Dumb People Town - Ian Karmel - Surrender Smoke

Episode Date: June 11, 2024

Comedian, podcaster, and author (T-Shirt Swim Club: Stories from Being Fat in a World of Thin People) stops by as Jason explains why a Florida man was forced to pay to get his tortoise back, Daniel describes a naked car crash turned into an arrest, and Randy warns against hiding in a chest of drawers to evade police, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: BetterHelp! Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month.

Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Don't be a jerk Because when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Hungry Down is Dumb People Town

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. When life goes so fast, it's important to take a moment to celebrate your wins and make adjustments for the rest of the year therapy can help you take stock of your progress and set achievable goals for the next six months so take a moment visit betterhelp.com slash dpt today to get 10 off your first month that's betterhelphelp.com slash dpt hey tony's Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Carmel. Yeah.

The cliffs and ocean of Ian Carmel. They should give you the key to that city. I wouldn't mind the key to that city. Carmel, California. You take over where Clint Eastwood left off. Clint Eastwood's time is done. You know they have an ordinance there where you're not allowed to eat ice cream cones? What?

Yeah. They don't sell ice cream cones in the city limits of Carmel, California. Because why? They're ruining the landscape? Because they thought the ice cream dripped onto the sidewalks or something like that. They honestly outlawed ice cream cones. That's an Eastwood law. That is an Eastwood.

So then what I would say is do a cone dipped into a cup. Put the cone upside down into a cup and you're welcome. What they're saying is we don't trust you guys to have maintenance. It's literally the most like we're going to baby you people in Carmel. This Carmel would like to be babied, by the way. I'm available for it.

Can someone please baby this guy? Are you babying me already, baby? You are phenomenal. It's a multi-hyphenate. A phenomenal writer and unbelievable stand-up, and your podcast is amazing, and now we can add author to that. You've got a book.

We'll talk about it. I don't want to talk about it now because we've got dumb to get to, and I know you love to get to the dumb. Love to get to the dumb. So, Jay, jump into a story. All right, here we go. This is sent in by Jason Bullitt,

hard factor J, at I-E-Y-E-B-E-E-J-A-Y-B-E-E. I-B-J-B. I-B-J-B. I want Jason, before we get to this, I want all Jasons to know that I wore a bucket hat to this podcast, but we are wearing headphones, so I can't wear the bucket hat. The bucket hat is dope.

But I did bring a bucket hat. We did a walk-in shop with him. Can we address it? Can we address the rumors? Can we address the rumors? We did a walk-in shop in Austin with the we address it? Can we address the rumors? Can we address the rumors? We did a walk-in shop in Austin with the entire comedy festival. He's just walking. We're like, hey, man, you want to go walk up to the store?

He's like, sure. It was like an hour. Before we walk you up there, let me just say you're going to drop a lot of money there. And you are going to love their stuff. And you are going to look great in it. And we are sorry for how much you're about to spend. We gave you that disclaimer. Yes, you did.

And it was stat provisions in Austin. Shout out to all of them. Shout out to the big. Chase. Chase. Great dude. The biggest buff looks like a pre-good steroids linebacker. Oh, yeah.

NFL lineman. Like lineman from the 80s, but he's doing it natural. Just buff, well-dressed. What were you at playing weight, Chase? 290? 290? You wear it well, dude. You know Chase had that big, out-of-the-pads neck roll. The Auburn linebacker neck roll?

The Auburn neck roll, heavy. The Bosworth? Had to. And he's out there just like not even upselling in a bad way, but just being honest. This is good. This is cool. It's like, I'm your size. You look great. Anyway, it was like-

Phenomenal. It was- And then we just walked and talked about life and comedy and everything. It was quite beautiful. I think there was a period where we went over

every World Series winner from like 1970 until present day. We talked Pete Rose. We talked Pete Rose. It was great. All right, let me get into this story. And we talked about

how hot Dan Van Kirk is. Hey! And how excited we are about mustache summer. Mustache summer. Dan, you're jumping in on that, right? Yes. Mustache love. Watch, tune in, you'll find out.

Okay, Florida man says he was forced to pay nearly, and we'll get into how much later, to get pet tortoise back. How do you lose a tortoise? Like a ransom? How negligent do you have to be to lose your tortoise? Or slow. You just let them go?

They move slow, but they disappear fast. Is that what it is? Is that true? I don't know. Are you talking about girlfriends or tortoises? It sounds like a mogwai rule and a rule for turtles. And for like love and relationship. Love.

Yeah. Our relationship moves slow, but it disappears fast. This is it. No, it's like that's that's like losses losses in your life move slow through your life sure victories disappear i saw a tortoise one i was in on santa bella island in florida right and i saw a tortoise and it was probably the i mean it's almost the size of this like red table it was hefty it was so i wanted to pick it up and hug it it was so cool but i just let it be

like on the side of the road what if that was someone's tortoise like there's no collar you can't wear a collar this guy largo florida a largo man is upset and pursuing potential legal action after he said he was forced to pay nearly and we'll get into it later to get his missing pet tortoise back from the animal sanctuary owner who picked him up oh so, so now this guy's like, I got him. You weren't. He's punishing him. Less of a sanctuary, more of an extortion rack. That's what it is.

Right. Sanctuary is like, come on in. We'll take care of you. I'd hate to see a tortoise wind up in the sanctuary. Be ashamed if something happened to his shell. It'd be awful if we honored its tradition as a creature here amongst its peers. That'd be terrible. You know what I like?

I like a little tortoise soup. Put it in the shell. Turtle soup. It's like French onion soup. He likes it. He likes it. A little bit. Maybe I give him a little piece of lettuce and watch him eat it real slow.

Maybe something like that would happen. He likes your place so much. Maybe he doesn't leave there. Maybe he doesn't leave there. Maybe he likes your place so much. Maybe I give gonna give him A little above ground Swimming pool

It's funny It's funny It's his size Johnny three times Is gonna tell you If we're gonna keep him We're gonna keep him We're gonna keep him

We're gonna keep him We're gonna keep him He said it He said it Alright here we go Ready for this He likes the ducks The ducks like him

He looks at it Look at this duck's Going that way This duck's going that way Easy Johnny three times Johnny three times Take it easy Easy

Thank you Ian Ian's picking up What I'm putting down Oh it's the best It's the best scene In any movie ever I know Johnny three times. Johnny three times. Take it easy. Easy. Thank you, Ian. Ian's picking up what I'm putting down. Oh, it's the best. It's the best scene in any movie ever. I know. I know. What do you want from me? What do you want from me?

He starts looking this way. He starts looking that way. This guy's like, what do you want from me? It was his paw. His paw. His hoof. His hoof. I was hoof.

The mom's artwork. And by the way, is that Scorsese's mom? She just had down at the table. Yes, it's Scorsese's mom. She just had down at the table. Oh, yeah. You're paying it. This one's this yeah. This one's looking this way. What do you want from me?

Looks like someone we know. Someone we know. Oh, it does look like. Welcome back to four guys talking about a movie from 45 years ago. Welcome back to movie references without the baseline. Just sorry. Freewheeling. All right.

Ready for this guy's name? I love it so much. Merrick Westland. Sanctuary or turtle owner? That's turtle owner. Says that it was nearly a month ago when he came home from his job as a charter boat fishing captain. Which was so hard to get him confirmed. Confirming Merrick Westland to

be a charter boat. It was tough. Everybody tried to block it. You know who really tried to block it? The Steve-a-door. The Steve-a-door. You're sending your kid to Merrick. What's the guy's name again? Merrick West?

Merrick West. Westwood. Westwood. Westwood. Westwood. Westwood. Westwood. Westwood.

Westwood. Merrick Westland. Merrick Westland. It does sound like a bougie L.A. high school. Right. 100%. Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, who are we playing this week? Sierra Canyon plays Merrick Westland. You know, she got into Crossroads, but we really feel like Merrick Westland is... You know, it's actually more value for your dollar. And they don't even push the Catholicism. No, it's optional. It's there. Well, it's there at Harvard-Westlake, but I do like Merrick Westland.

They just call it a chapel. They let you meditate. They run the Ivies every year. They get one kitten to each IVY. None to none. One kitten to each IVY. All right, what did he do? They get one kitten to each IV. Non-denominator. Run the IVs. All right, what did he do?

So his beloved, how old African sulcata tortoise Shelby was Shelby? There's a chance this turtle's older than he is. How old is this tortoise? We know they get old. How old was his missing tortoise? I'm going to go young. I'm going to go 12. 12 years old.

What do you think, Ian? Entering puberty. 58 years old. 50. I'm going to go young. I'm going to go 12. 12 years old. What do you think, Ian? Entering puberty. 58 years old. 50. I was going to say 35. 35 years old. Get your answers. I mean, he's got to freeze his eggs now. Shot at your ham radio.

This African sulcata tortoise, Shelby, 18 years old. Okay. That's kind of in the range. Hold it up to vote. Did you recently see that thing that blew up? Science facts when they go viral. It's always fun. That alligators and crocodiles do not die of old age.

What do they die of? They'll die of any sort of natural predator or some sort of injury or something like that. What natural predator? So what happens if they don't die of it? Hunting. But they don't think they have an age. They're not immortal. They can be killed.

They can die. But they will just not die from old they have an age they're not immortal they can't be killed they can die but they will just not die from old age oh my god so they can live indefinitely i heard someone say that like the fact that cells age oh you know what i heard i saw in the movie annihilation that cells the fact that they age is a genetic defect like they're not supposed to do that right that's like a defect cells are just supposed to keep splitting and splitting oh it's a good movie the bear yeah i don't want to ruin it i haven't seen it i gotta see it gotta see that it's a motion picture i think it's directed by merrick west westland did direct some of his finest work merrick westland in a24 all right westland says he began posting signs around his neighborhood calling the SPCA, Animal Control, to see if they took his tortoise in,

checking social media. I don't know, he's 18. He's got to live wherever he wants to live. And posting for info. I think the turtle likes it over here. This is where he says, I don't know who's saying this, posting info to his large social media audience.

Okay. Why does that need to be in the article? Why is that? Oh, no. Make sure it's large. No, I think the turtle has a large social media audience. Yeah, Jay. I think you read that wrong.

You might be right. I think you read that wrong. You might be crazy. You might be right. Or you just might be the turtle that I'm looking for. Turn out the lights. Here we go. Don't try to save me.

It's the turtle. He believes the tortoise broke out of her enclosure and threw the fence in his backyard. Threw the fence? Threw the fence. Went under the fence.

So if the turtle wants to get away that much. If it wants to get away that badly, let it go. You lose a turtle or a tortoise. You just got to let that go, man. That's God.

That is God in the turtle. That's God doing that. That's God saying he's taking them out. How great that if it did want to get away, it did find itself in a sanctuary. What a great outcome. Is that on the streets? Yes.

Turtles on the streets. Big problem. Slang and rock. Slang and rock. Hanging with the wrong people. Fighting crime. Hanging with rats down the sewers. Eating pizza. Like just getting into a deep relationship with a nutria. Yeah. The Foot Clan are just a bunch of freedom-loving patriots. That's all they are.

That's all they are. I'm sorry. Is that a crime? That was just an unorganized tour of the sewers. That's all the Foot Clan was doing. That's all they were doing. Okay. A few weeks later, he says a neighbor reached out and said that this wildlife place may possibly have my tortoise, Westland explained, believing that it was picked up close to his home.

He was ecstatic to know that Shelby was safe and called Vernon Yates. Vernon Yates. Steven Elton Yates. Evil brother. Vernon Yates. Okay, 100%. We all agree. And I'm saying this because part of me worries about it.

Yeah. 18 years, presumably, with a turtle. Yeah. You could recognize it on sight. Sure. That's a great question if you called it would it come but i'm saying just on site you would be able to know right away that's my turtle right you touched it the right way would it come okay hopefully if you tickled it also if that true if that turtle kind of went off the rails could you call it a teenage mutant ninja turtle it is 18 it's 18 it's 18 it is 18 if it had like. It is 18. It's 18. It is 18. If it had like a...

It broke through a fence. It broke through a fence. That's not something a turtle would... Out of an enclosure. It can break dance. Stealth like a ninja. It does have nunchucks. Have you ever heard turtles or tortoises having sex?

No. Oh, man. Yeah, they get... It's on top... They like crawl on top of each other. They're very horny creatures. They're always trying to go for it because it's very hard for them to actually make it happen.

And they're like, I mean, a lot of people are like that. A lot of people are like that. A lot of people are like, maybe that's how they do it. We should make fun of these turtles. I saw two sea turtles having sex on the beach in Mexico. Move on. We're moving on.

That's unbelievable. Did you pay for it? I paid for it. Six more weeks of vacation. They brought me there. Okay. The operator, Vernon Yates of the Wildlife Rescue Rehabilitation near Seminole, Seminole, Florida, describing Shelby and her unique shell markings.

Okay. You know the shell markings. He knows. And listen to what this clown says. Steven Yates? Vernon Yates. He says, yes, I have her. And the first thing out of his mouth was, it's going to cost you a lot of money.

Oh, my God. He's running a rack at this bitch. Seriously. Like, if a dog, would you do that if a dog broke free? Someone's like, where's my dog? Oh, I have your dog. Enjoy your life and your dog. I'm not asking for any money.

I feel like it would be illegal if you found someone's dog and then were like, it's going to cost you. Yeah. Right? How much you want it back? Let's find out how much you want this back. Although, I'm like a dog. I feel like-

What are you willing to give for it? I don't know if turtles do recognize their owners and want to go towards them. What they do is they get up on their own and they say like, ah! It would be hard maybe to prove that is your turtle. But he probably has pictures of the cell markings. You have pictures he can prove it oh dude i think he's i thought it out as i just go through every single birthday party he's thrown for this i want this to go through like judge judy all right so here we go

uh wesleyan who who says yates wants him to shell out more than how much shell out shell out how much money let's get into it right now. How much money is he asking for this? I think he's asking for like $2,500. $10,000. $10,000. Wow. I'm going to go $5,000. $5,000. Get your answers in.

It's $1,000. Oh, wow. Still a lot of money. I think I would just immediately pay it. So listen, he contacted the FWC. If you had to get my pet of 18 years back? I would say, can I use my American Express? And I'd get the turtle back in their car and be like,

I got scammed. What charges? I got scammed by this thing. A hundred percent. Or Venmo. You can cancel Venmo. FWC and the Pinellas County Sheriff's Office to get a resolution. PCSO says they have a report, but it's considered a civil matter.

So they're like, we're not helping you. Wow. So Westland eventually paid how much to get his resolution. PCSO says they have a report, but it's considered a civil matter. So they're like, we're not helping you. Wow. So Westland eventually paid how much to get his tortoise home? Who do you think they negotiated? What do you think? $750. $750?

$1,250. $1,250? Over asking price. Wow. You're going to call the cops? $1,250. $615. He paid $975.

Almost? That's not really a negotiation. That's like on House Hunters when they're like, hey, we're asking $160,000, and we negotiated and got it for $159,500. Come on. $159,500. So I think we did pretty good. Although in some housing markets,

paying anything below asking is doing pretty good. That's true. It's a victory. I still can't believe I had to pay money to get my own pet back. More money than all my pets have cost combined, he said. Yates is well known when it comes to animals in the Tampa Bay area. He's an asshole. He has helped authorities catch loose monkeys, once held big cats, baboons, and other exotics on his property.

Yates was even featured on the popular Netflix series Tiger King. What? Oh, I don't like this guy. Was he? Wait, this is the guy? Yeah. The blonde dude? No, no, that's not.

What was that guy's name? No. Doc. Doc Antle. Not Doc Antle. Why do we have that in our head? Doc Antle, who was like a rapist. Not that guy.

Doc Antle. Not Doc? Not Doc Antle. Yates is Vernon Yates. Vernon Yates. All right. So, 10 Tampa Bay. Talk to Yates about the situation.

When somebody has... Here we go. When somebody has to pay for something, they're not happy. He probably killed them. So, no. Do I expect him to open up his arms and hug me? No. Is it going to bother me? Nah, said Yates, who explained he charges $200 to pick up and transport the tortoise, plus $25 a day to board it.

If you stop and look at it, it actually runs. Why did he pick it up anyway? Oh, dude, you didn't know Vernon Yates is. Because he saw the opportunity. I'll show you exactly who he is. Who is he? That guy with no teeth who was in a... That guy is Vernon Yates.

Oh, I don't remember him. Remember him? Yeah. He was like one of those guys. I think he was the guy who was sitting on like an office chair on his porch. He looks like he runs the HOA. Does he like run sitting on an office chair on the porch? He looks like a runs the HOA. Does he run sitting on an office chair on the porch? I don't like that.

He looks like a guy who's never lost a deal on a turtle. He's never come out on the bottom. No, no. He doesn't come out on the bottom of the turtle. Now, if he had come to me and said, hey, just so you know, I usually charge- Just to picture him with a raccoon. I charge the city $250 to pick up an animal,

and I also charge to board animals $25 a day. I don't think you could have picked a better person to have found your animal. I literally run a sanctuary. Let's hope that's all real, real sanctuary, not money-making sanctuary. Daniel. I'm just saying it comes out to somewhere around $500. Is there anything we can do? And I'm going to be like, yeah, dude, here's $600.

Thank you. With that sort of attitude about it. Right, right. But listen to this. The dispute may be decided in a civil court. There you go. As Westland says he plans on suing to get his money back. A legal expert we spoke to, and by we, I mean me and Randy. Oh, really? No. Tampa 10. Tampa 10 spoke to, says that he may have a case as animals are considered property under Florida law. Quote, I just don't see much success yes it's florida law i just don't see much success that the court would say yes you're required to pay this guy a thousand dollars

for the boarding fees when he never asked for that and candidly the guy never did anything to find the owner attorney charles gallagher said i bet the court says you you owe him compensation for the food costs and what do you get like He'll end up having to pay $200. He'll have to show receipts. What I would do is send a private investigator over to this dude's place and be like, you got a lot of violations over here, my dude. Or you take one of his turtles

and you go, I'm going to have to charge you for that. It's going to be two grand. I think you've got to go John Wick. I'm surprised there wasn't a John Wick situation with this turtle. Just beat him up down a staircase. Get Boban Marjanovic to hit him with a book I love Boban God bless him For now, Weston said he's just glad Shelby is eating grass

Back at home, by grass he means weed And he's working to fortify her enclosure So she doesn't get out any creature around you For a number of years, let alone 18 years Is a connection that money Money's not really what it's about No, it's about love it's about love it's about love and don't you steal this gammed god damn money by this guy that is story story number

one in the book so we come back we'll talk about ian carnet he's an author we're gonna talk about his new book is the tour for all fantasy everything everywhere all at once and uh and uh we'll tell you what we have going on. It's Dumb People Town with Ian Carmel. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, gang. Welcome back to the show. Hope you had a nice break.

You didn't switch channels, podcasting channels, flipping down the dial. We're back here with Ian Carmel. Before we get to all the great stuff he has going on, we should tell you, we are going to be, because I know when this is going to drop. We actually know exactly when this is going to drop. You feel strong about it? I feel strong about it.

I feel strong about it on June 12th. So next week, we are going to be in Dallas at the Hyenas Club on Wednesday. I believe it's Wednesday, Fort Worth on the 19th, the 20th Thursday. We're going to be in the downtown downtown club. These are great,

great clubs. We want to fill them, fill them with you guys. We love you. And then on Friday and Saturday night, we'll be at the Secret Group in Houston. I love that club. We love doing shows there. And we hung out with you at the Come and Take It Comedy Festival, which was so much fun.

That was fun. Really fun. You and Joe DeRosa and us. That was, and you. And Kindler. Wasn't Kindler in there, too? And Colin Quinn was fantastic. What a great festival.

And you and I and Avery Moore drafted buffets. Yes, we did. Unreleased. Unreleased. A a great festival. And you and I and Avery Moore drafted Buffets. Yes, we did. Unreleased. Unreleased. A great lost one. Yes. They lost the audio there. So anyway, so we'll be there.

It was too good. We'll be there. And then on the 25th, we're doing a Tag It at Largo, which you both have done Tag It, which is like my favorite show to do with our friends. I love that show. That was so much fun at Moon Tower. What a blast that was. We're amazing.

God, that was fun. It's a party show. It's a party show. So he did it in That was so much fun at Moon Tower. What a blast that was. That was amazing. God, that was fun. It's a party show. It's a party show. So he did it in LA and he did it at Moon Tower. Daniel, we'll have you come back and do one again with us too.

It's just our friends do their sets. We pitch them tags afterwards. It's collaborative. It's fun. So superschoolers.com for all that stuff. We'll probably be doing something.

We're writing on the Kevin Hart Olympics thing and working on that and we'll probably be thing. Working on that. And we'll probably be doing some stuff on that. So we'll let you know as that stuff goes on. And other things that are happening. Ian, let's talk about the book. Yes.

It's out. It was out as this drops on the 12th. It was out yesterday on the 11th. Came out yesterday. You can go get it right now. You can get it right now. Talk about the book and why people should get it. It's called If I Did It by O.J. Simpson.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You can do the unauthorized version. Can't sue me now. He's dead now. at it which is it's called if i did it by oj simpson wait a minute now wait a minute it's you can do the unauthorized version can't sue me now he's dead now it's called from nicole's perspective it's it's told from the ghost of uh what is it it's called t-shirt swim club uh-huh i was uh i'm still fat but i weighed 420 pounds of my absolute fattest i was a fat you were 420 420 pounds is my absolute fattest. I was a fat. You were 420? 420, baby. Four spins. It's kind of the most fun weight to be. You are not still fat, my man.

I'm still fat. You're a big dude. I'm a big dude. 6'3"? 6'3". So this is about the perspective in life? This is 13 essays. It's a memoir and 13 essays, but it's also just writing about being fat in America.

My experience being a fat kid, high schooler in college. You were always from young, young, young, all the whole way. All the whole way. Like, fat the entire time. And there's a lot of funny stories. I think there's a lot of stories that people, if you were ever a fat kid, you're going to relate to. Yep. You know, and I wrote these 13 essays.

My little sister, who is also a fat person who lost a bunch of weight. Amazing. And she got her doctorate in clinical psychology. Wow. So she became a doctor. I became a stand-up comedian. Both of you kind of deal with the human condition. Both of us deal with it.

Right, exactly. Observing and commenting. My wife is a clinical psychologist, and I am a comedian. I understand that pairing. Those pairings go well together. Two great tastes that taste great together. And she responds to each of the essays. I do it with comedy and empathy

and then she comes in it with... Oh, so you wrote this book together. Together, yeah. We wrote it together. What's that like working with a sibling? It was... Honestly, it's really difficult. Can we please continue

dude that is amazing what a treat phenomenal we've gotten great uh feedback from it we got quotes from roxanne gay read it and loved it shea serrano uh seth myers james corden amazing uh this dr hariger from pepperdine, who my sister was very, very excited about. I don't understand what any of that means. Are you talking about the Harriger files? The Harriger files. The Harrigers were on board. You got the Harriger comments?

I don't even need you to buy any books. Where is the Harriger quote? I'm trying to sell the Harrigers a nice plot of land. Where is the Harriger quote? Is the Harriger quote confirmed? We are still missing the Harriger quote. We will not go to press without the Harriger quote. We locked down the Hariger quote. Is the Hariger quote confirmed? We are still missing the Hariger quote. We will not go to press without the Hariger quote. So we locked down the Hariger quote.

I really think it's so hard selling. I really think it's funny. It is because everything you do is funny. Well, thank you very much. But it's personal. This is something I poured my whole heart into, my whole congested, overly large heart into. So do the essays go through your life, or are they just different perspectives at any time?

So they go through my life chronologically, but then each of them also deals with a different thing. So the one about grade school and middle school is through the lens of pop culture. So I talk about Fat Bastard, Eric Cart hartman even like in star wars i talk about how darth vader is is fat guy stolen valor right right right so the only fat people were given in star wars are job of the hut and then x-wing pilot whose name is porkins yep his name is fucking pork a little on the nose come on you guys are better than that job of the hut little on the nose. Come on. You guys are better than that. Jabba the Hutt is on the nose. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Like, and then, but Darth Vader, who's like one of the coolest villains in the entire thing, you know, asthmatic. Yes. You know, like loves magic. Is there anything? Is there any? Is there all fat guy qualities? Maybe this will be a second edition if you didn't do it.

Has to choke other people. But is there anything about like John Candy or Chris Farley or anything like that? Why do you talk about that? Okay. Yeah. yeah. I got to find a picture of Jay. Find a picture of our dad. So I don't know if we've ever told you.

Have we ever told you this? You, our dad was a fat guy. Yeah. And like just the best of all fat guys. Like just a great guy who was funny and like, but never really, never lost weight. He lost a little bit. He lost weight he lost a little bit he lost weight he was like 5'8 and was probably most of the time hovered around like 250 to 275 yeah yeah which is just

big and he was unhealthy and cancer got him but diabetes really didn't make it easy sure so i mean all that stuff but you look like him you remind us of him in like But what about the one when we were little? The bigger version of you reminds of him. So when we see dad with us. Isn't that very in Carmel? Absolutely. Look at that. He reminds. You can see the joy seeping through that man's voice.

But there's a you in him that I don't know. I've always felt connected to you. And I don't know if we ever told you that. But because we see... So we never knew our dad when he was young. Young. We knew him. I mean, he was youngish,

but we didn't know him in that way. But when we hang out with you and you're a funny guy, it reminds us like, oh, this must have been what he was like at that time. So I always have that connection to you. Well, that's incredibly touching to hear that. That's very nice.

I mean, you know we love you, but it goes even deeper is what I'm saying. There's only so much energy in the universe, and it has to go somewhere. You know what I mean? I'm glad to have scooped up a little bit of this. Maybe it found its way, a little Dick Sklar found its way over to you. That's wonderful. Hell yes. Well, I love this book, and I love this idea.

Say the title again. T-Shirt Swim Club. T-Shirt Swim Club. Yeah. T-Shirt Swim Club. Plus all fantasy. Everything's going on tour. Are you going to take,

are copies going to be with you when you're on tour? Yeah. So we're also then All Fantasy Everything, my podcast, where we fantasy draft. All of you have done it.

I love it. What did we do with you? We did diners. We did diners. Diners was fun. We drafted a dive bar live at High Plains. That was one of the most fun

times of our lives. Our live episodes are super fun. We're going on tour. I'll rattle off the dates really quick. We're going to be in Brooklyn June 11th, Philadelphia June 12th, Brooklyn June 13th. We're going back. Then we're going to D.C. on the 14th, Toronto on the 15th, and Boston on the 16th. Amazing.

One day break. 17th in Pittsburgh, 18th in Cleveland. Where are you playing in Pittsburgh? We are playing Bottle Rocket. Oh, what is that? It is a, it's, so there's these great like venues that are popping up in these cities that I think don't have comedy in them. And Bottle Rocket is one of them.

They also do concerts, but apparently it's fantastic. Really? There's another one in New Orleans, which we're not doing on the AFE tour called Sports Drink. You guys know about this? You did stand up there, right? I did stand up there. How was it? It looked awesome. stand-up there, right? I did stand-up there. How was it?

It looked awesome. I usually do Dragon's Den and I love those guys. I love, shut up. But how big is it? Oh, yeah. I heard Sports Drink is tiny.

It's tiny, tiny, tiny. You fit, they cram like 80 people in there for a show. You don't know how they do it. But you do, you know, four or five of them

and you're in New Orleans. So you're there. Wait, did we do that, Ran? Yeah, we may have done that. We may have done it. Is it like? It's a coffee shop that they set up a little stage in. We did a different like 80-seater.

It was really cool. Oh, my God. Reminded me of the lyric. You're doing Chicago, you're doing Minneapolis. Oh, yeah, we're doing Chicago. We sold that out. We're adding a second show. Amazing.

Just for the sickos who want a double dip or anyone who missed it. Do it. Then we're doing Cleveland, Detroit, Minneapolis. It's going to be a different show twice. It's a different show. Every time it's a different show. And I'll be selling books at each of these. You can also get them anywhere that books are sold

and bookshop.org. Love it. It's going to be my summer read up at the Cowboys. I can't wait. I cannot wait. You ready? Send it by Ben Potter at Potter Potter 100. I don't normally do this, but I'm going to start out the story by just

showing you a photo oh my god glorious who it is it's a man who had looks like he's got a carpet wrapped around him that's it it doesn't not look like me from the back i'll say that also snow on the ground so it's freezing freezing it's freezing freezing like he looks like he's wrapped in the blanket you didn't know you had in the car right wait we've got one of those yeah where is it it's under where you open the flat where the spare tire is yeah it's wrapped around the tire i was looking for that headline is this naked driver arrested in bizarre cambridge incident this is from the toronto son naked trucker Video has surfaced of a bizarre rampage over the weekend in Cambridge.

The great Cambridge rampage that resulted in charges for a naked driver. I'm going to ask you guys. Honest. No. Personal question. How long? Have any of you driven a car naked? No. Absolutely not. What? No. Even barefoot I feel like. I will say this though.

Barefoot's dumb. I have driven a car with my shirt off. Yeah. I've done that, too. In the countryside where I have no one's around. Summertime. I've done it up at the cabin. I've done it.

That feels good, right? Yes. You do feel like. Can you imagine pants on a vinyl seat? I've done just a swimsuit. No socks, no shoes, no shirt. No socks, no shoes? I need something between my foot and that pedal.

And the pedal. Yeah. Dan, you weren't afraid that your foot was going to slip off? I was driving down to the lake. I don't care, Dan. It's a little weird. I'm worried about you. Not going to slip off at all.

Put on an aqua sock, for God's sake. Yeah, exactly. Put on a neoprene. Surveillance footage captured on Saturday. You want to guess when? I mean, I saw the time. 4 p.m. 4 p.m. 4 p.m captured on Saturday. You want to guess when? I mean, I saw the time. 4 p.m. 4 p.m. on Saturday.

That looked like 10 a.m. This guy's into it. I was thinking it was a wraparound. You know what I mean? Where we get like a 7 a.m. The night led into the 10 a.m. Captured just after 4 p.m. and posted to YouTube. Come on.

Begins with a car. Is it getting likes? Is it getting views? Begins with a car accident and ends with a naked man pinned to the snow covered uh pinned to the snow covered ground by emergency personnel oh my god wild melee starts with a white car flying around a corner on residential lardner street lardner lardner in hespeller that's what i would describe this guy as he's a real lardner. Lardner. In Hespeler. That's what I would describe this guy as. He's a real Lardner. He's a Lardner.

He's a Lardner. What does that mean? A ring Lardner. This is either a typo or a new word I didn't know. Flies around a corner on residential Lardner Street in Hespeler, careering into. Should have been careening. That's what I thought as well. He's a career Lardner. He's a career lardner.

He's a career lardner. All right? He comes by it honestly. He's careering his way right down the street. He's made a life lardening. Lardnering. If careering and careening are both words, we need to have a summit. Yes.

Get rid of one of them. Careering. If Ralph Fiennes wants to do another acting job, the constant lardner. He's constantly lardening. The constant lardner would be a great movie, like a biopic about that time to make the donuts guy. That is good. That is great. That poor guy.

Let me try to get an older reference. It is mustache summer. All right, so he careers into a car in front of it and sending that car flying into someone's front yard and into a parked vehicle wow okay why is that cars in neutral like how could he hit it that hard no he hit it that hard and it flipped into the damaged white car career to create into a parked car the damaged white car that's the one this guy's in comes to rest on a snowbank, and a naked man wrapped in a blanket emerges from the car and flees on foot.

Wow. According to Waterloo Regional Police. It's easy when you're holding up the blanket. Right. I didn't do this. Nope. According to Waterloo Regional Police, the man in question is said to have next entered a restaurant

in a local plaza and caused property damage. Well, no one... Just by sitting in a booth. I know. We gotta get that power wash. It's a pizza place, right? We're all picturing a pizza place. Absolutely.

It's an Obon Pan. It's a CeCe's. They're like, there's a guy in here and there's no more macaroni and cheese pizza. So pick one or the other. Cecil Whitaker's. But we gotta fix it. Or it's a guy in here, and there's no more macaroni and cheese pizza. So pick one or the other. Cecil Whitaker's? Well, we got to fix it. Or it's a Didi Reese.

There's a guy in here. There's a guy in here, and you're out of dessert pizza. So pick one and fix. Well, let's get the dessert pizza. What's the guy doing? He's naked? He's naked. He's sitting out a blanket.

Fix the dessert pizza first. The treats of pizza. Yeah school pizza hut buffet the treats we used to go dude me too i found one i found one there's one in texas really yeah and if it's near you and your sister coming i mean me and my sister it was me and the football team like we would find these like the godfather's pizza had this pizza buffet. We would walk in and the guy would just like bundle up his apron and throw it on the ground. I'm going to make it. I'm going to go for it. I can't refuse.

We're close and early tonight. I once watched a high school basketball team show up to an old country buffet. And it was chaos. Lights out. Lights out. Oh my gosh. Don't let the big guys get it. Shout out OCB.

Okay. So then he entered the pizza place that we made up in a local plaza and caused property damage. After that, he returned to the scene of the crash. All right, I'm back. What happened? What? Hey, did you guys see what happened to my car? Who's crazy?

Where's the guy? Did you lose your stand? Yeah, but I'm going to hold it. No. No, I'm going to hold it. Okay, fine. Hold it. All right.

After that, he returned to the scene of the crash and attempted to drive off in his damaged car, but two tow trucks blocked him in. So he was gone for a while. Yeah. I love that the tow trucks are like, we are going, that's the end of this right now. He rammed one truck and again fled on foot. No, he likes holding it. This time into a nearby house.

Are you going to mount it? Mount it. I don't want you guys to miss a thing. This is like an Aerosmith song. This is like an Aerosmith song. Wait, but I love that he came. So that is a typical thing of murders, right? They come back to the scene of the danger zone.

There's also an excitement in that. Yeah. But he was just full. Yeah. Full and naked. I am stuck. What are you guys doing here? What happened here?

I'm a careering. I'm careering. Leave me alone. Okay, so he rams one of the tow trucks and again flat on foot, this time into a nearby house. Oh, God. The scene is one of controlled chaos with paramedics, tow truck drivers, firefighters, police, bystanders, and others.

What others are there? Elves? No, just people who are like, I get a chance to tackle this guy. But if you're not a paramedic, a tow truck driver, a firefighter, a police officer, or a bystander, what are you? He's creating jobs. It sounds like it's a Benny Hill sketch. So I'm assuming it's a Frenchman and a girl in a bikini. Yes.

It's all done in fast motion. A naked woman then running by this man. Guy in a gorilla outfit. An old guy. A guy with a pith hat and a butterfly net. So listen to this. I'm going to read it all again. The scene is one of controlled chaos with paramedics, tow truck drivers, firefighters, police bystanders

and others calmly trying to corral the man. Calmly? A good Samaritan held out the driver's blanket so he could cover himself again at which point he ran off once more. You have all those people and you let him go? Yeah, dude. I can't believe you didn't form a wall. But a guy

with a rug. If he gets away, you make this a town tradition and that it is now the Great Blanket Race once a year. The Great Blanket Run. The Naked Blanket Run. You become sort of a folk hero. You gotta get reservations for that pizza hut

like a year and a half in advance. Easily in advance. And that's just for indoor. Outdoor, if you want to be on the patio. Dan, if your town has a sense of humor you commission a high level artist to make like a 20 foot statue of a guy holding a carpet not the great picture give me your poor your time he could be any of us you're naked someone has heard on the video asking passerbys to keep back from the man. He was eventually tackled by emergency personnel and held down in the snow until authorities could transport him... That is cold.

...to the hospital for undeclosed treatment. Held down in the snow. And his schwanz is out, too. It's the worst time for that to be. Just a naked tush. It's really cold. It's not how it normally is. Two other people.

I'm a grower, not a shower. Another driver and a resident were also taken to the hospital for non-life threatening injuries police say the cambridge resident faces charges including careless driving and dangerous operations of a motor vehicle he's never gonna dance again break and enter commit indictable offense that'd be assault cramming careering down his career race motor vehicle. Fail to Who wrote this? A six year old? Fail to properly wear a seatbelt.

Come on. At that point I mean he's not wearing anything. You think he's going to put on a seatbelt? He's speeding. He was held for bail. He was held for bail hearing. We'll get out of here on this.

How old? How old? We saw We saw the back of him. He's the naked blanket bandit. Naked blanket bandit. He didn't look old. On Lardner.

He did not look old. He did not look old. He did not look old. He did not look like Spry. I'll give you another peak. 24? I'll give you another peak. Yeah, he looks pretty good. I'm going to say...

He looks like the dad from Young Sheldon. I think he's 41. 41? I think he looks like the guy who stole Pee Wee's bike. That's right. He does. Francis. Yeah, Francis.

That guy looks like him. Let me know Francis. 41. Okay, what do you say 41? It's okay. It's okay, Francis. That guy looks like him. Let me know, Francis. 41. Okay, what do you say, 41? It's okay, Francis. That's good. Rant said 41. Jay?

Oh, what do you want to say? 24. 24. I'm going to say 30. One of you is one year off. Okay, 40. So now all of you can go up a year. Judd Apatow, this is 40.

40. 25. 25. 31. 31. 31. The Lardner Naked Bandit. Naked Blanket Bandit.

Constance Lardner. Careering. Is. Careering. 40 years old. Judd Apatow, this is 40. Good for him. Good for him out there.

He looks good. He does look good for 40. I absolutely love it. All right. He's careering it this is maybe the weirdest hiding place ever for a man

alright that's our third story Dan's gonna tell you what he's doing and how you can support him we got Ian Carmel here the book one more time

say the name of it so we know T-shirt swim club I know it it's fantastic the lion the witch and the t-shirt swim club by the way

I need a summer book I'm so excited to read this. I have a very curious question for you. Will you sign a book for me if I buy it? I would love to sign a book for you. I'll sign any book for you. I'm going to buy... Oh, you'll sign anything?

Literally anything. A copy of Catcher in the Rye? War and Peace? Shogun? Shogun? War and Peace? War and G? War and whatever?

War and G Harding. War and G Harding. All right. Heaven things. Heaven things. All right, we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town. Come now, guys. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. hearting all right uh having things having things all right we'll be right back with more the show is sponsored by better help guys what are you proud of uh that you've accomplished or

in your life or your family's life or people that you know in 2024 i'll be honest with you it is a hard thing for me to sometimes stop and say this is what i've done this is what i've done i'm happy about this i worked really hard it like especially in what we do and it's not uncommon for a lot of types of careers where it's always like okay what's the next rung on the ladder right i don't mean that necessarily in terms of like fame or startup just like okay can i do this now can i work on this thing can i get can i go to this club it's like your movie came out this year which is amazing and i think therapy has actually helped me celebrate a little bit like like which is what they want you to do a better words yeah like hey yeah i'm proud of myself yeah it's not always easy to say i'm willing to admit that getting my junior year high school daughter through her junior year which was an extremely rigorous year and my daughter completing college like i feel like i had a hand completing her first year of college those are huge

accomplishments all that stuff is busy sorry as you say all that stuff is busy like in a busy life whether you're a doctor or a teacher or you're a comedian actor writer podcaster editor at times like we are uh that's why i love better help is because it's always like there and you can set it up but it isn't and sometimes people think therapy my wife is a therapist so i understand therapy they think it's like we got to deal with this massive traumatic situation that's happening right now and sometimes it's great for that other times like i feel like i've gotten a little better this year in living in the unknown and just having it be unknown right like not trying to decide the outcome and be like, this is going to go horribly so that I can cut it off in case it goes horribly.

And this is always what works for us. Guys, we're saying, basically, if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. Absolutely. It's entirely online. It's designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you have to do is fill out a brief questionnaire. You get matched with a licensed therapist.

And, you know, I've said this so many times. So good. We do these ads. You can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge so life moves fast somebody's right for you life move fast take a moment visit betterhelp.com slash dpt today get 10 off your first month that's better help help.com hey kids we're back. It's Daniel and us, and I have a story. And before we jump into my story, that is the final story. Want to hear what I'm up to?

Yes. Yes, Dan, please. July 16th through the 21st, I'm doing Hub City Comedy Week. It's a week of my own shows at the Lincoln Lodge every single night. Every show is going to be themed completely differently. Adam, Kate, and Holland's going to be in town. Other comics are going to come and just hang in Chicago with me. Where are you there? July 16th. July, July. Because you're going to be themed completely differently. Adam, Kate, and Holland's going to be in town. Other comics are going to come and just hang in Chicago with me. When are you there?

July 16th to the 21st. We're visiting the wife's family. I'm going to hit you up. Yes! Honestly, you will be the fourth or fifth comic who's like, what if I just come hang at the Lincoln Lodge and do a show? You can jump on anything you want. There's shows every single night.

Chicago in the summertime? That's why. And you need a new hour? All of it. Why not? I know. Come on. It's good.

DanielVanKirk.com for that. Keep an eye out for my new podcast right here on All Things Comedy called The Midnight Air. It's an overnight, late-night radio podcast for people who can't sleep. Half hour long. Great. Perfect. It's awesome. I love it.

I think you will, too. And then you can watch Wine Club for free on Tubi. It's my movie. It's so funny. It's me. It's so good in it. I'm in way more than one scene. I'm in like all of them.

Dude, he is the lead of the movie. So go check that out if you haven't seen it yet. And then Rose Gold is on YouTube. Let's get him up over 100,000 views. We're at 70-something right now. It's phenomenal. Let's get him up. It's so good.

So good. Speaking of the Lincoln Lodge. Storytelling and beauty. Yeah, that's where I shot it. I'm going back. You're going back to the scene of the crime. I closed an hour out there, and I'm starting. And you're going to be naked with just a blanket wrapped around you.

We are doing a naked blanket here, Joe. Also, you had custom merch for the rose gold thing, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That shirt is cool as hell. I want one. I love that shirt. I got to buy one. Okay.

Should I jump into this? Boy, I have one quick question. Curious question. T-shirt. How long did you labor how you were going to spell it on the cover to me it was no doubt a t with a dash you went dash yeah okay there's no question unless it's not no i think everything i think it is i think officially you are correct that's the only way i know how to spell it are you and please tell me i think you're making t-dash you're making t-dash is correct

you're making t-shirt swim club t-shirt swim swim shirts a blue tie-dye it's just a T-shirt. T-dash. T-dash is correct. You're making T-shirt, swim club T-shirt. Absolutely. Swim shirts. A blue tie-dye. It's just a T-shirt because a swim shirt is not the traditional fat guy cannon. No. Exactly. It's got to be a cotton. It needs to be like a 1992 Gus Macker tournament.

It's got to suck to your torso in a way. Yes. In areas that it shouldn't be. And I have to ask you a dumb follow-up question for dumb people time. it shouldn't be and i have to ask you a dumb follow-up question for dumb people time you've hopefully hundreds of times yeah seen the onion news segment with the kid no who wears a t-shirt and they treat it like a morning news like we have a new kid on us today now he has found a way to keep everyone at the pool from finding out that he is fat why don't you tell everybody no i never saw that kid with a raspy voice this came out like in 2005 and he's like yeah he's like i wear i wear a t-shirt and they go and you're

saying that the shirt acts as a protective uh force field if you will so the people can't tell you're fat he's like yeah it works it works and nobody knows like what a crazy i'm gonna send it to you so do you want to know the craziest thing about that whole story do you know who that kid actually grew up to be shut up nicole yokich no no what about the other horses that other clip where the news guy was being so mean to that kid where he was talking about how he was being you know this clip you've seen that which one what they call you and he's like fat and he starts listing more insults the news news guy. That's it. That's the same thing. That's the same clip.

Oh, the same one? Yes. I have a clip that I put up on my Instagram of an actual newscaster being horrible to me. What? When I was like 16. No. We did this thing where the football team would go on the local news after a game. Sure.

Yes, of course. And they bring the whole team into the studio. And they had this gimmick where they would make someone eat gross food out of a can. And he was like, this newscaster, like in eat gross food out of a can and he was like this newscaster like in his 50s probably comes over and it's just like bullying me the entire I hate him where's he now where's he

play that clip and then you say book available God it's exactly what I made this book that's exactly what I did all right I'm gonna do this story in copies total 15 we're getting it up. Sent in by the story by Justin at Justin is a clone. There you go. Are you ready for this?

Man hides in chest of drawers uses... Man hides steamroller. Man hides in chest of drawers uses whiteboard in an attempt to evade deputies. Lakeland climbed into the dress like by the way that's an apartment in japan yeah lakeland florida a florida man

wanted by deputies on several charges so he's gotta find he's gotta figure out how to get out he's got priors yeah either get naked grab a blanket and run to a pizza place or you jump into chest of drawers we're now figuring out what that's like. Allegedly posted a sign on a whiteboard outside a house that claimed he did not live in the residence. That's going to fool him. Hey, honey. Don't look in here, it said on the sign.

I don't think this is the same story, but we did do a story once where someone said- I'm not here. Yeah, he doesn't live here, but I don't remember who it was with the sign. Dave doesn't live here anymore. I don't remember being in a Chester drawer. Looney Tunes logic. Right. It's like, I'm not here yeah he doesn't live here but i don't remember who it was it doesn't live here anyway i don't remember being in a chest of logic right it's like i'm not here yeah deputies were not buying it's not here according to a news release from the polk county sheriff's office deputies attempted to locate are you serious in the same what did you what was lardner no the guy with the turtle the what's his name ericrick Westland? Vernon Yates, right?

Yes. Vernon Yates. Johnny Stephen Yates is the guy's name. Now, we have a longtime fan and friend of the show named Stephen Elton Yates. Stephen Elton Yates. So we went Vernon Yates. Okay, that feels like a reference to Stephen Elton Yates. Now we've gone.

We've gone even closer. Johnny Stephen Yates. And he might have just been Johnny Yates, and maybe I wrote Stephen in just to be silly, but come on. I feel like these are the Florida candidates. I think they're the Yates, right? Are you the Yates. And he might have just been Johnny Yates, and maybe I wrote Stephen in just to be silly, but come on. I feel like these are the Florida candidates. I think that's the Yates, right? Are you the Yates of Florida? Are you the Yates of wrath?

United Yates of America. Get on that mic. According to the sheriff's office, when deputies arrived, they saw a whiteboard leaning against the window with a message that stated, Johnny Yates does, all caps, not live here. You dummy. Don't look in the dresser upstairs.

I'm definitely not up there. I will say if you do have a home where he used to live, you probably are putting a sign out for cops saying this guy does not live here anymore because you're sick of answering the door. So you want to hear cops trying to be funny now? Always. The sheriff's office wrote, gee, a dry erase board never lied to us before trying to be funny now? Always. The sheriff's office wrote, gee, a dry erase board never lied to us before. Should we believe it? No.

That is funny. Now, we all work in comedy. That's right. We have to give credit where it's due. You can't argue with funny. That's very funny. The message lost its credibility when deputies interviewed a person who left the house

who allegedly said that Yates was inside the residence with several others. Hey, I know there's a sign that says Johnny Yates doesn't live here anymore, but is he? Yeah, he's upstairs. He's inside. He's inside the drawers. Deputies used a loudspeaker to attempt to coax Yates outside like he's a raccoon or something. But after an hour of negotiations, no progress had been made.

Sheriff's office then tossed surrender smoke into the home and four people exited. Boy, does that feel like a sort of cute name for tear gas. Surrender smoke. Surrender smoke, come on. Also, if someone's on a bullhorn, shoot the name of a strain of weed at a dispensary. Or at least a band at Warped Tour 98. They opened for the spin doctors.

Sort of Scott, sort of not. But here's the thing thing if someone's on a bullhorn for an hour being like get johnny it's out of here and you are in the house the surrender smoke got four more people out of the house wouldn't you come out of the house yeah like who's hanging on to like be in the house i'm coming out yelling attica yates was not among them so after a second round of smoke. Second round of smoke. They double dipped on surrender smoke. They double dipped on that smoke Stone Cold Steve Olsen. If the surrender smoke doesn't work, we're going to be forced to use the suggestion projectiles.

They're not playing cheap trick while they throw surrender smoke. Mama's all right. Your dinner's all right. All right. Yates was not among them. So after the second round of smoke, deputies and canine Dexter. We're going to smoke his ass. We're going to get him out.

Stone Coastie. Are we sponsored by that? We're sponsored by Surrender Smoke. Enter Stone at checkout. You're going to get them nuggets. Buy yourself some Surrender Smoke. You never know when you're going to have a big old buck running around in your backyard trying to get that thing out of here.

Surrender Smoke. Where the canine sniffed out the suspect. According to the sheriff's office, Yates was hiding in a modified chest of drawers. Modified. So meaning, meaning he took out all the upper levels. So he climbed to the bottom drawer. It looks like there's many drawers. They open the top drawer and they see, oh, it's arrested and booked in the Polk County County Jail online booking record show. According to a criminal affidavit, he allegedly told deputies he ate methamphetamine and blue pills. In regards to the four people who weren't cooperating with the deputies, each one received a parting gift, a charge of resisting. Go out!

This is what I'm saying! And an all-expense paid trip to Grady Judd's bed and breakfast. I'm thinking Grady Judd is the sheriff. Yates remains in county. But it would be cool if he also ran a bed and breakfast. He had a B&B. Sorry about the charges. He's always plugging it. Now, look, when you get out of here, if you have nowhere to go,

may I suggest my own B&B? I do an egg bake every morning. Wine and cheese at 5. We are done at 5.30. We do offer a special on surrender smoked sausages that you are going to love, darling. I heard screaming last night

near the shower. Is that it? I'm going to finish on these two guesses. He's in kind of jail with the bail set for how much? How much is his bail set for? He's got a lot of priors. He does.

He do. Yeah. So I'm going to say bail's pretty high. I'm going to go 25K. Okay. Jay, what do you think? God, so much and the meth and the surrender smoke costs money. You only need 10% of that if you can get a bail bondsman to-

I'm going to say 50K. 50K, what do you think? 61,423. Get your answers in town. It's because the bail was set at $44,500. You guys are in the same area. Get out of here on this. How old is Johnny Stephen, quote-unquote, Yates?

How old is Johnny Yates? Hit in a modified chest. I mean, he did some bad things, too. You are our guest. Do you want to go first? Do you want to go last? I want to go first. And I think he's 31.

That is exactly what I want. Wow. I swear on everything Rochelle, Illinois, I was going to go 31. Were you really? Yes, I swear. You want to get on board with me? Should we make it a joint guess? We can do that, by the way.

We've never really done that. You know what? I'm going to go with my gut. I'm going to go 31, too. 31. Yeah. All right. What do you think?

I'm going to say 38. Gentlemen's gut. 38 years old. All right. Get your answers in, Tonys. Two of you are exactly right. The book, one more time, T-Shirt Swim Club, which also sounds like an all-girl band. Absolutely.

T-Shirt Swim Club. Like indie rock, all-girl. It's like we're opening for girl pool. T-Shirt Swim Club. We're opening for teenage fan club. Oh, and T-Shirt Swim Club. And we're also opening for girl pool. Teenage T-Sh-shirt i'm on

a bill with a band called the florida yates okay never on time johnny steven yates all right i'm in a we're on a bill with modified chest of drawers modified chest of drawers and surrender smoke that's right surrender smoke and we just did a whole lineup for a music there you go welcome to the crab fest all right so uh this he is, get your answers in, 41 years old. You got the one right. Ian, I love the idea of the book. It is out now as this episode drops. So everyone go pick it up.

Pick it up. This is how you support comedians and artists. Summertime reading great essays. Go see them live on tour. God, it's some of the best. It's so fun. The most fun I've ever had on stage was doing a live All Fantasy. It's a real fun.

Even if you've never listened to All Fantasy Everything before, seeing us live. Again, it's hard to. You'll know you've become a fan of the podcast. I'm not trying to be braggadocious. I think we put on a real fun live show. We've all participated. It's electric. It's electric.

We've seen it. And I will say this. I very much think people who love this podcast and what we do will love that absolutely all right guys we're out and uh oh snap we gotta get back to work