Dumb People Town - Geoff Tate - This Is My Service Sword

Episode Date: July 5, 2019

A Huntsville, AL gas station robbery ends in a knife vs machete fight!

Star Pains, I know. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Tate. Jeffrey T another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Tate. Jeffrey Tate. Hello. GT. GT and the place to be. How are you, man? You're a fan favorite and a friend favorite. We love having you on this show.

And a favorite friend. Yeah, a favorite friend. Favorite friend. This is all too much, guys. My favorite moment was last night. I'm at the Dead & Company at the show at the Hollywood Bowl, having a great time with my wife. And then all of a sudden I hear, Randy! And I was like, what? Hey.

What in the world? But it was like a great, I see you. And I knew it was someone who knew me. Because he didn't say Jason. I just said it in a confidence. And then I saw good old Jeff Tate. And I was like, yeah, dude. That's awesome.

That's sweet. It was such a treat. When you see someone in that environment that you know from another environment, it is always wonderful. And I'm going to pay you this compliment. I quote your joke, and I probably don't do it right.

I'm sure you don't do it right. But the joke you made about how people were so freaked out about, was it about steroids in baseball? When every single ballpark's dimensions are different? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one's got a 12-foot wall. This one's 100 feet out in left field. And you're like, are we really freaking out?

You really get worried about the sanctity of the stats. Somebody's playing in a matchbox. We don't even have a uniform field. Yeah. They moved the fence up in New York at Citi Field for the Mets. Yeah. Because the first couple years it was open, nobody hit any home runs. So they moved it forward.

They just moved it in. Yeah. Like, ooh. Let's talk about sanctity of stats at that point. Right? Imagine if my high school basketball team was like, we're just going to use nine-foot rims. Nine-foot rims.

But only when we're going that way. Yeah, yeah. On our side. Only when we're shooting our thing. Jeez. The sanctity of the stats. That team has so many dunks. All right.

Well, I appreciate you. I can't believe it. I yell chopper four at my brother constantly. I love your brother. Yell it at him. Yeah. I mean, anytime we see a helicopter, we do the chopper four. Chopper four.

I love that. Well, here's the deal, Jeff. And I know you know this, that the world is getting dumber, and your travels in this world, I mean, ocean levels are rising, IQs are going down. Those are like, they feel, they're like directly proportional to each other, and the only way to combat it is through comedy, and Dan gets these great stories sent in. So, Dan, should we jump in? We got Jeff Tate here.

Let's use the genius. We shall. He's like a weapon. Let's use it. We've weaponized our Tate. in? We got Jeff Tate here. Let's use the genius. We shall. He's like a weapon. Let's use it. We've weaponized our Tate. Let's bring out the Tate. This is sent in by Brett Cummins slash Motor City HDJ at Motor City HDJ. I think he needs more stuff.

I know. I wonder what HDJ stands for. HDJ? Yeah. Motor City HDJ House DJ Oh okay In Detroit

Yeah Huntsville, Alabama Here we go A state we still have to Explore Make a part of this country Oh yeah Newly released surveillance video shows a knife fight

Between two Babies If you said two babies I would have been like I would have been like The toddler Okay If you said two babies, I would have been like... I would have been like... The toddler... Okay, if you said a knife fight between two babies, Jeff, in Huntsville, Alabama,

part of you would have been like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I would have assumed it was in the backseat of a car while their mom was smoking. For sure. And the car's not even on. No, no. They're not going anywhere. Literally and figuratively. That's just where they do those things. Between two would-be robbers and a store clerk,

two people were arrested Saturday afternoon after an attempted robbery at the Conoco on Pulaski Pike. Put that onto the walking tour. Sunday. Pulaski. By Put that on to the walking tour. Sunday.

Pulaski. By the way, there was a bank in St. Louis where we had money at Pulaski Savings. You can't not say that like you're from Chicago. That's very, well, I mean, Pulaski is a very important road in Chicago. Pulaski Savings.

I gotta go down to Pulaski and take some money out. I gotta pull out some money from my savings in Pulaski. Huntsville police confirmed that Laney Nicholson. Little Laney Nicholson? I know, I know. Laney Nicholson and Seth Holcomb both face attempted robbery charges. Wait, is one a woman and one a man? But you gotta figure out which.

And that's where the riddle starts. Where was it? Police say that Holcomb went inside the gas station and started to buy something, going back and forth to his car several times. When you're a convenience store clerk. We worked at gas stations. We worked at gas stations in high school. Too many in and outs.

You should have it all figured out, and you should probably not once. Oh, I forgot my wallet. One out and in. Oh, I actually have a couple of quarters I can change. Yeah, right. In, out, in again. That's all you get. More than that, and now I'm calling the cops.

Right. I've paid for people. Like, where I live in Cincinnati, where I record my podcast, I have the first ever podcast that's co-hosted by Brothers. Oh, yeah. It's called Altered Tates. That's great. It's a real, we're trying to carve our own market.

I think you can do it, guys. I mean, it's never been done. Be pioneers. You guys be pioneers. You look like a pioneer. We record in Kentucky and the gas station right next to us. There are people that will come in

and then go back out and then come in and then the second time he has to go back out to get more coins or whatever, I just paid for the shit. Just get out of here. Just please.

I can't handle you walking in and out. Just as a bystander. I was next. It was worth $6 for me to be done. Isn't Kentucky the place where everyone goes to drink or get messed up on Sundays? You can't buy liquor in... There are a lot of counties

in Kentucky that are dry. Kentucky is real... I mean, they're not, let's say, current. But where I go... You could have ended right there. I got a room like this in Kentucky though. You need a room like this. A red room. I like that you pay for people

because sometimes it's not about being nice. It's about wanting it to end. Dan, you said this before. This is your family thing at the Olive Garden. Paid for the whole meal just because you wanted it to end. And I love my family. But the argument over the check and as Dan's walking out to his car,

he says under his breath to himself, our long national nightmare is over. Until next Black Friday. That's what we do. Olive Garden on Black Friday. That is your personal Black Friday. The one on Pulaski? Dan's like, I have to be successful enough this year to pay

for my family's Black Friday period. You understand? I need to be able to this year to pay for my family's Black Friday. You understand? I need to be able to cut that off when I want to cut it off. Exactly. No more breadsticks. We're done. I paid it. We're out.

We found the bottom. And that receipt, I'm not shitting you, I might have said this before, is like this long. Yeah. And it's everything. Like water, more breadsticks. Like they put everything in. Why?

I don't know. Because I want to let you know what you did. It's a CVS receipt. Look at what Like water, more bread. Like they put everything in. Why? I don't know. Does anyone want to let you know what you did? Look at what you did, you animals. So Laney Nicholson and Seth Holcomb. So they went inside the gas station. I'm sorry, Holcomb did. That'd be Seth. Went inside the gas station and started to buy something,

going back and forth to his car several times. If you're that convenience store clerk, just put your hand on whatever weapon you have. Just put it on it. Press the button underneath it. Yeah, at least hover the button. Hover the button hover the no i say press it you just start pressing yeah because if they show up be like oh i'm sorry we're all good whoops yeah uh he went back and forth through his car several times before pulling a large knife on the clerk

and demanding cash that's not a knife surveillance video shows Holcomb then tried to leave the store. This is where the plot thickens. But the clerk auto-locked the door. Uh-oh. Now you can't get out. But someone's got a knife. Yeah. Right.

And you've locked them in. Oh, no. He hit the wrong button. Why did we put the auto-lock right next to the call the cops button? Wouldn't it be great if it became that? The guy goes up, pushes the door. It doesn't open. And then there's this, they've forgotten about this crime.

They're both not involved. It's like, you're going to back up and then walk at it again. It'll pick you up if you, nope, you got to go. Start at the milk. Start at the milk. So that's what I would say if I were that guy. I'd be like, okay, something's wrong with our door. I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do here. Step back and let's step forward again. All right, run at it as hard as you can. Yeah. Maybe they'll knock themselves out. Hit it with your head. It's a push door. You got to hit it with your head really hard on the forehead.

It registers eyes. So if your eyes are closed as you go towards the door, it'll open. Or you say run and push as hard as you can and then as they get close, you open it. 100%. The button to open it is way behind the shelf. Can I borrow that knife for a second? I can reach down and tap that

button. Oh, sure. So Holcomb tries to leave the store, but the clerk auto locked the door. That is when the unidentified Clerk then pulled a bigger knife Oh yeah That's not a knife This is a knife

Unidentified my ass We all know who that was Paul Hogan He has hit hard times but he's probably at least a manager At Conoco. Pull the machete out on Seth Hoffman. We need to refill the Sprite. A machete?

I'm going to cut this coconut. If it was the second shift, the guy working would have thrown his pet snake at him. Who has a machete? That's my question, too. What comes first? The job, and then you decide, I'm going to get a machete to work here, or you're a machete person. Did he pull out a machete? Yes.

The clerk did. Or are you a machete person who then finds the job where you could use this? Because this is not the first time where he's like, where's my machete? Oh, there it is. Yeah. Have you ever been to Huntsville? They were probably getting robbed by a lot of jungles. Uh-huh.

By a lot of undergrowth. Yeah. Have you ever been to Huntsville? They were probably getting robbed by a lot of jungles. By a lot of undergrowth. Have you ever been to a Conoco before? This guy needs the machete just to cut through red tape. Oh, snap. Have you seen that? To make those receipts that you were talking about. Yeah, exactly. But no, but there is something to be said about the fact that at this job, you could bring a machete.

I know. There's very little oversight. Machete can just be there with you. You can't do that if you work for Citibank. You can't do that at the UN. If you work at a Conoco, though, your machete's good. Bring your pet to work. Welcome to Knives and Stuff.

How can I help you? You can't even do that at Cutco. You can't even do that. What are you going to use it for? I work at a convenience store. Imagine this exchange of you buying a knife for your convenience store job, but machete. But I'm almost more apt to let somebody bring a machete to work with them than for people to bring their dogs into restaurants. I'm sick of it. I'm so done with that.

Is this a machete-friendly patio? Yeah. Can I bring my machete in here? I have to tie it up on the tree. You're on the plane. You're like, this is my comfort machete. I'm so sorry. My machete is my service sword.

He's so quiet. You won't even know it's here. Excuse me. I'm allergic to pressed metal. Can you not? I'm going to need to switch seats. Yeah, I got to switch seats. My kid just is looking at it, and it's looking at him.

Does it bite? So the identified clerk pulls the bigger knife, a machete, on Seth Holcomb. The video shows Holcomb push his way through the front door to escape. Excuse me. Yeah. Wow. The clerk followed Holcomb outside. Good. And at this point, ends up in a fight with Lainey Nicholson, who had her own knife.

No! Yeah! This is a three knife fight. This is a three knife fight. A three knife fight. Holy shit, they all brought knives to a knife fight. It's wonderful. No one's ever brought knives to a knife fight. One of them brought a machete.

And then one of them pulled out a metal, one of those metal pickaxes from the end of Streets of Fire. What was that? Is that Valerian steel? Hey, there it is. She had her own knife. The video shows the clerk damaging the vehicle in process.

Okay, so let's run it through here. Oh, yeah, he's chopping down on the car. Their car. Yeah. So the guy... He doesn't care about his machete. Right. So the guy...

That's insured. I'll sharpen this later. It is definitely insured. You know it's... You want the plan on this later. It is definitely insured. You want the plan on this? Sure. A two-year performance. And then he gets in the mail, do I want to renew this?

I got five years handle to tip on this thing. So you own the machete. Register it. 10,000 stabs. Whichever comes first. And then you can buy the extended warranty if you want. Only if you want. The extended machete warranty. So the guy tries to rob the clerk.

Right. The clerk locks him in. Yeah. And pulls out a machete. So then guy breaks out through door, like pushes the door against its way, gets out, clerk chases him out with machete, ends up confronted with the

lady Nicholson, who's got her own knife, so they start a knife fight. The couple that knife fights together stays together. We do know that. That is true. Then the clerk starts destroying their car with his machete. Smart.

While that was going on. That's all he could do in that instance. Right. While that was all going on, police said Seth Holcomb went back inside the store to retrieve the cash from the drawer. There you go. Smart. Hey, you going to start messing with my car? You got this, honey?

You good? You're busy? You're going to keep doing that car thing for a minute? I'm going to run back into the store. And do what I came to do. You've completely left unattended with a door that's broken open. Dummy. And just go get the money you left in the drawer.

Which is probably still open. See how dumb keeps shifting in this story? Yeah. I'm like, stop hitting the car. Go back and save the- You got the guy to leave. By the way. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, it's like a goalie. And the truth of the matter is- Like mad that another guy kind of checked him weird and is way out by the blue line. Way out. Checking a guy while the puck's still in play. Corey Crawford from the Blackhawks would be known to do that. Everyone's like, yeah, it's an empty net back there.

Don't worry about that. Oh, I'm going to hit him. No. I got something to prove. Stay on goal. Stay in the goal. Stay in the goal, dude. That's all you got to say. Pick up Stay on goal. Stay in the goal. Stay in the goal, dude. That's all you got to say.

Pick up your machete. Understand what your goal is. So Holcomb goes back into the store, retrieves cash from the drawer, probably runs out. This dude's still hitting this car, and he's probably like, Ben, drop the knife.

Let's go. We got it. Holcomb and Nicholson, that's Seth and Laney, if you're friendly, drove off. Huntsville police found the vehicle and stopped the couple officers took both into custody no serious injuries were reported

store employees have declined to speak to whnt news 19 about what happened if you are the owner of that conoco okay this is the most unbelievable employee you could ever have. Now we worked at gas stations. People did not care about their jobs at all. Certainly not enough to pull a machete out. If I saw somebody stealing cigarettes out of the case where we kept them, which was out by the gas, we didn't have the cigarettes in the store. They were, it was in a giant case out by the gas. If I Basically saying, take me. If I saw, and people saw me take it out of there, if I saw

someone reach in there and start stealing it, would I have gone after them? No. On my way to college? No. Alright, we are now going to watch the video. Which, by the way, will be posted on the Facebook page. If you're listening to this and you aren't following or liking the Facebook page, stop what you're doing right now.

Like it, follow it, and then you can get all this great stuff. So let's check it out. All right. Before we do that, though, we're going to take a quick little break and we'll be right back. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show. Our guest is the great Jeff Tate. Where can people see you soon? And you have this podcast, so let's start with the podcast.

Oh yeah, it was groundbreaking, is what my mom calls it. It's the first podcast in the history of podcasts. Done by two brothers. Done by brothers, yes. I love this. We're actually brothers. Jason, how much do you love this? It's inspiring

to me because i actually a little pointedly to me yeah he said it to me with like a there was an air of like actually brothers so let's not tell people how to how they can find it yeah good luck i don't care altered tastes uh that Tates. That actually was for the... John Hodgman tried to convince me that the McElroy brothers weren't actually brothers. That made me laugh so hard. Just the idea that these guys would do that for six years. My brother, my brother, and me? Yeah.

None of us are brothers? It's all in quotes. My brother, my brother. It is in quotes. It is, though, which makes you quotes. My brother, my brother. It is in quotes. It is, though, which makes you wonder. My brother, my brother, and me. So it's not you. It's not even you.

How are you not talking about yourself? Anyway. Do you have any dates coming up? Stand up. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll be at Go Bananas in the end of June 27 through 30. Go hit it if you're in Cincinnati.

And then in July, what do you have? I'm in Cleveland on June 12th. It's a Wednesday night. That will already have happened. Oh, it will? Well, whatever. That was a great show. How fun was that? July 12th. No, I said June 12th. I mean, if you go on July 12th, who knows?

Maybe they'll have a good headliner then, too. Hilarity is in Cleveland. Come and get it Nick God love them And we put our podcast up on Tuesdays on iTunes Great Get after it

Fair enough Okay Dan Daniel what do you have? Any fun live things coming soon? Depending on when this drops Just go to danielvankirk.com To look at tour dates I will be in Cincinnati

Before the end of the year That date should be finalized soon But look forward in the fall and keep up to date on that because I'm going to be coming to Go Bananas. And then in September, I will be part of the

JFL 42 in Toronto. So go to danielvankirk.com for all that stuff. And the Sklars, you guys are out the whole year. At least once a month, right? Every month. Every month we're somewhere.

Some months twice. We're going to be at the Montreal Comedy Festival And to our fans who bought tickets for San Diego We will be back there in January January 23rd, 24th, 25th, 26th That's a good move We always want to move those San Diego dates

To January It's going to be fun You guys who live in LA Go ahead and take the other warm weather stuff I'm sorry We had to move it. We were trying to do you a favor and do it in July. Maybe you can get your dates in an altered tate.

I can't believe that when Manny Machado signed with the Padres, that was the best idea I'd ever heard. Ten years in San Diego, you're going to be hot every other week at the most? He's going to be so happy. I apologize. No, don't, never. Performing in front and doing what he does in front of dishonorably discharged veterans. It be so happy. I apologize. No, don't, never. Performing in front and doing what he does

in front of dishonorably discharged veterans. It's so great. Are you guys holding up? I just like making Jeff Tate laugh. That makes sense. I love you all. I have to wait for a clean cut.

All right, come on. All right, you guys want to watch this video? Let's do it. Okay. All right, so we're going to watch this. Guys, we've already got the meat of the story, but after we watch this, we are going to play around to guess the AG. We just have to see this. Go to the Facebook page

if you want to play along. It's also in like double or triple speed, which gives it a real yakety sex feel. So for all you listeners, we are looking at the convenience store right now. There's too many things in this convenience store. Also, it like an open party my way a little bit let me see it's just like an open party cooler of beer like it's a beer truck that looks really refreshing okay you ready for this here we go i'm very here we go he's running in running out

he's got a knife he's yelling it's a partition a partition, a glass partition. A lot of arguing back and forth. Too much. And this is sped up. So imagine how long that actually took. You can't get in there. And this guy, green on green hat. It does not look like a sharp knife, let me just say. It's more of a blunt object knife. He tried to kick the door. He just wants to get into the door to fight with the cashier. This guy's got a knife now.

Now the cashier's got a knife. Yeah. Knife on knife. And he's just waving it around. Waving it around. Can't get out of here. Never robife on knife. And he's just waving it around. Waving it around. Can't get out of here. Never rob a convenience store. Now he's pretending he has a gun in his pocket. And he's in the back. It looks like he's stealing a banana.

It does look like he's stealing a banana. Go after him. Go after him. Whoa, no. They're going after each other. Each one is charging at the other guy, but no one really wants... If someone's going to hit someone this, they would have hit it by now. I know. Tony, I'm going to tell you this, too.

Don't ever rob a convenience store that already has bars on the windows. And now the guy cannot get out, and he's slamming into the door repeatedly. Probably hits it like three or four times. You can see him yelling at the convenience store employee. Let me get out of here. I know. Look at this. Breaks the whole door down.

There's Lainey Nichols waiting on the outside. She's got a knife. She's got a knife. She's got a knife. Now Lainey Nichols. Oh, he slides. Oh, he's hitting the car. Hit the car.

Seth has run back inside. She's like, my leg! My leg! He is doing good damage to this car. By the way, she tried to take a punch. Wow, he hit her on the head! Hit her on the head with the knife. Meanwhile, Seth goes back into the convenience store. Let me get that money. I know.

And then after he breaks the door, it gets out. It just shows you can't break a door. They fight outside. I mean, he breaks both doors. Oh, my God. He breaks them both off. They fight outside. That is hilarious.

I know. I'm going to ask you guys right now. It was very blurry in that video. How old? How old are Laney Nichols and Seth Hulk? Are they the same age? There is a time of the year, I believe, when they are the exact same age. Okay.

You can go first, Tig, or third in your guess. Tig is between me and Jason. When given the option to go first or after us, she said, I'd like to go in between you. That is the Tig slot. So, Jeff, you may go first, Tig, or third. Where would you like to go in terms of guessing? I would like to go Tig. There you go.

Jason, go first. They're 33. Okay. Jeffrey? And I was going to say 27. There you go. Jason, go first. They're 33. Okay. Jeffrey? And I was going to say 27. Solid. Okay. Yeah, I think they're 39.

Okay. One of you is exactly right. So now we get to play the game of who you think is exactly right. You can go first, Tig, or third on that. I want to go third. Okay. So Jay, who do you think? I'm right. 33. I'm right. You can go first, Tigger, third on that. I want to go third. I'm right, 33. I'm right, 39. Okay. Jeff?

Jason. Jason thinks 33. Solid podcast point from Jeff. Always good to do a non-verbal. Oh, sorry. I took my cues from earlier when you said the receipt was this big. I did. We are on camera. I know. Tate! We are on camera.

I know. That's why I pointed. Fair, fair, fair. Tate 2000. By the way, he had that loaded up like a machete that he brought to work. Every day. He brought that receipt bar like a machete to work. Like, I dare you to fucking step to me.

You only need it once. You only need dare you to You only need it once You only need it once Okay alright Lainey Nicholson And Seth Holcomb Are Get your answers in now Tony We're gonna get out of this story

On this Are 33 years old Oh Here we go You got a piece Jeff You got a piece Jeff got a piece Jeff got a piece, Jeff.

Jeff got a piece. Jeff got a piece by jumping on Jay's bandwagon. There you go! I guess low, if I could explain my fish, if I could show my work for a minute, I guess low because they look like, they don't look like they've made the best decision, so people like that tend to look a little older.

I think they're aged up, so maybe they're 33 but look 39 or 27. I thought they're aged up. So maybe they're 33 but look 39 or 27. I thought they were 27 because they looked 40. Right. That's fair. You went with the go back. You back timed it 13 years. Well, I've been to Alabama.

You know what's crazy about that story being from Huntsville? Huntsville, Alabama has the highest IQ per capita in this country. What? Really? Yeah, there's a NASA thing there. There you go. And they were trying to make the ultimate Alabama getaway. You don't have to be a rocket science to come up with that one.

Did I say rocket science? Yeah, rocket science. You also don't have to be rocket science to come up with that. Guys, remember, bring your machete to work. Check out Altered Tates. And follow Jeff Tate on the old Twitters and the old Instagrams. Give him your handle. It's at Jeff Tate on Instagram.

G-E-O-F-F. And then on Twitter it is? Jeff Tate 96. G-E-O-F-F. Look up Jeff Tate. You'll find him there. Follow him. He's a great follower. Listen to him wherever up Jeff Tate. You'll find him there. Follow him. He's a great follower.

And listen to him wherever he does his stuff. And go see him live. And see us live. And, oh shit, we need to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. When you're down, it's Dumb People Town.