Dumb People Town - Fortune Feimster - Ketchup Karma

Episode Date: September 10, 2019

Fortune Feimster comes to town to talk about a man who aggressively demands a ride from a stranger. In story 2, a Cleveland bank robber provides too much info during a robbery. In the final story, karma catches up with a condiment thief. 

Skypains, out of here. Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And don't, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound All you're down is Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population you Population Feimster Fortune Feimster Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Feimster. Fortune Feimster. Welcome to the show. That is an awesome intro. Thank you. I'm glad you're here.

I got very excited at how the back and forth on that. It's like watching lovely tennis. It is like what? In the heat of the US Open. We're doing our version on the West Coast. Welcome to town, Fortune. Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

Something tells me that you, and not just your accent, but something tells me that you- North Carolina? Are you North Carolina? North Carolina, yeah. So, Tom Papa thinks he's the Midwest.

I know. He keeps saying I grew up in the woods. What? I'm like- Where in North Carolina? Right outside of Charlotte. Okay.

Tiny town called Belmont. Did you come up at the zone doing stand-up at the comedy zone or no? Was it around? I didn't learn how to do stand-up until I moved to LA. Wow. I decided to wait and learn at the comedy store. Oh, my God. Learn how to do stand-up.

It's like, I didn't learn how to ride a bike. I know. No, she makes it sound like riding a bike. It's like, you could always do stand-up. I didn't learn that skill. I guess I didn't explore that until. I guess I didn't explore that. I'm sure you were always funny. I was funny in my own way, but I could be a lot more shy than people realize.

I was the observer. And in your brain, you were saying the funniest shit ever. I thought I was so hilarious in my brain, but I wasn't sharing it with a lot of people. And that was the learning process. It's like, I got to turn what's up here inside out well i'm sure in your traverses that you uh have come across many dumb people oh yes more than i more than i cared and brag about so let me ask we pose it to all of our guests here do you believe the world is getting dumber kind of like a global dumbing as you it were, like global warming?

Or are we just hearing more about it? We're definitely hearing more about it because of social media. A lot more dumb stories are being presented to us on a daily basis, only because people are also trying to create news constantly. True. Where are the stories? What are the headlines? And so you're seeing a lot more of it. I do think there's less of an emphasis on education yeah and a lot of schools are uh having a lot less money so that definitely affects uh

um what people are learning which in turn yes yeah it's making people dumber we're producing dumber like if you ask kids what you want to be right now like eight nine ten year olds there are like instagram influence yeah i want to be right now like 8, 9, 10 year olds Instagram influencers I want to be an influencer YouTube star YouTube star Instagram influencer and what do most of them do? Dumb shit

that's right for sure that's how you get on let me do the cinnamon shovel hit me in the face challenge what's the cinnamon shovel

I just I want to do that what is it you guys built a ramp I don't know let's just make it up you eat a bunch of cinnamon and get hit in the face with a shovel. And then you sit on the handle.

And you try to keep the cinnamon in your mouth. Yes. Careful. Cinnamon shovel face challenge. Is that for ALS? Okay. Dan, come on. You got stories sent to you.

We get stories sent to us that we've never heard them. Randy and I. Fortune's never heard them. Yeah. Dan, barely. Barely heard them. sometimes i know it's good and i stop we're gonna work through it so dan let's get into it and what you got for us sent in by tony at ak fets underscore why not ak fets underscore why not and by why not it's literally

the letter y and then n o t a reedsburg man is charged with kidnapping after allegedly pulling a knife on a man and demanding a ride. Okay. This is- Old school Uber. Country Uber. Yeah. Country Uber.

You want five stars. You take credit cards or knives. Hey, are you Rick? No. You're Rick. I'm getting in, Rick. I'm not Rick. I don't know you, man.

Do we know if he ended up getting a ride? Oh, we know. Oh, he did. At about 5.30. Which, by the way, it is interesting that they call it kid napping. Even if it's a man taking another man. A man napping. It's man napping.

Which never happens enough in my life. And usually men aren't kidnapped very often. Not a lot of men are kidnapped. The ladies win in that department. Suck it. Suck it, guys. Wait, wait. I don't think that's what they're doing.

We're number one. Wait, Fortune. Number one in kidnapping is ladies. Don't brag about that. Ladies are the best. Do not brag about that. We get kidnapped. Why is she so proud of that? She's really proud of that. Have you't think that's what you want. Don't brag about that. Ladies are the best. Do not brag about that. We get kidnapped. Why is she so proud of that?

She's really proud of that. Have you seen Mark Norman's bit? No. Where he's like, the shit that a woman could say versus what a man... I had an older woman come up to me and say, ooh, I'm going to kidnap you. And I was like, if we reverse that... Nope. Nope.

It's like our Richard Simmons bit. When Richard Simmons on a plane sucked my thumb yeah i was like wait if i were to find a random person that i did not know before man or woman woman and just start sucking that person's thumb that's the moment where we find out who the air marshals oh it's that guy oh he's gonna spring into action okay all right okay at about 5 30 a.m oh that's early. I'm not guessing they got up at 445. It's hard to get a ride early in the morning.

This is from the night before. That's always a stress sleep when you're on the road and you've scheduled your Uber and you're like, they're not coming. You're just relying on someone else getting up. I don't ever schedule Ubers in advance. I don't trust it. I don't either. You got to do it in the moment. But even then you're like, and then some of the places where we build, we're like 17

minutes away. And you know they're in their house and they've accepted the thing. And now you're just waiting for them to leave their house. You're like, wait, it went up to 21 minutes? Right. Because they're just in their house. How long does it take you from the time you're like, all right, I need to leave it this time. And then when you get up, minimum six minutes.

You're so right. Okay. At about 530 a.m. on July 28th, Deputy Justin Wegmuller. Great last name. Great. Solid. Wegmuller.

Wegmuller. Could have stopped at Wegmuller. Weg. Wegmuller. What's up, Weg? Justin Weg. What's up, Weggie? Wegmuller was dispatched

to the New Lisbon quick trip for a report of a disturbance. I love a good quick trip. Yeah. Urge pizzas, urge soda, urge soap, urge paper towel. It's all brand urge. Urge overkill. You want to know something?

Wasn't that a band? Up at my family. I think we talked about this when I was on your show. My family, we have a little cabin up at Wisconsin. There's a quick trip. Been there. That is the healthiest place you can eat in the entire town. That's saying a lot I'm not joking either

Dan's right We've been to Yahoo's It's the only place that has salads That aren't iceberg lettuce That's hilarious Even healthier than the buffet At the foxhole Tale

Fox tale It's a strip club Because I used to have a buffet These parents gave it to their son And he was like Thanks for the business I'm turning this into a strip club Oh wow

I've eaten there many times Old and new. Okay. And they have no buffet. Yeah, there's no food service. There's a lot of new foods. They do have crabs. Hey-o!

At Fortune Feimster on Twitter. Send all the comments. I go every time I'm there now. They have a blackjack machine that pays out. Okay, here we go. Stop it, Dan. The reporting party...

That's the only slot you can put stuff in. Oh, right! God damn it. Here we go. Stop it, Dan. The reporting party... That's the only slot you can put stuff in. All right. God damn it. The reporting party indicated a man held a knife to another man's throat and demanded a ride to Reedsburg. Wegmuller arrived with two other deputies, Gordon and Bourgeois. Bourgeois.

Bourgeois. Bourgeois. B-O-U-R. He's a little bougie for my taste. G-E-O-I-S. It's Bourgeois. Bourgeois. Bourgeois. B-O-U-R. G-E-O-I-S. Bourgeois. When you say someone is bourgeois, they're like, he's a little bougie. They got some names of

wherever this is. I can tell you, it's from W-I-S-C News, and I think it's in Alaska. But I'm not sure. That's even harder to find rides there. I kind of's in Alaska. Oh, Alaska. But I'm not sure. That's even harder to find rides there. I kind of get it now. Is it weird to call a town Reedsburg when very few people can actually do that?

Reedsburg? Reedsburg? Don't think so. Not in this burg. Okay, Wegmuller arrived with two other deputies, Gordon and Bourgeois, and a state trooper, Lloyd. They're only giving last names for these other cops. You know, Gordon and Bourgeois and Lloyd. Gordon and Bourgeois and a state trooper, Lloyd. They're only giving last names for these other cops. You know, Gordon and Bourgeois and Lloyd. Gordon and Bourgeois is the entire police force.

It's the Alaskan Rizzoli and Isles. We've said it many times before. Once on scene, Wegmuller saw a man, later identified as Anthony Hansen, Anne Han, Anthony Hansen, standing by the side of the quick trip On his phone 530 in the morning Guy on side of quick trip

On his phone If you can't do what you need to do In front of the quick trip Then there's something up Something is up Something's going on You gotta go to the side Officers approached Hansen

Asked him to keep his hands up And not make any sudden movements And explained why they were there Okay Hansen complied and officers noted a strong odor of intoxicants emanating from hansen if they didn't there would be a problem that's true i'm totally sober pulling knives on people that's scarier that's finally you guys are here would you call us no then why i knew you were coming i bet are you guys going after this

there plays you yeah uh we're hanging out with you all night asked if he had a knife or any other weapons on him hansen said no wegg miller searched hansen and found a knife in his pocket he lied he's a liar we'll find out he definitely like, do you have a knife or any weapon? No. Do you have a knife? No. He reaches in and pulls it out. Don't look at my butt.

There it is. Do you have a knife? No. You have no knife on your person. No. Check me out. And then he pulls it out, and I just hope Hanson went, ta-da. Wasn't there before.

It's magic. I do have Wolverine claws give me some tape you're welcome stop it Wegmuller asked Hanson what had happened to which Hanson which is always if you're a cop

this is your favorite part of the interview tell me what happened this is where the cop gets to ask the most open ended question and just let the person go if I were a cop I would bring stopwatches and you would take bets on how long will this person talk

this is a form and it all this is where cops where if they're doing their job correctly sure they make the person feel like

we're on your side right we're here to figure it out we totally get what you're saying let's talk to you first let's find out how we got here

I used to do that when I was a bouncer in a bar if I knew I was kicking someone out to hear your side of it. We'll talk to you first. Let's find out how you pulled a knife on this jerk. I used to do that when I was a bouncer in a bar. If I knew I was kicking someone off, I'd be like, hey man, what happened? And then they'd start telling me, I can't, because of the bar, I can't hear you. And then they'd start again and I'd be like, dude, I need to hear your side. Let's go outside. Tell me what happened. And then we'd get

out there and be like, you can't come back in. So mean. So perfect. That's cold. That's a pretty So mean. What a trickster. So perfect. That's cold. That's a pretty good trick. I never knew that. Tell me outside. I can't hear you.

I have another trick, Fortune. I want to tell you outside right now. Don't do it, Fortune. Don't do it. Don't go. Just right outside here. Okay. Bye-bye.

No, don't go. Okay. So they asked him what happened, to which Hanson replied, he was abandoned and wanted to get to Reedsburg. When he was three, I don't know. I was abandoned. I was abandoned. A life of abandonment. I have mother issues.

I needed to get to Reedsburg. You didn't say you got ditched. You get left behind. Abandoned. That is a crisis. It's a deeper, more hurtful. Also, a drunk person wanting to use a word to prove they're sober. You know what I mean?

I was abandoned. This is a travesty. He's like, my bad. I meant to say a band-aid. You're not a band-aid. I need a band-aid. You need a band-aid. Get him a band-aid.

He said abandoned, but he needs a band-aid. Abandoned is such a choice of a word. It's a good word. No, it's a personal hurt. He was abandoned and wanted to get to Reedsburg. Hanson asked deputies several times if they could drive him to a woman in Reedsburg. Yeah. You take me to a woman?

A specific woman? Nope. His mother. Yeah. The abandoned. We got to find her. We got to find her, guys. I need to confront her. We her we gotta find her she left me in a garage she's gonna be so excited to see me nope it's 5 46 in the morning officers noted hansen's emotions

fluctuated rapidly between happy sad and angry yeah drunk this way abandoned people behave. Hanson told Wegmuller he'd been drinking at the bar from the quote, movie that Kurt Russell was in. Quote, the one with Kurt Russell. You know, Kurt Russell. Hanson kept repeating to the officers.

I'm sorry, that one doesn't ring a bell. Overboard? You don't know Kurt Russell? Big trouble in Chinese town that's not even the title little China in a big city follow me boys

when he didn't have a dad cause he was abandoned and Fred McMurray became his dad it's gotta be an older movie though I mean Kurt Russell is in movies

but he I don't know that he's starring in the movies not nowadays but these days wasn't he in uh he was guardians of the galaxy 2 yeah but would you say that was his movie no definitely not okay the kurt russell overboard was definitely is the call bone tomahawk so he was mad he He was angry, happy, and sad. And he keeps saying repeatedly, quote, the one with Kurt Russell, you know Kurt Russell. This is what I love.

These cops are good. I love it. Asked if he met the bar called Roadhouse in Nesita, Hanson said yes. That's Patrick Swayze. That's fucking Swayze. That's a real bar. The bar's name is Roadhouse? Yeah, but he needs to get his angels straight.

I was in that bar for the movie with Kurt Russell. You mean Roadhouse? Yes. Hanson said yes. It's right by the camp where they dance dirty. Yeah. Like I promised you, Patrick Swayze just rolled over in his grave. Because he's like, I didn't even get credit for that Just like rolled over in his grave Because he's like I didn't even get credit for that

He rolled over in his pottery wheel Hanson said his roommate You know our idea to remake I love Kurt Russell and Ghost Do you know our idea to remake the movie Ghost today And star Patrick Swayze Actual star Patrick Swayze You would ever know

Whoopi could still be talking to him In the making of the movie. Yeah. He comes back and talks. It's a documentary. Ghost 2 is a remake booting of the actual movie with actual Patrick Smith. And you call it a re-booting. That's clever.

Thank you. You made that joke. I just love that these cops are like, okay. He said it six times. Do you mean Roadhouse? They know what he means. They're just trying that these cops are like, okay. He said it six times. Do you mean roadhouse? They know what he means. They're just trying to get him as close to this. Hanson said his roommate dropped him off at the bar to help the owner close.

Now, you wanted to go drink. I'm going to help him. I got to help him close. It's just opening up. What do you mean? I'm going to drink 10 beers while he closes. They're just opening right now. You're going to help him close?

I got to. They clean the tables. I'm going to sit there and watch him. He needs me. He doesn't need you to watch. I'm going to hold a towel in my hand. Hanson, stop drinking the half cans. He needs me.

I'm going to put my mouth under the beer spigot. No. Just for a minute. I'm gonna put my mouth under the beer spigot. Just for a minute. I'm cleaning it. I'm cleaning it. That's not how we clean the pipes. I'm cleaning it. We don't clean it with our own mouths. You guys don't like Kurt Russell.

I hate you. That was Swayze. Oh, no. He's angry again. Hanson said his roommates dropped him off at the bar to help the owner close. He missed his ride, which that's the owner close. He missed his ride, which that's his whole life.

He missed his ride, so the owner told him to get a ride with her friend. Okay. I love that the bar is owned by a woman.

Can I just for one We don't have enough female bar owners in this world. Hanson got into a vehicle with a man whose name he did not know.

Don't ever do that. That means he just got into a random guy's car. He got into someone's car. He kept repeating. He got into someone's car who was like, now we got to deal with this. And I'm going to go to the quick trip and just leave. Tell him, hey, go out and get whatever you want and then just leave. He probably sat in someone's car seat.

Like a two-year-old's car seat in the back. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. I fit. I can't get the seatbelt on. He kept repeating. You know how I ate these Cheerios.

He kept repeating to officers the man was supposed to drive him to Reedsburg. Hansen claimed the man abandoned him at the New Lisbon quick trip when he went to buy cigarettes. The officers spoke to the report. How fast did that guy peel out the second he went out of the car like no he had to get he had to let him get far enough and i mean he peeled out like you've like smoking you're not gonna go anywhere no i'm turning off the car right now everything's i'll be right in there with you as soon as the day don't abandon me don't abandon me, okay? I'm right here, man. I've been through a lot. I'm right here, man.

Go in and get your cigarettes. Kerr Russell wouldn't abandon me. No way. It's Patrick Swayze. Go right in and I'll be right back. The officer spoke with the reporting party, aka the friend in the car, that I'm going to call Jeff just to keep this easy.

Why not? Jeff said he fled from the quick trip as soon as he was able. Of course. Jeff said he had almost run into Hanson in the middle of the road outside of Roadhouse. Also, all of this is on brand for Roadhouse. It is.

It's the way most people go home. That means the drunk guy threw himself on the guy's hood. Totally. Whoa! Hey! What's going on here? Are you Michael, my driver?

No. He almost ran into him in the middle of the road outside of Roadhouse and stopped to offer assistance. I don't want to get to blame here, but middle of the night. Do not... I mean, you can... Window cracked.

You can be like, you need any... Are you okay? I'm going to call you an Uber. Right. This is me person jumps out in front of my car scary person jumps out in front of my car as you're driving hit reverse as fast as you know knock him over and i and then crack the limiter a little bit as you're driving over him and saying i'm calling an ambulance for you yes like as you're pulling

away right it wouldn't be bad it's better than being out like, what do you need? Don't. Well, if you called him an ambulance, that way you'd get a ride to Reedsburg. Hanson told him, that's Jeff, he told Jeff he needed a ride to Reedsburg, but Jeff said he did not want to drive that far and offered Hanson a ride to a motel. Okay. That's fair.

It's not nicer than most people. Jeff took Hanson to St. Joseph Motel, but they wereff took hansen to saint joseph motel but they were unable to get a room there or at the motel across the street we got a real marion joseph situation i mean that's a lot of effort being put in by this guy a random guy right who maybe is the friend of the bar owner we don't know that he isn't and also like is he getting a motel room to be with this guy? Yeah, what's happening? Is that what's about to happen? Is this a love turn?

Because a motel is an odd place to take someone. Because they said they were unable to get in. Yeah, like they were both trying. You would just drop them off and say, good luck. But it sounds like they were like, let's see what we can get. Yeah, because at that point, you're so right. If it is a random person, you pull up to the motel. All right, buddy.

Take it easy. Have a good night. A little bit of a little on the hood, as you. Yeah, you got there to choose from and there to choose from. Two options. Yeah. But he went with him to get a room. That sounds suspicious.

After they were unable to get a room, Jeff stated Hansen pulled a knife, held it to his throat, and demanded a ride to Reedsburg. Fearing for his life, Jeff agreed to drive to Reedsburg. I'd be like, okay, we're going to Reedsburg. Yeah, sure. Fearing for his life, Jeff agreed to drive to Reedsburg. I'd be like, okay, we're going to Reedsburg. Jeff said he and Hanson got back into the truck where he convinced Hanson to stop at a quick trip for cigarettes. So that's Jeff being like, you need cigarettes. I'm saying Jeff is like batting a thousand right now. Except for stopping.

Except for every choice he made leading up to this. Once it was a crisis, Jeff is doing all the right things. He convinced Hanson to stop at Quick Trip for cigarettes. They both went into the store. So that was a real rookie move. But Jeff fled as soon as he had the chance. Once around the block, he called 911. I would have driven more than a block. Farther than a block.

Wegmuller asked Hanson if he pulled the knife on Jeff. Hanson initially said No But then changed his story And said the man Was hitting on him Asked And wanted to have Exchange money for sex

That's also not knife worthy You just go no Just say no thanks He goes I'm not Giving you those Blowjobs But I do need a ride

To Riesberg Also That's all a lie even if even if jeff hit on him they went to the hotel together moto so you were yeah you're right dan without a holodome they were they were he was not opposed to that was happening now i know why he said at the beginning you need to take me to reedsburg to see a woman. That's a lie too. It's establishing that he's straight. No homo. I'm going to see a lady. No homo. Stop saying that, sir. That's not going in the report.

There's a lady waiting on me, so no homo. You gotta stop. So what if, you know, when you think about a reed, a reed is like a long, thin reed. You can make noise out of it. Yeah, like you when you think about a reed, a reed is like a long, thin- Sure. You can make noise out of.

Yeah, like you can almost blow into a reed. Yes, you do actually. Guess what else you can blow? Hey! So hashtag no homo. I'm not putting that in the report. That's a euphemism. I want you to take me to Reedsburg.

He wanted to blow on my reed town. I'm taking you to Dixville. I love that he's like did you pull an F on him no and then instantly he's like okay yes because he wanted to have sex

asked about stopping at motels Hanson initially denied they had stopped at motels once pressed for more information he said they did stop at motels of course you're just a liar

Hanson just tell the truth they're gonna get it out of you in a minute and that Jeff had taken him to the motels to try and have sex with him.

All this is BS. Wegmuller placed Hanson under arrest, which led Hanson becoming upset and stating he did not understand. No. Of course you don't. Why am I the one getting arrested? Hanson claimed he was being placed this is my favorite excuse ever.

He was being placed under arrest for not performing oral sex on Jeff. No. That's not a law. That's not a law. You didn't suck his. All right. This is gay profiling. That's right.

He told officers they should have arrested Jeff for hitting on an extremely drunk man. Okay. It's also not illegal to hit on someone. Totally not. To maybe harass somebody. But you could be drunk and be like, hey, I'm drunk. Are you drunk? It's Mr. Meaner.

It's Mr. Meaner. Asked why he continued trying to call Jeff after he was left at the quick trip. So he keeps trying to call Jeff. Oh, he has his number. Hanson yelled, quote, exclamation point, because he abandoned me. Yeah. So he is hurt now. Yeah. See, this is about love. It is a love.

It's about love. It's a love abandonment. If there are no feelings there, then you're not calling that guy. Hanson then, if you can believe it, I think this is the fifth time. The fact that this guy owns a phone is surprising. It flips. It flips. It's a gymnast phone. And it has Jeff's number.

Yeah. I know. They had... There was something happening. Clearly some stuff was going on. Thank you. And Jeff was on board until the knife came out, right? Yeah.

Hanson then changed his story again. Of course he did. Saying instead that he had asked Jeff to pull over at Quick Trip because he wanted to get out of the vehicle. No, you didn't. Not true. Hanson was transported to jail where he provided a preliminary breath test, which registered at how much? Okay.

How drink is he? How drink is he? How drink was he? How drink do you guys think Hanson is? So just so you know, and I'm sure you do, but for people listening at home, 0.08 is the legal limit. Right. If you're above that, you are now driving a DUI. If you drive vehicles.

0.08. 0.08. So, 0.1 is a lot. Is very drunk. 0.2 is. Yeah, 0.1 to 0.5, you are. You're drunk. 0.2 is out of control.

0.3, they just poured it like vodka into the breathalyzer. So a three. Now, but here, keep in mind- 3.0. Just because I want to be fair, I'll remind you of everything. Yeah. It's 5.30 in the morning. So it's been a while since he drank.

So you should factor in time. Oh, and he has not eaten yet. Yes. And no, he's definitely not eaten. He's going to- He got some Takis on the quick trip. You can guess if you have Takis first or in between the two of us, which is the Tig Notaro slot, Tig, or third.

Where would you like to guess, Fortune? I'll do the Tig Notaro slot. Okay, do the Tig slot. Jay, go first. So, Dan, just you saying that makes me think that he was like maybe like a.09. Well, I just wanted you to factor it in. I am. I think he was a... Oh, go ahead. factor it in. I think it was a.

Oh, go ahead. Fortune. .1. Zero? .10? I think.2. Okay. Getting out on this?

I will tell you that Hanson is scheduled for an initial appearance August 21st, so it's already... No, it hasn't. Yes, it has happened. If you want to go to Reesburg and see the... At the Juneau County Justice Center. So this is in Alaska. Okay. The amount of blood alcohol content, the reading on the breathalyzer for Hanson,

the man who changed his story and not his heart, is 0.18. 0.18. Yeah! Oh, my God. Dang. More than twice the legal limit.

I said that because I'm sure this guy was over.2 at some point. Oh, yeah, definitely. But it had probably been at least two hours since he drank, and who knows what he ate. By the way, 0.18. I mean, three for one hot dogs at the quick trip. 0.18 is Alaska sober. Just ask John Doerr.

All right, shall we take a break? Let's do it. Take a break. Fortune Feenster is with sober. Just ask John Doerr. All right. Shall we take a break? Let's do it. Take a break. Fortune Feimster is with us. It's Dumb People Town. Stay! Stick around. Make us down.

For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. That's Dumb People Town. Our guest is Fortune Feimster. She's a great follow on Twitter and on Instagram. What are you? Fortune Feimster on Instagram and Fortune Funny on Twitter.

Fortune Funny on Twitter. Follow both of those. And you have a fantastic SiriusXM show with our buddy Tom Papa. Yeah, all of you guys have been on it. Yes. He's done it and I loved it. What a joke with Papa and Fortune on Channel 93 on SiriusXM. What time is it?

It's a morning show. It's a morning show. 7 o'clock Pacific time, which is 10 o'clock Eastern time. Great drive time, you guys. Then it repeats in the afternoon, like 2 and 5, something like that. You guys have a great chemistry. Thank you. Obviously, you're both super funny individually, but I love the rapport together with you guys.

You've really developed that. It's cool because we are similar in a lot of ways and different in a lot of ways. And we have a very different perspective. And he knows a lot of stand-ups that I don't know. And so I've been meeting a lot of people. And then I'm introducing him to people that he doesn't know. Well, he's New York comedy for a lot.

And yeah, he's out in LA and he's been in LA for a while. But I think of him as like coming up in New York. And you came up in LA. I came up here. So I don't know a lot of the New york so had you met seinfeld before you guys how was that it was amazing because i well i always wanted to meet him for sure but i certainly didn't know that i would ever get to like sit down and talk comedy with him yeah so he was gonna come in for 30 minutes and ended up staying an hour and a half. Wow. And I just was like, the three of us were just having this

cool conversation about comedy. And to me, it felt like, oh, I'm a real comic now. Like, not that I wasn't before, but it just felt like... Hey, Hamilton, you're just in the room where it happened. You're in the room where it happened.

No, you were there because you belong there. Is that listenable to people who have the SiriusXM app? You can go back in the archives. Yeah, because you guys release YouTube. I know that my article the day I did with Kilmartin, that's released on YouTube, my interview with you guys. They put like, I think they do like most,

maybe like 70% of the interviews they put on YouTube. And then I think they're fixing the app so that all of the stuff's on demand now. Great. As of the last's on demand now. Great. As of the last few days, I believe. That's definitely going to check that out. Yeah. And you have dates and stuff

where you're doing live stuff coming up. Yeah, I'm on the road. I'm in Santa Fe coming up in Phoenix, Arizona because I'm shooting an hour special the end of September in Charlotte. Nice. Do you know where it's going yet or no? I do, but they haven't announced it yet.

Okay, then I won't say anything. But it's got a home. It's got a home, and so I'm shooting that in Charlotte and doing a show in Newton, North Carolina. Everyone's like, where is that? Where is that? It's near Hickory. Okay.

So yeah, I'm just in Huntsville, Alabama, Nashville, all kinds of places. I love where you're going. So where in Santa Fe do you do? Is it a theater? It's a new festival, Cloud Top Comedy Festival. They asked, I think Maria Bamford's doing it too. Cool. So it's just like a cool. It's a new festival, Cloud Top Comedy Festival. They asked, I think Maria Bamford's doing it too. So it's just like a cool.

It's a great town. Cool desert comedy festival. It's a great town. I've never been to Santa Fe. So there is a lunch spot, I'm going to tell you right now. Pasquale's. Oh, yeah? Dave Pasquale's?

Yeah, not Dave Pasquale's. It's really, really good. And so definitely check her out if you go to fortunefeimster.com. That's the one. You can see all these dates. And if she's her out. If you go to fortunefeimster.com, you can see all these dates. And if she's playing near you or you're nearby any of these shows, or you're lucky enough to see the taping of your special, which is always fun to be at a taping of a special.

You get to really help out. It's going to be fun. Check it out. I'm sure all that stuff's available on fortunefeimster.com. And then listen to the radio show. Now, Dan, you've got some dates coming up. Yeah, just go to danielvankirk.com. If you're in the Midwest or the East Coast

between the 12th of October and the middle of November, chances are I am coming to see you, including also Nashville, Louisville, and Milwaukee. So danielvankirk.com. Let's hang out. When this drops, we will have already done our live Largo show with Pete Yorn and Kate Micucci and Andy Richter, which I'm very excited about.

But the next one looking forward is in New York on the 13th of October with Michael Che and Aparna. It is going to be super fun. We might add a little musical jaunt. We're working on that as well. And if we sell that out, we'll do another one. It was so much fun last time we did it. Guys, get there early.

Get your tickets. Get your tickets now. And then get there early because it was standing room only last time. So come on. That's at the Bell House in Brooklyn. You can always go. Also, hey, this Sunday night, we're coming up.

We're going to be at Flapper's. We're doing an hour. We're like working our hour, which is good because we're close to our new hour, which we're very, very excited about. So good right now with what you guys have going on. And I should highlight that I'll be at Zany's in Rosemont in Chicago

The 16th through the 19th Of October Go to that There you go So come see me in Chicago See Dan If you're in Chicago I'll see you in the next week

You guys Yeah See us at Tinley Park Convention That's September 27th I know right It's all there Oh I'm doing a bunch of LA shows too

In September Great So check it out Nice of us Alright let's Do it Okay Sent in by Leah Harris

At Cheeky Chick 1016 Thank you girl Cleveland We don't normally get I'm going there on my tour Nice There you go

We'll be there in February Some good restaurants there Some great restaurants You go to the Greenhouse Tavern On 4th Street I haven't been to that one But I haven't been there That's good

So good One of my favorite Mexican restaurants is there I don't remember the name of it But it haven't been there. That's good. One of my favorite Mexican restaurants is there. I don't remember the name of it, but it's like where you can make your own tacos. Come on. That's why Cleveland is... I'll find the name for you. That's why Cleveland to many people is called Little Mexico.

They're trying to build a wall around Cleveland. A Cleveland bank robber is providing a new chapter in the book World's Dumbest Criminals. To be known as a Cleveland bank robber is providing a new chapter in the book world's dumbest criminals okay i mean to be known as a cleveland bank robber yeah that's your title so there is no book called world's no there's a podcast ours yes uh this also comes out of fox 8 in cleveland thank you fox 8 you've probably promoted one of our shows in cleveland it was just after 11 a.m. on Monday that a man walked up to the counter. 11 a.m. is brash. I know the bank's got to be open in order for you to rob it, but that is like mid-morning. Yeah.

You already had breakfast. Not just lunchtime, exactly. You are up and moving. If you were going to put thought into it, when would you rob it? 9 a.m. Right when they open. 8.30. When people are groggy.

Yeah. You see He or High Water? No. They would wait for the person coming to unlock the door because then no one else is in there. You don't have to worry about anything. I said I will see that movie. I'm under. Very good.

Nice. Any circumstances. Okay. Sorry. It was just after 11 a.m. on Monday that a man walked up to the counter at the U.S. Bank branch at 7993 Euclid Avenue. Put it on the tour. Dumb People Town walking tour. On the city's east side and passed a note demanding money. I love that that's just still the way it goes.

There's an unwritten rule. You got to write the note. Why would you want to create more evidence that's what i've never understood unless you type the note now your fingerprints are like why would you do this you should cut out the letters like a ransom letter serial killer like a magazine from a magazine yes what's wrong why do people not just say it do they think like well i i didn't say it isn't that the greatest but that's the moment where Dan becomes like, whoever is,

if there are people listening to the podcast, you work at banks, they then say, I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Yeah. Can you come outside and tell me? Yeah.

I just don't, I don't, I've never gotten that move, but you're right. That is the move. Yeah. How about, cause it's like they're,

it's like they're putting their bank statement, but nobody else slides a note to a bank teller. So if someone slides... Yeah, if you're getting a note, you're like, fuck. Fuck, here we go. You're going to read it. Meanwhile, guy, next person in line who's scrolling through his phone and has his earbuds in is like, what the fuck?

Let's go. God. And you're like, why aren't you depositing your checks just as mobile banking that's the easiest thing the way when the teller took the note and looked at it and looked at the other side she saw his name he had used a note that he had used earlier at the bmv which i believe is the bureau of Motor Vehicles. And it had his name on it. Said Special Agent Vicki Anderson of the Cleveland Office of the FBI.

Vicki Anderson has been wearing the bump it since the day it came out. Vicki Anderson, to me, sounds like a name of somebody who sells Tupperware. But that is why you do not underestimate people. Because she is a goddamn FBI agent. Vicki is an FBI agent? Yes. And is now robbing a bank. No, this is, she's reporting on the situation.

Wait, did I rob a bank? No. Virgin, we have bad news for you. Vicki Anderson is the kind of woman who wears a pantsuit to a kid's birthday party. That's right. Vicki Anderson has kicked down her fair share of doors. She's played by Lauren Holly. You know it.

I think she's, I don't know. Why am I thinking I don't know? Authorities say as Michael Harrell was robbing the bank, he actually wrote the holdup note on the back of a document from the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles. Oh, Michael. Complete with his name and address. Yes. There he is.

Easy to find. Dude. Dude. Dude. Well, he needed some paper. He was like, can you direct deposit the money I'm stealing into my account?

Here's my account. Here is my number. No problem. Can we just get your social? Yeah, sure. Of course. Sure. Why wouldn't I?

Where was I? I already forgot it. The investigator said the teller was stunned. This is where, right now, this is where you're about to love this teller. Okay. She actually even referred to him as Michael.

Michael. Now, Michael. Michael. How do you want those bills? Michael. Michael. Michael. Does he freak out when she realizes that?

I don't know. He's like, how'd you know my name? I know, right? You're good. By the way. Your service here is impeccable. You take the time to know your customers. That is so bold because

you know she just slipped it in conversation. How do you want those bills, Michael? I mean, he probably just felt comfortable. He forgot he was robbing a bank. He's like, oh, thanks for asking. Here at U.S. Bank, we take the time to get to know our robbers as well as our customers. You're all the same to us.

We don't want to rob you of good customers. She actually even referred to him as Michael, quote, gave him the money and called him Michael, then notified law enforcement. She called him Michael, I believe, twice. Double Michael. Something didn't seem right. That went a little too smoothly.

Once authorities confirmed that Harrell was the same man caught on surveillance cameras robbing the bank, a warrant was quickly issued for his arrest. Yeah. The FBI said this is not the first time that a bank robber has left something incriminating on a piece of evidence at the scene. But in each case, it makes the job finding the suspect a lot easier. It sure does. Thanks, Vicki.

We've had individuals drop things on the way out the door that they didn't intend to, obviously. We've had individuals drop cell phones. Wallets. Go back. Yeah. Or don't take anything identifying with you. You listening, robbers? Hear that, everybody?

Here's some advice. When you rob your next one. You need to check the gram while you're waiting in line to rob a bank. You don't. We've had individuals drop cell phones that have their identifying information in it. We have individuals drop knowledge. Yeah, they drop knowledge. They've dropped their address now.

Those keychains with their names on it. They've dropped beats. Hints. Anderson said, quote, a lot of times we're sending out pictures. We have no idea who the person could be or what part of town they're from. And when you present a note that has your name already on it and address, it helps law enforcement tremendously. Oh, that's sad.

It's a real helpful. How about it solves the case? Yes. I love that they could. I love that law enforcement. They're like, he robbed us of our job. They're not willing to go so far as to say it solved the case for us. Well, here's why.

They're like, we figured this out. Investigators said the smart move now for Harold would be to turn himself in. Oh, he hasn't done it yet? They haven't caught him yet? Anyone with information on Harold's whereabouts should call the Cleveland Division of the Police, the FBI, or the Cuyahoga County Crime Stoppers at 216-252-7463. How have they not caught him yet? They didn't get him right as he was leaving the van.

Crime Stoppers. Or the fact that they know where he lives. 62527463. How have they not caught him yet? They didn't get him right as he was leaving the bank. Crime stoppers. Or the fact that they know where he lives. He's in Mexico right now. What if that wasn't his document? What if he's smarter than we think? Oh, we got him on a roll. He's set up Michael Harrell. Calls can remain anonymous and reward money is available.

We will get out of here on this. How old is Michael Harrell? So, Fortune, as always, you're our guest. You can go first, take your third. How old do you think the man who tried to rob a bank and recently had to go down to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles with his information on the back? 21.

21 years old. So you know he's more than 16. I think this guy's 40. 40 from Jason Sklar. See, I agree with Fortune. I think this guy's 40. 40 from Jason Sklar. See, I agree with Fortune. I think this is the work of a younger, dumber person. This is a person who had the idea and hasn't lived enough to do something like that. I think 24.

Okay. Michael Harrell. Play along, Townies, wherever you are. Guess that is. Shout it at your ham radios. Shout it. Shout it out loud okay michael harrell is 54 years old i could not have read that i was reading old into this wow

you should know better old enough to be senile no you should know oh he's in the old range of you should know better there's by the way 54 I used to be like God that's so old That's just like a guy Working on his garage In black socks And six years older than us Yep

Alright There we go That's story number two Down in the books Dan can you tease us With what we'll be talking about In our final story today Two quick things

One A little story That I forgot to tell you guys At the top of the show Fun love it And two An apologetic thief. Okay.

Fortune Feebster's with us, and this is Dumb People Town. You don't want to go anywhere. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Dan, take us home with a story, or two little things. Quick little thing. First of all, totally forgot. Yes.

I was in Vegas. Do you go to Vegas, by the way? Occasionally, but not. What is your relationship with Vegas? My relationship in Vegas is I'm doing a show. I'm going to do the show and then leave the next day. Two days max. Do you gamble at all?

No, I'm not a big gambler. I'll occasionally do a slot machine. Like the bar? I tried hanging out at the pool and it's too much of a scene. Like finding even a spot. I just need shade. And they're like, no, you're all going to burn in the sun. That'll be $1,000 to sit on under that cabana.

You do have to pay a tremendous amount of money to have shade. Oh, you should have shade. Go have shade right over there. And it's not worth it to me. The guy fluffing your towel, you got to pay a tremendous amount of money to have shade. Oh, you should have shade. Go have shade right over there. And it's not worth it to me. The guy fluffing your towel, you got to pay him $800. Yeah, I'm just not a Vegas person. They were doing this series for a while at the Venetian. They had lady comics once a month, but I think they stopped doing that.

I did that four times. It was pretty cool. How were the audiences? Good? They were good. It wasn't your typical Like Vegas show Where there's just like Get to it

Yeah I got money to lose They were pretty cool But I haven't been to Vegas In maybe two years I want to do the cellar there So bad I haven't done it

Great things about it And Kimmel's Club I've heard of Kimmel's Club is great Okay Yeah So my quick little thing is I'm in Vegas

And being the Midwestern basic bitch That I am I go to the Vanderpump Lounge Inside Caesars No She sent me a picture

I know And I'm sitting It's in Caesars You're drinking a martini So good Skinny martini Skinny martini I love big flowers

Like flowers too big All the flowers are too big Everything's pain Lisa Vanderpump Run rampant She rules And you can't do too much It's Vegas

So she has carte blanche. Yeah. All of a sudden I hear, hey, man. And I turn around and the guy goes, are you Daniel Van Kirk? Get out of here. Nope. I'm a huge Dumb People Town fan. Yeah.

I heard your voice first. Yeah. And I was like, I know that voice. And I was like, thank you so much. I was on that voice. And I was like, thank you so much. I was on that truck. But it was, so I had a message from a Dumb People Town fan

at Vanderpump Lounge that told me to tell you guys. Thank you. Thanks, dude. There you go. Joey was his name. Great dude. Thanks, dude.

That's always fun because Oh, very fun. Because you are in people's ears and you're in their brain. And if you're ever listening to Sirius Radio on your app or whatever. You're going to every day. You're going to have people all the time. Guys, I don't want to brag, but I'm in so many ears right now.

You've already crushed for years. The point is that people get comfortable with your voice and you are, if they listen to your podcast a lot, you are a voice of their most listened to voices in their lives. It makes sense that that would happen. That's really cool. Were you talking really loudly? It's me. Hey, what's going on over there? Why are these flowers so big? Get down from there, Diane. Why are these martinis $30?

Got dumb people down for us? Where's Jax? 10 out of 10 would recommend Vanderpump Blows. And if they want to sponsor dumb people town sure why not sent in

this is a fun little story sent in by Joe Luttrell at the gentleman show thanks buddy always on it sends great ones this is from

app.com thank you app.com you done with app yeah you know me karma caught up to a ketchup thief who swiped a bottle

from the Lacey Perkins. I don't know. I don't know. Dan, do you understand? I get it now. It's in Lacey from the Perkins in Lacey. Oh, the Perkins.

I literally thought it was a place called Lacey Perkins. I was like, I know Perkins. Perkins in Lacey. Do you know how clever the person thought they were with the caught up ketchup? Oh, you're right. The caught up to a they were with the caught up ketchup you're right caught up to a

caught up to a ketchup karma caught up to a ketchup thief sounds like a verse from uh american by by miss american by that they're like we can't use that yeah it's already too full karma caught up with a ketchup thief don it's already too full. Whoever wrote this article is like, I should have written a book. I have so many good lines. Don, you're dating your great niece's friend. We can't play that song anymore. Karma caught up

to a ketchup thief who swiped a bottle from the Lacey Perkins on South Main Street. Add that to the walking tour. According to a note... Who swiped a bottle from a man named Keaton.

Don, it's too big already. Don, you guys. The church bells are broken. You got to lose something. The fact that you're dating an 11-year-old means we cannot play your music anymore, Don. According to a note. Right now, I'm going to Google Don McLean. Google how young Don McLean's girlfriend was.

Young girlfriend. It's real. Oh, Lacey Perkins with a summer gherkin. Sorry. Durkin. Do you want the men whiskey and rye or do you wantacey Perkins with a summer. No, sorry. Durkin. Do you want the men whiskey and rye or do you want this Perkins bit? Because you can't. We got to take something out.

I didn't know about this Don McLean story. I didn't either. Catch up. Got swiped. Okay. According to the note posted to the Lacey Township Center Township Chatter Facebook group. Which, by the way, you know there are a lot. There are a lot.

This is like nextdoor.com. American Pie singer Don McLean, 73, and model girlfriend, 24. Now! Right now? Now. Now, wow. Just started singing.

How old is this guy? Bye-bye my innocence and youth. Uncle Ken hates that song. All right. The Ketchup Thief. Bye-bye my innocence and youth. Uncle Ken hates that song. All right. The ketchup thief, feeling the sting of bad luck after lifting the tomato product, replaced,

you were right about this person wanting to be an author, replaced the missing bottle with two new ones and left an apology note to the staff. That's nice. Guilty.

That's nice. Dan, don't you say what can you take from Chipotle? Oh, all the Tabasco sauce you want. That's nice. Guilty. That's nice. Dan, don't you say you can take, what can you take from Chipotle? Oh, all the Tabasco sauce you want. That's it. I don't think you can, Dan. Like the bottles? Yes. What do you mean? I've asked them. They say if you want the bottle,

take it. You asked one person who doesn't care about their job. You mean everyone at Chipotle? Chimney Cole, I break out every nine days. You think they're worried about how much Chipotle Tabasco sauce do they really yes you can just and i have a joke about it in my stand-up because i love chipotle i'm like i don't care but whatever they need to do to get that line down weed these people out that's a great joke we gotta eat coli this line down a little bit oh my god i'm fine with it what's our joke our joke in uh is about people

bringing pets into the into restaurants and, I don't want to go to Chipotle and get kennel cough. I want to go to Chipotle and get diarrhea the way God and Chipotle intended it. Continue. If you say to them, how much of this Tabasco sauce can I use? They'll say, as much as you want. Okay. They're not saving the bottle.

The whole bottle. They're not going to be like, well, we still need the bottle. Oh, they're not like replenishing the bottles. No. Okay. It's out there for the customer to use. Have you taken The whole bottle. They're not going to be like, well, we still need the bottle. Oh, they're not like replenishing the bottles. Okay. You take it. It's out there for the customer to use. Have you taken the whole bottle? I have three in my fridge.

Okay. I've asked. Damn. I will die on this hill. Vicky's coming to arrest you. You will die of E. coli on that hill. Vicky, what's your face? Well, he went out

doing what he loved. Eating self-reduce. Okay. Felt bad luck after lifting the tomato product. He replaced the missing bottle with two new ones. Fresh ones. Left, and it could be a she, I suppose. Right.

And left an apology. I think it, I don't know. I have a feeling it is. It feels like it's a woman. Left an apology note to the staff, according to the post. Quote, this is the note. A few weeks ago, I had taken one of your ketchup bottles off the table because for some odd reason, I thought it'd be risky. What?

I am as square as they come, and this is the worst thing I've done. If this is the worst thing you've done, you're doing great. I believe it, because anyone that uses the word square is the fact square. As square as they come, this is the worst thing I've done in the word square is the fact square. As square as they come, this is the worst thing I've done in the parentheses instead of next to punching that baby. Hours after the theft, the ketchup culprit's car was involved in a crash, according to the note. Bad karma.

They said their karma has soured as a result of the act. I hope returning two new bottles will restore some karma for me and I can stop carrying around the guilt. No, no, no, Dan. She's not carrying around the guilt. It might be a he. Yes. Or he.

I don't know either. What this person is saying is I did something bad and now it's negatively affecting my life. So now I need to get that negativity out. I need to get the negativity out. Not I feel bad that I did that to you. It's more like it's like if i wouldn't have gotten into a car accident you would not have two bottles for me again right you wouldn't even it wouldn't even be a problem for us she probably went to a psychic and what do i do

it took a random car i'm gonna show you guys the photo right here oh that's a long nose yeah look at it and they're like we don't use they're like we they're like we use them bottles not plastic exactly yeah we don't use organic cats up you asshole i'm sorry i'm really sorry person no this is definitely by the way this is definitely a woman the handwriting is way yeah it is for sure and so self-deprecating sad face emoticon little sad face and then said i'm really sorry if I inconvenienced you in the same way my life has been inconvenienced. All right, I feel bad for this person.

But what's happening in this person's life where they're like, I need to take a risk? Yeah. I need to do something risky. There's the bigger question. You know what? I'm going to steal this ketchup.

Do it. I'm going to do it. Do it, Barbara. Barbara, are you up for that kind of risk? Yes. I don't think you can handle it. No, I've lived my whole life being square. You're just going to do it Do it Barbara I'm risky I don't think you can handle it I've lived my whole life being square You're just going to take it I've never done anything

She's putting it in her purse I pay my parking tickets on time It is in her purse She's walking out of here right now Tell her that Barbara's off the rails She's gone I'm never felt freer. Oh, my God.

This is a... I can't believe it. Barbara, do you need a ride home? I'm shaking. You're going to drive yourself? Yeah, I'm going to drive. You seem a little shaky, though. No, I feel great.

This is... Oh, this is a new me. It's a new me. All right, we'll see you back at the house. All right, I'll meet you there. Just take the regular route. Okay, I got this.

I'm going to waze my way home. Flash forward. Flash forward two hours. I'm the worst person ever. Oh, my life is shit. Barbara, it's not because of the ketchup. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. She'll never, she will never take a risk ever again.

She won't even play the game risk. We'll get out of here on this. Lacey Township Chatter group member Maria DeLeo, who posted the note, topped the entry with her own message. Quote, to the person that returned this, you are forgiven. Hope all goes better for you. Lesson learned. Who gave her the power to forgive?

Yeah, since when are you guys? I definitely dropped down. She's like, you guys, I got this. Maria's done a lot of nefarious shit. Her forgiveness means nothing. You know what? There's so much condemnation going on on Facebook that if some people want to start thinking they can forgive other people, let's bring a little bit of...

I grant you immunity. What made her so powerful? Maria Delgado or whatever her name is. Melissa DeLeo? I don't know. I already went away from it. What was her name? I really want to know.

Who doesn't care? According to my jurisdiction, you are all right. I stand on high and grant you forgiveness. She thinks she is a ruler in Game of Thrones. All right, Maria DeLeo. Well, Perkins has some new ketchup ready to go. There you go. I feel like going to Perkins right now.

All right, there you go. That's the show. Fortune Feimster. Fortune Funny on Twitter. Fortune Feimster on Instagram. Go see her live. Go see her taping in Charlotte. Listen to the radio show with Tom Papa,

which is... Serious on the Mornings and Channel 93, 7 a.m. Yep. What a joke with Papa and Fortune. All that good stuff, yeah. I love it. All right, guys.

Thanks for having me. Oh, shit, we got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around.

Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Star Bands Audio. A podcast network.