Dumb People Town - Guy Branum - A Very Holiday Orgy

Episode Date: May 17, 2022

This week Guy Branum comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is the worst prank a parent could pull on another parent. The second story is about love in the city of New York. The final story is another tale of romance!

Skypains, out of here. Don't listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Banders, don't be a jerk. That's when the music hits the funny hits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population Branham. Guy Branham. Welcome to the show buddy. Hi buddy. Very excited to be here. It's a joy to have you back. So we've wanted to have you back and do it in studio and I think you were in studio maybe the last time we did it. I was. In our other studio. In our other studio but we're here now. Jay and I just got to and Dan just got to spend time with you at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Wonderful. Always great. We got to see the new material that you're doing, which we absolutely love. And then you got to do Tag It,

which is like the best thing in the world, our show where we get to just pitch you tags on your material. It was really fun. And I got to see the two of you sing and play around like little boys. Like little boys. Like children.

Children. You guys go nuts for it. And it's what you're supposed to do. You do it appropriately. And I got to see Dan do some of the strongest thigh-based comedy work that I've seen in a long time. Thank you. I learned it from Kindler. So true.

Just for our fans who have not seen your stand-up, who maybe only know you from the true TV show that you did, which was fantastic. So good. Chelsea Lately. Chelsea Lately, whatnot. Your stand-up is so good. I was trying, as I was like falling asleep last night thinking about doing this this morning, I'm like, why do I love Guy Branum so much? And it is because I think we identify with you on so many levels.

Your stand-up, you have a path to your stand-up that is like ours. You know, we are, there's something large about us that is like at the front and center of who we are, but we don't make it all of our material. We're like, we're comics first. The fact that we're twins, it never, it's part of it, but it's underneath it in a weird way, but it's not the front and center.

This is everything we're talking about. Well, and we kind of talked about this, but one of the cool things about seeing you at a festival in sort of a looser space is so frequently I see you guys in like professional situations. I mean, you know, like sometimes it shows, but like seeing you do shorter sets where you were just sort of like feeling your way through. Like it was really interesting to watch because like I don't think in terms of two people having to work together to do a set that you haven't figured out yet. Choreographs.

Yeah, that's right. Specifically on that Tag It show, at the beginning of that show, we were just kind of meandering through certain bits and stuff and it was just fun to kind of feel it and go. But it made me think differently about what I do, seeing two people do it. Yeah, that's true.

Well, it's just great. I think you're such a great writer, and again, your material is unexpected every time. Thanks so much. You can't just be like, well, here's what Guy's going to do, right? I mean, it's like he just- Yes, 100%.

There were so many things that just kind of, especially in this new set, that blew us away. Anyway, go see him, God damn it. That's what we're trying to say. I've been a fan for years. Of yourself. Yes. I've been a huge fan of myself for years. Since action god that's a long time well here's the great thing guys that

even since action the world has been getting done but that's right the world's getting dumber our fans send to the great daniel van kirk all the stories and we just dig into them so let's jump into one shall we right now ready. Who is it sent in by? She be Carleen. God damn. I love this one. Carleen McDermott. This is going to be a story of opinions.

It's a dumb thing that I think happened, especially the Sklars with children. Guys, you don't have any kids. No. Okay. Neither do I, but I definitely have feelings about this. Let's hear it. We were all work kids. Here's the headline.

Man tricks wife into thinking son is missing. Oh, my God. So when we did Apartment 2F. Oh, my God. So when we did our first TV show, this is 1997. 87. Come on, dude. It was 1997, and we had a warm-up comedian,

and then they started using a friend of the guy who is a comedian yeah he's done a ton of stuff yeah but like and he's warming up in between like you know as we're changing scenes and in the cast is like zach and me and randy and like show walter and like all these great people and we're working on the scenes and randy and i are nervous about our acting in front of a studio audience at chelsea piiers and I just remember in between two of the scenes as it's a big setup change, our warm-up comedian is doing prank phone calls, calls someone up that you can hear

and you can hear their side of the thing. It's like, hello, hello, yes, is this so-and-so? Your son's been in a car accident. He's dead. What the fuck? And then the whole audience gasps. Who's got a clothespin? Who has a clothespin?

And then the AD goes, all right, we're on a bell, guys. Let's go. Everyone to station one. I'm like, you motherfucker. That's not funny. No. That's not good. That's not normal.

But I have to say, I like the guy, though. I like the guy. I don't hate him, but I hated that choice. He even might be like, yeah, I don't know why I did that at this point. So this is a trick in that same family. A dad. Prank phone calls as crowd warm-up is the most 1997 thing I've ever heard. A hundred percent.

A hundred percent. It's like the chain wallet of comedy. Lived and died. You guys like jerky boys? A dad. Aived and died. You guys like jerky boys? A dad was furious after discovering his wife's horrific habit two months ago and wanted to stress to her the severity of her behavior, which already is like- Oh my God. Anytime someone wants to teach someone in a relationship a lesson-

And you're supposed to be equals and peer. You're fucked. You're fucked. Guy, I'm going to teach you a lesson about, and you're like, I don't need, I'm a grown man. I don't need to be taught anything right now. It's like that episode. I'll learn stuff. Arrested development.

That's why you always leave a note. And he just keeps you to that to his kids. And then he has, even as adults. Yeah. However, the man fears that he might've taken things too far. Oh, does he? Here we go. You went over the line.

Well, I, we could have just done the story about this next sentence. By the way, man fears he might have taken things too far. So he's still not convinced that he's taken it too far. Or he's trying to downplay how bad it really was. Literally, this next sentence that has nothing to do with this story, all of us could do five minutes on it. Let's hear it. While ordering lunch together via the Subway app.

What point have you gotten to? I imagine they throw in a free cookie if you use the app. Guys, it's not fast enough to go to the place. You got to just get it done. I also love that this story understands you need to set us within a socioeconomic sort of scenario. Who are we dealing with? Yes. Instead of just opening by saying, you know, Dateline Florida.

Right. Like they're giving us that there's a Florida in these people's souls. Right. Thank you. Deep down inside them. Of course, because like Subway's on every Postmate and Corner and every other app that has all other foods. But if you're getting it through the Subway app, if you are taking up space in your phone to have the Subway app there, you've said everything we need to know about you as a person.

While ordering lunch together via the Subway app, he asked his wife to choose a location with a drive-thru so that they didn't need to actually go inside, which would mean them going through the rigmarole of taking their son out of his car seat and popping him straight back in He's a car seat son? However, it was at this point the man's wife dropped a revelation that genuinely worried him, telling him that, quote, it's not a big deal to leave the baby in the car to run in

and pick it up really fast. Oh my God. Now, where do you guys stand on that? Would you run into a subway, quote unquote, restaurant? If the door was locked. To leave a two-year-old or three-year-old in the car. You can go in and get it. If your eye is on the car, you can run in and get it.

Yeah, if you can see it the whole time. Absolutely. And you're talking less than two minutes. How do single parents do it? I mean, it's like, yes. My mom dragged us everywhere. Yeah, why wouldn't you take the kid in? I don't know.

But whether you did or don't, is 90 seconds to two minutes fine? You get the cars in plain view the whole time? It's fine. It's fine. I mean, I don't own a child of my own. I know, I don't either. Someday we'll buy one. I would be terrified that I would walk in and then I would have a stroke and people wouldn't realize that the baby was out there.

Oh, my God. And it would be a hot day or something like that. That's a good point. But I think that's impractical. Right. Like it is just, you know, especially when you have to like lock them into those things. They love to fight with you. Or if they're asleep.

I would say it depends on whether you have one of those like two-year-olds who's excited that they can buckle it themselves. Oh, yeah. In and out is simple and easy. Yeah, because then it becomes the activity that they want to do. So it's a kid by kid thing. But yes, I am 100% okay with you. Like our dad, and we talked about this. You guys were sleeping on the back windshield.

No, no, no. Our dad did. He sold real estate as a second job to like make some extra money for our family. And he would take us around when he was showing houses. On the weekends. On the weekends. And he would have us parked in the driveway while he's showing a house, and he would turn on the car and have it running so that we could listen to the Cardinals game.

And have the air on. Yeah, and air on so it's hot in St. Louis. We're sitting in the back of a running car. Basically, pedophiles, you want to take these two twin kids right here? They're already packaged, ready to go. Yeah. Two for one. Two for none.

It was a Monte Carlo two-door, and I said that the just he it was a monte carlo two door and i think the car with the door was too heavy for a pedophile you know taking to reddit the concerned husband wrote quote i had no idea she ever did this i told her i was not comfortable with her leaving him in the car alone even for a minute and she told me she's been doing it since he was born wow and it's always been fine, obviously. Sure. He's still here. Because he's still here.

She told me she does it to pick up food, run into the post office or pharmacy, et cetera. Get a massage. I was floored. Play some slots. We don't live in a horrible area, but it's not super safe either. I told her to not ever do this again yeah there's

a way to say it a little nicer a hundred percent although how about you say i don't feel comfortable with this i'm sorry but i would love it for me call me crazy i would say this please for me don't ever do that again a thousand times you're gonna do it 999 times i'm sure it's fine but the one time it isn't it's so far bad you lose an entire child right be bad you don't lose half a child the one bad time outweighs a million being fine successful runs you only needed to go bad once right the thing that's so hard here is like the cracks clearly inherent in this relationship. Oh, my God. Well, the subway app.

Starts with the subway app. Yes. Him having to be like, well, you can't do this. It's like, yes, it would be much better if he said like, I'm not comfortable with this. But you also sort of have to wonder if he said, I'm not comfortable with this, would she still just do it? That's right. Because he's not there. That's right.

Right. He knows her, so he has to be so didactic. They have bigger things to figure out. When I was a federal agent in Chicago in the Kuzinski building, we were like,

I don't know. It was like us and then the next tallest building where we were was the Sears Tower. We were way up there, right? Yeah. And there was a guy one day

who was like, I think I'm going to bring a parachute to the office. And this was after 9-11. Oh my God. And he was like, I like i think i'm gonna he was a really good guy a bit of a goofy uh federal agent guy but he was like i'm gonna and people were like you're gonna really bring a parachute to the office and he goes you only need to bring it once and then if you ever need it you will be glad for the day the one day you did it. So I want, you know, it sounds crazy, but like, why don't all like buildings from-

Above like the 60th floor. Above the 70th floor just have, like you have emergency stuff, a bunch of parachutes. Tons of parachutes. That was what his logic was. At this point, why would- You only need them up there once, and then they're just there. Then they're there. Right.

If you never use them, it doesn't matter. You never use them. We've just taken up some space. Right. so we don't have like extra coffee i mean the titanic was like we don't need that many lifeboats right i mean that was their thing they're like well you could have them all yeah but we don't need them but you could have had them all sure okay uh he said uh i told her never do this again after he confronted her the wife explained that she'd never stopped quote never stopped to think about the potential dangers. That's kind of dumb to say. What they also could do, every building that's super, super high.

Has a plane? No. Could have a, like, all around it, blow up, giant bouncy house. But like the thing that you have, like the stunt men. You fall 40 stories, you bounce up. When somebody's trying to commit suicide and bouncy house. But the thing that you have, like the stuntman. You fall 40 stories, you bounce up. When somebody's trying to commit suicide and the police blow up the thing. Yes.

Like at the beginning of Lethal Weapon. Thank you. It's the stuntman thing. Yes. It's Sharky's machine. Yes. Thank you. The wife said she had never stopped

to think about the potential dangers and promised she would stop doing it from then on. However, it soon became apparent that she hadn't taken his words to heart. While he was driving home from his brother's house, the dad, who goes by the username WhoCares, noticed his wife's car parked outside their local gas station. And, figuring she'd gone to get snacks, decided to pop his head into the store and say hello. That's a lie.

You know for a fact, he went there to see if she did it. First of all, I was just getting some Reese's Pieces. He's like, no you were not. He followed the F out of this one. Also, the gas station is the place where you're most allowed to leave the child in the car. And come right back out. However, after pulling up

and parking next to his wife's car, the poster was, quote, furious to see that his son had yet again been left unattended in his car seat. Even more worryingly, the car was unlocked. The enraged dad continued, quote, I don't know what came over me, but in that moment, I decided to take my son and put him into my car. He's got a car seat in there, too.

I then drove to the other side of the gas station parking lot and waited for my wife to come out. It took how long? How long do you think it took for her to come back out to the car? Your face. How long?

I'm terrified. Me too. I'm going to say 20 minutes 20 minutes Jason Sklar I'm gonna say 8 minutes 8 minutes Yeah 5 minutes

5 minutes Which by the way 5 minutes is an eternity 5 minutes is a late night Television set In a gas station Yes What?

Who needs that much time? What are you perusing? You're doing your scratchers You're scratching You're having a conversation You're heating up a burrito yeah yeah in the microwave you're helping them make more coffee going in and taking a shit right that's the thing is i mean if she had like if you had a surly two or three year old yes and you had like

intestinal discomfort i got it i'm gonna blow it out right but lock the door lock the door lock the door and keep them in there. You made too many mistakes along the way, lady. Okay, he drives to the other side of the gas station parking lot. Guy said 20 minutes. You said eight. I said eight. I said five. You said five.

It took six minutes for her to appear. Wow. Oh, my God. Still a long time. It's just enough to be too long. That's true. Six minutes is a long time. One minute, two minutes.

I'm sorry I hypoed so hard. You just have to. No, I like it. That minutes is a long time. One minute, two minutes. I'm sorry I hypoed so hard. You just have to. No, I like it. That is a very good guess. My mom used to love leaving me in the car to run into Mervin's and then not show up for an hour and a half. Wow. How old were you? I was like eight.

I mean, it was sort of like these stories only live in my mind because of the two times I pissed myself. There you go. Yes. And why I didn't just get out of the car and pee on a tree. You're a good kid. But I was too responsible. And also you were, I think a part of you was probably like, I'm going to teach this woman a lesson. I hope so.

Because it's her car. I didn't think vengefully about my mother. No, but it's. I knew to fear her. Right. But like the only way to fight back is like I can't control this. I can't think vengefully about Mother. No, but it's... I knew to fear her. Right. But the only way to fight back is like, I can't control this. With urine. I can't control this.

That's right. It took six minutes for her to appear. When she saw that he was gone, she looked stunned for a second and then started to frantically look around and cry. Now, here's the problem. Before we go a little bit farther into this. My problem with this right now is whether or not you prove your point whether or not what she did was wrong you have you have made her have the feeling that

her child is gone you had given her a heart attack show up you will never be able to not have that feeling and you are responsible whether she understands what she did or not for making her feel that way you're responsible for're responsible for the PTSD that comes after that. Number one, but he's like... Is that worth it? But he might be like, this is my only option. I'm not into kidnapping, which, by the way, we talked about this in our act.

It's also merch you guys have that you sell. First of all, I'm not into kidnapping. Not into kidnapping. But why is it napping? Like, I feel like someone was like... Someone was saying to someone else... Yeah, it should be B, right? Kidnapping.

Kidnapping. I already wrote down nap. You wrote nap? I wrote nap down. You can't change it? We can't change it because it's napping. What if it was napping and it just got changed? It's what it should have been.

I know. I feel like someone was like, well, I ain't going to. And also they say kidnapping for like when an adult gets taken. Yeah. Kid wasn't taken. But to me, the lesson that should have been taught to everyone was if he got out of his car to go to her and be like i got you i got you and in the time that he got out of his car to say this is what i think someone else takes a kid from his car that's what i think you both got got bitch

maybe i'm maybe i'm tipping my lead here but i think what you do is you don't go away and give her the feeling she's gone. You sit in the backseat of the car. Or you're just standing out by the car when she walks up and being like, six minutes? Yeah. Six minutes. That's true. You are still dickish. Yes.

But she never has any fear. You sit down low. Because doors are unlocked. You sit in the backseat and then she comes in the car. You're like, hello. That'll scare the fuck out of her forever. We also need to acknowledge he's following her. He didn't accidentally see her.

Well, you know, the rule is in relationships, you deserve to find whatever you go looking for. That's right. So if you're going through somebody's phone or you're going through somebody's personal drawer or stuff like that, you deserve to find because that's what you wanted. You deserve to find whatever you go looking for. Okay. So he says she started frantically to look around and cry. He went on to clarify he didn't let this go on for too long.

Six minutes. He allowed it. I would have gone for six minutes. And went over to show her that the child was safe and sound after she pulled out her phone, presumably to call 911. At first, his wife was, quote, extremely relieved to see that their son was of course however the relief quickly turned to anger as she took in what her husband had done

that's right explaining his drastic actions he told her she needed to learn her lesson now i know that's always good for a relationship language is not good if a dude said to you you need to learn your lesson guy well i wanted need to learn your lesson, guy. Well, I wanted you to learn your lesson. My lesson is goodbye. Goodbye. Yes. Goodbye. Right.

Out. Reminding her that she'd, quote, promised to stop leaving him in the car. He added, it was so easy for me to pull up and take him. No one else at the gas station even noticed. So if he really was taken, there would have been no help and it would have been 100% her fault. Yeah. So if he really was taken, there would have been no help and it would have been 100% her fault. However, his wife didn't quite see it that way, calling him cruel and psychotic.

The following day, she demanded an apology, which he refused, believing she should be the one asking for his forgiveness. They're both kind of right. However, he wonders whether he might have gone too far. We will end it here by me asking you guys. They didn't say that this was posted in the Am I the Asshole? Right. But I'm going to ask us, who's the more in the wrong, given the whole scope of what happened. This is really tough. Guy, what do you think?

Who is more in the wrong? The only winner here is the divorce lawyer. Thank you. That's right. And any other way. They are not staying together. No way. That poor kid.

I know. At least the kid won't remember. Jay, who do you think is in the wrong here? I think she is. I hate to say it. She's risking more. She's risking more. His communication is really the problem.

He handled it wrong. It's his biggest problem. So here's where I think he would be in the wrong more. I've thought about this the whole time. I think he's dumb. He's dumb too, but I think he'd be more in the wrong if he hadn't had

the conversation with her and just did that. Yeah, sure. So this is coming after a conversation where he was like, don't ever do that again. This is something

that I don't feel comfortable with. You are probably speaking in a better communication way than even he was. For sure. Based off of this. For sure. But either way, he made it abundantly clear to this woman

that he's not okay with this, and it's his kid too. Yeah. And so if you're a partner with someone, you have to – This is the way we view it, and this is the way we view it when we're creating – Jay and I are partners on a TV show or something. If you're on a show – I don't know if you felt this way when you were doing your show, if you are adamant about something

and you feel like it should be this way and this is it, and someone else can argue with you, but you are just adamant about it, I feel like you gotta give it to the person who's the most passionate. Well, the only thing here I think we're not hearing about

or thinking about is what's the labor breakdown here? Because if it is a situation of she's always got the kid. Always doing everything. She's the one who has to figure out how to make it work. And, you know, it's like it's very speculative, but it's not crazy to think that the mom is having to do a whole lot more. That's right. True.

Taking that kid around. I would say, look, you're right. I can't guarantee that there won't ever be a time where you just feel like it's more convenient to run in. He's got to work a full-time job and spy on her. Can you promise me this? He's got a lot of shit to do. We keep it under five, and the doors are locked. If it's over five, you've got to take him.

And now I still can't guarantee you're going to do that. But there was no measure of the threshold for taking this kid was zero. You have to. He made it clear to her that he doesn't like doing it. And then not only did she do it, but she took a long time while she was doing it. Like if he shows up and she just runs in and runs right back out, he doesn't even have time to do that. He'll still be a dick about it. He'll be like, I followed you and I saw you and I saw you did it.

And he'll call her on it. But he'll be like, I just paid and I was looking at the car the whole time and I just had to run in and do this. And like you said, Guy, I have all this stuff to do with the kid and I'm the one who has to do it. So, like, you got to give me – cut me some slack here or pay for a business. Yeah, that's story one. Wow. That's crazy. Dumb and controversial.

Stupidity, I mean, on every level. All right. Guy Brand is with us. We're going to talk about what he has going on on the other side of the break Including our stuff too, and let you know what we have It's Dumb People Town, we'll be right back Stick around Make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town

Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town That is the channel you're on On your podcast dial We have a lot of exciting things coming up And we will get to what Guy is doing Dumb People Town. Love it. That is the channel you're on on your podcast dial. We have a lot of exciting things coming up, and we will get to what Guy is doing, but first, Daniel Van Kirk is on the road. I'm on the road, yeah.

I don't know when this drops. This should drop in a few weeks. In a couple weeks, yeah. Yeah, I think I can tell everybody that the 18th through the 21st, I believe. Of May. Yeah, I'll be in Houston, Texas, headlining the Come and Take It Comedy Festival,

as well as doing a live- Have you done that? No. It's a great festival. Live pen pals withlining the Come and Take It Comedy Festival. Great festival. Have you done that? No. It's a great festival. Live pen pals with Rory Scovel. It's super, super fun. Some other great comics are going to be there. You can go to Come and Take It Comedy HTX or just go to DanielVanKirk.com to get your

individual tickets or your pass. It's great because, as you guys know, and Guy, I'm going to talk to them about having you on. Everything happens in one location, so it's not like you're never the whole like seeing comics before they run into the it's all there it's all like a huge outdoor venue then you've got a smaller other room and then another and then i got other dates coming up and obviously all the digital stuff that i do with bingo and things like that and the cookies oh my god i know you guys are gonna get some i already talked to him yesterday what's this cookie story i's his cookie story? I'll get you some.

I would love to give you some. I need to know more about this. My family has this cookie recipe that they've had for five generations. There's no measurements or anything. It's not really known how it's made. And I've partnered with a bakery in Arkansas called Three Best Bakery. Which, by the way, is part of – so when we started doing online shows, like at Nowhere Comedy Club and stuff like that,

and Dan started doing his virtual shows, we got fans from our fans. We kind of saw our fans. You do a meet and greet before and afterwards, and you're like, oh, these are three women who own a bakery in Arkansas. Here's a couple up in Maine,

and here's a woman in Ireland who writes in and we find it. And then they became friends. So they started supporting each other, and then we met these people. Yeah, now Suze, she runs the bakery all herself. She even became friends with Chris Sullivan and started sending him cookies. And he ordered cookies for Chris.

Anyway, so I partnered with her. And she worked with me and my family to learn actually how does cookies get made. Like how do you do this? And so she made them. And now we're selling them. You'll be able to get them for like all events throughout the year, plus just standard cookies. I think they should be called Dan Van Cookies. That was an idea.

I'm not going to. It was with a K. Dan Van Cookies? It was. It was. But they're called Hub City Cookies. That's great. And they're my family's recipe.

What a cool thing. This is going to sound corny, and then I'll stop with all my talking. But when I was like 18 years old, I've believed, like I've loved these cookies so much and they're different. They look like sugar cookies. They're not sugar cookies. You had a cookie vision? No, I said to my mom, I was like, mom, the internet is like happening. Like you could sell these, like you could sell these to people and people would buy them. My mom's, she had a little business where she like sold pies for holidays to people and she's a really good baker and it never happened. And when I met Susan and became friends with her and Three Best Bakery, I was like, could this be the way people finally get to do it?

Childhood dream. I swear to God, I'll have some sent to you. I cannot wait. They're wonderful. Go to threebestbakery.com. I love it. Hey, we're going to be in, I don't know if this drops before. This may not drop before.

If we might have just come from Portland. This would probably drop the first week of May if I had to guess first or second week but that's still this is that week yeah

so later this week I think we'll be in Portland at Helium which I know you've been one night one night show Thursday night

one show so let's sell it out and then the next two nights we're in Seattle at the Crocodile which is a very cool rock club have you done it

yeah you did fun did you like it yeah it was a good time. Yeah, I'm excited. So we have two shows Friday, two shows Saturday. That's May 12th in Portland, 13th and 14th will be in Seattle.

So check that out. What about you? Oh, everything I can think of to promote happens before this comes out. Oh, God damn it. I'll be at the High Plains Comedy Festival in Denver at some point in time during the summer. Great. Can't wait. It's a girl fest.

But the thing I have to promote is at the September 30th Bros, which is Billy Eichner's romantic comedy is coming out. Yeah. And I'm in that. So please remember to go see that movie. Fuck yeah. But to keep up to date on all your date stuff,

social media or your website or what? Oh, I am at Guy Branum across all media platforms. And my website is GuyBranum.com. Perfect. Just kept updated by someone. I'm not sure. Follow him. Support him.

Just go see him when he does comedy. All right. Daniel, we got another story. You ready for this one? Yes. This story is so much fun. Okay. I literally thought about putting a pin in it for a live episode.

Okay. But I thought the four of us would... I didn't want to pass up getting to do it with Guy. Okay. This was sent in by Rayal, at Rayal64, R-E-Y-A-L-64. This is Superman's daughter who he knows and talks to. Or the handle should be Rayal with cheese. Ready for this headline?

Right? Rayal with cheese. Loud sex is ruining hundreds of New Yorkers' lives. I love this so much. The steamiest sex in the city scenes aren't on HBO. They're getting called into the city's 311 system. Oh, my God. New Yorkers made how many sex complaints over the past year to the non-emergency hotline?

And then we are going to run through the highlights of sex complaints in Manhattan, or actually all over the five-year-old. Are you saying put a number on this? How many sex complaints do you think they got in the last year? So if I was calling in- I'll tell you this. It's under 1,000. Dan, before I do this, if I was calling in a sex complaint, this is how I would call it in.

Oh, God. This is the worst sex. Oh, my God. I hear this so much. I hope that is how you have sex. How many? Aggressively. It sounds like you're trying to move a dresser.

I'm going to call you guys. Move a dresser. I'm calling you right now. I'm calling in. You're about to drop a box. All right. So how many complaints do they get? Less than 1,000, but how many?

650. 650. You're going to go $650? I love the precision. It's so good. I was going to say, $512? $481.

New Yorkers made more than $276 over the past year. That's still a lot. Reports included everything from backyard orgies to the sounds of, quote, lots of backyard in New York. Thank you. Thank you.

The worst part is you're having to watch people in Queens fuck. That's right. Sure. The worst. Reports. Backyard. Everything from backyard orgies to sounds of, quote, this is one of the complaints, loud, ruthless sex.

Ruthless. See, that's very Manhattan. Penthouse. Loud, ruthless sex. Ruthless. See, that's very Manhattan. Penthouse. Ruthless. It's pent up and it's penthouse. To the grunts of what one caller described as a, quote, sexual tyrannosaurus, according to records reviewed by the Post. Why?

In a couple of years, will it be extinct? You mean Jurassic Pork? There you go. Okay. That's Klar Brothers. One desperate Bronx woman told 311 in a 6 a.m. complaint in this January, quote, Listen, I am a Christian woman. Help this girl stop having loud sex before God does.

Oh, God. What does that even mean? Let God handle it. Is that a threat? Let Jesus take the wheel. I mean, this is like- The feel. It makes me worried about all of the condo converts that are going on in Brooklyn.

Clearly, these things are being built by the mob without enough insulation. That's right. We can hear all this stuff. Thank you. Soundproof. But she's bringing God into it. Like when there was only one set of footprints on the ceiling, that's when Jesus flipped her over. Is this weird?

The calls and online submissions came between February 19th, 2021. I'll show you an online submission. To February 9th, 2022. So they start after Valentine's Day and they finish right before Valentine's Day. I feel like Valentine's Day is where you're going to get the most. Is that because they don't want that surplus number? But also, it's like during the height of the pandemic, you can only make so much sourdough. Thank you.

These people were entertaining themselves and staying in their homes. Something else has to rise in your house. The calls were from all five boroughs and involved people describing all manner of carnal depravity while going through the apartments next door, in their building stairways, and even right outside their window. Listen, I don't even like to hear conversations next door. You know what I mean? Like when someone's like, our neighbor's talking too loud, I'm like, shut up.

But honestly- Sexual warnings coming up for anybody with the kids. Yeah, but if someone's doing it for like three minutes or four minutes, you can be like- Let it ride out. All right, just let it go. There's a moment that you're like, at least they're having fun. Fine. Yes.

Good and great. At least someone's having fun. And then you're like, all right, let's move on. And also, I always am so scared about good Manhattan real estate that no one's actually enjoying it. It's just owned by a Saudi prince who's only there two weeks out of the year. Right. Anytime I walk past a brownstone that's $6 million and I see somebody just watching King of Queens,

I'm like, yes. They are living in it. Now imagine that same walk and you look to your left and there's people just having couch sex. And you'd be like, love your place. Love your place. Enjoy it. Yes.

Have fun. Be loud. Be loud. So in the last year, New Yorkers made more than 270 calls to the 3-1 hotline to complain about their neighbors having loud sex. Things like, quote, orgy going on in the backyard, boobs and penis being flashed on the street. A Queens resident yelled at 1 a.m. in June. Yelled.

1 a.m. in June. In June. God, that's hot. Well, 1 a.m. is when you got to do it outside because it's so hot in New York. Also, orgies are good for our economy. Thank you. There's a lot of prep that has to go on. Think of all the local businesses that are supported by all those Ubers that got taken to that destination.

A wordsmith from Brooklyn complained in August well past midnight, quote, there is an obese gay man splashing his Latino lover's cheeks with his man syrup. I'm going to let you hit it. We were in the moment. Right? Can't you let me have my moment? And by the way, three bakeries.

This isn't for you, Michael. Go away. Three Best Bakery. Three Best Bakery is selling man syrup. Guy's man syrup. It's my family recipe. It's an old family recipe. We don't even know how it gets made.

But this is what bothers me. If it's just hot people fucking in the standard hotel, you just look and enjoy. That's behind the front desk when you check in. Yes. But if somebody doesn't meet your aesthetic standards, oh, suddenly, to call 3-1-1 right which is also bullshit because to me just a big beautiful gay man splashing his latino lover's cheeks that's what summer is about in new york to me that's literally the that's better than the fireworks over uh the east river it's it may be just holdover celebration of the puerto rican Parade. One Bronx local said his neighbors were having, quote, loud and ruthless sex in the middle of the afternoon,

while a Manhattan resident complained of a sex tea party next door, referencing gay slang for crystal meth, tea, or Tina. That is all news to me. Isn't that just regular slang? I mean, look, let's be fair. Those guys who are on meth, they go for a long time. Yes. And they clean the apartment, too. I've never heard of a tea party, but I'm glad to learn.

The records, first obtained through the Freedom of Information Act, love when things are used for this. That's your tax dollars at work, guys. Made by Patch and then provided to the Post, are full of grumpy New Yorkers who say their neighbors are taking their city that never sleeps expression Who's the woman

who did the HBO special that just made Martin Scorsese crack up all the time? Oh, Fran Lebowitz. Fran Lebowitz. Pretend it's a city. I'm willing to bet that 197 of these calls

are from her. No, no, no. I think Fran Lebowitz is like one of the people having sex? is like messed up orgies. That's what New York

used to be. That's what it used to be. Let me walk over to this piece of the model and show you this is where this happened. Pretend it's a titty. At Sklar Brothers. Wait, we didn't come up with that. No, you get the thumbs up. Here's another one. Quote,

this apartment always has loud moaning from the female occupant while having intercourses. You don't need to pluralize it. I should read the full quote altogether. By the way, while having intercourse. Intercourse is the plural of intercourse. She had a lot of intercourse.

This apartment always has loud moaning from the female occupant while having intercourses. It's hard for a lonely neighbor to get a good night's sleep. I know. Why'd you have to add that part? I know. Listen, it's also hard for the woman who's having the intercourses it's hard for a lonely neighbor to get a good night's sleep i know why'd you have to add that part i know listen it's also hard for the woman who's having the intercourses it's also hard for the guy who's hard in order to have the intercourse that was written by a downtrodden queens man at almost 4 a.m downtrodden queens man uh-huh great down to that and queen man's you're on with larry king you're on with guy branum. Also, I do respect that it is the

hardworking immigrants of Queens who are bringing this woman to orgasm over and over again. Thank you. No one gives them enough credit. Goddamn Tennessee Williams play. One Brooklyn resident told 311 that Carnal Moans kept him up well into the night and he lost his job because of oversleeping. That is going so far.

That is so New York to be like, I'm going to take it to the nth degree. And you know what? I lost my job. Was it because you weren't competent at your job? No, I wasn't getting enough sleep. Another Brooklynite said it was once impossible to access their apartment without walking through eight to nine people having an orgy in the staircase. Wow.

That's a fun community building. Yeah, that seems like an amenity. That's the mixer for that building. Like we have a cold room for when they drop off your groceries. And there's a stairwell orgy. Yes. Sorry, I just need to get – I have an Amazon package that's right between the butt cheeks that are getting splashed. I'll just say it never got delivered.

Quote, I've slept through earthquakes and fires in my life, but I couldn't sleep through this, a different resident said. Oh, my God. A person in Queens, we're back in Queens, said a neighbor- We get it. You lived in California. Like, everyone's like, we're sick of hearing about how you were, all the great food in San Francisco.

A person in Queens said a neighbor was, quote, shouting loudly that he is a sexual Tyrannosaurus. There you go. Please make him stop, they begged. While police investigated all the complaints, the records show almost all were made in vain. There you go. Tell me about it. Tell me about it. If you are a sexual Tyrannosaurus, you are a carnalvore. There you go. I got there.

We got there. And you're soon to be extinct. I know. Two were categorized as gone on arrival, and three were referred to another agency, but 311 records didn't say which. Three more were labeled as other without more details. I wish there was. One address in Broad Channel, Queens, received more than 50 complaints in the past year, but the homeowner insists his family is being pranked and harassed. A series of grievances lodged by an anonymous person what is truth what is truth at this point

it's your truth who do you believe yeah yeah yeah they listed a whole bunch of stuff that they have done but they said none of that is true uh the person said where was i mean because you could just call up and say this is happening next door and just sick people yeah the person said it's all false i have two young children none of this is happening in my house they're like i'm sure the cops are like we believe the two young children came from somewhere let's be fair okay how do they get here twice right they were it happened twice imagine getting conceived in an orgy you have no idea we had a joke about that the family says the police have been to their house multiple times to respond to the allegations and records show all complaints against the house have been marked unfounded or

unnecessary. But back in the Bronx, a neighbor said that in April 2021, when the final COVID-19 stimulus checks were being sent to Americans, he heard banging and loud moaning followed by the line, quote, how's this stimmy, baby? But if it wasn't for this Bronx, the rap shit probably never would be going

on. So tell me where you're from. Come on. Uptown, baby. We're going to get sued. One Manhattanite even complained his neighbors perverted Christmas carols during their dalliance. Quote, some guy is singing jingle bells at the top of his voice. On the first day of Christmas, my boyfriend gave to me. I warned everybody about this sort of stuff.

Some guy is singing jinglele Bells at the top of his voice while another person... Jingle Balls. Yeah. Is screaming, Yes, Daddy, come down my chimney. The complaint was made on December 23rd, 2021. What orifice is that? Because it starts up top. Come down my chimney.

No, it's got to be... Well, it depends on how you're positioned. You've got more of a wheelbarrow. I've got milk and Dan Van Kirk's family cookies. I got Hub City cookies and milk. Hub City cookies. If you come down my chimney. So the guy goes, he said that that's what they were saying. It was made on December 23rd, 2021.

We'll get out of here on this. He said, it is too late for this shit. It has been going on for hours, and I'm tired of hearing these people singing Christmas carols while they have sex all day. Nothing would make me feel cozier or more seasonal than people having a very holiday orgy. Unless it's in July. If you're doing Christmas in July, then I have an issue. You know why they call them chestnuts? Because I'm putting them on your chest.

Let her blow, let her blow, let her blow. I mean, I would infinitely rather have that than Hanukkah fucking that lasts eight days. Thank you. Fair enough, fair enough. Well, the Hanukkah fucking is only supposed to last one day, and then it just magically kept going. There you go. It's a little bit of sex each night. Maybe one night you get a big thing.

And one night you just get socks. To come in. Instead of sex, you get socks. All right, that's story number two. Holy crap, that was one of my favorite ones we've ever done on this show. That was a good story. Give us a little taste of what we're going to get in. Instead of sex, you get touched. that's story number two. Holy crap, that was one of my favorite ones we've ever done on this show. That was a good story. Give us a little taste of what we're going to get

in segment three. It's actually, it's some more lovemaking, but in public. Oh, public lovemaking. Guy Branum is with us and for our Patreon fans,

we're going to ask him about something dumb he either witnessed or he himself was partook in or was a party of or victim of. We'll do that

for our Patreon family. If you're not joined our Patreon, you need to. What are you doing? So much great extra content for you. There's that and Patreon episodes and all that fun stuff. We'll be right back with more WDOT. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town.

All right, Daniel, take us home. Ready? Sent in by our friend Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen. Honorary producer. A couple are spotted having sex in the city center water fountain. Oh, my God. It's not just public. In the fountain.

What city? Yeah, right? Here, we're going to find out. This comes from The Sun, UK News. I don't know what it says, to be honest. Okay, we'll get there. I'm sure they'll see it. I mean, the thing is, is I say, if this is Indianapolis or below, you're doing a service

to the community by giving their- Opening people's minds. Oh, it's in Perth. Oh. All right, so this is in Australia, so they're drunk. Yes. I mean, that's the thing. We can't expect more from Australians.

Their job is to be hot and hopefully fuck. Yeah, that's right. Fuck and drunk. That's what an Australian is, straight out the womb. This is... Go ahead. Sorry. No, never.

I was at the improv, and I was doing crowd work, a bit that you guys saw too many times this weekend. Which I love. But I need somebody to have like a day job. And I asked somebody his name and he responded in an Australian accent. And it was like, just going from zero to you don't have a real job. Like, oh, no, you're an actor. So instead of asking any of the intermediate questions, I was just like,

which Australian soap opera were you on? That's it. Neighbors or Home and Away. And he was like, I was on Neighbors. And I was like, of course. There's nothing that makes me happier than the fact that the hottest people in Australia are on soap operas

and then come to LA to make it. And then they come to my neighborhood and work at my gym. Some of them succeed, but most of them work at my gym. There's a lot of non-Hemsworths. Yes, that's right. Only a couple of rooms adjacent. They said, this is the moment. Hems not worth it.

This is the moment a randy couple was spotted having sex in the city center water fountain. I will show you guys the photo. Oh, my. They're treating it like a hot tub. I guess every fountain in Australia in the summertime is a hot tub. These guys are going... It's also in front of a thing called Yagen

Square Restaurants and Bars. There's people all around. Do you think they were on enough meth that they didn't notice or do you think that they are just young and hot enough that they were intoxicated by their own hotness? I don't know if they're hot. Definitely.

They're definitely altered in an altered state. They're drunk. If you've ever seen, like, I don't know if you guys know, but I went to Burning Man. What? Everyone knows. People who haven't met you know. I walked into a, we were like, it was like a nighttime thing.

I walked into this place that was a pop-up restaurant thing. I looked to my right and there's just two people having sex. I'm like, this is Burning Man and it is kind of shocking. It caught you off guard? The joke I made that no one laughed at around me. I was like, I'll have what she's receiving.

That's great. Do you guys have a lunch portion of that? Box it up. I think he needs a doggy style bag. The middle-aged pair. They were doing it back. The middle-aged pair were pictured romping in the middle of the day in Jagen. Guys, I don't know.

I've never been there. A square perked in front of stunned shoppers. The couple, a tattooed man and a woman who appears to be wearing a bathing suit, apparently jumped in the fountain and started having sex. These are my favorite dares. There's nothing worse than hippies who are happy with their lives. Love it. They just, so much joy between them.

Yeah, and patchouli. These people are like, we are, it doesn't matter. We're giving everyone a gift. The photo was shared on social media with the caption, Those of you whom were having a feed at Yagen Square today and witnessed this, please note there are support services available to help you process the trauma. I think that's a joke. The post has gathered thousands of comments with the majority of users joking about the incident.

Someone said, It's a little odd, but I wouldn't be offended. Motels are overrated and overpriced. Another person said, And none come with a water feature as good as this. Happy days. I threw a penny at him and said, I wish they would stop. Every

Starbucks has a bathroom that locks. Thank you. And that's the thing. I'll do. Just get the code. Thank you. This gives new meaning to down under. Yeah. Last month, another couple were caught having sex against the back door of a pub next to the town's welcome sign. Welcome to Per welcome to perth a one population and then add another number then it just it closes us out by giving us some other times this recently happened a woman in the u.s

appeared in court after she was caught having sex with a man on the grass verge outside homes is that just a yard i've never seen verge a pair of sc Scots porn stars were blasted after shooting an X-rated romp in a historic Greyfriars Kirkyard in Edinburgh. Jesus Christ. Yes. Scottish porn. Scottish porn. Also in like an old church yard.

Yeah, exactly. That sounds spooky. Rachel McIntyre. They were ghosts. I think this is them. Rachel McIntyre and Josh Duncan, both 32, shared footage of them laughing and having sex against a headstone. But Rachel, who shares adult content on her OnlyFans, in case anybody wanted to look her up, said,

we don't see it as disrespectful. It happens all the time in the graveyard. It's just most people don't film it. I don't know that it happens all the time in a graveyard. But I do believe most people don't film it. I wonder why I'm sure someone has done this, had sex on the grassy knoll in Dallas and said there's a second shooter

coming from the other side. That's a Bukkake. That's the conspiracy. All right. There you go. That's a show, my friend. That is a show. Guy Branum, at Guy Branum

across all social media platforms. He's going to be in a movie coming out this... End of September. End of September. In High Plains. And then everything else at Guy Brandham. High Plains, bros, and just follow him on social media. See him when he's live because his stand-up is so good and you guys will love it. Oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb