want them to give to your cause. We haven't set it up yet, but we're doing it. I mean, we're in the midst of it. I'm just starting it.

If you follow Eddie, I've been training for it already. I'm sure you'll mention it on your Twitter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Follow me on Twitter or Instagram. I-F-F-T. Yeah, E-D-D-I-E. E-D-D-I-E. Not the Y.

Not the Y. And also come see you live. I know we have fans in Australia, too. You're there all the time. Yeah, I'm in Australia a lot. I don't go back for a while, but I'm all over the United States right now. I'm touring until the end of the year.

And is there a website they can see all those dates and stuff? Yep, eddieift.com. Great. All right, please go see him. This dude is so fun and funny. Daniel, any... And put the pork chops on your feet before you go.

If you're in LA on the 29th of August, I will be running my hour at UCB. Unless this has already happened on the 9th, or the 10th, rather, I'll be in Santa Cruz running my hour, or doing headlining there at the DNA Comedy Lab. And also we have a live Don't People Town at Largo on September 9th. And live Dumb People Town

at the Bell House in Brooklyn on October 13th. If you, I would get your tickets now. It is selling out. And if we do sell it out, we may do a second show. Ready? Yes. So, where we left was-

People were pantomiming- Lukak. Lukak and Boron. Lukak and Boron. Lukak, Porkchop, Shoe Lukak. Oh, Porkchop, Foot Lukak. And Boron, the upholstery man. They're flinging pork chops everywhere.

He was in on it. And pantomiming. Boron sounded like Boron the Terrible. Yeah. Well, he was in on it with Lukak, thinking it was hilarious, throwing pork chops around. That's some Bugs Bunny hubris right there. I'm thinking of the old Seinfeld bit. Yes, officer.

His name was Amal, and then the symbol for Boron. No, I'm sure it wasn't me. I had the periodic chart with me at the time. Wow. So Mr. Boron of Oyster Bay in Sydney South was ordered to pay for Lou Cox legal costs because he sued him and they were like, no, you did it with the guy. You want to blame the establishment for not

running a good business? Fine, but you can't blame your buddy that you joked around with that you got hurt. Disintegrating. How am I going to write the checks with my broken arm? Right. He refused to make he refused to make any comment. That's Boran on learning of his damages payout, which was considerably less than how much do you think he was seeking from the restaurant, for the bar, the hotel, whatever it was, to make up for his lost upholstery career. Okay, so he destroyed it.

All you can eat bacon for the rest of his life. What does that come out to, Boron? Is this translated into American dollars? It is. Oh, yeah. So it's Boron, He received $61,000. He did ask for much more. Right.

So what do you think he asked for? Eddie, you can go first. You can go in between us, which is the Tig Notaro slot, Tig, or you can go third. I'll take the Tig.

All right, Jay, go ahead. Start off. Half a million dollars. Half a million. I think he definitely... Oh, yeah, Eddie, yeah. Go ahead. I'm going to say $5 million.

This guy just... He asked for a lot. Yeah. I think like... Hmm. I think like $200, yeah. Go ahead. I'm going to say $5 million. This guy just... He asked for a lot. I think like $200,000. It's an upholstery career. I know. It's an entire career. It could have been an upholstery career. $200,000.

And what did you say? $5 million. $5 million. And Jason said $500,000. $500,000. The total amount that Mr. Bolron, the arm-broken man, was seeking. He's broken in other ways, too, let's be honest. Was. Get your answers

in now, Townie, because the total amount is $750,000. Wow! I was close. Eddie was right. He asked for a lot. He did. He wanted a lot. He's Bolron the upholsterer. Here's what I mean, he wanted a lot. He's Boron the Upholsterer.

Here's what I love. The court was told that the pub continued to serve pork chop Lou Cock, who said that he could remember virtually nothing from his pork chop antics. So once he tied meat shoes on, they were like, what do you want? You want another beer? You are currently going along with a little ass. Slide up here to the bar on some of that pork chop grace and let's get you a shot brother you look a little taller i wish it was a little bit taller i wish it was a baller the judicial system's a little strange in australia i i know a comedian there who was uh in a uh, it was his wedding. He's a famous comedian in Australia,

and he manslaughtered a man. What? Yeah, it's an old story, famous story in Australia, and I know the guy very well. He, a guy glassed him right in his stomach at his wedding night, his wedding night, because they were in a pub like this, you know, with pork chops and everything.

And this guy glasses him. Which just takes a piece of a bottle breaks a bottle and sticks it into his stomach yeah and uh he said he had a he was young he was like 18 years old at the time he pulled out a butterfly knife as you have when you're 18 i mean you're in australia too everyone's and he said he he blacked out and then he woke up in jail handcuffed. I'm sorry, in the hospital handcuffed, and he had found out that he had killed the guy. Isn't that self-defense, though? That's what I said, and then he said the judge said I didn't have to stab him 47 times. Well, that is true. It's a bit of a kangaroo court if you ask me.

Stop it, Jason. Stop it right now. if you ask me. Stop it, Jason. Stop it right now. Well, Leucock, this 31-year-old shop fitter,

has moved to Cleveland and said he had... Perfect. Perfect. That's their Florida. That's where you go. He said he had not

been put off of meat raffles, but, quote, I just won't wear it, just cook it. He also noted, and this is where we'll end this

wonderful story, that his friendship with Balran has been strained since the court case. We only hang out twice a month now. I love that they're just still hanging out. Look, you got more time now. You're not going to be upholstering. Remember that time when you ruined my upholstery career?

Destroyed it? With your meat shoes? With your goddamn pork shop shoes? Why do you stick to red meat instead of the other white meat? I know. With your goddamn pork chop shoes. Why do you stick to red meat instead of the other white meat? I know. That is the other white meat. And it's a killer. Do you hear that?

It's an upholstery career killer. It is. It's the other white meat. Eddie F., thank you for coming to Dumb People Town. And, oh, shit, we, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum,