Dumb People Town - Fortune Feimster - Cooking A Cheesecake

Episode Date: January 24, 2023

Fortune Feimster joins as Dan regales about an inmate's escape on a bike, Randy tells of a home invasion for cheesecake, and Jason relays a story about oddly shaped cloud! And so much more!

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Are you a third? I am my own third. You're in the third incarnation of yourself. How many dumb articles have been written? We've had the good fortune of sitting down. Or the misfortune. I really stunk at some point. That would be your drag name, Misfortune. That's mine. Is that yours?

I thought you were Mr. Fortune. Misf Fortune Cookie. So we are here in our new studio. This is one of our first episodes with All Things Cookies. That's right. In the batch of the new. We're on the new set. You can watch this on YouTube.

Thank you for tuning in on YouTube. Yeah, if you're tuning in and watching this. Look at this nice set they have. I know. It's so cool. So I'm going to encourage you. Hey, listen to it on wherever you listen to your podcast and then go watch it. It's so cool. So I'm going to encourage you. Hey, listen to it on wherever you listen to your podcast and then go watch it. It's just fun. We're excited to be in our new digs and try this out.

And so, of course, we called up some of our favorite people that we've ever had on this podcast to come and help us. And, Fortune, you're here. Heck, yeah. You understand the world of dumb, I would say. I do. You get it on such a deep level. I have a little dumb in me. Right?

We all kind of do. Takes one to know one. Wow. We all have a little dumb in me. Right? We all kind of do. Takes one to know one. Wow. We all have a little bit. We do dumb things. I love, like, we just saw a set that you did on stage, and you just talked about a few dumb things that you did, and your attitude towards the dumb stuff you do is just so,

it's so funny. I was just, the second you start to. You make it okay for me to be dumb. You definitely, like, give people permission to be like... Yeah, you were talking about ghosts and haunting and just you acting stupid about it, and it was making me laugh so hard. Oh, that's nice.

It's all new stuff I'm trying to work out. My special came out, and I got to write a whole new act. Well, here's the deal. We're going to help. Let's just riff, because who knows? Something may come out of this. This show gives you the material. You don't have to scrub sticks together.

So here we go. So Dan, we get stories sent to us. I guess Twitter is still a thing. As of right now. Is it still happening right now? As of right now. The good news is I found out even if I leave Twitter, I can still search it. Sure.

So you can always do it. Hashtag dumb people town at squad brothers at Daniel Van Kirk. And that's how we get our stories. Send them to us. Let's jump in. Dan, we got a person than me would probably go with discord, but I don't a hundred percent know what that is.

I don't know what that is. Twitch. It's not for lack of ability. It's for lack of trying. Lack of understanding. Here we go. Ready? Yes,

we are. Uh, this was sent in by Jake Groney at, at Jake Groney. Thanks buddy. Inmate steals bike in escape attempt. So in the prison takes what I'm going to. I don't think it was in the prison.

I think part of their escaping was with a bike. You said an inmate stole a bike? While trying to escape prison. But I think they were already out. Here we go. Okay. Nashville, Tennessee. Okay.

Right? Yes. Music City. Music City. This is the Music City miracle miracle we'll find out there are no flags on the field i should probably know this chatham chatham even though it looks like cheatham chatham even though it looks like cheat ham it's chatham so my kids my kids how i knew my kids when they were little had these little like are they guinea they weren kids, when they were little, had these little, like, are they guinea?

They weren't live, but they were like these little stuffed animals that had a little voice thing in that when you press the paw, they were called chattimals. Oh. I don't know. I bring this up because of this. Were they spelled the Nashville way? Yeah. The best thing about them is, like, you press it, and you don't know if you're going to

get the super high voice or the low one. So, like, we used to walk low one. So you get super high. And then you're like, hey. No, but you just press the hand. My kids would be at school, and I would just press it and be like, Chatham. They would say what they are? Chatham. Well, the Chatham County Sheriff's Office is trying to return a bike to its owner.

And due to its size and appearance, officers believe the bike belongs to a little girl. Wait, what if it was one of those dumbass bikes? Little pink bikes? No, I'm talking about the ones that people ride that are like super tall. Have you ever seen those? Like the seat is so high up. Like the king of the douchebag bikes. You're like, oh, okay.

Or like one of those beer parades. I've seen these people in New York. Those are so dumb. Let me pedal for my... That's very national. That's so national. That's so natural. That's so natural. You guys want to get hammered and do cardio?

Dan, I'm talking about the super high. I know. I know exactly what you're talking about. So there's like a. What is it called? Penny farthing. Oh, I never heard that. Aaron, penny farthing.

Through the wall. Through the wall. So the idea is like the only reason you have a bike like that is so that people to pay attention. To people to ask you like, how do you get up on that thing? Well, I got to stand on a wall. And then I. You know, this, first of all, first, first point of something.

Parliamentary procedure. Yes. I want to get a little baby monitor for Aaron out here so that at any point, or even a walkie talkie. Walkie talkie is probably even a walkie talkie. Walkie talkie's probably been a walkie talkie. At any point, he can go, it's a goddamn penny farthing? Penny farthing. Isn't that a show on BBC?

No. It's a penny um, I know what you're talking about. Is that a small town? Penny farthing is a small town priest in Scotland who solves crimes on PBS. I would watch that right after Rick Steves. I love when Scottish people solve crimes. Don't you?

A priest? You're like, wait a minute. He shouldn't be drinking like that, should he? Yes, he should. Okay. So they think that the bike that they have here that the guy stole belongs to a little girl. Investigator said last week an escaped inmate was caught on the side of the road awkwardly speed pedaling a small bike. So you can't go that fast on those things.

The legs going like this. Some giant like Aryan dude in a wife beater with like swastikas all over him. You're almost better. So hard. You're almost better on foot. Yes. He's like going backwards. Just run.

Right. It's a good idea in principle yeah i saw a tiktok video of a guy who bet another guy that he couldn't get off the bus and run to the next stop in time to catch the bus by the way how has no one thought of this bet this is the greatest man ever doors open he gets out runs, runs as fast as he can. And then you see the bus start to catch up with him. I'm like, oh, he's toast. But then you don't realize that the stop isn't that far away. And he gets there and he's out of breath and he made it.

And I'm like, this gives me faith in humanity. This story takes away that faith in humanity. The pro move is get in front of the bus. Oh, yeah. But then you're going to find out what type of bus driver you have. Someone who's drinking on the job or texting. In Chicago, like along State Street, the stops are so frequent on the red line. I did have times where I got down there and it was just taking off.

And I sprinted. You can just run from one stop. For like two or three stops, you can essentially just run from one stop to the next. And you made it. And you made it. A victory. Okay. Investigators said the inmate traveled Investigators said the inmate traveled at least how many miles

before getting caught? On a children's bike. So he's on a children's bike pedaling for his life in prison. Five miles? I say five. That's so far. No, it's not. I think he went the distance. Jesus. By the way, five miles on a bike is not. Five miles running is far. That's a degenerate marathon.

A degenerate Ironman. Five miles on a kid's bike? Five miles on a kid's bike? Do you know how much your rotations would be? I changed my mind. Two miles. Two miles. Two miles.

We shamed her. Then I'm going to steal a mile shame. I'm going to steal Gordian's answer. I'm going to say five miles. Because also, because the other side to why five would be good is like, how fast and hard and far would you pedal to not go back to jail? I mean, you really don't want to go back to prison, I would assume. I got five.

Five on it. You got five on it. I'm going to say this should have been a scene in Shawshank Redemption. Right. Get rid of the- And as he's pedaling, rocks from the yard come out of his pants and you hear like Morgan Freeman Andy Dufresne

so I climbed aboard the tiny bike. Andy Dufresne cost me two packs of cigarettes that night. He didn't make a sound. It was a child's bike. I would try but I don't have a good one. One little Morgan Freeman.

I'm Morgan Freeman. I'm Morgan Freeman. I'm Morgan Freeman with a cold. You just say who you're doing. I'm Morgan Freeman. Every impression you do is you announcing who you are. I love it. I'm Fortune Peebs. I'm Fortune. Four miles. Four miles.

Ashamed her. Five. We're going to help you win. One of you. One of us is right. Four miles. Four. Ashamed her. Five. I know. What if it's five? We're going to help you win. Okay. One of you. One of us is right. Is exactly right. So now we get to guess. Now we get to play the game.

Who do you think is exactly right? Do you want to stick with yourself? I'm sticking with myself. I'm going to stick with her original answer. Five. I'm going to save me. Okay. Get your answers in, YouTubers.

Write it in the comment. Write it in. Write it in the timestamp that you were right. Yeah, shut up. Play the game. Play along. Or just yell it out wherever you are. Yeah, yell it at your ham radio.

Because he traveled two miles. Thank y'all for shaming me into. We assisted you to the victory. You stepped in. You were in the batter's box. You took a swing. Then you stepped out. You reassessed the pit.

Hang on a second. Let me choke up a little bit. We helped aid and abet her picture. We'll throw this picture up at the end of YouTube. And you can also get it on social media and stuff like that. But this is the bike. It says La Jolla. Oh, that's not as bad as I thought.

It says La Jolla on it. It is not built for speed. No. It's a beach cruiser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if you're the girl whose bike it is are you like i need a new bike this has now been dirtied by there's nothing about this bike that indicates that it's for a girl or a boy it's for someone who wants to ride a bike someone who wants to

cruise right it's a cruising so they're trying to get it back to the owner yes and i hope they find that some guy they're like we've been looking for a little girl this is my gender assigned my 46 year old accountant why am i this is my favorite buddy all of his friends are like uh is jeff coming over is he gonna bring his little girl bike or what's he gonna do come on a little basket in the front that was the most bizarre thing stephen ellis said they have not indicated who's why he was watching That was the most bizarre thing Stephen Ellis said. They have not indicated who Stephen Ellis is. Why he was watching it. That's the most bizarre thing. He had to weigh in on this.

What does Stephen Ellis think about it? That was the most bizarre thing I've ever seen. He explained he did not think he'd be the one to stop escaped inmate Ricky Roach. Okay, so he must be a police officer. Oh yeah. The inmate's name is Ricky Roach? Yeah, Dan. Ricky Roach to Okay, so he must be a police officer. Oh, yeah. The inmate's name is Ricky Roach? Yeah, Dan. Ricky Roach to me feels like the guy who

hosted the Headbangers Ball on MTV in like 1993. Or a wrestler. Or like a guy who's like, I'm friends with all the Beastie Boys and I used to know all of them forever. My man J.D. and Ricky Roach. Ricky Roach does sell fake concert tickets.

100%. Ricky Roach is like. That work. What if he made a business of selling Roach gloves? Yeah. So like he collects from parties all the Roaches that aren't smoked. Exactly. And then he connects them with a little clip attached to a raccoon. You think he calls himself the exterminator?

It's a. Ricky Roach. Ricky Roach. Quote, I was in. You can't kill me. I'm Ricky Roach. I was in as much shock as anybody else would be when you look out and see the person they are looking for standing right in front of your mailbox. And you're thinking, what's going on now? So this cop's having his morning coffee, looking out the window.

He's not even looking. He must be hearing a scanner or something. We got someone on a kid's bike. And there he is. A little girl's bike. A little tiny. And you just hear in the background. And then what if Steve Ellis is like, that doesn't really look like a girl's bike to me.

Gotta be a different guy. I'm gonna let it go. I'm gonna let it go. It looks like a beach cruiser. Guy with a low jack on his leg just pedaling really fast. Would a girl have a beach cruiser? I don't know. Ellis is a reserve deputy for the Ashland City Police. Last Thursday, he heard on his radio that Roach was riding down Ellis' street on a bike.

I was in the kitchen, and I looked out the bay window, and to my surprise... Okay, humble brag. You have a bay window. I could have just said I looked out the window. What kind of a window was it? I peered over the bench, the ample bench seating. I was sitting in the banquette. Well, that's the worst luck ever to happen to be rolling past a reserve cup window.

Of all the windows. And you are winded. Of all the bay windows. Yeah, of all the bay windows. I was sitting in my open concept kitchen. We just put an island in that's also a bit of a breakfast nook. I walked around that next to the wolf's. So I looked out our bay window.

And I go through the garage. I'm standing right next to my Lexus, at least. Okay. He says I was in the kitchen out the bay window hit the guy we're looking for roach was on the run for how many hours at this point two miles oh but he's been on the run before so there's time where he was on the run before the bike i don't think much though but i don't know i'm inferring how long does it take to ride a mile on a bike i'm not great at this i don't think he got out of jail found the bike and went so i think he's been on the run for a little bit but it's up to you i'm gonna say he was on the run for

an hour okay five hours okay three hours five. Roach was on the run for two hours. Okay. Finally, he escaped from the hospital in Ashland City and eventually picked up a bicycle with... This is when I knew... A bell on it. No. He picked up a bicycle with only one pedal. Oh, my God.

No. It was a broken body. So he's going in circles? No, but he must be just on the bar on one. One leg. This goes back to what Fortune said. You're better off without the bike. At some point... Ricky Roach, get on foot.

For him, he was like, hey, if I ever get out of here, I'm riding a bike again. And also on foot, you can go into a... Is there a forest around? You're limited by the bike in terms of what you can jump on and stuff. Everyone knows when you escape prison, you find the nearest woods. Find the woods.

Ellis said by the time Roach made it from the hospital to Bell Street, which is his house, on the bike, he was exhausted. Of course. One pedal? One leg hurt really bad. I mean, Lance Armstrong does it with one ball. This guy's doing it with one leg, one pedal. I told him to get down, Ellis said.

And Roach replied, I'm not going to run anyway. I'm tired of running. I'm just going to lay here. He's done. He's done. That's it. He's spent. I'm out.

Maybe there should be a test for anyone that wants to escape prison. They're like, we'll let you try. Right. Leave a one pedal bike. A bike with one pedal. I mean, there's people who say, like, with Alcatraz, you didn't need any walls. Yeah. You could just be like, hey, if you want to go for it.

The sharks will get you. The sharks will get you. Or the water or the current. Yeah, no one has ever made this. Endurance is going to get you. One bike, and then it just, that's where people stop. So he just got to the point where he was like, I don't care anymore. So what they do is.

I'd rather lay down and just be done. And go back to it. They make housing, this is the long play. They make housing two miles away from the prison really affordable for reserve police officers. Bay windows. Bay windows and everything. You can get a house and put a bay window in your kitchen. And so like, and they put a series

of one pedal bikes just outside and they're like, go ahead, try this kid. And then you'll wind up in front of some reserve cop's house because this is the neighborhood that they all live. You just sold a show to Fuse TV. You don't even know it, Graham. To Fuel TV? Yeah, there you go. Called Reserved.

Called I've Got Reservations. have you guys ever seen this reminds me too like i've seen this uh just from all years working bars where like two guys will get in a fight and if it goes on long enough and thankfully no one gets like really really hurt right they just get so tired yeah they're just like i don't really want to damn they can't even like you picture marathoners collapsing like this dude was just like hey man i imagine getting punched isn't as cool as it looks in the movie no or the punching probably yeah i think it hurts your hand there are times where i watch bull like bull riding and the bull will come out of the gate buck buck buck buck buck and then after while, the bull just stands there. The bull's like,

all right, I'm done. We're done. I did this. Get off my back so I can now go after a clown. Yeah. The Chatham. Excuse me, not a clown.

An alcoholic. They spelled it differently here. In the beginning of the story, this was spelled C-H-E-A. Now it's C-H-A-T. Dan, I don't have any faith in them. I was watching the news the other day and day, and it was like a major news station was talking about Brittany Griner's release, and they called her Brittany Grinder. I'm like, she's not an app.

She's not on Grinder either. It's Griner. Like, how do you? Who screwed this up in the typing in? Is this like an autocorrect thing? Anyway. who screwed this up in the typing in is this like an auto correct thing anyway well the chatham i think spelled correctly now yes county sheriff's office is trying to return the bike that roach took neighbors have offered to repair the bicycle or buy the owner a new one i love this now great

so this is what i love if the bicycle is yours you can contact the chatham spelled differently again county sheriff i'm not joking at 615-792-4341. My dream is that someone in the Dumb People Town world sees the picture, knows whose bike this is. And gets it back. If you do, let us know. If this happens, you have to let us know. You'll get a better bike.

You'll get a better bike. You'll get two pedals. And Stephen Ellis will drop it off to you. Stephen Ellis, get your house. Leave his bay window to drop it off to you. I put down my Nespresso because I have a new machine on the marble countertop, looked out my bay window and said, what am I doing here? This guy's pulling up on my lawn. You're living the life this year.

It's a waterfall ledge counter. You don't need to know that. The ax flash is the same as the countertop. Don't worry about it. It's all one piece. We had it all cut. It's Caesarstone. Whatever. Anyway. Here nor there. Here about it. It's all one piece. We had it all cut. It's Caesarstone. Whatever.

Anyway. Here nor there. Here nor there. That's story number one. I love it. There you go. First story down in the books. Nice.

When we come back after the break, we'll find out what Fortune's doing, how you can follow Fortune Feenster, the great support, follow, watch live performances, movies. She's in so much stuff. I'm so excited. We'll do that after the break.

We'll let you know what we've got going on. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around in so much stuff. I'm so excited. We'll do that after the break. We'll let you know what we've got going on. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get into all the great things that Fortune is doing and how you can follow and support her, I believe this is going to

come out in January. Yes, this will be out in January either second week or third week of January, 10th or the 17th. So we got big news. We are all, Randy and I, if this is before the 18th or the 21st, we're going to be in Denver, Colorado at Comedy Works. Comedy Works, the

South Club. Have you ever done the South Club? Yeah. Big Club. So come on out if you want to see us there. And then the first weekend of February, we're going to be in San Diego at the American Comedy Company. And then the first weekend of February, we're going to be in San Diego at the American Comedy Company. And then on Sunday, flying up to San Francisco because Sunday night, one night only, one show only.

We're doing live Dumb People Town at Cobb's Comedy Club. I believe Rob Hubel is in to be our guest. He's checking his production schedule. I would love it if he was the guest. He wants to do it. So hopefully him and maybe we'll add another. But the point is, this is a 20th year anniversary of of sketch fest we were there at the very beginning first second one second one second one we've been doing it for decades this is i think the last uh one last

shows of the whole festival it is the last you've done sketch fest have you in sf oh it's so fun did i do it i think sure you probably maybe once yeah so it's really fun. Did I do it? I'm sure you probably have. Maybe once, but I don't know. They hold it over several weekends, and so this is the very last weekend. Actually, I don't know if I have done it. You should do it, damn it. I was thinking of Clusterfest. No, I don't think I've ever done Clusterfest. Clusterfest is outside of SF, too.

It's super, super fun, so come check us out in San Francisco. Come see all of us at COBS. It'll be the most fun. 7.30, February 5th, COBS Comedy Club, San Francisco. We'll see you then. And Daniel, you got stuff too at danielvankirk.com.

Yeah, go to danielvankirk.com. Every Wednesday at the Lyric Hyperion Theater, it's the Lyric Comedy Hour with myself and Irene too. And you can go every Wednesday and see me do that show, hosting it with other great comics every single week.

And then I'll be in Denver for sure in April, but everything's up at danielvancourt.com i love it fortune where can people see you where can they see stuff that you've done that's listened to you watch all that stuff i just had a netflix special come out called good fortune so good uh came out yeah recently it so there's that one and the sweet and salty one was the one before that great uh i'm doing a whole new tour that starts the end of january going awesome tons of places where can people find all the dates fortunefeimster.com fortunefeimster.com love it go see her she's so fun and so sweet i love that

you're like i'm just working on brand new material i don't know if this works and you crushed and it was so fun and i was like god there's stuff in every single one of these bits thank you yeah hang on to those those are good oh yes you know that's that part where this i'm going back on tour sooner than i would normally i'm not giving myself a ton of time to work out this material so i'm in like high gear right now trying to think by the way i think you could probably do a bit or two from your yeah i might throw in a couple like i wouldn't like don't you don't have to have a whole no one's gonna because there are people i'm sure who are like classic bit right who haven't seen the netflix special who brought someone was like you gotta see her do this bit well in the last tour because we had all that time at home i did not do any old material so and a bunch of people

had like sweet and salty shirts and stuff on and i didn't do anything from that special and they were mad so maybe i'll do a one all right we're giving you permission okay we grant permission no but i mean it's true like says comics we're always like well we gotta do yeah it's like the opposite for bands like if you go to a concert to your favorite band and they're like we're gonna do the new album tonight instead everyone's gonna be like fuck what yeah i want to do the new album tonight instead. Everyone's going to be like, fuck. What? No. I want to hear the hits. Well, I hope so. I'll throw in a few hits. But yeah, I had to go back on the road sooner because I was filming this crazy action series in Toronto.

And that show comes out sometime in 23. Are you allowed to say who's in that with you? Yeah, it's Arnold Schwarzenegger is the main person. That's awesome. And we're hoping we'll be back next summer. We don't know yet. Was he fun to work with? Oh, so fun.

So fun. Did he know your comedy? Oh, yeah. Did he watch you do comedy? Did he know? Yeah, he posted on his Instagram about my special, and he does a big newsletter. I mean, these are millions of people that watch uh listen not listen read his newsletter that are just a part of and uh yeah so he's like i bet you get a

bunch of new fans from his fans maybe i mean he's so beloved especially internationally you know so like he here's how beloved he is he had a marginal governorship, which would sink a lot of people. It'd be like, Oh man, he, he still loved. It's almost like, who cares?

You were the guy. And he still acts kind of like the governor. He shakes hands. He has a chief of staff. He's very, uh, he, he does like tons of volunteer work.

Like he's cool. We went to his house in October and is he where like up in Carmel or where does he live? No, he's in LA. And then, uh, he has all these like cool, um, he, he, you know, he's been in all these iconic movies. Of course. And he has like stuff from those sets. No way.

I held like the Conan, the barbarian. It's like a planet. Hollywood. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it is a planet, but it is, he lives in a planet. So I got seated at a two toptop uh the chicken fingers were amazing and i got to hold conan the barber and i haven't been to his office but i think he said his office has even more of these cool movies not only from his movies but a bunch of like iconic in his office he has a stuffed version of will cheap stop get into this story should we get into the second story

fortunebeamster.com go see her live and all the good stuff she's doing okay you ready for this yeah this was sent in by beck s at dr bx underscore okay dr becks i don't think we've done this yet sure and also we should remind everybody we are we are doing this we've said youtube a couple times it's going to be on All Things Comedy's YouTube channel. It'll be its own playlist there. You can go and listen. So go and subscribe and like all of these. And if you're watching this for the first time because you stumbled across us through the channel,

you can send in a story to us. You are our dumb reporter. Dumb boots on the ground. The way you do that, as we said earlier, it's just through Twitter. And you can do at DanielVanKirk, at SklarBrothers, hashtag Dumb People Town. We try to pick whoever sent it in first. OK.

Fortune. Yes. Jay, you ready for this? Yeah. Cabrera home invasion trial. Is that the Italian restaurant? Yeah. That's if you go to Cabrera's, you

get the carbon era. We had a one. Didn't we have a Casa Gallardo? So there was a there was a Mexican restaurant in St. Louis, which no better place to get Mexican food than in a landlocked center of the country. There is not one Mexican person. All right.

So it was called Casa Gallardo. Which we're like, is Gallardo? Is it Gallardo or Gallardo? Gallardo. Gallardo. Gallardo. G-A-L-L-A-R-D-O. Casa Gallardo. We were watching a-A-L-L-A-R-D-O. Casa Gallardo.

We were watching a cheerleading competition on cheap seats, and the cheerleaders were dressed like they were magicians. Magicians at a Mexican restaurant. To which we were saying, there should be a Mexican magic restaurant called Casa Cadabras. All right. We got there. Canberra.

Canberra. We looped the airport a couple of times. Fortune Loved It. Fortune Loved It. Casa Cadabra. I was on the edge of my seat. Are these Tostitos Tostados yours? That's great.

Is this yours? You want to see these fajitas stop smoking? Investors, get your checkbooks out. You want to see these fajitas stop smoking? Investors, get your checkbooks out. You want to see these fajitas stop smoking? Boom. Canberra home invasion trial abandoned as doubts linger over identity of the perpetrators. This is such an interesting story. What?

So they're being tried, but now they're stopping? Doubts are lingering over are these the perpetrators? This is such a crazy story, and there are so many moments here. Okay. A criminal trial about a violent home invasion that involved a confrontation

over a cheesecake. Mmm. So. Say that to me again. A violent confrontation over a cheesecake. That involved a confrontation

over a cheesecake. And this didn't happen in a New York deli? No. Or a factory? The Golden Girls house. Hey. It was Bea Arthur has abandoned Wait. Somebody a factory? The Golden Girls house.

It was Bea Arthur. Thank you. Has abandoned. Wait, somebody got in a fight over a cheesecake. And the trial has been abandoned due to confusion over the burglars' identities. Okay. You ready for these names? Yeah.

These are upper crust people. James Gregory Elliott, three first names. Yeah. JGE. And Corey and Jackson Corey Allred, which are three last names. Yeah. I think you should combine the names. Yeah. JGE. And Corey and Jackson, Corey Allred, which are three last names. Yeah. I think you should like combine the name. Like if I said his name was Gregory Jackson or Elliot Corey.

Both these names feel like they were punched up. James Allred, right? Face charge. You put on those Allred shoes. Those are really comfortable. They're more comfortable. Have you had the Allred coffee?

It's amazing. Have faced charges of aggravated burglary, aggravated robbery, and damage to the property over an incident in the South Canberra suburb of Chisholm. So I think this is England. Am I right? Yeah, it feels like it. The AC, where? Capital of Australia.

You need a walkie talkie. He needs a walkie talkie. I need a baby monitor. Thank you, Aaron. Give Aaron the baby monitor. Thank you, sir. And when we get a walkie talkie, I want full walkie talkie talk. I baby monitor Thank you Aaron Give Aaron the baby monitor Thank you sir And when we get a walkie talkie I want it to

I want full walkie talkie talk I want like CB Over Come back Aaron for guys And then we'll go Over

Go for guys Go for you And then he'll say it Over Yeah over And I'll just the whole time Be like what channel are you on Are you on one or are you on two

Six How many times do you hear that on ten one What channel are you on What's your ten one We're on two Anyway Alright so the ACT Supreme Court Not theC, All Things Comedy Supreme Court. No.

The ACT Supreme Court heard this week. They do the tests. Supreme Court. This went all the way up to the Supreme Court. Okay. Wow. I heard this week that the two- Roe versus Cheesecake.

The two men allegedly forced their way into a unit through the garage door at about what time on July 7th, 2020. So what time did they force their way into- I'll never forget what time on July 7th 2020. So what time did they force their way into? I'll never forget where I was on 7-7. 8.30 p.m. 8.30 p.m. Daniel, what do you think? It's just past dinner. I mean, it's time for cheesecake.

You're talking cheesecake time? That's the cheesecake hour. I still don't know if they stole cheesecake or there was a fight over cheesecake as these people were trying to steal other things. Dan, I'm going to get into it. I know. Daniel, we're going to get into it. You say 1 a.m.

I'm going to say 3 a.m. 3 a.m. Oh, late night. Get your answers. Sorry. I was just thinking of Matchbox 20. Yeah. Stream.

I must be hungry. All right. This is how at what time on July 7th, 2020, the confrontation they all busted into the unit through the garage door at 10 p.m. She was right. She was right. Prosecutors said one of the men pointed a gun at the resident who was in the garage and demanded his car keys. Wait, the guy in the garage demanded the other guy's car keys?

This is bad writing. No. Pointed the gun and demanded his car keys. Give me your car keys. Money and hydro set. Hydro set. Hydro set. I guess maybe. Is that weed?

Is that something for a car? I don't know. Maybe it's like boots. Cars go faster. Give me the hydro set. If you told me like this year's Christmas craze is all the kids want hydro sets. I'm going to be like, okay. While the other man allegedly hit him on the shoulder with a machete.

Okay, hold on. Now what part of the machete did he hit him with? It must have machete okay hold on now what part of the machete did he hit him with it must have been the flat blade yeah right bang i know i'm hoping it's a hit he hit him he still has his arm also give the guy a chance to give you the fucking keys yeah he's like ow i was reaching in my pocket i can't use this arm you didn't even wait for my response you know what now you have to get the keys you You get in my car. You get them. All right. I'm bleeding. How am I going to ride in my hydro set now? All right. Okay.

So the court heard that Mr. Elliott and Mr. Elrod then went in the home where they were confronted by another man who was visiting the victim. So this is just someone who's visiting and and cooking a cheesecake oh that is a nice home guest right first of all is it cooking it's i think it's baking baking a cheese like if someone's cooking what are you making on that on the grill up there i'm just barbecuing i'm grilling a cheese wait yeah because because doesn't it set like in the fridge like you're not fortune if you came to visit my house and stay at my house, and you were in my kitchen with the bay window,

and you started messing around the kitchen, I'd be like, what are you doing? And you're like, I'm cooking. I'm cooking a cheesecake. I'd be like, you're drunk. You're doing it wrong. You should be making it. Why are there so many pots?

I'm grilling it. Don't grill it. It's got onions in it. This is the best. Sounds like the worst cheesecake ever. No! Prosecutor Beth Morris-Rowe said that the visitor had a large carving knife

and allegedly said to the pair, this is the quote that puts it in Dumb People Town. Yeah. Well, you fucked my cheesecake. Game on. That sounds like a movie line. This sounds like a Schwarzenegger line. You fucked my cheesecake.

You fucked my cheesecake. Brought a kitchen knife to a machete fight. Or you brought a machete knife to a kitchen fight. If he's got a big old butcher knife, that's against a machete. This guy cooking acake really loves cheesecake. The court heard the two men then stole a portable safe and left through the garage before kicking down the unit's front door. So these guys screwed it up in every possible way. They left through the garage but kicked down the front door. They stole a safe.

How did they get a portable safe? The victim was then hit a final time before the pair allegedly stole his mother's handbag and ran away. What? To her? So many things. Why am I being brought into this? Yeah. I was just waiting for a cheesecake.

Okay. How long does it take to cook that thing? You got to cook it up. You got to cook it good. You got to cook it good. You got to flip it. A witness allegedly saw the men leave the unit in the mid-2000s white Holden ute with a damaged tailgate and missing grill. So you have a lot of things wrong with this car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you basically are saying we're going to get caught.

Yeah. It's a lot of easily pointable, you know. Yeah. We can distinguish your car. Just look for a car without a grill. That's like you've now narrowed it down to six in the area. And that's it. Police say they found the ute at another home in the same suburb about an hour later.

Yeah, I know. Jay, I got that. Officers told the court they found the two accused inside that home. Eating a cheesecake. What happened to the cheesecake? Someone cooked this really nice. In the home. So that's, I guess this is their home.

So now they're back at their house. Maybe. And that Mr. Elliott had a smear of blood on his hand. Are we sure that's not strawberry juice? Strawberry sauce on a cheesecake. What's the best cheesecake you've ever had, Dan? Oh, I like a good, like, you know, it's like they call it turtle sundae. Oh and like oh yeah the cheesecake factory is still still kicking it oh gee it's

still doing it i think their menu is too small if they had a few more options i would go there but i love it when they put like 5 000 more calories on an already large calorie like put peanut butter, chocolate, Do you not care? You can't care. You can't care. You just,

I'm there for the five cheese pasta, add chicken, penne noodles. Let's throw that cheese on there. So police say that they found another home in the suburb. Officers say that, okay,

they found that. Police search Mr. Alred and allegedly found keys to the ute between his clenched buttocks. Yes. So this guy, you try to eat cooked cheesecake with keys stuck between his buttcheeks. They found them in nature's pocket.

Everything about this is amazing. But why were his keys in his butt hole? Because he didn't want people. What? That car out front? Oh, because that's where the safe is somewhere? No, no, no. The only way he can get an erection is he's eating cheesecake, keys in his asshole.

Someone turn him on. Someone turn him on. Someone turn him on. He's like, that can't be my car. I don't have the keys. I don't have the keys. Where would you find such keys? Open your ass. He coughs and it falls out. He coughs and you hear the car unlock.

Whoop, whoop. Whoop, whoop. The trunk opens up. All right. Literally. Police then searched the ute, found the sandbag, handbag, the safe, an imitation handgun and a machete, which had DNA on it consistent with the victims. How are these not the guys? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. We're still arguing that there's confusion as to whether these are the guys? Oh, yeah. I forgot. We're still arguing that these are the guys. There's confusion as to whether these are the people. Yeah. The court heard that there was no question the home invasion took place. Right. We're not arguing that. The issue was whether the two accused were the men who carried it out.

He's got the keys between. This, to me, is like an open and shut buttocks case right here. Are there other guys with three names? One three first and one three last? that would be the argument right the only defense you have is that like we've always been at this house someone else brought all this stuff here yeah we were here everything we aren't the same two guys in the police interview the victim initially said he thought he recognized the eyes of one of the intruders as a friend from high school no No. I wouldn't say friend. I know. Wow. A man who was not one of the accused. He was voted most likely to rob my house and steal my cooking.

He had the sexiest eyes in high school. Sure. I think it was. I think it was. It was a smoky eye. Probably. Nationalization. Maybe what had happened at the time to try and cope, the victim said later.

This is so weird. But so he thought the eyes reminded him of a high school, which is different than these two guys who had all the evidence. This is what happens. The handbag keys up the butt, the whole thing. This is what happens in trauma. Your mind tries to connect things. I don't know. Well, it's inside his butt.

That's for sure. It's inside somewhere. But prosecutors dropped the charges Wednesday and the trial was abandoned because of questions over the identity. So these guys get to steal again. Old machete. All because the victim said, these aren't the guy's eyes. It reminds me of someone from high school.

He let his own. At what point do you say, what are we doing tomorrow? To the person who's visiting. What do you want to do tomorrow? Yeah, we can cook some more cheesecake if you want to. Also, how many people have ever visited your house and then started making anything? At 10 p.m. today.

Let alone a cheesecake. They're drunk, right? It's so presumptuous. It's so much. They've got to be drunk. So we were at a party at the RV, the karaoke RV, which is the most party and at, at the RV, the karaoke, which is the most fun thing ever at our friend Sam's house. And the super drunk girlfriend of a friend of a friend was there.

And she was so drunk. Yes. I remember this at, he had postmated a taco to his house and she goes into, and it was his, the guy whose house it was so generous to let people there. And she's like, whose taco is this? She's really drunk. And he's like, that is this she's really drunk and he's like that's mine i order don't

eat that i ordered i'm looking forward to eating it and she's like can i just have it he's like no you cannot have this taco so she then this is how drunk she is because i think you're right one taco right a one taco post made that shit to me and I want it delivered on a gold platter. One taco situation. You take off one of the, the cut. And also that drunk logic. That Uber Eats order was $3.57. And $10 in fees.

$10 in fees. That drunk logic when you're being, you've already been told a thing and you want to know if the other thing can still happen. Can I have it? No, you cannot have it. Can I just have it? No, there cannot have it. Can I just have it? No, there's no more information.

Guys, she gets like this. She's great. You're going to love her. Just let her have it. Just take one bite. I don't want you to take one bite. Give her a Dorito and she'll think that's it. Oops, I ate it all.

No! I took one bite and then the whole thing went into my mouth. Hey, that's my girl. She asked. She asked. That's on you guys. I asked. Here's the best thing that leads to what we're talking about here is that when she was denied the taco she started opening up his cabinets to try and

make food yes like put took out a pan and took out a pot this is at a party late at night everyone's like what are you doing you never invite people to your house what are you doing don't you just walk over to her the person she's there with? She also could have Uber-eated. Is that the word? Uber-ate. One taco. Oh, that's a great thing, too. You just need to defer with a drunk person and be like, your taco's on its way.

No, that one's mine. Yours is coming. I just ordered one for you. I ordered one for you. You've got to wait out front. It's coming. It's coming. Wait two houses over and then call the cops.

You know what? You're probably going to want to go down to the corner. You're probably going to want to go down to the corner. Probably want to go down to the corner so they see. Who was with her? Was someone with her? Oh, yeah. Yeah, why don't you go to that person and go, hey, I think she's got to go. At this point.

And by the way, if it were a woman and her boyfriend or boyfriend and boyfriend, I don't care who it is. No, yeah. We said to him, you got to handle your partner. You got to handle this person. You got to handle your plus one. Handle your plus one. I think I give a good stern look and I go, think it's probably time to go yeah right and i'm

finishing i'm answering the question your voice gets so high and loud yeah time to go yeah yeah i think we're probably done yeah essentially what that person was who brought this drunk woman is like someone who thought their dog could be off leash inside of a restaurant. And you were like, she'll be fine. She'll be fine. And then she just starts eating everything. She's up on our fucking table. Eating our food.

Ran through the mud and is on our comforter now. She's fine. She's fine. I love a host who's like, fuck all y'all. I have given you my house. And I'm ordering one taco. This is what happens when you do mounds of cocaine. You order one taco. This is my sign to all of you. It's time to go.

I ordered one taco. My taco's here. My taco's here. When the taco comes, I better be alone eating it. I better be by myself. Everyone better be out of my house by the time my one taco gets here. Naked, eating a taco, and jerking off. All right.

That is story number two in the books, Jake. Oh, we're doing the transition. Give us a little taste of what we're going to hear in story number three, Jake. A cloud leaves a town in bewildered stitches. I love it. All right. That is it. You guys, and we're doing a new style of Patreon.

That's for you guys. Yeah, for sure. You send in your stories to us. It's dptpod podcast at gmail.com i believe that's what it is it should be posted up there right it should be posted up there but you send in your story or if you found a story before 2005 because that means you never you really want them to be your story though i know because it's whatever you can but i'm we're gonna pick we're gonna pick so but just send in and if it's into the even if it happened in your town

you have a connection to it. Send it to us, and that's where we're going to break down for our Patreons. But we have one more story to go. It's Dumb People Town.

Fortune Feimster. Don't go anywhere. All right. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to the show. The great Fortune Feimster is our guest. We are here on our new set. I love this set. I love this set.

Dumb People Town. You can check out her special Good Fortune. We talked about that in the last break. Oh, yeah. Sweet and salty. Sweet and salty. Great. They're on the old Netflix. Go check it set. I love this set. Dumb people town. You can check out her special Good Fortune. We talked about that in the last break. Oh yeah. Sweet and salty. They're on the old Netflix. Go check it out. I've heard of it.

Fire up the old Netflix and get it. Alright. Final story. I'm going to take you guys home. Let's do it. Here's the headline. It's sent in by Carleen McDermott. One of our favorite people who sends in stuff. She's prolific. She sends in a lot. She contributes a lot of dumb. She's not dumb. She is a very She contributes a lot of dumb.

She's not dumb. She's not dumb, but she finds it. She should get a dumb pension when she retires. You know how like people go to thrift stores and they're like, we went through

the Goodwill bins and my daughter goes to the Goodwill bins. She's like, I dug through everything and you just have to be good at sourcing this stuff. She goes through

the dumb bins and pulls it out. All right, here's the headline. Giant penis-shaped cloud leaves locals in stitches with stiff breeze jokes. stuff she goes through the dumb bins and pulls it out all right here's the headline giant penis shaped cloud leaves locals in stitches with stiff breeze jokes folks and folks a local facebook weather service has become the butt of the joke are they trying is this the new york of the joke i don't think so the butt of the joke after it posted a picture

of a cloud that looks like a penis. Okay. The forecaster warned locals. Is this from the post? What's so funny? I mean, it is funny that that's what it is, that it looks like a penis, but also like no one created that. And also, how long did it look like a penis for?

Right. 10 seconds? Dan, I'm going to show you. That's the thing when you see something and you try to get somebody to look at it. I'm going to show you this picture. Well, once you take a picture, of course, but I'm just saying, as it's happening, you have like maybe a minute. So then someone takes a picture of it and posts it. And you're like, okay, this is the greatest thing ever.

Like maybe there are chemtrails. Forecaster warned locals that the warmth seemed to finally be fading with colder temperatures penetrate. No, sneaking in. Colder temperatures. I know the barometric pressure is rising right now this cloud shaped snapped by a local weather service was a little bit different seemingly obvious to the phallic nature of the cloud canterbury highway and weather information said our lovely warm weather comes to an end with a southerly southerly hitting tonight

to bring a bit of rain nothing too crazy so this giant penis is going to spray all over this town oh my god it's going to put does it look like a dick it dan was the what was the weather um channel or whoever did it were they in on the joke or they just posted yeah they i'm sure they posted they do make jokes all right so what are their jokes it finds up a little thursday and friday before some more drizzle saturday easily for us a long weekend then it's long weekend long then it should warm up again next week the good people of facebook specifically those who are enthusiastic about weather in canterbury who are those people that's like the people hey fortune what are you what are you doing after you cook that cheesecake you're on facebook you're looking at

the canterbury weather on right what what does aunt sally do these days dan she's on facebook yeah she's in a weather group right yeah i mean thank god i don't have a weather just talk about weather let's talk about weather we look up the weather in canterbury and if anything yeah yeah they said uh the large cumulonimbus, that would be a smaller cloud in our Otago said chili Willie bit colder down there. Chili Willie. That's a person. Are you just reading Facebook quotes?

These are Facebook. We're just reading. They're trying to get colder. It suffers from. We're going to read other people's. Just make fun of them. And jokes is in quotes. I mean, looks like this southerly is coming in hard and going to give us a real pounding.

I don't feel like. That's what they're saying. I want you to look at this. Yeah, I want to see it. Tell me what that looks like. Dan, that's a penis. It looks like a. That's a large.

It's pointing upwards, right? It is pointing upwards. Well, it's not even just that. It has the base. Yeah, it has a base. It looks like a. If I knew large... It's pointing upwards, right? It is pointing upwards. Well, it's not even just that. It has the base. Yeah, it has a base. It looks like a... If I knew what a wiener looked like. It looks like...

We're going to show you for the first time. Same. Hit home. Same. It looks like a dildo is what it looks like. Oh, my God. Yeah, it definitely... From what I've heard of penises...

I mean, it's got curvature. It's pointed upwards. Yeah. It's got the little it's got the base on it too yeah it does six to eight inches they're expecting tonight six to eight six eight inches and then the bottom there's like a bottom part i guess would be the testicles yeah would be the balls that would be the balls so but this is this a gift or is this a nightmare like who it is on who you know yeah this all depends on who, you know.

For fortune, it would be like a... You know what this is? I hate to want this. Yeah, exactly. For a lot of people, that would be a pain in the ass. This is the porn version of Nope. Yeah, this is the porn version of Nope. Have you guys seen Nope?

I've seen Nope. I saw the first half, but yeah. You only the first half? I was on a plane and I haven't seen it. Have you seen it? Oh, this is a deep, not even deep cut. That would, it could be.

Speaking of deep cuts. He is cut. It's deep and it's a cut. If you've seen Nope, you are in line with that joke. I know I can't compete with the Facebook comments. That's yep. That's yep. That's from the movie Yep.

That's a, it's a pretty day in that picture. Gorgeous day. Beautiful day ruined by a giant penis cloud like if a tornado is a thing that people i mean it's even kind of bent like in a way that it feels like that it's so realistic you could have some pleasure from that bent for sure i guess yeah look that sometimes the universe gives you a gift like sometimes the clouds and then facebook ruins it with dumb comments right that's the clouds and then facebook ruins it with dumb comments right that's that's the sad part so facebook once again ruined a beautiful fun thing

i mean if i'm driving with my kid and i see that sky we're gonna laugh we're gonna laugh at that the way you just described just picture you seeing a big giant club giant dick what a beautiful dumb thing yeah yeah gorgeous like it is look what i don't believe in god but if i did believe in god look what she did look what she did for us that is a moment where there are a couple moments in this well like rain and i don't believe in like telepathy between the two of us but there was or or twin coincidences one time though do we tell you this dan we were driving to we said this on here and drive to the airport and uh both of us were driving from our separate places and both of us just had there's an explanation for this no but i peed before i

left the house anyway so we speaking of the penis cloud no uh we always call each other just to make sure the other ones are you up are you going to the airport because we got to go do this gig if you overslept on each other yeah just to make sure you called me and i you're like half my but you're like my paycheck depends on me. Depends on you getting up. This is the dumb part of like, this is like what turtle and entourage has to like, you know.

So I didn't answer the phone. Why? Because I had to pee so badly and I was only 10 minutes from my house. Oh, it does matter. And I had to pee. And I, there was no gas station,

no nothing nearby. I went into a 7-Eleven and the guy's like, do you know what 7-Elevens are? They don't have bathrooms. I'm like, yeah, but where do you go to? Yeah, you go yeah so he so i walked around the building in between two apartment buildings okay and knelt down like i was praying to god and peed oh you did

a low a low to the ground i figured someone saw me there it's five in the morning i know one's gonna say anything i watered the plants fine then i get back and i'm like where the fuck are you you gotta get worried and i'm like where the fuck are you you gotta worry that i'm not up i call him he doesn't answer his phone so he's like where am i i had to pee and i went between two buildings and had to pee so that's like this kind of that's like the penis cloud in the sky yeah every once in a while there's like god gives a gift some larger god gives a gift there's a person like larger. God gives a gift. Pete Holmes would be like, God gave this gift. You're welcome.

You're welcome. Isn't that wild that that happened? Yes. Isn't that crazy? That's crazy. That's a great way to end this episode. We all have some sort of twin thing. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know what it would be called. Everyone has their own penis in the sky. Twin tuition. Twin tuition. No, they don't have twin tuition. I mean, may the giant penis cloud in the sky Bless you with good weather

Good fortune and good happiness There you go and that is the show And oh shit guys we gotta get back to work We love you guys and we'll see you next time Boom Thank you Thanks for having me.