Dumb People Town - Eddie Pepitone - All I Wanted Was Some Steak

Episode Date: March 29, 2022

This week Eddie Pepitone comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story seems to ring a bell. The second story is about getting trapped in a store and it escalating quickly. The final story is an all-out brawl.

Sky Beans and Mail. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Pepitone. Edward Q. Pepitone. How are you, buddy? Q. Anon Pepitone you. Population Pepitone. Edward Q. Pepitone. How are you, buddy? Q-Anon Pepitone. No, Eddie Pepitone. So you started QAnon, and now you're here.

Hey, I don't know if you guys, hello, everybody. I'm Eddie Pepitone. Hello. And it's great to be here. It is raining outside. And I just want to say that QAnon, they found out his identity. It is Pat Sajak. No.

Do people know this? No. Pat Sajak has been playing us all. Forever. With this whole little persona. I'd like to buy a consonant. Can it be a Q? Can it be a Q?

And that was it. He bought a consonant when he could have bought a vowel. Do you know that we went to see, this is one of our most embarrassing moments in our lives before we get into our first story. Only a few blocks away from here. Blocks away from where we're recording this. 16 years old. We were maybe 15 years old.

We're at the NBC studios where they used to do the Carson show. So we went to see Wheel of Fortune with our parents from St. Louis. We came out here. And after the show, Vanna White, Pat Sajak, too big to talk to the crowd, but Vanna came out to, and after the show, Vanna White, Pat Sajak, too big to talk to the crowd, but Vanna came out to talk to the crowd. Working on QAnon, I get it. And so Vanna White says, does anyone have any questions for me?

And our dad, who I will show you a video of our dad, and you will love him just in this video, raises his hand. First guy to raise his hand, Vanna so sweetly calls on my dad. He stands up and he says, my boys want to know your measurements. And we're like, oh no. Goodbye. And we walked out of the studio.

This was after the show? This was after the show. We walked out of the studio into the parking lot. We're like, we don't drive. But we just were out in the parking lot. You started smoking cigarettes at that't drive. I mean, we walk. But we just were out in the parking lot going. You started smoking cigarettes at that age. We walked up and slapped Chris Rock. Damn you. But it was our dad being silly.

It was our dad being silly. So anyway, the world's getting dumber. I know you subscribe to this. Oh, yeah. I listen to your comedy. By the way, Eddie Pepitone was fantastic on a shoot. He's a part of the Nosebleeds. He did a little thing that was unbelievable.

Oh, yeah. The UFC show. A sketch with Kerry Kinney and with Lorraine Newman. He's a part of the nosebleeds. He did a little thing that was unbelievable on that. A new UFC show. A sketch with Kerry Kinney and with Lorraine Newman. It's so much fun. So he participated in that. And you know, I don't know if you know, this is maybe a little inside baseball, but when after you record a scene or something, the sound

guy will just say, everybody be quiet. We need to get room tone. And so for a minute, everyone's silent. And no one says anything you're not allowed to move you're not allowed to do anything after that when eddie works we said we just need a minute we got to get pepitone you yelling what the fuck why the i'm sorry i'm sorry that would be much better than the room tone thing just all the things that you would say room tone is so fucking boring.

Whenever they do room tone on a set, I don't know about you, but I check out. Yes. You're supposed to. What the fuck is this? Thank you. Well, we're not going to check out of our stories. We're going to get into a story. So, Eddie, our awesome fans, this is how this podcast works.

They tweet at Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag dumb people done so he knows who sent it first. And let's get into one right now. You ready? Yes. Let's do it. Okay. This was sent in by Three Fourths Geek at Three Fourths Geek. That's the other fourth. Fourths is spelled out three.

They almost completed my Best Buy. I went to Best Buy and I called on the Three Fourths Geek squad and they put everything together except they were missing a little bit. By the way, when I go into the Apple store, I don't ask for the Genius Bar. I ask for the Morons. That's right. Like, is there a Moron Bar? And it's like...

Did you throw it? Have you tried throwing it? And there's never a line. There's never a line at the Moron Bar. Drop it in the toilet! Kick it. Drop it in the toilet! There's supposed to be a line. There's never a line at the Mar-a-Lago bar. Drop it. Never a line. Drop it in the toilet. Kick it. Yeah. Drop it in the toilet.

There's supposed to be a line. Put it in cooked rice. No. Cooked rice. Balsamic. Balsamic. It's got to be balsamic. Cooked rice?

Okay, here's the headline. No, it's here. Thieves steal large bell from rural Minnesota church. Don't get far with it. Yeah. That is the very long headline. What are you going to do with that? Well, first of all, I think there's a lot of prejudice against

Quasimodo and his relatives. Agreed. Are you with me on that? I have a hunch about it. Randy, you're going to get dinged for that one. Hit the bell! By the way, I will guarantee you, I will guarantee you,

and I don't know how many of your stories involve this, definitely drugs and alcohol. Involve. They tend to make their way in it. This feels like a bet. This feels like they've been eyeing the bell for a while and there was a bet.

They're mad at it. I bet you can't. They're mad at it. I bet someone it started with I bet you can't. You chiming at me? Yeah, you chiming at me? I bet you we can't get that bell. Rochelle has a big bell. A bell is a big part of Rochelle, Illinois. The Rochelle bell? Yeah, really.

Yeah, it was like they erected this bell at the north end of the high school football field in honor of three players who tragically died in a car accident. And so this was in the seventies. And so after every home football game, when we would run and ring the bell, and then it became a thing that all the other programs, like when they would get back from an away game or whatever, they would sprint to the football

field and ring the bell. And there was a time when we had, we got enough at a track meet, we got in a fight with two other towns because they were trying to ring the bell. And there was a time when we had, we got enough at a track meet. We got in a fight with two other towns. Cause they tried. We're trying to ring the bell after winning the track meet. As far as the efficacy of the bell. Sure. What was your record overall? That's how you judge.

Yeah. I've been God plus those bells. But it was also a thing in our town. Like as a kid, like 13, 14, 15, 16,

a prank would be to like sneak into the football field in the middle of the night because it's all residential. There's houses over there. And the bell is huge. And ring the bell and the cops would show up. Was it a rope you pulled down and then it's sweet? No, it's a hip-level bell and you just ring it back and forth. We're going to get this bell.

That's what this group of people probably said. Where is this again? Minnesota. A man and a woman have been charged said. Where is this again? Minnesota. All right. Get into it. A man and a woman have been charged with- Man and a woman? Yeah. Ah, this is a Bonnie and Clyde type thing.

I just watched- This is their meet cute. You remember Tim Roth and I forget the woman in one of Tarantino's Pulp Fiction. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Honey, baby. Baby, honey. Because there's all that. Honey, buddy.

Honey, buddy. I love you, honey, buddy. I love you, honey, buddy. I love you, too, honey, buddy. Stay with me, honey, honey bunny stay with me honey bunny we gotta get the bell baby that's the thing anybody tries to stop us from taking this bell

we'll shoot every last motherfucking one of you but now the relationship becomes a part of it like two women stealing the bell if they're not involved romantically it's like they're just Like two women stealing the bell if they're not involved romantically. It's like they're just partners. Two guys stealing the bell. But this has got to be...

These guys aren't friends. From what I know, she probably wanted the bell. And he's like, come on, this is ridiculous. He's like, I gotta... She's going to start sleeping around with Tupac. I'm sorry, I keep going back to the wrong thing here. A man and a woman have been charged with the theft of a large bell from a rural Minnesota church.

The theft was first reported on Thursday, whenever that was, with a 911 caller saying he had noticed a bell in a ditch near his home, which he recognized as the bell from the cemetery at the Old Swan Lake Catholic Church in Nicolette. Is that the bell from the church or is that just a random? Honey, honey. We're running late. I know that bell. It was a whole day long thing.

I know that bell. I know that bell. It can't be. No, it is. And then it became, are you telling me I don't know that bell? It became that. Right. Also, I don't know bells I see.

You're saying I see a bell and I don't know what bell it is. Did I say anything? The way you cook that ham and then it becomes another fight about another thing. Will you not stop playing ring my bell, sweetheart? It isn't funny anymore. It's not funny. Also, if you on site, out of context, can recognize a bell from a cemetery. That says a lot about.

From a church. From a church cemetery. I'm like, that's sad. That's too much time from a cemetery. That says a lot about- From a church. From a church cemetery. I'm like, that's sad. That's too much time in the cemetery. If you know a cemetery bell, out of context, anywhere else- If you put the Liberty Bell from Philadelphia, the cracked Liberty Bell out here, I'd be like- Out of context. I'd be like, is it?

If you threw it in a ditch, I'd be like, is that? I don't know. And how do you get it out? If the Liberty Bell's stolen, what is somebody going to put it in the overhead? Jet blue? That's right. I'm going to jam that in there. Police arriving at the scene noticed footprints in the snow leading away from where the bell is displayed to a neighboring parking lot.

Snow's going to get you. There was only one set of footprints, and that's when Jesus was carrying the bell. That's when he stole it. That's when Jesus was hearing the bell. That's when he stole it. That's where they found an abandoned Arctic cat snowmobile that had never been registered in Minnesota and was displaying a fraudulent registration sticker. So they are now knee-deep into so many other things.

So Minnesota, too. Put it on the snowcat. There's no registration for that snowmobile. We don't need to unless you're going to go steal a bell and then leave it. I just made some hot dish. Let's go inside and figure this whole thing out. Abandon it! Abandon it! The stew is ready!

Leave it. The bell itself was found almost two miles away sitting in a snowy ditch with a number of straps and ropes still tied to it and covered by a large plastic makeshift shed. So, not only did they want to steal a bell, they made a sled to do it.

Charges state that there were signs indicating it had been pulled along by a snowmobile. This is a heist. It is. I have been watching so much of Life Below Zero. You're still in this? There's 17 seasons of this freaking show. Life Below Zero. It follows like four different or five different people who live up in Alaska.

And they build their own sleds. They have mush dogs. They got to get a fish wheel that they got to get fish out of the Yukon River so they can... Is this an apocalyptic thing with you? It sounds like to me you're ready to live. I'm prepping for the end of time. Let me see what I can glean off of these people.

Jay watches the show Alone which they drop people in Alaska. We talk about a lot of them. So I watch this show. My favorite part of this show is as soon as things get really hard for them, I pull my covers up and grab a handful of popcorn. Because they don't have it. I'm not you. I'm so much smarter than you. You're there by choice.

Listen, you're there by choice. So I've seen people build their own sleds. I've watched it now so much. I couldn't do it myself, but I've now watched. So I kind of am understanding. They have snowmobiles. I'm surprised they didn't have mushing dogs that just try to pull this bell. What do you think?

You must think this bell is owed to you. Also, throw it in the ditch. Even Marty McFly put the DeLorean behind the billboard. No, no, no. I think what happened was, and this is my guess, that they were riding along and then the thing broke, whatever their system of pulling it broke, and it went off to the side and fell into the ditch.

Like they probably were taking a turn too far. Just like their relationship. Yeah, they took a turn too fast, eh? And it just went into the ditch. And then they were like, well, we got to just abandon this whole situation because this just turned terrible. Look, let's talk about what this really is. This is a status grab for these people.

They are nobody or their careers have taken a dive lately. Not gone the way they wanted it to go. They're not getting up at acne like they used to. They're not popular anymore in their AA group. You got to grab that belt. They're out of stories. They're out of AA stories. You got to grab that belt. Look're out of stories. You gotta grab that bell.

That's a bit. The guy struggling for another interesting AA story. One time I left my kid unattended by a pool because I was drinking. They're like, how old was the kid? 18. You're like, Tony.

Honey, we gotta do something. We're getting ridiculed in AA. We got to bottom out. We got to do some kind of bottom. We got to bottom out. We want to stay relevant in AA. We got to go deeper. Got to find a new bottom.

And then that becomes the thing that in AA, when people reach for stories, they're reaching for the bell. You got to go steal the bell at that point. In that town. Now, let me ask you this, Dan. Was that bell very, very well known? Because it must have been. This has to be like a...

The signature bell. It's like maybe on the crest of the town. So, figuring that the thieves would return for the bell, a deputy waited near the scene in an unmarked squad car with a vehicle carrying an empty trailer arriving a short time later. Right. So they were like, hey, I'm going to go get my Astro van. I'm going to come back down here and wait.

And then sure enough, here comes a truck later on with a trailer. And don't you wonder, too, when they pulled back up to re-steal this belt, weren't they probably like, what's that car doing in the middle of nowhere in a ditch? They were so stupid. It's like Fargo. Nothing. Who cares? Fargo. Wow cares? Fargo.

Wow. You know what it reminds me of? I just rewatched the movie A Simple Plan. Oh, yeah. Great movie. And this is like a very benign simple plan. Yes. It's because A Simple Plan, it was a great movie.

Literally, you can talk yourself into the plan by saying, well, this is going to happen, and this is going to happen, and this is going to happen. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What if this doesn't happen? Then you're screwed. Right. So, like, we're going to get the bell. We'll put it on a sled.

We'll drive it over here. It's going to be fine. You don't know. Once you get more than one person involved in your plan, you don't know how they're going to turn out. Well, that's my whole thing of every Coen Brothers movie, which is perfect for Minnesota. This could be a Coen Brothers movie.

This is a Coen Brothers movie. There's always a part in every Coen Brothers movie where somebody says to someone else, that's not what we agreed to. Oh, yeah. Where they're like, the plan. The plan, and then somebody else being like, well, now we're doing this. Yeah, but that's not

what we agreed to. And you have to have that. That's why I love those movies. So when she or he was like, we gotta go back and be like, no. We didn't agree. Did people die around this bell or that hasn't come out yet? Because I'm thinking... No, not that, Dan. So literal.

I know, right? In this whole heist thing? No, I don't think anyone died. That we know of. Right. So far. The vehicle was registered to Tanya Marsh of St. Peter, and the deputy eventually activated his emergency lights to stop the vehicle. There was a male passenger identified as Travis Carlson.

So Tanya and Travis. Travis Carlson is everyone we went to high school with. Travis Carlson? Played soccer, had a mullet, smoked. I'm like, how are you smoking and playing soccer? That just feels like it doesn't work. He exited the vehicle and immediately became uncooperative, that's in quotes, as the deputy asked him questions.

I got a question for you. No, no, no. I'm doing jumping jacks. But wouldn't you, in that moment, if someone came up to you and said, oh, I just saw this on the side of the road. Yeah, I would be like, we were driving by here earlier and we were going to return this. I recognize this bell.

We're in the same boat as you guys. Do you guys want to get the rest of the police? As soon as you see the cops, if you're there, your plan should include this. Thank God you're here. We go to pick up the bell. If no one's around, we just take it and continue with the plan. If someone else is around, we say, hey, a little help.

We're going to return this to the thing. If a cop is around, you say, hey, we noticed this on the side of the road. We went and got our truck. We're going to do you a favor. Why don't you give us a police escort back to the thing we found? Hey, here's where I think your analysis is wrong. First of all, your DNA is on the bell. And I'm sure the Minnesota cops dusted it for fingerprints.

Dust the bell. It's fucking huge. You want me to dust the bell? Dust the whole bell. Inside and out. The ringer, too. Inside and out. The ringer, too.

I've got fingerprints and semen. Did you bang the bell? Did you bang the bell? Did you bang the bell? The deputy noted there were several pieces of rope, toe straps, and oversized tools that could be used to assist with stealing a large church bell. You know, stealing church bell tools.

Google stealing church bell tools. When initially questioned, Martian Carlson, that's our Tanya and Travis, and the new Rizzoli and Isson, that's our Tanya and Travis, and the new Rizzoli and Isles, said they were there to go for a walk through the woods. That's the best they got, Jay. Everything you said, they were like, what if somebody

sees us? We're going for a walk with a trailer and church bell tools. And the snow in the middle of nowhere. I'm going to guess meth and bourbon for this couple. Another deputy in that order. A deputy arrived after confirming the tow ropes in the trailer were similar to that found on the bell. Carlson was arrested. The ropes are coming from inside the trailer.

While searching, Travis Carlson, keys to the abandoned Arctic Cat. Remember that from earlier? That snowmobile. Those were found. Now you know why he wasn't cooperative. A later search of the trailer turned up a broken piece of metal which matched that of a piece broken off the bell. By the way, how great was that when the detective found the piece

and then took it over and put it in? It fits perfectly. Check it, mate. And also here, I want to say this as an aside. Why the cops completely solve this, but they can't solve a murder. Because every fucking forensic file, whatever show I watch, these people, they get off for 20 years before, if they're caught. But the bell thing, bang.

We got it. We got it, Bob. I'm going to ask you guys, how much do you think a cemetery church bell is worth? Okay. It's valued. It's sustained major damage as a result and is valued at how much money? $3,000. $3,000.

Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say like $10,000. $10,000. I'm going to say $13,000. $13,000. The bell, which is valued at $3,200. Oh, my God. Look at this ringer.

I had nothing to do with that bell. You did. You tell on yourself. Weird that that number was right at the tip of your tongue. Check his truck for straps. We edited it out, but Eddie said $3,000 and it was heavy. So I'm not saying he knows anything. Shouldn't have put it on that sled is what he said.

Carlson, Travis, I believe, chose not to talk when questioned. Marsh, Tanya, denied stealing the bell, but did question if it had been found. Yeah, you're next to the bell. It later emerged that... She's trying to make believe that she doesn't know. Let me know when you find it. You mean that thing

that's right behind you? It later emerged that both had been allegedly burglarized, or had allegedly burglarized a garage in the same area from which the bell was stolen. They have been charged with two counts of theft and one of burglary. They made their first court appearance Friday. Just for fun, I will ask you guys. How old?

How old do you think Travis Carlson is? A man who doesn't want to answer questions, is just along for the ride. Comes out belligerent. I'm going to say you don't do this until you're about, I'm going to say this guy was 50. 50 years old. That's good. How old are you? I'm going to say 39.

39? Okay. I think 27. 27? Yeah. One of you is only one year off. So all of you can go up a year or down a year. You want to go 51 or 49?

49. Okay. 40. 40? 28. Okay. We'll get out of here on this. Travis, my man Carlson, that's what I've named him, is 38 years old.

Oh! That was close. You were at the wrong way, Jason. So this is great. This is just dumb behavior and a dumb thing that happens in town. So dumb. Eddie Papitone's with us. We're going to take a quick break.

When we come back, we'll find out what he's doing and how you can follow him and all the great things that he's got going on. And I'm going to say we're going to plug an old documentary about him that we saw. I love it. So we love to Stephen Fine Arts Direct. And we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town.

Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. Before we get into all the great things Eddie is doing, Daniel Van Kirk is out and about. I'm on tour. Come see me on the East Coast. I'm in Albany, and Worcester, and Boston,

and New York, and two nights in Philadelphia. That's the 5th through the 10th at DanielVanKirk.com. At the end of April, I am going to be in Savannah, and I'm also going to be in Atlanta, and Asheville, North Carolina. After that, the next week, I'm also going to be in Atlanta and Asheville, North Carolina. And then I'm also doing,

after that, the next week, I'm doing San Antonio and I am doing, hold on, I promise, New Orleans. And what is the last one? Help me. What's around? Mobile.

You are right. I knew I could count on you. Mobile is great. Mobile's cool. I can't wait. I've never played Mobile. Everything is up at danielvancurka.com and don't forget to see me

at the end of the month doing the Come and Take It Comedy Festival in Houston. Oh, and Moon Tower, which now we'll dovetail into you guys because we're doing Dumb People Town together

at Moon Tower and you guys are also going to be Seattle. We're going to be in Seattle in May at the Crocodile and then just, hey, we're working on The Nosebleeds,

our new show, which is the Cheap Seats reboot of which Eddie did a wonderful thing for that's going to be out this summer. So we're editing that right now. It was super fun and I hope you guys enjoy that show. There are so many great people and I think that is that's going to be out this summer. So we're editing that right now. It was super fun, and I hope you guys enjoy that show.

There are so many great people, and I think that is literally just going to be – you know, I'll tell you guys this. Long before I let you get to know me, on my lunch breaks in a different life, I would watch Cheap Seats, and it's one of those things that you could just put on and be entertained by without needing to be challenged, but also like smart comedy, but also dumb and fun in the right ways. Exactly. And if anybody loves anything in those ways or love cheap seats for the same way I did, you're in luck. You're about to be a Fight Pass subscriber.

Right. So at the core of it is us watching old weird footage and making jokes over it. So that's the spine of every show. That's the spine of every show. But then there's like wonderful sketches with Eddie Pepitone and, you know, Kerry Kinney Silver and Lorraine Newman and Tony Hale and Andrea Rosen. Nate Craig. Nate Craig and Jon Hamm and Andy Richter.

I mean, insane. Kimmy Gatewood. Like, great, great, great people that you know and love. And so those people then populate the rest of it, and it just looks great. So that's what we have. Check that out when that drops, and we'll let you guys know. And our Patreon. We are at patreon.com.

So join that. We've got lots of new content there. Eddie Pepitone, how can people find you and see you? Where are you going to be? Take it easy. First of all, you can come. Take it easy. Just go to eddiepepitone. Oh, God. First of all, you can come. Take it easy. Just go to eddiepeppetone.com, the mothership of everything I have.

And my next tour is going to be, I'm going up north in California here. Nice. Ronit Park, Chico, Santa Cruz. Nice. I love it. I'm doing the Combois Jazz Center in Santa Cruz. And then I do the Sackyard Taphouse in Sacramento. Great.

I do, I'm doing Reno. Fun. Yeah, baby. Have you played Reno? I've never played Reno. But I love, I've been there. It's cool. I like Reno.

It's right by Tahoe, which I love. Yeah. Yeah, oh, Tahoe. San Jose Improv. Great. And then I'm also doing a couple of festivals. This is a wild one. Trinidad, Colorado.

It's called the Chief Bike Bicycle. Chief Bicycle and Comedy Fest. Fun. Then I go to Houston and then Austin. And that takes me to May. Great. I'm going all over the country. Nice.

And all the dates you were doing, I had done all those. Oh, great. Yeah? Cities, more or less. That's funny. all over the country. Nice. And all the dates you were doing, I had done all those cities, more or less, for pretty recently. EddiePepitone.com, if you haven't seen him do stand-up, I would highly recommend

The Bitter Buddha, which is one of my favorites. You can start with that. Start with that. Watch that documentary, The Bitter Buddha. You can probably order it or buy it.

Amazon. But the thing I really want to promote, and I forgot to promote it, Apocalypse Soon is my new podcast. Fantastic. I've done seven episodes. Please and I forgot to promote it. Yeah, promote it. Apocalypse Soon is my new podcast. Fantastic. I've done seven episodes.

Please. I'd love to have you guys on. Sure, sure. Of course, you know. I've done seven eps, and it's through All Things Comedy. Great. Love those guys.

And I'm really happy about this one. Apocalypse Soon. When does it drop each week? It drops on Tuesdays. Awesome. Great. Thank you. Apocalypse Soon. Subscribe. Here's a new one for you. And let's jump into another story. Okay. Great. Thank you. Apocalypse soon.

Subscribe. Here's a new one for you. And let's jump into another story. Okay, you ready? Yeah, let's do it. Nancy Sinatra, all March long. Please sponsor me. That's her new name, but her handle hasn't changed.

At SheBeCarleen sent this in. And if you go to her, she's actually raising money for a great cause. That's what that name means. Oh, I love her. So if you go to at SheBeCarleen, we're happy to throw some love back to you. This is one of our fans who sends in stories. A lot of stories. She finds the dumb and then sends it.

Oh, she's a researcher. She's like a stringer out there. It's like, hey, this is a good story. I'll send it. Okay, you ready for this headline? The universe is helping you. Yeah. It really is.

You take one step toward the universe. Yes. And the universe helps you. More than barrier. I love it. It's kind of nice. Aldi shopper. You could technically stop right there. Aldi shopper. You could technically stop right there.

Have you been to an Aldi? Aldi? Where are they? The one in Rochelle is the only one I've ever known to love. There's Aldi in St. Louis. There's Aldi in Chicago. The stock up store. Where are you from, Dan? Rochelle, Illinois.

It doesn't come up that much. It might be a Midwestern thing. Eddie, you're from Texas? All right. Okay. Aldi shopper, locked inside store, raids alcohol aisle before police arrive. What are you going to do? Whose fault is it that this person is locked in the store?

Is that by design? No. I don't think so. So this was someone who got stuck and was like, gonna stick me in here, I'm gonna stick it to you. It's like those tests where they leave kids in a room and they go, don't eat this cookie, we'll be back in five minutes.

That's the worst. You can't blame the kid. No. Right? I just, I get depressed for the human race in the sense that everybody is trying, cannot face their pain. Sure.

Like if you're in an Aldi's, there's a lot of other sections. Yes. I think. I've never been in one. Are there any books? No, there's no books in an Aldi. I don't probably not. Cookbooks?

You never know what you're going to get. I buy books that are okay. I don't even know if there's that. Listen, I buy all of my Jonathan Franz in an Aldi's. The weird thing. Here's the weird thing. And there are people who would ride and die with me on this. Aldi is like everything is like generic brand.

It's like Kroger, IGA. But then they also will have things that you're like, whoa, you got that at Aldi? Like they'll have like really great steaks every once in a while. Or like a lobster tail. But then also they'll have like a can of soup that just says soup on it. So they have food. Soup brand soup.

It's a full grocery store. Oh, it's a grocery store. It's like a Ralph's. Oh, it's a grocery store. Yeah, I would go for the liquor aisle. Just go straight to the liquor. But here's what, Eddie, I think you were trying to say. And I think this is what we have become as a people.

Thank you for completing my thing. Let me explain this to Eddie. Bring it on back. think you were trying to say and i think this is what we have become as a thank you people for completing my let me explain this to eddie bring it on back i think what you're saying is that nobody can get can just sit through a hard thing and just be like well this sucks nobody can do that nobody can be like i don't like this joke that was just said so now i gotta go up and slap the person who said it nobody's's like, I can't deal with this person who's in office, so I'm going to say that that's not the thing and I'm going to storm the Capitol. No one

can just sit and just do it. Nobody can just be like, well, I lost. Well, she broke up with me. Well, they fired me for my job. Well, I got locked in this place, so I'm just going to call people and get out. I mean, wouldn't you know that I got to stick it to the people that did it? What would be fun is like

you could live tweet or live, you know what I mean, like your night at Aldi's. He may not have been social media. He did? Yeah. Or he should have reached to Aldi. Right, this is just the beginning of this story. Let's hear a little bit more. An Aldi shopper in the U.S. has chronicled on

TikTok how he was locked inside his local store and later rescued by police. Rescued. Rescued. Come on. He's not a Chilean miner, for Christ's sake. He's not even a Chilean water dog. Yeah. He's not a German shepherd that you lucked out into finding.

He's not rescued. Bob, send the robot in first. Bob, send the robot in first. Capturing the hilarious mishap on TikTok, the customer said he was trapped in the Aldi store after staff decided to lock up early and failed to check the aisles for remaining shoppers. I've never been in a grocery store that doesn't let you know every three minutes that they're closing. To the point of almost being rude. Oh, it is rude. Yes.

It's like, God damn it, let me get the opening. Leave me alone. I want the Irish shows. Get out. Is that? Folks, you now have 30 seconds. It's like a James Bond movie before the bomb goes off. Exactly right. 29.

There's not. Sir. I'm getting it. I'm getting it. Sir with the shaved head. There is not that much sushi left. It is 10.27. T-minus 10 seconds.

Just pick one of the day-old sushis and leave. At this point, we will give it to you. The rice is too cold. The sushi's not good. Well, obviously, let me just say this. Obviously, there's a morale problem at Aldi's. Like, fuck it. Close it up.

I don't give a shit. If someone's in here, someone's in here. If someone's in Fuck it. Close it up. I don't give a shit. If someone's in here, someone's in here. Someone's in here, someone's in here. By the way, there is no way any of us knows when our local supermarket closes. If you ask me when is your local supermarket, I'd be like nine. Especially these days. Especially now.

Oh, with COVID? So many things. Hours change and some went back. You go at 11, I'm like, there's no way nobody knows. I know these people, though. I do Google it, usually. Is Trapped in an Aldi, is that the R. Kelly album? Yes, that is. This is the caption alongside the hashtag, you had one job.

It says, during the pandemic, Aldi closed early, and the cashier neglected to make sure no customers were left in the store. Pin it on the cashier. I guess I'm invisible or something, wrote the confused Oklahoma man in his viral TikTok. Yes, you are. I just got locked in an Aldi, and they don't close till 9 looking at his watch.

The TikToker claimed he and another shopper were locked inside an Aldi store at 8.45 p.m., 15 minutes before the store was scheduled to close. Wasn't this the premise of Last Man on Earth? A bit. He then proceeds to shout into the empty store, can anybody hear me? I'm locked in an Aldi. If anybody could hear you in the Aldi, they're also locked in the Aldi. Beginning to a great song.

Point taken, he didn't need the last part of that sentence. Right, exactly. Point taken, he didn't need the last part of that sentence. Right, exactly. Point taken. In the 51 second video, the man explains that he decided to call the police to free him from the supermarket rather than set off the alarm. Get the jaws of life. Because he could, you know, he could have

gotten arrested. Police are definitely going to charge Aldi for the trip. Luckily, the shopper doesn't need to worry about starving to death because the store is filled with food and alcohol to keep him busy. Yep. Reaching for a six-pack of Brenz German-style lager. I've heard of it. I've never heard of it.

German-style lager. Is that like a Yingling? Well, I guess we're in Oklahoma. I don't know. I don't want to get into insulting people. The customer proceeds to pass the time by cracking a beer and waving at the security camera. However, the bored Aldi shopper soon upgrades to wine, which he drinks while waiting for help.

Yeah, he's going to get drunk. Where's the other person? No, nothing is ever said about this other person. He ate the other person. You got to have something to go with the wine. I also ate a human. Small Filipino woman goes with that red wine that he picked up. Yeah, that pairs really well with a good

small woman. A petite Filipino woman goes well with a petite Syrah. Is it fair to say that you're never locked in any public place? Don't they all have emergency fire

exit doors? You could walk out and start the alarm. Yeah, but just be like, well, I'm not staying in here. You logged me. I'm walking out this door that says alarm. And by the way, the alarm goes off and it just tells you you got to go back in and lock it. What do you think the percentage is on times that an alarm actually goes off? We've all seen the sign like, do not open, alarm will

sound. And how many times have we been told by venues like, oh, just go out that door. And you're like, is there an alarm? No, no, no. There's no alarm. I wonder what the actual percentage is of alarms that go off if you open the door. I feel like it's 50-50. Beware of dog signs with no dogs. Yeah. Most people, though,

with alarms, I believe, because I'm speaking for myself here, but then I extrapolate from that. I think most people are afraid to go through alarms. Yeah. They're like, no, no, no, I'm not going to. And you have a beware of cats sign at your house.

I have three cats. I know. All of them cranky. Really? All of them cranky. All of your cats, and I've seen you post videos of you with the cats, they all seem like they don't want to be there. Like all your cats are like, just feed me and leave me alone.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Am I right? Have I captured the personality of your cat? So what is the point of that pet? What is the point? What do you get out of it? There is nothing better when this coy ass, hard to get animal comes up to you and goes,

a little bit of loving? And then you go. And then you go. You're a sucker for it. That purr is amazing. And I have insisted we could end war if we had, like, huge speakers all throughout the club

playing the purr in public spaces. I'm into it. It would calm people down to hear the purr. Everybody would be like, wait a minute, I'm not going to steal this bell. Or whatever it is. No, wait a minute, I'm not going to steal this bell or whatever it is. Wait a minute, I'm not going to allow myself to get locked in this all day. Just because they accidentally locked me in here, I don't need to start stealing their stuff.

Why do I need to drink? That's what I wonder about the second person. Did the second person go, hey, man, I'm just going to sit up by the door until they get here because I don't really feel like I'm entitled to whatever their product is. You don't think that they locked you in here, that they owe you a certain amount? No. Because then you start to get into what do they owe you? They owe me $100 worth of stuff. Right.

But if you're cool about it, and this is the truth of it, this is the way it always goes with everybody. If you're cool about what happened, you're like, look, I love Aldi's. I accidentally got shopped here. I love Aldi's. I actually got locked in here while I was shopping. Can anyone get me out? I'm going to just post some fun pictures of me just around the store.

I'm not taking anything. I guarantee you Aldi's would be like, we love this person. They got blocked. Here's a $100 gift card. They would have given it to you. What happened to him? Did he get arrested? Finally, 30 minutes and a bottle of wine later,

which is a fast amount of time to drink a bottle of wine. The police show up to release the man and his companion from their Aldi fortress. His companion? Another clue. Why aren't you having sex in the paper towels? That's a fantasy of mine. To have sex in the paper towels? In the frozen eyes. There's something about

freezing. The police officer is cracking up, says the man, as the Aldi manager eventually opens the door for the customer. The lighthearted is cracking up, says the man, as the Aldi manager eventually opens the door for the customer. The lighthearted video has since gone viral. Totally lighthearted. Amassing 5.5 million views

and more than 300,000 likes and comments. Wow. Okay, can I just say about the popularity of that? Yeah. That is why our civilization

is crumbling. It's fucking crumbling. Thank you. Apocalypse soon. That's it. Apocalypse soon. Thank you. That's myocalypse soon. That's it. Apocalypse soon. Thank you. That's my new podcast.

That's right. I want to podcast. And comics, brilliant comics, think of really good bits and don't get a fraction. I know. Well, because that's not the – it's funny. You have to like really – you got to say that's not what gets it. It's like – What is it?

It's the person who gets hit by a thing. I mean like this is what... I think it's reality TV is the big thing of it. Like in other words, Will Smith bashing Chris Rock reality. Quote unquote. And then this

guy... Like, you know what I mean? I think a way to go for comics... Jeez, I must have had too much coffee because I got scared when the mic tipped. No, but it is true that like a well-constructed, written-out bit that tells us about who we are as people and all that stuff.

It's going to take too much time. What doesn't get nearly as much at play as like cheating man gets surprised by wife and you're like, oh, a zillion people are going to watch this. But also like a kid falling down on a snow hill being like, I'm a fallasaurus. Gets some millions and millions of things. Yeah. How old, the kid? Like four.

Perfect age to fall. Can I put that on mine? I filmed a 35-year-old falling down a hill zip. So I think it's age. What was the thing you did on, and we've always cast you in every single thing that we've done. So we did Back on Tops. The thing we did in Back on Tops

where you got beaten up at a, you got beaten up at a, you owned a health food store. He got beaten up outside the store by, because he was making fun of Ichiro. I,

inadvertently. By like diehard Ichiro fan. Jeez, this must have been a while ago. By like an Asian gang or something like that. Beat you up. Oh, yeah.

And then you were all, we're like, geez, are you okay? And you're like, your video's up online and we're like millions of people watching.

You have a black eye and all you can say is, is it getting a lot of hits? Is it getting a lot of video's up online and like millions of people watch it. You have a black eye and all you can say is, is it getting a lot of hits? Is it getting a lot of hits? Is it getting a lot of hits? Because if it's getting a lot of hits.

It's so funny. That's it. Well, this one did. That's story number two, my friends. Story two. Dan, give us a little tease of what we're going to get

in the final story. Chaos at a Golden Corral. Chaos. I mean, to me, that is every one of them. You mean a Golden Corral? I'm loving it. to me, that is every, it's the definition. I'm loving it. I'm loving it.

They call it Tuesday. And then for our Patreon fans, Eddie's going to tell us the story of something dumb that happened in his life or what he witnessed. You got to join the Patreon just to hear this one.

Yeah, if you're not on our Patreon, what are you doing? Tidbits. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. Stick around.

Look us down. For more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel, take us home. Here we go. Ready? Sent in by Nick Depp. D-E-P-P-E. At Nick Depp.

Thanks so much, buddy. Nick Depp's brother. All right, Nick. Yep. Here's what he sent us. Massive brawl breaks out at Golden Corral. Of course. Have any of you been to a Golden Corral?

I've never seen it. I've never been. Is it a diner? No. No, it's like. It's like old country buffet. They have a chocolate. It's a buffet. They have a chocolate wonderful.

Yeah. Where you can just stick things. I think I've been in one. Okay. Are they in California or are they in other states? I think they're all over. I don't know if there's a Golden Corral here. I feel like there is.

Look it up. Look it up. I think the chocolate fountain is ringing a bell, but that could have been a sex thing. Sure. That I was involved in while I was on NyQuil. Either way, you had all you could eat. I call that a fondant. Okay.

Ben Salem, Pennsylvania. A Friday night turned into a melee in Ben Salem at a Golden Corral restaurant. Now police... There is one in Downey, California. There we go. Now police are trying to figure out how it started. A former employee of the restaurant says he was told the fight may have happened after

a customer became enraged when the buffet ran out of what? Texas toast. Texas toast? What do you think? What did the buffet run out of? Tater tots. I mean, the buffet's got to have mashed potatoes

ran out of steak oh I was gonna say steak that's ball worthy Eddie's on board I get it Eddie just said I'll allow it video shared with eyewitness news shows punches being thrown

and high chairs flying high chairs flying as a video breaks out. Get the baby out, Han. I'm going to throw this thing. Unstrap the baby. The Golden Corral in Bent Salem Friday evening. Bent Salem police confirmed the brawl may have involved more than how many people?

Well, I know it was Will Smith. Okay. How many people do you think were fighting in this Golden Corral? I mean, what do you think? I'm going to go 11. I think there were 40 people who were like, because there's the guy who's mad, and then he gets all upset, and then one person gets upset. But then there's like eight people always at a Golden Corral who are like, I came here

to eat and kick ass. So if it starts, I'm jumping in. How many is a minion? That's what I was going to say. 10. Oh, okay. 11. I'm going to say 24.

I said 40. One of you is exactly right. So now we get to play Who Do You Think Is Right? What are the numbers again? 11, 24, 40. You can go with yourself. Well, since I don't believe in myself,

I'm going to go 24. I'm going to say 24. I'm going to stick with the 40. Please confirm that the brawl may have involved more than 40 people. And happened following an argument among some customers. Officers

are still looking into what caused the argument. I'm going to show you guys some of this. We'll also put this up on social media. Let's see how nasty it got. What's his stake? Here we go. Oh, my God.

Chairs are being thrown. Oh, my God. People are fighting with high chairs as though that's their weapon of choice, like they're American gladiators. It keeps going from there. Jeez. It's insane. I've never seen nothing like that in a Golden Corral before.

So that's a double negative. So you've seen a lot of things like that. Said former employee Dylan Becker. Dylan got fired and he is ready to talk shit about this. I'm ready to write my book. He's like, ask me anything about this. I need to speak now.

Ask me if I've seen anything like it before. I saw this coming. I've never seen nothing like it before, but I knew it was coming. Becker, who used to work at the Ben Salem Golden Corral, says he was told by a current employee about the initial altercation. From what I heard, it was over steak. Apparently, somebody

cut in line. His friend heard the same details. There was a shortage of steak, and two parties were involved, and one of family cut in front of another family. Oh, you don't do that. They were taking their time, and they ran out of steak, and it got into a heated exchange at the tables. Can you blame the supply chain on this?

Was it one of you guys who told me you went to Franklin Barbecue in Austin, and the person in front of you— it must have been somebody else—the person in front of them said, I'll take everything you have left and bought out. And that was it. Because they're out for the day. You don't let that person do that. But they do at Franklin Barbecue. They're like, yeah. And the guy who was next was like,

I just wanted a sandwich or whatever. And he waited probably an hour or two hours. Three hours. I would hit him with a high chair. I'd wait for their food to be on the table, walk by and tip it on the floor and be like, now no one's getting

it. In the video, nobody eats it. In the video, a man is heard saying, which I will dramatically perform for all of you. A man is heard saying, all I wanted was some steak. Which, by the way, that is... Great line. That's their new advertising slogan. All I wanted was some steak. Which, by the way, that is... Great line. That's their new advertising slogan.

All I wanted was some steak. All I wanted was some steak. Are you willing... Go ahead. Are you willing to fight for your steak here at Golden Corral? Right. That's it. You have legitimately a stake in this. Golden Corral wouldn't answer our email asking if a lack of steak caused the melee.

And that's not because they wouldn't answer. They wouldn't answer. I just don't think they're on email. Don't answer our email asking if a lack of steak caused the melee. And that's not because they wouldn't answer. They wouldn't answer. I just don't think they're on email. Don't answer that. Marjorie, don't answer that. Out of office. I was just going to file just a little quick reply. I don't know how this works.

But JK Hospitality, which feels like you don't want to be taken seriously. Just kidding. Hospitality. JK Hospitality, which feels like you don't want to be taken seriously. Just kidding. JK Hospitality. JK Hospitality LLC, which sounds like a placeholder when you're writing a TV show. And you're like, what do we call it? I don't know. Call it JK Hospitality LLC.

Is this the umbrella company? Yes. And then you're like, wait, wait, wait. Did we ever do an actual name for that thing? No, we left it JK. Oh, shit. Is that going out on the forums? That's what it is.

JK Hospitality, their CEO is Alfred M. Butts. Am I right? Well, that's the Golden Corral franchisee. They wrote in a statement, thankfully, no serious injuries have been reported. Doesn't mean they didn't happen. Just means they haven't been reported. Thankfully, nobody's reported on the shit that went down that day.

Thankfully, no one knows how to report their injuries. Well, a lot of people are wanted, probably, who are in that brawl, and they don't want to report it. It's too much trouble. The safety of our guests and coworkers is our top priority. Of course. Not preventing it. It's certainly it. Just what happens to it.

You know what your top priority should be? Making sure there's enough steak. I agree. You should have extra steak. Too much steak. Meantime, people, we showed the video to blame the customers, is what they wrote in this article. It is the customers fault. Disgusted that people would even do that in a public place.

Yeah, keep your family brawls on your own private property. That's right. Keep them at Thanksgiving. Or when there's children around. Also, that's another thing. Dan, you know, there's a family, though, sitting there in the corner, and they're like, just keep eating. Like, this is not. Right now is a great time to go to the dessert.

Right now is a great time. Babe, we could leave, and they're not even going to know. But there's a family, but there's one person in that family going, please, Dad, let me jump in there. Don't get it. Just stay. Double the shots. No. You know what you're going to do? dad, let me jump in there. Don't get it. Just stay. You know what you're going to do? Get a couple more jello shots and bring those over here. Our community should be safe for families, a man said.

He says that no matter. He can give a quote into anything. It doesn't matter what the topic is. He's yelling that. Our community should be safe for families. Also, a good drama is about family. No respect for anything. No respect for people or for people or property or anything.

No respect for people or for people or property or anything. Is there any respect for people? No, none. And none for people. Police are working to figure out who started the fight. That person could face several charges, including simple assault. No shit. Yeah.

Eddie, if we can't figure out you've watched a ton of cold case files, we can't find the murderer, you're not going to find who started this fight. Absolutely not. Also, don't you think there's a certain age in your life after watching that video where you think that's what medieval times is going to be like? Oh yeah.

They got to enter in a show. They got the show. Again, the people are like, just let them fight it out. Let them fight it out. It's all part of the show, babe. It's part in a show. They got the show. Again, the people are like, just let them fight it out. Let them fight it out. It's all part of the show, babe. It's part of the show. Finding who started this fight is like who started COVID. Like where, what lab created COVID? I don't know.

I guess there was no security camera because if you could follow that line, you could see the first punch. First punch being done. Theoretically, yeah. Theoretically. camera because if you could follow that line, you could see the first punch. Theoretically, yeah. I think, now you didn't put a button on this, but Golden Corral now has two off-duty police officers on every buffet.

Is that true? You need to. Someone bring out the steak. Or you bring out the toughest guy ever to say there's no more steak. You know what I mean? Get a UFC fighter. Get somebody to step out there and be like, there's no more steak.

Now, who wants a high kick to the jaw? You want to talk about it with me? Talk about it with me. My name is Conor McGregor. There's no more steak. There's no more steak. That's it. That's a show, friends.

That's a show. Eddie Papatone. Apocalypse soon is the podcast. Please subscribe to it. Go see a show, friends. That's a show. Eddie Pepitone. Apocalypse Soon is the podcast. Please subscribe to it. Go see him when he does Stand Up In Your Town. EddiePepitone.com. Go look at DanielVanKirk.com. Check him out live.

Let's sell out all of his shows and ours, too. We love you guys. And oh, shit, we've dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb