Dumb People Town - Forrest Shaw - Barblejuice

Episode Date: December 28, 2018

Comedian Forrest Shaw joins the guys to discuss a story in which a woman is jailed after hitting her husband and brother in a quest for beer!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population for us. Shaw. What's up brother?

Hey How's it going man? Welcome to the show I'm very good Nice to have you Thank you for having me From the time we got to hang with you On Jim Jeffries podcast Which you do a great job on that

We were like We gotta have you on Come and do a Friday episode of ours So welcome brother Yeah I appreciate it And you were uniquely qualified You were uniquely qualified To comment on the idiocy of this world

Because you are from Florida State of Florida There it is Have you Let me ask you this Were you born in a strip club? And you are uniquely qualified to comment on the idiocy of this world because you are from? Florida. State of Florida. There it is. Let me ask you this. Were you born in a strip club? I just need to ask. Yeah, no.

Let me ask you this. Okay, so do you still have relatives there? Yes. My mom is the only relative I've left there. Okay. So you go back there and visit. I'll be there next week. Okay.

So have you seen it get dumber or prouder to be done? What have you seen over the years because you were born there? Well, I defend it a lot. You defend? You're forced to defend it. I defend Florida because I'm from there, and I feel like I have to because nobody else will. You have civic pride? Why?

Why do you feel the need to defend it? If it's indefensible, fuck it. It's not indefensible. This thing. Do you know the reason why? Yes, because they make their police blotter public and other states don't. So for all we know, Arkansas can be worse than Florida.

Florida's just like... Florida's like the dude who's like, here's my fetish. I like it when you shove a gun in my asshole. And you're like, oh, okay. Arkansas might also like that or like weirder stuff. Right. Right more. So that's why I defended. I just, I always say, you know.

People shave their legs. Florida does it in the front yard. But I will say that there's a lot of, there's a lot of laws. There's a lot of laws in Florida that make it possible too because it's like the prescription illegal and legal drugs have at it. Guns. You want guns? We got those.

The bankruptcy laws. The ability to own a Cuban as a slave, which is a weird thing. That is weird. I don't support that. Did you guys read that law? That's a Rick Scott special. And the most important thing, I think, is the weather. Because it's nice. It's like warm all year.

And if you are a crazy person and have voices in your head talking to you, in the winter, you've got to stand side. Why go to Minneapolis? Why battle the elements? Yeah, exactly. You're battling enough. You have more time to work on your...

What was that movie about those shitty kids in that apartment complex? Oh, my God. The Florida Project. Yeah. Is that how you grew up? It's like, just go. It's a great movie. Oh, my God.

I was watching The Florida Project. You said this before Two hours into the Florida Project Which could have been an hour Two hours into the Florida Project I'm like Why am I watching these shitty kids? Actually we'll be watching my shitty kids

I have crappy kids of my own Alright let's get into a story Let's get into a story Because we have Forrest Shaw here Dan I don't know if you understand this But Forrest Shaw is here I do Okay you ready?

Yes This was sent in by Catherine Tuck At Catherine Lorna She sends in a This was sent in by Catherine Tuck at Catherine Lorna. She sends in a lot. Thank you, Catherine. Tuck rule. Tuck rule. All right, guys.

It's become a large part of this town because we have a green light. Oh, yeah. Okay, now. There's this guy named Will Greenlee who writes for the T.C. Palm. T.C. Palm newspaper. Do you know what that is?

No, I don't know. T.C. Palm Beach, Florida. They have Palm newspaper. Do you know what that is? No, I don't know. TC Palm Beach, Florida. They have a newspaper. This guy, we can't quite decide if he is aware that he is writing like a seven-year-old. He's like, I got to write for dummies. Or we feel like he's got 1,500 words that he has to turn in every time. And the story is only usually about 1,000.

So he will, at various points in every story, A lot of frosting on the company. A lot of frosting on the company. He'll explain things to us that we all already know. But explain it as if we don't know it. Okay. And then Dan likes to play a game from time to time. Who wrote that?

Was that Greenlee or is it Dan trying to fuck with us? I'll read an embellishment and then ask you if I wrote it or he wrote it. All right. Let's do it. So we got ourselves a greenlee. Sent in by Catherine Tucker. Like I said, Fort Pierce, a woman accused of hitting her brother and husband in an apparent quest for beer was arrested.

Part of me wants it to be one punch. You know how, like, just threw two brothers and husbands into the head? Get over here. Put your faces next to each other. What? In a quest for beer? Is that what. Pa! In a quest for beer? Is that what you said? In a quest for beer.

Because you know how hard beer is to get in Fat Fort Beer? Or maybe she's in recovery and they're like, our job is to keep you away from beer. Oh, yeah? Get over here, knuckleheads. Punch, punch. Yeah, it's like some sort of video game show. Yeah.

Get through both of these knuckleheads. Beer quest. It's a quest for beer. game show. Yeah. I play every day. I get through both of these. Beer quest. It's a quest for beer. That's pretty good, right? You have a great voice for us. Oh, thank you. Do you want to give us the promo? It's a quest for beer.

Like if this is a movie, in a world where beer is free? Go for it. No, it's not free. In a world where beer costs money, one woman was on a quest. You ready? Do it. In a world. What was it? Hold on. God, for You ready? Do it. In a world. What was it?

We're done. In a world. Jay, he's got no short-term memory. He's got no short-term memory. In a world where a forest can't remember the coffee. Are we talking about beer still? In a world where he can't see the forest from the trees.

One woman. Two men. On a quest. One woman. Two men. On a quest. One punch. 24 beers. The quest. The case. Barbara Avriette.

Nope. Barbara Avriette. That's not a name. It's not Barbara Everett? No. A-V-R-I-E-T-T. It's Avriette. Avriette.

Okay. Barbara Avriette. Have you had your Avriette? Notat. Avriat. Barbara Avriat. Have you had your Avriat? Not yet. Avriat has been approved by most doctors. Barbara doesn't sound like a person that would punch two people for beer either. That's not a name you associate with that. Barbara Avriat was jailed on a battery charge following the September 16th boisterous...

Brawl? No. This is Greenlee. Here we go. Boisterous... Brawl? No, because this is Greenlee. Here we go. Boisterous brew, brew-ha-ha. Greenlee! Damn you. The boisterous brew, brew-ha-ha.

Way to go, Will. Does this guy know that you talk about him? I'm sure he does. Can we please get Greenlee on the phone? We're going to let him come to the fire. I guess so. Greenlee, if you're out there. A St. Louis County, St. Lucy County Sheriff's deputy went to an address in the 2900 block

of Avenue R after a domestic disturbance. A man said his sister, that'd be Barbara, knocked on his door demanding he open it. You know what you don't do then? Open the door. You don't. Anyone who's demanding you to open a door, do not open that door. Nobody's home, Barbara. Okay.

Knocked on the door. Demanding he open it. He declined. Yeah, of course. That's the most formal way of saying. He probably was like, get the hell out of here, Barb. He's like Bartleby the Scrivener. I'd prefer not.

I'd prefer not. I already see this writing style that you're talking about. Just wait. But his sister kept knocking. He eventually opened the door and when he did, Avriat began hitting him in the head. Instantly. It was one of those

like overhand... Part of me is, you opened the door. You literally opened the door to this. She was like, in my opinion, Prince Nassim Hamed, like, wild. Haymakers. Haymakers. Where's the beer, though, in this whole thing? I thought she was on a quest for beer.

She's just pounding a guy. You gotta fight the trolls to get across the bridge to the beer. Thank you. He, he, what are you gonna do when you get in here? Hit you in the head? Nope. Open. Okay.

All right. Well, if you put head? Nope. Open. Okay. All right. Well, if you put it that way. Oh, God! Quote, she has been drinking all day, and as she was hitting him on the head, she kept telling him to go get her more alcohol. That's right. What are you going to do? Are you going to get me more alcohol?

Ow! Are you going to get me more alcohol? Ow. Go back outside. No. If I do, will you let me in? Yes. Avriette, that's Barbara, stopped with the alleged beer beating of her brother and went

to her husband asking him for more beer. I will say this. Same apartment? Beer-battered fish sticks or beer-battered chicken finger, fantastic. Oh, yeah. So in this case, it's a beer-battered brother-in-law. Brother. Beer-battered brother. I never get beer-battered, though. They actually put beer in the batter.

But you don't really taste it. It's all battered out. But can you give that to your kids? If you get beer-battered? It's cooked out? The alcohol burns off. The flavoring should still be there, especially if you use an old style. Are you doing beer brats?

If there's one thing my kids love, it's beer. Beer battered brother. Beer battered brother. Are we supposed to be guessing if you wrote this? No, no, no. It's coming. So after a beer battered brother, she then went to her husband asking him for more beer.

Successful marriage, you think? Yeah. Going great. The husband told investigators that he and Barb were watching football in the living room. I love her for that. The sud supply was exhausted, and Barb wanted more beer, a beverage of an alcoholic nature made by brewing and fermentation of cereals such as malted

barley. I'm going to ask you guys. You are a guest. You can go first in the middle slot or third. Guess if it was a Greenlee or is that Dan trying to guess? Decided to explain beer to you. I'm going to guess Greenlee.

Okay. Jay? That's Dan. I think that's a Greenlee. Okay. Jay? Jay? That's Dan. I think that's a Greenlee. All right. Tonys, get your answers in as well as we play Greenlee or Dan. Because the person who wrote the sentence, the sud supply was exhausted and Avriette wanted more beer, a beverage of an alcoholic nature made by brewing and fermentation of cereals such as malted barley.

That was written by Will Greenlee. Oh my god! Why do I doubt it? Don't doubt the game. I went with, you know, when you think someone's trying to trick you and I'm like, that's so ridiculous. Just wait. Dan is really good at this. I mean, we can't even make this stuff up, guys.

This is written for the public to read? Yes! Not like a child. He's got 1,500 words. Every story comes in at 1,100. He's got 400 to make up. He's just like an alcoholic. He rolls over.

He's like, shit, I got to write a whole bunch of stuff. 400 more words. We got to get this out. 400 more words. I'm going to describe how to open a door. Yes. Trust me. This is incredible.

Okay. Ready? She kept asking him to go and purchase her more beer, and he said he didn't want to purchase any more beer, so she started hitting him while asking for the beer. This conversation just goes in loops. Can you get me some more beer? No.

Pop. Pop. Can you get me some more beer? Come over here. I feel like this is the type of person who's like, why are you hitting yourself? She's like one of those people. You're hitting me.

Takes his own hand and hits him with the own hand. The husband, said Barbara, then went to her brother's room and asked for beer, available in imported and domestically produced varieties. Who wrote that? Who decided to tell you that beer comes in imported and domestically produced varieties? See, the first one tricks you. I'm going to go with Greenlee again. Okay.

Jay? That's Greenlee. I'm going to go with Greenlee again. Okay. Jay? That's Greenlee. I'm going to go with Dan. Okay. The person who wanted to let you know that you can get beer imported or domestic in many varieties was written by Will Greenlee. I knew it! Why do I question?

I'm already obsessed with this guy. Exactly. Now you're in. Barbara then returned to the living room wanting more beer. The living room, more of a formal setting, is different from a family room, which is known to commonly have a television in it. Is that Greenlee or Dan? I'm going to go with, it's got to be Dan now because we've gone to Greenlee's.

Even though he could write it, I'm not going to be surprised. I think it's Greenlee. Okay, Randy says Greenlee. I say though he could write it. I'm not going to be surprised. I think it's a Greenlee. Okay. Randy says Greenlee. I say that's Dan. Okay. The person who wanted to make sure you knew the difference between a living room and a family room is me.

He knew it. He said he didn't have any more beer, but she continued to hit him while asking for more beer. She just does the same thing again. That's her move. She's like a defensive lineman whose only move is a swim move. But Barbara may be crying in her beer because she was arrested and taken

to the St. Lucie County Jail. Let me just say this on both the brother and the husband. Yeah. Good on them for not fighting back and just calling the cops instead. Yeah, they're like, you handle it.

Yeah, like, it could have ratcheted up to, like, a nasty domestic violence situation. I think this is common. Barb. Well, I know, but I'm just saying, like, they knew not. I think they were out of tricks. They're like, look, we need someone else to handle this now. I know.

It's probably more of, like, one of those stop. Stop hitting me. Barbara. Stop it. Barbara. If you don't stop, I'm going to call the police. This has happened many times. This is not the first time they've had an argument.

I thought you were going to say, I thought you were going to be like, guys, this happens many times in other states. There are barbs all over this country. There's a barb in Wisconsin right now. Yeah. And you know what? You're just not hearing about her. You don't think she's mad about the Packers on a Sunday getting drunk?

She's really mad. They just don't release the police blotter. Right. You don't think she's mad about the Packers on a Sunday getting drunk? She's really mad. They just don't release the police blotter. Right. Don't blame Florida, Barb. I agree. I know. I mean, this story,

it could have been literally one sentence. Nope. This guy's incredible. He should be celebrated. He is celebrated. We've had ones where he taught us

what an anchor was and how an anchor works. We've had ones... Import, export what an anchor was and how an anchor works. We've had ones. Import, export. You're not going to top that. Imported, imported, and exported. Varieties. Varieties.

Varieties. Sure. We also get to play a round of guess the AG. Now, this is so good. So she's married and brother. And her name is Barb. Do you want to see a picture of her before you guess her age?

This might make it harder. Seeing pictures sometimes... I'll see it. You wanna? I'll check it. I have a feeling I know close, not close, but... You can guess in the dark if you want. You can pre-guess. No one names their kids Barbara. I don't feel like people start naming their kids Barbara

30 years ago. There is not a person under 20 named Gary right now. Yeah, I think you're right. Gary Sanchez is the last. That was one of the guy's names? Was it Gary? No. Okay, it's just one of the theories.

I'll look at a picture. Okay, you ready? Yeah. By the way, this will be on the Facebook page. It's Barbara. Okay, all right. Now you probably thought. Now you're changing that.

Some cool chick with dreads. She's actually kind of cool. A cool chick with dreads named Barb. I know. She's like exotic. She's like a kid we went to middle school with. I thought it was going to be a woman with her hair up in a bun. Oh, definitely bangs.

Bangs. Yeah, some curled bangs. Okay. How old do you think Barb is? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right?

Guess the age. Guess the age. And you are our guest for so you can go first, Tig, or third. I think that because you could just get beer and you don't have to beat people to get beer you can just go get it. I don't have to beat people to get beer, you can just go get it, I don't think she's of age to purchase it.

So I'm going to say she's 20. Yeah, 20. That's a great point, man. Okay, Jason or Randy. 20 and married. 20 and married. Fine. She could be like 15.

I'm going to say 19. 19. Wait, wait, is this like the price is right? No. Is there like a... No, closest. Closest. I'm going to say 19. 19. Wait, wait. Is this like the price is right? No. Is there like a... No, closest. Closest. I'm going to say 17.

17 years old. I looked at her and she looks like she's 17. Okay. Okay. So Randy says... 20. I say 19. 19.

Forrest says 20. Forrest says 20. Jay says 17. Jay says 17. Okay. I don't know how I should tell you guys. You can't. Two of us are one year off.

No. Wait, can you describe to me what an age is first? An age is... An age. The amount of time a person has lived on the earth as it has rotated around the sun. That's what I thought it was. I was just making sure.

Okay. I'll just do it. Townies, get your answers in Okay Okay Because Barbara Avriet Avriet The woman who wanted beer on a Sunday

I assume they said Washington football Could have been a Saturday Fought her brother Well they let her in I mean you say Beetlejuice three times That's on you You say Barbeljuice

She's coming in Barbeljuice is coming in Barbeljuice That's what she calls her drink Is that Barbeljuice Give me coming in. Barbel juice is coming in. That's how she calls her drink. Barbel juice. Give me some of that barbel juice. I got my barbel juice. Okay. Nobody touch my

barbel juice. Come here, because I can hit you. I'm too drunk. Okay. Barbel juice. Barbara. You've all looked at her. And I hope the townies... I'll try to make sure I put this up right away I'm just a boy by myself

we try our best to get these up I hope it's there get it up go to the Facebook page and look at this or go to the Twitter DPT podcast

Barbara is 45 years old oh my god what yes she looks great! The great thing is, Forrest, you were right. If you had not

gone photo, you would have been like, well, nobody's naming their kids Barb anymore. What were you thinking? I was going to say late 30s, early 40s for sure. Here's the crazy thing. Can I see her again? She looks so good.

Forrest just said, I want something to jerk off to. You should just drink beer That's so Can I see her again? She looks so good That's so crazy Or is it just that I want something to jerk off to later? Yeah, you should just drink beer and beat your family That's so crazy that I'm like Will Greenlee I literally think Will Greenlee put the wrong photo in the article She looks Don't you think there's a chance that he put the wrong photo in the article?

That looks like her daughter who's on the track team in her high school She looks great That's 45? That ain't no 45. Literally, it's so crazy. I'm like, Will Greenlee put the wrong photo in the article. To fool with our guess the age. Or maybe user error.

So what happened to her? She gets arrested? That's it. They came and got her. She might be crying in her beer. That was his beautiful pun down at the end. I'm going to Google her and just see if there's another one. Barbara Avriette. Barbara Avriette. Barbara Avriette. Yeah, man. I don't know, 45 years old

just trying to get some beer on a Sunday. Florida. Why can't she just go and get beer? You're still defending your state. Stop it. Manatees. Who likes manatees? Nutria. So, dude, you've got... Cocaine.

You have an album that people can get, am I right? Yeah. And that is available on your website. Yeah, it's called Mr. Grizzly. It's available on my website. There's also – I have something called Poor Decisions. It's like – I don't want to say special because there was not a big hub hub when it was released. Oh, yeah.

Hub bub? Hub bub. Hub bub. All right, let's just forget that word. All right, but it's a special that people can get on your site as well? Yeah, everything's on my website, forestshaw.net, and it's Poor Decisions and Mr. Gri that word. It's a special that people can get on your site as well? Yeah, everything's on my website, foreshaw.net, and it's Poor Decisions and Mr. Grizzly. I love it.

And they can see your dates when you've got upcoming stuff happening? Yeah. The show just wrapped because I'm writing on the Jim Jevery show, so I don't know when this comes out. We're not sure either, but do you have anything towards the end of the year and into the new year, like January and February? I'm going to be on the road with Jim in Asia. Awesome.

If you're in Taipei. Yeah, it's awesome, dude. A lot of people say I have a Taipei personality. And I'm here. And I'm here. At Will Green. Why? That's very funny.

Well, we saw Jim last night do a little set in the show, The Goddamn Comedy Jam, which we did. And I missed your guys. I'm sorry. That's all right, man. We had a great time. But I will tell you that he is on top of his game and is really just crushing it.

And I know he wouldn't bring you out to set the table for him if you weren't killing it, too. We are fans of yours, man. Go out and see this guy. Get his stuff. It is worth your while. Ask him to defend Florida if you see him. I want you to come up to him at his show and say, okay, defend it now. Defend it, bro.

We test everything. That's what I was going to say. How about this? On animals. Drugs. On animals. We tested cocaine first. That's where I came in first. It was a hit. Country loves it. You cocaine first. On animals. That's where it came in first. That's right. It was a hit. Thank you. Country loves it. You're welcome.

You're welcome. Bass salts, we tested that. Gone. Didn't work out so good. You just paid the price. You eat people's faces. That's why you got to test that shit. On people.

That's what we do. We're the focus group for the rest of the country. Florida is America's focus group. That's a great... Please tell me you say that on stage. Oh, no, but I'm going to make a bumper sticker. Florida is America's focus group. I love it. For Shaw, check him out. And, no, but I'm going to make a bumper sticker. You do. Florida is America's focus group. I love it.

For a shot, check him out. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town It's a good show