Dumb People Town - Greg Fitzsimmons - Blood On A Chainsaw

Episode Date: September 15, 2020

This week Greg Fitzsimmons comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about 2 people with chainsaws that attack the wrong group. In the second story, a woman "needs some air" while on a plane. And in the 3rd story there are some sword shenanigans in a pawn shop.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Fitzsimmons. Greg Fitzsimmons greg fitzsimmons hi buddy hey buddy hey guys this is uh this is so weird right i mean last time i was there we were all in the same room and everybody sits very close to each other that's right and there's energy and now we're gonna're going to make the same thing happen from across town. I know. I mean, the one beautiful thing about this, and I know you can appreciate this too, having

done a serious radio show and whatnot for years, you love sitting in studio with someone, but this actually allows us to get friends from New York who we just wouldn't, you know what I mean? Like people, you got to wait for them to get in town in order to do that. But this has sort of opened that up. Dude, and everyone's leaving town. Rogan's moving to Austin.

Yeah. Joey Diaz is in Jersey. Yeah. Duncan Trussell moved to North Carolina. Yeah. People are just like, what's the point? Why do I need to be here? Why do I need to be in LA?

We're the last dumb few. So we're here. Are you about to tell us that you're moving out of LA, Fitzsimmons? What's the point? Why do I need to be here? Why do I need to be in LA? We're the last dumb few. So we're here. Are you about to tell us that you're moving out of LA, Fitzsimmons? No, I'm about to tell you that instead of doing the 1045, I'll be doing the 830 at the comedy store. Exactly. Hey now. Hey now. Yeah, we all just jumped up a little bit.

I like that. Nice. We all don't have to follow Diaz, so that's good. Plus, they're all the sexual harassers. They're off the lineup. Not all of them. A lot of spots open up. I may have the seven o'clock spot.

Jesus. Yeah, well, I'll take the Lita spot. So what do you think in this pandemic? And we've adjusted the way we've learned how to live, but I feel like people are getting even dumber in this pandemic. Like this pandemic has exposed a lot of things because they have choices how to behave and they're like, oh no, I want to kill myself, right?

Yeah, I think there's a reaction to, they're calling it the new abnormal. Yeah. And I think that's what it is. It's become a nihilism because when Americans are told what to do, you tell Americans that there's global warming and they should drive small cars,

they buy a truck. That's right. Don't tell me what to do. Yeah, right. It's like, yeah, there is this sort of like, and that's when the threat is abstract and okay, maybe 180 years down the line, 70 years down the line, we're going to start to see some real destruction outside with that. So you could argue that some people could rationalize, well, it's not going to be in my lifetime.

You'd have to be a dick to do it, but that's what you're saying. This is like you will die next week maybe. And 200,000 people are. Well, no, because their rationale is that old people will die. Right. And they see it as Darwinism. They see it as we're having trouble with Social Security and Medicaid anyway. Let's get rid of them.

So let's just get these people off the rolls. So it's actually worse than burying their head in the sand. Their head is out of the sand. They're seeing old people and they're going, you can die. Yeah. So I would flip that. And we've talked about this on our daily podcast that like, They're seeing old people and they're going, you can die. Yeah. So I would flip that. And we've talked about this on our daily podcast that like,

I think Richard Branson, if he wants to do it right, really sells his Island and makes it basically hotspot Island. And we take everybody who doesn't want to wear a mask, send smash mouth down there. You guys, it's like, we'll ship your bikes down there it's sturgis all the time sturgis with a beach it is like the fire festival meets sturgis meets you know hotspot island love island go down here the rules you know you don't get you don't have to wear a mask you do not there's a one-way trip there you don't get to come back there are no hospitals because hospitals

are for pussies and then you just do your thing and have a great time. It's like an escape from New York. Yeah. See what happens. Yeah. And when you call Suicide Hotline, it's also a travel agency to get to the island. That's right. Hotspot Island.

One-way ticket, man. Yeah. If you're going to kill yourself, have a little fun on the way out with some people that you're more intelligent than. There you go. There you go. I love it.

Well, so we do believe the world's getting dumber and our fans as you know greg fitzsimmons send us uh wonderful stories let's jump into one right now shall we let's do it you ready guys yeah this was sent in by clive gulch at 2.0 gower gulch it's clive never that place the gower gulch of course tiger lowly was there i really was in that corner spot i always felt like that show not to get too inside baseball for our fans who probably don't care, but like all of us.

Put the gloves on. I always felt so great doing that show. Whereas there are other great shows in LA where at times you went up there and you were like, ah, man, what's wrong with the audience? Every time we went to Tiger Lily, I'm like, this is a blast

and we can do whatever we want. You know what I mean? Those types of shows. Yeah. I mean, a lot and we can do whatever we want. You know what I mean? Those types of shows. Yeah. I mean, a lot of alternative shows used to be fun. They always used to be like that. And now I find like, now it's comedy nerds and they're watching you. They're not there to laugh.

They're there to deconstruct what you're doing and then blog about it and think about how they're better. But those early shows were just like people that were excited to open up their minds and go for a ride that's right i hope that when we make it all through this provided we do that that that we just get back to a lot of people who are just happy to be there right we return to that be out well not taking any of this for granted that's what it felt like at that show that tom papa did i felt like everybody who was there was just pumped to be there they were along for the ride of every premise you had because they're like oh my god we're watching live stand-up yeah they were there to papa they

were there to wang chung yep yep i love it uh the first gulch that when i gulch i always think of glitter gulch on fremont street oh yeah strip club i don't know why i was like 14 and just the sign left an impression i was just saying my clive gulch 2.0 at two the number gulch g-u-l-c-h two blood-covered chainsaw wielding men emerged from the bushes of a popular public park in tor. Yeah. Sunday morning. I know. That's where it hits you. Could be an SCTV sketch. That's like 1,200 miles north of Florida.

That's right. I know. Although a lot of people from Toronto go down to Florida. Maybe. Well, it's coming. They brought some back with them. It came back this time. Two bloody chainsaw-wielding dudes. Yes.

Emerge from the bushes. Right. That's not scary at all if you see that. Do you even pack up your stuff? I mean, you just leave. You don't even pack up your stuff. If I'm with my kids. You Don Draper it.

You're like Jon Hamm in that scene, Mad Men, where they just shake out the blanket of all their garbage and walk away. Yeah. You're like, we're going. Where? Not here. Honey, go. Shake out the garbage.

Walk, walk, walk, walk, walk. This comes from blogtoe.com i don't know it's it's blog toronto i imagine witnesses say they screamed at followed and even lunge don't lunge why you lunch doing your lunges never lunch never lunch at a at a chain towards strangers while revving their deadly tools at this, you were either in like a Rob Zombie horror movie or two people thought this would be way funnier than it actually is. Like two idiots.

I mean, how do we know that this isn't Daft Punk? You know, we've never seen him without the hat on. Right, could be Banksy. Yeah, right. Banksy. This is like a thing. Yeah, I mean, the thing about when there's blood on a chainsaw there's great

there's only one way it happens and and you're next right you're you're only if you're stick around you're only adding to it here's what i love this is what they say in the article but on a chainsaw my favorite john cougar mellencamp song it's not he took a turn that's more of his chris games area it's not that's garth brooks i know god damn you It's not. He took a turn. That was more of his Chris Gaines area. That's Garth Brooks. I know. God damn you. It's not the kind of thing you see very often in a large Canadian city, which would imply that it's happened

before. Not very often. Very often. It's like a once a year. Toronto could be Montreal, Vancouver. I was up in Winnipeg and four guys came at me with chainsaws. A couple of them were bloody. As they do.

Out of the bushes. Or anywhere. You don't see it anywhere. Or outside of a horror movie, for that matter. Jesus. Who is giving this quote? It doesn't say. I think the person who wrote it just wants to do some flourish. Fine, fine. And yet, Toronto police confirmed that two people were arrested and two others injured yesterday when a large group of people were in a physical

altercation i if two people have chainsaw the group is not going to be large that's how you break up my guess is that the chainsaws didn't start there right you know what i mean they didn't wait a second i lost the story two guys come out of the bushes with bloody chainsaws. Now, where's the group of people? In the park that they're walking towards. So they're maybe trying to stop them from doing more damage? I don't know. What if the group is gathering, okay?

And they're like, we don't want you to gather in a social thing and spread COVID. We're going to stop. We're going to nip this in the bud. That's good. We need that here. You're saying this hypothetical. Yeah, we need that in Sturgis. I might be on.

Exactly. You're team Chainsaw. What if someone walked into the Smash Mouth concert at Sturgis and said, I'm going to start cutting motherfuckers down. You guys can, listen, you can get COVID and you can do it here, but you're not bringing it back home. Yeah. They would probably deny that chainsaws are bad for people.

That's right. Or they would tell them, please just use them on the elderly. Chainsaws don't kill people. Bloody dudes from Toronto coming out of the bushes do. Could these be like the Maple Leafs? They haven't done anything right in years.

First time they scored in a while. Two people were arrested and two others injured when a large group of people were in a physical altercation involving at least one chainsaw near Toronto's Cherry Beach. Police have yet to release the suspect's names, charges, or the nature and extent of any injuries. But Toronto Police Constable Caroline D. Clote did say on Sunday that the chainsaws were not used as weapons.

So that's just... Chainsaws... That's like a pro wrestler who comes to the... Like, hacksaw Jim Duggan never used the two-by-four. It's a flourish. Right. It just does. Fitzy, have you ever been in a fight, like a physical fight?

You're kidding, right? We've talked about it. We used to get into a lot of fights. Yeah. You tried to kill that guy on campus who assaulted that girl yes that's right there was a guy i got assault with a deadly weapon freshman year of college and uh now in fights as road rage fights as recently as five years ago oh no it's ridiculous that and i was uh what was the road rage fight? There was a guy who...

I just love that we asked a Boston comic. I guess I cut him off. First of all, if you drive a pickup truck and you don't have equipment in the back, fuck you. Exactly. This is a city. That's right.

You don't need it. You don't need it. Although you know what I've noticed lately here, though? More than any city I've ever lived in or spent time in, people are losing things on the interstate or freeways in la like i saw a wheelbarrow i've seen a shovel like the 101 was closed down last week because somebody lost a whole bunch of metal pipes now yeah greg's side of things at least they were hauling something at least they were haunt some but tie it down guys yeah if it's if it's if you got a pickup truck and it's five years old and it doesn't have a scratch on it yeah no no and they're the most aggressive people on the road

it's always a dodge so a clean pickup truck cut you off or did what well i guess i cut him off and then he tailgated me home and then he to your house to your house to my well i i realized he was tailing me because i started i started taking errant turns just to see if he would continue following me and uh so i stopped short of my house and then he pulled up next to me and then i got out instead of like yeah i hadn't seen the guy yet i didn't know how big he was that's the crazy thing yeah when i'm that angry it doesn't matter how big the guy is. I didn't know how big he was. That's the crazy thing. When I'm that angry, it doesn't matter how big the guy is, I'm going to win. And I get out and I start punching his side

window. What? And then he rolled it halfway down and started yelling at me and then I kicked the door and then he just drove off. No way. You kicked the door. I kicked the door, yeah. And it was a little raised. It had big tires. so i had to

kind of kick up a little bit yeah i punch up i kick up that's right my first question you never punch down that's what i like about you greg fits yeah my first question would be like to the person you have nowhere to be right you have nowhere to be i'd be like, I'm late for whatever I'm supposed to be at. Always. All the time. I'm never there on time. I don't have time for road. Do I have time for road rage?

No, I don't. Not right now. I'm sorry. How far did that guy drive out of his way to make a point? Very far. It was a good mile. He never made the point. He drove that far out of his way to get shamed by Greg.

What was he yelling at you? You cut me off, you son of a bitch. He said to me, he said to me, you cut me off. And I drive a Prius. Sure. You cut me off in your faggoty Prius. Who is it, Tom Brennan? I'm checking your truck, too.

Jesus. That was good. Can you imagine? I actually started laughing. He said it, and I laughed when he said it. I go, faggity, Freed. Like, it's just, you couldn't script that from a guy in a big F-150. You can't script that.

And then you just kicked up and then he left? I kicked up. By the way, do you think Brad Williams, Brad Williams can talk shit to anybody because people don't punch down. No, they don't. Some do. Some do. Some do and we don't respect them.

I mean, and everybody who usually does is in Game of Thrones, but I mean, otherwise. Also, Greg, you're thinking about clean trucks.

This is how I felt. Remember when they made the truck escalade for a few years? Yeah. And I was like, who is this for other than the dumbest people

in the world? I want to look like I use a truck, but there's no way I do. Yeah, it was cool if we put this in the back of your truck.

No, no, no, man. It's a Cadillac. It's a Cadillac. I don't put anything in the back of your truck. No, no, no, man. It's a Cadillac. I don't put anything in the back. I don't put anything back there. Don't know. You're going to scratch it. I hated that.

I'm going to share a picture with everybody. So check your screen. You'll be able to see it. You'll be able to see it right now. This is what the guys looked like coming out of the bushes. By the way, these two guys, they were the twins on Breaking Bad, right? Yeah, they were the twins on Cracking Bad, right? Yeah, I think so.

Is that racist? Look at them. Dude, when I see someone with jeans and no shirt, and we'll put this on the Facebook page for Dumb People Town, you should check them out. Jeans and no shirt, I'm like, these people are messed up. If those two guys were walking towards me sans chainsaws, I'd be like, we gotta go. Guys, we gotta go. Party's

over. Whatever non-socially distant party we're having is over. They're coming at you to fight with chainsaws i'd be like we gotta go guys we gotta go party's over whatever non-socially distant party we're having they're coming at you to fight with chainsaws and they're already bloody right so what was their pre-fight also kudos to the person who took this picture this is a very good picture right greg yeah i'm sorry guys can you just walk a few feet back and come back up again i'm trying to get you in portrait it does kind of feel like you could see this in some sort of like edgy art installation of like oh yeah yeah like or america dudes in toronto now the best would be if it was like uh just a little guy and he takes a selfie you see his face in the picture yeah or like they're approaching this person who took

this picture like you know hang on a second, I'm just putting a filter on this and then I'll be good. Don't start it up yet. I got to send, I got to post it. Right. Jeez.

Okay, so they're coming at him. Photos have yet to release the names. They said that the chainsaws were not used as weapons, which I kind of also love. That's just intimidation. You get off the bus with the chainsaw and then you go play football.

Yeah. An investigation into the fight is ongoing, which means that few details are available. Curious locals are thus relying on people who were at or around Cherry Beach around 10 a.m. on Sunday morning for the scoop. First-hand

accounts of what happened have been spreading like wildfire. No pun intended to our current living situation on social media over the past 24 hours so the rumors have been displacing people from their homes is that what's happening right people keep asking me what's it like in california i go go watch blade runner 2049 yeah that'll tell you exactly that whoever lit that you're like if blade runner 2049 was started by a gender reveal party i know do you know 90 of california fires are started by people gender reveal party. I know. Do you know 90% of California buyers

are started by people? Yeah. Yeah. Idiots. Yeah. Okay. Right. We said that,

who has ever, when the gender is revealed of a baby, if you've ever told someone we're having a boy, who has ever been like, uh, ugh. Right.

Why do you care? They could have done that bigger. Everyone's like, great. You're just going to text that? What are you having? Boy. Awesome.

What are you having? Girl. Great. It's great. So you don't have to ever reveal it because you know what the reaction is you know what the actual real fun thing would reveal to people at a party you're pregnant that's a surprise that could make people be like no shit really like way to go no no better now i think even more exciting we're gonna have sex later yeah we're gonna have sex right now i want to know about that that that piques my curiosity how about reveal to your partner who doesn't know yet that you're pregnant at a party how about see his reaction to that because it could it's because

it's like that moment on singled out remember that show on mtv on singled out it was around when greg when when eddie savants and i apartment single out there was always that moment where they turn around and face each other. And they're either both happy or one of them isn't. Or they're both unhappy. So this moment where someone's like, I have an announcement to make. Everybody

be quiet. Stop the music. Turn off the chainsaws. David, this will be news to you too. Now I think what about with a gender reveal You also can reveal if you're having an abortion And it's just black Instead of blue or pink

Yep Hey what does that black cloud mean? Forget that we gotta put this fire off It's just not a good time What does that black cloud mean? It means we're keeping Our options open In our lives

In the clip Two shirtless men It means David just got a promotion And I'm And I'm My workload is crazy Right now

It means we're gonna have A lot of time To take vacations Coming up In the clip It means we get to go to movies for another couple of years. In the clip. It means brunch is on. It means we're going to keep talking to our dog like it's our kid.

It means we do what we want for Christmas. It means our living room stays our living room. It means our living room stays our living room. It means summers are still great. It means instead of getting the minivan, we're getting the Mustang. It means we have $250,000

over the next 13 years. There you go. Okay, 13. In the clip, two shirtless men are seen approaching a local windsurfing club. That's who they're going at. A local windsurfing club at 10 a.m. I don't know if you hung out with windsurfers. They're D-bags.

On a Sunday. Yes. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Sunday morning windsurfers. The gall to think that you can harness one of the elements. Fuck you. Exactly. The bloodied men yell things as they approach people outside

the windsurfing club. Their chainsaws buzzing the entire time, which seems been effective. I can't hear you, man. Can you turn it off?

You just got to choose one or the other. One man can be heard yelling who hit me. So they think you started the fight that they've brought chainsaws or maybe they did.

We don't know what happened before this. Who hit me? Yeah. They brought sails to a chainsaws. Or maybe they did. We don't know what happened before this. Who hit me? They brought sails to a chainsaw fight. That's right. The video is in time stamped. But witnesses say police were fast arrived after they called 911, meaning the standoff could have lasted very long.

Yeah. Some are blaming the incident. Now, remember, this is 10 a.m. Sunday morning. But some people are blaming the incident on late night rave style parties at Cherry Beach, which Cherry Beach is known for. These are events which have been taking place peacefully for more than a decade without incident. So Saturday night at Cherry Beach for over a decade has been a rave party. Rave it up. Yeah, but we haven't had COVID for the past 10 years.

That's true. So 10 years ago, rave party at Cherry Beach. I'm down. Fine. But right now is maybe a bad time to do it. Guess who was meeting there? Mad. years that's true right so 10 years ago rave party at cherry beach i'm down fine but right now is maybe a bad time guess who was meeting there mad mothers against distancing members of the anti-lockdown group mad now we we so you called this this is people who don't want a social distance so they're gathering and then these people. And by the way, how mad are Mothers Against Drunk Drivers

at mad Mothers Against Distancing? Yeah. Mothers Against Drunk Drivers certainly probably also care about social distancing whereas the mad women

who are just Mothers Against Distancing are fucking mad. Mm-hmm. As opposed to the mad men who are all about driving drunk. Shake off the blanket

and let the trash fly and then walk out. Could have gone with mothers against socializing and distancing and then the Mossad. Mossad, which the Israeli Secret Service would have been MAD. We've been here. Men against...

So they say that the two men wielding chainsaws destroyed roughly how much worth of damage of DJ equipment that had been set up at the beach for the late night protest after party. So I guess here's what's happening. So people who don't want to social distance are hanging out Saturday night at this all night party. Right. They have a DJ there. The guys show up with chainsaws and wreck this DJ booth.

Because they think someone from this party probably hit them or maybe they did no or they think that they're spreading covid they're against i don't know i don't know so how much now i don't even know how much does it include does it include the bandana and the mirrored sunglasses thank you yes that's part of it and one baggie of Coke. And one motorcycle helmet. And one long thin box of business cards. Yes. And one pair of Joey Buttafuqua balloon pants.

Of course. Talking about Zubaz. So how much worth of damages do you guys think that they caused to the DJ equipment? According to Mother's Against Distancing. I love that in all of our minds, we're thinking of it as like a bar mitzvah DJ. Like Mr. DJ, the guy who does all those parties. No, these are like straight up like EDM Burning Man DJs. I know exactly who these people are.

How much do you think it is, Greg? How much money did they destroy in stereo equipment, DJ equipment? I'm going to say it's an outdoor rave. That's more expensive equipment. I'm going to go $12,000 rave. That's more expensive equipment. I'm going to go $12,000. $12,000, Jason. $1,500.

$1,500. $2,500. $2,500. According to the Mothers Against Distancing, who are now the new idiots in this story. Dummies. The men wielding chainsaws destroyed $4,000 worth of DJ equipment. Good, good. good organizers say the

gatherings are peaceful and that they are technically an extension of the afternoon protest at some point you like you're you're like everyone's telling you we social distance and then either having a rave you're having a protest that's right now if you can have both and everybody's happy about it go for it also social distance and don't be together. The chainsaw guys were not attendees of the party, nor did they even appear on the beach until after the party was over for the most part. It was while crews were cleaning up from the all-night beach party

that things ended in a chainsaw massacre showdown. No one died. No one died. There was no massacre. As a member of the group put it, it is impossible to know what motivated these men to bring chainsaws to cherry beach chainsaws to cherry beach because they weren't invited that's right maybe that was it they're mad they're mad at mad hopefully police can provide further updates in the coming days to put some minds at ease i mean you could work

this backwards ago you know if you guys didn't i think you went along with social distancing no one would show up a chainsaw here's what i think i think they went to the party okay these guys who were not invited shirtless in jeans and went to the party and started just like grabbing on some of the mad women okay maybe and they're like mothers these are mothers again but they're also like we don't care about social distancing and they're close enough they're hanging out that these guys started grabbing asses. So they're bad mothers. Right. So then someone said something about it, and they got into a fight. This was the altercation.

This is what I think happened. They got into a fight, and these guys were like, all right, who hit me? All right, fine. You want to fight me? And they went back through the woods to their car, got their chainsaws, came back the next morning, and they were like, all right, who hit me? That's why they say, if you put a chainsaw in your car, you're going to use came back the next morning and they were like, all right, who hit me? That's why they say, if you put a chainsaw in your car, you're going to use it. Get ready to use it.

You're going to use the chainsaw. It's true. I've seen it a thousand times. Did that happen to you on the road? Jesus. He sliced down on me. That's story number one. Jesus Christ. It's a good story. Well done. Very good.

All right. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to just find out what else is going on with the old Fitz dog. This is dumb people town. Greg Fitzsimmons is with us. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more dumb people town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. Before we get into Fitzy and all his great stuff and ways to follow him and listen to him, we want to remind people that live Dumb People Town that we're doing on Zoom for Nowhere Comedy Club is happening on Saturday, September 26th. Mike Birbiglia and music from Mike Doty,

the lead singer of Soul Coffee. It's going to be amazing. Yeah. That's amazing. Crazy show, really fun. We had Gaffigan on last time, and then Gaffigan went off the rails, but in the best way possible.

Gaffigan became the most non-public Gaffigan, but the person we always knew inside he was, because you've known him for years in New York, to be a smart, sensitive, thoughtful, empathetic, caring guy, and he was like, I can't take this shit anymore. That happened like the week after we did this.

So God only knows what's going to happen to Burbiglia. I'll tell everybody this too. There's about a hundred tickets left and you've done a headlining show there. I've headlined there. We've done a dumb people town there. Which you should do it, Fitz. I don't know if you've done it.

You should do one there as well, but I'll sell this. We sell over a hundred tickets in the final 24 hours and there's about a hundred tickets left now. So there will not be tickets left by the time this show rolls around. Is this a live show?

Yes, we do it live over Zoom. There's like 5, 6, 700 people in there. And with couples tickets and group tickets, you're doing it in front of between 700 and 1,000 people. And how much does it cost? So tickets, general admission, which I don't know how many more of those left,

are $20. Ticket plus are $25. Couples are $27. $40. $50? No, couples are $30. Couples are $30. The VIP are sold out, and that's $35.

But you can add for $15 in the pre-show meet and greet where we hang out with everyone on Zoom and just mess around with them. Unbelievable. It's so much fun. So it is. But when you think about it, Fitzy, out with everyone on Zoom and just mess around with them. Unbelievable. It's so much fun. But when you think about it, Fitzy, as we're regular human beings looking for stuff to do, to have a night out, quote unquote, in your own house, you can screen mirror the show on your TV.

The bar is open in your living room. How many times have people said to you, hey, Greg Fitzsimmons, when are you coming to Bangor, Maine? You're like, I'm not coming to Bangor, Maine. I can't. Until Bob Marley invites me, I'm not going. I'm not going there. Comedian Bob Marley, but yes. But we can come to Bangor, Maine when we do this show. We'll come right to your house. And you don't have to get in a sitter

and you don't have to get two Ubers and you don't have to pay for a two drink minimum. So it's just a really fun thing. So for most people, it's like, hey, we're going to do this every five weeks and we're going to get big name people to come on this thing and have fun and goof around and and it's it's this but in front of a thousand seven hundred fifty people it's all and then people do stand up like from their house we do the stand-up show yeah like when i did mine it

the setup you're looking at right now i cleared this table out put up a mic stand and i did you should 100 do that we'll connect you up with Glebe. You should do it. Period. It's great. Oh, it's Ben Glebe? Yeah. It's fantastic. It's super fun. Alright. I love it. Alright, so we have that, so please come and check that out. Also, we have a YouTube page where we're putting up episodes of Cheap Seats, which we would love for you

to watch and enjoy that, plus episodes of our podcast, Look Up Sklarbro Country. Rate, review it, and just subscribe to it and that's the way to do it for sure fitzy what can we have people uh pick up of yours and then we'll get to dance too oh i'm glad you're asking i got a podcast i've been doing like six months with you know mike gibbons yes gibby so funny so he and i have been best friends since college and he's a uh if people don't know him he's a producer producer. He created Tosh.0, Norm MacDonald Show,

Spades Old Show, Showbiz Show. And he's just a really funny dude. And we go through the Sunday paper and we tackle each section, sports, entertainment, business. I love it. And we do jokes on each one. So it's called Sunday Papers, comes out every Sunday. Love it.

And then of course there's Fitz Dog Radio, comes out on Tuesday. And then Alison Rosen and I do Childish, which comes out on Wednesday. Love it. And then, of course, there's Fitz Dog Radio comes out on Tuesday and then Alison Rosen and I do Childish which comes out on Wednesday. I love that too. Dude, you're set. You got three going.

So do we. We've got three going. Dan's got three going right now. Yeah, you have to. What else are you going to do? Dan's got Pen Pals with Rory Scoble

which is amazing. Yeah, we have a live show on the 25th the night before so you can spend the weekend hanging with us doing comedy. That'd be great. Yeah, we have that one and then I have The Good Night Show before. So you can spend the weekend hanging with us doing comedy. That'd be great. But yeah, we have that one. And then I have the good night show,

which is just a nightly little 20 minute show that is a break from all the BS in the world. Same with it. Yeah, our daily show, Sklub Our Country, is just, again, give you 30 minutes to just laugh at what is going on in the world. Because we need that recharge. And if we're going to...

Yep. You need a recharge before you listen to the Woodward tapes. So to speak. So to speak. Should we jump into another story? Let's the Woodward tapes, so to speak. So to speak. Should we jump into another story? Let's do it. Okay. Ready?

Yep. Sent in by Sarah at Shabatra. S-H-A-B-A-T-R-A. Love it. Thank you, Sarah, for sending this in. Okay. A Ukrainian mother of two has reportedly been blacklisted from flying after she was captured on video taking a casual stroll

along an airplane wing. We saw this one. So we talked about this on our podcast, but I will gladly get into this again. Okay. You guys exit row seats. You fly. You guys will sit wherever. I'll sit wherever as long as I... This is the way I love to fly

just back in the old world and who knows if this will ever become again but i like there to be a seat in between me and jay like we'll fly together so if there's anything we got to talk about and work on but i want that empty seat in between us because i just i don't love sitting next to other people i just it really bothers me i like hug it yeah i will sit i will sit in the not the last row but i'll sit in the second to last row i look at the seating chart right before uh i leave for the airport and i and if and if the middle seat is open next to me i'm good if it fills up i just keep moving back keep moving back until i get the seat open next that's right i mean

it's like you kind of have to gauge with southwest you got to ask them how many people are on this flight how many yeah fly south but i don't i i mean i fly southwest so much i'm always in the exit row right always in the exit i mean you do have a little more room for your legs but it doesn't go back but it doesn't it doesn't recline the brand new ones do thank the 800 series by the way and if they're i don't know why i know that i mean i know why i know it i love in southwest when they're like when or in any plane where they ask you in the exit row i love that people don't answer like they haven't learned that i'm like maybe we've flown so much that this is ridiculous but people like do you

accept there's no ability to help people out and people just like kind of are looking. You got to give a verbal answer. I'm sorry. You need to give a verbal answer. And then they still don't. So do you accept responsibility? And they're like, you got to say yes or no. Right. Yeah.

Right. Also, I would say you're automatically out. Yeah. Because we can't even get you to cooperate on that level. If you can't answer a simple question. Not even out of the seat. Off the fucking class. Yes.

Get them out. Because now you've bummed everybody out. We're all in a bad mood. Get the guys from United to drag them out. The reason I ask you guys is because I'm always in the exit row. There you go. Just for show. Not for use. Cut them up and put them in the overhead compartment. I don't care. I sometimes get claustrophobic

and there is a small part of my brain that says I could open up the... I could open this door when if i really had to i don't it just the fact that i know you relate to this woman i i've always wondered okay but i'm just one time i've actually done it more than once but it only got a laugh once where when you get asked the question they're like do are you will are you willing and able i go i've done it so many times don't worry and then they're like, are you willing and able? I go, I've done it so many times. Don't worry.

And then they're like, like. Dan is like writing comedy for Southwest Airlines. Oh, I got it. I'm just trying to, I'm using comedy to become a flight attendant. By the way, I don't appreciate Southwest doing stand up over the fucking microphone. Nope. Like there's turbulence. They have like bits too. There's turbulence

and they'll take a bunch of honey roasted peanuts and throw them down the aisle. You're like, they're doing bits and Randy and I remember like around 2004, they started doing the bits again, 2003,

and Randy and I were like, if 9-11 killed anything, it should have killed this. It should have killed the comedy on this flight. Have you been on a flight where they did? By the way, what a coincidence that Randy's actually wearing a Southwest

Airlines shirt. No, this is Trader Joe's. Yeah, he's due back at Trader Joe's. If he was Southwest, he'd have tight blue shorts on. There you go. That's right. Great. Get into it, Dan. Okay. The head-scratching clip shot by ground staff shows the woman using an emergency exit to access the wing to, quote, get some air because she was, quote, too hot, according to reports.

We've all been on planes where it's been really hot. Yes. And you're just like, all right, I'm going to sweat until I get into the terminal. That's just what's going to happen. And it's the worst kind of sweat. Or you complain about how slowly people get it. Let's go. Let's go. You know what I mean? You start to slowly people get it. Let's go. Let's go.

You know what I mean? You start to say that. There she is, Greg. Look at her. This is on our Instagram page. We did a whole little piece on this too if you want to see the clip.

She looks like she's standing at the opening of a cave that's confused her. Right. By the way, now, we said this on our podcast too. Jason and I,

when we did the History Channel show, United Stats of America, we went out to the airplane boneyard out of the Mojave Desert and shot a stand-up, like a opening segment on the wing of a plane. It is high up.

You're 15 feet off the ground, and it is not flat. It's kind of like- It's raked. It's raked. We were both wearing sneakers, and I was afraid the entire time that we were going to fall off this thing this gal is in i want to say a wedge

or some sort of a high heel shoe and just yeah she's got a ukrainian pedal pedal pusher i've seen it before and she's by the way i think someone had already called the cops because um somebody stole her ass she's looking for her ass out on the plane so the airplane seats this is like the this is like the dumb version of the twilight zone movie where lithgow if like lithgow looked out and saw this dummy out on the wing you'd be like i i gotta get off this thing but i also you gotta take the fact that she has two kids and i'm assuming they're young kids and i'm like look if you flown, think back, Fitzsimmons. This is like 15 years ago when you're longer than that.

No, no. Your kids are what? Like 19? 19 and 17. So 19 and 17. 15 years ago. 15 years ago, Fitzsimmons. When they were four and two.

And you flew back to like back east. Six hours back to like the East Coast. How fucking terrible was that? I'd get on a wing. You'd get on a wing? Thank you. Yeah. There's a moment where you just...

But can you imagine the people around her? The level of intensity in your voice when you say ma'am. Ma'am? Ma'am. Ma'am. By the way, you can't just... It's not like opening the curtain. No, you got to pop a couple of things off, pull, yeah. Ma'am. Ma'am. By the way, you can't just, it's not like opening the curtain. No, you got to pop a couple of things off, pull something down.

It's not just someone wandering into first class. No, you got to throw a latch, grab the top, pull it in. I mean, with Ukraine Airlines, there might be a crank. It's like a whole thing. This woman had to do a lot before she just strolled. Ma'am. Ma'am. I understand, but that isn't going to make them stop crying.

In three minutes, you will be in the terminal, ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am this woman i understand but that isn't gonna make them stop crying in three minutes you will be in the terminal ma'am ma'am ma'am you chose you chose the blue smoke not the black smoke at the gender reveal party you gotta get back in there you went for it you gotta stick with it now ma'am ma'am she can be seen sitting beside the engine and chilling out for a bit also if you're too hot and you go sit next to a jet engine it's not gonna cool you off wait was this before this before the flight landed at the end of the flight yes so it's hot so yes yeah it's been up in the air she sits down before eventually wandering back into the cabin the ukraine international airline 737 big plane had just touched down at kiev's borispil airport from the

turkish city of antalya and had taxied from the runway to the terminal to wait for passengers to deplane but not everybody was okay with the waiting part you got to be i've sat on a i sat on a plane once for an hour and 45 minutes before we took off we joked about this we sat on we flew we were going to do shows in bloomington indiana we went to indianapolis we sat we literally flew from early in the morning and we had shows that night we had a show that night landed on the tarmac and waited for an hour and a half because mike pence was back in indianapolis we're like oh no we're like really so we were trying to think in our brains what was mike pence doing there and the only thing we could come up with was that

an airplane had tried to enter a hangar from the backside. He doesn't like that. But you're not supposed to do that. He does not like that. He went up into the air traffic tower and he reprogrammed it to go in the front way the way God had intended. That's right. Yeah. Where you can make eye contact with the tower the whole time.

Here's the weird thing. The aircraft landed and almost all the passengers had gotten off. One fellow passenger told reporters she walked almost all the way from the tail to the emergency row exit, opened the door

and went out. They were already there. Yeah. At this point, I'm like, are you just trying to prove a point, woman? Dan, you got three dads

here right now. This is a woman who wants to get away from the kids. That's all this is. By the time her two children were outside the plane and standing right next to me,

they were surprised saying that's our mom. So the kids are right next to me, they were surprised saying, that's our mom. So the kids are off the plane. Well, how did they say, that's our mom? Are they, did they say it in a way? Like sitcom style? Did they say, well, that's our mom for you. Freeze frame. What are you going to do? Did they say like that or like, holy shit, that's our mom.

That's our mom. Maybe they were, yeah, like they were really proud. That's our mom. There's our mom. Either that, they yeah, like they were really proud. That's our mom. There's our mom. Either that, they're too dumb as kids to understand that their mom is basically having a psychotic break. Right. Some seven-year-old is like, holy shit, she did it. Or they're like, that's our mom, and we are now realizing how crazy. We are going to have to take care of her a lot younger than we are.

Kids, if they're little, they don't get it. If they're little, they don't. Mom's so crazy. She drinks all those little bottles of things. It's like, well, Mom's not crazy. But maybe it's like an 11-year-old on a drag, just like, that's my mom. That's mom.

Okay, I get it. All right. The pilot sounded the alarm. The police, ambulance, and border guards were summoned. The passenger was tested for both drugs and alcohol, but had neither in her system. I know. She just wants to get away from her yeah

that's what it is she's got two kids when questioned by police she simply told them she was quote too hot yeah the airline confirmed the bizarre incident adding the woman what are you in cool in the gang shut up she's now blacklisted a passenger they said illegally opened the emergency exit after the plane had stopped near gate 11 of Terminal D and went on to its wing. Blacklisted is my favorite James Spader. Oh, it's a great show. Great show. I do love that show.

Is it good? Yeah. I don't know. Well, they should replace him with someone of mixed race and call it Blacklisted-ish. Yeah. I think that would be a great show. Phenomenal. Did you just write that?

Or is that part of the act? No, they wrote that. It's part of the act now. At think that would be a great show. Phenomenal. Did you just write that bit or is that part of the act? No, no. They wrote that. It's part of the act now. At Sklar Brothers. There you go. Blacklistedish. That's how these guys

come up with the new act. There's a guy in the... There's a scribe. There's a writer's assistant who watches all 15 podcasts every week. Put it down. And he jots down chunks.

We did a bit on our other podcast about... Name's Corner. Hey, Corner. We did a bit on our other podcast about... Name's Corner. Hey, Corner. We did a bit on our other podcast about there was a guy who...

From Ukraine. From Ukraine also. He was like a religious leader who said that gay marriage is the cause of coronavirus. And then he got coronavirus. And our thing was like,

well, maybe there's a gay God coming after you. And you don't want to get smote by the gay God because he's going to strike you down and then he's going to make fun of what you're wearing. He's going to judge you

and then he's going to judge what you're wearing. So he's going to judge you and then walk it off. He's very demeaning. As your body goes up in flames, how does it feel to get snark thrown in your face? That's right. Yeah. Gay God. Gay God.

Gay God. The passenger was flying on a charter vacation with her husband and children. That's richer, right? I don't know. I guess. The chief pilot immediately summoned the aviation security border service. Gay God would have had no problem with Sodom and Gomorrah, just with the music that they were playing.

All those horns. What is this? A Chicago concert? Gay God was front and center at every performance of Godspell, by the way. they were playing. All those horns. What is this? A Chicago concert? Gay God was front and center at every performance of Godspell. That's right. Gay God loved it. Gay God knew the customer. Passenger is blacklisted for gross violation

of aviation security rules and behavior on board. Okay, I guess it's just her name. She could never buy a ticket with that airline ever again. That's how you do it i tried to find out but i always love when people are like he's banned from fenway park forever how are you gonna who's gonna enforce that you know what i mean you're gonna get some shitty ticket taker grow his hair out and get a mustache what are you gonna every you're taking a thousand tickets every two minutes you're gonna be like whoa

is this guy you look a little like the guy five years ago who was banned forever from Fenway Park. You can't enforce that. You just can't. There's a restaurant that just opened next door to my office, and they handed it out because I'm in an office. There's a bunch of offices here.

They slid under each one of our doors a pass to go to the restaurant and get 50% off just to get us to check out the new restaurant. Great, smart idea. And I found another one in a hallway. Somebody must have thrown it out. But it was for your first visit. And then I thought, can I go?

Can I say I'm a twin? Yes! My twin brother was here. I've been doing that for years dan's joke dan's joke about the exit row i'm gonna use it yeah and so did you do it did you go i just had my first lunch there and i gotta decide whether or not i'm gonna pull the uh i'll just say no that was jason jason fitzsimmons come in without your glasses on next time my man do it do it what happened to her? Nothing.

They just blacklisted her. God damn it. She's not allowed to fly anymore. All right, listen. Maybe even not be around the kids. And this is at the point where you say like, okay, this happened in the Ukraine. Like I'm assuming that this type of stuff happens in Ukraine all the time.

Like the Ukraine is like the American, like New York City in the 1970s. Like there are no rules. Crazy stuff happens. There's no rules. Crazy stuff happens. There's no rules. Obviously, Hunter Biden wasn't following the rules, as we all know.

Yeah, we all know how bad that, we all know how little damage that caused. Yeah, exactly. Precisely. All right, that's story two? Yep. Story two down in the books. Give us a little tease of what we're going to hear coming up on segment three.

Oh, shenanigans at a pawn shop. Shenanigans at a pawn shop, which by the way, shenanigans could be the name of a restaurant that is also a pawn shop. Yeah, that'd be great. We'll get into it. And they just opened and they're offering 50% off for you and your twin. And Fitzsimmons is going to go. All right. We've got one more segment left.

Greg Fitzsimmons is with us. This is Dumb People Town. Stick around. Look us down. For more Dumb People Town. Stick around. Look us down. For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Dan, take us home.

I will. But do you think there's a gym called Shenanigans? Shenanigans. I'm okay. It's the most fun gym ever. Connor, write that down. All right. Here we go.

Do you think that Shania Twain has a joke shop? Shania Twain. Shenanigans. Shenanigans. Shenanigans. Is her jokey restaurant. No, it's her comedy club. Yes.

Shania, but it's grins. It's in Shania Grins. We nailed it. Done. Okay, here we go. Ready? This was sent in by Gary Bunda at Schmickler83.

I love everything about this guy. I know. I like the name. Gary Bunda. Gary Bunda could have played D1 offensive line. Also, if it was Jerry Bunda, that feels like the redistricting of a gerrymandered district yeah we got a gary bunda this thing man also sometimes i hear people's

names and i'm like that's that's a car dealership gary bunda honda gary bunder toyota and the whole family of gary bunda dealerships it's got to be like gary bunda saturn so what's gary bunda been doing the well he's teaching high school gym and he's got a blog about the Cubs in the 1980s. Gary Bunda. Right. Who took his job as the bouncer at the town square? He's still doing it.

He does that on weekends. And he works on the chain gang at the high school for the football games. Not ours here in town. Two towns over. Oh, yeah. He unofficially does security at everything. I am authorized. He is more than one occasion said

I'm authorized to kick you out, right? And he was not. He was not author and he found out when he got you to the door and they said, let this person go back to their seat. God damn it. Gary, get out of your black listed Gary. The hell the hell I am. I'm keeping the order. Okay, by the way, you out of here. You're blacklisted, Gary. The hell. The hell I am. I'm keeping the order.

Okay. By the way, you need a car? I can put you in a truck. It's only been up kicked three times. Oh, we haven't even got to the name in this story. Now you're going to want the undercoating. A Twin Cities man is facing felony charges after he allegedly bought a sword at a pawn shop, unsheathed it, and then told the cashier to give him money.

This is the full circle in one moment. So I was just in Zion with my family. Have you ever been there in Utah and Zion? Yeah, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. We hiked the Narrows. It was fantastic. There is on the road into towards like Springdale where it gets into the park. There is this like terrible touristy trap like place on the left that's got-

Does it look like an old West saloon kind of out? Kind of. They've got like, they have built out there for a dollar you can go out and walk through. Like they have like a giant, what looks like an old jailhouse and an old this and that. It's so schlocky and terrible. It is a shitty person magnet in terms of all the dumb people just go there and crying babies. And it's terrible. They had, and I took a picture of it, Dan. They had a thing of whips because Dan has in his bed about going to one of his-

Flea markets. Going to a flea market about going to one of the flea markets. Dan said that from the flea market, there was a time in your life where all the grandkids had whips. We bought ourselves. No one thought this was a bad idea. There was a tiny... I also have to say, because I have to say it as a disclaimer,

it's not dark. We just wanted to be Indiana Jones, but also eight kids with whips is dark. It's not dark. We just wanted to be Indiana Jones. But also, eight kids with whips is dark. It's horrifying. So there was a tiny typed label maker thing that said, don't play with the whips. That's going to stop anyone. You have a whip door.

So then on the other side, right with the entrance into this stupid little ghost town thing that they built, there was a wall of swords. And they're like, don't play with the swords on a time sheath the sword on sheath the sword i'm like if you want them they're gonna be they're gonna sell weapons in the store just expect what do they say this about you if you have a gun in your house you better be ready to shoot to kill or it's gonna get used on you so swords in the store swords in the store get ready to have them jack phillips told me that

when i was a federal agent what he said if you have a gun get ready to kill someone used on you. So swords in the store. Swords in the store. Get ready to have them turned. Jack Phillips told me that when I was a federal agent. What? He said if you have a gun, get ready to kill someone. Get used on you. Here's the other thing. If you're in a pawn shop. If you have a dick, you're going to jerk off. It's going to get used on you. Right. You just need to learn context.

If you're in a pawn shop and you think like you're going to, you just bought a sword and now you're gonna use that what pawn shop I would say to that person you think that's the only weapon we sell yeah do you think that I'm not within arm's reach of nine other weapons in this pawn shop I'm

gonna I'm gonna put an end to this okay so he unsheathes it did you see what Michael Duncan whatever did to that guy in Pulp Fiction yeah exactly medieval that was uh that was being rames not Michael Duncan would ever did to that guy in Pulp Fiction? Yeah, exactly. In a pawn shop basement? Medieval. That was Ving Rhames. Ving Rhames, not Michael Clark Duncan, was the Green Mile. Green Mile and much larger man than Ving Rhames or whatever.

That's the second most racist thing to happen on this podcast. I found out you had a whip in your house. That's right. While in custody, the person reported, sorry, I got all screwed up here, reported that officers that he thought the idea was funny yeah

it's hilarious yeah why'd you do that I thought it was funny funny Hunter Grancy Bowman that is a full name

hyphenated yes Grancy and Bowman is hyphenated I'm glad it is mom kept her name HGB is his literal initials.

If I own a pawn shop, nobody with hyphenated names allowed in. There you go. The odds are. The odds are they're going to unsheath something. Who played Temple Grandin? Am I wrong? Temple Grandin. Temple Grandin.

All right. Temple Grandin. He's charged with one count of first degree aggravated robbery. Court documents filed in Hennepin County show. If convicted, he faces up to a decade in prison, according to a criminal complaint. So he bought it, and then did he buy it? Hunter

Grancy Bowman bought the sword at Pawn America shop in Fridley shortly before 4 p.m. After buying the weapon, he approached the cashier and said, give me the money. He then lifted the unsheathed blade into the air, to approached the cashier and said, give me the money. He then lifted the unsheathed blade into the air to which this cashier

said, I don't think so. That's it. That's not their first pawn shop shift. You think they haven't been held up before? You think they haven't been stabbed by a sword before a sword purchase in their own shop? Right. You can be robbed by half the objects in the pawn shop.

That's right right I don't think so she then called 9-1-1 literally she goes nah I'm not giving you the money I'm just gonna call 9-1-1 and Hunter was like okay Dan anytime someone sells a weapon I guarantee you they as they're selling the weapon they take

the phone off the hook and they go 9-1 oh I want to see you walk out of this. I'm alone in a pawn shop one anytime. Somebody's like, can I ask you a question? I'm like, hold on nine one. Yeah, what's up? What do you need? Can I help you with come over here?

She called that one one. Grancy Bowman left the store with the sword, but no cash officers then arrested Grancy Bowman shortly thereafter. His first court appearance was slated for Thursday. I just thought this was completely dumb and wild. In his defense,

he did pay for it. He did. But then he used to try and rob them. We'll get out of here on this. How old is Hunter Grancy Bowman? How old is he? 34.

34 years old. Jay, what do you think? Jason Sklar. Grancy makes it seem like he's 14, but I'm going to say 19. Okay. I think he's 47.

Okay. Yeah. All right. One of you is exactly right. Okay. Now we get to play the game. Who do you think is exactly right? Greg, would you like to stick with yourself?

I think Randy is. You think me? He went high. I think that might be the best track. I'm sticking with me. I think I'm right. I think he Randy is. You think me at 47. He went high. I think that might be the best track. I'm sticking with me. I think I'm right. I think he's 19. I think it's me.

Okay. We will leave with this. Hunter Grant Seaborn. Get your tickets now. For Live W on the Show. Listen to all of Fitzy's podcasts. Sunday Papers. Sunday Papers.

Fitz Dog Radio. And Childish. Childish. With Alison Rosen, who we love. Hunter Grant Seabman is 19 years old no shit i knew it i knew it grancy is a young man's name grancy's a young man's name that's a young and move yeah now that i think back that's's a youngin' move. That's like a big dick. Yeah. That's like he got the sword in his hand. It wasn't premeditated.

No, no. He was going to pay for it. Once you get it in your hand, everything changes. He was on skis, and he was like, I can do this black diamond. No, you can't. No, you can't. Got over your skis. Can't, Grancy. You can't.

All right, there you go. That is the show. Greg Fitzsimmons. You are awesome. Every time you come on this thing, it just makes me so happy, and I love hanging with you. Can't wait to hang with you and see you again out in public. And we're going to play some golf in the next couple weeks.

That would be lovely. Okay, great. Oh, shit. We got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down.

It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.