Dumb People Town - Hampton Yount - Yeah, He Was Naked

Episode Date: March 2, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Hampton Yount (Suicide Buddies podcast, MST3K) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a naked Florida man robs a bank and throws money at onlookers. Plus, a voicemail from Mark Wahlberg!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. And don't be a jerk, cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, call your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. It gets cooler more than what we do. Oh it it does. And we got a great one today.

Oh, this is a beaut. He's an old friend, a hilarious comedian. And you will recognize his voice most likely as Crow T. Robot on the reboot of MST3K. God dang. Hampton, yont and yont. Hello, sir. Hello, babies. Are people recognizing your voice?

No. Out in the world? Bless my face But people will stop me Across a crowded street That's what you know Oh my god Are you the third crow?

Of a minorly popular show? By the way It is not minorly popular At all The second crow was Bruce Lee's son right? Yes Can't believe he died

In the shooting of that I believe it was Eddie Furlong Who does not look good Have you I believe it was Eddie Furlong. Who does not look good. Have you seen him recently? Eddie Furlong. That should have been Fur Short. Should have gone Fur Short. That's a record.

Under three minutes to the Carson impression. Is that a regular? Eddie Furlong is so big. How big is he? He's now called Eddie Two Furlongs. That's two times around the track. Terrible.

What we do on this show, if you don't know, is Dan gets stories sent to him. Hi Dan Van Kirk. Sent to him by our wonderful listeners. We have not heard the stories. Hampton hasn't heard the stories. I've barely read them. I don't read the news. I'm barely literate.

And we get to riff on them because it's dumb people doing dumb things. And we all sort of agree that our nation is getting dumber by the minute. The world is getting dumber. And the only way to combat it is through comedy and through trying to understand it and make peace with it and have fun with it. Daniel, you doing well, by the way? Oh, I'm doing phenomenal. Phenomenally. Phenomenally. No, I'm just doing phenomenal. Let me finish I'm doing phenomenal Phenomenally

I'm just doing phenomenal Let me finish her name is phenomenal She's a stripper She's actually not a stripper I've been watching the movie Phenomenon How have I been doing it? I've been watching the movie Phenomenon Her name is phenomenal and she's

Going to medical school To put her way through stripping. Yeah, she wants to become a doctor to pay for her stripping. Phenomenon. John Travolta movie? Phenomenon. Right? Phenomenon, yeah.

Yes, where he's an angel? No, no, that's where he has brain cancer. That's Michael. That's Michael. But the theme song to Michael was Phenomenon. Got a brain tumor. I thought there was like a three movie set of phenomenon michael and powder to me like those were all released they're like we need the next phenomenon well can the guy be

white yeah powder yeah we can make him even whiter than that he's an angel i would dare say any movie you're talking about someone says can the guy be white? Here's a whole spiel. Same thing. I know it's a story about a slave, but can he be white? I know. I don't want to tell you your business, but can Django be white? I know in the comic book, it's an Asian woman, but can he be white?

It's a she. It's not even a he. Let's get to a story, Dan. There's nothing more woke, though, than four white straight dudes talking about. Woke AF. Woke AF. You want to do a story? Let's do it.

Here we go. This was sent in by Andy Russell at TheRussell4. The R-U-S-S-E-L-L, 4. Thanks, Andy Russell. What he did, and if you want to be like him, he was the first person to send me this story. That's why he got picked. And he said, at DanielVanKirk on Twitter, hashtag DumbPeopleTown, check out this story. And that's how we got here.

Nice. That's our dumb people on the ground. Yes. Dumb ears on the ground. They're in dumb action choppers across the city crashing ground. Yes. Dumb ears on the ground. They're in dumb action choppers across the city crashing into each other. Dumb boots on the ground. A naked man.

So we know. Coming in hot. Yeah. Coming in hot. Germany or Florida. Yeah. Running around downtown Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Yeah. On Tuesday, on Tuesday afternoon. Five miles in any direction. That's Florida to me. Don't go five miles. You talk to anybody like, don't go five miles down Okeechobee.

Right. Don't go five miles out this way. You don't want to go up to Okee Panokee Swamp there. I'm at the beach. They're like, don't go five miles out into the water. Don't go five miles out of the water. Yeah, there's a meth lab out there. A floating meth lab.

It's a floating garbage island and they've set a meth lab up on it. And it's on fire. Funny thing, the meth lab came first. Yeah. All right. It's the old adage

which came first, the floating garbage island or the meth lab. It's a chicken and egg situation. A naked man running around downtown Fort Lauderdale on Tuesday afternoon was enough on its own

to turn heads, but there was more. No. How do you get more? Also, this is how you know. What on him is burning? Things have gotten so passe in Florida, they need to hook you right away.

To be like, guys, yes, another naked man. So a naked man was going to do, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't go anywhere because it gets crazy. Yeah, there's more. I know it's boring. You're falling asleep. The mayor was naked through town again. Take that Werther's out of your mouth before you nod off.

But there was more, they say. According to the FBI, we're going. So now this is a federal issue. Our grandmother used to say to us whenever we'd make a big deal and start going, don't make a federal case about it. Don't make a federal case out of this. This is a naked federal case. I love that grandma, for her, there was like a hierarchy

as to... If we made a state's case out of it, she would have been okay with it. I know you're angry that you guys didn't get to watch TV. That is a local issue. Take it up with your alderman. If you could stop subpoenaing me. Do not make it. Do not drive across state lines to Illinois and make a federal case out of this.

Secure your kids and your municipal problems. Alright, what does he do? What gets the FBI involved? Yeah. According to the FBI, he had robbed a bank and was throwing stolen money at people, making an even bigger spectacle. It should be, Ann, but we're not here to judge. Making an even bigger spectacle.

Making an even bigger spectacle. Nope, I like a even bigger spectacle. Making an even bigger spectacle. He's like a Batman villain at this point. Yes. Naked man. So he robs a bank. 40 bucks come flying your way when you weren't expecting it.

You'll give a pass on the balls. On the ball flap, you'll give a pass. I'll give a what for. Just tipping people. Just the tip. Just the tip. He's tipping them for watching him get naked yeah reverse one time when i was i kind of love this guy one time when i was a kid

and um not as felt i was at six flags and i thought it'd be i was with a group of friends and uh i thought it'd be funny to tell one of the carnival worker guys i go uh i go hey give me a dollar I'll take off my shirt. And that guy looked at me and goes, give me a dollar to keep that shirt on. I felt so, I'm like, you got me. But I will take that dollar. Send it over the page.

And I took that dollar, and this is the same shirt. I'm taking it off. I turned that dollar into nothing. Seeing it as a parent today, I'm like, at least he didn't abduct you. Yeah. I thought you were going to say, I'm like, at least he didn't abduct you. Yeah. I thought you were going to say, I'll give you a dollar a year. I lived in a cell underneath his bed.

I liked it there. All right, here we go. Ready? Do we call this guy because he's taking money from the rich and giving it to the poor? If he has a boner, do we call him Robin Wood? Ask our brothers. Robin Wood. How about Robin Wood?

Robin Williams? Maybe in another episode, we'll just have you guys be Carson while Hampton is Robin Williams. The cocaine will seep through the floorboards. Yes, it will. All right, here we go. Ready for this guy's name? Because it's perfect. Alexander Hayden

Sperber. Alexander Hayden Sperber. Of Fort Lauderdale. My name is Alexander Hayden Sperber. Hayden. There's a million dollars I haven't given. And I'm the man who fucked him.

Just you him. Just you wait. Just you wait. Rand, you deep in Hamilton? Alexander Hammelberger. For the listeners at home, Randy waited in line. My name is Alexander Hammelberger. Four hours with his daughter.

Was it four? Seven. Four. Eight. Eight hours. Eight hours for tickets and got me two tickets that I don't even appreciate and I don't intend on appreciating damn him I promise I'm with you man thanks bro this is phenomenal for anybody who listens to Hamilton

it's phenomenon it's phenomenon no don't you dare Alexander Hayden Spurber you ready guys damn kids Alexander Hayden Spurber of fort lauderdale parked his red ford mustang aka he's a dick near a region's bank branch at 100 southeast third avenue add that to the dumb people town walking tour if you're new to the show we have a map where you can go to every

location that every one of these stories has ever happened you know those like navy commercials where they're like showing you different landscapes and there's like a giant red pin in the background you're like ah then pops out this map there is a dumb version of that yes that's where the army's recruiting that's where the naked people are running it's where they're getting the good numbers alexander hayden spurter spurber that don't make a difference he went in about 306 p.m about 306 p.m i mean around that time we're not getting on the federal case out about he then decided to extend his index finger as if to depict a gun pointed pointed at the teller, and according to a criminal complaint, asked her for money.

Now, is he naked now? No. Okay. He's got clothes on. But he just does the hand. Finger and hand. That probably came with the Mustang, right? Like one of those.

If you're a gun, the guy who sells you the car hands you a finger. Yours now. You can have one of these on the house, bro. Hope you have a license for one of these. Then he turns it to a pillar of salt. There is an interest rate on that finger handgun as well. Sperber told the teller he would hurt her and others if his needs weren't met. Sexually.

She put approximately $7,500 in the bag he handed her along with a die pack and a bait bill she's really loading him up though bait bill means if he pays it with any pays it anywhere and it tracks right back to him oh really yeah in my mind there was like a little gps computer attached oh maybe the bill hoping no no you're right my idea is when you just tie like a piece of string to a dollar bill and the bill. No, no, you're right. My idea is dumb. I literally thought it was when you just tie like a piece of string to a dollar bill and you make someone go down the street. Just see where he goes. Yeah, there's the dollar bill.

You know, like a juste pour rear bit. Yes. Quit talking. The fish are sleeping. As Alexander Hayden Sperber left the bank, the die pack exploded. In my mind, he took three steps towards the door. And then boom. Yes.

Getting ready. All over his gun finger. Now, there's a little wrinkle in what I'm about to tell you and all of our listeners that to me just ups the comedy a little bit. The dye pack exploded, getting red dye all over his clothing. And his face. His hand and the cast on his wrist. Wait a minute I know

so he's injured yes got a busted wig he's walking around like DiCaprio in The Departed

yeah so nervous yeah this is a high stakes operation if you've ever heard one yes

maybe he's trying to pay for an operation and that's when are you a cop are you a cop are you a fucking cop

am I a fucking cop are we cops what cop? Are you a fucking cop? Are you a fucking cop? Am I a fucking cop? Are we cops? What is this? Is this a police station? I'll tell you what you aren't going to be. You aren't going to be no fucking truth. Oh!

I'll tell you that right now, okay? You come in here. Oh, you live down south here for on the weekends, visiting your daddy after your parents got divorced. Then you're living up on the north road with care. You're not fucking cops, okay? I know who you are, okay? Dude, nobody nobody has a fucking

Cop Shut the fuck up Shut the fuck Who's a firefighter Who's a firefighter You wanna get in a fight In the street in front Of Little Italy

Just because you had A good time at the theater Hanging outside of the Wilbur You think you're a big man Wanna go down to the club Because you saw someone Dancing there one time And so you think

You're a big fighter But you grab that first bottle Don't you And you break it over Anybody's head that you can And you know why Cause you're nothing but a phony And you know what you'll never be?

You'll never be no fucking Boston. You'll never be a mass trooper. I'll tell you that right now. Masters of Boston. Masters of Boston. I made up a monologue

I barely remember. Sure. Okay, here we go. He left the bank, gets red dye all over his brand new cast. Yep. And that's when he made his memorable...

I would say the red dye was cast at that point. And that's when he made his memorable appearance on Los Olos Boulevard, authorities say. Let me ask you this. When he took off all his clothes because he was covered in red dye, do you think he also looked for a place to throw the finger gun? Yeah. I got to get rid of this. First you discharge it, then you

throw it. You can't just clear the chamber. Take the cannoli, throw the fingers. You spent 22 minutes trying to rub off the cereal. Covered and died. Alexander Hayden Sperber removed the finger gun. You guys.

If you're loving that bit, it's at sklar brothers not bad it's a really good bit no i that's what i'm saying only if you love it alexander hayden sperber removed his clothes and ran naked down los alas boulevard throwing the money into the air as he ran to me this is like joyous yeah this is what liberace wanted to do this is is a Florida parade. This is technically a Florida parade. Yippee! Counts as a parade. Witnesses who captured the bizarre scene on camera said he was throwing out $150

bills. I don't think there is a $150 bill. $100? Who's on the $100 bill is Benjamin Franklin. You know who's on the $100 bill is B. Benjamin You know who's on the $150 bill Alexander Hayden I just used Bitcoin

He was throwing Bitcoin around He was Venmoing everyone he saw With his phone You get $150 You get $150 What's your address I'm not throwing away my shot With his phone just stray Venmo-ing. You get 150. You get 150. You get 150. What's your address? I'm not throwing away my shot.

Witness. Drew Armstrong told WSVN Channel 7. He saw Sperber, but couldn't really believe what his eyes were telling him. I didn't believe the eyes inside of Moscow. Do your eyes talk to you? How dumb is that person? This is what he says. And then this lady passed me,

and I asked her, was he naked? And she's like, yeah, he was naked. That's all in the article? Yes. It's just good journalism. It's good writing.

That's the true detective of this town. Is he in there? Naked? I believe I just saw something with my oculus. Fort Lauderdale police arrested Alexander Hayden Sperber near 800 Northeast 4th Street. Add that.

And they wrapped him in a yellow tarp. So he's like a giant taco with salsa. Yeah. Giant taco who just ran a marathon. Two more fun things here.

After his arrest, I always say this, there's one sentence that gets something right into Dumb People Town. Here it is. Sperber told a special agent that when he woke up

Tuesday morning, he decided, quote, to rob a bank, flee by running naked down the street while throwing money that he stole

during the bank robbery to people in order to begin his career as a comedian. Most people just go to an open mic. I got bumped for this guy? This guy? And he's opening at the Improv on Tuesday night.

You've seen him on Oliveira Street. Boy. You've seen him at the bank. He's been on Action News. He's been on S-E-N Action 7 News. And Comics Unleashed. And Comics Unleashed. By Byron Allen.

Byron Allen. You can't put a leash on this guy. Boop, boop. Out of concern. It is Alex. Hey, that's my man. Out of concern for his health, they called paramedics who took him to the Broward Health Medical Center.

Doctors there found him to be conscious, coherent, and uninjured. He was charged with one count of robbery. His lawyer could not be identified. We're going to get out of here on this. I'm going to ask you guys, how old is Alexander Hayden Sperber? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Can I make a guess?

You get to decide if you want to go first, third, or Tig Notaro. In the middle. She chose second. She chose in the middle. I'm going to go first. Okay. Because I have a theory. Okay.

The Hayden in the name, he has to be younger. So I'm going to go with like 32. Okay, 32 from Hampton. Randy Sklar. I'm going to say 48. 48. Just because I think he's making the decision. He's seen enough stand-up comedy in his time to be like,

I can do that. Okay. Let me go about it in the most roundabout way. This is the act of a 23-year-old idiot. Okay. I agree with Hampton that it's young, Let me go about it in the most roundabout way. This is the act of a 23-year-old idiot. Okay. I agree with Hampton that it's young, but this is I'm out of whatever six-year college program I just did.

Right. And FIU. And now I'm ready. Yep. At Florida Atlantic Gulf Coast University. Well, Mountain Dew Factory isn't hiring. So here I go. All right. Everybody who's listening and dumb people telling with us,

feel free to play along at home. Alexander Hayden Sperber is 25 years. And here's a picture of him. Anybody who listens to this story. Look at him. He looks like he's in twilight. He looks like the kid that they found dead in stand by me laying by the track only he somehow looks less alive than that now you might be saying yourself

you're listening i want to see what he looks like then go over to the dumb people town facebook page all of these get posted up there is he wearing waiting for you whenever you hear this he's wearing he's wearing bruges i think he's wearing pavement. I love it. I love it. That's a great story from Dumb People Town. Before we get out of here, we got a voicemail. You know, we were kicking around Boston Accents, and, you know, we got a voicemail from Mark Wahlberg, who was in that movie, was a fan, obviously.

He's a close friend of this show, and he wants to give us a little bit of a lesson about how to use the Boston Accents and how to properly use it. You have one new voice message. What's up, dudes? It's Wahlberg here. Obviously, you knew that already. I just want to tell you guys, you were talking a little bit of Boston. That's fine. Here's the deal. Don't try. You don't, if you're trying to talk like it, everybody knows. You do this. You kind of whisper angrily. That's all it is.

Feel like you don't want to say the words, but you're being forced to because the person you're talking to thinks they're better than you. But they're not better than you. They were just born somewhere else, and that's their problem, not yours. All right, go see Daddy's Home 2. Me and Will Ferrell are in it, and I kill that movie. Wow. Good plug for that. Fer Me and Will Ferrell are in it. I'd kill that movie. Wow. Good plug for that.

Ferrell? Will Ferrell. Will Ferrell Williams. I love Will Ferrell Williams. Well, this was super fun. Thank you, Hampton Yacht. Thanks for having me. Check him out.

Yeah, follow him on Twitter. Check him out on the reboot of MSD3K, which is You Are Hilarious. I got to see it live in front of Packed House at the Ace Hotel. Fuck it. We'll do it live. It was amazing. You were so funny.

I was so happy you got to come out, man. That was so much fun. I took my daughter and she loved it. That was like a great moment to be like, oh, yeah, it crosses all things. Well, that's a little episode of Dumb People Town. If you like this, you can check us out every Tuesday on iTunes. Yep. Dumb People Town. Subscribe. Rate it. Review it check us out every Tuesday on iTunes. Yep. Dumb People Town.

Subscribe. Subscribe. Rate it. Review it. And we'll see you there. Uh-oh, guys. We've got to get back to work. Get back to work.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound.

Bunker down. It's Dump People Town.