Dumb People Town - Hampton Yount - Jiminy Cracket

Episode Date: April 9, 2019

This week Hampton Yount joins the show!In Story 1 we have a completely naked woman who chases a would-be lover across the road.In a Stitcher Premium Exclusive segment, Story 2 brings us a town that could vote into reality a sex doll brothel... or two.Story 3 is the tale of an Australian man precariously wedged in a drain.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town

Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town Population Yunt Population Yunt Hampton Y yunt. Come on and do the hampton, hampton. Come on and do the hampton, hampton. All right, stop what you're doing, because I hate this song now.

It was a one-hit wonder. What a wonder. No, Digital Underground actually did some stuff. I bet they're still there to it. Yeah, their next hit was Tupac. No. Tupac Shakur's career. Did they hit him?

He was in them originally. He was like the backup, right? He was. He was. Can you believe it? And the sound comes down from the underground. Hampton, what's up, buddy? Hey, guys.

Hey, buddy. It's so good to have you back. Hey, townies. Hey, town folk. Well, you are one of our- Townie favorites. Townie favorites. We love having you back.

We get to promote. you have a new album out called Able. Thank you. Explain how the title came to be. A lame joke to myself. I have two other albums. The albums are Unbearable, and then Bearable, and then Able.

That is so awesome. And then the next album, just bull. Bull. Bull. Yeah, it's a 10-year-long joke for no one. No, for the person who's going to listen to this podcast and go buy all three. It was out of spite, actually,

where that's how I named the first one because I had my first joke that ever worked was like super hacky and relied on like a bear pun where you're breaking up with a girl and you give her like a breakup stuff bear that says, you're unbearable. Right. And like, yeah, all the shitheads. And then like my friends would joke, they'd be like, are you going to close on that for your album? And I was like, fuck, you know, I'm going to title it that.

That's right. Even better. Even better. Well, I love that it's playing itself out. Well, we'll get into it a little bit more and where people can get it. But, hey, we are in Dumb People Town. The world is getting dumber as we speak. Just in your description of your albums and how you came up with your title, it's almost like you've simplified it for the dumb world. The world's just got 3% dumber, and we have to attack it.

Daniel, do we have a story? Let's jump right in. We do. Ready? This was sent in by John McClelland. I heard the McClelland clan. MCC. L? This was sent in by John McClelland. Hmm. MCC. I used to watch the McClelland group on Sunday mornings all the time. The McClellands

definitely, he and his family definitely are fighting the government about keeping their farmland. You can't have it! My boy, he's got no arms! He's got no brains! He's functionally retarded! Sir, that has nothing to do with your farmland Sir

He's just complaining to the government No one is arguing on all of those points He's a firefighter But fuck it he wants to be a dancer These are all reasons why You won't be farming You're less capable of farming Don't tell me me business boy

He's got a short man You're less capable of... Don't tell me me business, boy! He's got a short man. Okay. We're taking the land. I'm sorry. It's John McClellan at JohnMc71. Thanks, buddy. That's JohnMC71.

Here we go, buddy. A woman apparently didn't want her would-be lover to leave their motel room Saturday night in Manchester Township. England? This is from the AZ Central, so I guess Arizona. Arizona. The furthest away from Mary Old England. What an oxymoron. Manchester, Arizona.

Well, the other part of it is she doesn't want the would-be lover to leave their motel room. Would-be lover. Motel room. Motel room is a very key detail. And would-be. It's kind of when you put it... Individually, you could...

There's... Dan, I know you're... Innocence, but combined would-be lover and motel room, you're a third of the way through No Country for Old Men. Dan, aren't you... You're a Chicago fan.

You love the band Chicago. Isn't that a Chicago song? And I'll meet you later. You're my motel lover. I think it's motel lover. You're my motel lover. You're my would-be motel lover. 25 of 6 inside 4.

Does motel make the crime more severe? Like hotel, it's assault. But then if it's motel, it's aggravated assault. Like they tack on stuff based off of it. This is the order. It goes hotel, motel, then holiday inn. Hotel. If you're a cop, hotel, hand on baton.

Motel, hand on gun. That's right. That's right. Hannah, it's a motel. Set your phasers to tase. Oh my God. You committed this crime in a Holiday Inn. We're giving you the electric chair.

Electric chair. You're like, but it was mail fraud. Holodome, kill him on the spot. I've got to read these first two sentences together because it's written. It gets very conversational and only makes sense if you hear them back to back. A woman apparently really didn't want her would-be lover to leave their hotel room Saturday night in Manchester Township. We're talking, chase you across Route 30 while drunk and naked, didn't want him to leave,

according to police. By the way, that is very attractive in a woman. We're also not talking. You're writing. You're writing. We're not talking. By the way, some things you should look forward to. If you're a journalist and you use the phrase, we're right. We're not talking. By the way. Some things you should look forward to. If you're a journalist and you use the phrase, we're talking.

Like, I wouldn't even use that in an Applebee's commercial. We're talking $9 ribs on a Friday. All buffalo sliders you can handle. We're talking patty shakes. Don't look up the Applebee's we're talking menu. Whiskey corn dogs. We're talking. Because when you're eating, we're talking menu. Whiskey corn dogs. We're talking. Because when you're eating, we're talking.

Applebee's new slogan. When you're eating, we're talking. We're forcing food through the talking. Applebee's. Because when you don't want to be talking and sitting with people who talk too much, you're talking. All the Applebee's classic conversations

like, hey, what's that shit on the wall? Well, we're talking. Moose with sunglasses, we're talking fun. When you're divorcing, we're talking. Me and your mom, we're talking. I mean, we're yelling.

We're still talking. It's not over. We're still talking, Applebee's. Your mother and I, we're yelling. We're still talking. It's not over. We're still talking. Applebee's. Your mother and I, we're still talking. It's just your mother and I are still talking. Applebee's. Are you guys going to make it, Dad?

We're talking. We're talking. Why don't you be eating and we're talking? Applebee's. So that is very colloquial. We're talking chase you across Route 30 while drunk and naked didn't want would-be lover to leave according to police.

Which I wish they'd put in quotes because that'd be great if that's what the cops actually said. What happened, officer? We're talking chase you across Route 30 while drunk and naked. It's the type of stuff that the cops put on their face. I love this. And completely naked is in quotes. And completely naked unless It's the type of stuff that the cops put on their face. I love this. And completely naked is in quotes. And completely naked

unless you count the blue socks Carrie Sue Smith was wearing. The blue socks Carrie Sue Smith. Carrie Sue Smith. It's my favorite Kathleen Turner movie. It's like a Dr. Seuss character. Carrie Sue Smith wore her blue socks. Carrie Sue Smith fought a gox.

Ran after the cox. Carrie Sue Smith fought a gox. Ran after the cox. Carrie Sue Smith. This sounds like love. This sounds like true love. Also, if you put the right comma in there, it could be a sentence to someone named Smith. Carrie Sue Smith. Carrie Sue Smith.

Carrie Sue Smith. And it's exactly how you expect to spell it K-E-R-R-I K-E-R-R-I Which is not I've never seen S-I-O-U-X Yes

The lady of Manchester Doth pursue the scoundrel The lady of Manchester, Arizona I love that she got her blue socks on Yeah By the way, which means That's what she was wearing when she was like, let's do this. Which also means she picked those. You pick blue socks.

You put on black socks, you put on white socks, you pick your blue socks. Or they choose you, Dan. You leave your socks on while doing it. You can leave your socks on. There it was. He put the ball on the tee and they stepped up to it with two bats. You can leave your hat on. Remember when we had this whole conversation on here?

Yes. You can leave your hat on. By the way, one person granting another person permission for what to wear. Right. Seems like the power, you see the power right there. You can leave your motorcycle helmet on. In fact, you do.

You can leave your sombrero on. That's a great Randy Newman. You can leave your motorcycle helmet on, is what they say. It's what whoever is making love to someone from Daft Punk does. Oh, 100%. Police were called to the area about 11.11 Punk. That's right. Oh, 100%. Leave it on. Police were called to the area about 11, 11 p.m.

Make a wish. Dreams come true. Do you wish it to come true? I wish I could see a naked woman in blue socks running across the highway. My wish? No socks.

I wish a real journalist would write this article. As for comics, if you did not, like it wasn't an emergency. Certainly if you're by yourself and you see a woman chasing a guy in nothing but blue socks across the

highway, do you go back? Do you loop back? You always loop back. I would be like, we have to see where this goes. You would go out and help her. How's it going over here? Are you having a good time? You getting them? Guys know where the bank is?

Who's winning tag? I guess it's like if you had literally anything else going on I'd be like, nah, fuck it. But like, I guess if you have absolutely nothing going on you're like, let's go solve this crime. Police were called to the area

about 11, 11 p.m. after a man driving west on Route 30 called 911 to say he saw a man being chased by a woman who was naked into the Manchester Crossroads parking lot, documents state. Once police caught up to the pair. Now they're together. Now they're together. Oh, I skipped a part. After we found out Carrie Sue Smith was wearing socks.

Here's the next part. I skipped a part. Okay. After we found out Carrie Sue Smith was wearing socks, here's the next part of the whole. Northern York County Regional Police arrested Carrie Sue Smith of no fixed address. She's a floater. She's a floater. She's a drifter.

And this is who she was chasing. She belongs to the earth. If this were improv, we would- She's outside the system. We would heighten her name. She was chasing Dante Eugene Hedgepath. The third? Dante Eugene Hedgepath. Of Manchester, Arizona.

Dante Eugene Hedgepath. P-E-T-H. Hedgepath. The one and the same. Esquire. Hedgepeth? Good sir. I said good day, ma'am.

I said good day. How many people have in his life said to him, Hedgepeth, you've done it again. You've drank all the serum. You forgot to pick up your kids. Hedgepeth, you diabolical. You're late for a walk again. But it's like, Hedgepeth, you diabolical. You're late for a walk again. But it's like, Hedgepeth, get your hands out of the turlet.

You're being promoted to swing shift. Hedgepeth, get the strawberry salt. Another person is puked. Gather the phosphorus, Hedgepeth. We're making meth. The phosphorus. Dante, Eugene Hedgepeth of York. They found the two of them.

They were found in a parking lot in the southwest corner of Arsenal Road. I mean, Arsenal in Manchester. This is England. This is England. You think it is? Yes. I think they're reporting on something that's happening. You're telling me that azcentral.com is picking up.

Maybe it's possibly because... Az AZ Central is probably a British paper. We're not... It's Arizona. All of our fans in England are yelling at us right now, being like, AZ Central. You know what I say? Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening.

We appreciate you. Thank you for your service. Thank you for your service. Southwest corner of Arsenal Road and West 11th Avenue in Manchester Township. Police were called to the area. Like I said, 11-11. They were in the Manchester Crossroads parking lot.

Once police caught up to the pair, Hedgepeth told police he knew Smith from high school and that they had gotten a motel room together at the Super 8 Motel on 40 Arsenal Road. You still think this is... No, it's Arizona. I'm going back to Arizona. It's the Super 8 Motel on 40 Arsenal Road. You still think this is... No, it's Arizona. I'm going back to Arizona. It's the Super 8! No! Hedge piss, you stout fire.

Yeah, it was very much. It's another banger in the mouth. While in the room, Smith began, quote, acting crazy. This is according to Hedge Pass, so take that with a grain of two salt. That's right. And he's seen some

crazy in his life. Remember, this is what I love. They knew each other in high school. They knew each other from high school. And that they had gotten a motel room together. That is a flame you held onto for a long time and then decided to not burn bright. That's right. That's one where the wick is wet. We've got to let

it dry a little bit before we can relight it. While in the room, Smith began acting crazy, professing her love for Hedgepeth and said they were going to, quote, have kids and start a life together. Hell yeah. You got to marry that girl. I mean, you waited this long. It's high school. Wait a second.

You want to tie me down? Get me over there. You've carried this love since high school. Let's get to it. Kids, married, blue socks, motel love since high school. Let's get to it. Kids, married, blue socks, motel. Let's go. One thing guys love when taking a woman to a motel is talking about the plans. Yeah.

Oh, baby, I want to have so many opportunities with you. Come on, come on. Let's get to that motel and let's start talking about preschools. Let's just bang it out and in 30 years we'll be arguing about laundry. Yes. I don't know. Where do you want to eat? I want to eat where you want to eat.

Let's have those arguments. I guess let's just stay in. We always stay in. Oh, hell yeah. I don't want to go there because you want me to want to go there. I just want to go there. Ah, now you're talking. Hedgepeth stated that Smith's behavior began to, quote, freak him out.

Just me, but I feel like Hedgepeth might have commitment issues. Maybe. All she wanted to do was just discuss how they wanted to raise their children using the Rye method. And now, all of a sudden, he's freaked out. It's weird. Sometimes it's not the right time for love. Yes.

You gotta let your heart out. He told Smith he was leaving. Look, I hear you on the marriage stuff. it's not the right time for love. Yes. So you got to let your heart out. He told Smith he was leaving. Look, I hear you on the marriage stuff. I'm leaving. I hear you on all that. I need to let you know I'm leaving. I'll pay for half the motel. Here's $15.

That's half of the motel. Which I think Hedgepeth probably considered himself like, I did her right. I didn't even tell my kids when I left. And I told her I am leaving and not coming back. This feels like the beginning of the romantic comedy where we're meeting the male lead. This is the first thing where it's like, oh, Jesus.

Wow, I feel good. He's going to run down the street while the girl's chasing him. Think of how great their meet-and-greet is going to be. How'd you guys meet, Mom and Dad? High school, actually. We planned you right away. Julia Roberts is the runaway bride.

I'd watch this movie. Hedgepeth stated that Smith's behavior began to freak him out, so he told Smith he was leaving. Hedgepeth stated that Smith followed him into the lobby of the hotel completely naked and was screaming for him to come back. Are we really going to call a motel like that a lobby? Can't we just say pass the front desk? It's not a lobby.

Right. The area where the brochures are. This isn't a lobby. If there are more than five brochures, it is not a lobby. If the Continental Breakfast has no seats, it's not a lobby. The place where the guy gives you the key, that's what you could call it. If you open the door and within two steps, you're at the desk. Yeah.

It's not a lobby. The continental breakfast plates are the brochures. If the restaurant are two vending machines, it's not a lobby. Lobby audiences around America. If there's two other people in there and all the seats are taken, it's not a lobby. All right. If anything happens through a window.

Okay, so. Not a lobby. Not a lobby. So Hedgepest stated that Smith followed him to the lobby completely naked and screaming for him to come back. Are you think she's surprised that this didn't work? On some level, he has to think. But at one point,

I'm going to double down so hard, they're going to start loving me. If you're ever naked and yelling, you've lost. Yeah, open heart. I'm just going to give it all. Give it all. Give it my all.

This is my America's got love. If he doesn't believe in love now, he will when I'm blue socked and naked in the quote unquote lobby. Get ready. Get ready for how much you're about to love me. I'm sorry. Are you inviting me to take my business out into the streets?

Because here we go. Honest question. You guys are married, been married for quite a while, right? You made humans because of it. Have you ever gotten into an argument naked? No. No. I don't think you can win.

No. You can't. You immediately put clothes on. You've never been changing and found yourself naked in a discussion with your wife? Like an argument about? No. You just start putting clothes back on. I'm putting everything on.

If you want to win an argument in your own room, you got to just put on a parka. You know what I mean? Start putting everything on. Put something on. I mean, yeah. At least a shirt. Just Donald Duck it. When then you start arguing. Donald Duck it.

Top, no bottom. You have an out Duckett work when then you start arguing. You have an out at any point. You're taking this serious. It's kind of the genius part of forgetting Sarah Marshall when he has that like naked. Yeah, but they don't really have a fight. He just gets dumped. Naked follows

him in the lobby completely naked screaming for him to come back. He ran out of the super eight. So I imagine walked the hallway, stopped in the lobby, then ran out. Took three steps and ran out of the lobby. With Smith's walked out of his door to the outside. Exactly. It's a motel.

They almost had to go to the lobby. Right. If you have to walk, if your walk to the lobby is outside. If it involves a parking lot and looking at a dog or a squirrel outside. Unless the room's in his name. She freaks him out. He leaves, goes to the quote-unquote

lobby for no other reason than to make sure the incidentals don't get put on his card. I'm leaving. You need to transfer stuff to her. You'll see. She's going to be here in about two seconds. She's trying to raise a family in that motel room. I'm going to tell you, she does not have a card on her person, and you know why.

That we know of. She's already taken three things out of the minibar. I'll see you later. Hot on his heels. He runs out. Smith is hot on his heels. Apparently, as she followed him through the parking lot and across Arsenal Road, that's Route 30, still completely naked.

Searching Hedgepath, police naked. Searching Hedgepath, police found... Searching Hedgepath, amazing movie. Unbelievable. That's a new movie. It's the Finding Forrester of movies. Searching Hedgepath. Who's the man now, Hedgepiff? I don't know, this cop frisking me? You the

man now, dog. Finding Forrester, that was a deep cut. You the man now dog Finding Forrester That was a deep cut You the man now dog is We're calling the drug sniffing dog now man Searching Hedgepap Police found an open bottle of Grey Goose Cherry Flavored Vodka Was that legal?

By the way, Top Shelf Grey Goose Cherry Flavored Vodka. Is that legal? By the way, top shelf. Grey Goose is a high quality vodka. It goes a little up and then it goes a little down. You're like, Grey Goose. Cherry flavored. It's like we're watching Good Then Bad Fireworks.

Ciroc! Lemons. In a grocery bag that he was carrying. Why not just drink window cleaner? Cherry flavored. Cherry flavored. Hedgepeth said he and Smith had been drinking. He also smelled of marijuana according to... He's just trying to get through the night.

It smells like Arizona. It smells like freedom. Right. according to... He's just trying to get through. It smells like Arizona. It smells like freedom. He also had a container of raw leaf marijuana inside another grocery bag. I understand when he left, he did not think cops were going to be involved. Yeah, but like, if you're out walking...

Be ready. If you're being chased by a naked person, you may not be bringing the cops on, but they're coming to you. Someone's going to call them. Hedgepeth showed police a medical marijuana card, but did not have any proof he purchased the marijuana from a Pennsylvania dispensary. I hate all those laws. Police placed Smith in the back of a cruiser and gave her a blanket to cover up. Nice.

She went right to bed. Curled up like an angel. She lives there now. They gave her a nail a wafer and some orange juice. You know when she's not running down the street with her pussy out

she's an angel. The problem is she's hardly ever an angel. Quote, she stated that Hedgepeth wanted to leave but she didn't want him to. That's pretty straightforward.

When asked why she left the room naked, Smith stated, quote, that's Carrie Sue Smith, I don't know. Something inside me told me to go after him. I think a lot of people do a lot of things from that inner voice. They're like, they blame a lot of, I don't know,

something inside me said, let's do it. You know, I've heard the expression, if you love something, let it go. But if you really love it, you follow that motherfucker. Stab it in the throat as it's escaping. So there's a bridge in Austin that goes from downtown to South Congress, and it is high up, okay? It's high up over the water. There's a moment where you're crossing the bridge that I feel like everybody is like,

what if I jumped off this thing right now? Well, you would die, okay? You would probably die. If you survived the fall, you'd be badly injured, break your leg, break your neck, whatever. You don't do it. That's the little voice inside of you

going, jump off this thing. You don't do it. You know, I just, it's a little Jiminy Cricket. Hey, hey, hey, get your tits out. Hey, ask the cop if he wants to suck on your tits There you go Leave those blue socks on again

Run after him Snort some coke off of that switchblade Hey, this guy's a real camper Hey, I'm Jiminy Cricket Jiminy Cricket saying Hey, snort some coke off that switchblade If that appeared in any cartoon Like old Warner Brothers Hey, Jiminy Cricket saying, hey, snort some Coke off that switchblade. If that appeared in any cartoon, like old Warner Brothers.

Keep a baseball bat in your car. Hey. Hey, what'd that motherfucker say to you? Hey, don't take that from me. Ask that guy what he's looking at. Call that cop a pig. Hey, the whole outside's your bathroom. Hey, you think you can hit that window from here? I don't know

This voice inside me I wasn't raised right I'm just a voice Hey, double back and ask who said that Hey, reach for that cop's gun You can get it You can quit Hey, wait back and ask who said that. Hey, reach for that cop's gun. You can get it. You can quit. Hey, wait till they make you.

You don't have to pay for that. Don't back down. Don't do it now. Hey, scissor kick that man in the head. You're winning. You're winning. This little Jiminy Cricket voice. When you wish for some math,

it doesn't matter if it's from Beth. There's a quote at the secret group in Houston. They just wanted like poster quotes for their, and it just says it's attributed to Jiminy Cricket, and it's perfect. It just says, when you wish upon a star makes no difference. And it's perfect.

It just says, when you wish upon a star, makes no difference. That is about as truthful as you get. I know. I'm like, I want that on a shirt. So they threw a blanket on this gal. Yeah, so they threw her in the blanket, okay? Okay, good job. Burrito. She's a burrito.

Right. She's just a drunken burrito. Meth head burrito. She stated that Hedgepeth wanted to leave, but she didn't want him to. When asked why she left the room, she said, I don't know, something told me to go after him. Smith, who smelled of alcohol,

kept saying... Jiminy Crackit? Jiminy Crackit. You own that now. Jiminy Crackit. No, I'm saying, don't let anyone take that from you. Jiminy Cracket. No, I'm saying don't let anyone take that from you. Jiminy Cracket. Let's mail it to ourselves.

This is what she said. She kept saying, I love him. I'm not crazy. Bitch, you crazy. No, I love him. No, you're not. Hey, love can't be crazy. Love can't be crazy.

There's a little voice inside of me right now saying I can't be crazy. Love can't be crazy. There's a little voice inside of me right now saying I can't be crazy. Officer, I just met her an hour ago. She says we went to the same high school. I love him. Tell him you love him. Tell him everyone else is crazy. He must be so charismatic. I mean, really, that guy must be like James Bond times 12.

Smith faces charges of indecent exposure. Spit in his face. Open lewdness, public drunkenness, and disorderly conduct. She ran the, that's the cycle. She should have had some criminal mischief in there. Hedge path was charged with possession of a small amount of marijuana, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession of illegal non-prescription narcotics,

and possession of her heart and disorderly conduct. Officer, he stole from me! What did he steal from you? Your heart! Tell him your heart! Tell him your heart! Kick the door! Save that puke for inside the cop car.

He'll treat you better! Hold it in! Jiminy Crackit. Jiminy Crackit. Come on. You're in the Wolf Sox today. Okay. We're going to play a round of Guess the A.G.R.

All right. Here's the fun part. Ready? They are the same exact. Okay. So they went to high school together. Right. But now you have to gauge how long ago was high school.

How are they still referring to high school? Okay, so now Hampton. They got motel money. They do. So Hampton, you can go first, Tig, which is in between the two of us, or third. So where do you want to guess? I'm going to guess first, I think. Page, right?

Yeah. Picking everything you know about these two. Blue Sox. I'm thinking under 30, and I'm going to say like 27. 27. So they're still in high school range. Yeah, but it's almost been 10 years. It's fresh, exactly.

35. 35 from Jason's point. Because they're coming up on their 20-year reunion. Really? But it's a couple years ago. Oh, man. I think in some bizarre way, they're 21. 21 years old?

They're young. I should have gone to college with you. It's so recent. You don't need college. Okay. We don't. Phoenix Online, that's a college. Are you ready?

Mm-hmm. Carrie Sue Smith. And? And, how can we even remember his full name? Philip Hedgepeth. Hedgepeth. Alfred Pennyworth? I don't know.

It was Philip. Oh, Dante Eugene. Dante Eugene. Dante Eugene. D-E Hedgepeth. Yes. Or my name isn't D-E Hedgepeth. What'd you say, Ham?

Two monocles. Blink, blink. He said 29. I said 27. 27. Jay said 35. I said 21. 27. Jay said 35. I said 21. Okay.

It's a nice range there. It is a nice range. None of you are exactly right. Oh, shit. Because these two old high school friends. Get your answers in, townies. One of them lovers. Running across the streets blue socks and naked with drugs in the grocery bags and cherry-flavored gray goose.

Get your answers in because they are both exactly 47 years old. That's how old we are. This is her. She is pissed. She looks good. She's got a broken heart. Are you sure that's not him? She kind of looks like Rutger Hauer. That's her?

She looks like Rutger Hauer from Blade Runner. She does look a little Rutger Hauer. I love her haircut. But Rutger Hauer looks really hot. By the way, I love her haircut. Annie Lennox. Yeah, she looks cool. Annie Lennox. She's a missionary, man. She's got a broken heart.

She's mad about it. All right, there you go. First story down in the books. That was a mega story. Hampton Yunt is with us. We're going to talk to him about his album and other fun stuff right after this break. Stay with us. Stick around.

Make us down. For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. That's Dumb People Town for you. Thanks for tuning in. We should mention a couple of things that we have going on, should we not? Yes, we should.

So we're coming up on the live Dumb People Town that we're doing at Moon Tower. We're doing it on Friday night. We're all doing stand-up shows there. Yeah, stand-up shows and everything. But the live Dumb People Town is 7.30 Friday night at 800 Congress. It is a big venue, so we want to fill it with townies. Come on, townies. Eliza Skinner right now is the first guest that we're going to have.

She crushed it on this show. She's going to be amazing. We're trying to get another guest as well, and we will let you know when we lock that in uh but check back you can come and be one of the guests bring stories these are so much fun one there's gonna be a meet and greet yep right so if you are a pillar of the community or a city council member you can come hang out with us pre-show and the great thing about festivals it happened at ss sketch fest it might happen at Moon Tower. We ended up hanging out with everybody after the show. Unless we have somewhere else we got to run to, but if you buy

a pass, come with us to the next show, too. There's so many opportunities to hang out with us. Come to Dumb People Town. We have never not had an amazing show at Moon Tower. And if you're in LA, we're doing another live Dumb People Town on May 7th at Largo. The last one was so great.

That episode is up now with Jon Hamm and Karen Kilgariff. Amy Mann is going to be playing music, and we are locking in the guests on that as we speak. So that should be great. Hampton Yunt, our wonderful guest, has a fantastic brand-new comedy album that, Jay, you were listening to on Sirius Radio. I was laughing so hard in my car.

I was, like, gasping for air. It is called Able and it is so funny and everything you do. You can get it on iTunes. We have a cassette tape of it that Hampton brought us. You guys can get cassettes and I also made t-shirts, special t-shirts of the cassette art

that my brother drew. You can buy it as a bundle on my website, hamptonyunt.com. This is you as a kid. Yeah, it's me as a kid. But it's got crazy eyes. I have my younger brother help me with the Photoshop there. It's like I don't know how to do anything. I have a lot of ideas.

And you're like, please, can you help me with this? We have siblings who are like geniuses at making stuff. It's phenomenal. I can't stop looking at it. It's unbelievable. I get so many people writing me. They're just like, this looks like a very hardcore rap album. I was like, that was my goal.

And this shirt is like a memorial shirt. I want to scare Dane Cook. I want to put the fear of God in everybody in this business. You're going to do it. Go burn, you're done. It's so funny.

I mean, both your first two albums are great. This one is definitely the doorway into all of them. This is definitely the best one so far. Well, it's inevitable

that you've evolved as a comic from the beginning until now. I feel a lot happier on stage now. It is. We watched you recently. You came down and performed with us in beginning until now. I feel a lot happier on stage now. It is. We watched you recently. You came down and performed with us in Huntington Beach. That was so much fun.

And you were hilarious. You guys were amazing. You built more fans through being Crow T. Robot on the new Mystery Science Theater with Jonah and Baron and all these wonderful people. Luckily, it attracts a really comedy-savvy audience. They actually want to watch more comedy. And what's great is I saw a live show of that at the Ace Hotel. Oh, that's right.

Unbelievable. That was so much fun. Where are we at on that right now? You guys, two seasons, right? Yeah, we're kind of still in limbo right now with things. But I mean, it's the reaction to the second season is really like amazing. And it's one of the things I'm most proud of

like that's ever come out. So good. Because you're so funny and so fast throughout. And it's like perfect. I know that you can do the album and the shirt. Is there a package you can buy where you will watch Cry Wilderness with somebody?

It's my favorite. I tell you so many times. I'm becoming like Marc Maron here, like selling merch out of my garage. I'm trying to come up with like package deals where I'm like, what if I sign something or I make an audio message? Dude, I want to watch

Cry Wilderness with you. There you go. I tell you all the time how much that is my favorite one you guys did. I think that'll cost you a Quiznos sandwich. The gas to come over

to my place. Toasted or untoasted? Toasted. Oh, you got to do that. So here's what you do. If you listen to this podcast and you love Hampton, which I'm sure you do.

Go to iTunes, download his album. Support a comic. Download the album or go to HamptonYunt.com. That's Y-O-U-N-T dot com and get a bundle of the stuff. The t-shirt, the cassette. It's a really cool thing. Cassette, t-shirt, you get a sticker all for 30 bucks. You don't even have to pay shipping and handling.

I'm doing this almost at cost. I'm doing it at cost. I'm doing it at cost. I'm doing it at cost. Phenomenal. And they can see your dates where you're performing live on there as well. Hampton Neon. Yeah, I'm doing a bunch of dates coming up. Please go see him. Go see him. Go see Dan at DanielVanKirk.com and see where he's doing.

We're a little bit out in front right now, but I have a few more legs. I'll be doing two runs in the Midwest and the East Coast. So I'll make sure to keep you guys up to date. But DanielVanKirk.com. And Superscholars.com. You can see all of our stuff, which includes all of our tour dates,

Bloomington, Indiana in May, and right after that Largo show. Nice. And then Salt Lake City at the end. We just added San Francisco. At the end of May, we'll be in San Francisco. End of June at Cobbs. We have two nights.

And it's good stuff all the way around. Livermore Arts Center in Livermore, California. That's Northern California as well. And then San Diego. Our San Diego date, which we were supposed to do in January, is now at the end of July. Good stuff all the way around. Go to superscrollers.com.

Golden age of comedy, guys. And let's jump into the last story, huh, Dan? Okay, here we go. Ready? Mm-hmm. An Adelaide teenager's night. Adelaide is in Australia. Usually, yeah.

Went literally down the drain. The opposite direction, because it is Australia. It is Australia. Whee! Coriolis effect. In America, this goes the other way. Okay. My life would still be ruined, but it'd be going in the other direction.

Resulting in embarrassing and bizarre rescue. My mother must be in the way of his Michael Jackson. In Beaumont. Firefighters and paramedics were called to Gordon Place at Beaumont around 1 a.m. after an 18-year-old man became wedged in a drain from the shoulders up. I'm going to show you guys this picture. I thought you said it was a kid. Wedged in a drain. 18 shoulders up. I'm going to show you guys this picture. I thought you said he was a kid. He's a 18-year-old kid.

Is wedged in a drain that R. Kelly song or is that a good one? That's trapped in a closet. Because I'm wedged in a drain now. I'm trapped in a drain. Somebody call a plumber. I'm going to fuck that plumber. That's not a drain. This is a

drain. It's not a drang. This is a drang. It's not a drang. It's a knife. Beer. Foster's Australian for beer. All right, are you ready to take a look at this? Sure, I can't wait to see this. I bet you Will Anderson knows this guy. I bet.

Oh, he's right. Ready? Yeah, he's funny. He's right. Oh. Okay. Okay, so that makes a lot more sense Okay. That makes a lot more sense. And also makes a lot less sense.

It's so funny because in my mind, it was like a quicksand situation and his head and his arms are out. So when you say drain, it is like what we thought of as like a gutter or like a street drain like thing where on the street, you know there's the hole that leads down into the sewer. Right, where it lives. That's what I'm saying. This is the beginning of it. Pennywise.

This is the beginning of it. This guy's trying to like high-five Pennywise. Hi, Jill, with you down there. Hi. Do you want your boat? Do you want your boat? That sounds cool.

Do you want your boat? Yeah, Ty. I've got popcorn. Oh, Ty, dude. You got some porno mags down here at the school. I'm going to set up shop. I've got a futon I'm going to bring You got some porno mags down here at the school. I'm going to set up shop. I've got a futon.

Richie's going to be mad at you. Now we're friends. That's fucking scene. Now they're friends. It's a sitcom. Pennywise and his guy. Hey, Georgie. Hi, Georgie.

Come down here, Georgie. Hey, Georgie. You have to pay half my rent down here. Nathan and I are doing very solid Pennywise voices right now. Hi, Georgie. Hi, Georgie. Come down here, Georgie. Hey, Georgie, you have to pay half my rent down here. Hampton and I are doing very solid Pennywise voices. Hey, Georgie. Hi, Georgie. Come down here. There are townies listening to this that are like, nope, I'm not that. Don't bring Pennywise into my life. You cannot hear this voice.

Richie's going to be mad at you, Georgie. Do you want your boat? Come down here. We're your'll float too. Dan, stop. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. That guy's like, cool, boat. Awesome.

Fucking A, dude. Dude, you got a fucking boat? Let's go to spring break, dude. Dude, you don't know damn old boats. Best and worst day is the day you buy it, the day you sell it, dude. Dan, so this picture of this kid down in the drain. Down in the drain. Down in the drain! It'll be on the Facebook page.

It is hilarious. It looks like Looney Tunes type of image. Down in the drain! It doesn't prepare you. His legs are angled in a way where they can't come down. He literally is sticking them up. It also looks fake. It looks like a mannequin. It looks like you went into a shit drain.

Now what shoes is he wearing? Are those like DC shoes? I don't know. Caught in a drain. Those aren't shoes. Those are norms. And I'm all out. How do you get love?

A bad drain. Look at him. He's just... You think he's like, Little help? Little help. Guys? Squeeze me out?

Because he can't... He'd have to reach all the way back to pull him. He can't get out. Shadow the heart in your two-blame, darling. You put me in a street drain. Yeah, he's like yelling up from the drain. He's like, guys, guess what? More bad news.

My phone screen did crack. Wasn't even worth it. Well, I thought you had that protective thing on it. Yeah, it did work. Plus, I'm going to die here now. Rushing to his head because he's angled in a very... Clearly, he thought he could get something that fell down there

and climbed it. The unusual scene prompted a visit by police patrols who determined that several intoxicated... determined the severely intoxicated teenager had not been the victim of a prank or assault, but of his own inebriation. A police spokesman said

friends had been looking after the vomiting teenager and when they turned their backs momentarily, he stumbled out onto the road, landing headfirst into the curbside drain. No. Yes. So he tripped and fell into the drain. He tripped and fell straight into it.

He slipped on a banana peel type of shit? The spokesman said, quote, the road was sloped, which contributed to the young man being stuck in the drain until emergency crews arrived. So yeah, they were like, you good? I'm good. Just give me a sec. All right, we're going to-

As long as the road's not sloping, I'm going to be fine. I'm going to turn around and tell people we're out here. Just do not move. The slope is helping the vomit come out. Don't go that way. This is X. I'm actually going- What way are you thinking about?

You know, there's like farm to table. This is vomit to sewer. I'm just, I'm giving it as direct as possible. I'm just cutting out the middle. Vomit the sewer. I mean, if your friend does this, help them. But everyone gets to take a picture first. I was trying to wave at a ninja turtle.

When he gets married, this should be the save of the day. Went over hills in love with you. I'm looking for love in all the right places. I found it. He is so far in that drain, though, Dan. I know. How do you get him out? Ankles?

I have no idea. It feels like you could just push him in further and then remove, like. You live down there now. Splinter's your new master. You're a drain boy. You're the ancient art of ninjutsu. Foot soldiers coming. Run. Are there ghosts down there? Just be nice to your new master You're a drain boy Foot soldiers coming, run Are there ghosts down there?

Just be nice to your new rat friends After clearing the drain of the teenager Firefighters handed him to paramedics Clearing the drain Like a plumber Oh, I see the problem We're gonna snake his ass out We're gonna snike his ass out

That's not a snipe. Ant-Man-Stike-Ass. It's not a snipe. That's a chore. Snipe his ass out. He was treated for minor injuries at the scene and was expected to make a full recovery after his impending hangover from hell. Yeah.

Good for him. Well, bless my blimmin' onion. I can't wait to put that picture on the Facebook page. Oh, it is so good. It is so Facebook worthy. That is such a great, I mean, very shareable. I might use that picture to promote the next live DPTU. I think you should.

Absolutely should. You are coming to the show unless you're stuck in a dream. Yeah, because the only way we'll allow you to not be at the show. That's the only excuse we'll take. Despite all my rage, I am still just a man in a dream. Just a teen in a dream. Despite all my rage, I'm still just a man in a drain. Just a teen in a drain. Despite all my rage, I'm still just Australian in a drain. Australian drain.

Still just an Australian in a drain. Hampton Yacht, the album is called Able. Go pick it up. I'm so proud of you, and we love you so much. Thanks, guys. Thanks for having us. Always fun. So much fun.

Best. And oh shit, we gotta get back to work. It's fun. So much fun. Best. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around.

Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Star Bands Audio. A podcast network.