Dumb People Town - Henry Kaiser - Anal Ventures

Episode Date: September 9, 2022

This week Henry Kaiser comes to town to hang with Daniel, Randy and Jason. This week's story is another from the someone-got-something-stuck-in-them file!If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. 

Skypains Avenue Hey, Donnie's, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Kaiser. Henry Kaiser. Welcome to the show. Hey, how's it going? Hey, dude. We are neighbors. Jay and I have done wonderful clubhouse events with you. You are a great comic, a great comedic mind, and this is a long time coming. I'm so excited. Yeah. Happy to have you. Because as I would walk in the neighborhood, we'd pop by each other sometimes and you're like, you got to do an episode. I'm like excited yeah because as I would walk in the neighborhood I was we pop by each other sometimes and you're like you got to do an episode I'm like yeah okay but only only close to Labor Day yeah yeah yeah it's like this in the

last possible time I'm glad you're wearing your white shorts and I'm glad we're here and you know what it's some people town and there's dumb stuff happening there's some stuff even happening in our neighborhood so the time we need you here to break this down with us. Dan has a story. We get it sent to us by our fans. They just tweet at Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag Dumb People Town. He knows what order it comes in.

He can give credit where credit is due. I try. Let's jump into a story. Ready? Yeah. This was sent in by Carlene McDermott at SheBeCarlene. One of our favorite contributors. She's a stringer, as it were.

Mm-hmm. Okay. Doc, look. It, as it were. Okay. Doc, look. It happens throughout the year. Okay. We celebrate it at the end of each year. Okay. But every once in a while.

But it happens throughout the year. Sometimes people... So at the end of the year, we usually do... What have we gotten stuck in ourselves? What are all the things we've gotten stuck in ourselves this year? I thought you were going to say that near to the end of the year is Colin Hayes' birthday, December 11th. That's right. Well, that is true.

Never forget. The list that we get, it's compiled from actual reports and hospital ER reports and all that stuff. It starts from ears and works its way through every hole down. And it's really just what was the thought. We try and work the steps back. Thank you. Usually it's sexual gratification sure yeah i've had one myself but not really you got something stuck in you i think i rolled up a part

of a starburst and put it in my nose once wow that would make the list yeah so yeah i'm done and this happened last year two uh i literally that's why i was a few minutes did you taste the rainbow i did smell the whole those are skittles right yeah yeah sorry either way starburst is what the little squares but they're not taste the rain starburst isn't taste right i don't think they have a i think their tagline is just like yeah it's pretty good yeah kind of bursty you know what we are right What if Starburst? Not bad. Starburst. You probably like one of us.

It's a Jewish cousin from Brooklyn. Starburst. You give it a try. You try. You try. Doctors discover shocking items stuck in man's bowels. Oh, yeah. Down in the basement. Poor guy.

Down in the basement. An Iranian man who was taken to the hospital with constipation by his wife was holding a secret about the true cause. We know where he was holding it. And this is going to sound terrible, but this is why you don't have a repressive society. Sure. Because stuff like this is going to start happening. I think it happens in all societies. Yes, of course.

But no, but he's saying she took him there for constipation but he had to hold it as a secret he had to keep a secret in in other societies you're like yeah i sat on a candlestick i put a crab i love my asshole i like it like that right he was double holding right he was holding it in and holding it in yeah and holding okay doctors described how they removed a huge foreign object from his rectum that had been there for days. Bowling ball, Dan? No. I mean, how far do we... Bowie knife?

The unnamed man was brought into the hospital by his wife after she grew concerned about his lack of appetite, stomach pain, and constipation. Talk to your partner. Honey, you just don't seem hungry. Also, that means she's also not a part of this body exploration. She should have been the one who put it up there. Exactly. I mean, he's hiding more than just what's in his desires. Repressive society.

He didn't have any concerning vital signs and was not unwell. So that's a plus. He's doing pretty good. Here's the good news. Here's the good news. What if he just didn't like his wife's food? And she's like, you got, honey, you're going to the hospital. It's even worse.

He stuck that up there to have a reason rather than tell her the truth about that. Or the food was so bad, he's like, you know what? I got to put it the other way. Here's the good news. Your vitals are fine. The bad news is you do have a grenade in your ass. And we've got to get it out right. And your wife's sister.

And by the way, your wife's cooking is terrible. that's also bad news for you in the future moving forward after having a ct scan the shocking truth came out it showed a full bottle of water around the size of 250 milliliters stuck in the pelvis area which is that no it's like this oh my god i would say it's like a SodaStream bottle. But that's not next to anything. That could be seven feet. Is this the definition of unsmart water? So this is 500 milliliters, this dumb water.

So it's roughly eight ounces, maybe. This is 500 milliliters? Yeah, 500 milliliters. Oh, I thought I was more impressed with him than this. This is 16.9. He put a tiny eight-ounce shampoo bottle in his bum. No, no, the little ones. The little ones you get when you go to a meeting.

The freebies. When you go to a meeting, yeah. The mini Dasanis. Did someone get you water? You guys get water? You guys get water? He's just starting out. I thought he was a pro.

He was starting out. I was thinking SodaStream. I thought he was really- Dan, SodaStream? You think that's impossible? Yes. You're wrong. It's a repressive society.

You've got to start a little sooner. You've got to start. Yeah. You've got to start. Yeah. But now I'm like, I don't even know if he deserves our time. Oh, come on. A water bottle of any sort up the old bunny hole is- It's barely a plug. 250 milliliters.

It could have been a whitey. I just made up the term. It could have been a whitey. Okay, yes. He could be going for gape. If he's going for gape, then I give it to him. Okay. All right.

Going for gape. Going for gape if he's going for gape then i give it to him okay all right going for gape going for it the bottle had been inside the man for how many days days oh my gosh how many days of not telling his wife what's going on okay not eating any food okay so for you you gotta to lose your appetite it's got to be a few days it's got to be at least three so let's say eating less and less i'm gonna go for six. I don't know why. It just feels like the right number. I'm going to say nine days. Nine days?

Nine days. I think three days. Okay. Three days of not eating and his wife's like, he has to answer for that. Okay. Think about that.

Three days if I'm not eating. Sure. We're going to take a quick break. When we come back, we're going to find out what all of us are up to, plug some stuff, give some shout outs,

and find out how many days this guy had this very unimpressive small bottle in his butt. Pain in his ass. Pain in his ass. We'll be right back. Right after this. After this. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Before we get into all the great things and how you can support Henry Kaiser, we want to remind people, watch our UFC show, The Nosebleeds. Guys, it is out, and thank you. By the way, from the Nosebleeds executives, I'll give you a little pull back the curtain a little bit.

Some of the talk around the building there is that your fans, your Cheap Seats fans, your Dumb People there is that your fans your cheap seats fans your dumb people town fans your fans have come out in force and you guys have done a great job all the people who have commented and watched the show on youtube thank you thank you please do it you haven't checked out yet watch it watch it again i'm sure there are jokes that you miss because there's so many jokes go visit your parents and log in from their devices thank you leave a comment from your mom's thing. It doesn't matter. Anyway, it's super fun, but the more people get to watch it, the more of a chance we'll get.

Watch it, like it, enjoy it. Yeah, the more we'll get a chance to make more. So thank you for that. Randy and I are going to be in Ann Arbor on the 22nd, 23rd, or 23rd, 24th at the Ann Arbor Does this drop on the 9th? Yes, I think it does. Great. Yes, so we'll be there.

Dan, this weekend. I'm in Hawaii right now. He's in Hawaii right now. Yes. Honolulu, go see him. Get on a flight. Jump over to the island. I don't care. Or if if you're on the island we have a lot of island fans tell us uh stand up stand up honolulu i'm there tonight the 9th and then tomorrow the 10th and then i'll just

be around the island probably doing like magnum pi walking tours original jumping off bridges jumping off bridges uh and jeff bridges dance guy yeah straight off jeff bridges on tour road sure yeah i mean and he's doing that against all odds guys so uh so uh and and other great stuff dan's doing a little i want to call it a kind of a southern tour yeah on the on october 5th 6th 7th and 10th i will be in that order uh austin lafayette houston, and College Station, Texas. Go to DanielVanKirk.com. It'll be a fun little run before our fun run. Our fun run, we're also doing on October 7th,

we're doing the Thousand Lakes Comedy Festival in Minneapolis. One night, one show. We're doing one show, one night at a theater, so that's going to be really fun on October 7th. If you go to SuperschooledLives.com, you can check it all out. Henry, how can people follow you and just enjoy the great things that you do? Well, I would say Twitter. Yes.

Yeah, at Henry Kaiser. Right. Instagram, at Henry Kaiser. I got all of these things very early. Good for you. Early adapter. If anyone knows how to get this. Is it adapter or adopter?

I think it's both. Okay. I'm just trying to help out. I think it's adopter. I guess trying to help out. I think it's adopter. I guess you can adopt early. Sure, sure. We don't have to go on a whole run about adopting early, right? I mean, we could.

When is an adoption an adoption? And is it early, like when you're 13 and you adopt? Can you terminate an adoption early and long? Maybe. Not anymore. I don't think we can. That would be, yeah. We can't go into that right now.

We're not even legally allowed. No, no, no. I'm sorry to even bring it up. So sorry, sir. I didn't think we can. That would be, yeah. We can't go into that right now. We're not even legally allowed. No, no, no. I'm sorry to even bring it up. So sorry, sir. I didn't know there was a camera there. Perfect. But yeah, it's like in Jimmy Fallon when he's looking at the wrong camera.

It's always my favorite. But yeah, no. At Henry Kaiser on Twitter and Instagram. I'm on Clubhouse. Still doing stuff there once in a bluey. I love the stuff you do on Clubhouse because I think it is perfectly and uniquely suited. Jay and I just did a Reddit for

what we do in the shadows and it functioned very much like the Clubhouse where there was a moderator and then someone's like, oh, this person has a question and they spoke and I was like, oh my God, I actually... Forgot how much we love doing fun.

How much I love doing that. It just was a blast. We did stand up on those shows, I actually, I love doing that. It was a blast. We did stand up on those shows. I mean, we did. Yeah. Did you help us do the stand up show one time where Jay was driving? No, it was someone else.

Someone else on Clubhouse where Jay was driving one direction and I was driving another direction and we hosted a show on Clubhouse. We're in two separate cars going separate ways. I might have heard that one though. Yeah, that's one of the cool things about it, is that even if you're sad and depressed and can't leave your house, you can still be very funny.

That's right. And bring joy to other people. So I love that you're doing all that stuff. All right, when we left this whole crazy- Oh, before we get into that, we do have some exciting changes. Not crazy changes, but augmentations to Dumb People Town that will be happening in October. That'll start in October.

It'll be super fun. We'll let you guys know about that. It's coming. Like winter on Game of Thrones. It's coming in a great way. And we have a shout out or two, I believe. We do, yes. Ashley Carr.

I want to shout out some of our patrons. Ashley Carr. Drive my Ashley. There you go. Who else? Another townie, Keely Heck. Keely Heck. Keely Heck.

What the Keely? Keely Heck. And then a pillar of the community. Let's hear it. Sarah Early. Sarah Early. Never late. Never late.

Always on time. Always early. So we left. We talked about a very unimpressive small bottle in a man's ass. Dan, it is still a big deal. Dan, don't downgrade it. For people just listening, Dan is very sad right now. He is.

I just don't know. He's sad. I mean, I get that you can't get it out. I appreciate that emergency. But also, what are you doing? If you're going that small, there's so many other things you could have used. I mean, maybe he's working his way up to this ball. Well, maybe he's working his way down.

Oh, could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gauging down. He's got a flask in there. Exactly. How many days did you say, Henry? I said 14. No, I've said six. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's gauging down. He's got a flask in there. Exactly. How many days did you say, Henry? I said 14. No, I've said six.

Six? I said nine. I said three because I'm like, this to me is more about his wife being like, you're not eating my food. Sure. The first time he doesn't eat the food, she's going to be like, what's wrong? Yeah. One of you is exactly right.

So now we get to play the game. Who do you think is right? Who do you think is right? Henry? Do you want to stick with yourself, or do you think somebody else is exactly right? I like the three. I respect.

We also did all multiples of three. But I think I'm going to stick with six, because I feel like the first, your appetite's not going to change for a few days. Sure. Because, you know, digestion takes at least five minutes. Sure. And I mean, what if he's eating gum?

That's seven years. There you go. He's just eating a style stand. It's Brad Pitt level. I'm staying with nine days. I'm staying with three. I'm sticking with it. Everyone stay and put.

And mine's the average of the two. The bottle had been inside the man for three days. Yes! Well done. The bottle was lodged in the rectum and even entering the colon, which is the large intestines, while the bottle top was about 10 millimeters from the anus opening. The doctors wrote...

So he put it in backwards. He put it in backwards. Wouldn't you want to go... Oh, see what I mean? Maybe he ate it. Dan. No. I'm kidding.

So he put it that way. Maybe he was bottle flipping and sat on it. Wouldn't you want to go this way to kind of create the space? Give yourself a string or something, man. The bottle he did that way so it would be easier to come out. And he failed epically both ways. Guys, this is way bigger. Anytime you have to get a doctor involved to remove.

The microphones love that. He's going to do this. Anytime you have to get a doctor involved to remove. Well, the doctors wrote, quote, because of his embarrassment and fear of his wife, he did not provide any history of the presence of the foreign object in the rectum and arrived at the emergency department late. He shows up and he's like, maybe you guys want to take an x-ray?

Yeah. Clearly. I don't know what's going on. Whatever you take out, let's just not, this will be our little secret. We don't have to make this a big deal with my wife. Clearly the wife had not been involved in the middle-aged man's anal ventures. No. Okay. Again, what did I say about this been involved in the middle-aged man's anal ventures. Again, what did I say about this? Anal ventures.

It's a great venture capital firm in Calabasas. See me Valley. They do a lot of backdoor deals. Anal ventures pet detective. I love that movie. Luckily, there were no signs the man's balls had been stabbed by the open bottle. The patient was taken straight

into surgery where he was given anesthesia to relieve the pain. Then he was forced to drink the water. This quote, when you know the context of what they're doing. Then the bottle was, quote, carefully and slowly dragged from the rectum. Dragged. Why would you just

say removed? I dragged. Aren't they talking about what the wife like did after like shame and slowly dragged him through the town square this to me sounds like a kid who doesn't want to leave a birthday party we carefully dragged him out of the play zone carefully and slowly dragged from the rectum to the opening of the anus by the surgeon without rupture or bleeding which that's some breathing that's real life operation don't let it touch the side you touch the side it's gonna yeah do you get the forceps i mean this is like a baby do you think the doctor said after speaking

of operation i'm the doctor for you yes you think maybe that's great that's great after the man spent five days in the hospital ward where he had no sign of internal damage and he was discharged, reports list the man, and we're not done here, but reports list the man as being how old. Oh. How old. Said middle-aged Dan. You wish they should have kept that to yourself.

Three, six, and nine? Yeah. Why would you give up your old clue? 27. No, I think he's got to be hiding it from his wife. So I think I just have to say he's probably over 37. Wow. 30, 39.

39. Another multiple. 58. 58. So I think this is a relatively new thing. Like he's always been doing this since he was sort of sexually active or realized that this is something he liked to do. Sure. There's nothing wrong with liking to do this. Just be safe. I also think he's just, this is something you like to do. Sure. There's nothing wrong with liking to do this. Just be safe.

I also think he's just – this is not a guy who's been doing it for – I think he's only 29 years old. Oh, you think he's a rook? A rook. This is a rookie mistake. Okay. Look, you don't throw the baby out with a bottle. The man who had to have his butt dragged.

I mean, do we call this like the ultimate form of bottle service? Is 55 years old. You guys weren't paying attention. Dan earlier in the article said the middle-aged man. You guys weren't listening. What is middle age? 75 is middle age. The way this guy lives, middle age is about 20. He ain't going to survive if he keeps sticking things up there.

Experts said most of the time foreign objects are inserted into the anus for sexual gratification. Where's my camera? No shit. No shit. Great job, Eric. They are normally smooth, rounded, or egg-shaped to make removing it easier. Yes. Obviously.

But various instruments, including, and here's what they list, including bulbs, bottles, billy clubs, impulse body spray cans, and turkey basters have been retrieved by doctors. But the most commonly described items are... What do you think it is? Water bottles. Plastic or glass bottles. Cucumbers. Yeah, of course.

Cucumber. Light bulbs. Carrots. Light bulbs. I have a bad idea. There you go. As well as tube lights. Tube lights.

Ready for this one? Axe handles. No. As well as tube lights. Tube lights. Ready for this one? Axe handles. No. They said that's common. But didn't they also say impulse body spray before? That was from, yes. So why do they keep throwing in companies like axe body spray? Yeah, exactly.

Axe body spray. No, axe handle. Broomsticks. That's disgusting. Carrots. Who said carrots? I said carrots. There you go.

Baby carrots. Baby carrots. Wooden or rubber instruments? Well, I mean, like a violin would be a wooden instrument. Exactly. Woodwind Wooden or rubber instruments? Well, rubber. I mean. Like a violin would be a wooden instrument. Exactly. Woodwind? Like a piccolo?

Oboe. Depends how big the opening is. It costs the NHS. Is that the National Health? Yeah. Society. Society. National Honor Society, too.

Yeah. It costs them how much to remove objects removed from anuses per year? Oh, per year. How much do you think the NHS spends in U.S. dollars to get it out? To remove objects shoved into anuses annually. So this is in England, isn't it? Yes, but I've converted. I had a feeling.

I've converted. So we have to do our conversion. No, I did it. It's in your brain. You already did it. How much do they spend? The population's smaller, roughly Florida. Let's say $2,300,000.

U.S. dollars. Okay. I'm going to say $750,000. Okay. $5 million. Randy, $5 million? Per year, they spend $403,000. There you go, Jay.

$403,900 to be exact. Beautiful. In cases of foreign objects that have to be surgically removed, more than two-thirds of the patients are males around what age? I'm going to change. I'm going to lean towards. We'll get out of here on this. I'm going to go with like 52.

The average male who comes in and goes, you've got to help me out here. I don't know why. I'm totally wrong, but I'm saying 52. 52. I'm going to say 39. 39? 43. 43?

It's been wonderful having you here today. Sorry. Patreon fans will have a story from Henry about a dumb thing that he's done. The average male, age of a male, I guess it also tends to be male, who come in to say, you got to help me out here, drag my butt, is 35 years old. I was closest. That's how we do age. Jesus loves when he dies.

It makes me wonder though. So 35, what are they doing? Is it because they're doing other things up until then and they're like, you know what? I don't know what to do anymore. By 35 you start to be like But they're not saying most of them are 35. They're saying that's the average age.

So you're just getting. 54-year-old is raising the average. Probably most people are on 32. There you go. Henry Kaiser, love that you came and did a little Dumb People Town with us. Thanks for having me. Patreon fans, he's going to have an extra story for himself. I want you guys to know specifically that this story,

because I thought I might have to tell one, is so dumb that I give you permission to put it on patreon or dumb people down any time story yeah do you not want to miss that's a great that's we call it where's my camera that's in the ground we call the business a great tease Henry Kaiser love you and oh shit we got to get back to work Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.