Dumb People Town - Emotional Support G.O.A.T.

Episode Date: February 4, 2020

This week Dan, Jason and Randy welcome actress and podcast host Alessandra Torresani to town. In story 1, a car is stolen from an Adult store with a passenger and his unusual pet. In story 2, a bodybuilder is ready to marry his girlfriend after getting her plastic surgery. In story 3, a Tesla owner finds an way to eliminate the need for car keys. 

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population here. Population Torrasani! Yes, hi guys. Alessandra Torrasani. Yes. Hi guys.

Alessandra Torrasani. Welcome to the show. Thanks. I'm really nervous. Why? You're going to be awesome. Alessandra Torrasani. This isn't supposed to be like really dirty but I'm going to go there but I listen to you guys when I'm in the bath because it's very relaxing. It is very relaxing. That's great. That's not dirty. You just light some candles while you're journaling. You made it dirty.

You were getting clean. Yeah I was getting clean. You were getting clean. Yeah, I was getting clean. You were getting clean. We are here to help you get clean. This is good bath time listening. No, because it's fun. It's relaxing. I love it. You can listen to one story.

You don't have to commit to the whole episode at one time. Right. It's modular. Thank you. You have an unbelievable voice. Thank you. Your voice is fantastic. It is fantastic.

It is enjoyable. So now we add this voice into your bath mix. And then it gets really romantic. It is just, guys, if you're not taking a bath right now. It's like we just poured a bunch of beads in the tub. What are you doing? When's the last time you guys took a bath? Dan, don't think I'm not glossing over your Alexander Hamilton

of her name. Oh, thank you. Alessandra Taurasani. Her name is Alessandra Taurasani. And there's a million things she likes to find. All right, so last time I took a bath was a couple weeks ago. Really? Yes.

Do you do it to relax? Like, what is the vibe? I did it because I wasn't feeling great and I was feeling like cold and I took a warm bath and laid like a washcloth. Towel over your boobs? Yeah, on my boobs. And just some chamomile tea. And I was lactating. Did you listen to music?

Did you have spa stuff going on? No, I didn't have spa stuff. I did not have spa stuff. Just did a soak. Just did a soak. It felt so good. You basically just sat in water. Do you ever go to Korean spas or Russian banyas and do the cold soak?

I want to. No. Cold soak? Yeah. Cold soak? Yeah. Okay, so the cold, do you go hot and then into the cold? Yeah, and back and forth three times.

Into a plunge pool. Well, here's the thing about the cold. I can't, if you move around in a cold, it gets way colder. You just have to like stay very still. How long do you stay in the cold? You're supposed to stay at least a minute. I last like 30 seconds. Yeah, I can't do it.

Whoa, dude. But I get myself so hot where I can't even breathe and I feel like I'm going to faint, so it feels good. Then you need the cold. All right, I love this. I love it. We're learning stuff here. We're learning so many new things. We're getting smart.

So we're getting smart when it comes to bathing rituals, but now we're going to get into the world of dumb. And we ask the question, why is the dumb? We don't say that's dumb. We say, why is that dumb? And I don't know if you believe or feel that the world's getting dumber. Or louder. Well, definitely

louder because I'm in it. But do I think that people are getting dumber? I don't know. I don't know. I have mixed views about it. I have mixed views. I like that. See, my thing is I think it's never been more okay to be dumb, though. 100%.

I think it's okay for children to be dumb now. And adults. Because you're on your phone. I've never seen so many. I know that who has kids here? We do, except for Dan. Not that I know of.

But do you notice that kids are more often on their phones than not now? Yeah, totally, yes. And I think that sometimes that's not the most awesome thing. No, and it definitely does not make you smarter to do that. You know certain things, but there are a lot of things you don't. You're just like, I don't need to know that. I'll just look it up. Right. It's like, I don't need to know that. I'll just look it up. Right.

It's true. I don't have to know. Alexa, I was doing homework with my 12-year-old the other day and she had a question for me to help her.

She was doing her homework and I was there to help her. And she was doing it and she was like, Alexa, I'm like, it's me. Alexa,

can you help me with this? I was like, I'm your dad. My name isn't Alexa. Could Alexa help you with your homework? Yeah, I mean, I guess she could. Dad, can you set a timer? No, I can't set a timer. This is my six-year-old. This is how much Alexa is in the room.

Dude, AI's taking over. It's taking over. So she was like, Dad, come here. Come next to me. And I went all the way over to her. She whispered in my ear, So she was like, Dad, come here. Come next to me. And I went all the way over to her. She whispered in my ear and she's like, I want to play music from the computer, not from Alexa. She didn't want Alexa to hear her. She didn't want her to hear me telling you that we're going to go to the computer.

Alexa has no feelings. How upset do you think people are that have the name Alexa? So upset. We have a cousin named Alexa. Is she upset? I just, every day I'm like, can you set a 20 minute timer for me? We're trying to cook this rice.

Dan, let's get into a story right now before we even get. Okay. This was sent in by Joe Gunderson. What a name. Big Joe Gunn. I love that. Big Joe Gunn.

Gunderson's. That's a character from Fireball. Right out Big Joe Gunn. Gunderson's. That's a character from Fireball. Right out in Bemidji. Gunderson's, yeah, that's a complete Midwestern. Such a Midwestern. Midwestern, northern Minneapolis. Well, we live next door to the Gunderson's. We don't see much

from the Gunderson's. And they have a house fire, but it wasn't their fault. Where's he from? This is just the guy who sent in the story. Ray Gundersen. Let's say he's Fargo. I saw him clearing brush last Friday.

He is so false. Oh, don't you know? I just cannot. I have a friend from Wauwatosa, Wisconsin, and she's like, Alessandra, I just cannot right now. I can't. And she cannot.

I can't. I just spent all day arguing with the Gundersons. I can't do it. We were eating dinner at Red Robin and they bring you all the fries you want. I said don't stop until we explode. You know they got a new store tomorrow

where it's a whole bunch of signed autographs from Packers. Oh yeah? Packers. You gotta claim Matthews there? It's a whole bunch of signed autographs from Packers. Oh, yeah? Packers. Packers. Yeah, they sign them. You got to claim Matthews there. Oh, yeah. I like him in his hair. And you know what comes with that one?

A lock of his hair. Normally, I don't like men with long hair. I don't trust them, but I like him. Well, you like Thor. You told me you like Thor. And you like Jesus. Oh, Jesus Christ. You're right.

I do like a white man with long hair. Hey, come on. All right. Here we go. Carjacker on meth abducts man and his pet goat from adult store. Everyone's at fault here. That's just the headline. Everyone is at fault.

That's just the headline. But he's a carjacker, but he took this guy from a store? In his car. Yeah. Oh, okay. A man was arrested after carjacking a truck from outside an adult store with a man and his pet goat inside. If you are bringing your pet goat to an adult store, expect it to be stolen.

But it could be your emotional support animal, so what are you going to do about it? Emotional support goat? Your emotional support goat. You know what he supports? My balls. By the way, we are now allowing people to take animals everywhere. This is a bit that we do in our stand-up.

We've crossed a threshold and there wasn't a big revolutionary moment. They just snuck this thing in on us. There was a time we say this in our stand-up five years ago if you walked your dog too close to the opening of a restaurant like the front door of a time, we say this in our stand-up, five years ago, if you walked your dog too close to the opening of a restaurant, like the front door of a restaurant, they were allowed

to put that dog to sleep. That's right. Because that threatened their A rating. Now you can carry a dog, a freaking chihuahua in a Baby Bjorn through a salad bar. Yes. And if anyone looks at that person and says, hey, what are you doing? You're the asshole. Well, I feel like I'm a trend center. No big deal. Because

I have had my dog for 12 years. And for all 12 years he's been flying with me. Okay. So you're the problem. I am the problem. No, no, no, no. You're the forebearer. You are a forefather. You are a pioneer. I don't mind seeing a dog on a plane. A dog on a plane is okay.

Yes, and he was very well behaved. He could sit in a sound studio and not be twice. Dogs in a restaurant. Right. What are we doing? That's a health violation. But that's a very European thing. Like if you go to Europe.

Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah. But still, are we going to like parrot on the shoulder at Popeye's Chicken? So this guy was like, I got to go to the adult store. With my goat. Come on. Two men stopped in an adult store an early Wednesday. The driver of the pickup truck

went inside the store while the passenger and his pet goat remained in the truck, ultimately falling asleep. How long is that guy in that adult store? Well,

what time is this at? Come on, Jeff. Let's go to the adult store. For what? Let's go to the adult store. You mean the internet? No, the actual adult store. How long are we going to be in there? I'm not going to be in Jeff. Let's go to the adult store. For what? Let's go to the adult store. You mean the internet? No, the actual adult store. How long are you going to be in there?

I'm not going to be in there. I think that's the best part of this whole story is that he's still going to the adult store. Because the adult store is Amazon. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's like Lion's Den in Wisconsin.

There's one called Naughty and Nice. I know. But this, to me, is like, how long are you going to be in there? Because me and the goat got to get home. A couple minutes. Not long enough for you to take a nap. If you're in there for a long time, I'm going to fall asleep. And so will he.

He's beat. He's tired. Then why did you bring him? He wanted to come. He didn't want to come. I wonder if it was like a tiny goat, you know, like those pygmy goats. You sure you want to come?

Or if he's been working early. That's a lot of brothers. So you're talking about like a tiny little Shetland goat, like a baby goat. Yeah, the pygmy goats. Pygmy goats that you could put into a large purse. I'm not saying this man would have a purse. You actually could put them in a big bag.

Yeah, they're kind of the cutest things in the world. In a Birkin bag. I may or may not want one. Someone please get her in a big bag. Yeah, they're kind of the cutest things in the world. In a Birkin bag. I may or may not want one. Someone please get her a Birkin bag. She's going to an adult store now to look for one. That's smart. Two guys pull into the adult store parking lot. Sounds like the beginning of a joke.

And then, I know, one has a baby goat. One guy goes in. This is the beginning of a joke. Goat and other guy fall asleep, right? Right. That's when police say brandon kirby jumped into the truck and took off allegedly taking meth as he drove the passenger away he was doing meth while he was driving as he's driving away meth one thing about meth they say it allows

you to multitask so he is doing a lot of things he's keeping the goat safe. Now, are they in the back cab, he and the goat? Or is there a front cab? Like a flatbed kind of a thing? No, no, no. Because sometimes there's a front seat and a back seat of the cab in the front. I have no idea. Oh, this was a cab. No, no, no.

The cab is the front part of a pickup truck. You know what you're saying. That's the term. That's right. Wait a second. So is this the greatest goat of all time? Is this the greatest of all time? Stop.

This goat. I'd be saying that all the time. This goat is the goat. Who's home state? We're only a little bit into this, but I want to do it now. Oklahoma. Who's home state did this happen in? You were California born.

Yeah, I'm going to say Oklahoma. And I was Illinois. And the Sklars are Missouri. So who's home state did this happen in? You were California born. Yeah, I'm going to say Oklahoma. And I was Illinois. And the Sklars are Missouri. So whose home state did this happen in? California. Actually, I'm not guessing. Yeah. California, Missouri, or Illinois?

I'd say California because there's a guy in Hollywood that walks his goat. So I wouldn't be surprised. I saw him on New Year's Eve. Also, there's the San Joaquin Valley. This could happen in Bakersfield. Are you going California too? Yep, I am. Okay. Jasonin Valley. This could happen in Bakersfield. Are you going to California, too? Yep, I am. Okay.

Jason? Missouri. Missouri? Yeah. Okay. The home state of one of us that this story is taking place in is Missouri. Yes! Missouri loves company.

Yes. Wait a minute. But I skipped over this so that people wouldn't know. The man was arrested in Oklahoma. There you go. Oh, you knew. That's amazing. He was arrested in Oklahoma.

Meth took him on a drive. Very impressive. But it starts in Missouri. Yeah. Kirby drove through parts of Kansas, Missouri, and Oklahoma, occasionally striking the victim while he's driving. Wait, which victim? Not the goat.

Not the goat. We don't know. We don't know. This story would not be in here. Oh, right, because you guys are good to animals. Yeah, we're good to animals and babies. So he carjacked, stole a guy and his goat, and started doing meth and hitting him as he was driving.

Yes. Doesn't that seem impossible? I mean- It's kind of amazing. It's kind of a skill because to be on meth, to drive, to know there's a goat in the back, there's a person and you're hitting him. Like, that's...

And to continue doing meth. Thank you. Full functioning. The victim told police Kirby eventually let him and the goat go. What did the guy say? The guy was like, one of you has to stay. You let the goat go. What do you do with that? Because if you let the goat go, now the goat's abandoned nice. One of you has to stay. You let the goat go. What do you do with that? Because if you let the goat go, now the goat's abandoned somewhere.

Or the goat's living his best life out in Oklahoma. Right. Yeah, maybe he's finally out. Just like, thank God. The goat gets out of the car. Didn't we say that when you're flying on an airplane and right as you're about to leave, a fly flies into the plane? What?

Yeah, you guys used to say that. And then you say it's in New York, and then you land in LA, and then the door's open. Oh, you guys used to say that. And then you, like, let's say it's in New York and then you land in LA and then the door's open and the fly is like, wait, now I have to make all new friends. All new fly friends.

I didn't want to be here. Now I'm in, like, a warmer climate. I understood. That's actually really funny to think about. That's also the great start to an animated movie.

Yes. Come fly with me. No Fly Zone. Come fly with me is pretty good. No Fly Zone. Yeah, Animated Movie. Yes. Come Fly With Me. No Fly Zone. Come Fly With Me is pretty good. No Fly Zone. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. I said he drove through Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma.

The victim told police he let him and the goat go, dropping them off on the side of a road in Sand Springs, Oklahoma. KOKI reported. He called 911, then reported the truck missing to OnStar, according to the outlet. OnStar's still a thing. I can't believe it. They still employ people who sit at desks with them. And those people have been sleeping for like

two decades. They wake up, they unlock a Chevy Tahoe, and then they go back to sleep. We'll send someone right out. I had OnStar for a bit. You did? Yeah, I did.

Did you use it? I did it when I had my first car when I got my license, and I would just go and say, hey, what's going on? Now you do. Yeah, just to talk with them sometimes. That's cool. Yeah. OnStar's representatives were able to slow the car's speed to 15 miles per hour. That's cool. Yeah. On Star's representatives were able to slow the car's speed to 15 miles per hour. That's terrifying.

I know, because now that's some enemy of the state stuff. Isn't that amazing that they can control the eagle eye? It's terrifying. Was that the movie with Shia LaBeouf and Will Ferrell, where technology everywhere could control everything that was happening? No, but that is that moment where you're pushing the shopping cart at a grocery store. And it stops when you go out the door. Who did that?

Yes, God. Who did that? God. On star. On star. Right. There's so many people in this country who think that's magic. Yeah.

Yeah. Magic's real. Magic's real. Stop it. Bill Gunderson thinks it's real. Every time I leave the Publix, I put the spell on the cart, and I can't get any farther. Bill Gunderson drove his car right into the front of Pump. Did you hear that?

He was so mad about the Super Bowl. Yeah, he was freaked out of the cart. Oh, you're out of goat cheese balls? I'll show you. How did his goat fare in that crash? He said he was going to go after Tom Tom next. Oh, God. All right.

Okay. Stop with your knowledge of that. Don't ever stop, Jay. You love Vanderpump as long as you love him. Tom Sandoval is from St. Louis. Tom Schwartz is from heaven. And Tom Sandoval is from St. Louis, and I guarantee you he acts like he doesn't know who we are.

No. He's so cool. Have you met before? No. I met him. I guarantee he knows who you are. He loves St. Louis. Did you just say he's so cool?

We should see if... Tom Sandoval? No, but I don't think he's uncool. Yeah. Tom Sandoval should be our guest in St. Louis for the live Dumb People Town. Sure. And Andy Cohen. Invite him. Because Andy Cohen's in St. Louis for the live Dumb People Town. Sure. And Andy Cohen.

Invite him. Because Andy Cohen's from St. Louis. I know. Carly Closs is, too. Yeah. Andy. John Hamm. Okay.

Andy Cohen, if you're out there, come be our guest. Wouldn't that be fun? Fly home and come be our guest. Also, I love, OnStar's like, can you turn the car off? We can get it down to 15 for you. Why? If you've gone. It's still dangerous.

I can't get out of a 15. What about. They're out. By the way, what about. Because they're afraid if they stop it, he'll run. But if you're on to 15, just keep slowing it down. No, no, no. They want him at a slow cruising thing so the police can come after him.

You know what I mean? Oh, interesting. OnStar wants him to lose a police chase. Well, a low speed chase then ensued. Of course. Of course. Do you think there's someone sprinting being like,? Oh, interesting. Onstar wants him to lose a police chase. Well, a low-speed chase then ensued. Of course. Do you think there's someone sprinting, being like, come on, man. A galloping horse. Definitely a horse.

Or Usain Bolt. She's running next to it. A low-speed chase ensued, and police brought it to an end with stop sticks, according to the outlet. What's a stop stick? Spikes that they throw down. Police say Kirby jumped out of the car. Of course he did. And ran off, dropping a mask and gun.

Keep the mask, Kirby. Yeah, or the gun. Before a deputy found him hiding in tall grass. I see you. It's just grass, man. We're not in NAMM here. It's like he's on the Serengeti. That's his autobiography, by the way.

Does it say what kind of mask he was wearing? No, that's my other question. Because what if it was like a scarecrow mask? That would have been very smart. By the way, if he's a scarecrow and he just kind of stood up there with his... Dude, hiding in tall grass. Like Jeepers Creepers. Are you Kirby?

No. Shit. God damn it! Hiding in tall grass. No, he's up there. Ask me. Are you Kirby? Who's that? No he's up there Ask me Are you Kirby? Who's asking?

Us Ah damn it Why? First tell me why No if you talk You're a cop You have to tell me why No quid pro quo

They found him hiding in tall grass Near highway 412 Hiding in tall grass is a great name for an autobiography. I'm sorry. It is. It's almost like hiding in plain sight. Almost. Kirby was arrested and charged with a whole bunch of stuff.

He was also wanted on a burglary charge out of Osage County and has a number of felony convictions. That's in the Lake of the Osage. We'll get out of here on this. That's what I thought. How old? How old is Brandon Kirby? He's doing meth at an adult store parking lot.

He can drive. He has to be strong enough where he was able to hit him while driving. He ran. He had a mask and then he tried to hide in tall grass. I'm not a drug person so I'm not familiar with meth,

but is meth the same thing that makes you strong, or is that basalt? Basalt and PCP? Yeah, it gives you like, that makes you want to eat someone's face off. And fight a lot. I think meth gives you energy. It does?

I don't know. I think so. I don't know enough. I'm glad we don't know. But not like that super, like, Hulk strength. Like superhuman strength. Right, right. I don't know enough. But not like that super... Like superhuman strength. I don't know if it's that. I'm getting very serious about this. You are. Your analysis

is great. You don't have to go first. You can go take your third, whatever you want. I'll go first. I'm going to say 32. 32 years old. Jason Rainey. I think this guy's 40 years old. 40 from Jason. I think he's Judd Apatow. This is 40. I don't know. I think he's's 40 years old. 40 from Jason. I think he's Judd Apatow. This is 40. I don't know. I think he's 26.

26. Yeah, he doesn't know enough, but he can still do a bunch of stuff. Okay. One of you is exactly right. Oh! So now we get to play this game, which is great. Who do you think is exactly right? You think you are.

I love that you're confident in your thing. I think it's me. Okay. I think it's me. Okay, everyone stick it to their guns. We all can't be right. Okay. I think it's me. Everyone's sticking to their guns. We all can't be right, but we all feel like we are. Unlike Kirby, we are holding our guns instead of dropping them. We're sticking to them.

Okay. This will end story number one. Get your answers in now, townies, wherever you may be, because- Get both answers in. Brandon Kirby is 40 years old. Oh! Yes! Knew it, knew it, knew it.

He maybe is having that midlife crisis. Or that moment of like, where do I go from here? Right. Which is the way that's clear. Midlife crisis. You gotta steal a goat from an adult store.

Right. With a guy. And just go. Wow. But that is a guy who started that with no end game. With no end plan. He didn't know what was happening.

He saw a car running and was like, oh, sweet. By the way, if this isn't the best ad for OnStar, I don't know what is. Meanwhile, you're asleep. You're taking a nap with your goat in an adult store parking lot. And you're like, what's the worst that could happen? What could go wrong? What's the worst of that? My wife drives by?

Yeah, I mean, really. This was probably better for him. Maybe she was inside. We don't know. She could be working it. Who said he was straight too There you go It's Missouri

His husband It's my husband My husband He's in an adult story He's already mixing up a little bit He's got a goat with him God knows what he's doing with that Oh Jesus Christ

God knows what he's doing Yeah there's that moment Where they save the goat And give it back to the guy And it's like Did you save it Did you save the goat Who saved who

Right Alright guys Who rescued who That Right? All right, guys. Who rescued who? That's story one down in the books. When we come back, we got more. We're going to talk about your podcast. And it's all good. It's Dumb People Town.

We'll be right back. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. That's Dumb People Town. We want to remind people,

as we hit the sort of midpoint of the show, we're doing Dumb People Town live in some big theaters around the country, and we're really excited. Please come to St. Louis. See us on the, is it the? 19th, 20th? 19th is Minneapolis.

That's a Thursday at the Cedar Cultural Center. On Friday, we're in St. Louis at Del Mar Hall, and on Saturday, we're at Turner Hall in Milwaukee. Those are all big rooms. We expect lots of people to come out. We want to do these shows over and over again. We want to keep coming. And then we're doing it again in June.

We're going to do a Pacific Northwest tour. We're going to be up in Vancouver at the Rio Theater. Vancouver's the best. The best. So the 18th, we're in the Rio Theater of Vancouver. The 19th, we're going to be at Washington Hall in Seattle. And then the 20th at the Aladdin Theater in Portland, Oregon. And I'm trying to put together,

for people who buy tickets to St. Louis, Milwaukee, or Minneapolis, meat raffles. Meat raffles! What's that? A meat raffle? Yeah. It's like a great Midwestern thing where it's literally what it sounds like.

You buy a ticket and then you find out if you want meat. Oh. What if you're a vegetarian? Impossible meat. Why would you want to be a part of that meat raffle? Is there impossible meat in there? No. Okay, fine.

I don't know. There's cod. You're saying it's impossible that that's impossible? Cod or venison. Okay. I got you. I got you. I got you.

And if you're going gonna be in Los Angeles We're doing a live Dumb People Town At Largo with Paul F. Tompkins And Colin Hay The lead singer from Men at Work Who is amazing And had a great solo career On Monday, February 24th

Largo's the best The best So we do it live here at Largo Every other month And so that's one And we're gonna get one more guest On that show too So get your tickets for all that stuff

Come on, yeah Go to the Dumb People Town Facebook page You can get all that stuff Let's talk about your podcast Oh god oh god oh okay let's talk about your podcast tell them what it is tell them what it's about and tell them how they can enjoy well it's called emotional support because everyone calls me al yeah we thought that'd be really funny um season one is already out so you can listen to a few episodes there. Listen to Daniel on it. He comes out season two. Oh, good.

Scandalous. I love it. It's a really sassy episode. I'm sure it is. Of course it is. We talked a lot. We talked. We went way over our time.

What do you like to dig into on that show? Well, I'm bipolar, so we like to laugh about the fact that I am and mental health. Yeah. Howard Stern is my favorite person in the world, so it's definitely a lot of Howard Stern in there. We talked about that. Yeah, Chris Farley. Yeah, we talked about Chris Farley. The one that got away from me. Yeah.

It's true. Really? Yeah. Oh, I'm totally convinced that he was my soulmate. Wow. Yeah. Really? Yeah. That's amazing. Isn't it cute? I mean, he's He just didn't want to wait. He just didn't want to wait. He couldn't wait. He couldn't wait. He's too young. But yeah, it's amazing. Isn't it cute? I mean, he's. He just didn't want to wait. He just didn't want to wait. He couldn't wait. He couldn't wait. He's too young.

Yeah. But yeah, it's amazing. And we just laugh a lot about mental health because it's really funny. And if you can't laugh about it, it's too depressing. If you're dealing with it, that is a great way to cope with it. Yes. That stuff. Because anytime.

I always feel this way. Whenever I'm like in it, like deep, deep. So deep, deep in like arguments and fights and stuff, even just emotional shit with my family, the joke is the way we get out of it. It's the only way to get out of it. The joke is the way we get out of it. It's a way to get unstuck. So my oldest daughter is in high school who is like 14. Oh, wow.

Hormones swirling and all that stuff. We were really in this deep, deep, heavy argument fight thing last night last night and it was like just bad and i was like trying to get out of it looking for an offer i have to get out of this fight and this argument and she's not giving in and i'm like i can't give into this and like we're just and she's crying and she's upset and she's really mad and she's making it worse like she just keep digging making it worse and i. And we were talking about this one thing about school and whatnot. And she's like, I'm not going to. She was upset about this one thing.

And she said, I need to read more. And I'm not reading enough. And I haven't even read. She's crying through tears. I haven't even read A Tale of Two Cities. I haven't even read A Tale of Two Cities. And then she's like, I'll never know if it was the best of times or the worst of times

so she made that joke and she's crying and I was like and I'm like ready to you know come back and I'm like

that is hilarious and she starts laughing and I'm like that's how we pulled ourselves out of it and she made a joke it's a great joke I'll never know

if it was the best of times or the worst of times I'm like that's a great joke great joke but I'm if it was the best of times or the worst of times. I'm like, that's a great joke. Yes. Great joke, but I'm saying comedy as the way to kind of dig ourselves out or at least cope with it in some way. Totally. And look, we're all, you know, completely fucked up, let's be honest.

And if we're not, our family is. And if our family's not, our friends are. And it's like trying to deal with all of it at once. It touches everybody. Yeah. And then especially, like, we talk about loss all the time. Yeah. And I've lost a lot of people specifically this month.

Sorry for that. Oh, it's okay. Thank you though. And you know, one of them actually took his own life. And so we're going to touch on that in the next coming week to start talking about that. And how, you know, sometimes just laughing is the best thing. Like it's the only

thing that i can say has helped me out because i'm a gemini i'm italian and i'm bipolar so it's like a very exhausting person that lives inside here a lot going on energy it's a lot of energy that's why you drink eight of these that's right that's right and i'm like really small so it's like a lot is going on in here well i'm glad you're with us do you want to keep going on the dump train i would love to you did a great job on the first story. Let's jump into another one. Here we go. Sent in by Jeffrey Alberghini at JJ Alberghini.

I still fly Alberghini airlines. Okay. Alberghini. What kind of a sandwich did you get? I'm going to read you the headline. An Alberghini. I got an Alberghini. Bodybuilder.

Uh-huh. Set to marry his sex robot girlfriend despite frequent arguments. With the sex robot girlfriend? Yes. I have so many thoughts already about this story. Okay, so he... A smitten actor and bodybuilder has vowed... Let's put actor to rest.

Let's be honest, yeah. Has vowed to marry his sex robot girlfriend. To whom? Who did he vow it to? After paying for real plastic surgery to enhance the doll's appearance when, quote, she began to develop a complex. Wow. I'm so obsessed with him. Is he single?

No. Well, I don't know if it ended that way. Do you want a break of a marriage? No, no, no. Get in there, girl. They're not married yet. They're not married yet. I think it's a little suspect that you said that mental illness affects a lot of people.

And here we are talking about a guy who seems perfectly fine. He's so normal. So he feels like, I mean, he's not projecting in any way, shape, or form. No. Here's a guy who works out so much that he is obsessed with it. And now he is putting that onto a sex doll. Okay, I'm going to say this. Do you, okay, I don't know if this is appropriate.

But if he is a bodybuilder, right, he's like a big dude. Yeah, there's a picture of him and her. He's like, fine. She is stunning, by the way. Yeah, well. Who's her doctor? That's what I want to know. Stunning. Who's her daddy? Who's her creator want to know. Stunning. Who's her daddy?

But if you're like a big dude, right, and he probably takes steroids, things happen right in the lower area where maybe he's lost his sex drive or he's lost his dick that used to be. She looks like Taylor Swift.

And no woman would be with him. Oh, so you're saying this is a necessity. Yes. Can I talk about how much I love his jacket? I love that jacket. If you want to see his jacket, join our Facebook page. Dan will put the photo up. She is stunning. She's pretty beautiful.

Okay, so he said she's starting to develop a complex. He calls her Billie Eilish. She began to develop a complex, so he got her plastic surgery. Yuri Tolochko from Kazakhstan. Hey, Yuri. I am Yuri. I am Yuri.

Also revealed that the unusual couple has been invited on Russian TV show Comedy Club, although his relationship with- I want to be on Comedy Club. Is like comedy. Lenny, don't push the joke over the cliff on the comedy club. Comedy club's you.

In Russia, you don't do comedy. That's what I was wearing. I had to wear, I did the show corporate. Maybe I'm not allowed to say that, but I did it and I was wearing like a 90s Cosby sweater. Oh, yeah? Like terrible 90s Cosby sweater. did the show corporate i probably did maybe i'm not allowed to say that but i did it and and i

was wearing like a 90s cosby sweater oh yeah like terrible 90s cosby sweater and my joke to everyone on the set was in russia you don't wear cosby sweater cosby rapes you yes that was my joke it's true uh he says even though he's going on their TV show Comedy Club, although his relationship with Margot the doll is very much taken seriously. What's he going to do on Comedy Club? Tolochko shared backstage images of the couple's television appearance with the teaser message, I won't spoil it, you'll find out at the right time. That's where he proposed to the thing.

Probably. On Comedy Club. According to local media, Tolochco has been dating margo for eight months and his instagram is littered with loved up selfies of the pair on dates i love it despite dating her for eight months despite how do you move on that before she moves on despite admitting that they have put a ring on it and when i say it I really mean it. Really? It's Pat. Remember that movie? Of course. Julia Sweeney is our friend. Despite admitting that they have the occasional argument, talk to me.

I mean, open up. If you're not going to say anything. Open up. The occasional argument. The devoted Tolochko insists that he plans to marry the sex doll. Tolochko said he recently sent Margot to a clinic for plastic surgeons to make his synthetic girlfriend even prettier after he claimed her media appearances

made her feel insecure. I just drop her off. Here's the thing, guys. They're saying, right, AI is going to be smarter than us and probably is already smarter than us. So why are we even questioning this? She really could have a complex.

This is her. She's speaking her truth. Maybe the complex is from him sending her for plastic surgery in a UPS box. That's terrible. Maybe that's where the complex came from. What did she look like before? Right. Well, he said, when I presented her photo to the world, there was a lot

of criticism, and she began to develop a complex, so we decided to have plastic surgery. Wait, wait, what? We decided to have plastic surgery is like when the waiter or waitress comes and says, what are we having? You're not eating with us.

Please don't sit with us. Just stand and take our order. Chair backwards. What are we having, guys? What are we having, guys? I've got a cot. You don't have a cot. You work for the place that has it. You don't have a cot.

They got a cot. I've got muscles from... No, you don't. You don't. You don't have muscles from Washington. You don't have... Stand up and please write Boystown. Does she walk?

Who? No. Margo? No. She is a mannequin. Well, I don't know. You're saying this. We're talking about she has a complex,

and I'm supposed to know that she doesn't walk. She does not have a real complex. He is projecting a complex onto this thing. He got criticism. Do you think he's on meth? Maybe. No. He's on steroids.

The guy with the goat is like, at least he can respond. At least I can get a, out of the goat or something like that. But the truth is, this guy put a bunch of pictures on, this is what happened, Dan, put a bunch of pictures online. People are like, hey man, that's freaky that you're doing

that with that inanimate object. And then he took that to mean, you gotta get plastic surgery. By the way, can I just say that on some level, I like where he's going with this. If he's like, I've got rage issues because I'm using steroids and whatnot, why take it out on a person?

Why not just have this thing? It's definitely better. He's thoughtful. I'd much rather have a doll, an inanimate doll get plastic surgery than force a woman to get plastic surgery. She doesn't complain about how much she's at the gym. Right. She loves it

in fact. She probably goes with him. And watches. And sits in the trunk. She probably spots him. That's what he said after the plastic surgery. Quote, she has changed a lot. At first it was hard to accept but I got used to it later on. That's a relationship, bro. That's growth and changes. Change together.

It's growth, man. Either you grow together or you grow apart. It's true. Quote, it was a real clinic with real doctors. Asked no. Nope.

Nobody knows that. He wanted you to know. Hey man, what are you doing with that? It was a real clinic with real doctors. How much did it cost? Or is that one of the questions?

I don't know. Reports said the actor treats the doll, which has its own Instagram. The actor. This is what I have. I have the biggest problem with that. The actor is like calling McDonald's a restaurant.

Yeah. It's not a restaurant. It's a place where you get food. Reports said the actor treats the doll, which has its own Instagram blog, like a living person and even found her a waitressing position at a local bar. Okay. So I'm sorry. She walks.

She does not walk. She doesn She walks. She does not walk. She doesn't walk. She does not walk. Okay, I'm just going to say one thing. My friend actually created this AI. Looks like her. Looks like a sex doll. And she's actually become one of the most famous people on Instagram.

Who is it? And she's a DJ. And, of course, I'm forgetting what her name is. And she's a DJ. And they put her forgetting what her name is and she's a DJ and they put her there and they've created this whole persona but they never told anyone

that she was a doll for like a year and everyone thought she was this hot like Instagram supermodel and they had her posing like with Diplo and all of

these other people. Yes. Wow. So she was. It's amazing. So maybe he's trying this is like his like spin on I'm an actor.

How am I going to get my voice in there? Oh my God. If that is what's going on here... Brian, I say hashtag brilliant. We're talking about it here. Okay, ready? I'm going to read these sentences. The one we just heard in the next one back to back.

And it will... Blow my mind. I'm a psychic. Reports said the actor treats the doll, which has its own Instagram blog, like a living person and even found her a waitressing position at a local bar. Tlachko said, quote, she can't walk by herself. She needs help.

There you go. Wow. Yeah. Don't we all sometimes have to get you to drink? Margot doesn't know how to cook, but she loves, I don't know. She loves cuisine. Cuisine? Cuisine.

Lean cuisine. She like lean cuisine. Her favorite dish, this is what I was trying to say. Her favorite dish. Her favorite dish is khinkali. K-H-I-N-K-A-L-I. Khinkali. I don't know.

Khinkali. Discussing her personality, the eccentric actor, now we're an eccentric actor. Eccentric actor. The eccentric actor added, she swears, but there's a tender soul inside. So she's me. Yeah, exactly, right? She's all of us. According to Tlachko, he met Margot at a bar when a young man attacked the doll and he managed to protect her.

I'm obsessed. This is a love story for the ages. This guy is totally fucking with everyone. Now I'm convinced he's messing with everybody. They have reportedly been inseparable ever since. It's unclear when the wedding will take place. Oh my god. Do you value this

person or the woman who marries her chandelier more? What? There's like a woman who married inanimate objects. It's like a woman who married her own chandelier. A woman who cheated on her chandelier by trying to marry like a story inanimate objects like a woman who married her own chandelier who cheated on her chandelier by trying to marry the statue of liberty now that's also a thing i think i think this guy because you know he's also probably having it's probably having sex with this thing it's a sex doll yeah so you are having sex i'm more in favor of this in the real girl right i'm more in favor of this. Lars and the real girl.

I'm more in favor of this than the chandelier. I'm not anti-chandelier. Love whatever you want to love as long as you don't hurt yourself or hurt anybody else. But she has boobs. Right. And she's a waitress. What if you got your chandelier fake tits? You send it in and you're like, I had to bump them up. I had to bump it up. Look, it was

a sconce and now it's a torch. That is story number two. There you go, story. Can you give us a little taste of what we're going to see on segment three? A guy goes to drastic measures to make his life easier. There you go. We all are trying to do that.

It's Dumb People Town. Alessandra Taurasani, I'm so happy you're with us. Stay with us through the break. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Stay with us through the break. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Dan, take us home. Before we go, I want to remind everybody, Emotional Support. You can get it on wherever you get your podcasts. Everywhere, anywhere. And you can follow at Emotional Support Pod. And it is a wonderful coping way through you yourself for

dealing with uh mental health stuff as many of us are and uh it's a great way if you're somebody or touched by someone who is dealing with that stuff this is a great way to cope with it and it's really fun because we have a facebook page and we're gonna end up doing like a like a social media platform kind of thing but everyone joins it from all over the world. And we've had people that have helped other people out when they're feeling upset. I love this. The community.

The community. You guys are building a community with this thing. And it's fun. I get to interview my friends and people who I just meet. And we get to talk about all the terrible experiences that have happened to us and how we got through that. If you're sharing emotional stuff, you immediately, that's like, it like a bonding thing deeper

than, hey, what's your next project? That's how I found every guy I've ever been with. Really? Of course, you share, you share. Alright, so I'm going to check out Emotional support and you guys should too. And let's jump into this last story, shall we? This is from Larissa at the girl on the wall, but there's no I

in girl, so it's the GRL. Larissa knows it all. Larissa at the girl on the wall, but there's no I in girl. So it's the GRL. Larissa knows it all. On the wall. Larissa explains it all. Knows it all. I know it all. Okay, you ready? Yes.

I don't know why this changed on me. Hold on one sec. Let me refresh this. Refresh it down. Okay, here we go. Yes. We're ready. You ready?

Yeah, I think so. Okay, here we go. Okay. Man implants Tesla key into hand to unlock car with one swipe. Brilliant. That is too much, though. I lose my keys every day. I hope he bought the car.

By the way, if you're leasing it, that is a dumb move. He implants the key into his hand. He cuts open his own hand and puts the key inside of it. Okay, so I don't have a Tesla. I don't know if you guys do. I do. But do we know? You do.

What does the key look like? You do? My wife got a Tesla. Oh, that's awesome. She turned in her old car and this was actually less expensive. She got the Model 3. It's a great car. The key is your phone.

Yeah. Or it's a card. Right. It's your phone. Like a credit card? I'm just trying to think like what would be inserted inside it. It's like a a card. Right. It's your phone. Like a credit card? I'm just trying to think what would be inserted inside. It's like a credit card. But the thing is,

does this guy not have a phone? Springville, Utah. A Utah man has put some technology under his skin that lets him unlock his Tesla with just a wave of his hand. I've got you. Under my skin.

No. I mean. So this guy is like, I'm gonna, this is the guy who's like, you know, those people are like, I'm going to make it easier. I'm just going to get up on the roof and tie this part. Don't get on the roof. Right. Just don't do it.

I'm going to tie this thing from the antenna to that. I'm going to make it so much easier. You're making it worse. You're not making it easier. Ben Workman, which sounds like a placeholder. Great name. I know. Call me the working man.

Here's the thing. I guarantee you when he tells people about it, he's like, the key is. Ben, Ben, stop. No Ben. At Ben Brothers. At Ben Workman. I wonder if it opens other things. You just go to hotels. Women's hearts. Conversation. Leg just go to hotels. Women's hearts.

Conversation. Legs. Sex doll. The key is... The key is... He's like... Waving around women's vaginas. Stop waving your hand near her vagina.

Stop it. I know you're not touching her, but that is a Me Too moment. Her legs remain uncrossed. That is a Me Too moment you're creating right now. Ben Workman is one of the few people around the world who use cybernetic implants. Simply speaking, he has different kinds of computer chips implanted in his skin that lets him do different things. And I'm sure the body doesn't reject that at all. How many implanted chips do you think he's put into his body?

You want to go first, Tig, or third? I'll go first. I'm going to say five. Five chips. Jay? I think he first. I'm going to say five. Five chips. Jay? I think he's got like nine chips. Okay. I think he has 17 chips. 17. And one of them is for if he gets lost and his owner's confined. That's right. You have a little chip

in the back of his neck. A little puppy. He was registered. The ASPCA. One of you is only one off. Oh! What did you say? I said five. Five? I said 17. I said nine.

So which way do you... I think it's 10. You think it's 10? What do you think? You can go up or down one if you want. Okay. And I think it might be 16. Okay.

With his four implanted chips. Oh, that was so close. You went the other way. Still, that's a lot. That's a lot. I know it was the smallest number out of all that we picked. That is still too many. Workman can unlock his car,

unlock doors at work, log on and off his computer, and share contact information, but can't sign the fucking divorce papers. So, like, he can sign on his AOL account and like kind of like. And you know he's got an AOL account. Aim all the way.

I still have two AOL accounts. Shut up. I do, I do. One I don't use, it was Rodmanbaby91 because I was so obsessed with Dennis Rodman. Are you still obsessed with him? Between him and Farley,

you have a lot of Chicago celebrity love. Yeah, yeah. Well, my mom. Yeah, mom's like, yeah. So I would say that what he's doing is very, I mean, it's very workmanlike.

I mean, it is. It's got a good work ethic. It's got a good work ethic. The implants use the same technology that's used for Apple Pay and Android Pay. You may be wondering

what would inspire someone to do this, to do something like this. Stupidity. Right. Boredom. He's playing like he's got a chip on his shoulder. The divorce. Not his lack of visitation rights.

He literally has a chip on his shoulder. He literally has a chip on his shoulder. Jason. Shut up. For Workman, it's pretty simple. He said he did it out of curiosity curiosity you killed the cat kill exactly with a wave of your hand in all reality it was in his case curiosity destroyed any chance of getting pussy that that is it's his version of killed did kill the cat in all reality it was an it was experimentation and curiosity, said Workman. The process to get the chips into Workman's hand wasn't as simple as his motivation.

What doctor would be like, I'll put this in you? Right. He probably did it himself. Is that what we're saying? For his few two chips, he couldn't convince his doctor. Of course not. Or a piercing studio to help him. So he ended up getting a family member to implant the

chips for him. Oh, Dave, I've got something for you. Don't trust your cousin. Do it. What does your cousin do? He sells cocaine out of a bread truck. Come on over here. He's got a coat and he smokes meth. He'll be at the adult store.

He's driving me to Oklahoma. Punch me in the face as many times as you want. Just put these chips in my hand. If he's not sleeping, he'll do it. Right. On the first two, I actually didn't have anyone. I tried going to a veterinarian, a doctor, a piercing studio. Veterinarian, we were right.

They put the chip in. No one would do it. Of course not. It's a stupid thing to do. That is so gross. It's so dumb. However, implanting the Tesla key required a bit more work, and he managed to convince a piercing studio to help him, although they weren't too keen on the idea.

No. Workman also has a magnet planted in his left hand. So he can erase every computer. He just walks up to a TV and you're like, no, all my data. Which is literally just a magnet. It doesn't have any interesting functionalities besides magic tricks and fun stuff.

I love a magic trick. He likes to just go walk over and pick up paper clips. Guys, I don't know what's going on here. How many times do you like, I don't know what's going on here. Wasn't there a superhero that could attract magnetic stuff? Magneto. Wasn't there a superhero that could attract magnetic stuff?

Well, Magneto. Magneto. Whether it's a practical joke or practicality, Workman said he's excited to see what he'll be able to do next. Stop. Not be in a relationship. No. You know what I think he's going to do next?

Check the single column on his tax return. For his next adventure, he wants to put a chip in his hand that lets him pay for things without a credit card. If this guy gets a girlfriend, do you have to go back to the guy who had the sex doll and be like, you have to get a real person. Yes. If this guy who's implanting chips all over

and can get somebody, then our grandmother was right. Every pot has a lid. It's true. Every pot has a lid. Jesus. This pot has a lot of chips in it, is all I'm saying. That's story number three. Think of all the scars on his hands, too. I know. Yeah. But he can

pick things up and he can open doors. He does magic. He opens a lot of doors in his life. There you go. Don't get chips in your hand, guys. There you go. That's a joke. Emotional support. We're going to check that out. Check out Daniel. We're performing live. Oh, yeah. We're going to check that out. Check out Daniel. We are performing live. Oh, yeah.

Everything's posted at danielvankirk.com. I just posted a whole bunch of stuff recently on Instagram. But you can... When are we dropping this? I think next Tuesday. Oh, awesome. Well, come see me in Boca Raton, Florida and at Cap City Comedy Club.

And come see all of us at Largo. And I'll be in Houston doing a live pen pals with Rory and stand-up shows leading up to that. I love it. We'll be in Chicago one night at the North Park. One night only. One night on February 6th,

Thursday night. Next Thursday night. Next Thursday night. Or this Thursday night. This Thursday. And then Friday and Saturday we're at Cleveland at Hilarity's with our buddy Nate Craig.

Great shows. Those shows are going to be amazing. I want to sell all of them out. And then we have a bunch of stuff. Go to superscleros.com. Madison, Wisconsin. Oh yeah, get your tickets. This one we want. So of stuff. Go to superscleros.com. Madison, Wisconsin. Oh, yeah. Get your tickets.

This one we want. So Madison's the last. Two times ago, I think we came. We sold out all the shows before we got there. I want to do that again. That is our goal. We're putting it out to you, our fans, our listeners, our friends. I'm going to tell you exactly when it is. It is March 12th.

Last weekend in March. No, 12th through the 14th. 12th through the 14th. And then the following week, we're back in Milwaukee. You can see me, Randy, and Dan. So we have a lot for you to do in March. Will the sex doll be at any of these? Sex doll will be there.

Will the sex doll be at all the shows? She can't walk to the shows. She can't walk, but she'll be there. But she's a waitress. She's a waitress. Will she be selling drinks at? Probably. She's working.

She's working. Ma'am, we've asked you 40 times to refill these. Can we get our bill, please? We just want our check. All right. There you go. That's it. The world's getting dumber, and we're here.

And oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunker down. It's Dumb People Town. A podcast network.