Dumb People Town - Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola - The Word Is Poop

Episode Date: June 29, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by Greg Behrendt and Amiira Ruotola (Maybe It's You) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a rogue pooper is caught in the act by a neighborhood sting operation.

Thank you. So listen to our podcast band With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Under Down is Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town

Population 2 Population Greg and Amira. What's up, you guys? Thank you so much for coming to the show. We love you guys. We're excited about this. And you guys have an awesome podcast on this network as well. We do.

Tell the people, damn it. We're cursing already. Stop cursing at Amira. I'm going to yell at your wife, Greg. That relationship needs a little... Help. A healing. It's a relationship...

It's a marriage relationship... Behavior podcast. It's called Maybe It's You. Yeah. And mostly it's Greg. I'm not going to lie about it. Maybe. It feels accurate.

Not to be that girl, but... It feels super accurate. Yeah, we're going to... Maybe is your way of letting him down. Maybe it's you. Why is maybe in quotes and why is Greg in parentheses at the end of that? Here's the smart thing. Let's not take a poll about who's mean because we could.

I love maybe it's you because you're trying to infer what really happened in a situation. That's right. That is the skill that is uniquely designed and what we need to do in these stories. We get dumb stories sent to us by our dumb ears on the ground. Right. And we love them. And Dan processes them for us. But then we're all-

Jay, did you know Dan- I'm still processing a lot of them. Dan is still processing them. Jay, did you know Dan Van Kirk is here? Dan Van Kirk is here! Hi, Dan. Well, Dan processes it and then we try to process it and we're saying maybe it's who? Maybe it's who.

This is our maybe it's who episode i like it dumb people town so dan do we have a story sent to us let's see let's see who it is okay this was sent in by joe latrell at the gentleman joe joe latrulio yeah of uh joe latrells also if you give yourself that handle like you better there's always that great thing of being like person like a person's handle and bio completely contradicting the way they act on the internet. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, like a gentleman Joe. Oh, he just told a nun to fuck off. Right. Exactly. Come on, gentleman Joe.

Yeah. Uh, this has happened many times in Dumb People Town. I'm sure you guys have heard about it happening in the world. It's happened again. There's another person pooping where they shouldn't. Oh, man. Oh, my God. That happened to me last night.

What? You pooped where you shouldn't have? I shit my pants last night. Oh, no. Where? Well, to back up, he has a colonoscopy tomorrow, so he had to start the prep. The prep is... You started two days early?

They gave me the bicarbonate thing. It gave me... But I thought it was a gas bubble. It turned out no. It was the middle of the night, and I was sleeping, and I used my daughter's bathroom, so I was downstairs, and somehow there was shit all over her door. You didn't

shit the bed. You shit your daughter's bathroom. I shit my daughter's door. And there was no way it was a dog. We couldn't even pull it off on the dog. you shit you didn't shit the bed you shit your daughter's bathroom I shit my daughter's door the bathroom door you shit the door and there was no way it was a dog like we couldn't even pull it off on the dog I had to

like I literally did not want to go downstairs it's like an episode of the staircase it's Jesus Christ yeah now I get a what is all this shit on the wall

I got panicked I panicked mom mom mom can you come in here mom and I came in

she's like what is that what, what is that? What happened? What is that? And Greg just kept saying over and over, I loved my wife. She's still alive. Maybe it's me. Maybe it is me. I thought it was a dog. I was like, it was a dog, right? And she's like, how was the dog? I know it was me. I went into the bathroom with shitty underwear. Then I did a little shit and turned on the dog.

And the weird thing was I changed the toilet paper roll so that I did everything except look behind me. The moral of the story is always check the doorknob. And also, maybe it's you. Maybe it's you. Well, we've had stories of, like, a jogger hitting, like, entire neighborhoods outside of Denver. We had the superintendent that was shitting on a rival high school's, like, track and field. Yeah. Just over and over.

You know, the way you would want your superintendent to. Sure. In fact, it's happening so much in Dumb People Town. Why did we call it a pooper-intendant? We should have. I thought we did. Did we? That's on us. Sure. In fact, it's happening so much in Dumb People Town. Why did we call it a pooper-intendant? We should have. I thought we did. Did we? That's on us. Okay. Maybe it's us. It's happening enough that this is how this article starts.

It's a story as old as time. What? This is not a Disney movie. That's amazing. It's like the start to Mulan. You know how they say when you one way of saying it, you're Poulan? Don't. With a thumbs up.

Listen, you know how they say when you poop it is like you're growing a tail? So it is a T-A-I-L as old as time. A man was taking poops where he wasn't supposed to and his neighbors have caught him in an elaborate sting operation

by hiding in the bushes with a camera. Is that very elaborate? It doesn't feel that elaborate. It feels just like hiding. What? I mean, I don't know. With your phone. It's hiding with your phone.

If they turned into trees or they'd bend grass. If they all made ghillie suits together. Yeah, yeah. That's elaborate. It's barely a sting. Did anyone have any part of a bush on top of their head? That to me then bumps it up because now you've got costumes.

Are walkie-talkies even involved? Are two guys in an unmarked van across the street eating Chinese food overnight? That's not elaborate. Is it exactly like when someone's wearing a wire but you have to wait for them to ask for the drugs? So you're like, he has to shit.

He's squatting. I know, but he has to. He has to shit. Money. We have to see shit. Don't move. I want to go. Don't go.

Don't go. Wait for my word. Wait for my word. Wait for my word. Wait. The word is poop. The word is poop. If you're getting elaborate, you have to have code names.

Yes. Oh my God. Yes, of course. And an operation name. Yes. Of course you need to have code names. Yes! Oh, my God. Yes, of course. And an operation name. Yes. Of course you need to have an operation name. Someone in a truck is going to trigger happy.

I'm coming in now. No! You're going to blow it! Oh, my God. You need to have a Native American there as your wind talker. Yes. That's elaborate. You're sending signals through another way.

Yeah, but he's good because he knows what's happening. He probably smells like, that's not the right guy. That's not the right guy. He's not the right guy. Put the gun down! That's not the right guy. It's not the right guy. It's not the right guy. Put the gun down. That's not the poop we're looking for. Right, right. You got a guy on hose.

Everybody has to have hand signals that everybody interprets differently. Yeah. The two fingers up together. That's your shooter? Is the hose guy? You got a, yeah, he's your sniper? Hose before bros. Hiding in the bushes with a camera.

Oh, my God. Is that Carol dressed as an orange? Carol, we can all see you. That was before, bro. Hiding in the bushes with a camera. Oh, my God. Is that Carol dressed as an orange? Carol, we can all see you. That's a terrible costume. I'm a sunset. Carol, you're not small and round. You're just sitting in a tree. No orange is that big.

You look like the mascot for the Syracuse basketball team. Oh, Carol. I'm blending in, Dave. I almost took a shit when I saw her. What the fuck? Holy shit. The alleged pooper in question is Brisbane resident Andrew Douglas McIntosh. So this is happening in Australia.

Is it? Or Brisbane, San Francisco? No, it is Australia. ADM, if you're nasty. Who is a national quality manager at a big-time Australian retirement village company and also a member of the Brisbane City Council Board. Stop!

Dude. Maybe this guy's into the old people's prunes and he can't control himself at this point. He's more regular than he needs to be. Yeah, that's right. Neighbors in his Greenslopes neighborhood recently noticed a flurry of public poops on sidewalks and other street-ad street adjacent areas. He's elaborate.

Flurry with a word? Maybe he just doesn't like it. Maybe he's like me. I have a house full of girls. I don't like taking a shit at home. I have a house full of girls too. I'm right there with you, man. I want a fucking outhouse. I want them to never know or I'm going to shit on their door.

That's one of them. Shitting on your door is biblical. You shit on the door, that means that the angel of death will pass over that bathroom. Will spare your firstborn. But when you guys are sharing a room with a friend or a significant other, you do the hotel lobby dump. All the time. Yes, you have to be a decent person. So maybe this guy's just trying to escape.

Just trying to get to the hotel. I'm going to go downstairs and make sure they give us extra towels. That's the code. It took you a really long time. Well, there was no one at the front desk, and then I was talking to the concierge for a while, and I obliterated whatever their bathroom was. And do we know if he's actually taking the dumps on the locations versus transporting? Like takeout from home.

What do we got? You think he's bringing in Tupperware? I'm wondering. We're going to answer that. One resident, Steve Smith, says his place was, quote, getting hit frequently. Oh, man. Carpet bombs. On those three words alone, he's a

guy who talks too loud. We're getting hit frequently. The microphone will amplify your voice, Steve. No, I hear you. But we are getting hit daily. And you can edit if you want, but I'm fucking tired of it.

Hey, whoa, whoa, man. This is a newscast. You can't say that. I set up an elaborate ruse for this sumbitch. You're yelling at me. I'm right next to you. Steve, we could all... I'm an expat, and I live here, and I'm sick of getting hit. All right. Steve. Steve.

Steve's the type of guy you're like, well, what time do you think you were last hit? And he does everything in military time. All 700 hours. About 20 of. 20 of what? About 23 of. Like it's past the time. It's like the people who say their kid's like 39 months old. It's like about 23 of. It's like the people who say their kid's like 39 months old. It's like, what, 23 of?

It's three. So it seemed that the regularity of the poops, as well as the presence of toilet paper, indicated, so he's going there, a high likelihood of premeditation. The toilet paper is making him feel. Sure. So they've gone elaborate, at least in their travel into the person's psyche. Sure, sure. So he did what any of us would have done.

Well, he also wants to separate himself from, if you're going to do this thing, you're going to separate yourself from the animal. That's right. Well, yeah, the calling card. The calling card. That is calling card? Yeah. Oh, my God. He's the wiper.

He's the little, he's the wiper. He's not just the pooper, he's the wiper. He's the wiper. American wiper. Oh, he's American wiper. He's Australian. He's Australian wiper. Australian wiper is the American sniper of movies.

So, he, Steve Smith. We're getting hit way too much. That's my favorite fucking guy. I love that guy. Honey! Honey! I'm right next to you, Steve. Bring my camera here.

Guys, it's too much. Steve, do we get hit again? Fuck, no wonder. His wife's probably doing this. That third one was me. Steve, did we get hit again? Fuck, no wonder. His wife's probably doing this. That third one was me. It's a hired... Enough. Enough with the getting hit.

She hit herself just to get him to... So he did what any of us would have done. He hatched a complicated plan to catch the mad pooper copycat in his tracks. I don't know if anybody would do that. Also, what's complicated about it? You're hitting a bush into the camera. You haven't borrowed a cannon. Okay.

Here's what I did. I changed myself into dog food. That's unbelievable. That's an amazing choice. Smith eventually figured out Macintosh's running route. Presumably. Presumably. By tacking up and studying a map of the poops.

Okay, so he definitely has his favorite time to go for a jog. With the string going from one, oh, that's exciting. It's like a serial killer. Right, it's like season three of The Wire. It's just like a wall full of pictures and locations. Have you guys shot any of these stories? Because this one feels like a shot. I believe we should.

A dramatization? Yeah. He also marked favorite times to go for a jog. I don't know if that's Steve Smith's favorite times to go for a jog or Macintosh's. It might have been Macintosh's. After following him a few times and waiting in nearby bushes with his camera, he finally caught him in the act.

Toilet paper in hand. Are you guys ready for this picture? The fact that he saw five people undressing along the way, that was just a happy byproduct. Yeah, that was just being in the bushes. Are you ready to see a picture of everybody's rich uncle that doesn't talk to their mom? Taking a dump in public. Look at him! This will be up

on the Dumb People Time Facebook page. Look at those new balance. Look at those new balance. Doesn't it look like Pete Carroll from the CLC Fox? I like that it's getting caught is the shoe of the white. The shoe of the white. Doesn't it look like Pete Carroll from the ZLC Fox? I like that it's getting caught in the flash of the camera. So you get the flash. I like that the New Balance logo is getting caught in the flash of the camera. So it does show.

Truthfully, if he was like an anorexic 14-year-old girl, this could be an American Apparel ad. If somebody told you that was Jeff Flake, though, and he was right outside Trump's house, you'd be like, that guy restarted the Republican Party. Guy just did it. Guy just did it for all of us. New balance. More like poo balance. Look at his face.

His face is kind of like, and? And what? And one. Yeah. And one, bitch. And two. But here's the thing. And two.

So is he, in that photo, he doesn't feel, he's not on a lawn, is he? No, he's on a side, because he's doing it everywhere. He's on lawns, sidewalks, near people's houses. Everywhere, everywhere. So is he like shitting a little and then wiping and then going somewhere, like he's not finishing the job and then continuing to go? Or is he picking a new spot on the route every day? So there are those people who, okay, you have coffee, whatever.

You say, all right, I need to be near a bathroom because I'm going to have to go to the bathroom. And then there are those people who are like, okay, when I run, I have to go to the bathroom. So I should cut my run short or do my run at a different time. This guy is like, it doesn't matter. I'm just going to go about my day. Well, he is the superintendent. Right. No, this is not the superintendent.

Different guy. He's not the pooper intended. He's the super pooper of... He's the city councilman. the city councilman The shitty councilman Daniel Van Kirk Hit it Hit it

Daniel Van Kirk Grimshot me He I also But in a weird way He's a hero to me Sure We gotta be around the same age

You know And I'm like Sometimes I'm not taking him Until Wednesday That's confidence It's confidence that you He is older than you my man He is Greg you look great And you're Definitely younger I'm not taking him until Wednesday. That's confidence. It's confidence that he is older than you, my man. Greg, you look great, and you're definitely younger.

This dude is in his 60s. He looks good, though. He's running. I would guess. And he doesn't even look, like in that photo, he looks like, yeah, you got me. Right? He's not a lot of, he's not like backed off it at all. Like, oh, fuck.

He's like, yeah, I'm taking a shit. There's a what Backed off at it all Like oh fuck He's like Yeah I'm taking a shit There's a what Look in his eyes Like what So by the way This picture will be up On the

Facebook page Just crossed 20,000 We just crossed 20,000 Let's keep going On this god damn thing Please Mr. Smith 20,000 people

In your Facebook page Yes Oh my god We're not trying to get That many people To listen to our podcast This year You guys are fantastic On this one They'll do it after this one I'll tell you that Mr. Smith in your Facebook page? Yes. Oh, my God. We're not trying to get that many people to listen to our podcast this year. There you go.

You guys are fantastic on this one. They'll do it after this one, I'll tell you that. Mr. Smith, that's Steve Smith, was expected to, quote, be met with abuse, but instead, the man, McIntosh,

gave a friendly hello before continuing on his way. No. As the flash went off, he just looked at Steve Smith and went, hello. So he did, okay, so now looked at Steve Smith and went, hello. In the NBA,

I know this isn't a sports podcast, but there's a thing where big guys down in the post, down near the basket, they're playing back to the basket. You use your butt to back the guy down. A move that a defensive player will do will just be to step aside and let the guy fall down because he thinks you're there. It's called pulling the chair out from under someone. That's emotionally what he just did. He was bracing for a fight and the guy fall down because he thinks you're there. It's called pulling the chair out from under someone. That's emotionally

what he just did. He was bracing for a fight and the guy just said, hello. And I bet Steve didn't know what to do with it. No. Honey, I was frozen! Greg is frozen right now. Steve Smith said, quote, it was very strange. Yes! Everything about it is strange. This is my tactic back when I used to be a door guy

and you'd have to ask people, hey, your night's come to an end. It's just time to go. And then they would say mean things to me, and I would be like, you're hurting my feelings. And they have no clue how to deal with it because they expect you to come back with like-minded attitude, and you're like, what you just said hurt me.

It really hurts me on the inside. They're like, dude, I'm not trying to hurt you, man. But you are, though, emotionally. It's a power play. Like, it's an epic power play like it is a power play i don't want to use another story from a different podcast but uh marin had josh roland on and he talked about being in a movie with denzel washington and putting it they hadn't talked and uh josh forgot a line and he put his hand on denzel's shoulder and denzel

get the fuck off me knocked it off him yeah knocked it off and then he said at that point I'm like well I usually hit people when they do that

I don't think I'm gonna hit him and he goes but I don't wanna get my feelings hurt and not be able to act all day so I ruminated on him for a while and then when we got back together

I was standing right across from him and I just leaned over and went I think I'm in love with you and what did Denzel say fucking Denzel laughed he laughed fell out level. And what did Denzel say? Fucking Denzel laughed. He laughed. Leveled it. Jay met Denzel Washington at James Person. Denzel

Washington's in an ultimate power move. He said, what's your guy's name? He had seen us whatever, seen us before. He knew who we were a little bit. He said, where have I seen you guys before? What's your name? And Jay said, we're the Sklar Brothers. And Denzel, we said Sklar Brothers. And Denzel said, the Sklar Brothers. He added a syllable to my last name.

Talk about that as a power move. That actually sounds better. I'm like, we can't. He knocked it off. That's pretty sweet. If our name was a hand on his shoulder, if we put Sklar Brothers on here, he knocked it off and added a syllable. The Sklar Brothers. The Sklar Brothers.

Did he offer to share his toilet paper? No, I think he just said hello and then walked away. Would you like a few squares? Exactly. We'll get out of here on this. McIntosh was charged with one count of public nuisance, though neighbors say he's strewn approximately, here's a question,

how many turds around the neighborhood? I'm going to ask you guys, before he was caught, how many times do you think McIntosh dosed it out around this neighborhood before Steve Smith caught him? You guys can go first. You can go TIG, which would be second, or third. And each of you get a guess.

Just take a guess. If you want to go first, you can, or do you want us to go first? How many times do you think McIntosh hit it before Steve Smith hit in that bush and got him? Well, I know he hit that one guy quite a number of times. He was getting it regularly. I'm going with 16. 16 from Amira.

I'm going to go lower. I'm going to go 9. 9, Randy or Jason? I'm going to say 20 times. 20 times from Jason's club. I'm going to say 40 times. 40 times. I think this guy has been doing it for a month or so, and people are really upset.

Okay. All right, townies, get your answers in home, wherever you are. Scream in your cubicle. Scream at your ham radio. Scream at your radio. I just love that somewhere... Sklar. They're like in their car driving, screaming.

Someone is shouting, 40 turds! Right. We'll get out of here on this. Macintosh hit the neighborhood 30 times. With the different scars. With the different risks. The Scalabrothers. The Scalabrothers.

All right, Greg. I wonder if you pick your number based on how many bowel movements you have. Like, if you don't even know. It's a mental thing. In my mind, I don't think I... How could I do 30 this year? 30 this year. Stop it.

30 is a lot, though, by the way. Their podcast is Maybe It's You. It's on this very damn network. You should listen to it. Turn right around, go listen to it, and then subscribe to it, and then give it a good rating, and let's get them up to 20,000 this year. It's going to happen. That's been so fun.

Thanks, guys. I know, guys. And oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.