Dumb People Town - Hampton Yount pt. 3 - Drunk on Chipotle Margs

Episode Date: March 16, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined again by comedian Hampton Yount (Suicide Buddies podcast, MST3K) for another DPT minisode! In this week’s story, an argument between a man and a woman result in the loss of a gold tooth. Plus, Steven Seagal calls ...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast With co-hosts Arm and Dan Don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Come here down, it's Dumb People Town

Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town Population U Oh, I love this show and I love our guest He's an old friend in comedy he's not old by i'm old close the door what what is he pooping um he is hampton yunt he you love his stand-up you love it i love it you're gonna love it you you love it remember that level of drunk where you just repeat things back aggressively no matter what they say?

Like, I think I'm going to get out of here. You get out of here. He's just like, does anybody want to get any pizza? You want to get pizza. I do. Yeah, you do. So Hampton is also a Crotea Robot on MST3K. Word saying, motherfucker.

He is so good. On Netflix. Check it out. Download Netflix. Check it out. Download Netflix. Check, check it out. You can stream his ass. You can stream your ass. Oh, come on.

Stream your ass all day. That drunk repeater in the corner is Daniel Van Kirk. Hi, Dan. You're a drunk repeater. Hi. Come on. I told you, I've turned a new leaf. I'm done being sober for these shows.

Smart. Smart. Good call. I'm finally being sober for these shows. Smart. Smart. Good call. I'm finally getting my shit on together. Smart. Here's the beauty of this show, and for those who don't know, we believe that the world is getting dumber as we speak. And there's plenty of evidence for that.

And so our way to combat that is through comedy. Yeah, we created a town where all dumb things happen, and we say, look at this. And let's have fun with it. Let's try to understand it. Let's try to get in the head of it and break it down great stories are sent to us by our dumb boots on the ground yes um our people out there who are searching out for great stories and they send them to you dan they they hashtag uh our our or send it to you at otgs they at daniel van kirk on twitters and then uh

hashtag it dumb people town They send you the story. We don't know. We have not seen these stories. Hampton has not seen these stories. I forgot them. You forgot them. I wrote them in Wing Ding, so I have to try and translate. I have to trick myself because I have dual identities. Yes, exactly.

Hampton, but Hampton, you have been in comedy. I feel like this is exactly what you do. You find the moment in which someone is acting as stupidly as possible and you try and point that out. That's what we all do. We all do it. That's our favorite part of life. Just to feel mildly superior. Well, I love it.

Which is comedians we kind of do. No, Hampton's been about conspiracy theorists. Yeah. Your joke about- You just gotta out conspiracy theory them. Like That's a dumb person town kind of thing.

Yeah, right? Someone who's like trying to convince you that the moon landing didn't happen and then you just gotta be like you believe in the moon? What science do you have

to prove that's real? Yeah. Go one step beyond them. Because then they have nowhere to go. Yeah, they got they got nothing. You can't handle to go. Yeah, they got nothing. You can't handle the truth.

Yeah, it's actually fun. I'm trying to make a pilot right now with that basic idea. So who knows if that comes to light. Oh, I'd love that. I like that you believe in light. Pilots. How do you know that's not just God's blessings on us? Yeah.

Can you prove photosynthesis? How do you know it's not just god kissing the plants who have been like there's cameras in every single tv the governor watches you whenever they want now do we have every apple computer that gets sent to you well i know we have people in our life that i know for a fact put post-it notes over there on their oh yeah yeah my girlfriend does that. Yeah. And... Their computer...

I was just talking with somebody about this where they're all like... No, I don't. I don't either. But she's making me a monotheist. All right. But I... I don't know.

Just like, it's funny. People are always like worried about privacy and everything, but it's like every time you go to the airport, they're taking photos of your genitals. we gave that right up so quick where we're like it's gonna take hands up everything out of my pocket sure you gotta take another five minutes for me to get pat down no take a photo of my dick yeah do that put it in records well that is good that your girlfriend is helping you get there because your wife does not appreciate that. I wish my wife and my girlfriend could get along.

That would be great material on stage. You know how you're doing your girlfriend and your wife. How do I get these two together? Why does this bit only work in Salt Lake City? The open bigamist.

The relatable bigamist. He's just so folksy so folks guys is it me or when your girlfriend calls and your wife answers the phone she is a little upset am i right it's a moment you don't want to wake up to every day am i right am i right is she right ladies with one man back me up on this. Dan, you got a story? You want to do a story? Yeah, let's jump into a story. I apologize for not saying his name right. Robert.

This was sent in by Robert. Robert Muller, the guy who's doing the independent investigation. Shmerkansky. Shmerkansky. S-M-R-E-Kansky. Shmerkansky. At Matted Blubber. Matted Blubber. Matted Blubber. This is-E Kansky. Smirkansky. At Matted Blubber.

Matted Blubber. Matted Blubber. This is Smirkansky. You got a problem, we'll see you down on Wacker. Down on Wacker. Lower Wacker. Lower Wacker Drive. I'll see you on... That'll be fun.

Me and Smirkansky down on Lower Wacker. This is my kid, Jimmy. Jimmy, tell him my dad's crazy. He's crazy, but he'll see you down on Lower Wacker. I'm going to tell you guys, as personal friends, if anyone ever tries to get you to go down to Lower Wacker. Don't do it. You'll never come back.

I'm not joking. One time I was in college. This is Chicago talk, everybody. Yes, I'm in college with my girlfriend and her friend. Northern Illinois University. No, I was at Roosevelt. Northern Illinois is DeKalb, right by Rochelle Heartland. This is in Chicago.

They went to Loyola. So we're driving around Chicago. It's middle of the night. For some reason, her roommate friend was driving her car, and I'm in Chicago. It's middle of night. For some reason, her roommate friend was driving her car and I'm in the back and I'm telling them like they get down on lower wacker and I'm like, we need to get out of lower wacker. This is how you get. And you can get lost down there. I mean, there's a lot.

It's like a maze down there. It is. I'm like, take a right. Jack Nicholson's chasing me with an X. They take a left instead of right, and we end up in a dead end in Lower Wacker at 2, 3 in the morning. This is where things get crazy. We make the U-turn and turn around. When we turn back around, there are now people walking into the street.

Towards your car. And I just said, yes it. Yes. Gun it. Do not slow down for any of these people. You said, Listen, Whack them if you have to. We're on Lower Wacker. That being said,

It's like the Warriors show up. It is. Madden Blubber's House of Madden Blubber on Lower Wacker is a phenomenal. Wait. Smirkansky's House of Blubber. Yes. House of Madden Blubber. All right.

What's the story? All right. kensky's house a blubber yeah that's a man all right what's the story all right this story has so many questions and not enough answers we'll have to try to provide some youngstown ohio here we go a swing state yep a 28 year old man said he got into an argument with a woman that ended with her punching him threatening him with a knife and the loss of his golden teeth all golden teeth and see how they roll the fact that the two of you the answer they reveal i don't want you to say this is creepy you saw what I saw right This is creepy You saw what I saw I started it

When you guys start harmonizing It's like It's an old Steely Dan song I know But have you ever Gold teeth You've done so many great characters On TV shows

Have you ever Bitch where you got A pitch to deal Where you guys are like A duo Like folk singers That have broken up And refused to speak to each other

But you will sing together Only three songs Yes You will Throw out your gold teeth And see how they roll folk singers that have broken up and refused to speak to each other but you will sing together life is unreal his dressing room's bigger than mine i hope someone turned to the spoke channel at that moment it's like it's music yeah yeah it's bad folk music i didn't know that i didn't realize it while walter becker just rolled over in his bed all the classic bad folk hits everything you hated about everything you hate now on one shitty these are all the songs that couldn't change the government come with it now you guys ready for the first question in this story? Yes. We can keep coming with it. No, no, no.

We can keep coming with it. So as I said, just to review. She's going to grab his gold teeth, punch him in the face, cut him with a knife. Okay, here's our first type. According to a police report, the victim and the 19-year-old suspect were riding in a vehicle together at 1120 a.m. Friday when they began to argue. If I just told you here's what happened to the story.

I like her because she's spunky. Yeah, but you were thinking nighttime only. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How does this start around noon on a Friday? Before lunch. Yes. By the way, with the weekend ahead of you. Right.

You know what I mean? Yes. Just make it through the day. There's hope on that. I think these are the type of people where the weekend doesn't really matter. There is no weekend. 1120 is that time when you... I've worked in offices in other lives.

Where you feel yourself falling asleep? Yeah. Or you're saying to yourself, I'm hungry. Do I want to eat this early? Because I'll definitely be hungry again. Or if I leave right now... That's why you got to take the teeth out. asleep yeah or you're saying to yourself i'm hungry do i want to eat this early because i'll definitely be hungry again or if i leave right now we can beat the line at chipotle yes that's that's what 11 20 if i leave right now we can beat if you've said that in your life can i make a guess that i'm the only person in this room that's gotten drunk off margaritas at a Chipotle. Yes. You can't get margaritas at a

Chipotle. The hell you can't. Oh my God. We did it in Chicago. It was our goal for the day. To get drunk at a Chipotle? Oh wow. Hammered and we treated it like cheers. People would come in and be like, Yay! Pablo! Cinco de Mayo.

Somebody listening to us right now on Serious Unspoke Channel Has also gotten drunk in a Chipotle Oh, sure You know what? Two of the two people in this story Have probably gotten drunk There are people listening to this right now

That are drinking at a Chipotle I hope so Listening on their phone on the app I want to take Hampton to go get a margarita at a Chipotle Oh, man Is that specific to like Chicago or something? Nope In fact, I just did it in LA about two weeks ago.

All right, I'll go. This guy was so cool. It was his first day and I was chill with him. I really walked him slowly through building my burrito bowl. And then I was like, you know what I'll do?

You guys got margarita? I'll do a margarita too. You don't see those at every location because it is true not every location has a margarita. Give me a marg. And then he goes,

you know what? I'm just going to charge you for chips, guac, and a margarita you have that bull on me. I'm like you're a horrible new employee. It's his first day. I know.

Buddy. You know what? I love that he feels like he's already in a position to skim off the top. I got it all here. I see this thing for the fraud it is.

I give out deals the way I want to give out deals. Chipotle doesn't tell me how to do my work. You don't own me. I don't work for you Chipotle to give out deals. Chipotle doesn't tell me how to do my business. You don't own me. I don't work for you, Chipotle. You actually do. You actually do.

You totally do. All right, so back to 1120 AM Friday. Why anybody would start this much violence is beyond me. I have a theory. Yes? The teeth. It's an argument over weight loss in the couple. They both committed to gaining weight.

It's about to be lunchtime. She knows he's about to eat a really awful meal. I'm going to cut those teeth out. Cut those teethers out. Well, here we go. The victim said so they're in the car at 1120. They start to argue. The victim said he pulled into the parking lot of the Taco Bell on Market

what I'm saying. I'm going to tell everybody listening 10 tacos for $10. If you are trying to deescalate any situation, do not show up at a Taco Bell. Yes, that is not you. Things are going to go listening. 10 tacos for $10. If you are trying to de-escalate any situation. Do not show up at a Taco Bell. Yes, that is not. Things are going to go up.

Everything is going to be accelerated. Your shitting pattern. That's a fighting parking lot. Yes. There's certain parking lots that are meant for couples ending their relationship.

If you want to de-escalate, you pull into a Kohl's or a JCPenney. That is a more like let's talk. That's where you chill it out a little bit. Maybe a Michael's or a JCPenney. That is a more like let's talk. That's where you chill it out a little bit. Maybe a Michaels

or a Hobby Lobby. Hobby Lobby. But you do not go Taco Bell. Big lots. You could do it in a big lot. Sure. If you want to even

think about getting married again, renewing your vows, you take it to a Joanne Fabrics. Right. Now, if you want to even go bigger than Taco Bell, you're going to kill somebody.

We're stepping this up. Burlington Coat Factory. That's right. That is... That's where you're like, I'm going to do go bigger than Taco Bell, like you're going to kill somebody. We're stepping this up. Burlington Co-Factory. That's where you're like, I'm going to do some meth while I'm punching you. Yes, exactly. You're going to hold still and take it. Just sit there and take it. I don't want to blame the victim,

but he pulled into a Taco Bell. That's on him. By the way, that's Burlington Co-Factory's new motto. Just sit there and take it. Hey, there's somebody passed out outside burlington go factory he's wearing one of our coats he probably works here hey should we do something for that guy burlington go factory there's so much blood burlington co factory we're always next to a pool hall burlington go factory is he breathing oh burlington go factory bring your own

darts don't mind the chalk outlines burlington coat factory don't worry about i already checked his wallet it's empty burlington coat factory uh these aren't coats factory is closed oh okay here we go so they pull into the Taco Bell on Market Street. Add that to the walking tour. I don't know if they meant to do this pun, but it's in here. I think they did not. They pull into the Taco Bell where he ordered the woman to get out of his car. Extra large.

I'll take a woman leaving my car. i'll take an extra large woman leaving my car some of those uh green pieces of paper you guys call lettuce here but she refused to get out of course yeah if i'm him you know what i do i get out that's right yeah you have an option you are being so so right here because literally what a dumb man to pull into a Taco Bell parking lot and then be like, get out. Yeah. You think that woman's going to just leave and sit in a Taco Bell parking lot? No.

The man said the woman started punching him and pulled out his gold teeth. Not knocked. Pull them out. That is. You're going to eat those gorditas in there carl you're gonna gum them you son of a bitch you're gonna gum them if you're gonna get a gordita you guys you're getting nachos good luck eating one of them dorito tacos she said i will get out but you open your mouth let me pull out some of your teeth and he was like good damn it sheila the man said the woman tried to stab him but missed okay if they're in a car and she missed that's on her

she's bad yes then ran out of the car he suffered a cut to his finger i just want to lay something out for you guys that i can't get over the knife came out after the teeth were the teeth yeah so what was he a willing participant in the to be let his teeth be pulled out and then her and then just be sitting here yes you take a flurry of punches and then you go you have to go okay open your mouth present your teeth the easiest way to keep no the easy you don't even have to no, the easiest way to keep... No, the easiest... You don't even have to bite someone. The easiest way to keep someone from pulling your teeth out is to close your mouth. Like the amount of torque that your jaw generates. I agree.

No one can get that now. Yes. Who's going to pull a tooth out right here? One of the strongest things we have is you can't make me open my mouth. One of the strongest things ever is the mouth of a Connecticut wasp. I said, get it out of here. She won't do that to me while I'm at the yacht. Not at a Taco Bell.

I said I went to the hot club barbecue. No penises will penetrate my throat. Nothing will be in my throat. I'm neither spit nor swollen. You've heard of deep throat. I'm shallow throat. I want to make a Gilligan's Island joke, but no one will get it.

So do you think that she was like, I wanted to get his teeth out, but I got that's done, but I still have this knife. I still have some anger. I want to just finish this up. We need to know what the argument was about. It feels like it's not resolved.

How bad she didn't want to go to Taco Bell. I still have this knife. Why don't I just swing it at him and miss him from three inches? And then I'll get out. Then I leave on my terms. Then I did it how I wanted to do it. Yes.

I did it my way. You know, she's just a Del Taco bitch. Yeah, she is. I'm a five-star Del Taco bitch. Yeah, she is. Is that Taylor Swift song? He suffered a cut to his finger, which I feel like he wouldstar Del Taco bitch. Yes, she is. Is that Taylor Swift song? He suffered a cut to his finger, which I feel like he would not shut up about.

He probably complained more about that than the teeth. Go to the cops. Build up the story. We'll get out of here on this. The victim told police he was not in a relationship with the woman. Of course not. They were just friends.

That was him digging the knife in. How many times did the cop writing it down be like i get it man okay i just need you to understand this finger it was not caught by anyone i love exactly yeah we get it this is the moral of this story is breakup over text i love that and then he's like officer i don't think you understand we were just friends if i'm that cop i go i'm gonna go on a limb here, you son of a bitch. You guys aren't even friends. You're not even. This woman does not like you. You aren't.

You weren't. You will never be. Right. You shouldn't even be on nodding terms. To quote another time we had Hampton on the show, she was not one of his peeps. Exactly. She was not one of his peeps. Officer, she's not my peep. Again, he's other for no reason

well you know who is often found at parking lots at Taco Bell parking lots just cause he's looking for a deal and he's fallen on

some hard times is a friend of the show and we welcome him in right now just to say a quick hello to us and that is of course the great

martial artist actor Russian diplomat diplomat and musician and cop say a quick hello to us um and that is of course the great martial artist actor sharing russian diplomat diplomat and musician and cop lover part-time cut part-time lover steven seagal how you doing steve wow can eat you uh okay how you doing buddy yeah there you go you guys we're good hey whoa you're bowing yeah exactly you know, exactly. You know, it's on brand. It is. It's an honor to bring an A-list celebrity to your guys' show.

As soon as one gets here, we'll be right there with you. We will feel honored. I appreciate the kimono that you guys provided for me. That is actually just a towel from the bathroom. Well, it still covers all the necessary parts. Some of them, yeah. Kind of peeking out. So have you ever gotten, have you ever gotten into an altercation

in a Taco Bell parking lot? I welcome altercations. As you guys say, I'm a police officer. I'm actually a deputy. You've been deputized. I am a deputy. I'm also a Russian diplomat.

You know that. Not officially. No, it's official on the Russian side. Oh, on the Russian side you're a diplomat. Yeah, it makes me more of an Americano diplomat. And, you know, I would like to tell you, first of all, you're a diplomat. Yeah, it makes me more of an Americano diplomat.

And, you know, I would like to tell you, first of all, I spent a lot of time in Taco Bell parking lots. Sure. Because what people don't know is, yes. He's on a headset. He's on Bluetooth. I ordered it, but it never came. Okay.

He's taking a Bluetooth. I don't understand. The park is an address, so why can't you deliver there? They're not going to deliver food just to a random park. This is Steven Seagal. No, not like the bird, Seagal. Oh, Jesus. Can I talk to your manager?

He's trying to order a party size. We've got to wrap this up. A platter. If you guys sell six-foot subs, why can't you deliver them? No, they don't deliver it. What's CO got to wrap this up. A platter. If you guys sell six foot subs, why can't you deliver them? They don't deliver it. No. What's COD? Wrap it up.

Cash on delivery. Back to you guys. What I want to say is, a lot of times people leave extra lettuce and cheese in the wrappers. So you actually get an opportunity. You can fill up on that. Yep. And I wanted to let you guys know one other thing. Before he gets out of here.

Steven Seagal, yellow tinted sunglasses. I have a prototype that I drew on an antkin. If you guys are interested, I'm looking forward to that. Sure. I'm trying to become a sniper. It's worked great for me. And a shop teacher. And you're also trying to become a shop teacher.

We'll talk about this off air. Steven, we'll make sure that sandwich gets delivered to you in the park. If anybody's that my way, I'd be happy to let you let me ride in your car. We'll talk about that later. God, get Dan. All right, Kenichiwa. Get Dan back in. That was him getting up. All right. Okay, we'll talk about that later. God, get Dan. All right, get Dan back in. That was him getting up.

All right, okay. What a show. What a show, you guys. How about it? It was a good time. Dumb People Town. Guys, if you like what you're listening to here, check out the show on iTunes.

It's free. You can listen to it, Dumb People Town. We have a lot of great guests who have been on the show. Rate it, review it, listen to it. Don't open your mouth for anybody. Thank you, Hampton Yunt. Follow him on Twitter Who have been on the show Rate it Review it Listen to it Don't open your mouth For anybody Thank you Hampton Yunt Follow him on

On Twitter Follow him on the Instagram You're on Instagram right? I'm on the Instagram Instagram Stream the shit out of him On Netflix And stream on Netflix

Stream me baby As he is a part of One of our favorite shows The reboot of Mystery Science Theater 3000 Daniel Van Kirk Thank you so much Thank you

This is always fun Love y'all Guys we gotta get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town.