Dumb People Town - Jackie Kashian - Some Kind of Joke

Episode Date: January 4, 2022

This week Jackie Kashian comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story takes place in the best wedding location. The second story involves an unexpected freeway surprise. Final story is about a fun toy!

Star Pains, out of here. Hey, Donnie's, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Populationcation. Populationcation. Jackie. welcome to another episode of dumb people town population you population cation population population cation is that might have to be that's her that's her cnbc show all about commodities. Yes. The privatization of water. I can't express to you how I want a travel show called vacation. Now that I've decided to just use my name at all things. Oh yeah.

Population Cation. Forget it. That's now my favorite thing in the whole wide world. I want to keep that on the, well, first of all, go ahead. Oh, I was just going to say,

thanks for having me on the show. I love it. We love it. We love it. We love it. And look, Kesh, we understand the world is getting dumber as we speak. I mean, we've just gone through a year and a half of pandemic and the world is still dumb.

It's so dumb. It's, I was in Florida where, by the way, three different people, I, they were like, where are you from? And I said, Los Angeles people, they were like, where are you from? And I said, Los Angeles. And they were like, ah. And I thought about saying, we're in Florida. And then I realized that that would have been rude. You should have said, in your response to me living in LA, are you the pot or the kettle?

What is happening here? No, there is no comparison between Los Angeles. Did you guys know that we were having a feud with Florida? No, I didn't know that. Yeah, they're the only ones who are aware of it. Well, much like most bars, the shittiest person in the bar does think they're fighting everyone there. Right. I'm in it.

I'm in it with this. So if America's a bar, Dan, Florida's our drunkest dude. Right, trying to fight thinks everybody wants to fight them. You're looking at me, Georgia. You're looking at me. But to which Georgia's probably like, yeah. Yeah, we can do about it.

Alright, here we go. Well, so Jackie, you know how this show goes because you've been on it before and wonderfully that our awesome fans send in stories to Daniel Van Kirk. At Daniel Van Kirk. You do. Hashtag on Twitter. Hashtag Don't People Town.

And he knows who sent it in what order. So let's jump into one. We got Jackie. Ready? We're going to talk about all the good stuff she has going on too. Sent in by one of our most prolific contributors to the show. If they keep this up, they're going to be an unofficial official unofficial producer uh and that you can do it just like this person does all you have to do just like randy says at

daniel van kirk hashtag dump people town then send me the link this person who sent this story in carlene mcdermott at she carlene love her all right ready we love her ready for this headline that uh any of the three of you could do five minutes on with just these words couple has wedding at the most beautiful Taco Bell no right

come on that's where it is wait you know it I've been you guys it's the fanciest Taco Bell I've ever been at when I was there I thought to myself, would I marry here? Could I perform nuptials under that giant gordita? Is there a bell?

I think they might actually have a bell at this Taco Bell. That's how bad they've gone. I hear wedding bells. No, that's the Taco Bell. We'll dig into it, but I've actually driven past the Taco Bell that they're going to talk about. And I would venture to guess that at least one if not all three of you have as well where is it wait can i ask can i ask jackie the last time you were at taco bell and don't say the taco bell cantina where you got drunk for real the last time you had to talk about uh the last time i

was at taco bell had to be uh it was during lockdown because my mother-in-law likes it and I was like you're wrong but we all have like fast food. I mean what's your fast food to go to? Jay is Domino's in In-N-Out. Domino's in In-N-Out all the way is Jay.

I'm also going to add to the mix now Raising Cane's. The chicken. It is fried chicken and fried chicken tenders up the wazoo. And my son loves it. So I have been to Taco Bell recently to get him like something. And he orders this drink, the Sierra Mist drink, that is a shade of blue that doesn't exist in nature.

No, it's not natural. That's not natural. All of Taco Bell's food comes out of a gun, you know? Yes. Like the meat comes out of a gun. Like a caulking gun. The cheese comes out of a gun. Yeah, it's like a caulking gun.

Yeah, it's a caulking gun of meat, of cheese, of all the things, of sauce. It's really foul. It's, I can't. And your mother-in-law loves it. My mother and Andy, they both are just like well i like where it's a crunchy taco and then a soft taco wrapped around it and then you inside and i'm like well that's what we're eating because it's pandemic and i love that you resigned to it jackie's just like okay this is what we're doing randy what's yours what's your fast food right Randy? Yeah, Jackie. Oh, what's mine? Mine? Yeah. I'm a huge In-N-Out fan. I love In-N-Out.

And I got to say, you know, we had the – remember we did the chicken – we did, Jackie, on a live Bum People Town. We did the chicken sandwich challenge, okay? Oh, between Popeye's and – Popeye's. Popeye's, Kentucky Fried Chicken, Chick-fil-A, and McDonald's. Okay. And I will say, I have thought about that Kentucky Fried Chicken, Chick-fil-A, and McDonald's. Okay. And I will say, I have thought about that Kentucky Fried Chicken sandwich. That one for us.

Okay. Dan, I think, was Popeyes. That was Popeyes. But the Shake Shack one is phenomenal. The Shake Shack one is – But it was also $14. Right. So it should be good.

That's right. Sure. That's fair. But I think the Kentucky Fried Chicken sandwich has had me. I've been thinking about it. So what about you, Jackie? What's your fast food of choice? It is sadly, and I only know this because Kathleen Madigan called me like a year and a half, two years ago.

And she's like, I want to start a podcast. How do I do it? And I was like, fine. Because what I do is I, for some reason, am dial a friend. I'm dial a friend, text message. And people ask me for all kinds of advice. I always have advice. I don't always have all of the information.

But I will have an opinion. And so I told her all the things I do. And then she asked me this very question. And so I had to admit it to her. And then she sent me a weird T-shirt that had all of the words that I had just – That's so funny. A sausage and egg McMuffin. Ooh.

Okay. Very specific. No, that's a good call. I'll roll with those a lot too. Daniel, what is yours? Does Chipotle count as fast food? It does, right? It's more upscale, but –

Yeah, it's again – there's hope there. I put it in with Shake Shack. I put it on the same level as Shake Shack. It's like a notch above. And Raising Cane's is kind of there, too. It's McDonald's-y in a certain way. It's like saying that your guilty pleasure is the Nutty Professor, but not the one with Eddie Murphy.

Yeah, you're right. I was like, hey, hipster, you can fuck right off. That's why I'm with Flubber and the Shaggy Dog. Or in Chicago, there's one in Buena Park here in California as well, but Portillo's is probably like that's the jam. Okay, all right. Well, let's get into this one. They went to a fancy one.

Annalisa Garcia and Kyle Hauser were high school sweethearts before they tied the knot on October 26th of 2021. Okay, wait, Dan. They're high school sweethearts and they're tying the knot. This family, is it Garcia? Annalisa Garcia and Kyle Hauser. I don't want to make presuppositions, but I do want to know what her Hispanic family

thinks about going to Taco Bell. That's fair. That's fair. Garcia said that at the beginning of planning their wedding, she and Hauser joked that they should just get married at the Taco Bell Cantina located in Pacifica, California. They have liquor. They have their own liquor there.

Right. But also, if you've ever driven past it, it used to just be a straight-up Taco Bell. They switched it to a cantina. If you ever come down the one and you're like, oh, let's drive down Big Sur, you've driven past. It's just before Big Sur, I believe. You've driven past this Taco Bell. And it's on its own pier. It's literally

gorgeous. It's absolutely gorgeous. This is 20 minutes away from where they got married in San Francisco. So that's where they wanted to have their reception or their wedding. I don't know. Dan, can I say that their choice to do this was really thinking outside the bun?

There you go. You have made me laugh against my will. Taco Bell makes you do a lot of things. I'm going to show you guys a photo of the two of them walking into the Taco Bell cantina for their wedding. This is them.

They look so nice. Both of them are really cute. Look at the guy behind them with his Baja Blast wondering what the hell is going on. Dan, that's the thing. That's the drink that Liam got. My son got was a Baja Blast.

Of course it is. I said he's going to give her a Baja Blast later. Or vice versa. Right, right. Strap on, Baja. What just happened? Okay, so I'm making the show dirty. No, don't worry about it. So the bride, that's her, Annalisa, right. Strap on, Bob. What just happened? Okay, so I'm making the show dirty. No, don't worry about it.

So the bride, that's her, Annalisha, right there, she reached out to the local district manager and asked about having their wedding reception there. That specific location doesn't do weddings. And it took me a long time. I'm like, what do you mean that? Does that mean every other taco? It's like a rotating.

It's a case-by-case situation. But I think they say that because I'm pretty sure you can get married or at the very least have your reception at the Taco Bell on the Strip in Vegas. I think they have a package thing you can do there with an outdoor patio and stuff like that, which there are worse. If you're already in Vegas with a whole bunch of people who want to party with you anyway. Making fun.

Exactly. There are worse things you could're already in Vegas with a whole bunch of people who want to party with you anyway. Making fun. Exactly. There are worse things you could do. No, that is the worst thing. You've given up. It's please drive to Laughlin. I would rather get married in Reno, quite honestly. Dan, that Taco Bell is like, we don't do weddings, but we do do annulments. They all do annulments.

You didn't know that? They all do. You can do that in the drive-thru. but we do do annulments. They all do annulments. You didn't know that? They all do. You can do that at the drive-thru. We don't do annulments. Cross the board. They're like, you've made a terrible mistake within the last three days. We can do new mistakes. We're really good at handling people's mistakes.

We don't do weddings, but we do do pet funerals. Like the other weird things that they're... Do you ever want to ride the hot air balloon? There's this amazing Taco Bell cantina. That would be wild. They do hot air balloon rides? It's amazing. This location made an exception for Garcia and Hauser,

which also sounds like a dope law firm. The Taco Bell location is considered the most beautiful Taco Bell in the world. According to the brand's website, it's located right on the water and even has a walk-up ordering window for surfers, which I don't like because then it's just a walk-up window. If they had a swim-up window for surfers, that's way cooler. Swim-up bar. You're the cantina. You can do the swim-up bar.

But saying you're the most beautiful Taco Bell in the world, that's like saying this is the cleanest public bathroom in all of Amsterdam. Right. You're the least smelly pig at the fair. So, Garcia and Hauser used to go to Taco Bell dates when they were both in college. I love that that's like, oh, that's our weird, you know, thing about us. No, you were in college. You went to Taco, but that doesn't – I love that they love each other, but that doesn't make you special. Dan, tell Jackie what we used to do in high school randy you guys they would get

like 25 tacos each we would each get 10 tacos in a bar after a night of drinking to right in an attempt to settle our stomachs that's how dumb we were idiots um right because taco bell's not your go-to you got to go with more of a doughy bread than a crunchy bread like a wet pretzels if we only had one it's if you if you went to a white castle yeah and just got a bag of rats right saccharats saccharats saccharats yeah the white garcia and hauser paid how much money to rent out the patio space at the Taco Bell Cantina for four hours? 99 cents. 99 cents.

Am I right? Am I right? You are our guest, so you can go first, or you can go, Tig, which is second, or you can go last, whatever you want. Yeah, Jackie, how much for real do you think they charged him for it? Oh, outside of Big Sur? Probably. Four hours on the patio. Four hours.

$400. Okay, $400. Yeah, that's actually pretty good. Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say $600. Okay. I'm going to say they did charge them like $1,200. Okay, I'm going to read you guys one more sentence

because I should have read this one first before giving a guess. Included in the amount of money is unlimited food and non-alcoholic beverages, but they also paid for guests to have a massage. They also paid for guests to have their own alcoholic beverages on the side. So you could bring your own drinks.

Corkage. And it's unlimited food and unlimited non-alcoholic beverages. Does anybody want to change their guess? I just felt like I do. I'm going to change my guess to $600. $600. I'm going to change mine to $1,500. I'm going to change mine to $2,500. By the way, for a wedding reception is insanely economic.

The amount of money that they paid to rent out the patio space with unlimited food and non-alcoholic drinks, but the ability to bring alcoholic drinks for four hours on the patio at the Taco Bell Cantina, the most beautiful Taco Bell in the world, is $4,000. Wow! They paid for it. The bride and groom...

The staff had custom bride and groom baseball caps made for Garcia and Hauser. See, if I would have known that, then I would have said. Oh my God. Taco Bell Cantina groom and bride hats. It's kind of the

greatest wedding. Like, this will be the thing that they'll say to everybody. Like, we did this. Right. Now, where did you two get married? Me and Randy? Not to each other. No, not to each other. I got married in la i got married in la at the it on the highway one on the uh bel air at the bel air bay club which is like basically in the pacific

palisades yeah overlooking the ocean so i kind of had the same view that these guys had only no cantina jay i got uh married at a poquito moss in no I got married at the uh Biltmore Hotel the Four Seasons Biltmore Hotel in Santa Barbara overlooking the water also Jackie where'd you get married that is you were that is the correct question to ask after you both talked about really nice places to get married I got married it's a beautiful place uh beautiful place. It was a dim sum restaurant in Chinatown, downtown LA. That's amazing. I love that too. For these two's weddings, Garcia wore a $198

revolved dress and Hauser wore a navy blue Joseph A. Bank suit. You're going to love how you look. Close enough. Garcia and Hauser walked into the Taco Bell and didn't know what to expect. What the couple didn't know was that the staff at the Taco Bell had set everything up for them and even added some surprise decorations. An employee made a surprise heart-shaped cake out of Taco Bell sauce packets and served it as a centerpiece.

Dan, that is simultaneously awesome. That's a diarrhea cake. Is that a cake? That's not a cake. They called it a cake. They's a diarrhea cake. Is that a cake? That's not a cake. They called it a cake. They called it a cake. I know. I thought the same exact thing.

It's just sauce packets. Right, but it's not a cake. They just stacked sauce packets and glued them together. Is that what they did? Maybe. We don't even know if they went that far with the glue. Or maybe is that fondant? Did they actually make it an amazing?

You have been watching a lot of cooking shows, Jackie. If it is, oh my God, this is the greatest. Then that is. That's amazing. That's great cake. Garcia said her favorite part of getting married at Taco Bell was how the staff made everything so easy for them. It's Taco Bell. They literally make things easy on anyone who walks out that door or even crawls through the door.

If they're like, you just throw pennies at us and we'll give you whatever you can afford. Open your mouth. We're going to squeeze this food in your face. With a gun. With a food gun. You think they're going to make it a hassle for people getting – they deal with people at 2.30 in the morning going through a divorce. They can help you. They also talk somebody into giving

them four thousand four thousand dollars number one technically though you did pay 4k for four hours on the ocean i mean you are on the ocean for your property right and location location dan you're right they spend every night after 12 like dealing domestic disputes. It's nice to see somebody get together at a Taco Bell. But it's also an open mic. I mean, that's what I really liked about it during college, is that you could really work the room. You needed to.

She said, we just told them what our vision was, and they made it happen. They truly went above and beyond. I really cannot say enough. The employees also decorated with flower bouquets that Garcia had made from sauce packets and old wine bottles that they saved for her. So look, they made these little flower settings out of the packets and then old wine bottles they put Taco Bell on. It's kind of amazing. I don't mean to be their manager, but were they punched in when they were making these things?

Do they get overtime for this dance? That's great. The couple let staff know what their favorite menu items were ahead of time, so guests were able to eat things like the cheesy gordita crunch, Crunchwrap Supreme, and loaded fiesta potatoes and nachos. But if guests wanted something else to eat, they could order off the menu, and it was already included in the fee that the couple had paid. So as long as you were down for this and you showed up with like,

yeah, let's fuck it. Let's just have fun. I'm sure we'll go out later somewhere else. This could have been a great time. No, I'm sure it was wonderful. I genuinely believe that they had the time of their lives. I agree. But Dan, you are on record saying that you are the best guest

to ever come to a wedding. I think I'm a pretty damn good one. You're really good, Dan. I'll dance you're really good i'll dance with your aunt i'll dance with your i'll dance with your aunt is dan's book you should write a book on how to be a great wedding guest called i'll dance with your aunt you heard it here first yeah and i want you to do that how to be the best wedding guest ever by dan even a children's novel just like with with with with art i want right yeah you go up right when you get there you slip 40 bucks to one of the bartenders so that later on when there's a line you can do the shot you know you come in from the angle you're not budging the line but you're just

looking over and then you go nick because because they know you at that point you know and they just go they go like you know nick can i just whenever you're ready and then there's always an uncle who's pissed off about the line so you look at them you go what do you want i got you and now now you're right this fucking book will you. And now you're in. Dan, will you write this fucking book? Will you write this book? Now you're in with that guy, and he's going to vouch to everybody else. So you see this son of a bitch?

I'm standing there waiting in line. The last thing I'll say to you on Good Wedding Guest Etiquette, order multiple drinks right before the toast because they're going to shut that bar down, and you will not be able to get a drink. And I've been at a wedding, John Roy's wedding. I go, hey, can I get a Jack and Coke? And then they're like, yeah, for sure. Slipped a 20.

I go, also, can you just throw me two bottles of wine? So I came back to the table with two bottles of wine while the bar was shut down. We were the most popular table in the world. It was me and Jared Logan and Kara Clank. I'll dance with your aunt when your uncle can't. I'll take her around the Truffula plant. No, no. when your uncle can't i'll take her around the truffula plant no no i'll dance with your aunt

uh how to be the best wedding guest in the world by daniel van kirk having a good time um oh where was i oh the couple had the cake oh they did have a real cake i don't know what that other packet cake was i think they just it was a packet shape like jackie said it was probably the thing that they put on all the tables that you got to take home. Right. The couple had a cake made by a local bakery inspired by another

Taco Bell cake they had seen online. I guess that's a thing. The Taco Bell sauce cake. You're right. They just called it a cake in name only. The sauce shape. Packet. Sauce shape. Structure. Scul it is it's a sauce packet sculpture yes it is now on permanent display at the pacifica location somebody listening to us right now could go see this thing i want someone to take a picture

with it carcia said when when the guests first found out that the couple was getting married at taco bell they were a bit hesitant, but everything worked out, which is kind of how anyone describes going to a Taco Bell, right? Like I was a bit hesitant. And you're surprised when it works. Exactly. They were actually surprised at what a nice location it was. I'm telling anybody who ever drives by, you will be like,

this is a freaking Taco Bell. And how great the service was. The staff was amazing. They were so helpful and attentive. It really was better than we could have imagined. For their wedding photographer, Emily Jenks, getting to shoot at the Taco Bell was exciting. Normally, if you're taking pictures at a Taco Bell,

you're doing a modern-day version of those Dust Bowl photos. Yes. It's not a joyous thing. It's a woman with seven kids on her and she holds her face yeah yes um i've never done anything like that before and after a while things get very redundant but this was just out of the box so how do you miss that outside the bun i know yeah how do you miss that i called it a wedding photographer not a comedian uh that's story number one my friend there you go oh my. What a great idea.

It kind of ends in a happy man. As Jay said, they will probably get divorced at Adele Taco. It's good to know this. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we're going to hear about all the stuff that Jackie Cation is doing. And I cannot wait. It's Don't People Town. Don't People Town.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome Don't People Town. and the 14th through the 16th, Randy and I are in Denver at the Comedy Works downtown, our favorite club in the world. Oh, yeah. And then the next month, we'll be in D.C. at the Comedy Loft

and the following month, we'll be at Hilarities in Cleveland. We're going around the road once a month and it's been really special for us. We also have a Patreon ourselves where we are doing new episodes of our old show, Cheap Seats, called Cheaper Seats, called Cheaper

Seats. It's cheaper, but it's no less funny. I think it's wonderful. So that's a great way to support us. And there's one tier. It's $5 a month. You can support us that way. Danny Van Kirk has a website, DannyVanKirk.com, and you can find that.

There's digital shows there if you want to stay wherever you are, but still come and do some comedy fun stuff with me. Otherwise, my tour starts back up in March, and I believe a couple days after this drops, this Thursday, I will be at the Improv, and then other local shows as they come up, just at DanielVanKirk on social media, and DanielVanKirk.com for anything else you want to do

where I'll be, and have fun. Jackie, how can people see the latest and the greatest of what you're doing and continue to support you in Dork Forest and all that good stuff well it's a well you guys are you guys are doing some great clubs I'm also doing the DC loft at some point and the comedy works but

I think I'm at the bell house on the 16th in New York of January and then I'm at Mark Ridley's comedy castle in Michigan the weekend after that and then I'm at Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle in Michigan the weekend after that and then I'm at Comedy on State which is one of the best clubs in the country

the best of the best that's at the end of January and then I have a new album and a new special out new specials on YouTube for free the album of the same name it's called Staycation remember what happened?

it's the last name and then we were at home yeah and then uh yeah so uh it is but the the special is free on youtube if you just google staycation great uh youtube you it should all work out but do you have to spell my name right we're gonna comment k-a-s-h we're gonna comment we're gonna love it we're're going to give it many stars. You know what's interesting? It is already, I mean, it's on 800 Pound Gorilla's website, their YouTube.

And so it has lots of watches and everything's great, but lots of comments. And you know how traditionally you don't want to read the comments. There isn't a bad comment. Are you serious? You know how likable I am? Let's just talk about it.

I agree. I co-sign that. Lovable. I don't say likable. I say lovable. Jackie, you are one of our favorite people in comedy. That is amazing and I appreciate that. This album is so funny because

this is the 37th hundredth podcast that I've done to talk about it. And it is so interesting to me that people are like, hey, what was the last? I just talked to Adam Ferrara and he said, you know what's interesting

is that you talk about the horrible thing that's happening in the world and then you make it personal and it's not, you have an opinion, but you don't just lead with the opinion. And I said, wow, I wish I was doing that on purpose. Come on. That is awesome. That worked out.

Anyway, so it's at Jackiecation, wherever, and Staycation's the name of the thing, and I have two podcasts. And you guys should both be on them. So should name of the thing, and I have two podcasts. You guys should both be on them. So should you, Dan. Thanks, I would love to. Everyone should be on the Dork Forest. Scheduling is the worst. I love you.

We've done it. We did it once at Moon Tower a long time ago, a live one that was so much fun. But I'd like you to, if you guys want to divide and conquer and just come on, just Jay come on, Brandy come on,

and then Dan come on. We'll do music on. And then I'd love to do records, records, music, all sorts of stuff. Dan can go deep in many different areas. And yeah, weddings. He could talk about wedding.

I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll talk about cabin life, ants, cabin life in Wisconsin. I'll roll. I cannot wait to see this special staycation. I'm so excited because literally I can listen to Jackie Cation talk about how much she doesn't like how her shirt is currently.

Like if she's like, I don't love the way my shirt is fitting me. You could do that for 20 minutes and I'd be like. You could also talk about how your dad sold aluminum siding for an hour. And we're like, we're in. I'm in. I want to hear it. Every album has at least 12 to 20 minutes on Elliot Cation. I told him he can't die.

I need one more album out of him. He's 84. So he's got to stick it out. God bless. He's got to be so proud of you. What does he think of your comedy? He probably digs it. He, you know, famously in my mind,

he probably doesn't even remember saying it. He said, you know, I missed you the other day. So I put in that Vhs tape of your uh your one person show it was back in like 2002 and i said did you miss me or did you miss me talking about you and he goes oh the second elliot cation yep all right you guys want to jump into a second story let's do it okay here go. This was sent in by Catherine Bryan at Brian Katie Bryan, which I hope is a nod to Stephen Brody Stevens. I'm going to tell

myself that's what it's there for. It feels appropriate. Here's the headline. Fox5SanDiego.com Authorities looking to identify motorists accused of scooping up money on the freeway. Did you guys see this news story when it happened

no no you missed this oh i remember hearing about it the day that it happened all right accused of scooping up money so that's just money out on the freeway and they're authorities friday were working to identify drivers suspected in pocketing money that went flying out of the back of an armored car and onto interstate 5 in Carlsbad. So people are driving, and somehow the doors open on the back of an armored car, and you would think that it's like in cages or bags or something. No, it's just loose cash billowing out of the back of this thing. But you lost it. That's your fault.

That no longer belongs to you. The Interstate just gets covered in money. People start seeing this, pulling over and scooping it up by the handfuls. That's dangerous. Dan, Dan. I've had this happen to me before. I bought a pair of sneakers that I saw. I was in Toronto, and I was like, I'm going to buy a pair of sneakers online.

And I didn't check out where this sneaker company was, but it was a pair of sneakers that I wanted. It was a good price. I think it's coming from europe and i go to click on the website to try and track where it is and i can't find it and i just can't find it because like the website's down and i'm like i got scammed and then i'm kind of tracking and i'm like well it says that it was delivered to a usps partner in somewhere in new jersey and then it's just got to get there but but it's been 11 days. You know what I think to myself? That money is gone. I'm never going to get it back.

Maybe I can call PayPal and be like, can you guys help me out here because I think I got scammed. Maybe, but you know what? I think that money is gone. You who are driving the armored car needs to say, that money is gone. Gone. Gone. Over. It's over. Calls began coming in about 9.15 a.m friday to california highway

patrol dispatchers about a large sum of money in the roadway on i-5 near cannon road as well as about drivers getting out to collect the bills a man and a woman were arrested on suspicion of taking cash after listen they got out so excitedly they They got out to get the money. They were picking up litter. Yeah, that's true. They didn't hijack the van. Right. No. Right.

They were arrested on suspicion of taking the cash after they got stuck on the freeway with their keys locked in the car and blocking traffic. So they got out so fast, they locked themselves out of the car. Welcome to Dumbtown. I don't know. Oh, my gosh. They couldn't get away with all the money. That's the other thing, too, is people start filming themselves on social media.

Look at all this cash. Here's the other thing. Can I tell everybody something? If Old Country for No Man has taught us nothing, it's as if you find a lot of money, you got to keep that to yourself. Do not put that. Yes. It's like you see smart lottery winners.

Don't tell anybody who they are that won it. There was a huge one in this past year. Somebody won the biggest ever. No one ever found out who it was because they didn't want to give away. You don't tell anybody who they are that won it. There was like a huge one in this past year. Somebody won like the biggest ever. No one ever found out who it was because they didn't want to give away. You don't have to. You have no obligation to tell everybody, look at all the money I found. It gets you in trouble. Totally.

The incident generated significant buzz in the community with videos of people scooping up cash being widely circulated on social media and among news outlets. Multiple screenshots. This is like a movie. It's a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world. being widely circulated on social media and among news outlets. Multiple screenshots. This is like a movie. This is a movie. It's a mad, mad, mad, mad, mad, mad world. Multiple screenshots from some of these videos were released late Friday by the CHP, that's the California Highway Patrol, which was investigating the incident along with the FBI.

The agency said it was trying to determine the identities of the motorists in the images and were urging them to return the money within 48 hours to avoid potential criminal charges if i return the money jackie if i return the money then i say to the armored car company i want you to pay me for doing your job for you i get whatever whatever however the hour where's my reward my reward i stop by every day and say where's my reward are they Are they fives and tens? Are they tens and twenties? Is it a pile of ones?

I believe it was all singles and twenties that went flying out the window. Untraceable. Untraceable. All of it. Right. The two things you bring to a strip club if you're just like, just the lowest part of the tunnel or you're a rapper. On the top.

Yeah. The CHP would like to thank those motorists who have already returned money to their local CHP office, the agency said in a news release, and remind the public to do the right thing and return any money they found on the freeway. Also, depending on how long they drove, there's got to be money still out there right now that blew off onto the side. It's just hooked up to a yucca tree one time i was driving i lived in chicago i was driving up to the cabin in wisconsin

it was like a holiday weekend and it was slammed traffic and and it was we were going at like 35 40 miles per hour but it was non-stop like you better pay attention to everything bumper to bumper right and i remember i was in the far left lane. There's the median right there. And I don't know why. It was just slow enough for me to see but too fast to do anything about it. I look and there were just these bills at like 20s. They were 20. You could see they weren't singles.

And they were just like swirling around as cars went by. And I always – I was so poor at the time. I always ask myself like – As you were off. And I always asked myself, like, I should have. As you were off to your castle in northern Wisconsin. Yeah, right. Trust me. It is not. I think it's built on asbestos on top of asbestos.

But I've always said to myself, like, I wish I would have just stopped. And, like, even if it would have been, like, 20 bucks, I don't care. It haunts me to this day. Yeah, there's weird regrets that we have from back in the day i once sold all of my baseball cards that were given to me when i was a kid for rent and there was a cal ripken rookie card and they gave me 50 bucks for all of the cards so jason and i needed the 50 bucks jack needed it i love it this happened to you so jay and i were driving our parents' car, and we made it. Jay, you were driving.

I was driving. Let's not put this on me. Fine. I was trying to make a U-turn over what I didn't see was a median, and it literally ripped something off the bottom of our car, and we had to go get it fixed. And we said our parents are going to be so pissed, so we sold our baseball cards as kids to pay for.

And we had, like like a Hank Aaron rookie. We had Ricky Henderson. We had great cards. Great, great, great cards. And we had Tom Seaver rookie. We had to sell all of them just to pay for our Pontiac 6000 LE. This is though like that's the cost of doing life. And this is like – and I've said this before.

People who grow up like rich, they can still grow up to be great people. I'm not wealth-shaming anybody who does it right and lives their life right. Please do. Please do wealth-shaming because it's a great job. I'm not saying all of them. But that forced you guys in that moment to be like sometimes life puts you in a position. You have to do something you don't want to do to do the right thing. And you grew way more than person who never

has to face that consequence in their life at all do you know what i mean like i think jason i feel bad for you but at the same time i think jason would say sometimes randy puts you in a situation you know my brother phil asked my dad if he ever if he had any regrets. And my dad said, no. And I can't express to you how many things came to my brother Phil's mind. That he should have regretted. Sure. Daddy help you, dad. Dad, you're not going to regret A, B, C, D, E. My dad had an affair for nine years.

And when confronted about it, he said, not nine years in a row. He's going to get you on that technicality. Even Sinatra says, I have regrets. Too few to mention, but I have a few. Too few to mention, but I have so much. Your brother could have said to your dad, I'm going to add one to that list. It's you saying I have no regrets. I asked you if you had regrets.

We'll get out of here on this. Travis Fisher, who was a driver caught in the chaos, says, I see all these things floating around, and I realize it's money. It was pretty crazy just everywhere. There was a sea of bills everywhere. Can you imagine if you were behind on any payments, as so many of us are, and you see just money flying at you as you drive down to san diego and it should have been free this is not on anybody's right right uh to return the money

from the incident if anybody listens is thinking about it chp request people contact its dispatch center at 858-637-380 zero zero that are you giving the money to Scrooge or is it Mr. Burns? Exactly. Exactly. Who's getting it? Who's getting this? That's a great point. We're going to take a break. Dan, give us a little teaser

of what we're getting on the final segment. We have a bad children's toy. Bad children's toy. I love it. Jackie Cation, for our Patreon fans, is going to tell a stupid story of something dumb that she's done so patreon fans join that up and i can't wait for that it's dumb people town with the great jackie cation who has a new special out on youtube staycation i cannot wait for everyone to dig into it we'll be right back with more dumb people town right after this

Stick around, make a sound for more Dumb People Town Thank you, Graham. Thanks, Graham. Walmart pulls children's toy that swears and sings in Polish about doing drugs. Did you hear about this story? No, I did not. This is up in Toronto. All right. That's your people up there. You boys know them real well. Oh, yeah.

You got it, bud. An Ontario grandmother bought an educational toy for her 15-month-old granddaughter who was shocked when the dancing cactus started swearing and singing about doing cocaine. Wow. So many different things. But also technically educational. In Polish. Yes, in Polish.

Nothing says Poland more than a cactus. Doing cocaine. Was the cactus dancing before it was doing the cocaine? No, it did a lot more. It got a really great idea to start dancing after the cocaine. We can make this a dance party. No reason why this can't be a dance

party right now. The cactus just won't. Cactus is telling other plants I'm really good at dancing. The cactus tries to go into business with them on something they've thought up. We should really market this whole thing. We should just sell my needles. How many people need needles

but you don't know where to get them, right? It's just people are like, we need cactus needles right now. I think about stuff. Yeah, I think about stuff all the time. You ever seen a baby pigeon? I think about all sorts of stuff. I left you a line on the toilet roll holder in the bathroom. Right. But you're going to need a decoder ring

and you have to go and buy this other kind of cactus. It's always too many steps. The cactus is like, seriously, I'm just putting it out there. Do you think that Chia Pet will have sex with me? I'm not saying it has to. I'm not trying to be a dick or be rude or anything. I was just saying it was looking at me and everyone is looking at me. I was catching a vibe. I don't know why I'm being

like, you're not giving it to me. I'm not yelling. I'm not yelling. You not yelling you're yelling i can go do laundry do you want a bike okay so okay this says here quote this toy uses swear words and talking about cocaine use anya tanner told ctv news toronto this is not what i ordered for my granddaughter it is what you ordered it's just not what you expected it's not what you wanted it not what I ordered for my granddaughter. It is what you ordered. It's just not what you expected. It's not what you wanted. It's what you ordered, and then it just got really real. I'm going to show you guys a picture.

We're going to screen share, and I will show you a picture of this cactus. We should be able to bring it up. We're going to try to. Look at this, guys. Oh, yeah. With the baby. Look how cute that baby is. But, like, the eyes.

Oh, my God, the eyes. Jackie, the eyes of that cactus. Don't worry, buddy. We got it. Those eyes are so coked out. It's ridiculous. They are super coked out. It looks like Mr. Burns when he was doing drugs on an episode of The Simpsons.

The cactus was sold on Walmart's website as an educational toy and sings in English, Spanish, and Polish. But Tanner, who is Polish, said when she listened to the Polish lyrics, the cactus was singing about doing cocaine, drug abuse, suicide, depression, and used profanities. Suicide. I know. There's a video online.

Oh, you found it? It's an online video of the thing swearing. It just so happens that I'm Polish, and when I started to listen to the songs, and I heard the words, she said I was in shock. I thought it was some kind of joke. I would say to her, it probably is some kind of joke. It's a hilarious joke.

Right, it's exactly a joke. It's probably the best joke that you've ever, like you're like, I can't believe this joke got pulled off. Yes. The song is by Polish rapper Sipsis, I think, who reportedly is unaware that his song is being used. His song is being used by the Chinese manufacturer of the children's toy. Oh, there we go.

Look at that. Look at it. That's scary. Terrifying. Tanner said, the cactus is talking about taking five grams of cocaine and being alone. It's a very depressing song. The Polish artist said he planned to take legal action against the Chinese company for using his song without permission.

Walmart told CTV News Toronto they take this customer concern seriously. That was a relief for Tanner who said, I just don't want anybody before Christmas to think this is a great toy and go online and have the same thing happen that happened to me. She just sold like 12,000 more. I know. Jackie Kayshun is getting this for her

Polish friend. Stefan Ziggurowicz is going to love this. I'll ask you guys this. How much does the cocaine cactus cost? Get our guests in. we'll close out the show here yes american dollars no thousand dollars you're right there probably is some sort of like black market for these things now on ebay going for a ton of money but the cost

as listed for what i found retail retail yeah yeah what do you jackie you can go first tig or third wherever you want i'm gonna go third okay go first i Tig, or third, wherever you want. I'm going to go third. Okay, Jay, go first. I'm going to say $26. $26. It's Walmart. I'm going to say $19.99. $19.99. Jackie?

I'm going to say $39.99. $39.99. I think it's expensive. One of you is exactly right. We'll get to close out this great episode with Jackie with the game, Who Do You Think Is Exactly Right?

You can stick to your guns. You can stick to yourself or you can go with somebody else. I gotta say me. Jackie says herself. I say me. Everyone's staying put. Before we close this out. You know why, Dan? You know why everyone's staying put? We got that cocaine cactus confidence. There you go.

There you go. Before I give this away, once again, you need to go check out Staycation and everything that Jackie is doing. And you should be following her and checking out her website to know that she's coming near you. If you're anywhere within driving distance or flying distance to Comedy on State, go to one of the best clubs in the country to see her there or anywhere else you can get to. We're looking at you, Annie S. Jumpman. Go see her. Sklar Brothers, Comedy Works, and everything else you guys have going on.

We have some fun stuff coming up for me, too. It's all at danielvankirk.com. Okay, ready? Yep. Ready. The total cost per the internet for the cocaine-depressed cactus bringing Christmas joy to kids all over the world is $26. Chase! Chase!

Yes! He nailed it. I went Randy in the 11th hour. Right as you were saying it, I was like, oh. Yeah, but Jackie, it's such a weird dollar amount. I don't know why I said $29.99. $39.99 and $19.99 is the way things are priced.

But the fact that Jay said $26 and got it right is just insane. It is insane. That's a show, friends. What a wonderful show. Jackie Cation, you know how much we love you and I hope it's evident to our fans. And we're so proud of you and I'm so excited about this special. Everybody go see it.

And oh shit, we gotta get back to work stick around make a sound talk your down, it's Dumb People Town.