Dumb People Town - Eliza Skinner - Don't Beat the System

Episode Date: January 8, 2019

Comedian Eliza Skinner joins the show this week! In Story 1, a series of horrible decisions starts in a strip club and ends with a man in the nude, after a bizarre kidnapping. Story 2 is the tale of a poorly executed birthday cake. Then, in Story 3, some scary dumbness on the high seas.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

On your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population. Skinner. Eliza Skinner.

Town. Skinner Town. I was late on it. You were late on it, but it Population, you. Population, Skinner. Eliza Skinner. Town. Skinner town. I was late on it. You were late on it, but it was okay. Hello. Welcome to our show. Welcome to the town. Thanks for having me. Thank you for bringing your wonderful improvisational energy to us.

Oh, yes. And unleashing it. And I'm so glad to be here. Well, usually you keep it on leash. Yeah. Today you're unleashing it. Well, within city limits. Within city limits.

Because if another improvisational skill barks at it or a car goes by, I don't want it to run into the street. It's gun-shy. I understand. And you haven't gotten your improvisational abilities fixed yet. No, no. You're letting it— I like it to be, you know, like wild and free in that sense. But in the summertime, summer months when there is, like, it could be in heat, that doesn't bother you in any way, shape, or form?

That's the way God intended improv. Okay. You'll let it run away for a few days, but you know it'll come back. Exactly. When you leave home and then come back, do you often see, like, the trail mark of just across the top of the couch by your front window of your improvisational skills running back and forth? No, not so much. But I do see little footprints from outdoor wild improvisational skills. Trying to get at it. They come to the window and can smell

and are like woo they know yeah what's that torco like you know you gotta be careful

for the outdoor wild improvisational skills cause they will fuck with what you have Dan knows that try to take you down we don't want to take you down

but you were part of Diamond Line right yes I was I always tell people that for a long time running that was one of the best nights of comedy that you could get in this country.

It would be like, Douglas movies at 7, Comedy Bang Bang at 8.30, and then Diamond Lion after that. Usually paired up with sometimes, I think, Facebook a couple of times. Yeah, they pair us up with different things. And then they moved us to Fridays. But that Tuesday night run for a long time there was just sick. That was right when I first moved here. Really? And I was like, I first moved here. Really? And I was like, I have an idea.

Let's do it. Oh, so good. Come on, Hollywood. So good. So, so good. Love it. All right, well, on this show, the world's getting dumber. The world is getting dumber not just on this show, but this show attempts to protect us.

In the world, the world is actually getting dumber. Inside and outside. It's osmosis. We're feeling it inside and out, and the only way to combat it is through comedy. We get wonderful stories sent to us by our beautiful fans. They are dumb boots

on the ground and they find the stories and they send them to Dan. Stupid street team. Stupid street team! Okay! This is why we brought you here. Alright, so let's jump

into a story right now. We have Eliza Skinner here. Dan, I don't know if you know that. I do. Okay, she's here. You want to do a story? Yes.

Here we go. Sent in by Calabino at, I don't know if it's Calabino or Calabino,? Yes. Here we go. Let's jump into one. Sent in by Calabino. I don't know if it's Calabino or Calbino. C-A-L-E-B-I-N-O. Calabino. Caleb Eno. Caleb Eno.

He's very. He's the Brian Eno of surfers. Why not? Yeah. I'm going to read you the headline. Great. I love this. Series of horrible decisions starts in strip club Sounds like my life

No it does not You never go to strip clubs By the way who goes to a strip club to make a series of wonderful decisions Yeah no I mean well unless you're like you're taking a shift you've like been making the bad ones you're like you know what I want to sit in it for a while and start getting better

I'm going to have this buffet I feel like that's the back of a VHS from Blockbuster in like 94. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But nobody has ever like, so I went to the strip club last night and by four in the morning we came up with a cure for AIDS.

No one says that. Read the headline one more time and I'm going to do the final line to the back of the VHS tape, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay? Series of horrible decisions starts in strip club. See Thomas Howell stars

in Taking It Off. Yeah. Or it was one of those things, remember when the VHS was, they'd come out with knockoff movies that came out at the same time,

like, we're hungover tonight. Yeah. And it's like, it's not the hangover. Like Dinosaur Park. Yeah. A couple of them would get me.

Dinosaur Park. Yeah. I would watch Dinosaur Park. Yeah. A couple of them would get me. Dinosaur Park. Yeah. I would watch Dinosaur Park. Well, that sounds like they're just having picnics, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dinosaur Park. Where dinosaurs take their- It's just fun.

They're on Frisbee, but they can't catch it because they're little arms. Or it's dinosaurs- Get it, T-Rex. He can't. He can't. You're just taunting him now. Come on, man. You know I can't get it.

Dang it. Dang it. Try it again. Throw it again. Reach for it. You're overthrowing your coverage. You never say reach for it. An Oklahoma man paid a visit to a strip club at 3 a.m.

He makes it seem like it's like his grandmother that he needs to stop in on. Look, she. I just got to make a quick visit there. I do a quick visit to the strip club. The girls need me. I just want to make sure everybody's okay. Yeah. Once again, this does not sound like where the bad decisions started.

It's at 3 a.m. that he decided to go there. It's not like you were like, set my alarm. He watched Roma, and he was like, that was right. You know what now? Go and trust your club. I just wanted to see wherever he was before this, where he looked at his watch and was like, well, I got to go drop in on the strip club. Sorry, guys, you'll help feeding these people without me?

That's right. No, he's like doing CPR on someone who's dying. He's like, what time is it right now? It's 2.55. I got three more pumps

to the chest and then I gotta get out of this. Yeah, I gotta release some stress. Police said that bad decision set in motion a bizarre series of events

that resulted in him running naked down a country road. Country road. Okay. Country road. I mean, is that the worst decision? Right. Like, if you're going to run naked down a country road,

I'm assuming we're probably at like 6 a.m. or so by then. Probably, right? That seems like the right time to do it. That's right. You know, kids aren't going to school. You're not running into a lot of goats. I mean, to me, that is if I live in that community. This is the thing you yell at your kids who are doing a little thing wrong that to show.

Do you want to end up running naked down a country road? 6 a.m. down a country road? Don't touch that. Going to a strip club and then running a bunch of miles should be like its own exercise movement called cross tit. At Sklar Brothers. Thank you, Randy. Send all of your anger towards us. Specifically Jay.

Send a little bit of it to Eliza Skinner who's encouraging that. She laughed at it. Eliza loves a good hateful Twitter interaction. Hey, yeah. Because it never happened enough.

You never get enough negative interactions on Twitter. Oh, no. I mean, as a woman online, people really give you the benefit of the doubt. They do.

A lot of respect. And they like to let your jokes stand. Go, what she did was no. I mean, as a woman online, people really give you the benefit of the doubt. They do. A lot of respect. And they like to let your jokes stand. Go, what she did was enough. Morgan Murphy. I don't need to point out what's wrong. Still, my favorite Twitter joke of all time, Morgan Murphy. She goes,

she tweeted out, before Twitter, I didn't realize all my jokes had answers. Yeah. Fully true. So true. And half the time,

a real fun one is when they they respond telling you what's wrong with your joke and clearly didn't understand some of the words in it oh yeah yeah like you don't know

what that word means we're learning a lot about you I was in a car accident and somebody who I assume is a fan of the show but still I was just not in the mood

just on picture alone I was in somebody's Prius should have framed it up better he wrote yeah maybe next time don't run a car like that get yourself something like an escalade so that when you don't when you get side swiped you don't go flying all over the road also what happened and i wrote back i wrote back you seem to assume a lot of shit before admitting you have no clue what you're talking about.

All in one tweet. Yeah. I was like, you list all these. How do you know I rented a car? How do you know I even got side swiped? He lists all these things and then goes, also, what happened? He's manic. He's a manic.

Just imagine if you were a woman. I don't want to. There's so many fun things you can do if you just imagine you're a woman. You're a woman. Or be kept from doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in a way that you're like, what is this about? No one understands what women are going through better than the three guys in this room.

Thank you. Or Mel Gibson in What Women Want. Which you know they're making a sequel to, right? They already did. They did make it? It's Taraji P. Henson, What Men Want. Yep. She can suddenly hear all men's thoughts.

And I was like, oh, come on. And then by the end of the trailer, I was like, I'm so on board. This looks great. I can't wait. Erykah Badu is a witch in it. It's not a three-minute movie, which is like, I'd like to have sex with you. I mean, to me, that is the thought that most dudes have. The great joke in that trailer is, do you want some tea?

Right? And then she goes, I thought black people stopped doing that when Get Out came. After Get Out. It was like, oh, great joke. Good job. Trajipi Henson. And Erykah Badu is a witch in that thing? Yes.

I say Erykah Bad don't. Oh, wow. Ask our brothers. Send it my way. Okay, here we go. The man told police that he had been kidnapped by two men during a convoluted robbery that started after he went to the gentleman's club and officers were surprised to find his strange account largely checked out. How often are these stories just pitches that you guys are foolishly letting into the world?

I know. It happens a lot. Yes, there's so many times where I'm like, we need to make that sketch. Let's mail this story to ourselves. Andy Samberg is already on board, probably going to produce too. Make it on a country road. Actually, I think they did make this to produce too. Make it on a country road. Actually, I think they did make this movie. Is it saying make it on a country road?

I think Thomas Middleditch might have been in this. Oh, yeah. Listen to me, though. Was that the one down in Mexico? They're calling them gentlemen's club. How many gentlemen are in there? Like, real gentlemen. Yes.

Oh, pardon me. Don't spill that drink. You'll get it on my spats. My good man, it's been so long. Have a seat. We're watching Crystal. And doing it, too. Sit on my lap. Hold these white gloves.

Sleep on that joke. About an hour after going to the strip club, the man joined a dancer he just met at an all night diner I'm going to tell you right now I could get behind this what a great scene you know you got that late night diner lighting yes

like a hopper painting you got some actress trying to show her darker side you got a Shailene Woodley or somebody like I can play a stripper so the man told police that he'd been kidnapped right? show her darker side. You know, you got a Shailene Woodley or somebody like, I can play a stripper. So the man told police that he'd been kidnapped, right?

Yep. Because about an hour after going to the strip club, he met a dancer. They went to an all-night diner called Mama Lose. Perfect. Now it's a musical

because that's a number. That is. Mama Lose. All night long at Mama Lose. Get what you want. Even juice. They serve a lot of juice. Juice. Big juice bar. But they don't serve juice. That's the weird what you want. Even juice. They serve a lot of juice.

Juice. Big juice bars. But they don't serve juice. That's the weird thing. They will serve juice. Well, they serve two juice, but don't serve juice on a plate.

Right. Yeah, yeah. But don't bring a Jew a juice. Bring a Jew a juice is the next. Bring a Jew a juicy. Mama Lou's is where the pair struck up a conversation with two men

later identified as William Trites and Philip Tullis. Trites and Tullis. They sound like gentlemen. Dad, is this the documentary on Netflix about them being in Oklahoma? No, The Innocent Man? No, but you need to be watching it. Have you started it yet? Innocent Man? No. Is it about making dessert watching. I know. Have you started it yet? Innocent Man?

No. Is it about making dessert? Because I'm probably not going to watch it if it's not. Not for you, then. Are you a great British baking show fan? Oh, I haven't heard of that one. No, yes, I am. Would that be the best?

If you love this type of show, but someone gets to introduce... I don't know what that is. I'm an Anglophile, I'm a big Brit fan, and I love baking shows. I love when they take pictures of English desserts that you've never heard of before and then craftily draw them into beautiful colored drawings. Yes, I'm always like, who does those drawings? What if you were like, I love that, but I've never heard of the Great British Baking Show? Yeah, no, that's not a...

Why, would I like it? I'm a huge fan of Baking Show. Would I like that? Do you feel like it's in my list? Is that something I should watch? I just like cooking in a tent in an English countryside, but I've never heard of this show. I like competing, but supporting everybody while I do it. Yes.

So they meet up with William Trites and Philip Tullis. I love when the bad people in your story have bad people names. Trites and Tullis. Yeah, but do you want to go Trites and Tullis? Or you can go Bill and Phil. Bill and Phil. Bill and Phil sounds like an appliance. Right.

It also makes them more friendly, weirdly enough. Bill and Phil. They strike up a conversation with two makes them more friendly, weirdly enough. Bill and Phil. They strike up a conversation with two men, later identified as William Trites and Philip Tullis, in the parking lot. Now, they don't highlight that as one of the mistakes in this night. But that is a mistake. But that is a big one. Don't talk to parking lot people. Don't get into a parking lot conversation.

Don't talk to parking lot people. Don't ever get into a parking lot conversation. No, and also, aren't you, on some level, I feel like that is the moment for a guy going to a strip club to connect with one of the strippers and go have, like, a meal. Yeah, maybe they met each other. This is their meet-cute.

This is their meet, and so now they're doing this thing. Don't engage with other people at that point. In a parking lot, nonetheless. You've achieved the highest level of strip club patron and stripper relationship.

You made a friend. Yeah, I'm interested to hear what the inline was. Like, how did this start? The victim, this is in the parking lot, admired the Jeep that the two men were driving, and one of them said he had others for sale. Now, look, he went to the strip

club at 3, so we've got to be pushing 4.35 a.m. by this point, right? Easy. And he's not even naked. To have made a friend, to go to... Do you think he's showing off in front of the stripper? That he likes Jeeps? Oh, I like your Jeep.

Oh, you got more for sale? Yeah, yeah, I got a bunch of Jeep money. Oh, okay. Tell me about your Jeeps. Some loose Jeep money sitting around. I'm in the market for a Jeep. Or what if it turned the other way, where he said to her at the strip club, you got a really nice ass, okay? And she really appreciated that. She calls it a Jeep? Or what if it turned the other way where he said to her at the strip club, you got a really nice ass.

Okay? And she really appreciated that. She calls it a Jeep. Then. But he's a gentleman. It's a wrangler. He's a gentleman so I doubt he said it

that way, Randy. She's 114 Native American and said, you've got a really nice Jason. You've got a really nice Jeep. You've got a really nice ass. And then later,

she thought that was the nicest comment she'd ever heard. And then later, they're walking out of the parking lot and he turns to those guys and said, you've got a really nice ass. And then later, she thought that was the nicest compliment she'd ever heard. And then later, they're walking out of the parking lot and he turns to those guys and said,

you got a really nice Jeep. And she realizes, wait, you say that to everybody. So it's not as special anymore and then she's kind of having a moment. Okay.

Yeah. Well, he tells the two dudes, Bill and Phil, love that Jeep. And at, let's say, 4.37 a.m.,

they say, cool, because we got more for sale. So where would that come from? All four of them went to a storage facility in Moore, Oklahoma, where Trites and Tullis insisted on patting them down for safety purposes before going inside one of the locked units. You have made a parking lot friend and they are now saying they have to pat you down before you go in their storage unit.

I'm going to say, I think a good rule for life is you can't beat the system. Don't try to beat the system. So if you're confronted with a situation where you're like, ooh, I can go around the system and get a cheap Jeep

from these parking lot rats. Go to cars.com. Parking lot rats. You can't. Don't try to beat the system. By the way, who is parking cars in a storage unit? Like, you can't do that. I know.

Or not without a human body inside of it. Thank you. Of course. That's where corpses go. Does this dude think he's having the greatest night ever, though? He's a gentleman. He went to a strip club. He made a friend.

He had a great diner. So he's like, everything's on our way. Now he's like, I gotta keep, he's doubling down at the craps table. Just let it rot. This is the plot of Steve Martin's The Jerk 2. Yes, exactly.

Once they were inside, the victim said that Bill and Phil started laying out lines of cocaine. Okay. Fine. Now we have turned

the world. Now we know what we're into here. I mean, he's right. Things are just going his way. It's just nonstop windfalls for this guy. This is a hell of an evening. The victim and his companion, who would be Crystal, say they refused, but the two men ordered them to snort the drugs.

Now, that did not happen. That did not happen. They made us. I believe the entire rest of this, but no, I didn't want to co-cafe. They made us. They said, you put't want the cocaine. They made us. They said, you put it up your nose or you're bad. They forced me to sniff. They put my head down and they're like, sniff it.

Right. And I hope though this is. I didn't even know what it was. I thought it was pixie sticks and wishes. I hope it is a cardio ship inside this storage unit. And when he was like, you need to snort this cocaine. And the guy was like, I'm not snorting that. I hope that Phil or Bill.

I know what you're about to say. I'm going to go talk to my manager. He came back, he said you got to snort one line. Are you cool with that? Let me help you. I don't want you to have to. I want to get you in a Jeep today, but you got to do one of these lines. What's it going to take to have me get you into this drug? I just want to get you into this drug.

I told you this story, right? One time I was helping a friend buy a car and the person kept doing excited sales for a very long time. The person selling the car kept doing the let me go talk and would come back with a number. So then I said, look, I'm really good friends with her accountant, so let me give him a call and see what she can do on her end budget-wise. You went to your manager. Every time they would go away, I would go away. And so then I'm coming up and I'm like, he won't let me do it. And the other guy's like, yeah, he won't let me do it.

I'm like, I guess we can't do anything. He's like, can you go back to your guy? You're star-crossed salespeople. But it literally just sets up the same game on them. I love it. Both of us are just at the mercy of someone on the other end. What if he said, do this on a cocaine, and he said, Crystal and I have to go check with our manager.

And they call the strip club manager like, can we do this? No, they call the manager at the diner. He's like, I don't know you two. The victim said they refused, that they were forced. Then one of the suspects demanded money from the man before driving him to a remote street, forcing him to strip off his clothes,

then dropping him off on a remote street, forcing him to strip off his clothes, then dropping him off on a remote road. You know what? A neighbor spotted the man and called the police. Dan, I say it's good. Like, this is a good moment of gender role reversals because, you know, he showed up to watch her strip naked, and by the end of the night, he had to strip naked.

Like, but what for? That's what I'm saying. I don't know if they got any money. I haven't said that yet. This guy did a ton of coke and took off his gloves. Do you think Crystal's in on all this? She takes a guy to a diner, has him friend. I don't know.

I'm not saying she is. So which parts have been confirmed by the police? You said that like they- Well, so far I think what we got is confirmed. Okay. He definitely had drugs But obviously they can't Confirm whether or not

He was forced And the other two dudes Do exist They're not like Yes Okay we Kaiser Soze it And like they were never there It was him the whole time

Just doing all this Hey I like Jeeps Let's go to a storage unit Oh I found a bunch of coke We shouldn't do it But we have to Someone's making us What do you know about yourself

You've never been Punched in the face A lot of that type of conversation Yeah yeah yeah I don't know Because I was like Really kind of hoping I I was really worried about the moment when Crystal turns and we find out that she's with these other guys. Because I'm holding on to this idea that they had some real connecting talks. Crystal's pure.

I know. At that diner. They really talked about a lot of stuff. It wasn't just somebody was sucking on somebody's privates behind a dumpster. They were sitting down for pancakes. At least not yet. Like a on somebody's privates behind a dumpster. Right. They were sitting down for pancakes. At least not yet. Like a lady and a gentleman. Like a lady and gentleman would.

Post Gentleman's Club. But I don't know what happens to Crystal because he's the only one who gets found, I guess. This is a dark road to start going down. Right. Literally a dark country road to begin with. Remote. Let's hope that she called a cab and went home. It's fine.

A neighbor spotted the cab and went home. It's fine. A neighbor spotted the man and called police. Quote, there's a man running naked going west on Bethel Road. Bethel. My grandma's best friend's first name. His name was Bethel? Is Bethel. Said one caller. He was going help, help, there's been an accident.

And this is the quote from the caller, who's the only person who makes good decisions in this story. I'll read the quote. He was going, help, help, there's been an accident and I wasn't about to go out there. That person was like, okay man, you stay back there. I hear you,

there's been an accident. I'm going to call someone for you. I'm not coming with you to find it. The only way I can help you is to be as far away from you as possible. He didn't do the emotional line of coke. I just read a good line that'll make people happy. Police were initially skeptical of the man's story, but they questioned the dancer whose story matched the victim's wild tale. Yes, she's okay. Is it crazy as it sounded at first?

It actually did happen pretty closely to the way they said. Said Sergeant Jeremy Lewis of Moore Police. I wish it would have said six. To me, I really wish it. I've Sergeant Jeremy Lewis of Moore Police. I wish it would have said more police. To me, I really wish I've always said we need more police. With two O's.

I wish you would have said That's what I'm saying, Dan. Said the lead investigator Robert Muller. Whoa! He's too busy. He needs to focus. This guy needs to focus.

Pull back, focus. I still feel like there's that gap. Where did she go? Once we've done the Coke, from the Coke to the running down the street, things are real loosey-goosey. Are you talking about the Coke gap? Yeah. The Coke gap.

The Coke gap, I think, also leaves room for some whimsical, fantastical adventure. Many musical numbers take place in that storage unit. Musical numbers of fairies and elves. Thank you. He could have gone and been a king someplace for many decades. Or even simpler, Jeep test drives. It could just be Jeep test drives. They're just doing donuts.

They don't say if they got him in a Liberty that day or not. Police assured neighbors that kidnappers weren't roaming the streets at all hours of the night, saying the victim played at least a partial role in what transpired. They want people to know, like, he kind of set himself up for his own kidnapping. You think? Don't be scared of jeeps. Right. Yeah.

This is another thing Sergeant Jeremy Lewis said. There were a few crimes committed, but a lot of horrible decisions led up to him eventually being found naked in Norman. Naked in Norman is one of my favorite. It's like the... Naked in Norman. It's one of my favorite. It's like the... Make it in Norman. It's one of my favorite songs. Be purified.

Arrest warrants were issued for Trites and Tullis, who have been charged with two counts of kidnapping and one count of robbery. So they exist. So many questions. Yes. And they were found. I guess the moral to this story is... Warrants are out for them.

If two men approach you in a parking lot at 5 a.m. or 6 a.m. I would say any time. Say, bring the Jeep to me. I'd say 3 a.m. I don't go to the Jeep. You don't go to the Jeep. If two men in a parking lot approach you and say that they want to sell you a Jeep while you're hanging out with a stripper that you just met at 3 a.m.

Outside of a diner. Outside of a diner, do not go to the storage unit to do it. Yeah. Unless you're ready to- Don't go to the second location. It's that simple. Don't go to the second location. Unless you're ready to rent some lunch.

That is- The first time I said this, you stole- I totally forgot. I thought the same exact thing. Never go to the second location. It's that simple. Don't go to the second location. Unless you're ready to run some lines. The first time I said this, I totally forgot. I thought the same exact thing. Never go to the second location. We already know that. Don't try to beat the system. We already know that rule. Right.

You're not going to be the one. This should be a whole ad for autotrader.com. Only do it online, guys. Yes, exactly. Don't do the line. Only do it online. Show me the Carfax. I don't understand any of the Coke facts. Are they. Only do it on me. Show me the car facts. I just, I don't understand

any of the code facts. Are they trying to do a takeoff of show me the money? And then why a fox? And why is there a fox when it's facts? Shouldn't be a fox.

Well, it shouldn't even be a fax anymore. So it should. I mean, it should be the car app maybe? Like the screenshot? I don't know. I think they mean facts

as in like the fact. No, I think they mean F-A-X. Yeah, I think because that's how old it is. Yeah, I think you're right. in like the fact. No, I think they mean F-A-X. Yeah, I think because that's how old it is. Yeah, I think you're right. Wait, how do you spell Fox? F-O-C-T-S? Well, if it's a lot of them, sure.

All right, that's story one. Story one in the books. Eliza Skinner is with us, and we are so happy she's here. Stay with us. More Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to DBT. That's Dumb People Town. We have a live show that we are doing at Sketch Fest in San Francisco Friday night, January 11th at 11. At 1030 at Cubs Comedy Club. Right before that, we're doing a stand-up show with Dan. And right after that, it's your birthday. And right after that, it's your birthday. Then right after that, it's our birthday. But at Bravia Cabaret.

So come see us do stand-up. And then come see us do that. Are you doing Sketch Fest this year? I am. When are you going to be there? The weekend after. Nice. People, stick around.

Yeah, come to my show. What's your show? I'm doing a Live Cool playlist, and I'm doing a— Which is your great podcast, which people should immediately subscribe to. What is it? Explain it. Me and a guest create a playlist for a specific life event, moment, or occasion. So we've done things like a playlist for a

goth wedding or a playlist for waking up and getting out of bed. Or the most recent one was a party for animals and ghosts with Aparna Nancherla. Nice. So we talk through the different songs that we each choose and that leads to a lot of conversation about life. Love it.

That's great. Silliness with all those weird topics. And say the name of it again. Cool Playlist. Cool Playlist. I love that. And what other show are you doing? I'm also doing Skinnerbox, which is my improvised.

It's like a combination of improv and stand-up, improvised music and stand up great love it second week at a sketch fest guys check that out

do you know the venues that you're doing it at or no don't okay whatever all San Francisco people we're talking to you now about ours

and then the next weekend go see our shows or anybody who wants a good reason to go google it and also she's a good follow on the twitters and on the instagrams

yes follow her both is it just Eliza Skinner? It's at Eliza Skinner for Twitter, and it's at eSkins for Instagram. I've got to get that changed. Really? I know. Can you change it to your name or no?

Someone else has it. I think for some reason once I got verified, I think like I can't, I don't know, I've got to get my people. eSkins is kind of cool though. Yeah. It is cool, but people don't find me. Oh, damn. I have people being like, oh, I didn't know you were on eSkins.

Damn eSkins. You guys want to do a second one? Let's do it. Before we do that, I will remind everybody that January 22nd, the Together Tour, my stand-up comedy tour, will be coming to Las Vegas, Nevada. Go to DanielVanKirk.com to come hang out with me in Vegas on January 22nd. All right. This was sent in by Jeffrey Alberghini. A-L-B-E-R.

Whenever my kids see an Alberghini they love those cars. They just love them. Every car he owns the doors open up like this. At J.J. Alberghini as I said A-L-B-E-R G-H-I-N-I

Alberghini is such a great last name. I'm so sorry. That is I want to use that name in a show. You want to be that guy's basketball coach. Alberghini! Pick it up! So many different ethnicities.

I want to say it's just straight up Albanian. And Italian. See? Alberghini! Maybe some that we're not even that familiar with the last names of. I feel like there's a rogue H in there that I don't even know about. Alberghini. There is.

It's G-H-I-N-I. Thank you. Wasn't that an airline? Alberghini Airlines? Alberghini Airlines. We flew Alberghini to Pennsylvania. Look, here's the thing. I do. Wasn't that an airlines? Alberghini Airlines? Alberghini Airlines. We flew Alberghini to Pennsylvania. Look, here's the thing. I do.

The Allegheny is the river in Pennsylvania. Yes. And it was Allegheny Airlines. And so what I think, though, in a movie somewhere, someone should say, can you please get me the Alberghini file? That's all you want? That's all you want. It's all in the Alberghini file.

We're going to write that. You guys are going the long way around this. Just read the Alberghini file and you'll know. Yeah. I found the Alberghini file. You did? Where is the Alberghini file. We're going to write that. You guys are going the long way around this. Just read the Alberghini file and you'll know. Guys, I found the Alberghini file. You did? Where is the Alberghini file? Well, I had to start a boiler room. Of course.

And rent out a whole bunch of stuff. Here it is. I got it. Thank you. I just can't believe that all these papers are still intact. Well, I thought for sure. Most of them are car foxes. I looked over. F-O-C-T-S? Yeah. In the People vs. Alberghini. Then all these papers are still intact. Well, I thought for sure. Most of them are car foxes.

I looked over. F-O-C-T-S? Yeah. In the people versus Alberghini. Alberghini. Alberghini. It's found for the people. Of course.

So obviously we're chasing it down. Are the people not Alberghini? Are the people not? I thought he was the most of the people, of all of our people. And then everyone stands up on their work desk. I'm Alberghini. I am Alberghini. I am Alberghini. I hope Jeffrey likes this. Cut desk. I'm Alberghini. I am Alberghini. I am Alberghini.

I hope Jeffrey likes this. If I cut, do I not Alberghini? Are you ready? Yes, let's do it. Father says bakers ruined his son's birthday cake with their, quote, pathetic decorating skills. I got to say, I recently had a birthday cake for my son, and I was mildly disappointed. Really? What was the theme? What do you think

the theme of the cake was? Fucking Fortnite. So Fortnite's on thing. I send the I give them a printed out photo of this stupid Fortnite llama and all they do is sort of silkscreen it and place it on top of the cake. It's almost like they put a piece of paper on the cake.

Can you eat the photo? You can't eat the photo. Because it's a sugar screen. That's exciting to a lot of people. A lot of people are like, what's a photo? Wait, did you want an actual fucking llama? What do you want on there? I wanted them to design it. No, what I mean, you could have gotten a llama cake.

I know it's Ralph's, but they should have done a little bit of design. Oh, there we go. Put a border on that shit. Put a border on it? Put an icing border on it. Come on. Who are you, Alberghini right now? I'm Alberghini.

Calm down. You got to be. Shane Halford. Put an icing border on it. Come on. Who are you, Alberghini right now? I'm Alberghini. You got to be. Shane Halford. Shane Halford. You know that he goes full name when he meets you. Shane Halford. Shane Halford, Central Hardware. Shane, we've met multiple times.

Shane Halford, damn glad to be here. Shane, again, we met a week ago. Shane, I know what you do. I hired you a year ago. Yeah, you know, but if you got some of these cell phone sacks, they would really help you out. Okay, first of all, no one wants to either want a clip or they want it in their pocket or their purse. No one wants a sack. You got to try a sack, man.

I'm not going to try a sack. By the way, Shane, sack up is not a good name for your company. It's great. Shark Tank's going to love it and you guys are going to go fucking laugh at yourselves, not me. Okay, Shane, this is a kid's birthday party. Stop trying to sell the parents. Shane Halford claims he paid for a special frog-themed birthday cake from a Woolworth's store in Tamworth, New South Wales on Sunday.

In 1984. Woolworth, you know, where you get your cakes. Yeah. Does that still exist? The frog cake does in Tamworth in New South Wales. So he's a British. The policeman, he's a policeman, ordered the cake for his son Mason's third birthday and says the store confirmed his request prior to picking it up. So he ordered it normally.

Yes. Are we going to do this frog cake? Yeah, let's do it. However, Halford and his wife Amy were horrified to discover their son's cakes look nothing like they expected. Unless it looks like a dick, I was going to say. Unless it's in the shade like a green dick,

they can't be horrified. I went down to the store three days before my son's third birthday to order the cake. I explained to them we wanted a frog theme as my son loves frogs, Halford wrote on Facebook. They told me it could be done. By the way, three years old loves frogs?

Can you really say he loves anything at three? Three probably loves a frog. No, Dan, we had three-year-olds. I have a five-year-old. Three-year-olds don't love anything. They don't love anything. They don't know what they're doing. They go through phases.

Dan, they don't do anything. They love Cheerios. And for short amounts of time, right? Yeah, they don't know what they love. Well, this week, this damn kid loved frogs. Okay. Fine, fine. They told me it could be done.

No worries at all. And he explained to them he wanted a frog thing. That's over-promising on the cakes thing. No worries at all. Right. You should be worried about a couple of things at all times. He wrote down everything. I guess that Halford—

She's saying no. She's saying no. I'm like, I'm still stuck on the how do you fuck up frogs. Yeah, that's a great question. We're going to get to it. We're going to find out. Halford said, entrepreneur, that he wrote down everything I said and said it would be ready by Sunday morning. I was very excited to see it, he added.

Sounds like he's the fan of frogs. When he collected— By the way, also, I added. Sounds like he's the fan of frogs. When he collected... By the way, also, I've planned, we've planned kids' birthday parties. You're like, are you going to get

the frog thing by Thursday? Great. Yes, we've got it. We'll get it by Sunday morning. Great. That's off your list. Yes. You don't say,

I'm very excited to see it. You're like, great, what other shit do I have to get done before this is done? I'm glad that's done. I don't have to... Thank you.

That's off the list. Now I'll book the clown who's supposed to look like a frog. The three-year-old's excited about the sugar. This is drugs for them. They won't care at all. So this is about, like, what do these other dads think? They think their frogs are so much better than my cake frogs. I gotta frog up if I'm gonna make this thing look good.

When Shane collected the cake, Shane Halford, entrepreneur, collected the cake on the morning of the party, he checked the box at home and was, quote, mortified. Mortified? By the result. Mortified is you're embarrassed. He's a bunch of frog vaginas. I'm going to show you this frog-themed cake.

Which, by the way, will be on our Facebook page. If you are listening to our podcast and you're not a member of the Facebook page, what are you doing? Mortified. I'm mortified. I'm mortified at you for not just— It's like I just opened a box and it wasn't the cake I ordered. I can't prepare you guys

for how perfectly bad this cake is. I cannot wait to see it. Dan, you're siding with this dude? In his mortification? What did he want? A frog-themed cake. For how many years? Three years old birthday.

It's a frog vagina, isn't it? It's a super sexy frog. It's just perfect. How bad it is. That is perfect. That's as good as the Office Season 2 writing. That's like some Star Trek Q puzzle.

There's nothing better than this. It's right. It's not wrong. The three looks like someone's ass. Can we describe it? Yes, of course. It is just a square green cake with a small green smiley face in the upper left-hand corner, and then slightly to the side and below it, the number three.

In green frosting. In green frosting. I'm green frosting. No frog anywhere. I would, if this... They've got the fancy swirl bunting around the corner. It is the theme of a frog, being that it is green. Look at just even the placement of it.

It's not easy being green cake. They fucked this up so badly. But I'm going to tell you right now. But they also didn't. If I open it, it's an abstract frog. It's like a cone. Shane Holford, entrepreneur, said that they wrote everything down that he wanted. And what did they tell him?

I'm crying. No worries. Dan, I'm crying. No worries. We got it all set. This is the best thing I've ever seen. I'm going to tell you right now. We could have a shirt, guys, that's just this cake.

Can I please? And it says on the bottom, frog cake. What is the journey at the bakery that ended up with that? Like somebody being like, oh shit, we have to do a frog cake. How high did they get when they made this? And they were like, this is amazing. Or how long did they wait to the last minute and go like, I don't know, it's a frog cake.

He's in the front of the store. How old is he? I don't know. Three. Okay, okay. Do it. Or maybe there was just like 17 of those for kids of all different ages, and they were like, oh, we'll use the three-year-old.

Oh, my God. There's a seven-year-old coming in getting the exact same book. It is so beautiful. This is what Shane said. I would laugh if I opened it up. Oh, I know. I would just laugh. I would be like, this joke is too good to eat.

The joke is too good to eat. I would not be mortified. I'll tell you that much. This is a quote from Shane Hofford, entrepreneur. They had this tiny little number three along with a smiley face all written in green icing. It would have taken five seconds to do, he said. I decided to just

ring Woolworths to see if they could fix it. I explained the situation but was told they didn't decorate cakes. So now they're talking like, we've never spoken before, sir. You've always run this hotel, sir. They're like, wait, what?

We don't decorate cakes. He's like, yeah, you do. Now he probably thinks he's going nuts. He thinks he's crazy. It's like that Warner Brothers frog. Michigan J frog. It's the Michigan J frog. Yes. It's the Michigan J cake.

When they call him back, he doesn't decorate at all. Hello, my right turn. Shane Halford said that the family enlisted a cake decorator who saved his son's birthday cake just 20 minutes before. Do you have a picture of what they saved it and turned it into? No, I have a picture. It's cake boss style. It's like a battery operated frog that drives a car. I have a picture of what they saved it and turned it into? No, I have a picture. It's cake boss style. It's like a battery operated frog that drives a car. I have a picture of.

You should watch baking shows. I have a picture of the family. I like them, but I don't have to try them. I have a picture of the family and you're going to see that Eliza's right. The only person who cares about frogs in this photo. Is the dad. Is the dad. Just based on expression alone.

This kid doesn't care. You think his birthday was ruined? No. There's no way This kid doesn't care. You think his birthday was ruined? No. There's no way. He doesn't care? You can give him a Skittle and tell him it's a frog. The only problem is he might choke on it. That kid is so upset that he's in a button-down shirt.

That's all he cares about. Right. Right. I don't even think that kid wants to be in that family. This is a classic case of I ordered something. I want what I ordered. I paid for it. I deserve classic case of I ordered something, I want what I ordered, I paid for it, I deserve to get what I ordered, and these people are like, we're gonna

fuck with this guy on the most royal level ever. Also, I'm gonna guess, there's at least one, if not a couple, better places well-known for making frosting cakes in that town, but this guy tried to what? Beat the system. Tried to game the system. You can't beat the system.

If he had any friend at that party who's in comedy, they tell him, leave this fucking cake the way it is. Leave it. You have been given gold. But he doesn't. He's a cop. He does not have a friend in comedy. But you know, further on that tip, you know his wife was like, there's a bakery right

around the street. Oh, is that your Welsh accent? Yeah. Pretty good. That's right. That's right. I come from England. I came down to Wales. But you're right. the street. Oh, is that your Welsh accent? Yeah, pretty good. That's right. That's right. I come from England and I came down to Wales. But you're right.

And he was like, no, Woolworths can do it, babe. Woolworths has it. No, just go right around the street. I double checked with them. With them. I fit it into my schedule. I was most disappointed with just the lack of effort. All of a sudden he's their high school football coach.

It's not that I'm not proud of you. I'm not mad at you. I'm just disappointed. You guys could have put at least a Kermit eye on this. Yeah, exactly. I'm sort of a tally. It seemed like they didn't even care, he said. It was a disgrace.

I will never be buying cakes from Woolworths again. Good. That's just what your wife said in the first place. Thank you. For sure. Thank you. Definitely. The post has since gone viral, racking up thousands of likes and shares on social media.

In spite of the furor, Halford said his son still had a great birthday party and enjoyed eating. Of course he did, because he doesn't give a shit. He was on drugs. They gave him sugar. Did your kid say anything about the Fortnite cake? My son scrapped all of it in front of his friends. To be the cool kid? Crumbled it up into a ball and put it in his mouth.

He ate the Fortnite. He ate the entire lamb, and I spent so much time reprinting it to make sure that the full thing got on the page. Grabbed it, crumbled it into his hands the way you mash bread up. To be a cool kid. Jason's son is 22. mash bread up. To be a cool kid.

Jason's son is 22. Halford said his son still had a great birthday party and enjoyed eating the repaired version of the cake as though he gives a shit. The Tamworth store doesn't usually offer a full cake decoration service. Of course they don't. See? That's right.

But is always willing to help local customers, said Woolworth's spokesperson. The team offered to attempt the decorations requested. So they're saying we did the best we could. Look, we did our part. That's what we consider to be a fraud. They're trying to make it like you asked for too much. Plus, it's Woolworths.

What you do, you get that cake, and then you go get a little bag of plastic frogs. Yes, 100%. You sprinkle those guys on top. 100%. Thank you. Nobody's allowed to put them in their mouth. It's a bunch of frogs. You can lick their feet off really quick, but you've got to give them back.

Requested at no extra cost. We're sorry to... Oh, that's the thing. They offered to attempt the decorations requested at no extra cost. He also wasn't offered to pay for it. I beat the system. You can't beat the system. You can't beat the system in the parking lot or in the don't cut a corner.

Don't do it. You're not going to beat the acceptance of the rule. Sheet cake is great. But don't go beyond what it is. And I bet that cake tasted awesome. We're sorry to have disappointed the customer with our cake decorating. Particularly on such a special day

for the family. We've been in contact with the customer to apologize and provide them with a gift card. I'm going to ask you guys, how much money did Shane Halford spend on that cake? Okay, here we go. How much did that cake cost? Is it in pounds or dollars? Yeah, exactly. I have it in dollars.

Okay. Yes. You can go first, Tig, or third. First, Tig, which is second. Tig is between us. That's the slot in between us because she chose to go between us when she was on this show. But I can just guess right now? You can go first.

$12. $12. $12. Okay. Jay says. Go ahead. Go ahead. How many kids was this to feed?

How big was that? I don't know. 20 people were at their house. Well, but we don't know if he got a big enough cake for actual 12. And I don't know how many kids there were. You know Shane. Right. Yeah.

Do you want to change? I'm going to stick with 12. 12 bucks? Go, Jay. It's a $30 cake. $30 cake. It's a $24 cake. And I would say, actually, it's a $25 cake.

It's $24.99. Okay. Family. I almost called our townies family. Townies family. Family members. They're like family. Family members.

Townies. Get your answers in right now because the amount of money. Dumb family. Family members, townies, get your answers in right now because the amount of money spent on this cake by Shane Halford, entrepreneur, was... Gotta get a phone sack. Phone sack not included. In the cost of $49. I told you!

You would have paid $12 for that. That destroys my beating the system theory. That's an expensive cake. I agree. I can understand why he was kind of mad. Ooh, maybe there were berries inside. That changes it a little bit for me. Yeah, it changes it for me too.

The total amount in the gift card offered to him by Woolworths to make up for it? $29. $18. Can we all guess? Sure. You said 18. You said 29. Yeah.

I say 35. $50. Oh. They're like, we're going to bump you up by a buck. They stood up. Dude'd say 35. $50. Oh! They're like, we're gonna bump you up by a buck. They stood up. Dude, they did right by him. But they also kind of embarrassed him. Yeah, but you know how when you do something wrong with a friend or a lover

or whatever, even with your kids, and you screw up, you need to give a certain apology. Like, you can't give a $45 apology on a $49 bill. You gotta go one before, and then everything is, like, now I'm like,

okay, Woolworths, you did your job. Yeah. You saved your little frog face. You admitted that you saved your frog ass. But I think that it makes the stink that he raised online

a little embarrassing because it's also sort of like, if you're like, hey, you know what, we're just gonna have a $10 limit on gifts this year. And then you're like, here's a $25 gift that's very thoughtful

and you're like, ah! Why are you doing that? You made me feel bad now. I got a mixed CD for everybody. Damn it. Story number two. But is it a cool playlist? It is a cool playlist. It always will be. Come on. Check it out.

We got one more story to go. Dan, give us a little teaser before we go to break. Some scary dumbness happens on the ocean. On the ocean as opposed to in the ocean. Maybe ghosts. There is nothing about ghosts. I'm way too ready for ghosts. No, we've had ghosts.

We've had ghosts in double time. But in your description. No, but the scary part. Scary in the ocean. I'm down for a ghost shit. We had a woman on this show who tried to marry a ghost. Well, I know. She did marry a ghost.

As a guest? No, no, no. This was like into the store. And yes, I know. Everybody who sent it to me, they're getting a ghost. Well, I know. She did marry a ghost. As a guest? No, no, no. This was, I used it as a story. And yes, I know, everybody who sent it to me, they're getting a divorce. They are getting a divorce. But we might get into it

on a future episode. Oh, let's get in on a future episode. But right now, we've got Eliza Skinner and when we come back, scariness, scary dumbness on the high seas,

it's Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We have Eliza Skinner here. All right, Dan, take us home, brother.

Here we go. Sent in by Joe Luttrell, at the Gentleman Joe. No idea if he belongs to a club or owns one. Sounds like he does. But he's a good dude and he always sends us in shit. He likes Jeeps. Here we go. I know, a Jeep. I like red Jeeps and I cannot lie.

Some other brother. All right. Jeeps and I cannot lie. Some other... Even one that I can't buy. Outside of a storage unit in the middle of the night that... Okay. I did a lot of coke in a storage unit and now I'm really high. Okay. Bradenton, Florida. Okay.

Braden. Tara Myers, T-A-R-A, says... This is a woman who always has tan lines. Tara Myers. Sunburn and then the whitest. Tara Myers has a cigarette unlit from the lips. It's a 100, definitely. It's like a Capri.

120 maybe. More one. It's a Virginia Slim. Virginia Slim. She's a classy bitch. It's just down, flip flops, flapping down. And she's got the lighter in her hand, and she's yelling at someone to stop doing something.

Tara Myers says it's one of the biggest lessons she's ever learned. I'm glad she's learning things. She never thought something like this could happen. This is also when someone tells you you can't make this stuff up. You can make anything up. People always say that in these stories, like, you can't make this stuff up. I never thought something like this

would happen. Tara, you did. Tara, you did, and you did. No, I never did. No, I thought a lot of things would happen to me. I thought I might choke on a beer bong. Nope. I thought I might eat a streamer of lights. What?

I thought I'd hate this cell sack. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I definitely thought that ghosts were trying to fuck me in my sleep. No. No, no, no. We've had that. Did they do that to you? But you never thought this?

They were trying. How'd you stop them? I started conversations with them and they got scared of opening up to me. That's good. That's good. That's genius.

But this I never thought. Never thought. Never thought. Well, the native Floridian grew up around water spending countless hours. I grew up around water. Did you have a lot?

Unlike most Floridians. Right, I know. That's what I thought too. I have grown up around water. Did you have a lot? Unlike most Floridians. Right, I know. That's what I thought, too. I have grown up around water. Spending countless hours on the Gulf of Mexico, but one day seems to stand out. You couldn't even count the hours. I love- How many hours were you at the beach yesterday?

I can't count them. It's too many to count. You were there from 12 to 3. Keep in mind- I don't even know what that is. Keep in mind- Count it. Two things.

Keep in mind that she has told you she never thought this could happen. And I just told you that she spent countless hours. By water. In the Gulf of Mexico. Yeah. But one day seems to stand out far beyond all others. Let me guess. She fed a shark.

October 21st is a day she'll never forget. Of course not. That Sunday, she thought she and her son might die. I've never been more scared in my entire life, she told WFLA8 on your side. And I fell down 20 wells. You fell down 20 wells? But I never thought I would be this scared ever. The 15th well you had to say, come on.

Well, you know, you get cocky. Yeah. And you think lightning doesn't strike 17 times. And then boom, 18, 19, 20. It was supposed to be a day like any other. There's a lot of hyperbole in this. One where she and her son Brennan, Brennan from Bradenton if you're following along, would spend time together.

We are a nautical family we spend time on the water all the time yet what I'm about to tell you she never thought would happen never thought I spend a lot of time on the water

they decided to enjoy the sunny skies that Sunday on Anna Maria Island you know that new movie Aquaman I thought that was about my son Brennan

cause he spends a lot of time in the water. So much time. On this trip. Never in the water. You don't go in the water. On the water. Get on it, yes. They added a new item to their list of beach supplies. Boogie boards. A giant...

Say it again. Boogie boards. A giant inflatable swan raft. One that gained popularity over the summer, seen at beaches all over Tampa Bay and beyond. Did a real swan try to fuck that swan? Yeah, right. Please. That would have been awesome.

He fucked a whole rod in it. He fucked it, and he was angry about it, which I have seen before, but never from a swan. Y'all think swans are nice? They're mean. I never thought I'd see mean swan sex in my entire life. Makes me think that English queen is right for eating them. It's a decision that's

left Tara filled with regret. At the same time, she's also grateful she learned a powerful lesson, one that she wants to share with other parents. She's warning moms and dads about launching a raft onto a big body of water. Yeah, you mean without an anchor? Dude, her son.

She and her son got taken way out. No, just her son probably got taken 20 miles out into the water. Tara describes how dangerous it was that day and how desperate she felt. You feel very small and can't be seen or heard. Totally invisible, she explained. She went on the boat. She says she and her seven-year-old son set sail on the swan. Set sail.

There was a sail on the swan? Well, I think that she's being figurative. I think she's drunk. This is the new America's Cup. Mama just needs to lay down. It's got a sack for the bottles and James.

Yep. You're supposed to put your cell phone in it, but I don't care. Mamas can fall asleep just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit. Just a little bit.

Just rest in my eyes. Just a little bit. You just stare. Brandon. Brandon, you work the mast. There's no mast, Mom. We can go, but so far. Brandon, you keep that neck out of the spot.

How far should we go, Mom? I don't want you to open your eyes. Just until we bump up against the side of the pool. Okay, baby? Mom, we're not at the pool. Okay, good night. Hold my cigarette. Mom, when do you want me to let you know that we were out far enough?

When Mama's cigarette burns down to the nubby, you let me know. Okay, because we're getting farther away. I know, baby. Okay. We're getting farther away from these problems. We just got to sail the length of a baby. Okay. We're getting far away from these problems. We just got to sail the length of a song. Okay. Mommy's just going to close mine.

Take me away. You left a note in there. Ready to make sure to drink, don't you, mama? I was just going to pee in this cup holder and just hold my hair back. What truly surprised Tara is how misleading the conditions were that day. It seemed safe on the calm Gulf water. The Gulf, by the way, is always safe. Minutes later, this mom couldn't believe what was happening.

The current carried them way too far. It was ghosts. It was like we was pulled by ghosts. Current ghosts. Several miles. Oh my God. Of shore. Oh my God.

I was not sure if we were going to keep drifting because land just kept getting farther and farther and farther away. By the way. Tara told us. And I left my cell phone in my shoe on the beach. Right. She knew she had to act fast. I couldn't call nobody. Tara began swimming with the swan, paddling as hard as she could with her body halfway off the float.

She kicked her feet quickly, trying to propel the swan forward. It didn't work. No, you are not. I feel bad because she's a hero. Yes. Do you? Yeah. I mean, look, just drop an egg.

Tie a rock. By the way, we've all screwed up in our lives. When you screw up with your kid, that is like, oh my God. It's very bad. You would take an anchor on a inflatable swan. Even at my family's little

shack of a cabin in Wisconsin, if you don't tie your raft on the lake to something, you'll end up down at Sharonburg's. There was little drinky dink resort. So on every level of every raft the lake to something, you'll end up down at Scherenberg's. There was little drinky dink resort. So on every level of every raft, I'm like, you better tie that down. You're going away. I'm like a teeny kid, so I don't know.

I don't know river rules. I swear, you're going away. You're going away. In anything, you're moving. Do they say that in the box? Are they like, hey, by this shit down get a brick or something probably or you'd be going away

I'd be surprised if this one didn't if this raft didn't have those little little loopy things yeah I have seen that I'm always like what's that for

a carabiner for some keys now you're tied down cause even if sometimes if you are tubing and it's only two feet of water and you're gonna

float down a river you have a time when you want to. That's your classic rock album though, right? Tubing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tubing down the river. That's where you want to stay in one place for a while. So that's what you need that for.

So she tries to swim, pushing. I imagine. So she's pushing. And also, I'm sure, I think we even get to this if I remember, trying to hold it together for this kid. Oh, my God. She does not want to freak out. Brandon has no clue. Right.

It didn't work. She felt devastated and drained. Go ahead. I was just excited about the shark. She felt devastated. She felt, I'm sorry, defeated and drained, realizing just how strong the current was. It is strong. I was just exhausted, and we were not going anywhere.

I was doing that for an inch, she recalled. Wow. Tara says she tried to stay calm in front of her young son, but inside, she was panicked. She wondered if anyone would see them. Ever. So this is like the Florida equivalent of hiking mishaps. Yes. Yes.

100%. Because I'm like, when is she going to saw her arm off? Yeah, dude. Exactly. And then use it as an oar. Yeah. It turns and not get anywhere. It works better this way.

Honey, I need your arm. Honey, I'm going to need that oar. Brandon, hold your breath, Brandon. I'm going to use yours. It's a game, baby. It's a game. Turns out beach goers

did see her going out to sea and began calling 911. Yay. When Tara finally saw a West Manatee fire, I just hoped it was a manatee. I know. Beachgoers did see her going out to sea and began calling 911. Yay! When Tara finally saw a West Manatee fire... I just hoped it was a manatee. I know. I know, I know. It's a West Manatee fire and rescue.

They were brought back to the shore by Sea Life. That's happened for people. Yeah, Aquaman, like all the time. Yeah, all the time. Thank you. I never thought that could be real. I mean, if it would have been killer whales that nudged her back to shore

and someone filmed it and it's now part of the new Blackwater documentary, I would go crazy. Outside of captivity, they're helpful whales. They're very safe. In captivity, killer whales. Did you know that since there's a whole theory that I only heard from Joe Rogan that people have this theory that humans, when we were training for world war ii fighter pilots would train their like air to ground shots by shooting killer whales and there used to be attacks on humans by killer whales just in the pacific northwest because they were like

you guys fuck with us too much no ever since world war ii there's never been another recorded attack on a human by a killer whale and they think that they're so smart that they communicate with each other. We are the lesser species, so we should not attack them. They'll kill us. Or we killed a whole bunch of them so there aren't enough to attack people anymore. Could be. But, yeah, the only attacks I've ever been in captivity since the 40s. Early 40s.

There's no orca, too. No. Or free willy. She said she felt exhausted. Oh, then she sees the Manatee Fire Rescue Boat with flashing lights. She couldn't stop the tears, filled with gratitude that she and her son were saved. I literally just laid down on that swan float and cried. Which, by the way, could have been just a Sunday for her.

Right. Usually I do that in the driveway. With a box of white Zinfandel. Very different. Do that in the driveway. With a box of white Zinfandel. This was very different. I literally just laid down on that swan float and cried so hard because this could have ended so much worse. And I didn't want him to know that I was scared. Did she cry as hard when they brought her back to shore and then took her son away?

I know. Child Protective Service. Well, we're going to get to that. This could be a movie also. Robert Redford. You're right. He pretty much made this already. You're right. When she and her son were brought back to the shore,

there was one more thing left to do. Pop that swan, baby. That swan had to go. Thank you. Her son, I'm about to give you guys a little bit of scene painting that is going to really affect. Tell you everything you need to know about her. Her son happened to be wearing a shark's tooth necklace.

Of course he did. Seven years old with a shark tooth necklace. Brennan, get those firecrackers mommy had from the back of the car. I'm the man of the house. So you like mama? You like her? Want to see me kick stuff outside? No, Brennan.

Well, she'll like you a lot more if you come watch me kick stuff. All right, fine. I got firecrackers. Oh, Brennan. Brennan, get out of here. Go down to the riverbed. Look what I can do. No, Brennan, leave him alone.

Brennan, leave that cat alone. Her son happened to be wearing a shark's tooth necklace. He used the tooth to puncture a hole in the swan. Later, bitch. Tara said she felt relief when she in the swan. Later, bitch. Tara said she felt relief when she saw that swan deflated. That's right. This really doesn't... It's not the swan's fault.

Well, this is poetry. But also, those things normally have two different air pockets, the head and the base. Right. So, did they pop them both or was it just the head being like... Oh, by the way, yes, you could have easily just pulled the thing out that you inflate it with. But he needed to murder it. Had to bring violence into it. Let Brandon do it.

He's mad. Tara said she felt relief when she saw the swan deflated, flung over the shoulder of a firefighter. Quote, he threw it in a dumpster, she said with a laugh. It's not funny and it's not its fault. It's not comedy and you're blaming the wrong thing.

You know, like one person would be like, okay, hey, if you don't want that swan... Wait, hold on. He threw it in not its fault. It's not comedy and you're blaming the wrong thing. You know, like one person would be like, Just like my prom dress. If you don't want that swan... Wait, hold on. Brandi, you say yours again. And then we're going to let Eliza hit that joke. No, you do your joke. No, you said something in the dumpster, right?

Yeah, just threw it in a dumpster. Just like my prom dress. Yes! Sometimes jokes are too good. They're too good to let I know. I'm sorry. Also, I just hope there's one person

who is like do you not want that swan because if you're not with that swan what are you doing you don't need a swan you just need a brick you just need a brick

and a string I'll take that man at the end of all at the end of all this Tara told us the next time they take the raft out for a day the only water

they'll use it in will have chlorine in it but they broke the raft and they threw it away the only water they'll use it in will have chlorine in it. Well, but they broke the raft and they threw it away. I know. So what do you mean? You're not taking anything out anyway. The only thing they'll take it out into is a bathtub. Yeah.

I know. To stop it from draining. There was, I'm going to, I guarantee, and I can say this because everybody's fine. The moment they both got on that swan, there was a second where one of them thought, I think we're moving. And they didn't do anything about it. She made it. She didn't want to admit it. But I'm glad she held it together for her son.

I'm glad she tried. And I'm glad they're safe. But people. That is a hell of a dumb story. And I'm happy they are all right. Of course. And also, though, she is dumb because she never suspected that could ever happen. That is the most possible that could ever happen. That is the most possible

thing to ever happen. She tells you I never thought this could happen and then proceeds to tell you how she spent her whole life on the water and has never thought about being adrift at sea. By the way, it's one of the two things that can happen. One is that you stay put. The second is that you go out into the sea. That's one of two things. I'm thinking she hasn't been on ocean

water before. No, she said she grew up on the Gulf her whole life. She said she'd been around water. That's fair. Around water. That's fair. We had a sink. There's a lot of above ground pools.

Fountains. We had a sink since I was five. That's fair. That's fair. All right, those are stories. There you go, stories. Eliza Skinner, thank you so much for helping. You have an open invite to come back and join us.

Thanks, guys. It was so fun. Everybody check out Cool Playlist, her awesome podcast. If you're in San Francisco the weekend after, I think it's like

the 18th, 19th, 17th, 18th, 19th, check her out. Sketch Fest. Just see her podcast live. She is awesome. And then check out Skinner Box, which I heard

from multiple people who have seen that show before in the past. It is stand-up, improvised music, all that jazz. You get to see this brilliant comedy mind

opened up and it's played out for you. And, oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down.

It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.