Dumb People Town - Jackie Johnson - Meat Me

Episode Date: February 2, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Jackie Johnson (Natch Beaut podcast) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a trail of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos lead the cops straight to perpetrators of a robbery.

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. And Dirk, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. On your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Here comes a mini-soda of Dumb People Town. Population JJ. That stands for Jackie Johnson. That's right, I'm here. My passport is stamped. I am in Dumb People Town. Did you put an accent on? That's part of you. That's your accent.

Yeah, it just comes out. Do you come from a Dumb People Town? Sort of. I don't want to offend people, but I'm from Garland, Texas, which is, if you've ever seen King of the Hill, that's based in Arland, Texas, which is based on my town. I love that. Yeah. A lot of low cinder block houses. Yes.

Hey, that's not a lawn. That's just a bunch of dirt. Yep. But we all stand there drinking our Coors Light at the end of the day. Right in the koozie. In the koozie. Oh, we got koozies, baby. My dad has an extensive collection.

When we're done, we throw them through that tire swing over there. He's got more koozies than pictures of me. My dad's favorite koozie says, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I love it. And that's my mantra of life. There you go. My mantra is, if it ain't broke, then break it. Hi.

Woo-hoo. Go ahead. Well, I was just saying it's nice to have Lady Energy on here aside from what DVK brings every show. Every show. I try, but it's good to have more support. Well, you're no stranger to the podcast world. You have a beautiful and wonderful podcast yourself. That's true.

It's called Natchabute. It is also on Starburns Audio, baby. Yeah, baby. How would you describe that show to people who maybe they haven't heard of? I've heard it. I love it. It is a makeup and skincare podcast from a comedian's perspective. Yes.

So it's legit. I mean, but there's legit great stuff that you guys go through. Oh. Like legit stuff. What have we not done, Randy? What have we not done? I use a lot of products. We told you this.

We want to come on because I want to talk about the stuff that men do. I found a beard oil that I am obsessed with. Smells like vanilla. Oh. So kind of strippery. And despair. No. Vanilla and pipe, like pipe tobacco.

And my kids love it. And it's awesome. And I'm into it. What's it called? Don't hold out on us. Well, I forgot the name of it, which is a bummer because they gave it to us in St. Louis, but I'll find out. See, I've stayed at Come On Yourself. Well, you'll come on Natch Butte and you'll tell us.

You'll have to tune in to our episode of Natch Butte. I've stayed at this hotel twice in Santa Barbara that has Le Octane. Is that how you say it? Le Occitane. Le Occitane. Le Occitane. Le Occitane. It's like a body wash, number three.

So good. I cannot find it. I've been to two Le Occitane stores and I cannot find the number three body wash. It three. So good. I cannot find it. I've been to two Octane stores, and I cannot find the number three body wash. Why don't you just rob the cart? Yeah, get in there. It is in a little pumping station thing in the shower that's like bolted to the wall.

That's cool, though. It's more economical. So Dan, next time what you have to do is bring an empty thing. Fill it up. Fill it up. Fill it up. Gooble gobble, gooble gobble. Fill it up. Fill it up. Gooble gobble, gooble gobble,

one of us, one of us. All right, we all know the world's getting dumber or the dumb's getting louder and dumb's winning. The only way to fight back

is through comedy. And we have our dumb ears on the ground that send us great stories and then the four of us, three of us, Jackie, you, me, and Jay, we haven't heard this story before.

Dan's barely heard it. We're going to try and muddle through and figure out what were the decisions that led these people to act so dumb. Are you ready? I cannot wait, quite frankly.

Good. Your dog is on the lap and ready to go. Yes. Here we go. Sent in by Calabino, C-A-L-E-B-I-N-O. Would you say that? Calabino? Maybe.

Calabino, at Calabino, C-A-L-E-B-I-N-O. Is this like an albino thing? It's like his name's Caleb and he's an albino. It could be Calabino. He could be a California albino. C-A-L-E-B-I-N-O. Is this like an albino thing? It's like his name's Caleb and he's an albino. It could be Calabino. He could be a California albino. Yes. Dream of California albino. That was good, guys.

The lyrics are already crazy to that song. Yeah, I love that song. Firstborn Unicorn. Oh! I'm in a cover band. That's another podcast. You are? Are you really?

Yes, but we do that song. What's the name of the band? Tramp Stamps. And we're a late 90s, mid 2000s cover band. That's another podcast. You are? Yes, but we do that song. What's the name of the band? Tramp Stamps. And we're a late 90s, mid 2000s cover band. I have all ladies. All ladies? Oh no, I'm the only girl. Jay and I have always wanted to be in a Guess Who cover band called That's Who. Okay. Why not?

It's never too late. I could help you out. Please. The problem is we can't sing nor can we play the trumpet. Canadian woman! Oklahoma City. Authorities say three people were taken into custody. Randy, this could be you. After their junk food craving got the better of them. I've been in that hole.

I've been in that hole. There are so many times the two of you are like, let me just grab a little snack. Let me just grab a little. You've told me so many times you're like, the snacking I do at my house has to cut down. And I can't cut it down. I've done it.

I've cut it down in the last week. I think I've lost four pounds. Every time I say, let me grab a little snack, it is basically me just saying, let me show you how little self-control I have. If you handed me a bag of baked ruffles, there's no human way I wouldn't finish it. Really? Under zero circumstances would I not finish even the biggest bag. I used to be obsessed with the baked Cheetos.

Oh, the best. All of it's the best. And I'm like, oh, it's half the thing. Don't even open a tin of hummus around me, it's gone. Gone. Really? I know it's supposed to be for sharing. It's a solo act with Jackie J. The whole thing. Jackie J., you get your hummus in a tin?

Yeah, I couldn't think of the right word. A tub. The whole tub is gone. I love that it's like an old-timey anchovy thing where you put the key in it and unfurl the top. It's like where they used to keep the coffee and then they made hummus. I only eat old-timey hummus. It's like Kevin Meaney's old bit. Let's go down to the old boat yards.

The old hummus tins are coming in. No, he was talking about New York cheesecake at a restaurant. Real imported New York cheesecake. Real imported? Cheesecake boats coming. We'll party tonight. I think y'all can sing. Oh, they can sing.

Yeah, they can sing. I wanted to ask you, what was your hummus flavor? Oh, roasted red pepper. Come on. With pop chips. If I'm at a restaurant and they serve their hummus with tortilla chips, I leave. Ew. You guys are just lying to people.

Because you need the bread of it. Dude, our baby carrot meat. Oh, yes. Cucumber. If you're trying to be healthy. Done. A crudité. Why not?

Thank you. So anyway, authorities say three people were taken into custody after their junk food craving got the better of them. Around 4.30 a.m. Of course. Don't be out. Jeez, that's late. Do not be out.

Go to bed. Yes. Right. You don't need that meal at that hour. Right. Unless you're working third shift, do not be out. At around 4.30 a.m. on December 20th, officers were called to Southwest 36th Street and Meadow Avenue. So this is very heady.

Following a reported armed robbery. Oh, no. All right, here we go. When officers arrived at the scene, they met a man that said he'd been texting a woman he met through the Meet Me app. I've never even heard of this. That's not a thing.

Meet Me is not a thing? Meet Me. I don't know. Don't you feel like it's either super new or predates Tinder by like three years? This to me. It was Meet Me and MySpace came out at the same time. So now I'm imagining this guy. Cops roll up.

Sirens. I'm going into my app store to see if I can find Meet Me. Cops roll up. Sirens blaring. They turn off the sirens. They come out of the car. He comes in hotter than. I met this woman on me though we

haven't asked you anything this is like hotter than like melissa mccarthy and bridesmaids her first speech like he just comes in it's like she told me she was gonna meet me here we're on meet me and cops are like whoa whoa whoa we haven't asked you anything yet just come in she told me i've never done an app dating jackie you've been in a relationship with a beautiful man forever. I missed that whole cult show. I was so lame. I tried, I did try eHarmony once. And it was bad. No, I'm sorry, not eHarmony.

I did Match. And it was bad. Because the whole point is to give you a match and you put what you want but anyone can message you. And I'm like, excuse me, I didn't say I wanted to date people that live in other states. I'm shopping for avocados. I don't want a kumquat.

Exactly. So I have no clue when Meet Me came about. It is an app. What does it say? What does it say about it? What's its star rating? Exactly. What's it?

How many? What does its icon look like? Four stars. It looks like. A little smiley face. Face blurb. Yeah. Like a ghost.

Trying to play on Snapchat. Trying to play on Snapchat. It looks like that ghost from like the Nintendo game. Ooh, yeah. The little a ghost. Trying to play on Snapchat. Trying to play on Snapchat. It looks like that ghost from the Nintendo game. Ooh, yeah. The little boo ghost. Yeah, the boo ghost. Okay, here we go. Is that its real name?

The boo ghost? All right, Jay, what's it say? Meet Me helps you find new people nearby who share your interests and want to chat now! Well, see, Jackie would be on board because of the nearby. She was sick of the non-nearby people. I don't want to meet someone in another state. It's fun. I'm trying to get dinner.

Also, guys, keep in mind, the cops showed up five days before Christmas. I know it's nesting season for people. They want to be in relationships. I noticed that, too. Yes. It adds another layer of sadness. Five days before Christmas, 4.30 in the morning to meet up with a girl he met on Meet Me. He's on break.

Meet Me sounds like straight grinder. Because isn't that the whole point of grinder is like people that are close to you? Yeah. Oh, is it? I don't know either. That's M-E-A-T. By the way, if you're laying on a couch and you don't want to get up and your friend's over by the cooler, you're like, beer me.

Yeah. I throw you a beer and you catch it. You're like, meet me. Throw me a dick. Now listen to this. Or a vagina. Or a vagina. Throw me. Yeah. I throw you a beer and you catch it. You're like, meet me. Throw me a dick. Now listen to this. Or a vagina. Or a vagina. Throw me the meat.

Here's where he got suspicious. Or he should have got suspicious, I should say. The cop or the dude? The dude. First of all, it's 4.30 in the morning, five days before Christmas. And the girl says to him, let's meet up. We've met on meet me. Sure.

Obviously we're both aces. I would like to meet you. Right. He said that they were planning to meet up, and she asked him to bring- Excuse me. She axed him. To bring two bags of Sour Patch Kids candy, two bags of Flamin' Hot Cheetos, and a bottle of Pepsi.

There you go. Now, this is a classy lady. I don't know. I'm just- Poor person. There's probably a convenience store close to you that you could have gotten all those things for yourself. She wants him to bring it. Bring it.

I say this. It's a test. It's a relationship test. This, exactly. How committed are you to this? And it is pass fail. Because it either means you either bring it or you don't. You either delete that app and be like, these are full of garbage people.

Or you have met the person of your dreams. Or, and if that person shows up with Takis, you kick them in the face. I'm telling you, though, you have to set a strong foundation in a relationship, and you're already playing games this early. It is game plan. It is game plan. I love that Jackie's on brand. Even in this, she's talking about a strong foundation.

Yes. You're right on brand with your podcast. I'm looking for love, baby. I'm looking for love. I'm looking for a little bit of rouge. I'm trying to help out those ladies out there, okay? I watch a lot of Millionaire Matchmakers. Oh, I watch them, too. I'm looking for love, baby. I'm looking for love. I'm looking for a little bit of rouge. I'm trying to help out those ladies out there, okay? I watch a lot of Millionaire Matchmaker. I know how to get a man.

Jay's favorite thing about Millionaire Matchmaker is she'll look at a group of people in a casting session for a millionaire and she's like, you're too fat, you have a horse face, you're ugly, you're short, you should be a man, you have man hands, you're a dick. All down the line and then someone's like, but are you married? And she'll line. And then someone's like, but are you married?

And she'll just be like, she's like, I was in a relationship. Those who can't do teach. There you go. Dude, if those who can't, bang, matchmake. They don't even cut her down. They're just like, are you married? She's like, I have a very demanding job. Shut up, Patty.

You shut your mouth. Patty needs to get on Meet Me. Maybe then she'd have a chance. You want to know what my first red flag would be with this girl? What? Two bags of Sour Patch Kids. Two bags of Flamin' Hot Cheetos. She does not like to share.

Yeah. She wants one for her and one for me. Why can't we share? I'll get the king size. I'll get family size. I don't want your grubby hand. I don't know where you're going to be. It's very intimate. It's a for her and one for me. Why can't we share? I'll get the king size. I'll get family size. I don't want your grubby hand. I don't know where you're going to be. It's very intimate.

It's a very intimate thing. One bottle of Pepsi, but one bottle of Pepsi, which is also weird. But the two liter? There you go. It doesn't say. Oh, interesting. I think it's maybe the European one liter. Guys, imagine if any of us lived with a roommate and they were, where are you going, man?

It's like 4.30 in the morning. I got to go get Cheetos. For what? For what.30 in the morning. I gotta go get Cheetos. For what? Wait, Cheetos? Yeah, I gotta get Cheetos. Flaming hot Cheetos. Jack, get in here. You gotta hear this.

Guys, just let me go, please. What time is it? You tell me what time it is. Cheetos and what else? Cheetos, Sour Patch Kids, and a bottle of Pepsi. Guys, shut up. It's so late. Is it two liter?

I don't know. You guys shut up. I gotta go to sleep. This is crazy. I'm telling these guys to shut up. It's so late. Is it two liter? I don't know. Shut up. I gotta go to sleep. I'm telling these guys to shut up. How are you up right now? Because I gotta go get Cheetos and sour berries. We all wanted to live in a loft, Jay. And if you wanted to sleep, do it on your own time. This is everybody's time. This is the communal space. The kitchen is the communal space.

Hashtag loft living. So wait, you're going to meet up with a buddy? No, meeting up with a girl that I met on Meet Me. How many times have y'all gone out? This is the first time and we're on Meet Me. This is the first time you've met? You gotta start somewhere. And what are you bringing? Cheetos. Sours? Nope, Flaming Hot Cheetos and Sour Patch. Where are you gonna go after the

chips and the Sour Patch? Probably to go somewhere to shit all of this stuff out. She's gonna go, you're gonna say, how can you eat this at this hour? And she's gonna say, it's 5 o'clock somewhere. And she eats 5 a.m. When the victim arrived at the address the woman gave him, the affidavit

states that two men with bandanas covering their faces pushed him to the ground and held him down at gunpoint. So they were on the other end of Meet Me? While being held at gunpoint the victim says the men demanded the junk food and his wallet.

And I would have been like, is Sarah here? It's sort of like to catch a predator, but like to catch the junk food. I know. So is she coming? According to the arrest affidavit, the victim, this is my favorite part of this story. This is a Meet Me catfish, but it's not a full catfish. It's kind of like- Like a robbery catfish. Yeah, like a croppy part of the story. This is a meet-me catfish, but it's not a full catfish. It's kind of like... Like a robbery catfish.

Here comes my favorite part. Like a crappie. Of this story. The victim... So they said, hey, motherfucker, give us them Sour Patch Kids. Get on the ground. Did you order Cheetos? Yeah, yeah.

Okay, he wants Cheetos. Did you bring that Pepsi? And we want your wallet. Yeah. And then they pushed him down. The victim asked if he could keep his wallet and just give them the $150 cash he had, and they agreed. Imagine that conversation. I know somebody who's done that.

Really? Yeah. During gunpoint was like, can I keep my wallet? And I'll give you all the cash. I'll just give you the money. And I'll give you the cash. I'll give you the credit card. I'll give you whatever you want.

That's balls. I'm telling you. I'll give you the cash. I'll give you the credit card. I'll give you whatever you want. That's balls. I'm telling you. I mean, that is just a person. Like, he's a guy who is not afraid and not, you know, unwilling to go out and buy junk

food late at night to go meet somebody. But the hassle of canceling a credit card and getting a new driver's license. Too much. Too much. Also, one of these guys, if not both of them, now hands are full with all of this stuff. And then they had to be like, let us talk about it for just a second. Crackle, crackle, crackle, crackle, crackle, crackle, crackle. They probably didn't want to have to deal with the cards and everything too.

I know. Don't we all just want cash? When officers arrived at the robbery scene, they couldn't believe what they saw. What do you mean they couldn't believe what they saw? That's what I thought too. It's 4.30 in the morning and you've been called somewhere. Naked, covered in Cheetos. Like man having sex with alligator is I can't believe what I'm seeing.

As if a scene from Hansel and Gretel. What? Officers found flaming hot Cheetos leading up to the front door of a home near where the address was. Stop. It had been raining and misting the entire night and the Cheetos in the front yard were still crisp. This is why Cheetos are bad for you. Cheetos are so bad for you, you cannot digest them. Criminals cannot use Cheetos in the front yard were still crisp. This is why Cheetos are bad for you. Cheetos are so bad for you, you cannot digest them. Criminals cannot use Cheetos.

You will leave a trail. It's like Joey Coco Diaz on our show a few weeks ago. He was saying he did a heist in the snow and he walked all the way back to his house. Exactly. Next sentence. There appeared to be fresh, wet footprints leading up to the front door. So they had this guy go to address. He gets there.

They tackle him, let him keep his wallet, take everything else. And then they decide to run away, eating Cheetos as they go. Dropping them as they go and leaving tracks. We call those clues. Who doesn't drive to the robbery? I mean, there's your thing right now. Footprints to a car doesn't tell you anything. Footprints to a front door, you're done.

Maybe they didn't want the plate cut. Also, I love that they were like, the Cheetos were still crispy. Did a cop eat them? Someone had to pick it up. These are still good. They used the tongs that they put in an evidence thing and just picked them up. Flaming hot Cheetos,

by the way, are a color of orange that's not found in the natural world. Trumpian. Not in the Natch Butte world. Yeah, exactly. Flaming Hot Cheetos, by the way, are a color of orange that like- Very saturated. Just not found in the natural world. Trumpian. Did you see- Not in the Natch Butte world. Katy Perry went as a Flaming Hot Cheeto for Halloween a couple years ago. No.

It was a legit costume. Yeah. It was a legit costume. She went in- She's funny, by the way. She went in red face. When officers knocked on the door that they had been lit. No, no, no.

Have you watched the original Peter Pan movie? Yeah, of course. The song, What Makes the Red Man Red? It's not okay. That is unbelievable. Not okay. In that scene, also kids smoking a peace pipe. Nothing wrong.

Go ahead. When officers knocked on the door, the report states they could see some of the stolen items in plain view. Yeah, of course. So these guys also were like- Yeah, they thought they were home free. Do you want us to close the- should we close the shades? No.

It's raining out. What's going to happen? Who's going to come here? Arrested by authorities were a 17-year-old girl and two other men. So they really had a girl accomplice. So there was a girl there. She is like to catch a predator. She is on there.

She needed to be there to set up the profile. Because God knows you can't get a woman's picture off the internet. How funny is it that normally Flaming Hot Cheetos is the bait, but she was the bait for the booty, which was... Right. I'm going to ask you guys now, based off the stolen items, the fact that they felt they needed a girl to actually help them pull this off, or maybe she was the ringleader. Who knows? How old are the two men? They are the same age.

Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Now, Jackie, you are a guest. You can go first. Okay. I want to go first. Okay. So, like

we were talking about, they didn't drive. She's 17. Just keep that in the mix. I think they're 16. 16 years old. Yep. Wow. Jay? These are 27-year-old men.

Oh, interesting. 27-year-old men from Jason's Club. 10 years older. I think they're 21. 21 from Randy's Club. And 17 to 21 feels like an ocean of gap. Oh, yeah. For sure.

Right there. They're 21. Snacks alone. I mean,, for sure. Right there. Those snacks alone. I mean, I can't eat that shit. I can't eat that either, but a 21-year-old could still wolf that down. Your dog just looked at me right now and was like,

gave me a look like, bitch, please. Yeah, she has a confidence that's astounding for her size. It is. Me too. And mental capacity. She looked at me and I said 27 years old

and she was like, bitch, please. Okay, here we go. So Jackie, you said 16. Jason said 27. I said 21. $1, Bob. Nope.

It's not going over. It's as close as you can get. I will tell you first that their names are Austin Badgett. Like, not the bread. B-A-D-G-E-T-T. Wait.

Badgett. How bad does that get? And Dylan Buxton. Of course it's Dylan and Austin. Sounds like a Disney show. Right. Are these the twins from Suite Life with Zach and Cody? Dylan and Austin sounds like a Disney show or it sounds like you're two cousins that you have to take care of that you hate.

Yep. Guys, someone's got to watch Dylan and Austin while we go out to dinner. But I just watched them. I'm going to tell you their age and then I'm going to show you what they look like, and I cannot wait for you guys to see Austin and Dylan, especially Dylan. And if you at home want to see them, you've got to join the Facebook page. We'll post these up on the Facebook page. All right, get your guesses in, because Austin Baguette and Dylan Buxton are 20 years old.

Oh! Who won? Who won? Randy. 21. He's two princes. Oh, my God. They are. won? Who won? Andy. 2021. He's two princes. Oh my God. They are.

That man does not look 20. By the way, the feathered hair of, and I don't know if that's Austin or Dylan. I think it's Dylan. He's kind of got a feather rocking, right? A feathered hair. Very 70s.

70s or very 80s. He definitely was the guy who smoked but also played on the soccer team. Yes. How does he have this much lung capacity? He rebuilt his own Camaro after his dad died. I look at both of them and I'm like, after his dad died? Either way.

I look at these guys and I say, your moms and dads were brother and sister with each other. Like, that's the only way you look like that. Like, that's the only way you are. They're brother and sister with each other? Yeah, that's the only way you look like that. Like, that's the only way you are. They're brother and sister with each other? Yeah. Like, dad, brother, married mom, sister, and it happened twice, and this is the result. Do you think the two of them argued, like,

well, we have to have a girl do it, because I'm not texting a dude. I'm not gay. Of course. 100%. God damn it, Dylan, put that bandana over here. Shut up, Austin. And she was like, I'll do it, but I'm going to need some Cheetos. All right, well, get it. Dylan,ana over here. Shut up, Austin. And she was like, I'll do it, but I'm going to need some Cheetos.

All right, well, get it. Dylan. Shut up, Austin. Dylan, put the thing over your mouth. I'm doing it. Dylan, don't start eating until we get to the house. Shut up. I've got my bandana on.

Did you drop all my Cheetos all over the fucking ground? This is how many coming in Cheetos. This is open. This bag is open. This is how many coming in Cheetos. Shut bag is open. This is how many coming at Cheetos. Shut up, Austin. You shut up, Dylan. They argued the whole time.

You should have taken that wallet. I told you I need a wallet. Shut up. Should we put the shades down? You shut up! They don't give the 17-year-old girl's name because she's 17, but it's got to be Haley. Or Brittany.

Haley or Brittany. Haley or Brittany. There you go. Do you think their mother or their sister brother parents were awake for this? Or do you think they were sitting upstairs? They weren't even in the home. They're out. They're at a family reunion of the same family.

4.30 somewhere. But their parents were drinking together wherever they were. Yeah, they were drinking through those entire pregnancies. All right. Well, there you go. There's a mini-sode. A little mini, a little snack to get you through the weekend. Have y'all ever looked up these people on Facebook? Well, some people have joined our Facebook page.

So we have the Dumb People Town Facebook page. And there are people who, so if they're out there, Dylan and Austin, join the community. We'd love to hear your side of the story. We'd love to hear it. We're willing to listen. Come to the Dumb People Town Facebook page. If you want more Jackie Johnson, check out Natch Butte.

Follow her on Twitter. Yep, at Jackie underscore Michelle. And you can follow at Natch Butte on Instagram. Nice. Great show. And if people come do it, I want to come and do it so badly. Okay, it's done. I didn't know if y'all would want to come.

Oh, hell yeah. We all want to. I'm all about the facial products. It's done. There you go. Okay, it's done. I didn't know if y'all would want to come. Oh, hell yeah. We all want to. I'm all about the facial products. It's done. There you go. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work.

Stick around. Make a sound. Hungry Down is Dumb People Town. It's a good show.