Dumb People Town - Henry Zebrowski - Chirk Dones

Episode Date: August 29, 2017

This week, actor and comedian Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, Your Pretty Face Is Going to Hell) rides a ghost train all the way down to Dumb People Town! The guys give us an update on Jan Flato before getting into Story #1, in which a dared...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. And today we take you to the last podcast on the left.

For our guestage. That's right. Yes. Henry Zebrowski, you are one of three. Yes. We can relate to that. We love your podcast. It is relatable.

It's extraordinarily popular. It is, I put it in the same category of, like we have the dollop guys on, our good friends Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds. Well, Gareth Reynolds. Well, Gareth Reynolds. Dave, we tolerate him. It's questionable. I understand that. They're incredible.

They're amazing, and their show kind of does what we do for regular dumb people in the world's getting dumber. We all know that. And people are doing dumb things all the time, and so we like to make fun of it. That's the way we fight back. They do it for history and historical events. And you guys do it for the macabre.

Yeah. You know what I mean? The howl. Yeah, it's nice because we can all live in little homes. No. Little horrible,

disgusting little homes. Each podcast lives in its own cute neighborhood, but technically in the same city. But what I can say is that if you are a fan of what we do here and if you're a fan of the dollop, you will be a fan. You don't know Last Pot on the Left. You will become a fan of that podcast simply because the same spirit's not that. It's not that. Not anymore. No, we've changed. If Rachel Maddow

got mysteriously murdered, you guys would probably By a UFO. By a UFO. You guys would talk about the details of that. Is it bad to say I'd be excited by it?

No. There's certain bits of Nymformation that I listen to where I'm more excited about it and it activates me. Did you just call it Nymformation?

Nymformation. You're a Nymphomania. Yeah, I am. You're a Nymphomania. No, but it is, like i i loved the l ron hubbard episode mainly because i've known some things about l ron hubbard but i will say this you inspired me to look on youtube and watch a bunch of crazy videos of l ron hubbard talking because i was like oh they talked about going down the wormhole with him i went down the wormhole and

i loved it uh in my car i can hand you technique 88 which i've been listening to which are his lectures and it is boring it is very very boring it is very difficult to listen to while driving but i do but i'm now discovering that i'm lost in a world where i completely understand the shit that he says and in his jargon you just get locked into a rhythm and all of a sudden he's like yes send your C, or we're all a part of it. We're psyched. You're Metatron-ing. I'm gonna lay hands on you.

Pull your pants down. I mean, that just, you guys do great Larry Flints. Thank you. Every time we do a Larry Flint. No, like,

one of you are just like, four Larry Flints. That was my first improv group. Four Larry Flans. I need a suggestion. A dance hall. A wheelchair. How about a scene where a girl pees on her own ankles?

Is it bad to write? I shouldn't be writing on my feet. I should just follow the fear. So anyway, you guys did, it is stuff about L. Ron Hubbard. You guys cover recently the Kurt Cobain, in a two-parter, the Kurt Cobain death, like all angles of it.

When you say death, you mean murder. Well, there's a question. Suicide or murder. You guys cover every angle of it, but your observations about Courtney Love, and I forgot who, Kissel might have said it that courtney love is the tanya harding of punk yes that is a such a hilarious observation and i just again the last plug i want to make for it for our fans who have not heard this podcast last podcast

on the left it is three dudes who know each other very well, who, like us, know exactly when to interject and when to lay back. And your rhythms are fantastic while you're dealing with things that are super interesting. A little bit dark. A little bit dark. You definitely go for the darkness. We go right. Yeah, we go straight into the heart of it because in the end, because we always believe in order to do jokes about this type of content, you have to be willing to go as dark as the content. Which I love it.

And you guys do it beautifully. So last podcast on the left. And I'm so. So in listening to it, I was like, oh, my God, I can't wait because you're kind of the loosest cannon on that show. I'm the wild card. You're the wild card. If you own it on a pitch sheet. I'm the wild card.

So I'm so excited to have you as the wild card in this show. Sure. And for your listeners who may be coming to this show for the first time. Dan gets stories sent to him by our listeners. Townies. They are boots on the dumb ground. They find dumb stories of dumb people doing dumb things. Dan breaks them down.

Randy and I have not heard them. Neither have you, Henry. Great. No. So we're all hearing them for the first time, but Dan, the excitement that Dan has to share these details with us is just beautiful. The world's getting dumber. We need to be able to

laugh at it. Or have, that's our way to fight back. But guess what, man? It's that we weaponize the dumb. We're weaponizing the dumb against them, and also, when all the shit goes loose, all the rules are gone. The rules are gone. And only the strongest and the funniest survive. That's right. Technically, we should all get weapons, though. Sharpen that wit.

We need guns. Sharpen your wit, Dan. If jokes were bullets, we'd be killing everybody. That's right. Dan, what do you got? All right, here we go. This was sent in by Eric James Hiltner at EJH underscore 3K. I'm a member of the Hiltner Honors Program.

Oh, really? I have so many points. A lot of blackout dates? Yes. Well, that is the problem. You can't go through Easter. When you say blackout dates, you're talking about Paris Hiltner. No, that's right.

She's got so many blackout dates. All right. This one, I imagine some new people will be joining us in town with our guests here. So this first story, a little darker. Oh, nice. Look at you. He shifted it for you, Henry. But still centered around white people.

Yeah. Of course. Of course. Good, good, good. Niagara Falls, New York. Oh. On the New York side. So we all know the Canadian side is way better.

There are. Or the New York side now. No, no. Someone was telling me that there's a tradition where Canadians will come to the United States and they would leave garbage bags full of clothes. Of clothes. What? They would leave them or get them.

They buy new clothes and put them on and then leave their old clothes in the parking lot. Yeah, those Canadian rags. Yes. Leave them here. We'll take care of them. We love to burn. Is that real? Yes. I got to figure out if it was people going to Canada and doing it or people going to the United lot. Yeah, those Canadian rags. Yes, leave them here. We'll take care of them. We love to burn. Is that real? Yes. I gotta figure out if it was people going to Canada and doing it or people going to the United States. I don't know

and that was just a great tidbit that I left. Well, there are so many... Way to do your research. Thank you. There are so many levels in this opening sentence. Try to just hold your applause until I finish the sentence. Okay, let's hear it. A daredevil who died...

Jeez. Did he... Doing what he loved. Doing what he died doing what he loved. Attempting to die. Are you a daredevil if you die? All right, if you're a daredevil and you're in Niagara Falls and you're not going over the falls,

then you're a bad daredevil. A daredevil who died after plunging over Niagara Falls in an apparent stunt with an inflatable ball might have brought a boa constrictor along for the ride. It was not an apparent stunt. That was definitely a set-up stunt. It was an accidental stunt. That was, so he had a blow-up ball and might have brought a boa constrictor. Might have brought a boa constrictor along for the ride.

Did he invite him or did he bring, like, that goes back to Paul F. Tompkins' old bit, you know, maybe the parakeet doesn't want to go on your dumb errands with you. That's his bit, you know, take him on the bench. So my question is, and now we have- So there's a guy with a snake. The snake does not choose that. The snake did not choose to go with the ball. Now do we have to figure out, is this guy, did he get the boa constrictor to go on this journey

with him or is this his pet that he has hanging out with him that's what i was gonna say what do i need you said henry you said that the snake did not want to go on this ride yeah i would i would posit that a snake person believes the snake does want to come with them me and the snake we are psychic hey man just relax snake owners say things like look at him he likes it he likes it he likes it now I'm gonna posit this and I know this is crazy you You know, sometimes in certain sexual situations, this is the only way this guy can orgasm. This is it. On a rubber ball, going over Niagara Falls with a boa constrictor around his neck. So let him celebrate himself.

Right? Let him celebrate. That's the only way he can orgasm. Why trash him? Maybe he knew he was going to die and was going for the best headline possible. Possibly. If his body tests positive for leukemia, if you find out that he was riddled with cancer,

then you absolutely change your attitude towards this guy. You're like, this guy's a hero. He listened to some Bon Jovi and went down in a blaze of glory. But here's my question. Why just a rubber ball? Why not a rubber raft? Why not a barrel? Didn't someone survive in a barrel?

If I'm the police, and I'm the Niagara Falls police police here am i ruling out that the snake wasn't behind this maybe the snake's like i've been trying to kill this son of a bitch for a long time i can't do it maybe i can encourage him to go i believe that he thinks the snake's talking to him he's got some sort of like slytherin situation oh for sure yeah they're having a lot of conversations later i'm gonna now show you guys his picture. Which will move on our Facebook page. And are you going to ask how many relationships he's been in where he's delivered this phrase to,

or the woman's delivered this phrase to him, it's the snake or me? I'm going to tell you right now, on looks alone. Henry, I'll explain to you after I say this. Okay. This guy's going to give Jan Flato a run for his money. Okay. This is an inside joke. Jan Flato a run for his money. Okay. This is an inside joke.

Jan Flato was a guy who was on our show. For many weeks, he became a part of our show. We called him Jan Flato for years. For years. Someone just tweeted today, Jan Flato. I'm going to say Flato, even though it's Flato. Jan Flato opened up for Steely Dan, and Steely Dan didn't know it. And Randy said, neither did he.

No, but Jan Flato is a guy who... Flato. and Steely Dan didn't know it. And Randy said, neither did he. No, but Jan Vlado is a guy who... Flato. Flato is a guy who went to a casino with... A friend. I'm going to say a much younger Russian friend. A Russian friend, yeah. The best part about Russia is that you can purchase friends.

Friends, of course. You have the mail order, too. And he put the money in and let her push the button On the slot machine $100,000 jackpot They agreed to split it She said let me take the ticket up

Took all the money, got security guards And said see you later So jobbed him out of half of his money And the rule is whoever pushes the button Is the rightful owner of the money Silver lining, he became a legend in Dumb People Town. That's right. And then he joined our Facebook page and started interacting with our fans.

You did the best thing for him. Yes, I did. You gave him a whole infrastructure. I can tell you guys, as of this morning when we record this, he was commenting on people's reviews of Dumb People Town. I love it. That mentioned him. I want you to know, if you type in, this is all because of us,

and he should ride this high forever. If you type in Jan space FL, he's a second thing that comes up. Oh my God. You guys are giving him too much power. No. Does she know where we record? We're not giving him enough power.

That's what he looks like. Oh, he is fantastic. He looks like if Vern Lundquist worked at the Guitar Center. God. He looks like if the pallbearer went and he just fucking got a perm. He's great. Somebody left a review on July 28th that said, Jan Flato definitely has an eighth of a cheese wheel in his pocket and brags about it.

Can you smell it? Yesterday at 6.04 p.m., Jan Flato wrote, ellipses, and who wouldn't brag about it? Hell yeah. He's funny. He's funny. He should have a show. By the way, for all the torment that he went through, and I'm assuming in his life, like we said, he probably has two jet skis that don't work in his yard.

For all the things that he's gone through, this gives him happiness, and that makes me happy. He is blind unless he is wearing purple tinted sunglasses. That's right! He's gone through two magic correspondence questions. On July 25th, Nathaniel reviewed us and said, if it's good enough for Jan Flato, it's

good enough for me. And Jan then said... Yesterday at 6.03pm, Flato writes, it's definitely good enough for me. And Jan then said... Yesterday at 6.03 p.m. That's it. Flato writes, it's definitely good enough for me and anyone who enjoys having a good laugh ellipses

at dumb people ellipses all caps like me. LOL. Love this dude. I love him so much he definitely looked

at the eclipse without the proper glasses today. He eats ring pops without sucking on them. He just chews them down to the hip. Chews them down?

And eats like the plastic part. They go like, wait, that's not part of the channel. That's actually the ring. Don't eatws them down. Chews them down! And eats the plastic part. They go, wait, that's not part of the can. That's actually the ring. Don't eat that, Jan. That's so weird that you said that, because that's the best part of the whole thing. It really is. It kind of is. It kind of is.

All right, so let's get back to boa constrictor, plastic ball. Oh, my God. Jan Filato's got a new profile pic, by the way. I mean, honestly, that is gorgeous. Okay, here we go. Here's the new guy. Ready? Yep.

I believe his name is Kirk Jones. We'll find out for sure in a second. Kirk Jones! Kirk Jones! This is my son. I know it's a snake, but I call him a son. It's Kirk Jones Jr. This is him in one of two scenarios that you're about to see. He's either just finished some sort of daredevil act, or he's leaving the court

after fighting child support allegations. Oh, he's not paying any after fighting child support allegations. Oh, he's not paying any child support. Ready? It all goes in. Oh, my God. He looks like a less healthy Ron Jeremy. Exactly. Yes, he looks like me five years ago.

He looks like you five years from now. You can't be a daredevil and have more than one chin. I can't do it. That's not a daredevil. You're just not dying. That's just every day you're just living your life normally and you're saying, I'm a daredevil. But mostly it's because you didn't drop dead. Every day he dares the Lord to take him.

I dare you, God. Come on. I fucking dare you. People ask Kirk Jones, Kirk Jones, you doing good today? On the right side of the grass, my man. On the right side of the grass. Hell yeah. Living the dream. I'm six feet over.

Not anymore, apparently. No, no. But before that. Those geese came home to roost. I'm going to tell you right now, I looked at that picture of him and I will say that he might not have died at the bottom. He may have died of a heart attack on the way down.

This is the best day of my life! Or tell me what I can and can't do. One of those sentences were his. Gonna tell me. Gonna tell me. She's gonna walk around and, like, that's the beginning of every sentence. She's gonna walk around and then the rest of the whole thing. Well, he's only a daredevil because people dare him to do stuff and then he just does it.

Yeah, his final words might also have been yelling at his snake, which I'm assuming is named Douglas Settle Down. Yeah. Douglas Settle Down.

Settle Down. Quit crawling down my shirt, all right? I'm trying to look elegant. I'm trying to look like I'm brave in the face of danger. He does look elegant, though. Oh, you like it.

You like it. He looks like a walrus. He looks like he likes it. He looks like he likes it. I'm just like sucking on his neck,, just whipping him with his own tail. He does look like a walrus. He does. After Kirk, in the animated Alice in Wonderland Disney, he looks like the walrus from that.

That's exactly what he looks like. The picture that you have, which we will post on our Facebook page, which we highly recommend you joining. It's facebook.com slash dumbpeopletown. Like it. Join it. Favorite it. All that stuff.

Get in the family. Get in the family. He looks like he is saying, the phrase he's saying is, she don't know what she's talking about. She don't know what she's talking about. She don't know. She don't know. She don't know. He's in Niagara Falls. After Kirk Jones' death, New York State Police found a website with a photo of him and the

seven-foot snake named Misty. I was wrong. That is accurate. They always name it after what you would think is a woman who was sexy when she was 20. Or a stripper who once scorned you. Or what was the name of the boat that we traveled to go into Niagara Falls? It's called the Maid of the Mist. So maybe this had something to do with it. Taking her back to her roots it started as dougie the name was dougie

and then he named it misty for the start uh the photo of him and the seven foot snake named misty previewing his plans and selling t-shirts and photos his merch was out in front of his accomplishment look i will say this we have been to ni Niagara Falls. We've been to Buffalo, New York, and we went to Niagara Falls. Like, about 300 yards before the falls, there's like a low fence. You could just easily walk over and go right in. And no one is there being like, you can't do this. No, it's for fat idiots. It's the fat idiots Mount Everest because it was there.

I could do it. Do you know what the fence should have a sign on it saying? Go ahead. Kill yourself. Do it. Go ahead. Go ahead. Do it.

It's here. The website, which has since been taken down, this is what it read. Believe in the impossible, Kirk Jones, plus Misty. Conquer Niagara Falls, New York, 2017. The impossible, Kirk Jones? He was right. He was kind of right. He didn't say possible nothing

is possible jones body is recovered from the water below the falls on june 2nd now yes i said we went a little dark also that guy looked way too funny he took a snake with him and he chose his own death so all of that i was willing i actually think an older version of him with you know having to do medical payments and not having like that's a sadder life that's a darker story he's exactly darker he went out he went out on top well and then straight down he was recovered from the water below the falls on june 2nd investigators believe he died april 19th that's a long time. That's a long time. Was the snake still wrapped around him?

They believe that he died April 18th, the same day tourists spotted an eight-foot plastic ball. So he was inside of it. What? That's awesome. Here's something you want to make sure you do when you're getting ready to get in a ball. Its zippered hatch was clearly open,

spinning in the Niagara River Rapids before it went over the brink. So he didn't close... Hey, come on! Because he didn't expect the speed of the current going down the river, just being like, oh man, all my geometry's off. This is a guy who's...

Close the hatch. Close the hatch. So you think he fell out of the hatch? I think it definitely didn't help him survive. Yeah. Or played a role in him not surviving. I gotta tell you what, fell out of the hatch? I think it definitely didn't help him survive. Yeah. Or played a role in him not surviving. I got to tell you what. What thing, Misty?

I've definitely shanked this lunch. This is the bumpiest lunch. Misty, you're fine. You're fine. Misty, you're fine. You're fine. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Misty.

She don't know. She don't know. She don't know. I'm going to tell me I need to close the hatch. She don't know what she's saying. I'll show her how to close a hatch. She'd do it halfway. You close that hatch.

You had one job. You close that hatch. I hear you. You know you like it. I know you can talk. Come here. The snake, Misty, has not been found. Oh.

Though an empty snake cage was found in Jones' parked van. Exotic pet experts told police it wouldn't have survived the cold water. Wait, so no one noticed a van for a month and a half just sitting in the parking lot at Niagara Falls? Exactly, they're wondering if they can't find a snake in a river. This tells me there isn't a parking lot attendant at Niagara Falls. Like, security low at Niagara Falls. If I saw a van parking lot attendant at Niagara Falls. Like security low at Niagara Falls. If I saw a van for three days at Niagara Falls, I'd be like, there's some bad shit going on.

Someone's trying to take down the falls. Footage from a crashed drone belonging to Jones found by a parks employee April 20th shows only rushing water. So he had a drone set up. He was a full one-man operation. He tried to up the ante with a snake. He was a Willinda brother. But he didn a drone set up. He was a full one-man operation. He tried to up the ante with the snake. He was a Wollenda brother. But he didn't have God on his side. Not so evil Knievel. More like a Swolenda

brother. I think that's funny. It is funny. What if, it sounds like, he showed up with the ball. He got everything going. He had a couple of beers in him. Getting the party on. Whatever his costume on him. He's got the snake ready in the cage. He's about to let it go. Should I zip up the

hatch? Should I do this? You know what would be even more dangerous if I don't. Don't do it. But what if he tripped over something and just cracked his head open and didn't even do the thing? Wasn't even doing what he wanted to do. And didn't even make it into the ball. He just slid into the river.

And him and the ball go down side by side. Misty's running around somewhere. Who knows? Yeah, just Canadians on the other side of the bank just fishing and being like, oh, that'll happen. Oh, yeah. Hey, I got something big on here.

Oh. Police began looking for Jones after the discovery of the ball and drone and after, this is a key element, after a call from Jones' wife telling them she feared her husband had gone over the falls that led to the discovery of the website i love that she's like i think my husband might have gone over the falls they said why she said because he said he

was gonna go over the fall literally they and he made a website and he took misty and i haven't seen him you ready for the name of the website? I'm going over the falls, honey. I'm going over the falls. Honey, if you need me, I'll be going over the falls. Honey, if the police ask, I'm over the falls. I'm at the bottom of theagrafalls.com. Dot com. Dot edu.

Dot edu. Dot org. www.kirkjonesniagrafallsdaredevil.com. That is great. I'm just glad it was available. He laid it out there. He laid it out there. I would have loved it if it had been like

KurtJonesNiagaraFallsDaredevil123.com He's like, I couldn't get it. I had to get those numbers in. I wanted it clean. I couldn't get it. ChirkJonesNiagaraFallsDaredevilSuicide.com Did you know I'm Chirk Jones? Chirk Jones.

Chirk Jones. We're looking for him and a seven-foot boa constrictor. I bet those are lines he always knew would be attached to him someday. Police Detective Sergeant Brian Nisbet said, Police don't know whether Jones fell or climbed out of the ball before reaching the brink. Don't help me! So they're saying, had he stayed in the ball, he might be sick. He could have possibly survived this.

Now, you guys have seen a picture of him. I'm going to ask you, though. How old? Don might be sick. He could have possibly survived this. Now, you guys have seen a picture of him. I'm going to ask you, though. How old? Don't be deceived. A lot of times, pictures can go way too young in Dumbbell Town or look way too old. He is a daredevil. He has lived life to the fullest. He has a wife and a seven-foot snake.

Each year, I don't know what takes more off his life, his relationship with his wife or each dare that he devils. Yeah. Just having to deal with that snake telling him to do crooked shit. Play this into your age factor. He's a planner. He had merch ready to go. He had a website.

He had a good website. Yep. What does he do for a job? Like a normal job? That's a question a lot of people have asked his wife throughout his life. Yes. And she's like, he's independently employed. Oh, I was going to go

just two words. Sell stuff. Sell stuff. I thought you were going to say two words. Self-employed. Middle man. All right.

How old? Now, you are our guest. Henry, if you want to go first or last, we're going to play. Or Tig Notaro, you can go second. We call that the Tig move.

You know what? Yeah, I'll do second. Okay. I'll do second. Okay. Jay, you saw the picture. We'll post it on the tick move. You know what? Yeah, I'll do second. Okay. I'll do second. Okay. Jay, you saw the picture. We'll post it on the Facebook page. He is 47.

Okay. 47 years old. Henry? 29. Oh, come on. I think he's one of those things where he's just been through it. First of all, he definitely looks 47. Let's be honest.

Of course. I think he's 39. 39 years old. 39, 29, 47. Here we think he's 39. 39 years old. 39, 29, 47. Here we go. Kirk Jones is 53 years old. Honestly, he doesn't look bad. He doesn't look bad.

He looks 7 years younger than he is 6 years younger. And the fact that, Henry, you continue to talk about him in the present tense. I just never want him to die. I refuse to believe Henry agrees with me spirit live on

spirit lives on he's out there he's in spirit in the sky and also somewhere that boa constrictor is living like a fern gully slash like

homeward bound like little story number one and number two once he starts to haunt the falls that's when it becomes a story for the last

podcast on the left exactly then I pick it up haunting the falls, that's when it becomes a story for the last podcast on the left. Exactly. Then I pick it up. Haunting the falls. I dare you to jump. Who said that? Who said that? Who said that?

There's no one around here. No one's around here. You ready for a breeze rustles through the tree over his head. Who said that? I'm sorry. Did someone just fart? Did the spirit just fart? Not me.

Who said that? Some people choose the life of being a daredevil. You're going to find out now. Being a daredevil chose Kirk Jones. Kirk Jones, this is also what put it right in the dumb people town for us. It's back in the middle of town. Kirk Jones became the first person known to survive the plunge over Niagara Falls without a safety device in October 2003.

Wow. He climbed over a rail and into the water. First of all, is that a rail? It is a low fence that you see behind you in a Sears-like photo. Okay, shoot. By the way, climbed over a rail, to me, sounds like he had to reach up to climb up and over Climbing over the rail like your son can just put like my eight-year-old son

can put one leg over and he's over the rail. He's already over the rail. It's a pet fence. It's in the danger zone. He survived without a safety device in October 2003 when he climbed over a rail

and into the water in an apparent suicide attempt which means he was going through some dark stuff. You know, guys, problems are temporary. Your life doesn't have to be. He went over.

He got in Niagara Falls, survived somehow. Reborn as a daredevil. He came out and said, I am a goddamn daredevil. I found him. He has like a fish in his mouth. He was like, I got my bear. My body's a safety protection device. Time to go get a snake.

This is a superhero origin story. Yes. That's what it is. I'm starting to think, what if he was still suicidal, though? And technically, he switches to one of the smartest people

we've ever seen and tries to monetize his death, fake it like it is a daredevil stunt so that he gets the insurance money. This is amazing. But why take Misty? Because Misty was a bitch. Yeah.

Misty never supported him. Snake. Misty said a lot of mean things to him in the darkness of the night. Yeah. Misty never supported him. Snake. Misty said a lot of mean things to him in the darkness of the night. Right. And look, if you're going to take shots at him, you're going down with him. That's right. Going down with him. You're going down with him. What I found out is that a boa constrictor is actually, it is impossible to strangle.

Here's the thing about a boa constrictor. Strangle. She starts making these comments and they start to circle around you, and then suddenly you can't breathe. She doesn't believe in me. You can't breathe with all the eyes looking at you and looking down at me. Kurt Gold is always being monitored. The feat brought fleeting fame for the then-unemployed salesman from Canton, Michigan. Sell stuff.

Good call. You were right, Dan. You said it. Hand to God, I did not remember that part of this. Okay, sell stuff good call yeah you were right dan yeah you said it and i swear hand to god i remember that part of this okay and also because of uh surviving the niger falls he had a brief stint in the circus believe it or not by looking at that guy but he had been out of the public eye in recent years how many people in the circus who were legitimate acrobats or like Russian people. We got a new mustache lady. No. She just came in.

Nope. He's a daredevil. Oh. Sorry. Sorry, sir. Yeah, no, sorry. Yeah, my body though. Yeah.

I can see if you shave me, I do look like an elderly woman. Yes. Police. You ready for it? Police listed his most recent address as Spring Hill, Florida. Oh. Yeah. So Hill, Florida. Oh.

He got Florida-ized. Although stunts are illegal, several daredevils have survived trips over Niagara Falls in various contraptions, beginning with Annie Edison Taylor, who rode over in an oak barrel in 1901. That's what I said.

Got over a barrel. Okay. We're going to get out on this. A little trivia for you guys. Let's hear it. I love it. How many people have survived an unprotected plunge over the Niagara Falls since 2003? Can I ask you?

Is a barrel a protection? Yes. A barrel is protection. It's a bad protection, but it is one. Unprotected is just going straight over. Just jumping. Yes. This barrel is protection. It's a bad protection, but it is one. Unprotected is just going straight over. Just jumping. This is so exciting. Well, if you've had like 10 beers, because of the thing that's going to give drunk drivers,

the guys that get in the accident, they go with it because you're flowing. You're in a drunk barrel. You're in a barrel of drunkenness. Do you want to go first, second, or third on this one? I'll do first. How many people have survived unprotected plungers? Since 2003? 14 years.

I'd say average of. Not average of. I would say, yeah, total, I'd say 10. 10 people. Wow. That is confident. Way less. I'm going to say four.

Four. Yes. I'm going to go in the middle and say seven. Seven. Randy says seven. All right. Since Jones's unprotected plunge, and guys always wear a condom. Number one.

Since his unprotected plunge. Keep the pet population down. Two other men have survived. Wow. I told you four. I told you four. It could have been more. Now look, I'm not saying other people haven't tried.

I'm saying there's probably maybe 10 people who've tried. Yeah. Two made it. Way more than 10 made it. Do those people get together every Sunday at the anchor bar in Buffalo and just have wings, just be like, we did it. We did it. We did it.

No one understands what we did except for us. My wife doesn't even, she don't even understand me. She don't know. She don't. She don't know. Give me more of those wings. I'm glad. Color of the foam.

I'm glad people, you know, you hear about this off like the Golden Gate Bridge. When people make the sad decision to take their life and then they survive, like I'm glad people you know you hear about this off like the Golden Gate Bridge when people make the sad decision to take their life and then they survive like I'm glad when they survive but I also imagine

that they are insufferable that is the saddest thing in the world if you can't even commit suicide right I mean honestly that is the saddest of all cause you've made

that commitment but them walking around being like tell you I'm not supposed to die I'm invincible tell you I'm not supposed to die. Teflon. I'm invincible. Tell you I went over the falls.

I made it. Yeah. You know that time. It says so on your shirt, man. Do you want cream with that? Yeah, exactly. All right. First story.

How many baristas have survived suicide attempts? I tell you, a lot. And then when you get your coffee, uh, survivor? That was me. I went over the falls. It goes for myself. I did it myself. I'm protected. Even though I'm calling it out, I made it for me. I just wanted you all to hear that I am a survivor. I had olive oil in my hands when I was pressing the gun

against the temple of my hands. It just slid right off. It just cut a bunch of my hair. Here I am. Yeah, I'll take that. Still alive. Invincible. Alright, I'll take that. Still alive. Still alive. Invincible. All right, let's do it. First story down in the books.

Yes. This is the last Dumb People on the Left podcast. As we hear, Henry Zebrowski's with us. Damian Kirk's with us. Stay with us, because we've got more Dumb People time right after this. Check it out. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town.

Hey, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. As we mentioned, subscribe to the show. Rate it. Review it. All those things help us. Check out the last podcast on the left, which which is awesome we've been deep diving into it really funny stuff about crazy dark stories and you know it's like twilight zone shit or stuff that you know about that you will come away with more knowledge and just the

way you guys attack it just so funny it's information that makes you a more difficult person to love yes oh that's a great way to say it. You said it. And you guys do it live. Any live dates coming up? Yeah, we're doing Vancouver and Calgary the 24th and 25th of August. Nice. And then we're doing, we have a big Halloween show in Los Angeles. Oh, yeah.

October 8th. Hit that. The tickets are going fast for that. October 8th. So we get all of our stuff sent in. How do you guys choose your stories? And if it's a big one, do you guys talk about, hey, do you want to dig into this for like, it's probably going to be like a three or four parter?

Or how do you go about it? We have like an ongoing conversation. Like Marcus and I will sit and kind of talk about what topics that we're into. Either something will pop up. Because you've dug into some long, like series. I love when you guys do multiple part episodes. You just get lost in it. And it's kind of fun for a period of time where you become like an expert in it.

Especially when we were doing Scientology, we were doing L. Ron Hubbard. I can think like him now because of the times I've spent having to read Dianetics, having to read all that kind of shit and decipher it. And realize that in order for you to be so deluded that you think that this makes sense, you have already spent $100,000. You have already spent so much money the fact that you're insane that he openly said you said not once not twice but like four or five times the way you make money you start oh it's right on the table it's right on the table and everybody just kind of walks into it but we're all very like but that's it's whatever like comes up so like right now i'm trying to find a new alien episode nice um which i'm now going through i have all of these books that people send me books and i fucking love it but but it's just all lots. It's very esoteric and weird.

Like I'm doing Lemuria, like the idea of like the Atlantean, like what the Atlanteans really were like back in the day before Atlantis disappeared. And they were also like, because it was Atlanteans. And then Lemurians are like the pure blood, like,

like super human, super tall people that like help make us with the reptilians that were also there. And then also space Jews from like space Jews. Yes. It is a thing where the rabbis have traveled through gigantic stone tetrahedrons. I love it. Where they,

they're it's, it's fun. Space Jews. Yeah. What if like, what if the, you know, like both oceans,

global warming continues in both oceans and, and the city of Atlanta goes underwater and becomes becomes Atlantis. It becomes Atlantis. I just feel like there would be a lot of BBQ down there. There'd be a lot of pork just on tritons. Underwater freak, Nick. I'm in. I wanted to ask you guys before we get into the story. Did any of you watch the eclipse?

We did. This is going to come out way after. Yeah, we watched it. Today's the day it happened. I did watch the eclipse. Unbelievable. I can't believe the entire thing

was sponsored by Black Lives Matter good you're actually very brave of them well you said you were watching on CNN

and you tweeted out that Volvo was sponsored that I was surprised Mitsubishi missed opportunity guys missed opportunity did you watch it? yeah I drove to

Franklin Canyon Park that like hidden park above Beverly Hills that nobody ever goes to. And I stood there. I'm just in the open parking lot. The sun's right there. Did you have the glasses?

Yeah. I had three pairs. And I was like, oh, somebody will want these. In case someone shoots two of them off you. I took them with me. You know me. Because you're a wind and insane wind. Get ready to hear why that was a great idea.

So I'm putting one on. I'm standing in the parking lot. And I just start hearing, hello? Hello? What is happening? Yes. And I'm like, what is happening? And I kind of look around.

I'm like, what is going on? There's like two ladies down at the other end of the parking lot. Who are clearly about to be blind. They're doing their own thing. Yeah. They really are. They're about to blind themselves. And I'm standing there

and I put them back on and then I hear, hello. So then I hear, mister, stop. Stop. Stop, mister. And I take my glasses down

like Tom Cruise style. Yeah, normally. This lady's waving at me and she's like, you're going blind. You're going blind. And so then I go, I tell her,

I go, what? Are you going blind? No, they go I tell you what are you going well they're made for this do not look so I go no I'm fine so I walk over Beverly Hills are many Egyptian I walk over and there's this Korean gorgeous little woman in her like like maybe 50s 60s her name is lorenza and lorenza i was like put these on and she puts them on she's like oh i can see i was like yeah they're made to like look at it did you have sex with this woman in the park no it's like it's like all those videos i love those when people can hear for the first time yeah for the first time this song sucks i literally start crying at every single one

of those but like you're handing her this thing and for the first time did This song sucks. I literally start crying at every single one of those, but you're handing her this thing and for the first time, did you get video of her? So then, she's with a woman that I thought they were together. Not together. This other woman,

her name is Carrie. She's a younger woman. She's standing next to her Mercedes. Dan walks into every situation. They don't know each other either. They had the shittiest pinhole ways to look at it, so I give them each glasses. We stand there, they had like the shittiest like pinhole ways to like look at it. So I give them each glasses.

We stand there, take the whole thing in. Lorenza starts showing us the paintings that she's made. And then we fuck. I start talking to Carrie about how she went to SMU and she hadn't seen

the 30 for 30. Wow. We got into it. This is me and my brand new friends this morning. See, look at Lorenza. Post this up on the old

Facebook page. You are making so many friends. You just make friends. See, look at the lens up. Post this up on the old Facebook page. You're making so many friends. You just make friends. Dan walks around and the world is his bar. He's the bouncer at the bar that has the world. And he walks around

and interacts with people. Did you see Trump look directly at it? Yes. Because you know people lectured him all morning about how you're not supposed to do that

and he'd be like, I know what's right. If he can't even watch and he couldn't stop he'd watch it with a pen. You can tell me what I can't do. Okay? You can tell me what watch any clips how can he watch you can tell me when I can too okay you can tell me

when I can too you know who can tell me when I can too nobody my eyes they're tremendous they're happily incredible

that is just my reptilian eyes can look at it all day so yeah I now have Lorenza like texted me

they want to come to a show if we do a live dumb people talk we are going to do a live dumb people talk it was weird that right after this clip, she texted you,

you up. Because I thought she thought it was late. I am up. She thought it was very dark. She's blind. She can't say anything anymore because she had looked directly. Quick side note,

all of a sudden I hear a whole bunch of commotion. There is a group of like seven or eight young kids. I'd say like 17 to 20 maybe. They have nothing. Ruffians. They're trying to like quick look and look away with their hands. What? And then a woman shows up with another guy in a old like 1996 ford explorer she gets out she's like

don't worry guys i got it they don't know each other either and she has x-rays and she's like we just look at the sun through the x-rays what are you talking about x-rays are of like some like a like somebody's broken like collarbone or something there was all sorts of weird x-rays are of somebody's broken collarbone or something. There was all sorts of weird X-rays. These are cock tumors. She starts passing them around. Then all these people are standing there looking through X-rays, trying to look up at the sun. I let them use some of my glasses. I will say this.

We're unable to see the eclipse, but somebody in the group properly diagnosed mesothelioma. So it was a great eclipse morning i had a lot of fun it's pretty cool lorenzo and carrie it was a great it was a great moment i have to say it was really cool and and watching our mom was with us and we felt like hands across america in some way the one thing that was kind of chilling to me was when they show the the live stream of like the full the totality yeah it looked amazing but it went out and it's like and you just heard people in the background going and i imagine for a second what it felt like to be ancient man to like see the dragon being like consuming the sun and be like no no no no we have to kill the girls why sacrifice yeah because you're right like a

thousand years ago they would have been their minds are being blocked. The beginning of the end. I gotta say, as Jews, the term path of totality does not sit well with me. No, no, no. It does feel like a final solution. Yeah, exactly. The Little League World Series,

they had to postpone the game. They had to hold for 15 minutes during totality. And you know what? This is the best part of the Little League World Series. Throughout the entire eclipse, everybody on every team cried.

It's my favorite part of the Little League World Series. My favorite part is when the kids tell you what they like at the beginning of the game. My name's Ryan and I'm into dinosaurs. Like they all have like a favorite thing. My favorite thing is fat kid pitching. Fat kid pitching is the greatest thing all day long. They're Randy Johnson's.

No, you don't see a fat adult. You don't see fat adults pitching since Rick Russell. And when you see a fat kid pitching is like smile on his face. You know he's going to gun it. He's got a lot of power. I was watching Japan and North Korea.

Was it North Korea or South Korea? Japan and South Korea. South Korea. Japan and South Korea playing. There was a kid on South Korea who was throwing 77 miles an hour

which they said because the distance to the plate is like 97 miles per hour. And had a wicked curveball. I'm like, no one's going to hit this kid. Yeah, I love it.

My dad used to tell me, he's just like, you're lucky you're fed, Henry Thomas, because the best about being fed is that you're naturally strong. And I was like, I don't think that's true

because people, I was still a constant victim. Yeah, oh yeah. No, you're going to be a victim for a whole lot. The best part about being fed, Henry Thomas, is you can take a you're going to be a victim for a whole lot. The best part about being fat, Henry Thomas, is you can take a punch.

You can take a punch. Here, let me show you. No, Dad. No, wait. It's just got to look for your penis. It's really got to look for it. Thanks, Dad. It's going to teach you how to look for things. A lot of trust. You just trust it's there. Alright, speaking of. Here we go, ready? I trust you, Dan, to gather these stories together. This one was sent in by Brian Skinner

at B-B-E-E Skinner. S-K-I-N-N-E-R. Hialeah, I think is how you pronounce it. Florida. Hialeah. Hialeah. No, it's Hialeah. Hialeah.

Hialeah. Hialeah. Hialeah. It's a sport that originally... I thought one thing when I saw this story, when Brian sent it in. This is Florida as shit. Hi-la. Good.

Hi-la. Hi-la. A Florida man took extreme measures to get AT&T workers to remove their trucks from his property Wednesday morning. Hi-la. According to Hi-la-la-la. Here come the bottles of urine. Yep.

Step it up. According to the police officers, AT&T utility employee Derek Taylor and Gilbert Ramos were working on lines near a home located near the corner of Southeast 5th Place and 6th Avenue. Head over there, DPT walking tour members. Put that on the map. Jorge Hov

came outside and approached them at 11 a.m. If you're any sort of construction or working on a a pond and somebody walks out of their house and towards you, you know it's not going to be good. Obviously, there's a competition. There's some competition going to happen and it's going to be one-sided because you have the tools.

At worst, they're going to ask you to do something in their house. 11 a.m. means this has been brewing since 9.30. Right. And if they're walking towards you, they're skipping the part where just from their front door they're like, hey man, what's going on? Or whatever.

Let's go on over there. Also, like I say, in English, his name is George Jov. What do you think of that? Yeah. Jorge Jov.

The owner of the, this is from the police sergeant. Like there are no hard consonants there. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov.

Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov.

Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Jorge Jov. Police sergeant Carl Zogby said, quote, the owner of the house came out. He was upset that the trucks were parked in front of his house and asked them to move.

Oh, yeah. Makes him seem like he's going to be a sensible guy. Hold on. Police said Ramos and Tyler told Hove they would remove the vehicle as soon as they were finished with repairs. But that did not appear to satisfy him. They said, we'll move in a few minutes. We're just working on the poles. A lot of people have done people down. Is that what they said? We'll move in a few minutes. We're just working on the poles.

A lot of people have done people now. Is that what they said? Is that what they said? We'll move in a minute, asshole. We're just working on these poles. Yeah, you're probably right. He's like,

you know who I am? I'm Jorge Hove. H to the Izzo, V to the Izzo. We're supposed to be here, they told him. He then went back into his house

and came out a few moments later with a gun. A gun. There we go. And started firing at both AT&T trucks that were on the scene. I think I've seen

footage of this. You probably have. This went big time. Yeah, because he like shot up the truck. I'm going to show you guys the video when we're in the break. It is... And we'll post it on the Facebook page. Oh, of course we will. He's like Bugsy Malone if he was fat. Cell phone video captures the gun. Go ahead.

You know what movie I saw two nights ago that I just couldn't stop watching and I just couldn't believe it got made? Beverly Hills Cop 3. Oh, yeah. By the way, there are no, speaking of just shooting a bunch of things up, there are no geographical shots. It's as if whoever directed that movie was like,

start on a close- up of someone's face. We'll get the rest of the scene later. Everything is like. No master shot. No master shot whatsoever. Everything's a tight shot on someone's face. I'm like, where are we? What are we in somewhere?

Like, they know that we're in Beverly Hills. Brigitte Nielsen? No, she was in two. This is like, it is. It's literally the worst thing I've ever seen in my entire life. And I could not stop watching. But they like shot up everything. Like it was

Yes. Bronson Pinchot is essentially playing the exact same character from Perfect Strangers. Not from True Romance. Not from Perfect Strangers. I will not get the fuck out of here.

He's doing Belky. Yes. You know it. Yes. Of course I do. He goes get the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out of here. It's so

It's unbelievable. No comedy. This video captures a gun-turning homeowner as he circled the trucks and opened fire. Quote, there's a guy... This is in the video that you guys are going to see. This is the 911 call. There's a guy shooting out my tires.

There's a guy shooting out my tires. Taylor is heard telling police in a cell phone video of the incident, followed by audio of air hissing out of every tire as he shoots. Which, you know, gratified him so much. If you want the trucks to leave, that's the worst thing you can do. Now they're permanently there. Now they're there forever.

That, to me, is the dumbest aspect of this story. Show me how dumb you are. You are a moron. Shoot the gun in the air and tell them the next one's going into them if they don't get in the car. I'm going to shoot these trucks on the one way they have to leave and see them get out of here. You shoot the poles. Right. The poles are the problem.

Right. You've got to get rid of the issues. He hates these poles. I agree. They see him out. The air is hissing out of the tire. Taylor called 911 asking for help as Hove continued to reload a second and third time. Part of me also, I'm going to, a little bit of dumb

here, is on Taylor. Because if a guy walks out of his house towards the gun, you guys know I'll lean in on a lot of things. Sure, you can start running. We are leaving. We're gone. The video is someone standing close enough to, like, you have such confidence that he's really just going to take

this out on the trucks. I don't even want to bounce back. No, if he's that rage where he's going to start shooting your truck, he's definitely going to murder you. It's crossed his mind. It's a job, right? I worked at, when I used to work at Borders Books, we used to have a hardcore manager who used to do this shit. R.I.P.

But I used to go, I had a hardcore manager who used to wear nothing but pewter rings and he was a swinger. He was like a weird older dude in Florida. And so what he would say shit like- Pewter rings, manager at Border Books, swinger in Florida. What was his name? Oh, fuck.

What was his name? It's got to be like, it was like Brian. He had like a normal ass name. Bryce? Could you say Bryce? And then he went and, but he would say shit like,

you know, if you got somebody, somebody's running out of here with some books. He's like, I expect you to go out there and stop them. So it's like, he wanted, so it's like, no. We work at a bookstore. I'm not going to be chasing a dude out onto the street. I'm not going to be collateral damage. I might try and upsell him on the way out the door.

Sure. Absolutely. I walked out of here with a fistful of Beverly Clearies. Yeah. Wait, wait. You're from Florida? I'm from Queens, but I went to Florida State University. And so I spent a lot of my formative years there in Tallahassee working at that Borders. And it's just very, for the idea that anybody-

I'm surprised there is a bookstore in Tallahassee. I don't know if I would stop a person in Florida from doing anything. Well, yeah, because- Unless I had to. Florida, they have weapons, but a lot of times they do use animals as weapons. Right. Here's my gator. Get ready.

I have a gator on a leash. Even if it's several wild birds. This marks the third person we've had on a podcast before we went to Florida State University. Yeah, you're right. Tony Hale. Dan Bacadal. Yeah, and you. And you, sir.

Wow. Alumni. Look at that. Yeah, and you, sir. Wow. Alumni. Look at that. Put them in the alumni newsletter. When he runs out of ammunition on the first clip, if I'm working there, I would have been like, all right, man, we got you. Yep.

And then on the second one. We're leaving. Message heard loud and clear. And the third. Meanwhile, the entire time, Mr. Ramos, the other guy working, he's up working on one of the polls. Trying to finish his job. Yes. He just works too hard. That's a commitment to the work. In this video he should be allowed to retire the next day. You should get like a medal from AT&T.

Like an AT&T Purple Heart. Yeah. The footage also shows Hov taking aim at one of the truck's engines. Quote, he flattened their tires then he shot into the bodies of the trucks. He shot at one of the radiators of the trucks's engines. Quote, he flattened their tires, then he shot into the bodies of the trucks. He shot at one of the radiators of the trucks. They're trying to blow it up. This dude is a moron. The truck killed my brother. Police said the responding sergeant saw Hove fire and miss Ramos, who was still there. So he did start shooting up at the poles.

Jesus. Taylor said Hove pointed his gun in his direction before firing at the truck. Why are you still there? get out I have a very specific job I have to do today I must get it done get him out in all police said Hove unloaded

at least 18 shots he seemed to be a quiet man and something made him snap by the way that's not that's not the second time that marks the way, that's... So that can't be clips. It's got to be a revolver. That's not the second time. That marks the second time that day where he took 18 shots. Yeah, you're probably right.

He's got to get some serious drinking before he walked out that door. That's right. Prepped for battle. As it were. He's building your confidence. Yeah. A couple gold sliders. No injuries were reported.

A little liquid confidence. Speaking to 7 News in Spanish, Hov's neighbor said she was stunned after seeing the show, seeing a video of Hov, whom she knows well. Never, never. This man is impeccable, she said. He's an impeccable man. Morales said it's not the first time Hov has confronted AT&T employees outside his property.

I love that she's not even willing to entertain the fact that she doesn't know him that well. No, no, no. It's like, no, this is wrong. Well, he just unloaded three notes. You do not know your neighbors. He does not do that.

Let me repeat. He does not do that. He never does that. He never will do that. No, well, he did do it, ma'am. Yeah. He does not do that. No, you don't understand.

It happened already. I know people. No. Apparently you don't, ma'am. You don't. You clearly don't know people. How much time have you spent with him, ma'am?

I have met three people. Okay. They never do this. I'm going to tell you right now. That's not a big enough sample. Strike one. You're maybe two for three. Maybe those three people don't do it, but... Never do this.

Never commit atrocity. I think you're trying to say neighbor do it. Neighbor. Neighbor. No, neighbor. Your neighbor did do it. No, neighbor. Yeah, I know.

I'm saying your neighbor did do it. Yes, your neighbor did it. Never do it. No, your neighbor did it. Neighbor did do it. Neighbor did do it. No, he did. That's Never did do it. No, your neighbor did it. Your neighbor did do it. Neighbor did do it. No, he did. That's what we're saying.

That's what we're saying. I think we got our statement. She's agreeing with us. I'm going to ask you guys, Hov was arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. How old? How old? How old is Jorge Hov?

Jorge Hov. How old? When do you want to go? First or last? I'll do first. I think we're looking at a 60. I think we're looking at a 60- think we're looking at a 60 year old man okay

60 years old I'm going to say 51 51 Randy you're going to say 42 42 Khorhai Hov impeccable man impeccable

never to do it weird description of anyone you can dress impeccably sure impeccable man was he in tails I've never heard a man called impeccable

impeccable he's got impeccable taste yes he called impeccable he's got impeccable taste he dresses impeccably he's got impeccable impeccable man he is impeccable good looks

64 years oh look at that look at you sir also retired fireman come on dude come on

the fight is over man this is some other argument that bled up into this thing he had a run an AT&T guy fucked his wife he did something Dude, come on. The fight is over, man. This is some other argument that bled up into this thing. Yeah. He had to run. An AT&T guy fucked his wife. He did something.

He messed with his pool. If that would have been a Verizon guy or something else, no problem whatsoever. Sprint. Sprint working on the poles. Fine. He had the pH level in his, I'm going to probably say above ground pool. Yeah. Perfectly done. Yeah.

And some AT&T guy knocked him. Some would say impeccably done. Impeccably done. Impeccably done. Impeccable pull. You never see impeccable with these pulls. The pH. But neighbor,

never be off. His neighbor did it. No, he did do it. He did do it. Neighbor did it. I know, your neighbor did it. We know your neighbor did it. We know your neighbor did it.

Neighbor did it. Yes, he did. We know, your neighbor did it. Randy hit the nail on the head though, this one. The idea that this guy wanted these trucks to move, so he shot their tires out. So that they couldn't move.

It tells you exactly what we're dealing with. H to the Izzo, V to the Izzay. That is two segments down in the books. When we come back. Henry Zebrowski. We got one more segment, and then a voicemail from Nicolas Cage. We'll find out how he enjoyed the eclipse.

I'm dying to know what he looked through to do that. Right after this on Dumb People Talk. and then a voicemail from Nicolas Cage. We'll find out how he enjoyed the eclipse. I'm dying to know what he looked through to do that. Right after this on Dumb People Town. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town Last story, Dan Take us home, brother I will, but first I want to remind people Keep an eye out for the Bell House shows

Yeah, Bell House shows We're saying shows because we know we're going to sell out We're being very presumptuous But we do have one show on February 25th With the girls from Guys We Fucked I love those guys And it'll be a really cool merging together of, you know those gals, do you know?

Yeah, they're great. So good. And we did their podcast, so I'm so happy to have them back on ours. So that'll be on the 25th. That's the first show. I'm saying that's the first show because we're going to sell that out.

Then we'll do a second show. We'll see how we do with that live. Always love to do that. Bell House, February 25th. You can probably get your tickets online through the Bell House there. We'll put them up on our website. The sooner we sell it out, the quicker we get a chance to book someone else and do a late show.

I just started following you and your podcast on the old Twitters. Yes. So people can just follow them, tell them how they can do that. Sure. Follow me at Henry Loves You. That's me. And follow my podcast on the left and LP on the left. Beautiful.

Beautiful stuff. Here we go. Ready? Let's do it. Last story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sent in by Greg Hahn at GH underscore

Speedy G S-P-E-E-E D-Y-G Oh, cool. Speedy G. Speedy G at GH underscore Speedy G.

I wonder if he's a runner? Maybe a racer? He was just feeling fun. He was feeling fun and flirty when he made it. The morning after Sunday's Maybe he's the fastest to become a G.

Like an OG original gangster ever I was the first one I was 7 when I was original speedy G the morning after Sunday's Metallica concert I mean

anything's possible right now right morning after I just saw them in uh at the what's it the

oddball festival where the hell were we in San Francisco outside lands outside lands that's what it is and they were

tired why really James Hetfield just looking tired James Hetfield's voice was a little off Kirk was a little off

Lars was a little off how great come on no song everybody wants to hear no memory remains yeah memory remains la la la la la la Come on, the song everybody wants to hear. Enter Sandman. No, Memory Remains. And the memory remains.

La, la, la, la. La, la, la, la. That was a bad time period for them. I have a tweet I have not sent out yet. The memory sadly remains. I'm glad the old lady from the Memory Remains isn't around to see all this shit. Yes. Well stated.

Well put. I'll tweet that today. I'm glad her memory does not remain. Alright, here we go. The morning after Sunday's Metallica concert. I mean, how many

life-changing events have started out with that sentence? Gavin Strickland called his parents... By the way, Gavin Strickland's a great name.

When Jay and I were growing up, we had a friend who lives in Indianapolis now, has the best name ever, Fenton Strickland. Really? Was he Fenton?

Did he have an ascot made out of flesh? No. He was Fenton Strickland. He was a great guy, played on a baseball team. And we nicknamed him Fern. Fern. What's up, Fern? What's up, Fern?

Fenton Strickland. What's up, Fern? What's up, Fern? How you been? How you been, Fern? Well, Gavin Strickland called his parents with a horrible confession the morning after. I screwed James, I feel that. Strickland called his parents with a horrible confession the morning after. I... Mom, I gotta say, listen,

I love the load, and I just gotta say it to somebody. Mom. Mom? I thought I could be a one-hand person the rest of my life. I really like Game of Thrones. After driving a... Okay, here we go. He called his parents with a horrible confession after driving

across the Canadian border from Syracuse in the name of heavy metal, he lost the car. Oh, fuck me. After her. I know it fucking got here somehow, dude. But this shit is just like, did I take a bird? What did I take across the border? But this shit is just like, did I take a bird? What did I take across the border?

When we went down to Mardi Gras, I will say this. Randy and I, when we were 20. We took our dad's Oldsmobile 88. 98. And it was 1988. So I have to remember. It was like 92. We had an 88 in 98.

I'm not joking. Close. So it was 92. And we went down to Mardi Gras. We partied at Mardi Gras. We woke up the next morning and our car was gone. We thought. Stolen.

Definitely stolen. So, but I don't know how we thought to start calling all of the... Impounds. Impounds where the cars are towed. So the impound right by the Superdome. Superdome. Silverdome. Whatever. I don't know. It's. The impound right by the Superdome. Superdome. Silverdome. Whatever.

I don't know. It's down there. Superdome. Superdome. It had the car. No. We said, do you have our car? Here's what it is.

Here's the license plate number. Here's what it is. They said no. Maybe we do. Maybe we don't. They said no. We don't. And we were like, do you have our car? Just please look.

We didn't change the way we said it. We just asked again after they said no. And they're like, we got it. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah whoa yeah i'm all sorry we got your car now man uh so we went so we went down and we got it and we paid 300 bucks or whatever it was we were parked the rear of our car was parked in the red zone i'm like really on mardi gras where people are taking their clothes off and drinking in the streets a lot of other things you're gonna nail us on like the bumper technicality i think they do that because it is a small crime. This is easy to do right after we got.

Yeah, because normally it's a swirling, nude, 275-pound man. We can't handle all the murders that go on down here, but we can take the cars in there. So I can relate to this dude, Gavin Strickland. Well, this weekend, after a day spent in Oshawa, Gavin parked his blue-green Nissan Versa sedan somewhere on the first floor of an indoor parking garage. The garage was within an $8 cab ride of the Rogers Center. So this is in Toronto. Toronto. He just doesn't know where.

He doesn't know which parking. Yes. Now, three days later, his parents have enlisted the Amateur Scavenger Hunters of Toronto to help remedy the directional snafu of their, quote, doofy son. Who are the Amateur Scavenger Hunters of Toronto? I don't know, but if they have not found this car yet, I know it was a while ago, but dumb people town can still go out there and start looking. Is this the new kids in the hall? Amateur Scavenger Hunters of Toronto.

That is not a job. Just go to every single parking garage, start in a two-mile radius, go to every single one and check it. I hope it hasn't been found. Either way, this story is hilarious. Quote, how many times do we get cops saying this? This is like the number one cop sentence

in all of Dub People Down. Can't make this up. Can't make this up. A Tuesday evening Craigslist posting by Eric and Michelle Strickland, who reside in the U.S., reads, A $100 reward has been offered for anyone who will scour Toronto's parking garages for the wayward vehicle. Hey, is that Canadian or 100 American? 100 American? All right.

That's $102 Canadian. I'll take it. Two Mounties and I are getting on our horses and driving around up there. I'm going to get on a moose. We're going to check out every single one of the parking garages. Well, just go ahead and toss in four or five quarts of Pennzoil on there. You got yourself a deal. All right. We'll throw in the Pennzoil.

More oil. $100. All there. And a weekend up at the cottage. That's all I'm looking for, really, in the end, is a weekend up at the cottage. A weekend up at the cottage. And an Elks license. Elks hunting license. And a free autographed picture

of Don Cherry. Ambiguous landmarks, or in this case clues, Gavin's remembers nearby include a Starbucks, some construction, a strange spiral outdoor sculpture. That is all of Toronto. That is all of Toronto. You just described every part.

And possibly a bank, which may or may not be RBC. You took them to any city. And may or may not have been in Toronto. It could have been in RBC. Either way, I had a roast beef sandwich inside of that establishment. RBC. RBC. Royal Bank of Canada.

But they do serve a good roast beef there. They do. If you get in there, you get an enrollment. You got to ask. You got to open an account, and they'll give you out some of Canada. But they do serve a good roast beef there. They do. If you get in there, you get an enrollment. You got to ask. You got to open an account, and they'll give you out some of that Canadian roast beef. Canadian Arby's. Which is like Canadian bacon. Proving you can't get too far from this goddamn state in any dumb people telling story.

The car itself has Florida license plates. Of course. Wow. How did he get it from Syracuse? I don't. He must have been going to school. Maybe probably went to full sale. A small Canadian. It's a dumb car. He must have been going to school. Maybe he probably went to Full Sail. A small Canadian...

That's a dumb car. Henry, you got me on that. A small Canadian flag attached to the door frame and a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker. Wow. More clues about the car than there is where it could be. I can find this. Gavin's father, Eric, says he bought the car for his son last year to get to work in community college in the fall. Not to be dicking around in Syracuse.

That's for certain. He works at Lowe's here locally, and he's biking to work until he gets the goddamn car back. Guess what part I added. I think he hit the Lowe's point of his life. Hey-oh! At Sklar Brothers. Eric told the star. Eric told the star. Eric told the star.

He's done an awful lot of looking over two days. He's pretty sore. He's pretty tired. Sore. I'm sore. Who are you sore at? Yourself? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. You're jumping the fact where I said two days. When Gavin first left the concert, he realized he hadn't a clue where the car was parked. He tried to deal with the problem without alerting his parents. From dusk till dawn, Sunday to Monday, he wandered through parking garages. Eventually defeated, he called home and admitted

the whole mess. Listen, it's just like, you don't understand how I've tricked. How I've moved. Okay, here, talk to your mother. Talk to your mother. Dad, you sound mad. This is once in a lifetime. I had to see Master Puppets in person. Honey, here, talk to your mother. Talk to your mother. Dad, you sound mad. This is once in a lifetime. I had to see Master Puppets in person.

Honey, pick up. Oh, I'm on already. Oh. Oh, you picked up the other line, Mom? I did. I did. Honey,

a lot of disappointment. I gotta go. I gotta go. I hate it when you're disappointed more than... I'd rather you be mad. Eric, this kid's dad,

said, quote, I told him, don't come back to the U.S. without that car. Wow. I like how he's saying all this to the newspaper. Don't you come back in this country without that car. That's what I told him. Without that car. In my mind.

I got a Canadian accent and I live in the United States. Don't you come back without that car. In my mind. You hear me? Don't you come back with all that car. You hear me? In my mind, Eric Strickland, the dad's dad, the kid's dad. Gavin's father. He's just the dad from The Wonder Years.

Gavin went to the police, who Eric says, quote, took him in and gave him something to eat after a night of searching and sleeping on benches. That's the difference between the Canadian police and the United States police. And they gave him soup. When realized, they would have just checked his asshole. Tase him and put him in a cell. Tase him and give him some soup. Also, how afraid is this kid of his parents?

He's got all day Sunday. All Sunday night. Oh, man. Oh, man. The Chrysler's gone, man. It's fucking gone, dude. We are so fucked. It's like, you're only onesler's gone, man. It's fucking gone, dude. We are so fucked. It's like, you're only one person here.

We are screwed. We are the royal. We is fucked. This joke is not going to be as good as I can't remember. What's the name of the best friend in Ferris Bueller? Oh, Cameron. Cameron. He's the opposite of Cameron.

Yeah. He's like, I need this car. Cameron's like, fuck this car. I mean, he's the black dude who was driving with Spicoli, who was worried about, my brother's going to shit. My brother's going to kill us. We'll make up your mind, man. He's going to shit.

He's going to kill us. First he's going to shit. Then he's going to kill us. They drove him around for like three hours looking for the car, cops in Canada. And he couldn't identify it, Eric said. I don't know, man. Toronto Police called Gavin's parents on Tuesday

morning. He's now been looking since Sunday morning, saying there wasn't much more they could do and it wasn't good for Gavin to keep hanging around the city all night. It's gone. It's gone. You lost it. Two days sleeping on benches checking in with the cops every once in a while.

I'm like, kid, you can't. You can't. He just lost your car. I don't know what to tell you. You're gone. He didn't call any impound places? He didn't do any of the actual work? He knows it's in a parking garage somewhere. If it were me, I would say, who owns all the parking garages downtown?

There's got to be like four or five owners of them. Probably. You call them up and you say in one of your, I mean, it's not that hard. It's somewhere. It is somewhere. Listen to this podcast, dummy. Call them up and you say in one of your... I mean, it's not that hard. It is somewhere. Listen to this podcast, dummy. And I want you to listen to me and call who owns the parking lots in downtown Toronto.

It's probably five to seven people. Call them all up. Tell them the plates. Tell them the car. Tell them the color. You'll get your car back. All I've known is that's why I keep my Razor scooter on my shoulder. Smart, dude. Smart, bro.

Or one of our townies is going to win $100 in a weekend at the lodge. Find it in Toronto. If you're a Dumb People Town townie and you live in Toronto, hunt it down and get your... Find this car. It's a green Versa, right? Versa. I think so, yeah. Versa.

What a bad car. Like for $800, you could probably get a new one. It's like a car bomb car. It's like a car you use to strap explosives in. This is July, so I feel like it probably has been found, but I hope one. It's like a car bomb car. It's like a car you use to strap explosives in. This is July, so I feel like it probably has been found, but I hope not. It's fine. After the cops called and said, your son can't keep doing this anymore, we now see a picture. There it is.

That deserves to be lost. That's a Mazda. Oh, all right. It deserves to be lost. After that, Gavin's parents put him on a Greyhound bus back to San Diego. And a Greyhound bus. Yeah. Put him on a Greyhound bus back to safety. And a Greyhound puss. Yeah. Put him on a Greyhound puss and then stuff that in a Greyhound bus.

The puss comes with the bus ticket. This Greyhound is sick. If you've ever been on a Greyhound bus, there's a lot of puss. All right. You can only do so much screaming at him, Eric, the dad said. They're hoping, like last time, the car finds its way back again. Do you know why I said last time? Because he's done it before.

Because last winter, the 19-year-old lost his car at a concert in New York. No! No! They bought him two cars that one was found shortly several blocks away okay supposedly in that case he got out of the car dropped a key and by the car someone found the key drove his car around new york and left it somewhere else without the keys in it so he had an extra key and got his car back but someone still has the key in his car. I know everyone thinks their kids are dumb. This is the dumbest kid.

You got a dumb kid. You got the dumbest kid of all time. He's going to end up a senator. Yeah, oh yeah. Well, we'll wrap it on this.

Currently the Strickland's say seven or eight people in Toronto are scourging through the parking garages in a two mile radius of the Rogers Center. One's been to four garages today.

Another called and said it's the best scavenger hunt ever. I love people in Canada. I love Canada. At least they're having fun. Hey, we'revenger hunt ever. I love people in Canada. I love Canadians. At least they're having fun. Hey, we're having fun with it. We'll update you if we get an answer.

If we find it, we'll have fun with it. For sure. Hey, by the way, we got the voicemail from I Sent It To You. It's in your inbox there. He sent it to me and I sent it to you. So you can just play it right away if you want to go straight through your, wherever you want to go through it. Did you text it or email it? I emailed it to you. you can just play it right away if you want to go straight through your wherever you want to go through it text it or email i emailed it to you look at that nick cage sent me nick cage

sent me you an email what's his email address i can't it's it's gone in 60 seconds.gov and so he sent me the all right let's take a listen we're going to take a listen to this voicemail about how nick cage enjoyed the eclipse. Hey, how's it going? It's me, Nicholas Cage. Now, here's the deal, boys. I'm just kind of getting over. I've been in a state of just epic elation for the past couple days since the eclipse. You know, total lunar solar eclipses are a big deal in the Nick Cage household because I believe that I harness all of my power as a Bangkok Dangerous are because the sun influences my

core of my being. It's almost like I'm solar powered, except I get fucking stronger at night. Yeah, ask anyone in any Romanian bar that I fight people at. But look, so I went outside and I was like, Mr. Cage, someone was shouting at me, Mr. Cage, you need to put on some glasses. And I said, you know what? Glasses, if they're not sunglasses, are for fucking assholes. So I told them, I'm not going to wear one of your glasses. I stared directly into the sun and my eyeballs were like two battery powered, you know, charging stations.

And I just used the seared straight into my retinas the power of the sun, and it just fueled my body, and my soul, and my spirit, and my mind. And I went out, and I shot four movies in the span of two hours, and I shot eight more

over the course of four days. I just turned out 12 movies, all of which will be coming on VOD in the next 10 days. So just letting you know that Nicolas Cage is firing on all cylinders. So if there's any movie you want to see me do, another National Treasure movie, another sequel to The Rock, Leaving Las Vegas Part 2, I could do that. You don't even have to make a movie. I'll just drink myself to death right now because of the power of the sun pulsing through me yeah nick cage

sorry just um toes off for a second i'm back now nick cage yeah bye okay all right so he wow wow wow he this is a guy who clearly didn't listen to anyone and has never listened to anyone. And this is who he is. If you're wearing sunglasses, you're doing better than looking at an eclipse through skull eyes. Through dinosaur skulls.

He's definitely made a mistake, but it's an expensive mistake. And also, who are we to say, when someone owns a dinosaur skull, you use them helpfully. Forget it. I agree with that. He owns the most skulls.

The podcast is last podcast on the left uh listen to it subscribe to it it's amazing if you like this you will love that thanks man you are awesome on this thank you for fucking having me dude henry zebrowski uh thank you daniel van curic get your tickets for the bell house for the live dumb people town we may do another one in la before that we'll figure it out we'll let you know how that goes before that yes be in Houston before that, too. Yes, we will. We'll be in Houston.

Check out our website, superschoolhours.com, and it'll tell you where we're going to be. And we'll see some of you guys maybe in Tulsa. I think this drops around then. Yeah. See you guys in Tulsa as we do the Blue Whale Comedy Festival. Blue Whale Comedy Festival. Dance at the 2A Comedy Festival.

2A Comedy Festival. That same weekend. That's on April 8th and 9th. So, guys, we've we gotta get back to work