Dumb People Town - Gianmarco Soresi - Bemused

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

Comedian Gianmarco Soresi (Tour dates) stops by Randy describes how a Missouri woman stole a fire truck and crashed into a tree, Jason explains why a man suffering from headaches had chopsticks lodged in his head, and Daniel warns against going with Avis, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: BettterHelp and Mint Mobile! Never skip therapy day, with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month. To get this new customer offer and your new 3-month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to MintMobile.com/DPT.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of hope so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half price bail I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-hosts Arm and Dan This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This ad is sponsored by BetterHelp. When your schedule is packed with kids activities, Jay you know this, big work projects and more, it is easy to let your priorities slip.

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to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash D-P-T. Look, I love a great deal as much as the next guy or gal, but I am not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals. Is it a bed of hot coals? I think it's a bed of nails. It's a bed of nails, but either, I'm not gonna go take a real estate seminar for a weekend

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At mittmobile.com slash dpt. Hey, Toudies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population, you. Population, Serezi. John Marco Serezi, welcome to the show, buddy. I'm so happy you're on our coast. Thank you, I'm happy to be here. Dude. I think so happy. We're on our coast. Thank you. I'm happy to be here dude

Moon tower 2022 I think we're on the same show like yeah Friday night one of those Antons when you're do 2023 is it was it last year last year standing in front of a band doing comedy Yeah, yeah, and set up because it's later on that they do comedy jam and then this class I think piano man. What did you guys do we do for the Billy Joel night. We did big shot. I mean you got a little bit Do the different notes you went uptown riding So shall we jump into a story? Like the world's getting dumber. That's the good news. Whether it's in New York, whether it's,

I'm sure you see a ton of dumb stuff in New York all the time. Yeah, dumb, scary. Dumb and scary. Dumb and scary, yeah. I just saw a picture, and I was like, this can't be real. This cannot be real. Of a person in New York, and I don't know if this made the rounds with you in New York. Sure.

A guy who shot a rat in his apartment. And when I say this rat is big, I mean, maybe you can find it, Aaron. It was like, it's like bigger than a cat. Oh. Penguin? Dude, this thing is so big. And I'm like, are the rats getting that big?

And you just took a swallow. No, well, so in my apartment, we have a room that's the trash room. Yeah, sure. You just filled, and I saw a huge rat. In the trash room. In the trash room. And this is on the second floor. Trash room is kinda like this.

That's so big! And I think what's funny is, when you said that, I was like, I didn't even bother to tell the super rat.'s funny is I was just when you said that I was like I didn't even bother to tell The super just like the trash room. We did that like the DMZ. We brought it on ourselves Yeah, isn't it isn't the trash room an old cream song? Yeah Okay, come on ready yes, I got a story story sent in baby professor demerita at Anne McCarthy This is from October 6 you ready for this. Yes. Here's the headline. This is how dumb this woman is or amazing

Missouri woman so it's our home stay who could have done the game to play it who's home I should have done the game run his home state is this from Missouri woman caught stealing a fire truck Crashing it into a tree? It's not bad enough that you stole the fire truck. I was thinking about this yesterday The one my cousin who grew up just as silly and dumb in Rochelle, Illinois Is me is a firefighter paramedic EMT has been for like 15 years and yesterday across my mind I Bet Kenny knows how to drive a fire truck of Course he does you have everyone has to know but that we think that's we think of right we think of fires

We think of saving people we think of defibrillator panels We think of everything that we all watch on Fox 9-1-1 every single week right sure But I didn't I just never thought that like your body had to learn How to drive the fire truck it's just so this big there. Yeah, it's like a see It's really big ones have a second in the back for those wheels. They got two people steering He's got a good coordinated two people steering is like a double kayak which I would never Also great band double cut Don't you see guys, but anyway double kayak open for? Myself myself and then when there's new firemen Kenny must show them here

We got to show you how to turn the fire truck So this looks like you're jerking off two people in this way. Hopefully that's how you put off fire Only you could prevent you can fires This person just jumped in it was like I'll do it. Yep. I wouldn't have the first Anytime the steering wheel is like this. So woman's like I got it. Is she a hero is what we're asking you well Was there something in the tree was there a cat in the tree? Cuz that's like shake it down isn't that what that thing is fire people used to is like oh we got a cat stuck in There's a real way to the ladder you don't get to turn on the alarm for a cat in the tree

She's like I don't know how to work the ladder. I do know how to drive the truck. I'm going to ram it and shake the tree. So no one ever tells you the moment after the fire people get the cat out of the tree. They bring it down, they hand it to the woman, and it jumps out and goes right back up in the tree. Because cats don't want to be around people. They hate people.

They hate people. They hate everything. They will eat you and kick. They will eat you. Not a cold take at all. They will eat your face out. Peck your eyes out when you're dead. They don't give a shit about you. They're up in the tree. They don't, if it, if it were up to them, they'd be like, give me a place to crap in your kitchen in a box,

lay the food out and I'll be under the bed for all the times where I could be loving you. Are you listening to this? John Marco, he's going off. All right. Sure. They, the cattle eat it, but the human will drive the fire truck into the tree to knock you out. Thank you. Jade Gibbs, great name. Great name. Jade Gibbs. Sounds like a relief picture from 1991. If your name is Jade Gibbs, you're stealing a fire truck. Sure. Allegedly did more than we're going to figure out how much damage, monetary damage to the truck. That's a lot of money. And the fire station, she did damage to the fire station, you guys want to see a picture of her? Of course she's wearing a Dunder Mifflin

shirt. This is guerrilla marketing. I don't even know. like is there a moment where you go like the office got to this lady Yeah, I love that. She's a fan of course That it should have gotten better ratings if it's getting to this lady. Yeah, yeah, she loved it She's like I can see Michael Scott taking a truck. Yeah do something Yeah, I was gonna say she's also so pissed that he never won an Emmy. I don't think he was nominated Okay, a little bit one a little before what time in the morning Do you think this happened well she did damage to the fire station doesn't mean she probably stole it out of the garage Maybe she probably drove it through the garage drove through the garage door. I'm feeling early 7 a.m. 7 a.m. Little before 7 a.m.

What do you think? 2 a.m. 2 a.m. What do you think 5 a.m. Get your answers in town? He's a little before 8 a.m. a little before 7 a.m. what do you think? 2 a.m. 2 a.m. what do you think? 5 a.m. Get your answers in townies. A little before 8 a.m. So this is a work day. She's clocked in. That's your like ideal time? Firefighter shifts in Rochelle, Illinois 7 to 7.

So yeah, she just clocked in. Morning work. On Wednesday. She got a call. Sheriff's deputies in Henry County about 90 minutes southeast of Kansas City got word that someone was driving a fire truck through lawns in a residential neighborhood in the small town of Windsor, Missouri. You got to wonder if she did the fire pole. That's what I'm doing in the fire station. You're going to catch me down the pole. So I kind of makes me hope that she like was drunk, right? Oh, walked up to the fire station doors open. So he's like, all right, walks around a little bit, gets up to the second story. Nobody cares. See the pole and he's like, I'll do the pole. She does the pole. And then she's like, I mean, if I'm going to do, she's like, I will do that pole. If I'm going

to do the pole, I'm going to do the pole. I'm going to do the pole. I'm going to do the pole. I'm going to do the pole. I'm going to do the pole. I'm going to do the pole. I'm going to do the pole. I'm going to do the pole. I'm going the pole might as well take out the truck. Yeah, so it's all her just being like can't really guide the pull and not run to the truck. Yeah, sure. I think I would just keep doing the pole. I think I wouldn't even get to the truck. They catch one more one more time what one of her friends said to her just keep doing the pole. Yeah, I think I would just keep doing the pole. I think I would just keep doing the pole. I think I would just keep doing the pole. I think I would just keep doing the poll. I think I wouldn't even get to the truck. They catch one more, what one of her friends said to her, just keep doing the poll. Jade, you do you, Jade. You love the idea of you just be like, I'm going back.

I'll go. Are you kidding me? I was on the second floor and now I'm on the first. You're the kid at the playground. Who's like, one more time. You don't hear about them anymore the polls Yes, yeah, they do although I think a lot of you gotta have a two-story right I think a lot of firehouses now are just on one floor sure take out take out the need for the pole I bet you're right. I bet there's still the pole first of all we want to guess how old Chicago, New York What are they revamping the whole building? Yeah, they're keeping the pole. They're keep behind It's okay New York when they revamp in the whole building yeah, they're keeping the pole there keep behind it Okay, so deputies arrived on the scene to find the truck smashed into a tree which jade said I parked it Yeah, for her. I said that no. I just oh my god. You know hey. I'm gonna put anything past I parked it right

What do you mean? It's smashed the tree? I'd parked it over it in that tree also shout out tree for being like enough Yeah, the tree's not the rings and not falling out. oh yeah the tree stopped it was like not here behind its wheel was Jade Gibbs will do her age later okay you've seen the picture sometimes it's deceiving we don't meth can take you early guess of 32 okay you guys want to guess it right now no I just want to save it I'll log that in a resident of nearby Iona I, one of the responding officers wrote in a probable cause statement that he recognized Gibbs from her prior encounters.

That's never good. Old Gibbsy? Oh look who's back. What'd you say, old Gibbsy? Guess who's back. Do I feel a little, you know every crime was done in the Dunder Mifflin? Sure.

That's right. That's how. No she had a 30. She's the D.F. Bandit. 30? Yeah. D.F. Bandit. She's the DF Bandit. 30. Yeah. DF Bandit. DM Bandit. DM Bandit.

DM Bandit. Da da da da da. Yeah. Da da da da da. That's her uniform. Da da da da da. What are you? Oh, you're doing it.

OK. I was way behind on that. Gibbs rev. Wait, hold on. I wanted to say, doesn't it feel a little bit of a knife twist? Encounters? Like, not prior incidents. Yeah.

Not arrest. Which almost could just mean he's saying, I've seen this woman around town. encounters Like not prior incidents. Yeah, not arrest Which almost could just mean he's saying I've seen this woman around town She's like she likes it's an encounter and counter sounds like a piano bar where they like cops hang out and encounter means like hey Jade I'm gonna follow you until you get home Yeah, they just start walking they're like're going to do a crime at some point. I know it. I know it. But if we just let her run it out, she'll run around and eventually put her pants back on.

Gibbs rev, you're going to love this detail. Gibbs rev the engine causing the truck to rock back and forth. Oh, because the trees. Yeah, she's on the tree. So they get there and they're like, hey, get out. And she's like, yeah, I'll get out. I'll do this. When he, okay. So the deputy wrote when he announced himself as a deputy, Gibbs made eye contact with him and then shifted the truck into another gear.

Like a toddler that doesn't have their words yet, but just looks at you. I'm going to keep doing this. Like when a toddler looks at you while they're pooping or to Jason's Hatred when a cat looks at you before knocking something off right yeah, or hitting the dog alright So she made eye contact with him then shifted the truck into a different gear revved it again to no avail a bystander a Bystander she's like you lander. She can in reverse. Pushed Gibbs out of the driver's seat. Wait, hold on. The cop is there. The bystander came back. But the bystander is like, I can't handle this.

Knock her out! Off his linebacker. It must have been their tree. Just a random bystander. I think it's maybe neighborhood watch. Gets into the other side of the thing, pushed her out. Pushes her out. Not pull. So she gets into the, I guess, the passenger seat, pushes her out, pushes her out. And then of course, Gibbs just takes off running. She's running. So how hard are you kicking her in the side? If you're in there? I don't know. You get to push her out. She didn't make it too far and the deputy soon had the, we're not going to say a hole, she was in handcuffs and in the back of a police

vehicle. However, Gibbs managed to slip out of the cuffs as well as the vehicle she had been locked into. Who is this woman? She is amazing. She's like- Incredible at Grand Theft Auto, right? For real. She's like a female-

No driving skills but can steal the car. Right, no driving skills but can steal. She's like an enigma wrapped in a conundrum. No driving skills but can steal a fire truck. No. She's like our version of that Gran Turismo movie. Dude, maybe she's a ghost. The deputy who wrote, and then she got out of the vehicle. She was like, did the deputy who wrote the probable cause statement noted that Gibbs was profusely sweating. Oh really?

Well, it's a good, this has been a full morning. She was cuffed a second time and a second time escaped. Wow. That's how sweaty she was. She was slippinged a second time and a second time escape Wow That's how sweaty she was Like her motherly duties and both of her marriages This time charging it to the deputies and getting in the front seat of their car This woman she is like I'm gonna do everything before I go. I'm doing everything I want to have these assumptions these are these are these are great cops

Yeah, but I do have to say at this point in the story. They are horrible at apprehension right well I read she's very sweat a bystander get her out of the fire truck Yeah, then the first time you arrest her she slips out of cuffs and gets away second time your only note is that man She was sweating right and then second time she gets out of the cuffs again and run charge the cops and then she gets in your own car I too this is this is this is a white privilege story. We have to acknowledge There's a lot of getting out of it and just walking away. Yeah deputies deployed a taser However, the deputy wrote that Jay did not respond to the taser deployment She's who is this woman Jay Jay continued to fight with us.

Deputies put a leg and belly chains on her in addition to the handcuffs. It started there. I observed Jade whispering at a rapid rate. So she's speaking in tongues right now. It's like that video on the scary shun. I'm just saying if you arrest somebody, even if, even if you got them on the first time or the third, la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la The truck stays. Yes, the tree then runs into the truck. I observed jave with But I could not make out what she was saying no you couldn't cuz she's not speaking a language saying bears beats Battlestar Galactica She was taken to Henry Countydale is now facing charges of stealing

burglary property damage and a resisting arrest. Well, sure. Yeah multiple times. She really did How about trying to steal a police car for two? She's successful times to catch her Do you were do they say you multiple counts of resisting arrest? Yeah, because you resisted right? Is this all just one night under the one of one of night of resistance? It's a night of resistance. Okay. We've seen the picture of her. I'll show you one more time. Okay. I mean, she seems so sweet. I'm sticking with it. Isn't there a sweetness to her? Okay. 32. I'm going younger. I'm going, I'm going like 23. Okay. 23 really found the office during the pandemic.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Dude. Do, do, do, do, do, do. And Grey's Anatomy, by the way. Sure, of course. And Suits. And Suits.

26. 26. OK. Get your answers in, Townies. We will end the story on this. She's, I mean. Wait, how much money did she cause in damage? Oh, yeah.

We'll do that. Let's do the damage first, and then we'll do that. How much money did she cause in damage? I mean, fire trucks. To the truck and fire station. Jeez. Fire trucks are very expensive. Oh, yeah, we'll do that. Let's do the damage first, and then we'll do that How much money did she cause me fire trucks to the truck and fire station? Fire trucks are very oh, we're not including property now. I mean on the tree. Can you place damage on tree? I'm sure that emotional damage. I'm gonna go $80,000 okay 35

250 thousand dollars damn get your answers in townies She did more than 450 She's that's a lot. I was picture. You're just clipping a door She did bad I probably like straight on front into the tree you just hit the lockers on the way out that equipment alone You know when they come with that number. They're like up charging like they're getting the first offer for not getting bids Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Well. This could be duct tape if we really like you know the police the fire chief is like she did

over $450,000 was a damage you hear that state farm Like he threw that in there, right now suddenly they have a jacuzzi at the fire. Yeah, yeah, yeah We got a second pole did you have second pole back just, yeah. They got a second poll. Did she have a second poll? Back to the fun poll. We got a fun poll. Let John Marco do the fun poll. Right down into a jacuzzi, and then back up and out. All right, age?

Age. Let's end on this, this first story. Then we're going to find out how you can support John Marco, find out how you can support us and see us and the things that we're doing. And then we'll get to another story led by Jason Sklar. But please, tell me how old this lovely Jade Gibbs was.

And she's a guest, I said 26. 23. 32. Okay, answers in townies, get them in, because there's an amazing woman who has done a lot in very little time, 20 years old. Oh! Wow!

Way to go, sir! Holy cow! She didn't have that much experience driving, that's how I know. My daughter's 19, she still doesn't know how to drive. She'll be 19, she still doesn't know how to drive. This woman knows how to drive a truck into a tree. All right, that's story number one, down in the books. We come back, John Marco, Sorezzi's on the show,

we're gonna talk about what he has going on and what we have going on. This is Dumb People Town, don't go anywhere. Stick around, make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. In the break, Aaron described Jade Gibbs as a regular Jade-son-born. That's so good. That's so good.

Oh my God, is that Jade-son-born? Jade-son-born. She's wonderful. John Marco, please tell us how people can support you and the new projects you have and all that stuff so that people can know. Thank you. I got a podcast called The Downside. You can find it anywhere.

Great clips. Yeah, thank you. Is it about a young football player who adopts Sandra Bullock? Yeah. Yeah, we've been having trouble like really stretching it out, honestly. Just one story.

Yeah, just one story. Following one story how a high school football player adopts an old white woman. Training regimen, old white woman. That's about it. Yeah. And then, I'm just on tour. I'm on tour every weekend.

So find me on social media, JoeMarcoSorezzi. And I'm just constantly going everywhere. Yeah. Going to International this year. Are you? Australia. Nice. Australia.

I got a, doing Tokyo. Oh my god. Hey. Hey. Cool. I've heard somebody said Tokyo was really fun. There were a lot of expats there, and it's like, it's all the time.

Wait, Australia, are you doing like a two week jaunt or where you kind of do some TV shows and then go around? I hope, we'll see if we get some TV shows, but I'm just doing like Sydney, Brisbane, Perth, Melbourne, and then Auckland and New Zealand. Comedy clubs or theaters? What are you doing? Like theaters. Oh my god. Theatres, but like the Australian dollar to the American dollar, it's not looking good. Yeah. It's like 64 cents. So you're gonna make

$20 on this troll entire trip. That's the dream. That's the goal. If I sell enough merch maybe. That's right, and then get it paid for. Yeah. Oh my god. That's gonna go great. That's awesome. You're gonna be fine. It'll be super. It's wonderful. I'm so excited. So that's awesome. We should tell you, uh, what we have coming up. Uh, if this drops before we go to Minneapolis, April 4th, fifth, and sixth, when Minneapolis had ACME comedy company, I love that club so much. Have you ever done that club? I haven't done it yet. It's wonderful.

Perfectly designed low ceilings. Great same club that it's been since we started there. Just gorgeous. And Nate Abshire is going to feature for us and our friend Wendy Mabry is going to host. It is, I love this club. I love this city. It is a great smart comedy city. So we'll be there then. We'll be at Moon Tower two weeks after that. We'll be in Salt Lake City. We're going to be in Houston. We're going, we booked this thing. Thank you to Andrew Youngblood, our good friend. We'll be in Houston at the secret group, June 21st, 22nd and maybe first. Yeah.

20th, 21st and 22nd, superschoolers.com for all of that stuff plus other good things on the rise. And we'll find out what Dan's doing in the next segment. But Jay, what do we got? We got a story here sent in by Joseph Gacione. Hey! At Ancient Wizdum. So we go. This guy's sending some great ones.

Man who suffered headaches for, and we'll guess how many months, learns he had chopsticks stuck in his brain. How do you learn that? You learn it? What's going on? What's on your mind? Two chopsticks. Jay, you have a lot of headaches. I have so many headaches. This is the version of the Steve Martin bit. Right. It went horrible. Right. Or maybe hilarious. Or hilarious. How'd

you learn this? When did I last eat sushi? It has to be a piece, right? It has to be. It has to be a piece. I mean, I'm thinking it had to be he was doing the walrus as a joke Yeah, and then forgot that they went all the way That they went all the way up or gradually he must have fallen asleep. Yeah fell down It's got to be a piece of course. It has to be a piece. I think it's the whole store. Did he? The whole there's that guy was famous like a bomb went off on the railway and her pipe went through his fucking head It's kind of like that. No, but with but with the chopstick. Yes. Let's give him that benefit of the doubt Yeah, this is I'm not this is a New York Post story

So I apologize in advance trigger warning their whole beaters are the best part He couldn't get chopsticks out of his head. We're not topic and we're not talking about the piano tune That's what they said. They did not. Yes, they did. A man in Vietnam who had experienced severe headaches for five months. Maybe I have chopsticks in my head. For how many months?

Five months. Oh, shit. Oh, thanks, Jay. Damn it. Thanks, Jay. Well, I won't tell you how old he is. How about that? That's good.

Maybe. I'm sure you'll screw up and do that. Flabbergasted after discovering that a pair of chopsticks lodged in his head. A pear. A pair. A pair, not a piece! A pair. Still in the paper wrapping or just raw?

Yeah, he didn't even take it out. He had made the little helper thing around the end of it too. Didn't even split them. He had the children's? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like wrapped together? Okay. The unnamed, we won't say how old he is

until I get to the next paragraph. Uh, patient reported to the Cuba Friendship Hospital in Dong Hoi on November 25th after suffering the aforementioned headaches as well as fluid discharge and fluid loss. Yeah. Fluid discharge. I think we skipped over it because, because you accidentally said it, but five months. Five months. Headaches.

The beginning part is crazy enough. I don't understand. This is a chopstick. Yes. How does it go for that one? That's a chopstick. How does it go in? I think it's a sword swallower.

It's like a sword swallower. Where does it go? Where does it go? What else in your life are you ignoring? Yeah. Sure. Check out every hole. You you got to examine them all What's in your heart to end the relationships you're in everything you're ignoring if you have?

Headaches for five months his wife is like why do you not want to have sex with me you have a headache again again? Yeah, he's like yeah, sorry. I have a really bad headache Dan How he's like I have really bad guess how many months he had it? He had the headaches. He had a really bad headache and then he turns to his cat and is like, this woman's trying to stick it to me. And the cat's gone. Up in a tree. And it's like, this is how I show love for you. I'm out in traffic. I show love for you by not caring. Let me smack the dog 14 times for doing nothing. I'm your cat, but I just live in the neighborhood and other people think I'm their cat

That's wonderful, too I Absolutely will not there doctors conducted CT scans which revealed that the man was suffering from tension pneumo Forget it cephalus. Don't know this a rare They're a rare but potentially life-threatening neurological condition where you have chopsticks in your defined by dangerous increase in intercranial Intracranial pressure. This is Jay reading it. He's like off the mic and he's like

I mean to be fair. What was the word neuro? neurochopsticker Neurochopstichrolysis Pneumocyphalus. Well, now that feels like another deal. That sounds like pneumococcal pneumonia, which to me is always the funniest thing I ever see. Pneumococcal pneumonia? Pneumococcal.

Seems like sexual in a weird way. Is it a deadly? It's a deadly sexual pneumonia. It is. Sure. A subsequent examination revealed the unusual source of the man's symptoms, a pair of chopsticks that are reportedly penetrated.

How long is that examination? What? His nose or his ears? Well, I was thinking nose, but- What? Let's think. Ears. You guys want to guess?

Nose or ears? This long, though. There's no- I know. It's gotta be nose. If you go ear that deep, it isn't- It's gotta be nose. Nose is the direct shot.

You are bleeding. Nose is the direct shot. Yeah. Nose can be done. Ears you wouldn't be able to hear. You can rebuild him. He'd be bleeding. It is his nose. Yes. It is his nose. Dr. Nguyen Van Man.

Is it Dan's? Nguyen Van Man is the Daniel Van Kirk of doctors in Vietnam. Head of the Department of Neurosurgery dubbed the case, quote, very rare. That's what he dubbed the case? That's all you're going to call it? Sure. He dubbed the case quote very rare That's what he dubbed the that's all you're gonna call it sure he dubbed the case Very rare kind of hardly ever happens for also for all our townies who are like hey This is something stuck inside ourselves. I just want you to know we have talked about it And we are saving it for a live some point this year. We'll do a live show. Yeah

Every year we do there's a list that comes out of American medical reports of things we got stuck inside ourselves Oh, they start orifices top down and so every year we usually do a live show in January and this year It didn't work out, but we run down that list it is Why that's got to be a family feud category? It's unbelievable it is things that were stuck in me for 200 While the man was initially flummoxed over how he ended up with eating Utensils on his mind. Stop saying that New York Post

He recalled that he'd been involved in a fight five months ago while out drinking. Oh, so it's a piece Oh, it's a fight. I was in a fight. He said patient didn't remember many details I thought they said chopsticks. It's only that someone. The patient didn't remember many details from the brawl. By the way, they said chopsticks. It's more than one. It was a move like this. Two chopsticks, Wolverine style. Oh, a nose. Cracked off a little piece.

It's the only way. But I love the, shh, shh. Okay. Try not to break it off in your mouth. He did report, this is it. The patient didn't remember many details from the brawl, only that someone had stabbed him in the face

with an unknown object. You mean chopsticks? Two chopsticks? Yeah. In the face. However, when he reported to the hospital following the instance, doctors didn't find any chopsticks or any abnormalities. What else is he not paying attention to Dan? How much he's drinking. That's what he's not paying attention. I think he did the chopsticks later. I think he may have gone to a brawl and this is a weird fetish and he's like, how high can I get it?

I think this is like when people call a single die dice still. Yeah. And this is a piece of chopstick and they call it, they are calling, Hey, he's got chopsticks in his nose. Sure. And it, cause there's, this is the only based on this so far, everyone's seeing this. My favorite, uh, day, last soul song, chopsticks in my nose. Oh, is it good? Potholes in my lung. I think he was doing the walrus as a joke. He was making fun of some guy who had kind of weird teeth. Oh yeah.

The guy punches him right in the nose. Say it to my face. It cracks slightly, little pieces get stuck up there. Say it to my face. Say it to myself. Oh yeah? Say this to your face. Boom.

Bam. It would have to be an uppercut. It's an uppercut. Oh God. It really would have to be an uppercut. Uppercut. However, you have to be an uppercut. It's an uppercut. Oh, god. It really would have to be an uppercut. Uppercut. However, when you have to wait till he swings, and then you step to the side, an uppercut.

By the way, Jake Paul, in the fight with Mike Tyson this summer, allowed to use chopsticks and jam him on his nose. He is. Mike Tyson not allowed to. And tap in his brother. However, when he reported to the hospital, found the incident, doctors didn't find any chopsticks.

In retrospect, the bemused patient, would you have a sense of humor about that? Would he be bemused? Would you be bemused? I thought you were literally, I thought you were gonna say, in retrospect, they didn't look that hard. Right. In retrospect, it wasn't a hospital.

Believes he'd been stabbed up the schnoz. This is what the New York Post wrote. Up the schnoz? With the food forceps, which then sat undiscovered in his skull until now. Thankfully, doctors were able to remove the chopsticks via endoscopic surgery through his nose. They then used microsurgery to seal the fistula, which is I think probably the area. An abnormal connection between the artery and vein in the brain and the spinal cord

tissue. The patient is reportedly in stable condition. It is kind of funny when you think about that, when they had to repair the fistula, I can see why he'd be bemused. Yeah, bemused. That is his spinal cord tissue was in danger. Can you imagine if you got your medical report

from your doctor visit and they were like, patient was bemused. Bermused. Why? Well then be like, oh yeah, well the chopsticks like rewired his brain so whenever he's mad, he's now bemused. Finds humor in everything.

Yeah, is he making jokes? When you're up bemused. He finds humor in everything. Yeah. Is he making jokes? When you're up there, grab some wasabi and ginger. Yeah. The patient is reportedly in stable condition while he awaits discharge from the hospital. Let's get his discharge out of here. How old? He wants his discharge from his nose.

How many months? Just kidding. How old? That's funny. How old is this man who didn't realize he had chopsticks? He's fighting drunk at a restaurant. Too drunk to remember old Alcoholic ignores this for five months that feels old ignoring. Yeah, well the idea of like oh well you have headaches

You know when you're 56 see you're like well. Yeah I'm gonna say 57 okay Sorry old ancient ancient 57. OK. 57-year-old. Sorry. Old, ancient. Ancient. 57. A dare.

But old enough to know better. Old enough to not care. An old mariner from the sea. We're so old. Where are you going? I kind of like your reasoning. I also feel like at this age, so I'm torn. Because I think a young person goes out and gets

drunk and gets in a fight in a way like a 31 year old just just does this and then forgets like an older person would never let you forget that they got in this fight sure so I think 31 hmm but I also think about Mary to wife waiting to his wife wasn't that early on he may have been complaining to us. I'm gonna go 61 yeah, so I was like 6157 31 it's like a wide range get your answers in townie. We got one more story left Townie you know who you are

You know who you are and you know you're bemused and you know who you are. You know who you are. I'm talking to you! You know who you are and you know you're bemused. And you know what you've done. And you know what those sticks are going. Think about it. This man, chopsticks on his brain, thank you New York Post, was 35 years old. Whoa! 35 years old.

I was in the wheelhouse. Wow. I was in the wheelhouse. You're smart. You know what, It's stupidity. Just dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. All right, Daniel's going to give us a tease, and then when we come back, he's going to tell you.

Dan, what are we getting in second? Rental car fiasco. I love it. I love it. Is Ryan Tannehill involved? I don't know. We'll take a break. We'll come back.

We'll hear what Dan has coming up, and I'm very excited for his upcoming special. All that. John Marco Sorezi is our guest. I'm so excited he's on the show and we'll be right back so wireless prices wireless plans are just insane every gouged city you're like this damn oh oh here let me pay as much as I possibly let me walk across this bed of hot coals is that a thing I don't think it's a bed of hot coals walking across a bed of nails a bed of nails if it is a bed of hot coals. Is that a thing? Is it a bed of hot coals? It's walking across a bed of nails.

A bed of nails. If it is a bed of hot coals, like, no one would sleep in that. You know what I'm gonna say? It's like walking across a bed of hot nails. Hot nails! So it's not just enough that you're walking across. You're now stepping on nails.

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Okay, when your schedule is crazy and you have a crazy schedule, Jay, and so do I at times. Well, it's not even just the schedule. It's your packed life, you're taking care of your kids, you're taking care of your pets, you're taking care of your. Where are you in that pack? You're not in that thing. I'm on the bottom of the call sheet.

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Hey guys welcome back to the show before we get into this final third story which is always fun and fast and enjoyable. Daniel we're on the precipice of your special coming out. We are my special drops on April 17th. Rose Gold, shot in Chicago, Illinois. And I can't wait for everybody to see it. Depending on where you're listening to this, it might be out right now. So go check it out. Go to danielvancurk.com.

If this is before the 9th, I will be running Rose Gold in LA at the Elysian Theater at 730 on Tuesday, April 9th. We'd love to see you there. All other dates are at danielvancurk.com, including May 18th, I would love to see there all other dates are at anal vanker calm including May 18th When I come to Green Lake, Wisconsin What do they have there is there a club there is a theater what's up the thrasher theater in Green Lake, Wisconsin Yeah, now I love it

And also by the way in the meantime while you're sort of gearing up for Dan special go see his movie wine club I can see it's on you can rent it on Apple it's so funny yeah girlfriends a producer I know crushed it great over brought in the best people including Taylor Ortega I love nominal so good yeah wine club is really really great I just did shows in DC thanks to everybody who sold those shows out and then I ended up doing a guest set even on Sunday at the DC Improv and I had people come to all the sets and say that they love Wine Club. It is a real fun, hey let's just watch this movie and chill out tonight. Dan is so good in it. Alright, okay let's let's. Here we go, ready? Yeah.

Sent in by Tim Clinesmith at a Taking Windmills with 1L. By the way I think this is the first time. I know, good to meet you, Tim. Tim Clinesmith, welcome to the contributing corner. We all rent cars, we're all on tour. We always have times where we return our cars. I can't drive. What? New Yorker, New Yorker.

I know, I have a license, it's not even New York, I grew up in Maryland. I got a license, I failed the test five times. All you had to do to pass was parallel park. But I cannot drive four shifts. Can you drive a can drive a fire truck into a tree? Yeah, I think I could pull that one on the tree part problem. I think so I sympathize with her very much It's like can you drive a woman away from you? Okay, well

We've all the three of us have done a lot you return the car. You know like everything's good, right? Oh my god. I'm probably at some point in a towel my god. I've been in a car too just to be clear. Yeah I've rented a car without someone else. Yes, there you go. You're at you're adding that driver Yeah, yeah that driver a woman who rented a car in Toronto said she was wildly overcharged after the company claims She drove over her allotted rental miles. This is stressful. You get the unlimited. Vancouver woman, Giovanna Boniface. Related to you?

Yeah. Giovanna Boniface. That's my grandma. Such a beautiful name. We took away her license. What's going on? She shouldn't be driving, is she? They should take away a lot of older people's license She said she rented a car from Avis after she traveled to Toronto Pearson

Is that a like version of Toronto Pearson Air? Yyz earlier this month to help get her daughter settle the university there you go Yeah, that's how she's doing getting her to you. She said she drove the GMC you can't you can Denali Between the airport downtown Toronto and to Kitchener Kitchener. Oh Kitchener I had a friend Jeremy Paper Nick from paper Nick lived in Ontario where she visited with her mother-in-law in total She said she drove approximately 300 kilometers by the time she returned the car at the airport and checked in for her flight to Europe. So she's all over the place. I'm out of the country and I'm out of the, I'm off the con. What? So did the

Hoos sing the song I Can See For Miles and Miles? Yes they did. Why wouldn't they do kilometers? I mean they are from England. Doesn't that seem weird? They wanted that American hit. I can see for kilometers and kilometers and kilometers. It's not as good. Boniface said she prepaid about a thousand dollars to rent the car. Yep. While waiting to board her flight she said she checked her credit card statement online to make sure the charge had been processed correctly. I have so much stress about this. I I have no idea what they charge her, but I'm mad. Like now I'm stressing about the call she has to make to get the notice. This charge from Avis Boniface. They told CTV news,

CTV news, by the way, good luck getting through to someone. How much do you guys think they overcharged her? It was a mistake. It has to be a mistake. Yeah. But now you gotta deal with it. Three, $3,200. Okay. Is over. From Jason. 15 grand.

15 grand? Yeah, I was gonna say like $5,700. Whatever it was like. She spent a thousand. She was like, I'll pay a thousand, but. She noticed that the charge from Avis on her credit card statement online was for $8,000. Wow, dude.

I know. I feel like you're close. Randy was close. Yes. She said she then looked at her receipt from Avis and noticed the company had charged her for driving how many miles? Miles or kilometers? I converted it. Okay. Thank God. I know. For $8,000 that's like $7,000 over what her allotment would have been. Sure. I guess. I mean, I think they, every time I run a car it's unlimited. It's charged for doing like 4,000 miles driving. See, let me think. I'd say 11,000 miles.

This is where my lack of driving really hit my heart. And I bet it's going to make you a winner. You have a better car. I'm thinking $0.40 a mile, so maybe I'm going to say $13,000. I mean, I'm taking it. If you guys hadn't said a number first, God knows what it would have said. I want you to say whatever your heart feels, John Mark.

What was the first thing to come to you? The first thing to come to me was $75,000. Do it. You may be right dude ride that real Watch it be seven I said four thousand five hundred twenty five thousand four ten and what did you say? Charge her for driving seventy one. I'm joking they charge her for driving twenty, I'm joking. They charged her for driving 22,370 miles. You were not that far off. I said 13, I said 13. You were in the right direction.

He knew where he wanted to go. God damn. Monofase said she would have to drive for 72 hours straight at approximately 500 kilometers for this to be possible. I love that she's such a nerd. She's like, do you wanna know the math on this? I'm that. She's such a nerd. She's like Yeah, the math I'm doing the math by the way the bitches I'll do the math how many kilometers is 22,000 miles?

Aaron they gave it to me. I mean I can find is it I have it listen closer to 70,000 It's probably like what the conversion for 36,000 36. Yes, dude. He was there Yeah, he's getting ready to turn. Yeah, I'm giving you credit, but that idea that is insane It's a clearly a clerical error and once you catch a bus in this you then start to Asking for thing right. He also said it's approximately the same distance as driving from Toronto to South Africa three times Yeah, did I do did I do that in your car? Here's a classic road trip. Here's what I alluded to I one time rented a car from Midway airport Enterprise

Unless they want to sponsor will cut the sale bull bride and I noticed on the side of the car There was damage. It was like one of the only ones they had left I think it was a truck and I do the walk around yes market was a truck, and I needed a truck That's why and so I we do the walk around, there's damage. So the woman takes a photo of it and I figure I'm gonna too. And so I take a photo of it. I had to return at like a 430 a.m. or 5 a.m. drop off, which is early drop off, you leave the key. So I do that. I land here at LAX and they're like, and they're like, you owe $6,000. Yeah. And so, so mad if I get that. So I call, they're about to say this in this story too. God help you. If you ever try to call an actual rental car office. I told you. They set this up so that you will give up. You'll be like, trying to reach a person

is harder than just paying $5,000. So I finally get through to like an enterprise like corporate representative, damage person, whatever. And I notice in my photo, you can see, I caught a piece of her taking a photo as well. Oh yes. Which is even better. Not only do I have a time stamp, I go, this is her taking the photo that I'm also taking.

This is your work. And the woman said to me, she goes, you know, for some reason she didn't document it when you checked it out, and then obviously they caught it when you checked in. And she's like, you taking this photo is the is saving us both but more importantly you she said to me all this money about two months great of like getting this sorted out pro tip if there is damage take a photo of the person walk around at once with that camera with your camera just walk around at once with the camera i mean and show the person you'll do this the next time you rent a car. Oh, I've had it with luggage.

One time the wheels were all broken off. And I said, did you take a picture of the luggage before you left? And I said, you want me to take a picture of my luggage at the airport? Just like, oh, here's how it's looking today. Hang on a second. Ma'am, can you hold it up?

Actually, I don't like it. Babe, babe, babe, we're late for the airport. Hold on, I'm taking two more pictures. I want to do it in portrait. I want to do it in portrait. Let me get the wheels. You need someone taking a picture of you, taking a picture of her. I know.

Do a full thing. You need the place safe. You've got to inception your documentation. It's like an MC Escher drawing. Damn. The first thing I wanted to do was actually go back through security and just talk to and walk to the counter, she said, but I wouldn't have had time to do that

because security lines were really long. Instead, she tried calling Avis locations at the airport, but no one would answer the phone. It was just ringing and ringing and no one was answering. It was really frustrating just trying to get to somebody. Bonaface. She called Avis through their general number, but still had issues sorting out the problem. She said she was disconnected twice while trying to speak with an Avis manager and eventually had to board her flight. Okay. I would be losing my ship. I would contemplate missing my flight to Europe

and taking a later one. I literally would contemplate it. So now you've got to like, did you want to be dealing with this when you're by the Wi-Fi and charge you to it? If I could get American or British Airways, whatever it is, if I could get them to go, we'll put you on the next flight, I would go, done.

And I would march my ass. You know what's been happening to me recently where you can leave a number and they call you back? Yes. So they call you back. In the allotted time. Hold music. Yeah.

And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. You called me. You called me back. Don't put me on it. You called me back. That's my favorite moment. It's like when reps or executives call you and they go, please hold for, and I'm like, you called me?

Yeah. Isn't that from Bojack's co- horse. And that's my favorite moment. Oh, what's his agent's name? I don't remember. Carolyn. Princess Carolyn. I have Princess Carolyn for you. And he's like, Oh great. And she's like, let me see if I can get her. That is so fun. So like now, if you're in Europe and dealing with this, you're at like the Trevi Fountain, or you're at like, I don't know if you're in Europe.

Right, or you've had to shelve this, which you really can't do. And you're on the phone while people are trying to enjoy the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and you're like, don't hang up on me, do not hang up on me. You're having your call while they're there. It's like, ugh. Do you like no-hold music,

and you're nervous you got disconnected? That's not good, I want a little bit of hold music. But I hate the check-in, hi, we care about all of you. Oh, yeah. like no hold music and you're nervous you got disconnected? That's not good. I want a little bit of hold music. I hate the check in. Hi, we care about all of you. Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to hear this message again.

No. And when you start to know the hold music is when you get really mad. If someone recorded the way I behaved on some of those calls, I think it would be the end of me. It would be your cancellation? I mean, because I don't know. They are recorded for quality of sound. Because it's the only way to get it done sometimes. Yeah. It would be your cancellation. I mean, cause I don't know. They are recorded for quality of set.

Because it's the only way to get it done sometimes. Yeah, here's what I always say. Here's what I always say. It's not your fault, ma'am or sir. I'm not blaming you. I'm just really mad. So I'm gonna tell you right now, you're gonna hear my emotion and anger,

but I just want you to know, I'm not mad at you. And I trust that you're gonna help me out with this, but I hate this company and I hate these people. I want it all to burn to the ground. And then you know what? If they come back at me with like, well you being mad isn't my problem. Or like any sort of... Has anybody ever done that?

Yeah, there's no way. But you get somebody who's obviously gonna also be rude. I go, can I speak to anybody else? Or I just hang up, start the process all over again. After arriving in Paris, she called Visa to dispute the transaction. Forget Paris. But there's nothing they could do since it was still listed as pending. She said it wasn't until days later

when media got involved and she got a call back from Avis notifying her the extra charges would be refunded. She said she understands companies make mistakes but doesn't like the ordeal was handled. Yeah, me either. That's the worry, because I don't like it when comics go on Twitter and complain, but sometimes it's the only way to do it. But I hate my feed as like, American Airlines, ba-ba-ba, and you're like, shut up.

But then that's the only way to get it done. Gotta get it done and get some heat on them. Get some of that Twitter heat on them. Overall, it's not good customer service. That's what my PR person is for, just to call airlines and be like, we're going to do a piece on you. And it's not going to be a puff piece. Overall, it was not good customer service, adding that the ordeal put unnecessary stress on her while traveling John Marco

So razy the wheels really came off on that one the most frustrating thing was nice. That was perfect Getting through the customer service in any kind of timely way See I bet she was nice about I bet she did your tactic. I'm not mad at you Well at some point I got it misdone immediately. Well, at some point, she got media involved. She got media involved. That's how it got resolved. So she did eventually go.

How do you get the media? I don't know. If it were one of those like, Cincinnati-type news stations that are a second tier market. Shout out Cincinnati. And they're like, they do those like, we care for you. Have you been wrong? I'm promoting my comedy dates, and then they're like, next up, we, we care for you. Have you been wrong? I'm promoting my comedy dates and then they're like, next up we got a lady who is mad at.

Lady who's been overcharged by Avis. I'd be riveted. I'd be like, please let me stay for this next seven. I would actually watch it. My wife can get good things out of situations like this. She'd be able to be like, okay, so what are you gonna do for us? Let's sit on this phone right now

and figure out how you're gonna compensate us for what you did. She should offer that as services to other people. She should, she's really good at it. So if you don't want to handle this, you can pay me a lot of money and I will handle it. So that's what she says, she says, let's figure out a way to make this right. So now that we've solved the problem, you also create a lot of problems and stress for us, so we're gonna now figure out how you're gonna make it right for us.

Good for her. And hotels, things like that, we're upgraded to levels. I don't go to that full-knots, I just go, this was a real mess. No, she's like, I'm not getting off the phone until we have the upgrade, until I have a Hertz rental car for life, until I have this, this. That's why all the cars say Hertz on the side of it. They deal with it. It's fine. It's free.

In a segment we like to call Hertz. Don't it? Don't it? Hertz? That's a show, friends. Hertz so good. There you go. That's a show.

It's Dumb People Town. Crushed. That's buddy. Check out John Marco wherever he is. He's out touring. Go see him. JohnMarco.Sarazi.com? Yeah, JohnMarcoSarazi.com.

And I think I just bought JewishItishitaliancomedian.com. Hey. It was available. You get it. One cent. Hey! What am I not going to take? It was available.

It was available. I love it. There you go. That is the show. And guys, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. And oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Don people's town.