Dumb People Town - Ian Karmel - Rug Dog

Episode Date: July 4, 2023

Comedian Ian Karmel (All Fantasy Everything) stops by as Jason warns about a bride that wants a silent wedding, Daniel details a woman that advertises her best friend to farmers for marriage, and Randy attempts to explains how an Aussie family made a rug of their beloved, deceased dog, and so much more!

Dan and Randy J will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan. And don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Carmel. Ian Carmel.

Welcome to the show, buddy. I'm dumb as hell. You are dumb as hell. We all are dumb as hell. Oh, my God. I'm so happy you're here. I'm so happy we get a chance to do this with you. You've been locked in a fantastic writing job for years and years.

I know. We've been trying to do it forever, and it was always like a Tuesday at 11. I'm like, I will be in a writer's room at that time. I'm going to be writing monologue jokes for James Corden. So that is so interesting. And I will say this. You told me you were just starting to post standup clips and yeah, they're so good after eight.

Such a great mislead. Yeah. Just don't. And then the new stuff to the stuff. We talked about the catholic the scientology so good i just thank you very much that's so kind of you i just got back from my honeymoon which i had to push back several months and we went to italy yeah i went to the vatican amazing and i and and jesus came down from from the ceiling i'm like i don't believe

in you he's like doesn't matter it doesn't matter. Here's 10 minutes of mediocre stand up. No, he's just about, he's like, and Jesus said to Ian, will you collab with me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, the great thing is if he comes down and he's like, the fuck is all this? You're like, they did this after you left. He goes, I'm a Jew. I don't need any of this.

Have you done all this? I don't need all of this. This is too much. This is crazy. How do we clean it? How do we keep all this clean? I don't want to tell you guys how to run your business. Have you done an all fantasy everything gods, deities?

That's such a good idea. That has to be. All right, we'll do it. All right, fine. We'll all do it. So we did Little Debbie Snack. We'll talk about his podcast because it's amazing. We've got some stories.

A bit about anti-Sism being the guy in the emergency room with the sprained ankle is also a brilliant thing what's weird is like i posted that and i'm getting people i'm getting other jews mad at me for like minimizing anti-semitism listen to me still hurts you said it still hurts like it still hurts we posted and i'll say this we've talked about this on another podcast that we were on but we posted a clip about uh in portland your city and your favorite city we posted a clip about in from 2012 when occupy the occupy movement was there the tent city our bit was that an occupy occupy this part didn't make it this part of making the into the bit but the occupy movement was a one-night stand that lasted like an extra three years yeah it's like once it should have been one night it would have been

great the concept's amazing i love what we're protesting against this is actually really great but then it went on too long to where they're in these 10 cities and they're become a society and they need so if you want to be an anarchist but then all of a sudden you find yourself because of circumstance in a society they start organizing so like you hear people you walk through this society this is the bit you hear people saying hey we need a group of people to walk around and make sure people aren't doing bad stuff to other people. You mean like cops? No. No.

Nobody said cop. They're like, hey, if Dave's got the herbal tea and Tina's got the organic burritos and they want to trade with each other because that's the way we do it here, what if he doesn't have the tea? He should just write down on a piece of paper what it's worth and then it'll be like money. No! No money.

No money. But we do have to put those slips in a central place where people can put them. You mean like a bank? No! No. Everybody's talking right now. Dave, represent the views of those people over there. You mean like a government? No! Alright, so that's the bit. That's the bit. It's fantastic. It's great. Sort of detailing the

hypocrisy of anarchists in a situation where they... It's when you get it over your skis it has nothing to do with right or left right yeah this bit is taking off on our instagram in a way in right wing circles because they think we are coming down on communists so now it's insane i'm like you guys are going to understand whoever's following us right now and god bless you for following us you're gonna either under we either going to teach you something right or you're going to understand who we are and they're going to unfollow us right away but like you know we posted this thing and it's like 300 000 views insanity you have to just let it see you just let it go you just have to

let it go i don't read the comments on instagram or tiktok you just like put it out there and just let it go god bless whatever you do with it well it's you know there is just like put it out there and it's like, God bless whatever you do with it. Well, it's, you know, there is just, it's, it's funny. And in some ways it's dumb and it brings it right back to where we are right now. It's dumb people town. We have stories and I, you did this show before, but this, the way we do it this way, we started doing it a new way. And I don't know if you guys have done your podcast the same way the whole time, but like we, each of us have a story. So Jay's going to start things off right here. Okay. My story comes to us by way of Liz Haggerty,

at Liz Haggerty. Here is the title. And I don't think this was in the Reddit section of who's the... Emma the Asshole. But I think this kind of plays out like that. Bride wants a, quote, silent wedding. What? Silent wedding wedding i've heard a

silent birth who's it and the bride is the bride tom cruise and ask guests to whisper during reception her fiancee says she's irrational this can't last this relationship you can't even get people to not bring their kids yeah you can't even't. Even if you say, hey, no, we're trying to. You're at least getting three. Yeah. You're going to get three, and they're going to be loud. They're not going to respect the silent wedding. And kids or not kids being there.

Whisper? So our friend Eva is a DJ, and she just DJed a silent disco, which are the great. If you've ever been a part of those. Headphones on. But if you ever roll up to a silent disco and you don't have headphones on it is no it's like those clips where they take the music out of the clip and they do and over it they just put the sound of shuffling feet over mick jagger it's hilarious

but it looks like a mass hysteria if you roll up on it you don't know what is happening right now all right here we go that's what she wants her way to be. And by the way, can I just say this before you even start? Yeah. Like the groom, how much did the groom of this thing, after she announces that this is what it is, went around to everyone and was like, see, see what I have to deal with? As someone who just got married, I know you love your wife. You guys have a wonderful relationship.

Yeah, I would say this guy, you don't have to deal with this. No. You don't? You should get out immediately. This is the indication. Hopefully you guys are peas in the pod. He's mean i mean like he's kind of the asshole in this situation a little bit we don't know wait does it we haven't even got this might just be the attendees who have a problem he did say to somebody in this article that she's being irrational that's

right so like he is speaking out. He is speaking to the press about his wife being irrational. Well, doesn't he know? Future. This doesn't get sprung on you. It's not like they like go out and party and drink and have a great time and are very close to their families. And then all of a sudden out of the blue.

She's like, it's going to be silent. It's going to be a sound of the weather. She's asked for dinners where we don't talk. Yeah. This has to be a problem. We don't have to talk to connect. dinners where we don't talk yeah this has to be a we don't have to talk to connect he's met he's spoken during succession and she gave him a look that was like i'm gonna cut your head yeah well you gotta pick your spot yes you gotta pick your spot you gotta pick your spot uh weddings are

meant to be a joyous and raucous occasion surrounded by your close family and friends as a rule as you begin a new chapter in life however one woman wanted to wanted the complete opposite for her big day according to the washington post's ask amy advice column okay the woman shared that she wanted to implement a rather strange rule for a wedding my fiance my fiance and i are planning our wedding as the bride i'm planning on making certain requests of my guests to make sure that my special day is as perfect as possible. It's chill out. It's not just your special day. Shut the F up. It is a special day for your whole family.

Your entire community. It's the people around you. That's what you learn when you're planning a wedding. It is a little bit about you. A little. You're the reason. You're the reason. But you're not the whole energy. It kind of couldn't be less about you.

Thank you. So many of the wonderful things at a wedding. And I got married just last September. You don't get to experience. Also, you got married a little later in your life. You're not getting married as like a 22-year-old. We should tell people I'm 38 because I think if they're seeing me on camera right now, they're like, who's this young up and coming?

That's right. He's not 25 year old. Why is there a 25 year old? He also had a, you get a mustache for a while and you're clean shaven. You were looking younger and younger by the moment. So yes, you,

you wait a little bit. This is a time, but again, if we have 40, I'm not sorry to cut you off. If we have 45 minutes at the end, I will go over my skincare routine. Oh my God.

Lots of keels. Keels. I've, I've, I've sort of graduated. You graduated from keels, bitch. All right. Lots of keels? Keels? I've sort of graduated. You've graduated from keels. You're done with keels, bitch. Oh, my God.

All right. One of the requests, quote unquote, the bride to me wants her guests to follow is that they will have to wear exclusively yellow at her ceremony. What? This woman is a dictator. She's a cult leader. She gets to determine who has sex with whom. We're good.

This is performance art. She wants art. She wants like, we don't speak. Everybody wears yellow. This is performance art. She wants art. She wants like, we don't speak, everybody wears yellow. Is this the woman from the orgasm cult? Oh, could be.

Maybe. Oh, yes, I think it is. Or she's like female NXIVM cult. Not a lot of people look good in yellow. That's a tough request. Very tough. I saw Steve Harvey

in a yellow suit though and I was like, well, that's Steve Harvey. Look at the example you're giving. I mean, I would like put him on a hand a handless segue now yeah yes period and a yellow suit and i if you and just him walking

around spinning around with dead eyes that's that's that's who's gonna be hosting at midnight steve harvey thank you why yellow i don't know however another request she wants all guests attending whether a wedding to follow is to remain silent during the entire event. Wow. The party, too? Party, too. While the woman's fiance has been supportive of all her other requests, he put his foot

down on having a silent wedding. And by the way, he could have just said her other requests. He said all. All. He could have just said I'm putting my foot down. One and two. He didn't have to cite anything. I've been cooperative with her. All of her

other dumb bullshit. Now, if he just said her other requests, you're like, okay, but all her other requests. That word is a heavy sign. That's a choice. This woman goes in on her fiance to ask Amy, treating her like a therapist. He angrily rejected my

other request that our guests remain silent throughout both the ceremony and reception see that's and reception why do it a silent are you ready here's what she says to ensure that the focus remains on us what you psycho crazy person oh my god to get out crazy fool. This is the moment. Just start an improv group. Yes. Get up from somewhere else. Right. I got a one word suggestion of the words I've given you guys that you're allowed to say to me. Right.

Just use a controlling. You are not allowed. You can say banana. You can say apoplectic. You can say majesty. Isn't this what a head table's for? Just do the big gaudy head table. Yeah.

And have everybody facing you with your back facing say like there are a couple of moments here i want everyone to be quiet but she can have a couple of those moments no no so then she says my fiancee says that this is irrational he does not want to have a silent wedding thinking that she's going to get support from this yeah yeah can you believe this guy saying he doesn't want to have a... I mean, ladies, back me up on this. Right. While the bride to be acknowledged that such a thing is pretty quote unquote uncommon, she pointed out that the silent weddings have happened in her family before.

Why? Because they lack love? People are like upset. She described what goes into the planning and executing a silent wedding, which consists of guests not being permitted to speak and toasts only to be given by mothers of the bride and groom. Instrumental music will be playing silently, she said. This feels religious.

How does instrumental music played silently? That's great. Just the bow hovering over the strings. No, you don't plug into the amp. Wasn't that in a Woody Allen movie? The Woody Allen thing is they're, like, playing in bananas. No, no, it wasn't in Woody Allen's bananas. Oh, was it bananas?

Yeah, it was in bananas. When they go down to the dictator's thing. And they're air-playing. That's what it is. Oh, my God. The bride to be pointed out, as the newly married couple, all the attention will fall on them.

Only, I know it's a lot to ask, or at least she acknowledged that, but I feel like I should have the wedding I want. Why? The wedding you want? Well, yeah, or don't have a wedding. It's very selfish. So get married to yourself.

Have a celebration for yourself that's silent. Go to do it at a courthouse. So that the start of our life together will be perfect. Well, the rest of your life is not going to be perfect. If you cling to this, the rest of your life is done. i mean if you cling to this the rest of your life is done i want him to support me even if we disagree on something how about you support him yeah well that's the thing too like it's also his wedding right yeah people that get to the wedding and realize this might not work out blows my mind yeah i understand people getting married and then in the course of a

marriage realizing oh this isn't gonna work in getting a divorce but like you get to just planning one event and you right you've realized how diametrically opposed you are to it falls apart yeah was it hard planning your wedding or no did you guys on the same page she i mean day like my wife dana did uh she did the lion's share of the planning, which I know, I mean, like it's a cliche. But you guys lined up anyway. We lined up perfectly. Yeah. I had very few opinions.

She has really good taste. Great. I went to everything. I went to all the venues. I did the food tasting. You were an active participant. I think that stuff's fun, though. I went on the food tasting thing of the desserts for my wedding, and was like could you make a cake this i like got so excited i'm like what

if it was chocolate on the outside yeah then on the inside was like a sort of cream vanilla cream and then in that is taught like toffee bits like heath bar oh yeah like a heath bar and the woman was like yeah i think we could do that and they came back and they said, you know, come back in two weeks and we'll have that. Yeah. They had it. We loved it. She said, by the way, the chef got excited to make this. We're now offering this at our wedding.

You came up with a menu. I have a menu item at this place. That's fun. That's fun. That was like a joy. That wasn't mine. I picked my spots at the wedding. I like, I got like voodoo donuts.

So we had like a huge table of voodoo donuts so good we i had like a special tea blend made by this company in portland smith tea which is great shout out shout out shout them out let's go but they made us like a special so like i picked my spot and then like smith tea the dj the tea that everyone with a tote bag at powell books drinks it kind of is it really if you stay an Ace Hotel, it's like the tea at the Ace Hotel. And I'm not even joking. Smith tea, the tea that people who are angry about the PDX carpet changing drink. Yeah, the people who were mad at you for

suggesting that anything was wrong with Occupy Wall Street, it's that tea. They drink Smith tea. I love it. So you picked your spots. I picked my spot. And like the music thing was very important to me. Sure, sure. You know, like having been to weddings, you start to pick up on like oh i like that i don't like that i like that i want people to what was the best thing i ever saw at a wedding i want to replicate that in some way with my thing yeah exactly yeah love it yes well this is not the

best thing uh so in in response to the future bride's advice question her fiance's quote lack of understanding i want to hear hear what Amy has to say. Ask Amy columnist Amy Robinson. Condemn the idea of a silent wedding. Thank you, Amy. That's right. Thank you, Amy. I hope your fiance is paying attention because if you are this self-centered now, I can only imagine what the dynamic will be later.

For instance, if you choose to have children, she pointed out. She explained that weddings aren't just for the bride, but are public events meant to bring family and friends together. I like Amy. Amy Robinson. Robinson added that the bride's fiance doesn't have to support her, regardless of how good or bad her tastes and ideas are. If you don't want rowdy guests, then limit or don't serve alcohol, she concluded. Wow. Which is also a dumb idea.

I'd rather go to a silent wedding. It's just a lot. Hey hey can you shut up and drink vodka tonics yes i can it's like everybody's like meet me out in the alley yeah yeah uh if you want the the focus solely and exclusively on you then get married in a small room standing before a mirror bitch mic drop amy will tell you if you're the asshole laying the wood uh that's it that's it for this story but my goodness she's dumb that is dumb i mean and she put definitely put it out there to this woman because she's the one who wrote to the woman thinking that she was going to get all this she was like you know those like when that happens

it was like kind of like the uh someone was saying like in the in the course of the writer strike we're all striking right now that like the young executives who worked at amazon and whatnot like thought that they were friends with the writers and like that that that people would see their side of things and then got the rudest awakening ever like no no no you're on the wrong side of this argument right now. I would have loved to have seen those conversations happen in person. What? No, no.

Randy and I have come on stage a couple times and been like, guys, we were supposed to do comedy tonight. But we are actually here to give you the studio side of the strike. Now, just hear us out. Huge laugh. And we're like, look, do you know how much money it takes to keep a yacht up? It's an expensive yacht. It could it's a $50 million yacht. It could just be a $30 million yacht. It's got to be $55 million.

People don't consider how many times you have to fly to the South of France to check in on the yacht. And you have to factor that in. Thank you. My yacht can't be, I can't take the $25 million extra I was going to pay for my yacht and then give that to the people to make the product at my thing better. I need that just for me and my wife how am i supposed to live how am i supposed to live is what our ceos are saying and you guys don't seem to understand that we've been the

we'll take five questions but that joke is so dumb and it just goes to show you how much like no one is supporting that nobody not a single everybody well then with the netflix executives getting desire uh denied their massive bonuses by their shareholders you know it's like people see it they don't see it this is michigan all right let's take a break we come back we'll talk about how you can support ian uh follow him on let's let's get his numbers up on the old on ig and tiktok because he's posting great stuff speaking of weddings let's work on that engagement folks huh hey there you go he's right here we'll talk about his great podcast all fantasy everything which is amazing right after this it's dumb people town with ian carmel don't go anywhere hey guys welcome back to the show uh before we get into all the great stuff that ian's got going on let's give a quick shout out of stuff that we have i'm not sure when exactly this is going to

drop but we'll lay some dates out for you over the summer that are important for us that we've got going on. If you're in Los Angeles, I think this is probably going to happen after June 14th. This will drop probably after that. So July 19th. July 19th, we're doing another Tag It, which we should invite you.

Which you should come and do. I'm in. Do you know the show? You do your set, and Randy and I, during your set the whole time, are writing tags, which we then come on stage afterwards and pitch to you, and you take them away with you. Do we get to keep the show? You do your set and Randy and I during your set the whole time are writing tags which we then come on stage afterwards and pitch to you and you take them away with you. Do we get to keep the tags? Yes, of course.

This is lovely. It's wonderful. I love that idea. It's like the gift that keeps giving and so we do that show. We did it, I think we're going to probably sell it on the 14th. We're doing the 19th and then we're going to do it at Largo on August 1st. So all that, but the big show for us is at Dynasty Typewriter jay and i have

been basically the last during this whole strike and whatnot writing a mike berbiglia style neil brennan block style man one man two man one man show about yeah it's yeah it's basically the show is basically we take an hour and a half to make the case for being parents by telling you how shitty parenting is. It's a heavy lift. Yeah. And we kind of go through our own story. And this was a big story on This American Life, how at six weeks old, we may have been switched. I'm just saying.

We're going to get into all of that. And it's our quest to find out our own identity, which is a lifelong quest that has taken up our entire lives, mixed in with our stand- standup bits about parenting mixed in with our mom's story of her life and our own lives. And it's a really, I, we just finished writing it and just did our first read of it. And July, July 24th, which is a Monday night, easy to go to in the summertime dynasty typewriter. We're doing two shows that one night. We'll obviously want to sell out both of them.

It's going to be a real indication as to hopefully we can take it off broadway potentially do it in new york maybe do it out here at the taper theater we have big plans for this we love this idea and love this thought it's the first time we've ever really we did a show kind of like this back when we got when we when i got married back in 2001 we did it at the hbo workspace yeah uh but this is the first time in 22 years that we've done something like that so very excited it's not going to work out oh wow thank you you don't think so thank you for telling us now so we don't waste time I'm going to be that guy I'm going to be the guy who's like

in the story of it where it's like there's no way it's going to happen Ian said no and then we fought hard over it you know what I mean you want to prove Ian wrong throw it in his face oh he's going to be there just like arms folded the whole time. Who cares?

I'm going to be in the crowd. Yeah. Why now? So that's going on. And all that stuff, superschoolers.com. You can get all the tickets through that. Daniel, I know you're going on tour. Yeah, I got dates set.

I'm announcing I'll be in Chicago on August 19th. I'm coming to Cap City. I'm doing High Plains plains comedy festival i'll be in boston i'm even doing some dates in europe so everything's up at daniel van kirk dot com also this knucklehead here was on your show which is like really picky oh it was so great yeah if this is before then the next one is july 10th at i'm sorry july 11th at UCB. It's Best Bet Comedy hosted by Irene Tu and myself. Nobody's coming to that anymore. See, he's

trying to, he's drumming up the anti-super. At Best Bet Comedy on Instagram. People like overcoming. People like overcoming and people are going to hear this and they're going to be like, well, I'm going to go. I'll show him. I'll teach him a lesson. And then join our Patreon. We have a Dumb People Town Patreon that is so much fun

send in your stories we'll go over those and we give you only five bucks yeah it's really so good all right ian uh tell people about your fantastic podcast which is just a dream to do uh it's called my my podcast is called how did this get made it's not your podcast shit i love that podcast it's wonderful no my podcast is called All Fantasy Everything. On All Fantasy Everything, we fantasy draft anything but sports things. Although we've done sports adjacent things. But like you name it, DVK was just on. We drafted action movie stars with you and Doug Benson.

Which was a lot of fun. You've done it, but I wasn't there. You weren't there. We did Little Debbie Snack Cakes, which was. What were the number one picks on that? crunch was up there star crunch is up there nutty bar was up there yeah and uh it was really fun to go through because to me i love the later rounds yeah because you're really digging into the barrel down Swiss cake rolls there was the other the one we did a year ago was great we drafted a diner oh my god that was the diner draft was so did we have categories in that one yes you had to do a side

yeah an entree a drink a dessert and then there was like a wild card that couldn't be food yeah like a flex it was aesthetic i took like an old like a like an old waitress with a bad attitude i took i think i took the pie case yeah the pie the rotating how about like an exposed rock wall inside another one yeah so so what i love about booths what i love about this is you don't have to be a sports fan to enjoy this podcast because they're just picking to be a fun fan but if you are a sports fan it's remarkable because it follows the sort of all the pathway of an actual draft like a nfl or nba draft but at the same time so if you understand though there's like jokes and layers of jokes for things that people who would get that thank you so that's so kind to you don't you agree that that's kind of how it's set

up i think so because you have like yeah when we did action movie stars look we you have a first round running back that's not that sexy but you have to take sure it was like tom cruise right you know you have to take it but what is i want to take this four foot eleven guy in lifts but i gotta take it he does his own fucking style one one so good at it but then like in the in the fifth round when you're taking like kurt russell or you're talking about you're like you're gonna steal you just get a big trouble i'll take it yeah yeah so so it's it really is a special show jay and i saw you guys do it live and uh right before we did stand up in uh minneapolis sold out electric so fun and it's so fun because you're like we don't know where the comedy is going to come from we just know that we're going to draft these things and

funny things will be said stories will come out so i highly recommend you guys if you i feel like if you like this pod this is what i kept thinking as we were doing it. I'm like, if you like this podcast, it's a great adjacent fun thing that is like a self-general. Riffy, riffy, fun. Riffy, good time. So all fantasy, everything. And what about all your dates? Where should people go? Oh, yeah.

Well, we don't know when this is coming out. No. My dates are all kind of soon. Okay. Is this going to come out in the next week or two? It could be in like two weeks, two weeks. I don't really know. It's going to be in Denver, june 22nd 23rd and 24th

okay good to know and if this has come out already i did a great job i did really good uh no just check my instagram i have a website but it's i do i know that's my next thing that i need to update so no follow me on instagram tiktok twitter all my dates are on there with a k carmel with a k there you go do it are you guys ready for a story let's do it here we go from sent in from we talking about practice at not a game underscore three what a woman what a great handle

and I have seen I've ever seen lately though in that late in that commercially is really bloated blown up to catch up with him yeah woman to catch up advertises for farmer to marry her best friend. So she wants a farmer. To marry her.

And she advertises for it. I mean, this is what Farmers Only should be. No, Farmers Only. Isn't there also Farmer Wants a Wife? Yeah, there's a show. That's a TV show. FarmersOnly.com is the number one place. Yeah, but Farmer Wants a W wife is like a reality show like our big

big load from the big city yeah well that's what this is she don't understand a new zealand woman named live k probably live slash pga k i can't believe she merged with the pga that was actually a big surprise yeah wants to find a farmer to wife up her best friend. Wife up. When she met farmer Ali K, same name, obviously, she left the big smoke of Auckland, New Zealand, for the rolling hills of King Country and hasn't looked back since. Can I, by the way, just tell you, I've been to Auckland.

It's a lovely city. It's not a big smoke city. And the farms along the countryside of New Zealand are just quaint and beautiful. Hobbiton, right? Yeah. Can I say this? That Ali K is my favorite Sacha Baron Cohen character. Ali K is good.

I mean, he plays dumb as a farmer. Oh, he set up Trump with his ice cream. Well, she loves the farm lifestyle in Wait with his ice cream. Draws him in. While she loves the farm lifestyle in Waitomo, I tried. One thing is missing, her best friend, Amber. Oh, man. Amber. I've missed my friend Heaps.

It was the only thing I struggled with about moving to the farm. I've always joked about them moving down here too, Kay tells the New Zealand Herald. You need a farmer to make that happen. I miss my friend Heaps. It's fun to picture new zealand heaps heaps heaps originally from taranaki which is actually haps hips i'm meeting my friend hips she moved to weheke i don't know when she was 12 years old where she met amber at a pony club brag that's a flex now we get it you rode ponies the girls are inseparable Ever since Until Kay met And married Ollie In a unique love story Of her own

I pretty much Moved in on the second date This woman Moves fast Jesus Christ And I never left They got married this year Amber was a bridesmaid

Now Kay Cut to him Telling his farmer friends I couldn't get rid of her I mean she moved in Second date I was stuck with her I think we're married I think it's a schlep if you're going into the farm right you

know you got to make that decision quick so live has taken it upon herself to find a farmer to marry amber and move her out of the city that's right it started as a joke but you never know what can happen i rang her and i was laughing and i said thoughts on me writing an ad for you i just think farmers are so great there's so many amazing guys in rural communities i'm always joking with friends that they need to find a farmer as a person born on a farm raised working on farms we're not just like interchangeable cans of things you get at walmart you're all the same it's you can't every farmer is you just go get yourself a farmer yeah like and she's like oh perfect because i like farmers you should like them you should like them too

every this should inform your life amber tracked up and said go for it oh shut up here's the ad and i can't wait to hear it i have a great offering for the new zealand farming community we're talking about a person yeah which Which the New Zealand farming community is going to be like subsidies for half our crops. Yes, exactly. No, it's just some crazy girl from the city. I'm pimping my best friend out. A mass buy of soybean from the Chinese market? No, no, no.

Not that. Just a woman who's... Ideally, this would happen in the King Country region. Oh, now she's calling her region? I met and married a farmer two years ago. Oh, who cares about you in this ad i love that your ad is inserting or inserting her own story were people talking at their wedding well the goats were making noise she says i left the big smoke of auckland to embrace the farming

lifestyle in mighty king country whilst good use good use of wild in an ad yeah whilst it's been great there's one thing missing my best mate amber after countless hours of brainstorming on how i can improve this aspect of my life i've come to the conclusion i need to find her an eligible farmer from the mighty wakato i tried again this is the point where ian is at the show and he's like who cares kiss goodbye to the city and joined me in my journey into learning all about the farming lifestyle. So here's it goes.

Here's a bit about Amber. Would you guys like to guess her age? Sure. Liv and her are best friends. I mean, 29, 31, 38. 27 years old. Wow. She's 27, an absolute drop-dead looker.

Very great. And super down-to-earth who's not afraid to get her hands dirty. She grew up with horses. She can set up fences, clean troughs, and she always cooks a mean curry. Look, I don't know. What farmer doesn't like a good curry? Am I right? Famously.

I'll take a friend who can make a good curry. She sounds amazing amazing by the way after spending her childhood caring for animals she decided to take a step further and formally study animal health becoming a surgical vet nurse okay she should be living are you watching all creatures great and small please tell me you're watching that on but i started the chimpanzee documentary on netflix which is wild yes and i finally watched buried oh you did finally watch buried okay good buried not buried the series no buried the 1982 alpine valley avalanche yeah up in the up in oh here's a dumb person the person who like was got cabin fever with

her boyfriend and decided to walk up towards the thing don't don't say anything else is that documentary yeah yeah buried 1982 alpine valley amazing footage i watched the volcano Walk up towards the thing. Don't say anything else. Is that a documentary? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Should I watch it? Buried is very good. 1982 Alpine Valley. Amazing footage. I watched the volcano one that was in New Zealand or whatever. Oh, yeah, where they walked to the night. Oh, my God.

Wait, I got to watch that one. They're holding hands of their withered arms. Oh, God. It was brutal. Crazy. Hey, here's an idea. Don't hang out around an active volcano. Don't go to an active volcano.

Just stay on the boat. You're close enough. Stay on the boat. Volcanoes are fine until they're not. Until they're not. That's right. And there's not like a warning. It's like farmers.

Do you know what it is? It's like Amber. She's fine until she isn't. Amber sounds like she should already be the one on the farm. She's a surgical vet. How is Amber not like, unless she just doesn't want to be with anybody, she sounds like an unbelievable person. Has her own thing going on.

Is a veterinary surgeon. Great job making curry. Yes. That's right. All things great and small. All creatures great and small. This is Amber. Gorgeous.

Come on. Beautiful lady. She's less attractive than my wife, but she's very pretty. She's not as attractive as Ian's wife, or Molly. She looks like Denise Richards. Yeah. She then transitioned into pet nutrition industry so not only does she have a great animal health knowledge she can also get you a discount on quality dog

biscuits what an asset fantastic i wonder if she's a big fan of mave thank you shout out to mave amber doesn't take life too seriously loves loves a good laugh now this is where you lost me yeah who doesn't yeah remember when you would do, let's all sit around, everybody say something about themselves, and there would always be somebody who goes, I love to laugh. I'll tell you who doesn't. The first, the bride, the bride to me for the first story. That draws focus away from her. Well, she might like to laugh, but she hates other people's laughs.

Yeah, right. Make it about, it's my laugh. If I'm laughing, I'm fine. If you guys are quiet, I will laugh. Amber's the most kind and beautiful soul you've ever met.'s actually so nice she agreed to let her desperate best mate who misses her so much embark on a journey to get her to join me she's a great helper when visiting the farm from running the dogs to offering to help with prolapsed use there's nothing this girl won't do she's a big girl standing just under six foot tall. She's a big girl. It's I'd be like,

let's nothing wrong with that, but like, let's be more specific about what we mean. She's a big girl and she's going to do fine. You know, it don't matter anyway. Standing under just six feet tall. She doesn't feel like a giant.

She does prefer a man with height. Fair enough. She wrote fair enough. I didn't say it. They wrote it. They wrote it. They wrote it. They wrote it.

They wrote it. They wrote it. They wrote it. They wrote it. They wrote it. People like me and farmers get them out of here. If there's someone out there who thinks they could offer my drop dead gorgy absolute legend of a best mate please get in touch with me i'll be screening applicants and setting up interviews

for the position meanwhile her husband's like can you help me outside yeah please we're on a phone i'm getting all kinds of information you have chores in this relationship she also comes with her own border collie uh who doesn't have a clue about stock but stays out of the way and is very cute please message me a little bit about yourself if you're interested thank you and then she's like should i put she's into anal like just at the end just at the very very end she also has simple it's okay guys just i mean whatever it's good it wasn't long herpes have been dormant for 20 it wasn't long before countless messages started rolling in from men all over the country and Kay started screening all the potential dates.

Great. Again, you have chores to do in this family. Throughout the process, Amber. Also, you don't need a man to move. You don't need a woman to move. You don't need anybody other than your own interests. It's also a terrible reason to move anywhere. Right.

It's the worst reason to move anywhere. Right. It's the worst reason to move anywhere. Right. Also, the fact that this woman is going to these great lengths to get her friend out there is not a great endorsement for living on a farm if you're not actively farming. That's right. She's so bored that she's trying to do anything she can to get a friend out there. She's lonely in her relationship. She needs another relationship.

I hate this life. The only thing that's going to save me for it is if my mate comes out here. It's misery loves company defined. It turns out Amber has been on a few dates with someone. Kay reveals that it's going well and she's currently not taking any more applications. Okay. Whether Amber finds love or not. Good to know.

Duly noted. So two dates in. So she's moved in by this point. Yeah, by this point. Why haven't you moved in? Kay thinks she's destined to a rural lifestyle. She'd need a reason to live close to me and my husband how about just volition your own volition um i would be really stressed if i got her to move

out to the country and she didn't like it that's all on her friend she's got her own thing going on i can definitely see her moving rurally she's super independent and she's got a really good career but she can work remotely career that you don't know that she can continue to do in a small... You gotta see all creatures great and small on PBS. Kate says there's something of a rural-urban divide when it comes to dating and hopes the post will change people's perception of farmers. You didn't talk about farmers at all.

Other than just being a thing you can acquire if you'd like one. Right. Come on. You get a farmer, you get a farmer. It's like Oprah. If any of our townies ever hear an update Right. Come on. You get a farmer, you get a farmer. It's like Oprah. If any of our townies ever hear an update on this, if she marries a farmer, let us know and I'll rescind.

But I don't think this is the way her life's going to go. Otherwise, it would already. It would. Also, her name's Amber. Yeah. That's a city name. That's a city name. I mean, that's an alert if I've ever heard that. She sent out an Amber alert? Rand's going to have story number three.

I saw the word rug. That's all I know. Maybe that's enough of a hint right there. Can you give us a preview, Rand? Can you let us know? Yeah. You know, as somebody, I don't know, for all the pets out there, this is a way to keep your pet around forever.

We'll get to that on the other side of the break. Some sort of cloning. It's Dumb People Town with Ian Carmel. Don't go nowhere, which means go everywhere, around forever we'll get to that on the other side of the break some sort of dumb people down with ian carmel don't go nowhere which means go everywhere but don't go and actually stay where you are hey guys welcome back to the show ian carmel is with us i'm gonna take us home if that's okay yeah all right this is sent in by uh liz hagerty who also sent in an earlier story liz hagerty one of our stringers i'll put put her out there. She bookended this. Fantastic. The story is from October of 2022. It appeared as a link in another story that Liz sent.

So I'm going to give her the assist. Sure, yeah. You found it over her. Sometimes in the dumb stories, Ian, they'll be like, if you like this, you're reading this, you might also like this. This other dumb story. Like us, with all fantasy, everything. Yeah, yeah.

Right, exactly. Yeah. And all fantasy fancy everything with us i mean that was a great joke by the way that you and i saw michelle wolf we got to give a shout out to her oh yeah about uh uh jeff bezos's wife is was like listen on the forbes list i mean the whole bit that she did was really funny about listen on the forbes list that she had 60 million million. Like 60, $60 billion. It would be, you didn't have, whatever it is,

it's in the beach. She's like, you didn't have $60 billion. Uh, Jeff Bezos had $120 billion last year. It's like his ex wife. That was such a good joke. It's like,

and then she lists herself as a writer, as an author, author. You didn't make $60 dollars as an author you just happen to be like in your husband was like the owns the largest bookstore in the world and they can get any you can promote whatever she just put philanthropists you can put whatever you want to help promote through Amazon. It's like, you bought

trash liners. You might also like this garbage. Great joke. Michelle Wolf. I took this and then I moved it. Aussie family turns pet dog into ornamental rug. What is going on? They're taking a lot of licks over in those shoes.

I don't like i don't like this at all we just i know we just lost our dog we just lost our 12 and a half year old wipe your feet on our beloved family just go is it a bath man what if you get another dog so we have we have now a new imagine the smell who i brought here what and the puppy has definitely taken a shit on the rugs yeah what if your new puppy takes a shit on the old dog rug can you imagine maybe it's just the bubble we live in although i spent a lot of time in rochelle illinois sure anybody's house that i walked into that had any animal as a rug and they're not teddy roosevelt yeah i would be like what is your why are we still doing this i don't want to stand on this. The whole rest of your life has to play into having an animal rug.

Everything else about you. Are you imagining it's the dog splayed out with the head at the end? Yeah, with a ball in its mouth. What else would it be? A grieving Aussie family who lost their beloved pet has found a way to preserve the dog forever. Take a fucking photo. But not everyone is fond of this interesting keepsake. Also, shut up and let these people do what they want to do.

If you put it outside the front door and it says go away on it, that is going to deter people. This could happen to you, solicitors. Melbourne-based company Chimera Taxidermy shared a video on social media revealing how the skin and fur of a golden retriever has been preserved so it can be on display in the family's home oh this is a plot line in silence of the lamps is it beautiful old yeah beautiful old golden retriever preserved as pelt it puts the elbow in the basket

we need a pelt for in the comments she explained that the pelt has been tanned and turned to leather so that the fur won't fall out, meaning it'll remain good, in good condition for years to come. I'm going to show you a picture of this. Against what? Oh my god! Oh no! No, it's... No, no. It's a flat. No, no. How would you not get sad?

No, turn it and face it. Turn it and face it. No, don't even do that. How would you not get sad? It looks like the rapture happened to a dog. Like the dog rapture. Really? I don't understand. It looks like his entire body got sucked out. Yeah, it's bones and all the insides got sucked out of its mouth.

Like it saw the Ark. You know how we lost the dog? Well, I've got more nightmares for you. Yeah, it's going to get worse. Sit down on the old dead dog and I'll tell you what happened. Well, let's watch Raiders of the Lost Ark and then you'll understand what happened it's basically it was a nazi dog that saw the ark this is like the total recall wait what were you gonna ask just remember stuff just remember yes remember the dog you also you know what what also benefits us as

humans yeah i just uh read a thing about this is that a woman suffers from that condition where she remembers everything all the time right oh yeah and so her husband passed away and people are like how amazing you can you'll you remember so many things she goes it's the worst thing in the world yeah every day i can remember as though he died this morning oh i think as humans forgetting is part of our grieving process you don't want to remember everything like it's fresh and new because it's so hard to get distance from it and fill that space with new memories. You don't, like, forget about the dog on some level.

Don't forget you had it, but like. You'll just have your six pristine, beautiful memories of it and then everything else will fade away. Get a skylight frame, rotate some pictures of the dog doing fun things. Thank you. Thank you. So the approach received mixed responses from people online. And while some people love it.

I can't believe it's even mixed. Who loved it? Who loved it? The set decorator for Hateful Eight. The psycho loved it. So someone said, this is interesting, but certainly not for everyone. That's the understatement. That's the kindest way to put it.

My memories give me peace. I couldn't do this. It would make it harder for me wrote another there you go yes the third said while the idea is sweet and could be good for the right person no that is really not sweet the right serial killer hiding out in australia you're all back in the dating pool or you went back in time to the dating pool you go to somebody's house and they have a pelt of their dog nope i run instant i am instant i make an excuse i feel sick and i never talk to them just i would say the way we grieve and process

and deal with things i can't do we're just not gonna you're next that's all i would think you're next i want to remember you i make this noise remember you ian oh and you could be a bath mat this is my bath i see. I will make this noise. Huh. Oh. And then I am gone. Speaking with Yahoo News Australia, Maddie, who is based on the Mornington Peninsula, agreed that it's definitely not for everyone. And she said she absolutely respects that.

Pet taxidermy has only really become more popular in the last how many years or so? 15. Do you think it's gotten? It's a growth industry. What do you think? Pet taxidermy has only gotten popular? in the last how many years or so? 15. It's a growth industry. What do you think? Pet tax has only gotten popular? In the last how many years or so? Six.

What do you think? 12. You said? 15. Okay. One of you is one year off from what they're saying. 11. Five.

Yeah, that feels strong. But I'll go 16. Get transfers in townies because five years or so. Hey! Five years. So it's a very new thing. The real Pat Taxonomy heads know it's only really been six years. Right.

I was on to it in 93. If she's a dilettante, that's fine. Yeah. I mean, it's gotten really mainstream. Yeah. So some are more sentimental. Keepsakes, other are on display, resting. Can you pass me that coaster?

It was my old goldfish. What? Resting. Get the gerbil. Oh the dog's playing with you uh resting on their beds or however their owners wanted them preserved most of the requests i get are for full taxidermy mounts pelt preservation is less commonly asked for but I still do quite a few pelts. So I think it is becoming more and more popular. I can't. We will close on this. How much does it cost to get your pet turned into a pelt rug? Depending on the size of the dog.

Of course. We'll just ballpark it. What do you think it is? $1,200. $1,200? $3,500. Jay, what do you think 1850 okay get your answers in townie what townies what what a wonderful episode with the great

carmel follow him on tiktok follow him on twitter go listen to our episodes as your way into all fantasy everything and you will check all fantasy everything everywhere all at once that's what i want to do that like characters and everything everywhere all at once different all fantasy everything and you will check all fantasy everything everywhere all at once that's what i want to do that like characters and everything everywhere all at once different all fantasy everything everywhere that'd be you pick realities of that movie to draft that would be amazing you could pick realities for yourself the hot dog finger reality you just come up with new ones yeah that's good yeah so it's a theme. I love that. The giant swirling everything. Everybody's got piano teeth. Locations.

Locations in that movie. All fantasy everything is the name of the podcast. Subscribe to that and listen to that. And I will tell you, get your answers in, Townies,

that getting your dog turned into a pelt for just average ballpark. Rugging up your dog. Rugging up your dog. 700 bucks. Not as bad as I'm going to be. Okay.

You guys are in the thousands. That's also an indication you shouldn't be doing it. Yeah, absolutely. It's too cheap. Yeah, it's too cheap. It's like when we were getting our hair cut. It's almost like in a, I guess, price. I guess $700.

Do you really want to do that? We got our hair cut in New York, and it was $10 in 1994 on West 4th Street. And then we showed up one day, and it was $7, and we got mad. That's bad. We're like, wait. you're on the border of not giving a shit now like it's down to 7 now we can't complain about anything you want to be able to complain a little bit I'm like

take it up to 11 all right there you go guys that's a show we love you guys so much thanks for joining us in dumb people town join our patreon and oh shit nobody's gonna join you nobody's gonna do it yes they are and oh shit we gotta get back to work