Dumb People Town - Jade Catta-Preta - Death Becomes Him

Episode Date: December 1, 2020

This week Jade Catta-Preta comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a fun twist on a surprise party. The second story is about a who may love working out a bit too much. The final story is about a fun and "sexy" call to the fire department.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population. Cata, preta. Jade, cata, preta, porte. Cata, preta, porte. Cata, preta, poor taste. I like it. Welcome to the show.

Welcome to town. It's Dumb People Town. You trade in the dumbness of people's behavior. As the host of the soup, there is lots of dumb out there and you carve it up beautifully. I'm excited. I'm excited. Let's get dumb. Let's get dumb. Seriously. Let me ask you this because I ask all of our guests this and I'm curious to hear your thoughts. And I feel like,

again, you have a lot of insight in this, but do you think the world's getting dumber? Are we getting dumber? Are we just finding out or are we just exposed to more? Did we pull the carpet back on, on looking all the doubles? You know how there's like a middle class of people that are like, not too dumb, not too smart. That,

that middle part is just getting smaller and smaller. And so it's like, you're either, you either got it or you don't. There's no middle ground. And the don't is humongous now. It's just getting larger. Like after the election,

I just, I can't believe we're on the road with these people. I mean, insanity, insanity. It's craziness. And I just think like, thank God it's there because then that gives our show material every week. Yeah. We need them for us.

I mean, if there weren't dumb people out there, who would we made fun of ourselves? Like we don't want the fuel for the comedy machine. We don't want the world to solve all its problems, but let's just solve the big ones. It's like in Back to the Future, the end of Back to the Future when he starts going through the garbage to feed Mr. Fusion so that the

flux capacitor can start fluxing. We don't need dumb people. No, no. Where we're going, we need dumb people. We're just putting them in. The dumber you are, the dumber you are. This is how you feed things. I like that.

From the top down. It's a top down thing. Well, let's jump into a story because we have you right here. And I'm so excited. Daniel, let's jump in. You ready for this? Yeah. This is sent in by Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen.

This is a gal who sends a lot of stuff in. We love her. Crushes it. I'm going to read you this headline because I love it. Okay. The great thing is too, Jade, I feel like a lot, maybe at least two out of these three stories we're going to do today are totally things I could see you crushing on the suit.

Here we go. Oh, shit. Okay. Man arrives at his birthday party to find boyfriend has thrown him surprise funeral. This is his birthday is it a funeral themed birthday party because if so that's kind of cool it's is it like death becomes her or is it like fully death becomes him it's his funeral he says here in the article kill him dan is this like your idea to do your tv show i I know. Ryan Sickler and I had the show

called Living Wake. Yes. Isn't that a great idea? It's a great idea. You hear what your friends think about you. That's right. And I was like, we would just have a night where everybody goes up and just says everything they've ever said, whether it's funny or cutting

or mean in a loving way. Do they do it in the past tense, even though they're still there? and the person has to be there on stage and it's almost like uh in that scene in the wire when you retire yeah i loved her she was so great yeah she was she could improvise so well i mean i'll i'll never forget all the times we used to on set improvise together the great thing is if you had somebody's like a friend they'd had a falling out with it is all in the past tense it is true that. Okay. I feel like it's healthy to hear what your friends think about you,

but I like, I actually threw a Dexter party once and I thought that my, everybody showed up and everything was covered in plastic. Oh, like someone go get cut. That's great. We're going to get chopped. I love a good theme party.

So have you guys ever been to an anything but clothes party in college? What is that? You have to wear something. But it can't be clothes. So people in burlap sacks. People in trash bags. They make clothes out of like... Hot dogs stuck to their breasts. Beer cases, like cardboard from a bush light.

Anything you want. It's like the worst challenge ever on Project Runway. I always wanted to do a... I always wanted to do a theme i was under a theme party called never been cooler and everybody has to come at some chapter in their life where they thought they looked the coolest oh yeah that they now hate so i think you show up in a diaper i mean hey you thought you were cool and you're like dude from when you were a baby no last week you know there'd be guys showing up in like JNCOs and like... So along these lines, I think that it's easy to tell how old like an old guy is by backdating

what clothes he's wearing to the point when they were cool. So if you see a guy in like small penny loafers that have the little tassel on them, you're like, that was about 83, 84. That's the last time. So let's add 30. And you were probably 40 then. It's like slicing a tree in half. You count the rings.

If you see a guy who shows up in like a Bugle Boy button up, he was cool from Kohl's in like 1994. No, but you know what? That's coming back now. I know it is. It's so stylish. So you got to find the original. Like who's wearing Tommy Hilfiger from 1994?

Somebody showed up in like a big Johnson t-shirt. They were the tits in 1997. FUBU jersey. I was into like the guy with this piercing. Oh, for sure. Like that got zoops. Yeah, he would sneak me into clubs like in his jeans. His leg was so wide you could slide and you could just hang on to the chain to the chain wallet just hang on yeah yeah i actually had to wear a bud light box for a bud light commercial

that i was cut out of uh first they were like yeah i'm trying to find the picture first they were like you're gonna be a shark and i was like is my face gonna be covered so i called my agent you know and then and they're like no you're gonna be in a bikini i was like oh well and they're like never mind bud light box and i was like oh i'll send it to you guys send it send it we'll put it on the facebook page jake had a pretty box it's this comes from the mirror and it says when we think of birthday parties we might imagine bright colored streamers cake and lots of fun and games but when one man arrived at a celebration to mark his 33rd year of living, Jesus Christ, if you're nasty, this was not what greeted him.

Instead, Eli McCann found himself walking into his very own funeral. I'm going to show you guys a picture from this. So I'm assuming there was a picture up of him, like an in memoriam. By the way, this is genius. Look at you crushing it. Oh my. He's got a picture of him when he was memoriam by the way this is genius crushing it oh my god a candle a picture of him when he was little an altar no wait i have a problem with this you can't iron you can't iron

the sheet give it a little you can't give it that's a fresh you can't even steam it out that's your buddy's funeral i bet this dude was gonna put on a fitted sheet and you're like no that would be great if you went all to this extent to do this crazy morbid party for your boyfriend and he was like, the sheet is fucking... I would have said something. Jade, you would have been like, come on, iron the sheet. I'm the ghost that's like, iron me.

The iron sheet is my favorite wrestling. Yeah, me too. Iron the sheet to me is like you saying to your partner that they don't follow details enough come on that's what i feel come on honey iron the sheet on this one like if your boy if he does yeah go ahead they're not even gonna put the right jewelry on you when you're in the casket this is why i want to be i want to be burned and i want to be made into jewelry or into pills that my friends have to

take with oh my god i want a jade pill. I like the people that take, when somebody gets cremated, then they take the ashes and they put it into a tattoo. I always thought that was cool. Yeah, that's cool too. You get an infection, but it's like so worth it. It's really worth it. Eli McCann found himself walking into his very own funeral.

His boyfriend, who is the perfect name for someone who will make a funeral out of a birthday party. Skylar Westerdahl. skylar westerdahl skylar westerdahl skylar westerdahl throws a fucking party skylar westerdahl is like a it's like a line of clothing and so have you tried the skylar westerdahl at lane no i haven't also that's the guy i lost my virginity to skylar westerdahl you did it with skylar esterdahl under the table oh my god skylar westerdahl is also like if you were an improv 101 do you know that yeah if you're an improv 101 and they're like welcome to this umbrella store what's your name and you're like i'm skylar westerdahl the teacher's like stop stop you gotta it can't be that crazy it's those movies you know where you see like a map and it's like West and then you see a doll.

A doll. A Westerdoll. Skylar Westerdoll. Wait, Skylar Westerdoll sounds like an American doll offshoot. It's American boys who wants to be girls. That's right.

That's right. Go for it. His boyfriend Skylar Westerdoll, who is now his girls. That's right. That's right. Go for it. His boyfriend, Skylar Westerdahl, who is now his husband, had come up with the quirky idea. I don't want to take your name. Had come up with the quirky idea to throw him a funeral because he felt that people

shouldn't have to die in order to hear their friends say why they love them. Dan, this is your show! I know. Skylar decorated a friend's house for the occasion, creating a fake casket made out of an ironing board and

pillows. Sheet un- Sheet un-ironed. Dude, you had the ironing board. You could iron the sheet and then put it over the pillow. He also hung up photos of Eli around the place and arranged for all of the guests to dress in black. This is a great idea. This is also like a long pitch.

Hey, you know we're going to do that party for you, like, yes. I'm coming. I need you to do a couple of things. What? I just thought I was going to show up with a bottle of wine. Wear black and write a eulogy. I hate to do parties, though. I want to bring a bottle of wine that's already at my house. No, you have to learn the words

to win beneath your wings. No. Which you should already know. Can I just do candle in the wind no no you have to do we had to win beneath the wings to make things even more realistic skyler also instructed people to ignore eli during the funeral as if he were actually dead this could be some blow like backdoor shade this is the plot to the movie ghost too which we've always said and we've said this on the show, we want to remake Ghost with Patrick Swayze today. Cast Patrick Swayze,

and only Whoopi Goldberg can hear him. She can only, she's the only one who can hear him on set. Is he on set? I think he is. Thank you, Whoopi. I love it. Guys, I think he's here.

Guys, let's shoot quick, while before the spirit leaves. Everyone back to one. Swayze flying in, literally in? Literally you in danger girl. The guy's like just trying to Mike him like I don't know where he is. We'll boom it. We'll boom it. We'll boom it. So everybody had to ignore him, right? This left Eli to pretend he was a ghost secretly watching over

the proceedings. I'm sorry, I'm just laughing. I'm just laughing at Jade's sound woman who's trying to boom it. We'll boom it! We'll boom it! Moving, moving. Get it from down low. You're in frame. Get it from down low. Second team out. Second team out.

Wait, so the entire night he's ignored. He tries to eat the last piece of cake. They're like, no, I'm sorry. The lawyer who lives in Salt Lake City, Utah, said that his partner's creativity left him, quote unquote, speechless. Yeah. Speaking to the Mirror Online, he recalled the bizarre day in 2017. So this was all back when everybody could get together for a fake funeral.

That's right. Saying he told me we were going to a nice dinner. So we needed to dress up 20 minutes later. We arrived at a friend's house where I could see that all the windows were blacked out with curtains. Now you could be this could be a Dexter scenario. Why are we going into this house? It's completely blacked out.

Also could be a rave, which I thought was odd. He said we needed to stop inside and say hello. So I got out of the car. As soon as we walked in, I saw about 15 of my friends all dressed in black, sitting in chairs, pretending to softly cry. Which means they didn't care too much about the thought of losing him. Right. Exactly. These are lawyers.

They're not actors. It's very true. Very true. I'm going to show you guys. This is the setup that they had for it. I can't wait to see. Right here. Oh, my God. They went all out.

So chairs, couches, there's pictures of him. I'm sorry. Where are they partying? Like are people, is there a room? I imagine they cleared the chairs out. It's a tight setup. It is a tight setup. Yeah. You guys, this is such, this is a lawyer's apartment. Like look at what it's come to.

Step it up. Step it up. I guess, you know. Jake, can you see in the right corner? Maybe he just does pro bono bono or on the right side that dog that isn't having any of this dog this dog's like you guys done with this shit also that's like a tiny coffin that is a tiny it's a baby maybe in the pretend funeral he died as a boy they're going all the way back with it all right so let me pull this back up call me closer my husband immediately took a seat and a friend in a priestly attire stood and welcomed everyone to my funeral they all pretended they couldn't see or hear me through the entire service after i realized they were ignoring me i just sat on one of the chairs

and watched the service it was so charming and funny and me, I just sat on one of the chairs and watched the service. It was so charming and funny and morbid, and I loved every second of it. Okay. This is when you know your partner. Someone's getting laid tonight. Necrophilia. No, they're having that Dan Aykroyd ghost sex. They're having sex, and he's like, oh, yeah, I like that.

He's like, don't talk. You're dead. You're dead. Whoa. Someone in my life tonight. He's like, don't talk. You're dead. You're dead. You're like, whoa. We're doing this now. Someone in my life tonight should be there with you too. Have you guys seen that new Nicole Kidman show? No. I haven't started it.

I'm starting at this. Oh, it's so good. I know. Don't tell me anything. I can't wait. I can't wait. Well, you'll have a little laugh moment. Okay. Now that we've done this.

Okay. He says, after I realized they're ignoring me, I sat in one of the chairs. The funeral service lasted about 30 this. Okay. He says, after I realized they're ignoring me, I sat in one of the chairs. The funeral service lasted about 30 minutes and features a slideshow of photos set to the Bette Midler music Wind Beneath My Wings. I swear to God,

I didn't remember I remembered, but I must have remembered. It's implanted in your brain. You aren't lying to people when you say I barely remember these. I did not remember those. I know. But I must have remembered.

Dan cursively goes through this. Also, that's the perfect funeral song. Perfect. and one more day okay there uh were also a reading of an obituary written by his colleague meg walter and his mother had helped make a program imagine calling her okay so your son's dad not really he's not dead we're gonna pretend that he's the breath i've got some bad news and some good news following the service there was a regular party where people stopped pretending they couldn't see Eli.

That was fun. Welcome, Connor. Welcome back. It was so perfect, he said. My husband is always thoughtful like this. Last year, he surprised me with skydiving on my birthday. Maybe this husband wants to keep... He's trying to kill him. Yes. He's giving you subtle hints. He's Skyler diving. Skyler, he's

westerfalling. Guys, look. Last year, the skydiving death didn't happen, but we're proceeding with the funeral service this year. Pretend like it did. He said it was absolutely terrifying. Here's the bad news. His chute opened. This is where this next sentence is where I'm starting to feel like Skyler.

I love that Skyler and Eli have their love, but Skyler might be a little exhausting. Right. Yeah. He says, uh, last year when skydiving was absolutely terrifying. He has created elaborate scavenger hunts all over the city for our

Christmas gifts. I'd be like, I love that. I'd be like, you don't like that. At a certain level, I'd be like, just let's just enjoy each other.

Can we just sit on the couch? No, no, maybe because their lives are so boring. That could be a good call. As a lawyer, like, you know,

I, I feel like it's like every day should be like an escape room. Also, as long as they love it, who gives a shit what I, maybe it is. He wakes up and he's in like a saw contraption. Now look,

babe, he's like, honey, have you seen my keys? He's like, here are some questions. All of a sudden sudden like a baby crib slides in just starts rocking

like what yeah I don't know it's morbid of me but I just want Ashton Kutcher to show up at that party with a machine gun just like because you're all it's blanks guys he owed it you're punked we'll get out of here on this he added he brings in the red haired guy from Scientology who's

that guy who did all that bad stuff no from uh that 70s show oh what's his name bad guy that was a bummer that guy that guy danny danny masters and he shows up with danny masters and everyone's like okay party's over he's done that's the end of it yeah but it's a game it's gay men so it's just dudes so it's fine uh he, he's creative and delightful. And honestly, I can't believe I ever got so lucky to meet him. Dude, I love these two loving each other. I love this story. I love these guys.

I think it is exciting. You are in a newish relationship. I don't want to get too deep into it, but are you still at the point where you guys are doing fun stuff like that for each other? Oh yeah. It's still, it's, I mean, it hasn't even been a year and it's COVID, you know, so we have to get creative with like what we did, you know what I mean? And how did you guys meet? I know you talked about it on stage a little bit. He was on a reality show and I made fun of him on the suit.

Oh my God. That's great. That's modern romance. You took your best shot and he came back for more. One of my, one of my writers, one of my researchers comes into the room and she's like oh my god i'm gonna pitch this but you're gonna want to fuck him honestly this is fun and i so i so like the video gets pitched and he's just like being an idiot you know he did what the producers told him to do and then uh and then uh i'm pitching all these jokes like but it's still fucking right

and they're like jade that's not we're not gonna no you know um so we made fun of his armpit hair or something um and then it worked out love love at first armpit joke did he how did he respond to the follow you what did he do like i actually wasn't running my social media at the time so i didn't know that he had written anything but he reached out on twitter and said something about you know like if the host is looking for like a weird looking villain disney villain i'm interested kind of a thing again so that is great so he got the joke loved it played along happy to be roasted and you're like all right that's a good you pass you pass test number one that's amazing yeah he's just so attractive i literally i felt like he was just like catfishing me the entire time i still sometimes

seeing him in the room like somebody else is going to jump out ahead of you. It's going to be like a Canadian woman whose mom is in hospice. Yeah, but I like, I like, I like like adventurous dates and stuff like that. I like, I'm like, I'm dorky. I like that stuff. So plan his funeral. Please.

For his birthday. I might. We just gave you, we just gave you an idea. Yeah. Is that first story down in the books? First story down in the books. We're going to take a quick little break. Jade Catapretta is with us. I'm so happy she's here. We'll talk about the good stuff she's got going

on right after this break. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We want to mention a couple things before we get into some Jade Cata Preda info. We've got a, a live dump people town. Everyone who went came to the last one. Oh my God. God bless you.

It was so much fun. John Hamm, the band tennis. It was amazing. The next one is the 12th, the 12th, 12, 12 on December 12th. We've got the dollop, the guys from the dollop, Dave Anthony and Gareth Reynolds, two of the funniest guys in podcasting. I love Garrett and the world. They're so good. And,

and so it's going to be dollop people town. It's your holiday Christmas party. Holiday Christmas. Right. Come to us. And, and Mac lethal is the musical guest. So it's the best.

He's an unbelievable rapper from Kansas city. It's going to be such a great show. Tickets are available at eventbrite.com. Look up live. And they're going, they're really starting to take off. It's interesting because they're going in a different way. It's like a real steady flow.

So get your tickets now because you don't want to get shut out. We were able to release on maybe 30 tickets last time. And that was only because they told us we could at the very last minute. And we sold out all of all those. So anybody that's like, Oh, I'll wait till the last minute. That's not going to work either.

Just do it. Do it. We want to be your office oh, I'll wait till the last minute. That's not going to work either. Just do it. Do it. We want to be your office Christmas party. Where is it? It's at Nowhere Comedy Club. Have you done a standup show there? You should absolutely. No, not yet.

You should absolutely do it. It is a great place to do a standup show. And we've done those before, but we did the podcast. Smart and safe. And then I want to remind everybody I'm doing bingo on the 20th. So feel free to come by and play bingo with me.

Raise money for charity. What's that? I want to do that. I would love to have by and play bingo with me. Raise money for charity. I want to do that. I would love to have you call in and call numbers. These guys have done it. So I literally do bingo. We raise money for charity. Any person who wins gets to pick a no kill shelter or a boys and girls club or the food bank in their city.

And then money goes to their city. Plus they are no, I'm hoping. Yeah. God, that'd be so we did a Halloween one. It was completely like everybody dressed up. Chris Sullivanllivan's gonna come by for this one his album drops the day before so you'll get to hang out with him from this is us i did money for charity

it's so much fun i love bingo yeah we just dan and i just did comedy about numbers yeah that was it it was like you should just literally you zoom in for five minutes call five numbers say hi to everybody see if anyone wants bingo. I'll get you up. Live pen pals on the 28th with Rory and I. You can mail that at danielvankirk.com. All right, so Jade, first of all, can we congratulate you like officially that,

I mean, I know you got it a while ago, but hosting the soup, I think it's a perfect, they were so lucky to get you. Oh, thanks guys. You're killing it on the show. It's right in your wheelhouse. Cause you know what I really stayed? It's the vibe.

It's like somebody who can like make it really, really fun with a really positive energy without like hurting anybody or like being, being like pointedly mean, but still being able to point out people's blind spots and be like, what were you doing here? Which is what we also do at this show, but you're just perfect.

There's love in it. You can tell. I want it. Yeah. Cause I don't like that feeling when like, sorry, sorry, Tosh. I just, it's like, I don't like that feeling where it's like, Oh, like that gross, like you don't have to be mean to be funny. You really don't. You really don't. It's like, I wanted to bring that. It's why we love roasting roasting so fun. And it's at its best when you know, there's love behind it. It's like, you know this person so well. I have thin skin. That's really why I can't really be mean because I can't take it.

I'm like, you're fat. And then they're like, you're ugly. I'm like, what? Like, I can't even. I know, I got it. There's whatever they say at me, like I can't handle it, so. It just did to me.

You remember the show Millionaire Matchmaker? Of course you do. Of course. Of course you do. Of course you do. So there was, I just remember in a scene where like patty stanger who is the millionaire matchmaker would like look at a group of women you're ugly your tits are too small you're fat you're fat you're dumb you have a horse face you're awful

and then said that to some woman and basically the woman was in tears almost and the woman was like well aren't you not married like not even a rip back not even a rip just aren't you not married to patty stanger and she patty stanger like starts crying but my story has nothing to do with this and i'm like don't be mean to people she hardly like zinged you back but she carved you up like i love those lineups those are my favorite where she's like what are you doing she's like i'm a receptionist no you're not you're a teacher are you willing to shave your entire head and get boobs yes are you willing

to stick your head underground for the next three weeks yes yeah I think after Melania people are more scared about millionaires now yeah I agree so true well it is amazing and I just love that it's you know, that again, you're connected to it because Jay and I, obviously we know you from doing standup at the store and whatnot, but like, I'd say some of the most fun we had was on the, those who can't

set with you, uh, the, our wonderful friends, Adam, Kate and Holland, Ben Roy and Andrew Orvidal, their amazing show, which encouraged, like it encouraged what we love the most, which is you do the lines and you do it the way it's supposed to be done. And then you can have fun with it in a certain way. And I always loved everything you did. I just remember we had a wonderful day where like, we had a scene after you, where we were in the car and you were the scene right before us. And Jay and I were just sitting in video village and I'm like, every single thing she's coming up with is great. And it's different every time. And she's hitting all of her other marks.

How cool was it to work with Bobcat? The best. It's so funny when he'd be like, cut. I mean, action. He was so good. And I felt like he gave us as, as actors, everybody who was a part of it, everything we needed. He was so like, yeah, man, keep doing more of that. Like keep.

I like, yeah. I miss that environment. It's so rare that you kind of get to be like that on set. Cause I do so many of these sick, like you guys do the same thing where you're like, I'm just such a minor part in like American housewife, for example, like I don't even dare to, to even, it doesn't even feel like it's like kind of allowed, you know? So I get very nervous about like, so it was nice to be so free.

Yeah. You are so, so good. And I was like, Oh my God, Jay and I just, you were like, Oh, this girl's fantastic. And God, I need that vehicle where I can be like that. You guys are lucky. I feel like I, um, even on the soup, like there was a lot, it was very strict, um, very network heavy. Okay. Um, so I think hopefully if we get a second season, I get to be a little more loose.

I think that they should, I'm going to put that energy out into the world because it can handle it. It's what you do well. And, and so people, people can watch soup and watch old episodes of the soup by doing, they can go to NBC.com. They're still all up there and they're actually playing in Brazil right now,

which is Brazilian wax. It's a trip. It's a trip. So cool. And people can follow you on Twitter and Instagram. You actually have a great Instagram. It's barely use Twitter. I am a horrible comic.

Um, I am on Instagram at Jade catapretta at Jacob. Great. Jake. Follow her there and watch her when she does stand up and let's jump into a second are you ready yes by la assassina love her and you got it right dan nope dan assessing don't do it don't get it wrong you got it right is it assassina like assassinada she's our friend in new york uh ready for this headline firefighters issue warning after man gets penis stuck in gym weights what is that p90x let

me that is that was gonna say like this weight this weight that thing we're gonna get into it i get someone spotting someone but when your dick starts spotting because it's in between two ways that's not that he was on the edictical machine this. You know, girthy dicks are all the rage. Pump it up. Pump it up. Get yourself a little beer can. Now, I'm not too sure. This is what it says here. I'm not too sure at what point you sit in a gym, see the hole

in the weights, and think, yes, I'll stick my penis in that. But it happened. Okay, so this is like the X-rated version of that old show I used to watch when we were kids. Emergency? Okay, so this is like the X-rated version of that old show I used to watch when we were kids. I cannot wait to hear the end of that sentence. Okay, emergency.

Emergency 911. Yes. That one? The emergency show where like these guys, like firefighters would see like a kid. They're EMTs. They're EMTs, but they would see like a kid trapped in a sewer. And you're like, how the hell did the kid get there? But it was so real. And I just remember one, there was a kid whose head was stuck between two bars

of a staircase, like the railing of a staircase. His head was in there. I was like, why? This kid is so stupid. This is the X-rated version. Of course. Also, you guys ever watch, like, True Stories of the ER? You ever see that show? I love that shit. I used to do reenactments for those.

Jade, tell them it is the wildest, dumbest, most base level. Sometimes they let the real doctors be in the reenactments. And then everybody comes in and they tell these crazy-ass

stories and it's played for the most dramatic of thoughts. I think it's bullshit that doctors get to act. Give it to them. Let us have the reenactment. Thank you. Give us that. I play one on TV. That needs to be a thing. It says here that the gentleman, I'm being nice, used heavy weights,

the kind that are used for squats and deadlifts and bench pressing. So 45 plates. 45 pound plates. Yeah. I don't know if it was that big of a weight. I don't think it was. I don't remember. And stuck it in and couldn't get it was uh in my i don't remember stuck it in and put my dick but how did it not come up i there's a lot of you got some explain you gotta put some cold water on it right uh they are not they are not for thinking the hole in the middle which is used to slide onto

the metal bars is a substitute for another sort of hole. Glory, baby. Make them gains. However, firefighters were called to a gym in Germany. This isn't a person's public private house. A gym in Germany. Where a man had placed... I put my Wienerschnitzel inside your head. I had to put my

Wienerschnitzel in the hole. You imagine me and the other person, man or woman, who's like, you mind if I work in on this? You need a spot. I'll do it for you. Just imagine Flula just making fun of Flula Borg. Yes. You need a spot. Placed his penis in the hole and later

realized he couldn't remove it. How long later? Wouldn't you realize within seconds? Dan, he did it and then he got a phone call. And then he's one of those people at the gym? That's worse than the people putting their penis in the belly on the phone. No, he's trying to take a photo. He's trying to take a photo.

He's like, you know? Look at this. Lifting with my dick. Just doing sets. Just doing reps. Super sets. Firefighters were called to the gym in Germany when a man had placed his penis in the hole. I realized he couldn't move it.

I don't know why they said that twice. These are stupor sets. These are Catholic preacher curls. Firefighter. Dick ups. Dick ups. In the city of worms, but I imagine it's probably pronounced worms, posted a picture of the weight after they smashed it and spent how long trying to slice it free of the penis?

Oh my God. How long do you think it took firefighters to get this dick out of the way? Okay, so Jade, you are a guest. You can guess first. You can guess in between me and Jason or you can guess third. I feel like it took like a whole hour. Okay. One hour. Jay, what do you think? Three

hours. Three hours. I think it took. Wait, do we get a dick if we win? You get a dick. You get a weight. You get a dig and a wait. I'll do two hours. Two hours. Okay. One of you is exactly right.

Okay, so now we get to play. Which one of you do you think is right? Jade, do you think it's you, Randy, or Jason? I feel like because you looked at Jason the longest... There's no tell. Dan has no tells. We've done this. I think it's like an absurd amount of time Three?

I think I'm right with three I think it's two, I'm going to stay with me Okay, the total amount of time That it took Fireman To get that dick Out of the way Was three hours Three hours! You guys! You guys! dick out of the weight was three hours you guys i just knew man not that i've had that experience

but i know just by the way it's a long three hours that's a lot of small talk you gotta make with german firefighters you never see women sticking random objects in their vaginas and firemen coming up well we don't i don't dump. We did that story every year. What did we get stuck inside of us? And it's always something crazy in a vagina. This guy puts the dumb in dumbbells. So, three hours. So, the first half of The Irishman. Yes.

Probably why he didn't realize it until later. He was watching that. I don't understand how I was stuck. I know. It had to be. I don't get it. This is what I think. A really small hole. He put it into the hole.

He then got an erection. And then. And then much like an enormous cock ring, it trapped the blood on the other side. That's right. And he couldn't get it out. Couldn't pull it out. That's my best completely uninformed guess. And he's thinking of everything.

But then isn't there any way. Yeah. I'm like thinking of grandma. Like nothing. Nothing. You gotta throw mama from the train. You gotta throw everything. He's isn't there any way, yeah, I'm like thinking of grandma, like nothing, nothing being to go down. You gotta throw mama from the train. You gotta throw everything.

He's gay, so every time a firefighter comes up, he just gets hurt. These are the worst people. Every time. Yeah. Oh, God. Firefighter's like, let me take off my shirt so I can really get in there.

No! No! Man was taken to the hospital on Friday morning. Three more firefighters come in, and it's like January, February, and March of the fireman calendar and then just the weight explodes. Explodes. It's like a little advent calendar. He was

with the weight still attached and the doctors were unable to free him from the metal plate at first. After being sedated, firefighters used angle grinders, a saw. Angle grinder is, by the way, the website that he goes on to. I go on to angle grinder. I go to angle grinder. It's the very way

where I... It's something about weights. It's a German grinder site. It's a site where I meet all kinds of architects. It's angle grinder. They use angle grinders, a saw, and a hydraulic rescue device to break the weight. And like after two and a half hours, they're like, you're going to have to start wearing

hair on pants. Also, you're going to dress like MC Hammer for a year. Also, after three and a half hours, they're like, you're going to have to start wearing hair on pants. Also, you're going to dress like MC Hammer. Also, after three hours, as they work on this weight, you get to know these firemen. I'm saying there's like a lot of small talk. So what do you do?

I just feel bad for the guy who's looking for that 45. Yeah, exactly. He has no idea. He's like, people put your weights back. Put your weights back. Writing on Facebook, the fire service

said, please do not imitate such actions. I'm going to now show you guys a photo of the dude in the weight. By the way, fans of this show, you can now... Oh my God. I mean, they had to break it. Oh my God.

The hole was small, though. The hole is small, the weight is large, and the river is wide. The shame is deep. The shame goes deep. The hole is very deep. The weight is large, the shame is deep. Do you think that after it was all done, he still goes to the gym and sees holes and is like, no! No.

He has to stop himself. He's got to fight the urge. Or he's like, do I have three hours to kill? Yeah. What am I doing fight the urge. Or he's like, do I have three hours to kill? Yeah. Is it worth it? What am I doing for the next three hours? Or maybe that's what gets him off is being in trouble and having people save him. It's certainly an odd injury and can be filed under weird gym injuries for, I guess, anybody

who's making a file. I call that a weird gym fail. Reddit users. I always love when these guys get involved. Oh, they wait in. Contributed to a thread detailing further bizarre happenings in a gym. One person wrote wrote this is a person on reddit. Yeah, I'm

personal trainer here. I saw a guy doing squat thrusts and had a hernia in the middle of it. You could see a big bubble popping out of his abdomen that normally be gross except for how the guy responded. He kind of looked at it in shock, pressed it back in and said, stay the fuck in there.

That's like Rambo. That's going to be a great father. I'll tell you that much. Walk it off. Yeah, I understand. It's broken three places. Stay the fuck in the car. Thanks to Dan.

I'm now watching the show alone. I know Randy. I watch alone on Netflix, which is they drop. Okay, so they take the jail would be perfect for the suit. I'm writing it down. They take people at people who are like are... It's like naked and afraid. It's like naked and afraid. But not naked. But they're not naked.

They're emotionally naked. And instead of like 21 days of naked and afraid, 10 people go out to 10 different areas in like Vancouver Island or the Arctic. And then you have to be all by yourself and the last person standing wins $500,000. And you go for like 100 days. But you never know if eight people are left

or it's only you and one other person left and it's not called surviving and they win five hundred dollars and so you have a walkie talkie that like when you're ready to give up you just they say you officially tap out and then a boat comes and picks you up so i'm at episode seven love and at the end of episode seven i just picked up my phone and said i'm officially tapped out and then a boat just came to my house you'll say this there's a reason it's not called surviving a lot of them can survive a lot of them can survive alone because that's where it gets you so my thing that i do with my wife and this is my favorite bit that i'm now doing that i did it so much that she just had to start joining in the bit is that i pretend while we're watching alone

to be a Canadian guy watching alone, just describing everything that just happened to my wife as being bad. He got, he should have, should have caught that fish aim, fell off the line there. And she's like, and so, and she would not answer me for the longest time. I was like, shouldn't eat that muskrat aim. We got to cook it up a little bit better there. It's going to cause his stomach problem. And finally, after a while, she, she just is sitting there for so long and i'm like i should learn how to make a should have brought a fire stick i like all these things i'm saying and then finally my wife is just sitting there she's like yeah yeah i was like yeah i love when we inflict our disease

on other people she can't take a poop aim hasn't pooped for 15 days. Nope. Nope. Nope. Yeah. Yeah. It looks like it's going to get cold in about an hour. Getting cold in the Arctic game. You got to watch out for that Wolverine. Just sniffing around the meat. And she's like,

yeah, I can't wait till your Amazon cart. I can't wait to watch. I mean, Alaskan Bush people was like, yeah, everything we made. This is so, it's so good.

And Dan is right. It's all about how you get pushed emotionally and mentally. And so- Wait, it's when they leave people, right? It's when they leave people alone. You just let them, right? And you're left, you get 10 things in your backpack and then it's like, go get them.

I saw one episode where the guy killed a squirrel with a rock. Yeah, that's it. He's like, I'm gonna kill that squirrel with a rock. And we're like, no way. And he fucking does it. He did it. It's crazy. And it's, and the mistake- I killed a squirrel with a rock. Rock. I'm sorry. I put my dick kill that squirrel with a rock. And we're like, no way. And he fucking does it. It's crazy. And it's, and the mistake.

I killed a squirrel with a rock. I'm sorry. I put my dick in a squirrel. Don't do that. I put my dick in a fox. Great joke, Jade. That was a great joke, Jade. That was so good.

You got the good. You got the good. That is, that is, that is soup level comedy right there. We'll get those out of here on this. In a separate yet similar thread, one person on Reddit said that I fell off the treadmill because I missed a step,

slammed my chin into the belt of the treadmill and got an uppercut from hell, just walked away and left because I was so embarrassed. Jaw hurt for weeks. Yeah, that's where you leave like your phone in the gym and you're just like, I will no longer

come back. I might move. Call AT&T and tell them I don't have a phone. There's so many questions for me still. Where did the fetish come from? Who hurt you? How long was he eyeballing? Does your girlfriend have to have a weight in the room for you to get a heart on?

How long was he thinking about it, right? Because all serial killers start out with, like, animals. What was his, like, what was his, like, shampoo bottle move up to this? And he's talking to us. He's like, no one at this gym is going to care. So what? I fuck away. Yeah, big deal. So what? I'll go over in the corner. As long as I'm in front of a mirror, that's

all I care about. Nobody plays with these ropes anyway. I'll just be over here. That is crazy. Yeah. And now you think about how many, how much dick residue is at a gym. I didn't think about that before. Don't run your finger around the center of those weights. Around the rim. Don't do it.

That is story two. Can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear in story three, Dan? We have a woman calling 911 for a crazy and vulgar reason. Okay, so 911, call on the other side. It's a short story jade catapretta is with us don't go anywhere stick around make us down for more don't people town hey guys welcome back to the show uh all right dan take us home all right here we go ready sent

in by la estesina oh i love it you got it right again at la assassina mma she's the best an ohio woman called nine one one so you know it's gonna get wild yeah late saturday evening to report that her quote pussy was on fire and that she she needed someone from the fire department to quote put it out with their hose according to an arrest report do you even set you have to send the beginning of every porno right right it's like that you like it was it me that's the beginning

of every caught is it caught up kata preda wow what you know what but why was it on fire well after placing that emergency call, Katrina Morgan... She put Takis up there.

Which sounds like it could be her adult performer name. Katrina Morgan. I feel like that's kind of rude to name a child after that. I know. Especially given what happened. After placing that emergency call, Katrina Morgan hung up the phone. When a police dispatcher called her back,

Morgan reiterated that she required first responders to come put her pussy out because it was on fire. I love that she's emphatically like, what do you guys not understand about this? Guys, I'm on fire and someone needs to put me

out. Come get over here. I feel like stop, drop, and roll. That's right. Stop, drop, and that's right stop drop drop and sit on a popsicle so she gets her with morgan when the cops got there after they arrived she appeared highly intoxicated oh who's here to do it who's gonna ring the bell who's who's got a fire hydrant and wants to shoot me across the street with it okay Okay. Yeah, a lot of that. Okay. All right. Okay.

Let's sit down over here on the porch. Like, how many times did they say ma'am in a row? Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am. Katrina.

I'm fine. You got to kiss me first. I'm fine. Was she a redhead? She's red down there. When cops arrived at her house in Port Clinton, city on Lake Erie Morgan smelled the booze And was having trouble Walking and slurring her speech

Yeah That's right It actually says here In the article No pussies of any type Were found ablaze Inside the residence Wait

Who was the person Who called someone else Fire crotch And that was like a big deal Did someone call someone Fire crotch Oh yeah Yeah

It's like ringing Kind of a little bit Of a bell for me, too. Yeah, there was like the first sort of- Some political thing? No, it was a beef between two pop-cultury people. Really? Someone called someone-

Oh, yeah. It sounds familiar to me, too. Like Lindsay Lohan called her firecratch, and then she got mad. Who's the guy from NCIS Miami? Mark Harmon? David Caruso. I would call that guy- That's CSI Miami.

CSI. I would call that guy firecratch. Yeah. Yeah David Caruso. I would call that guy. That's CSI Miami. CSI. I would call that guy firecrouch. Yeah. Yeah. I know. I love him. I love him. After struggling with officers, I hope emotionally and physically.

What do you mean? You're not going to help me out. Get that hose over here. That line could have been after struggling in her life. Yeah. After struggling, period. Morgan was cuffed and placed in the rear of a police cruiser. She was booked in the Ottawa County Jail on multiple counts,

including disrupting public service, a felony, and making false alarms and resisting arrest. Both. Only you can prevent fire. Here's the thing. If you yell fire in a crowded theater, that is against law. If you yell fire in a crowded vagina, does that rise to the level of it's problematic okay okay

i'm gonna show you guys a photo of her and then we're gonna play a round of guess the age okay it's so fun for katrina morgan you know when i show you the picture first things can be deceiving how old do you think oh no she's so sad sad eyes well she didn't get laid. Burned up that crotch. How old is Katrina? How old is Katrina? This is so deceiving. She could be 27. She could be 47.

I'm just trying to read the rings, you know? Yeah, read the rings. Cut her in half. Read the rings. She's lord of the rings. I need to marinate on this a little. Hold on. Jason, you go first, and we'll let Jade think about it first.

I think she's 28. Okay. 28 years old. 28. Jesus. She looks like she's 38. Going on 42. Yeah, Jade, what do you think?

Randy? No, she's got grays. So, yeah, I'm going to say 42. That's the sweet age. 42 years old. I'm going to say. That's when your pussy's really on fire. That is right.

Hey, she's in. This pussy's on fire. Fire. I put my dick in a fox. I put my dick in a fire. Okay. I put my dick in a fire fox. I put it on fire.

Firebox. I would say she's 47. 47 years old. I think she's up there. Okay, let's run it back. Randy says 47. Jade says 42. And I said 28. We'll get out of here on this one. Now I think older's up there. Okay, let's run it back. Randy says 47. Jade says 42. And I said 28.

We'll get out of here on this one. Now I think older. Okay. Oh, now you might be right. Do you want to change? You have up until I... You can change. I feel like she's in her...

I want to say 50 now. Okay. 50. Okay, good. Because she looks older. Okay. All right. Can I see the photo one more time?

Katrina. Do you want to show her the photo one more time? Katrina. Here we go. Morgan. Is. Katrina. Here we go. Morgan is, is 50 years old. Way to go. Okay.

My God. We have that. That is a walk. That has never happened. You walked off on this show. Nobody has ever done that. It has switched on the last thing to end the show. This is a perfect way to on this show. Nobody has ever done that has switched on the last, the last second to end the show.

This is a perfect way to end the show. Jesus. I feel like menopause makes you do crazy things. It really does. It really does. Well, this is an amazing, it was such a fun show.

Jade Cata, I love that you did this show. Thank you. Go back and watch the soup on NBC.com. Watch all the soup, uh, follow her on Instagram. Write to NBC and say she is your favorite host.

And bring it back. Bring it back. Please. Bring it back. Bring it back. Bring it back. And you know what? I've been wanting, sorry, I've been wanting to start a podcast and I'm taking ideas from

everybody. So if anybody has any ideas, send them over. Awesome. Firecratch.com. Firecratch.com. Firecratch. Firecratch. And guys, get your tickets.

Get your tickets. Get your tickets. Live Dumb People Town on 1212. It's our holiday. And by the way, we're guys, get your tickets, get your tickets, get your tickets. Live Dumb People Town on 1212. It's our holiday. And by the way, we're going to be giving some of the money to charity

or some of the proceeds to two charities, one for seniors, one for kids for the holiday. So you, this is your chance to give a little, get a whole lot of fun.

We know, we know that the coronavirus is back with a vengeance. We know that lockdowns are coming, but we got a night out for you in your house. That's how we do it.

Jade Caterpillar, thank you so much. And Oshik. Thank you, guys. I love you. We got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound.

Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Stick around, make a sound, calm your down, it's Dumb People Town.