Dumb People Town - Gary Gulman - An Acquired Taste

Episode Date: January 5, 2021

This week Gary Gulman comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about an ill planned heist. The second story is about a man with too many kids. The final story is about a shirtless man causing trouble.

Star Pains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Goldman. Gary Goldman, hi. Hi guys. another episode of dumb people town population you population goldman gary goldman hi hi guys oh man what a treat it is to see you uh it really it really is a treat i i feel like we would have been really close friends in high school like hell yeah or or just if we were in the same damn comedy scene i feel like we'd be hanging out here Here's what I would say. Here's the highest compliment I can give Gary Goleman. If our interests and our loves were put into a Venn diagram, it would be one circle. There you go.

That is a fantastic geometry. Joke. Sports, Judaism. Based. Comedy. Sports, Judaism, comedy. That's kind of the majority of who we are. Yeah. Indie rock, rock and all that stuff. I mean,

it's someone gave us, someone gave us one of the nicest compliments. They said that like, we were like West coast, Gary Goldman, me and Jay in the comedy world, in the comedy world. So,

so we said, what does that mean? And they said, achieved a level of success that is recognizable by a number of people, have tremendous respect within the comedy community, and are just a great hang. I was like, oh my God. And good to younger comedians. Good to younger comedians. I was like, that's it. I would say that about all both of you. All both of us yeah that that is such a great compliment and i'll tell you my favorite part

of the compliment is being i don't know why this is still important to me but being respected by the other comedian it is always important i never wanted to be the butt of an andy kindler joke yeah you want to be talked about at the state of the industry address mocked that's the bar dude leaves me alone that's the that's the bar you don't because we just we we were such little yentas coming up in comedy the the guys i started off with and we would just we were so turned off by by hacks and and derivative comedians we were just we were just mean about it and i i never wanted to be the subject of that. So that you included being respected by, by the other comedians.

I think you really are. And I mean, I would highly recommend, I just would recommend this to any comedian who is watching or listening to this podcast. And we get a lot of people who are just starting out. There's a lot of questions of like, what should I do? And how do I get into it? And all this other stuff. I highly recommend following Gary on Instagram.

Is it just, it's just Gary and Twitter, but it's Twitter, but it's just Gary Goldman, right? On Instagram. Yeah. Yeah.

But the whole thing is that I, I stopped doing those, those tips, but they're, they're, they're in your head. Yeah. You can go back.

I always said you should write a book. You should write a book about it because I thought your tips of tiny little things of like, always write this down and, you know, write down all the, everything. One of my favorites would be like the best comics I've ever known are always looking at their notes right before they go on stage. Don't be afraid to look at your notes. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's true. I have this great picture of me with Gary Shandling at the Comedy and Magic Club. And it is clear that he is ignoring me and thought that the yellow legal pad was, was it's sort of like the scroll of that time period where anything worthwhile would be written on a yellow legal pad. And I just,

I don't, I don't understand how they weren't frustrated by the tops. Always tearing off. The unwieldiness. She can't put it in a book bag. It's the yellow legal pad is for, is for the Alieldiness. She can't put it in a book bag. The yellow legal pad is for the Alta caucus. You need a legal briefcase just to carry the legal briefcase, in which case you should

have gone to law school in the first place, which our parents... That's a good jumping off point. Do you think that's what happened to a lot of these guys? They had gone to law school for a little bit and they said, I can't do this. They had all these pads and their mother wouldn't let them forget. So that's a two-way street. So if your mom's like, what are you doing?

And you're like, mom, I'm using a legal pad. Get off my back. It looks official. So that's one thing. And then the flip side is like, of course, if you aren't doing that well in comedy or you're just making ends meet or you're doing what you do, which isn't setting the world on fire, your parents could always come back to you and be like, if this thing doesn't're doing, you're doing what you do, which isn't setting the world on fire. Your parents could always come back to you and be like, if this thing doesn't work out,

you go into entertainment law. That won't kill your soul. I thought you were going to say, if you're temping, a lot of the products in your day-to-day life are things you've stolen from that office. And so they're like, yeah, toilet paper and legal pads.

They're stealing every day from their temp job and then trying to do comedy at night. I think there should be a store and then let's jump into this because and i think this would be great it's it looks like a temp job that's just cute it's not aisles it's cubicles and you go in shopping for what toilet paper pens and legal pads yes that's it yeah that's it i love call it temps uh so all right so the we always ask our guests this before we get into it. And I don't know how you feel about this, Gary, but we asked, do you think the world is getting dumber? Or is it that we're just, we have more access and awareness of dumb behavior?

Like have we pulled the carpet back and we're just seeing everything that's been there forever? in there forever it's it's interesting because i i feel like the the smartest of the people are getting smarter but it also feels that it is making the the dumber people more resistant to facts and information sure i think there's a i i think there's a an income inequality for intelligence. For brains. For intelligence, yeah. Yeah, I feel like we're reaching our extremes. Like our peaks and our valleys are the same. Almost like if you were just pulling apart like taffy.

Over time, it's just going to keep getting thinner and thinner in the middle. But I feel like, and this is something I just sort of came to, and then we'll get into a story. I think there was a time in this country and maybe in the world where everyone was aspiring to be smart and some people just couldn't get there. Some people could, but some people for whatever reason, where their own gifts or their own experience or whatever was placed in their lives, they just couldn't get there. But now you literally have people running for two directions. People who are literally like, I'm going to run away from science, away from knowledge, away from all this stuff towards this other thing, because that's more fun, that's easier, that's what I want. And then you have other people who are like,

I'm going to run into this more difficult place and try to be smarter. So there's like a fracture within the middle of all that. That's what I think. Some people are running into the fire to save a kid. Some are running in to save beer right but they're both running in but it's also interesting that there are people who are absolute experts on conspiracies so they they have this incredible amount of knowledge all of it wrong yeah all of it right all of it being poured into something that just did you're building that bridge in Alaska that goes to nowhere. The bridge to nowhere. The bridge to nowhere. All right.

Well, speaking of, let's jump into a story right away. We've got Gary going with us. And all the bridges to nowhere have been burned in Dumb People Time. I love it. That's right. This is sent in by Alvin Katabay at akatabay36. C-A-T-A-B-A-Y. My favorite around Easter time is those Katabay eggs.

Those Katabay eggs are good. Here's the headline, which I love. We could joke around this forA-B-A-Y. My favorite around Easter time is those Cadabay eggs. Those Cadabay eggs are good. Here's the headline, which I love. We could joke around this for 20 minutes between the four of us. Theft suspects arrested trying to get away while jump-starting getaway car. That's something you got to check out first. Your getaway car needs to work. That's like fun. Imagine if you're running.

Isn't there someone in the car keeping it running? Baby driver? Right. Arrested trying to jumpstart getaway car. Baby driver naps on job. And maybe I'm wrong in thinking that if you're going to pull off a heist or something, you do run through a little bit of a checklist, right? I mean, you run through a checklist before camping. I assume if Gary Goleman were to pull off a heist of any sort,

there'd be on yellow legal pads lots of lists. Yeah, I just imagine that there are a lot of people doing a lot of different things. So I think he's not just a getaway driver. So I think he's not just a getaway driver. I think he's also the guy who perhaps organizes the weapons. Yes, and somebody else is on masks. And yeah, somebody else is on the masks, but the person on the masks is also on the... I love it.

One of my favorite parts is always when they spray some spray paint on the video do we know hey you got white paint no that's not as good you gotta get the dark color i'm gonna tell you again i am a lens obstruction engineer i am not a like spray on the thing guy it's it has a title and my title is this is this is the policy that like a nfl football coach when he's also the gm you're like you're wearing too many hats too many but but no to me it's like it's like if you're a pilot on a plane you there's no margin for error you can't be like six out of seven and be like look at how good i did right we almost got all the one thing you didn't figure out was

the getaway car now Now we're dead. Now we're done. Clackamas County, Oregon. Two theft suspects were arrested in the Clackamas Promenade parking lot. Is Clackamas a fake place? I don't know. That doesn't say. The Clackamas Promenade parking lot.

Clackamas was one of my favorite characters on Sesame Street. I'd say 88% of the other characters could see. I was going to say Clackamas Promenade parking lot does sound like a very like acid induced PBS children's show. Welcome to the Clackamas County Promenade parking lot kids. Look, they can't get their car started over there. They were trying to jumpstart a car for their getaway. According to deputies, Clackamas County deputies responded to Kohl's.

Of course, it has to be a kohl's it's because there's only three options if you're going to be if you're going to be jumpstarting your getaway car and things aren't going well you're only in a parking lot for three places kohl's jc penny or burlington coat factory burlington coat factory oh my god yeah it has to be one of those three right that's fantastic Wasn't it at the beginning of Pulp Fiction when Tim Roth said, nobody ever thinks of robbing a coat? 100%. But he's right.

I feel like you could get things at a Burlington Coat Factory parking lot that you can't get at a Wuhan wet market. I mean, have you guys ever experienced the joy of a midwestern mother or aunt who's just found out how much cole's cash they have cole's cash is this thing those guys is more valuable than cash they send you cole's cash i am not shitting the three of you anytime i am talking to connie my mother diane or rosemary van kirk they tell you how much kohl's cash what did you do oh i got a new coat from kohl's i had 40 in kohl's cash they always are everything is in relation to how much kohl's cash and that's so like where are you going like i think i was gonna swing by kohl's and

get that makeup kit for melissa well i've got kohl's cash to give you let me go see if i can find it that's it kohl's cash is very crucial to the van by the way that's another thing that one of these guys i think gary's right that's not someone had to be in charge of the kohl's cash is very crucial to the By the way, that's another thing that one of these guys, I think Gary's right. That's not someone had to be in charge of the Kohl's cash charge of Kohl's cash. Do we have the conversion rate on Kohl's cash? Isn't a bank robbery in a sense, a jumpstart for your life

like these guys, their lives have stalled. They were dead in their own way and they can't get the thing. They just put the wrong cables on the wrong. But why Kohl's? Who needs a Bugle Boy shirt that bad? their own way and they can't get they just put the wrong cables on the wrong but why coals who needs a bugle boy shirt that bad yeah it's a good point i need a coca-cola sweatshirt there you go i need cargo pants right i want something that looks like it's from land's end okay wait gary did you ever have a bit about cargo pants i feel like in my brain you had a bit about cargo pants no no no

but i've but i've i've never worn them i i always i always thought they were they were a little too little too rugged for me a little too look at me i'm i'm ready for anything for me i do wear cargo shorts and they're essentially the same thing but i think cargo pants are are a little insulting it's a deeper commitment cargo pants say like i just came from or i'm going to a work site right yes yes 100 all right uh they respond to the coals that's the county's uh deputies at 3 30 p.m a loss prevention officer reported seeing a man running out of the store carrying stolen merchandise a second suspect was then seen next to the car when the first suspect reached the car it said it appeared that the suspect realized the battery was dead oh and imagine just if you could

be someone who's just casually parked their car you're gonna go into colds you got plenty of colds cash yep and you get to overhear the beautiful argument that's probably going on between these two about whose fault this is job was it yes i you said you went to auto zone you said they tested the battery and i told you it was the alternator and here we are michael here we are um but it's it's how it's how out of sight when george clooney starts yes robs robs a bank. He can't start the car. And there was a local store I remember from years ago where a father and son team of burglars knocked over a warehouse. And they used a – the son, I believe, was handicapped. He had a wheelchair. they used the wheelchair accessible van

and i don't know if this was the fact but i always pictured the cops pulling up as the van was was rising as the as the ramp was going in and that so those are the the two most comical endings to the burglary. And I wonder if it can't be the only thing that went wrong during the burglary. I'm sure there were, there were red flags and snafus everywhere. And I think at that point, there's just an exhaustion and a, you know what, take me to jail. That's it. Right. Right. But like the handicapped, the person who is couldn't get into the store and to me, or couldn't get into the van in time before the handicapped, the person who couldn't get into the store,

and to me, or couldn't get into the van in time before the cops came, that's a father who's like, I'm going to treat my son like a regular kid, a person who's ambulatory and doesn't have special needs. But takes it to the nth degree, like we're going to go rob some stuff together. Right. And you're going to participate. He probably was like, I'll just wait in the car. He's like, no, no, no. You're coming out of this and I'm going to treat you like,

and then that was his undoing. When deputies arrived, the suspects had their cars hood up and they were still trying to get a jump. Anybody? We've got the cables. We just need somebody. And then, you know,

the loss prevention people were like, guys, we know you stole the car. You know what? You shut up. We're trying to jump this. It was probably such a weird purgatory of them maybe he stole jumper cables it was nice to know that the criminal underground was was complying with

the americans with disabilities act yeah that was the old exactly that they still had a lift that worked i thought that was really like they weren't just throwing this guy in a van is what you're saying yeah so uh when deputies arrived the suspects had their cars hood up and they were still trying to get a jump, which I love. That weird purgatory they must have been in where they were like, guys, we know you took it. Look, we just need somebody to help us out. Raymond Allen Stavig of Malala. Stavig? Stavig.

Stavig. And Derek Richard Benjamin Schertz. There is no way he has four names. That is his name. And I bet he doesn't wear them. Derek Richard Benjamin Schertirts of Clackamas. It's like John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. They were taken into custody.

His name is my name too? Really? Deputies said that Shirts stole the items from the store and was also carrying counterfeit bills in his pocket. Additional items recovered from the car were bags of clothing from other stores. Dan, those weren't counterfeit bills. Those were Kohl's dollars. Those were Kohl's cash. Several laptops and phones, multiple credit cards with different names,

a magnetic card reader and writer, thumb drives, organ ID cards, more counterfeit bills. Organ ID cards? Five golden rings. As well as methamphetamine, cocaine, and a partridge in a pear tree. Deputy said that also all of that in his pockets. So here's the deal. He's wearing cargo pants.

Garrett, this is in the car. He was in coal. They got coal's cash, right? They got they got this car that's broken down. They got all the things that I just listed, right? Deputy said that Stave claimed all those items belong to his wife. He is quick to toss her out under the bus. As Ben Affleck famously said, marriage is hard.

He also offered additional explanations, according to investigators, including one of the credit cards belonged to his friend who let him use it to buy gasoline. Investigators said that the card was found to have been used to buy multiple items at multiple stores that day. That friend's going to be pissed. And was used by Stavik to make those purchases. Schertz told deputies that Stavik offered him $1,000, Kohl's cash, as deputies were arriving,

if Schertz would take the blame for everything. And it's fake money it's fake so stavik's telling his other his cohort give you a thousand dollars of this monopoly money otherwise i'm gonna have to say it's my wife so really you're hurting her if you don't say that it was you're hurting our relationship yes is that what you want right um deputies identified and contacted the owner of the laptop and the phone in stavik's car and learned that those items in the car were stolen in Portland. There's somebody mad. Information from the credit cards were allowed deputies to identify nine victims of identity theft.

So here's my question, Gary. Why are they buying some, why do they have all these clothes? What are you going to do with those clothes? Also, like you have other people's credit cards. Just pop into Kohl's and buy them. Yeah. I know. Yeah, these aren't thinkers.

No, they're not. This isn't a quality group. They were both arrested on multiple charges. One of them had a warrant already out for them. Stabat was booked into the Clackamas County Jail, but Schertz was not booked into jail due to a medical condition. I'm going to tell you something, and then I'm going to ask you something. Okay.

Derek Richard Benjamin Schert his name his name is my name too is 27 how old do you think raymond allen staveg is gary you are a guest you may you can how old is this duo i will tell you it's enough to be funny it's either way younger or way older way older right i think raymond allen stavig i think yep i'm gonna say 63 63 years old jason what do you think i'm gonna say he's 78 78 years old 78 years old i'm gonna say 70 i'm gonna slide in between you guys and take the in the middle slot but his wife 32, 32. Yeah, exactly. I blame her for everything.

Raymond Allen's topic. We'll get out of story one on this. Is 41 years old. Wow. Not crazy, but a nice little 14-year age difference between these two, which means it's more of an apprenticeship, right? Yes, it is an apprenticeship. Way to go, Gary.

It's a master and mentor, much like Willie Mays and Willie McCovey. It's a similar dynamic. They are the Willie Mays and Willie McCovey of credit card theft. Everyone said that about them. Of Kohl's cash. All right, that's story number one. Story number one in the books. When we come back, we'll chat with Gary, tell you how you can follow him and see his brilliant, amazing special.

The Great Depression. Oh, so good. On the other side of this break, we'll tell you how you can follow him and see his brilliant, amazing special. The Great Depression. Oh, so good. On the other side of this break, we'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show.

Our guest is Gary Goleman. If you have not yet seen his wonderful HBO special, it is so beautiful. uh so beautiful special one-man show interviews at his house it's a deep dive into his own depression and it's funny i mean to say that those two things may not sound like they go together but they really just so personal and so beautiful i loved it so much thanks guys that's so much uh that means so much to me. And it really was, it was hard getting through all those things, but it was an absolute pleasure doing jokes about it. It was really kind of a personal triumph because I'd struggled for almost three years. And I was so grateful to be back on my feet and performing again that it was really some of the happiest moments of my life were doing that tour and working on those jokes. The fact that you included that very first show after you hadn't been on stage for a long time, and just that footage of you just sitting there and just thinking about what you were trying to

say. And just, you know, I mean, there are moments that many of us have had, you know, and we'll have when we come out of this pandemic. It was, I thought like super brave. Everybody wants their stand-up special to be like, I killed it. I crushed every freaking moment of it. And the place went nuts and they were throwing people out of the balconies. And you were like, no, that's not what this thing is about. This thing is about the journey and just you standing on a stage, looking confident in a well-pressed shirt and handling your business in a way that was beautiful and touching and real. I just thought it was amazing. So how can people see it? I really appreciate that. It is on HBO on demand and on HBO max. So it's, it's readily available. Awesome. I highly recommend it.

For anyone who listens to this podcast and loves comedy, you'll love it. If you've dealt with depression in your life at all, you will very much love it and very much relate to it. And if you just like Gary Goleman, you'll love it. Because what I love about it is that, we think about all your classic bits

and not all of them were quite as personal as this special. This felt almost like part one man show mixed into a standup. There are Gary Goleman bits that I think about as I'm just in my day-to-day life, like dropping shit off at the post office. I'll think of the abbreviations of the States as just one of my favorite. of the States is just one of my favorite. I'll go you one better. My son has trouble going to sleep at night. And so when I'm in his room and we've been staying up very late lately, and I try to stay with him to get to sleep, what he wants to listen to, he rolls over and faces the wall and he says, put on some comedy. Or he'll be like, put on some Gaffigan, put on Gary Goldman. Like he asked for the comics so he'll ask for the comics because like i you know the breakaway rims at the jcc like all the bits that like he's 12 so like that's hilarious to him and like i think disc man i played him that bit and i had to show him what a disc man was oh wow yeah i i i really look back and and some of the great moments in my life were sharing laughs with my family. And the one great thing I keep hearing about the special is that depressed people are able to watch it with their family and the family is better able to understand what it feels like.

That's so elevated. where it feels like, which was always so frustrating to try and figure out how to explain to people how I was feeling, because it's hard, unless you've experienced it, it's very hard to get the idea across. Oh, he did it beautifully. So HBO Max, it's called The Great Depression. Again, I highly recommend everyone who's listening to this to check that out and wherever you can just say

this was great, Say this was great. Let's jump in and have the story. Are you ready? Yeah. Let's do it. Sent in by our friend, Carlene McDermott at she be Carlene. She sends in stories and we love her.

This is just a goofy story. A prolific sperm donor has fathered a fur, a further six babies during lockdown. Yes. So he's already done a lot. This is his life. He loves to help people have babies. Gary, you talk about having a difficult time describing what's going on in your life.

What does this guy say to his Aunt Rita? He puts on the Steve Miller band and he says, I'm a jerker. I'm a midnight jerker. Joe, who conceals his surname, but not his face from the public. It's not going to work. He's not concealing much else. He's not concealing much. Says coronavirus restrictions haven't slowed him down on his

mission to provide women across the world with the babies they want. We're now going to look at a picture of him and somebody I'm glad who is so comfortable to have him in their life, but the picture creeps me out a little bit. Oh, he looks like Gary. He looks like a big baby.

There's somewhere to be like this guy, this guy tries to tell him to stop and he just keeps coming. Oh, geez. God, brothers. Thumbs up. Emoticon.

Well, he looks, he's standing next and you can see this guy from Barry. Well, no, he's thumbs up emoticon. Well, he looks... He's standing next... Looks like the guy from Barry. Well, no. He's standing next to... Yes. And he's standing next to a pregnant woman.

And his head looks like a pregnant stomach. Yeah, it does look like her belly. He looks like a pregnant stomach. Everything about this guy is baby-centric. Here we go. The 49-year-old U.S. man says five women are currently pregnant thanks to his sperm donations and one already gave birth over the american summer i don't know that's our summer the american summer wet hot long american summer uh it's like an indian summer only uh it's actually

the american summer stole the indian summer away from the indians he says he offers two insemination processes the old-fashioned way so he puts it out there like this guy how i mean gary i know i wish everybody could see gary's expression right now and you know he doesn't i don't know if he leads with that but he definitely puts it in bold i'm happy to do what you need we can or don't this guy is the most arrogant man i have ever heard of in my in my life right i mean the ability this isn't about helping anybody this is about him trying to create a master race thank you yeah he says he'll do it the old-fashioned way and he's building it one american summer at a time he's happy to help you do it the do it

yourself way which he says splits the ladies 50 50 by his reckoning so half have taken it like let's do this the other half like you just give me a little cup. Give me the cup. I offer both options and although the natural natural way has a higher success rate, I do understand

that it's not for everyone. Joe, are you trying to say you're an acquired taste? Some of the women are lesbians and would not want

to have sex with me. I feel like he just learned that like that's a phrasing he learned like where he was like this is what you need. I feel like he just learned that. That's a phrasing he learned. He was like, this is what you need to start saying. And he's like, okay, some women don't want to have sex with me. Because they're lesbians.

No, that's not it, Joe. That's not it. That's not the only reason. What if I say some women are lesbians and don't want to have sex with me? That technically works. How many times, Gary, do you think this guy has said at like a dinner party, give me 15 minutes with Rachel Maddow? I'll flip her.

I'll flip her like they flip George. I'll flip her. I'll flip her. He says, well, others are married, but their husbands are infertile. There's not a single charge for the sperm pot. I don't know what that is but i as i do just enjoy making the world a better place some women do offer to help with my travel expenses if they live far away which means he will travel to you because he just wants to do this dan he's trying to turn his

fetish into like this altruistic he's making it sound like i make my own granola that's what he's like pathological right right logical like it's not like you make your own granola you're making human beings it's like a and by the way you're creating more people who have the genes inside of them that they think they can do this type of a thing right right i quote i always feel great when i know there's been a birth i'm sure it is a real it's sure'm sure it's sure been a relief for Joe, who says he has fathered children all over the globe from America, Argentina, Italy, Singapore, the Philippines, and the UK donating his sperm.

The super sperm donor says he is on track to help 10 women fall pregnant by the end of the year. That'd be 2020. By the way, they described that as 10 women falling pregnant by the end of the year that'd be 2020 by the way they describe that as 10 women falling pregnant yes you fall ill that's true yeah you get pregnant yes yes he's currently meeting prospective mothers in london after finding himself stranded in argentina for most of the lockdown imagine that conversation what are you in the country for a little bit of this a little bit of that i mean i'm not here for so many of the lesbians what are you talking about man joe how much does he call

himself joey apple seed coronavirus hasn't slowed me down uh and i feel busier than ever i love seeing the photos of the babies and when they're born as a lot of them do look like me okay that's why you like it they're right they're babies and you're a bald man no no and everyone looks it goes back to what gary said gary he's pathological narcissist narcissistic he does not care that he's helping someone achieve whatever uh life's like i like that they look like i like that they look like he has several photos with the offspring that he helps produce. Though to preserve his anonymity, he doesn't reveal the baby's identities publicly. That's the reason to do that.

The reason to do that is it's not your business. He has been donating his sperm in his own unregulated way, which you know is what a lawyer told him to repeatedly say. Unregulated. Joe, you are unregulated because of the lesbians no he's like one of those people who aren't a bank who wants to lend people money yeah but you're a member fdic right no no no no no he's been doing this since 2008 yes but he is since the recession so recession. So there are about six kids in Israel that are about

to have their bar and bat mitzvahs. Right. That's so true. Quote, I have always said I wouldn't father more than 2,500, but that would technically be impossible unless I lived... Who have you always said that to? Anyone at the bar.

You know what I've always said to people, Gary? I don't like cilantro. Yeah. He's like, it's like I tell every person on the plane, stop. Stop bothering people, Joe. No. So he's like, so now he's the kind of person who starts talking to you while your earbuds are in so that you're like, do I have to take these out and actually listen to this? You're pointing to

him and he's still not getting i love when i'm on i miss that's something i miss which i won't miss it hopefully by the end of next year when i would somebody would get my attention on a plane i'd take my ear pod they'd be like do you like those things i'm like you asked me you knew i was using it and now you want to talk to me about the thing you made me stop using. Do you like those? I used to. I was. I was. Up until a few seconds ago. I love them when they're in. Yeah.

Gary, have you flown so much for stand-up that you are only like business class or first class now? Did you do it right? Yeah. Very, very, yeah. Very rarely did I have to. Also, I'm so tall. Yeah. You're 6'6".

Yeah. Yeah. It's a real problem i i sometimes i'll have to throw on an extra few hundred dollars but it's it's worth it when compared to the price of of fixing um blood clots in your legs yeah that's true my man amen yes he says i aim to donate my sperm for as long as it works, which could be until I'm in my 90s. Yeah. Though not operating... Again, Gary, the hubris that this guy thinks he's living into his 90s, he's 49. We're 49 almost in a month, and I think I've got about 20 more years to go.

That's right. Though not operating under any official system or program. Again, that's what his lawyer told him to say. I'm sure Joe says he makes sure to have regular STI checks. I have a health check at least annually, but if a woman requests more frequent testing, I will have another check on demand.

Joe is hoping to head back to his hometown of America. It's not a hometown, not a hometown, his home country. You can pay him in cold cash. Right. He can be referred in the NFL. I'm a big America fan.

Yeah. I love the America Americans. They're amazing. After his UK trip, he says he's going to head to America, but he's happy to travel anywhere in the world to donate his sperm. Of course he is. We'll get out a story, too, on this, my friends. How many kids has Joe fathered?

Oh, by his records, which I'm sure are meticulous. How many kids has Joe fathered? Gary, you are a guest. You can go first. You can go Tig, which is second, or you can go third. I'm going to say 68. 68

kids. Jay, what do you think? Gary won the first one. I need to point that out. I'm going to say 68. 68 kids. Jay, what do you think? Gary won the first one. I need to point that out. I'm going to say 140. 140. He said he wants to sire. And I think it's, let's just call it what it is. This is like getting a horse, thoroughbred horse together.

He wants to send him out to bed. He wants to sire 25. He's always told everybody. Well, no, he said he would love to do 25, but it's impossible because he won't have to live until he was 250 or something. Fine. I think he's done 220 kids.

220 kids. 140, and he said 60. We'll get out a story, too, on this. And if you're a Patreon member, you would also, after this, we're going to record a little bit of bonus time talking to Gary. So make sure you get on the Patreon if you want that. But I will tell you, before would also, after this, we're going to record a little bit of bonus time talking to Gary. So make sure you get

on the Patreon if you want that. But I will tell you before we leave story number two, that Joe, Papa Joe, has fathered

150 kids worldwide. Oh! Good job, Jason. What did I say? 140. 140. Yeah. 140.

Jesus. Way to go, Jay. Thanks, man. Thanks, Gary. Thanks, Gary. There you go. That's story two down the books. Dan, give us a little tease of what we're going to hear just in the quick story. I'll give you the headline.

Sure. Why not? Obnoxious shirtless man steals volleyball. Is this from the NXIVM cult? Keith Ranieri coming up after the break. I love it. We'll be back with Gary Goleman. And for Patreon fans, we got a little story with him.

Hold on. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make and for patreon fans we got a little story with him hold on we'll be right back stick around make it sound for more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to the show daniel take us home okay all right sent in by patsy at max corn was here love when i see a new person uh do hashtag don't people take in returns hashtag dumb people town at daniel van kirk on twitter it just says disturbance eastland road because i think this is like a blotter an eastland resident called police at about 1 15 p.m november 28th and said that a shirtless man was walking around the neighborhood causing trouble so what do we say man anytime

there's a guy who's like over 50 without his shirt on and nowhere near the beach in public, that's a problem. You're causing trouble. Looking for a fight. Right. If you're in Buffalo, you're looking for a fight. The resident said he was outside with his neighbor when the man approached and took the neighbor's volleyball.

Just come on, man. There's a lot of yelling. I take your volleyball. When the resident told the man to return the volleyball. Just come on, man. There's a lot of yelling. I take your volleyball. When the resident told the man to return the volleyball, by the way, who is on their front lawn holding a volleyball? You deserve to have that taken away. When the resident told the man to give back the volleyball, I love adults fighting over like childhood arguments. Yes. Yeah. Give it back. When he told her to return the volleyball, the man threw a can of coke at the residence and you know it was open and it was almost empty.

Half of it went flying. Like he couldn't get enough torque on it because it wasn't like curved away from him. The man ordered the resident not to call the police because a warrant had been issued for his arrest due to a previous incident. So he steals a volleyball,

throws a can of Coca-Cola and goes, don't be fucking jerks and get me arrested for this. Can I have my volleyball back? No, but don't you call the cops. Police saw the man near the condominiums on Williamsburg Court in Middleburg Heights. That's too many words to say

where the person was. Yes. Where was he? the condominiums where on williamsburg court and the one in middleburg heights yes the man the one in pheasant run crossing uh chris kirst being court the man said he lived there with his grandmother police confirmed oh it's over by the canterbury arms i know i got i know i think we're literally about to get more weird police confirmed the man was wanted in garfield heights there's too many names everything's a height as they walked him to their cruiser the man asked if he would face additional charges if he ran away i love him

just testing out the room hey guys can i ask you a question i know we're going back to your cop car what if i ran away just say say it. If I escaped. Do I get more things added if I do that? Am I in more trouble? Right. Can I just interject one notion? Woody Allen. He becomes Woody Allen.

Shirtless Woody Allen with him. It feels very pedantic. I don't mean to be facetious nor didactic in any manner. I don't know why we by be facetious nor didactic in any way i don't know why we're taking my leave i don't know why we're knocking masturbation it's sex with someone i love okay i'm gonna go in the woods and do it right it's not illegal to ask a question right um she said he lived there then he wanted to know if he'd face additional charges if he ran away the man then took an aggressive physical stance toward police and clenched his fist, which I'm sure the cops like.

What are you doing, bud? What's going on? He tried to run, but police restrained him and placed him in handcuffs. Why he was not already in handcuffs. He took a buffalo stance. He took a buffalo stance. Garfield Heights police confirmed that they had issued an arrest warrant for the man, but they asked the Brea police to warn him and let him go. So now they're going to push this off

to another police. It's like catch and release when you're fishing. Brea police determined that the man had committed no crime by taking the volleyball and throwing a Coke on Eastland, so they released him.

Catch and release. Hey, you want to steal a volleyball? Have at it. So technically, had he run away from cops he would have been arrested he would have been arrested for that but or not because he technically couldn't be in their custody also you can't just steal volleyballs and throw coke at people how's that not illegal maybe he thought it was a game and he's winning for sure or losing this is how the nexium cult came down and that's what we said before that's story number three my friend that is the show gary goldman i i thank you so much for joining us i

can't wait till we're hanging out with you backstage at a show i know i mean i miss you i know maybe we maybe we can do one of these festivals together and then i want to come i want to come to new york and do some shows maybe we'll come down to the cellar will you with you yeah we haven't done the cellar in like it's been so long five years i really want to come to New York and do some shows. Maybe we'll come down to the cellar and do shows with you. Yeah, we haven't done the cellar in like 25 years. I really want to come back. And it's been a year since we did this show at the Bell House, so we'll definitely be back in 2021. Yeah, we'll be back and we can hang with you.

We love you guys. And Gary, thanks so much. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. I love you guys. Thank you so much for having me and great talking to you. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down.

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