Dumb People Town - Greg Barris - Couscous Ragu

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

A boy get carried away while paying with magnets

Skypains Avenue Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Band jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of

Dumb People Town Population you Population Barris Greg Barris That's right The a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Barris. Greg Barris. That's right. The Greg Barrent of comedy. That's right.

The John Barris of comedy. The Don Barris of Chuck Barrises. Dude, it is so nice to have you on. We are fans of your standup and fans of you as a person, and now we get to have you on the show. Oh, my pleasure. It's good to be here. I asked you what you wanted us to promote, and you were like, my Venmo. That's right. Because you have a new show on Venmo, promote, and you were like, my Venmo. Is that right?

Because you have a new show on Venmo, right? I have a hot show on Venmo. How can people find out about it? Venmo me. Okay. Venmo you some money, and then you'll get a whole breakdown of the show. This feels like a pyramid scheme. It's like a virtual pyramid.

It's the new $20,000 pyramid. It's on Venmo. You're the new host of the $20,000 Venmo pyramid. I am. Check it out on Venmo. How does Venmo not do the $20,000?mo pyramid. I am. Check it out on Venmo. How does Venmo not do the $20,000? The new $20,000 pyramid is sponsored by Venmo. Oh, and they just give away money all day long.

All day long. They're like, what's your Venmo? And you're like, don't say it out loud. And the prize money's already in your account. Check your account. It's already there. How do you like it? That was our joke in San Francisco.

It's become so technologically advanced. That we saw a homeless guy trying to Venmo a pigeon some crumbs. He said, check your stomach. They should be there. The crumbs should be in there. And the pigeon should have access to Venmo a pigeon some crumbs. He said, check your stomach. They should be there. The crumbs should be in there. And the pigeon should have access to Venmo. Yes. Thank you.

Thank you. Pigeons have smartphones. Hi, Dan. How are you? Good to see you, buddy. One of the reasons, aside from him being hilarious, why Greg Barris is uniquely positioned to be on this show. Is that his life took him to, for a couple of years, you lived in Central Florida. By a couple, you mean decades, right?

Something like, you know, 18 years. How did you survive it? It's just, did you see a lot of dumb shit going on? It's mostly dumb shit down there. But, you know, we did a lot of water skiing. That's how we did it. You water skied the dumb away. I water skied my way right over the dumb.

They call that the sport of Jesus. That's true. Get on that water and do your dancing, man. Do your water dance. You kind of are like a comedy Jesus. Thank you. Do people say that to you? I get stuff like that.

How old are you? Whoa. Can I ask? How old are you? Take off your shirt, man. Let's see how old you are. How old are you? Cut the rings around his finger.

37. 37. Wow. I can't believe I said it. You are like Commedia's. You should have died four years ago. All right. That's how I felt. Right.

He dies on stage every night, right? Every single night, the same time Jesus did. Well, the world is getting dumber, and you know, because you lived in Central Florida for decades, almost two. We got a story on this show. Yeah, Dan, we got a story sent to us by our wonderful fans. We don't know the story. You don't know the story.

Dan barely knows the story. Excited. Let's go through it together and try and see if we can't make the world, make fun of the dumb and make the world a better place. You ready? Yes. This was sent in by Catherine Tuck at Catherine Lorna. This gal sends in a lot and she's awesome. The Tuck rule. She sends in great stories and usually

she's first to do it. Okay, you ready? Yes. This is a tough one. A teenager had to have surgery to remove magnetic balls from his bladder three months after he put them

up his penis. Up his penis! Jade, what was the thing in the Amazon rainforest, the parasite that could... So there is the fear when I the thing in the Amazon rainforest, the parasite that could go? So there is the fear when I've been in the Amazon and I refuse to pee into the Amazon River because of this reason. Because as you pee in, there is a parasite. I don't know if this is true or not, that swims up your pee stream and into your penis.

And it's got spikes. Yep, it is. And then you can't be taken out because it's hooked. How do you know about it? It's from that movie with Sean Connery where he's like, I think it's called Medicine Man, where he's down there in the ants and then they forest fire. And he's like the little kid. He's like, don't pee in the water.

That was it. That was a good Connery. Thank you. Don't pee in the water. You're the man now, dog. You're the man now, dog. Don't pee in the water. So anyway, that's the fear. the man now dog you're the man now dog don't pee in the water so anyway

that's the fear I've never in my life even dreamed of sticking metal balls into my penis although I did have one of the worst

kidney stones known to man it got impacted in my ureter wall so they had to do surgery there's only one way to go in on its SATs

that's how intense this thing was so it went in they have to go there's only one way to go in. 1,300 on its SATs. That's how intense this thing was. So it went in. They have to go in. There's only one way to go in. They went in to surgery, scraped it out. Scraped. Then they had to... Anytime a doctor is telling you we're going to have to scrape anything,

anything on you. Then they had to put in a stent for seven days. The stent was worse almost than the kidney stone because when you pee, what you realize is when you're done peeing, you contract to pull up whatever's left. But when you contracted, the stent wouldn't work. And there's a stent blocking it. It wouldn't allow it. It was so painful. So I basically

tried not to pee for seven days. And whenever I did, it was the most painful thing in the world. And seven nights. David Blaine over here. Right? And then I go back to the doctor and they're like, we're going to take the stent out. And I'm in an office. I'm not in a surgical center. You're in a lounge. You were in a Holiday Inn lounge.

You see the guys like kids on his desk. I was at UCB Franklin. It's weird. It's weird. And there's a woman who I'm like, do I know you? Or am I about to get to really know you? Really? She pulls out.

She's like, you want to watch it on TV? And she's on a screen right next to me. Meaning, don't look at this. Right. There's like a sheet over she's i'm like how quick is this going to be and she's like well if we hook it the first time then i'm like if we do what there should be no like guesswork in this like you should just know and she hooks in through your wang and then pulls out this like seven inch thing and it's

then pulls out this like seven inch thing and it's super painful for a brief second and then it's total relief and i knew it was coming the anticipation of it made me really really sick and made me feel horrible and then it came out and i felt fine i can't imagine willingly put pushing balls up the other direction well you're not into it. Greg? This whole story is traumatizing. This kid to me is this teenager's dumb. But you know, there is a sex act called sounding. I was going to talk about sounding. You were. You know what? Take it away, sir.

This is sounding right here. You go to a professional and they have like a rod that's like this. And they go. And they start out small. Into your penis. Into it. And the gauges get bigger. Yeah.

To open it up. To open it up. To open it up and it gets down. And then they even have some sounding rods. And your fist is your penis. My fist is my penis. It's also the name of my album coming out. My fist is my penis. It's great. On Venmo.

You're releasing it on Venmo. Slash fist is my penis. Wait. Fist is my penis is the best Bruce Lee movie that never got me. Is this how the Seattle Sounders got named as a soccer organization? It's called sounding. Their billionaire owner was really into sound. Hey, look, he's extravagant.

What do you want? At least he died doing what he loved. The curious teenager whose name I'm not going to say. Why even say the kid's name? He's a teenager, but still. Suffered intense abdominal pain, but was too embarrassed to tell his parents about it. I get it.

That's what I tell my kids. Always be honest with me. I will go much lighter on you if you are 100% honest with everything. I'm telling you, I'm giving you the key to your- If you lie and I find out that you lied, it's a million times worse. So always- If you lied about's a million times worse so always

if you lied about magnets in your penis that's right you know you know i just know that we were going to the metal detector but can this be the next old town road i got the magnets in my penis you too i mean there's enough remixes you guys might as well make one. Can't nobody tell me nothing. However, it, that would be magnetic balls in a penis. I got a magnet in my penis. Got too agonizing for him and he was forced to see medical attention. He was treated at the hospital in

Northwest China after being admitted on May 11th. X-rays revealed that the magnetic beads had formed a tight cluster, meaning he had to go under the knife. I'm going to ask you guys now. So this is in China? Yes.

Okay. So this is the moment where you do say to yourself, all right, maybe the iPad's not a horrible thing if my kid's obsessed with like four screen time. If he's playing Fortnite, then he's not sticking magnets up your penis. Is Fortnite still a thing? It's on its way out, Mom. Yeah, you can tell. You can tell.

Do you play video games? No. No. Okay. I'm going to ask you guys now. Good answer. Good answer. Way to be defended.

How many magnetic balls do you think this kid put in his penis? Greg, you can go first in on the guess. You can guess between us, which is the Tig Notaro slot. So first Tig or third. I'll do a Tig. Okay, Jay, go ahead. can go first and on the guess you can guess between us which is the tignitaro slot so first tig or a third i'll do a tig okay jay go ahead i'm gonna say it's got to be more than two so we know it's balls so i'm gonna say i gave you a cluster i told you a cluster okay six is a cluster for me okay all right greg greg 36 yeah which is in the Jewish religion, that's a double high. And 36, that's a latchkey kid. Yep.

That is a kid with time. 36 is a whole afternoon, right? 36 is mom and dad aren't coming home for work for five hours. 36 is you microwave your own dinner. That's a teenager that didn't get a car on his 16th birthday, so he's taking it back. That's a guy who can't go through a metal detector at the airport. I was going to say six and three is nine. We know the rest. I'm going to say

he had 59 balls up in his thing. 59? A cluster of 59. The total of magnetic balls put into his ureth is 29. Wow. Great. Nice job.

Thank you. Here is an x-ray that you guys can look at. That is Great. Nice job. Thank you. Thank you. Here is an x-ray that you guys can look at. That is a cluster of balls. That is a cluster of magnets. Does he say... Wait, wait, wait.

Now look at the x-ray. Does the x-ray not make it... The balls makes it look like a mouth and the thing... Doesn't that look like a face? It does look like a face. Smiling. That's the face of death.

It probably felt like it. Did he say why he did it to begin with besides curiosity? Urologist Zhang Yanyan said roughly three months ago while he was playing with magnetic balls, he lined them up in a row and inserted them up his urethra out of curiosity. And I'm sure he pulled those right off the carpet. They weren't sitting in alcohol. They weren't sterilizing as he was preparing. These were off his father's desk.

I took my father's penis balls. I shoved them up my ass. How'd you learn how to do it, son? I learned it from you, Dad. All right. Benoit balls. By the time he felt discomfort and tried to pull them out again, the magnets separated and some remained inside his urethra.

So we would send one up and magnetize it on down. Two options. First option. Do you want to see what it looked like when they came out? If you do or don't, let's also ask, should I put this picture on the

Facebook page? Don't put it on the page. You can go down the hole if you want to go down the hole. Or down the urethra. You can go down the urethra if you want to go down the urethra. Do you remember Goetze? Do you remember Goetze? You're too young for that.

Goetze was at the beginning of the internet. Lan, do you remember it? Goetze. Okay, you guys are too young. So early on, this is one of the first... I should have brought this up before, and I've already forgotten. Viral photos. Dan, just look at... No, I don't want to. I know it's bad. That's all I remember from the last time

you brought this up. So Gossi was a guy whose anus... He's probably like a protracted anus. No, no, no. Prolapse. No, no. He opened it up probably like I want to say it was like this. Like Brett Favre could throw a football and like Tom Brady could... A loose spiral. You could hike a football. Like Tom Brady could. A loose spiral.

You could hike a football through there. Don't look it up. Everyone listening to this, there are descriptions enough for your soul. So it was so surprising and horrific. There then was a series of photos that also went viral of people's reactions to seeing Goethe for the first time. I have not seen Goethe, but I've seen people's reactions to seeing Goetze for the first time.

I have not seen Goetze, but I've seen people's reactions to it. Good for you. Have you seen it? I've seen Goetze, and I've seen people's reactions. Neither. I'm out for both. Me too. I can live my life.

If you want to watch me watch people watch Goetze, Venmo me. Venmo him at Venmo.com slash Venmo. Okay, you ready? Greg Bears. I'm going to show you guys what they took out. Remember. So this is not his penis. This is just what came out.

They had to go in. They cut his ass open. Can I choose not to look? Of course. I'm going to go not look. I'm going to go not look. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I'm glad I'm not looking. I'm haunted by so much already. I know. I would never look if you gave me the option, Greg, we're done. You don't have to look. We're done? All right. It looks like a couscous ragu.

Yeah. It looks like a big, gross raspberry. Couscous ragu could be like a name of an indie rock band. Middle Eastern band? Middle Eastern indie rock band. That's a follow-up to, what was it? Penis Fist? My Fist is My Penis?

My Fist is My Penis. Well, that's their first album. So during this time, that would be three months he went with this in him. He didn't tell his parents because he's too embarrassed, but he admitted to experiencing abdominal pains over the course of the three months. Why is he sticking to the refrigerator? He thought he could expel through urinating, not knowing that it would not have been possible to do so. That's why you tell people when you're in trouble, because sometimes

even the thing you think is going to solve it will not help. This is the kind of story we need, to have awareness, so other people, if you're out there with balls in your penis that are not supposed to be there and you're ashamed about it, talk to someone. His parents

only discovered three months later when they noticed him walking with a limp and questioned him about it. Son. You've got some sort of World War II limp going on. Do you have rickets? Put the remote down. I am trying to.

It's just stuck to my bladder. Why can you not take your belt buckle off? It's not even looped. No, it's just stuck to my bladder. Right. Why can you not take your belt buckle off? It's not even looped. No, it's just hanging there. Every time you get by the TV, it does this weird thing. It was static. Why do you insist on- Are we not getting good reception?

Go up and check the dish, honey. I asked you to take your dish to the sink, not crip walk all over our kitchen. We were unable to remove them in microsurgery, so we opened up his bladder and removed them, the entire cluster of magnetic balls, all 29 of them. By the way, what do you do with those? I mean, is that an art project? He can't have access to them anymore. He can't get them back.

No, he's lost his magnetic ball privileges. Right. I'm going to take my magnetic balls and go home. The teenager is recovering well after surgery and has already been discharged to continue his recuperation at home. That was his problem. He couldn't discharge early. Now he can. I can't stop discharging.

Go call? Yes. You can't stop discharging. Let's take a break before we show this picture. And when we come back, Dan is going to show us the 2019 Goats. And you will see our reaction. Oh, my God. 2019 Goats. And you'll hear it just stay with us we're with greg barris we'll be right back stick around make a sound there's more don't people tell

all right welcome back to the show uh we're here with greg barris he's got a brand new show that we're developing with him right now on Venmo. On Venmo. Very excited. It's called the $25,000 Pyramid. Right? On Venmo. The $25,000 Pyramid Scheme would be an unbelievable show.

Can we please do the $25,000 Pyramid Scheme? Dear Venmo, can we please do the $25,000 Pyramid Scheme? Tweet it. You get five people to Venmo. You get five people. You get five people to Venmo. And before you know it, you have Venmoed me $25,000. We bring Dick Clark back to life.

Speaking of Dick Clark, we got to see this picture. Okay. Ready? The teenager is recovering well after surgery and has already been discharged to continue his recuperation at home. So what do you do if you are that parent to that kid? I mean, do you think the kid knows he screwed up? He has to. He has to go to therapy for a while, right?

You've got to be like, okay, we're putting the kid in a couple types of therapy. No society places more of a premium on therapy than China. Yes. No society wants you to do the mental work more than China. At all. And then everybody in the community knows that your son was a kid who had to have his bladder cut open. Good old penis balls.

They said that teenagers, just like children, need proper guidance and education from their parents. So they're now putting this on the parents. I mean... They are putting this on the parents. Wouldn't you put it on yourself? You think this guy is traumatized by that game where you have to like turn the sides and then that little ball rolls around i thought you were gonna ask if he called his penis hungry hungry hippo oh no his penis is like pac-man when you think about it it is very pac-man he ate a lot

of those pellets it was tough is that what's happening to Pac-Man? How does he release the palace? Is that racist, Randy, that Pac-Man's yellow? That you would say that? Problematic Let's walk that back I'll walk it back a little bit Ms. Pac-Man There we go

That's our Friday episode story, buddies I'm sorry we put that upon you people Well, if you're on the Facebook page You can go down this rabbit hole at your page it you can go down this rabbit hole at your own caution you can go down this penis there you go i'm sorry have you ever done anything so crazy like that what's the craziest thing you've done what's the craziest thing you've done physically to yourself craziest physical thing i can barefoot ski you can't i mean maybe now it's crazy you don't know what's in that

Florida water? They're gators. Alligators all over the place. I used to have a reoccurring nightmare of me being in the water with an alligator. Are you serious? In my underwear. Did it ever happen? Like, for real? All the time you were in the water. I mean, every time you were in the water, there's like 50,000 in there. For real? For real, dude. Look it up. Chain of Lakes. Largest

interconnected lake system in the world. Is that something to be proud of is that something you can brag about is that something you can brag about that's what we've got you've never done

just like absolutely have you done anything that like never mutilated my body no drugs any crazy weird drug that you're like why did I try that

I mean why did I try it I guess I mean you've been to Burning Man I've been to Burning Man going to Burning Man again but is that mutilating my body what's your name guys I don't know if you know but I've been to Burning Man. I've been to Burning Man. Going to Burning Man again, but is that mutilating my body?

What's your name? Guys, I don't know if you know, but I've been to Burning Man. Oh, we never heard that. Have I mentioned that? Tell us more. We're doing a show at Burning Man together this year. Stop. So what was your client name at Burning Man?

I think it was just Greg. Yeah, that's pretty good. Is that cool? No, that's not cool enough. You know Randy's, right? Hot clip. Hot clip? Because I hot clipped my daughter's hair.

Wow. Did you do, you did stand up there or you're going to do stand up? We're doing a show there this year. Moshe Kasher. Don't rope me into it. Randy, are you going again? Randy Sklar. I am going again.

I went last year. I don't know, did I tell you guys I went last year? Yeah, I think I am going again this year because it was fun. I want to hang with you up there. How can we not do a show? What's the weirdest thing you saw at Burning Man? The orgy tent? Oh, I saw to hang with you up there. How can we not do a show? What's the weirdest thing you saw at Burning Man? The orgy tent? Oh, I saw a Berka shirt cocker

and their heels were on fire. How's that? What? Boom. A Berka shirt cocker? Duo. I don't know what that means. I don't even know what that is.

Do we know what shirt cocking is? No. It's when you just wear a t-shirt. Oh, Donald Duck in it. Donald Duck in it. Okay. On the playa, it's called shirt cocking.? No. It's when you just wear a t-shirt. Oh, Donald Duck in it. Donald Duck in it. Okay. Well, on the playa, it's called shirt cocking. Okay.

So there's a lot of professional baseball mascoting it. Okay. We got that. Full desert burqa gear with boots that were on fire, but the burqa stopped right up top. By the way, the burqa stops here. The burqa stops here. Another show on Venmo. Saudi Arabian game show on Venmo way, the burka stops here. The burka stops here. Another show on Venmo. Saudi Arabian game show on Venmo.

The burka stops here. Can we please do that? Yeah, you got it. That is crazy. Your feet are on fire. And the burka is on fire. And your balls are in the wind. That is pretty crazy.

You see that and you're like, I'm at Burning Man. That's the new normal. That is the new normal. Those people could have magnets up their penises. They probably do all the time. I got the magnet in my penis. I'm going to stop doing it right now. He is Greg Barris.

You are followable on... All the platforms. All the platforms. At Greg Barris. Everywhere. Everywhere. Instagram, Venmo, Twitter. TikTok.

TikTok. TikTok. TikTok. No, you don't do TikTok. I wish you did. I got an early Kibbe verified account oh look at that thank you appreciate it own it isn't kibbe like uh isn't that like a korean meat it's a lot of things thank you all right there's our show you guys greg barris and oh shit we gotta get back to work.