Dumb People Town - Jade Catta-Preta - Urine Luck

Episode Date: September 7, 2021

This week Jade Catta-Preta comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a skinny dipper in Florida. The second story is about the worst possible fashion trend. The final story is about one hell of a deal for a date.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Cata Preta. J. Cata Preta. Jay Cata Preta. Hey. I love it. My name seems so boring when two people don't say it at the same time.

Jay Cata Preta Porter. You guys look so tan. Oh, I know. I've been outside. Just been out like walking around, just walking the streets of Los Angeles. Feeling good. You look hot. Oh, thank you. You guys look hot today.

You got an energy. Do we have an energy? Do we have a vibe? You have an energy. Do we have an energy? Do we have a vibe? You have a vibe. So Danny Van Kirk, who has been on the road doing stand-up and kicking ass a little bit, is being super, super careful. Even though he's had two negative tests, he is self-quarantining.

He's still trying for a little COVID baby. He wants that COVID baby. Full term. Full term. Full term. He wants to bring it to term. No, but he is being very responsible. So we say this to our listeners who are listening

that Dan is in his house and we are in the studio with the great Jade Cotopreda, which can I say, and I'll talk a little bit more about this when the time is right. We got to open for you as you recorded your special. Thank you for doing that. And you were amazing.

We'll talk about it later, but I just wanted to tell you right off the jump that we loved it so much. And we were loved that we were a part of it. Not easy for us to get out of the house and just do a bunch of stand up here and there for doing it. Like also during the day, basically,

it was, I know it was, so we bit the bullet and, and, and sucked out the light in it and the light. And then, yeah, we got that.

We got, we told the, the, the world to sort of rotate so that it would be darker for you. The first show was rough. The first show was rough. And that's when all the industry people come, of course. I know we'll get into it later, but what time was the first set?

Seven. Seven. Seven. And it's summertime seven. It was a bright seven. Everyone was high. Who cares? Everyone was high.

Great for laughing. Really good. So good. So for those who know, you did a fantastic job hosting The Soup as well. You did a great job on that. Really long-lived. Long-lived. You were great on it.

But, I mean, what it captured is just literally skewering the stupid behavior that exists on TV in so many different formats. It's what we do on this show. It's what we do on this show. It's why you are uniquely designed and engineered in a lab to be a great guest on this show. This is the third time. I mean, how many three-timers do we show. This is the third time. I mean, how many three-timers do we have?

This is more than three. I think it's three. No, it's three. It is? It's three. Oh, I thought, I was going to say it's four. Well, maybe,

you never know. You're just one of our favorites to come on here and do this. You did one. I'm not doing it. Last one, I think you were zoomed in.

It's a zoomie. Zoomed in. Yeah. But it's just so nice to see you in person. Yeah, you too. Dumb Stories gets sent to us by our awesome fans.

The easiest way to do it is to tweet at Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag dumb people town, so he knows who sent it, when. He's got a timeline, and no one can be pissed. Makes it easy. We got one sent in. Let's jump into one right now. Ready?

This was sent in by Adam Fries. Fries? I don't know. F-R-I-E-S. At Adam Fries Fries. Okay, here we go. I'm going to read you the headlines, because even the headline itself is dumb.

Okay? And I'm not the smartest man. I'm not a smart man, headlines because even the headline itself is dumb. Okay? Okay. And I'm not the smartest man. I'm not a smart man, but I know what dumb is. That's my Forrest Gump poster. Are you saying that the media itself, the people who are covering it are dumb in this story too? No, just the headline is dumb. Okay.

And I want to admit, I didn't catch it right away. So I'm not saying I'm so smart. Headline is this. Didn't catch it right away. So I'm not saying I'm so smart. Headline is this. Naked Florida woman busted for skinny dipping in stranger's pool. Yeah.

Just say skinny dipping. Right. You don't also need to say naked. Right. Right. That's like saying Florida woman busted. You don't have to say those two things. Jade to me seems like someone who you've gone skinny dipping. I don't know why it's taken me. Oh, yeah. There's no other way to swim except bare pussy. Thank you. You don't have to say those two things. Jade to me seems like someone who you've gone skinny dipping. I don't know why it's taken me.

Oh, yeah. There's no other way to swim except bare pussy. Thank you. You know what I mean? I'm so sorry. This is a family show. It is not a family show. Not anymore.

Not anymore. I feel like it's like, you know, best headline of all time, of course, when the Sofa King guy like screwed one of his employees and the headline was so fucking screwed. Which I thought was brilliant. So fucking screwed. This one feels like an editor. Turns out it was a pullout, Ken. It feels like nobody caught it.

And then once it came out, the editor saw it and was like, God damn it. You don't have to say both skinny dipping and naked. I'm going to make, do you want me to make the case for why they said that? Yes. Let me make the case, okay? I'm going to now jump do you want me to make the case for why they said that? Yes. Let me make the case, okay?

I'm going to now jump into the editor's head, okay? So skinny dipping is you show up somewhere fully clothed, you take your clothes off, and you do something illicit, i.e. swim in a pool, go in the ocean. Run, flash somebody you're dead at all. I've skinny dipped in the ocean before at night and that is like super fun, enjoyable. That's really scary. I did it in broad daylight when I was in Hawaii last month

and it was wonderful. Did you? And that's why we're not allowed in Hawaii anymore. They want us out. Who are you, Kyle Kinane? They want us out? Hawaii's part of America. Hawaii wants us out.

Hawaii wants us out. The mainlanders. They don't even want to be a part of America anymore. Hawaii doesn't even want the movie Moana out there. Okay, do you understand? So I think they're trying to draw a distinction that this woman showed up to the party naked. She didn't show up in clothes

so that she could then skinny dip. It was like, I'm naked. But it's a stranger's pool. It's not a party. I know, but I meant the party of the event. Also, why is this called skinny dipping? I feel like that's kind of rude to fat people. I know.

That's fat shaming. It is. Don't fat shame someone. You know, it should be just dipping. Dipping. Dipping. You going to dip? You going to dip?

You going to dip? Who dipping? All right, you ready for this story? Let's hear it. Upon returning home from a doctor's appointment Monday afternoon, I just love that it's an old retired guy and his doctor was like look please don't do things that are just gonna get your heart racing and he shows up as a naked woman in his pool a stranger nonetheless no stress no stress okay i want you to keep your

heartbeat just go maybe listen the last thing you can do, do you have a pool, right? Just go back to behind your house. Make that your happy place. Relax there. Just lay down. Get in your thing. Maybe make some lemonade. Nothing is going to affect your state of mind when you are floating in your pool.

In your own private pool. Right. That no one can access. So upon returning home from a doctor's appointment Monday afternoon, a Florida retiree discovered a naked woman skinny dipping in his pool, according to cops cops who arrested the intruder on trespass and resisting charges james clark 69 nice told police that after spotting the clothing that was not his in the lanai by the

pool he looked around to find a naked white female in the pool and he then called 9-1-1 how long did he wait before he like you know he's got a couple strokes in and he's like i am better i should wait is naked white female the porno version of single white female yeah she's been scoping this house for yeah wait i'm gonna get naked in this pool yeah i just love him finding the clothes first i just see him very much like, the hell? Did they describe where they found it? Did you say linoleum? The lanai.

The lanai, which is in Florida, that's like a porch. A screened-in porch. Oh, the lanai. On the lanai. So she broke into his home, left the clothes inside. Left it on the lanai. In the lanai. When cops arrived at Clark's Port Charlotte home,

the woman, later identified as Heather Kennedy, was still in the pool. Of course she was. Oh, she's a Kennedy. She is a Kennedy. She's still doing laps, Jade. Getting her strokes in. She's a Kennedy and she didn't drown she did not want

to identify herself or explain why she was there imagine that conversation who are you not telling what are you doing here get in here the backstroke get backstroke geez come on what are you doing in that what was her day was she she so drawn to the Lanai? Yes. That she had to? She had to do it. According to an arrest report, Kennedy deputies noted was hostile and, quote,

requested for law enforcement to leave her alone. I love that, too. Why don't you guys get out of here? Just let me float. Let me float in peace. I'm not bothering anybody. This old man doesn't need this pool to himself. Was he going to use it today?

Yeah. He was going to use it today. Because doctor's orders. I'll tell you, why don't you guys just leave me alone? Watch me do a handstand. Nope. We don't want it. So leave me alone is her way of, that's the equivalent of a kid closing his or her eyes in the middle of a room

while playing hide and seek sure you can't see it he was lounging in clark's pool as cops tried to coax her out of water so she never she wouldn't imagine the time between him calling the cops and the cops getting there when he was like please just ma'am, leave. Yeah. No. Or stay. No, he wanted her arrested. All right, here's a picture. This is a picture of her in the pool. I want to say that I'm dying to see. Stop. She looks...

She doesn't look... She looks like she just came back from the Caribbean. Did she get corn roast today? Also, that's a nice pool. That's a really nice pool. Wow. She did some dunks on that bath. Also, I'm sorry.

That cop's got a nice ass. Did you guys see that bubble butt? That is a... Damn. Who you guys see that bubble butt? That is a... Damn. Who is he, a Kardashian? I mean, get out of here. Wait, I like that they're holding her clothes up like, ma'am, let us help you get dressed.

Are these yours? Are these... Of course, it's a denim jacket in Florida in the summer. Neither of them are wearing masks. Nope, nobody is. Oh, yay, yay, yay, yay. Here's my question. How come that Kardashians have never come out with butt implants

that make your butt look like theirs and call them Kardashians? That's really, don't say that out loud. Don't say it out loud? Okay, everybody shush. Because I got skims. I'm going to mail it to myself. But yeah, no, this woman definitely dunked on the thing a little bit. It looks like Brandy Melville, doesn't it?

You know, one of the Real Housewives? Yes. That looks like. Is that who's behind the store, Brandy Melville? It would be. No, that's two Italian dudes. Yeah. I looked it up because I was like, she does great clothing.

She does really good. No, she's. So this one was like, I'm fine. It was like, no one asked if you were fine, lady. She definitely has like a gold tooth. Three more laps. Actually, ma'am. She just closes her eyes and starts going, Marco.

And they're like, fish out of water. Just get over here. I can't get over this guy's ass. I've never seen such an ass on a man. It is like a bubble. It is like a shelf. It is like a shelf. Like you could put a drink on that.

Kennedy eventually exited the pool, but struggled with officers as they sought to handcuff her. Imagine that. If I get out, are you guys going to be cool? Sure. Heather, come on. Come here, Heather. Yeah, get out of here. Come on, be cool? Sure. Heather, come on. Come here, Heather. Yeah, get out of here.

Come on, throw your gun in. I can hold my breath and go get it in the deep end. We're not doing that, ma'am. Throw your taser in. I'll get it. I'll get it. Charged with trespassing and resisting without violence, Kennedy was booked into the Charlotte County Jail

on the misdemeanor counts. She was scheduled to be arraigned on August 4th. Court records list Kennedy's residence as a private home about two miles from where she was arrested so this was a full day for her this she was like but she's not living on the streets she has a house in the hood in the name she was arrested without resistance without violence yeah she was without violence she's like i'm not punching yeah i'll make it I'll make it hard for you to arrest me, but I'm not going to get violent.

Yeah, her hands were like all over the place. They're like, ma'am, give us your hands. And she's like, what? I'm just, it's like washing a cat. Does she also have a pool, but didn't feel like her pool was good enough? Maybe. Maybe.

She was convicted earlier this year for having pills and marijuana. And Kennedy denied ownership of those pills. I just like this little fact. Claiming that they were the property of a male that she knew by the name of Crackhead Chris, according to a police report. Great guy.

Who's Bill, ma'am? Crackhead Chris. Who's he? He's my accountant. Right. Those and everything. Crackhead Chris. Crackhead Chris.

He's my accountant. How does that spell? Someone says that as though you're going to know who they're talking about. Well, you know. If your name is Crackhead Chris, you're not Chris. He's my Chris. How does that spell? Someone says that as though you're going to know who they're talking about. Well, you know. If your name is Crackhead Chris, you're not someone's pastor. I don't know. You could be an exercise coach.

My trainer. That's insane. He gets me going. I mean, there's a lot of street stuff. Have you done Crackhead Chris's boot camp? It's amazing. You run from the cops for 30 minutes. And then you jump over trash cans.

Jump over trash cans. Your teeth fall out, but you look thin. You look amazing. You lose so much weight. All right, I am now going to show you guys a picture of Heather Kennedy, and then we are going to play around a guest CAG.

Here is Heather Kennedy. Ready for this? Yep. She doesn't look that... I don't know what. She's seen better days. I just like that her shirt says I'm not. I don't care what it is underneath better days I just like that her shirt Says I'm not I don't care what it is Underneath there

It's perfect A feminist I feel like she's going Through a lot Just a beat down woman I can feel the energy Just drained out Those roots need to be redone

I kind of like the roots I think her hair looks great Yeah I was just gonna say Her hair is looking good Like Britney on a good day Her hair does look kind of Like I like the shape of her hair If you told me this is like

Britney Spears Like just been been freed, like just freed. She just got over conservatorship. I would believe you. Britney looks way better than this. She looks like a dance mom. Britney looks a lot better than this. Yeah, she does. But you know, like if you like squinted, it kind of like the same.

And also, chlorine's not very good for your hair. So you should know better. Thank you very much. I'm going to ask you guys. How old? How old is Heather Kennedy? Also, chlorine's not very good for your hair. So you should know better. Thank you very much. I'm going to ask you guys. How old? How old is Heather Kennedy? Now, this is a Florida woman who will go two miles to get into a stranger's pool who knows Crackhead Chris.

You got a Florida just for age. You know, I like Crackhead Chris. I'm a bigger fan of Ruth's Chris's Crackhead. Ruth's Crackhead Chris. Ruth's Crackhead Chris. All right. So how oldhead Chris. Ruth's crackhead Chris. All right. So how old do you think she is, Jade? Oh, man.

I'm going to go first here. I want to say she's 40. 40. So Judd Apatow, this is 40. This is 40. Okay. This is me at a very young age. I'm going to say 37.

Okay. 37. Wow. I'm going to say she's lived a hard life. She's 32, Dan. No. 32, Dan. She's 32.

Saturn just returned. Dan, what's your guess before you knew? He knows. He knows. Oh, before you knew. If I had to guess. I'll tell you after I say. Okay.

Heather Kennedy is 42 years old, Jacob i was gonna say 42 you know it you win you win i think i would have gone like 38 by the way 37 by the way she looks good for 42 she does not look fucking good for 42 she looks like she's never slept like well she looks good for never sleeping in 43 i guess she looks good for crack she does she's still filled out i mean she's never slept. She looks good for never sleeping in 43 years. I guess she looks good for crack. She does. She's still filled out. I mean.

I still think she has great hair. Great hair. Unless she has a lot of makeup on her. She has good skin. I can't tell. What does it say? I'm not. What's the t-shirt?

I said, I said a feminist. I'm not your friend. I'm not the party pooper. I'm not cloaked. I'm not smart. I'm not the drones you're looking for. Did one of our lights go out? It's okay. I'm not the party pooper. I'm not cloaked. I'm not smart. I'm not the drones you're looking for. Did one of our lights go out? It's okay.

I'm not the drones you're looking for, maybe. I don't know. That's story number one, my friend. Story number one down in the books. I'm not a homeowner. I have that same sweatshirt. She is a homeowner. There you go.

Story number one down in the books. I'm not Crackhead Chris. When we come back, we're going to talk more about where people can eventually get Jade Special and and all that good stuff uh this is dumb people town don't go anywhere stick around make a sound there's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to the show the great jade katapretta are very we we've loved her as a stand-up, as an actress, as the host of a fantastic show on the old streamers. But as an actress, I thought you,

we've always said this to you, and I've seen you as you've been testing for pilots and stuff, and I always want to give you the most confidence when you go into tests because I loved how much you improvised and played,

because Jay and I do it all the time, like when we're on sets and we're doing things, and they let us do it. But you came up with something new and different and smart in line with exactly who this character was every time. I was like, and the best part is that it was the character of a whore.

Yeah, a whore named Jade. You've inhabited this. No, but you were so funny and so good on Those Who Can't with us. Don't you just want to act? Yeah. People just let us fucking act already. We did a short film over this past weekend.

And we just did. And we helped sort of improvise some of the lines. And then once we got into what we were improvising and we figured it out. And I was just sitting in Video Village watching a beautiful camera shot. Because they did a single on Jay. He was in this thing. And I was like, man, I love working. Same thing.

I love it. I miss being on set. Dan? Just love working. They won't let me. Now I'm just stuck at home making self-tapes. As if I want to make a short film every single day. Self-tapes.

You'll get back there. You'll get back there. So the special that you recorded at Jam in the Van that we did and we opened for you was so good. It was...

Songs. It was musical. It was just cool. Thanks, guys. It's so funny. It was like a stand-up act, a stand-up music special. The dream is to have

a variety show on the road. Obviously, I want to have it on Broadway, like bigger things, dancers, blah, blah, blah. But I have to tell you guys, cutting it together has been rough. Really? Why?

I cannot watch my stand-up. I'm one of those people, like, I just honestly, it's cringy to me. I understand that. I get that. I don't think it's good enough. It doesn't look good enough. It's not lit good. Like all these little things,

I'm still, I need to give it some time. Or let someone else that you really trust put it together. You know what I mean? Yeah, I cut a few songs together and sent it to my reps a few weeks ago. Waiting for a response. Waiting for Guffman. Waiting for Guffman. I've worked with him before.

Oh, nice. No, I'm just kidding. That's the line from the movie. So funny. So it was just, I loved it. So you're going to put it all together and then go sell it? Yeah, I have a documentary that I'm kind of pitching right now about me going back to Brazil and doing stand-up in Portuguese, blah, blah, blah. And we were hoping to piggyback off of that with the special.

So we'll see where it lands. But otherwise, I'm just going to put it out on my own. Love it. Love it. Yeah. It was really fun. Keep an eye out for that. I can attest.

We were there for both tapings We saw it live The second one felt good Second one was amazing I think The first one Well but you need You need that first one

To then get to the second one That's the way it goes Yeah that's like Hooking during the day Yeah or it's like Sushi for breakfast Daniel was just on tour Out on the road

At danielvankirk.com Is Just check out Because the dates Will eventually pop up as the world rescheduled into the spring. But I think I'm still doing High Plains Festival in September, so.

That's pretty exciting. That's great. Remember festivals? Yeah, we're gonna be at Moon Tower. We're gonna go to Moon Tower September 23rd through the 25th, Ann Arbor October 22nd and 23rd at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase,

The Crocodile, which is like a very cool place. Rock club in Seattle. Ooh, I've never heard of that place. It's awesome. That's cool. Legendary rock club. Last time we were there years ago.

We just walked in because we were like, this place looks so cool. And Peter Buck was playing from REM, was like just sitting in with the band there. That's wild. Very cool. So that's happening the weekend before Thanksgiving. Tempe Improv, the 8th through the 10th. And then superschoolers.com. Just look up our dates.

Yeah, go look up some dates. Go to see comedy. If you need me in September, I'm unavailable. Right. You're taking a month off, which I actually highly think is very smart. It will re-adjust your brain. I won't hate stand-up anymore, hopefully. You'll come at it re-energized.

Yeah, but then I'm back in October. Come see me at the punchline at the end of October. Boom. Boom. There we go. That's how I do it. So let's jump into another story.

Are you ready? Yeah. I'm by Josh Maut. I tried, buddy. At J Maut. Now look, the story I'm about to read you guys is ridiculous and stupid

and I'm not even sure that it's real. I looked it up. I couldn't find out that it was fake. I'm sure with so many great townies, somebody will be like, oh, this was a joke. It's not fake. looked it up. I couldn't find out that it was fake. I'm sure with so many great townies, somebody will be like, oh, this was a joke. It's not fake. Yeah. The comedy's real. I'm not sure that it is, so I'm going to treat it as it's just dumb no matter

what. Let's do it. Wait, did he not send you an official link to a... No, it's from CNET, which is a real place. CNET is usually correct, but sometimes things pop up and it's just like... We're just going to treat it like it's dumb and real. Let's play it like it's real. Yeah, let's play a real place. CNET is usually correct. Oh, okay. But sometimes things pop up and it's just like... So we're just going to treat it like it's dumb and real. Let's play it like it's real.

Yeah, let's play it real. Real. Ready for the headline? Yes. Company sells jeans designed to make it look like you wet yourself. What? Bobby Lee would buy that. He's a squirter.

He's a squirter. They've been lived in. But also tim robinson has a sketch where it looks like there's dribble on your pants from the new season of i think you should leave that's why i was like is this real this can't be real here's what this is real ever spilled something on your pants while out in public ever thought to yourself sure it might seem like i peed myself but my pants actually look kind of cool now no no no no no this is fake this is fake it's fake and this is not real guys can't be real it's real but you know what keep going the reason i made fun of bobby lee is because he buys these really expensive jeans

that have been worn by asian men they like make they give them to they give them to homeless men for a year and they take them back what's's the brand? And then they sell them for like $300, $400 a piece. I'll find the name. Do we need to know the name of it? Text him and say, what is the brand of your Asian homeless man jeans? He's not up yet. Yeah, he's not up yet. That is the definition of street wear.

Worn jeans. Says, but my pants actually look kind of cool now. I'm just going to own this. Nobody does that. I don't like it. If what it says is on the level the company sells jeans designed to make it seem like you lost a battle with your bladder nope it's pants bear what appears to be a wet spot front and center as if to scream to the wandering world had to go

didn't have time so you're trying to say i'm so cool i I'm so busy? Dan, have you, as I get older, I can't, like, I'll drive my kids to school in the morning and now I have to drive and pick up my oldest daughter's friend over in Highland Park and then drive them downtown. So I'll drink my coffee in the morning before that. You have to pee so badly. I will try and pee so much. I literally will try and pee so much twice now.

I've had to stop on the side of the road and go into an empty lot. Empty lot. I don't care. I want these jeans. All right. I found them. They're called Selenome. They're $870.

What are they called? Selenome. Read the description. There's no description. This is just what they look like. So they give them to homeless people and they have them. I don't know how the process is. Bobby explained it to us.

But I know that they get warned by like the kids that work at the factory basically for a year and then they sell them for like almost a thousand bucks because you wear them in

$800 jeans but they have no pee stains on them so I don't like them yeah not as cute in the story here it says wet look

dry feel the company promises our jeans are designed to mimic the aesthetic of urinary incontinence with without the commonly associated discomfort this has to be fake right so dan it's not real i mean it depends and also where's the stain i didn't i'm saying i agree with you let's see a photo let's see a photo is there a photo of these jeans there i did there might be in the article i did

not pull one here, but it's exactly what you think it is. What are they called? What are they called? Called bad idea jeans. Can we do a shit stain one? Shit stain. That's a good brand.

Okay, here you go. The founder of Wet Pants Denim. Brown Town. Wet Pants Denim. Wet Pants Denim. A 20-something Manhattanite. Just understand, if you end up finding out

that since I put this together that it has been fake, we're done with the story. Well, no, I won't tell you if it's fake, but I need to see a photo. I'm a very visual learner. They do have a website. They do have a website. I'm telling you guys.

It has to be fake, but I can't. But the dumb is real. Wet look, dry feel. It is a real website. So I think this is real. I actually think this is one of those things. You're the David. Look, it's real. This is a real website so i think this is real i actually think this is i want to believe you're the david look it's real this is a full website i'm sorry jay what was the woman's name daniel love this the woman who is the sue something rather who is like the sex therapist

who was on tv sue she's like an old woman like not a not dr ruth not dr ruth she was like an old woman like not a not Dr. Ruth not Dr. Ruth she was just like an old woman a mad Johansson oh I know who you're talking about Dr. Sue Johansson Dr. Sue Johansson look her up look her up

and people would call Dr. Sue Johansson this feels like one of the things that people would like a fetish that they would love well it's the guy

that he called Dr. Sue I like it when my wife treats me like a baby and I just pee in a diaper and she holds me like a baby and he's like

so you like it when people get infantilized and he's like so you like to pee on people and he's like no no no I'm not a freak no she said infantilized and he got offended You like to pee on people. And he's like, no, no, no. No, no. I'm not a freak, Sue. No, she said infantilized.

And he got offended by it. There it is. Look at this. This is real. They have a TikTok. And they have like triple the amount of followers that I do on TikTok. So here we go. Bullshit. The founder of Wet Pants Denim, a 20-something Manhattanite who won't share his name or company

sales figures, assures me that the company's products are 100% real. And a report from Mel Magazine confirms this after ordering a pair to see for herself. So CNET has even tried to vet this. So Dan, this is like, I don't know if you saw that documentary about those like crazy rich kids in Manhattan. I think it's called like rich kids or something. I love stuff like that. This is one of those people. This was their idea. They got super high on Coke, and they're like, here's the deal. We can do this. We can get this.

And then they were like, I own people who are just at a factory waiting for me to tell them what to do. Can you see this at Shark Tank? They're like, hi. I can see it at Shark Tank. I mean, do you ever want it to look like you peed your pants? Yeah. This is, yeah, it's probably a super rich kid who pees himself or herself a lot and is like i'm doubling down on my lifestyle it's like that adam

sandler movie that little part when they're like oh yeah it's cool to pee in your pants they gotta use billy madison for their advertisement yeah that so i just to me this is like fascinating beyond belief that like people are buying this and it's like no one's buying it also they don't even look cute here we go you know what i mean if it was like a cool thing this is a quote from the company's creator believe it or not there are people who actually do enjoy the wet look it's unclear to us if this is meant as a sexual fetish or for pure shock value though it doesn't really matter either way right i don't i think it's both i think it's both i think it's i think it's shock value and a fetish but just tired you know what i mean i think i just need a month off of everyone and everything

like if i get a phone call about pee pants while i'm off in september people are so fucking dumb you should call the guy peewee hermit as the unnamed clothier reminds anyone who's ever spilled on themselves wet pants aren't on aren't comfortable and the wet spot eventually dries up his product therefore aims to bridge the gap in the market for individuals who urinate their pants in search of a specific aesthetic that aesthetic no doubt will have some fashionistas crying tears of bewilderment onto their totally dry jeans. So this is an attempt to see how far the fashion industry will go to anoint something. You are, Jade, Jade wears some great stuff.

Can I tell you the name? You are out on the limb of fashion as far as people that we know and certainly comics and stuff. I don't like the look. I don't like the look. I'm just saying the fashion world is kind of effed up in that if you've ever seen crazy couture fashion, I'm like, that looks like a third grader made that. It's DIY. And I don't know,

but it's DIY, I don't get it. And everyone's falling all over themselves over it. That's it. But here's my thing. I think they should call the pants, instead of wet look dry feel, wet pants denim, they should have called them urine luck. Urine denim. They should have called them Urine Luck.

You are I and you. I think they should call them pants. individually made for each order. The site says, choose from blue denim with a dark blue splotch, light gray denim

with a dark gray spot, or white with yellow dye for that extra drop of realism. The company calls this style its summer-inspired urinary incontinence gene, which might come across as shocking or even offensive to those who struggle with real urinary incontinence.

No kidding. We're going to get out of here on this. Patrons of the P genes can purchase them online for how much money? I did not look at the price. Oh my God, I didn't either. I didn't look at the price. Oh my God. I didn't either. I didn't look at the price. It includes shipping

or they can send in their own pants and have them dyed in a strategic spot for less money. The company promises customers will have their new garb within three to five business days. So not only can you order wet pants from them, you can send them your pants

and they'll make them look like they're perpetually wet. I'm in the wrong business. Whatever it costs, you're just pissing your money away on this. There you go, Randy. Jade, how much is it? Jade, how much is it? I didn't like that reaction.

You're in luck. Okay. That's what I said. That's great. You're in luck. You're in luck. It's so fun. I want to say that they're $149.

$149. Is Jason's club? Yeah. That's fair. That's a? Yeah. That's fair. That's a good price. That's a good price point. Well, you think I'll tell you this. My friend made cum art, so I get it.

Cum art, fair. You know? I'm going to say $199. And yeah, I mean, I can't believe anyone. $243. They're going to do limited editions with like celebrity pee. That's right. Sure.

I mean, asparagus jeans. I would smell horrible. This could be like a new, like pair up with 23andMe and you can do like the DNA of the pee and then like to find out who's family tree. All right, so go. I have the jeans that you peed on. That's right.

Jeans, pee in my jeans to find out my real jeans. The cost of a pair of wet pants denim jeans to make it look like you peed yourself because you're so cool is, we'll get out of here on this, $75. That's not bad. That's very affordable. That is affordable as far as a jean go. I mean, because I thought there was going to be super high-end jeans. I would go as far as getting those jeans and then undying them or dyeing them over the stain just because they're so affordable.

They might be really. What if they're the best-fitting jeans you've ever had in your entire life? What if you're like, they fit on my ass so good. So well. All right. There you go. Story number two. Dan, can you give us a tease of what we're going to hear

in story number two? We have an insane wedding date proposal. I can't. I love it. I love a wedding date proposal gone way wrong. Sure, sure, sure.

That's very exciting. And for our Patreon fans, we're going to talk to Jade and find out something dumb she's done in her life just because I love it so much. Not me. What?

No. You make all good decisions. You don't pee in your pants. All right, it's Dumb People Town. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. All right, Dan, take us home, buddy.

All right, here we go. Sent in by Carlene McDermott at SheBeCarlene. SheBeCarlene. Here's the headline. Woman offers stranger money to be needy mother-in-law's date to a wedding. So this woman is trying to get someone to be her mother-in-law's date for the wedding and she says her mother-in-law is very needy.

Does anything sound worse than needy mother-in-law? I feel like this is a real service. In Japan, they have agencies for this, for friends that you can bring to parties. So, okay, this is something that we want to turn into a bit, but we believe should exist in something where you outsource your mom source. Mom source. Oh, yeah.

That's a real thing. You should 100% do that. So if your mom, for example, can't figure out how to program her DVR, she doesn't call you. She calls us. She calls somebody else. This is the needy. You've got to be the you. She calls somebody else. This is the needy. She calls us

and we have no history. It's adorable that she doesn't know anything. I don't know how to do the button. You're so mad at her. We're like, it's okay. Take your time. We're here for you. We're totally here for you. She might not be able to

know how to program anything, but it wasn't like she got drunk at our 12th birthday party right like we're cool you don't have any backstory got no baggage I like it the other way around like I want a mom that doesn't know my history I want you to loan out your mom to me yeah because I'll be like you're not so not judgmental I do know she's like I

like that nipple ring I don't mind your cell light I'm like thank you you have none. So, Dan, I can't believe this. Well, a desperate woman is looking for someone to accompany her, quote, needy mother-in-law to a wedding. The anonymous woman in Hudson Valley, New York put an advert on Craigslist for someone to attend a rehearsal dinner and wedding with her 51-year-old mother-in-law and was even

offering how much for the job. How much were they willing to pay someone to be their mother-in-law and was even offering how much for the job. How much were they willing to pay someone to be their mother-in-law's date? We're almost 50, so this woman is a year older than us. That's wild. Isn't that crazy? So she's a year older than us, is the mother-in-law. Also, don't put

needy mother-in-law on paper. Don't put that in writing. Well, but maybe they need to do it ahead of time. Otherwise, they get there and they're like, hey, she's extra needy and Iin-law on paper. Don't put that in writing. Well, but maybe they need to do it ahead of time. Otherwise, they get there and they're like, hey, she's extra needy and I need another 50 bucks. Here's what I need. I need more money. Talk about needy.

I need some more cash for me to be with this needy bitch. All right. How much did she put? It's on Craigslist, so it can't be like a ridiculous amount of money. Also, is it only for men? I don't know. Or is it open to all?

I don't know. I think it's only fans. Only fans. I don't know. Or is it open to all? I don't know. I don't want to. I think it's only fans. Only fans. I don't know what it says, actually. But I bet I had that. I made that. No, it does. I'm non-binary, but will this do?

It needs to be a man. It needs to be a man. Okay. A hundred bucks. A hundred dollars. A hundred bucks. Jason, what do you think? Two events.

I'm going to say 250 bucks. Okay. Dude, honestly, you guys should volunteer just for this story. That's fucking hilarious. It is my, yeah, then one of us go to each thing? No, you guys should show up and trade out throughout the whole night. Please do this. Can I say this?

You cannot. My daughter just had her bat mitzvah, not last weekend, but the weekend before. Thank you. And I drove up to Ventura to buy a wooden donut wall, okay? A wall. I love a donut wall. That's so fun. Pegs on it. You throw donuts on it. I bought it from this guy in his garage

and that he was, I gave him $120 cash for the donut wall. Oh shit. I under, yeah I went under. I think, you know, she's gotta be worth more than a donut wall, this lady. She ain't as sweet. I'll tell you that much. That's a pretty fancy donut. I mean that's a lot of

You know the little pegs You gotta put in there A lot of people have We had to fix a few pegs I would say We had to glue a few pegs I know I should have been Same with this lady

You overpaid Same with this lady She got pegged a little too They out here pegging They out here pegging Please tell me Dan You saw that Of course

The Twitter rant Of the guy begging They out here pegging Did tell me, Dan, you saw that. Of course, yes, yes. The Twitter rant of the guy begging. They're out here begging. Del Curry. Did you see this? No, I'm off Twitter. So Steph Curry, who's a famous basketball player, for those who don't know, his dad, who was a famous basketball player, too, Del Curry, and his mom, who's super cute.

And his beautiful wife. So Del Curry is black. His wife is white, or his ex-wife now is white. She's gorgeous. He's a good-looking guy. They made beautiful children. Steph Curry is a beautiful man. Not so much seth curry but fine steph curry is good and so but del curry cheated on his wife and she apparently cheated on him and they are getting a divorce and there was i don't

know who this random dude just went on a twitter rant begging del curry to get back with his wife and make up with her because like he was such like you don't understand what it's like to be out single in the world. It's not like what it used to be when you were there. He's like, do you like charcoal flavored ice cream? You better figure it out. You know what group chats are. You're going to be the subject of it.

Tulum. Question mark. It's the funny guy right off. It's phenomenal. It was so funny. So I think it's a $350. Okay. 350.

Jade, you said you felt like you went low. Did you want to change? I feel like I went low, but like they can't have that. I mean, if $350. Okay, $350. Jade, you said you felt like you went low. Did you want to change? I feel like I went low, but they can't have that. I mean, if they have more money, they can just hire an escort. Two events. Two events. All right, you know what?

$175. I said $250, and I said $350. They were offering, get your answers in now, Tony, before we get into the details, because they said if you go to the rehearsal dinner and wedding with my needy-ass mother-in-law, we will pay you

$1,000. Oh! That's real money. That's a dredge. This must be a needy-ass bitch. The sheaf is going to be needy. I need a drink. Another drink with a lime. With a lemon. I need you to listen to me right now.

I didn't order the salmon. The ad reads I'm looking for a wedding date for my mother-in-law from Friday evening to Saturday evening for a wedding in Hudson Valley in August. We've missed it. She needs constant attention and supervision.

She will probably wear white and try to escalate small dramas. Your job is to simply distract and de-escalate her. By the way, this should be the description of the police. Hilarious. We should have been defund the mother-in-law. De-escalate the police. Can I ask you a question?

Bag of Fritos. Jade, if you want to develop this together, I feel like we could do it. Sklars, feel free to jump in on this. Why doesn't someone create an unscripted show called Plus One where you are just giving someone a date for a wedding and you just chronicle all of the lead up,

the wedding itself, what kind of date they were, how it went, the family drama that got involved in it. He's a professional date. So, I mean the family drama that involved it. He's a professional date. So, I mean, that's the romantic comedy. He's a professional date. He just goes on. This is the way

he makes his money. But it's hard to film it because people aren't going to know, you know what I mean? So it has to be like hidden camera. Yeah, Plus One is a great title. That's a really funny idea. We gotta write this romantic comedy. It's like a guy who's like, all he does, doesn't want to be in a relationship he's just it's he goes to the weddings and gets the thrill of the weddings but he sees all the things that go wrong and then he falls in love with the

needy mom he falls in love with some needy woman some needy person oh my god but this is a real thing i got really into it like in japan there's this whole thing there's agencies because people don't have a lot of social activity there right so like if you go to a funeral like you invite all the funeral attendees so the people that actually attend think oh my god look at all the friends you have that's right it's all about image it's all about image image so anyway you have to constantly be de-escalating her small drama why do i love this woman so much quote flatter her for two days and make an easy $1,000. First of all, you don't know. It might not be easy.

It doesn't sound easy. I want to see this rom-com. Put Julia Roberts in it. We need her back on screen. I love this. The ideal candidate would be a man aged between 40 and 60, a good dancer, and a conversationalist. Yeah, that's every good wedding date.

Yeah, dude. That's every... You want your good wedding date to dance and also be able to have... Be able to talk. A laid-back conversation with your conspiracy theory uncle.

Yeah. Can you mingle? Yeah. Yeah. Yes, can you mingle? That's great. Can you de-ess... Are there photos of this woman?

So, like, the thing he needs to keep... That's another great title for the show, Must Mingle. Must Mingle. Must Mingle. Mustmingle.com. Are there photos of this woman. That's another great title for the show. Must Mingle. Must Mingle. Mustmingle.com. Are there photos of anybody? No, there's no photos of anyone. I want to see photos of us.

Must Jingle. Here's the deal. They also must have experience with narcissists and be able to give her your undivided attention. So they don't want to find a date. They don't want to find a date. They just want to post all the feelings they have about their mother-in-law. They just hate their mother-in-law.

Right. So they're like, how can I, without telling her to her face, what I think of her? Because in reality, how would you even set this up? You'd be like, hey, Barb, this is your date. Hey, this is Gary. We met him on the street like he's what if he turns out to be a fucking killer thank you what if it's gary all women think of

that and there they should 51 years old a year older than us as well as being paid a thousand dollars the woman will provide a separate hotel room food and travel expenses she just asks for interested parties to send a photo and a list of their interests and qualifications. And a background check. And a background check and fingerprints. But that's not a bad gig. Travel and food, hotel. Dude, that's literally what we make for comedy.

And it's like, I could just be making that and be going to a wedding. This is bullshit. Should I just be cruising through Craigslist in September? At some point, you would take the mic. You'll do a tight five. Yeah, you'll be funny. I'm a great wedding guest.

I don't even, I go to the back. It's the bride's day. But you dance the whole time. I dance the whole time. I am not showing anyone up. I take all the hors d'oeuvres. I take a napkin. I say thank you.

Oh, I love a good mushroom cap. No, you'd be a great guest. Oh, love a mushroom cap. I'm fun. I'll lift someone up in a chair. I cry during every speech. I cry during every speech. I'll sit through them.

Do you think this is the escalation of our society, though, that eventually we'll go past cameo to like, you can just, I'll just, here's my rate to come be your wedding date. To come be your date, yeah. I think we've become so detached from everything. Now it's like, do I want to hang out with you? Do I want to risk my life to go to Cul, do I want to hang out with you? Like,

do I want to risk my life to go to Culver city to have some ice cream with you? And that goes for my friends. Exactly. Imagine now. Okay. But I'll do it for a thousand bucks. There's no mention of like, must be vaxxed or like must have a COVID test.

Just show up. Really important things. You got to deal with her. You got to be able to dance. She's going to wear white. Take the conversation. De-escalate. De-escalate.

You want someone who will be like, hey, you want to take a walk around outside? Must know the lyrics to Boss Gag's Lido. Get into the lyrics. Oh. Me too. He is full of the money. All right, that's story number three, my friend.

God damn. There you go. What a great day in the town. What a great to be dumb. It's so great to be dumb. Jay Catapretta, you are fantastic. Take that well-deserved time off. We love you, and we'll have you back again, of course.

And, oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb