Dumb People Town - Eliza Skinner - Napkin Note

Episode Date: September 8, 2020

This week Eliza Skinner comes two town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. In the first story a man takes a passive approach to robbing a store. In the second story, a woman takes an underground water wide. In story three Eliza give a personal story from her neighborhood. 

Star Pains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Skinner. Eliza Skinner. Hi. Hi. to another episode of dumb people town population you population skitter eliza skitter oh my god we're so upbeat why are we so upbeat in this world in this dystopian world um it's that or completely prone just like lying flat and barely breathing yes i got two settings now that's it so we i'm glad you switched on to the super upbeat part because I do think this podcast does kind of, you know, it gets you thinking about stuff that doesn't have to do with the stuff we normally think of on a regular basis.

And that's what we hope to do with this podcast is give people that moment, that hour to recharge. Wait, I have a question for you before we dig into stories because I followed your, was it an Instagram story post or something about your drunk neighbor? Oh, yeah. Who was singing at five in the morning. Is it a really crazy story?

Because if it is, we might say, you might be able to tell us. Is it a dumb people town type story? I mean, maybe. Okay. Well, let's hold it. See, this is how we do good radio. We're teasing that you're going to tell us this story in the third segment, and we'll listen to it.

And if it's full enough to be a story, then that's going to be the story. Well, I was definitely enwrapped. And so let's hold that out for the third story. Eliza Skinner experiencing dumb people town stuff in her life. And she's got two awesome projects that we'll talk about in the second segment of the show. But do we think the world's getting dumber in the pandemic or no? Yes.

I think the world is unraveling. Like everybody, every person I know, like whatever option of unraveling they had, they're taking it. Going down, going up, side to side. Everybody's like, blah. When you say going up, you're referring to David Blaine

floating up over the Arizona desert, right? Yes. Living inside of a glass cube. Yeah, is that magic? Wherever he can park it. No, Living inside of a glass cube. Yeah. Is that wherever he can park it? No, he was, he held onto a bunch of helium balloons and then he just parachuted down,

which I'm like, is that magic? Yeah. Well, I mean, most of his stuff, I'm like, is that like even his,

his street magic stuff? I like a magician in like a fancy suit, right. With an unnecessary pocket watch. I don't like a magician in a stained t-shirt like shuffling up to people being like can i show you something who would say yes he did that to you dan yeah in uh carmel what yeah at a diner see that's what i'm saying that's what he does he i've never told you guys this story. No, come on, Dan. Come on, Dan. So he walks in and he's with a camera. No, he's with a woman.

And she is wearing basically a sheer tank top with no bra. Sexy. Right? Sexy. And so I look over. I'm like, that woman's breasts are exposed. And then I like. That's the trick.

I like. I like. There's no way and then i thought she was going to like put a scarf on to cover it and then she just started pulling one scarf out and it was just more and more scarves and scarves and scarves and scarves oh even his girlfriend has it right so wow is this your girlfriend oh it's your assistant okay so so i like that she's still completely exposed and I'm not paying any attention to the guy. To David Blaine.

Oh, that's perfect misdirection. That's what assistants are for. So that's what magic is all about. You look, you train your eye to something when something else. So you missed out. The woman who was, and nor should she be, but she was not. She was just showing the world what she got. Fine.

They come and they, and I mean, nor should she be as in, nor should she be ashamed. Live your life. Yeah, exactly. She goes and they sit down like two tables to tell my like, right. And they sit there.

I was like, wow, that was why that is early morning tits. Yeah. And, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

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and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and,

and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and honestly i wake up with them and they still are just too much it's a surprise you turn them on at like 11 o'clock right right you turn them on at 11 is that right yeah just that's that's for energy purposes she's trying to save energy for them i'm not used to a diner boob yeah so that early so uh and then i noticed how the corner the guy like gets up and then he starts like walking over to me. I'm like, oh shit, this dude like saw me look at her and I'm done.

And now he's going to be like, I'm not in the mood for this. Yeah. So he like walks up and I look and his face is not angry. It's if anything, it's very like engaging. Right. And I'm like,

I think to myself, a podcast fan. Wow. So you just skipped right over three-way in particular. As I have my whole life. I just got invited to be part of a sex slave and live under this guy's bed for two years. I mean, Diner three-way, that's my next album.

Dan, how long ago is this? Two years? No. So then I'm like, oh, podcast fan? I look up and he's like hey and i go hey he goes i want you to pick a card and then in my all of a sudden i was like oh you're david blaine but what he probably thought was never if you played it from his angle he walked in it was like this guy's checking me out yes he thinks from the jump he's like oh

that guy notices me he's better i better give him what he wants the table i'll go over and i'll put on the show like i didn't even know you were existed and then he did a full-on magic trick and of course everybody was like losing it and then i was driving back through big sir and i'm not joking the first five six times that I stopped at Big Sur, David Blaine would also stop there. So then I kept seeing him throughout the day. That was the real trick. Yeah, that he wouldn't leave you alone.

Wouldn't leave you alone. Right, exactly. My question is, does David Blaine, when he leaves the house, like you know how we leave the house with your wallet and your keys and your cell phone? If he forgets his deck of cards, can he not go somewhere? Right. Yeah, but that's every magician. Every magician. Where's my dubs? keys and your cell phone if he forgets his deck of cards can he not go somewhere right yeah but that's every magician every magician where's my dog carry cards they're all and it's like they're nervous they don't need um they don't need uh those those spinners those fidget spinners cards cards cards cards they're just constantly cutting them constantly like gosh i hope someone

asks me about these cards or i'll ask them if they don't the thing was when i said to him because i was like well i have to get a picture of this to like promote the tour or whatever yeah and so i go uh i go hey do you mind if we uh step outside we'll just get a picture really quick and he's like no let's sit down at this diner together at the table but we sit on the same side next to each other so we've known each other for years and then we'll have someone take the photo oh my god so the photo that i have is of me and david blaine sitting right same siding in a diner but did you say that did you say he's actually sitting across from me that's how good he is i actually put out i go catch me in my new opener on tour and i like

all these dates and that'd be where like is that david no put this it's on your instagram but also put it on the facebook page if you're a facebook put it on your new album so all right there's crazy it didn't happen is craziness abounding can we should we jump into a story let's do it you ready yes this was um sent in by jared miller at j radimus a r-a-d-i-m-u thank you thanks jared i appreciate it saint augustine florida a saint augustine man is facing second degree felony charge yep after he attempted to rob a circle k using a note on a napkin on friday That is the most low-key. Also, the word attempted will play a big role into this. Like, you haven't planned enough if your note's on a napkin. Right?

Yeah, that's a spontaneous break-in. Yeah, you walked in for a Code Red Mountain Dew, and halfway through the aisle, you were like, I'll just do a Code Red. Yeah, I might just rob this place. You looked at the guy behind the counter and you're like, I could take this. I could take this guy with a napkin note.

With a napkin note, I could take him. Napkin note. Khalil, Abdu, Habib. First of all, how do we not know this isn't like a guerrilla marketing campaign for the new Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure? Have you watched it yet? No, Circle K. Eliza, have you watched it? I did. How is it it's good yeah i

figure it's fun i really want to see it's all the bill and ted notes um you know it's it's it's a lot of nostalgia i i'm i was interested while i was watching i was like do people who aren't me like this um and also i like it someone we all know uh played a part in the production of the film dave clock who did all the posters for meltdown. He designed the t-shirt that bill wears, right? It's built. Yes.

Yeah. Bill. Yeah. Can I, can I, I was going to say, can I spoil my favorite detail from it? It comes really early in it.

Yes. Of course. Do it. So another person in it is a Christian shawl. Yeah. Yeah. So another person is Kristen Schaal. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and so she's playing the daughter of the George Carlin character from the first two. And her name is Kelly.

Okay, Kelly. Oh, Kelly Carlin. Yeah, Carlin's actual daughter's name. Oh, that's a cute little detail. I like that. I love that too. I'm going to see it. Tip of the hat.

See, this napkin worked, dude. This napkin got us talking about Bill and Ted. This napkin market. I wonder if I could show Bill and Ted to my son. I bet you could. I think I could. Is there anything crazy? The original one?

Yeah. Is there anything crazy in this one or no? Is this one push limits or no? No. For like a 12-year-old. No. Yeah, this definitely seems like- PG.

Yeah, you watch it with your family because it's like them and their daughter. Right. Fun for the whole family. I love it. Remember Fun for the Whole Family? Fun for the Whole Family

stopped in like 94. Fun for the Whole Family. Yeah, it was the whole programming block of Sunday nights, right? Yeah, Fun for the Whole Family. Stopped with like buffets. Come to a Circle K.

It's Fun for the Whole Family. Okay, are buffets going to exist in anywhere except in the Midwest anymore? No. Vegas? Vegas, Dan? The way they're going to do it is it's a designated server for every single station. Like a

carving station, but it's going to be that for the wings and the sushi and everything. It's all the pasta. Nothing's ever just going to be out to let the savages grab it, right? Well, one thing I've seen is having stuff that would have been in a buffet just bagged up into little baggies so you don't get to let the savages grab it right well one thing i've seen is like having stuff that would have been in a buffet uh just like bagged up into little baggies so you don't get to choose the amount but you can like i'm gonna take your baggie i'll take this so it's like a drug deal i'll take

i'll take it i'll take an eighth of egg whites but here's the deal now that we're bringing back to the circle k uh-huh are the rolling hot dog things going to be gone? Gone. I mean, they should have been gone so long ago. Damn you. If COVID gets rid of that, then you know what? It's done its job. Yeah, it's just a little like roach legs just sticking onto those hot dogs as it turns.

We worked at a snack bar at the Jewish Community Center at the pool. That was our first full job. That's the sexiest snack bar at the jewish community center at the pool that was our first like full now you're talking snack that's the sexiest snack bar there is a full snack bar the dopest my favorite in rochelle was the one at spring lake but are you guys talking like a frozen watch mccall it's or grilled like grilled cheese what are we doing so we did frozen frozen snickers bar frozen three musketeer and a frozen uh what was the other one? No, it was Milky Ways. Milky Ways.

And then we did Popsicles. Popsicles, fries. We made fries. We had to fry a litter. We had to learn how to make we had to get on fries. That's hot.

Which we covered in Lowry Season Salt. We did Lowry Season Salt. I got a huge tub of it right here. Exotic. It's the best. You think I'm not

from Rochelle, Illinois? I'm not shitting. I have an industrial sized Lowry Eliza that is Midwest exotic for sure I know

hey I'm from Virginia that's Virginia exotic you got it Lowry's and we used to heat up these hot dogs and there was one hot dog that we just

no one ordered and then it just we called it Bessie after like a bunch of weeks three weeks we kept it sat there

not to get all Westworld, I am watching the show, but it did go into its own loop. Leathery old hot dog that doesn't know whose memories are hers. It used to be a different hot dog. Randy's like telling the hot dog to take itself off.

It used to be a less confident more younger hot dog. This hot dog to take itself off. It leads to be a less confident, more younger hot dog. So this hot dog would, it would, when you turned on the rotator, it would. The hot dog owned the entire snack bar. All right. So this hot dog would, as soon as you turn on the machine, it would puff out and look like a regular hot dog. As soon as you turned it off, it would shrivel and get so small it would become ed harris all right a little apple doll yeah so okay so circle k guy walks up

with a nap right boom i'm gonna leo abdu habib raf sajani beautiful reportedly entered a circle k at 7 15 state road 207 around 1 a.m Add it to the dumb people town walking tour. Yep. Surveillance video showed him first grabbing a napkin from the hot dog kiosk, then asking the clerk for a pen to borrow. I borrow a pen. What do you need it for? I'm just going to look. You're going to find out. Yeah,

it's a magic trick. Don't ruin the surprise. Yeah, right. If I tell you now, it's not going to have the same effect. Spoiler alert. Plus,

it goes from a class one to a class two felony. So, I can't tell you. Hold on. He's then seen leaving the business, then re-entering and sliding the clerk the napkin. I love the part where he leaves. Because you know he had to go out there. How many drafts did he do? Was he asking himself, do i make money in all caps this is the

store robbery version of a stand-up comic doing an impression and spinning around and saying and it goes a little something like this i was i was thinking of it as like a a a student being like, and hello. I am. Hello there. It's me, Mary Toppins. You were just in here, ma'am. No, it's me, Mary Toppins. Okay, where'd you get that pen from then? I found it.

All right, fine. It's yours. Way to ruin it. You're more mad that they ruined it. Way to make me break the fourth wall. They leave the business. Or he does. Then he re-enters, slides the clerk the napkin.

Power move also. I've always wanted... We've all in a deal. Just slide it across the table. Right. I'm going to write a number down here. How does this sound to you? Can we start doing that more casually in other situations just for the feeling? I guess it would be kind of like douchey if you were ordering at a restaurant or something and you're like i think you'll find this order

very interesting yeah right maybe you can work with this that's how you leave the tip for everything just come here i want to talk to you for a second it would be really i like working here it would be weird if you said to a server like like a waiter, if you were like, I'll have. And then you point at it because you know they're going to say to you, the fish tacos. And you just go, but don't ever say it. Oh, that would get so weird. Oh, I would hate that person. That's so skin crawly.

I know. It's so controlling. It's borderline adult baby stuff. Yes. It's a little like, i don't want to say it wipe me um slides of course the napkin the clerk repeatedly tried to read the note and was confused this is of course this is the woody allen this is where it becomes i have a gub i under i don't understand what i have a gub is this is where handwriting is key or print also

writing on a napkin is never easy type it type it type it on the if you type it on the napkin you deserve all the money in there sure honestly if that that person's reading it you understand your own handwriting she had the napkin and the pen to begin with just ask her to write it down just like here will you take a note for me but i. But I bet you that Khalil is probably one of those types of criminals that somewhere watched an episode of Matlock or something and was like, if I don't say it, I'm not technically robbing them. That's right. So they're like, I can't help what you read.

It all matters how you communicate the threat. Possession is 80% of the note. If I write it in Wing Ding, it's only a misdemeanor. So he could have just as easily just done charades then. That would have been great. First word. First word. Sounds like ass.

Sounds like throb. Sounds like throb. Throbbing. You're throbbing. You have a throbbing. Sir, you need to go. Bobbing. You're bobbing for apples.

Sounds like bzzz. Right. The clerk was reportedly tried to read the note but was confused, which I also love. What do you want to say here, sir? And they're like, mm-mm.

I don't. When another clerk came by and was also unable to read the note. I love that too. This is so great. Brenda, get over here. Come here. What is this saying?

Are we sure that this note didn't just say, love you and then he got embarrassed was like never mind i'm trying to rob you i'm trying to rob you never mind it never works out for me stop don't let her read it don't stop just check yes or no uh so the other trick was the other clerk was also you give me all your money yes or no you made the decision i didn't rob you you collect yes you check the bottles no he makes one of those like things that you open up five times yes little fortune tellers or what was the other one pick a number pick a letter yes um when the other clerk came by was also unable to read the note that is when kalil grabbed the napkin and placed it in his left pocket

before exiting the store. So he left again. Screw all you guys. Yeah. You can't, it's not my fault. You know what? If you can't read my writing, then I'm not going to rob you.

How do you like that? I still say this supports my I love you theory. It could be an I love you. He's just so embarrassed. He put that in his pocket. He had another note in the pocket that said, I want to rob you just in case things didn't

go well. Right. He walked out and called his... A little David Blaine quick change. Pull out the other note. Take a look at that note again. He walks out, flips open that phone, calls his best friend Brad. He's like, this is why I don't put myself out there. That's right.

Oh, I did try to be direct. I did. I did smile. I wrote it down. Well, I didn't tell her I told you. Oh, I did try to be direct. I did. I did smile. I wrote it down. Well, I didn't tell her I wrote it. Okay, I'll take the mystery class on picking up women. Authority's located. No, I am wearing the boa. It's a conversation starter.

Dude, I negged her three times. I said smile more. I just even hate the joke. I told her she was the second prettiest girl in the circle gang. That's right. I gave her a weird compliment. I bet you came in a Ford hot dogs. Authorities located Rafa Shafani.

You like working here because that uniform is nicer than your clothes? Yeah. Bitch. Jerk. They located Khalil Rastafani and detained him. While doing so, he told deputies that, quote, he was the one being robbed of a heart. Yeah.

See, I knew it. Right. This is making so much sense now. You are so right. Arises right on. During the interview, he reportedly made conflicting statements. No kidding. that didn't match the surveillance video, including

saying that he did not have a cell phone to call authorities for help while he was the one being robbed, although deputies then found a phone on him, but no weapons. You gotta get way better at robbing and lying. You know how when you go into a 7-Eleven and the clerk tries to rob you? How many

times has we've seen that happen? It's why I'm scared to go in, but I'm so addicted to Slurpees. I just do it anyway. You can't help it. I know. I'm addicted to scratchers. I get it. Yeah, but I mean, most people call those crabs.

Exactly. Fair enough. Are you standing too close to the magazines? Sir, did you try to rob a Slurpee? No, they tried to rob me. Why didn't you call us? I don't have a phone. What's in your pocket? My phone.

Upon investigating, deputies determined that Rastajani was attempting a robbery. No kidding. He was arrested and taken to the St. John's County Jail. We'll get out of here on this. I thought you said St. John's Comedy Jail. We've all been there.

Yeah, for sure. You ever do a late night set on Saturday at the St. John's Comedy Jail. We've all been there. Yeah, for sure. You ever do a late night set on Saturday at the St. John's Comedy Jail? No, but I've been bumped. I've just asked them to commute my sentence. Okay, you two. Hey! That is wild.

Made it 22 minutes and 30 seconds about. I only did 15 minutes for good behavior. 20 minutes in. Okay, I'm going to ask the three of you before we get out of here on this. How old is Khalil Abdu Habib Rafshani? Here's what we know. He's looking for love in all the wrong places. He's got five names.

He doesn't have a pen. Yes, he needs confidence to leave and come back. He's 19. Okay. That's a good guess. Jay, what do you think? 23. 23 years old. I think he's 38, but emotionally

19. Because I'm going to agree with you there, but I do think he's 38. Okay. Before we go to story number two, take a quick break. I can tell you that Khalil Abdu Habib Rasajani is 46 years old. Wow!

Yeah. Wow! Yeah. Wow. Things have not gone the way you want. I didn't know the numbers went that high. Yeah, no, you can go that high. Yeah, he's the owner of a lonely heart and 46 years old. Yeah.

Story number one, friends. Two years younger than us. I need to say that out loud. Down in the books. Down in the books. Eliza Skinner's with us. She's got a new comedy album and another project coming out. We're going to talk about it on the other side of this break.

Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We've got Eliza Skinner with us. Before we get into her projects projects we have a couple things we

want to announce on our end uh number one we have tickets still available not many left yeah when this drops so we're recording this on a thursday and next tuesday when this drops my guess is we'll be close to 400 tickets sold for this 100 tickets left yeah live dumb people town with uh mike berbiglia and mike dodie and that's at eventbrite.com. Look up Live Down People Town. It's with the Nowhere Comedy Club, September 26th. So it's only a couple of weeks away. Get your tickets now. It's so much fun.

The Gaffigan one we did was fun. Eliza's done a live one with us. We had Gaffigan on it. And then the next week he just went off. Like who knows what could happen to Birbiglia. Eliza has done a live one with us and she was never the same afterwards. No, it changed you.

Absolutely, yeah. You've done every form. I spent it in the forest for a while. Yeah. Eliza, I think- I had to do a lot of thinking and rebuilding. I think the episode you did was at Moon Tower. With John Glazer.

And John Glazer, and we had a Greenlee, and that is the one where someone in the audience read a Greenlee with the lyrics to the thong song in it. And he wrote, remember that? He wrote two full verses of the thong song. And we had to guess whether or not he really did that. A journalist. Oh, yeah. That was so good. But you've done every version of our show. You did it in studio with us. You're now doing it on Zoom with us. You did it live with us and uh we're just such big fans of you and the

stuff you have going on but i'm very excited to hear about this disney plus show and your album so tell us tell us thank you and likewise big fans of you guys um yeah um so yeah what's going on with me okay so my disney plus show is called earth to ned earth to ned and it's a late night talk show hosted by an alien a big animatronic alien built by the jim henson company hilarious um yeah and we had like real human guests on they would these aliens came here to destroy the earth and then when they got here they found our tv and movies and we're like what i want to be a part of this they got distracted i love it yeah who thought of it and are you sidekick on the show or what are you doing no i was the head writer oh yes

this is my show this is your show what a great idea yeah i mean i didn't uh i forgot they had the concept they developed um a couple of uh producers Marwar Productions and Brian Henson. And then they hired me to fill in everything besides aliens hosting late night show. That's great. Do you get to do anything on it? Do you appear on it? I do, actually. I got to play a puppet on our comedy episode.

So each episode, they're trying to learn about humans. I love it. From these celebrities that they bring on. Just learn about human culture. And so on our comedy episode, they're learning about different types of comedy. And at one point they learn about roasting and there's a little roaster toaster.

A robot shaped like a toaster, but it only delivers roast jokes. Phenomenal. And I am the voice of the roaster toaster. Yeah. Toaster. Yeah. So who is this? What age is this designed for? phenomenal perfect phenomenal and i am the voice of the roaster toaster yes toaster that's so cool yeah so who is this what age is this designed for like would you say well it's designed i mean initially it was for adults right and then they were like there's puppets so kids are going to

want to be in the room the kids are going to want to watch this so then it was like it's for families then it was like it's for kids but adults can be in the room also so it's kind of slid around in in our from showing it to people it tests the best with um dads and uh tweens no cool dude i cannot i am a dad and i have a tween yes perfect to watch this my kids are gonna love this say the name again so people know no no earth to ned earth to disney Earth to Ned. Disney Plus. Disney Plus. Watch it. We need you. Great content like this.

And in that same vein, we always tell people where to go to get good comedy. Tell us about your new album. My new album is called Regarding My Lovers. And it's that. It's comedy about my dating life. my dating life. It's 10 tracks of stand-up recorded in front of an audience in Vermont long ago before the pandemic.

And then five original songs that I recorded in the studio. So did you record it at the Vermont Comedy Club in Burlington? I did. I'm so mad. We were set to go there in May and had to postponeone it. And I hope that that place is maybe you'll get to go there in May.

but I'm sure you had a blast. Yeah, it's nice. And the people who run it really care about comedy and they get excited about the comics that come through, which makes it easy for them to get their audience and community excited about them. Have you ever done the Comedy Attic in Bloomington, Indiana? No, but I've heard the same thing about them. It feels very similar.

I think it's about the like 160, 180 people. It's intimate and awesome. And it's great towns, both college towns, really cool schools. That's amazing. And then where'd you record the songs? Just in a studio on your own? In a couple of studios with the guys that I wrote the music with. They have their little home studios. Sure. Yes. Nice. So mostly that. But yeah, my friends, Tim and steve uh steve young oh tim young and uh steve scalducci so i love it and so that's out now is it available wherever you get records and and stuff

and itunes and all that stuff all that stuff oh my god all right regarding my lovers did you set out to make it that initially like did you have the plan no you so you put together your material and you're like okay this is what it's about yeah yeah but it's i mean yeah i well first of all uh like it's kind of a reflection of my whole comedy career where i'm like oh i can do this music stuff but that's not real comedy i should just do jokes with just me and a stool and a microphone um and so that's what i recorded and yeah i just i noticed that I had a lot of material about dating because that's what I think about a lot. And then as I was waiting to put it out, people kept asking me if there was music on it. And I was like, no, it's a comedy album. And I

was like, wait, maybe I'm being stupid. Why don't I put on the little extra thing that I do that makes me a little bit different yeah we're so smart so smart well i'm can't wait to hear it can't wait to hear it can't wait to download it can't wait to rate it and review it and uh all of our fans you should go check it out too if you want to everybody's always asking us what are you guys listening to what what new comedy do you have this is it go out and get it right now dude thank you all right should we jump in another story you're ready guys yes okay this was sent by andy greenberg at andy the g just like do it dude andy y

this is crazy a newark woman went for a long ride under the city of passaic during monday's flash flood this is back under the city under Under the City of Passaic. Which is an alt of Little Mermaid called Under the City. Under the City. I thought Under the City of Passaic was a Diane Lane sequel to Under a Tuscan Sun. Under the City of Passaic.

I thought Under the City of Passaic was the lost Bruce Springsteen album. That works too. I think it just sounds like a polite way of saying the sewers, right? Yes 100 what it is wait dan she drove it no she didn't drive okay hold on what is going on right right right under the city of the fact uh this happened during the flash flood so it would have been like the first week of j. She survived the ordeal after being shot out of the sewers into the Passaic River, a result authorities referred to as miraculous.

She got shot out of the sewer into the... It's like Raising Arizona where they're like birthed out of the shit river. Right? It's like those salmon cannons. Yes. Yes. Exactly what it's like. That's who she is.

Natalia Bruno. Great name. Natalia Bruno. Great name. Natalia Bruno is like, that is Sopranos to the hilt. That's my brand of spaghetti sauce. Natalia Bruno? Do you like the three cheese? Do you like the three cheese Natalia Bruno? I like the vodka sauce. Vodka sauce is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I put more cheese in it. Got it. I understand. Smart. Natalia Bruno, a driver for DoorDash. I'm going to guess not anymore. Where's my order she's under the city meanwhile somebody is like this place like it's just one cheese hey i ordered a strong imagine if you know she shows up with the wet bag like i've got it what about like that wouldn't be crazy because if you're watching the driver on the app they're like it says she's here like she's she's literally right underneath our house it's like it's it's

like when you're at lax and you're you get on the wrong thing so you're you're downstairs instead of upstairs you're at arrivals instead of departures she's like i don't how do i drop this off why am i under their house? I'm confused. Okay. So she was driving for DoorDash. She was in Passaic on Monday afternoon when she attempted. More like DoorSplash. Folks. And we'll be right back.

At Sklar Brothers. Where are you guys going? Yeah. Stay here with that one. Earth to Ned. Earth to Ned. Stop making that joke. Okay.

She was in there at Passaic on Monday afternoon when she attempted to drive through deep water near High Street and Benson. The fact that the intersection is Benson and High. That's a stroke of genius. That's a hat on a hat. Getting Benson with High. Right. But don't attempt. I don't care if it's going to take you five more minutes.

That's a cap on a vape. There you go. That's a cap on a vape. There you go. That's a cap on a vape. Don't attempt to drive through deep water ever. So now is not the time. That's that country song. Don't attempt.

Don't attempt to drive through deep water. Deep water's pulling you down. Yes. Perfect. Don't attempt, Tim? She tried to drive through at high on Benson's intersection street. It's crazy.

She tried to drive through, said Passaic Fire Chief Patrick Trentacost. There's no way. He's his own religion. Yes. I'm a member of the Trentacostal Church. He's a Trentacostal. He can't have Halloween. No.

Or an ambulance. Oh, yeah. He's a Pentecostal priest. He can't have Halloween. Or an ambulance. Oh yeah. He does not allow any medicine. He's a six day Adventist. Here's the thing. I tell my kids now, I'm like, when they want to jump off something high,

I'm like, think about it. Because if you go down, we're not going to the emergency room. You're going to have to walk it off. Is that true? Is that true? If they break an arm,

you're like, your fault. Bye. I'm like, let's not do the risky, crazy thing during COVID. Because I don't think we need to go into the hospital today. I'm constantly scared of some sort of at-home injury. Right. I got a paper cut from, well, not a paper cut.

I used just like a regular knife, like not a butter knife or not a steak knife the thing that's in between you know yes yeah and i was i was trying to cut some some cold butter uh and just saw it into my finger with that and so we we know that's that's a gross cut with a lot of blood and i was like we make it work you don't go to a hospital now. Your hand is like up for the next three days above your head. No. Right. Yes. That is our attitude.

Because you know that every like couple of years in the Ozarks, someone will jump off a bridge or a cliff and land in rebar. Like it happens. Like all the time. Especially by the bridge. I know. Okay. So.

So she's like, I'm just going to go through this deep water. Right. She drives to the deep water. What's the worst that could happen? I'm going to end up in the sewer and get spit out. Ripped through New Jersey on Monday afternoon, leaving thousands of homes without power and cars trapped across the northern part of the state. Bruno's car began to fill up with water.

Oh, my God. As the tide moved it toward a large viaduct opening. So she's now watching her car. She's in it and it's floating towards a viaduct opening. Filling up with what? This is like a scary ass movie fearing the inevitable that's which i don't think she knows or not fearing it enough she bruno escaped her car but the current pulled her with the vehicle into a brook that runs below the city oh my god meaning toilet water right right yeah

that's like i feel like you know when you see a sewer like that by the side of the road yes and it looks like it's big and you're like i could fall down there and then you're like no i could no i'm not gonna do that this is this is the nightmare version i'm sharing this with you eliza this is what she got her car got pulled down towards And then she's watching herself But this is calm water This isn't on that day This was raging This was essentially a ride at Action Park

In New Jersey This is Splash Mountain Have any of you watched that documentary by the way? No I was trying to watch it this morning And I don't have HBO Max You know how everybody's been like you do um no because i've got a roku and a fire stick yeah so it's not on hbo max is not on roku nope and on fire they did if you had a cable provider for the first month you could access hbo max and then they did like some overlap time but no it's only on hbo max

allison becker is in it chris gethard is also in it. What is it? It's called Action. Class Action Park is what it's called. It's about that theme, that water park. Yeah, Action Park. With all those accidents. Johnny Cumberton and Johnny Knoxville were in that movie. It's insane. It's insane. Yeah, my son used to look up on all the most dangerous water slides in America.

Oh, it's on all of them. There were like five of them there. This feels like that. So that's the thing. We'll put this on the Facebook page. That's what she is careening towards she tries to get out of her this is the outside version of the nightmare of being sucked into your toilet coming yes a hundred percent that's it this is like and i'm not gonna really worry about it oh no wait no i should yeah right so she gets out of her car then her and the, because she can't get away from it, are now curling towards this viaduct about to go into a river that runs under the city.

Is she thinking I'm going to die? How fast do you guys think the water was traveling? How many miles per hour that she could not, when she got out, she did not have a chance. Had to be like four or five miles an hour. Okay. Jay? I think 20 miles an hour. 20 from Jay? I or five miles an hour okay jay i think 20 miles an hour 20 from jay i think 12 miles an hour according to trenta cost police officer trenta cost that's right who also

has the quote when it floods it floods which is the most i've ever gone yes when it floods it floods it floods the water and when it rains it rains i know i think it's a different when it pours it pours when it pours it's raining uh when it floods it floods because the water was traveling at 30 miles per hour oh my god oh okay so she really didn't i was thinking this might be one of those another one of your gotchas no no she really didn't the only thing she could have but yeah the only thing she could have is not drive into a lot of standing water this is like that was driving to standing water natalia continued on in the rushing water until it reached its outlet above the passaic river near brook avenue when the fire department arrived

this was already over that's how fast it was. Officer Trentacost said, Rutherford Police Chief John Russo, yes, said the woman was shot out into the river, like literally like you were saying, the trout cannon,

the salmon cannon, arms down by her side. Of course, she knew what to do. Proudly looking ahead. Yeah, she stuck it. She then swam to the other side of the river and climbed out onto the borough's banks into a backyard.

Imagine that person. Imagine the person who's watching. Right. And she still has a bag of Panera like in her hand. Right. Is it yours? Did you want the Fontana chicken? Who ordered this soup in a bread bowl?

Sorry, this is how they gave it to me. I swear. Right. I didn't have your extra sauce. I'll go back. Through tears, Dan. No, she came out of that changed like she had done a live Dumb People Town.

Yeah, for sure. For sure. She'll never be the same. I know the feeling. That's right. We shot you out of that salmon she probably went on twitter and just started just loading into trump and she went the gaffigan a homeowner called an ambulance so that person was like hold still which took

natalia to saint mary's general hospital in pasaic or saint mary's comedy house however russo's report did not say she appeared physically injured, which is the miraculous. You went with your car through the sewer. You went with your car through this like aqueduct and then get shot into the Passaic River. She was stunned, Russo said. She was out of it in shock. She really didn't know what happened to her. As of writing this, the car is still in the canal below the street service.

I'm now going to share this. And late at night, sometimes children still hear it. Yes. Wonking and driving. To me, I feel like it is definitely haunted, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is looking down from a manhole cover at the car.

Oh, my God. So they just have to wait until it floods again. I guess so. It's probably stuck down there. Like, how do you get a car out of the sewer that's gonna be there forever that sounds like a setup for a joke how many how many alligators does it take to leave the door open yeah put out a plate of peanuts i don't know what i mean i don't know what it works it works, so. Put out a plate. A plate, not a bowl.

That's why it's a great joke. That's why you need to go listen to her album, because it's not a bowl. So they look real lonely. They look lonely. Scattered. You want scattered nuts. Sparsely.

That's too many peanuts. Take three off. Take three off. It looks too full. They look too excited. Eliza Skinner, don't let the peanuts look excited police chief john russo said that he was not aware of her current condition or whether she'd been discharged from the hospital as of tuesday afternoon all i know is door dash better pay for this woman's medical door dash

confirmed that she is a contractor although she's probably like no i quit yeah it was quote we've reached out to the dasher also she's like's like, just please call me Natalia. We don't need to stick on brand for your concern. I don't need to be called a Dasher. The name recognition helps us. We do prefer to use that. Any publicity is good publicity. They reached out to offer support during her recovery.

She read a statement which added, it will offer Bruno occupational insurance to help pay her medical bills, as well as financial assistance. Okay, I'm with you, DoorDash. I'm going to ask you guys before we get out of this. How far did she travel in the sewers before being shot out into the Passaic River? Now, remember, she's going 30 miles an hour. So with the car, with a car city in a flood.

So how long do you think she was in this thing? Half a mile, half a mile, half a mile. This is like the opening set piece to rat tattooing. I'm just saying, this is like the opening set piece to the fugitive too. Exactly.

I'm going to say four months. It's like halfway through finding Dory. Yeah. I'm going to say finding dory dash all right so hey what's wrong she liked that what did you say put the fucking peanuts on the plate and enjoy four miles take three off there's too many peanuts on it okay go ahead four miles is so long i'm not saying you aren't right but if it's four miles i think it's four miles that is you you have time to take inventory of your life no you don't four miles, you need to start using that as public transit.

Right. If it's four miles, you're bored at a certain point. That's just an option. You can take the two. That's eight minutes. I think it was two miles. Two miles. Okay.

Half mile, two miles, four miles. Natalia Bruno. Oh, God. Who went on the ride of her life. Yes, she did. Thunder Mountain. In the sewers of Passaic. That's a different story.

Before being shot out into a river. Was under the city with Flounder and Sebastian. Oh, God. For one mile. Oh. Good call, Eliza Scanlon. Nice. I'm going to the showcase showdown.

Showdown? Showdown. You're getting'm going to the showcase shore down. Shore down? Shore down. I love a good shore down. Yeah, well, when you're getting spit out into the ocean. Down the Jersey Shore. Down the shore down.

All right. All right, there you go. That's story number two. All right, when we come back on story number three, we are going to hear Eliza's crazy, like,

Instagram story, neighbor story, and it may be our third story, so you want to stick around and hear it. This is Dumb People Time with Eliza Skinner. Hey guys, welcome back to the show.

Want to remind people two things. Randy and I have a daily podcast or a few things. We have a daily podcast called Sklarbro Country. We also have a great Instagram feed that highlights that daily podcast. Yeah, so follow us on Instagram. We're at Sklar Brothers. Follow Eliza Skinner. She takes phenomenal pictures of her in masks about to walk her dog on a daily basis. And I love it so much. It makes me so happy. I'm like, okay. It's almost like I check my kids. Are they okay? Right. Do this right here. That okay. I check to see if Eliza's taking the dog out for a walk. She

is. How's the mask look? Looks great. Okay, moving on. So follow her. Follow Daniel as well. But our podcast is Scalabro Country, the virus edition. It's growing, which is really exciting. We've been doing it daily for now six months. Yeah. And it's really, we've never done a daily before.

And it's really a lot of work, but it's really been fun. Dan has a nightly show. The Good Night Show. The Good Night Show. Plus I have the Game Night Show. There's three dates this month. You could play bingo with me. You could play Jackbox and also camp games.

And Rory and I have a live Pen Pals on the 25th of September, too. So people can spend a whole weekend hanging with us. Dan, and then with us the next night, you've got Dumb Bill Don. And then in October, Randy and I are talking about doing a live Cheap Seats, perhaps at Now Work Comedy Club a brand new episode never seen before new jokes that we write a whole thing so that could be super exciting

alright let's get into the story because Jay you saw it you came across it and you were just like what in the world is happening so not only did I see it but like it wasn't you just telling a crazy story of something that had happened the night before you could hear it and you were in it. Please explain what happened.

So the way that my street works, it's like a little canyon. So the acoustics are bananas. When people across the street do something, it sounds like it's, and I'm on my porch, I can hear it crystal clear. And I'm on my porch. I can hear it crystal clear. But the worst part is that my next door neighbor, one of the units in the building next door, they have an outside porch close to my bedroom windows.

Not that close, but close-ish. Somehow, much like this tube in New Jersey, it shoots the sounds straight into my window. Salmon Canyon. Yes. Salmon Canyon. Yes. Salmon Canyon is what we should call the year where you live. So up in Salmon Canyon and Salmon Diane Canyon. No, just Salmon Canyon. I love it. It's the cream colored pantsuit of living situations. Okay.

That's what it does say that on my door i hadn't ever thought about that's why um so i have these neighbors who have just been awful since they moved in like nobody really knows them they they sit outside and smoke cigarettes yep like gross teens yeah all night night and day and the problem with that is that that's also where my laundry goes so like that's clean clothes that smell like they work in a bar in 2000 yeah i love those menthol dryer sheets yeah so but and they also they'll they'll stay up late like cool teens again um fighting and talking and like a lot of times they stay up late talking about how good they are at business,

which is getting drunker and drunker. And they're like, no, you know what? You just have to optimize. I know. No, but that's what I'm saying.

I'm saying when you didn't know you needed to know, but now you do. Yeah. I mean, yeah, exactly. And I can't tell if it's just two of them or if they have guests sometimes. If you measure it, you can manage it.

If you manage it, you can maximize it. Exactly. And so sometimes I'm like, are they staying up late to do business calls internationally while they're drunk or something? What is happening? They're part of the NXIVM cult. Oh, my God. Don't even get me. So sometimes I'll go out there and be like hey um

you know it's it's kind of it's kind of late and i can hear you in my house could you um could you keep down a little or go inside and at first they were like okay sorry and then they just started not responding at all and the night that i went out there with my phone like they'll when they're really having a great time they'll still be like singing drunkenly at four or five in the morning four or five in the morning yeah you should be able to hit them i went out and was like hey can you please please stop please um like the asking nice before hadn't worked i was like maybe be a little bit more forceful and it was just the woman in the couple was out there that time and i and i think i incited her by being a little direct yeah um because she started singing louder and

louder and so i was like how do i make this stop and i started live streaming it i'm like how do i what do i do what am i oh and this also was like at the beginning of um like the the very active black lives matter um protests in LA. May, beginning of June. Yeah. So I also was like, okay, I don't want to call the cops on them. I mean, I don't think there's a racial component, but I still am not

like hot to call the cops on anybody right now. Exactly. So I'm like, what do I do? What do I do? And I started recording her singing and then playing it back for her because I was like, like at one point I was like, please stop singing. And she's like,

I am not. And I'm like, I started playing it. And I was like, this is going to shame her. Yeah. She started singing along with herself. She was like,

my favorite jam. Secure yourself to heaven. Cause also it was all Indigo girls. I'm in love with your ghost. Galileo's head was on the block. Yeah. We're going many do. So yeah, and I finally stopped taping

when she was audibly barfing. And I was like, this is sad. This is sad. I don't want to record some barfing. That's her favorite song. That's her karaoke.

That's hammer and a nail. I'm sorry. That's seven years. Was's hammer and a nail. I'm sorry. That's seven years. Was that for the Indigo Girls live at Red Rocks? Yep. Yep. Yeah. It was bury my heart at wounded.

It was a cover. It was a cover. Jesus Christ. So you played it back for her and she still didn't. And she upped the ante. So how do you get out of this? How do you fight it? Well, I eventually, like the next time it happened, I was like, okay, let's go back

to basics and go back to asking as nice as possible. And I just went out and was like, hey, I can hear you in my house. It's kind of loud. Didn't even say, could you be quiet or could you go inside? Didn't offer them a solution. Just was like, I can hear you in my house. And they chilled out. No way.

What? Yeah. So I'm like, okay, maybe this works, but also I think maybe they're like quarantining someplace else now. Yeah. They're probably gone.

You're like, maybe I, cause nobody ever sees them. That's right. And there are people who live above them. So if I can hear them, right. What are they doing here? Well, they've lived there for a really long time and have low rent. And there are people who live above them. So if I can hear them, these people must be here.

Well, they've lived there for a really long time and have low rent. And so they're scared of calling their landlord and having them be like, oh shit, we forgot you lived there. You need to pay us more money every month. Yeah, you guys, we're going to up your, oh my, I can't believe it. Because there's really not, one time I was, so when my wife lived in the Lower East Side, when we were just dating in new york she lived in her window to her bedroom went like out into like a sort of opening

where a bunch of different apartments like opened up in there like a courtyard kind of very rear view feeling right this is how old i am someone at two in the morning was typing like on a typewriter that like you could hear through the entire like echoing off everything. And it's two in the morning and I just want to get some sleep. And I was like, you got it. I turned, I said to my then at the time, girlfriend, I was like, you got to do something. And she just like stood up on her bed and out her window was like, would you please stop typing? And you just heard. And then that was it.

That was it. Yeah. That was the thing that really kept baffling me. Cause this would happen. I mean, it would happen multiple times a week. And I was like, if anybody ever told me that I was so loud, I was disturbing someone and I didn't know it.

I would be mortified. Let alone if there were people that i lived around that i would be like oh now when my house gets set on fire i'm not going to be able to wait for the fire people in your living room right that's where i go to no but i mean no i'm the same way it's crazy because that is a certain level of like also we're all home nowadays so be cooler because they're just people are around more like you can't do that because you got to be more respectful. It's just shows a tremendous lack of respect. I mean, I wish they would have been singing something good.

You know what I mean? Like that's the other. They did some like early tracks that were okay. Okay. When it was like newer stuff, I'm like, you know what? I don't want to hear their experimental you should sing the encores you should send the videos to the indigo girls oh my god you should send the videos what you did look at what you created you owe me an apology that'd be great yeah some people online were like this is really sad and i'm like

i she is loving it is the problem she's not like weeping singing she's like living for the stars I'm not shaming her if you ask her I'm glorifying her it's only sad for you it's sad because you don't have an easy solution that's who it's sad for that's a great fascinating there you go that's the third story I love it we started nobody stole a go-kart or anything that's even better they stole my heart how great would it be if at the very end of that story david blaine knocks on your door and is like would you like me to remove these people and then boom they disappear what yeah this was all the setup he started with dan and carmel girlfriend he started with dan and carmel and then he finished it off with you

hilarious i mean salmon canyon I would want so badly, if David Blaine ever approached me and asked me to pick a card, I would want so badly to big time him and be like, I'd rather not. But I do love magic. I know, you go along. Trust me, you go along. If David Blaine asked me to pick a card,

I would say your American Express card. I'll take that one. I'll take that one. All right so do you have diner's club i bet he does or discover i bet he only uses discover sure he's just got a pocket full of other people's credit cards and he's stolen but never uses it's just a power move yeah it's just to get it it's all it's not about using it it's just about the getting it just so people have to cancel like wait all these people are canceling and you just hear American Express. Did you just see David Blaine do me as

a yes, I did. As a matter of fact, I did. It was pretty amazing. He's not going to use it, but it's a good idea to cancel it anyway. I would just cancel because we don't know if he's going to cut him up because what happens is David Blaine cuts up the cards and then he puts them in his pocket. He pulls them out and they're back together again. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

He can't stop doing tricks. All right. So the show is Earth to Ned and it's on Disney Plus and I can't wait to see it. It's already premiered. I want to make sure it's out. Yeah, September 4th it premiered.

Oh, I love it. My kids are going to love this show and I love it. And your album so that people can get it one more time. Regarding My Lovers. That's it. Regarding My Lovers.

Eliza Skinner, we love having you on this show so much and I love that you're a friend of this show. Always. Open invite. I's it. Regarding my lovers. Eliza Skinner, we love having you on this show so much. And I love that you're a friend of this show. Always. Open invite. I love it. Yay. I love hanging out with you guys.

It's real fun. It's the best. It actually makes us feel good in this crazy ass time. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb