Dumb People Town - Jade Catta-Preta - The Smell Was Deafening

Episode Date: July 13, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by comedian Jade Catta-Preta (Future Man) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, a woman and her son get pooped on from a plane flying overhead.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your down, it's Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of

Dumb People Town Dan only says people I always do Population you Population you Population Jade Jade Kata

Prada Our thing is like Your Your name Should be Shouted by a studio audience At all times I love that

Ladies and gentlemen Please welcome Jade Kata Prada When they ask you Your next show They're like

How do you want to be brought up By the whole audience by the whole audience. By the whole audience and shouting like we're about to see the greatest infomercial product ever. I love that. A lot of middle-aged men and women nodding. Yeah. I have purchased a Jade Cata Prada, and it has made my life so much easier. I love that.

I just did Nikki's show, and Nikki was saying that it sounds like an expensive bag. Like, have you gotten your Cata Prada? Well, I only wear my catapretta. Well, it's made completely out of Jade. It's skin. It's skin. It's made out of baby hair. Have you gotten a baby hair catapretta?

Jade, we met while we were doing Those Who Can't together. And I just, we fell in love with you because not only are you cool, but you were such a great improviser in them. And we always look for people who can play in a great way. And every single take, we were just sitting there because your scene was shot right before ours. And then we had a whole thing together. We were in scenes together.

But everything you were doing, you would just, it was the same thing, but you would adjust it in one way and make one little choice that always made us laugh as we're watching a video. Oh, guys. It was so fucking good. It was so fun. As a result, we've always wanted to put you in things and suggest you for things. Oh, thanks, guys. Now you're here, and we get to make fun of dumb people together.

How fun is that? Oh, I love that. So the world's getting dumber, and Daniel Van Kirk, who is here, we know that. Right, Dan? Yes. And we've got a great story. Shall we jump right into it? Let's do it.

Let's jump right in. Sent in by Larry Lutz at Larry Lutz. L-A-R-R-Y-L-U-T-E-S. Lutz. Lutz. Double L. Lutz, Lutz, Lutz and things. That's the name of his store. And they sell predominantly just Lutz and Boots. Lutz and Boots.

You get Lutz and Boots. Susan Allen and her son were driving through, I'm going to get this wrong, Kalauna's downtown core after coming back from Peachland. I mean, we're really hitting the details. What city is this? I don't know.

I don't know that either. They're coming from the future. They're in 2049. Driving through the core on a mild afternoon with her sunroof down. But stopping at a red light would change the course of her day and weeks and maybe life to come. Someone shit in her convertible. Someone shit through the sunroof?

She said, this is where we were inundated with poop. I've not read this. It was coming from the sky, covered my car, and got in my face and in my mouth. No! Wait, wait, wait. Poop? Like human poop? How did she know it was human poop and not a thick bird?

I already know what happened. This is like a plane flew by and emptied its stuff. Guys, that's a show. Wait, wait. Is it Dave Matthews? Was it Dave Matthews' tour bus? Dave Matthews' tour plane. Those poor people in Chicago just going on an architectural river tour.

It's raining poop. Hallelujah, it's raining poop. So it's like poop into me. I recently listened to that song. That song starts out with a seven minute spoof weather broadcast of just them talking before the song starts. Oh, do you know what that weather's

going to be like? What's that going to be? It literally goes on for minutes. In a time where they're like, women would never do this kind of work. The brownish discharge splattered across the entire hood and backseat of Alan's car as well as the cars behind her and in adjacent lanes, and the smell was horrid.

I would say the smell was deafening. Like it affected another sense. I would say the smell was expected. You guys, this is a big deal. She can get colitis and die from it. Yes. You could tell it was feces because it smelt like poop, but there was also a hint of chlorine.

It was the strangest smell. When Almond managed to look up, she saw a large plane flying overhead. God damn it. Once the light turned green, do you think people behind her were like, go! What are these people waiting for? Five cars back. Someone texting doesn't even notice it happened? Go!

What is that smell? Go! Go so we don't have to smell. What could have happened to you? You could tell. She says, when Alan looked up, she saw a large plane. Once the light turned green, the pair rushed to a near... This is her and her son, I believe.

Rushed to a nearby gas station to wash the particles off. Are you getting cleaner at a gas station? No, I think it's making it worse. You guys, I think anywhere you go just to wash the particles off. Are you getting cleaner at a gas station? No, I think it's making it worse. You guys, I think anywhere you go just to get the poop off. Anywhere you go. Do you remember the movie Silkwood? You need that shower.

By the way. What was that shower? Silkwood was Meryl Streep and like... Streep. Yeah, Streep. She worked at like a nuclear plant. She was contaminated.

Smoked the entire time. And it was like, you walked out in your clothes smelled like cigarettes. I imagine running to a gas station and being like, I'm here to clean myself and the gas station is like, wrong place. She had a history with poop and she comes home and her husband's like, you're getting into poop again.

It's the one time in your life you walk into a gas station bathroom and you're like, oh thank god this is better. So she has poop in her mouth and all over her kid and her car. Yep. Okay.

They rush to a gas station to wash the particles off themselves and their car. Who cares about the car right now? At this point, you send the car

through a car wash with the sunroof down. With the thing open. Yeah. A visit to the doctor the following morning for a swollen red eye revealed that

that Alan had also contracted conjunctivitis infection. Pink eye. Yes. From a pink eye. Someone opened their asshole and gave him a pink eye. He told me I had human feces in my eye, she said.

I'm 100% positive it was from the airplane. You think? Do you even need to make that statement? It could have been the airplane or when my husband shits in my eye every night. I don't know what it is. But I never get it from that, so I feel like it's the airplane. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, okay.

How does this not happen more? Wait, wait. How did she not clean it? She just left it in her eye? Like, why didn't she wash it out? She tried to wash it out at a gas station. She might have got it from the gas station. At this point, you get a lawyer to find out what flight that was, and you sue the shit out of that.

In that moment. And you fly for free for the rest of your life. You literally sue the shit out of that plane. You know, all you have to do is ask your phone, right? At any point, you can be standing there. If you see a plane above you, you can go, Siri, what plane is above me? And it will tell you the exact flight number. That is the most fun fact thing I've ever heard.

That's not real. Yes, it is. Do you have a sunroof in your car?'ve ever heard. I never heard. Yes. That's not real. Yes, it is. Do you have a sunroof in your car? I don't. I don't. I have a Kia. Get one so this can happen. For that very reason.

For that very reason. Yeah. Also, when I'm on planes, those poops are some of the worst poops I've ever taken. That you've ever taken. I didn't think that. I don't think you're blaming yourself. I didn't think that they're dumping it. They're dumping it all?

I think that's a problem. I don't think they're dumping it. They're dumping it all? I think that's a problem. I don't think they're dumping it like that. I think there's a place where they dump it. There was like a septic tank. There had to have been a leak. You can't Dave Matthews that thing over a town. Whatever town that is. We don't know.

You can do it over Terre Haute, Indiana. Alan continues to use eyedrops to treat her lasting sting from the May 9th incident. Lasting sting. Great album. Lasting sting. Great album. And now her child is like scarred for life. Like he goes on a date and the girl starts to take down the roof.

No. Don't you dare. I thought lasting sting was an explanation of how sting has sex. Yeah. No, don't you dare. I thought Lasting Sting was an explanation of how Sting has sex. Yeah. It is.

All I know is in both instances, you need eye drops at the end. It's tantric. That would have been a better Jaguar commercial, right? Sting's in the back seat, just sitting there. It's quiet. Sunroof open. Just shit comes right on in. Just comes in and he doesn't even notice. That's how smooth the ride is.

And he'd still look cool. That's how smooth the ride is. And he'd still look cool. That's how smooth the ride is. Three other residents across B.C., British Columbia, have recounted similar experiences since she went public with her story. All four accounts

happened in the span of... Wait, think about all the people who haven't told the public. Why is this being kept quiet? It's embarrassing to eat shit. I guess, but these aren't like, this isn't like people that Cosby ruined their career. This is a hashtag me poo movement.

You guys, you don't know until it happens to you, okay? Jason said hashtag me poo. I'm sorry. Hashtag me poo is really, I'm sorry, hashtag me poo needs to be a shirt that you wear just at home.

Right. That you wear it for people with sunroofs. The silliness of that joke makes it fun. Transport Canada has now launched an investigation into two separate incidents from Kelowna. And I get it, guys. I know I'm saying it wrong. Kelowna. Kelowna.

Kelowna? Kelowna. See, guys? We figured it out together. Kelowna. I never heard of it. Yeah, the GN is... In an email, the department said it

takes all reports of possible debris from aircraft very seriously, and that it's possible a valve malfunction allowed the leakage of blue ice, a term used for frozen waste enclosed in sewer holding tanks. Blue ice?

That was like a, wasn't that Ben Stiller's look in Zoolander? Oh, I'm sorry, it was Blue Steel. Blue ice. Just gave that shit look. Blue ice is like a gum flavor.

Yeah, exactly. Blue ice is, ugh. I'll never look at blue. Blue ice is that blue stuff in the toilet. Yeah. Yeah.

What would you guys do if you are sitting in your car with your child or yourself? Wait, I have a kid in this? Yes, you have a kid in this story. And you get covered in shit. I would probably never be able to go out ever again. I would think that the world is trying to shit on me.

I don't even know what I would do. I would be so upset. But you know how like... No part of you... How long would it take though for... It's funny. It would be funny. That's what I take though for this is why I bring this up a lot. It would be funny. That's what I said. As comedians it would be the greatest thing.

I would be like are you fucking. I'd probably be on the way to an audition. I'd probably be like I just got a new album. There's my new album. Yeah that's a whole hour. That's a whole hour. Here's my closer. The world is trying to shit on me. Yeah it's true. And what I'm trying to say is No it's it's I would never open theapetta, the world is And what I'm trying to say is... No, it's...

I would never open the sunroof ever again. Ever, ever, ever, ever. I would sue that airplane line so... Thank you. My whole family would fly for free

for the rest of their lives. I would go after them. I would launch a massive campaign against them until they were alive. I would tweet, oh, boy.

Forget it. Here's your next documentary. Here's what they think happened. Jade the movie. If the liquid, blue ice, seeps and sticks to the outside of the aircraft, it could detach from the plane during the flight, either in a solid or melted state. So what happened is it probably leaked out at a high altitude, froze, and then as they

were coming down to land, it thawed out. Thawed out. Oh, God. It's twice frozen poop? On re-entry. Yes. And then dropped. It congealed. It's got to be more potent that way, right? Oh, God, it's twice frozen poop? On re-entry. Yes. And then dropped. It can be more potent that way,

right? Oh, Oh, yeah. Just because it becomes solid. It's got to like, yeah, that it comes together in a way.

It's like almost like a super group. You know what I mean? It's like, all the worst parts of it. The worst parts of it. Like you took the, like the, the guy who played bass in Bon Jovi.

It's basically baked and frozen. Aviation regulations state that, quote, no person shall create a hazard to persons or property on the surface by dropping an object from an aircraft in flight. You hear that, Dave Matthews? Any operator found to be in contravention. I've never seen that word. Like holding poop in?

Yes. Contravention? Of the regulations. This is a contravention. Like contraband? But word. Like holding poop in? Yes. Contravention? Yeah. Of the regulations. This is a contravention. Like contraband? But it's an intervention and a contraband. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an intervention of someone who has the contraband.

The contraband. It's a contravention. Clark Duhamel, executive director of the Pacific Flying Club. This is a guy who has way too thin of a mustache. Yeah, Duhamel, he's a geeky, geeky, geeky. And he's got great hair. And he's got kids that hate him. And great hair, though.

Said that he hasn't heard of this happening in nearly 30 years. I don't know if that means that's the last time it happened. Wait, does this happen all the time? I haven't heard of this since 1993. British Columbia is a great place. Poop drops every once in a while. 30 years is like the 80s, guys. Yeah, that's not that far back.

I doubt it's coming from the jet craft, though it's possible, he said. Even if there was any leakage of any sort, it would be a major incident at the airport ramp. I love that he's just—where did it come from, dude? But where did the poop come from? By the way, at the airport ramp is like—strikes me as like the place where everyone smokes before they go to their job. Wait, isn't it— We'll be talking about this at the ramp. But was the poop blue because of the cool blue?

Blue ice? I can show you some pics. Will the pics be on the Facebook page? Yes, they will be. Okay, good. Join the Facebook page. I do want to see. I mean, did she take a photo right away? She should have for just like...

This to me is like the worst... So it's kind of like grayish on the car. That doesn't seem like a lot of poop. It seems like splattery. Okay, this to me seems like the worst Kids' Choice Awards ever. Wait, I thought it was supposed to be green. Green's the car. That doesn't seem like a lot of poop. It seems like splattery. Okay, this to me seems like the worst Kids' Choice Awards ever. Wait, I thought it was supposed to be green. Green sun.

See, this car got hit pretty good. So imagine your sunroof. You're definitely getting it. Oh, man. It looks like it rained poop. It does look like it. It's raining poop. Hallelujah, it's raining poop.

Here she is with her eye. Oh, my gosh. Didn't she just look perpetually pissed? Wouldn't you be now? This is a woman who hasn't worn makeup since 1989. Now she's wearing eye drops. She saved her money for the convertible.

That's all she wanted. That's all she wanted. Guys, I just want to put the top down and relax. There's no way the universe is going to keep me from doing that. No poop is going to drop from the sky today. Not today. No poop is going to break my stride. But I have to say. Nobody's going to keep me from doing it. No poop is going to drop from the sky today. Not today. No poop is going to break my stride. But I have to say.

Nobody's going to slow me down. Oh, no. I got to keep on pooping. But, like, it doesn't look exact. Like, the way I pictured it was just, like, buckets full of poop. It was better. You're let down by the poopage. I think it's going to be hard for her to prove it came from a plane.

I don't. I think there is no human way that that just exists out in the world. Well, other residents whose cars were showered by the pungent waste says it's difficult to imagine coming from anything but an airplane. Agreed. Right. On that same afternoon, May 9th, Ron Ackerson. I mean, he's part of a coffee group. We got to get Ackerson down here.

He's a vice principal. He's part of a coffee group that meets at McDonald's. He's got his keys are on a chain. McDonald's got coffee? Yeah, he's got way too many keys. Ron Ackerson is- Well, I'm in a book club and we only do biographies from World War II. Ron Ackerson very aggressively cleans his garage every weekend.

Right. Ron Ackerson. Ron doesn't like- He always- How are you, Ron Ackerson? Ron cleans his garage every weekend. Right. Ron Ackerson. Ron doesn't love you. He always. How are you, Ron Ackerson? Ron, yeah. Always like. We've met many times.

Ron Ackerson. I'm here. I'm your wife. She's like, I know, honey. When he gets to a restaurant, they're like, at Baker's Square, how many? Ron Ackerson. Plus four? They're not here yet, and I'm not waiting.

Sit me down. Sit me down. Ron Ackerson. Plus four? They're not here yet, and I'm not waiting. Sit me down. Sit me down. Ron Akerson. You're saving the table anyway. Don't make me stand up. Wait, is he on Raya? I want some. They're not here yet.

Sit me down. Jason. You love that one. It's a great personality. It's the guy you cannot wait to be seen. He's had enough of that policy. As he's walking to the table, look, I can tell you right now,

I want cottage cheese and a milk. Just bring it. I'm going to order more when they get here, but make sure my bill's separate. I'm not playing for their cottage cheese. I like that all his friends also like cottage cheese. He knows they're going to order it too. We first met, we figured out we all like cheese.

Cottage cheese. Ask me what type of cheese I like. Ask me. What type? Cottage. Everyone up in Canada has a cottage up north. Rod Exner pulled into a rest stop along the highway while going home to Williams Lake in British Columbia after a doctor's appointment

So many stories in the recently in Dumb People Town have been people going to doctors. Remember the guy who found the missile? Why is that included in the story? Because Ron said put this in Ron Eckerman I was at the doctor's. I don't see you writing this down Where was I coming from? Doctor's appointment

All of a sudden it's just brown. The whole grill, the hood, the windshield, and even some of the tailgate. I thought, what the frig is going on here? That has to be his voice. No, they're not here yet. Sit me down. Atkinson said it was a clear sky and he didn't manage to catch a glimpse of anything above. But there's no way in this world there's a bird big enough in this day and age that could crap that much.

And they sure wouldn't be crapping at the same time. Wait, I like him now. I like him now. You're on Ackerman. I'm in sales. How do I join this book club? Exactly. Jade's like, ah, this guy's kind of cool.

I like him. Wait, I want there to be some weird, like, dragon poop. Oh, yeah.

That's just like, poop so much. And that's what it was. And he poops fluids. Astronaut poop. I mean, could it be that? Kelowna International

Airport said it's cooperating with Transport Canada on the investigation, which is ongoing. The federal department also said it does not collect statistics on so-called blue ice incidents, which is a great ban from the 80s. Blue ice incidents.

Do you think Trump is like, this is why we need police control in space? There's no way I'll burn big crap that much. Ron Eckerson sales. That's a mini, guys. Oh, man, that's a great way to do that. Jade Catapretta, people can follow you. You're a great follow on Instagram. Yes, at the Jade Movie.

Guys, check it out. At the Jade Movie on Instagram. Instagram, and check me out on the next season of Future Man on Hulu. Yes! You're currently shooting that, and I'm so excited. Seth Rogen's show on Hulu. Very excited. Phenomenal, and I'm so proud of you.

Oh, thank you, dude. And just keep doing all the great stuff that you grew. Thanks for having me, Jason. Thanks for having me. And oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Guys, love you. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town.

It's a good show.