Dumb People Town - Hannah Einbinder - The House That Boysenberry Built

Episode Date: May 18, 2021

This week Hannah Einbinder comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a wedding nightmare. The second story is a horror story of a middle of the night mistake. The final story is the worst kind of surprise to find in your driveway.

Starbanes Avenue Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Punk or down, it's Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population U Population Einbinder Hannah Einbinder Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Einbinder. Hannah Einbinder, welcome to the show. Oh my God, what a momentous week to have you on. I'm so excited. How are you?

Oh my God, I am so happy to be here. You guys know I love you so much. I know. Likewise. So when you were filming this show that we will talk about later in this show, we'll talk about it at the top of segment two. Hacks, baby. Hacks. I was like, you know what?

When this show comes out, we are going to have you on, and we're going to promote this, and the time has finally come. It looks so awesome. But let's talk about it later. First things first, you are a wonderful comic with a tremendous point of view of the world and someone who we just kind of fell in love with as we were on a show at the Virgil with you, hung out in Montreal with you, have just become close friends with you over time. And your unique style of comedy is so perfectly positioned for this show. And so I ask you, we start with all of our guests.

Do you think the world is getting dumber? This world that we live in right now, 2021, May may 2020 are we dumber than we were even may 2020 i mean it's it's an unequivocal yes for me fellas it's simply it's a yes and i don't even have to think about it which can i just say part of the problem because you're not thinking about it you need to think you should be thinking about it yeah that's my shit. I'm a part of the problem. I don't think so. I'm not a part of the solution. But I mean, what can we do?

It's like we got to fight back with comedy. I feel like that's all. We got to fight back with comedy. But I don't know what the solution is, but I think we're getting to a point. You know how pregnant women and doctors used to smoke cigarettes and everyone was like, this is all good. It soothes your throat.

Calms the baby. It calms the baby so they don't kick so hard. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. It makes the babies cool. It's just seasoning. Put some tobacco in there. Sprinkle a little on top. They like it. You want a timid baby. You don't want a crier when they come out. That's right. Yeah. They'll come out with a little bit of that tabacky rasp in their voice.

You could have the next elephant's trail. I believe we will come to a point with social media where we start to see how cancerous it is. Oh, I agree. And there will be some adjustments. I myself have been gradually withdrawing from the internet as

much as I possibly can. Deleted Facebook, deleted Twitter. I'm just on Instagram now. I'm slowly weaning myself off. I deleted Twitter. I deleted Facebook. So now I'm just on Instagram and Snapchat and TikTok.

So I'm basically off. And Tumblr and Pinterest. I'm off, guys. I'm off. All I got is like Reddit, Etsy, Venmo. I'm following you on Venmo. You're amazing. Dude, the content you're putting on Venmo. I know we're here to promote the show. I just want to throw money at you.

The things you do with emojis, like the hands up emoji. You know what, you guys? Get in Venmo quick. Get in now because we're building our followings and you better hop on. Just to see all the things you paid for in the last month, it really tells a story.

Oh, you want to know who someone's dating? Yeah. Don't be stalking their tagged photos. Venmo. Get up in Venmo. You're buying dinner. Get up on theirmo. Get up in Venmo. They're buying dinner. Get up on their purchases. Get up on their purchases. Yeah.

Oh my God. That's so crazy. Well, so we have dumb stories sent to us by our awesome fans. And the easiest way to do that is just, if you got a great story, link it and tweet it at Daniel Van Kirk and do hashtag dumb people town and he can know who sent it first. We can give you the credit. We have a story. Let's jump in one right now.

This story was sent to me. So many give you the credit. We have a story. Let's jump in one right now. This story was sent to me dozens and dozens and dozens of times. You know those stories. Dan's done this long enough. I was like, oh, I can't wait until I get to reveal this to you guys for Dumb People Town. Because I was like, it's the logic. I mean, what it always is, really, and that's what I like about our show, is we're not just saying, look at this idiot. Sometimes that works.

But really, more often than not, we're not just saying like look at this idiot sometimes that works, but really more than often than not we're like but why what were you thinking like what was your lodge free like i got a good idea help me set the driveway on fire like what like but why is that a good idea so here we go sent in by future x step mom at ghost underscore scripted. Thank you. Everything about this person is amazing. I love it. Thank you for sending that in Florida couple tries to have

wedding at strangers mansion without getting permission idiot. So we know this story, but I did this on town already. It doesn't know doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Am I not in Sklum People Town? Dan, I think

this is going to beat it. It's out there. It's out there. It's out there, but it's fine. It doesn't matter. I don't care because

there's so much in this story that it's just... Good thing you don't. I was ready to surprise you guys. Oh, no, no. It doesn't matter.

Southwest Ranchers, Florida, Courtney Wilson and Shanita Jones invited family. I love Shanita Jones. Shanita Jones invited family. I loved Shanita Jones. Shanita Jones invited family.

I loved her on The Office. And friends to their dream home and estate. Now, that means in the invitation. So it's theirs, right? Their dream home and estate. So you sent out an invitation. Yes. Saying we're come to our dream home and estate.

And I don't know. I don't know. I've never been married or even gone far enough down the road. How expensive are invitations? Invitations are expensive. They're not cheap. I believe in sending out save the dates, and then I think everything after that could be a digital digital. Yes. If you want to do an actual

save the date magnet, you took a picture fine, right? Hannah, I'm going all digital. I spend the money on food. Yes, I would argue spend it on the on the open bar yeah i put it towards the open bar yes yeah we don't need yeah but to go so far that you spend whatever it costs i could say four hundred dollars and that feels low i have no idea it's like it's like fifteen hundred bucks yes three thousand dollars for fucking invitation. If you're sending out a hundred and fifty

invitations and are they a letter press? Are they like there's a ribbon on them and they come out just set up a discord channel for your wedding and let everybody get their fights out before you even get to the ceremony. We're doing our wedding on twitch guys. Why not Hannah still on it? All right,

here we go. Courtney Wilson, Janita Jones invited family and friends to their dream home and estate. But here's the thing. Maybe they're saying no, we're not something. It's our dream home. Yeah, like if we were to dream, this would be our home. You know, you have a dream for their weekend wedding celebration, the ceremony, Saturday brunch on Sunday. There's just one problem. The couple didn't own the sixteen thousand three hundred square foot, Florida mansion and more importantly, did not have permission to

use it for their wedding. So were they planning for the format of the wedding to be silent disco because I don't right or is this like improv everywhere wedding? You know what I mean, like we're just going to come in okay. I'm going to bring up a photo of this estate. Hannah, when I saw this, you two jerks already saw it. It looks like a fake house. Bring this up, Alyssa.

Oh my God. How much of that would you even need for the wedding? I imagine. You're probably not outside, right? Because of humidity. This house looks like it is a piece of cardboard on a wooden, like on wooden, propped up with like wooden stilts.

Not like. I mean, if it's real, it looks like Brett Ratner ruined more careers in that gazebo than anywhere else. Look, it screams crime to me. I mean, there's nothing about this house that isn't simply in a world of crime. It is a Ponzi scheme. The house is a Ponzi scheme. Yeah, the house should be built

in the shape of a pyramid. I don't know if you and I have met before today, but I love Paul Downs. We go all the way back to like UCB sketch shows together, and so I've been heavily invested in hacks coming out, but there is an element to the show, show right of somebody who's made it right. Gene smart has made

it like she like you guys rivers like it's a huge house where you guys go, but this is like a joke. This dwarfs that this is a joke, a joke. So imagine if it was just you and like three your wife or

husband and three kids in this fucking house. Meet me in the turret. Which one? Should never be a discussion. See you in the gazebo. Right. So this is the house. They're looking to do it on that back property.

No idea. I think they said the whole house because they're like, come for brunch. I think they want people to stay there over the weekend. The house. The suburban Fort Lauderdale estate had everything a bowling alley, swimming pool with a waterfall cocktail, tennis courts,

co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co doing with an eight hundred foot bar? I don't there's always in the like at the orange arcs. They'd be like too big of a bar. A lot of them. Yeah, you're right. Wilson said it was God's plan that the couple marry there. No. Now this is where we get into like the dumb logic and I'm not about a fan. Is it Drake? So Drake's coming right there. Why that's probably insanity. That's that's right. Exactly.

Although I bet that's on the invitation. Drake's probably officiating. No songs just officiating. He's going to fish in bet that's on the invitation drake's probably officiating no songs just officiating he's gonna fish in but despite what the invitation inferred or i would say blatantly said yeah the actual owner who's named is its own character out of speaking of ucb shows nathan finkel nathan nathan finkel nathan finkel's trying to return something in a coals like he is 100 even though he's a billionaire. I just feel like he's like, this is not my sweater. That was the two teacher vibes. Yes, big time.

I'm going to write, like someone is going to write a movie Nathan Finkel breaks the internet or something like that. Yes. Nathan Finkel. Nathan Finkel's terrible, horrible, awful, no good day. Never gave Courtney or Shanita permission to hold the festivities there.

Wait, so he didn't give permission. Hello, I'm Nathan Finkel, and I don't give permission for anybody to use any part of my house. I don't recall if they asked for my permission, so I'm going to say no. So then what I would say to Shanita Jones and Courtney Wilson is, so you guys didn't secure permission for this. No, send out the invite, send them out, get them out there, get them out. Let's get the crowd together.

If you have enough money to willy nilly, send out hundreds of wedding invitations. Yeah, you could have had a nice wedding, right? If you're a nice wedding, if you're willing to blow, if you got enough money, we're like, well, let's just blow all this money on invitations. It's God's plan. Now, despite what the invitation inferred, the actual or Nathan Finkle

never gave them permission to hold the festivities. I never gave you permission for anything. He was stunned when Courtney last name Wilson. That's from our and B fans showed up Saturday morning to set up and he called police. So Courtney shows up. So I was soaking my feet when they showed up and I was so surprised in an Epsom salt.

What he said, quote, I have people trespassing on my property. Finkel told a nine one one dispatcher and they keep harassing me calling me. They say they're having a wedding here and it's God's message. I don't know what's going on. All I want is for it to stop and they're sitting a wedding here and it's God's message. I don't know what's going on. All I want is for it to stop and they're sitting at my property right at the front gate. Now, I just wanted to

know. I'm sorry, guys. If you have a house that big, you need to be able to defend your ground. Thank you. Yes. Also, not meaning like you need to be able to literally take on the forces that try to raid the castle. That try and wed there.

Also, at that size house, you could have let them have the wedding there and never seen them. You wouldn't even know they're there. Go to Jacksonville for the weekend and charge these people out the ass. Yes. Go upstairs seven times and you'll be fine. Right. You'll be on the eighth of 14 floors and you won't even know. Go to the soundproof panic room.

Go to the bowling alley and bowl a few lanes. Which panic room? The casino panic room or the Coke panic room? Which turn? Go to the bowling alley slash panic room. Yes. Bowl a few lanes with Jody Foster and hang out. Take a nap. Take a nap. I mean, I love

that when he got to the gate, Courtney Wilson doubled down and said they say they're having a wedding here like God's like. Hey, no, if you just keep you know so many times if you just keep saying yes or like if you just keep walking through something, eventually people got they must need to

be there. That's God's plan. That's how Hannah's achieved all of the success in her career. She just keeps saying things and then they just happen. I mean, that's how we all get our success. You just say, I'm going to do this. You write yourself a million dollar check on the top of a mountain and then boom, there you go. And I thought it was weird that you wrote your million dollar check

to Jim Carrey. That was a bizarre choice. I did. That was to get him to burn some files. He'll do it. He'll do it. He'll take some ayahuasca and he'll burn whatever you want. Job for hire. Job for hire right there. Well, so I mean, the crazy thing is though that like you know how like the groom comes first to set up for the wedding? Sure.

When has that ever happened? Yeah, exactly. Two officers told Wilson he would have to leave. He did. No charges were filed. When asked by the newspaper, Courtney Wilson said, quote, I don't want to talk about it.

To which to which the most this is for Bradius. Yes, I don't want to talk about it. But here's the thing. I wish he would talk about it because I would have

to know what wedding they ended up having. And I have to know what did your guests from out of town do that you told to buy plane tickets and come to the wedding. Hey, just landed in Fort Lauderdale. Can't wait for the wedding. So excited. And how about the guests who like took their Molly on the plane as it's

landing going like, this is going to be so much fun here for the be so much fun. I'm peaking right now. Where is this place and here's my thing. So when I was a door guy at a bar in downtown Los Angeles, one Saturday, I usually I worked Saturdays early like I would work like four to eight and it was probably like five thirty six o'clock and there's a big venue in downtown, like run in the corner of like seventh and spring and these people showed up and they the venue double booked the wedding right. So one wedding party gets there and the wedding party that gets there first is

not the wedding party who had it booked first. Oh my God, so the party who booked it way months before this second group, they got their second, but now the other weddings already all set up. Oh my God and you were watching them like psyches melt because they're all there. They've come from the church. Everybody is showing up the brides out on the sidewalk and odds are both of them will get divorced. So yeah, let's start the right side, but I'll never forget. I don't know if he was the guy who was paying for it, or if he was the dad of one of them, I may be an uncle who were very seem to have been a generous person. He had paid for it all and he's they kind

are down closer to the bar and he's talking about it with the person and the person goes. We have three other venues. We can take send you to right now. We've called other places. One of them was where they just had the Oscars Grand Central Station, right station right yeah and they and the guy goes so me in the straining station or union. I'm sorry yeah with the guy goes so you're telling me I go to union station or some other place. He goes yeah and I'm getting my all my money back and the guy goes yeah and he goes then you know what we're going about. We're about to have the best night

because it's like it's already done. There's like nothing you can do. So you might as well either like walk into a bar and just tell everybody story. We're getting ten grand or forty grand back. So everybody get whatever you want. Let's just have a party that becomes your the narrative of the night. We had kind of like this crazy shot. You just gotta keep going. So I would love

to know what wedding Courtney Wilson ended up having this day. Where did Courtney Wilson and the lot of and Shanita Jones go? A senior frogs? They go anywhere, obviously. Joe's Crab Shack, which they own probably. They're like, hey, we own this Joe's Crab Shack. I mean, these guys seem like they're just fine doing it in the street out front where

they're like, this technically isn't a property, but we have to be in view of our dream home. This is our dream street. Yep. Our dream street. Dream street, great band. Dream street does feel like... Dream Street feels like a show that Stephen Bochco kept saying,

I want to make this show. Finkle? I love that. Finkle's late father. It's a musical about sleep disorder specialists. No, it's Brian... No, it's a cover band. Brian Springsteen

and the Dream Street band. Okay. Finally, Finkel, though, is the name of finally Finkel is the name. Well, here's a little bit is the bonus track in Little Shop for seven. Yes, you're right.

Perfect. Finkel, whose late father was an early IHOP restaurant franchisee. Okay. That's how they got that house. Fucking pancakes. Listen, that is strange. The house that Boysenberry built. I know.

That's where they ended up going. Yes. He should have at least offered that. Okay. What is IHOP? And we said this on our podcast. What is IHOP known for? It is literally a house of pancakes.

Sure. A place that house of pancakes. Sure. A place that houses drunk people. Yes. Who need to get their, who need to sort of soak up the night as Matt Bronger says. And want soup out of a bag. That's right.

That's what it does. So why wouldn't you open your actual house that was built on IHOP money to these drunk people who want to just have a wedding? Finkel's been trying to sell the property for two years. Now listing it for just over five million.

So that's what five million will get you in Florida. Jesus also also I know I know, and I thought the same thing. I'm like that's a nice that much for that in Florida. So also, if it's been two years in the market, maybe make some money by letting people have a way to go about. You could have gotten two point nine million, but if it was an event space, Wilson posing as a potential buyer. So he Courtney pretended to be a potential buyer, toured the estate several months ago, said Keith Pollock off an attorney

for Southwest ranches and upscale suburb where Finkel resides. A few months later, this guy asked Nathan if he could use Nathan's backyard. You called it Hannah for this wedding. Nathan said no, but that didn't stop the couple from sending out a lab. Baby, I got a firm. No, it's all systems go. for this wedding. Nathan said no, but that didn't stop the couple from sending out a lab for an invitation. Baby, I got a firm no. It's all systems go.

Wedding's about compromise and we are not going to compromise with this guy. You asked him and what did he say? He said no. All right, let's do it. Let's send out the invitations. This is an issue of consent. I would agree. It's exactly what I was going to say. When it comes to real estate, yes means no.

All right, here we go. In this case. Yes. It didn't stop them from sending out elaborate invitations. That's right. It was expensive. Detailing their love story, they reconnected 30 years after high school and how he proposed over pizza on Christmas Eve.

If you're having proposals and pizza on Christmas Eve, which I'll be honest, the Van Kirk family has had pizza on many a Christmas Eve. Sure, hell yeah. It's not bad. But then you go to this place. That's right. Remember when we started out with pizza on Christmas Eve

and we culminated in stealing those people's property for the day? Remember when we started out on Christmas, pizza on Christmas Eve, and then you got pregnant, and then we had to get married? The Saturday afternoon ceremony would be followed by a red carpet cocktail hour and a reception lasting past midnight. Sunday brunch would be from noon to four.

Was everybody going to stay at the house? Everyone's going to stay at the house. Red carpet cocktail. Who are you wearing, sir? The last, I don't know. I found these clothes in a closet upstairs. Cash, baby. A suit made of money.

The guy figured it was a vacant house and didn't realize Nathan lived on the property in a different home. The guy had no idea he lives there. He lives in a different house on that property, which is what Hannah said. Go find a spot to just hang out and then charge it out. You know the shock that must have been on his face when he showed up at the

gate and the owner was home. Broward County records show a marriage license has been issued to the couple last week, but they had not registered and was married by Wednesday. So that's story number one, my friend. Just the logic, just the dumb. dumb so now i'm gonna put it to you hannah a lot of people were dumb in that story though who do you think in this relationship courtney or shanita took the wheel on this one because who do you think is blaming the other right it feels like a courtney thing he took the wheel and shanita was like asking questions and

he's like i got it i got it so then what happens i would like to think that this is an equal partnership and i like to think that they are both equally delusional okay good sure um it's i mean that is because you want the marriage to last you want them i want them to work out because you don't want shanita to have been like level-headed the whole time and courtney was just like i got it it. Stop asking questions. You want this to be a dream wedding? And then, of course, she gets there. And she's like, babe, what the fuck?

What are we doing? I think that's what happened. You think that's what happened? Yes. When their dream house turned into a nightmare. It's time on the Finkle Files. The Finkle Files. The Finkle Files.

By the way, I am a Finkle File. I love everything about Finkle. I love your big fan. All things Finkle, yeah. You file. By the way, I am a Finkle file. I love everything about Finkle. I love your big fan. All things Finkle, yeah. You're a real expert on it. All right, that's the story number one. Story number one down in the books. Hannah Einbinder is with us.

On the other side of the break, we're going to just hear about this awesome new show on HBO Max called Hacks. It's a two-hander, guys. It's her and Gene Smart. I love this so much and many other great people, but it really does feel like a two-hander we'll talk about on the other side the right this dumb people town don't go anywhere stick around make a sound there's more dumb people town

hey guys welcome back to the show we got hannah einbinder and her new show hacks is so freaking good first of, I'm coming off like a Gene Smart. I just watched Watchmen. I mean, the run for Gene Smart. Watchmen. Started with the Oblongs with us 20 years ago. We were in the same show.

Designing women. But recently with Fargo and then now even Mare of Easttown. I'm loving Mare. I hate texting Gene being like, you know, like Fargo and then now even mayor of East town. I'm loving mayor. I know. Dude, but texting Jean being like, you know,

in the beginning episodes, I was like, okay, like, is it this guy? I love it. And she's so, I mean,

my love for her and what she could handle it just in Watchmen. I was like, holy crap. She is so good. And just was so good in that show. Just perfect. I was like, holy crap, she is so good. And just was so good in that show. Just perfect. I was like, man, I did not even know she had this in her for that. And then you see her in this and you're like, wait,

this is the role that she was built to play. And her dynamic with you on the show is so wonderful. Because she is, like, this is one of the first shows that a lot of times you see, I mean, and I know this comes up in the show woman in man's world, woman battling men, but this is old school woman with new young woman. How does that dynamic? I haven't seen that before. I fucking love it. Yeah. And, and within comedy and what that's like you know what what those two experiences are like and how it clashes and honestly you know how one experience lends

itself to the other and it's it's really um i think it's if we if we learn anything from the show is like not to cast aspersions on other people based on like I mean literally this is the most obvious thing to me I feel but you know on other people based on you know perceived uh differences like truly patience in conversation working things out like not going like oh you have a bad joke so you are a bad person using that as an opportunity to express your feelings around it and have a productive conversation like that's something we need right now in comedy or to look at someone and only see them as who they are in this moment. So there's like a scene in the show and I'm not giving a lot away, but where your character is going back and watching some of her old standup

on video, on a tape and genuinely laughing at the old bits. The reason I love that moment is that I heard you genuinely laugh at things. We've gotten you to genuinely laugh at things. We've gotten you to genuinely laugh at things and that was 100% as natural a laugh as I've ever heard you do in real life. So there was like a, there's such a great

reality to the way this thing is being played. It's just so good. I'm so proud of you. Thank you. In that extended trailer too, that scene where she kind of sees some of you like in her when you're like i'd rather sling bang bang chicken like that like it which is a great little and it's so obviously crucial to even the story arc of the trailer itself but like that moment of like oh you you have some like fuck you energy and i'm a fuck i have fuck you energy

so come back here's the common ground. I see it. And also not living in a world where she's challenged. She exists outside of Hollywood, but is in, quote unquote, show business as a stand-up. But she's not. And it's like this person coming in and being, I don't give a fuck about this world you've built. Like, you're disrespecting me, you know? Yeah.

So good. I'm like so stoked about it. You know what I thought of as I was watching it is just the relationship between, in Maisel, between Brosnahan and the older sort of Borshtey. Lenny Truth? Yeah. Jane Lynch's character.

Jane Lynch's character. I was like, there's a little bit of that sort of borscht. Yeah. Like Jane Lynch's character. I was like, there's a little bit of that sort of interesting thing, but obviously this is a, it's a different thing, but it just hearkened to that sort of like, okay, young coming up this person and more established, which there's, there's sort of. The goal is to be successful so that you can just settle into your success. But the thing that made you successful is the edge that you need on the way up. So how do you keep the edge and be successful? It's such a great circle.

It's so good. Everybody needs to watch it. That's just pure. Another element of it is like, how do you survive? And how it is so much easier to appeal to a larger crowd if you broaden your perspective and that is not always like unique right it's always unique oh my god dude we're dealing we deal with it we deal with it all the time too we're like are we too specific

is this too does this do that should we broaden up that it would feel so much better just walk in front of any crowd and just destroy it and just like bring the house is that who we are and is that taking away from who we are how do we strike because you are trying to strike that balance with this something we grapple with i love that this show is tackling by the way here's like something that you know if you guys like have been so complimentary of me but like my style is um directly influenced by your work as you as you guys both know like you're heroes of mine and i've always listened to your stuff and you guys and like maria banford and dana gould and like really more specific people and so like you exist not only as comedians, but as examples.

And so like, I've seen that in you and now I do that. And so, you know, it's something that is like really enriching to experience. And when you do understand all of the details, like it is such a strong, it's so much, it's, it's such a strong connection there. So it's like, you know, I, I always feel like go more true to yourself, even if it's at the cost of like broader audience, broader audience, but also like maybe that's a terrible business model. I don't know.

No, and it might be. And we don't even, and having been in this business now probably 20 years longer than you, we still don't have the answer. I'm sorry, I wish we had the answer, but we still don't even have it because I don't even know what's right. I have a great question to ask you. Well, I'm going to say it's a great question,

but I'm going to save it for our Patreon fans. So if you're Patreon fans and you like this discussion we're having about this show, I have a very interesting, Jean Smart, Hannah Einbinder dynamic question that i want to ask that you can only get if you are a member of our patreon uh so anyway in the meantime uh we should mention also is it that this said this is dropping on tuesday so that this saturday night after this thing drops uh we by the way let me just say you can watch the first two episodes

they are up now because they drop every Thursday, right? Thursday. If this comes out Tuesday. So the first two will be up. The first one will be up. I think the first two, they dropped the first two today, right? Today, yeah.

And then so you'll want, yeah, you'll be able to. Catch them both and then the third on next Thursday. So jump in, become a part of Hacks on HBO Max. It's a great way to support our friend and support comedy.

But you can come see us do the live Dumb People Town which is happening this Saturday at Nowhere Comedy Club 6.30 p.m. West Coast time.

Get your tickets at danielvancurk.com or nowherecomedyclub.com. The Dough Boys. Yeah, the Dough Boys. We're doing Dough People Town,

everybody. We're going to do the fried chicken sandwich challenge. We're going to eat all of them and see which is the best.

Blind taste test. We got a Greenlee. Chris Thiele from Nickel Creek is going to do the fried chicken sandwich challenge. We're going to eat all of them and see which is the best. Blind taste test. We got a Greenlee. Chris Thiele from Nickel Creek is going to play his mandolin and do his version of the People Down theme. Get your tickets, everybody. We really want to do more of these things, and it really is dictated by if you guys come and be a part of these things. These virtual shows are so much fun. It's a great, I'll say it is a

great way to support us and the work that we do on this show, as well as getting an awesome night out staying in so get your tickets there and that's fun and let's jump into a second ready yeah send him by derrick shipley at derrick shipley d-e-r-i-c-k-s-h-i-p i like how he creative he was with his handle derrick shipley here we go redford michigan now look we're not into victim blaming and this isn't so much this is more of a mistake but if i were to tell you that this happened in dumb people town you would say to me of course

it did okay that's where these mistakes happen this is the failure of thought to get this a middle it even says right here one two three four sixth word a middle of the night mistake. There you go. Neary cost a Michigan woman her vision. She grabbed what she thought was a bottle of eye drops, but it was actually nail glue. Dummy. I know.

I mean, I blame a little. Listen, I'm going to blame eyes wide shut. Eyes wide shut. I'm going to blame a little bit the size of the nail glue like that it would look and feel like a Vizine bottle. Like there are two, like, shouldn't like nail glue be like really wide and rectangular and fat so that you pick it up, you know exactly that that's not what it is. you know when you um you hurt yourself or you make a mistake and there's no other person to blame but yourself but you're still really mad and looking to blame someone else yeah yes very

that to me most that this is like screaming at the concept of it being dark right yes yes how dare why why shit the fucking lights fucking right god fucking damn it dark physics yeah everything why can't i see there should be in everybody's house i'm just gonna say this there should be like there is at the drugstore a cabinet that is locked that holds all the things that can hurt you so you have to wait for an employee to come open the cabinet in order for you to get it. So you realize you left your contacts in. You got to call someone and they're like, hey, Laura, can you come with the key? I need the key. So Laura's in the back.

When she gets out of the room, she'll come out and she'll unlock it and give it to you. Otherwise, you don't get it. Ysidra Williams and her husband, Derek, had been fast asleep Thursday around 1 a.m. Poor Derek. When she woke up and wanted to take her contacts out. Speaking of blame, Derek's going to get a lot of blame here, and he didn't do anything. Yeah, but she also keeps saying, I'm not mad at you, Derek.

Like, I'm just mad. I'm just mad. Well, it sounds like you're mad at me. Well, I'm not. Well, I just woke up, so how am I? Is it my fault? Stop making it my fault. I was dreaming a second ago.

Her eyes were dry, so she grabbed her purse where she kept a small green bottle of eye drops, but it was also where she kept a small white bottle of nail glue in case she ever broke a fingernail. Now, I don't have a purse, but I'm going to ask you this. I do. Dan, I don't know. You do.

You have a fan. Yes, I do. I know, but Hannah, is there any purse in the history of purses that is well organized? No. A purse by its very nature is just basically like a trash can that you sling over your shoulder. It's just shit. My fanny pack satchel thing that I always have is only broken up into two sections.

There's the front zipper pocket and the back. I'm not talking about your fanny pack. Hannah, help me, please. Has any purse ever been organized? Guys, really easy to settle this here. The only well-organized purse is a briefcase. Thank you!

Other than that, it is, as Randy astutely said, a bag of trash. It is like day four of whatever the fire festival. You'll blow anyone for a bottle of water you're as likely to pull out a band-aid as you are like a key to a padlock but i'm like

a purse is like a hobo's asshole it is just dark and lots of history lots of history and if you go inside there you don't know what you're gonna pull out right fair enough yeah yeah and you know unless you're doing routine you know two or three week dumps where you're just let it all go who has that kind of time who has that kind of time not somebody with dry eye i'll tell you that so and a propensity to break her nails but this is my question being a woman, you understand that about your purse. You're like, this thing is a mess in here. This is not organized in any way, shape, or form.

So when it is the middle of the night and you go in there to reach and try and find something, you know there's a chance you're never going to find what you're looking for.

Am I right? I also don't think I've ever been in a dark enough room where I can't like kind of vaguely make out.uely make that's the thing. That's the sad thing is you don't put anything in your eye unless you're sure of what you got.

And so she either wrist it or she thought she really did have her eye drops. She definitely did not turn the lights on. No, do you know what I'm saying? She's like, I'll find it. I'll get it and I'll just by the time she realized what she'd done,

she'd grabbed the wrong one. It was too late. I was like, oh my goodness, which feels like a low bra, like a like a low level way to put it. Yes, you can react a little worse than you can. I was like, oh my goodness, it dropped in my eye and I tried to wipe it away instantly. It sealed my eye shut.

Oh my God, I started throwing cold water and I was trying to pull my eyes apart, but could do not pull your eyes apart when they're glued shut. I think she glossed over the fact of how much she yelled at Derek. Well, there you go. This is the last sentence. It immediately. Yeah, this is a complete indirect reference because she knows who she's

yelling at. So you should know this is I'm going to read it all together. I just started throwing cold water and I was trying to pull my eyes apart, but couldn't. I was just screaming for him to call nine one one for him to call nine one right. We're a paragraph away from it. Damn it,

Derek, you see, I have had bad allergy attacks and like, you know, been like furious at someone for like there being me not having tissues, right? Like this is the closest i've come to this yes um but uh yeah i that's what i that's what i meant like it is it is that

deep shame where you're just looking to put it projected on someone else a little bit she was rushed to the hospital where doctors were able to open her eye and remove her contact lens. They said, get this, that the contact lens saved my vision. So her stupidity saved her. They kept saying, you'll probably lose your lashes, which I did because they had to pull on it and flip the top of my lid, she said. She vows to never keep both eye drops and nail glue in her purse again. First of all, you can get one first of all you can get fake lashes am i right yes yes but if you have no real ones to put them on how do you

how does it it is it's tricky but it would would involve maybe an eyeliner yes an eyeliner and a thing which again you could she probably has that in her purse and then puts that on her eye and it's just a glue stick. I'll never forget the time that, uh, and Nikki Glaser posted this and this made me laugh so hard. And maybe it's just cause we met her dad. She posted a picture of her dad who smiled and he had all this lipstick on his, he just had all this kind of glossy lipstick on his mouth.

And she just captioned it on Instagram. He thought he was picking up chapstick. That's great. Yeah. And nobody told him. Tells you everything you need to know. Nobody told him. Nobody said a word.

Dr. George Williams, the head of Beaumont's health department. Oh, go ahead. What were you saying? Sometimes humans make mistakes that is supposed to that are very reserved for like the dog ate the this. Yeah, I put tiger bomb on my lips once by mistake.

That was a mistake. Dr. George Williams, the head of Beaumont Health's Department of Ophthalmology says that she is not the first person to make this mistake, but she did the right thing by immediately throwing water in her eye. So she's not dumb. She is smart. If you ever get anything in your eye, the immediate thing to do is try to flush her out. Either hold your head under a faucet, get a bottle of

water, hold your eye open and just flood your eye. You'll make a mess, but you may save your vision. He said he says I wish you would have said you'll make a mess, but you can blame it on Derek. Yeah, that's right. He says this is a doctor. If you're ever unsure of what product you mess, but you can blame it on Derek. Yeah, that's right. He says, this is a doctor. If you're ever unsure of what product you're using, you can read the name on the bottle out loud, and sometimes that will catch a mistake. Oh, my God.

So condescending. So condescending. You can turn on the lights like a smart person. Do you think I started out with like, well, little honey, let me tell you. I know you're a big married woman, but I'm going to tell you what you want to do is say the word out loud. Like, oh my God. What am I putting in my eye?

That's it, friends. That should be the thing. And what Dan said initially is 100% right. It's like if you're putting anything in your eye, it's your eye. You should be 100% sure of what it is. And I 100%. You don't wear contacts, do you? No, no contact. anything in your eye. It's your eye. You should be 100% sure of what it is. 100%. You don't wear contacts, do you? No, no contacts.

But I am doing the eye drops frequently because of the itchy eye allergy stuff. Do we scare you straight? You can't. You're going to look at that bottle every time. Look at that bottle. You're not going to put liquid paper in your eye is what I'm saying. Oh, yeah. And by the way, now I'm watching every step I take. This is exactly what I needed.

That's right. We gave you the cautionary tale you needed. There you go. All right. Story number two, friends. Dan, give us a little teaser of what we're going to get in story three. Something bad happens to a person and to the person who did something bad. I like that.

I like that there's retribution. And we're going to get to, for our Patreon fans, a little I Have a Question About Hacks, the new show with Gene Smart and Hannah Einbinder. We'll do that on the other side of the break. This is Dumb People Town. Stick around. Make it sound.

For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Before we get back into the show, we would like to honor the people that support us via Patreon. We love you guys so much, and I hope you're enjoying all the extra content that you get. For those of you who are listening who are like, man, I'm thinking about becoming a Patreon member.

What do I get? You get all this great content. It's extra stuff with the guests. And we're going to shout you out on the show. And we're going to shout you out. Let's shout out some of our favorite people right now Ready first up We have Kristen Wilcha

She's a pillar of the community She Wilcha Annie Lund Little Annie Lund Andrew Britton Andrew Britton Baby Britton Carol Donahue Carol Donahue.

Carol Donahue? I know. Donna Hugh. Donna Hugh. Donna Hugh. I used to watch the Donahue show. Me too. No, don't you tell me.

It was very like, it was pre-Dr. Phil. John Durkin. Durkin. Durkin Donuts, dude. A-tur-Durkin. There you go. A-tur-Durkin. Durkin, up top.

I don't know why some names just work that way jason blowdow blowdow true local this guy blowdow stuck in a blowdow again there you go uh kristin stone kristin stone kristin stone sounds like she's popular girl in a ya novel she's my rock dude kristin True local. She's my redeemer. Josette Covington. Josette Covington III. I mean, this woman is like, she is royalty. She comes from a line of Josette Covington.

She is royalty in that Covington line. Nathan Mountain. Nathan Mountain. Is that from the Strongman competition in 1978? That mountain got us good. The mountain got us good. I'll say this. True local.

You cannot move the mountain. You can't bring Muhammad to the mountain, but you can bring Nathan Martin to Muhammad. That's right. I hope this next person's a DJ. Kylie Rotolo. Kylie Rotolo. It's Kylie Rotolo time. Rotolo could be a cool band. And then we have Caitlyn. Caitlyn.

Caitlyn. What's it? John Boo-Boo? John Boo-Boo. I said Boo-B are you are you a john boo boo i'm a john boo boo more of a michael boo boo are you michael boo boo yeah i'm a john boo boo speaking of michaels we have a city council member michael le boy michael le bois le bois you're going le bois le bois to me is a it's a different group of flavored seltzers can you grab me a le bois give me a le a LeBlanc over there. I'm thirsty.

I feel like this person would always help you out in a fight. Kevin Donlon. He always has a tire iron. Thank you, Kev. I'll take that. Thanks, Kev. Jacqueline Ott. Jacqueline Ott. Thank you, Jacqueline Ott. Simple last name, Jacqueline Ott. I love it. Rachel Canistraro. Canistraro. Canistraro.

Canistraro. Do you have a Canistraro I can borrow? No. Do I have a Canistraro? I buy mine by the jug. I don't have a Canistraro. Canistraro. Canistraro. Canistraro. Do you have a canistraro I can borrow? No. Do I have a canistraro? I buy mine by the jug. I don't have a canistraro. You buy it by the jug? I buy it by the can. Kevin Pasternak. Kevin Pasternak. Kevin Pasternak.

So has Steven Woolsey. Wasn't there Woolsey Fire? It's Woosley. It's Woosley? I'm feeling a little Woosley. Keith Pennington It's Woosley, actually. It's Woosley? It's Woosley. I'm feeling a little Woosley. Keith Pennington, Bear. There's no Bear, though. Pennington, the Bear.

Yes. That's the only movie that's gotten 100 on Rotten Tomatoes. And then Emma Gerard. Emma Gerard. Emma Gerard. Pillar of the Community. Damn. Emma Gerard.

She's an Emma Gerard. Then we have Just Be Otaku. Uh-huh. I tried. Just Be Otaku. Dave Mason. Wasn't Dave Mason? Yeah. Didn't he write the song Classical? We just did. We just did. Yes we have Just Be Otaku. I tried. Just Be Otaku. Dave Mason. Wasn't Dave Mason? Didn't he write the song Classical?

We just disagree. We just disagree. There ain't no good guys. There ain't no bad guys. There's only you and me and Dave Mason. There's only just to be Otaku disagree. Then we have Liz Nola. I haven't been down to Nola in so long

Pam Myers True local Pam Myers writes all those movies that Diane Keaton wants to be in I loved his work on the field Jared Allen This guy can get to the quarterback Let's do one more

Ready Brenda Chipkowski. Chipkowski. Hey, are the Chipkowskis coming over? Chipkowski. Hey, if they're coming, we tell them about make sure Brenda brings that dip. She's got to bring that seven-layer dip. She said she only makes that for the Super Bowl.

You know what she calls that dip? What's that? Dipkowski. No way. I count it. I count it. Chipkowski calls it Dipkowski. No. I count it. Chipkowski calls it Dipkowski. Eight layers.

Eight layers. It's an eight-layer dip. Last layers love. That's how she does it. All right. Let's get back to the show. Dan, take us home. Ready?

Yeah. Here we go, friends. Sent in by Kelby W. Davis at Kelby W. Davis. Thank you. Here's the headline. Woman finds tires slashed and a severed finger in her driveway. What?

Yes. Maricopa, Arizona. So what do you say to yourself? Who did I piss off to fix an election when I heard give me the finger? I didn't realize the dumb person who slashed their tires accidentally cut off their own finger circle gets a square.

Oh, I'll take Jim J. Bullock for the block. A couple of Maricopa woke up to their tires slashed and a severed finger in their driveway Thursday morning. I literally have been laughing all day because if I don't, I might cry, said Francesca wick off the truck. Wick off. Yeah, sounds like something you told her wick off. I get the cleaning. It's a cleaning. Get, wick off. The truck... Wick off. Yeah. Sounds like something you buy.

She told her... Wick off? Like it's a cleaning... It's a cleaning substance. Did you get the wick off? We got to clean... The bathroom smells terrible. We need the wick off.

It's also good for cleaning the chimney, weirdly enough. But isn't that... You know, that woman from the previous story, she put wick off in her eyes. She did. She did. Because a witch told her to. Witch off?

Witch off. Witch off. Witch of the West. We west combining all our stories but aren't those lyrics to a bruce springsteen song my tires got slashed and i almost crashed but there's a finger in my driveway yes that is okay the truck belongs to the wick off family wick off

a former volunteer firefighter and emt thank you has the stomach for this sort of thing it's pretty comical you would think that if you're going to go to the hospital, especially if you just severed your finger off that you would take said finger with you said Francesca wick off believes they just only put calls person with off like there's some sort of basketball pick up game. Hey wick off right three more. You need three more. Mick off wick off

believes the tire slasher cut her back tire, then cut his finger off on accident. That is we know it's a he okay, because I think they know who did it, but also this is like perfect instant karma.

Yeah, like it's like literally instant karma. It's a good idea. We assume that it happened at ten thirty last night because is this a good idea count to four and then tell me we assume it happened at ten thirty last night because is this a good idea count to four and then tell me we assume it happened at ten thirty last night the criminal. Here we go

because we had our neighbor that lives next to him. He heard a loud scream and then a car speeding off. Oh my God, Maricopa mother, a great show on Maricopa mother believes played by Hoda Kotb. The finger belongs to her neighbor because they argued with him the night before and a trail of blood led to his house. Okay, you can't stop the trail of blood.

I know quote. I didn't I don't find joy in anybody hurting themselves. Plus for the next week, he would only wave to her wearing an oven mitt. Okay, kept giving a black power fist, but he's not even black. However, karma Plus for the next week, he would only wave to her wearing an oven mitt. Okay. Kept giving a black power fist, but he's not even black. However, karma has a good way of working itself.

Yes, it does. Wick off. On Monday, Maricopa police confirmed to the Arizona family that the suspect involved in the incident was indeed the neighbor, Kevin Johnson. He has been charged. So it is in Phoenix. Kevin Johnson, Phoenix son who ran for mayor and lost the finals to Michael Jordan. He has been charged with criminal damage,

assault, threatening and intimidating and disorderly conduct. And dismembering himself. Couldn't have been part of the plan. He took his wick off. I've never slashed a tire, but guys, what would you be? You'd have to have one hand on the tire. You took his wick off. I've never slashed a tire, but guys, what would you be? You'd have to have one hand on the tire and then you're

slicing towards. Yeah, but the tire's not going anywhere. You don't need the steadying hand when you slash. You never slash or cut or slice towards yourself. He was giving her the bird in the middle of it. Cut that finger off. Cut off his finger to spite his face.

I mean, so now you're going to get busted on the slashing tires thing too. Which finger? Do we know which finger? No, they didn't say. God, I want to know. I know. I do too. But it's either pinky or index.

That's the only two I feel like I'm going with. Do you get a prosthetic finger? Are we thinking he has one hand planted on the tire and then cutting towards his own hand, which is a dumb move. When you could start with them together and cut away. Well, it's probably the pointer finger, which he shouldn't have been doing in the first place. Agreed. Dude, you pointed a tire. You got three fingers pointing back.

What is that? I don't know. Well, one less now. Yeah. The pointer sisters. There you go. All right. That's story number three, my friends.

Holy jeez. That's our good fun day with Hannah wow stupidity all abounds hacks I cannot wait to like you know further dig in this series

everybody check it out and just support her and follow Hannah follow her on on Instagram only Instagram only she's a good follow alright

we do we follow her damn it yes we do and oh shit oh shit we gotta get back to work Stick around, make a sound

Come here down, it's Dumb People Town A podcast network.